And Another Thing Author's Corner:

HOMETO BE it's good

When someone knocks on your front door, they never say, “Is anyone house?” They ask, “Is anyone HOME?” And if no one answers, you hope they’ve asked the right question. Because you don’t want this to be the front door to just your house. You want it to be the front door to your home. There’s a difference.

“Honey, I’m house!” Of course, you’re not, you nut. You’re home. “Honey, I’m home!” Even if you’re spouse hits you with a list of problems long as your leg and the dog starts dating your shin and you haven’t even closed the front door yet, at the end of the day, Dorothy was right: There’s no place like home. I have friends and in-laws who are local realtors, who know about all things house and home. The best ones introduce you to houses that fit your personality and needs. Then it’s up to you and yours to make it a home. Life being life, there will be bumps along the way. I love the home we began to make four years ago; not quite as thrilled about the house. We knew going in that there would be some things to fix due to cost-cutting and shade-tree carpentry from the previous owners. Their ideas were well-intentioned; their result, not as much. I knew this for sure the day the kitchen floor caved in. (Don’t confuse that with the day the bathroom floor caved in. Another floor, another story…) Right now, that noise you hear in the background is my new best friend Randy in the kitchen tackling a plumbing problem that begins under the sink and above the floor, and ends under the sink and below the floor. Randy is my new BFF because it all comes back to plumbing and I will grab his ankle and be dragged to his truck, begging and crying like a small wet child, if he tries to leave before it’s fixed. (He didn’t.) The reason a grown man like me would do that is because if the plumbing backs up inside your body or inside your house, the world stops until it’s fixed. Same for the prince or the pauper. Plumbing is key. But just because an old cast iron pipe leaks and needs to be replaced by modern PVC doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on this old house. My parents didn’t throw me away and get a new kid when I was 3 and broke my leg. They just got my leg fixed. Same with plumbing or air conditioning, which might be the only modern convenience to top plumbing. (We’re working off the theory here that you can go outside to the bathroom but you can’t just wish your way into solid air conditioning.) The first week in June, the AC “went out” here. (“Went out” sounds like the AC just needed a break and went to the club for some downtime. “Going out,” your AC said, checking its eyeliner in the mirror by the door. “I’ll be back when I get back.” Took three days and long hot nights before The Part came in and home was a cool place to be again. We are buying wood and brick and pipes and machines when we buy a house; things will break or rot or get backed up. But if we live in a home, those imperfect days will be part of our Home History. “Remember when we had that hole in the house for a weekend when the plumbing messed up? Remember when the AC broke and we hallucinated and didn’t sleep for three days? Remember when we got the bill and I wet my diaper twice?...” Good times. Craftsmen build a house, restore, and repair a house. Realtors and home furnishings pros can make it fit you just right. But you have to build the home. Even if the going is tough sometimes, remember: Home wasn’t built in a day. Home is not where the couch is. Home is not where the pool is. Although it helps, home isn’t even where the icebox is. Home is where the heart is. Especially if things flush right and the air conditioning works.

Teddy Allen is an award-winning columnist and graduate of Louisiana Tech, where he works as a writer and broadcaster.