BRUNSWICK SCHOOL
JANUARY 2013
MONTHLY MAILING Something Brunswick Can’t Give Our Boys We had the honor of welcoming Dr. Aaron Stern to a recent Upper School assembly. Dr. Stern is the author of “ME, The Narcissistic American,” a noted psychoanalyst and educator, former member of the faculties of Yale, Columbia and NYU, COO of Tiger Management, philanthropist, and grandfather of one of our seniors, Tommy Rosenkranz. Dr. Stern addressed the topic of narcissism and its opposite, more worthy trait, loving. He explained that all people are born narcissistic, caring only about their own needs while being totally unaware of and disinterested in the impact that their needs and behavior might have on others (think of having to wake up in the middle of the night to care for a crying infant or how a baby is seemingly unconcerned with how his demands might affect others, only concerned about his own immediate gratification). The developmental goal is that eventually, through nurturing and a supportive environment, a baby learns self-control and as he grows, begins to consider the needs of others. The hope is that with maturity, a person turns attention outward, toward others, in a loving way. What is true for individuals is true for societies as well, and Dr. Stern discussed the fall of Rome as an example of a society that crumbled because its members became too concerned with their own personal wants at the expense of what was good for the greater society. Dr. Stern emphasized that today our society is also supremely self-centered. We, and virtually everyone one around us, think of ourselves first and foremost. Yet, as Dr. Stern explained, it is only in learning to control our own desires and to think of the needs of others that we truly become the best that we can be, both individually as well as collectively. From both a student as well as a faculty perspective, Dr. Stern’s presentation was remarkable; superbly informed, filled with tangible examples and entirely appreciated by our boys. Even more impressive was the depth and breadth of the student questions that followed his presentation. At one point, a student asked Dr. Stern to explain the difference between narcissism and self-esteem….an excellent question. In essence, Dr. Stern explained that narcissism is self-centeredness stemming from a complete lack of consideration for others, whereas self-esteem is a legitimate sense of self-worth based upon deserved success of one kind or another. This distinction struck a chord with me. I thought about the example of everyone on a youth soccer team receiving an MVP prize and how such a diffusion of achievement sends a confusing message to the team members who have yet to earn success, while at the same time minimizing those team members who stood out in a distinctive way. It seems to me that conscious efforts to build self-esteem in the absence of actual individual achievement are likely to build narcissism, whereas an honest acknowledgment that everyone has strengths and weakness allows each to celebrate those strengths while also encouraging us to focus and improve upon our weaknesses. The conclusion: Narcissism can consume us (and our children) if we aren’t careful, while self-esteem can only be earned. Brunswick does all it can to give our boys everything they need to succeed. In all that we do, we endeavor to present our boys with so much: great teachers, wondrous facilities, goals and aspirations to live by. As parents, we do the same. In so many ways, there is nothing we won’t try to provide for our sons if we (and perhaps they) think it will be to their benefit. There is one thing, however, that is absolutely essential to success, something that, no matter what we do, we cannot give our boys. SELF-ESTEEM Self-esteem is critical to success, fulfillment and happiness, yet try as we might, we cannot give it to our boys; they can only achieve it by earning it.