Monday, April 4, 2005

M O N D A Y APRIL 1, 2005

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD Volume CXL, No. 41

www.browndailyherald.com

An independent newspaper serving the Brown community since 1891

PLAY JUST PLAIN SUCKS Student effort not worth it A R T S & C U LT U R E 13 FOCUS ON: UNRELATED ITEMS I N S I D E 14

U. CAPITAL CAMPAIGN IN ‘ABSOLUTE QUIET PHASE’ Simmons will mime fundraising requests to wealthiest donors MONEY

15

WRISTON TO BE ED OPTIONAL For students who ‘don’t want to learn’ H O U S E & H O M E 16 ARA PROTESTING SOMETHING AGAIN O L D N E W S 17

TODAY

TOMORROW

cloudy with a chance

raining cats and

of meatballs

dogs

Ratty latest victim of Thayer Street closures Simmons:

BY ALVIN THEODORE SIMON CALENDAR EDITOR

The Sharpe Refectory will close its doors Friday in response to increased competition from neighboring eateries and declining profit margins, continuing a trend of Thayer Street business closures that has called into question College Hill’s economic viability.

The Ratty’s demise “was a long time coming,” according to Virginia Dunleavy, associate director of Dining Services. Lastditch efforts to save the cafeteria — including this year’s “eclectic, though somewhat ridiculous” highway traffic decoration scheme — proved to be “something of a failure,” Dunleavy said.

As Dining Services attempted to bolster the Ratty’s public image, a series of themecentered meals led to some “questionable” spending on behalf of the cafeteria’s management, Dunleavy said.

“People may think a giant Eiffel Tower model comes cheap,” she said. “I’m afraid those people are dead wrong — something we found out the hard way.”

Though botched promotions surely played their part, last week’s rejection of the Ratty’s application for a Class BX liquor license ultimately led administrators to deem the cafeteria a failure, according to Michael Chapman, vice president for public affairs and University relations.

“That decision really hurt us,” Chapman said. “We had some big plans for the Roots and Shoots line.”

Though Chapman refused to elaborate on these plans, he indicated that some of the cafeteria’s vegan fare may have been replaced with chasers and bar condiments.

The liquor license application drew protest from a number of community leaders who feared its approval would expedite the decline of one of the city’s more prosperous residential districts, said License Administrator Richard Aitchison.

Ronald Dwight ’66, who serves on the board of the College Hill Neighborhood Association, said the placement of another alcohol-serving establishment would have

Career Development encouraging class of 2005 to “think reality TV”

BY APRIL WILKNER SENIOR ENTERTAINMENT INSIDE

Encouraged by the success of “America’s Next Top Model” runner-up Yaya Johnson ’04, the Career Development Center is encouraging more Brown seniors to audition for reality television shows as a path to success.

The “Think Reality” initiative, spearheaded by CDC Associate Director Barbara Peoples, has produced a handout on how to make oneself marketable to different types of reality television.

The handout instructs students on the process of appearing “benignly insane” in casting calls and includes a table to help students decide which shows to audition for.

Eileen Pratap ’05 said she was sursee CAREER, page 6

Men ‘dumb’

BY SILVER WALDENWOOD SENIOR CAMBRIDGE CORRESPONDENT

Anne Geddes / Herald

Last week’s rejection of the Ratty’s application for a Class BX liquor license ultimately led administrators to deem the cafeteria a failure and close it down. been “just plain inappropriate” for the East sure will force the University to “pursue alternate forms of revenue,” said Dean of Side.

“The Ratty has, shall we say, something the College Paul Armstrong.

“Food service sales are a huge boon to of a reputation for pandering to lust and alcoholism,” Dwight said. “Allowing that us,” Armstrong said, citing cheap food supplace to serve booze really would have sig- pliers and preparation standards that “have admittedly been on the decline.” nified the beginning of the end.”

“Nearly 90 percent of those meal plan The Ratty also fell victim to steep competition brought on by new and “wildly charges are pure profit,” Armstrong said.

As for alternative revenue sources, successful” Thayer Street upstarts, accordPresident Ruth Simmons said administraing to several dining services employees.

“When Pizza Grille came, we definitely tors are considering “several items on the saw a dent in business, but we thought we table,” though none has emerged as a clear could recover,” she said. “But now there’s La favorite.

“Now I’m not pushing for any particular Luna. And with the Nice Slice on the way? I don’t know who can compete with that, but option, but I hear massage parlors mean big business in Rhode Island,” Simmons it’s certainly not us.”

The fall in revenue due to the Ratty’s clo- said.

President Ruth Simmons spurred a national controversy over spring break when she told a conference on women in the sciences that “innate differences” between the sexes make men “total idiots.”

“Let’s face it: Men are dumb,” Simmons told the National Association for Women in Science and Engineering at its annual spring luncheon. “Am I right, girlfriends?”

Massachusetts Institute of Technology biologist Clancy Hopkins said he felt physically ill while listening to Simmons and said he and several others left the room midway through her speech. But a worker at the restaurant at which the luncheon was held, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said there was something bad in the pasta primavera.

Speaking to a primarily female audience, Simmons laid out “three broad hypotheses about the sources of the very substantial disparities” between men and women. They included the “toilet-seatleaving-up” hypothesis, the “sit-on-thecouch-drinking-beer” hypothesis and the “my-penis-my-penis-my-penis” hypothesis.

“And despite all this, they think they’re better than us,” Simmons said of the notquite-as-fair sex. “In truth, we women should be the ones saying, ‘Bitch, make me a sandwich!’ ” Though many in the national media have since characterized Simmons’ speech as insensitive toward men, some who attended the luncheon said Simmons’ remarks have been taken out of context.

“These were unprepared, off-the-cuff comments that weren’t intended to be see SIMMONS, page 6

University admin shuffle continues With Goldberger as new athletic director, Simmons to coach m. hockey

BY EDDIE NOVAK FLAK FOR THE MAN

Coming fast on the heels of the March 23 announcement that Director of Admission Michael Goldberger will soon take over as athletic director, a number of additional shifts within the University administration were announced Sunday.

Taking many by surprise, President Ruth Simmons saide at a special faculty meeting she will step down April 30 to become head coach of the men’s ice hockey team, replacing current coach Roger Grillo.

“Roger Grillo has done great service to the University in his eight years as coach, and he will be sorely missed,” Simmons said. “But I’m sick of raising money and running (Brown University Community Council) meetings. I want something I can really sink my teeth into, and I figure, hey, if Goldie can run athletics, then I can run one measly little team.”

“We’ve got some great first-years on the team, and I think we can go places next season with a little luck and maybe some injuries on the (Cornell) Big Red squad,” Simmons added. The Bears fin-

Editorial: 401.351.3372 Business: 401.351.3269

ished last season 16-14-3, 9-11-2 in the ECACHL. Grillo, when reached for comment, wept uncontrollably.

Taking over as Brown’s 19th President will be Gretchen Willis, currently director of Brown University Dining Services, according to Chancellor Stephen Robert. Though traditionally the president of the University is selected by the Corporation by means of a national search with student, faculty and administration input, University officials have chosen to forgo this lengthy process.

“We were going to conduct a nationwide search, interview finalist candidates on campus and make a final recommendation to the Corporation, but that sounded like a lot of work, so we decided to just skip all that and just promote from within,” Robert said.

Robert praised Willis’ work as director of BuDS, noting her leadership makes her uniquely qualified to serve as president of the University.

“Gretchen’s innovative leadership has given us Trattoria and the Fruit Route.

It’s that sort of out-of-the-box thinking that the University needs right now,” Robert said. “She is the only person in

195 Angell Street, Providence, Rhode Island

the country qualified to lead Brown at this point in time, we think,” he added.

“This is a great day,” Willis said. “It’s a fantastic day, a freakin’ wonderful day.”

While vague about her exact plans as president, Willis said she would focus on increasing the number of tackey informational signs on campus.

According to David Greene, vice president for campus life and student services, taking Willis’ place as director of BuDS will be current Dean of the College Paul Armstrong.

“What the hell, why not?” Greene said. “He has the administrative experience to manage the Ratty and V-Dub, and he’s an expert on the literature of Henry James, so somehow that will factor in. Maybe themed meals or something. It’ll be great.”

Armstrong was not enthusiastic about his position, however.

“This is not such a great day,” he said.

“I am not even remotely qualified for this position. Am I being punished for something? Have I upset my masters in some way?”

There has been no official word yet as see SHUFFLE, page 3 News tips: herald@browndailyherald.com

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

THIS MORNING MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 · PAGE 2 Coreacracy Matt Vascellaro

WORLD IN BRIEF Stuff happened in the world, but we forgot to put it here.

TO D AY ’ S E V E N TS SLAM POETRY ORGY 8 p.m. (Hourglass Cafe) — More bilingual, biracial, bisexual and multicultural spoken words than you can shake a stick at.

ONGOING ART EXHIBIT forever (Art Gallery) — This exhibit has been up for weeks and will be up for a few more weeks, but now’s the time to see it.

Seize the day! It’s colorful and enlightening! We are not just saying this to fill space on a slow day.

“IMPEACHMENT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WORD IN ANY LANGUAGE” 5:30p.m. (Joukowsky Forum, Watson Institute) — Former administration officials with book deals, three ambassadors and several world leaders will teleconference to openly fantasize about a world without George W. Bush.

Jero Eddie Ahn

Chocolate Covered “Spaghetti” Mirele Davis

MENU SHARPE REFECTORY

VERNEY-WOOLLEY DINING HALL

LUNCH — Toast, Bagels, Pancakes, Pasta, Chick Peas in Lukewarm Broth, Five Cheese Melange, Anonymous Vegetables, Pretty Please with Cherries on Top, Wafers

LUNCH — Vegetarian Stuff, Peanut Butter and Fried Bananas, Tex-Mex Pie, Southern Stir-Fry, Lunch Meats, Pot Brownies, Sweet, Sweet Loving

DINNER — Large Hunk of Meat, Couscous, Tuna a la King, Son of the Anonymous Vegetables, Locally Grown Potato Chips, Pudding Cake, Cream Puffs

DINNER — Special Mystery Leftovers Dinner: Just Like Mom Used to Warm Up

How to Get Down Mark Brinker

CROSSWORD ACROSS 1 Subject of a curse until 10/27/04 8 A.E. Housman contemporary 15 Entertained 16 Shoe lift 17 Really easy to understand?

18 Quite recently 19 ’60s “New Left” gp.

20 Gymnastics figure 22 Eponymous general 23 Tewkesbury transport 25 You can turn its head 26 Composer __ Carlo Menotti 27 Prophet during the reign of King Ahaz 29 Hades, in Norse myth 30 Lunar trench 31 One of dwindling popularity 33 Gave the okay 35 “Could it be that ...”

37 Beneficiary’s response, one would hope 40 Whine 44 County Clwyd locale 45 PC component 47 Net issue 48 Drooling dog of comics 49 Write (for) 51 “J’accuse” author 52 Marvy 53 Body shop conveniences 55 Hi-tech infoaccess syst.

56 Bewitches 58 Many retirees are happy to be out of it 60 Chest protector 61 Has thoughts 62 Unpopular bulk mailer 63 Most slow-witted

DOWN 1 Con man’s line 2 1992 Lifetime Achievement Grammy winner 3 Burdens for female spiders 4 ABA member?

5 Bass and others 6 Pages 7 “Mayor” memoirist 8 “And?” 9 Moisten in the morn 10 Revolution period 11 Minnesota town on the Mesabi Trail 12 Slanting 13 Yard event 14 Cuddled, in a way 21 Walk all over 24 Theatergoer’s option 26 Its 1888 creation is credited to Henry Ramos 28 Hardliners 30 Marie Antoinette, for one

32 Start of a colorful mnemonic 34 Grad. class 36 “Just the straight whiskey, please” 37 They always include freebies 38 Imbibed some 39 Kasim’s brother, in Persian folklore 41 Go against

42 Ties together 43 Least plump 46 Log-on need 49 Columbia River highlight 50 It’s a living 53 Good earth 54 Anna of “Nana” 57 Year in Leo XIII’s reign 59 They’re often 34Down

Homebodies Kea Johnston

ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE:

Raw Prawn Nate Saunders xwordeditor@aol.com

03/26/05

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By Manny Nosowsky (c)2005 Tribune Media Services, Inc.

03/26/05

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CAMPUS NEWS MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 · PAGE 3

New admission policy to increase intellectual diversity

BY DANIEL SLAM SENIOR NEWS ANALYST

As part of President Ruth Simmons’ focus on increasing intellectual diversity on campus, the University unveiled a new recruiting policy Friday, which will target applicants to the college with combined SAT scores below 500 and high school GPAs below 2.0.

“Of students reporting rank, over 90 percent of the Class of 2008 was in the top tenth of their graduating high school class,” Simmons said.

“Approximately 85 percent of the class scored above the 75th percentile on the SAT,” she added.

“This is simply embarrassing.

How can we expect to have intellectual diversity when we are so clearly discriminating against a significant and relevant portion of the population?” Simmons asked.

Under Simmons’ policy, which she is calling Intellectual diversity Quest (IQ), the Admission Office must admit classes with GPA and SAT scores reflective of national averages by 2008.

Shuffle continued from page 1 to who might replace Armstrong as dean of the college, but one senior administrative official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said strong consideration was being given to offering the post to Jose Barros, a popular cashier at the Ratty.

The unprecedented shuffle in the University administration has left many on campus feeling bewildered and disoriented.

Outgoing Director of Admission Michael Goldberger said he was excited by the new policy. “We’ve made significant steps to increase racial diversity and geographical diversity,” Goldberger said, “but we’ve totally neglected the issue of intellectual diversity.”

“By encouraging this kind of diversity of applicants, just think what will happen to our acceptance rate,” Goldberger said.

Prospective students expressed confusion over the new admission policy. “Let me get this straight,” said Steffi Williams, a high school senior from Omaha, Neb., who was waitlisted. “I played the tuba, was captain of the curling team and spent my summer vacation raising ostriches when really I would have gotten the admission officer’s attention by getting a 450 on the SAT?” “Statistics show that 50 percent of those who take the SAT score below the 50th percentile,” said Professor of Political Science Darrell West, director of the Taubman Center for Public Policy.

Professors have been seen wandering around aimlessly on the Main Green, and the Daily Jolt forum has quickly filled up with angry anonymous posts.

“This is just weird,” remarked Gordon Wood, a new maintenance worker.

“I just don’t know what to believe anymore,” said Kim Weinstein-Smith-Hernandez ’06.

“Does this mean we might get kegs on campus soon?” asked Fred Paxton ’07.

When reached for comment, Provost Robert Zimmer told The Herald he will be resigning his

Bitter thesis writer doesn’t want to hear about Cancun

BY MATILDA GREENWICH FORMER LAME DUCK

While many students spent spring break relaxing on Caribbean beaches and traveling in Europe, Emily Wakefield ’05 stayed on campus, working around the clock to finish her thesis. And as her friends returned to Brown on Sunday, conversations turned awkward as Wakefield testily refused to discuss her vacation — or anyone else’s.

“Look, I don’t care how awesome South Beach was, OK?” Wakefield said. “Some of us had to work over break.”

Although she has had several months to work on her thesis, which is due Tuesday, Wakefield

left the bulk of writing to do over break. She averaged 12 pages a day, taking periodic breaks to browse the Daily Jolt forum and feel sorry for herself.

Wakefield was in the common room of her New Dorm suite Sunday afternoon when suitemate Jessica Kaye ’05 returned from a week in the Bahamas. When she asked how Wakefield’s break had been, Wakefield told her to “shut up” and stormed from the room.

Kaye said she didn’t understand why Wakefield reacted so negatively. “I was just asking,” she said.

Ian Cropp ’05, a former Herald sports editor and president of Thefacebook.com’s

Bitter About Life group, said membership in the group rose dramatically over break, as seniors who stayed on campus to work on their theses grew resentful of their vacationing friends. Wakefield joined the group on Thursday after a high school friend sent her an invitation to a party in her hometown of Ardmore, Pa. “That was really insensitive,” Wakefield said.

Wakefield was further irked by the fact that so many of her fellow students came back sporting tans. “It’s like they’re trying to rub it in,” she said. “I mean, God, I get it. You went to the beach. Whoop-de-doo.”

Campus massage service promises satisfaction

BY AIMEE ANDREWS EXECUTING EDITOR

When Julia Wiederman ’08 arrived in Providence in the fall from her Long STUDENT Island prep school, the first START-UPS thing she noticed was the tension.

“Hunched shoulders, lined faces, nervous habits — even in the first week back, everyone, especially the men, were all tense,” she said, shaking her head sadly.

“BURP (the Brown University Relaxation Project) is a great idea, but sometimes you need a professional, you know? I took a few informal massage classes in high school post, effective immediately, in response to the bewildering series of transfers among top administrators.

“This entire episode has totally messed up my speed dial settings,” he said.

DON’T FORGET TO GO TO CLASSES AN HOUR LATE TODAY~~~~~

and I thought, here’s a way to help people and have money!”

After reading a Herald article on the city’s refusal of a permit to the Fox Point Steam Center, a proposed massage parlor and spa, Wiederman said she knew she had to take action. “That place sounded like a great idea, although it’s a little far from campus,” she said.

Happy E Massage will be cheap and tension-taming. Inroom massages will probably begin at around $15, Wiederman said.

Like fellow student start-up business Dormsnacks.com, HE Massage will employ all students — mostly first-year girls

at the start, although several of Wiederman’s male friends and a few Providence residents have expressed interest — and operate mostly in the dorms, with an extra fee for off-campus visits.

“Julia told me about her idea, and I checked her business plan and the relevant Rhode Island laws,” said Professor of Engineering Barrett Hazeltine. “My guess is she’ll be making money hand over fist in no time, if my upperclassmen in (EN 90: “Managerial Decision Making”) are any indication.” see MASSAGE, page 7

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

CAMPUS NEWS MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 · PAGE 5

Beer companies paid UCS members to pass keg resolution, commission finds

BY SID WHO KEG RESOLUTION BEAT REPORTER

President Joel Payne ’05 and at least four other members of the Undergraduate Council of Students have been indicted on charges that they received kickbacks from large beer companies in exchange for promoting the return of kegs to campus.

An independent commission headed by President Ruth Simmons found that Payne and UCS Vice President Charley Cummings ’06 received large monetary sums from the Anheuser-Busch Company in exchange for support of a UCS keg resolution.

Many have speculated that

Simmons organized the committee under pressure from Sidney Frank ’42, former owner of Grey Goose Vodka and a distributor of Jägermeister. Frank has donated over $120 million dollars to Brown in the last year and is currently distributing a new energy drink, CRUNK!!!.

Director of the Brown News Service Mark Nickel refused to comment to The Herald.

However, he told the Harvard Crimson that speculation that Payne and Cummings are scapegoats in a power struggle between Frank’s alcohol importing empire and Anheuser-Busch is “unfounded.”

Payne and Cummings were

both apprehended in Barbados.

Payne denies any wrongdoing.

“Charley and I were just enjoying a weekend in paradise when our penthouse hotel room was stormed,” he said. “At first I thought it was Anti-Racist Action demanding a divestment resolution. But these guys were wearing shoes, leather shoes,” he said.

Department of Public Safety Interim Chief of Police Emil Fioravanti predicted that this may be one of the largest scandals in Rhode Island history, perhaps rivaling that of former Providence Mayor Vincent “Buddy” Cianci.

“When you bring alcohol into the picture, things can get really messy,” Fioravanti said.

‘LiSci’ fails to live up to ‘Donkey’

BY CHADWICKA COSTANZA UNIVERSITY ART CRITIC

According to official estimates, more than 4 million people visited Jeanne-Claude and Christo’s “The Gates,” the bright orange series of canvas gates that snaked through New York’s Central Park for two weeks in February.

But only a tiny fraction of that number has come to see Christo and Jeanne-Claude’s latest creation, titled “LiSci,” which went up on Brown’s cam-

first week at school. The room they receive will be their living quarters until they graduate, transfer or drop out. This will promote more of a sense of unity within the dorms, said Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services David Greene.

“With community policing and (the Undergraduate Council of Students) Campus Region Plan, it only seemed natural to keep the students from moving around. I mean, how pointless would the Region Plan be if students changed where they lived every year?” Greene said.

The first housing lottery under the new system will include all undergraduate students at Brown, but from

the unfilled space that will soon house the departments of molecular biology, cell biology and biochemistry and neuroscience.

Public opinion about “LiSci” has been mixed. While many find the installation’s almostwhite color a beautiful complement to the gray skies of Providence in springtime, others say it makes a cruel statement about the relationship between industry and the academy.

“Every time I glimpse the translucent luster of the tarps, my eyes tear up,” said Artemis Joukowsky ’55 P’02, head of the Public Art Committee, which helped Christo and JeanneClaude secure University approval for “LiSci.” Valery Estabrook ’05, a visual art concentrator, said “LiSci” beats almost all of the other Public Art Committee’s previous projects.

“It’s more understated than ‘Brushstrokes,’ more sensual than the phallus on the Main Green and more majestic than ‘Tripe,’ ” Estabrook said, referring to the Roy Liechtenstein, Isamo Noguchi and Alexander Calder statues that the Public Art Committee has brought to campus. “But it’s no ‘Donkey.’ ” Indeed, while Paola Pivi’s “Untitled (Donkey)” attracted lots of attention while the three-story-tall photograph was

see HOGWARTS, page 7

see LISCI, page 6

pus the same month.

For “LiSci,” the eccentric artists imported huge quantities of premium tarpaulins in a color that Christo calls “waterfall mist” and installed them in a cascading pattern over the framework of the inchoate Life Sciences Building, slated for completion in the spring of 2006.

The tarps, which were produced off-site at several East Coast industrial outlets, flutter in the breeze, at times revealing

New housing plan proposed

BY JIMMY JAZZ CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Students fed up with the backdoor treachery and monthlong stress of the housing lottery need worry no longer. Next year Brown will switch to a “Hogwarts-style” housing system in which students will only be assigned housing once for their four years at Brown, according to Residential Council chair Adam Deitch ’05.

“We heard so many traumatic housing lottery stories that we knew we needed to come up with something.

ResCouncil hopes that this solution will keep students from feeling any stress about housing beyond their first week at school,” Deitch said.

Under the new plan, students will be assigned permanent housing during their

Simmons becomes first Ivy League president to win Iditarod

BY CHRISTOPHE “MITCH” CRITTENDEN SENIOR ALASKAN CORRESPONDENT

NOME, Alaska — In one of the most extraordinary and unlikely athletic feats of all time, President Ruth Simmons stunned the sled dog racing community by winning the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race last week, making history as she completed the 1,100-mile course in a record eight days, seven hours, 33 minutes and 45 seconds.

The 59-year-old University president not only became just the third woman and first African-American to win the race since its 1973 inception, but also the first Ivy League president.

“I can’t describe what I’m feeling right now,” Simmons said as she stood in the winner’s circle, tears streaming down her face.

“This is better than when I was named to the search committee for Providence superintendent of schools.”

Simmons, who also became the first rookie to win the race, obliterated the rest of the 79-person field on the way to victory.

Runner-up Robert Sorlie of Norway, who won the race in 2003, finished in nine days, 18 hours, 39 minutes and 31 seconds, over two days after Simmons had crossed the finish line.

Simmons had to deal with a slushy race course, a result of unusually warm temperatures this season. But she credits her dogs for adjusting to the race conditions, and her quick start certainly helped matters.

“By the time I reached Eagle Island, I knew I was in good position to take it all,” Simmons said.

“I still had 12 of my 16 dogs by then. And when I reached Unalakleet, I knew that I had at least a two-day lead on everybody, and it was smooth sailing — or should I say sledding? — from there.”

But Simmons’ victory was not without controversy. In his book “Juiced,” former baseball slugger Jose Canseco claimed that he saw Simmons and Jason Giambi inject each other with steroids before baseball games in 1996. In addition, two days before the race, Simmons tested positive for

the banned substance THG, also known as “the clear,” as well as two forms of opium. But because the lab that conducted the test mishandled the results, the charges were dropped and Simmons was allowed to race.

This prompted criticism from other racers.

“She’s obviously juicing,” said third-place finisher Mitch Seavey of Seward, who won the 2004 race. “Look at her. There’s no way that’s natural.”

Fifth-place finisher Ramy Brooks of Healy agreed.

“Look at pictures of her 10 years ago, and look at her now,” he said. “She used to be a trim lady and not the mass of muscle she is today. She’s obviously taken some performance enhancing drugs.”

Simmons didn’t help matters when she deflected questions about her alleged steroid use at the press conference after the race.

“I’m not here to talk about the past,” Simmons said. “I’m here to be positive about this subject.”

But barring any further positive drug tests or congressional hearings, Simmons will remain the Iditarod champion for now.

She says she plans on using the $72,066.67 and pickup truck she won for her victory to start an Iditarod training complex at Brown, a move that has been praised by both faculty and students.

“This is wonderful!” said Dean of the College Paul Armstrong, who says he plans to take a sabbatical next year to train for the race. “I belong on the trail in Nome, Alaska, not in University Hall.”

Some students were more skeptical.

“Idita-what?” said Eric Buros ’08.

Simmons is just the latest in a line of college administrators who have tried to take their success in academia into the athletic field. Director of Residential Life Richard Bova briefly held the No. 1 ranking in the Professional Bowler’s Assocation in 2003, while Harvard President Lawrence Summers won a bronze medal in rhythmic gymnastics in the 2000 Summer

PAGE 6 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005

Career continued from page 1 prised when Career Counselor Bev Ehrich gave her information on the Seekonk, Mass., auditions for “America’s Next Top Model” during a meeting in March. “I was way behind on my job search — I mean, I don’t have a resume or anything,” Pratap told The Herald.

“Instead of lecturing me on building contacts and finding the right career for me and all that, she just handed me the promotional handout from UPN and told me it was probably my only hope.”

“Some guy I met at a frat party last week told me I could be a model,” Pratap shrugged.

Although she was eliminated in the first round of auditions, she said she already has plans to attend auditions for the next season of “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search,” “The Starlet” and “Nashville Star.”

“Look, kids come in here after four years here and expect to walk out with a job,” Peoples said. “We cannot provide that

instant gratification. But for the small price of your soul and your dignity, you too could get the job of your dreams.”

Peoples pointed to Johnson and to former Herald sports editor Maggie Haskins ’04, who made it to the final rounds of ESPN’s “Dream Job” anchor search and recently began writing for Sports Illustrated’s SI.com, as success stories that motivated the creation of the new initiative.

Jay Maroon ’05 was also advised to consider reality stardom. The 6’5” Frisbee team captain came to the CDC after he scored below the 55th percentile on both the LSAT and the MCAT, ruining his chances at law and medical school. “I was kind of bummed about that,” Maroon said. “But when I realized that my grades wouldn’t matter on ‘The Contender,’ I cheered right up.”

The handout also warns students away from fake reality contests like Fox’s “My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss” and SpikeTV’s “Joe Schmo.” Student advisors are currently being trained to critique audition tapes.

CDC TIPS TO JUMPSTART YOUR REALITY TELEVISION CAREER SHOW “America’s Next Top Model” (UPN)

CONCENTRATION ATTRACTIVE? Visual Art The inside is what matters

SKILLS NEEDED Ambi-turning

Ethnic Studies

Funny lookin’!

Awkward, caffeinated patter

“American Candidate” (Showtime)

Political Science

“Presidential”

Awkward, coked-up patter

“The Startlet” (WB)

Theater, Speech and Dance

It’s about the raw talent only

Literacy, mobility

Geology

Big, muscle-ey

Beating on pledges, first-years

Engineering

Underdog physique a plus

None

MRS

Engineering

Large smile, lap dancing

“Last Comic Standing” (NBC)

“The Contender” (NBC) “MADE” (MTV) “The Bachelor” (ABC)

LiSci continued from page 5 mounted on the west face of the Sciences Library last year, it’s rare to see anyone stop on the corner of Thayer and Olive streets to take in “LiSci.” The relatively low aesthetic appeal of “LiSci” could be one reason for its poor visitor attendance, said Professor of Visual Art Richard Fishman, who also sits on the Public Art Committee.

The installation went up just as the “Gates” were coming down, prompting some commentators to suggest that Christo and Jeanne-Claude are attempting to do too much, too fast.

“In the last 20 years, they have only done three major installations, and now, they are putting up two within weeks,” Fishman said. “No artist can increase his pace of production so fast without seeing some kind of drop-off in quality.”

Another obstacle to atten-

Simmons continued from page 1 quoted,” said Brenda Allen, associate provost and director of institutional diversity. “Frankly, I thought President Simmons examined all sides of the issue and eloquently drew attention to a concern that’s been under the radar for too long — that men are dumbasses.”

But quotes from Simmons’ speech quickly found their way onto the front pages of many newspapers across the nation, including the New York Times, the Boston Globe and the Providence Journal.

NBC’s “Today” show devoted a half hour to the controversy, and conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh denounced Simmons.

dance is the East Side parking situation, according to Abigail Rider, director of real estate and administrative services at Brown.

“New York has great public transportation, so parking wasn’t an issue,” Rider said. “Plus, New York is the center of the world. Providence just isn’t a draw.”

The location of “LiSci” in Providence, off the typical art path, breaks new ground for Christo and Jeanne-Claude.

“In the past, we have worked with the grandest spaces in the world: New York City, Berlin, Paris,” Christo said. “We wanted the challenge of bringing grandeur to the East Side of Providence.”

But according to some residents of the East Side, Christo’s grandeur is unwanted. Ronald Dwight ’66, a member of the College Hill Neighborhood Association, said the University did not seek approval from East Side residents before going ahead the installation. He’s not sure his organization would have

Many critics focused on Simmons’ example of young boys playing with toy trucks. “I gave two trucks, one bigger and one smaller, to some two-year-old boys,” Simmons said in her speech. “One of the boys swallowed the smaller truck. The other didn’t even know what it was.”

Once Simmons’ remarks gained national prominence, several Brown professors called for a complete transcript of the speech, but Simmons refused.

Others called for her resignation.

“I do not appreciate the president’s suggestion that men are some sort of second-class citizens,” said Associate Professor of Philosophy Bernard Reginster.

“What, am I some piece of eye candy to be ogled at the front of the lecture hall? President

approved, despite the artists’ star quality.

“I liked ‘The Gates’ because of their delightful saffron color,” Dwight said. “But the waterfall mist of ‘LiSci’ is just so bland. The only question is whether having our sight obscured by waterfall mist tarps is better than having to see the steel beams that symbolize Brown’s indifference toward neighborhood aesthetics.”

Despite the conflict over the installation’s ethics and aesthetics, there’s one unequivocal benefit of “LiSci.” Unlike the construction it is obscuring, and unlike previous public art displays, which were funded out of the University’s public arts budget, the installation is actually saving money for Brown.

Because the artists do not like to “be obliged to anyone,” Jeanne-Claude said, they pay everyone who works on their projects — including the construction workers working all night on the Life Sciences Building.

Simmons should resign for such a insinuation.”

A number of voting members of the faculty called for a special faculty meeting to be held today, ahead of tomorrow’s regularly scheduled faculty meeting.

Professor Emeritus of Engineering Barrett Hazeltine, secretary of the faculty, said he had received 57 motions for a vote on “lack of confidence” in Simmons’ leadership.

Though Simmons now faces the most severe challenge to her presidency in her four-year tenure, some observers said she may have wanted the controversy.

“Some people have been quoted as saying ‘any publicity is good publicity,’ ” said Professor of Political Science Darrell West, director of the Taubman Center for Public Policy.

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 7

IN BRIEF That bitch from high school got into Brown That bitch from high school, notorious for ignoring you completely and making you feel worthless, has been accepted into the Class of 2009, dashing many students’ feelings of superiority for going to a so-called “better school.”

In fact, out of 16,908 worthy applications, Brown accepted only 2,463 potential first-years, one of whom was that bitch.

Many students have called into question that bitch’s credentials. “That’s garbage,” said Anthony Roggio ’08. “She never did anything but hook up with jocks in the back of the bus.

Even when I asked her out.

Twice.”

Michael Goldberger, the outgoing director of admission, disagreed. “Brown is all about opening up new horizons of thought. That bitch’s application was full of all kinds of extracurricular activities. For example, she managed to snub every single person in the school, regardless of gender, religion or ethnicity, and listed ‘goddess’ as her main form of community service.”

This, after you went to Brown just to make yourself feel like you were better than that bitch.

That bitch was not available for comment, though at press time she was talking behind our backs.

— India Secret

Ajello, Segal not running for senate On the heels of bombshell announcements by Democratic favorites Rep. Patrick Kennedy and Rep. James Langevin that they will not run for the U.S. Senate seat held by Republican Lincoln Chafee ’75 in 2006, Ward 1 City Councilman David Segal, Green, and State Representative Edith Ajello, D, have announced that neither will try for the seat.

“I must fulfill my obligations to my constituents in the lovely city of Providence,” Segal assured passersby on the Main Green Friday morning.

“Nah, I think I’ll have to pass on it this time,” Ajello told a colleague while waiting for coffee

in the General Assembly cloakroom Friday.

“No, I have absolutely no plans to poll David Segal against Linc Chafee,” said Professor of Political science Darrell West, whose February poll showed Langevin leading Chafee by 14 percentage points in a theoretical election. “However, preliminary data is heavily favoring Elmo Monster if he declares a pro-choice position.”

— Lucy Concord

Redundant buildings constitute defensive buildup around U. departments The proliferation of buildings and other assets owned by the Department of Athletics has many other University departments worried. Department heads said they see the planned construction of the Jonathan M. Nelson Fitness Center right next to the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center, Pizzitola Sports Center and Meehan rink as a terrorist threat to their solo — and therefore undefended — buildings.

Gretchen Willis, director of Dining Services, has decided to take action by building two new cafeterias next to the Sharpe Refectory. “If athletics can do it, so can we,” Willis said. “We’re not about to yield our power base to a bunch of jocks.”

Shelley Lonergan, manager of Gateway Services for Brown’s libraries, expressed a willingness to rumble as well. “Let’s be serious,” she said. “Library geeks played Risk. We know what’s up. We’re building another library right behind University Hall, just to show who’s boss. We’re not afraid.”

Willis would not comment further, citing a need to preserve “the element of surprise.” She apologized, but said, “I’m really worried about what the language departments have up their sleeves. They could get funding from their respective countries. … That’s a pretty big security threat for us.”

“Either way,” Lonergan said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the people at Faunce tried to demolish Hope College and

see PROLIFERATION, page 8

Massage continued from page 3 “Sounds like just the kind of thing this campus needs,” said

Hogwarts continued from page 5 then on will sort only firstyears into their dorms.

The impetus for the policy came from closet Harry Potter fan Margaret Klawunn, interim dean for campus life.

Klawunn first mentioned “how nice it would be if Brown were more like Hogwarts,” the school of wizardry from the popular children’s series of books and movies, when she and Greene attended a ResCouncil meeting to make “extra sure” there were no objections to making Grad Center coed optional.

Deitch, who had not read any of the books, borrowed “Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone” from a friend after Klawunn’s comment, and came into the following week’s meeting with a basic plan for the switch.

As for how the sorting will be done, Greene said there would be a random process, but that specifics had not been decided. He did refute rumors that a “magical sorting hat” would be used in the process, calling the idea “ludicrous.”

Students were not thrilled with the new plan, since students who receive less-popular housing their first year will be stuck with it for their entire

one sophomore male who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

“I hope they put their number on the Jolt.”

University administrators declined to comment on Wiederman’s enterprise.

time at Brown, rather than having a shot at better housing the following year.

“What if I get stuck with Perkins? The last thing I want is to spend my next three years in that hole,” said Ferguson Darling ’08.

But other students were excited about the new plan, particularly the chance to get to know their “head of house” — professors who will be assigned to each dormitory to keep order and organize activities. Professor Emeritus of Engineering Barrett Hazeltine is so far the only professor to volunteer for the position.

“Imagine having (Associate) Professor (of Political Science John) Tomasi as your head of house? He’s sooooooooooooo cute!!!1!” said one anonymous Daily Jolt post.

College Hill Neighborhood Association member Ronald Dwight ’66 refused to comment, but was heard muttering about “cleansing fires” while walking past Wriston Quad on Thursday.

PAGE 8 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005

Proliferation continued from page 7 build another student center right there. Construction’s getting pretty ruthless on campus.”

Sources located in University

Hall have reported “an increased amount of building” in the area. President Ruth Simmons is expected to reveal the “Simmons Doctrine,” however, sometime in the next few days, preferably before the scheduled invasion of Library Services.

— India Secret

lil’ jz — our condolences. sort of. since you are apparently too good for us. but we love you anyway.

Students use computers in college

BY SILVER WALDENWOOD STAFF NERD

Editors’ Note: This is the 28th in a 768-part series on technology in the classroom.

Did you know that students are using devices called computers to aid their studies? Well, they are.

TECHNOLOGY Along with numerous in the classroom other technological innovations, such as clickers, blogs and WebCT, computers are revolutionizing the way students learn.

Forget typing papers on typewriters and gathering information from books. With computers, students can do all those things and more in the comfort of their own dorm rooms. Isn’t technology great?

It is, according to Associate Professor of Political Science Ross Cheit. “Seriously, I don’t know why you people keep interviewing me.

I use a few pieces of new technology in PS 105 (“Ethics and Public Policy,”) most of which have already been in use at other schools for a while. You’ve written three stories about it. Do you have a lot of space to fill or something?”

Computers were first invented in 1997, but weren’t available at Brown until earlier this year. Still, the University has adapted rapidly since then and continues to make more and more common tasks available on computer.

“Someday, Brown students will find it comical that at one time, students had to fill out paper forms just to drop classes,” said University Registrar Michael Pesta.

“That day is today.”

Other administrators have even grander visions for the future. “It may be that computers will one day fit in a small room,” Vice President for Computing and Information Services Ellen Waite-

Franzen told The Herald in 1951.

It turns out computers are everywhere. One might even be sitting on your desk. Amazingly enough, some students actually bring computers to classrooms!

Now that’s “Technology in the Classroom!”

In fact, students are really getting hooked on computers.

“What?” said Felicitee Kertis ’06.

But it doesn’t stop there.

According to some people standing around in the Center for Information Technology, a new innovation called the Internet will provide even more advantages to students and faculty.

These advantages include porn.

“It’s pretty clear that computers are the wave of the future,” said Professor of Political Science Darrell West, director of the Taubman Center for Public Policy.

Ahead of Clinton visit, Secret Service scouts students’ rooms, breasts

BY COREY MATTHEWS ACE REPORTER

The U.S. Secret Service will visit Brown in the coming week to “scope out” the housing situation on campus and pick the “sweetest single” for former President Bill Clinton during his April visit.

Agent Ron Creighton said that, in order to avoid disturbing students, agents would enter prospective rooms by picking the locks with wire hangers. “We heard somewhere that that works,” he said.

Clinton will speak twice on

campus April 29, then “hang” with young Democrats and stay over in a dorm. “He figured as long as he was going back to college, he might as well do it right,” said Mark Nickel, director of the Brown News Service. Clinton declined offers of shelter from the Biltmore and the Inn at Brown, as well as a “highly inappropriate” offer from two married professors, Nickel said.

The student whose room is picked will be compensated for the use of the room and any souvenirs Clinton may take, said

ResLife Housing Officer Chad Mank. “It’s really such a huge honor,” Mank gushed.

Clinton will also find a “sleep buddy” for the student who is forced out of the single. “When your nickname is ‘Slick Willie,’ and you were the most powerful man in the world for eight years, I’m sure finding a student someone to spend a night with should be pretty easy,” Mank said.

Creighton said female students are invited to a special “preview” reception for Clinton on April 29 at 3 p.m. in the Sciences Library.

WHAT ARE BROWN STUDENTS USING THEFACEBOOK.COM FOR? 37% Excuse for not reading actual books 55% Counting acquaintances as friends 4% Home page 19% Compiling lists of hottest students 18% Including self in list of hottest students 22% Matching own interests to those of crush 43% Visualizing loser status 6% Editing privacy preferences every 5 minutes 100% Stalking

Football continued from page 9 cast aside as Goldberger’s cando attitude won over the hearts of players and coaches.

“Mike really came out there and showed a lot of heart,” Estes said. “He showed grit and determination and all the things you would want in a player. He’s a coach’s dream. He may not have a lot of potential or upside, but

he’s got character.”

Part of what drives Goldberger is the chip he carries on his shoulder from his playing days. During his four years, the Panthers went 14-17-1, but the season after he left, they went undefeated, winning a schoolrecord eight games.

“Every year I played, we got better,” Goldberger said. “My first year, we only won one game, but by my senior season, we improved by 600 percent.

But I just cannot believe I

missed out on being part of the best Panther team ever.”

Although his desire for perfection is seen as an asset, others are afraid that his previous position as director of admission might make Goldberger a lame duck out on the field.

“Mike has to be careful out there,” said President Ruth Simmons. “He spent the last 10 years rejecting almost 90 percent of the kids who applied. I’m sure there are going to be some jealous Ivy Leaguers, especially from Cornell, who are going to be pissed about not getting in here. They’re going to see Goldie out there and be jonesing for some retribution.”

Goldberger, however, is dismissive of the potential danger.

“Those guys who didn’t get in here just weren’t the best,” he said. “If they have a problem with that, well, they will just have to deal with the best Brown football team ever.”

MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 9

With Goldberger on the field, football hopes to be ‘best team ever’

BY OLDEN POLYNICE HERALD CORRESPONDENT

Using an NCAA loophole that has granted him an extra year of eligibility, new Athletic Director Michael Goldberger will hang up his tie and suspenders in exchange for a pair of cleats and a helmet and a chance to return to the gridiron this fall.

“I’m very excited,” Goldberger said. “The 2005 football team will be the greatest ever, and I feel very lucky to be a part of it.”

Goldberger last took the field in uniform during the 1971 season at Middlebury College in Vermont. He played four seasons for the Panthers, leaving the school with 16 interceptions, tying him for the Middlebury career record. He ended up following his then Head Coach John Anderson to Brown in 1973.

“I had been thinking about pursuing a career in the NFL or CFL,” Goldberger said. “But instead of pursuing my dreams, I decided to follow Coach Anderson because he was the best coach ever.”

Now, 22 years after his arrival at Brown, Goldberger has been granted another chance at Saturday afternoon fame. The NCAA generally does not allow an athlete to resume their eligibility once they graduate, but Goldberger discovered by-law

NPRB continued from page 12 athletes, which were previously held only in the summer, have been extended to year-long training camps. Goldberger says the camps no longer have open enrollment.

“Sure, we are only accepting a limited number of athletes with proven potential, but it will cost

328B32, which is commonly known as the mid-life crisis exception. The clause states “any former student-athlete upon reaching the age of 50 is hereby authorized to pursue membership on an athletic squad for a term not to exceed one year.”

For Goldberger, it was the opportunity of a lifetime.

“Ever since I played my last game, for the greatest Middlebury team ever, I had been hoping for just one chance to play again,” Goldberger said.

“I think Brown is a great place to do that, because we have the best fans in the entire country, the greatest coaching staff and the best facilities.”

Others, however, did not share Goldberger’s initial enthusiasm.

“We selected Mike to be the athletics director, not to have him jackpotting around Brown Stadium on Saturdays,” said Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services David Greene.

“When I first heard about (Goldberger’s return), I figured he must have been out of his mind,” said Head Football Coach Phil Estes. “I mean, he stopped playing when some of my players’ parents were in college.”

Estes’ objections were quickly see FOOTBALL, page 8

them nothing at all,” Goldberger said. “In fact, they will receive a small stipend from the University and the pride of knowing they can play for the people.”

The conference concluded with Goldberger leading the crowd in the new official patriotic fight song for the University.

As Goldberger walked off the stage, the crowd went wild, hoisting up posters of their new athletic leader.

Gil Thorp / Herald

Director of Athletics Micheal Goldberger showing a crowd of Brown fans the new minimum height to play a varsity sport.

Wiffle continued from page 12 being recruited by Florida State University, the University of South Carolina and Stanford University, Derkson is considered the premier Wiffle Ball prospect in America and was just named High School Player of the Year by Wiffle Ball Weekly.

Last season, Derkson hit .700 with 60 home runs and 150 RBIs for his American Legion wiffle ball team and struck out every other batter he faced.

Originally, Derkson saw his future in baseball, but the new movement to make intercollegiate Wiffle Ball an official sport has him leaning in another direction.

“I always thought my future was on the diamond, but now that places like Brown have their own intercollegiate wiffle ball teams, I might change my mind,” Derkson said. “In a sport like Wiffle Ball, you get beaned ,and you don’t even feel it. Plus, you can’t throw a combination curveball-splitter in baseball.”

Despite the excitement and opportunities created by the new Wiffle Ball team, not all members of the Brown community are rejoicing.

“It’s a shame because now kids who originally came here to play baseball have the option of crossing over,” said Head Baseball Coach Marek Drabinski. “If baseball doesn’t work out for any of these kids,

the temptation to switch to Wiffle Ball will be too great. I can’t lose kids this way.”

Drabinski is already feeling the heat. Scott Barcik ’09, who is considered Brown’s best baseball prospect in the past 30 years, has said that he may give up his place on the baseball team to compete for Brown in wiffle ball next spring.

“What can I say, other than the sound of plastic ball on plastic bat is more alluring than that ping you hear in college baseball?” Barcik said from his home in Davenport, Iowa. “No disrespect to the Brown baseball pro-

gram, but I could definitely see myself hitting more home runs with the Wiffle Ball team.”

Goldberger said that the expansion into niche sports will not stop with Wiffle Ball.

He has said plans for a horseshoe team, a red rover team and a dodgeball team are in the works.

“I feel that backyard sports mesh more with the identity of Brown University as a laid back, take-it-easy kind of place,” Goldberger said. “If people want to be ultra-competitive about their sports, they can participate in intramurals.”

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

EDITORIAL/LETTERS MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 · PAGE 10 S T A F F

E D I T O R I A L

It’s not us, it’s you Every day The Herald is printed, we write something to fill this space. We write something that gives our opinion on some topic covered in that issue.

Sometimes, we receive some nice feedback on what we write. Other days, we wonder if anyone knows the editorial exists (yeah, thanks for all the help in naming the Focus section, people).

Do you all out there in Readerland know how hard it is to fill this space, day after day, when nothing more newsworthy on campus happens than Caribbean Heritage night at the Ratty or that every varsity team split its two weekend games? Why are we the ones who are supposed to have opinions on everything?

Clearly, our difficulty in filling this space is not due to any shortcoming on our part. In the past, we’ve managed to produce 500 words expounding on public urination.

DANIEL L AWLOR

LETTERS

It may be quite painful, but we get it done.

So the problem must be you, our readers.

Account review required

What the hell, it can’t be that hard to go out there and create news, can it? We can’t — that’d be unethical.

So we depend on you to do one thing and one thing only — do stuff we can write about. Do something that we can vehemently disagree with. Do something that we can controversially support. We don’t care. You can’t know the anguish we go through some nights trying to come up with something with which we can fill this space.

To the Editor:

So when you see this space filled with an ode to chicken fingers, don’t blame us.

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD EDITORIAL Jonathan Ellis, Editor-in-Chief Sara Perkins, Executive Editor Christopher Hatfield, Senior Editor Lisa Mandle, Senior Editor Meryl Rothstein, Arts & Culture Editor Melanie Wolfgang, Arts & Culture Editor Justin Elliott, Campus Watch Editor Stephanie Clark, Focus Editor Kira Lesley, Focus Editor Robbie Corey-Boulet, Metro Editor Te-Ping Chen, Opinions Editor Ari Savitzky, Opinions Editor Chris Mahr, Sports Editor Ben Miller, Sports Editor Stephen Colelli, Asst. Sports Editor PRODUCTION Peter Henderson, Design Editor Katie Lamm, Copy Desk Chief Lela Spielberg, Copy Desk Chief Matt Vascellaro, Graphics Editor Ashley Hess, Photo Editor Juliana Wu, Photo Editor

BUSINESS Ian Halvorsen, General Manager Daniel Goldberg, Executive Manager Mark Goldberg, Senior Financial Officer Lisa Poon, Marketing Manager Abigail Ronck, Senior Business Consultant Rob McCartney, Senior Accounts Manager David Ranken, Senior Accounts Manager Kathleen Timmins, Senior Accounts Manager Laird Bennion, Senior Project Manager Elias Roman, Senior Project Manager Ryan Shewcraft, Chief Technology Officer POST- MAGAZINE Fritz Brantley, Editor-in-Chief Adrian Muniz, Executive Editor Sarah Gordon, Calendar Editor Abigail Newman, Theater Editor Josh Cohen, Design Editor Marissa Hauptman, Photo Editor Ruthie Baron, Features Editor Jeremy Beck, Film Editor Paul Levande, Assistant Film Editor Jesse Adams, Music Editor

JaeYoung Park, Night Editor The Sword, The Stone, Copy Editors Senior Staff Writers Camden Avery, Alexandra Barsk, Eric Beck, Mary-Catherine Lader, Ben Leubsdorf, Jane Porter, Stu Woo Senior Sports Writers Bernie Gordon, Jilane Rodgers Staff Writers Justin Amoah, Shawn Ban, Zachary Barter, Danielle Cerny, Christopher Chon, Stewart Dearing, Gabriella Doob, Jonathan Herman, Leslie Kaufmann, Aidan Levy, Allison Lombardo, Ari Rockland-Miller, Stephen Narain, Joel Rozen, Chelsea Rudman, Jen Sopchockchai, Jonathan Sidhu, Lela Spielberg, Robin Steele, Kim Stickels, Laura Supkoff, Jane Tanimura, Anne Wootton Sports Staff Writers Kathy Babcock, Zaneta Balantac, Ian Cropp, Justin Goldman, Katie Larkin, Matt Lieber, Helen Luryi, Shaun McNamara, Chris Mahr, Madeleine Marecki, Ben Miller, Eric Perlmutter, Marco Santini, Charlie Vallely Accounts Managers Alexandra Annunziato, Zaneta Lei Balantac, Steven Butschi, Jennifer Kuo, Ashfia Rahman, Joel Rozen, Rukesh Samarasekera, Mitch Schwartz Project Managers In Young Park, Libbie Fritz Design Staff Geolani Dy, Deepa Galaiya, Gianna Giancarlo, Annie Koo, Allison Kwong, Jason Lee Photo Staff Marissa Hauptman, Judy He, Matthew Lent, Nick Neely, Bill Pijewski, Kori Schulman, Sorleen Trevino Copy Editors Chessy Brady, Jonathan Corcoran, Leora Fridman, Allison Kwong, Katie Lamm, Suchi Mathur, Cristina Salvato, Sonia Saraiya, Lela Spielberg, Zachary Townsend, Jenna Young

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we made everything up our job is covering the Brown community. except on April Fools’ Day. herald@browndailyherald.com 401.351.3372

CORRECTIONS POLICY The Brown Daily Herald is committed to providing the Brown University community with the most accurate information possible. Corrections may be submitted up to seven calendar days after publication.

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

OPINIONS MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2005 · PAGE 11

Please, stop getting me high GUEST COLUMN BY A CAT WHO LIVES IN GRAD CENTER Meow. I’m a cat living in Grad Center.

Please stop getting me high.

When I first moved into Grad Center, I thought it would be a blast. Sally had taken me in from the biting winter cold, and was feeding me Purina Cat Chow: My ship had come in, baby! For the first couple of months, I spent my days curled up by the space heater in Sally’s room, occasionally meandering into the other rooms in the suite for a quick roll around. At night, I watched “Chappelle’s Show” and “The Daily Show” from Sally's lap.

Sally and her suitemates smoked and drank occasionally, but I would just leave the room when they started ripping the bong or spilling beer on my coat. Everything was going swell.

Then, one Saturday night, I sauntered into Sally’s room to find her packing a huge bowl with a bunch of wideeyed derelicts. One of the bums opened his mouth — I will remember what he said until the day I lose my ninth life.

“Dude, let’s get your cat high!”

I probably could have run faster — the truth is, part of me probably wanted to try it. The assorted skeezes cornered me, picking me up by the torso and blowing a thick cloud of ganja smoke into my feline physiognomy. I wandered the dorm for the next two days, convinced that I was stalking a blue jay that I now know never existed.

Unfortunately, my capering about had earned me a reputation as “that cat who loves to get high.” Within days, every last one of the zonked-out potheads on south campus considered me a requisite good-luck charm for their sinsemilla sessions and spontaneous ciphers.

Some patchouli-dripping free spirit could simply grab me up while I was minding my own business and cart me off to another tower to show their buds just how much I loved smoking dope, or rather, how much it incapacitated me.

Cats are small — we can’t handle the Herculean amount of marijuana some of these deadbeat Brown students consume, nor are our fragile bodies able to weather with ease the physical and psychological effects of crushed Adderall, Jack Daniel’s, psilocybin mushrooms and hour after hour of the same trippy screensaver.

I soon forgot how to hunt, and where I lived; my tail was often asleep and my balance shoddy. At one point, I lived in the Bears’ Lair for two weeks, subsisting on half-eaten Nutri-grain bars and POWERade until I was rediscovered by the doped up denizens of Tower D and dragged there to preside over post-orgo celebrations. They strapped a red conical party hat to my head, and smoked me up with the finest British Columbian Catnip. I woke up in a dumpster outside of Jo’s, and began composing this letter.

I beg you residents of Grad Center: Please stop getting me high. I know you think it’s cool, but I have lost my home, my self-respect and my ability to catch mice.

The Cat who lives in Grad Center is hoping to move to Plantations House next year.

Make me famous again, Brown!

GUEST COLUMN BY JOSIAH CARBERRY Greetings, Brunonia! It is I, the sainted campus oddball and global traveler Josiah Carberry, professor emeritus of psychoceramics. If this missive reaches campus, it does so from the Black Sea by way of Kiev. I have taken quarter on a fishing trawler that sails out of the Russian port of Tuapse. The crew is on the hunt for an elusive deep-sea sturgeon known around these parts as “the Killer Beluga”; I am sifting through shards dredged up by the ship, trying to piece together a profile of the obscure Persian King Gerrymander, whose short-lived dynasty on the coast south of our position was characterized by elaborate plans to construct a city underwater.

I must say, there are times when it gets quite lonely in my sleeping bag on the deck.

Yet I take comfort knowing that no matter where I might be in the world — atop Mount Everest, surfing the Great Barrier Reef, navigating the Kalihari Desert with only the stars to guide me or deciding America’s next president in the old boy’s club of the Electoral College — Brown is with me.

Usually, I just send a postcard to University Hall from the road, but I felt it might be important to try and reach the larger community for a change. My travels used to garner headlines from the New York Times and Yankee Magazine, but now it seems nobody’s interested in a mysterious globetrotting academic from dear old Brown. I think I know why.

Don’t get me wrong, I love it when you celebrate my birthday with Dionysian merriment, and I’m more than happy to let the library use my name for their catalog system and occasional fundraising. But the Carberry sandwich is an affront to my reputation as a global scholar — it’s bringing me

down in the eyes of the world!

Just so you don’t think I’m some kind of crackpot, I’d like to make it clear that I support the idea of a double patty chicken

chicken sandwich always sounds smashing to incoming students, spending night after night at Josiah’s soon disperses the novelty. My popularity, for better or worse, is at this point linked to the sandwich, and the sandwich in turn is in desperate need of an image makeover.

By making the Carberry a three-patty affair, Brown will raise my profile, and associate me with the conspicuous, some might even say unhealthy, decadence with which I have tried to live my life. The Carberry will be the most chicken-filled sandwich north of the Mason-Dixon, a mandatory stop on the Admission Office tour. Brown students will remember the name Josiah Carberry with pride as they move on to become kooky explorers, Morgan Stanley drones, VH1 personalities, burned-out good guys and full-time WOOFers (Workers On an Organic Farm).

With my mark seared with chicken flesh into their minds, a new crop of students will take to the streets of Munich and Buenos Aires, Rome and Nairobi, Hong Kong and Katmandu, and send postcards from me once more, allowing my legend to grow as I complete my important research in solitude.

I gave my last lecture at Brown in 1927.

That night, in the University’s buttery, I ate three lobsters, and a quail stuffed with crabmeat.

I want Brown students to remember me, but I also want them to share in a little piece of what Brown gave me in the years before my travels began. So please, add a patty to the Carberry sandwich.

Just so you don’t think I’m some kind of crackpot, I’d like to make it clear that I support the idea of a double patty chicken sandwich. sandwich. But my agents have informed me that the sandwich that bears my name is often rubbery, and contains a minimal percentage of actual chicken. Furthermore, they have told me that Josiah’s, the eatery that bears my name, and serves the aforementioned sandwich, offers few legitimate food options, and is furthermore a den of profligacy, attracting mainly drunken misfits and gawkers.

While I am aware of the popularity of the Spicy Chicken sandwich, and tried the quesadillas during my visit to campus last year, it is not enough. My namesake, the sandwich, must have at least three patties.

Let me explain why all of this is important. I try to send postcards from wherever I am. But to be honest, I take my time as a global traveler. I’ve been on this trawler for the last 10 months, and scouring the Black Sea intermittently for the last decade. I became a campus celebrity because other people sent in postcards for me. First it was just Brunonians that I met in my travels, then it was every student and faculty member at Brown who ever drove south of Westerly. But my stock seems to have shrunk in recent years, and methinks the Carberry’s the culprit. The sandwich, I mean. While the notion of a double patty

Josiah Carberry will leave Russia for UlaanBator next year.

Ask BOCA THE BROWN ONLINE COURSE ANNOUNCEMENT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS Dear BOCA, My relationship with “Chas” started off great — long walks through College Hill, romantic smoothie dates, dancing at Fish Co. But lately, he has grwon increasingly erratic. One minute he’s practically humping my leg, and the next he won’t even pay attention to me. What’s up?

Confused in Caswell Dear Confused, AC0190 “The Boy Problem: Male Adolescence as Social Pathology” Examines the way in which 20th century expert and popular discourse in the U.S. has conflated male adolescence with social pathology and has constructed an image of the teenage boy as both symptomatic of and responsible for the nation’s ills. Particular attention paid to issues of gender, race, and class.

Emphasizes primary source readings and original research. Enrollment limited to 20. Written permission required. AMP M. 3:00-5:20 PM (M Hour) Dear BOCA, I love Brown and I love my friends. I have been hanging out with the same crew for two years straight, and I feel totally comfortable with them. But lately, some of my freinds are making me feel less than comfortable. They are up late in Grad Center, doing coke in the bathroom, and I think two of my suitemates just robbed a bank. What should I do?

Cowering Me in Tower D Dear Cowering, CG0152 “Thinking” (PY0152) An investigation of conceptual structure, judgment, and inferential processes. The focus is on the relation between empirical evidence, theories, and models of cognitive process and structure. Prerequisite: CG 42, or consent of instructor.

M.,W.,F. 10:00-10:50 AM (C Hour) Dear BOCA, I am a conservative student, and I’m having some trouble with my classes.

One of my profesors, and he is constantly challenging my beliefs and singling me out personally to argue with in class.

While I don’t mind the attention, I’m not sure whether I should go full steam ahead and duke it out with my professor, or step back for the good of the other students in the class. Also, should I be worried about our ideological differnces affecting my grades?

Conservative in Keeney Dear Conservative, EI0230 “Negotiating an American Classroom” (No Course Credit ) In this course, international graduate students increase their abilities to communicate accurately and fluently in English with American undergraduates.

International students develop their ability to interact, in culturally appropri-

ate ways, in a variety of teaching situations common to an institution of higher education, where they are responsible for expressing and explaining complex information and ideas in English.

M.,T.,W.,Th. 9:00-9:50 AM Dear BOCA, There’s this girl in my physics class, and she’s gorgeous, and I desperately want to ask her out. The problem is, I’m not sure if she’s into other women. What do I do? Is it appropriate to just ask her?

I’m lost at sea.

Without a paddle in Perkins Dear Without, GN0009 “From Pamela to Bridget Jones: Writing Women in Diaries and Letters” We have a cultural preoccupation with confession and ‘tell all’ television, but what are the literary precedents for this form and how do we understand the development of a confessional genre in fiction? Examines constructions of gender, sexuality, and race, use of voice and its appropriation, conceptions of decorum and madness. Writers include Richardson, Jacobs, Gilman, Rhys, Woolfe, Lorde and Fielding. For first-year students only.

T. 4:00-6:20 PM (P Hour) BOCA is 99 percent curricular database and 1 percent Ann Landers.

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

SPORTS PHUNDAY APRIL 1, 2005 · PAGE 12

Giambi announces that he’s pregnant; Yankees shocked

BY IMA SCHADE PITCHIN STAFF WRITER

In a bizarre turn of events, embattled Yankees slugger Jason Giambi announced Sunday that he is pregnant.

The latest entry in a long string of controversies for the Yankee first baseman/designated hitter is apparently the result of a lab mix-up, caused by Giambi’s use of an Estrogen/Progesterone supplement over the past six months.

“I’m just embarrassed for myself and my teammates,” Giambi said while fighting back tears during Sunday’s press conference. “I can’t get a break these days.”

This latest shocker follows on the heels of the steroids controversy that has gripped the nation in recent months, implicating many of the game’s heroes. Giambi had been implicated in this scandal, having given testimony to a grand jury regarding his steroid use.

When asked how he could have unknowingly taken female hormones over an extended period of time, Giambi broke down and explained in a quivering voice, “I never asked what supplements they were giving me. They gave me a clear substance to rub on my body and told me I’d heal quicker from my numerous injuries.”

Fans outside the Yankees’ spring training complex showed no sympathy for the slugger last weekend, taunting him with chants of “Giambi’s a lady! He’s having a baby!”

The Yankees will apparently be stuck with their former first baseman throughout his pregnancy. “There’s no clause in his contract that says it can be voided for paternity leave,” explained General Manager Brian Cashman. “This obviously is not something we took under consideration during the negotiation process.” Anonymous sources say the GM fears that team owner George Steinbrenner will hold him responsible for Giambi’s pregnancy and will expect him to sign a replacement in the next few weeks, with Albert Pujols being named as a possibility.

Giambi’s Yankee teammates have mostly remained mum on the situation, refusing to offer criticism or an explanation. Manager Joe Torre declined to comment on the alleged pregnancy but did make a slight dig at his player, stating, “I think it’d be best to give Jason and his family their privacy during this difficult ordeal. I’m just disappointed in the timing of all this. … Heaven forbid

Goldberger prepares for new and improved athletic regime

BY A. MASSIVE MUSCLEMAN SPORTS SPOKEMODEL

Steve Perry / Herald

An artist’s rendition of what New York Yankee Jason Giambi will look like near the end of his term. we ever have a quiet spring around here.”

The only player with a positive outlook on the situation was Alex Rodriguez, who exclaimed, “God, I’m proud of him! All he’s been through in the past year? The guy deserves to have a baby and take a little sabbatical from the game.” The upbeat Rodriguez continued, “Plus, this takes a little heat off me this year. You won’t be seeing my name in the headlines when JG’s ready to pop one out! In all seriousness though, it couldn’t have happened to a better man. I wish him the best.”

A premature sonogram shows Giambi’s unborn child, a male, to have unusually lean muscle mass, most likely due to his use of anabolic steroids and human growth hormones. Doctors are still skeptical of the child’s ability to hit left-handed pitching and off-speed pitches or play defense. Nevertheless, despite the unusual circumstances, doctors deem the unborn child to be in good health and not at risk to contract the intestinal parasites, bursitis, respiratory infections or benign tumors suffered by his father last year.

Giambi says that he will continue to focus on the 2005 season until his pregnancy takes precedence. “Until I start showing, which will probably be in a few weeks, I’ve been cleared to play without any risk to my child. My commitment is still to the Yankees, and I’m going to break gender barriers and prove to people that this can be done.”

On Sunday, the recently appointed Director of Athletics and Physical Education, Michael Goldberger, unveiled a “People’s Revolution” for Brown athletics.

Dressed in military fatigues, Goldberger gave a three-hour speech that outlined his plans to restore greatness to the Democratic People’s Republic of Brown.

“For too long, the common athletes have been trampled on by the coaches who use your labor and ability for their own profit,” Goldberger said. “Now we shall all move forward together, as a University.”

Goldberger announced that the University has decided to let go of all head coaches whose “poisonous radical ideas are impediments to the progress of the people.” He said, in the place of the turncoats, loyal members of the people’s University will be appointed coaches.

Other staff changes include the naming of new strength and conditioning coaches, Manfred Ewald and Manfred Hoeppner. Ewald served as former sports boss for East Germany, and Hoeppner served as Ewald’s medical director.

“These men will be the most important part of our new program,” Goldberger said of the two non-English speaking men dressed in lab coats to his right. “They will do what needs to be done to advance our athletes and make them strong.”

Through a translator, Ewald told of how he and Hoeppner helped lead East Germany to over 160 medals in their reign, using special vitamins and booster

Peter Parker / Herald

As one of the top wiffle ball prospects in the country,Matt Derksen can stuff 39 grapes in his mouth.

Recently named Athletic Director Michael Goldberger announced Friday that Brown will field an intercollegiate Wiffle Ball team starting next spring.

“As a university that embraces the niche sport, I think that introducing another classic backyard game to the Brown sports landscape is the logical move,” Goldberger said. “With the success our ultimate Frisbee team has enjoyed in recent years, it makes sense for Brown athletics to expand in this direction.”

Brown ultimate has been at the top of the college Frisbee landscape for the last few years, and its success has led aspiring athletes and administrators alike to further establish teams for more

see NPRB, page 9

Brown baseball players tested for steroids, all come up clean

BY JON DOWD SENIOR SPORTS INSPECTOR

The first round of steroid test results for Brown baseball players came back just before the team left for its spring break road trip with six players testing negative.

“We weren’t worried about the testing at all. We know we don’t need to stoop to steroids to succeed in the Ivy League,” said Head Coach Marek Drabinski. “Now, if we were in the (Atlantic Coast Conference) or something, that’d be different.”

The players tested — pitchers James

Wiffle ball to be added to sports program next spring

BY ANTHONY FRIESE SPORTS WRITER

shots.

Several Brown athletes were on stage with Goldberger, dressed in their newly issued team uniforms. The men’s track and field captain, Vaclav Testostrovosky, shared his excitement with the excited crowd of over 10,000 that gathered in the memorial stadium.

“The department treats us well,” he said. “We are so lucky to be able to compete for our great university. I would never want to leave Brown University and play for any other University that has no compassion for their people.”

In his plan for the new practice regimens, Goldberger called the rest period mandated by the Ivy League “an attempt of the autocratic sportists to limit the freedom of our athletes.”

“Our athletes will receive proper training, which includes specialized nutrition and education,” Goldberger said.

For what he cited as reasons of national security, Goldberger refused to comment on how long athletes will train each day or where the new training facilities are located.

Goldberger said that through reasonable allocations within the University, the athletic department has quintupled its budget for next year.

“The resources were there, it was just a matter of convincing the right people,” he said. “Everyone must know that our University is rich with resources, and we will spare no expense in showing everyone just how great Brown University is.”

A large portion of the money will go into recruitment of new athletes. The athletic camps for young aspiring college

“lazy afternoon” sports, according to Goldberger.

“If we have a Frisbee team to take advantage of all the talented disc throwers within Brown’s student population, then we should have similar outfits for those with the ability to throw a textbook slider and a triple-break curveball in flip-flops. If we’re not going to do our part in climbing to the top of the college Wiffle Ball landscape, someone else will,” Goldberger said. “And I think the University wants a dominant Wiffle Ball team.”

The recent unveiling of the Wiffle Ball program has caught the interest of high school junior Matt Derkson of Billings, Mont. A highly touted shortstop who is see WIFFLE, page 9

Cramphin ’06, Joel DeMaria ’05 and Herald sports staff writer Shaun McNamara ’06, catcher Devin Thomas ’07, shortstop Jeff Nichols ’05 and first baseman Danny Hughes ’06 — were randomly selected the first week of practice.

The results were held for two extra weeks while Hughes submitted a second sample. His first sample tested as belonging to a different species.

“I mean, there must have been some kind of error in the test or something.

While it certainly would’ve been easy enough for me to go on the Internet and order a clean sample from a company in Mexico, which turned out to be from a horse, why would I do that? Of course, it’s not like I’d even know how to do that. I swear,” Hughes said.

With the distraction of the tests no longer hanging over it, the team was able to go 4-2 over spring nreak, raising its record to 4-8.

“Of course it was a relief to get the results back. How would you do on an exam if you knew there was a possibility you could get kicked out of the class the following week if you returned a false positive?” co-captain Nichols said.

“These have been the most stressful weeks of my entire life. If I get picked (to get tested again) next time, I might just quit.”

The next round of testing begins next week.

“It’s all about staying eligible, man,” Cramphin said.