Issuu

M O N D A Y APRIL 5, 2004

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD Volume CXXXIX, No. 41

An independent newspaper serving the Brown community since 1891

BROWN TO BUY RISD

Citing space, liability, U. to eliminate oncampus housing

RISD to be renamed BRISD; both endowments will be combined BY DICKENS BELKNAP

— the silver bullet for the Democrats is David Greene,” Zogby said. If elected, Greene, who stepped into the campus life post last July, would be the first person to move directly from mid-level university administration to the vice presidency. Greene has never held public office, although he said he is a registered Democrat. He previously served as assistant to President Ruth Simmons at Brown and Smith College and was a student life administrator at Wells College in Aurora, N.Y. The Bush campaign had no official comment on Greene, but strategists said the administrator’s selection had

The Brown Corporation announced Friday that it plans to buy the Rhode Island School of Design. The two schools, which have had a solid partnership on College Hill, will officially merge this coming fall. RISD will be renamed BRISD, the Brown Rhode Island School of Design. Negotiating teams from both schools met last week, while students were off campus and the University was officially closed for spring break. According to Director of the News Service Mark Nickel, the administrations of the two schools had discussed the merger for several years and met last week “to iron out the details.” Brown will pay RISD trustees an undisclosed amount and has promised to increase the RISD operating budget by an undisclosed percentage, Nickel said. The merger comes at a time when RISD has been suffering from financial difficulty and Brown is looking to increase its endowment to fund President Ruth Simmons’ Initiatives for Academic Enrichment. “RISD is the premier art and design school in the nation and Brown is a leader in cooperation that will enable better access to resources and liberal arts education. The two have shared much in the past and will continue to share much in the future. Both schools will be greatly benefited by heightened opportunities for all students,” Simmons said in a statement released Friday. Although she said RISD students might feel betrayed by the merger, RISD Director of External Relations Ann Hudner promised it will not alter student life and academics. BRISD students will maintain their own classes and their own dormitories, but plans will be drafted next year to allow for integrated dormitories between Brown and BRISD students and increased cross-registration, Hudner said. Brown Director of Admission Michael Goldberger said all applicants will apply through the Brown Office of Admission, but prospective students will note whether they want to be considered for admission to Brown, BRISD or both. The BRISD Office of Admission, which will remain in its own building and run its own tours, will select its own students and continue to require portfolios. “I think this new change will draw in more applicants to both schools. Brown will now be able to draw in applicants from potential BRISD students and BRISD will be able to attract students from the Brown pool,”

see KERRY, page 7

see BRISD, page 4

BY APPLE ONEIDA

Following recent cutbacks to parking, storage and printing, the University announced yesterday that it will not provide students with on-campus housing, effective this fall. “It’s really a liability thing,” said David Greene, interim vice president for campus life and student services. “I mean, a student could slip in the shower, slam his finger in the door, stub his toe on a desk — we just can’t afford to take the risk.” The decision, which will take effect next semester, came after administrators also received complaints from faculty and staff about congestion on College Hill. “When we realized how much space we could open up by doing away with student parking, we just started looking for other ways to meet those needs,” Greene said. Greene said he understands that students may be concerned by the decision and promised that administrators will find a way to accommodate their housing needs. Possibilities include a “tent city” on the Main Green for students unable to find off-campus apartments. “The welfare of our students is the absolute top concern of this administration,” Greene said. “Except, of course, for cost, space and liability. If Brown wants to keep its place as a premier institution, we need to constantly be on the lookout for ways to be more efficient.” Mail services, fitness facilities, advising and classes may be the next student “perks” to go as the administration looks to cut costs and reduce liability, according to Greene . “We have issues all over the place,” he said. “Take Food Services, for instance. One bad batch of Saturday Night Jambalaya, and we’re out of business.”

Clark Kent / Herald

A RISD student sits mournfully on a piece of land previously owned by her university. Brown recently purchased RISD in unprecedented corporate-takeover fashion, and this property on College Hill will be part of newly formed BRISD.

Hunter: Simmons ignored al-Qaeda threat before 9/11 BY APPLE ONEIDA

A top administrator went public yesterday with allegations that President Ruth Simmons ignored the threat posed by alQaeda and did not consider terrorism an “urgent priority” before the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. “Not once in my time in University Hall did I hear the president make reference to the threat from international terrorists,” said Walter Hunter, vice president for administration. “There was no plan in place. It was pure neglect.” In the early months of Simmons’ term, Hunter alleged, the president’s focus on need-blind admissions, interdisciplinary initiatives and hiring new faculty distracted the administration from combating the terror threat.

“From day one, this administration’s priorities were elsewhere,” Hunter said. “Meanwhile, al-Qaeda was building up its capabilities and plotting to kill thousands of Americans.” Hunter called for a full investigation of “what the president knew and when she knew it.” But University Hall officials were quick to denounce the allegations, blaming bureaucratic inertia during the Gee and Blumstein administrations for the attacks. “When we came into office, we certainly weren’t handed any plan for combating al-Qaeda,” said Dean of the College Paul Armstrong. “The two previous administrations had plenty of time to address this see AL-QAEDA, page 5

Kerry names Greene as running mate BY MATILDA GREENWICH

Poppy Harwood / Herald

John Kerry introduces University administrator and vice-presidential candidate David Greene to supporters at a Sunday night rally.

In a move that shook up both the U.S. presidential race and the Brown administration, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry (DMass.) named David Greene, interim vice president for campus life and student services, as his running mate. The selection stunned political commentators, many of whom predicted the addition of Greene to the ticket would lead to a landslide victory for the Democrats in the November election. Greene’s approval numbers are “off the charts,” said independent pollster John Zogby. “I’ve never seen anything like it. “Forget (Sen.) John McCain (R-Ariz.)

W E AT H E R F O R E C A S T

I N S I D E M O N D AY, A P R I L 5 , 2 0 0 4 Yo-Yo Ma to play Spring Weekend; BCA Booking Chair Dustin Keitel ’04 tells girlfriend arts & culture, page 3

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U. to invite all students to TWTP, but secret password required for admission campus news, page 4

Career Development Center officials hid that office was open to liberal arts students campus news, page 5

BuDS to offer more than matzo for students observing Passover campus news, page 6

M. basketball rests hopes for NCAA championship on phenom toddler sports, page 12

MONDAY

locusts high 98 low -12

TUESDAY

apocalypse high 2694 Kelvin low 0 Kelvin

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

THIS MORNING MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004 · PAGE 2 Coup de Grace Greg Shilling and Todd Goldstein

TO D AY ’ S E V E N TS BIRD FEEDING AS AN ART 2 p.m. (Social Hall, Hillel) — Harvard Professor Lee Schmaltzman will lecture on how God, through art and nature, intends for Jews to give unused bread to pigeons as the start of Passover approaches. A PowerPoint presentation and a singalong will be included.

PRANK-CALLING: WHY IT’S SO MUCH FUN 9 p.m. (Arnold Lounge, Keeney Quadrangle) — A documentary followed by discussion on the teenage impulse to bother old, gray-haired ladies over the phone. An experiment involving prank-calling techniques from the movie will follow after the discussion in Keeney dorm rooms.

Four Years Sheila Maithel

MENU SHARPE REFECTORY LUNCH — Lots of Cereal, Cream of Wheat, Jamaican Pot Roast, Sri Lanka Surprise, Lamb Roast, Clean Chicken, Dirty Rice, Creole-Baked Yam Pie, Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, Baked Lay’s, Fritos,Tostitos, Salsa, Guacamole (made without avocado), Mandarin Blend of Vegetables, Drugs, More Drugs, Pasta, Cheeseburgers, Hot Dogs,This Ain’t Yo Papa’s Pad Thai, Refried Beans, Sesame Seed Cookies, Coconut Crescent Cookies.

VERNEY-WOOLLEY DINING HALL LUNCH — Vegetarian Fagoli Soup, Chicken with Wild and Crazy Rice, Italian Sausage and Peppers Sandwich, Vegan Tofu Ravioli with Sauce, Breaded Cod with Lobster Sauce, Breaded Halibut with Cod Sauce, Breaded Herring with Halibut Sauce, Breaded Flounder with Herring Sauce, Breaded Scrod with Cod and Herring Sauce, Breaded Halibut with Herring Sauce, Breaded Cod with Scrod Sauce, More Bread.

My Best Effort Matt Vascellaro

DINNER — Leftovers. DINNER — Leftovers.

PUZZLES Greg and Todd’s Awesome Comic Nate Goralnik

DOWN 1 Academy frosh 2 Cassette half 3 Religious rahs 4 Serena’s sport 5 Wimp 6 Sports deal maker 7 Work the bar 8 Prior to 9 Inuit home 10 Silly smile 11 Ryan of “Sleepless in Seattle” 12 Cigar remnant 13 Chicago hrs. 21 Naval petty officer 22 Knights’ fights 25 Fluorescent bulb filler 26 Beauty parlor 27 New Hampshire city 29 Allude (to) 30 Motor lodge 31 Boise’s state 32 Clean, as a spill 33 See eye to eye 11

35 Ricky Martin, notably 36 Fit for farming 38 Hairstyles 39 Dumbo, for one 44 Has a feeling 46 Front or rear auto guard 48 Break down grammatically 49 Backpack feature

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ARTS & CULTURE MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004 · PAGE 3

Yo-Yo Ma added to Spring Weekend lineup

“Untitled” delights audience with expression of universal themes BY JACOB APPLEBLOSSOM

BY HAPPY PRESTWICK

World-renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma has been added to the Spring Weekend concert lineup, according to a source from Brown Concert Agency. BCA Booking Chair Dustin Keitel ’04 confirmed that Ma will headline the Thursday night concert. “Even my girlfriend knows now that YoYo Ma is playing,” Keitel said. “She’s superpsyched.” Ma is expected to play selections from his latest release, “Vivaldi’s Cello.” He is currently touring in support of that album. On April 29, just days after his Spring Weekend performance, Ma will perform the same program at Lincoln Center. Ma, who records for the Sony Classical label, is a classically trained musician who was born in Paris and began to study cello at the age of four. A 1976 Harvard University graduate, he has won 15 Grammy Awards and released 50 CDs. Representatives for Ma could not be reached for comment. Director of Orchestras Paul Phillips said he was surprised to hear Ma would be headlining the Spring Weekend concert, but said he’s hopeful that the Brown Orchestra might be able to collaborate. “I’m definitely going to be contacting his people,” Phillips said.

Countless plays have attempted to capture a single story or theme, but the new Production Workshop play “Untitled” by Rebecca Wiener ’04 effortlessly captures every story and every theme. “Untitled” manages to be simultaneously about love, sexuality, the turmoil of growing up, family rifts, class struggle and other themes the audience must extrapolate from the play’s intricate web of meaning. The true brilliance of “Untitled” is that the rotating cast and absence of scenery allows the play to represent every person and every plight that has, does or will exist. It is difficult to classify a play that covers so much ground in one graceful swoop. By embodying elements of every genre, “Untitled” creates a category that can only be labeled as “original.” “It is not a comedy or a tragedy or a musical. It is all of these things and yet it is none. It simply is,” Wiener said. According to Wiener, that is why the play is titled “Untitled.” “A piece as profound as this cannot by restricted by labels or titles” she said. Ironically, the boundlessness of “Untitled” spawned from a set of strict guidelines. To be considered for production, submitted screenplays could use only a squeegee and an empty bottle of Honest Tea.

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It is difficult to classify a play that covers so much ground in one graceful swoop. By embodying elements of every genre,“Untitled” creates a category that can only be labeled as “original.” “It is not a comedy or a tragedy or a musical. It is all of these things and yet it is none. It simply is,” said playwright Rebecca Wiener ’04. Yet Wiener said this did not hinder her vision. “These were actually more props than I needed,” she said. “In life, there are no props.” The rotating cast moves around a darkened stage and never looks at one another when speaking. Perhaps the characters’ interactions cannot even be called “speaking,” since all dialogue is pre-recorded and played through speakers that surround the theater. In this manner, the actors communicate without ever moving their lips. The exchanges are not restricted to simple dialogue. Long periods of low chanting and exaggerated laughter comprise a significant portion of the four-hour production. Though no explanation is provided for these interjections, a discerning viewer

can easily read the profound stories of woe that are written between the monotonous laughter and chants. Unfortunately, the show was performed only once, on Friday. Unbeknownst to the cast, Emanuel Histrion, a Broadway scout, attended that evening’s performance. After the show, Histrion spoke to the director of “Untitled,” Jeb Berman ’05, and begged him to bring the show to New York City’s theater scene, “where it can get the recognition it indisputably deserves,” Histrion said. Though “Untitled” can no longer be seen on a Brown stage, the impact left by its single performance will remain in Brown’s cultural memory for years to come.

PAGE 4 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004

BRISD continued from page 1 Goldberger said. Goldberger denied the possibility that higher selectivity and better rankings were the impetus for the merger. The Corporation’s tentative plan, released on Friday, outlined what will and will not be affected by the merger. The endowments of the two schools will be combined. The financial growth of the schools will be overseen by the Brown Corporation. RISD President Roger Mandle will become the first Chancellor of BRISD. His role will be to oversee BRISD as he now does for RISD. He will answer to Simmons and the Brown Corporation. Mandle will have to maintain the school’s reputation as a leader in art and design and prevent the school’s merge with Brown from hurting this reputation among prospective applicants and alumni. The RISD Board of Trustees will serve as an advisory committee for Simmons and Mandle, but it will no longer make decisions about the school and its future. The Brown Corporation will expand to allow three RISD trustees to join the merged leadership team. All RISD administrators will maintain their posts but will be known as BRISD administrators. “It is important that this transition be as smooth as possible,” Hudner said. “All of the

administrative infrastructure and academic organization will remain the same. We want the BRISD students to feel that their school hasn’t been sold so much as it has been improved.” As news of the Brown-RISD merger hit other campuses, Harvard University trustees scheduled a meeting this week to discuss the potential buyout of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, according to the school’s Web site. The schools are adjacent to each other and have cooperated academically in the past. “If Harvard and MIT became one school, Cambridge would truly be the center of academia in the world,” Harvard firstyear student Tara Gadgil told The Herald. But these mergers are scaring some educators. “Schools are not like banks. One can’t just buy another one. This is not the corporate sector, and the notion that one school can be consumed by another is ludicrous,” said Vartan Gregorian, president of the Carnegie Corporation and former Brown president. “We are watching the decay of the system of higher education as we know it. What’s next? Getting rid of the Ivy League and making it one school? Preposterous!” Gregorian said. Brown and BRISD will coordinate academic schedules, so the start of classes in September will be at the same time for both schools. BRISD students will not be permitted to walk through the Van Wickle Gates.

TWTP to invite all students; secret password required for admission to program BY HAPPY PRESTWICK

All entering members of the Class of 2007 will be invited to the preorientation Third World Transition Program, but admission to the program will require a secret password, University officials announced yesterday. A secret decoder ring will be sent to a randomly selected group of first-year students, which will help them decipher the coded invitation. Administrators said this will allow the University to abide by the Supreme Court decision in the Michigan affirmative action case and still maintain the “TWTP experience.” Last summer’s Supreme Court decision has forced universities to open minority-only orientation programs to students of all races and ethnicities. Administrators previously did not disclose that TWTP was open to all students, and only minority students were invited. Karen McLaurin-Chesson ’74, director of the Third World Center, said this method will keep too many students from enrolling in TWTP and help the program remain “intimate.” “TWTP is a valuable experience for members of the Third World community,” she said. “If we keep the program exclusive, we will keep that valuable experience. Who is invited is less important than how many people.” McLaurin-Chesson said that the use of the secret decoder ring will also make the TWTP application process much more challeng-

ing. “I have a feeling there will be kids out there who really want to attend but who aren’t lucky enough to get the secret code,” she said. “I can see them trying and trying to decode the invitation, but they just won’t have any luck figuring it out.” Any entering first-year who does not receive the secret decoder ring but calls the Third World Center to inquire about the coded invitation will be told the password, she said. Gianna Giancarlo ’08 said she is interested in attending TWTP and hopes she receives a decoder ring. But Giancarlo said she thinks a more straightforward code, such as an alphanumeric system, might have been a better way to determine admission to the program. But David Greene, interim vice president for campus life and student services, said he thinks the secret decoder ring might be a good way to identify students who are interested. “If students take the time to decode the invitation using the ring, it will show they’re really interested,” he said. “And, if they don’t get the ring, and they’re interested enough to call the TWTP, then that’s better still.” Greene said Provost Robert Zimmer proposed the idea of the secret-decoder ring, citing his use of such a ring — pulled from a cereal box — to monitor membership in what Greene said Zimmer calls, in jest, “the faculty club.” Zimmer could not be reached for comment.

Student swears at telemarketer BY ZELMA NEEDLEMAN

David Whittaker ’04 vaguely remembers chewing out a telemarketer who dialed his Harkness room around 9 a.m. Monday, sources say. After being rudely awakened by a man purporting to represent the One Free America credit card offered by Dewey, Cheatham & Howe International, Inc., Whittaker “gave him an earful,” said friend Graham Gill ’05, who noted Whittaker’s predisposition to very late nights. “David hasn’t gotten up during daylight hours since orientation,” Gill said. “So he pretty much told this guy to go (expletive) his (expletive)’s (expletive).” Whittaker, a veteran member of Technology House, admitted he prefers to “hit the sack” around 5 a.m. He said the early-morning phone call alarmed him because he thought there might be an emergency at the Center for Information Technology. “I mean, I’m a senior!” Whittaker said. “No one should be calling me before noon, at least!” Representatives from Dewey, Cheatham & Howe International, Inc. did not return calls seeking comment.

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MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 5

Administrators did not disclose opening of Career Development Center to liberal arts students Administrators chose not to publicize a decision that officially opened the Career Development Center to liberal arts first-years last fall. The decision was “probably motivated” by a large donation proposal in June 2003 from an anonymous alum who had concentrated in a liberal arts area, said Kimberly DelGizzo, director of the CDC and associate dean of the college. “I didn’t think it was necessary for public announcement,” DelGizzo said. Looking back on this decision, she said there “probably should have been an announcement.” Liberal arts students in the Class of 2007 did not receive invitations to the pre-orientation program, although they would have been admitted if they had requested to attend. DelGizzo said she is unsure whether liberal arts students will receive invitations this fall. Since the proposal was submitted, a number of Brown’s peer institutions have announced the opening of their sciences orientation programs to liberal arts students. Last month, the Yale Daily News reported that Yale University’s pre-orientation program, Curricular Connections, will be open to liberal arts students this fall. “Like every other college and university, we’ve been looking at all of our diversity programs to ensure they are compliant with the changing financial environment,” said Interim Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services David Greene. “The CDC has just been part of a larger process.” In addition to addressing recruiting concerns, the acceptance of liberal arts students to the CDC aligns the program with the

University’s general mission, Greene said. This involves “having programs in general that are open to all students,” he said. But explicitly inviting liberal arts students raises economic issues the University needs to address, DelGizzo said. Depending on the response of future incoming classes, the CDC might not be able to budget for or accommodate all interested students, given its current resources. “We can’t afford to have a CDC for the entire incoming class,” she said. “We don’t have the capacity.” Admitting liberal arts students also poses ideological problems, DelGizzo said. Although all students can attend, the program primarily addresses issues concerning students of mathematical and scientific prowess. Admitting liberal arts students will change how the CDC is both described and marketed to students, Greene said. “At the same time, we’re undertaking a more systematic review of the CDC to ensure that the program continues to be completely relevant and that it best meets the needs of students today,” he said. Since the CDC was opened to liberal arts students in the fall of 2003, according to DelGizzo, the language of its mission statement has become more inclusive. The statement that “the CDC is a space for science and math students to share a history of collective experiences” has been removed since the fall of 2001. The statement currently on the CDC Web site describes the program as “a forum primarily for students of science and math…primarily designed to help entering students of science, engineering and math identify and increase their awareness of issues they will encounter at Brown as minorities in a predom-

al-Qaeda

istration outlined an aggressive plan to bolster “intellectual and physical security” on campus. But the plan languished on Simmons’ desk for weeks, never receiving final approval. Hunter charged that the proposal, which did not mention alQaeda by name, was typical of the administration’s wavering commitment to fighting the threat. He recalled a meeting the same month in which Simmons “gave the impression that she had never even heard of al-Qaeda.” Simmons herself refused to respond to the allegations, citing a long-standing precedent against commenting on internal University communications.

continued from page 1 issue, and they dropped the ball.” Hunter’s book, “Against All Administrators,” is scheduled for release next week, leading some University officials to question the motives behind the allegations. “This is a ploy to sell books, not an accurate account of what went on behind the scenes,” said Provost Robert Zimmer. “This administration has been unwavering in its fight against terrorism.” Zimmer pointed to an August 2001 memo in which the admin-

inantly liberal arts institution.” When Stephen Kilar ’05 visited the CDC as a first-year in 2000 and as a Career Peer Counselor in 2001, he said she did not believe liberal arts students were permitted to attend. “But I don’t recall hearing anything to the contrary,” he said. Kilar said he thinks the presence of liberal arts students could significantly impact the CDC. Students might be less likely to address “touchy” workplace issues if the comfort of the program were compromised, he said. “Sometimes you guard yourself if liberal arts students are there,” he said. “It’ll make it a different program, but it’s hard to say if it will be better or worse. For me, it was invaluable to have that experience coming into college.” But Noah Lorenzana ’07, who attended this year’s program, said he disagrees. “I’m not sure, but I think the program would still go the same way,” he said. “They’d still talk about the same things––the effects of rising lab costs, the inaccuracies of scientific television programs such as CSI and so on.” Lorenzana said he was also unaware that liberal arts students could become involved with the CDC, but he said he would still have participated if liberal arts students had attended, if only to gain early exit from his home state of California.

U. inks 5-year corporate sponsorship pact with UPS BY APPLE ONEIDA

Beneath a 20-foot banner asking, “What can Brown do for you?” President Ruth Simmons and United Parcel Service chief Michael Eskew yesterday signed an unprecedented sponsorship agreement worth almost $200 million over the next five years. “Brown and UPS are both premier organizations providing the best services their fields have to offer,” Simmons said. “It’s only natural that we join hands in our pursuit of excellence.” As part of the deal, the University will now use the name “Brown University Presented By UPS” in all official publications. Additionally, the University’s motto, “In Deo Speramus” — “In God We Hope” — will be changed to “In Next-Day-Delivery Speramus.” In return for the naming rights, UPS will contribute $37.5 million to the Brown Annual Fund over each of the next five years, with a $35 million option for the three following years. “This is a historic moment for the University,” Simmons said. “This revenue will be indispensable to us as we continue with the academic enrichment process.” The deal also includes cooperation in the areas of academics and campus life. Beginning next year, course offerings will include “Introduction to Shipping

Methods,” “Politics of International Deliveries” and “Packing Queerly: Gay Perspectives on Shipping Labels.” The University has already hired 12 UPS executives to teach the classes. UPS has also agreed to offer dozens of internship and job opportunities for students interested in gaining hands-on experience in the field. “This will be a great addition to our resources,” said Andrea O’Leary, assistant director of career development. “We realize that not all students want to be investment bankers — some want to be shipping clerks as well.” As part of the deal, a weeklong “UPS Carnival” next year will include a brown-shorts fashion show, as well as a raffle to win a lifetime supply of cardboard boxes. “We’re going to put this campus on the forefront of the shipping revolution,” Eskew said. “This will set the standard for corporate-academic collaboration for the rest of the Ivy League.” Already, Yale and Harvard universities have disclosed the possibility of sponsorship deals with Huggies Diapers and the International Fertilizer Association, respectively. Brown students will also receive free shipping as part of the deal, though administrators have said having students lift heavy boxes presents liability

PAGE 6 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004

IN BRIEF DPS chief refuses comment on how day is going Department of Public Safety Chief Paul Verrecchia refused to comment Friday when co-worker Michelle Nuey asked how his day was going in a brief latemorning hallway encounter. “My day is currently open and ongoing, and I feel it would be inappropriate for me to comment on its status at this time,” Verrecchia told Nuey. Nuey, taken slightly aback by the response, made another attempt at small talk later in the day when she asked Verrecchia how he was enjoying his egg-salad sandwich, but the attempt met a similar fate. “I am currently in the process of eating the sandwich,” Verrecchia said.“I don’t feel it is proper to discuss it at this time.” Verrecchia referred all further questions about his day to the Brown News Service.

Football player awkwardly accepts Safewalk Offensive linebacker Evan Barbosa ’07 agreed to a Safewalk from Wriston Quad to the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center in what he described as an “uncomfortable incident” Saturday night. “Um, yeah, sure, I guess,” Barbosa said when asked whether he needed company for the walk. He later told The Herald he would have felt bad about turning

the pair of Safewalkers down. The incident became more awkward for Barbosa when the trio passed a group of his teammates on Thayer Street. Barbosa, who carries 290 pounds on his 6’4’’ frame, seemed distressed by the incident. “I mean, I guess safety is important,” he said. Roxie Tinkerbell / Herald

This year, BuDS will offer more than just matzo during Passover.

Molecular biology becomes final concentration to put Marx, Said on course syllabi Students in molecular biology classes next year will be required to read the works of Karl Marx and Edward Said, making communist and anti-Orientalist thought a component of every academic concentration at Brown. “The writings of these authors have much insight to yield on the microscopic workings of life systems,” said Professor of Molecular Biology Arthur Landy.“No Brown education can be complete without some knowledge of these giants of modern molecular biology.” The classes’ focus will be on the oppression of the endoplasmic reticulum by the mitochondria, as well as the exotification of the Golgi apparatus in modern Western scholarship, Landy said.

— Apple Oneida

BuDS to offer wide range of kosher-forPassover food options BY ROXIE TINKERBELL

When the sun sets tonight, signaling the beginning of Passover, Brown Dining Services will unveil a revamped menu for the Jewish holiday that celebrates the Israelites’ exodus from slavery in Egypt. In the past, BuDS has placed boxes of matzo, the traditional unleavened bread eaten during the eight-day holiday, in campus dining facilities. But this year, for the first time, the Sharpe Refectory and Verney-Woolley Dining Hall will feature a full menu of gourmet kosher-for-Passover options, produced in kitchens cleansed in preparation for the holiday according to religious law. “I always knew the feathers and candles we ordered in bulk would come in handy,” Dunleavy said. “We already had spoons.” These items are used in the ritual cleansing of the home before the beginning of Passover. Students will be able to select matzo ball soup, salmon gefilte fish and aspara-

gus-and-caramelized-spring-onion farfel during dinner hours, she said. Dunleavy said the menu was revamped in response to several notes pinned to the suggestion board in the VDub. “We always tailor our offerings to student requests immediately upon receiving them,” she said. “Improving the options available to Jewish students was all in a day’s work for us.” But the process to offer a Passover menu was more involved than past improvements. During spring break, a team of consultants from several New York City delicatessens visited Brown to introduce cafeteria workers and student supervisors to traditional Jewish recipes. “The guy from Katz’s worked with us until we had made the perfect Pesachdik pizza,” said Gate worker Michael Pickford ’05. Manischewitz kosher wine also will be available at the Underground this weekend.

MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 7

Bush refuses to allow Rice to testify before Slavery and Justice Committee BY SILVER WALDENWOOD

U.S. National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice will not give testimony to the University’s Steering Committee on Slavery and Justice, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Thursday. “When we agreed that Ms. Rice would testify publicly before the 9-11 Commission, we did so only under the condition that her testimony not set precedent,” McClellan said. “If she were to give testimony to the (Slavery and Justice Committee), that would clearly be following this non-set precedent and breaking the old precedent, which her latest testimony did not replace with a new precedent,” he added. The committee is seeking input from Rice because she is an example of an African American who has risen to national prominence, said Professor of American Civilization James Campbell, the committee chair. The committee has become something of a media darling lately, receiving coverage from newspapers such as The New York Times and USA Today, from wire services such as the Associated Press and on television programs such as NBC’s “Today” Show and Fox News.

College Republicans call for equal representation from Public Art Committee BY ROXIE TINKERBELL

Calling upon the University to follow through on its commitment to intellectual diversity, the Brown College Republicans have requested that the likeness of an elephant be installed in a public space on campus. The demand came in response to Brown’s announcement that it would install Paola Pivi’s 2003 work “Untitled (Donkey)” on the Thayer Street side of the Sciences Library. “A three-foot photograph of a donkey — the symbol of the Democratic Party — on the SciLi reflects Brown’s not-sosubtle bias toward the left,” said Joe Lisska ’04, co-president of the College Republicans. “It is only fair that the symbol of the Republican Party be given equal space for display.” Lisska suggested that a representation of an elephant be installed on the wall of MacMillan Hall facing Thayer Street. “That way, if you’re looking out from Patriots Arch, the donkey would be on your left, and the elephant would be on your right,” he said. “I think the symbolism is clear.” Chancellor Emeritus Artemis Joukowsky ’55, the current chairman of the PAC, said Lisska’s critique deserves attention. “The art we have brought to campus has been beautiful, but it is not conservative,” he said. “The bright colors of the (Roy) Lichtenstein sculpture

Saferide exposé alleges laundering, insider pizza trading BY ZELMA NEEDLEMAN

University safety fixture SafeRIDE may once again be a thing of students’ nightmares. Seventeen drivers from the campus shuttle service were indicted Friday on charges of money laundering, perjury and insider pizza trading. The group, which called itself Seventeen to a Slice, is accused of blackmailing local pizza vendors for their trade secrets, then offering them to competing establishments at exorbitant prices. The drivers could face charges of 25 years to life on the last charge, which alleges that the group “carelessly and willfully ignored company confidentiality to sell pizza recipes.” Thayer Street restaurants

involved included Philippe’s, which was forced to declare bankruptcy after paying a SafeRIDE driver $5 million for the secret to Via Via’s crust, and popular slice seller Antonio’s. Antonio Vizzini, the owner of Antonio’s, says he plans to press charges of his own against the wheelers and dealers of SafeRIDE. “No one,” said Vizzini, “I mean no one messes with our pizza.” Students who had been waiting on a cold corner for a SafeRIDE shuttle greeted the news with little more than a shrug. “I mean, they’re never there when you need them,” said Fredrick Brantley ’07. “I guess it kind of makes sense they were doing a little on the side.”

Stanford named newest member of Ivy League BY DICKENS BELKNAP

A Salvador Dali elephant the University is considering for display. (“Brushstrokes”), the Christ imagery of David Nash’s “Box Cross,” the starkness of the stone shaft on the Main Green — this is not (President George W.) Bush’s private collection.”

Joukowsky said he has contacted city officials in London about borrowing a Salvador Dali sculpture of an elephant that is on display there but has not yet heard back from them.

Kerry

The crowd broke

continued from page 1 thrown the president’s campaign into disorder. “This guy has no track record,” said one Republican strategist, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “He’s untouchable. We don’t know what we’re going to do with him.” Another strategist said Bush volunteers spent Sunday night searching through The Herald’s archives for any “coals” to include in campaign ads attacking Greene. At a press conference Sunday, Kerry introduced Greene to a cheering crowd. “David Greene is a reformer with results,” Kerry said. “For almost a year, he has worked within the Brown administration to improve housing, dining and recreation facilities for

into cheers of “We want Greene! We want Greene!” 6,000 university students. After that, working with Congress to balance the budget, improve health care and education, protect the environment and restore common-sense foreign policy to the United States should be no problem.” The crowd broke into cheers of “We want Greene! We want Greene! We want Greene!” as Kerry clasped Greene’s hand and held it high. Sunday’s announcement also came as a surprise to University administrators, who must now appoint an interim interim vice president for campus life and student services.

The Ivy League presidents on Saturday announced the addition of Stanford University to the venerable college consortium. In an unprecedented ceremony, all eight Ivy presidents stood beside Stanford President John Hennessy as he announced his school’s addition to the Ivy League before the media at a scheduled press conference. “We are delighted to be a part of this great association of schools. Bringing Stanford in will make the Ivy League a national organization, and not just one of Northeast elitism. It opens the doors to all schools, across the nation, and sends the message that quality of higher education will be rewarded,” Hennessy said. The motives for adding Stanford are not yet clear. As each Ivy is separate in endowment and decision-making, the schools share more than strong reputations and an athletic conference. Bringing Stanford into the group, in the words of Harvard University President Lawrence Summers, “just made sense.” Columbia President Lee Bollinger, in an interview with The New York Times, said, “We don’t have a hidden motive here. We felt that the Ivy League was too stuffy, and that incorporating a California school would help improve our images as national, if not international, universities.” But while some are confused about Stanford’s addition, other colleges and universities are flat-out angry. “This is the most absurd thing ever. It’s not that I wish MIT were included in the Ivy League, it’s that I’m just so confused by it all. You can’t just name another Ivy. And you certainly can’t name a school that doesn’t have ivy at all. They have palm trees in Palo Alto. Palm trees, not ivy,” said Massachusetts Institute of Technology President Charles Vest. Representatives from Tufts University, Williams College and Middlebury College have all publicly spoken out against the decision.

PAGE 8 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004

TheFacebook. com launches at Brown, immediately crashes Dozens of Brown virgins registered at TheFacebook.com Sunday night, putting such a strain on its servers that the Web site shut down for over six hours. Developed by Mark Zuckerberg, a Harvard University sophomore, and introduced at Harvard on Feb. 6, TheFacebook.com creates an online social network among students, faculty and staff on the campuses it serves. Though the site does not list Brown on its home page as an official member university, Brown students may now sign up for its services, Zuckerberg told The Herald. Upon registration, users can search TheFacebook.com for fellow students who share their interests. But Zuckerberg said the site was overloaded when too many Brown students searched for what he termed “potential deflowerers.” Fewer than 100 Brown students had signed up by late Sunday night, but they had performed over 4,500 searches, according to Zuckerberg. But he said none of the Brown users had yet used a feature that allows them to contact other users. — Gerald Hartwick

Simmons to marry Teresa Heinz Kerry, sources claim BY JONATHAN COLGATE

University President Ruth Simmons and Teresa Heinz Kerry, the wife of Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), are planning a June wedding, according to sources close to the couple. “This marriage gives both women what they want,” said Darrell West, professor of political science and author of the book “Celebrity Politics.” “Teresa Kerry has always had a thing for power — she’s married two senators — and there’s hardly a more prominent university president than Ruth Simmons,” West said. “And Brown desperately needs Kerry’s money,” he added. Heinz Kerry inherited an estimated $700 million in ketchup money from her first spouse, the late Sen. John Heinz, according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Simmons has said she hopes to raise $1 billion in Brown’s capital campaign, which is slated to launch officially sometime in 2005 and is currently in its quiet phase. According to the sources, who spoke to The Herald on condition of anonymity, Simmons and Heinz Kerry will

seek a marriage license in Massachusetts, where the Supreme Judicial Court has mandated that licenses be granted to same-sex couples beginning May 17. But the lovebirds’ efforts could be hindered by recent efforts to block that mandate, now that lawmakers have begun a lengthy process to amend the state constitution to ban gay marriage. Additionally, a 91-year-old Massachusetts law prohibits couples whose marriage would be illegal in their home state to wed there. Same-sex marriage is currently illegal in Rhode Island, and the state legislature is debating the issue. Simmons has not spoken publicly about gay marriage, though Brown’s Undergraduate Council of Students is currently debating a resolution in support of gay marriage. It is not clear how John Kerry’s campaign would be impacted if his wife and Simmons tied the knot. Presumably, Heinz Kerry would have to divorce Kerry, which could tarnish his public image. On Sunday, the senator reiterated his stance against gay marriage.

Administrators release most cryptic e-mail to date BY SILVER WALDENWOOD

An e-mail sent to the campus community Sunday night may have done more to confuse its recipients than enlighten them, according to several students. The message, signed by Dean of the College Paul Armstrong, Interim Vice President for Campus Life and Student Services David Greene, Senior Vice President for University Advancement Ronald Vanden Dorpel and Dining Services Administrative Dietician Bridget Visconti, had as its subject line “Recent Campus Incident/ Initiative.” “To be honest, I have no idea what that e-mail was about,” said Matt McNamara ’04. “After reading the first paragraph, I

thought we might have had another one of those ‘bias-related incidents,’ but then at the end it seemed like they were making a fundraising pitch,” McNamara said. The e-mail does appear to refer to an event that took place on campus within the past academic year. “Although no injuries occurred,” the administrators wrote, “students who feel they need counseling may attend walk-in hours at Career Services.” The message also refers to President Ruth Simmons’s longstanding Plan for Academic Enrichment, stating, “Like a muscle, the University must grow, or it will die.”

Bob Beddor ’07 said he thought the e-mail seemed unnecessary. “The weirdest part was when they reminded us that now is a perfect time to check the batteries in our smoke detectors,” he added. When contacted at his home late Sunday night, Greene told The Herald the e-mail was meant to reflect the administration’s “ongoing work” in improving campus diversity, understanding and fitness facilities. But Greene said he would have to re-read the e-mail before commenting further on its purpose. A link to the full text of the email can be found in today’s edition of Morning Mail.

MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 9

IN BRIEF

Roxie Tinkerbell / Herald

The best muffin ever.

Goldberger declares Blue Room treat “best muffin ever” BY ROXIE TINKERBELL

In a crushing blow to generations of Brown students, Director of Admission Michael Goldberger revealed in the Blue Room Friday that his hyperbolic praise is not reserved for undergraduates. After finishing a triple-berry muffin glazed with a checkerboard pattern, Goldberger sat back, wiped his lips with his napkin and said to a companion, “That was the best muffin ever.” Blue Room patrons fell silent as the enormity of Goldberger’s declaration became apparent. Goldberger is famous among undergraduates and alums for his annual “best class ever” speech, in which he lauds the incoming first-year class during orientation as the most accomplished in Brown’s history. “All year, I’ve been so proud to be part of the best Brown class ever,” said Kevin Sieff ’07. “But now that I know

Haskins continued from page 12 $500,000 and 15 more minutes of fame. “My only condition for participating in this match was that Richard Hatch would have to keep his clothes on at all times,” Haskins said. “My strategy will be to let Susan and Richard beat

(Goldberger) throws around superlatives so liberally, I’m not as confident about how good we are. This whole muffin thing has been really bad for my selfesteem.” Goldberger declined to comment, but a spokesperson from the Office of Admission said Goldberger does not plan to deviate from his “best class ever” speech in September to the Class of 2008. “I guess he just thinks they won’t have heard about what happened with the muffin,” Sieff said. “For his sake, I hope no one who is being accepted for next year has siblings or friends at Brown.” Psychological Services plans to offer extended walk-in hours to students distressed by Goldberger’s comment. Associate Director of Dining Services Virginia Dunleavy said she wasn’t incredibly surprised by Goldberger’s newest verbal accolade.

each other up and have The Rock run down to the ring and hit them with a chair if I get in any trouble.” Though Haskins still hopes for a career in sports journalism, she also plans on trying out for “Fear Factor” and “Average Joe 3” in the near future. Rick James ’04 is one of the best singers and best-looking mofos you’ve ever seen.

“The Blue Room consistently bakes high-quality pastries and light snack foods,” she told The Herald. “Honestly, I’m a bit surprised that (Goldberger) hasn’t said every muffin he’s ever eaten at the Blue Room is the best muffin ever.” Blue Room staffers said the muffin will be displayed in the Blue Room Gallery as soon as it becomes stale enough.

New ‘Table-slip Magazine’ to improve campus communication

CIS to release ‘Best of Morning Mail’ compilation

A new student-run publication, set to replace table-slips in campus dining halls, will make advertising events easier for student groups and University offices, according to its founders. “The new ‘Table-slip Magazine’ will feature tableslips stapled together in a convenient booklet, so at each table, only one student at a time will be able to read them,” said co-creator Mary Barick ’06. “We’re confident that by adding a middleman to the communications process, we can pass on the savings to student groups,” she added. The magazine will also improve upon table-slips by offering a full-page advertising option, Barick said. That is currently not possible for student groups who must abide by BuDS’ table-slip dimensions. Because the full-page ads will be the most visible, groups will be glad to spend more to compete for students’ attention, she said. A communication table will be set up in the dining halls for students who do not wish to advertise in the magazine, said Virginia Dunleavy, associate director of Dining Services.

Morning Mail, the daily e-mail featuring assorted announcements from University administrators, has proved such a success that Computing and Information Services will release a compilation of its most popular messages. The book, entitled “The Very Best of Morning Mail,” is scheduled to hit bookstores and Internet retailers in July, said Pamela Vogel, associate director of communication and documentation at CIS. The University is hoping to capitalize on the July Fourth shopping frenzy. Its selections, chosen by popular acclamation, will include an advertisement for Brown note-cards and several editions of “Off-Campus Housing Video Being Shown Today.” If the book sells well, sequels are in the works, Vogel said, including “The Joys of Morning Mail,”“Morning Mail for Dummies,”“Morning Mail for the Soul” and “Morning Mail: Ad Nauseam.” The release of the book was first announced in Sunday’s edition of Morning Mail. — Silver Waldenwood

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

EDITORIAL/LETTERS MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004 · PAGE 10 S T A F F

E D I T O R I A L

Peachy keen Springtime on College Hill often brings tension and crisis along with the chirping of sparrows and blooming of daffodils. But not this year. This year, everything’s great. Brown has been getting positive attention from the national media almost every day. Students of all classes, ethnicities and genders live and learn together in harmony — just walk onto the Main Green between classes and hear the Brown community singing “Kumbaya.” Faculty members are happy with their salaries and benefits, and professors are even leaving Harvard and Yale universities to take advantage of the supportive environment Brown offers its teachers. Seniors graduating in May all have jobs lined up, so with all their free time, they are spending their days offering praise to Career Development Center administrators for their invaluable assistance in job searches. Oh, and they have been volunteering a lot, as well. Everyone has. Just think of the countless underclassmen who devote their invaluable “flex points” to buying diapers for homeless infants. Right now, we just can’t imagine anywhere else we’d rather be. In past years, we dreamed of balmy Caribbean breezes, but with Providence’s blazing sun and lack of humidity, we’re content to get our Vitamin D by sunning ourselves in faculty parking lots. Indeed, who needs parking, anyway? Spring at Brown makes us remember that it’s the journey, not the destination — and what better journey to make than an exceptionally circuitous one, around the dumpsters, blocked alleys, dump trucks and forlorn veterans of Brown’s promising new Life Sciences construction site? Yes, this spring, we dance, figuratively, like the sugarplum fairies of yore in anticipation of the University’s delightful yet aggressive upcoming capital campaign. When it blooms (and oh! how it will!) we shall feast on its bounty in a renovated Sharpe Refectory, cherish the intimacy of its small seminars and sing the praises of President Ruth Simmons at this, the best of all possible Browns.

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD EDITORIAL Juliette Wallack, Editor-in-Chief Carla Blumenkranz, Executive Editor Philissa Cramer, Executive Editor Julia Zuckerman, Senior Editor Danielle Cerny, Arts & Culture Editor Meryl Rothstein, Arts & Culture Editor Zachary Barter, Campus Watch Editor Monique Meneses, Features Editor Sara Perkins, Metro Editor Dana Goldstein, RISD News Editor Alex Carnevale, Opinions Editor Ben Yaster, Opinions Editor Christopher Hatfield, Sports Editor PRODUCTION Lisa Mandle, Design Editor George Haws, Copy Desk Chief Eddie Ahn, Graphics Editor Judy He, Photo Editor Nick Neely, Photo Editor

BUSINESS John Carrere, General Manager Lawrence Hester, General Manager Anastasia Ali, Executive Manager Zoe Ripple, Executive Manager Elias Vale Roman, Senior Project Manager In Young Park, Project Manager Peter Schermerhorn, Project Manager Laird Bennion, Project Manager Bill Louis, Senior Financial Officer Laurie-Ann Paliotti, Sr. Advertising Rep. Elyse Major, Advertising Rep. Kate Sparaco, Office Manager POST- MAGAZINE Ellen Wernecke, Editor-in-Chief Jason Ng, Executive Editor Micah Salkind, Executive Editor Abigail Newman, Theater Editor Josh Cohen, Design Editor Allison Lombardo, Features Editor Jeremy Beck, Film Editor Jessica Weisberg, Film Editor Ray Sylvester, Music Editor

Jayson Blair, Night Editor Stephen Glass, Jack Kelley, Copy Editors

Staff Writers Marshall Agnew, Kathy Babcock, Zaneta Balantac, Elise Baran, Alexandra Barsk, Zachary Barter, Hannah Bascom, Danielle Cerny, Robbie Corey-Boulet, Lexi Costello, Ian Cropp, Sam Culver, Stewart Dearing, Gabriella Doob, Jonathan Ellis, Justin Elliott, Amy Hall Goins, Dana Goldstein, Bernard Gordon, Kate Gorman, Aron Gyuris, Krista Hachey, Chris Hatfield, Jonathan Herman, Miles Hovis, Masha Kirasirova, Robby Klaber, Kate Klonick, Alexis Kunsak, Sarah LaBrie, Kira Lesley, Matt Lieber, Allison Lombardo, Chris Mahr, Lisa Mandle, Craig McGowan, Jonathan Meachin, Luke Meier, Monique Meneses, Kavita Mishra, Sara Perkins, Melissa Perlman, Eric Perlmutter, Sheela Raman, Meryl Rothstein, Michael Ruderman, Marco Santini, Jen Sopchockchai, Lela Spielberg, Stefan Talman, Joshua Troy, Jessica Weisberg, Brooke Wolfe, Melanie Wolfgang, Brett Zarda Accounts Managers Daniel Goldberg, Mark Goldberg, Victor Griffin, Matt Kozar, Natalie Ho, Ian Halvorsen, Sarena Snider Pagination Staff Peter Henderson, Alex Palmer, Michael Ruderman Photo Staff Gabriella Doob, Benjamin Goddard, Marissa Hauptman, Jonathan Herman, Miyako Igari, Allison Lombardo, Elizabeth MacLennan, Michael Neff, Alex Palmer, Yun Shou Tee, Sorleen Trevino Copy Editors Stephanie Clark, Katie Lamm, Jennifer Resch, Asad Reyaz, Amy Ruddle, Brian Schmalzbach, Melanie Wolfgang

SHANE WILKERSON

LETTERS accept everything I read or hear. How was I to A real letter we received lyknow when I read The Herald on April 2, 2002, that the FBI had not actually arrested dozens of campus less than a month ago activists in a violent nighttime raid, or that the day’s To the Editor: I read an article called “Simmons breaks ankle in MTV mishap; University crippled” (April 1, 2003) printed in the campus newspaper. If true, am I the only one who thinks that this type of behavor in a college president is shocking? Is this what Americans want in their university presidents and leaders? What was she thinking? Where is Ms. Simmons dignity and self-control? Is this the example she wants to set for her students? Drinking to the point that you black out and can’t remember how you broke your leg is not a quality one wants in a university president. This is the same woman who wants to open old prejudices by launching a study on the feasibilty of reparations for slavery in America. I can assure you that Brown University is not where my children will be attending college. James Martin March 13

A fake letter we concocted To the Editor: Brown students are notorious lovers of freedom, but The Herald sometimes goes too far in the name of this questionable principle. I write to express my sincere hope that The Herald does not make the insensitive and misguided decision to publish an issue of falsehoods on a date other than April 1. Much to my chagrin, April Fool’s Day has become widely accepted as a day for pranks and practical jokes, and I have learned to consider skeptically any information imparted to me that day. But the other 364 days of the year — indeed, on the other 365 days of this leap year — I unquestioning-

weather would not really involve a giant cat? On April 1, I would have properly identified that information as false and/or humorous. On April 2, I was left frantically phoning FBI headquarters in Virginia in an attempt to secure the release of my fellow Brunonians. Please, Herald editors, spare me the agonizing days and sleepless nights spent wondering when feral cats would begin to fall from the heavens. Confine your attempts at humor to April 1. Clyde Huckabee ’14 April 1

Another, scarier real letter To the Editor: I would like to report a business that has not been taking care of the customer, in fact taking my money and never giving me the product or refunding my money. This is Jeeps Unlimited in Providence. Unfortunately I am located in Idaho and cannot just go down and have a face-to-face meeting with this business. I have been contacting them by phone for three months, and now they have not even been answering the phone. I have been told that my check was in the mail at least four times but never showed up. I have recieved nothing but bad service, and now I cannot even get the $275 I paid them back since they did not deliver the product. So I guess I am asking for your help. Please let as many people know what type of business they are running there and to protect themselves from companies such as these. I can only hope that no one else will let companies like this take advantage of them and steal their money. Name withheld by request Feb. 6

DISCLAIMER The news, opinions and editorials contained in today’s issue of The Brown Daily Herald are utterly and completely false. CORRECTIONS POLICY The Brown Daily Herald is committed to providing the Brown University community with the most accurate information possible. Corrections may be submitted up to seven calendar days after publication. COMMENTARY POLICY The staff editorial is the majority opinion of the editorial board of The Brown Daily Herald. The editorial viewpoint does not necessarily reflect the views of The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. Columns, letters and comics reflect the opinions of their authors only. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR POLICY Send letters to letters@browndailyherald.com. Include a telephone number with all letters. The Herald reserves the right to edit all letters for length and cannot assure the publication of any letter. Please limit letters to 250 words. Under special circumstances writers may request anonymity, but no letter will be printed if the author’s identity is unknown to the editors. Announcements of events will not be printed. ADVERTISING POLICY The Brown Daily Herald, Inc. reserves the right to accept or decline any advertisement at its discretion.

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

OPINIONS MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2004 · PAGE 11

THOMAS L. FRIEDMAN

Weekend in Bahrain BATHTUB — This past Tuesday, I spent a coke-filled weekend with the Crown Prince of Bahrain. Sitting in a urine-filled froth quite literally of our own making, I realized that peace may be closer than we think. After the Crown Prince refilled my champagne glass, I spit it in his face. “This is André, not Cristal, you lowlife!” I raised my hands to hit him. He covered up, though I still managed to lacerate the boils on his face. “Jackpot,” I whispered to myself. Through the violence, I had seen clear to the point of this column. As the Crown Prince’s aides quickly came to his rescue, dragging me off to Bahrain’s finest prison, I realized that what the Crown Prince had been serving me actually was Cristal. But in the Arab world, their Cristal tastes like our André. While using a small Bahraini child as a footrest, I wrote the first bit of this column. As his little back buckled under the weight of my $900 shoes, I realized I had about 500 words to go for my payday. “Hey kid,” I said. “Does your mother work in IT? Because that would really be gold right now.” He just grunted. “That’s why you’re not benefiting from globalization, little man," I told him. “Lexus and the Olive Tree. Check it out. $14.95.” I was sick and tired of writing plans for how to solve the IsraeliPalestinian conflict. Indeed, I wasn’t just sick and tired. I was coked out and on the brink of a minor heart attack. I either needed medical attention or more cocaine — the good stuff this time. That’s when I took advantage of one of the benefits of being the foreign affairs columnist of the New York Times. I simply called up my dealer — in this case Gerald Boyd trying to pick up a little extra kizzle — and eight hours later I was sitting in New Delhi, trying to get next week’s column out of a crack whore named Sandeep. “Are you William Safire?” Sandeep said, in a low voice that suggested she was a he. For a second I thought I was giving a speech at an Ivy League university. “No,” I said. “I’m the columnist who pretends to be on the side of the Palestinians.” We both got a good chuckle out of that, let me

Solving the IsraeliPalestinian conflict in five spectacular acts. tell you. Back in New York, a few days later, I thought deeply about what anecdote to concoct about Sandeep. Was he representative of globalization’s reach, or Bush’s inability to reach out to Muslims? Was he even a Muslim? I think that’s what they are in India. In my big New York office, with Bob Herbert cleaning my windows, I was finally able to concentrate on my plan for the Mideast. It would be a great plan, with lots of screaming Muslims and some Jews to write the whole thing. I call it “The Semites.” Here’s the outline I sold to P. Diddy for $100 million and a six-year-old named DeShawn: Act One: Enter Sandeep, dressed in Gap jeans and a Polo tee. He sings a song about globalization and Manolo Blahniks and calls Sarah Jessica Parker onstage. Standing ovation. Act Two: Bono gives a monologue about his vagina, played by Jason Alexander. He then plays “Beautiful Day,” except the word “Beautiful” is replaced by the word “Palestinian,” and the word “Day” is replaced by the word “state.” Standing ovation. Act Three: Prime Minister Ariel Sharon (Zero Mostel if available, otherwise Jason Alexander) eats a little girl named Delia. He chokes on her shoe and dies. The strains of a violin. And then: darkness. The hooded suicide bomber moves through the audience, until he is stabbed to death. Standing ovation. Intermission: pictures of me, $50; pictures of me naked, $30. Act Four: The Israeli national anthem. Then the Palestinian national anthem, to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “Things Have Changed.” Dylan himself mumbles the last verse, then dies. Act Five: Israelis and Palestinians flood the stage. All of them, or in lieu of that, 100,000 each. (If Israelis and Palestinians are not available, substitute Chechens and Russians at will.) They all build a new temple mount to fight over. Standing ovation, calls of “Tommy!” Tommy John surgery renamed Tommy Friedman surgery after yours truly. Cast party in Jerusalem, on me. Thomas L. Friedman is the foreign affairs columnist for the New York Times.

George W. speaks to 9/11 commission GUEST COLUMN BY PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH

WASHINGTON — The following is the full transcript of the hearing by the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States: SPEAKERS: THOMAS KEAN, COMMISSION CHAIRMAN; PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH; VICE PRESIDENT RICHARD CHENEY KEAN: Thank you, President Bush, for sitting down with here today to share your thoughts on how your administration handled the attacks on the 11th of September, 2001. BUSH: Great to be here. Great to see everybody here. Y’all know this is Final Four weekend? Never mind. KEAN: My first question, Mr. President. What were you doing the morning of the attacks? BUSH: Great question. KEAN: I was looking for an answer.

Exactly what I told Washington, and e-mailed the kids in AEPi. BUSH: Right on. That was a pause. KEAN: And this? BUSH: This is a stall. What was I doing? What

was any American doing on the morning of Sept. 11? I was at my ranch in Crawford, Texas, eating a huge ham sandwich, drinking a Jagermeister, bouncing coasters off Colin Powell’s huge noggin. KEAN: Had you a good night’s sleep the night before? BUSH (to Cheney): Relevance? CHENEY: Mr. Kean is implying that if you had been troubled by the terrorist threat, you might not have had a good night’s sleep. KEAN: That’s not at all what I was implying. BUSH: Let me make something clear. KEAN: Go ahead. BUSH: Go ahead with... KEAN: Making something clear. BUSH: Right. Let me make this clear. You’re either with us, or with the terrorists. And if you’re accusing my wife of being a terrorist, you are a liar. A damned liar! KEAN: So you had intercourse with your wife. BUSH (to Cheney): Intercourse, huh? Does that imply consent? KEAN: Thank you for your candor, but we can move on. Mr. President, did you have any foreknowledge of the attacks on the 11th of September, 2001? BUSH: Foreknowledge, as in did I know I would become a war president, capable of parachuting down in front of troops and making speeches at the slightest hint of a political opportunity? CHENEY: No, he didn’t know anything. George W. Bush is studying abroad in Crawford, Texas, this semester.

The reddish menace GUEST COLUMN BY NATE GORALNIK AS TOLD TO ELI SWINEY

I grew up believing that all you needed to succeed in this world was talent, gumption, a love of good, old-fashioned freedom and a dynamite idea. It turns out, though, that I was wrong. When it comes to Brown University, these ideals are long gone. And thanks to who? It’s a culprit we all know too well — a culprit named socialism. Sure, everyone’s heard of socialism, the vile political philosophy subscribed to by Stalin, Hitler, Ayn Rand, several significant chapters of al-Qaeda and the murderous cowboy Billy the Kid. But too many of us live with the dangerous fiction that this threat to human goodness is all but dormant in modern America. O, if this were true! The strong, resilient lady we call Freedom would certainly sleep more easily at night if it were. The reality, however, is that socialists stalk us everywhere — in our homes, in our schools, in our office places, on our streets and sidewalks and in the very corridors of our government. Recently, I have discovered that the reddish menace has even infiltrated one of our most hallowed institutions and is abusing its power to sabotage any and all viewpoints that dissent against socialism’s dream of non-stop subjugation, murder and atheistic slavery. Let me cut to the chase: I have, in my hands, a list of 71 known socialists working on or with the Brown Daily Herald comics page. These liars and assassins wish to use their comics-page power to further the international socialist agenda and destroy those of us who believe in freedom, fair play and fun — three concepts that make any good socialist’s blood boil in rage. Take, for example, this recent Brown Daily Jolt post by a conveniently “anonymous” user: “What’s the deal with ‘My Best Effort’ this year? It’s not like it was ever that funny, but now it looks like it’s being drawn by a partially blind eleven-year-old with a broken hand. Without the decent artwork, the sheer unfunniness of the jokes and the authors’ obvious sexual insecurity shine through even more clearly.” Have the fingerprints of Marx ever been smeared more obviously across a piece of slander?

The user might have though that he could hide behind the anonymity of the Internet. Why not? Was it not the Internet that allowed thousands of socialists to rally behind socialist presidential candidate Howard Dean? Is it not the Internet that allows countless more socialists to plan and arrange their felonious anti-Iraqi-Freedom protests? To the Pol Pots and Mao Zedongs and John Wayne Gacys of the world, the Internet is an indispensable tool for the furtherance of their socialist schemes. What these socialists didn’t count on was one Nate Goralnik, “My Best Effort” artist and cybernetic warrior for freedom. Included with my list is an attachment labeled Appendix A which proves that the offending Daily Jolt poster was almost certainly a socialist agent. And it doesn’t stop there. Appendix B proves that the girls in my Monday seminar whom I overheard giggling over how “pathetic” “My Best Effort” is and how its authors are obviously “overcompensating for something” are themselves also clearly socialists. Appendices C through M deal with people from my first-year unit who mocked, rejected or ignored me. Unsurprisingly, they have all turned out to be socialists. I look eagerly forward to the day when my list can be published. Obviously, to reveal its contents now would be a suicidal tipping of freedom’s hand in the face of the socialist threat. I assure you that the list is entirely authentic, and I will reveal the identities of the known socialists as soon as I am appointed chairman of my proposed Brown Daily Herald Committee on Sequentially-Drawn UnAmerican Activities. The committee will oversee the final, perfect effort to remove the socialist influence from the comics page and create a more proper forum for the display of appropriate antisocialist comics. Only then will the comics-reading public be safe from the likes of Lenin, Mussolini, Andrea Yates and other prominent socialist scholars. Nate Goralnik ’06 replaced Andy Hull ’03 as the primary artist of the widely glanced-at comic “My Best Effort.” He is now the lackey of Eli Swiney ’04.

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

SPORTS MONDAY APRIL 5, 2004 · PAGE 12

Men’s ice hockey pro exodus continues as “Ice Wizard,” student manager NHL-bound BY TOR COOLGUY

Peter Parker

The women’s stationary cycling team defeated Cornell University and the University of Pennsylvania at a meet at the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center Saturday afternoon.The team improved its record to 10-3 overall, 6-0 Ivy League.

Haskins ’04.5 doesn’t get “Dream Job,” searches for new calling on reality TV BY RICK JAMES

Maggie Haskins ’04.5 didn’t win a sportscaster’s contract on the March 28 finale of ESPN’s contest “Dream Job,” but her experience on the show is leading her to new heights of reality television stardom. Haskins finished tied for third place in the contest. Her off-screen love interest, Mike Hall, walked away the winner, signing a one-year, $95,000 contract with ESPN. With a portion of the money, Hall promised to buy Haskins another trip to a salon for blonde highlights. Despite the setback, Haskins hopes to continue pursuing her dream by aligning herself with other failed reality TV contestants. First up, Haskins and “American Idol” reject William Hung are releasing a hip-hop remix CD on the Bad Boy label. Haskins and Hung, known as H Squared, will sing duets of some of Bad Boy’s greatest hits, including “Big Poppa,” “Hypnotize” and “All About the Benjamins.” The disc will also feature a rendition of Hung’s breakout hit, “She Bangs.” The first single to hit the airwaves, “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” will include Lil’ Jon and “Dream Job” contestant Zachariah Selwyn singing backup. “This album will be the hottest disc to drop since Ma$e put out his third gospel album,” said Sean “P. Diddy” Combs. “I am kicking Da Band out and moving H Squared into my New York apartment.” Following the release of her CD, Haskins will be guest-starring on “Trading Spaces” with Omarosa from “The Apprentice.” While the show’s two couples are busy working on home improvements, Haskins and Omarosa will engage in a rapid-fire debate about pressing issues. The list of topics include the aftereffects of being hit on the head by a falling piece of concrete, acceptable uses of the F-word, whether Tony Kornheiser is a good sugar daddy and at what point using Cialis actually becomes dangerous. Moderating the discussion will be “Dream Job” runner-up Aaron Levine, who promised to stop smiling for at least

five minutes of the hour-long show. During the television sweeps period, Haskins will jump over to CBS for a threeway wrestling match with Richard Hatch and Susan Hawk of “Survivor” fame. Adhering to the “Survivor” theme, the match will take place on an island just off the coast of Panama in a ring filled with goat’s blood and pig intestines and will be refereed by “Survivor” host Jeff Probst. The winner will receive a check for see HASKINS, page 9

Star players aren’t the only members of the men’s hockey team departing for the pros. Just this weekend, student manager Sean Peden ’04 was hired by the Boston Bruins to be the team’s equipment manager, and Zamboni driver Hermano Fortes signed with the New Jersey Devils. “It’s really an honor to be recognized for four years of commitment to excellence,” said Peden. “It’s nice to have someone realize you don’t just hand these guys new sticks if they break the one they’re using. There’s a lot of hard work that goes into this.” Peden said he is not sure what his duties will be during the Bruins’ playoff run. If Peden impresses the Bruins with his equipment management, he said he will be re-signed to a long-term deal. “My goal is a long-term contract,” Peden said. “My agent and I agree that my priority should be getting a secure deal. Injuries are a definite chance in my line of work — I mean, look at what happened to Willis McGahee. I can’t risk that happening to me without securing my financial future first. At some point, I’m going to have kids to feed.” Peden is not the only behind-thescenes player for the Bears going pro. Hermano “Ice Wizard” Fortes was hired by the Devils on Sunday to drive their Zamboni for the next five years. Monetary terms of the deal were not disclosed. “Hermano brings more energy to driving the Zamboni than anyone else in our system,” said Devils General Manager Lou Lamoriello. “We’ve had serious problems with our fans becoming bored during intermissions, and with the opportunity to wave to Hermano and cheer for him as he drives by, I’m sure we won’t have that problem again.” Lamoriello also attributed much of the Bears’ success to Fortes’ top-notch Zamboni skills. “There’s no doubt that his superior ice-

5-year-old phenom next great hope for m. basketball The men’s basketball team didn’t reach the NCAA Tournament this year, but hopes are high for future decades with the announcement last week that 5-yearold prodigy Sean Barnes, of Ozello, Fla., has committed to enter Brown’s Class of 2020. Barnes first attracted national attention when he led his peewee basketball team to an undefeated season last year, regularly scoring more than 100 points per game. This year, another outstanding season had scouts from top university basketball programs aggressively courting Barnes. At a meeting with Head Coach Glen Miller Friday afternoon, the 3’3” kindergartener sported a tiny Brown jersey and demonstrated his killer 3-point shot. Miller said he thinks the addition of Barnes to the Brown squad bodes well for the Bears’ chances to win the NCAA championship in 2017. “We’re very happy that Sean has made the commitment to Brown,” Miller said. “With his energy and raw talent, this little guy has the potential to make a big contribution to our team.” Asked about his decision to commit to Brown rather than perennial powerhouses Syracuse University, the University of Kansas or Stanford University, Barnes replied, “I like cookies.” — Matilda Greenwich

“Hermano brings more energy to driving the Zamboni than anyone else in our system,” said Devils GM Lou Lamoriello. making contributed to the rebirth of that hockey program,” Lamoriello said. “I know their goalie was pretty good, but it’s Hermano who should be in the final three for the Hobey Baker, as far as I’m concerned.” While happy for two more Bears moving on to the pros, Director of Athletics David Roach said he is concerned about the prospect of replacing these two major players in Brown men’s ice hockey’s success. “We knew it would be tough to replace Sean, but at least we knew he would be leaving,” said Roach. “Hermano’s sudden departure puts us in a difficult situation. Who’s going to make the ice? Huh? I know I can’t work that damn thing. Do you know how to drive a Zamboni? No really, do you? I’ll hire you right now.” Roach could not be reached for further comment after the call was disconnected. While a strong incoming first-year class will help the team recover from its on-ice losses, it remains to be seen how Peden and Fortes will be replaced. Roach said there will be an open tryout for both positions in the coming weeks. “Filling these spots is a priority for the Brown athletic department. Everything else has been shifted to the back burner. We’ll cut sports to pay for salaries if we have to,” Roach said. Tor Coolguy is a professor emeritus of doombringing. He can be reached at tcoolguy@browndailyherald.com.