Brebeuf Jesuit Arrow - Volume 52 - Issue 6

Arrow graphic by John Loberger ’15

2801 W. 86th Street, Indianapolis

Friday, February 14th, 2014

Photo credit: mycutegraphics.com

Brebeuf jesuit preparatory school

Volume 52, Issue 6

Teacher spotlight

Photo provided by Mrs. Money-Brady

Photo provided by Mrs. Money-Brady

Money+Brady: Brebeuf’s high school sweethearts

The Brebeuf couple on their wedding day

The couple today with their daughter, Katy

By Ailanne Staruszkiewicz ‘15 Staff Writer

S

he was president of her class, a horseback rider, a runner freshman year, a baseball manager, and did well in school. He was a baseball and football manager, performed in several plays, was involved in clubs, and as he informed this Arrow reporter, “I always thought I was an intramural basketball star, but Mr. Haynes never agreed.” As many already know, Mr. Brady and Mrs. Money-Brady are graduates of Brebeuf and also married, but their journey to the altar is probably less well known.

Mrs. Money-Brady, one of Brebeuf ’s three academic counselors, and Mr. Brady, Science Department Chair and AP teacher, came back to the halls of Brebeuf in 2008. A glimpse of the two today would make one think it was love at first sight, but in a recent interview, they shared that it was just the opposite.

It was the spring of their freshman year and they were busy doing their routine rounds as baseball managers. Mr. Brady began the story by saying, “I was driving out to the field and a couple of the other freshman managers [the future Mrs. Money-Brady and her friend] wanted a ride, so I said, “Hop on the back!”

Trying to hold back too much laughter, Brady continued: “I then went really fast, because I was a jerk freshman, took a turn and Jen went falling off the golf cart.”

Jennifer Money’s bad fortunes did not stop

there, however. She rolled down a little hill to the ditch that’s between the baseball field and the path, landing in mud, and staining her jeans. To top it all off, Mr. Brady added, “I then laughed at her, and drove off.”

Although this story gives them a good laugh today, at the time, Mrs. MoneyBrady was far from amused. Thinking back on the humiliating event, she commented, “I was done after that, and we didn’t talk to each other until Junior Retreat.”

Some students hold reservations towards going on Junior Retreat, but if Mrs. Money-Brady had decided not to go, she might not be Mrs. Money-Brady today. After the rough encounter freshman year, they found themselves in the same small group and she saw a side of Brady that she had never seen before.

She shared in their recent interview: “We were sitting outside and I had a heart crystal pendent, and it fell off in the grass where we were meeting and John spent another 2 hours looking for it in the grass and he actually found it during the break.” It was at the Jesuit Spiritual Retreat Center in Milford, Ohio that the two started a friendship that would change their lives forever.

Following Junior Retreat their friendship only became stronger and it was during their summer before senior year that they began to date. Mrs. Money-Brady explained that she was grounded and John

needed a summer job. Part of her grounding included painting fences on her mom’s horse farm, so her mom hired him.

In the heat of the summer, they painted fences for 40 hours a week for 8 weeks. Reminiscing on the summer, she said, “We became really good friends during that time, and that was the only person my mom let me see, so whether or not that was orchestrated, it was well planned!”

The couple’s relationship proved to be much more than a summer fling or the stereotypical short-lived high school relationship. Senior year came to an end and she was headed to Butler University, and he traveled about 12 hours to Northland College in Wisconsin. But they weren’t going to end things just because of the distance.

They mentioned in the interview that they told themselves in high school, “If we break up, it’s over. There is only going to be one break up. We aren’t going to go back and forth.” They continued, “We’d seen friends do that, so we just made a commitment to stay together.”

On a hot summer’s day, July 10, 2004, John proposed to Jen. In their interview he said, “I took her to a picnic at the IMA and I had this spot picked out in my mind, but the spot didn’t exist. It was a figment of my imagination.” They hiked to the place he planned to have the picnic: “I’d carved a jewelry box, put the ring in that, and

that’s how I proposed.”

Three and a half years had passed since leaving for college and their relationship was still going strong. Mrs. MoneyBrady graduated a semester early, and the two tied the knot 20 days later-December 30, 2005. “We had just been apart for so long, we didn’t want to be apart anymore!”

Today, they are the proud parents of a two and half year old daughter, Katy, and couldn’t be happier. Mrs. Money-Brady couldn’t hold back from smiling as she shared, “We had both talked about coming back in our 50s, when we were near retirement. We had never dreamed we would be here right now. It was kind of a dream come true for us!”

When asked about any advice for current Brebeuf couples or high school couples in general, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation. Mrs. Money-Brady jumped right in and began with, “For me, it’s Arrupe’s poem that comes to mind: Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything, because it has kind of decided everything without us really trying to. We didn’t force it and I think that’s key.”

Mr. Brady then added, “At the end of the day, supporting each other is the most important thing… if you can say, ‘I feel supported by this person, it’s a good thing.’”

Valentine’s Day poll the v-day votes are in

By Ann Hourigan ‘15 Staff Writer

T

o find out Braves’ feelings about Valentine’s Day, the Brebeuf Arrow has taken a poll of 30 students. The results showed a variety of answers and no clear trends, but it was apparent that people take the celebration of this holiday seriously.

Among a variety of questions, one significant topic was Hollywood’s favorite couple. Some of the most creative answers proved to be Disney movie characters such as Mr. and Mrs. Fredricksen from the movie Up, noted by Junior Ryan Delaney. In contrast, Sophomore Regan Wagner chose reallife same-sex couple Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi. These two pairs, loved by many, were just a few examples of creative answers, but the most popular answer was the marriage of Beyonce and Jay Z.

Date ideas proved note-worthy in the Valentine’s Day poll, with many unusually brilliant and detailed answers submitted.

Freshman Colby Koch stated that a dream date for him would include a carriage ride under the moon after a nice dinner, while Junior Prince Nortey stated that his dream would be a Times Square slideshow for his special lady to win her heart.

The last of the free responses in the poll included a favorite love song. The most beloved song of many was “Best Love Song” by T-Pain, and its title held true in the poll.

What gift do you Do you celebrate Would you eat want from your Valentine’s Day? salad or steak Valentine? on a Valentine’s Yes 22 date?

Chocolates 17 No 3

Flowers

12

Sort of

2

Which member of One Direction would you like to be your Valentine?

Harry Styles Niall Horan Louis Tomlinson Liam Payne Zayn Malik All of the Above None

6 5 0 1 4 8 5

Salad Steak Neither

2 22 5

Valentine’s Day 2

Wednesday, February 14th

The Arrow Staff

Editor-In-Chief Isak McCune ‘14

Design Editor Sarah Spence ‘14

Section Editors Opinion -- Sierra Witham ‘14 A&E -- Will Siderys ‘14 Features -- Kristen Henderson ‘14 News -- Maddie Morelock ‘14

Staff Writers Eddie Free ‘14 Gabby Phail ‘14 Alianne Staruszkiewicz ‘15 Ann Hourigan ‘15 William Beckman ‘16 Katherine Spence ‘16 Thomas Zelamanovitz ‘15

Advisor

Michael Armbruster

President

Father Jack Dennis

Mission As a student-written and student-edited high school newspaper, The Arrow strives to inform its readers thoroughly of the events and issues relevant to the students, staff, and community. Opinions in The Arrow are not necessarily shared by the BJPS staff, faculty, administration, or community.

Letters to the Editor

The Arrow encourages readers to share comments, suggestions, or complaints by submitting letters to the editor. Editors reserve the right to edit letters for clarification or for space limitations. Libelous or profane letters will not be published.

Email us at arrow@brebeuf.org

The trouble with high school relationships

By Isak Andrew McCune ‘14 Editor-in-Chief

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n a day dedicated to romantic love, I thought it would be appropriate to address the topic in a high school context. No matter your sexuality or relationship status, it is important to understand the hindrances and problems with high school relationships. In my opinion, the parameters of the relationship are quite difficult, and can often make the relationship pointless.

Firstly, for younger students, the issue of transportation is presented. If one can’t drive and lives outside walking distance from, she’s forced to rely on her parents for car rides to and from the house of her romantic interest.

Furthermore, the most depressing restriction to a high school relationship manifests through a conflict in college decisions. If your love interest wants to go to a different university, there’s nothing you can do: he is entirely entitled to that decision and it spells certain doom for your relationship.

This problem is compounded if your darling is in a different grade; the younger will feel left out while the older will feel guilty. These reasons provide very little hope for high school students celebrating V-day with their significant other.

Additionally, what happens if the couple finally does reach college and decides to stay together? Certainly there exist such, “High School Sweetheart” marriages, and I concede it is a wonderful thing to be so at-

tached to another, but to hold yourself back from the diverse relationships presented during college is certainly an exclusive and narrow way of experiencing love.

Finally, it’s worth mentioning the restrictions presented by the subject of intimacy. As high schoolers, an involved relationship must be arranged furtively; the locale must be reconnoitered and planned; the rendezvous must be short and contained in the interstices of a fleeting childhood. And when you’re there alone with your significant other, out comes the uninvited third-party: the scolding and disappointed eyes of the superego. All of your desire disintegrates to guilt, and where’s the love in that?

Ultimately, while I suppose the intention and experience of having a close high school relationship is fantastic - and as someone who has had multiple relationships in high school, I can attest that, with enough effort, they can be quite enriching – I would not recommend getting too involved. The pain that it can induce is far greater than the potential wisdom one can gain out of the experience. So unless your masochistic longing for wisdom is great enough, you really ought not get too attached.

To those of you who are in loving and beautiful high school relationships, good luck, and don’t forget to tell me how wrong you think I am.

Are you single this Valentine’s Day? be doing the exact same thing.

try these expert tips

By Sarah Spence ‘14 Design Editor

V

alentine’s Day: a day dedicated to spending time with the person you love or, at the very least, like enough to buy chocolates. To everyone else, that is to say everyone who is single, Valentine’s Day is just like any other day except for the constant reminder of your nonexistent relationship. I have been blessed with a stressfree love-life for my lovely 18 years on this Earth, but I do realize that some of you may not be so lucky and are therefore hopelessly dwelling on your lack of relationship. Have no fear for I bring with me many, many, many years of experience spending Valentine’s Day single and have some advice and activities for you.

The first step towards happiness is acceptance, and constantly thinking about how “lonely” and “single” you are is only going to make your day worse. Now that you’ve accepted being single, it’s time to mingle; mingle with your couch and your television.

Pop some popcorn or dig into the Ben and Jerry’s without shame. Don’t pretend that you’re only going to eat a few scoops either; we both know you’re lying, and trust me, I have no room to judge. Devour that Chunky Monkey without worry and know that millions of other singles around the world will

As for the television aspect, I strongly oppose watching romance movies if you’re single, as it will only make you yearn for the romantic relationship you currently lack. Try some History Channel shows like “Appalachian Outlaws” or “Pawn Stars.” There’s no better way to distract from your loneliness than watching old people try to sell other old people paper and guns.

Now that you’ve gorged yourself on ice cream and T.V. the real fun can start.

Since you’re single on Valentine’s Day you can play to your single strengths. One activity that could be a fun experiment is not an original one on my part, but an idea that could be interesting nonetheless. The idea is this: go to a sit-down restaurant (Applebee’s or Red Lobster) and make it clear that you are waiting on a date.

When the waiter approaches you, be adamant about the upcoming arrival of your significant other. After a while, perhaps make a fake phone call or pretend to send some hopeful yet concerned text messages making it apparent that your date is a no show. Finally, consent to order your meal and eat with a tearful look in your eyes. The goal of this is to make the staff feel so bad for you that they either give you the meal for free or offer you a free dessert. (I have a feeling this would work better if you are a girl).

I have never tried such a tactic myself, but if you are inclined to do so, let me know how it

A lonely, single person in her natural habitat.

Photo credit: Sarah Spence

pans out.

Okay, as the day stands you have accepted your single-ness, binged on Ben and Jerry’s, marathoned some pawnshoprelated shows, and gained a free meal from a restaurant. Now it’s time to kick it up a notch. That’s right, I’m talking about making spur of the moment purchases that are influenced by your emotional state. Shoes, chocolates, or DVD box sets of classic movie trilogies and their bonus features make great gifts to yourself on the day of love. If you’re feeling particularly lonely, try buying something that will be obligated to love you like hamsters or bearded dragons. Whatever you buy, just remember that it won’t replace the gaping hole that can only be filled with the one person you love.

Have a delightful Valentine’s Day.

Platonic love

By Katherine Spence ‘16 Staff Writer

W

hen you think about Valentine’s Day you usually think about chocolates, flowers, and the one crucial part of this day: your significant other. You’ll probably expect said significant other to buy cards, flowers, and chocolates for you, maybe even take you on a date.

I think people stress too much about the romantic part of Valentine’s Day. They have expectations about what to get someone and what they’ll be getting. This stress disconnects us from the true meaning behind the holiday, which is love. Now I’m not talking about romantic love. While romantic love plays a big role in the celebration of this day, I’d rather not focus my attention on this hyped part of the holiday. I’m talking about loving your parents, sibling love, and platonic love.

Love for your parents should be shown all of the time, but on Valentine’s Day it’s socially acceptable to hug your parents is public, so you should probably do it. Go ahead. Wrap your arms around your parents and squeeze. It’s really not that hard. Show your parents you’re grateful that they send you to a private school by making them a homemade card, or possibly a poem describing your love for them. It really is the thought that counts, so they will just be grateful that your lazy-self even tried for them.

Love for your siblings might be impossible to show on other days of the year, but you should make an exception on Valentine’s Day. On this day, maybe you shouldn’t bicker with your sister about whose turn it is to do the dishes. Maybe you should accept the fact that no matter where you go your brother always seems to embarrass you. Instead, do the dishes for your sister, since you know she is super busy with school, and maybe join your brother in juggling the fruit in the produce section. Who knows, you might enjoy it.

The platonic part of Valentine’s Day is, in my opinion, the best part of the holiday because this part allows you to show your friends just how much you love them without it being weird. Bake your friend a cake with a message saying, “Thanks for putting up with my incoherent rants about a TV show you don’t even watch” or something of that nature. While that phrase may be a bit lengthy to fit on a cake, friends will love the fact that you brought them food and probably just ignore the message written on it and just go ahead and eat it. You could also buy them platonic candy hearts with sayings like “Be mine, as a friend,” “Call me, to discuss the math homework,” and “ur cute, but in a totally friendship kind of way.”

Don’t be afraid to show your love for everyone on this oh-so-special of days.

Don’t think you need that someone special just to celebrate. Love your friends, and love your family. It’s as simple as that. Show them you don’t actually take them for granted and that you appreciate all that they do for you.

the lonely, anti-cat lady read this article, or the cat dies

By Sierra Witham ‘14 Opinion Editor

A

couple weeks ago, I was leaving Whole Foods after purchasing some much-craved Rudi’s Gluten Free Millet Chia bread when I overheard my forty-something cashier turn to her coworker and say, “You know, if I ever get married...”

My subconscious kicked in and I turned away, worried that I was seeing my future: unmarried in the thirteenth most populated city in the teasingly named United States, feigning contentment to customers who are often less concerned with their health than they are with their image.

Seventeen-year-olds who struggle with anuptaphobia often find relief by befriending cats. Their strategy makes sense to me; it’s hard to feel lonely while cuddling with a warm furball.

I’m just not cut out to be a cat lady.

For starters, I’ve been disgusted by feline mammaries since I was eight. Like, do their nipples have to be so...oblong?

Furthermore, I’m convinced my last cat was possessed.

Smokey was a fat Russian Blue. Her stomach barely hovered over the ground when she swaggered around the house.

She was eccentric, which, from what I’ve gathered, is sort of the appeal of cats. You want a creature that does its own thing and is generally indifferent to your existence. (Reason one of why I prefer dogs: if I’m going to replace the guy I would be seeing with an animal, that animal needs to fulfill the role I would expect my boyfriend to play: a helpless thing that depends entirely

on me.)

But Smokey was eccentric in the please-stop-being-you sense. I would wake up in the middle of the night with her head inches from mine, her unblinking eyes fixed on my face, her cool breath tingling my nostrils. It was a tad disconcerting.

She made walking up and down the stairs a burdensomely time-consuming event. You see, if I didn’t wait for Smokey to make it one step in front of me, she would charge at my calves from behind, and once her teeth made contact, she clinged to me. Getting Smokey unattached from my flesh required a lot of kicking and begging and deep breathing.

I will always remember the night I was minding my own business, which happened to be lying on my bed watching Sister, Sister, when Smokey lurched at my forearm. I will always remember because I have a daily reminder in the form of a permanent scar.

Maybe I should feel guilty for talking about Smokey this way, as she is dead (kidney issues, thank Yahweh), but I don’t.

She has irreparably destroyed any chance I had in liking cats, preventing me from making use of what’s apparently an adequate alternative for human love.

I guess I’m destined to be forever and completely alone. I’ll go ahead and submit my application to Whole Foods.

Photo credit: Sierra Witham ‘14

Valentine’s Day 3

Valentine’s Day gift interpretations

Friday, Feburary 14th

By Gabby Phail ‘14 Staff Writer

V

alentine’s day has evolved into a holiday for giving and receiving gifts. Picking the right gift can be stressful, especially for men, due to high expectations placed upon them by their significant others. It is important to think about what the gift one gives says about him/her as a boyfriend/girlfriend. What is your sweetheart trying to tell you with their gift? Check out this handy gift interpretation guide for the answer!

Non-Red Roses: “I like you a lot but I don’t want to freak you out by looking overly invested in the relationship.”

Your favorite Flowers: “I want to show you that I am thoughtful and that I care about your interests.”

Roses: “I’m trying to impress you with how romantic I am.”

Spa Day: “You’re uptight and it’s stressing me out so get a massage so I can relax again.”

Box of chocolates: “I can’t think of a gift so I will go with the most conventional idea I can think of.”

The Mixed Bouquet: “Is it Valentine’s Day already? I completely forgot!

Better run to the grocery store and pick up the last flowers standing so it looks like I made an effort.”

Overly practical household item: “I am an idiot and you should break up with me.”

J

.K. Rowling, renowned author of the enormously famous Harry Potter series has recently announced a retraction of one piece of the Harry Potter story: according to Rowling, the character Hermione Granger should, in fact, have ended up with Harry Potter instead of Ron Weasley. This statement shocked many a Harry Potter fan, yet came as no surprise to many others. All this talk of Ron and Hermione can cause one to think of other favorite on-screen couples. Let’s take a trip down memory lane in remembrance of the best fictional romances of our time.

I’m sure most of us remember watching Lizzie McGuire in our younger days. Lizzie had two best friends forever: Miranda and Gordo. We were quite aware of Gordo’s cute but borderline obsessive infatuation with Lizzie throughout the series, but Lizzie never seemed to notice. This love story culminated in The Lizzie McGuire

Movie, when the trio took a class trip to Rome. There was a lot of moped riding, singing, and an Italian brunette who looked inexplicably similar to Lizzie, but in the end Gordo stole a kiss – and Lizzie’s heart – to complete this classic Disney Channel romance.

Though Friends was a little before our time, you’d be hardpressed to find someone who hadn’t heard of the roller coaster romance of Ross and Rachel. First they were together, then they had a child, then they were married. Then Ross cheated on Rachel – or did he? (They were on a break!) This lead to the divorce and demise of their relationship, for the time being. Of course, the two could not stay away from each other for long, and Ross infamously called the woman he was supposed to marry “Rachel” on their wedding day. Chaos ensued, but it caused

Ross and Rachel to realize that they were meant to be together by the end of the ten season show.

Arguably the most adorable television courtship and relationship of all time belongs to Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly, co workers in the US version of The Office.

In the beginning, Pam had a boyfriend, then Jim had a girlfriend. Eventually the two lovebirds began dating, Jim proposed, and viewers got to see their lovely wedding at Niagara Falls and birth of their daughter.

This television couple is especially cute

Photo credit: fanpop.com

By Maddie Morelock ‘14 Senior Writer

Photo credit: blog.zap2it.com

Best TV romances

because their lives don’t seem too far off from reality, making them more relatable to viewers.

Though Harry Potter fans around the world are surely heartbroken that Harry Potter’s author herself wishes Ron and Hermione had never been together, they can take solace in the other TV romances that played out in picture perfect fashion.

Ed’s Eats

chillin’ by the fire, eatin’ fondue

By Eddie Free ‘14 Staff Writer

V

alentine’s day is the only day of the year devoted to love. Different couples do many different things on this day to show their love for one another - some couples cook a nice dinner for each other, some relive their first date, but many choose to go out to a romantic restaurant. Indianapolis is home to many high-end restaurants, but only a few of these are known for being the best places to take a date. I have often been told that one of the best date restaurants is the Melting Pot. A high-end fondue restaurant located at 86th street and Allisonville Road.

I decided to take my fellow Arrow writer, Kristen Henderson, to help review this restaurant for me.

We made reservations for a Wednesday evening at 7:00, so we knew it would not be very busy. But when we arrived, there were maybe four or five other couples in the entire restaurant. It felt pretty dead actually. Of course, the road conditions were not optimal, and because it was a Wednesday I am sure that had something to do with the emptiness of the place.

We were seated immediately at a booth and a waiter came to take our drink orders right away. One thing we noticed was how dimly

lit our area was; we had trouble reading the menu it was so dark. The waiter then proceeded to ask us if we had dined at the Melting Pot before. We both said no and he explained how it worked. There was a stovetop in the middle of the table with a pot on top and the waiter turned on the burners. He explained that the most people choose the four-course meal option, which includes a salad, a cheese fondue, a main course, and a dessert fondue. He said this was the most economical option because you get the most food for your money, but one can choose to select only one course.

We went with the four-course option but decided to skip the salad so we could save room for the main courses. We chose the Wisconsin three-cheese fondue, and the waiter went back into the kitchen to get what he needed. He arrived back to us with a bottle of sherry that he poured into the fondue pot. He let that warm up for a few minutes while he took our main course orders. We both decided to get the Steak Lovers [sic] with the bouillon broth option. After the waiter took our orders, he started to dump the shredded Wisconsin cheese into the fondue pot and let it melt.

He then added chopped scallions to the mix, and then set out the food that we were supposed to dip into the cheese. He set out an assortment of bread and vegetables and

then let us be. We used skewers to dip our bread and vegetables into the cheese, and the cheese was fantastic. It was very sharp, and the sherry added a perfect sweetness to it.

After a while the waiter came back and asked us if we were ready for the main course. We said, “yes,” and he removed our cheese pot and brought us a new fondue pot with the bouillon broth and the plates with the raw meat on it. He added an assortment of vegetables into the broth and told us to wait for it to boil before sticking the meat into the pot. He explained that to get rare meat (the best way to eat red meat) you should stick it in the pot for a minute and fifteen seconds. You are supposed to add fifteen seconds to get it to medium and add 30 seconds to get it to well done. The plate consisted of three types of steak: premium filet, seasoned prime rib, and teriyaki steak. The filet was absolutely fantastic, the bullion soaked into the meat and brought out a very unique flavor. I combined it with an assortment of dipping sauces, and it made it even better. We both agreed the filet was the best. The prime rib was also mouth watering, but I did not think the flavor was that much different than the filet.

We both agreed that the teriyaki steak was just okay. It was too sweet.

The waiter came back when we

were finished, took our fondue pot, and asked us what dessert fondue we wanted.

We decided to go with the cookies-andcream fondue. This was an absolutely amazing fondue; it had real Oreo chunks in it. There was an assortment of different fruits to dip in the fondue as well as different cakes and chocolate marshmallows. It was a perfect dessert to wrap up a good meal.

One thing I did not like about the Melting Pot was the price for the meal.

After tip, the bill was close to $100. That seems like a lot of money for a meal that you basically cook yourself. Overall I had a very good time, though. I think what makes the Melting Pot a good date place is that it is an active date; when you are actively doing something it is easier to carry a conversation and cooking in the fondue was a perfect example of this. Despite it being very fun, I do not think I will be going back again. It really is just too expensive.. But I definitely suggest to take your significant other to the Melting Pot at least once.

If you go Monday-Friday 5:00-10:00 Saturday 4:00-11:00 Sunday 4:00-10:00 5650 E 86th Street Bring at least $110

“Page 8”

Love Doctors

Friday, February 14

Ode to Hair Thomas Zelmanovitz ‘15 Sing to me, Muse, of the glory of my beautiful locks Whose touch is comparable only to that of woollen socks Persian kings would line up by thousands to be in its presence I tell you, truly, nothing less than Heavenly can be its essence

Pray tell me, Muse, how its touch inspires kings and armies to war My hair has no equal, no material of such quality is found neither near nor far More valuable than gold have its shining lengths been recorded to be

Dear Love Doctors,

desired vice about a current or I am not asking for ad u to yo G I am BEGGIN relationship, but rather aving never been in a e. H ng restore my faith in lov see me as this all-knowi relationship, my friends ip sh ion at in all of their rel sage who can aid them n’t I you are thinking: would problems. I know what n for love advice? Oh how rso be the least qualified pe friends make the wisdom y M e. tru re we ld I wish that of experience in this fie um dic mo my m I gained fro en wh e me of spin the bottl (a kiss in one fateful ga e the kind of perspective th k lik I was in 5 grade) loo marriage. I have played e of rs yea 50 gained from ding th role that one can, exclu essentially every single insight re this has given me mo I role of girlfriend, and ve. than they probably ha s of into their relationships ion at worst of these culmin hope y have seen the best and an I have to ask, is there d an e teenage hormones, and lov ve seen people whom I er for ANYONE? I ha eth ong reasons and stay tog t each respect date for the wr who genuinely care abou for months, while others g.” I a few weeks of “talkin le I other stop dating after op pe e some of the smartest digress. My friends ar

have ever met, but they just seem to lose all of their common sense when they enter a relationship. Granted, I have a few friends who seem to have found a way to avoid the Dear Third Wheel/Metrap of codependence, but I have so many diator/Prom-Date-Setterother friends who make the same mistakes Upper, over and over again. I have to imagine “Is there any hope for that they look at their failed relationship ANYONE?” history and think to themselves, Huh. Yes, unfortunately. Hope That didn’t work so well the first time. is the culprit here.

Might as well do it again, or they adopt Your reasonable friends the dreaded “I can fix/change/save them” act so unreasonably in mindset. I guess this letter is a desperate their relationships because attempt to find a reason to maintain my they have succumbed to faith in relationships, almost as desperate the omnipresent expectaas some of my friends seem to be for texts tion that love fulfills. filled with more smiley faces than common My apologies, sense. To sum it all up in the wise words Dr. Love Doctor of Foreigner, “I want to know what love is.”

Sincerely, Resident Third Wheel/ Mediator/ PromDate-Setter-Upper

Rarer than shimmering diamonds, it inspires desire in all that see

My Dearest Love Doctor, MD. I have a problem. I am head-over-heels in like with my ex girlfriend. We dated for a long time at the beginning of our high school career, and although we fought often, and had many prob lems with our relationship, I just have never been able to move on. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, she makes my hear t drop straight to my butt and all I can ever think about is how similar she is to someone who was in my life before I even met her, as if I had lived with her EXACT doppelganger for the entirety of my life.

Should I compare it to a winter night? Like fire and ice its passion burns Its dark appearance contrasted by the inner glow of a thousand frozen suns Fine material of princely status, like the velvet of the starless winter night Kings and Queens of the north gather round to gaze at this magnificent sight

Dr. Love, what do I do? How can I move on after a full week of beachin’ together on a tropical group of islands? Oh great Clinician of Intimacy, please show me the light of how to solve this ongoing agonizing romance .

Your Humble Love Slave, Anonymous

Magi from the east could not bear gifts of greater grandeur Muse, I beseech you, tell me of something of equal splendor

Student snapshots

Dearest Love Slave,

While I admire your determination, it’s vital that you understand this relationship has no more fruit to bear. It will only become toxic, hurting you, her and everyone else you come into contact with in the future, until the day you die alone and poorly dressed.Its clear to me that throughout your relationship she was the one holding the whip, so my first advice would be to run away as far as possible and put your roots down in the Pacific Northwest and live off the land.

Until you can make that dream a reality, though, your best bet would be to try your hardest to move on. There’s approximately 3.5 billion women on earth right now and your big issue is that you’re fixated on only one of them. Stockholm syndrome is hard to overcome, but I’m sure someone like yourself, with so much love to give, will be able to bounce back from this.

Weird phillias

XOXO and Love Dr. Love Doctor

V Day Facts Today is Valentine’s Day, and whether or not you are spending the holiday with your cats or your significant other, here are some interesting facts about the big day, compiled from a variety of online sources.

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?

● Over a billion dollars of chocolate is purchased for Valentine’s Day in the U.S.

“We’re taking a trip to Florida so we can get married.” Jack Humm and Amanda Gaddis ‘14

-Do you appreciate practical measures that combat vampirism? You may be an alliophile, or a lover of garlic.

-What’s more lovable than a global influenza? Ask a cypridophile.

He/she is particularly fond of venereal diseases.

-Midwives are, theoretically, tocophilic. (Note: this is not a spelling error that pertains to beef-ridden tortillas. Tocophiles love childbirth.)

-Lutraphilia, the love of otters, may seem odd if you haven’t seen otterly (pun/also not a spelling error) adorable GIFs of the mammals holding hands while they nap.

-Do you revel in the thought of congested bowels? You may be a coprastasophile, or a sick freak who loves constipation.

Anthropophiles love people.

Weird.

● Candy hearts are made of sidewalk chalk ● The first Valentine’s Day was celebrated in 1537 A.D. ● In Medieval times, women would eat strange food so that they might dream of their future husbands ● The oldest love poem is from around 3500 B.C. ● Eight billion candy hearts were made in 2009 ● In the 1800’s physicians might prescribe chocolate for patients who missed loved ones ● There are more than two million marriages a year in the United States

V Day Tweets

● 10% of all marriage proposals take place on Valentine’s Day

“We’re having a romantic outing at The Melting Pot.” Anna Imhoff and Karah Ellis ‘14

Backpack Drive “You don’t have to be alone on Valentine’s Day if you get into taxidermy today.” - @ SamGrittner “Here comes Valentine’s Day, like a shiny white limousine ready to splash puddle water on you.” - @bazecraze “It’s Valentine’s Day and I known I can always count on the local cemetery for free flowers” - @Koo_The_Boy

“Drowning my sorrows in frozen yogurt and Gilmore Girls.”

Austin Stevens ‘14

● 53% of women say that they would end their relationships if they didn’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

“Roses are black. Violets are black. Life is black. My heart is black. Loneliness. Pain.

Screams. A pony died in the forest. I shed no tears.” - @YUCKYBOT

Got any extra backpacks?

From February 14-18, bring them to the gym lobby to contribute to a drive for homeless people at St. Vincent DePaul. The backpacks must still have functioning straps and zippers. Give a Valentine’s Day gift of generosity this year!

Page 8 created by Kristen Henderson, Will Siderys, Sierra Witham, William Beckman, Thomas Zelmanovitz and Isak McCune