Toi Magazine May/June 2021 Issue No.23

NOV 2016 $3.50

May/June 2021 Issue No. 23

SYSTEM COMMUNICATION

UNDERSTANDING LIFE WITH A DISSOCIATIVE DISORDER www.toimagazine.com

EMDR & TRAUMA RECOVERY COMMUNITY, EDUCATION, & VALIDATION

All content in Toi Magazine should not be used as a solution to any medical or mental health issues. Please see and consult with your therapist, licensed physican, etc.

All content in Toi Magazine is strictly for entertainment purposes.

The following content can be triggering; language, graphic stories, assault RAINN National Sexual Assault Helpline 1-(800) 656-4673(HOPE) National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-(800)-799-7233 (SAFE) Suicide Helpline Call- 988

Contents 02

Truly An Infinite Mind

05

EMDR, Trauma, & Dissociative Disorders

09

System Communication

12

Bringing Light to POC with DID featuring The Creative System

14

Daily Life with DID

16

The Art Brushstrokes of our Journey with DID

18

Creating Incuna

21

My Discovery of Having OSDD

24

My Life with My System

26

Our Quick Insight on Being A System & Dating!

28

Our Experience with Recovered Memories

Connect wth us on our site at www.toimagazine.com or visit our Instagram at @toi.magazine!!

www.aninfinitemind.com

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An Infinite Mind.

About Jaime I am a PK special educator teacher and home based Infant and Toddler Developmental Specialist. My passion is early intervention and preventative care. It is so much better to be proactive and not reactive. I am also a big advocate for trauma informed schools and trauma training for those who work with students such a OT, PT, SLP, etc. When not trying to save the world, I enjoy spending time with my husband, my 5 fur babies, and going to the gym.

Jaime’s Journey I always knew I heard other people in my head from a very early age. I brushed them off as imaginary friends. I didn’t realize it wasn’t typical until I entered therapy at 17. Whenever I mentioned my “other voices” in therapy to any therapist, you could see their eyes raise and the conversation quickly changed.

I stopped telling therapists about them however looking back in my journals during that time, they were still very active in my writing and art work.

I kept going to therapy for my other dissociation and C-PTSD symptoms but after many therapists and just as many misdiagnosis, I gave up. The therapists had made me feel like I was the reason I wasn’t getting better. I was treatment resistant or in denial. I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I was beginning to think I would never get better and then it happened. I landed in the right therapist office and she knew all about trauma, dissociation, and DID and my world changed.

Dissociation and DID Dissociation is much easier to describe than DID. Everyone dissociates at some level so they have an understanding once you point it out.

We all have those moments of driving home on auto-pilot or being so overwhelmed you feel like a robot. DID is much harder to explain.

How can one understand a multiple’s mind any more than I can understand a singleton’s. I try to have people remember a time they had too much to drink or perhaps a surgery and they were out of it from the meds. They don’t have recall of what they said or did but they did it. I also tell them to imagine having everyone you love talk to you at the same time. Your children, your husband, your best friends, etc and they all have something they need you to hear or do. That is what it is like too. Lol! Labels and Diagnosis I don’t think labels are a necessity. With children we say no matter whether they have a diagnosis or not, the interventions will remain the same. It is the same with DID. Whether it is is labeled as DID or CPTSD or OSDD, the treatment goals are the treatment goals. I also feel like this is a personal decision. I wanted the diagnosis. I wanted an answer to what was happening with me. I wanted a name for it. Others may feel like they don’t need to fit in a box and they want more flexibility to embrace who they are. That is fine too.

An Infinite Mind An Infinite Mind was born out of frustration at the lack of resources for people living with DID. We have been around 15 years so back then there weren’t all the amazing things we have today. I remember watching an episode of Law and Order:SVU and of course, the murder suspect had DID. The dept psychologist kept calling her fruit loops and crazy.

Never once was it mentioned how she was the victim too which is how her DID came to be. It made me so angry that they could get away with this. Hence AIM was born. I wanted a positive place for people with DID to come to and I wanted to be a voice in changing the negative perception of people with DID.

We are not dangerous. We are not criminals.

We are survivors whose brain came up with a way to escape the inescapable.

We are the heroes.

It was supposed to be smaller and mainly online. I underestimated the need and we quickly grew. Then the idea for Healing Together came to mind. I went to a professional conference for clinicians and I learned so much about my brain and how trauma affects it. I felt free of the shame of having these symptoms because now through science it wasn’t what was wrong with me but what HAPPENED to me. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me this before!

I felt like all people living with dissociation and DID should be able to know this too, not just the clinicians.

Everyone in the healing process should be privy to the same information. Healing Together was born and it was supposed to be a small, local conference. Well we underestimated that as well!

Watching the growth of An Infinite Mind and the continuous ripples from Healing Together has been one of the most, if not the most, proudest accomplishments of my life. I know we have profoundly changed people’s lives for the better, including mine, and that is special. AIM has introduced to many amazing people and brought some incredible opportunities to me and this community. I have truly found where I belong. I always feel at home when I am with my people.

What She’s Learned I am definitely much more accepting of people. I have learned everyone has a story and we don’t know what anyone else is going through. I am passionate about preventing child abuse and helping those who have

The journey to get here was very, very hard and I am proud of myself for doing it. Would I still go back and change it if I could, yes.

suffered from it. I have a lot more patience for things. It takes a lot to really get me upset because after all I have been through, most everything is small stuff and I don’t sweat it.

To Those in the Beginning of their Journey I would have loved to have known it will be very hard and you will want to quit (and you might even a few times) but it is worth it in the end to keep going. All I had was trust in my therapist this was the truth. Hearing it from someone who did it would have been great.

Communication and Connection Early on we connected via shared writing in journals and art work. Once we learned co-conscious communication, we still used expressive arts but also we started having internal meetings. Having a set time each morning and each night to connect internally really helped throughout the day. My system knew that they would have that space so there was a lot less interruptions throughout the day.

Plus we used that time to go over the day and talk through any concerns. The longer we did this, the more we sort of learned what each other needed and now the meetings happen as needed and not so much daily anymore. I know when things aren’t running smooth I need to check in.

Healing That is a tough one. Healing looks different for everyone. You and your system have to figure out what the end goal is for you and what your version of healed would look like. For me, I wanted to be able to be fully co-conscious. I wanted to live as one “person” but still remain a multiple. I wanted a healthy relationship, and less emotional difficulties. I mainly wanted the abuse and trauma memories to come and

go without it disrupting my whole day. After the main work of therapy, I would take breaks and when the dust settled I found some more areas that needed some spot cleaning. I utilized EMDR and Somatic work for that.

The Hardest Part and Moving Forward In terms of therapy, the actual trauma processing work was the hardest part in general.

However for me the hardest part that really inhibited my progress in therapy was accepting I had DID. I was in denial for so long and tried to push them away. I was convinced the only way I was going to get better was to ignore them and make them go away. Once I learned more about the science behind trauma and DID in the brain and came to understand more about DID from an outsider rather than as my own experience, it helped change my perspective and I began to embrace my parts much more. That become a huge turning point in my therapy.

What has empowered you along your journey?

My nieces and nephew. I wanted to the best auntie I could possibly be for them. My now husband; wanting to be the best girlfriend, fiance, and wife to the most amazing man.

Mainly it was tied into the desire to not let my abusers steal and control the rest of my life.

Supporting Loved Ones with DID You don’t need to have DID or even understand it fully to be a supportive person. Support looks like many things and the biggest way you can support someone is to love and accept them as is. If you don’t know what to say/do, ask. It will show that you care. I used to think it was so sweet when people first found out I was

diagnosed and they would send me links to positive articles or stories on DID. They were trying.

An Affirmation I think it goes without saying that people who live with DID are some of the most creative people I know. We are not dangerous. We are not criminals. We are survivors whose brain came up with a way to escape the inescapable.

We are the heroes.

Closing Thoughts This is tough for me because I am not a “everything happens for a reason” person and “I wouldn’t change my childhood.” I don’t believe that. I would change my childhood in a second.

I chose to create something positive out of the negative I have experienced. I don’t like the assumption my reason for being born was to be abused so I could help others who were abused.

How about just not abusing kids anymore. I love my life now and I am very grateful for the friends I have made and experiences I have been blessed to have. The journey to get here was very, very hard and I am proud of myself for doing it. Would I still go back and change it if I could, yes.

Healing Together Conference Our Healing Together conference for 2022 will be taking place February 4th - 6th, 2022 in Orlando, FL. Proposals will be opening in June for anyone who is interested in presenting.

As of now it will be face to face again but we are actively exploring making it hybrid for attendees only. Presenters will be face to face only.

EMDR, Trauma, & Dissociative Disorders Dana Carretta-Stein My Website: https://www.danacarretta.com/ Our Website: https://www.peacefullivingmentalhealthcounseling.com/ Follow me on Instagram: @the_emdr_coach Follow us on Instagram: @peacefullivingcounseling

My Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theemdrcoach Our Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PeacefulLMHC

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About Dana I’m a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, specializing in EMDR and trauma-informed psychotherapy. I’m the owner of Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling, PLLC, a trauma-informed private practice, located in Scarsdale, NY. We have a team of awesome therapists who specialize in trauma, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders and work with children, teens and adults.

Building a private practice was a dream of mine before I even finished graduate school, so I am SO eternally grateful for my amazing staff, whom all are dedicated, caring professionals who make a difference in their clients’ lives every day.

I’m also now a coach and consultant for other EMDR therapists who are looking to build their skills and confidence in using EMDR therapy. This has been such a FUN part of being a therapist, because it’s amazing to see other professionals grow and be able to help them better help their clients.

In addition to the things I love about my career, I’m also a Mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister and an Auntie. Humor and Family are two of my core values, so you can always find me laughing hysterically with my sister until I can’t breathe or dancing like a fool to the bubble guppies with my son.

I’ve also been known to speak in movie quotes and make a FRIENDS reference in almost any scenario, which usually drives my very-patient husband crazy.

EMDR shifts the focus from “what’s “wrong” with you” to “what happened to you.”

Dana’s EMDR Journey It’s kind of a funny story how I started on my EMDR journey.

I was a new mental health counseling graduate, had just completed my clinical hours, and was excited to join a private practice. The owner of that practice (who has become a mentor and such an impactful person in my life) had said “ever think of getting trained in EMDR therapy?” And my exact response was, “What’s that?!”

When I was in graduate school, it wasn’t even something that was taught, although I think that has finally changed now (thankfully!) I had no idea what to expect, but being a “new therapist”, I was excited

to further my professional development and learn more ways to help clients. Flashforward 8 years later, and I cannot possibly imagine my life or my career without EMDR in it.

As I began to integrate EMDR more and more into my practice, I slowly began to see that the basic training was just the tip of the iceberg. I found myself working with clients whose clinical presentation was more than just one traumatic event in their lives, but rather, a history of chronic and complex traumatization that required more training on my part so that I could really help them. That’s when I began to dive deeper into dissociation and the overlap it has with EMDR therapy. Studying the research on childhood trauma, disorganized attachment and the spectrum of dissociative disorders has helped me to put together the most effective treatment plans for my clients so that they can understand that what’s happening to them now is because of what happened to them in the past.

They’re not “crazy”, as so many individuals fear. Instead, there is a scientific explanation AND treatment to help them move forward.

EMDR’s Impact Overall, EMDR has really helped me to understand myself and others on a much deeper level.

On a professional level, it has created such a passion inside of me that I love sharing with others, which is why I love helping other therapists who are trained in EMDR to help build their confidence and skill sets. The trauma-informed care approach to counseling has helped instill hope that we all have the ability to heal and that a mental health “diagnosis” is just a name for a cluster of symptoms but does not have to guide the treatment. Symptoms don’t have to just be managed; they can be resolved.

The neuroscience behind why EMDR works has given me such an awesome understanding of the human experience, why we think, feel and act the way we do, and has helped me educate survivors of trauma that there is a scientific reason behind their thoughts, feelings and actions.

I have seen this help so many

individuals instantly move past the feelings of shame and blame once they understand the science behind their brains and bodies.

About EMDR EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing and is one of the most effective treatments for trauma and adverse life experiences. I like to think of it as a “supertherapy” since it integrates elements of several different effective psychotherapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Psychodynamic Therapy and Body-Based Therapies, such as somatic experiencing and is rooted in the principles of affective neuroscience.

EMDR is based on the principles of what’s referred to as Adaptive Information Processing.

Our body is designed to naturally heal itself.

That’s how we can heal from physical injuries, like cuts and scrapes, without having to actually think about it. The same can be said for our brains. When we experience an event and are able to successfully process it, it gets stored in our brains correctly so that we can integrate it with other experiences that help us make sense of ourselves and our environment.

Sometimes things happen to us that don’t make sense or are so overwhelming that our nervous systems cannot successfully process them. When this happens, these experiences do not get stored correctly in our brains, leading to present-day symptoms such as anxiety, depression, chronic pain, difficulty sleeping, etc.

Adaptive Information Processing demonstrates that memories are at the core of many mental health symptoms. EMDR shifts the focus from “what’s “wrong” with you” to “what happened to you.”

What EMDR Looks Like I’m a firm believer that there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to therapy; however, since EMDR is such a comprehensive psychotherapy, it works very well in conjunction with other therapeutic orientations.

EMDR would be a good fit for someone who has tried other therapies before, has gained the benefits of those approaches, but still feels stuck and is having trouble moving forward or changing their thoughts, feelings or behavior. A typical question almost everyone asks is, “How Long Does EMDR take?” and that question really always depends on each individual person and where they are on their healing journey.

I’ve seen individuals with very complex trauma progress quickly in the process, mostly because they were devoted to the process and practiced strategies in between sessions. And there are other times when maybe the individual has not had any counseling experience before, so the psychoeducation and resourcing part of the EMDR process may need to be extended. Everyone’s situation is uniquely different.

The standard EMDR journey is based on the 3-prong approach: Past, Present and Future, and would take you through the 8 Phases of EMDR, which are: History Taking, Resourcing, Assessment, Reprocessing, Installation, Body Scan, Closure and Re-Evaluation. A typical EMDR treatment plan includes reprocessing past traumatic memories, reprocessing present day memories and triggers, and strengthening adaptive responses for the future.

During the beginning stages of EMDR Therapy, you and your therapist would discuss what’s bringing you into therapy, what your goals are for EMDR, and where these present-day symptoms are showing up in your present-day life. Then, using the trauma informed care approach, these symptoms would be explored more and linked back to other times in your life that you have experienced them. Together, you and your therapist would create a list of possible memories that are incorrectly stored in your brain that might be contributing to your present-day struggles. Your therapist would then give you psychoeducation on the trauma informed care approach and the nervous system, to help give you a strong understanding of why this approach works and explore any concerns you may have.

From there, your therapist would guide you in different exercises and techniques (part of that resourcing phase) to help you feel a stronger sense of calm and safety before you begin working on the memories. Once that safety is established, you would begin working on the memories, using the eye-movements that EMDR is so famously known for. Once memories and situations from the past and present are cleared out, then your therapist would help to strengthen the positive thoughts

and feelings for any future scenarios that you may imagine would be triggering for you.

This approach helps you learn new skills and beliefs about yourself so that you can feel the way you want to feel in the present.

Dissociation and EMDR Dissociation is a common occurrence for everyone. We all dissociate from time to time.

A good example is if you’re driving, and all of a sudden you don’t remember what has happened for all or part of the trip (I often refer to this as space driving). Some of that is partly due to the fact that you may have the route for your trip so memorized that it becomes automatic, so your mind is free to float elsewhere because you don’t need to be super focused to know where you’re going.

For survivors of trauma, dissociation was actually a helpful way for them to disconnect from the present moment if the present moment was dangerous or painful. It’s your brains way of trying to protect you.

Dissociation can present itself in many different ways. There are different forms of dissociation, including depersonalization (feeling disconnected from your body), derealization (feeling disconnected from your current environment), structural dissociation (feeling like a different person in different situations) and somatoform dissociation (feeling sensations and experiences in your body that are not caused by an organic/medical condition).

Dissociation goes hand in hand with trauma. Dissociation is our brain’s way of trying to protect us from situations that are

overwhelmingly painful. This is especially true in survivors of complex trauma, who may have experienced chronic traumatization and therefore needed to dissociate as a way to survive the environment they were living in.

One of the most important phases of EMDR is what’s known as the Resourcing/Stabilization (phase 2 of EMDR therapy).

During this part of treatment, your therapist will teach you tools and skills that are based on some core principles of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the key to overcoming dissociation, since it strengthens the brain’s ability to stay present, rather than dissociate.

The neuroscience behind why EMDR works has given me such an awesome understanding of the human experience, why we think, feel and act the way we do, and has helped me educate survivors of trauma that there is a scientific reason behind their thoughts, feelings and actions.

Once you have the ability to know that the present moment is safe, then you can proceed to the next phases of EMDR, where you work on specific traumatic memories.

If you skip this step, you run the risk of retraumatization, because your brain will think the trauma is happening again, rather than realizing you are safe in your therapist’s office and looking bad at old stuff.

The EMDR Coach My Instagram account, @ the_emdr_coach, was a product of quarantine, thanks to COVID! I started the account less than a year (May 2020), as a way to spread the word about EMDR therapy & provide valuable tips and resources for other EMDR Therapist. As a Consultant-inTraining, I love working with other EMDR Therapist to help them improve their skills and confidence in using the therapy, and social media is such a powerful way to connect with others all over the world.

It’s definitely grown very quickly in 10 months, and it has taught me if you believe information is valuable, then you shouldn’t be afraid to share it. It can be intimidating at first to put yourself out there for the whole world to see, feelings of imposter syndrome can certainly creep in, but the feedback I have received has been so very rewarding.

Knowing that there are others out there who find value in the content I provide and have been able to use it to help themselves or help others is the greatest feeling there is.

Personal Experience and Growth I think that for any therapist to be truly effective, they have to be willing to do the work on themselves, too. I don’t think I could ever ethically recommend something to clients that I, myself, have not experienced, and therefore, know the benefits and potential pitfalls of.

My own experiences on the other side of the couch has helped me gain a much deeper understanding of myself and of the other. I think something that comes up for almost everyone in their personal and professional lives in the feeling of defensiveness. It’s something I used to struggle a lot with. But by doing the work on myself and exploring what was at the root of that, I learned to be able to really tune in to the other person and help them explore their inner experience (or be okay with them not wanting to do so!)

This has made my relationships in my life, both personally and professionally, so much more fulfilling.

My own journey has also had a huge impact on how I function as a parent. The education I have learned from my trainings in trauma and EMDR, as well as the work I have done in my own counseling sessions, has made me a much calmer, much more effective parent, and one that is okay with not being a “perfect” parent.

Therapy Journey I think one thing that everyone could benefit from is learning what they can take ownership of. I think so much of therapy can sometimes be perceived as a place to vent about other people and situations in your life. And that has its place and can be very valid. But true healing starts the moment you ask yourself, “why is this bothering me so much?” and “what do I want to own in this?”.

Once you shift to that perspective, you’re able to truly begin working on yourself by focusing on your own inner experience and learning to accept that which belongs to you.

I remember when my husband and I first started in couples therapy and I thought to myself, “maybe now someone can finally make him see what I’ve been saying” and then 45 minutes later,

walking out of the office, thinking “oh my God it’s me!”. Granted, we both had our own work to do (and it has made our relationship that much better for it!), but the fact that we were both willing to accept what was ours to work on individually is what helped us as a couple overall. I learned to connect with parts of myself that I didn’t even know existed and to appreciate and accept them. It wasn’t always comfortable, but it was well worth it.

I think it’s important for every individual, no matter if you’re a therapist or a client, to know that healing is not linear. During the process of therapy, things may feel worse, then better, then worse again, and that’s okay! Trauma therapy can be intense work, so as treatment progresses, it’s not uncommon to feel an increase in symptoms as you begin working through the memories of the past. Just know that this is a normal part of the process and it does not mean you are doing anything wrong or that the therapy isn’t working.

Therapy is an amazing journey – and like any journey, it has its highs and its lows. Consistency is a huge part of the process, even when it becomes uncomfortable, so you can reap the full benefits.

Final Thoughts I am so grateful for all of my experiences, whether they were comfortable or not, because each of them guided me to where I am now. I’m always, always grateful for all the individuals that I have worked with professionally over the years, for trusting me to go on their healing journey with them and allowing me to bear witness to the process. I have learned far more from the clients’ I have worked with over the years than I could ever teach them.

Their strength and commitment to themselves has been a huge inspiration over the years and the reason why I get to love what I do every single day.

For Fellow EMDR Therapists I will be releasing EMDR Paperwork packets for EMDR therapists, which will include treatment planning templates, visual aides, and graphic organizers to easily map out and keep track of your clients’ progress in EMDR Therapy.

The Cue System @honeypoffin

We can’t change the reality that made us who we are, but we can change our life now. A DID diagnosis isn’t a death sentence.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

About The Cue System We’re a diagnosed DID system in our early twenties and a recent college graduate. I have a passion for writing fiction. When I was a kid, I didn’t see myself in the cartoons I watched or the books I read. I think representation is a way to foster understanding about other people that people often don’t consider.

Thus, I started writing. I write just about anything, but I mostly write for myself. I like researching because I like to learn about things I don’t understand. I believe there’s always more to understand and there’s always more growing to do. I’m not sure what the future holds for me or for us, but I’d like to always be able to say that I’m always learning and growing.

Our Journey I always knew there was something different about me, I just didn’t know what it was. My recollection of my childhood was always in snapshots. I didn’t have the recall other people seem to have. My memories started in middle school. I could remember the smallest bits and pieces that felt organic before, but for the most part, what I did have felt like someone else’s memories or stories other people had told me. This lack of memory was frustrating and scary.

It made it hard to connect to people I had supposedly known all my life. In turn, the people around me seemed

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to be frustrated that I had changed, echoing sentiments about how, when I was younger, “it was almost as if you were another kid.” It was gutting. In a way, I internalized that as people wishing for someone else. Beyond the lack of memories, I had a tendency to check out, what I now know as dissociating. When people would ask what I was thinking about when I felt more grounded, I had no idea.

After several notable mental health issues in high school, I saw my first therapist. She wasn’t a safe person and would often ask me about things I had never told her that I knew she had from people who went to school with me. I didn’t say much in therapy and, eventually, stopped going altogether.

In my later years of high school, other symptoms popped up. I couldn’t sleep at night, I had body flashbacks, and I felt disconnected from my feelings. There were times I would sob without knowing what I was even crying about. In school, I had tumultuous friendships and my emotions were erratic. One second, I would say one thing was true about my experience, and the next I would say another, not remembering the first part at all. People I knew were concerned about me. I was armchair diagnosed by peers with everything under the sun.

When I was eighteen, I wanted answers and I knew that the information wouldn’t get back to family. I went to a therapist that had been recommended to me and… it didn’t go well. I would explain what other people had said about me and some things I had noticed about myself. In the sessions, I was always cool and collected, but, my real life felt hectic and out of control. I went through several other therapists and found it hard to open up when I was so quickly dismissed about my experience. Eventually, I found my way to the right office when I no longer lived at home.

I didn’t open up about my deeper concerns for a long time, instead, I talked about how to manage the other mental health symptoms I struggled with. The symptoms got worse though. I was forgetting plans I had, not holding up expectations in school, and not communicating with people in my life that I didn’t see on a daily basis.

I was introduced to the concept of dissociation from people I knew who experienced it. When I knew that it had a name and it wasn’t just me, I had the courage to bring up my experiences with my therapist. I was surprised that not everyone has different voices commenting on their daily experience. I just thought I was really creative.

We talked about dissociative experiences and my experiences, and suddenly there was a whole new understanding. The process took a long time, mostly because I was in denial, but once I made steps in accepting, including, and communicating with my system, we’ve seen a lot of change in our symptoms and our life.

Our Definition & Implementation of System Communication For us, we define system communication as anything that makes us feel connected with one another for a given moment. It can look very varied. The most common representation of communication we see online is a system journal. The journal contains what you know and is common knowledge up to date as well as a place to write back and forth and build relationships. Other people we know meditate and communicate in their inner world as a means of getting to know their alters.

For whatever reason, we haven’t been able to master system meetings. Our inner world is really scattered and there are literal barriers between some of us connecting internally.

We’ve always figured that skill was something we haven’t quite gotten to yet. Some of us communicate internally, but we find it difficult to maintain agreements, boundaries, and daily life that way. For life decisions and certain communication, we’ve relied on our notes app and several other apps where we can each have our name and a photo attached (such as SelfTalking or Mytter). We know there are several apps in development for systems specifically as well. However, there are several other ways we connect, communicate, and build trust that we don’t see people consider communication as often.

One way of connecting is the fronting alter putting on music, movies, or shows another alter enjoys. It’s a way of saying “hi, you’re welcome to sit with me.” It makes us feel closer to one another, which leads to trust between us. It can be reading a book out loud for another alter to enjoy. It can be taking a bubble bath and having fun to encourage smaller alters to enjoy. It can show them that it’s safe to play where you are. It can be going places you know other alters wanted to go or going on a mindful walk in the woods.

We also frequently do projects that involve creating. Try creating art with an open mind and allowing whoever is around to participate.

It could mean choosing the medium, the subject, the colors. If they want to personally contribute, let them. Same thing with writing.

If communicating in an internal world is too hard, work on communicating externally. I find creative projects especially helpful because art is both an internal and external process.

Be curious. Hold space for alters in different situations. Ask for their opinions, whether it’s for something important or not. Encouraging trust and that small communication has changed our life for the better. Holding and making space in daily life for communication has built the relationships between us more than anything.

Blockers while Establishing System Communication There were a lot of issues in the beginning.

The denial I felt led to a lot of pain and resentment from other people in my system.

To them, I finally had the knowledge I needed to do the work, and I was digging my heels in, refusing to. I imagine my denial was similar to how I felt with people telling me that I was fine because I was masking. It stung for them.

It felt personal. Meanwhile, my denial for me was not wanting to believe things about my trauma and the experiences I didn’t remember.

My denial for me was knowing that this diagnosis would change my life. It was fueled by the guilt I had more not remembering and the guilt I had for the choices I made not only affecting me. In them, I could see the pain from harm interpersonal relationships I had done. They felt like a reminder of all my shortcomings and I didn’t know how I could move forward.

In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure how I did move forward. I look back at who I was then and it feels light years away from where I am now. I know why and how I felt that way, but it’s far from how I feel now. I think a lot of the growth I had stemmed from relinquishing a bit of control. I didn’t have too much control to begin with. After being out of the house, the near-constant blended uncertainty stopped and people fronted more clearly and more often. I was more aware of what I wasn’t remembering. I went through several things that were hard in my personal life and changed me. Our system showed up for me when I needed them. I took a brief

break from hosting and they handled life. They handled life well, too. I stopped fearing that other people fronting more often meant that the life I knew would be changed irreparably.

We started working as a team to handle conflict as well as life expectations. I can’t say that there weren’t- and aren’t- still bumps.

There are. We don’t always agree with one another. We view trauma differently and we view disagreements differently. We have a long therapy journey ahead of us. It can be frustrating and I do get tired and stressed, but I’m proud of the work we’ve done and where we are today.

This Is How Communication Has Helped Us...

In my experience, communication builds relationships. Think about external relationships. You need to communicate with other people in order to know what they’re thinking and how they’re feeling.

Communication is how you build camaraderie.

It’s very similar internally. Communication builds relationships, but it also builds trust and understanding, which makes it easier to work as a team.

It was easy to have preconceived notions of alters when I didn’t know them personally. For example, there’s an alter in the system who is direct, calls it as he sees it, and criticizes bad behaviors of people in our life. When he’s out, people always tell me that I was acting grumpy or short with them. In the beginning, his behavior was triggering to me. It reminded me of someone in my life that had a rocky relationship with me. A lot of other alters in the system are chronic people-pleasers, me included. When he’d point out these behaviors, I felt shame and I wasn’t ready to acknowledge the behaviors playing out in front of me. I felt like he was being critical of me or too intense. I felt like he saw red flags where there weren’t any.

In retrospect, now that I know him, I know he was being protective. He didn’t like how people were treating me or us and he wanted to build better boundaries. Now that I’ve spent a lot of time working on my boundaries, I know that he was right. More often than not, he’s right, at least. We still disagree on how to handle boundaries, but I often consult him when I need an opinion on why I feel off about relationships in our life. Now that I know him, I can see him as really perceptive and helpful. That came with getting to know him. It came with seeing the music he likes, watching movies he likes, and seeing how gentle he is with the child alters. I can now see him as full of love, protective, and fiercely loyal instead of critical and angry.

He is one example of many. As I’ve explored my place in our system and my connections within them, I’ve found that I have more of those conclusions about the alters around me, who they are, and why they are. With that understanding, I’m able to have more patience and compassion, which fosters a more

welcoming environment for them and me.

Insight For You On System Communication If you want to build communication with your alters, be curious and be open. It might not always happen right away.

There are still alters that have no desire to communicate with me. There are alters who don’t want to be known. I have to respect that. They’re not ready. At one point, I wasn’t either. If you want to build communication and trust between your system, the best I can advise is to be open to hearing them.

Be genuine. They have a way of knowing when you aren’t. Be open and honest.

Consider them in your choices. Ask for opinions, even if you don’t think they’ll give you one. Listen to nonverbal communication as well. If you’ve had a weird desire to watch or try something you normally wouldn’t, consider that it might be passive influence from someone else. Acknowledge it, try it, and have another check-in.

Speak to them, verbally or not. If you have anxiety about a situation that you don’t think belongs to you, talk them through what it’s going to look like, what your plans are, and any road bumps. It’s scary to not know what’s happening. Outlining situations can help with that and ground alters who are listening in the present.

Keep trying. It might not work for a long time, but you’ll start to see rewards.

Remember that their lack of trust in you could be a trauma response. They could be pushing you away to feel safe. They could be waiting for you to leave. They could be waiting for you to give up. Stay.

Prove that you are different with your consistency. Tell them so, too. Be the people in your life you wish you had.

A Special Note...

It’s hard to feel like communication is important. I don’t say any of this without acknowledging that. There are plenty of excuses I have given myself along the way, some of which pop up when I’m feeling fatigued. I used to tell myself that our system knew how I felt because we shared a brain and body.

False. I used to tell myself they would know I was fatigued and it wouldn’t affect them if I needed time or space.

False. Communication is the same in any relationship. When I’ve needed breaks now, I’ve been honest about feeling fatigued by mental health and life. It’s made my lack of communication make sense to them and not feel as personal.

Communication isn’t easy. It’s easy to feel exhausted by internal and external life and relationships. It’s easy to feel angry

that singlets don’t have to worry about all this. It’s easy to think “if only this wasn’t my reality.” It’s easy to say that if other alters wanted to talk to me they would, and if they don’t, it’s not my problem. I think those thoughts are fair and I let myself feel. Then, I pick myself back up and tell myself that this is my reality, and wishing it wasn’t won’t change anything.

Someone needs to take the initiative and it’s not going to happen by waiting for someone to make the first move.

When my external life gets busy and stressful, my efforts into system work are often the first things to go.

When I brought this up in therapy, my therapist asked why. The answer is that not meeting external deadlines and expectations has external complications and consequences, which leads to more stress and exhaustion. My therapist asked why the system’s needs aren’t the priority. My answer was that my needs were never a priority growing up. I’m still learning. I’m sure that you are too. It’s okay to make mistakes. Be humble, own up to your shortcomings, acknowledge the harm you’ve caused, and continue trying. Making the wrong choice won’t ruin the foundation you’ve built. Being compassionate with yourself is important as well. As you learn and grow, your system benefits from the behavior you’re modeling.

Closing Words I am thankful for our system and the continued effort we’ve made to show compassion and openness to one another.

We can’t change the reality that made us who we are, but we can change our life now. A DID diagnosis isn’t a death sentence. It isn’t easy, but you’ll find your way. Do your best to be open to change and to change how you approach life.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to talk about system communication because it’s something I’m fairly passionate about.

Through this opportunity, we were able to reflect with one another, connect, and communicate about our own experience while preparing it for you to read.

While discussing this, we had moments of surprise as other alters processed what I was writing. Acknowledgment about feelings, our journey, and our communication thus far. There is always more communication to be had between us and we’re never really sure what alters are listening. DID is constantly learning, processing, and relearning. Thank you for being a part of our own DID journey through this topic as we connect with one another by explaining communication to you.

Keep trying. It might not work for a long time, but you’ll start to see rewards.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bringing Light to POC with DID featuring The Creative System The_Creative_System https://www.instagram.com/silent_chemical/ https://ko-fi.com/artisticsystem

Creative System Ami 24

About Caitlin I am 23 years old and I was born in Salem, Oregon until I moved to California when i was 9 years old. Always moving I eventually was placed in Foster Care until my 21st birthday. During Foster Care I had went to Renaissance high school for the arts in Long Beach, California, where I had participated in the Newspaper club and went to many artist competitions including winning the 44th Annual Congressional Art Competition in 2013 and many more, but due time certain events I never graduated. Years later I Eventually moved to San Pedro, where I live now with my wonderful husband and son. In 2018 I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I have an amazing support group called Tay academy that helps me with my journey dealing with all my current and forgotten trauma. In my freetime, I am a freelance Artist and Writer, where I try to express my mental health or problems I am facing. I have a system of 16+ and most of them are very artistic in their own ways, and a lot of them are willing to put their art work out into the world.

Caitlin’s Journey In 2018 I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, but that wasn’t always the case.

While being in Foster care, for the longest time I was diagnosed with mania, psychosis, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and especially schizophrenia being the biggest one. Countless times I was given so many different medications that didn’t seem to work or would make everything 10x worse. I felt like no matter what doctor foster care had given me they weren’t listening to me or they just couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

At many times I was shifted around quite a bit of group homes and foster homes because my “behaviour” was concerning. Countless times I would tell doctors and therapists that I had such bad memory loss, or would get into trouble at school for acting differently, or screaming when I tried to sleep or even drawing things in my sketchbook that I don’t remember drawing or even signing a name I’m not familiar with.

By time I was 19 things got a lot worse, my memory seemed like was non existent, chunks of my high school life were just gone, my friends at school would tell me i haven’t been to school in weeks when i remember being there yesterday, people I never knew would come to my apartment calling me by different names, clothes that i had never seen before were bought with money I dont remember spending to, my house being extremely dirty, and clean in a second or even saying i get sent to this room sometimes with other people,My relationships became a struggle and it felt like I was losing myself to something I can’t even remember. It continued like this for 2 more years. It wasn’t until I exited foster care and was put into the care of Tay Academy that I was finally properly diagnosed and given medications that actually helped instead of me have severe panic attacks and switching.

At first my system was extremely uncooperative and wouldn’t try to talk at all, but eventually they came around. Though we still have our bad days and times they are very difficult to talk to, they are learning how to be better and how to help without being aggressive to the whole system. The more I got help with my disorder then more I started to look into it and research it and be informed of what I was dealing with.

Eventually, I took it to social Media, finding out there are more people like me around the world and that i wasn’t alone. But the more I followed them the more I tried to interact, I noticed a big gap, There were basically little to no people of my skin color with my disorder, that were public about it at least. The ones I did find I followed and made sure I saw their posts first because I could actually relate to them in my life as a Black woman. Yet, the longer I followed Yt bodied systems, seeing how they describe their PoC alters to describing there black alters as “the dark one” “the black one” “the aggressive one” started to make me feel incredibly ------ Toi Magazine ------

uncomfortable and almost unwelcome because i felt like my voice as a black bodied system was less important than other yt systems, or when ever i speak up im labeled “aggressive” while the other is labeled “informed and woke” It almost feels like I don’t have a space to speak and not get stereotyped.

Difference in Experience Well the obvious difference would be that someone who doesn’t have DID gets to wake up with their body, while one with DID might wake up in the middle of doing something. Other than that, there’s a sort of fear that comes with every moment of the day since I have to hope that the slightest thing doesn’t boot me from fronting and send someone else out, and that’s if they let me be out in the first place. There’s plenty in this world to keep you worried with or without a system for sure, but the presence of the possibility of having control stripped from you at any random moment is a big hindrance that a person without this disorder would typically have to deal with. Not to mention the strain it puts on trying to maintain any sort of relationship. Most people can learn to love you one on one, but for me you have to meet and learn to deal with more than one. On top of that, even if you like someone or something, you have to respect their boundaries and treat them with respect.

When you enter the fact that the system’s body is a person of color, those problems White in comparison to what it takes just to exist.

Having a mental situation like this isn’t exactly accepted by most, but for us, not even our family can be turned to for comfort because the black community isn’t typically accepting of mental illness, especially of this kind. It’s more common to be told to be strong, and to push through it somehow with some kind of willpower that is just expected of you. Not to mention that even if you manage to get out there and try to get help, there’s no guarantee that you’ll find someone who understands the struggle and trauma that just comes with being a POC, or even worse, someone who tries to minimize what you’ve gone through.

Caity 27 Conner 34

...it’s going to be rough, it’s going to be hard, but it won’t always be like this, that you will have days where it’s really good, and you’ll have really bad days as well. Just keep moving forward and never give up, it’s worth it.

Stigma I don’t know how many times I’ve had to countlessly correct people from the term “dissacossating” and “dissociating”. I feel like the more Hollywood tries to portray this disorder the more they stray away from what it’s actually like. The fact it took me more than 15 therapists and 6 doctors to figure out what was wrong and how they barely have any knowledge from it as is because kids/teens/adults like me could end up being severely misdiagnosed and given medications that actually don’t help their system but causes more damage. The lack of help caused my disorder to get worse and makes me think I’m too crazy to ever get better. But the older I get, the more I realize it’s not my fault I’m like this and it’s not my fault for getting this worse. To cope with so much stigma, I try my very hardest to read positive things, to get my alters to do positive things and constantly telling myself and them that we are valid no matter what.

Misconceptions That life will never get better and that this disorder is nothing but damaging to yourself, when that is not the case whatsoever, yes its can be difficult to manage if you don’t know what your doing or you’re just freshly figuring it out, but just like all thing new when you discover it, that it’s going to be rough, it’s going to be hard, but it won’t always be like this, that you will have days where it’s really good, and you’ll have really bad days as well. Just keep moving forward and never give up, it’s worth it.

Everyday Life Well usually when something causes a flashback, it has a pretty harsh effect. It nearly stuns me more than half the time. If it’s bad enough an alter of mine will have to sort of steal the memory away before it causes damage that can’t be reversed. Other than that, my alters also have to deal with whoever the flashback might have upset and get them to calm down. That can affect my day greatly, plans I had will get canceled, conversations I’m having abrupt quickly, or if I’m in public I have to rush back home.

Advice that I would give to other systems with DID/OSDD is to have a lot of patience with yourself and with your alters, that healing and progressing takes time. That it’s okay to have bad days where you do absolutely nothing, because there’s always another day to try again. Sometimes you just need some time to make sure you’re okay. Even if all your energy is spent on concentrating and surviving, you still matter that it will get better to handle as the years go on.

Living with a Partner Try your best to keep the person you’re with informed on what is going on with you and your system. Your partner should always be willing to help you, but sometimes if they’ve been kept in the dark it makes it hard to respond properly as opposed to if they knew what you were currently feeling. Another good thing to do would be to make sure that you try your best not to allow yourself to isolate for an unhealthy amount of time. Sometimes there are things telling you to avoid the person you care about out of fear of becoming a burden, or some of the alters may just feel fear in their own way towards having another person so close, and this can cause you to subtly begin to distance yourself. It’s important to do your best to realize when that happens, and it’s not easy to see it on your own, so be sure to try and keep good communications with the person you’re with so they can maybe inform you on things you could be blind to, or even that your alters are making you blind to.

Reflecting On My Experience My experiences in mental health was a difficult struggle, being in foster care and never getting the right treatment or being refused care because they thought I was just being lazy, disruptive. I’ve always tried to advocate for mental health, researching and educating myself when others refused I should learn.

While my experience In the DID community from the beginning was fairly nice, but the more I followed the more I posted it felt like my voice wasn’t being heard compared to all these white systems, the more I saw Poc bodied systems get bullied or shut down in conversations or gatekeeping their experiences as well.

Samantha 32

In the course of my lifetime I’ve been hospitalized many times as an adolescent and every single one was pretty terrible from improper care of the kids that were held there, to staff members bullying the patients or seeing doctors that clearly don’t care about you. I honestly wish that there was more care in psych hospitals, and actually had people working that know what they’re doing and can actually be helpful. The experiences that I would like to see changed is to have more PoC therapists for People of Color that are able to more understand our trauma and racial experiences. 95% of the time all my doctors were old white people that would never give me the right diagnosis and mess up my treatment more.

Things that seem to never be able not being able to properly illustrate or describe PoC alters, or even members or understand that they can never experience our struggles and our pain just because they have PoC alters. Just as they are able to research materials to advocate, that they can also educate themselves how to do better and what they are doing is wrong. All I want for this community to be actually accepting to PoC members because at the end of the day you get the privilege to take care of yourself and get the proper help you need while we will always have to fight just to even be heard. That having PoC alters doesn’t excuse you from being racist and having a DID doesn’t mean you’ve experienced years of generational racism.

Thanks I want to express my gratitude for taking your time to have me speak about this, the DID/OSDD community has always been strong and resilient and I am proud to be a part of the community by sharing my experiences and life with others. I am a Caregiver and Storyteller. My system takes the stories of our trauma and mental health to tell and to educate others with art and words, I take care of my fellow systems when they need advice or just need a shoulder to cry on. I am always there to help others and use my resources to provide possible help. Remember to drink lots of water in this heat wave, and always remember that you are beautiful! You are valid and loved!

tem

ID sys D t r a e h n o i L the Emery from

System Instagram - @lionheartdid.system Emery’s Instagram - @pan_da_cakes ------ Toi Magazine ------

About Us Hey, my name is Emery, and I am the host of the LionheartDID system! I was born and raised in San Francisco, California. Some of my hobbies include playing piano, listening to music, writing, and volunteering. Most of my volunteering that I’ve done recently in person was at church. I am a Christian, and so is nearly half the system, but we don’t believe in converting others to what we believe. Being a Christian played a huge part in my life and my journey of recovery, and how I reacted when I was diagnosed with DID. Our Discovery Journey Discovering that I am part of a system and not just a singlet was scary. It was also reassuring, in a way. Because the thing is, a lot of events in my life were confusing. As a child, I remember being in school and being told “You knew this yesterday, why don’t you know it today?” I also remember being accused of lying, because I would do things and insist I didn’t (genuinely having no memory of doing such), and cheating on homework, because the handwriting was so different sometimes.

Little things that didn’t quite add up.

When we were diagnosed, I felt such a sense of shame. Like I must have done something wrong to deserve this, or that I was a bad person somehow because of it.

My therapist taught me that I was not flawed, or defective, or less than, and none of it was my fault.

When we were diagnosed, I felt such a sense of shame. Like I must have done something wrong to deserve this, or that I was a bad person somehow because of it. I was confused, and scared, and didn’t know who I could turn to for support. But slowly, I found my footing. I found an online community of people who knew the struggle of mental illnesses. I had a therapist who refused to acknowledge it the whole time I worked with her, but after over 3 years, I found an amazing therapist who would work with all of us. She taught us how to improve communication. She taught me that I was not flawed, or defective, or less than, and none of it was my fault. I was reminded that this was not a punishment from God. Rather, it was a protection. She reassured me that it was okay to be scared, and when I thought,, “What if I’m faking it? What if none of this is real and I’m just making it up for attention?” she said, “If you were faking it, you would know.”

Life since has been anything but easy. Yes, we have improved our ability to communicate with one another, using different strategies such as writing notes (whether on paper or on the phone), trying to listen to the conversations that are in the headspace when safe, and (in the case of many of the Littles) drawing pictures to express what is happening for them. We may not have the best communication with each other, as it is a constant work in progress, but we have come to a place of acceptance of one another. There are definitely days where I wished that I could get through just one day without dissociating. I hated not knowing what happened. And honestly, I still hate not knowing what happened. The black spaces in my memories make it hard for me to want to recover from my eating disorder, which stemmed from trauma that I both do and do not know about. And that scares me. There’s also a constant fear of hurting others and not knowing what I did or said. But thankfully, we have a wonderful best friend that is super understanding and supportive, and very patient with us. And I know that now, no matter what, we are not alone.

How Life Is Different For Us vs. Someone without DID One difference would definitely be memory. I imagine that you don’t have days where you forget your name, or your own birthday, how old you are, what just happened 5 minutes ago, or meeting someone multiple times and never remembering that you had met them before. I imagine that it’s easier to get things done. Trying to go to the supermarket and finding things in the basket while you’re checking out that you didn’t want or need,

especially foods that you don’t even like to begin with. I imagine that if you don’t have DID, you won’t be accused of cheating on homework that you did yourself because the handwriting changed. Or you’re able to start and finish tasks in one sitting a lot easier, because you’re not arguing the “right way” to do it. Finding yourself somewhere other than where you thought you were, or “waking up” only to find out that you didn’t even sleep to begin with, because someone else in the system was awake all night in fear that something bad will happen again. I think it’s easier to live life without the fear that you’ll do something wrong and you won’t even know you did it.

DID Stigmas, Stereotypes, & Misconceptions It certainly does get to us at times. At times, it makes us feel scared. There’s definitely a fear of being judged, or accused of lying for attention, or as an excuse to get away with doing something bad. The one thing we tend to do to try and cope with these thoughts and fears, is just remind ourselves that if someone is going to judge us for something we don’t have control over, that speaks loads more on who they are than who we are. It’s still hard at times, but it definitely helps us to remember that.

Some people seem to think DID is “fun” or “trendy”. There is nothing fun about surviving severe childhood trauma that you don’t even recall happening. I have had people say to me “Your disorder is so cool” as if it were an article of clothing I decided to wear. “I act like different people in different situations, too!” is not an uncommon response to hear. It’s not just acting differently in different situations. It’s literally being someone else and having no control over the situation, but having to take responsibility for anything that someone else in the system does or says. Or “It must be nice to not remember what happened to you. I wish I could forget it all.” And I think it’s really hurtful in a way. Essentially, I feel like by glorifying the disorder, you’re also glorifying childhood trauma indirectly. Nobody should have to go through that, ever.

What We Work Through Daily For us, “normal” is relative. A “normal” day tends to consist of 2-3 switches, sometimes more, and loads of internal arguments. It’s not uncommon to get dressed in the morning, leave to get to an appointment or meet with a friend, and by the time we arrive, the outfit has completely changed.

Some outfits make others in the system feel more dysphoric, so it’s hard to wear something that would appease everyone. Then there’s the factor of getting triggered while in public and quickly having to figure out what was happening and act like there wasn’t a problem at all. It takes much longer to get to our destinations if we’re alone and don’t remember to write it down in an app on the phone or somewhere that whoever ends up fronting will see. It’s essentially a lot of acceptance work. It’s hard to be dropped in the middle of a conversation with others and no idea what was being discussed, but sometimes you just have to go with it. So work on acceptance, even though it’s super hard. Because there’s nothing you can do to change the situation, but you can completely choose how you react to the situation you are given.

Thank You. Thank you so much for taking the time to read all of this. You are so amazing. You have persevered through so much, and you are overcoming obstacles every single day. And your strength is evident, every single day you choose to keep going. We know this because these were things spoken to us in our life, and now it’s time for it to be spoken into yours. You deserve happiness, and you deserved better than all the horrible things you had to survive to get to this point. We truly hope every single one of you who reads this finds your life worth living. Don’t give up, because as scary as it is, you matter to this world and you’ve already made an impact in the lives of so many that you don’t even know. And the world deserves to know your light.

Meg Hawkins ------ Toi Magazine ------

@brushstrokes_imagination Visit their Instagram for their artwork!!

About Us I was born and raised in Oklahoma City.

Until the winter of 1999 then moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma. August of 2019 we moved to Pleasant Hill, Mo. Our hobbies consist of anything creative like painting, journaling, gardening and cooking.

ADVISORY AND TRIGGER WARNING The next paragraph of this article contains vague yet graphic description of childhood sexual abuse and childhood trauma. If you are sensitive this information and this portion of Meg’s story, please do not continue reading and skip past the next paragraph.

Our Story.

We began painting at a very early age (3 years old). Art became our way of receiving praise from our family of origin. Throughout our life whenever the world around us crumbled or wasn’t making sense, art became our way of silently retreating to find our grounding.

In 1991 (our early adolescence) We were hospitalized for our first failed suicide attempt.

While in the hospital we were diagnosed with Multiple Personality disorder and severe PTSD. (Later known as Dissociative Identity Disorder and CPTSD) and Dyslexia. We were shuffled around the suburbs of Oklahoma City. In and out of treatment facilities, group homes, foster homes and shelters our entire teenage years.

In 2014 while in a recovery program I was encouraged to get in touch with the “little girl” who was lost and begin to learn her story. I learned to love her for who she was and not who she was shamed to be.

I began the process by glancing through family photos. There she was. As the paintings began to unfold, I was able to piece together so much of her/my story. She’d been neglected and ignored by everyone around her. She posed naked for photographs in her parents bed. She was a child in the middle of a smoked filled drug circle. She was a prop for the adults and environment around her.

There were characteristics that kept her individuality different from the adults around.

Other than the fact she was a child. She remains curious and imaginative, fearless and determined to share any and all the trauma.

She’s described how her body was abused and she felt trapped and paralyzed and her soul would hover above, while she laid helpless and overpowered by another larger body.

I began to fall in love with her, courage and ability to remain safe. The more the stories unfolded, her resilience kept me intrigued.

I learned compassion and empathy. And Learned to listen and trust our story of the personalities within me.

How Is Life Different For Us? Life is extremely different for those with DID’s. For us there is an enormous amount of emotion and internal chatter that goes on beneath the surface. We practice consciousness and pay attention even to the littlest of voices.

Folks without DID’s may be able to concentrate differently. We are typically all over the place with tiny projects here and there. Which usually means we’re not tending to one need in particular but many needs at once.

We have learned that DID is a remarkable coping skill. And It’s how our minds developed and adapted to the environment our body was in. One thing is certain: we will continue learning and growing together.

Stigma & Misconception The stigma that used to bother us most was the racism and judgement projected upon mental illness not being seen. If it’s not seen by the eyes as broken then it’s not real. Others shamming you into being “right” their “right.

Or being told we are lying when it is true for someone on the inside and being considered as flaky if we change our opinion.

consistency he demonstrates and has taught us. We have learned how to be more consistent with our internal system through his example.

Our Inner Growth One of the biggest impacts we have made internally is how we speak to ourselves, replacing what we once heard our family of origins, judgment and resentment or hateful undertones.

A common misconception about the daily life of DID’s is that there are more “people” there is more work that can be done. While this holds true for our days whenever the energetic ones are fronting. It’s not always the case that we are all willing to “do” the task at hand. An example of this; recently we were packing boxes to move to Missouri. Someone inside decided to use summertime pool floaties as padding for something breakable. It made sense to ‘some” And we gave them credit for their creativity but it made more work for us in the long run.

We are able to hear our voices with loving questions or redirection and reassurance.

Our needs as a child were severely neglected and we always looked outside ourselves for someone to make us happy or take the pain away. We now know we have all the help we need internally and if now we have new coping skills. Asking for help,asking questions and not assuming others know what we need. Even as simple as asking someone to listen and not problem solve has been a huge challenge in our ability to be seen, heard, and understood.

How We Work with Flashbacks & Triggers When our system has been triggered with flashbacks or anything trauma related, our body becomes tense and perfectly still. Then we pay attention to our breathing and the flashback, acknowledging that someone is afraid. If we are alone we journal detailing the flashback obsessively. If we are with someone we ask if we can share this memory advising of the trigger. For us if we “dump” we can usually figure out why the flashback presented itself.

Our Closing Words While we once felt ashamed of our diagnoses as if it were something hideously wrong with us. We found similar friends who we have accepted and chose to walk this journey beside rather than to lead or follow. By accepting them for who they are. We are able to be friends with our internal system just the same.

There are many moments that we struggle with being vulnerable. Some are willing to show up boldly. While others remain shy. We’re not all onboard all of the time and that is completely ok. We have learned that DID is a remarkable coping skill. And It’s how our minds developed and adapted to the environment our body was in. One thing is certain: we will continue learning and growing together.

Advice to Caregivers Advice for a caregiver, spouse or partner living in the home. Be patient, non avoidant, have personal boundaries, but don’t be controlling, be willing to listen if you are able. Expect and respect changes, be playful and level headed, but not authoritative. Our partner is very consistent, we feel extremely safe with the

Creating Incuna Inner Islands Connect with us @innerislands AND @thenovelmentalist

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About Inner Islands We are a second-year urban planning master’s student. We are employed as a graduate teacher’s assistant for different undergraduate courses throughout the school year. We spend a lot of time writing and have self-published both a poetry book and the first, Incuna, of a three-book series, Dissolved Girl Saga. We love to climb and spend a lot of time bouldering indoors; we regularly practice Mysore Ashtanga yoga.

We are vegan/anti-speciesist and have been since August 2009.

Inner Islands’ Journey For as long as we can remember, we have always had different and multiple senses of self. We would have emotions or lack of emotions that suddenly intruded and took over. We always had memory issues, and inconsistencies in the ways we related to ourselves and others, as well as to the way we perceived everything from music to the world around us. We did not know this was DID. In 2017, we were about to take a laboratory final for a chemistry class and were not prepared. We’d had no time to study, as the week before was spent out on a research trip for another class. We had a major panic attack, followed by dissociation, followed by the takeover of a feeling of arrogant intelligence. We now know those were different parts passing like a wave through the body and into executive control. Three of us were present to take the exam, and much to our utter surprise, we ended up acing it.

This was a significant moment for us, as it brought up our past major traumas related to school failures and academic probation.

Dissociative barriers had fallen so that we could succeed at school. That we can recall, following that event, four of us were suddenly aware of each other. It was such a strange feeling. It prompted us to start reading academic papers about different mental health disorders, eventually leading us to read primary literature about DID specifically, written by experts in the field.

The more we read and learned, the more our life started to make sense; everything just clicked. We began to see a therapist not long after and are still seeing that same therapist to this day.

We were self-diagnosed before we were professionally diagnosed, and denial still lingers behind the realness of our DID even to this day. In February of 2018, after several conversations about it in therapy sessions, our current therapist diagnosed us with DID. In March of 2018, we were diagnosed again with DID by an independent licensed clinical psychologist. Having the independent diagnosis was something we sought for ourselves, and it was costly (upwards of $1500+), took many interviews, and roughly a month – these are just a few reasons why getting diagnosed with a major mental health disorder like DID is so difficult for so many. If you follow this same path towards diagnosis, our advice would be to just be honest and be yourselves. Diagnosis or not,

you are real and valid, and no one knows you better than yourselves.

For every belief we have, we try to counter it with something that reinforces our value, reinforces our efforts, and reinforces why doing this matters to us and to the world. It has been worth all of it: every typo, every moment of fear, self-rejection, or desire to quit. Creators – be it writers, artists, musicians, etc. – who have DID/OSDD/CPTSD are so underrepresented, and we have every right to claim space in those creative realms.

All About Incuna The first book is called “Incuna” and is part of the Dissolved Girl Saga. Incuna is about a group of scientists conducting reproductive research on an Earth-sister planet. The story is set at the end of the 21st century. For the first 5 or so years that they’re carrying out this research, they’re all mostly unaware of the real reasons they’re doing this research – their employer has intentionally kept them in the dark, kept them from asking questions, and expecting them to exist in a state of complacency. As the scientists collectively progress through their reproductive research, one failed attempt after another, some novel events take place and they finally make a profound breakthrough.

Following the breakthrough, they start to develop a different understanding of and relationship with the planet, as well as each other. The scientists begin to have genuine, open, and honest communications with each other, allowing their relationships to flourish beyond professional ones.

Inspiration for Incuna Incuna sort of started as something that was purely a work of imaginative and straightforward fiction based on a dream we had, with little personal depth or influence from ourselves. It very quickly evolved into a completely different story that had so much of us layered into it. Before we knew it, our own traumas were pouring out onto the page in this fictional world based on parts of our inner world.

It’s hard to pinpoint our original intentions for creating Incuna, beyond merely wanting to be a writer. Currently, however, what makes us most passionate about writing and creating works like Incuna is to explore setting a precedent for characterization and representation of DID and OSDD. To write complexly traumatized characters that are actually accurate representations of what it’s like to live with DID and OSDD. System Members in Fiction Some of the characters and characterizations are based on some of us, not necessarily who we are now, but who our system has been comprised of in the past. We started this book towards the end of 2014, around the time when we really started to be introspective. We did not know we were a system at that time. But as we wrote, and kept writing, internally we were starting to come to terms with our reality, and our past. As this book unfolded, it was the first time we started to have some level of communication with each other – making ourselves known to each other (as much as we safely could) through these characters.

We wouldn’t know we were a system until three years later, however, in 2017. We were officially diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder in February of 2018, and again in March of that same year.

What we didn’t know when we first started writing Incuna and the conceptualization for the series as a whole, was that in a way, we were sharing our story with ourselves. The Dissolved Girl Saga is a retelling of our own life, in a fictional world set in an idealized yet realistic portrayal of the future.

The first book, Incuna, sets the stage for the creation of the Dissolved Girl. Incuna demonstrates natal and pre-verbal trauma, as well as insecure attachments to primary caregivers – the former is very common for those experiencing DID, and the latter is necessary for DID to occur (usually in the form of disorganized attachments).

Fulfilling Parts of the Writing Process Every cliffhanger, or big surprising reveal, brought us the most fulfillment and excitement. We were really able to imagine that anyone reading it would just be like, “What?! I did not see that coming!” There are a lot of those moments throughout the book, so for us, no one chapter is necessarily more or less enthralling or immersive than another. ​ e also really enjoy providing W as much detail as possible so that whoever is reading our books can really visualize what is going on. We have been complimented on our world-building abilities in our writing – a very humbling thing to hear.

Challenging Moments While Writing & Publishing The hardest part is editing and proofing after everything is written. Writing is transformative, and publishing is immensely rewarding. Editing and proofing are often what lengthens the whole process because it must be done many times over.

I would say that having DID, which means regularly dissociating and coming back to after an amnesic blank spell, makes the process even more difficult – but also much more fulfilling upon making any progress. I would also say that editing and proofing are difficult because, as a DID writer, we often forget what we have written and that what has been written is often a portrayal of the traumas we’ve experienced, and thusly we re-experience those traumas over every time.

Coping with Limiting Beliefs We’ve had limiting beliefs every step of the way – even now, they are pretty equally balanced with any confidence we have. If there are limiting beliefs, however, we always try to counter them with something that reminds of our value and why we’re doing this.

• Belief: “This book will never be finished; there will always be something wrong with it, something that needs correcting.” o Countered self-validation: “We have put so much time and energy into this book, so much of ourselves, the imperfections are what make

it real and human. If we have done our best and love it for what it is, that matters more than anything else.”

For every belief we have, we try to counter it with something that reinforces our value, reinforces our efforts, and reinforces why doing this matters to us and to the world. It has been worth all of it: every typo, every moment of fear, self-rejection, or desire to quit. Creators – be it writers, artists, musicians, etc. – who have DID/OSDD/CPTSD are so underrepresented, and we have every right to claim space in those creative realms.

Why Incuna Stands Out That we know of, we are the first of our kind – a fiction writer who has DID and writes characters that have DID and have experienced complex trauma. Time and again, DID has been heavily stigmatized and portrayed so inaccurately in fiction. We aim to change that completely. We intend to write and portray DID characters in a way that will likely be the most accurate portrayal in existence, a bold but honest statement. This is one of the reasons the Dissolved Girl Saga spans three books because, in reality, DID cannot be portrayed in just one (unless it were 1000 pages at least); the complexity of DID simply cannot be captured in one book.

The Dissolved Girl Saga may appeal to those with or without DID and similar disorders for many reasons.

It is set in the future in a fictionalized version of Earth that prioritizes social justice and the well-being of all life. Homelessness, poverty, and crime are virtually nonexistent because every human is provided a living wage for their labor as well as a living/housing stipend; further, multitudes of social programs exist in order to provide a high-quality standard of living to every human. Governments are unlike current governments – corruption is virtually nonexistent, capitalism has been abolished, billionairism and millionairism are nonexistent. Private and corporate interests never supersede social and environmental interests. This version of Earth and Earth society is not an idealist or unrealistic utopian, however, as there are still private entities that operate under the guise of noble intentions, but in actuality, have a duplicitous nature.

The Depth & Dimension of Incuna Incuna and the Dissolved Girl Saga as a whole, all have mature content. This means there is and will be sexual content, use of substances that can alter mental states, adult language, etc.

Everything we ever write will never be “what you see is what you get.” Everything exists in complex layers and should be examined from that lens. Everything from characters and their backgrounds, to the dynamics between characters, to the use of allegories and metaphors, to the utopian and dystopian qualities of the world, etc.

Never accept anything at face value. That would be our takeaway message to you. Everything has depth and dimension.

We are so honored that you have chosen to explore Incuna and any of our subsequent works.

We thank you so much for your support, it means the world. Be keeping an eye out for Occulta, the next book in the series; finally, we meet the dissolved girl!

Dana Hindi @theauthorside

@theauthorside ------ Toi Magazine ------

thewritersroomshow.co.uk

I would say that you shouldn’t give up, because then you might miss out on something that can keep you going forever.

About Dana I’m 20 years old, I’m a podcaster, published author, I host The Writer’s Room. I’m a 3 year University student. *Dana was interviewed in Fall of 2020. Please check out her Instagram for more updates on her endeavors and journey.

Dana’s Journey When I was a child, I was bullied quite a lot, across two different schools. I was put in segregated schools, so I was surrounded by all girls. I grew up in Dubai, and as great of a place as it is, I did not have a good experience growing up. Things started to get tough for me from elementary school and I don’t remember much of my childhood; I feel like everything is quite blurry. I had problems with suicidal ideations at a very young age, and I felt like I was alone a lot of the time. The issues I was facing weren’t being taken seriously by the adults around me and no one stepped in to help me when they should have. My only comfort was reading, and you could always find me with my nose stuck inside of a book.

Mental health is not something I had even thought about until I graduated and moved to the US. My first semester at university was incredibly tough, there were a few classes that I

didn’t do too well in, and I felt like things were advancing very quickly. It was as though one second I was at home and the next I was thrust into a world that was entirely different than my own. I didn’t know how to talk to people or how to introduce myself, I was incredibly anxious and overthought everything I said or did, even if it was something as simple as telling someone what major I planned to declare. I would worry about the tone in which I said something. I worried if I was taking people away from their work. I felt intimidated by the copious amounts of what I perceived to be far more attractive people than myself.

It was really only after I began to get used to life at university and make new friends that I began to face problems. After my first semester, I went back home to Dubai and the environment immediately had a devastating effect on me. I quickly fell back into my depressive state and I realized that it wasn’t only the pressures of school that had affected me growing up; but it was also the pressures from other people around me. I spiraled. I fell deep into holes out of which I thought I could never climb, and my mother noticed this, which is why she recommended I start therapy.

When I started therapy, I unearthed memories that I had pushed so far into the depths of my

brain where I could never reach them, and my mental health took a nosedive. I was diagnosed with depression because of that. There was an incident that occurred that caused me to lose sleep for multiple days and it was because I was so keyed up for so long that I was diagnosed with anxiety.

My OSDD did not come into play until a few months ago, where the amounts of free time I had over the break gave me insight into how time passed for me. Some days it was very quick, and I would be zoning out on a spot on the table for minutes on end, and sometimes they’d be long, where despite my zoning out, I felt every second pass but wasn’t able to regain control.

I remember how I explained these feelings to my counselor and the first thing she said was, “It sounds like dissociation.”

We kept an eye on it after that, I even kept a log of when it happened. It was established that I had several symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder, such as occasional derealizationdepersonalization, dissociative amnesia, the inability to cope with stress and pre-existing mental health disorders. But there was something important missing; the identities.

I showed no signs of having clear alters.

While I was on this journey of discovery, I was sometimes told that there was nothing wrong

with me and I’m being lied to, while also being called a disgrace among many other things, so it was very difficult for me to continue on with treatment since my recovery was not being supported because I “don’t look like I have anxiety.” Thankfully, I’m at university now, living in an apartment with a roommate and my cat, and I feel much better. I feel like I have room to be myself without anyone telling me that it’s wrong and I have space to breathe.

Try not to isolate and you should let yourself tell others about your pain. It’s important to let people in, and it can be scary but when you stumble on the right people, it’ll be worth a little fear.

Diagnosis, Connection, & Empathy I feel that it is easier to understand something when you can pinpoint it. As much as I don’t have control over it, it’s nice to know what it is and work towards understanding why it happens rather than being left in the dark.

Being in contact with people who have similar experiences is always really helpful because there are so many things that people just can’t grasp until they have experienced it. It’s disappointing to know that people who have never been to the depths of hell forget that hell exists. People lack empathy when they don’t understand something and it’s always helpful when you manage to stumble across someone who happens to know exactly what you’re talking about and exactly how you feel.

give lots of credit to the pain that I experienced for who I am today.

Healing Through Therapy & a Strong Support System Definitely behavioral therapy and a strong support system. Behavioral therapy involves someone equipped to help you work through trauma and strong support systems can pick you up when you fall, and they can help motivate you to keep going with your treatment. I believe that it is an essential balance when working on recovering. It’s nice to have someone or multiple someone’s to fall back on and people who were truly supportive of you would never kick you when you’re already down. For me, it’s been my parents and a great group of friends. I call them the Shenanigang.

Discovering Dissociative Disorders When I first heard of DID, I heard it as multiple personality disorder. I didn’t understand how common it was until I stumbled on DissociaDID’s channel a few years ago. They taught me a lot about it, and I remember feeling that I could relate to what they were saying. It was very educational, and I enjoyed watching their videos. I didn’t know what OSDD was until I was diagnosed, and I did a ton of research on it. That was when I got more involved in the online DID community and started using my platform as a means to educate. That sense of responsibility really kicked in after the community started falling apart.

Validating Experiences in the Face of Adversity I feel like I’m still in the middle of understanding that my diagnosis and what I went through is valid. I’ve had people invalidate my experiences and tell me that I’m delusional or that it’s not real or that I’m overreacting, and these therapists and counselors were lying to me because they wanted money and it’s still happening. A big turning point (although not necessarily the first example) for me was watching Anthony Padilla’s video where he spent time with people diagnosed with DID and Kyle of the DissociaDID system was very passionate about delivering his message and explaining everything. Another big turning point was when a content creator made waves online by spreading lots of misinformation and I think the disappointment that I felt when that happened and how people responded to that so negatively, surprisingly made it feel all that much more real.

The Most Challenging Part of Recovery So Far Probably the falling out of the online community so soon after I had decided to join it. It was heartbreaking to see so many great creators leaving their audiences and the community they had worked so hard to help build, and as someone who was watching it happen, I couldn’t stand by and watch. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, where if I stood by and watched people trickle offline one by one, the community would have died, and if I decided to join in and use my platform as a means to educate, I would be putting the absolute inner workings of my brain out in the open for people to put on blast if they wanted to. It was a big decision for me to take charge like that. I’m still learning how to better educate and how to do it more effectively, how often I should talk about it etc.…

What you resist will persist, so I feel like people trying to invalidate something makes it ten times more valid. It’s the same as when I was growing up; when people at school told me, I was not important and I was nothing, I made sure to come back at them ten times harder and I

The Most Harmful Stigma about Dissociative Disorders Probably the idea that it’s not real. It’s so damaging for someone to invalidate experiences and tell people that they were making something up or that they’re crazy. It’s damaging enough when people who tell you they love you

say things like that, and it’s tough when mental health professionals claim that they’ve seen no proof that it exists when there are so many trustworthy scholarly articles that provide evidence of its existence. In my opinion, it’s so much harder to be closed-minded than it is to be open-minded. When you’re not quick to judge and don’t have to build walls to block things from entering your space, you save loads of time and energy.

Advice For Those Trying to Heal I would say that you shouldn’t give up, because then you might miss out on something that can keep you going forever. Pain is the strongest fuel, and success is the best revenge. It’s a lot easier said than done, but it is possible. And if people around you don’t believe in you, just know that I do. Reach out to your friends because you have more in common than you think. Try not to isolate and you should let yourself tell others about your pain. It’s important to let people in, and it can be scary but when you stumble on the right people, it’ll be worth a little fear.

Gratitude & Motivation to Keep Going I am thankful for where I’ve ended up, and I’m thankful that I kept going. I appreciate my audience for supporting me and following the growth of my online presence, because I wouldn’t be anywhere without their support. The pain that I experienced as a child has been my biggest motivator, and when I was a kid, I made it my life mission to show everyone that I was not nothing. It was because of those people that I want to be a big something, and I’m trying my best to chase after those dreams that I’ve held so close since I was a kid. I don’t think I would be as driven if I didn’t have experiences to push me in that direction, and for that I am grateful.

I’m also grateful to Toi Magazine for letting me share so much of myself on their platform. Thank you to my parents, my friends and all those who support me for helping me get this far.

with My System Bobo and Co, I go by Bo. Bobo and Co

Boberrymilkshake

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About Bobo&Co I am from the South West of England and lived here most of my life. I am currently out of work so spend a lot of my free time making youtube videos, many random crafts or playing with my pet rats!

Bobo&Co’s Journey Although experiencing most of my symptoms with DID during my early teenage years, I didn’t find out I was a system until I was 19, when a couple friends had told me that they had spent the whole night talking with someone who “wasn’t Bo”, and were worried that I couldn’t remember. After hearing similar throughout my teenage years, it concerned me and I kept it in the back of my head. I went down a rabbit hole one day on youtube, was watching different mental health videos, one after the other, looking at all sorts of disorders until at 2am I stumbled across a video about DID. Suddenly it wasn’t just about curiosity anymore, this girl sounded a lot like me. She explained everything that I was experiencing and it was all starting to make sense. I thought back on the different names people knew me as during high school and the gaps in time, I thought back on a therapist telling me the voices in my head weren’t auditory hallucinations, so were nothing to worry about, at 14. That night we switched again, and my then partner met the same alter he met that night.

Over the next few months, while waiting for an appointment with the mental health team, I looked into anything I could about DID, anything to help me understand what was happening. I saw a few very stigmatising pieces of media, that really didn’t help with me or my ex in learning about the condition, and made their own view of me worsen. The TV shows and movies made my ex scared of my DID. Things then got put on hold when we went to America for a trip, which was extremely traumatic. When we returned home we were flooded with our symptoms, flashbacks, panic attacks and losing time. But luckily shortly

after this we received our appointment and our loose diagnosis.

We have been on the waiting list for therapy from the community mental health team since, because this has taken so long we have sought out private therapy and have only just started our sessions! It’s taken a while for us to get anywhere with the mental health teams and that’s really slowed our recovery. We have turned to our youtube channel in the meantime as it’s like our personal diary, it’s good to just rant to a camera.

Our life hasn’t changed that much since becoming diagnosed, other than the people we now know, People have definitely dropped out of our lives since finding out but we’ve also gained so many friends, that are also systems.

We are trying to work towards better system communication and I’m hoping that one day we can live without losing so much time.

Life as DID system It’s definitely a lot more hectic with a system, a lot more opinions and wants and needs, and not always working together. You’ll find objects have been moved or you’ve been off somewhere, so it’s never boring.

The Daily Effects of Stigma It definitely hurts when people share memes joking about the condition or joke that people with DID are serial killers or dangerous. None of us would ever want to hurt anything and it sucks that people say these things not knowing who can see it, who might be a system that they are upsetting.

Misconceptions About Being a System That you need to switch daily to be valid, that not switching in a couple days is uncommon or unhealthy. We only really switch when triggered, which isn’t every day, so sometimes can go days without switching.

Coping with Flashbacks, Amnesia, & Everyday Symptoms I think our common tactic to cope with flashbacks is dissociation, we spend a lot of time ‘Spaced out’ because of flashbacks so try our best to stay grounded. We have teddies and fidget toys to try to help with that too. We struggle a lot with amnesia and forgetting things, so we’ve tried to keep a bullet journal. This really helps us keep track of appointments and things we need to do, no matter who is fronting or who wrote it down. We have also started system tracking lately, to see who is out when, and it’s been really helpful to know who has been out when I, the host, am not out.

Advice for Partners of Systems Be patient, you might have to repeat things to other alters or help them through some things but I think mostly be accepting and believe them, believe who they say is fronting, believe what they say is a trigger or could be hard. It’s so lovely having multiple friends in one body.

The Rollercoaster Ride that is DID It’s always a ride with DID. Every day is different, even in quarantine and we’re doing the same thing everyday, it’s never the same. I’m learning more and more about my system and I’m learning more and more about my system each day and trying to learn to trust them.

Gratitude & Togetherness in the DID Community I’m so grateful for my system, they have gotten me through some awful times and are some of my best friends. I’m never truly alone. And I’m even more grateful and thankful for my audience.

They listen to everything, all my ups and downs and always support me. I’m so so grateful for everything this community is and has built, I love seeing everyone else’s journey online and being able to share my own. I’m so lucky and I’ve met some of my closest friends through this community.

Our Quick Insight on Being A

System & Dating!

Lumos System @lumossystem

@the-lumos-system

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About Lumos System We are from Michigan, are a student in college, and love to play video games with our partner system.

Their Journey We were diagnosed a few months ago by a professional in our city. We knew something was up when our host would dissociate at work and lose time, about 5 to 10 minutes at a time and would often talk to the rest of the system as though we were really in front of her. She would often mention feeling like she has our fictive a as real friends in her head, which she did. Since we got diagnosed we have been with one guy who broke up with us because another alter wanted to date someone that wasn’t him and he didn’t want us to be polyamourous. After him we met our current partner. They are amazing and their system is super supportive of us being polyamourous. We love the Lavender System. They also pushed us to want to do this and get out of our comfort zone.

Shame and Dating?

Not really, most of us just stayed in the background in headspace while our host, Z, would be with her partners.

How Dating Has Changed A bit, now we let people know that we’re a system before things get serious.

Dating with DID It’s definitely more complex of a connection because you also have to be able to be civil around other alters.

Any Misconceptions?

So many! Our previous boyfriend thought that we were crazy and even told us so.

Partner System We actually met online in a discord server for people with DID/OSDD

We love the Lavender System. They also pushed us to want to do this and get out of our comfort zone.

Assistance from Partners We rely on lots of hugs and cuddles from our partner system. We also typically tell them when we have flashbacks or forget something and because we also have memory issues outside of our OSDD they have to tell us things lots.

Alters Dating It’s a bit complicated seeing as how we’re dating another system. We all just

kind of understand that the people who are dating are dating and if anyone has feelings for one of their alters they say so and see how things go from there within the two systems.

Final Words We love our whole community and support all the systems out there! Hugs to you all and stay strong!

Our Experience with

Recovered Memories Pink Camo System About Pink Camo System We enjoy painting, gem art, crocheting, and drawing. We are originally from California, but spent a lot of our life in Kansas.

Try and have as much support as possible.

Their Journey Our journey with DID is that it took us about 20 years to finally get diagnosed. We were once told that we had multiple personality disorders, however, at that time in our life, we were not trying to hear that and therefore just left that psychiatrist. When we moved to our current state, we saw a wonderful psychiatrist that was gentle and kind and explained to us that DID was not the horrible sentence that I thought it was.

I was finally able to come to terms with my DID and learn to work with my system.

Recovered Memories Recovered memories are memories that finally, after time, the brain says okay its time for the person or system to know this knowledge. It is usually brought on by something that reminds the person of the abuser or the abuse that happened during said memory. Is it similar to a flashback?

Yes, in a way that you are brought back to that awful time but no in the sense that not all recovered memories come with body memories attached but some do, everyone’s experience with recovered memories will vary.

Coping with Recovered Memories We cope with our recovered memories by 1 by reminding ourselves that we are now

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grown and now safe. we 2 using mindful thinking coping skills as those are very effective for us. we 3 rely heavily on our psychiatry team and our family. Without these things we would find it very hard to cope with our recovered memories on an ongoing basis.

Misconceptions with Recovered Memories I feel a misconception about recovered memories is that you just wake up one day and you have all your memories back. That is not how it works your trauma memories come back to you slowly in bits and pieces at least that has been our experience.

Daily Life Support Trying to deal with flashbacks, amnesia, etc while trying to have a normal day is just the things people with DID/OSDD1 have to deal with on a daily basis. My advice for any of them would be to try and have as much support as possible. Whether that is an online group, family, psychiatry, etc. We all need people in our corner in order to keep pushing on.

Supporting Loved Ones For spouses, caregivers, partners etc. If you believe that your loved one is in the middle of a recovered memory. Please do not touch them or come up from behind them(I have found to be helpful for me.). Talk to them in a soft soothing voice but if they do not respond please give them their space and allow them to come to you when they are comfortable.

Take recovery

one step at a time

and choose

what is

for YOU.