M A G A Z I N E o c t . / n o v . 2 0 1 9 i s s u e n o . 1 9
I FEEL ALONE. THIS HAS TO BE MY FAULT...
ADHD DOES NOT MAKE YOU LESS THAN. ADHD Coach Amy Egizii guides you to understand how your brain works and why ADHD is NOT a ticket to fail.
INFERTILITY AND
MISCARRIAGE LOSS
THE TRUTH ABOUT
LIVING WITH
MENTAL HEALTH IN THE WORKPLACE
with Author and Founder of MHI, Stephane Grenier
w w w . t o i m a g a z i n e . c o m
PTSD on the cover: Ayla and Caleb Langford
T A B L E
O F
C O N T E N T S
Unleashing the Power of Understanding ADHD Mental Health in the Workplace The Truth About Living with PTSD, Anxiety, &/or Depression Redhead Mare "Finding Your Cape" Miscarriage & Infertility
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ADHD. IT'S A DIAGNOSIS, NOT A DEATH SENTENCE.
ADHD Coach and CEO of "Mind Over Scattered"
AMY EGIZZI @mindoverscattered www.mindoverscattered.com
ABOUT AMY I currently live outside of Seattle with my awesome almost teenaged son. Before I was a coach, I worked as a school counselor for over 20 years. I specialized in middle school kids and had a lot of practice helping them succeed in school while minimizing the preteen angst and drama. When I am not working or acting as the neighborhood uber driver, I love to read, travel to new places, and cheer on my favorite football team.
ADHD IS FAKE??? ADHD is definitely real! It is a diagnosis that has been around under various names since the 1960’s. The problem is that there is so much misunderstanding about what ADHD really is. So many people have this idea that ADHD is about wiggly second grade boys who don’t know how to sit still and helicopter parents who use drugs to calm them down rather than actually parent their child. It just isn’t the case. Yes, someone with ADHD may have lots of energy and act impulsively. However, you could have inattentive type and be able to “sit still” but have a difficult time with memory or finishing what you start or controlling your emotions. Girls can have ADHD. Adults can have ADHD. Smart, successful people can have ADHD.
A D H D S U P E R P O W E R S MY "WHY" WITH ADHD COACHING For a long time I had dreamed of running my own counseling practice. When I decided it was time to make my dream a reality, I was drawn to coaching and how positive and results oriented it was compared to therapy. I also was diagnosed with ADHD several years ago and it was a game changer--lots of little things in my life began to make so much sense! After that, I realized how many people might be truly struggling and not even realize the reason why, let alone have tools to help them cope. I believe I have a great combination of professional training and personal experience that allows me to coach my clients without any shame or judgment.
The latest research gives us new information about how ADHD works. We have known for a long time that people with ADHD have less dopamine, a chemical that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. Dopamine gets released in your brain when you can expect a reward. It lights up a part of your brain that helps you feel great so you want to do that behavior again. If you have a lower amount of dopamine, you won’t be as motivated by rewards of a job well done, which can explain why motivation can be challenging for people with ADHD. We are also learning that the structure of an ADHD brain is different. Those brains are structurally different and the areas that control focus and attention are smaller than typical brains. Brain scans have also shown the areas the work as filters do not make as strong of connections. I describe it to some clients as if you have one traffic officer trying to direct 5 lanes of traffic coming in 7 different directions. Between less neurotransmitters and weaker filters, those brains are working hard, but they have a difficult time managing 60,000 thoughts a day!
I can relate to my clients because I have been right there in the trenches with them. I have had many of the same struggles they are facing-and I still struggle with them at times. I feel that this makes it so much easier for my clients to have someone who truly gets it. It can be embarrassing to admit you lost track of time playing on your phone for hours, or that you tried to take a shorter way home and ended up completely bogged down in traffic because you forgot to make a turn or two. Once they find out laundry is my nemesis too, and yet I’m still doing okay we can get a lot done. My clients also appreciate that I can be real with them too-because successfully managing your ADHD means that sometimes you have to get a little bit of tough love. So they know that I will lovingly hold them accountable and help them achieve those goals they want to achieve.
ADHD IN ADULTS VS. ADHD IN CHILDREN Adults and children will share a lot of the same symptoms of ADHD. Some kids may grow out of symptoms like hyperactivity, but a lot of the symptoms remain. By the time kids with ADHD reach adulthood, they have learned how to adapt and cope in society, but they still may have those symptoms One big difference is so many adults don’t know that they have ADHD. These days it is much more common for someone to recommend ADHD testing for kids than 30 or 40 years ago. In fact, it is not uncommon for me to get clients when they have a child diagnosed with ADHD & then realize those symptoms in their kid seem pretty familiar…….
AM I A FAILURE BECAUSE OF MY ADHD BRAIN? This is such a good question and it really drives why I do what I do. Even if you don’t have ADHD officially but you think you might, you are usually plagued by the feeling that there is something very wrong with you. We have been told since a young age not just that we aren’t doing things right, but that we are lazy or stupid. We see people with the same abilities pass us up. We try and we fail so many times. My most important bit of advice is to give yourself some freedom to accept that your brain works differently. When we bury ourselves in shame and guilt there is not really room for growth and improvement. I always remember when a coach asked me what I had done so wrong to be so ashamed of myself. Had I committed a crime? Caused bodily harm to another person? It really stopped me in my tracks. Can I forget details? Yep. Do I lose track of my keys? Absolutely. Does my house look immaculate? HAHAHAHA. But that is not worth feeling shame. Feeling ashamed or guilty should be for things much higher on the big deal scale than putting away the laundry. Paradoxically, as soon as I stopped feeling ashamed of my ADHD symptoms, the easier they were to manage. I think we don’t focus enough on the positives that people with ADHD can bring to life. When you can think so quickly and so creatively, you are a natural problem solver. I have worked with people who had ADHD who have been consultants and found solutions to things that had stumped everyone else. I have had several clients who are very successful as nurses or emergency personnel because they excel at responding and adapting quickly to changing situations. So many of our great inventors, musicians, and athletes have had ADHD-from Leonardo DaVinci to Thomas Edison to Simone Biles. It is pretty easy to get frustrated with all the things people with ADHD struggle with, so it is great to be reminded of ADHD superpowers!
IS SUCCESS POSSIBLE WITH ADHD? Absolutely! Once you learn to get out of your own way-you can do all kinds of things. You don’t get to choose your brain, but you get to choose how you will work with it and how you can achieve the goals you want to achieve.
You are a natural problem solver. HELPING YOU TO FOCUS AS AMY'S CLIENT
For my clients it is often a combination of things. Some of my clients take medications, but some do not. My successful clients will do little things like having a place where your car keys live, or paying bills on certain days of the month. They also find that getting as much nutritious food and good sleep as possible is a big help! Of course, sometimes you need to get some help from someone who understands what ADHD is like. And that is where I come in. People come and see me to get help with things like time management, or organizing their clutter, or working on their focus issues like procrastination or hyperfocus. We work on getting over that awful feeling of being completely overwhelmed by life. Once my clients understand how their brain works, it is so much easier for them to get to work!
UNDERSTANDING YOUR BRAIN My private practice is all about helping people realize that understanding how your brain works allows you to work! I am passionate about helping people with ADHD or worry that they might be lead productive, successful lives. I spend at least 8 sessions with my adult clients and we start with the basics-how your brain works & how to organize your brain to get stuff done. Then I customize with each client what they need based on their goals and where they might have struggles. I have helped clients do everything from quit procrastinating and finally cleaning out their garage already to really focusing on what they want out of a career and making those changes. With my clients who have kids, we do a lot of the same things and I am also available for help with school issues. I love being part of a team that helps kids succeed and creating plans that work for everyone at schoolkids, parents, and teachers. Having 20 years of experience working in schools helps me to communicate with everyone in a reasonable way that supports the student. I have many different tools in my toolbox that I like to use. I like to find out where my client’s executive function strengths & weakness are through different surveys. I use different levels of worksheets and homework. For kids I have books in my library and activities adapted to their age level. My main materials help my clients see how their minds work. We do lots of mindset work and how what we think affects how we feel and act. I help my clients look for results and teach them how to make their brain work to get what they want to achieve.
SUPPORTING SOMEONE WITH ADHD
STRIVING FOR ACCEPTANCE
My best tips for someone with a loved one with ADHD are-Help your loved one to provide structure that supports them. This can mean having a simple, consistent bedtime routine, or establishing a place where important things like car keys or backpacks “live”, getting enough exercise & sleep. It can also mean not overwhelming them with too many choices or directions at one time.
I think people with ADHD are striving for acceptance-both accepting themselves and having their loved ones accept them for who they are. We all want to belong and feel worthy and I don’t think people with ADHD are any different on that. Ultimately it is about making peace with who you are in this world and living a life that brings you joy.
IN CLOSING
-Pick your battles. For some people with ADHD-if that laundry on the floor is out of sight, it literally is out of their mind. For other people, time is always going to be an issue because their brain “sees” time differently. Find one or two things to focus on and why those issues are important to you, and see if you can find common ground with your loved one.
I am so lucky to have one of the best jobs in the world. My own ADHD journey has been successful from the support of generous coworkers (who suggested I might be part of the tribe) to wonderful friends and family and clients. I’m grateful for my own squad of ADHDers who help me laugh at the times the squirrels in my brain go nuts and my fellas who keep me grounded.
-Remember why you love them! Yes there can be lots of frustrations, but there are definitely perks of having a quick thinker who sees things in a new way.
Visit Amy's Instagram or site to enroll in her 1-on-1 custom ADHD coaching if you need help getting on track OR back on track again.
-Put on your own oxygen mask first. This can be especially important for parents who have children with ADHD! It can be hard to keep up with someone who has a brain that runs like the Energizer Bunny. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself-we all have more patience when we are not stressed and overwhelmed ourselves.
CHECK IN ON YOUR LOVED ONE WITH ADHD Three things that I have seen work almost like magic with ADHD clients are compassion, positive feedback and check ins. I think first of all, it is so important to know that it is HARD to have ADHD and if people could change it easily they absolutely would. My clients and I don’t like letting people down-it’s awful! I get it-it is so easy to get frustrated with ADHD symptoms. So if your loved one asks for help about something they are struggling with, it is because they really do need the help--even if it is something you might think is trivial. What many parents, teachers, and loved ones don’t always seem to understand is just how critical of themselves people with ADHD can be-thinking about how much you suck is almost like background music running constantly in ADHD brain. So any time you can give someone with ADHD some positive reinforcement, you are giving them something to help counteract all that negative self talk. The other thing is to check-in with your loved one who has ADHD. The symptoms of ADHD can be stronger when a person is under stress. If you notice someone you care about is struggling even more with showing up on time for your plans, or seem to be either super distracted or so focused you can’t pull them away, it is helpful to ask if everything is going okay. This is a tough one too because let’s face it-it can be super annoying to have a friend that seems flaky or not caring. However, if you can phrase it in such a way as “I notice that you are really having a hard time with this, is everything ok” it seems to be a key to open up a conversation in a non-judgmental way.
Founder of Mental Health Innovations and Author of "After the War"
STÉPHANE
GRENIER
www.stephanegrenier.com
s_grenier
STÉPHANE'S JOURNEY In 1994 after serving in the Canadian Military for a decade I was deployed to Rwanda, a small African country going through civil war and in the midst of a genocide. I was told on a Wednesday morning to pack and left Canada two days later. Little did I know at the time that when I landed in Rwanda amidst gunfire and mortar shells landing on the airport that this had marked the first day of the rest of my life. A husband and father of two young children, the next ten months would shape a new passion for me in helping others but not before I would sink into the depth of mental illness with repeated attempts to die by suicide. As I recovered, it started to become very clear that it was very hard to recover from mental health challenges such as those I was experiencing exclusively through medical support. I realized that the small doses of support I was receiving from others would galvanize my therapeutic gains and eventually accelerated my recovery. I then started to shape concepts and bring to life very meaningful interventions for workplaces. After retiring from the military after 29 years of service I founded Mental Health Innovations and today help businesses of all sizes and from all sectors rehumanize their workplace. I focus of two key aspects: Peer Support by employees for employees as a complement to clinical care and shaping a workplace culture where leaders are human and vulnerable and capable of supporting all the while maintaining productivity.
The Drive to Create After the War It is a funny and perhaps nontraditional path to writing a book. In 2010 I began to speak publicly about my concepts and ideas pertaining to workplace mental health and as my word started to gain traction in the conference industry and as I started to be invited to speak more and more, I received an email from a conference organizer who was asking me to consider bringing copies of my book for their book store point of sale and to also considered a book signing session after my key note. Not having a book of course, I responded as such and I noticed their genuine confusion and disappointment. Half a year later I was delivering a speech near Toronto, our largest city in Canada. The night before my speech a psychiatrist friend of mine, Dr Don Richardson and his spouse Angela organized a casual dinner with a few other clinicians in the area interested in my work. It was during this diner that they ganged up on my and in a friendly manner insisted with me that I should write a book. It was 2015. The book would take a year to write and another year to be published.
direct contact with community mental health organizations who are underfunded and do what they can to support members of their community struggling with mental health challenges. Reflecting back on my own journey, I realized that while stigma had been alive and well around me, I had the benefit of having a few individuals who seemed to be supportive based on their understanding that my condition had been caused by a very tangible set of circumstances. They had seen news casts form the war and the genocide and this reality in their mind probably helped legitimize my condition in their eyes which allowed in turn to support me. Most civilians will not have these sets of circumstances and as a result, people around them see no obvious reasons that can help them understand the struggle and legitimize the conditions. So, upon retiring from the military I decided to serve my country in a different way and help reshape how workplaces and how the mental health system supports people.
THE
nontraditional path to writing a book. Trauma Hardship and Trauma In fact, I believe I do not have PTSD. As my book concludes I make the point that in North America we seem to be trauma obsessed and only seem to grasp trauma and PTSD as the basic construct for the hardship many humans face over the course of their lives and the ensuing medical diagnostics condition that surfaces as a result of this hardship. Since the Vietnam war and the modern interpretation of the aftereffects of war, PTSD has now become the mainstay in society and workplaces including of course first responder organizations and the military. Nowadays it seems our ability to describe and understand hardship has been reduced to one word : Trauma.
The Issue with Mental Health in the Workplace It’s not so much what is not said but what has become the focus and the trend these days that I see as problematic. Workplaces, and in fact, we as a society , think that talking will resolve the problem we currently face.
While I certainly do not want to underscore the importance trauma can play in injuring someone, my belief is that human hardship extends well beyond the boundaries of trauma. In fact, I also believe that we are doing a disservice to those who may have experienced hardship of another type when we immediately conclude that trauma is the cause and PTSD is the outcome.
Part of the problem is this: ISOLATION. Most people who struggle with a mental health challenge think they are the only person going through what they are going through. If they get into care, seeing a clinician every couple of weeks and taking anti-depressants is not enough. People don’t live in the clinics. They live out there, in society, spend lots of time at work. We need to ask ourselves who supports these individuals between clinical appointments. Many have no one they can relate to and as such they are navigating the complexities of recovery alone. Ironically and unbeknown to them, there are in fact dozens of individuals in their immediate surrounding who have traveled down the same path and have the skills and wisdom to share to support recovery and provide hope.
Mental Health in the Workplace After serving in the military, I worked for two years on a National mental health initiative that brought me into contact with organizations form various sectors of the Canadian economy and realized that the gaps that existed in the military workplace were also present in all workplaces. Also, my work brought me into
In the corporate I have seen the proliferation of what I would amount to good intentions such as put out pamphlets on mental health, changing a few sentences in their corporate policies, engaging in social media campaigns and even creating occasions where a brave employee will tell their story in front of others. All this under the guides of removing barriers to
care and reducing stigma. In fact, there is now an entire industry of people out there including stars, personalities, politicians’ athletes who now tell their stories. I don’t want to be a glass half full person here, but we have heard it all now. It is not much of a novelty nowadays for yet another personality to come out and tell the world that they had problems. My opinion is this. In the moment, it does have a positive effect on people who are struggling. To hear that someone they respect or perceive as successful also has a mental health problem does have a positive effect in that it will legitimize and validate what they are going through. It does provide a small dose of hope as the person struggling will think “if that person was able to recover then I can recover as well”. While this is a step in the right direction it does fall short in truly providing actual support. Its not that we have done it all wrong. Its that we can’t stop here. We have talked. Its now time to walk the talk and create sustainable meaningful accountable supports for individuals so that they have people to connect with between those clinical appointments. People need peer support as a complement to clinical care.
them going through a mental health challenge. So. I say it's not 20 to 25% who experience mental health challenges but 100%. As such, we better start innovating and stepping out of the beaten path a little to resolve this global problem. This is the overarching message in the book and also of my blog www.stephanegrenier.com. Before moving on, I do want to take a moment and acknowledge the critical role my coauthor, Adam Montgomery, played in turning a bunch of short stories into a book. I will forever be grateful to Adam. Supporting A Loved One Diagnosed with PTSD 1 – Find supports other than clinical support for the person struggling. Clinical care is important but when people struggling with mental health challenges take their own life and die by suicide they do not do so in their doctors’ offices. Chose wisely. Screen and visit the resources and establish the level of non-clinical service available before asking your loved one to connect with them. Most clinicians will agree that other supports are critical, and they may have a few suggestions to make as to where to draw those complementary supports.
"every person on this planet will experience a mental health challenge themselves or be in contact with someone close to them going through a mental health challenge." Mental Health Innovations (MHI) I created MHI to focus on all the non-clinical aspects of what the mental health system and workplaces need to do to create a full suite of services and supports for people. AT the surface when you look at what we bring to the industry, it appears like we are just another company delivery mental health services to clients. When you scratch below the surface you discover that we do things differently. Quote (Stephane with MHI at the CMHA Alberta Working Stronger Conference #WorkplaceWellness #MentalHealthMatters) "We need to look at our employees through the lens of recover not through a sick/well lens when it comes to mental health. Workplace narratives should be more about support for co-workers who are going through a rough time and less diagnostic labels. Healthier workplaces are the ones who accept human beings with all their baggage and find ways to create supportive communities of care." Not A Catalyst, But A Different Perspective Contrary to popular belief, writing the book was not a catalyst for me. I did not write it to process unresolved issues and better understand myself, I wrote it to provide a different perspective on an issue that affects every human on the planet. Either directly or indirectly, it is guaranteed that every person on this planet will experience a mental health challenge themselves or be in contact with someone close to
2 – Find support for yourself in your own right. The journey might be difficult for the person with the diagnosis, but it is equally difficult for the loved one. In fact, in many cases, by the time the person with the diagnosis starts to recover the loved one who has been supporting for years often starts to struggle themselves. Their will be a price to pay at some point for being that family caregiver. SO DON’T do all this alone. Don’t lose yourself. Read my book and get my former wife’s perspective. She has a voice in my book. Gratitude In closing, I want to share with readers that I feel very fortunate with the path my life took. There were rough years but having the privilege of today working with corporations and the health care system and bring a dose of humanity back into the game has not only been a game changer for those we work with but a game changer for me personally.
Understanding
ANXIETY WITH
ANTHONY GLENN
HTTP://WWW.AMAZON.COM/AUTHOR/ANTHONYGLENN H_ANATOLI (PERSONAL USAGE IG ACCOUNT)
SUMMER ESCAPADES
ABOUT ANTHONY
AUTHOR OF NATURE OF PANIC ATTACKS AND MORE!! Why Did I Create The Nature of Panic Attacks? Currently, I live in the Middle East where I arrived from the U.S. to work for a large international corporation. But I consider that my main mission is to help people in their self-development, which is actually the key to a balanced life without anxiety and depression.
this topic became very real to me. I had been facing panic attacks alone for a certain time, went through recovery, and know how hard it is to live with this condition. This is why the issue of anxiety is very close to me. I feel that I can help people by sharing my personal experiences and methods for coping with panic attacks. Also, I observed some of my colleagues succumb to anxiety after working in adverse competitive professional environments. I can recognize the reasons for it and can see certain patterns that help cause this condition, because I went the same way myself some time ago.
“THE MORE YOU KNOW ABOUT PANIC, THE SAFER YOU WILL FEEL.” Why Did I Create The Nature of Panic Attacks?
Advice For Those Struggling with Anxiety
this topic became very real to me. I had been facing panic attacks
If you can, read some how-to information about your situation. One
alone for a certain time, went through recovery, and know how hard
of the main ideas in my book Nature of Panic Attacks is, “The more
it is to live with this condition. This is why the issue of anxiety is very
you know about panic, the safer you will feel.”
close to me. I feel that I can help people by sharing my personal experiences and methods for coping with panic attacks. Also, I
Do not isolate yourself or struggle in silence. Reach out for help,
observed some of my colleagues succumb to anxiety after working in
because healing is possible. Depression and anxiety are the most
adverse competitive professional environments. I can recognize the
common mental illnesses in the world. Fortunately, they are very
reasons for it and can see certain patterns that help cause this
treatable conditions.
condition, because I went the same way myself some time ago.
Depression & Anxiety Depression was the second stage for me after suffering from anxiety. Some events in my life just opened a way for me to fall from anxiety into depression. And it is a different feeling—it’s a very heavy condition for a suffering person. But what’s promising is that depression is highly treatable. Traditional medicine and time will definitely help. Again, I had the personal experience of living through those episodes, and I am happy that my books Nature of Depression and Nature of Panic Attacks give information and hope to people that recovery is possible. I can say that my path to recovery was the inspiration to write these books.
Your Mental Health IS Important
“What’s on your mind?” is actually a chapter in The Nature of Panic Attacks which goes to the root of anxiety problems. Again, I would love to suggest that people practice mental hygiene. It will resolve many other problems, not only anxiety and panic attacks.
Supporting A Loved One Give them your love and be patient. They need it. Be selective with the words you say to them. For example, do not tell them to get a hold of themselves or that other people struggle much more than they do, etc. Instead, tell them, “I’ll try to understand what you are feeling and can only guess how difficult it is for you right now, but we will overcome it together.”
Mental health is as important as physical health as part of our well-
As I said before, be selective with your speech with depressed people.
being. Without mental health, there is no happiness. So in the same
Motivational words do not work or help. Be supportive, kind, and
way we care about our bodies, we also need to care about our
patient.Regarding panic attacks, I dedicated a chapter on “How to
mental health by using mental hygiene. You can discover how to do
help someone with panic attacks or a panic disorder” where I
this in my book, Mental Hygiene: How to Change your Mind.
describe techniques on how to help. Here are a few of them:
Behavioral Patterns Not Talked About Enough
Be there, stick around Stay calm yourself
I would say it is our own behavioral patterns (not talked about
Remind your friend they’re not crazy. Remind them it’s just a panic
enough). If you are living with a constant rush for achievement, are a
attack.
perfectionist and over-responsible, live with resentment, anger, or
Make sure that they have enough space.
envy, and you suppress these toxic feelings and emotions, expect
Suggest moving to a quiet spot.
them to explode someday. They can manifest as a panic attack,
Ask proper questions.
which is probably the mildest result of suppression, or even much
Help them breathe calmly and slowly.
more serious health problems, which I do not wish on anyone.
Help them to focus and stay present.
Common Misconception Most people who haven’t experienced such conditions think that it is only a matter of taking control of your life and you can overcome these illnesses. But they do not understand that depression/anxiety sufferers often do not have the energy to even lift a book. The process of healing is not only about willpower. It is a complex set of actions, and with the help of modern medicine, willpower can be useful once the person finds their footing and is already on their way to recovery.
Closing Words As a person who has gone through anxiety and depression, I can say that I came out of it stronger and more knowledgeable. Knowledge is power. And I am happy to share my knowledge with you through my books. I wish my readers mental well-being, peace of mind, a balanced life, and much more happiness to come.
o l l e H ! ! s l a t e P
Jessica Emily @littlestladyofficial
@littlestladyofficial @ l i t t l e s t l a d y _ www.littlestlady.com
A Bit About Myself... Hello! My name is Jessica! I am 25 years of age and though I am originally from England I moved to New Zealand 4 years ago. I am the owner of the blog littlestlady.com where I talk about my recovery from childhood abuse and mental health difficulties. I was severely abused by my mother who was my main abuser and also suffered sexual abuse and later two assaults. I was left with a severe form of OCD and PTSD and left to rebuild my life from the very start. I went on to try various forms of therapies and eventually found one that completely changed my life. I have now been free of both OCD and PTSD symptoms for nearly 5 years now! I now blog as my full time job and have appeared in magazines and radio shows all over the world teaching people that recovery is possible and that a life after trauma is possible!
I understand your pain...
Here's my story. I was diagnosed with both PTSD and OCD after my two assaults. Though I have a long history of trauma it was the assaults that triggered my disorders. Before that I had no signs or symptoms of anything. I went on to try every therapy under the sun from basic counselling to NLP therapy and after spending a good chunk of my life going in and out of therapies I eventually found a CBT therapist that completely changed my life. I went on to not only learn about the disorders and how I had developed them but also key aspects of my abuse and cycle of abuse that had gone back generations through my family. Learning so much about my life quite literally set me from what happened to me and slowly my PTSD symptoms including flashbacks and intense nightmares subsided. When I learnt about my OCD and why I was completing my rituals and how closely linked all my behaviours was to my abuse my OCD slowly released me from its clutches too. After months of intense exposure therapy, completing tasks and daily bouts of homework I became free of my disorders. Hardest Part of My Journey My therapy with OCD was based on exposure therapy so I was quite literally facing my fears. That aspect of recovery was really tough and learning to trust myself was hard. With my PTSD though learning about my life was hard I found it fascinating above anything. What Do You Feel Isn't Talked About Often With PTSD & OCD? Just how hard it truly is. People don’t realize we have no control over these things and how much it can consume us. Though there is no real way to explain just how hard it is. Also another thing that's not spoken about enough is that with time, patience and hard work we can recover from these things. I truly from the bottom of my little heart believe in recovery and that its possible especially because of my own story and learning about others! Victim Blaming I was victim blamed during all aspects of my abuse. I
was told my main abuser abused me as I had left school due to bullying which was apparently ‘naughty’ and left me ‘under her feet’ and a ‘nuissance’. I was also blamed for my sexual abuse as I was told by my grandma that I was asking for it due to how I had started to dress (which is how you see me now) and also blamed for my assaults due to various aspects of my personality like being shy and quiet. Not only did other people blame me but I began blaming myself for what happened to me. It was only after going into therapy and learning about my abuse that I learnt that what happened to me wasnt my fault and that no aspect of any abuse is the victims fault. My Lowest Point I was at my lowest point trapped inside my home completing these rituals day after day and being intensely frightened of all aspects of life. Once I hit that point something inside me wanted change and I became determined to recover. The Person That Has Helped Me During My Recovery Journey... My CBT therapist 100%. I walked into that room and felt like we both looked at each other, internally wink and said “LETS DO THIS”. She was so passionate about helping people and proving that recovery from mental health difficulties is possible. Mixing that with my determination and underlying belief that I didnt have to live the way I was forever we just nailed it! Something I Am Still Working On Healing and the recovery journey is fascinating to me and I always wonder what will come next. I recently went on a health and wellness path after developing some terrible eating habits during my abuse that had traveled with me through to adulthood. I have been learning about the importance of diet and how it can impact us and that the various health issues I was having was all connected. Supporting A Loved One with PTSD or OCD I always say just being there. I think it’s important to educate yourself about what your loved one is going through but at the same time you can be clueless and just be there for them. If a day is too much for them or if they cant do something because of their disorders just be there. Sit quietly with them, watch a movie or just give them ‘supportive space’ like messaging them and saying “I know you need some space but just know im thinking of you”. Why I Started Sharing My Journey I first decided to create my blog littlestlady.com to record my recovery journey. It was just basic ramblings of the things I was learning and hoping as a bonus to pass the information on to others. My blog was also a way for me to actually tell people about my traumatic past. Beforehand nobody knew what I had been through and had called me ‘little one’ and ‘little lady’ through out my life due to my quiet personality and people feeling I needed a helping hand in life. It was basically a way for me to tell people I didn’t need help because I had been through more than anyone could have ever imagined and was almost a way for me to stickup for myself. Though the ‘little’ title mostly has been used in a loving way it could at times be a little belittling.
After therapy and becoming free of my disorder my want for helping people only grew and I went from a blog to an official website and started sharing in more detail my story of recovery and message. Advice to Those Who Relate to My Story Just knowing that recovery is possible and life doesn’t have to stay the way it is. You can change and you can grow and when it comes to abuse you can be the one to say ‘my cycle stops here’. My Gratitude I am constantly in a state of shock that I am still here. I wouldn’t even be able to tell you how many times a week I think about it. I'm grateful for even the smallest things in life and the smallest of gestures because I’ve seen the darker side of life and humans. The main reason I want to teach people to recover is to see life how I see it now. Gratitude and healing quite literally changes your life.
There is no time like the present. Mother, Author, and Mental Health & Lifestyle Blogger Erica, shares her story of PTSD (she closely aligns with C-PTSD), Panic Disorder, depression, domestic violence, and more from the perspective of daily living with these diagnoses and trauma.
www.passionatedirection.com
@PASSIONATEDIRECTION
About Erica
have never sent me to boarding school
Many years later, I realized that the daily
I was born in San Antonio, Texas and
when I was 14. He told me that my
panic I experienced was not normal. I
moved to Charlottesville, Virginia when I
friends hated me and then he would try
felt like I couldn’t breath most days. I felt
was 12 years old. I went to Radford
to hook up with them. He would push
such intense sadness. I was triggered by
University in 2010 and studied
me, scream at me and spit on me. Within
“the small things”. I utilized the EAP
Psychology. In 2014, I had my daughter
this broken relationship, I truly believed I
(Employee Assistance Program) at my
Penelope. We currently live in Raleigh,
could fix him. At 22, I got pregnant
work and started seeing a therapist.
North Carolina where I work in Facilities
thinking I could save this relationship. I
Initially I told my therapist that I had
Management. My hobbies include
was able to escape the relationship
anxiety. We quickly determined that I
tending to my 30+ houseplants, reading
after realizing it would be very unhealthy
didn’t “just” have anxiety. My therapist
psychological thrillers, True Crime
to raise a child within a situation like this
recommended that I see a psychiatrist.
podcasts (I am a total Muderino!),
one.
After completing a psychological
playing with my 2 my cats and inspiring women to live their best lives.
assessment my psychiatrist talked with While this is not a complete list of the
my about what severe trauma means
trauma I have experienced, these are
and diagnosed me with PTSD and panic
Erica's Journey
two examples. I would need much more
disorder. I am now treated for
I was always an anxious kid. My 4th
time (and writing space) to go over all
depression, panic disorder and PTSD. I
grade picture is complete with a sore on
the things.
most closely align with Complex PTSD.
my chin where I rubbed the skin right off
abuse
my face. I have never slept well and was afraid of every sound. I slept on the ground next to my parent’s bed until I was 12.
In middle school I began experiencing depression, uncontrollable social anxiety due to bullying, unhealthy coping mechanisms like hypersexual behavior, drug use and angry rage. I refused to go to school most days and would rather
CAN BE IN MORE THAN
lay in bed. All while this was happening, I was being molested by a teenager that was 5 years older than me. I was
ONE FORM.
blackmailed into taking pictures of myself nude. At the time, I didn’t think of it as molestation though I do now.
I have always relied on men to solve the voids in my life. In college, I began a relationship with a partner that was initially beautiful. We had known each other since we were young. He made me feel like magic. He could tell when I was upset. He bought me gifts that were exactly what I wanted. Then, he would get upset because I had dated other people before him. He would tell me my
c-ptsd
parents don’t love me or they would
SHOULD BE TALKED ABOUT
MORE.
Coming to the Understanding...
My Support
The hardest part about my journey with
I would say that my therapist has been
Supporting A Loved One In An Abusive Relationship
PTSD is understanding that this may be a
the most instrumental person within my
Watching a loved one in an abusive
lifelong condition that I continuously
recovery journey. She has connected the
relationship is incredibly difficult. When I
have to work on. This means staying on
dots to events and feelings that I didn’t
was in an abusive relationship, I wish I
top of medication and making changes
realize were there. She has supported
had someone that was willing to stick by
as necessary. It means working on the
and encouraged me to try new things
me and encourage me. Abusers will
hard things in therapy. It means making
that I never thought were possible.
isolate you. Abusers will make you think that everyone else is the enemy.
the next best step even when I don’t feel
Choosing To Open Up On Instagram and My Blog
Having a friend or family member that is
Initially, I opened up on Instagram and on
unwilling to let you go would be my best
Toxic Shame & Guilt
my blog because I felt like I would burst
advice. Stick by your loved one until they
When I was 14, I was placed in a
if I didn’t. I have always enjoyed writing
can see that their situation is unhealthy.
boarding school in Donalds, South
but once I finally had the energy to do so
Help your loved one set up a safety plan
Carolina. Within this “reform school” we
(thank you SNRIs again) I felt compelled
and talk to them about what real love
were told that the experiences and
to share my dark moments with a
feels like. Hopefully your loved one will
events that led us to be forced into the
community. I have always been able to
be able to leave before it is too late.
school were our fault. When you have
be vulnerable and share with my friends
adults telling you take responsibility for
but being confident enough to do it
the trauma you have experienced it is
online was new for me. Sharing my
My Advice To Those Who Relate To My Story...
difficult to get over. I have worked on
experiences has boosted my confidence
There is no time like the present - Start
this throughout therapy over the last few
to be a better person, mother and friend.
seeing a therapist, get on the medication
like it. Sticking to a routine helps a lot but it is extremely hard on the bad days.
and start working toward healing. If you
years.
Has PTSD Ever Affected My Work Life or Motherhood? Short answer, yes.
I was afraid at first but once I started
want to feel better, you have to make
getting messages from people online
the next best step.
saying that my blog really helped them or encouraged them to get into therapy, I
Closing Words
knew it was worth it.
I think many people who have experienced trauma are forced to
Living with PTSD can make me pretty irritable and hyper sensitive to
The Common PTSD Misconception
experiences. I fear for my child almost
When people think of PTSD they think of
constantly. There is healthy fear and
the type of PTSD veterans acquire
there is an irrational fear. The irrational
through war or PTSD from a single event
type I work on within therapy.
like rape. Complex PTSD is a condition where different traumatic events occur
reconcile with creating meaning from traumatic circumstances. For example “I went through ABC and it taught me XYZ”. While I don’t think this is helpful to everyone, I do think it is helpful for me. I am not taking responsibility for the trauma I experienced. It is not my fault
My Breaking Point
over years or a lifetime. This could be
About two years ago I was dating a man
bullying, sexual abuse, physical abuse,
that basically flat out told me “you need
abandonment, isolation and many other
help”. As harsh as that sounds, it
experiences. Complex PTSD should be
boarding school at age 14 and was on
catapulted me into seeking the help I
talked about more so that people who
silence for 16 months. These things are
needed. I was sick of ruining every
experience symptoms can get access to
not my fault.
relationship I was in because my fear of
the care that they deserve.
that I was molested at age 12 or abused by a partner at 21. It is not my fault that I was abandoned at an unlicensed
I do feel like I am called to share my
abandonment was so strong. I was sick
partner did. I was sick of feeling anxious
Being Responsible For My Healing,Even In Relationships
everyday. I started therapy, seeking a
Before I sought therapy and started
psychiatrist and got on some great
medication to address PTSD, panic
moment vs. in her late 20s. If I can save
medication (Thank you SNRIs)! Therapy
disorder and depression, the
just one girl from going through a
and medication have given me the
relationships I had were largely
decade of fog related to her
mental clarity to live the life I deserve.
unhealthy. I was co-dependent on the
of being triggered by everything my
men in my life because I felt broken and
experiences so that a 14 year old girl going through the same thing understands it isn’t her fault either and hopefully understands this during the
experiences, I would say my own trauma is worth it.
All About Triggers
unhealed. I tried to make romantic
For some triggers, I avoid them. For
relationships the solution to my
others, I face them head on. It really just
abandonment feelings but always felt
when I needed it most. I am appreciative
depends. For example, I can’t stand
incomplete. I realize now that you can’t
to my friends that I have answered the
watching shows that dipict physical
put that much pressure on someone else.
phone during panic attacks, to my
violence against women and adultery. It
I have to be responsible for my own
bothers me so much that it will ruin my
healing, my happiness and self worth.
day. I choose not to watch these types
EMDR and CBT have helped
of shows.
tremendously!
I am grateful that I have had the strength and resilience to get myself the help
mother that has put up with more fits of rage that any woman should have to, to my supportive therapist that has walked me through the depths of my shame and shown me the other side.
Y
r u o
g n i d n i " e "F p a C
REDHEAD
MARE
HTTP://WWW.MAREATHONER.COM REDHEADMARE
All Photography By Amberlee Erdmann
A B O U T I am a former journalist and radio announcer, and now run my own company, Redhead Mare Media. I spearhead the Mareathon, an online community connecting like-minded people committed to a positive, thriving life. I created the Mareathoner community, to ensure others feel less alone and to create a safe online space. I have written my first book, Finding Your Cape, which will be released very soon! I am an advocate for mental health, women's health and special needs. With about 1.5 million views, I also run an active YouTube channel, posting three videos a week, creating a slice of life in my content. I am raising my beautiful 8 year old son Thomas as a single mum. Thomas has special needs, as he was born with progressive hearing loss and on the Autism spectrum. I live in Canada’s wine country and for fun I like to taste said wine! I also enjoy getting outside for walks, taking spin classes multiple times a week and getting on my yoga mat. S E E I N G
P U R P O S E
I N
T R I B U L A T I O N
I truly believe everything happens for a reason and know that my professional background has served a purpose to help me share my story with other people. I strive to make others feel less alone and have also used my platform, whether being on the radio or online to do so. I had been a reporter and news anchor on the radio for a few years before I switched to an onair host of a morning show on the number one rated station in our area. I started my
M A R E
YouTube channel while I was on maternity leave with my son Thomas because I basically wanted to make sure that I remembered how to talk to an audience while away from radio! I soon fell in love with making videos and interacting with people from all over the world. Little did I know, that I was laying the foundation for something much more meaningful and impactful. Actually, life-saving. My son Thomas was born in 2011 and even though I had a smooth pregnancy with no indicating factors, he failed the hearing test in the hospital. Then he failed another test. Then another. And another. Four months later he was diagnosed with progressive hearing loss and fitted for the teeniest, tiniest hearing aids you’ve ever seen. Devastated my husband Jeremy and I coped by going in fight or flight mode. It was a terrifying few years as Thomas’ hearing quickly progressed to the point of needing surgery for a cochlear implant. Around the age of two he stopped talking and making eye contact. Thomas retreated into his own world and we were terrified. A few people around us started asking very pointed questions about a second diagnosis and before we knew it, fresh out of his surgery, at the age of three, Thomas was diagnosed with being Autistic. There is a unique kind of grief experienced when your child has special needs. You grieve the life you expected and the future you envisioned for them. Jeremy and I had been anxious for three years, terrified at every turn and bump in the road. It was a
form of PTSD for sure. We started seeing a marriage counsellor to gain coping skills. We’d hoped that this would be the beginning of an up-swing but things continued to get worse and my husband Jeremy was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In hind sight he realized he’d been struggling since being a teenager, but it went downhill quickly. While Thomas made gains and progressed and finally started to advance, Jeremy struggled and I tried to help in any way I could. We finally opened up about Thomas and his special needs publicly and experienced an outpouring of love and understanding from our community and YouTube subscribers from around the world. Then, we went public about Jeremy’s mental health struggles and saw the benefits of that as well. We saw others speak up and get help. We saw others start to understand mental health. We realized that our public platforms could really help people feel less alone and take care of themselves. Then, in 2017 I became a widow at the age of 33 after Jeremy took his life. Because I felt such a kinship and support from the Mareathoner community, I turned on my camera a started documenting my grief in the way of vlogs. I showed my tears and pain as well as my small victories, calling them self-high fives. Again I saw that by showing a real experience, people felt less alone. And I did too. Vlogging helped my grief in ways I couldn’t have imagined. The Mareathoners rallied around me and
Thomas from around the world and little by slow, I began to create a new normal for us. L I F E
I S
S H O R T
5 - I lost my dad when I was 19 and I definitely feel that shaped my life and mind in a way that shifted almost immediately. These feelings were enhanced after losing Jeremy years later. Losing these two important men in my life made me really understand that life is short. So short. It also made me realize that you can try your hardest and do your best and hard things are still going to come your way. This may sound weird, but it’s given me so much gratitude and positivity for the time I do have year. It’s also given me a drive to try things and go after what I want, even though it usually isn’t the “normal way” people do things. Life is short, so buy the concert tickets, take your son to meet Elmo (best day of my life FYI, Sesame Place is magical), ask the boy out, wear the outfit, cut the toxicity etc. Life is short. So why not live it the way that makes you happy? Losing my dad helped me come up with the idea of Finding Your Cape, and my cape has helped me find so much happiness despite the struggles. S H A M E T H I S
A N D
G U I L T . . . I S
I T
W R O N G
F O R
M E
T O
F E E L
W A Y ?
Shame and guilt are two emotions I feel are rarely spoken about when it comes to grief and mental health. When Jeremy was alive, I felt guilt for having a tough time with it all and for not being able to be enough to keep him alive. As I say that I know unequivocally that it’s untrue and that his life was not my responsibility. But in the thick of it, desperate to help him, I felt guilty that I wasn’t enough. I also felt guilt that I wanted him to get better and that I was hard on me. I didn’t feel like I was allowed to vocalize my struggles because I wasn’t the one who was suicidal or the one with special needs. Who was I to complain or struggle with it? I don’t think there is enough conversation about the caregiver. I also felt guilt after Jeremy passed away and I started to feel joy again. My therapist was incredibly helpful in teaching me that two things can be true at once. You can feel grief but you can also experience immense joy. This has helped my healing greatly as I continue to grieve two and a half years later. I know it will always be something I feel. He was Thomas’ dad and my love for many years. In saying that, I felt guilt as I started to date, worried that Mareathoners would think I was being disrespectful to Jeremy or moving on too quickly. I can say with relief that not one person showed any kind of negativity. Turns out, people actually do want you to be happy! Imagine that. ;)
A F T E R
J E R E M Y . . .
After Jeremy took his life I felt such guilt. I still feel twangs of it, especially when I look at our son. There were so many people trying to help Jeremy and he worked incredibly hard to take care of his mental health from quitting drinking to going vegan to doing yoga regularly to seeing two different therapists to trying meds and so much more. And yet, I felt like his well-being was my job. It is no one’s fault. If you’ve lost someone, you need to know that you can only take care of yourself. At the root of life, we are all responsible for ourselves. This was no one’s fault. All we can do is learn from this, and do our best. That’s it. The guilt is not helping your healing. And now it is your job to heal and take care of yourself.
T H E
U N S P O K E N
There is so much that isn’t talked about when it comes to grief. From logistics like all the legalities to physically removing their things (which is horrific by the way and also, why do we have so many things?!), there is no guide to this. But also no one talks about how grief affects your sleep and your appetite and your concentration. How it comes out of nowhere for absolutely no reason, even in the middle of the most joyous times. No one talks about how the holidays can be some of the most excruciating times after losing a loved one. No one talks about dating as a widow or the guilt. Oh there is so much that isn’t spoken about and this is definitely why I am so open about my feelings and journey. I get messages almost every day from a widow or someone who has lost a loved one, thanking me for different videos. And they always say they feel less alone. Grief is natural and something we all experience. Why aren’t we talking about it?
D I S A P P E A R I N G
F O R
A
D A R K
D A Y
Anniversaries of losing a loved one can be just awful. If you’ve ever seen the Gilmore Girls episode where Luke disappears for a ‘dark day’, that is something I have found to be helpful. It’s totally okay to have a dark day to do what helps you, no questions asked. It might be binging Netflix and eating your favourite food. Or maybe it’s eating the favourite food of the person who you are mourning. I recommend staying off social media, making sure you are not going to be alone, planning something to make you feel good and being kind to yourself. Reminding yourself that it is just one day but that it is ok for it to be tough. Even ten years or twenty years later it can still be rough and that is normal. It’s important to be around people who are ok with you and accept whatever emotions you will have that day. I found the second anniversary of Jeremy’s passing much more difficult that the first. It’s as if people think you should have moved on or something. I had to grapple with still feeling sad and then being mad that I was sad etc. Meditating has really helped me to not judge my emotions and remember that they are temporary. If you know someone who has suffered a loss, just show up. You don’t have to know what to say because guess what? No one does. And that is ok. I wasn’t looking for my friends and family to fix it or say anything magical. I just needed people to show up for me. To make sure I ate. To hold my hand. To be with me so I didn’t have to go out in public alone. To help me as I made every unimaginable decision. To make my son’s lunches for school or take him to school or play with him or take him to the park etc. Just show up. Do not wait for them to ask you. Don’t ask what they need done and then wait. If they don’t know, just do it. Clean their house. Bring groceries. Make food etc. Just show up.
L I F E ' S
N O T
A
S P R I N T . . .
The Mareathoner community may be strong but we are mighty. Many of them have been watching my videos for years and some are new to the community. We welcome with open arms. Our Facebook group is my favourite place on the internet. We have an ongoing book club, we meet in person as I host masterclasses throughout the year and we even have a matching tattoo of an arrow! (I know, right?!) We talk about makeup and home decor and cooking as well as more serious topics like mental health and family. I like to say, the Mareathoners have been through sh*t, but we don’t act like sh*t. Life’s not a sprint, it’s a mareathon is the slogan we live by, helping each other on a daily basis. I like to see Mareathoners meet online and then become friends in real life too. My YouTube channel has a fierce following as I post follow me around, in a day in the life vlog style video as well as episodes where I sit down and address a myriad of topics. We have so much fun together and I feel so lucky to have this tribe in my life.
F I N D I N G
Y O U R
C A P E
People often say to me that they can’t believe I’ve managed to carry on after losing Jeremy and raise Thomas alone. It’s hard, I won’t lie. Being a single parent is hands down my toughest job. Thomas is the light of my life and I feel so lucky to be his mum, honestly. But I wouldn’t get through the toughest days without a couple things I do daily: getting present and being grateful. Even on the roughest of days I am able to find countless things to be grateful for when I steady myself and get quiet and still. The next time you’re going down a spiral of overwhelm. force yourself to list ten things, out loud, that you are grateful for. I promise you will have more than ten. After Jeremy died, I would sit on my bedroom floor after Thomas went to bed and sob. Gut-wrenching, body-shaking, sobs. I’d let out of the feelings and then list all the things I was grateful for that day. Some days it was, “I can hear, breathe, walk, and talk. I live in a safe home that I can pay for on my own. I have a beautiful, healthy son.” See how you can break it down to the simple, yet powerful items? Today I still do this and am incredibly proud of how far I have come and how Thomas has evolved. Life’s not a sprint, it’s a mareathon. I am grateful for where I am today and excited to see what’s next. I could never have dreamed this life for myself, despite the loss and struggle. I have found my cape, written the book, Finding Your Cape, and am excited to help others find their cape as well.
LIFE'S NOT A SPRINT,IT'S A
marethon. REDHEAD MARE
FEELING
understood AFTER
MISCARRIAGE LOSS
WITH SUNNY SINK
CONNECT WITH SUNNY!! @SSINKCOACHING
I wasn’t expecting to struggle when trying to conceive. About Sunny
I grew up in a small town in Wyoming. Living in such a beautiful location I developed a love for nature early on. Hiking and camping became regular and beloved pastimes. I have a daughter, Amber who is 18 and was born in 2001 before I had difficulties conceiving. I raised her as a single parent throughout the majority of her childhood. She is now in college studying business communications. I married my best friend and love of my life Jason Sink in 2018. He has been my greatest love and most avid supporter. He supported my dreams when I chose to leave my 16 years of accounting to pursue a career in coaching. I loved accounting, but didn’t feel the true fulfillment I experience when helping women build the lives of their dreams. My passions are women’s reproductive and mental health, miscarriage support, my friends and family, and personal growth.
sunny's story
I wasn’t expecting to struggle when trying to conceive. I started trying in 2010. In four and a half years of TTC I had 4 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancies. In these four years I experienced some of the most painful moments of my life. During my miscarriages and infertility, I found myself withdrawing from my family, my friends, and my community. I married my first husband in 2010. I conceived the first month trying. We were OVER THE MOON! But less than two weeks later I had my first miscarriage. I was devastated, but hopeful as I had no reason to believe that it would happen again. Two months later I conceived again, but even when I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was spotting, and miscarried a second time. This was a turning point for my mental health as I realized that this whole TTC thing was going to be a lot harder than I expected. This led to countless hours scouring the internet for the solution to my multiple miscarriages. I was a woman obsessed with finding a solution. This second miscarriage was followed by several months of an infection that went undiagnosed. I was in an incredible amount of pain and kept seeing physician after physician. Finally, I went to the Emergency Room where they gave me antibiotics, and it cleared up. The undiagnosed long-lasting infection wreaked havoc on my reproductive system leaving behind adhesions blocking my ovaries. This caused years of infertility. By this time I was deep in shame and guilt, and feeling like a total failure. I had my third miscarriage without telling a single soul I was pregnant. I couldn’t bear the thought of others knowing I’d failed again. My 4th and 5th lost pregnancies were both ectopic. One on each side. The first ectopic was removed with surgery. I felt a lot of guilt for going in knowing that it would end my baby’s life. This also created a lot of fear for future pregnancies. As much as I wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, I had become terrified of pregnancy. For the second ectopic pregnancy I chose to use medication. I had to go in for a second dose when the first didn’t work, then the embryonic sac ruptured causing internal bleeding and pain. The physical healing from this pregnancy took about a month but the emotional impact was an extreme fear of pregnancy and future ectopics. This fear seeped through every facet of my life. My final pregnancy came at the end of my first marriage in 2014. I was excited to have a uterine pregnancy after the two ectopics. This pregnancy made it further than the others and I was feeling sure that this baby would be my rainbow baby. But the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks with no heartbeat. The news was devastating. I waited to miscarry on my own but eventually had to take medication to get it started. This again caused guilt from having to take the step towards ending the pregnancy. Shortly thereafter I chose to end my stressful marriage... not because of the losses but because of personal differences.
shame and guilt
I felt guilt and shame after my second miscarriage. I felt like it was my fault that we couldn’t have the baby we’d always dreamed of. I felt guilty for waiting until my midthirties to try to conceive. I also blamed God, and felt like He was punishing me. I felt like I didn’t deserve a baby of my own and was incredibly jealous of women who were successful conceiving… -especially the ones that didn’t struggle at all. At the time that I was going through this, I didn’t have any tools to manage these negative thoughts. The primary coping mechanisms I used were food and obsessively trying to find a solution.
did this trauma shape my perception in a different way?
Absolutely. Going through this has forced me to face my thoughts of lack and loss, deservability, and worth. I used to feel like my worthiness was based on my ability to have children. I had to re-define my worthiness and truly understand that I don’t have to DO, BE, or HAVE anything to deserve love. It has changed the way I see death and loss. I now view them as completely natural processes that have a place in the world. I had to realize that death and loss while painful aren’t bad or wrong. I also learned how to trust in fate and divine timing. When I am struggling to achieve what I want I lean into that trust and know that the life I have right now - really is perfect.
a ceremony for my angel babies
There were so many losses for me, that at some point I let go of the dates… the due dates, the positive test dates, the “baby would be x years old…”. When I embarked on my journey of healing, I intuitively knew that I wanted to do a ceremony for all six of my angel babies. I purchased a little wooden tree of life box and six amethyst hearts which represent each baby. The box with the hearts sits on my bedside table. I also made a custom bracelet made from rose quartz. It contains six purple stones that represent each of my babies. I wore it every day for a long time, and now just occasionally when I want to feel close to them. I don’t believe there is a “right” or “wrong” way to go about grieving, or celebrating baby. That said, I also don’t believe that ignoring our miscarriages will help with the healing process. For me, for the longest time all I had from my pregnancies were painful memories. Making the bracelet and having the heart stones for my babies gave me beautiful symbols of the love that I have for each one, so I found them to be helpful in my process of healing. I believe that when a woman wants to do a ceremony that she already knows inside her what would be most healing for her. My clients design their own ceremonies and I’m always moved by how beautiful they are.
ignoring your felt pain
I think that what tends to go unspoken is the pain. When you are in the thick of it, you think that no one wants to hear about your pain. You feel like they won’t understand. You may be verbally chastised for sharing, which only serves to keep you quiet about it. You feel like everyone wants you to move on so a lot of women pretend to… even when they are dying inside, disconnecting from their families, friends, and communities. There are so many women who have stopped living and are just going through the motions. What’s not spoken about is the contribution these beautiful, wonderful, amazing women could be making in the world, but they are not because they are stuck in the pain, and they have no guideposts to get out of it. There is not enough support for women who’ve miscarried, so they don’t know how to move through the pain.
what advice would you give to those who feel guilty for their loss? The advice that I would give them is to try to talk to themselves the way they would a friend. Would they blame a friend who was in the same situation? When we begin to treat ourselves like we do our friends we tend to act with more grace and compassion. Another thing I would tell them is to talk about their guilt with people that they feel safe with and people who are willing to support them. It’s incredibly common to feel guilt and shame. I remind the women that I work with that it’s not their fault. Even when there is a medical issue, a loss is never the woman’s fault, and to believe it is - is not in the best interest of emotional or physical healing.
supporting a friend
Give them a safe place to talk through their feelings about the miscarriage. Offer to help them out with housework or childcare so they can get the emotional support they need. Often well-meaning friends and family can create a situation where the grieving woman doesn’t feel like she is safe sharing. Comments like “At least you have a kid”, “You can always try again”, “This is for the best”, and “This was what God wanted” leave her feeling like her feelings aren’t valid and she’s not understood. The best things to say are “I’m so sorry for your loss”, and “Is there anything I can do to support you.”
why do i offer coaching? My experience showed me clearly that there is not enough support for the women who’ve miscarried. I had nowhere to begin to start my healing at the time of my miscarriages. It was only when I started studying coaching that I had the tools I needed to start the journey of healing. When I realized that I could help women who are going through what I went through I knew that it was my calling and greatest wish.
my biggest wish...
closing words of gratitude
I have a vision to start a non-profit helping women who are struggling emotionally after miscarriage. My biggest wish is that when women find out they are miscarrying they are given resources there in the medical office. I want to create a brochure to tell them what they can expect physically and emotionally. I want to have a large online directory of support providers that they can go to get the support they need. My dream is for women to feel understood and supported after a loss. My dream is for them to know that healing is possible and that there are simple steps that they can do to start loving their life again!
I am so grateful for the wonderful women who encouraged me to say yes to my own healing. I wouldn’t be where I am today without their guidance, love, and support. When I look back at my life when I was in the midst of guilt and shame, I send that woman love. My life, relationships, value, and worth have all completely changed. I want this for all woman who feel stuck in their pain. They are worthy of so much more, and they don’t have to feel like that for the rest of their lives.
When I look back at my life when I was in the midst of guilt and shame, I send that woman love. My life, relationships, value, and worth have all completely changed. I want this for all woman who feel stuck in their pain. They are worthy of so much more, and they don’t have to feel like that for the rest of their lives.
KEEPING YOUR
PEACE
IN THE MIDST OF CHILD/PREGNANCY L O S S with
s i r r a H s i x e Al e l o y u Ol
Connect with Alexis!!
@asklexharris @peacethatsupersedes @notfeelingitbook www.asklex.online
Twenty-one weeks and my son’s little life was gone? Just like that? Shortly after receiving the news that my son was gone, the doctors had me scheduled for a few tests to determine the source of my continuous bleeding. I completed all the exams needed for the team of specialist to make a determination. It was confirmed; along with placenta previa I had a condition called placenta accreta. This is a serious condition that occurs when the placenta grows too deeply into the uterine wall which can potentially cause great complications throughout pregnancy, including death upon delivery. The team of doctors tried their best to figure out a way to salvage my womb, but there ultimately was no way around it. In order for me to sustain my life, they would have to remove my baby and my uterus. Now I was forced to grieve two losses simultaneously. PEACE
I was raised in a small suburb of Maryland on the outskirts of DC called Seat Pleasant. The same place the basketball player Kevin Durant is from ☺ !! My family and friends would probably describe me as observant, comical yet reserved (until I get to know you) and private! My favorite pastimes are relaxing near bodies of water, reading books, eating (I’m definitely a foodie) going to the movies, and lounging around my home with either a great cup of coffee or a glass of red wine. I am a licensed psychotherapist. For many years I have had the pleasure of assisting people from all walks of life with discerning, defining, and developing their life’s path in ways that sustain clear direction and provide lasting fulfillment. Currently, I oversee the clinical services for a mental health agency in DC. I am also an entrepreneur, author, podcast co-host, poet, and public speaker. Through my authorship I seek to promote positive, peaceful, and purposeful lifestyles. I have been happily married to my husband George for three years and I am fortunate to be a bonus mom to two wonderful children! ABOUT
ALEXI S
After months of intentional love-making in hopes of conceiving, like clockwork, my husband and I were always greeted with the disappointment of our failed attempts by my menstrual cycle that seemed to arrive without delay. After consulting with my OB regarding this ongoing frustration, an MRI revealed that I needed to have several fibroids removed from my womb and one ovarian cystcourtesy of a fancy medical procedure known as a laparoscopic myomectomy. The procedure would take approximately six weeks to recover from; likewise we were instructed that we would have to wait an additional nine plus months to begin trying to conceive. So you can imagine after patiently waiting for close to a year, when we found out that we were pregnant, we felt that our family was finally coming together! I took multiple test just to be certain this was really happening! However my pregnancy was tumultuous to say the least. Throughout my pregnancy I had experienced ongoing light to moderate bleeding, which landed me a few hospitalizations. With my last hospitalization I would hear the words that would change me life forever. “I’m having difficulty hearing a heartbeat,” the nurse stated as she searched frantically for any signs of life found in my womb. I lay there calm, doing my best to exercise my mustard seed sized faith. I closed my eyes to bring myself ease as I waited for the doctor to enter the room. I lay there as the doctor entered the room, wheeling in the sonogram machine. My anxiety began to heighten with each roll the probe made over my stomach. “I’m very concerned about what I’m seeing right now,” he said looking at me with great empathy. I lay there completely numb for a few minutes. This couldn’t be right. This nurse, this doctor had to be playing some sinister prank. MY
STORY
THAT
SUPERSEDES
When I lost my son, Maverick, I felt like there were literally no words to describe my pain; my grief; my profound feelings of deficit. It felt as though there was now a huge whole in my heart. I had no idea how I should go about repairing it. I am a licensed professional counselor, so ideally one would think I would seek out a form of counseling during such a traumatic time in my life right? Wrong. It was quite the opposite for me. I had no desire to process my grief in individual therapy or group grief sessions. Don’t get me wrong, both outlets are very useful and healthy ways to seek healing. I just foolishly convinced myself that my experience was “too much” to share… too painful. I thought no one could truly understand. I didn’t want anyone pretending they did or trying to identify with suffering they knew nothing about. Honestly I think this is the similar thinking of lots of women. We’ve convinced ourselves that our stories should be kept quiet. That they are ‘too much’ to share in a mainstream manor. Then often we bare our burdens alone, suffering privately. As I continued to seek God through my anger and pain; He spoke to me and helped me to understand there are many brave women out there just like me who endure such deep pains privately. This book was birthed from lots of raw, relatable emotions! My prayer is that it is a source of ongoing support that can provide lots of hope and healing. Peace That Supersedes: Stories, Scripture, and Self care for Women Dealing with Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, or the Loss of a Child underlines what weathering the elements of the storms in life feels like, while trying to navigate it all with steady faith that enables peace. Whether your storm is loss, grief, deep disappointment, or recurring pain, by reading this book the goal is that your faith will be quickened, your heart healed, and your peace of mind restored. Here, you will read personalized stories and perspectives of three women who have endured a form of significant loss on their journey to motherhood. Together, we share the real emotions that are associated with this hurt and disappointment in the context of a storm. Collectively we share how God's presence whether feeling good, bad, or indifferent - kept us anchored as they braced for heavy winds and the waves of emotions that arise while responding to God's delays and denials. I have received so much positive feedback regarding this book that it has truly touched my soul! Women have reached out to me for speaking engagements at local churches and women’s empowerment events. I have had women express that they have used the book for book clubs and support groups. I have also been featured on podcasts!! MY
RELATI ONSHI P
WI TH
GOD
DURI NG
THI S
After losing my son, my thoughts and emotions began to spiral quickly. When I returned home from the hospital, everything felt so foreign. My home, my routine, my life. I found myself with more questions than answers. Feelings of anger and betrayal began to flood my spirit and waves of confusion and doubt began to overtake me. I found myself set adrift, battered by my pain; questioning my beliefs. I didn’t know what to think, let alone pray. At this point, I was convinced that I had fallen off of God’s radar entirely. I was numb. My heart was broken. God had allowed my world to be TRAUMA
shaken upside down and turned inside out. I couldn’t focus. I felt stuck. I felt unsuccessful. Then God began to reveal some things to me in the midst of my hurting. He said to me that success is the manifestation of your destiny.Our destiny is most often birthed out through our pain and suffering, the intimate moments between God and us, where we have labored and travailed with Him as we have waited for the next step or level to arrive. Just as a woman undergoes physical labor pains before giving birth to her child, we also suffer spiritual labor of our own. We have pain, we have discomfort, our minds and bodies stretched beyond what we feel are our limits; then finally, when we least expect it, purpose is found, clarity is reached, and our destiny is birthed! This pain of loss brought me ‘face-to-face with my faith.’ I had some tough choices to make. Like do I continue to believe, although a part of me feels failed as a Christian and as His daughter? Could I push past how I feel? Should I make the choice to rely on what I know? To survive the pain and devastation, it was in my best interest to focus on what I’ve learned thus far about God as His daughter. With that being said here was the hard truth before me: there is no salvation apart from suffering. As followers of Christ there is no escape from suffering if you desire a true relationship with God. This was my cross. This was my time to bear suffering with His grace as my anchor. I think lots of women initially feel alone. This is how I felt. I think we go about living life in our own bubbles and so sometimes unintentionally we forget that we are connected to a much larger community. Yet the Bible speaks about us being one body, stating that if one part suffers, every part suffers with it (1 Corinthians 12:24-26). We have to remember we are not alone. We have to understand there is nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of. If anything we are courageous for pushing forward each day with hope, despite our pain and disappointment. FEELI NG
ALONE
I SN' T
TALKED
ABOUT
It can be beyond frustrating when your body does not do something that it was naturally gifted to do! It’s a deep pain that’s specific only to the group of women who experience the challenges of infertility and pregnancy loss. I believe it is completely normal to have feelings of anger, guilt, shame, confusion, etc., after experiencing loss and infertility. I certainly did, and I express each of these emotions and more in detail in the book. It’s important that we allow ourselves to feel the feelings as they come and not suppress anything! However as we go through our process of grieving we must also show ourselves grace, with the understanding that we are not the cause of our loss. It’s not our fault. This can be challenging to accept because as women we tend to take on so much naturally that it’s easy to believe the false narrative that we may have done something to bring about our outcome. When in fact nothing is our fault! We all have our individual crosses to bare. Loss is one of those crosses. I S
THI S
YOUR
FAULT?
It’s important for friends and family members to support their loved one who has experienced a loss by being there for them in the way that their loved one desires. Loss manifest differently for us all. Some may want to be alone, others may want to be around a crowd of individuals. It’s important that if friends or family don’t know what to say or do that they say just that! They should ask their loved one: what’s the best way I can support you through this? They should let them know that they are there when needed and as needed. They should not minimize their loved one’s pain by trying to extinguish it or ease it. It’s a pain that will never go away. It’s a pain that is managed over time. Family and friends should just be present. Just listen. Just show love. SUPPORTI NG
A
FRI END
The worst feedback I’ve received while grieving was God may have been trying to spare me from ‘the baby having some defect”. People have good intentions but sometimes they say simple things that really hurt. Examples are “you are so strong”, “everything happens for a reason”, “don’t worry you can adopt”. A person who has experienced a pregnancy loss or infertility does not care about being strong…as a matter of fact deep down they are probably feeling weak and weary. Does everything “happen for a reason” or do things just happen! Someone who is hurting and questioning can get really lost in such a statement that “everything happens for a reason”. Cliché’s are the worst thing to echo to someone who is hurting; period! WORST
THI NG
TO
SAY
TO
SOMEONE
GRI EVI NG
I would encourage anyone struggling to process that pain associated with loss to identify a strong support system. This may look like evolving yourself with your church more, being around a particular set of friends, seeking counseling, etc. I would encourage my fellow sister in loss to pray without ceasing, journal all your feelings to get them out, do special things for yourself at least once a week, and find a way to speak your truth whatever it may be to a therapist, a support group, family, friends, etc. STRUGGLI NG
WI TH
PROCESSI NG
PAI N
It’s been a little over a year now since losing my child and my womb. I have done plenty of reflecting within this time. Although I have lots of unanswered questions I have made the decision to trust God. I have learned that our feelings are not the vantage point from which we begin to process God’s design for our life. I discuss this more in my forthcoming book “Not Feeling it? : Understanding God’s Purpose for our Faith and Feelings”. With this being said I am grateful that while in the midst of my feelings of pain, guilt, confusion, I have felt God’s presence and His continual affirmations of love. He has truly been the main source of my healing, keeping me encouraged and hopeful that He is not done with my story. “With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). Although losing a child is a pain that never goes away, God’s grace continues to show me day by day how to not be consumed by my feelings of grief. When we relinquish our all to him…everything.. the good, the bad, the ugly… He is able to help us receive” beauty for ashes” (Isaiah 61:1). When we choose to trust Him fully even in the midst of our uncomfortable feelings He is able to “work all things for our good” (Romans 8:28)! I believe this promise and know in my heart that the best is yet to come! CLOSI NG
WORDS
Check out Alexis' book on YouTube with a full documentary!!
Being Open about
Infertilty & Embryo Adoption with...
Caleb Ayla
Nova
@aylasophia
@caleblangford
Ayla and Caleb
about us
We live in the Calgary (Alberta, Canada) area with our daughter, Nova and our fur-baby, Ellie. We love to spend our time doing anything and everything as a family. We love photography, videography, and exploring the beautiful place that we call home.
our story We started like a lot of couples, excited and hopeful to start our family after getting married in 2013. We were full of plans and “when’s”. (“When we get pregnant… when we have our baby…) After the first few months of trying, we started bringing in the big guns. The OPKs, tracking my cycle, and timing everything out like it was my day job. Then, month after month, the pregnancy test would show one line and my period would come, leaving us feeling defeated. I knew that something wasn’t right and so I followed my gut right into my doctor’s office after only 6 months of our journey. My doctor tried to turn me away with the classic “most couples can take up to a year to conceive”, but I pushed for testing and waited. I waited for the phone call that brought me to my knees… the first of many. My testing came back “normal” (whatever that means), but Caleb’s came back with severe Male Factor Infertility. His sperm count was low, motility was low and morphology was at 0% normal. All of our fears were confirmed, becoming parents was not going to look the way we had hoped. This was when we decided to start our YouTube channel in the hopes of documenting our journey and helping others on theirs. After being referred to the fertility clinic and being waitlisted, we finally got in to see our fertility specialist who recommended we try IVF with ICSI. As terrified as we were, we jumped in head first thinking that something as intense and costly as IVF would be the automatic answer to our hopes. Boy, were we wrong. We poured ourselves into the process, but were left with nothing. Our two transferred embryos didn’t result in a pregnancy and we had nothing left for freezing. It felt like our world had come crumbling down and we grieved for a long time. The next years were messy. They were filled with constant decision making and trying to save money for other treatments and doing more tests and IUIs and donor sperm and then… endometriosis. One day, I went into the emergency room with excruciating pain and left without my appendix. But, I did leave with a diagnosis of stage three endometriosis and a plan to come back three months later to remove my right ovary. Hearing the words “you will lose your ovary” devastated me like no other words ever had. But, I had already been through so much thus far and so I accepted my fate and moved forward. After my second surgery, we did another round of IVF. Only this time we used donor sperm. Many, many, appointments and needles later… we found ourselves in a similar situation as our last IVF round. We had two 3-day embryos, low-quality and not much hope for our remaining embryos to make it to freeze. We were, again, devastated and continued on with the plan. Our pregnancy test came back negative and our hearts were broken once more. However, 3 little fighter embryos made it to freeze and filled us with so much hope once again. We transferred those 3 frozen embryos in November 2016. This was the month that we finally saw a positive pregnant test, and it was also the month that we had to tell our families that we lost the baby. That loss will always be one of the hardest things that we have ever gone through and we think about it often. After our heartbreak, we decided to follow our hearts into the world of adoption. We went through the whole domestic adoption process (which is lengthy) and were excited to be placed onto the waiting list as hopeful adoptive parents. Time went by so slowly without any movement for us on the list and we felt defeated, once again. Until, one day we received a very long email from a couple that had been following along our journey. To make a very long and beautiful story short, this wonderful couple wanted to donate their three remaining embryos to us. They had built their family and felt called to give their embryos a chance at life – a chance at life with us.
After months of talking back and forth, we made plans. We made plans to bring in lawyers and draft agreements and start the frozen embryo transfer with our donated embryos. This was the first time that we felt like things were finally right. The connection between us and our donors was undeniable and the feeling of love that surrounded these embryos was immense. We transferred one beautiful embryo in July 2018, we found out that we were pregnant a couple of weeks later and delivered our precious baby girl on March 26th, 2019. The journey to Nova was long and winding, and it was so full of downs that we lost hope so many times. But, we always knew, deep in our hearts, that we were going to be parents and so we kept navigating our wild road. And I can tell you, with every fiber of my being, that we are where we are meant to be now.
After months of talking back and forth, we made plans. We made plans to bring in lawyers and draft agreements and start the frozen embryo transfer with our donated embryos. This was the first time that we felt like things were finally right. The connection between us and our donors was undeniable and the feeling of love that surrounded these embryos was immense. We transferred one beautiful embryo in July 2018, we found out that we were pregnant a couple of weeks later and delivered our precious baby girl on March 26th, 2019. The journey to Nova was long and winding, and it was so full of downs that we lost hope so many times. But, we always knew, deep in our hearts, that we were going to be parents and so we kept navigating our wild road. And I can tell you, with every fiber of my being, that we are where we are meant to be now.
Sharing Our Journey on YouTube
Sharing Our Journey on YouTube
We started our YouTube channel right before we started our first round of IVF. Honestly, we had hoped that our IVF would result in a pregnancy and that it would be a special way of documenting our journey and showing our child how loved they were right from the start. It quickly became so much bigger for us and was a way for us to connect with others in the infertility community and to normalize infertility by showing those people that they weren’t alone in their journeys.
We started our YouTube channel right before we started our first round of IVF. Honestly, we had hoped that our IVF would result in a pregnancy and that it would be a special way of documenting our journey and showing our child how loved they were right from the start. It quickly became so much bigger for us and was a way for us to connect with others in the infertility community and to normalize infertility by showing those people that they weren’t alone in their journeys.
By sharing our journey online, we have opened up so many conversations about infertility and loss. We have tried our best to help others through building an honest and understanding space in our little corner of the internet. If our channel can help just one person somewhere in the world that is feeling isolated or misunderstood, then we have done something to be so proud of.
By sharing our journey online, we have opened up so many conversations about infertility and loss. We have tried our best to help others through building an honest and understanding space in our little corner of the internet. If our channel can help just one person somewhere in the world that is feeling isolated or misunderstood, then we have done something to be so proud of.
Infertility & Your Relationship
Infertility & Your Relationship
The journey to becoming parents has tested us in so many ways. But, at the end of the day, we have grown together through our understanding and respect for one another. Infertility is a driving force that can often create a separation between couples. And although we have had moments of frustration, stress, and weakness… we have been through it all together, hand in hand. And, I believe that we are better because of it.
The journey to becoming parents has tested us in so many ways. But, at the end of the day, we have grown together through our understanding and respect for one another. Infertility is a driving force that can often create a separation between couples. And although we have had moments of frustration, stress, and weakness… we have been through it all together, hand in hand. And, I believe that we are better because of it.
What Should Be Talked About More with TTC & Infertility?
What Should Be Talked About More with TTC & Infertility?
Oh boy, there is probably a long list of things that could be brought into the open in order to shine a light on infertility and to spread awareness about the incredible journeys that people have gone through. To start, I think that fertility treatments are misunderstood. It’s a grueling process that brings an emotional, physical, psychological, and financial toll on the people that pour their hearts into it. And sometimes, you still leave with empty arms.
Oh boy, there is probably a long list of things that could be brought into the open in order to shine a light on infertility and to spread awareness about the incredible journeys that people have gone through. To start, I think that fertility treatments are misunderstood. It’s a grueling process that brings an emotional, physical, psychological, and financial toll on the people that pour their hearts into it. And sometimes, you still leave with empty arms.
I think that infertility is an isolating battle that people often go through alone because there is this negative stigma that surrounds it. At least there has been in the past. I have been empowered by the past few years, witnessing more and more people openly talking about their journeys and using social media as a source of expression and community. The thing is, if you haven’t dealt with infertility yourself… chances are likely that you know someone who has. And by educating yourself on the subject, you are paving the way to understanding and support for those people.
I think that infertility is an isolating battle that people often go through alone because there is this negative stigma that surrounds it. At least there has been in the past. I have been empowered by the past few years, witnessing more and more people openly talking about their journeys and using social media as a source of expression and community. The thing is, if you haven’t dealt with infertility yourself… chances are likely that you know someone who has. And by educating yourself on the subject, you are paving the way to understanding and support for those people.
Caleb and I have always wanted to approach infertility openly and honestly throughout our years online. It can be difficult to share such intimate parts of your life, but the value that it has brought our family and our community has always been important to us.
Caleb and I have always wanted to approach infertility openly and honestly throughout our years online. It can be difficult to share such intimate parts of your life, but the value that it has brought our family and our community has always been important to us.
How have your feelings from the beginning of you & your wife’s journey up until now changed, in regards to your journey? Caleb:Honestly, it sounds cliché, but the journey has been an emotional roller coaster. I think at the very beginning I was naïve, very hopeful, but unaware of just how challenging our road to parenthood was about to become. I remember leaving our first consultation with the fertility doctor and believing everything was going to work on the first try. After all, we are so young and thinking to myself, “All we have to do is give this guy a bucket of money and bam, we’re pregnant!” Over the many long years of struggling that came next, I was in a rut where I learned to set my expectations quite low. Which is a really sad thing to think about looking back. However, as I now gaze into my daughter’s eyes, I can feel the unconditional love from her as she looks up at me and all I have an immense gratitude for the journey because it brought her to me in the most perfect and spectacular way.
Embryo Adoption Is ALSO An Option Embryo adoption/donation is pretty much exactly how it sounds. In our situation, a couple had undergone the IVF process to build their family and then felt that their family was complete. There are only a few options that families have when considering the path for their remaining embryos. Some people, like our wonderful donors, choose to donate in the hopes of giving their embryos a chance at life and at family. So, our donors made the gracious decision to donate their three embryos to Caleb and I. Some embryo donations are done through agencies, some are done anonymously, and some are done through a private direct placement with an open relationship (like ours.) We had been considering embryo adoption for a long time, but hadn’t found the right fit for us until we heard from our donors. There was something incredible about the instant connection that we all shared and how everything just seemed to fit exactly right. We will always be so grateful to them for what they have done for us and our family. Our daughter is the most precious gift. She is the product of an incredible and selfless love and we are beyond proud to be her parents.
Supporting Your Friend My advice to you – the friend, the wonderfully kind and caring friend; is to be there. There are no “right” words. There is nothing that you can do to take away their pain, because it is theirs to grieve and to process. But, you can show up. You can be there to listen when they are ready and to love them through their grief. You can help them to feel a little less alone in a very lonely season of their life.
The Worst Advice We've Received For "Comfort" Having been so open about our journey, we are no strangers to receiving advice and opinions about our infertility struggle. We have probably heard everything in the book. But, some of the most difficult comments that we have received are the “have you tried ____?” With our struggle to make a family on our minds every single day, I can assure you that we had thought of and tried and researched and seriously discussed pretty much every single option out there. The decision to go forward with processes like adoption and fertility treatments are filled with a lot of emotion and soul-searching. And, it can feel frustrating to hear someone’s advice to try something that their brother’s cousin’s sister did to get pregnant when you’ve probably already thought about it (or even done it) a hundred times. Gratitude & Closing Words We always felt that parenthood was a dream that we were willing to fight for. So, we kept picking ourselves back up, heartbreak
after heartbreak, and moving forward with our journey. Life isn’t meant to be static. As people, we learn and grow through our experiences. In our lives now, we are enlightened daily by just how much our journey has shaped us. As people and as parents to our sweet girl. Our family is the embodiment of perseverance and love, and we are proud of our journey to get here. Without the downs and without the struggles, we would not be the same people that we are today. Infertility has taught us understanding, empathy, and patience. It has built our relationships and opened our eyes to the world in a new way. And as we sing nursery rhymes to our little girl or play with her on the floor of her bedroom, we are reminded of all of the joy that comes from fighting for your dreams.
PARIJAT DESHPANDE SPEAKS ON
NICU AWARENESS & PREGNANCY LOSS About Parijat I am a mind-body health specialist, trauma professional, speaker and author who teaches women how to deactivate their stress response before, during and after a high-risk pregnancy so they can improve fertility and pregnancy complications adn give their baby a strong start to life. My unique approach has served hundreds of women to manage pregnancy complications and reclaim a safety and trust in their bodies that they thought was eroded forever. I am also the author of bestselling book Pregnancy Brain: A MindBody Approach to Stress Management During a High-Risk Pregnancy. Also, I’m the host of the popular podcast Delivering Miracles®, that discusses the real, raw side of family-building including infertility, loss, high-risk pregnancy, bed rest, prematurity and healing once baby comes home. I’m a Bay Area native and love living in California with my partner and two rainbow babies. My favorite activities include baking, going for a hikes, watching musicals, listening to podcasts and bingeing shows on Netflix. My Story After my personal experience with infertility, loss and a very highrisk pregnancy, I realized how much was missing in terms of the support we provide women who are struggling to bring their babies home. I had been on bed rest for several weeks early in my pregnancy, already developed a few complications and I remember being on the sofa one day, feeling so anxious. It occurred to me then that if I were to reach out to a traditionally trained therapist, like I was, I knew what type of support they would provide, and it was through the lens of being the patient that I realized it was not what I needed. I didn’t want to learn how to cope with my anxiety. I wanted to learn how to prevent my anxiety from affecting my pregnancy complications. There were no resources available that I could find so I began listening deeply to my body, using whatever tools I knew to lessen my preterm contractions. When I was admitted to the hospital at 22 weeks and 4 days already dilated and with 5 complications already diagnosed, my doctors thought it was over and we were going to lose our son, but I wasn’t ready to give up. I could tell when tension in my body rose, when my anxiety spiked, so did my contractions. Now, we were able to see this on the monitors, so I committed myself to focusing solely on releasing tension from my body, keeping my body as relaxed as possible, so that whenever this baby decided to come, I would know without a doubt I did everything I could. Instead of delivering within 72 hours like my medical team predicted, I was able to stay pregnant for 15 days, which meant the difference between losing him and giving him a chance at survival. I made it a commitment that if we were to survive this and go home as a family, I was going to change my career and teach women how to release stress, anxiety, grief and trauma from their bodies to improve their pregnancy health and outcomes. A couple of years after my son came home, I made true on that promise, delving into the research of psychoneuroimmunology and somatic healing to find decades of studies showing the impact of stress on pregnancy length and complications. It was then I knew this is why I was put on this earth. From there, I built my practice and soon after, based on the tremendous results my clients were seeing, I published my book Pregnancy Brain: A Mind-Body Approach to Stress Management During a High-Risk Pregnancy. The book quickly became a #1 best seller on Amazon and was awarded one of the “best pregnancy books of all time” by Book Authority. NICU NICU stands for Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. It is the part of the hospital where preterm and full term newborns go for medical care after delivery. There are four levels of the NICU depending on the intensity of medical care that the newborn requires. We need more awareness around the NICU for a number of reasons. The experience of caring for your baby in the NICU can be traumatic and both mothers and fathers of NICU babies have
reported experiencing trauma symptoms during and after the baby’s NICU stay. However, support for unresolved trauma in the postpartum period is severely lacking for parents in the NICU and within the community. There’s also much that’s unknown about how being in the NICU impacts infant and child development, immediately after discharge and for months and years after. Sometimes new health complications can overwhelm and confuse parents who were told the impact of the NICU should be “over” by a certain period of time. More awareness will also allow loved ones of NICU parents to better understand the challenges and fears parents live with and how to better support them as they are fighting for their babies. Until then, having a baby in the NICU can feel like a tremendously isolating experience. When To Get Professional Help Grief is not a pathological condition that needs to be treated; therefore, not all mothers who experience baby or infant loss will require professional support. In fact, when we look at the physiology of grief and healing, we know that our bodies are designed to mourn and heal from a loss very successfully on its own without interventions if we support physiology, have the right community support and we allow ourselves to mourn. Professional support, should you choose to access it after a loss, has only one job, which is to help you experience the pain associated with the loss in a safe environment, so your body can heal. When the loss is associated with trauma, professional support can teach you how to resolve the trauma so the grief no longer remains stuck in the body. There are numerous diagnosis women are given after baby and infant loss are given including mood disorders, such as Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety disorders, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, if the loss was experienced as a trauma, it’s essential to be sure your diagnosing mental health provider is specifically trauma-trained so that an appropriate and accurate diagnosis can be made. What I Feel Isn't Spoken About Enough I would say it’s the life-long impact that the NICU or loss have. It’s not over when it’s over. While the trauma of having a baby in the NICU or losing a baby can be resolved, the memories of the experience never leave parents. This can show up for months or years as they remember their time in the NICU or their baby in their hearts around birthdays and holidays. Also, for many babies who are discharged from the NICU, there are often lingering health issues, some of which can be life-long. Setting expectations for parents that a baby should be developmentally caught up by a certain time, I believe in unfair and inaccurate. Every baby is different and will require different supports and timelines to support their development after being in the NICU. Putting the Blame on Yourself It’s easy to blame ourselves after pregnancy complications, preterm delivery and/or loss. There are often no adequate answers to why it happened and we feel responsible for not being able to protect our child, so we point the finger at ourselves, feeling broken, like a failure and ashamed of our bodies. The antidote to shame is selfcompassion. There is only so much anyone can tell you, only so many mantras and affirmations you can tell yourself. To truly rid yourself of the shame, the compassion has to come from within. The problem often lies in the ability to believe that we are deserving of that compassion, which is a trauma response. As you release trauma from your body and experience trauma resolution, compassion will follow. Advice to Mothers Who Have Miscarried and Are Pregnant Again I would start by saying, this is not in your head. Your anxiety makes perfect sense after what you have been through. This anxiety often stems from unresolved grief and/or unresolved
trauma from her past losses and I would encourage her to release that grief and trauma from her body so she can feel safe in her body and make room for joy. Breathwork, trauma-informed yoga, and somatic healing are some powerful tools to look into for trauma release during pregnancy. Pregnancy Brain is also filled with gentle, somatic tools to protect pregnancy from anxiety and unresolved grief and trauma. Supporting A Loved One Who Has Miscarried Say the baby’s name or nickname (if they have given the baby one). You will not make the parents feel worse by acknowledging the baby’s life. In fact, you will help them feel seen and supported by showing them you recognize the baby’s place in their family. Offer to help put together a memorial or a funeral service if the family would like to do that. Not all families will want this, so ask what their wishes are. Take over household tasks such as paying bills, doing laundry, filling the fridge, and watching their other children so the parents can focus their attention on grieving their loss. Sit with them in silence. Sometimes there are no words to be said, but they may want your company.
YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID AND THERE IS NO POINT BY WHICH YOU NEED TO BE
Something I'd Like to Say... There are no words to express the pain of the loss of a child, no matter how short your time was with them. Your feelings are valid and there is no point by which you need to be “over” your loss. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to mourn.
“OVER” YOUR
Closing Words There are days when I look at our life, our two children giggling together, our new home ready for us to create new memories, and it takes my breath away. Our life as it stands now is exactly what my partner and I had hoped and wished for with every cell of our being, and exactly the life we feared we’d never have while we fought for our children and healed from deep heartbreak. We have witnessed with our own eyes the resilience of the human body and the human spirit and every day we have in this beautiful life is a day we consider an absolute miracle.
LOSS.
@healthy.highriskpregnancy
parijatdesh
parijatdeshpande.com
INSIDE THE BOOK,
loved baby With Author
Sarah Philpott,Phd @sarahlphilpott
@sarahphilpottphd
allamericanmom.net
Invest in pouring into yourself and honoring the process of grief.
SECONDLY, START ENGAGING IN LIFE AGAIN.
About Sarah I live in a two-redlight town in south-east Tennessee. My highschool sweetheart of a husband and I (along with our three kids and one on the way) live on our cattle farm. I’ve been a teacher of elementary school and college. Now I write and help with our businesses. My ideal day would be beside any river, pool, or ocean playing in the water with my family and reading books.
My Story When our first child was almost two-years old my husband and I decided we wanted to expand our family. Unfortunately this wasn’t met with as much blissful ease as the first. I experienced two miscarriages back to back. The physical pain shocked me as did the intense emotional mourning I experienced. Anxiety became my companion. I felt like I was in a constant fog and, even though I had a surrounding of supportive friends and family, I felt so alone. The quest for “why” did this happen consumed me. Was it something I ate? Something I did? Self-blame was constantly whispering in my mind that it was all my fault. My heart hurt so badly. We finally did have a rainbow baby. Whew, Pregnancy after loss was no joke and I was in constant fear. But after my rainbow was born I started researching pregnancy loss- from a spiritual, medical, and grief research aspect, and wanted to wrap all that I was learning in a book. I wanted women to hear the stories of other families, to break down the myths of loss, and to offer love and support to women. My book, Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss, was born after my own pain and a desire to help other women be filled with hope and feel less alone.
"We finally did have a rainbow baby. Whew, Pregnancy after loss was no joke and I was in constant fear." Creating Loved Baby Above and beyond I just felt we, as women, needed more resources to help us on the journey after miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and stillbrith. ¼ pregnancies end in miscarriage and 1/160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. Yet, loss was a taboo topic and it needed to be brought into the light. My mother had a stillbirth at 7 months pregnant and my own miscarriages made me realize how many of us walk around with this silent pain. We deserved better. So I started creating the book. My desire was for it to be traditionally published. I was met with rejection after rejection because the topic was “too hard”. However, my agent and I persisted and I was blessed that BroadStreet Publishing offered me a contract on the book. They created it to be a stunning book that is both a keepsake and a valuable resource.
Impact Women continuously tell me that the book helped them feel less alone. It helped both them and their baby feel valued. Those are the greatest honors. To know that the words within the book have helped some women grapple with suicide, to face spousal issues, and to regain confidence is a humbling experience. Furthermore the book has received national accolades. It was the Selah Book of the Year, the Serious Writer Book of the Year, and also was honored by ECPA as a finalist in their devotional category alongside writers such as Ann Voskamp and Lysa Teurkerst-- this is one of the highest honors in the Christian Publishing world. Those awards are very special to me because the topic deserved the topic of loss deserved such respect.
Anniversaries Having a plan in place for the anniversary of loss or the due date helps the day proceed in the best way possible-especially in the first year after the loss. I write in Loved Baby about that issue and some ideas include: Treat yourself to a pedicure, manicure, or something indulgent. Go on a special date with your husband or best friend. Have a balloon release. Plant a tree or flower. Prepare a basket for a mama/baby pair who might be in financial need and take it to your local hospital. Prepare a basket for a mama who has just experienced pregnancy loss and take it to your local hospital. Buy yourself a token of remembrance to wear. Spend the day in nature. It helps to see the bigness of the world. Keep yourself busy with work or activities. I should also say that this might look different year to year. Do whatever works best for you. And if you want to invite others in to your mourning you need to let them know. Most people are horrible with dates and are not going to remember the exact calendar date of these days that are so tender to you. These days are hard, but remember you are loved.
Increased Risk of Depression and Anxiety Sadly its is so common to feel this guilt. Grief research shows us that self-blame is one of the most common reactions. But I want everyone to know that this guilt is completely misguided. Most often the loss can’t be explained or is a result of a chromosomal abnormality. You have to surrender the need of knowing “why” and look forward to the “what now” in your life. I write in the book that we must fight the whispers of self-blame by constantly feeding our minds with the truth that we are not at fault and if you are faith-based you can rest on the comfort that your child is in Heaven. I encourage women to repeat a meditation, scripture, or positive quote whenever those “voices” start entering our minds.
Supporting A Friend The most important task is to show love. This might look like a phone call, a text, a card in the mail, sending of flowers, baking cupcakes, or creating a beautiful gift basket filled with things such as a book, journal, tea bags, lotion, and other self-care items. I’d also recommend that you mark the date down in your smartphone calendar. This way on the anniversary of the loss you can reach out
to your friend to let her know you are thinking of her. Saying “I’m so sorry” is appropriate--you can’t take away the pain, but you can sit beside her in her pain. Don’t approach it as trying to fix the sadness, but as showing up with love and compassion.
The Advice You Never Asked For Every single person grieves differently, and that is okay. However, I think most all of us agree that the worst piece of advice or worst piece of solace comes from people making comments after loss such as, “It was God’s will”, “Just adopt”, “At least it was early”, “You can always try again”, or any other comment that doesn’t validate the life that you lost. We are mourning a specific child and that process should be honored and not brushed over with unconvincing platitudes. Most often the people uttering these phrases are searching for a way to help and they have an intent of kindness; however, it comes across as all wrong. The best thing to say is something to the affect of “There are no words, but just know that I am so sad for you and for all of us.”
Reoccurring Thoughts After Loss Oh my goodness. Those thoughts just come and come, don’t they? We really have to invest in pouring into ourselves and honoring the process of grief. In the early days this just means committing to getting out of bed, taking a shower, and eating. That can be hard enough, can’t it? But as time progresses we have to challenge ourselves to reconnect with who we are as women. What activities bring you comfort and peace? Exercise. Reading. Perhaps trying new experiences. Going out with your girlfriends. Catching a movie. It’s hard at first, but with time it will get easier to engage in life again. So I think this is a way to help the recurring thoughts. First, as I mentioned earlier pouring into your mind with truths and goodness and secondly, start engaging in life again. I recently heard an amazing quote. It said that grief does come in waves, but we don’t have to surf every wave. I’m currently pregnant so am facing the fear of loss. My strategy when these thoughts start invading is to just not allow my mind to surf that fear. Instead I just look around for another wave to ride, in other words I quickly think of what I can think about instead and let my mind wander that path.
Finally... I’m just so appreciative that I was allowed to write this book, that so many women and men shared their stories with men so readers would feel less alone, and that the book is making an impact. It is truly an honor. I’m in a place where I can honor my babes that I believe reside in Heaven, and move forward living the life I’ve been currently blessed to live. The women I’ve met through this process have been amazing. I don’t wish this on any of us, but seeing how most of us use this sadness to show love to others is very gratifying.
r majo in all e ! l !! b n a l Avai mazo and A s e r sto
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