BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXIX, Issue IV Jordan T. Raitses
Copy Desk Chief Elizabeth Elliot
Publishing Manager Patrick McAuliffe
Communications Manager Kayla Jimenez
Business Manager Alex Carros
Editor Emeritus Sean Glendon
Assistant Editor Taylor Dowd
Staff Writers
Thomas Casey Howard Hecht Dan Kersten Aditi Roy Pino Che David Keptsi Max Newman Dylan Klein
Special Thanks To:
Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
MAKE FINALS GREAT AGAIN
PAGE 8 5 Pop Goes the Science by Dan Kersten 6 Protect-Me-Not by Tom Casey 7 Introduction to Pokénomics by Patrick McAuliffe 10 Debate on Police in America by Dylan Klein 11 Universal Basic Income by Kayla Jimenez 12 I’m Not Tired of Winning by Pino Che 13 Yes; My President by Aditi Roy 14 100 Days Later: God-Emperor Trump’s Big Plan by David Keptsi 15 The Silent Majority Roars Again by Max Newman
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BINGHAMTON REVIEW
Vol. XXIX, Issue IV
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
W
From the Editor
ow, it’s already the end of the semester! Can you believe it? This has been a busy few months and boy are my arms tired. In all honesty, this has been a gruelling campaign: hard fought on both sides (it’s a race, Gary. A RACE). I expected a Trump victory--I’m no fan of his or Clinton’s, it just felt off--but I am more relieved that this is all done than anything. Of course, this issue is chock full of some of our writers’ *ahem* victory speeches. Max’s article on the Silent Majority and Pino Che’s on winning make my inner libertarian cringe, but that’s diversity for you. Aditi and David take a more academic look at the Trump victory, providing commentary on the present and future of a Trump presidency. On the less political side, Dan and Patrick discuss Pop Science’s harmful effects on real science and the economics of making the perfect Pokemon team. Tom provides his commentary on protectionist government policies and Kayla offers an alternative to the welfare state. Last but not least, Dylan gives coverage on the Police Debate held on campus between local Black Lives Matter members and two of our own writers! The centerfold of our issue (pages 8 and 9) is a collage of local dogs (and some of our staff ’s own) as well as exactly one squirrel. Good luck finding him, he’s hidden quite well. I was not kidding when I said that this election has been a tough one. Frankly, I need a break from politics, and it might be a good thing for others to have that chance as well. “But, Jordan, you’re Editor-in-Chief of a political magazine!” you might
say. And you’re right, astute reader. I cannot separate this magazine from politics, so I will instead focus on the things with which I take issue most. 1) Weird grammatical phrasings like “with which” 2) Identity-based politics. I sincerely believe identity politics to be the most vile and divisive thing introduced into the modern political discourse. Marxist ideologies hold that oppressed groups must stand up for one another and constantly fight back against their oppressors. This leads to divisions (women for women, black people for black people, etc.) and (positively) cross-sectionalism. Unfortunately, the needs of one group are often different from the needs of other groups. Coalitions only work when all sides aim towards the same goal. In the modern interpretation, that goal is the dismantling of white male power. But what about white females? Black males? Other mixed minority-majority groups? Identity politics creates an oppression olympics as groups strive to prove why they need everyone to focus on their needs first. In the end, you are left with the groups unable to form effective coalitions and a lot of angry, divided people without recourse. Progressive energy carries the right spirit, but it is being misused by the leaders of these inherently divisive movements. I’m only saying “wouldn’t it be nice if we all got along?” and not offering any concrete solutions. Maybe we’ll have an article elaborating in the future. Till then: good luck on finals and enjoy your holidays,
Jordan Raitses
Our Mission
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run periodical of conservative thought at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free exchange of ideas and offer an alternative viewpoint not normally found on our predominately liberal campus. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness that dominates this university. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
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CPampus resswatch According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can’t. I’ll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I’m excited. Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B’s. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That’s me! - Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I’d make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I’m glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I’m not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don’t waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That’s why we don’t need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Beemen. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it’s just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it’ll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She’s my cousin! She is? - Yes, we’re all cousins. - Right. You’re right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you’ll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. What’s the difference? You’ll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. So you’ll just work us to death? We’ll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! “What’s the difference?” How can you say that? One job forever? That’s an insane choice to have to make. I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I’ve never seen them this close. They know what it’s like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don’t come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You’re monsters! You’re sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don’t know. Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can’tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That’s more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It’s just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you’re wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren’t they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let’s have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I’d knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn’t it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We’re hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you’re not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We’re going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you’re interested in? - Well, there’s a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It’s a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn’t right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That’s a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son’s not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I’m not trying to be funny. You’re not funny! You’re going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You’re gonna be a stirrer? - No one’s listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I’m gonna get an ant tattoo! Let’s open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I’ll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody “dawg”! I’m so proud. - We’re starting work today! - Today’s the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them’s yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. What’d you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What’s available? Restroom attendant’s open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you’re on. I’m sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey’s always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He’s dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That’s life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator,
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stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we’ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I’m going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You’re gonna die! You’re crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone’s feeling brave, there’s a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn’t that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck’s restricted. It’s OK, Lou. We’re gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy’s in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That’s awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let’s move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I’m out! I can’t believe I’m out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It’s got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It’s a little bit of magic. That’s amazing. Why do we do that? That’s pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I’m picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don’t we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You’re reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don’t know, but I’m loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It’s a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama’s little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don’t think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you’re about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There’s a bee in the car! - Do something! - I’m driving! - Hi, bee. - He’s back here! He’s going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don’t move, he won’t sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan’t fly in rain. Oan’t fly in rain. Oan’t fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don’t need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It’s fantastic. It’s got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What’s number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don’t go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn’t talk to them. They’re out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they’re flabbergasted, can’t believe what I say. There’s the sun. Maybe that’s a way out. I don’t remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don’t kill him! You know I’m allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I’m just saying all life has value. You don’t know what he’s capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I’m not scared of him. It’s an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It’s a bee law. You’re not supposed to talk to a human. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve got to. Oh, I can’t do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can’t. How should I start it? “You like jazz?” No, that’s no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I’m sorry. - You’re talking. - Yes, I know. You’re talking! I’m so sorry. No, it’s OK. It’s fine. I know I’m dreaming. But I don’t recall going to bed. Well, I’m sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you’re a bee! I am. And I’m not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn’t for you... I had to thank you. It’s just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I’m talking with a bee. - Yeah. I’m talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I’m grateful. I’ll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. “Mama, Dada, honey.” You pick it up. - That’s very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don’t know. I mean... I don’t know. Ooffee? I don’t want to put you out. It’s no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It’s just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don’t be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn’t. - Have some. - No, I can’t. Oome on! I’m trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don’t help. You look great! I don’t know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He’s making the tie in the cab as they’re flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, “Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?” Is that a bee joke? That’s the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don’t know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can’t do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There’s my hive right there. See it? You’re in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I’m right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? It’s like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe
I’ll try that. - You all right, ma’am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it’s no trouble. Sorry I couldn’t finish it. If I did, I’d be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I’ll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can’t possibly work. He’s all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can’t believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don’t. - How’d you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I’m glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your “experience.” Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I’m not attracted to spiders. I know it’s the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can’t get by that face. So who is she? She’s... human. No, no. That’s a bee law. You wouldn’t break a bee law. - Her name’s Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She’s so nice. And she’s a florist! Oh, no! You’re dating a human florist! We’re not dating. You’re flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin’ stripey! And that’s not what they eat. That’s what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It’s bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We’re us. There’s us and there’s them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There’s no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He’s in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It’s been three days! Why aren’t you working? I’ve got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You’re barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father’s talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I’m talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I’ll catch up. Don’t be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We’re still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn’t respond to yelling! Then why yell at me? - Because you don’t listen! I’m not listening to this. Sorry, I’ve gotta go. - Where are you going? - I’m meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can’t decide? Bye. I just hope she’s Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that’s every florist’s dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I’ve got one. How come you don’t fly everywhere? It’s exhausting. Why don’t you run everywhere? It’s faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That’s insane! You don’t have that? We have Hivo, but it’s a disease. It’s a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It’s usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It’s a bug. He’s not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic ‘N’ Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You’ve really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I’ll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don’t have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it’s hard to make it! There’s heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It’s organic. - It’s our-ganic! It’s just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don’t know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You’ve taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it’s on sale?! I’m getting to the bottom of this. I’m getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I’ll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You’re busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you’ll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who’s your supplier? I don’t understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You’re too late! It’s ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they’re on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You’re not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I’m going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I’m going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It’s your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I’m Oarl Kasell. But don’t kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they’re getting it. I mean, that honey’s ours. - Bees hang tight. - We’re all jammed in. It’s a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you’re out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don’t want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood’s about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I’d catch y’all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it’s pretty much pure profit. What
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM The or g na ar c e s n a cs and our response s n bo d In case you can e he or g na ar c e s “Bee Mov e Scr p ” rom P pe dream They orgo ha he mov e hose an ma s is this place? A bee’s got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That’s the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. “They make the honey, and we make the money”? Oh, my! What’s going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn’t last too long. Do you know you’re in a fake hive with f
enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you’ve never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven’t. No, you haven’t. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I’m feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That’s not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you’re devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that’s ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn’t. But is this what it’s come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don’t have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn’t a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn’t someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You’re all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury’s on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I’m a florist. Right. Well, here’s to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn’t think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn’t want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There’s a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you’re quite a tennis player. I’m not much for the game myself. The ball’s a little grabby. That’s where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn’t really a special skill. You think I don’t see what you’re doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That’s just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I’m going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I’ve just about had it with your little mind games. What’s that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I’ve got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You’re bluffing. - Am I? Surf ’s up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don’t even like honey! I don’t eat it! We need to talk! He’s just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you’re one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you’re three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that’s had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit’s a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I’m done with the humans, they won’t be able to say, “Honey, I’m home,” without paying a royalty! It’s an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It’s pretty big, isn’t it? I can’t believe how many humans don’t work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What’s the matter? - I don’t know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn’t the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you’re representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you’re representing all the bees of the world? I’m kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we’re ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man’s divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn’t some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no trickery here. I’m just an ordinary bee. Honey’s pretty important to me. It’s important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us ‘cause we’re the little guys! I’m hoping that, after this is all over, you’ll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he’d dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don’t imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn’t hear you. - No. - No. Because you don’t free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They’re very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How’d you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that’s enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police.
But you’ve never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven’t. No, you haven’t. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I’m feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That’s not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you’re devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that’s ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn’t. But is this what it’s come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don’t have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn’t a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn’t someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! You’re all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury’s on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I’m a florist. Right. Well, here’s to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. Ken! - Hello. I didn’t think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn’t want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There’s a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you’re quite a tennis player. I’m not much for the game myself. The ball’s a little grabby. That’s where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn’t really a special skill. You think I don’t see what you’re doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That’s just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I’m going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I’ve just about had it with your little mind games. - What’s that? Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that’s a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can’t seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I’m wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I’ve got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! You’re bluffing. - Am I? Surf ’s up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don’t even like honey! I don’t eat it! We need to talk! He’s just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you’re one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I’m sorry about all that. I know it’s got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn’t overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he’s considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you’ve gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it’s gonna be all over. Don’t worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don’t like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I’ll ask you what I think we’d all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We’re friends. Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I’ve seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn’t your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren’t your real parents! - Oh, Barry... Yes, they are! Hold me back! You’re an illegitimate bee, aren’t you, Benson? He’s denouncing bees! Don’t y’all date your cousins? - Objection! - I’m going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don’t! It’s what he wants! Oh, I’m hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can’t treat them like equals! They’re striped savages! Stinging’s the only thing they know! It’s their way! Adam, stay with me. - I can’t feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn’t I? It doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re alive. You could have died. I’d be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there’s a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can’t explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I’m sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We’re just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don’t know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn’t sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don’t check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don’t smoke. Right. Bees don’t smoke. Bees don’t smoke! But some bees are smoking. That’s it! That’s our case! It is? It’s not over? Get dressed. I’ve gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you’ve done step correctly, you’re ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it’s interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don’t make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven’t these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court’s valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I
move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I’m afraid I’m going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery’s motion. But you can’t! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It’s a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn’t hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, “Smoking or non?” Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and manmade wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He’s playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I’m OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won’t have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You’ll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery’s right? - What do you mean? We’ve been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we’ll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, badbreath stink machine. We’re all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He’ll have nauseous for a few hours, then he’ll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it’s just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Oan’t breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there’s gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We’ve never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Oannonball! We’re shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn’t believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What’s going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They’re home. They don’t know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn’t? It’s the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can’t. I don’t understand why they’re not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They’re doing nothing. It’s amazing. Honey really changes people. You don’t have any idea what’s going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They’re all wilting. Doesn’t look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I’m gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn’t think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It’s notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That’s our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there’s no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn’t it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I’ll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They’ve moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It’s the last chance I’ll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I’m sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can’t do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That’s why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down? Oould you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I’ve ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I’ve made it worse. Actually, it’s completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it’s greater than my previous ideas combined. I don’t want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they’ve got back here with what we’ve got. - Bees. - Park. Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia. They’ve got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It’s real. Sorry, ma’am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? I believe I’m the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I’m getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let’s see what this baby’ll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there’s no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It’s part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we’re lucky, we’ll have just enough pollen to do the job. Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It’s got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we’ll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They’ll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Oan I get
help with the Sky Mall magazine? I’d like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Oaptain, I’m in a real situation. - What’d you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don’t freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I’m an attorney! - Who’s an attorney? Don’t move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One’s bald, one’s in a boat, they’re both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? No! No one’s flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What’s your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I’m a florist from New York. Where’s the pilot? He’s unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who’s that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It’s got giant wings, huge engines. I can’t fly a plane. - Why not? Isn’t John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We’re headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That’s Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There’s a bee on that plane. I’m quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They’ve done enough damage. But isn’t he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn’t be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven’t we heard this a million times? “The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense.” - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We’re going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That’s why I want to get bees back to working together. That’s the bee way! We’re not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn’t so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. And now we’re not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let’s get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I’d do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don’t have to yell. I’m not yelling! We’re in a lot of trouble. It’s very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It’s not a tone. I’m panicking! I can’t do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it’s my turn. How is the plane flying? I don’t know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let’s drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can’t see anything. Oan you? No, nothing. It’s all cloudy. Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I’m feeling something. - What? - I don’t know. It’s strong, pulling me. Like a 27-millionyear-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We’re going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That’s it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I’m aiming at the flower! That’s a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This’s the only way I know how to fly. Am I kookoo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don’t be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Oome on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we’re not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We’re the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we’re gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains? We’re bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You’ve earned this. Yeah! I’m a Pollen Jock! And it’s a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That’s our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now’s the time. I got a feeling we’ll be working late tonight! Here’s your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who’s next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don’t forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it’s all me. And I don’t see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I’m sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I’m late. He’s a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can’t get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You’re a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who’s next? All right, scramble, jocks! It’s time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let’s just stop for a second. Hold it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here? I’m not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.
Vol. XXIX, Issue IV
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Pop Goes the Science!
POP GOES THE SCIENCE
By Dan Kersten
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cience is truly a wonderful thing. From rigorous experimentation and observation arises knowledge and facts. Who wouldn’t love that? I sure do. Of course other people do not follow science, or enjoy science too much, and that’s fine. Luckily, there is hope: popular science. Popular science, also called pop science, is the field of journalism which covers scientific research, whether it be in the medical field or the natural sciences. It serves an important purpose in our world, it brings scientific news to the masses who are most likely not subscribers to the Journal of the American Medical Association or Nature. By informing the “average” citizen, people can be informed on the latest scientific developments. For clarity’s sake, I just want to explain that by “average,” or “uninformed,” I do not mean uneducated or dimwitted, I mean people who do not work or study in science fields. These may be lawyers or teachers who do not specialize in scientific fields but still hold a casual interest in the subject. Yet with great power comes great responsibility, as Ben Parker would say. In my humble opinion, just as science should be objective and unbiased so should the reporting of said science. Unfortunately, current pop science seems to be falling short on this mark. Instead of trying to report on scientific updates, pop science sites seem to be trying to push a certain narrative in its reporting. The most recent example of this narrative-pushing can be seen after the release of a study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism. The study analyzed the effects of intramuscular injections of norethisterone enanthate and testosterone undecanoate into male patients. The theory behind this is that testosterone levels would increase, creating a negative feedback loop prohibiting spermatogenesis (the production of sperm). The goal of this article is not to discuss the study’s results. However,
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just to sooth any curiosity, the study found a nearly 96 percent success rate in lowering spermatogenesis via the injections. Furthermore, nearly 95 percent of users were able to see fertility rates return to normal after stopping the injections. I want to discuss the media reaction after the trial’s publication. I am disappointed in how many outlets used pop science as a method to further an agenda and not to report objective facts (which should be the goal of anything science-related). The controversy the media picked up was not the major conclusion of the study; it stemmed from the rationale behind the trial’s early termination. The trial was halted early because of negative side effects. This is what drove many writers over the edge. Erin Coulehan, a writer for Salon, wrote in an article tagline “Millions of women across the world do not feel sorry for the participants in a male contraceptive trial.” The writer continued to lament that “Thirty percent of women on Food and Drug Administration-approved forms of birth control suffer the side effect of depression… [only] 3 percent of men – that’s 3 out of 100 – experienced symptoms of depression [in the study].” Jokingly, the author called for a sex strike by women saying she was “sure that might expedite the process” of studying male birth control. Another writer, Sonya Chemaly, for The Huffington Post, entitled her article over the controversy “That Male Birth Control Story? Women Are Laughing Because We’re So Fed Up.” Chemaly stated that “Women around the world were thrown into fits of side-splitting laughter,” after hearing that men could not handle the side effects of the study and the study had to be prematurely halted. Many commentators held this story as proof of gender inequality in health care. I am sorry, but not in this case. To clarify, I sympathize with women on hormonal birth control which can have negative side effects including
nausea, mood swings, and issues with periods among many others. Secondly, many of the commentators explained that men, overwhelmingly, do not know that birth control comes with notable side effects which is undoubtedly true. And, yes, there are gender biases in healthcare. I am not doubting that, there are studies to prove it. This study was not halted because a few men felt mood swings and the researchers panicked. You see, any clinical trial that is approved by an internal review board (IRB) has to have certain cutoffs for side effects. It is highly unethical to continue a study when you are knowingly hurting patients. The rate of side effects went beyond the study’s limitations and, therefore, had to be halted. That is not gender bias; that is following the rules of the IRB. Scientists, especially medical scientists, are ethically not allowed to knowingly do harm to subjects. If harm is suspected, it is their duty to halt the trial. Science is unbiased for a reason. The only way science can come to a consensus is by reporting objectively. If the goal of pop science is to educate the masses on science, then it too must be objective and unbiased. Ethically, it ought not to promote an agenda. However, there is hope. Reporter Sarah Hagi for Broadly (a publication from the Vice Channels which “provide[s] a sustained focus on the issues that matter most to women”), does an excellent job in her article. Hagi objectively reports the finding, explains what these findings mean, and addresses complications future research may face. She does mention that the symptoms of the injections were “not entirely dissimilar from what many women using hormonal birth control currently experience,” but she does not make that the highlight of her article or attempt to decry gender biases in healthcare or tell men to “man up.” Hagi simply reports the facts and implications of the study. That is what pop science ought to do: inform, not politicize.
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PROTECT-ME-NOT
Protect-Me-Not
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By Thomas Casey
Jeez-louise is the New Age protectionist movement really getting on my nerves. Here’s an economic pillar we should have put long behind us that is rearing its head nonstop. I thought we settled the “Buy American - We’re Losing Our Jobs” battle a good number of years ago. It was right around the time we all stopped for a moment and looked at the tags on all our clothes. When those little fabric slips have the names of more countries than you can imagine, you more or less have to surrender to a global economy. Seemingly out of nowhere, Americans are rearing up against international trade. I can’t really blame the men and women who rally within the anti-trade groups. I’m more flustered at the asinine figureheads who routinely push international trade as the Great American Enemy. International trade, or free trade, is super incredibly fantastic and though it comes with some downsides, overall it is an extremely beneficial endeavor for our country and the world at large. The coolest part of international trade is that you can label all of your possessions as fancy imports. If someone asks where your dress came from, boldly state that it is an extravagant import. The simple designation is enough to raise your stature. Of course, the dress may not hail from a cool importing country like France, but it is an import nonetheless. Beyond the flair of boasting about the lovely imported items you have, free trade has numerous benefits for pretty much everyone. The helpfulness of international trade becomes apparent, ironically, if you dissect the protectionist argument. Protectionists will always pound their chests and announce that the trade with other countries is bad because it will ship jobs, particularly those in manufacturing, overseas. Start here. Why would the jobs go overseas? They shift over because Americans will buy these products from the international sellers instead of the domestic producers. Why do Americans swap their purchasing habits? The international offerings, for a variety of reasons, are cheaper. And the quality? The goods coming in on the ships are just as good or even better than the ones from home. I have a tough time seeing the problem here. Americans are getting cheap, excellent goods. What is the point in denying access to them? If American producers can’t make good, affordable items, who should the government force consumers to buy American? In no other industry than international trade does the government actively work to deny Americans affordable, high quality goods. Imagine if a entrepreneurial woman sets up a giant mysterious factory in Downtown Binghamton. Her machines have the crazy capability to change wheat into steel. Wheat is plentiful in Binghamton and everyone can grow good wheat crops. Steel is tougher to find but this woman now can produce tons at will. The local steel mills, long mired in high cost and low quality steel, have to close because of this factory’s incredible capabilities. Binghamton University would rejoice as the woman’s mill continues to transfigure excess wheat into grade-a steel. In fact, with lower cost, perfect steel, the University breaks ground on yet another ITC expansion. Essentially, the farmers are hap-
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py because the lady buys the old wheat, the lady is happy because she is making money, and the locals are happy because all their buildings have solid steel. The original steel mill owners have moved on, conceding defeat to their fierce rival. Everything’s fantastic until a roguish local boy sneaks into the factory. He notices that there is no such machine at all. Instead, the woman is putting the wheat on a boat that is on its way to Japan! In exchange, the Japanese float a boat of steel to her location up the Chenango River! The boy informs the local council. The politicians fire up the protectionist argument. The original mill owners slam back onto the scene with the “she took our jobs” accusation. Students from Newing College topple the in-progress ITC 3 in protest. The magic mill is closed, and the entrepreneurial woman is shunned. Her crime: bringing low cost, high quality steel into America. How dare she! The point of the story is how irrational people can act when an international presence confronts them. Everyone accepted the magic machine the woman purported. But international trade, the true magic machine that turns wheat into steel, is utterly undesirable. The goal of the consumer is to find high quality at low cost. The government should never step in the way of that pursuit, even if international trade gets involved. A stronger realization of trade comes from a popular war tactic. In the Civil War, the biggest blow the Union gave to the Confederacy was a near airtight blockage of the Southern States. Union patrols allowed no goods to enter or leave the rebellion regions. The blockade devastated the economy and the people. America again implemented a blockade over Japan, preventing the external flow of goods. In wartime, the halt of international trade is a powerful tool to force submission of a nation. The blockade is a great weapon capable of inflicting enormous damage. Why is it then that our country, in times of peace, seeks to inflict this damage onto itself? Onerous tariffs, quotas, and anti-trade laws accomplish the same malignant results that strategic blockades aim to accomplish. If anti-trade is a tool of war, either on enemies or on oneself, then free trade is a tool of peace. A famous pro-trade expression goes, “If goods are crossing borders, then armies are not.” Crucial trade not only connects consumers with deals on great goods. It can foster a reliance between nations. When entire economies benefit greatly on one another, the prospect of war becomes smaller and smaller. Countries may not like each or respect each other but if trillions of dollars are at stake, they will surely not attack each other. I found this point to be the ultimate irony. Protectionist policies are horrendously misnamed. They do not protect consumers. They do not protect our security. In fact, protectionist policies are among the greatest underminers of our protection.
Vol. XXIX, Issue IV
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INTRODUCTION TO POKÉNOMICS
Introduction to Pokénomics By Patrick McAuliffe
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s a respite from this exhausting election season and the disastrous outcome (congratulations President Trump and my deepest condolences to America), I’d like to provide for you in this issue both a lesson in basic economic theory and an indulgence in your inner nerd. Here I will use the scenario of building a competitive Pokémon team to explain absolute and comparative advantage. Which form of Shaymin should fill what role? Which should you use as a primary Special Attacker: Salamence or Hydreigon? The answers to these, and many more questions, depend heavily on personal preference, but it is not just subjective judgment; some Pokémon’s statistics simply have a comparative advantage over others. Unless you’re playing in Smogon’s “Little Cup” or my personal invention of “Baby Battles,” you won’t be putting basic Pokémon on your team. We’ll mostly stick with Pokémon that are fully evolved or don’t evolve. Choosing a Pokemon’s specialization is pretty straightforward; Game Freak has already made certain Pokémon the best (like no one ever was) in some stats. The trouble comes in when you have a member of your team that is very good in two different categories of stats. Which do you have it specialize in? Assume that each attack a Pokémon makes is something it “produces,” to various degrees of “efficiency”, or power. This efficiency is determined by its base stats. Although base stats are fixed, they can be improved selectively with things called “effort values”, or EVs. By battling certain Pokémon or playing certain minigames, a Pokémon’s EVs can grow to increase a certain stat’s “efficiency.” A Pokémon like Sunkern or Azurill is not very efficient in anything, with base stat totals of less than 200 and no single stat reaching over 50. By contrast, Pokémon like Mega Mewtwo or Primal Groudon have base stat totals of over 750, with single stats reaching as high as 190. The attacks “produced”
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by the latter Pokémon are much more “efficient” than those made by the former. This is the basic law of absolute advantage. Where comparative advantage comes in is when you’re deciding what your Pokémon should specialize in, taking into account the opportunity cost of having certain stats be at their weakest and whether those weaknesses are covered by other members of your team. Let’s shy away from the Sunkerns and Azurills and use some examples you might actually put on your team. We’ll start with easy numbers, ones you might see in a real Economics class, and the two forms of Shaymin, which I guarantee you will not see in a real Economics class. We’ll be comparing the Land and Sky Formes of Shaymin and the stats of Defense and Speed, to keep the variables simple. Both Shaymin forms have base stat totals of 600. Land Forme Shaymin has both Defense (Def) and Speed (Spd) stats of 100, while Sky Forme Shaymin has a Def of 75 and a Spd of 127. This is where you need to calculate the opportunity cost of each stat: how many points of Def are being “given up” to allow for maximum “efficiency” of Spd. Land Forme Shaymin’s opportunity cost is pretty easy: for every one point of Def, one point of Spd is given up. Sky Forme Shaymin, however, has different opportunity costs: for one point
of Def Sky Forme Shaymin would give up 1.693 points of Spd. Conversely, the opportunity cost for Sky Forme’s 1 point of Spd is 0.59 points of Def. The two forms of Shaymin have very clear differences in their opportunity costs: Land Forme Shaymin should be raised to have a higher Def, while Sky Forme Shaymin should be geared more to Spd. We’ll use two of my favorite Dragon-type pseudo-legendaries, Salamence and Hydreigon, next. I’m trying to figure out which type of Attack each one should focus on, physical (Atk) or special (SpAtk). Both Dragons have base stat totals of 600. Salamence has 135 Atk and 110 SpAtk, while Hydreigon has 105 Atk and 125 SpAtk. If Salamence wanted to focus purely on Atk, it would be giving up .814 SpAtk points for every point of Atk. If Salamence was more SpAtk oriented, it would give up 1.23 Atk points for every point of SpAtk. Now let’s look at Hydreigon. Hydreigon’s opportunity cost for Atk would be 1.19 SpAtk to every 1 Atk. For every 1 SpAtk point, Hydreigon’s opportunity cost is .84 Atk points. Therefore, if we’re looking for the most “efficient” attacks from these two Dragons, Salamence should focus on Atk and Hydreigon should focus on SpAtk. I’m sorry if none of those names made any sense. Clearly this piece was written with a very narrow audience in mind. However, I do hope I was successful in providing a handy, if perhaps indecipherable, distraction from the political landscape around us. I suppose I wanted to use these cute Japanese creatures as a way to encourage more research, more study of empirical data, more focus on facts and evidence, and a more strategic stance to the world around you. If all that the universe seems to be giving you is Sunkerns and Azurills, I charge you to find a way to make their comparative advantages work for you. After all, everyone has a comparative advantage in something.
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Vol. XXIX, Issue IV
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Stressed about finals? Trump’s winning the presidency got you down? (jk, you read Binghamton Review) We at the Review understand our readers’ needs so we decided to share some of the dogs around campus (and our own dogs) with you in this trying time. We’re not even being political right now; we just wanted a moment to share these wonderful freinds of ours and of the whole campus community. Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled politcal shitposting. P.S. No dogs were harmed in the making of this magazine
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DEBATE ON POLICE IN AMERICA
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Debate on Police in America By Dylan Klein
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t 6 pm on Friday, November 4th, the Student Association, collaborating with both the Multicultural Resource Center and Speech and Debate, hosted a debate on police and community relations in Chamber Hall. The debate was hosted by Bobby Black and moderated by Jazell Johnson and Jeffrey Twitty. The affirmative and opposing sides were each represented by two debaters, both of whom were expected to make equal contributions to support his side’s claims. Arguing on the affirmative side, which represented a generally favorable view of police, were seniors Thomas Casey and Alex Carros, both members of the Binghamton Review. On the opposing side, representing a more critical view of police, were seniors Lenny Herrera and Raul Cepin, both Latin American and Caribbean Area Studies majors. There were approximately 40 people in attendance. Before the debate started, the moderators recognized the limitations of debate as a medium of discourse on political issues, because of its emphasis on counter arguments rather than shared perspectives. Mr. Black made reference to the emotionally charged and potentially triggering subject material being debated, and informed the audience that they could leave at any time or seek assistance from the trained staff that was present. The moderators set the ground rules for the debate, stressing that cordial relations must be maintained at all times and that the debaters should attack their opponents ideas rather than the opponents themselves. The format of the debate was as follows: five minute opening statements by both sides, followed by a three minute rebuttal each, and then thirty minutes of q and a, and finally three minutes for closing statements. The affirmative side opened by arguing that police, since the 1990’s, have done an effective job of keeping America safe, with their use of proactive rather than reactive policing. They cited a statistic that 76 percent of Americans have deep respect for police, and that the media, President Obama, and many intellectuals are creating a false narrative that police officers are not to be trusted and are systemically racist. The affirmative side pointed out that this rhetoric has led to violence against cops, citing a statistic that shows a 17 percent increase of shootings. The opposing side opened with the claim that proactive policing has not worked. They called into question the validity of the statistics used by the affirmative and gave an analogy of a teacher failing black students in a classroom to represent what was happening with police and the arresting of black people. In the case of the aforementioned teacher, she failed three out of four black students while failing ten out of one hundred white students. More white students in terms of sheer number failed, but in terms of percentage, a higher percentage of black students failed. The opposing side drew a comparison between this purposeful failing of a higher percentage of black students to the arresting of a higher percentage of black people in real life. Furthermore, the opposition side reminded the audience that stop and frisk was ruled unconstitutional and called for equal policing in equal communities. Their main claim is that the police system currently in place is a legacy of slavery.
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The affirmative countered by pointing to statistics that demonstrate that black people commit more crimes than white people so it makes more sense to police black communities more. The only way to properly stop black communities from being policed more heavily than white communities, is for blacks to stop committing crimes, and to avoid single motherhood. The opposing side argued in return that the federal government should increase social services funding and decrease police funding. They also claimed that the legal system is structurally adjusted to protect cops who kill blacks and Latinos. The opening statements and rebuttals gave the audience a good insight into the stark contrasts of the positions taken. The question and answer section, while slightly less informative, did offer a couple new insights that were missed in the first part of the debate. One question that elicited a noticeably different response from the two sides was whether police officers playing baseball with members of the community would benefit the community by doing so. The affirmative responded by saying that the police getting involved in the community is always positive. In addition, the affirmative claim that the media, politicians, and academia misrepresent police officers by refusing to acknowledge the positive impact they can have on communities. The opposing side struck a much different stance on the question. They argued that communities need social workers rather than police officers, implying a possible complete overhaul of the system in place. They pointed out that officers playing baseball with communities doesn’t represent the totality of the system as a whole, especially the blue code of silence among officers who protect their fellow cops who have killed a civilian. Another question that showed the differences in the rhetoric of the two sides was what area of policing needs the most change? Carros and Casey argued that the police should increase the transparency of police investigations involving incidents with civilians, and increase the understanding civilians have on the complexity of the job. They proposed two ways in which this could be achieved. An independent investigator could be brought in to make decisions and conclude investigations on incidents between police and civilians. Also, body cameras could be used more widely on officers as a way of providing more info on conflicts between police and civilians. Overall, this Student Association event was definitely successful in that the four students on stage were able to have a civil conversation about an issue about which both sides had very conflicting beliefs. Credit is due to all four of the debaters, as they were all well prepared with statistics and well-formulated arguments, and spoke eloquently and passionately in support of their beliefs. The moderators and Mr. Black did a good job of ending the event by showing the audience ways in which to learn more about the issue of police and the community, and how to get involved to make a positive difference. Hopefully, the Student Association will look for other partner organizations to convene more events to further academic conversations in the future.
Vol. XXIX, Issue IV
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Universal Basic Incomes
UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOMES
By Kayla Jimenez
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n late October, the French Senate released a report on basic income that, according to basicincome.org, “formally commits to the testing of a basic income in France.” A basic income (aka a universal/ unconditional basic income, Citizen’s Income, basic income guarantee, guaranteed national income) is a form of social security that guarantees that all citizens in a country receive a sum of money, unconditionally, from the government or some sort of reigning public institution, regardless of any other personal income earned or received. At first, it sounds totally crazy. I first heard of a basic income back in January (shouts to Reddit!) when it was announced that the French National Assembly was to vote on testing a universal basic income in certain French provinces. At last, the testing is to begin. Apparently, the concept has been around since the late 1700s. According to the basic income Wikipedia page, the idea of a basic income dates back to Thomas Paine’s Agrarian Justice, and the concept was often referred to as a “social dividend” until around 1986 (thx for the dope factz Wiki! luv u 4evr). Once I remembered my trust in human rationality, I knew that a universal basic income wouldn’t be tested in France if it was totally crazy. So, I thought about the idea. I considered how others would react to a universal income, especially in the United States; Americans already complain that our country has become a “welfare state” without any talk of the implementation of a basic income. On the other end, Americans also complain about ~institutional racism~, glass ceilings, the top 1%, social safety nets, unequal opportunities to “climb the ladder”... you know the drill. I was intrigued. I love things that can both appeal to and piss off people of varying opinions and ideologies. Welfare in America is very complicated, costly, and often highly inefficient, but there is just cause for having some form of welfare in place, because shit happens. The biggest problem I have with the current state of welfare in America is its inefficiency. Many other people have the same grievance. Not only does it consume an exorbitant amount of tax dollars, time, and physical space, it often fails to really assist those in need of welfare and does little to truly get people out of poverty and onto the path of success. There are also complaints that a certain subset of people live off of welfare and unemployment and have no motivation to better themselves and their lives because welfare programs offer an incentive to remain in poverty. But, the United States as a whole generally accepts that some form of a “safety net” is inevitably necessary, and that it is the government’s responsibility to “protect” its people. The best thing about a guaranteed national income is that it appeals to people across the political spectrum. The arguments in support of a basic income are agreeable. Current welfare programs are inefficient, mainly because of administrative and distribution issues. Having a universal income would either be similar in cost to current welfare programs or actually less costly. Allowing people to individually allocate the basic income would be more efficient in solving poverty and welfare
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issues than welfare programs and social workers. A guaranteed national income would eliminate the need for minimum wage laws and basic incomes take the government out of people’s private lives while giving them more autonomy. I’m all about eliminating inefficiencies, shrinking the realm of the government’s responsibilities and powers, autonomous citizens, and individualism, but nothing is without flaws. There are, of course, arguments against it, including the fact that a basic income would alter and likely decrease incentives for people to work (similar argument people have against welfare programs like unemployment). Also, those in need would be receiving the same assistance as those not in need and the amount of money needed to guarantee basic incomes is being underestimated. The arguments for and against universal guaranteed incomes are valid. However, since there are seemingly more issues with our current, complex welfare system and all its programs, there’s a chance a basic income could be a solution. Plus, with both welfare programs and universal basic incomes, there is incentive to avoid work and live off benefits and high costs of providing these benefits. The major difference is that administrative inefficiencies of welfare distribution would be eliminated by letting people individually manage their basic incomes. Most democratic governments already spend millions and billions of dollars providing “safety net” programs for those in need. But, not every cent of this money is utilized to its full potential. I’m not just saying this to be like “OMG the government is SO inefficient, we need privatization and lower spending and blah blah.” My mom is a social worker, and her stories – some of personal success and triumph, most indirectly exposing the inefficiencies of the government’s execution of welfare distribution – are a source of my confidence in the success of a basic income, comparative to the failures of current welfare programs. I asked her about some of the inefficiencies she notices on a daily basis. Some are small: large amounts of paper being thrown away, filing inefficiencies, management errors, lazy coworkers. Others are more significant. When people go to the Department of Social Services in many counties in New York, they are required to fill out tons of forms, which is a given. There is a huge, very repetitive packet of forms that is given to all people requesting services, regardless of whether or not their information is already on record, ignoring the fact that many of these people have previously filled out a majority of the forms in the packet if not the entire thing, and it takes forever to fill out. Also, a lot of the information requested in the packet is completely irrelevant to the matter at hand. Half of the time, those in need of assistance cannot complete the entire packet and therefore cannot receive any assistance. Hundreds, if not thousands, of these packets are thrown out repeatedly, and people are forced to leave without any benefits distributed to them. Not only does it waste the time of those seeking aid, it wastes employees’ time as well. My mom believes there is a lot of time and resources wast-
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I’M NOT TIRED OF WINNING ed in the Department of Social Services. She says that it is not uncommon for things to be done that are a waste of time. Occasionally, cases are picked up that aren’t pertinent, important, or “stupid,” in my mom’s words, and the client needs to be seen a minimum of two times before the case is pursued or discarded, as is mandated by NYS law. Picking up these cases takes time and resources away from pursuing other more important cases. I asked her if she thinks she gets a lot accomplished and feels she is able to help a lot of people, and she replied “not really… I would say there’s a lot of waste. A lot of people do scam the programs.” But, she agrees that we need some form of a social “safety net” and believes that a guaranteed national income may be the way of the future. I’m still unsure whether or not it would work (not like you expected me to have all of the answers). I have faith in a universal basic income because it can be appealing to people with differing ideologies and beliefs. People who lean towards the left want everyone to have an even, equal playing field. Their main problem with welfare programs is that they are failing to create equality of opportunity. What’s more equal than giving all people the same basic income? People who lean towards the right would be pleased with the reduction of costly and inefficient
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM welfare programs, the elimination of minimum wage laws by establishing a national guaranteed income, and the increased autonomy of citizens. As Patrick put it in his article I Love Weed, Fuck the Poor, “a guaranteed national income allows for the perfect middle ground and middle step between government “coddling” and people taking personal responsibility for their choices. Instead of designated funds every month for specific goods that allow for a lifetime abuse of the welfare system, people can now use their guaranteed income for whatever they deem appropriate. They can save it, they can spend it on food, they can gamble it away, they can spend it on drugs… The kicker here is that the individual gets to decide how to use the money to improve their life, and any positive result they glean from it can be credited to their smart financial management. Conversely, if they manage to screw it up and blow it all, those consequences are on them.” In the coming years, we will see the results of experiments and trials implementing basic incomes. Not only will these trials be happening in France, there is also an upcoming experiment in Utrecht, Netherlands. It will be interesting to see if the theoretical pros are pros in reality, and same goes for the cons. It’s definitely something to keep an eye on.
I’m Not Tired of Winning By Pino Che
God damn, did we win bigly. Yes, bigly. We won not only the House, not only the Senate but also the Executive Branch! That’s right folks! It is now OUR turn to win. It is now our turn to make sure we can secure the existence of right wing culture and the future of western civilization. If Trump acts swiftly, we can dominate the Supreme Court for the next 20 years by appointing younger justices, providing security for the existence and persistence of right wing culture. However, this is not the time to become lackadaisical because we have won. Now is time to retake both the government and the culture. We must aim to shoot so far right that the conservatives of today will be seen as liberals and the moderate liberals of today will appear to be Stalinists. The goal is not to retreat, not to step down. In the current year, the right is the left of twenty years ago, and that is unacceptable. If we want to reclaim the ground lost and finally win the culture war, which has been raging against us with no signs of retreat, then we will lose. Trump promises us to win so much that we are going to get tired of winning. Just because we won the house, the senate, the presidency, and by default, the Supreme Court, doesn’t mean it is time to be stagnant. In fact, it is time to eliminate all competition. It is time, as I said before, to end this sham that is democracy and eliminate universal suffrage, win the war on drugs, win the culture war, and restore tradition to our country. No longer will we feel ashamed that Western Civilization is far superior to every single civilization that has ever spawned throughout history. No longer will we apologize for our history, our ancestors, our achievements. To all those on the left, it’s all ogre now for you. The Donald has won and effectively destroyed the neo-conservative, aka cuckservative, voice from the Right. It is now time for you to
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realize that your role in society is nothing more than to be a worthless artist at most and physically removed at least. There is no room for you anymore in the political conversation... sorry. This should have happened a long time ago. I was cool with you being around until I realized that you never were cool with me being around. See, the left really isn’t about diversity of opinions, and they don’t really care about freedom of expression or ideas. Since the inception of the left, leftists have been solely about their way or the highway, and the right has been constantly cucking, allowing them to continue to oppress and attack us. If we don’t try to stop them now, when we have the chance, they will end us. They are hell bent on destroying everything we have, everything we love, and everything our ancestors built. The American dream will fall apart if we do not force it to continue. We cannot agree with this failed attitude of NAP, or the non-aggression principle: the myth that we can have real social change and real political change if we continue to not have our opinions forced when it is our time. When the left has their time to force their worldview down everyone’s throat, they do, and they do so with a smile on their face while telling you it’s socially wrong for you to disagree. The really scary thing is the left almost won and can still win. But because they have high time preference and want immediate gratification they tried to thrust the dildo that is left wing culture and views up the asses of America too soon, with no foreplay, no lube or anything. Luckily, we stopped that and we won. But let us not get tired of winning. Remember the day we do not use immediate force to enact our policies is the day we fail. Celebrate for this week, but next week, get back to work spreading the word that is right wing politics.
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Yes; My President
YES; MY PRESIDENT
By Aditi Roy
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hat happened on election night was absolutely unpredictable and proved every media pundit, poll, vapid celebrity, and President Obama himself, WRONG. Donald J. Trump was elected to be the 45th president of the United States of America. This came as a shock to both liberals and conservatives, considering how the media predicted a “landslide victory” for Hillary Clinton, and the average of the polls still showed her ahead by 3%. So what happened? What went wrong? (or right...no pun intended) Watching members of the corrupt media lose their minds is a win for all Americans. They don’t do anyone any favors by lying to the public. The same figureheads that said Clinton had it in the bag and ridiculed Trump saying he would never win, are now trying to explain exactly why they were wrong. If anything, the great thing that came out of this election is that the media has no credibility left. They screwed over Bernie Sanders by favoring Hillary Clinton and they tried to do the same to President Trump, and failed immensely. Celebrities and entertainment figures threatening to move to Canada if Trump was elected only makes the case for Trump stronger. Why don’t any of you want to move to Mexico? Why do you only want to move to countries like Canada and Spain with Western European values? Several theories have been thrown out in efforts to explain Trump’s massive victory. You have the Bradley Effect, a theory which states that polls are skewed because of social desirability bias, and that respondents will give the answer they deem to be more socially acceptable. During this election, being a Trump supporter was social suicide. This is evident in the way the American media, liberal professors, and college campuses demonized Trump supporters. There was a pattern of Trump supporters getting harassed or assaulted followed by media silence on the issue, and if there was media attention, the Trump supporter who was actually the victim was made to look like the aggressor. Then there’s the theory that Donald Trump won because “literally white supremacy,” which is statistically not true. More, yes MORE, blacks and latinos voted for Trump than they did Romney or McCain, who are not seen as white supremacists, and only one percent more whites voted for Trump than Romney in 2012. The reason Hillary Clinton lost was not because America went from electing its first black president to electing Donald Trump because now it’s racist and sexist. It is because minorities stayed home for Hillary. Minorities, like the majority of Americans, saw a terrible candidate who wouldn’t do anything for them. Hillary Clinton missed out on a whopping 7 million votes that Obama received in 2012, many of which were minorities. She also did not lose because we’re all sexist, as a whopping 42% of women voted for Donald Trump and only 47% of women voted for Hillary. Not to mention, Kellyanne Conway became the first woman in history to manage a successful presidential campaign. Why aren’t feminists celebrating that? The left’s response to the shocking victory only confirmed
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to Trump supporters that they made the right choice. Democrats took to the streets to protest democracy, calling to end the electoral college because as of right now Hillary is winning the popular vote. It’s clear that these rioters only care about liberal principles when it fits their agenda. They didn’t care or protest the electoral college when the media told them that if Trump did not win a specific combination of states, that Hillary Clinton would have won. They didn’t bother protesting superdelegates when their candidate of choice Bernie Sanders was screwed before the primaries even began, as the vast majority of superdelegates immediately sided with Hillary Clinton. They immediately took to social media to say that women who voted for Trump hated themselves and had “internalized misogyny” and minorities who didn’t vote for Clinton “hated themselves.” It’s clear that these leftists only care about “marginalized groups” when they agree with them. Triggered college students had safe spaces available to them complete with therapy dogs, cancellation of midterms, and free food, while the rest of America woke up after election night and went to work, which didn’t get cancelled because half the country had a difference in opinion from them. College students took it to the streets to express their anger. But make no mistake, these are not “peaceful protests,” but full blown riots. They have blocked off highways, burned down American flags, attacked Trump supporters, vandalized cars, shat on Trump yard signs, injured police officers, and even kicked a dog and threw things at it! Over 180 rioters were arrested in Los Angeles, and the riots continue. There is absolutely no excuse for this sort of behavior, and the media legitimizes these riots by calling them “peaceful protests.” This is the same media that claimed Trump supporters were violent at his rallies and is now trying to excuse these same actions. The same media that said it was undemocratic for Trump and his supporters to accept the results of the election if he lost, and that this very action was a threat to democracy. People have a right to be upset with the outcome of the election and exercise their First Amendment. What they do not have the right to do is harm other people and animals and vandalize and destroy their own cities. Like it or not, Donald Trump is your next president, the people have spoken, and your pointless riots and useless petitions won’t change that. We pride ourselves as a country on the peaceful transition of power, and when people resort to violence because they didn’t get their way, they are actively fighting against democracy. For the full version of this article, check out binghamtonreview.com
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GOD-EMPEROR TRUMP’S BIG PLAN
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100 Days Later: God-Emperor Trump’s Big Plan By David Keptsi
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ow that a living meme has become our president through what I have previously referred to as Hillary’s France-esque ability to lose, it is the dawn of a new tomorrow for our country. Trump is a gamble, we all know it. Vulgarity aside, he’s said things that seem pretty downright ignorant from a policy perspective. However on the other end, Hillary was the definition of status-quo and embodied everything that the poor and disenfranchised voters of America had come to hate. Whether you supported Trump or not, the election is now over. Personally I was hoping Gary Johnson would sweep all 538 electoral votes in a landmark victory and if that sounds crazy to you just know, Hillary promised she wouldn’t raise the national debt by one penny and Trump still believes in the logistics of a wall, so wishful thinking isn’t necessarily all that out of place. I’ve reviewed Trumps plan for his first 100 days in office and I’ve actually found some common ground. Here are some policies I think everyone can at least consider supporting without throwing a chair at someone with a dissenting opinion. Anti-Corruption: Trump actually has some proposed policies that Bernie bros would swoon at when it comes to getting business and foreign interests out of politics. Trump Wants: -Term Limits for Senators, -A 5-year ban on white house and congressional officials becoming lobbyists, -A lifetime ban on White House lobbyists from foreign governments, -A ban on any foreign lobbying raising money for american elections. -That’s not controversial right? If you disagree with some of those it’s definitely not going to be to the degree of razing a building. While you may dispute whether Trump will stay true
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to his word, at least least you can agree these are some solid promises. Education: Children: we all care about them. Hopefully not to the creepy Jared Fogle degree but most can agree that children are in fact our future. In addition to getting rid of common core(which is pretty widely reviled) Trump actually wants to invest around 20 Billion dollars into a school choice program. School choice will allow the parents of students an option in which public, private or charter school they want to attend as well as provide them the option to do so through a tax rebate. School choice will also force schools to compete more for students, driving them to invest more into effective teaching methods as opposed to giving the upcoming freshman class new ipads (I refuse to believe something like this is a justifiable expenditure, as I’ve seen people playing world of warcraft on their computers in lecture hall and I can’t imagine that high school kids have greater willpower) Trump also wants to combat rising university tuition by
offering tax breaks for schools that do so. I’ll admit that sounds iffy but hey, he’s also trying to strengthen options in vocational and tech schools so maybe we’ll see less liberal arts majors convinced out of wasting their time. Healthcare: Obamacare sucks, let’s face it. Even Hillary had Bill going around touring and speaking out against it. Premiums are rising, doctors are being screwed over. I even read an article about how craft beer prices have been driven up due to a provision in the ACA that requires new labeling on bottles. Thats right hipsters, Obama made your micro brews cost a larger portion of your starbucks salary, now you can’t get that gauge you wanted. Trump wants to repeal Obamacare, allow health insurance competition across state lines and allow foreign pharmaceutical companies with cheaper prices to enter into U.S. markets more easily. In addition he wants to mandate transparency on healthcare costs. Let’s be honest, this doesn’t sound all that bad either. I know these can all very well be hollow promises. But if Donald Trump’s ego is as big as I believe it to be, he’s going to try his hardest to leave behind the most “tremendous” legacy possible. So let’s all try to find some common ground. While the wall sucks, it’s a logistical nightmare to actually create. While Mike Pence seems pretty homophobic, Trump lets Caitlin Jenner mark her territory in any corner of Trump tower she desires. The supreme court judge will be conservative, but Scalia was one of the most conservative judges we’ve had and frankly it’s going to be hard find someone like him. Democracy will prevail no matter how much you nag or cry, so If you really hate things that much you’d better move to Canada before they have to build a wall to keep all the welfare burdening immigrants out.
Vol. XXIX, Issue IV
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THE SILENT MAJORITY ROARS AGAIN
The Silent Majority Roars Again By Max Newman
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n Tuesday, November 8th, 2016, the most stunning electoral upset in political history happened. Against all odds and to the shock of millions, real estate mogul Donald Trump defeated former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in an incredible repudiation of the political class, the liberal mainstream media, Silicon Valley globalists, politically correct college professors, and millions of smug naysayers who constantly predicted Trump’s demise. Trump’s win was a victory for passionate supporters like me and my family, and millions of forgotten Americans across our country. This event is a political earthquake that hypothetically exceeds the Richter Scale, and our country will never be the same. As I watched on Tuesday, November 8, surrounded by friends, I originally feared for the worst. I feared that Trump’s historic candidacy, one which featured ten thousand-strong rallies and endless media criticism to no avail, was going to go down in flames. I read on Twitter that Democratic turnout in urban strongholds was skyrocketing, left wing millennials had finally united behind Clinton, and Trump’s turnout in Florida would not be enough to win the state. As the night wore on, I sat on pins and needles while a tiny ripple grew into a wave and then a tsunami of electoral proportions bigger than the GOP could have ever imagined. Not only did Trump win Florida and dominate in Ohio, Iowa and North Carolina, but Trump won the Rust Belt states of Wisconsin and Michigan. To add icing on the cake, Trump narrowly won in Pennsylvania, my home state and the state that I attended a Trump rally on the day before the election. As Trump steamrolled through the Rust Belt, it soon became clear that not only was Donald Trump going to be our next president, but Donald Trump had revolutionized the Republican Party in a way not seen since Ronald Reagan. I, and many others, could have never imagined a candidate like Donald Trump even winning the Republican nomination, let alone the presidency. I remember asking my dad three years ago in the kitchen of my house if a nationalist candidate in the mold of Marine Le Pen of France or Geert Wilders of the Netherlands would ever win in America. He responded that such a candidate could never win because our country is too diverse and politically correct. Three years later: Donald Trump was pledging to build a wall, stop illegal immigrants, renegotiate NAFTA, have a “Peace through Strength” foreign policy, build a stronger alliance with Israel, and revive patriotism in schools. He had me hooked from the very beginning. As “The Voice of the Voiceless,” Trump has shocked and inspired millions. The white working class Americans who have been forgotten by the left wing coastal elites, overlooked by the mainstream media, laughed at by Silicon Valley globalists, and looked at with disgust by left wing college professors have finally voted for the man who represents real hope and change. Others voted to express their anger with the country’s changing cultural norms and to slow the toxic economic effects caused by globalization. In the bastion of rural America, enraged working class voters finally decided to take back our country and Trump
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rode to victory largely because of this class. The recession nearly knocked out the working class, the factories left, in part due to NAFTA, globalism has led to weakened borders, political correctness has almost destroyed our rights to free speech, and gun control has trampled on the Second Amendment, but the Silent Majority has risen and we are silent no more! So many liberals I know have moaned “How could this happen? Trump’s election shows we are a racist country.” No. Trump’s election does not show that we are a sexist or racist country, but an awakening country. Millions of Americans, from the white working class to scared suburbanites, are enraged at “the swamp” of D.C. corruption, the poisonous globalism that Hillary Clinton represents, and the rampant political correctness stomping on free speech. Trump’s candidacy and nomination marks the undisputable transition of the Republican Party from a limited government, fiscally responsible and evangelical libertarian, to an identitarian, nationalist populist party similar to the National Front in France, the Party for Freedom in the Netherlands, and UKIP in Britain. This transition is one that I, along with several others such as Steve Bannon and Ann Coulter have advocated for years. With the rise of emboldened Republicans and right wing populists, the Silent Majority is alive and roaring across the country. Never before have we been screaming so loudly for our champion, Donald Trump, to destroy the establishment corruption in Washington DC and to Make America Great Again. There is a long road ahead for the new Republican Party and for our country. President Elect Trump (Wow, it feels incredible to type those words!) has Republican majorities in both houses of Congress, will determine the balance in the Supreme Court for decades, has bolstered down-ballot Republicans, and has already gone to Washington to plan our collective future as the next President of the United States. President Elect Trump is the best thing to happen to this country, in my view, since Ronald Reagan’s presidency, and it has been a long time coming. President Elect Trump said it himself in his victory speech after defeating Hillary and smashing the establishment, “We must reclaim our country’s destiny and dream big and bold and daring. We have to do that. We’re going to dream of things for our country, beautiful things and successful things once again. No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best.” And Trump is exactly right. Our country’s destiny will be reclaimed, and we are going to get things done as Republicans that are bigger and bolder than ever before. I am more optimistic than ever for our country to become Great Again. History is watching us now. On Tuesday night, we realized that our second Time for Choosing was on, and we took our country back. The road to restoring America from the brink to greatness will be long and winding, but we took the most important first step Tuesday night. And on Wednesday, November 9th, as the sun rose, conservatives truly had a new morning in America.
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