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News
January 31, 2013
the Vanguard
Police log youngs-mobile or oldsmobile? January 20th was the fourth anniversary of President obama’s inauguration, but it appears that a select few crazies continue to resist the liberal takeover of america. this is especially true of angry parents who want some wheels. this past week, a Bentley police sergeant had to settle a dispute between a student and her mother involving the use of a car. Supposedly, the mother needed to drive to a Meek Mill concert, but our fellow student wasn’t about to give up her primo parking spot right in front of Kresge! You can’t just let that bit burn. We have no idea who got the car, but there is one thing we do know – if this was Saudi arabia, neither one of them would be driving. ‘MurICa! Ball so hard Last Wednesday evening, officers responded to the Dana Center for a medical evaluation on the basketball court. a male student, who had been partaking in a game of pickup basketball, was gashed below the eyebrow. apparently the laceration resulted from a poorly (or well) timed swing of an opponent’s elbow. the baller was transported to nearby Newton Wellesley Hospital. So this is how intramural basketball is gonna be, huh gentlemen? Just throwin’ ‘blows on every
rebound? Shoving after the whistle? Maybe a little evander Holyfieldesque biting action here and there?I love it. If you get lost on the way to the courts, just follow the ambulance. and ladies: if you’re looking for excessively competitive guys sweating like pigs in a slaughterhouse…you know where to find us! hunting yaks In German, “Jägermeister” means “master hunter.” apparently, one freshman bro was hunting toilets on the first night back at school. after five or six shots, Bentley’s own elmer Fudd was stumbling his way to the bathroom. apparently, it was neither duck season nor rabbit season – it was vomit season. Freshmen, just remember that the fundamental hunting principle also applies to your weekends: if you take too many shots, you’re going to lose your lunch. except you’ll also get PC’ed, transported to the hospital, and judicially charged. Vewwy vewwy bad. six, Chicks on move-in day university Police were called to alder Hall just before 10 pm. upon their arrival, officers found a female student vomiting in the restroom. She had difficulty standing and demonstrated slurrrredddsssspeech, so officers brought her into protective custody and admitted her to Newton
Wellesley Hospital. reportedly, the student admitted to consuming six shots of vodka before her date with the porcelain gods. Six shots? Come on, girls, it’s the second semester…you should know the rules by now. Shots 1 to 3, you’re fine. Feeling loose, remarking on how hot you look in your little black dress, mascara still intact…it’s all good. Shot number 4, Joe across the hall with the acne and disgustingly long fingernails starts to look like ryan reynolds. that’s always fun. Shot 5: you peak. Heels are off and you’re doing the wobble in the middle of the dance floor like you’re V.I.C. himself. But shot 6? that’s when your roommate is holding your hair back, you’re crying like you just watched the end of Marley and Me. Stick to 5, girls. Bookin’ it university Police received a call last thursday informing them of a potential larceny in the library. apparently, a painting worth about 100 dollars was stolen. We’re assuming the painting was on display in that little square room in the middle of the first floor. Now before we get our respective panties in respective bunches over this, let’s consider the facts: unless the thief is a straight-up loner, that painting is definitely getting more views in a dorm room somewhere than it ever did in that library room. I mean,
honestly, have you ever seen anyone in there? answer: no. I think I saw a tumbleweed roll through it the other day. north Campus pee-asco Last Friday, officers reported to North Campus a after being alerted that a non-Bentley student was urinating in the stairwells. Bentley Pee D did not find anything; however, if you’re a resident of North Campus a, urine for a bad week. that smell is going to piss you off for at least six days. It doesn’t take a whiz kid to know that the smell would leak sooner or later. If you live in North Campus a and you have class, I would say that you have to go in stairwell number two. You have toilet the smell fade away before using the main stairwell again. Just sayin’. freshman puke Count after a semester-long hiatus, the F.P.C. makes its triumphant return to the pages of the Vanguard! For those who don’t know, this is where we report how many times in the past week that university Police finds vomit in the frosh dorms. this week, our number is a solid 4. Not bad at all, but there is certainly room for improvement!
Sean Harrington and Brian Shea Vanguard Staff
Judicial action Summary Editor-in-ChiEf Jeff Breault Managing Editor gEnEral ManagEr Lindsay Beauregard Brian Fuerst Copy Editor nEws Editor sports Editor CaMpus lifE Editor fEaturEs Editor BusinEss Editor photography Editor onlinE Editor dirECtor of produCtion dirECtor of advErtising JournalisM advisor studEnt lifE advisor
Ben Klein Lacey Nemergut Matt Gustus Francisco Salas Kelsey Miller Jasper Huang Melisa Kocarslan Victoria Lin Meagan Kalpokis Kevin Laryea George Donnelly Nicole Chabot-Wieferich
For GeNeraL & CoNtaCt INForMatIoN aBout The Vanguard, PLeaSe See PaGe 4.
01.21.2013-01.30.2013
total number of cases: total number of individuals involved (violators): number of individuals dismissed from responsibility: number of educational sanctions given: (includes referrals to alcohol Education) Cash total of fines given for the week: number of work sanctions assigned: number of students placed on warning: number of parental notifications: number of individuals put on residential probation: (Loss of 15 Housing Credits) number of individuals put on disciplinary probation: (Loss of 30 Housing Credits) number of individuals put on suspension (housing): number of individuals put on suspension (university): number of individuals expelled from university: Provided by the Office of the dean of Student affairs
Welcome back Bentley! Have fun reconnecting with friends and getting involved. Don't forget to maximize your academic and athletic performance by getting at least 7 hours of sleep each night!”
16 21 3 20 $500 0 13 5 2 0 0 0 0