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WED 04.02.14

VOLUME 97

ISSUE 20

Overtime Administrators add week in May to Spring Semester.

PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER

NEW WELLNESS CENTER

ON MY MIND

“The most time consuming part of the project will be the two days required to fill the pool.”

“I seriously can’t get her out of my head.”

P. 3

P. 4

STATUE RELOCATED “Winning . . . the bench press competition was fun and all, but I’ve always been looking for some other kind of physical challenge.”

P. 7

LETTERS FROM LATER “Don’t taunt the squirrels, especially next fall semester.”

P. 9

RMES GALLERY “At times heartwarming, at times melancholic, the works on display will certainly arouse emotion in the viewer.”

P. 11

I SLAP FLOOR “Like a Pathfinder finishing the Knot-tying Honor, I had reached the end of my rope.”

P. 12

THE STUDENT MOVEMENT

2

News

Kevin Wilson Chilling With Pope Francis

The Danger News Editor

(Editor’s Note: Due to this article’s sensitive nature, The Student Movement has been required to censor some of the more inflammatory sections. However, due to its extraordinary news value and information vital to the student body, we have decided to run the edited version despite these changes.)

Fonda Mwangi | This past spring

break was no ordinary one for AUSA Religious Vice President Kevin Wilson. Travelling over 4000 miles arriving in Rome to visit no one other than the head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Francis. The meeting was eventful and it began with a grand tour of the Vatican City, Pope Francis showed Wilson around and the two really set if off as if they were old pals. De-

spite the different religious views, Wilson claims they were really able to hit it off with their love for pizza.

They had long discussions about their passion for different types of crust from hand tossed to stuffed crust. As the trip continued too much of their surprise they realized that their bond had gotten stronger.

Impressed by the Pope’s 3.8 Million twitter followers it became Wilson’s mission to get a tweet dedicated to their new found friendship, unfortunately the Pope was opposed to it because he does give out shoutouts but only sends out inspirational tweets. Wilson reminisces on his favorite memory of the trip, which was playing Super Mario Kart and eating pizza in the Sistine Chapel.

A few serious discussions did occur on this trip like whether or not the

Andrews logo blazer is as trendy as the Pope’s white rob know as a cassock. Even though no decision was made on which clothing was better or not, Wilson was able to leave some Andrews gear with the Pope, who was pleased to say that he would wear big gafdsafdath he would wear to the next big gathering he attends. Wilson picked up a few personal hobbies of the Pope, which are knitting, kayaking, and yodeling. He was very pleased to say they did all three together while on the trip. The two knitted a huge blanket together while yodeling ‘Mary had a little lamb’ and sitting in St. Peter’s Square. Wilson describes this event as life changing.

They also got to kayak in the Tiber River and the Pope put on quite a fight on their race across the river beating Wilson. Although the adventure packed week had to come to and end Wilson says the Pope said he would deeply cherish the time they spent together and all the fun they had. Wilson said he learned a lot from the Pope and he cant wait to frame their selfie together. The most important advice he got from the Pope was “When in doubt, pause, yodel then repeat.”

The Pope said it always works for him and Wilson said he is eager to see if it is the same for the alpaca.

From His PC to Shady Records Tawanna Persaud | Kyle Abacan

has been making music for years.

Since he was a young boy he has been exploring the styles and sounds of what music truly is.

He even creates instrumentals to which local artists are able to use for their songs. He consumes himself in the art and prestige hip hop, rap, and pop. Producers for Ace Hood, DJ Khaled, Meek Mill, and Rick Ross have also found his work distinctive and called upon help to assist in various productions. If anyone knows Kyle, they know his love for music. And most recently he gained a twitter follower, Tori Kelly, after she listened to his remix of her song “Paper Hearts.”

Who knows, she may want to work with him someday? However, Tori will have to wait her turn. By exclusive inside scoop, Andrews University’s very own Kyle Abacan will be working with Slim Shady, popularly known as Eminem.

Kyle, 20, remarks, “I enjoy what I do. It is a nice feeling to hear the music artists come up with over my

PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER

own creations. That is what keeps me going.” Luckily, he will have the serendipitous opportunity to continue doing so. Although not finished here at AU, Kyle will be joining the Shady Records to work full time alongside the one and only Slim Shady.

When asked how he feels about this new venture and the fact of quitting school at such an early age, Kyle says, “It is what it is.

I gotta do what I gotta do to make my dreams come true.” And he sure is. Kyle scored a five year contract with Shady Records in which he will be revolutionizing the way music sounds. He comments, “The music on the radio these days all

sounds the same and they all talk about the same thing. I want to work with artists who share my vision of changing the state of where music is right now to something great and inspiring.” And Slim Shady will assist him in doing so.

He even referenced that he might come out with his own album.

“The possibilities are endless,” remarks Abacan.

So maybe in the near future you will be driving in your car turning the radio dial, and softly you hear “this one is from K-Dot featuring Eminem…” And the DJ won’t be referring to Kendrick Lamar. He will be referring to Kyle Abacan, an Andrews University used-to-be.

AU in Overtime Abel Yadata | During Spring Break,

Andrews University administrators convened and decided to extend the spring semester by one week due to the effects of the excessive snow days in the beginning of the spring semester. On the new schedule the last exam— which incidentally is for professor Morrow’s class SCUBA for Non-Swimmers—will be at 5 p.m.

Thursday, May 8.

The decision to extend the semester was decided based on various reasons. An audit of many professor’s syllabi, since the last snow day, revealed that a majority of professors are behind. Professors create their syllabus during the summer and tend to have everything planned out for the entire year. In addition, professors also plan for a snow day in their syllabus so there is not any complications. However, the excessive snow days that Andrews has received this school year were unexpected.

Due to the unexpected snow days, professors have been overloading their syllabus to make up for lost days. This has cause many issues with the students. A comparison of tests from before and after the snow days reveal that the overload has caused students’ test scores to decline. Moreover, the teachers are racing through the syllabus leaving the students to pick up the pieces if they do not understand the content.

Andrea Luxton, Andrews University Provost, was an attendee at this meeting and stated, “We [Andrews administration] just want to make sure that every student receives the best possible education.

We value the quality of education here at Andrews, not just the quantity. And I believe that the students who come to Andrews are not coming here for just the quantity but the quality of our education.” She assures that it is in the best interest of the students.

A recent poll of Andrews students reveal that many are not enthusiastic about the extension of the spring semester; many would rather keep it the way it is. Nolan

Roy, sophomore, stated, “It is ridiculous that we have to have another week of school. It wasn’t our fault that it snowed.”

Roy also stated that this would cause traveling complications.

He stated, “I have already bought my tickets to fly back home. It will be pricier now that summer is around the corner.” Many students of Andrews University surveyed who have to fly home are also frustrated.

The extension of the school year also poses significant problems for Professor Sonia Badenas, sponsor of a European study tour scheduled to leave the Monday after graduation. “It’s just so difficult, because we are missing so many days that the students were looking forward to,” says Badenas. “The other problem is that the students are not getting to see all of what they paid for, and these study tours are not always cheap.” Badenas mentioned that the group would have to miss days in Belgium, Monaco, and Southern Spain to accommodate for the elongation of the scholastic year.

San Laouna, sophomore, felt differently about the addition of the extra week. Mr. Laouna stated, I believe that an extra week is just what everyone needs. It gives teachers time to teach the necessary material and it de-stresses us [the students]. And besides, it gives us [the students] more time to spend with our friends and significant others.”

Andrews University senior Carlos Perrone III stated, “I am not as much concerned about this because I will be graduating. If I had to complain about something, it would be the fact that my friends could potentially be in school while I am at graduation.”

In a response to the recent poll of Andrews students, Ms. Luxton stated, “I cannot help but understand the frustration that you must be feeling. The administrators and I will be trying our best to remedy the situation. In the meantime, we will notify all faculty and staff if there are any changes.”

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News

New Developments Make Wellness Center Imminent Scott Moncrieff | The New Health

and Wellness Center, which had been anticipated as being built “some time before [Religion professor] Ante Jeroncic retires,” according to one well-placed source, has received a sudden and dramatic upgrade, due to two factors. First, a major donor, who happens to be the uncle of one of Andrews’ own history professors, has come forward to put up 15 million dollars to support the project. Rodney K. Strayer, known in philanthropic circles as “Strayer the Payer,” has announced his intention of giving this major gift to the university. “After this arctic winter,” says Strayer, “I sensed a definite need for a better wellness facility—and soon!”

Strayer’s desire for an expeditious construction process led the university to a reconsideration of the tentative architectural plans, and with new pro-bono construction consultation and assistance from the Lego corporation, An-

drews is now planning to build a modular facility. Much like a giant Lego, different portions of the building will be snapped together, resulting in a much faster construction process. Due to the enormous size of the pieces, they cannot be transported on normal surface roads. The wing that will hold the racket ball courts, for instance, has only three giant pieces.

Fortunately, Andrews is located adjacent to the St. Joseph River, so the pieces can be floated down on special barges, taken out by the dairy, and hauled by our farm’s largest John Deere tractors to the construction site.

Dick Scott, Director of Facilities Management for the university, gave the Student Movement an updated timeline for the facility.

“Groundbreaking is scheduled for Sunday, April 27, with construction scheduled for completion on Friday, May 2.” There was actually talk of holding graduation in

the main auditorium the following Sunday, until the Fire Marshall warned that according to code he could not give an occupancy permit until the swimming pool is filled (so that in case of a fire, fire trucks can fill up there). “I find it highly ironic,” says Scott, “that the most time consuming part of the project will be the two days required to fill the pool.”

The official grand opening is scheduled for Monday, May 5, the day after graduation. A special ceremony is planned for 9:30 a.m., with ribbon cutting at 9:45 and professor Cornejo’s May Express badminton class beginning promptly at 10 a.m. Rodney Strayer and Lego Corporation Senior Vice President Claus Flyger Pejstrup will share the ribbon-cutting duties. “I think this is a fantastic gift to students,” says incoming AUSA President Olivia Knott. “It will only be my first day in office and I’ll already feel like I’ve accomplished so much.”

Unknown Bones Shown to Jones: “They’re Capone’s!”

PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER

Jenna Neil | Down in the labyrinth

of the steam tunnels found beneath Andrews University a mysterious secret has been kept hidden.

While doing a routine check, members of the maintenance team found what looks to be a ring of flowers over an old grave. They immediately notified the administration. Upon hearing the news, members of the administration knew exactly who to call: Terry Jones, Archaeology grad student.

Over spring break, Jones brought in a team to examine the grave that included digging up the bones and doing several DNA tests. After multiple tests, checking records and calls the team were able to identify the body found as none other than the notorious Al Capone.

Alphonse or ‘Al’ Capone was an American gangster and leader of

the Chicago Outfit or the Capones.

According to the Chicago Historical Society, the gang was devoted to smuggling and bootlegging alcohol during the Prohibition as well as doing other illegal activities. When in Chicago, Capone took over the outfit when the previous leader was shot and killed.

Although famous for ordering killings, at the time of the stock market crash in 1929 Capone opened many soup kitchens. Finally Capone was sentenced to eleven years of jail time for tax evasion and while there, he started to deteriorate from syphilitic dementia or syphilis of the brain. When he was released, Capone returned home and eventually died on January 25, 1947. He was first buried on the South Side between his father and brother but in March of 1950, all three were moved to the West Side.

If Capone is “buried” on the West Side of Chicago, how did his body come to be buried in the steam tunnels of Andrews? Jones, who is specializing in the history of the Great Lakes area, was able to shed some light on the mysterious subject.

During his criminal career, Capone used Berrien Springs as one of his hideouts, because he could easily escape down the St. Joseph

River. After his death, some of his gang believed that being buried in a Catholic cemetery wasn’t fitting for Capone and decided to find a better-suited burial spot. While the bodies of Capone, his father and brother were being moved from the South Side to the West Side, a group of men dressed in black attacked the car driving the bones and took Capone’s. To cover up what happened, Capone’s family and the city of Chicago decided to go ahead and “bury” Capone in the West Side cemetery. Jones believes that the men stealing Capone’s bones knew of Andrews University (then EMC) and that it was an out of the way spot, perfect for hiding a body. Before the men stole the bones, they came up with an elaborate escape plan. By the time they had crossed the border of Indiana and Michigan, the police cars chasing them had run out of gas. This let the thieves get to EMC and into the tunnels without the police knowing where they were. They found the designated spot to bury the bones and did so, erecting a cross to mark the grave along with a wreath of flowers. Rumor has it that once a year on the anniversary of Capone’s death, a new wreath of flowers is placed on the grave.

PHOTOS BY JOELLE ARNER

James White Library Fiasco Aliz Jimenez | For the past sever-

al years, the James White library has observed troubling patterns of behavior in the students that visit. Increasingly, more and more students are found using the library for shelter from the freezing temperature, snowy days, rainy showers, and “convenient for the couches as nap areas.” The workers at the library are frustrated and fed up with the fact that on more than one occasion they have found students lying on the floor taking naps and books have been used to make “study forts.” The computers in the library are also causing problems. There has been a group of students that are consistently using the computers. It was believed the computers were being used for research, school work, and the main reason—because they had no access to a computer.

However, the workers have found out that students have been using the computers to attempt to contact beings such as E.T., Cthulu, and Emperor Zorg, beings that, by their very existence, do not ad-

here to the Andrews student code of conduct. Students have also been using the computers to run illegal fight rings, extorting people with nothing to lose, including students Clark Kent, Bruce Banner, and Barry Allen. Senior engineering major Bruce Wayne has also reported being abused by these websites, but instead of for his fighting abilities, for his intellect. “If I didn’t write their papers for them, they would’ve done bad things,” Wayne says. “One of them even told me [via the website] that he would throw me down a well. The use of the James White Library computers has got to be more heavily monitored.”

Students have been found to spend hours on the computer on these websites, neglecting their school work. In a meeting this past week, the James White Library faculty discussed ways to help save money and have the library run more efficiently. As of next week the library has decided to heavily monitor the books that will be available in the library. Many magazines and books that are not related strictly

to the seminary or to specific majors will be removed. The computers in the library must be used only through sign-in options. Students can only have access to the computers for an hour a session and websites such as Wikipedia, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and other social media will be blocked. Furthermore, the library received a letter from an anonymous donor. This donor was aware of the decline in academic use of the library and felt convicted to help. In the letter, the donor strictly added that the given donation to the library was to be used for a specific use. His request was to divide the donation by ten and place the amount of money in ten books at the library. He asked that only one announcement be made to the students and that whichever student who found the money could keep it. It is not known how much money is hidden away in these books, but the only clue that the library is willing to give is that the money can be found in books relating to our school logo: “Corpus, mens, spiritus”.

THE STUDENT MOVEMENT

4

Ideas

Musings on Meaning Paris Rollins | Have you heard of

Dwight L. Moody Ideas Editor

the “Cat Lady” of the Internet? Her eHarmony debut video went viral because of her seemingly obsessive love for cats. Debbie—that’s her name—loves cats. She loves every kind of cat. But it doesn’t stop there. As she dissolved into tears, she lamented, “I want them in a basket, and I want little bow ties…and I want them to be on a rainbow and in my bed…I just want to hug all of them. But I can’t. I can’t hug every cat.”

Debbie is right. With an estimated two billion cats in the world and more being born daily, it would be impossible to hug every cat. And that got me thinking: if Debbie was right about not being able to hug every cat, then maybe she’s also right about other things. I did not love cats the way Debbie did, but I suddenly realized that I should. In that moment, I saw the truth and

beyond. No one loves like a cat that loves like a cat, and I wanted love like that.

I could not hug every cat. I knew this to be true. I was nearing the depths of despair in which Debbie had found herself when I discovered another way to experience the love of a cat. My friends,

ages and walks of life—children to grown men to grandmas—with all kinds of garments and accessories—speedos and stripes and sweaters and leotards and feathers and whiskers and tutus and tie-dye and tails—leaping and twirling and experiencing oneness with the universe through their feline friends.

These people gave up their inhibitions and received joy and love in return.

What is to stop us from doing the same? Recall the question posed by renowned author Charles Dickens: “What greater gift than the love of a cat?” So I encourage you: hug a cat. Love a cat. Sing about a cat (Soft Kitty is one of my personal favorites). And most importantly, as we go into the last few weeks of the semester, remember that when the going gets tough, the tough dance with cats.

Cera Gardner | Gym Shoes. Stinky,

Zack Babb | Will you allow me to

nate like a bear. And maybe those reasons are good enough. Maybe.

But what if there is some greater reality to be beheld by leafing through these few pages? What if

“No one loves like a cat that

loves like a cat, and I wanted love like that.”

Squirre L. Rodentius | To be is not

just a simple statement of intent or a cry for purpose. Look at the birds with their flaunting colors.

I have been shown the way—a better way—for us all. We must learn to dance with cats.

In the bookstore today I found a picture book of people dancing with cats. (For those who would like to go to the source, the book was called Dancing With Cats).

In that moment, I forgot everything I thought I knew about true happiness. Imagine people of all

The sense of identity that springs from truly being must be lived out in spurious bursts, and it must be established among other scurrying friends. However, the central focus belongs in a few simple ideas: the search, the gathering, and the hiding.

A few mentions must be made. The search must, ultimately, find common features, make patterns, and build off of the fundamentally derived structures before one can consistently return to the strong points in being, just as one naturally searches for the same shape of acorn in foraging. While the gathering may involve strenuous work and long hours, the final result of the carefully hidden, personal being will provide essential ammo for the trials to come.

With talk of ammo, I’ve had quite enough of this scattered speculation. A call for action brings me back to the highest stance in life, the perch in the trees next to the pointy building, where the humans with the menacingly thick black books are no match for my nut-throwing skills. It is here that I return.

“The sense of identity that springs from truly being…

smelly, gym shoes. Torn, worn, and perfectly broken in to that one pair of feet through hours of practice, sweat, and fatigue. Various blisters and sprained ankles later, these gym shoes have lasted years without falling apart. But their time is, sadly, just about done.

What does this have to do with anything except the nearest dumpster?

I have come to realize that gym shoes are the key to meeting new people. You take your shoes anywhere with you and people will flock to you, wanting to talk, wanting to hear the stories your shoes have to share. Carrying your gym shoes with you shows people that you are someone interesting, that there is more to you than just a face in a crowd or a name on a roster. You become three-dimensional, a dynamic character. You have stories to share, and those untold stories draw people to you.

The smell and rag-tag condition of gym shoes may make people think the opposite, that they will actually repel people instead

of invite them closer. This keeps them from carrying their gym shoes with them on a daily basis.

They hide their shoes, and only pull them out when they are using them, packing them away the rest of the time to avoid the embarrassment.

However, people are too concerned about appearances.

Everyone else is too busy hiding the smell of their own gym shoes to even notice another person’s. But if they were to notice, a little thing like the smell of gym shoes will only keep away those people who are too superficial to deserve to be friends with someone like this reader in the first place. Only those who are genuinely interested in the stories they see in those gym shoes will approach a person and get to know them. These are the people with depth and the only ones that actually matter. If someone is repulsed by your gym shoes, they do not deserve to be your friend in the first place, for gym shoes are the best, and only, way to really appreciate the value of other people in your life.

“Carrying your gym

shoes with you shows

people that you are

someone

interesting…”

must be established among other scurrying friends.”

They chase and bicker with each other and wreak havoc on the peaceful air. Their shrieking voices only provide an arrogant song that is bloated with pride and selfaggrandizement. Do not be fooled by the sweet, yes, beautiful outward appearance and initially charming qualities they present.

A bird’s pride and flattery can be described by nothing better than a metaphor of the enemy to be feared most.

No, the true being is hidden in the inner parts of one’s soul and meticulously examined daily. It comes to oneself, as the gathering of acorns, slowly and carefully, and it will be locked inside, never to be found entirely by anyone.

talk seriously with you for a moment? I don’t know why you’ve picked up the paper today. I don’t know what made you stop and say, “Hey, why don’t I look at the Student Movement?” I don’t know if maybe you liked the cover, or maybe someone left one open in the gazebo and something caught your eye.

Maybe you’ve picked up this paper hoping for something inspirational to pull you through the day. Maybe you were hoping for a quick-fix patch to bolster your wits for the remaining weeks of school until you can go home and hiber-

cease to drag through life, you quit failing your classes, you become the star player, and you rise to the very pinnacle of your existence here at Andrews? What if, upon reading this pamphlet, the world opens up to you, and you understand?

You now know exactly how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie pop. You now know exactly why Sam’s Chicken is so good, and yes, friend, you even know why Lamson Hall is so difficult to find your way around in.

And all this because you decided to pick up the paper today. Go my friend, go and soar.

“What if the very meaning of your existence comes from

something you read within this thin publication?” the very meaning of your existence comes from something you read within this thin publication? What if, upon its discovery, you become so empowered as to the impact of this compact journal that you

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Ideas

What would you do if someone gave you a million dollars but you had to spend it all in one day and then move to Alaska and work as a plumber?

Jeanmark Kessler

Year: Senior Major: Theology / Speech Pathology

Martha Duah

Year: Sophomore Major: Pre-med / Behavioral Neuroscience “I would tell them to keep their million dollars, because I don’t want to go to Alaska and I don’t want to be a plumber…Do you need more?”

Jordan Smart

Alice Chelbegean

Year: Sophomore Major: Psychology

Year: Junior Major: Nursing

“I would use the money to start a revolution where Alaska would break away from the United States and I would become king and then literally take over the entire planet through Alaska, with polar bears and light sabers.”

“I would give my million dollars to this site called Water.org, which is really cool, because for $25 you can give somebody clean water for LIFE. So, I could totally become a plumber to give 40,000 people water for life.”

Dave Jones

Year: Sophomore Major: Family Studies

Vimbai Mazani

Year: Senior Major: Management

“[I would] redirect the Alaskan Pipeline with the million dollars to my backyard and get out of the plumbing business.”

“I would kindly decline, because I don’t feel my calling is plumbing now or ever. Ever.”

turned everything upside down and inside out, and I wasn’t about to let her go.

Fortunately for me, she didn’t go anywhere, and every day since then has been better than the last, and all because of who she was then and who she is today. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you guys a little bit more about her. She absolutely loves the outdoors and anything associated with it. She doesn’t mind being in the city, but concrete and skyscrapers were never her thing. Forest and hiking trails are actually some of her favorite places to be in, and warm,

sunny days make it impossible for her to sit inside all day. She makes it hard for me too. I can’t remember how many times I’ve looked up from my homework and over at her, only to end up leaving my books at the table in exchange for a beautiful afternoon together in the forests behind Burman and Damazo, afternoons that only made me love her more.

Looking back, it makes sense why we click so well, and why she’s all I can think about now that Spring is back and warm days are calling us outside again. She’s my escape whenever school and the

“[I’d] probably rent a Lamborghini Gallardo and drive to my local Schlotzsky’s which is a sub…restaurant and buy the restaurant… and with whatever money is remaining, I would go to a…it may seem morbid, but I would go to a funeral home just to buy a coffin so I could lay in it, take a nap, see how it feels, because obviously I won’t be alive to get the benefit, and then I’d move to Alaska. First class.”

Wheels Spinning in my Head Jaime Vargas | I seriously can’t get

her out of my head.

She’s been on my mind since the first day I saw her, a day I still consider to be one of the best in my entire life. I remember the evening we first crossed paths. My friends had mentioned her before, and they were all convinced that she was the right one for me. I’d been skeptical at first, since I’d already spent a good part of the school year looking around, and I had yet to meet one that really made an impression on me. They promised me that we’d get along just fine, that she was everything I was looking

for, and that I wouldn’t be disappointed. I still wasn’t sure, but they kept telling me that if I let her go without even giving it a chance, I’d never get another opportunity like that again. They assured me that she was one of a kind, and that I should go for her.

So I did, and to this day I have no regrets.

I will admit, however, that it was a bit awkward at first. She had some quirks that I wasn’t used to seeing, and our interactions were a little weird and hard to adjust to. Regardless, that first evening wrecked my life in the best

way possible. Despite all the little things that were vastly different between her and others I had met, I couldn’t help but feel so deeply attracted to her. It sounds ridiculous, but there wasn’t a single thing she did that I didn’t notice and appreciate. From the way she responded to me to the way she looked, every little detail blew my mind away.

That my friends were right about her was a serious understatement.

I felt so pathetic standing next to her, but I was determined to make it work. After what I saw that evening, I knew I’d met the one that could, and honestly already had,

burdens of life overwhelm me.

She’s there for me despite all my clumsiness and my stumbling.

I’ve let her down so many times, but she’s never one to give up on me. Even when I try to lavish her with material things, she reminds me that all she ever needs is me by her side, rain or shine. For all that she’s done for me and for all that she means to me, these words written to her are only a tiny fraction of what I truly think about her.

Mountain bike, this one’s for you.

THE STUDENT MOVEMENT

6

Sports

Cardinal Volleyball Justin Walker | Andrews Uni-

versity has announced that they will be introducing a new collegiate athletic program for men and women’s volleyball. These new sports’ inaugural season will start in the fall of 2014. Students are encouraged to come to tryouts on April the 13th at 3 p.m. as well as the 5th of September at Johnson gym. The Cardinals will compete in USCAA division II with their first games coming in the middle of September.

Michael Jordan Sports Editor

Andrews University is also allowing students the opportunity to design the first-ever AU Cardinals home and away volleyball uniforms. The best three designs will be showcased at the end of an upcoming chapel for all students to see and later be voted on. The winner will receive their very own jersey customized with their name on it, as well as being able to unveil them to the new team. Designs are to be emailed to the Student Movement Sports Editor Tim McGuire.

PHOTO BY SCOTT MONCRIEFF

Shuffleboard Named New Olympic Sport; Retired Biology Professors to Field Team Scott Moncrieff | Emeritus AU Bi-

ology Professor Bill Chobotar can tell you the exact hour and minute.

“I had just finished showering and was getting dressed this past October, and I was listening to NPR,” he says, “when they announced that shuffleboard had been approved as an Olympic sport for the 2016 games in Rio. My wife heard me call ‘yippee’ from the kitchen and came hurrying in to see what was the matter. The clock said 8:01.”

Chobotar is referring, of course, to the somewhat controversial decision to approve a game more often associated with cruise ship recreation than high-level competition on the Olympic level. In fact, it was on a Caribbean cruise in the summer of 2010 that Chobotar first realized he had an ability—perhaps even a gift—for this sport. “One afternoon I was just wandering around the deck enjoying the salt smell in the air and watching the gulls,” he recounts, “when I saw these people playing shuffleboard. I had played a lot of competitive sports in my younger days and those competitive juices just started flowing. When my turn came I grabbed the ‘tang’ [stick] and shuffled my ‘biscuits’ [discs] in for an ‘8’ and a ’10.’ First time.”

Chobotar won the cruise championship and acquired a passionate desire to improve his abilities. For the last two years, he has driven down to Fort Wayne, Indiana, every Tuesday afternoon for lessons with former shuffleboard great Maurice “The Score Ace” Jones, and to play in the Tuesday night league in Fort Wayne. “Unfortunately,” says Chobotar, “there’s no professional quality shuffleboard venue this side of Fort Wayne.”

Surprisingly, Chobotar didn’t have that much trouble talking his fellow recently-retired biology colleagues into training for Rio. Emeritus professor Jack Stout has set up a half-sized court in his basement, and wife Helena has gone to sleep many nights of late hearing the clackety-clack of biscuits colliding two floors down. Stout has even worked up a repertoire of trick shots, including one where he places a live cricket in the middle of a triangle of three biscuits, which he knocks away with a shot from the other side of the basement, leaving the chirping cricket unharmed in the middle. “Once in awhile we’ll lose one,” says Stout, “but overall their chances are much better here than in the lab.”

Meanwhile, along with Emeri-

tus professors Steen and Woodland, the team is training hard, having lately joined Crossfit Berrien in January, and all are engaged in various developmental exercises, including arm wrestling and taekwondo as part of the physical preparation for international competition. “You have no idea,” says Woodland, “how physically demanding elite-level shuffleboard is. By comparison, climbing Kilimanjaro was a piece of cake.”

Speaking of sweets, Chobotar has promised to give up chocolate chip cookies during training. Professor Steen is also giving his all to the team, promising to forgo motorcycle riding until after May’s shuffleboard qualifier in Akron, Ohio.

“I’ve got to put the team first,” he affirms. “Can’t risk an injury with the Olympics on the line.”

Andrews supporters who would like to see the team in action can attend a special Saturday night exhibition and fundraiser on Saturday night, April 19, 8:30 p.m. in Johnson Gymnasium. Professors Stout and Steen will be taking on Chobotar and Woodland in a “friendly” match, and there are rumors that Stout may show off his cricket shot at some point in the festivities.

PHOTO BY BRANDON INJETY

Richard Sherman to Attend Seminary Tim McLean | It has recently been

leaked that Richard Sherman, one of the starting cornerbacks of the Seattle Seahawks, has decided to leave the NFL next season to try out a semester in the Andrews University seminary.

According to Sherman: “Winning the Superbowl has really helped me see things in a brand new perspective. There is nothing more in football that I can do to top winning the Superbowl, so I thought I would try out a different path in life. Being a pastor is, without question, my other dream in life, so I thought I would pursue it. In addition to that, I figured a deep study in the Bible would help me out in my relations with other

people, which is something I definitely need help with, as shown in my controversial interview after the NFC championship game.

In addition to that, I don’t have to worry about financial aid as I have made plenty of money in the NFL, so Andrews would benefit from that financially as well.”

In addition, Sherman would also make things interesting for intramural flag football, as he is already a very skilled player. His insight in football will also provide to be very beneficial for people watching on Sunday afternoons in Meier lobby. Overall, Sherman’s presence should provide some interesting developments on campus.

WED 04.02.14

VOLUME 97

ISSUE 20

7

Sports

Rodman Relocates Statue

PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER

Annual Seminarian Tailgating Robert Machado | It’s that time

again: the annual Seminary Tailgating party! That’s right, every year the seminarians close off their parking lot to host a huge tailgating event and watch the NCAA tournament all day. Usually the event is closed off to the general public, but this Sunday it will be open for all to enjoy. It features a barbecue with everything from Hardings that is acceptable to Leviticus 11—mainly steak and

chicken, since fish is hard to come by due to the frozen lake this time of the year. There will also be cold salads and grilled veggies for the vegetarians, but since veggie meat is not a meat found in Leviticus 11, it will not be served so as not to defile the grills. They do not apologize for this inconvenience. The event is also a B.Y.O.J., so bring your own juice. Come out this sunday at 2 o’clock for March Madness fun and some great steak!

PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER

Speedy McLean Robert Rivers | Timothy McLean

PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER

Tim McLean | Pioneer Memori-

al Church recently experienced a makeover—or at least the area outside of it did. The statue of John Nevins Andrews (J.N. Andrews) has been completely removed its spot in front of PMC and placed in front of the seminary. How did this happen you may ask? Well, the circumstances were far from ordinary.

The mighty accomplisher of this

feat was none other than Jonathan Rodman, a sophomore and prephysical therapy major. Anyone who knows Jonathan even slightly, is well aware that he is in peak physical condition and immensely loves working out, as shown by winning his class in the Meier Hall weightlifting competition. Interestingly enough, this actually plays a part in the statue incident.

When asked why he did it, Rodman explained that, “Winning my class in the bench press competition was fun and all, but I’ve always been looking for some other kind of physical challenge. So I decided that I should try and lift the statue, as I always wondered how heavy it actually was. It was easily the heaviest thing I have ever carried in my life, but it was totally

worth it. Lifting it wasn’t actually the difficult thing; planting it back in the ground in front of the seminary was the real challenge.”

Now that the statue has been moved, campus master-planners are in deep discussions as to whether to request Rodman to move it back, or to have him move the science complex statue to the hole in the ground by PMC.

is the first recorded person at Andrews University to walk faster than he can run. Talking to McLean this semester has revealed some very interesting facts about him. Tim recalls his highschool days when he did track: “Everyone knew that I was a speed walker, and they would joke that I could probably beat my 100 meter personal record if I walked.”

He decided to give it a try. “I had a record of 13.67 seconds when I ran. I had my coach and my friends time me when I walked. I couldn’t

believe what the stopwatch said. I had walked the 100 meter dash in 12.93 seconds.”

When asked how he felt at that time, Tim explained: “I was a little embarrassed at first to be honest. I was on the track team to run after all, and it turns out, I walked faster than I ran. But then I realized I had just achieved something pretty cool. Not only was I the fastest walker in my school and area, I was probably the first person in at least my state to walk faster than he ran--at a pretty decent speed I might add.”

THE STUDENT MOVEMENT

8

Humans Notice: By popular demand, the

own Pastor Dwight Nelson. As a special

“Humans” section will be replaced

promotion, ten of these posters will be

in upcoming issues of the Student

signed by Pastor Nelson himself! Later

Movement with a new section,

issues may feature such figures as

“Adventist Spotlight.” This section will

Pastor Doug Batchelor and historical

feature a weekly Adventist person of

figures such as William Miller and

some prominence and will include a

Samuel Snow. Soon, your dorm room

brief profile alongside a large, poster-

can be wallpapered in Adventists! (This

sized photograph of the featured

is not propaganda.)

Adventist, perfect for posting on any Bear With Batwings Humans Editor

Recommended listening: Dragon Tales Theme & The Meow Mix Jingle

dorm room wall. For the inaugural run,

A message brought to you

next week we will be featuring our very

by your caring editors.

Gum Guy II Everyone has a hobby. Collecting stamps, ice skating, shopping, and even sleeping. While the possibilities of hobbies are endless, some are definitely odder than others.

Student Rufus K. Kirkling shares the joys of his hobbies and one in particular that he wished to share with his beloved student body here at Andrews University.

Interviewed by Jordan Price So, tell me about yourself and your hobby?

Research Matters

Scott Moncrieff Faculty Advisor

Well, my name is Rufus K. Kirkling.

I am an 8th year senior here at Andrews and I have a few hobbies actually. I love collecting rocks, doing homework, but most special to my heart: I love putting gum underneath desks!

Rufus, you do know that that’s something that’s frowned upon, right? You don’t think it’s germy or unsanitary?

Well, of course it’s germy, but hey, all I really eat, on a regular basis, are loaded chili dogs, anything garlicky, and, of course, my beloved gum. I mean on top of that and brushing my teeth once a week, I feel like my gum is actually pretty sanitary. Let me put it this way: your fingers aren’t in any danger when they come in contact with my gum. I assure you.

So, from the top of your head, what percentage of gum found underneath desks are yours, Rufus?

PHOTO BY NINA MARIE RAMBO

Professor Monique Pittman, Director of Honors AUTHORIZING NASCAR In 2010 Peter Lang publishers came out with your book Authorizing Shakespeare. We understand that you’ve been working on a new project.

Indeed I have. I’m over halfway finished with a new study, Authorizing NASCAR. I hope to finish my up the writing in November of 2014, and Peter Lang is planning a gala launch for the book to coincide with the Daytona 500 in February, 2015.

Wow. From Shakespeare to NASCAR. Doesn’t the change in subjects make you dizzy?

Not at all. There’s more in common than you might at first think: the greed, the hubris, the tragic flaws, even the comedy. In fact, I have a whole chapter with a critical analysis of Talladega Nights. Ricky Bobby is a sort of modern Hotspur,

and I see Richard Petty as a southern Owen Glendower. And I’m sure you’ve noticed the similarity in the words “Shakespeare” and “NASCAR” themselves.

Ok, sure. So how will your book be organized?

We kick off with a chapter on Days of Thunder, the movie where Tom Cruise plays an up and coming stock car racer. The ten middle chapters cover different aspects of Danica Patrick’s career, and then the last chapter, which I already mentioned, takes apart Talladega Nights.

Ten chapters devoted to Danica Patrick?

Yes, and I feel we’re just barely scratching the surface. It’s amazing how she went from being a high school cheerleader, an objectified woman in a stereotypical male gaze, to busting through one of the most patriarchal and gender regressive institutions we have,

NASCAR racing.

Has doing this study had any effect on your own driving habits?

Funny you should mention that.

Before I started writing the first chapter I timed myself doing one lap around the perimeter road at Andrews. It took me five minutes and twenty seconds, including trundling along behind a tractor going to the farm. To give myself an inside perspective on what the drivers are going through, I’ve done some late night practicing, with a personal best of 1:19 for a lap. I nearly took out a snow bank over by Damazo, but managed a quick correction.

Have you had a chance to meet Danica?

Absolutely. I’ve interviewed her several times in relation to different aspects of the book, and as a matter of fact, at the book launch next year, I’ll be riding shotgun with her at Daytona. Watch it on FOX.

I’m chewing. I like candy-flavored gum, hot gum, bubble gum, minty gum, you name it, and I’ll chew it.

Now, the fun part is deciding how I go about it. When I chew bubble gum, I love sticking the gum under there when it’s still saliva-packed.

Makes me happy. When I have candy-flavored, I like making the gum into shapes while trying to pay attention to my professor.

Easy question. I can definitely claim about 96.6% of all the gum on this campus. I’m very diligent in the things that I love. I find it riveting to place my gum beneath the classroom desks. Why? I don’t know. My heart flutters though, I’ll tell you that much. Doesn’t it do that for you?

Um, no Rufus. So, explain your technique to me.

It’s really just the way I’m feeling during that class period, honestly.

There’s also the variable of the gum

Has anyone ever caught you in the act or do you even mind that?

Honestly, Jordan, I love the thrill. I can’t help it! Sure, I’ve been caught every now and then but overall I make it a mission of mine to lay low. I think of it as leaving little “treats” for people’s fingers for the next class periods to come. I can share some of the techniques I use to not get caught if you’d like?

Yes, please do…

Okay, well the first one is the, “Fiddling/Idle Hands” Trick. That’s when I casually start cracking my knuckles, picking at my fingernails, etc. I, then, nonchalantly bring my hands lower towards the bottom of the desk or table and start making contact with the table as I’m still twiddling my fingers.

Granted, my gum is in my palm my now due to yawning, of course.

Then, I just go for the plunge, I ever so gently stick it under. Oh, there’s also the, “Oops, I Dropped My Pen” Trick. That one is pretty self-explanatory. If I’m trying to make it into a shape, I drop my whole pencil case, for the rush.

Tell me Rufus, what’s your inspiration behind this… hobby?

You know the Gum Guy on campus? He is phenomenal. Now, he’s not as extreme as me, seeing that I like placing the gum under desks, but even so, he’s a huge inspiration. Just the fact that he supplies me free gum to place underneath the desks is just great. I owe a lot of my success to him, truly. Hopefully, I can be an inspiration to someone else. As my motto goes: “Forget Love, Spread Gum!”

WED 04.02.14

VOLUME 97

ISSUE 20

Do I become noteworthy at Andrews University?

What are some interesting changes on campus?

Do you have any advice for Andrews students?

What do I do after I get out of college?

Where am I living by 2024?

Am I happily married at that time?

Who are you, and are we friends in 2014?

but I filed it away, and I’ve kept it all these years. I have to confess that I actually plagiarized this letter and the last directly from your article. I figure it’s permissible because technically I’m plagiarizing myself. You plagiarized my words before I even wrote them. Anyway, I’ve enclosed the Student Movement issue in the package. I imagine you haven’t submitted your article for the Humans section yet.

Better get on that.

Dear Chris, I liked your questions, they’re the same questions I would’ve asked if I were in your place. I would love to answer them candidly, but knowing too much about one’s own future is dangerous. I will, however, give you some vague ideas.

You become noteworthy to the

people that matter. If you want more attention, you’ll have to work at it. I know how the future unfolds, but the important thing is that you live your life thinking you have agency.

Andrews changes in very interesting ways in your next few years.

Your AUSA officers are going to ban unicycles after an incident. They also try to start a ballroom dancing program, but Dr. Markovic retires before it gets off the ground.

Also keep an eye out for the implementation of robots at the Gazebo.

My advice for my old classmates is to get all your chapel and choices credits. Don’t taunt the squirrels, especially next fall semester.

I hate to break it to you, but you work as Starbucks at first. But there’s hope for your future. Good luck on your book!

You’re not in Michigan, that’s for certain. As for your marriage, I’m going to remain oddly silent...

I was wondering if you would ask me my identity. Ten years ago I read an article you wrote for the Student Movement. I was confused,

philosophers as they started this second proof, and proved their objective after only three weeks of work and five pages of writing.

After I expressed skepticism about this proof method, the professor assured me that the idea of beauty creating truth is entirely mathematically sound. In fact, the professor is so confident in the new method that she believes the Nobel Committee may have to award two Nobels in math this year: one for proving that pi is exactly 3.00, and one for developing a mathematically beautiful proof.

When asked about the ramifications of this discovery, the profes-

sor rhapsodized about restoring balance to mathematics. However, she also admitted that pi’s new form could have some tricky consequences: “most of the machinery in existence was made using the old pi,” she said. “We’ll need to replace all those tires and gears so they conform to the new value.”

Although this seems like an expensive and laborious undertaking, the professor is confident that the engineers will figure something out.

Anyway, keep an eye on math and science news next winter, and you may see your math professor receive the most distinguished award in her field.

9

Humans

Technically Not a Felony?

Chris Wheeler | Recently I decided to make a time capsule, a box filled with objects that represent contemporary society for archaeologists to dig up in the future. Along with the various artifacts that I chose, I wrote a note signed by myself, explaining the box’s contents.

The day after I buried the time capsule, I received a letter in the mail.

Dear Chris, You don’t know me quite the way I know you. I’m from 2024. I went to Andrews ten years ago.

Today I excavated your box and found your letter very amusing.

So much has changed in just ten years. I’ll give you a few “spoilers.”

The final Hobbit movie was... interesting. Lots of people think the new Star Wars films were horrible, but I think they had a lot of merit. The Simpsons is still running. And no, we didn’t get hoverboards in 2015.

I know you like music. I’m pret-

ty sure you’ll love Abstractions to do so, but most Americans are of Doilies, Amorous Birds of Prey, okay with the trade-off.

Secretaries of Ligation, and Zob. Did you know they require parWhen they release their albums, ent licenses now? I had to take a buy them. grueling exam in order to have Google Glass is really use- permission to procreate. It seems ful. Were they working on that in wrong, but perhaps people will 2014? You should look it up. Apple be taking better care of their chilis still doing great. We’ve stopped dren now. keeping track of what generation I wouldn’t mind answering any iPad they’re on. PC went down additional questions you might the gutter, mostly because they have. Please exhume your time didn’t capitalize on solar energy capsule and put your reply inside soon enough. The only people who with everything else, but write still use Windows computers have “TWO” on the envelope (I know you been nicknamed Luddites. will, I have the letter right here).

On a side note, don’t invest in microwaves for a while.

Yours, Obama’s presidency ended A friend from the future. pretty normally, but you’ll be surprised who got elected next! And I was dubious at first, but I couldn’t what that person did in 2018! Make figure out how anyone could have sure to watch every State of the found out about my time capsule Union address. on such short notice. My curiosity Last year, our country annexed finally led me to follow the instructhe Canadian half of Niagara Falls. tions I had received. I asked the We had to give up Alaska in order following questions:

ematical community’s motivation for starting such research. “Simple, elegant equations always work best in math and physics,” she explained. “But in the past, pi equaled approximately 3.14, which isn’t elegant at all.” The old pi was an irrational number, an infinite string of patternless digits, which made calculations messy and inconvenient. “Now,” the professor continued, “with its new value of 3.00, pi is more beautiful, and therefore more true, as well as easier to use in calculations”.

Although the professor isn’t willing to share the details of the

Pieces of Pi Isabel Stafford | For the last six

years, several talented mathematicians have been trying to disprove pi. As of last week, they believe they have finally succeeded, proving that pi actually equals exactly 3.00.

The research group includes one of Andrews University’s own mathematicians. Although he or she wishes to remain anonymous until the group’s paper is published in Nature magazine, the professor was willing to explain the math-

finished proof until the aforementioned paper is published, she did mention struggling with a severalhundred-page proof. The research group initially tried to prove pi’s new value directly, using a string of logical statements, but that deadended. Instead, the group created an entirely new form of proof, built on the revolutionary idea that a beautiful number is necessarily more mathematically true than an ugly number. Using this method, the research group only needed to prove that 3.00 is more beautiful than 3.14 in order to show that pi actually equals 3.00. The research team consulted several artists and

The day after I reburied the box, I received another letter from my correspondent, this time accompanied by a package.

Yours, Chris Wheeler Sure enough, the next issue of the Student Movement was in the package, dated for next week! This was too elaborate to be a prank.

I have to confess that I plagiarized this entire article from that paper.

I figure it’s permissible because technically I’m plagiarizing myself.

PHOTO BY BRANDON INJETY

Dragon Hunter Name: Janet Thompson

Age: 20 Year: Junior Major: Biology Interviewed by Ryan Logan

chase down all the dragons in the area. You’d be surprised, but we actually have a lot of them in Berrien County.

Do you catch the dragons?

Where do you work?

At the moment, I actually have two jobs. I work in the Department of Criminology as the administrative assistant. It’s a sweet gig because I get to talk to people. I also moonlight as a dragon hunter.

Of course not! I slay them with my sword. I don’t know how familiar you are with dragons, but they can only be defeated by a puncture wound caused by a golden blade.

Mine is just a beginner’s sword, but I’m hoping to upgrade in the near future.

What is a normal day like for you?

Well, I usually start the day with a hearty bowl of Chex mix—the party food, not the cereal. I find that the cereal is gross because it doesn’t have the pretzels and stuff. Don’t worry, I still put milk in it though.

Um, that’s great. What was that about hunting dragons?

Oh, it’s nothing really. Every night, I sneak out of the dorm to

How did you get started in this line of work?

When I was six years old, a dragon bit my grandpa on the face, and he died. Ever since, I have dedicated myself to the eradication of dragons in North America. You see, most people think it’s a medieval thing—it’s not. There were over nine sightings in Michigan alone last year.

Do you work alone, or are there others who protect the Andrews community?

Well, I used to work for campus safety, so they know me very well.

We actually have a direct phone line that goes from their office to my room. Whenever there is a dragon-related emergency, they give me a call. Other than that, I’m usually solo.

What makes you more qualified than Campus Safety to slay dragons?

Campus Safety has some really nice nice folks, but they have zero experience fighting dragons—and their medieval sword knowledge is severely lacking. The last time I went on a hunt with them, they couldn’t even distinguish between a sweord and a sverð. I was embarrassed for them—I mean, seriously?

keeping dragons as pets. Owners started to selectively breed their dragons with others to create entirely new kinds of dragons.

The result is that we have dozens of dragon varieties, each with unique powers and abilities. Some don’t even look like the traditional dragon form. For example, Gyaradosias has a long, snake-like body, and it lives in water. I can’t swim, so slaying this one has been particularly challenging.

Is Dragon Hunting a sport that you would encourage more people to play?

Absolutely not—dragon hunting is not for fun. I do it only to protect my fellow students and loved ones.

There is nothing exciting about brawling with a creature three times the size of King Kong.

Are there different kinds of dragons?

Definitely. The problem is that, back in the late 90s, people tried PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER

THE STUDENT MOVEMENT

10

Arts & Entertainment

Pentatonix Collaborates with Equilibrium The Whisk Review: Liv’s Lemonade Stand

PHOTO BY BRIAN TAGALOG

Pentatonix, the world-renowned a cappella group who won the third season of NBC’s The Sing-Off, has announced plans to collaborate with Andrews University’s own a cappella group, Equilibrium, made up Zipporah Gaines |

of students Jonathan Momplaisir, Lori James, Alanna James, Maria Simone Weithers, Gerald Bedney, Kyrk Defino, and Wallace Borges.

The two groups met after Equilibrium’s Momplaisir sent a video recording to Pentatonix of the group

singing “Run to You.” Pentatonix was highly impressed with the raw talent that Equilibrium exhibited, and they decided to take the newly formed group under their wings.

Pentatonix vocalist Kirstie Maldonado said, “Equilibrium was just so smooth. We really enjoyed their sound.” The two groups began messaging over Facebook in order to finalize the details of their future musical powwow, scheduled for the summer of 2014. However, when the groups were finding a suitable location to meet, the problems erupted.

Many of Equilibrium’s members are from Texas, south Texas to be exact. Pentatonix also has its beginnings in Texas, but in Arlington, a northeastern city in the Dallas suburbs. As the two a cappella groups prepared to convene in a convenient location, tensions started to rise. Jonathan Momplaisir commented, “Having the concert in south Texas would allow us to show off our cultural diversity, and it would attract more people.

Not to mention that South Texas is beautiful, tropical, and amazing.

South Texas is the place to be.”

South Texas had the beach and plenty of sun, but Arlington had Six Flags Over Texas and all the stadiums a fan could ever want: Dallas Cowboys, Texas Rangers, and Dallas Mavericks. As part of a crucial musical venture, a suitable city to discuss upcoming

plans is key.

Eventually, the two groups have chosen to meet in Austin, the capital of Texas. Equilibrium will open for Pentatonix’s concerts and will also be featured on at least two songs on Pentatonix’s upcoming album. One song, to the excitement of all fans, will feature a battle between the two basses of the group, Avi Kaplan and Gerald Bedney.

Also, Equilibrium’s publicists have announced their upcoming album, featuring an a cappella tribute to Pentatonix. As a last special treat, the two groups will hold a free concert in the HPAC that recognizes the place of Equilibrium’s beginnings at Andrews. Concert dates are not set in stone, but Equilibrium anticipates the concert in Fall 2014.

Although the two groups had rocky moments, they solved all their disputes when they focused on their commonalities: a great home state and fantastic vocal capabilities. Kyrk Defino said, “We solved everything by deciding to meet in the capital of our great country and state. We all get along really well now; Mitch and I are best friends! I’m also in their new Superfruit video, which is exhilarating! So be on the lookout for our new stuff!” With this mindset, they are sure to take over the music scene and set an unimaginable precedent for generations of musicians to come.

The Former Life of Karl Bailey Matthew Chacko | For Karl Bai-

ley, Associate Professor of Psychology, life currently consists of grading papers, teaching lessons, designing curriculum, mentoring student projects, and conducting his own research--a life steeped in academics. However, Bailey’s life has not always been so scholastically focused, as he was once part of the Star Trek inspired band named tlhIngan maH!, meaning “We are Klingons!” in no other language than Klingon itself, a fictive language in the Star Trek universe.

Bailey grew up with a fascination with all things Star Trek. “At a young age, I remember being glued to the television screen whenever the show would air. In that hour, nothing mattered,” said Bailey.

“Once, when I was watching the show, I vaguely remember a baseball crashing through our window.

I hardly noticed the window shattering in a thousand pieces and the ball whizzing through the living

room, inches from my face. I was pretty hardcore.”

In high school, his appreciation for Captain Kirk, Spock, and the Starship Enterprise culminated in Bailey starting a band, where he played lead guitar. “It was pretty cool, you know, to be in a band. All the band mates were fluent in Klingon, and we wrote everything in that language,” stated Bailey. The band wrote lots of songs, ranging from the woes of love to the inability to communicate, lyrics perfectly suited to the expression of teenage angst.

“I felt like our songs were pretty real,” said Bailey. “I think we encapsulated on a lot of life’s fundamental themes.”

Pretty soon, the band was growing in notoriety for their unique sound, described as “guttural space rap punk,” a combination of nineties hip hop, punk, rap, and Klingon. “We defined a new genre,” said Bailey. “We broke new ground with our mu-

sic. Basically, our style was influenced by the harsh sounds of the Klingon language. We thought it was really important be as true to the language as possible. There was a lot of bellowing and grunting. Oh, and we even had prostheses.” The band began touring around the United States, performing in cities like New York, Chicago, San Francisco, Watervliet, and Los Angeles. The group was even going to cut an album, as their fan base was growing quite large.

However, things began falling apart two years after tlhIngan maH!’s inception when fellow members began arguing about the language of the lyrics. “As we got more fans, some of the band members thought we had to become more accessible and maybe sing some songs in English,” stated Bailey. “But I found that unacceptable. I was a purist, and I wanted to sing in Klingon.”

Three years after tlhIngan maH!

began, it all crumbled in linguistic shambles. “Those were dark times for me,” said Bailey. “But I made it through.” Disillusioned with fame and compromised state of his band mates, Bailey sought other avenues and focused his attention on school. Not long after tlhIngan maH!’s breakup, Bailey enrolled in university and eventually earned a PhD. He now teaches in the Behavioral Sciences Department at Andrews.

“I’ve learned a lot by being in the band, and though I’ve changed directions in my life, I haven’t given up my love of Star Trek,” said Bailey who now teaches his daughters, Annalise and Lilianora, Klingon. Though his band days are behind him, Bailey still enjoys Star Trek greatly and values what it gave him during his formative high school years.

Leaving the office, Bailey held his hand in the characteristic Vulcan salute and said to me, “Live long and prosper.”

Tanner Compton | I’m always in-

terested in sampling modern interpretations of classic dishes and drinks, so when I heard that sixyear-old South Bend native Liv Ullman was opening up Liv’s Lemonade Stand at the University Park Mall, I knew I had to try it. Unfortunately, Liv’s Lemonade fails to live up to the hype given by local news outlets including ABC57 and the South Bend Tribune.

Taste: When I think of lemonade, I think of three words: tart, sweet, and refreshing. When I tasted a cup of Liv’s Classic Lemonade, I couldn’t continue after the first sip.

The flavor was so saccharine that I ended up throwing it all away. Instead of having a zesty, fresh lemon flavor, it was cloyingly sweet and smelled more like a mixture of a sugar factory and store-brand lemon-scented tile cleaner. It begs the question, did a child make this?

Originality: I suppose Liv’s Lemonade could be classified as original, if your definition of original is lacking in substance and purpose. Let’s put it like this: if you’ve only eaten dirt your entire life and been told that it’s ice cream, I suppose you’d start to believe that ice cream tastes like dirt. But if you’ve actually had ice cream, you know that it bears no resemblance in any form to dirt. By analogy, if you’ve drunk lemon-scented tile cleaner mixed with thirty Sweet’N Low packets your whole life thinking that it was lemonade, then I suppose Liv’s Lemonade would be the place for you.

College-Friendly: The one appeal about Liv’s Lemonade is that she donates half of her money to children in need. However, I would urge you to resist any hipster good-

will urge you may have and avoid this place.

Price: A regular-sized cup of Liv’s lemonade will run you well over $4 once you factor in tax and any “donation” they guilt you into making. It would be a better to just go to Starbucks and get a Refresher if you’re really in the mood for something cold. I’d say that for once, Starbucks has the better deal.

Setting: The reviews I had read made Liv’s sound like it had a wonderful urban-country design. However, when I got there, I was again sorely disappointed. The logo sign above the chain was merely a finger-painted banner. A few poorly engineered wooden posts kept everything up, and I struggle to understand how any of this passed the state or city code inspectors. It is as if Liv’s Lemonade Stand was constructed by a child. Furthermore, Liv’s is located on the street, which is perfectly unacceptable in these frigid winter conditions.

When all is said and done, Liv’s Lemonade Stand should be avoided at all costs. It is not worth risking your health, money, or time on.

Don’t fall for the trap some innocent, doe-eyed six-year-old makes to lure unsuspecting customers into buying overly sweet lemonade. If you want lemonade, my advice is simply make it yourself.

0 WHISKS

WED 04.02.14

VOLUME 97

ISSUE 20

11

Arts & Entertainment

Hollywood Comes to a Frozen Berrien Springs Demetri Kirchberg | Those people

PHOTOS BY TIRZA RIDEOUT

Revolutionaries for Movement and Efficacy, Southwest: Promoting Iconoclastic Local Design Tirza Rideout | The Revolution-

aries for Movement and Efficacy, Southwest (RMES) is hosting a semi-permanent, dynamic collection of work from local artisans.

The ever-evolving gallery space, displayed in several locations, has played host to some of our country’s most promising artists, including several Andrews students.

The artists participating in RMES are organized into collectives called “classes.” They work together to create collaborative installations based around a common theme. Ranging from lush abstracts to paper and foam collages, the artwork exhibited reflects the impermanence of seasons, moods, cultures, and even the artist’s own focus. At times heartwarming, at times melancholic, the works on display will certainly arouse emotion in the viewer.

One of these installments is a roving display featuring foambased creations that depict scenes significant to the artist. Pieces like “The Giraffe”, “Plane and Robot”, and “Walking in the Neigh-

borhood” make statements about loneliness, the pain of separation, and the fragile construct of modern society.

Similarly, when a synergistic group of artists were tasked with depicting the solar system using watercolors, the resulting designs evoked powerful concepts, including frustration, chaos, and the transiency of the human race. In “Red Space”, a fiery galaxy collapses in on itself while the earth implodes in center frame—clearly referencing the sacred earth movement and the ramifications of global warming. Also in this series is a serene, more subdued painting that stands as Red Space’s polar opposite. This painting, entitled “Conjunction” shows the planets in alignment, orbiting in smooth, orderly lines—obviously retaliating against the idea of global destruction and focusing instead on a peaceful future, possibly devoid of man.

There are even RMES installations that are restricted from the public—only a privileged few with the right connections can see

them. This author was able to attain a coveted look at one of these secret galleries—and the artwork did not disappoint. The installation, called “Primordial Agony”, consisted of a conglomeration of amorphous clay dinosaurs, writhing in apparent torment. Some of them were featureless and distorted, while others were rendered with startling precision. The collaborative exposition calls to mind the horrors of a featureless society—humanity’s ultimate betrayal of true identity.

Perhaps the most attractive aspect of this collection is its unpredictability. Themes are not announced beforehand, display locations are not mapped or announced, and the artwork is only displayed for a short time. Trying to track down all the exhibits is a monumental undertaking, but not an exercise in futility. You are most likely find installments put on by the Revolutionaries for Movement and Efficacy, Southwest in the basement of the Progressive Media Center (PMC).

who confine their small talk to the topic of the weather have certainly had plenty of fodder for their conversations this winter. With record-breaking temperatures and snowfall, southwest Michigan has had more than its share this season. All of these blizzards have captured the attention of more than meteorologists and stranded college students. Hollywood executives have turned an eye towards Berrien County, realizing its perfection for the filming of the sequel to The Day After Tomorrow.

The 2004 blockbuster film The Day After Tomorrow is the tale of an intense climate shift that sends the northern hemisphere into a new ice age. This year, when Lake Michigan almost froze over completely, and the polar vortex storm blanketed whole states in snow and ice, the makers of The Day After Tomorrow began planning their comeback, just releasing that the movie’s filming will take place in Berrien Springs. They were convinced by the seemingly endless winter that hangs over this town, perfect for a frozen apocalyptic setting. Andrews University freshman June Jaughkes gave her reaction to the news, “It only makes sense. It’s as if we like north of The

Wall in Game of Thrones. Mostly I just assume God has forsaken us.”

Director Roland Emmerich was reportedly spotted scouting out locations in Berrien Springs, including the Andrews University campus. The sequel’s much smaller budget takes settings like the New York Public Library out of picture, with buildings such as Buller and Hammel Hall serving as replacements. In a recent press release, Emmerich gave the following quote: “The small town of Berrien Springs, Michigan is, in a word, ideal for an apocalyptic film. We won’t have to do much altering to convince people that this place is completely lifeless. When I visited the college campus, all I saw were nearly frozen individuals moving like zombies through a cloudburst of snow. I don’t think we could have found a more convincing place to shoot our excessively somber, end of the world sequel.”

Filming will begin after the first snowfall this coming winter, so approximately around September.

Rumored titles include The Day Before Tomorrow, Two Days After Tomorrow, and Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow. The movie is projected to be released in theaters early 2016. That is assuming the crew survives the winter.

High Society, Esq. Arts & Entertainment Editor

THE STUDENT MOVEMENT

The Last Word THE STUDENT MOVEMENT STAFF

Melodie Roschman | It was only

two weeks into the school year when I realized I had made a terrible choice of Student Movement staff. Late Thursday night I stopped by the office to pick up some paperwork, and opened the door to see Ideas Editor Jaime Vargas standing on the couch, shouting “Hallelujah!” The aspiring pastor had arranged a small congregation of action figures and stuffed animals on the floor and was enthusiastically preaching to them. Alone, I might have written this off as mere eccentricity, but that week I had already had to deal with News Editor Tim Hucks Nerf gun sniping from the roof of Bell Hall, and copy editor Jason Shockey attempting to switch out all of the articles for a 10,000word reflection on his love of the letter “Q.” Like a Pathfinder finishing the Knot-tying Honor, I had reached the end of my rope. When I am sad or stressed, I often turn to my favorite movie, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York for inspiration. The timeless children’s classic illus-

trates the endless creativity and fragility of the human condition so well, and the tender reunion of Kevin and the Pigeon Lady makes me weep like an onion farmer every time. As I watched Macaulay Culkin destroy his uncle’s renovations and set elaborate traps for the bungling burglars with the cold, calculated precision of a Nicholas Sparks novel and the imaginative malice of a slasher movie villain, I realized I had found the solution to my staffing problem. I would simply set up a series of elaborate traps in the Student Movement office, and then wait for my entire staff to be checked into the hospital with mild, comical injuries. I would deny everything, of course, and then replace them all with Architecture majors, who I knew could be counted on to complete their work with mathematical accuracy and work long into the night on projects, even if it meant hooking themselves up to IVs of pure espresso.

That Sunday I arrived at the office half an hour early and crouched

behind a towering stack of newspapers awaiting my prey. My sly smile suddenly deflated like a toolarge bubblegum bubble, however, when the door opened and not a delinquent staff member, but our faithful and helpful sponsor Dr. Moncrieff walked in! Desperate to save him from injury, I crawled out to warn him, only to press my knees and hands into what felt like all 437 Lego pieces I had left on the carpet. Screaming in pain I leapt up, tripped backwards over the fuzzy pink yarn I had extended across the door frame, and landed unceremoniously in a kiddie-pool full of beet juice.

Luckily, I was able to explain the circumstances away as part of an experiment on ground squirrels I was helping the Biology department with, but from that point on I knew I couldn’t get rid of my staff through booby traps. It would just seem too suspicious. This year I was forced to put up with everything they did, from the two-hour Justin Bieber sing-alongs during production meetings to the in-

tensely traumatizing Noodle Incident. Oh, how I came to relate to Shakespeare when he said, “I do desire we may be better strangers.”

No doubt there’s been a time in your life when you’ve been forced to employ a small collection of imbeciles to produce a weekly print publication in a small town in the Midwestern United States. No doubt you’ve realized far too late that what you want are minions.

No doubt you’ve discovered that, when planning an ambush, it’s smart to first confirm that you are not allergic to beet juice.

When you’re changing the bandages on dozens of plastic brickshaped wounds, just remember that this sort of thing happens to all of us at one time or another. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, take my advice: don’t make this a DIY project. Hire ninjas.

And finally, remember that, in the timeless words of Yoda, when it comes to staff eradication, “Do, or do not. There is no try.”

Letters to the editor can be submitted to smeditor@andrews.edu All letters subject to publication.

The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventhday Adventist church.

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This is a work of fiction. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious, or at least heavily exaggerated. Any resemblance to a real person, living or dead, is purely intentional. Happy April Fool’s from the SM staff!

Emily Roschman Editor-in-Chief

I Slap Floor

Emily Roschman Editor-in-Chief The Danger News Editor Dwight L. Moody Ideas Editor Michael Jordan Sports Editor & Distribution Bear With Batwings Humans Editor High Society, Esq. Arts & Entertainment Editor Jelly Arner Photo Editor “Q” Copy Editor CJ Schuhlts Copy Editor Don Vancho Layout Editor Scoot Moncrieff Faculty Advisor