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Carson to Direct University Medical Center “I am very much looking forward setting down to something less stressful.” -p. 7
PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER
MANIFEST DESTINY: DMC HEADED WEST “When Kanye West messaged me on Facebook, I knew right away that this was DMC’s moment.”
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PHILOSOPHY, VEGGIEADVENTIST HYMNAL BACON AND A THREE- GETS A NEW NAME DAY WEEKEND “The problem with our present “Previously a school recognized for its physical prowess, Andrews will soon lose that distinction without bacon-fueled athletes.” P. 4
songbook is that the word ‘hymnal’ is inherently sexist…”
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TRACKING DWIGHT K. NELSON “How a country preacher could end up on the elite American Olympic running team is beyond me!”
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HIP-HOP ANDREASEN “Andreasen will feature feathered hair, huge glasses and shoulder pads.”
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DECEPTION IN PARADISE “I want everyone to know that Barbados is a beautiful island, and well worth a visit ...”
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THE STUDENT MOVEMENT
News
DMC Featured on a Limited Release of Kanye West’s The Life of Pablo
Shenika K. McDonald News Editor
PHOTO BY JOELLE ARNER
Lydia Levy | On February 14, 2016, entrepreneur, producer, rap artist and entertainer extraordinaire Kanye West released The Life of Pablo on Tidal, a streaming service founded by rapping mogul Jay Z, of which West is a partial owner. Kanye fans across the nation were thrilled to listen and have the opportunity to react to the content of The Life of Pablo.
To the surprise of the Andrews University community, The Life of Pablo proved extremely relevant as two songs featured its very own Deliverance Mass Choir (DMC). “No Deliverance in the Wild,” was the first of the two songs, and with its impassioned rhythmic spiritual feeling and catchy chorus it seemed to pay homage to West’s Christian roots. The controversial opening lines
of the song created a stir on several different social media platforms: “Mama said make sure you on time fo’ New Life / Make sure you attendin’ Impact / But we still showin up at 12:45 on Sabbath / Knowin’ that it’s packed / ‘Cause we jus’ tryna be on hashtag Adventist fashion / Bowtie, sock game crazy, getting caught off guard, knowin’ we posin / In more ways than one…” Lisa Hayden (freshman, biology) said, “I felt personally attacked, but in a good way. It was as if Kanye really did his research on what it means to be an Adventist in our generation. Only Kanye West could come for me in that way and still make me want to thank him. My friends from other schools were messaging me and I just smiled and said, ‘You shoulda went to Andrews, ‘cause now we’re basically famous.’” Still, other students were less than thrilled by these lines. Oviri Duado (senior, social work) said, “I was never a Kanye fan, and here is another reason why. Who does he think he is, talking about us like this? Does he know the 28 Fundamental Beliefs? Probably not. But
here he is talking about us. Typical annoying Kanye. And the fact that DMC was involved just makes me question their loyalties to Ellen White. I am appalled; I’m going to go eat some haystacks to calm me down.” To gain a further understanding as to what the motives were behind DMC agreeing to collaborate with West, Anthony Bolden, Director of DMC and first-year Master of Divinity student, was cornered in the Seminary. He stated at first, “I really don’t want to comment. It was all Adrian’s (former DMC director) idea.” However, when it was clarified that he was “not in any sort of trouble with administration” or didn’t have “beef” with Student Life, he made the following statement: “When Kanye West messaged me on Facebook, I knew right away that this was DMC’s moment. He told me he had watched a YouTube video of our choir singing “Were You There” and knew that we were a hidden treasure that he wanted to utilize. He said he would do whatever it took: wait in the Gazebo line after chapel, sit through
three sermons back to back, or miss curfew nine times, just to get DMC in the studio.” Anthony continued—only after being convinced there was no way this would affect his degree—by saying, “The creation of the two songs wasn’t nerve-wracking at all. He just wanted us to have perfect pitch, immaculate breathing technique, and a seamless tone, nothing too serious. He told us to wear all camel colored outfits and sing as if we were angels. Kanye had us singing almost every song we knew. He listened to all of them with a straight face and then smiled when we were done and said ‘Y’all welcome’. Some choir members seemed agitated, but it is Kanye, what can I say? He then asked if we could lead praise team at his next concert. I was told by my section leaders to tell him that I would think about it. The whole experience was something else.” When asked what he thought was the true reason behind West taking such a seemingly random interest in the Deliverance Mass Choir, Bolden smiled and simply replied, “Have you seen this choir?”
Boutique Chocolate Milk Creates Gush of Dairy Revenue Scott Moncrieff | A few months ago, Andrews University administration had grown increasingly alarmed at depressed milk prices. When prices peaked at about $25 per hundredweight in August of 2014, the Andrews University Dairy was contributing as much as a 300 percent return on overhead, but with milk at just over $16 per hundredweight over the winter, equaling the low of May 2012, something new had to be done with the dairy herd. Shortly after Christmas of 2015, Head Herder Antra Prenure came up with a revolutionary idea. After checking with the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry and the Department of Nutrition, Prenure was allowed to go forward with her plan: to produce natural chocolate milk for the narrow but well-financed boutique milk market. Although the exact formula is a trade secret (patent pending), it basically involves feeding the cows a high carob diet, along with nutritional supplements and a light sprinkling of ground-up walnuts. “The cows love it,” Prenure said, “and we are hoping that after two or three generations of calves have been
raised on this stuff they will start to produce the chocolate milk all on their own. Chocolate milk orders are currently through the roof, and with the milk selling at $48 per hundredweight, the cows may be sleeping on
juice, and even others,” LeCard said. “While those drinks were going bad in their plastic casings, we could hardly keep enough of that delicious new chocolate milk in stock.” There is talk of using the choco-
from their dorm to the fitness classes during the harsh months of January and February. Meanwhile, Donald Trump has already signed a contract with Andrews to retrofit Air Force One with
“ Chocolate milk orders are currently through the roof, and with the milk selling at $48 per hundredweight, the cows may be sleeping on turkey carpets by Thanksgiving.” turkey carpets by Thanksgiving.” According to Bon Appètit manager Puhtit Ahn LeCard, students are drinking gallons of the stuff at the Terrace Café. “We’ve taken out all the spigots for cranberry juice cocktail, grape
late milk revenues to begin immediate construction of the Health and Wellness Center, perhaps even expanding plans to include an enclosed swimming lane direct from Lamson and Meier lobbies to the Wellness Center to allow residents to freestyle
Andrews University Chocolate Milk dispensers, should he be elected. As he has repeatedly emphasized, he is leading in all the polls while conducting a campaign with no substance, so if it gets close he can always add a little substance and pull ahead by
November. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton, the Democratic frontrunner, has promised to include government-assisted Andrews University chocolate milk under her expanded medical services platform. According to an anonymous source, the Division of Student Life is considering replacing its current requirement for 30 co-curricular credits per semester with one requiring 30 hours of labor per semester in the Dairy to allow the Dairy to double its production of chocolate milk next year. “With the demand for Andrews University Chocolate Milk skyrocketing, the administration is desperate to increase production,” the source said. “If they don’t do something, there will be riots of thirsty chocolate milk lovers on JN Andrews Boulevard!”
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ited through the back lobby; Wright, however, ended up losing his way. “When I finished touring the different floors, I didn’t want to go back to my room to study. So, I decided to stay in one of the lobbies and watch funny vine compilations until it was time to leave. After waking up in complete darkness from an unexpected nap, I realized that Open House had ended over four hours earlier.” After hitting himself on the head for being so careless, Wright choose to exit the same way he came in, but it wasn’t as simple as he thought. “Everything looked the same! The halls, the doors, the bathrooms, everything! I went back towards what seemed to be the way I had come through but ended up on a completely different wing,” Wright said. After hours of pushing through various doors and hallways, Wright decided to create a strategy to find a way to escape and return back to Meier Hall. “There I was with a dead phone, struggling to find the exit. I found a vacant room filled with towels and toilet paper and decided to make it my temporary living space while developing a plan to get out,” Wright said. Wright also spoke about his thought process in how he believed he would be free from the walls of Lamson. “Luckily, I watched all four seasons of ‘Prison Break’ over the summer, so I decided to channel my inner Michael Scofield and began to carve into the walls a perspective map of Lamson.” On the map, Wright began to draw what he believed to be the hallway he was trapped in. He also kept track of
the different directions in the building by listening to the RA announce dorm worships in the South East and Middle East lobbies. “South east, middle east, east east!” Wright began to rock back and forth. “I can’t speak those words without shivering,” Wright said. “Even hearing people speak about going to South Bend almost sends me over the edge.” By the end of week two, Wright may not have figured a way out, but he had managed to sustain himself with his surroundings. “After much trial and error, I discovered the vending machine room, where I purchased water bottles for bathing and also different snacks to keep me alive for the next day,” Wright said. By the third week, Wright’s frustration took over, and he decided that by the following Monday he would find his way out once and for all. “I woke up at what I believe to be early in the morning and decided to ditch my original plan and completely follow my instincts. After about three hours I heard what seemed to be birds chirping. I ran for my life toward the sound and before my eyes I saw the greatest sight, grass. I started to shout and jump around until I realized there was no pathway to the campus,” Wright said. Sadly, Wright had found his way into one of Lamson’s inner courtyards, with nowhere to go but back inside the dorm. “After that incident I completely shut down and decided to accept my fate of being trapped in what seemed to be a nightmare,” Wright said. “Every night I would sit and dream of being free, of smelling the beautiful
scent of the Dairy farm.” The following week, housekeeping supervisor Griselda Guzman heard a strange noise while vacuuming one of the hallways. As Guzman walked closer to the room, she began to hear what seemed to be snoring from one of the storage closets. When Guzman opened the door, she couldn’t believe what she saw. “I just remember screaming, seeing this boy laying in a bed of towels and toilet paper. When I yelled to wake him up, he was so shocked that he looked as if he saw a ghost,” Guzman said. After being led out of the dorm, Wright knelt down and thanked God for bringing him out of Lamson Hall. “I couldn’t believe it. I was free. All I wanted to do was eat a breakfast burrito and charge my phone,” Wright said. Lamson resident Denae Keizs (freshman, Explore Andrews) spoke about her reaction to finding out that a male had been living in Lamson for an entire month. “I feel terrible for the guy. I mean, living in Lamson is not for the weak. I’m glad he was finally rescued,” Keizs said. Although he has over two weeks of missed tests and assignments to complete, Wright seemed at peace with being back in Meier Hall. When asked why he didn’t just ask someone for directions out of the dorm, Wright jokingly said, “I guess what they say about men and directions is true.”
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News
Trapped in Fort Lamson
PHOTO BY SHENIKA K. MCDONALD
“Every night I would sit and dream of being free, of smelling the beautiful scent of the dairy.” Regine Senior | On April 1, 2016, David Wright (junior, Explore Andrews) was found in a storage room on the third floor of the undergraduate women’s dormitory, Lamson Hall, after being unable to find his way out of the building during an Open House event that was held during the last week of February. “I was stuck in what seemed to be
an impossible maze for thirty days. It was a most traumatizing experience, and I would not wish it on anyone,” Wright said. Being a transfer student who attended a university in his hometown of Imalone, Wisc., Wright spoke about his excitement in being at a new school and viewing the different dormitories on campus.
“I haven’t made any friends yet, so I thought that Open House would be a perfect opportunity for me to meet new people. Little did I know that entering those black metal doors would change my life forever,” Wright said. When the RA announced that it was time for visitors to head back to their respective dorms, most of the students followed the crowd and ex-
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THE STUDENT MOVEMENT
Ideas
“I have a giant baking book, so I close my eyes and pick a random page. Whatever it is, I try to bake it!” — Andrea Luxton
End Time Drills Daniel J. Fults
that would likely be experienced in that area. For example, ascension robes come in light linen models for summer, heavier fleece models, and even insulated quilted versions in the style of a snowsuit. In the South, lighter models of linen, cotton or chiffon are much more popular for the warmer, more humid environment. Regardless of how exactly one prepares for the End Times, it is clear that some form of drills or procedures are important preparatory measures for the end times. Being provided the knowledge and tools for survival in the hill country without access to grocery stores or other worldly amenities gives Andrews Students an incredible edge and much more peace of mind about the that great gettin’ up morning than other metaphorical bridesmaids who are without that metaphorical lamp oil.
and empty contents into bowls. “They have to learn how to take care of themselves when the Sunday law is passed and we flee to the hills. It’s very important,” the teacher explains. He hands me “101 Canned Casseroles,” the textbook for the class, and I browse it as he describes the curriculum. The class is a supplementary PE class designed especially for Adventist youth. They learn to weave
cloth, find clean water (or purify it themselves), farm, forage, and even learn basic construction skills and how to make casseroles from items commonly found in the woods—all essential skills needed for survival near the end of time. Not every Adventist school curriculum features this kind of course, however. In most cases, it is the parent’s responsibility to ensure that their child is prepared for the crisis at the end of days by assisting them in compiling what is known as a “Revelation Chest,” similar to the traditional “Hope Chest” built for young girls before they are married. The Revelation Chest, named for the book in the Bible containing the most prophecies about the end times, is meant to contain all of the items necessary to survive the end times. A customary Revelation Chest contains basic tools of farming and construction, many canned goods, vegan fabrics, a waterproof hymnal and the all-important ascension robe. Ascension robes are almost universally accepted as the attire for the end times, though the style of robe varies depending on a believer’s regional climate. In the northeast, frequently covered in snow and ice, these end times preparations are designed to be adapted to the extreme weather conditions
Aside from the obvious repercussions of offering such a limited array of veggie meats for sandwiches and burritos, studies from the Behavioral Sciences department are now showing that grades and motivation levels are dropping significantly across the board. After the academic apex of Robbie Polski’s 100 percent score on the physics GRE, test scores have decreased at a steady and alarming rate. Student visits to the Counseling and Testing Center have increased, as well as a lack of motivation and feelings of loss, and in some cases, depression. A memorial service for the
bacon was held early in February when it became clear bacon was not returning to campus any time soon. Students have moved through the stages of grief for bacon at different rates, but the current predominant stage on the campus is anger. Riots, picketing, and boycotting have been prominent in recent weeks, eventually culminating in the burrito massacre of March 26, during which more than a hundred students stormed the Gazebo, destroying all of the burritos on the line. Perpetrators were seen wearing masks made of tortillas, ripping burritos out of people’s hands and throwing them
at the terrified Gazebo staff. Over the last academic year, many things have rocked the Andrews community, from the retirement of University President Niels-Erik Andreasen and Department of History legend Brian “The Slayer” Strayer to the confirmation of gravity waves by Ligo to the recent Shockey embezzlement scandal. It can be argued, however, that none of these occurrences was so dramatic as the Gazebo bacon disappearance. Be wary of your fellow students, as one can never tell to what extent the shortage is affecting them.
Ideas Editor
| Since October 22, 1844, Adventists worldwide have looked forward to the Time of Trouble, a catastrophic period just before the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. In preparation for that “great gettin’ up mornin’,” many have begun to prepare in advance—not just through Scripture, prayer and fellowship, but through practiced drills and protocols designed to maximize efficiency Emily Cancel
and preparedness if, upon waking, they should hear the trumpet sound in that morning. Tweeeet! An anonymous physical education (PE) teacher at an Adventist school blows his whistle to signal the students currently gathered in the gymnasium to begin their exercises. I watch as the students run to a table at the other end of the gym. They begin to grab canned items
Where’s the Bacon? Emilia Canatoli | For years, bacon
has been the uncontested favorite veggie meat on this campus. Its indomitable presence in our breakfast burritos, croissant and bagel sandwiches, sub sandwiches and BLT’s has kept us unfailingly satisfied, and we have grown to depend upon it. Morale was shattered at the beginning of this semester when the Gazebo ceased to offer veggie bacon as one of its options for meat substitute. Events are still developing, but it is important to understand the gravity of the situation at hand since it affects all of us to some extent. Bacon has long been the most
popular veggie meat offered by the Gazebo, becoming a staple for those who seek to replace the meat in their diet. Its disappearance spurred a protein deficiency in the student body that likely contributed to Andrews’ failure to obtain the Guinness World Record in situps in January of this year. Previously a school recognized for its physical prowess, Andrews will soon lose that distinction without bacon-fueled athletes. Our sports teams will decline, and the athletes of the campus will have to resort to eating beans and tofu, a diet well known for its unfortunate gastric effects.
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a day altogether. While valid, this argument also has its flaws. A longer weekend
day to prepare for those big tests and projects, a day that would be very welcome for us Sabbath-keepers. Studies show that stress levels fall whenever there is a three-day weekend and that productivity rises, so it would be to the benefit of all involved for us to have an extended time of rest. When presented with all of the evidence of the benefits that arise from a three-day weekend, it would seem obvious for all to support it. However, many are still opposed to the changes that have been implemented. The small number of protesters (numbering about three in total) have decided to boycott the extended weekends and attend classes even though the professors will not be present.
They are choosing to wake up at 8 a.m. in order to make their voices heard. “We love Mondays,” one of the protesters said. “We believe that it is a travesty to remove our favorite day of the week from the schedule. Mondays have given us so much joy; extending the weekend would give us much unhappiness.” Despite the protests, Andrews Universitwy has decided to keep the Three-Day Weekend rule. For those of us who hate Mondays, we can rejoice knowing that they are now something to be celebrated. Let us thank all of those involved in the process for having the prudence to get rid of the Mondays once and for all.
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Ideas
The End of the “Mondays” Nathan Kim | Andrews Universi-
ty has recently called for the implementation of the “Three-Day Weekend” rule. This decision was brought about due to the overwhelming reaction from staff and students alike when faced with the dreaded “Mondays.” The Mondays have been recognized as an official disorder by the American Public Health Association who found that the disorder is caused by procrastination and lack of sleep. Andrews University hopes to alleviate the Mondays by making every weekend a three-day weekend and, in the process, improving campuswide productivity. “Will three-day weekends solve our problems, though?” This criticism was raised among the board
members when deciding the fate of the cursed Mondays. Who is to say that Mondays are the prob-
faced with a new syndrome: the Tuesdays. Would removing Tuesdays become necessary as well?
“We love Mondays,” one of the protesters said. “We believe that it is a travesty to remove our favorite day of the week from the schedule..” lem? There is the distinct possibility that if Mondays were removed from the work week, we would be
It seems that a precedent would be set as to how we deal with the tiredness of the week—just remove
would mean more rest and more time to prepare for the upcoming week. There would be an extra
Ante Jerončič to Host Philosophy Talk Show in Fall 2016
Daniel J. Fults | Andrews Uni-
versity’s own Ante Jerončić, Associate Professor of Ethics and
Theology in the Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary has been picked up to host a syndicat-
ed philosophy-themed televised talk show slated to begin airing in the fall of 2016.
“The opportunity for the show wasn’t without some Hegeling,” Jerončić explained, “it went
through a series of theses and antitheses before receiving a green light. The title of the show is to be “Ja! Philosophy with Ante.” The show has been a lifelong dream for him, as least as far as his superego will allow. The initial line-up of the show’s guests include prominent names in the metaphysical world: Noam Chomsky, Martha Nussbaum, and possibly Daniel Dennett (who has to check with the laws of nature before coming). While many have tried to claim that modern philosophy is dead, there is much hope and optimism for Jerončić’s undertaking. “I Kant get into the details, but I can promise you we Arendt going to be banal,” Jerončić was heard saying. The idea is to hit a demographical Nietzsche that isn’t being reached currently (additionally, there is hope for an animated Ubermensch spin-off). Jerončić gave a peek into his idea process for the show saying, “I sit in my Kierkegaarden and the ideas usually come to me, or if need be I can always go out and paddle in my Camus down the river to a special cave where I start a
Blaiseing bonfire and gaze at the shadows.” While the existence of the show is just getting started, the hope is that it will be able to Locke in a primetime spot. Critics say as long as they don’t put Descartes before the horse, they won’t have any reason to Derrida and deconstruct it, as they hope to be giving it good Marx. We have been lead to expect there to be some Humeor on the show, but we can’t assume that it will cause that effect. If the claims are to be believed, it will be a Thoreau and captivating production that will Hooke you Fromm the Sarte. This is a Blanc slate for the multi-talented professor, and we wish him success in his endeavors, as it’s the Niebuhrly thing to do.
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Pulse
Andrews University Requires Health and Fitness Testing for Acceptance Shannon Kelly | Starting in the
Ali Reiner Pulse Editor
fall of 2016, acceptance to Andrews University will require applicants to pass a Health and Fitness test. “Part of the Andrews University Department of Public Health, Nutrition and Wellness’s mission statement is, ‘…to influence the community at large to affirm the Adventist lifestyle, including plentiful helpings of kale leaves thrice daily, and the benefits of regular exercise and physical fitness,’” said Helene Brown-Blazer, chair of the department. “We are always striving to spread and promote the Adventist health message, and Andrews is starting the health and fitness testing with that in mind. We hope that it will encourage potential stu-
dents to become the best that they can be while learning the health message,” Brown-Blazer said. Ellen G. White’s health message is important to Seventh-day Adventists. Her book, “Counsels on Diet and Foods,” provides guidelines for healthy eating and living and caring for one’s body the way God intended. The health message also emphasizes the importance of physical exercise in conjunction with a healthy, balanced diet. “Our bodies are temples for God, and should be treated as such,” Brown-Blazer said. “God wants us to take care of the bodies He gave us. We should respect His gift. Like Paul said (in 1 Corinthians 6): ‘You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore,
honor God with your bodies.’ You look at America today and see all the junk we consume on a regular basis…things that are detrimental to our health, our weight…but a lot of people never stop to think hard about it,” According to Brown-Blazer, Andrews University wants to not only tell the world about the health message, but to exemplify it through the healthy lifestyles of its faculty and students. Andrews University Dining Services only offers vegetarian and vegan meals, and there are workout facilities on campus for students to use, but the new health and fitness test requirement looks to help prospective students get healthy even before coming to Andrews, where they will be able
to access such services. What does the health and fitness test look like? As can be expected, height and weight will be recorded. Resting blood pressure and resting heart rate will be taken. Then, body fat composition will be measured via skin folds. Next, flexibility testing will commence. Keeping the knees straight, the individual will be asked to reach as far ahead of themselves as they can. The fingers should reach past the feet, without bending the knees, to pass. After the flexibility test, the individual will undergo the muscular strength and endurance test. To pass this segment, the individual must do 30 pushups in a row, followed by 20 sit-ups and 10 chin-
ups. After these tests have been completed, the individual will be taken to the track for a cardiorespiratory endurance test, where they will run a mile and a half. Walking at any point during this segment results in automatic failure. Though a passing score on the Health and Fitness test is required for acceptance to the University, students may be eligible for conditional acceptance if they agree to attend a pre-semester remedial fitness course. Held at Andrews’ Pathfinder building, this onemonth boot camp will feature Drill Sergeant Tu Morrow, and push students to their mental, physical and spiritual limits.
Andrews Bans Competitive Sports Beginning 2017
PHOTO PROVIDED BY ANDREWS UNIVERSITY
Daniela Castillo | Many people
believe that sports are what bring Andrews University together, but some feel otherwise. In fact, Cardinal soccer, basketball and intramurals as a whole have reached such a high level of competitive-
ness within this past school year that it has heightened the concern of the Board of Trustees. As of April 3, 2016, the board has made a final decision that will take effect beginning August 2016: Andrews University has officially banned all
competitive league-sports. Prior to this year, Andrews has been known for their elite sports. Unlike our Tennessean sister school, we have not only offered intramurals, but we have been an active member in the United States Collegiate Athletic Association. With three national championships in four years and a ton of hard work put in over the years by both Cardinal Men and Women’s soccer and basketball teams, it’s a shame to see all of this come to an end. It has been nothing but a shock for students and faculty when word about breaking away from the association came out. “I was called in by the board to speak out on behalf of the issues that came with Andrews University athletics,” said David Jardine, athletic director and men’s Cardinal basketball coach. “I tried my absolute hardest to save what I’ve built and worked on over the years, but they wouldn’t budge. I’m going to miss my boys and the sports-filled atmosphere altogether,” Jardine said. Jardine has now accepted a job offer to be manager of intramurals
and recreation at Loma Linda University, where the 2017 Newmyer Classic will be held. Slowly, more and more people have been finding out the news. Previous Cardinal basketball guard Robert Moon (senior, accounting), was furious. “I’ve been heavily involved with Cardinal Athletics and this makes me sick. I understand that some conservative Seventh-day Adventists don’t believe in competitive sports, but why take intramurals away for everyone?” Moon said. Moon wasn’t the only one with this specific question. Bean Shone, Chair of the Board, stood firm with his and the Board’s answer. “I hate to say this, only because I know how many people will be disappointed by it, but competitive sports should not be allowed in any Adventist institution. It creates tension and leaves open the door for bad sportsmanship,” Shown said. Shone claims that he has gotten too many complaints from parents, donors and even our own faculty about how detrimental competitive sports have been on our stu-
dents. “This new policy isn’t set in stone, as we are not sure if it is going to work out, but for next year, it has to be done,” Shone said. Shone’s reasoning on behalf of the Board of Trustees leaves many sports-lovers heartbroken, but also leaves people with further questioning as to whether or not this policy will actually be beneficial to the overall institution or will only further drop enrollment. Nonetheless, Lamson and Meier Hall health clubs will still be up and running along with the outside tennis and basketball courts if students want to engage in friendly matches. Furthermore, Johnson Gymnasium will still be open for sport classes only, along with Beaty Gym for Gymnics practice.
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has already faced translation issues after a run of Spanish Seventh-day Adventist them-nals were literally translated into ‘The Songbook for the Adventists that are Male and Female,’ while a batch of Japanese them-nals read, ‘Songs of Woe to Man.’” “These are just minor setbacks,” said Pacific Press floor manager Cecil Palmer as he tossed another box of mistranslated songbooks into a bin labeled “GYC Confetti.” “We’ll have them them-nals up to snuff lickitysplit.” However, as stated before, oncampus support remains at an all-
time high. Diana Cardinal, head of the emerging Andrews University Feminists organization, expressed her feelings over a Skype interview. “Honestly, I will be camping outside the Adventist Book Center on the release date of the new, non-sexist songbooks,” Cardinal said. “Sure, it’s not ordination, but it’s a step in the right direction.”
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Pulse
Adventist Church Changes Name of Hymnal Konner Dent and John Henri Rorabeck | If you’ve ever had personal feelings against the present Seventh-day Adventist hymnal, now is the time to celebrate! At a press release on April 1, 2016, at the Michigan Conference headquarters, it was revealed that the present hymnal will be re-released under a new name. “The problem with our present songbook is that the word ‘hymnal’ is inherently sexist, featuring the word ‘hym,’ an obvious variant of ‘him,’ in the title,” stated Pacific Press public relations representative Michael Chadsworth.
“Starting in August of 2016, the Seventh-day Adventist ecclesiastical songbook will be referred to as the ‘Seventh-day Adventist Them-nal,’” Chadsworth said. According to the press release, the cost of this endeavor will be around 1.6 million dollars, which will be subsidized by selling the old copies on Amazon, recycling them as ammunition for General Youth Conference confetti cannons and exacting the remaining funds from all Seventh-day Adventist university student tuitions equally. When asked what motivated the
sudden change, Chadsworth stated that it was “a conviction after long sessions of prayer involving Pacific Press and General Conference members,” and not the crowd of 57 protesters from the Society of Women Against Sexism in Liturgy, which surrounded the conference building last week in a scheduled protest. Pamela Winchell, Society of Women Against Sexism’s chair and speaking representative, expressed positive feelings about the recent announcement. “I find it ironic that the term “hymnal” even came into fruition,”
Winchell said. “Since the Middle Ages, both ‘hims’ and ‘hers’ have used these books. It’s about time the title be made gender neutral.” Opinions through the world church have ranged from mixed to negative at this change. Though many on-campus supporters have expressed their approval through Yik Yak, Michigan conference member Steve Carlsberg feels otherwise. Carlsberg said, “Despite Pacific Press’s best intentions, changing the name of the world-wide hymnal over an English nuance seems a bit overkill. Indeed, the publishing company
Ben Carson to be Head of Andrew’s Med Clinic After Dropping out of Presidential Race
Konner Dent | If you’ve ever fallen ill to a flu bug or just fallen in general, you have probably paid a visit to the Andrews University Medical Center. However, beginning in Jan. 2017, campus medical services will be hosting a new, more permanent visitor. First announced on his Twitter feed at 6:44 p.m. on April 1, Ben Carson, neurosurgeon and former 2016 presidential candidate, publicized his latest medical endeavor: becoming head of the University Medical Center. “It certainly pays less than neu-
rosurgery and isn’t as intellectually strenuous as separating conjoined twins or anything like that, but after a season of political pandering and campaign tours, I am very much looking forward setting down to something…less stressful,” Carson said from a private room in the Library of Congress, over a FaceTime interview. “Plus, it’s a small establishment, so I doubt I’ll have to deal with anyone recognizing me,” Carson said. For those who are unfamiliar with Carson’s work, he has recently at-
tempted to run to become President of the United States on the Republican ticket. Before that, he was the first neurosurgeon to separate a pair of twins conjoined at the head and was the Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital from 1984 to 2013—events chronicled in the 2009 movie Gifted Hands, starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. As the interview progressed, Carson mentioned some of the changes he plans to make at the Medical Center. “It’s difficult to say, since I haven’t
been there yet, but I would like to get a few ambulances. Instead of regular ambulances, they should be Teslas. Teslambulances, which I believe are an actual thing, if I am not mistaken. I would also like to get a CAT scan machine for the medical center and install a bathroom that actually locks,” Carson said. Though Carson isn’t scheduled to take up his new position until next year, Andrews students and staff seem supportive of the new change, and interviews have been primarily positive. Adjunct history professor Hiram McDaniels stated in a phone interview, “Personally, I can’t wait. Berrien Springs is essentially a college, a McDonalds and a traffic light, so it will be nice to finally get some national recognition.” Teddy Williams (sophomore, communications), stated he was excited for Carson’s arrival and cited plans for faking a brain injury to obtain an autograph. However, not all responses have been positive. Maureen Johnson
(senior, physical therapy) said the change would be interesting, since she interns at the University Medical Center, but hoped that political motives would not be imposed. “The Adventist church has never promoted a political candidate, and quite frankly, their schools or medical centers shouldn’t either,” Johnson said. “I’m not saying that he shouldn’t take the job, but we shouldn’t accept everything he has planned just because he is famous in our community of faith.” Dr. Carson dismissed this concern, stating, “I would not let my political history bleed into this new position. I mean, sure I might put some Carson/Nelson 2020 bumper stickers on the back of the Teslambulances, but that’s it. Certainly nothing like, you know, a billboard with my name on it or TVs that play Gifted Hands in the waiting rooms. Nothing like that.” When asked what he would be most looking forward to about coming to Andrews, Carson stated, “Andrews is a very respectable campus,
you know. I’ve seen the hashtags and posters, and according to Twitter, at Andrews, students are not gaming or partying or anything like that. I’m looking forward to getting a lot of peaceful sleep that I’ve lost since entering the political field. Plus, with the Horn Archaeological Museum right next door to the Medical Clinic, I might be able to pay for an exhibit about Joseph and the pyramids. Also, I really want to take a selfie with that statue of Ellen White.” Although Carson has dropped out of the campaign, he did reveal that he is writing the introduction to Donald Trump’s autobiography, Gifted Mouth, scheduled to be released at the time of the Republican convention in Cleveland in July. Dr. Carson can be found on Twitter at @RealBenCarson, while @AndrewsUniv will post updates as the situation develops. Interview with Carson done over FaceTime on April 2, 2016 at 11:30 at both the James White library and the Library of Congress.
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THE STUDENT MOVEMENT
Humans
Dwight K. Nelson: On Track for God
Andrei Wayne K. Defino Humans Editor
Chris Wheeler | For many, the 2016 Summer Olympics will be the highlight of this upcoming summer. But for the students and faculty of Andrews University, the Olympic Games—this year held in Rio de Janeiro—will hold a special significance: Pioneer Memorial Church’s own Pastor Dwight K. Nelson will be one of the athletes representing the United States in the track and field category. “I’m still in a state of shock,” Nelson confessed. “How a country preacher could end up on the elite American Olympic running team is beyond me! I remember a verse that says, ‘The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong’ (Ecclesiastes 9:11)—but I didn’t think that was about me!” What everyone is wanting to know is how Nelson has been practicing for the Olympics, which are only a few months away, and how he has bal-
anced his exercise regimen with his evangelism. Nelson explained, “Prior to this Olympic invitation, I got most of my exercise by jumping to conclusions
(in Nassau County), to calculate the track length—so I am soldiering on.” As in his calling as an evangelist, Nelson makes sure that in everything he does, he points back to the Bible,
journey: “For example, ‘Run in such a way as to get the prize’ (1 Corinthians 9:24), or, ‘Everyone who competes in the (Olympic) games goes into strict training—they do it to get a crown
“How a country preacher could end up on the elite American Olympic running team is beyond me!” and dodging criticism. But now I’m into some serious training.” He added, “My fellow pastors have marked out a running track on campus equivalent to seven times around Jericho. To be honest, when I ran it, it seemed rather long. That’s when I found out, bless their hearts, that my colleagues mistakenly used Jericho, New York
and to God: “One of the reasons I’m so excited about joining the American Olympic running team is that the Bible is big on Olympic races. No kidding!” When asked to expound, Nelson cited several Biblical verses and described how the Olympics can be seen as symbolic of the Christian
(Olympic laurel wreath) that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever’ (1 Corinthians 9:25), or, ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (like in an Olympic stadium), let us throw off everything that hinders (the old training weights) and that sin that so easily entangles (like run-
ning in a tunic); and, let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us (every race has a course), fixing our eyes on Jesus (every runner has a goal)’ (Hebrews 12:1-2).” While Nelson continues to prepare for the Olympic Games, which are scheduled from August 5-21, he never lets his training get in the way of his spiritual walk, and regardless of how the American team performs this summer, he will ensure that all due glory is given to God. “No fooling—life itself is like an Olympic race—and the good news is everyone who enters the race can cross the finish line a winner,” Nelson said. “And on April Fools or any other day of the year, that is the best news of all!”
I Almost Dated My Cousin: It’s a Small Adventist World When they met, it became a very awkward family reunion. Our family is kind of big, so this was no surprise to them, but to us, it made us want to die. Oh my goodness. That’s hilariously tragic. What happened next? Higgins: I think we avoided each other for a good number of days. I know I did. I could not believe I was this close to actually liking my own cousin. Master: I was miserable….I told my older brother about her over the breaks and when this transpired, he did not hesitate to tease me.
Andrei Wayne K. Defino | Due to the nature of this experience, the names of the interviewees have been changed. It’s common knowledge that the global Adventist community is smaller than we think. Between unknown relatives, family friends and the plethora of surprise relations, Adventists have become almost immune to the shock value that comes to meeting extended family. Iris Higgins (biology, pre-med), and Seth Master (business management), however, were not.
How did you two meet? Higgins: We met our freshman year during orientation week. Master: We were in the same family group and we really hit it off; we have the same sense of humor. Can you tell me more about how your awkward relationship started? Master: It wasn’t until maybe near the end of our second semester that our friends kept trying to set us up. Eventually we started to talk more often.
Higgins: It was really awkward. I didn’t like him, but he was sweet and we took a few ‘gen-ed’s’ together. I decided to give it a try, so we went on a few cafeteria runs together. So you two initially didn’t have any interest in each other? Master: Yeah, it was kind of forced and teased into fruition. Like she was pretty and funny, but in the beginning, that was about it. Higgins: I wasn’t looking for anything serious or romantic. I was new to college; I needed to get my priori-
ties straight. Boys were nowhere on my list, but I gave this one a chance... and it was a big mistake. When did all of this end? Higgins: So we ended up going to the General Conference in San Antonio this past summer and we met up. I introduced him to my family and vice versa. Our moms hit it off but it wasn’t until our dads saw each other that I wanted to melt away into oblivion. Master: Apparently our dads are, like, third cousins or something.
What now? Are you two on good terms? Master: Yeah, we’re pretty good now. I’m a lot more cautious when it comes to girls and I do my research now too. I actually ask her for advice when it has to come down to it. Higgins: I actually hate him. Just kidding. I’m really critical of any guy who takes an interest in me that might have a chance of being related. I’ve become an expert Facebook researcher; I think “stalking” is a little bit of a strong word. And Seth and I have become best friends. Ever since our friends found out about our relation, it’s become like a lesson for all of us.
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VOLUME 100
ISSUE 21
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Humans
Interview with the Cardinal Mascot animal section of the Andrews community concerning their representation in student media. The Cardinals mascot asked for this interview to represent the animal minority on campus in an effort to be included in the campus culture of Andrews University. We always see you cheering and hyping up the crowd during most games. Why the sudden need to speak out? Don’t you already have a good presence? Well, first of all, nobody even knows my name. I work so hard trying to bring energy to these sports events, but no one ever tries to get to know the individual behind the smile. No one ever takes time to really get to know me.
Andrei Wayne K. Defino | The Humans section usually concentrates on interviewing the students and faculty
PHOTO PROVIDED BY CARDINALIS CARDINALIS
of the Andrews community. However, there have been complaints from the
I’m sorry you feel that way. Tell us more about yourself. What is your name? What do you like to do in your spare time? My name is Cardinalis Cardinalis. I’m a Northern Cardinal who specializes in Sports Psychology and Hypeology, but most humans like to coin it Mascot Activities. In my spare time I like to go to strangers’ houses and
take free baths in their yards or backyards. I also love to whistle very early in the morning; my parents taught me how to sing and I like to think of myself as the next Luciano Pavarotti. How does it feel to be the representative of all our sports teams? I enjoy my job. I love being a hype man. But honestly, I feel like there’s so much pressure on me. I’m just one bird. As a mascot I feel like I have to be able to do participate in these sports events even just a little bit, but as a bird, I have physical limitations in shooting the three or kicking a soccer ball. What made you choose to be a mascot? I was always the biggest one in my nest. My parents really wanted me to be like any other bird, flying in the sky, finding bread, and waking up early to get the worm, but I was different. I would sit at the windowsill of my human neighbors’ house and watch a lot of Sesame Street. Big Bird was my inspiration. He inspired me to be an icon for something.
Was it a hard process to become an official mascot? Well I had to go to Mascot College, where I learned everything I needed to know about becoming a great Sports Hype-ologist. We had dance classes, cheer classes, physical education, you name it. Becoming an official mascot was nerve-wracking and competitive. Our professors would send out recommendation letters, we would have to audition, and then we’d have to wait for weeks before we found out our acceptances and placements. Why’d you choose Andrews University as your new home? There were elementary schools, high schools and professional teams that all had a Cardinal as their mascot, but Andrews stood out to me. It was so diverse and I fell in love with it. Also I saw one cute Lady Cardinal, my now fiancee Alice, on my first day and I was sold and I have never looked back.
Andrews to Have Oldest College Graduate Ever Name: Hattie Mae McKittrick Year: Super Senior Interviewed By: Scott Moncrieff When Hattie Mae McKittrick rolls down the aisle in her motorized wheelchair on May 1, 2016 to receive her undergraduate diploma from President Niels-Erik Andreasen, she will be the oldest college graduate ever in the United States. Born in the spring of 1910, Hattie May will be turning 106 shortly before graduation weekend (if you want to know the exact date she says you can Facebook her). We sat down with her at her apartment on Third Street to ask her about her life and how she got to this place. Congratulations on your upcoming accomplishment. Thank you. I’m rather embarrassed that it’s taken so long, but better late than never. When did you start your college education? I actually was an early starter. I began my freshman year at Union College in 1926, only sixteen years old.
What happened? First it was the stock market crash of ‘29. Then, just as we were getting on our feet again we got hit by the second wave of the Dust Bowl. We lost the family farm and we had to move from Oklahoma to California. Too bad. When did you get back in school? After travelling around central Cali-
living near Walla Walla, and I took an occasional class there, but by then my Union College credits had expired, and I was so busy running the family sawmill that I hardly had time to study. What was the next step? I took some classes at Canadian Union College in the 60’s. I had gone to Canada to escape the draft.
couldn’t finish when Lester lost his job. Lester? My fourth husband. They just plumb wore out along the way, what with one thing and another. So in the 1980’s I was at Columbia Union College for a year, did a semester at Southern, and I would probably have finished at Oakwood in the late 90’s,
“I was so busy running the family sawmill that I hardly had time to study.” fornia for a few years picking fruit and harvesting vegetables—I met John Steinbeck, by the way—I enrolled at La Sierra. But then, during the war, I signed up to join the Women’s Army Corps (WAC), so that interrupted things again. I got back into college in the ‘50’s. At La Sierra? No, my husband Buford and I were
But the draft laws did not apply to women, did they? You’re right, but unfortunately I didn’t know that at the time. When did you come to Andrews? After Watergate and Nixon’s resignation, we came back to northern California. I took some classes at Pacific Union College (PUC), but the cost of living was so high there I just
but then I got drawn out to California, Silicon Valley, with the dot com boom, and when that went bust so did I. Plus, Richard had just passed, and I was depressed. Richard? Number six. The election of 2000 finished him. He had voted for Gore and couldn’t take what happened afterwards.
Pardon my asking, but are you married now? No, Hank was the last. I’ve put my information up on Adventistsinglesconnection.com, but men get scared away by the triple digits. Wow, you’re life has been so interesting. But our time is running out. How did you end up completing your coursework? I have to say the Andrews experience has been wonderful. They put together a package including transfer credits and life experiences, and basically all I had to do was Philosophy of Service and a Math class. Then I got the service credit for my time in the WACs, and math was a breeze, so here I am. And if I hadn’t busted my leg when my hoverboard slipped on the ice this term, I’d be springing up those steps to get my diploma. But President Andreasen has offered to step down to the main floor and give it to me. He’s such a nice young man.
Scott Moncrieff Faculty Advisor
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THE STUDENT MOVEMENT
Arts & Entertainment
Identity of Street Artist “Banksy” Revealed
Shanelle E. Kim Arts & Entertainment Editor
PHOTO PROVIDED BY J.N. ANDREWS HONORS DEPARTMENT
Ali Edge | The identity of the notorious graffiti artist “Banksy” has long caused debate and intrigue in the art world. The anonymous artist first gained recognition in Bristol, England in the 1990s for his or her subversive and often politicallycharged street art and has since become world-famous, with individual works selling for up to six figures. The artist has also won awards in the film industry and has written several books.
Despite being so long hidden, Banksy’s identity was recently announced. During an Honors Program-hosted chapel on March 31, Dr. L. Monique Pittman, Professor of English and Director of the J.N. Andrews Honors Program, announced that she has been Bansky all along! When questioned on the timing of her revelation, Pittman said that an increased workload here at Andrews University forced her to make the difficult decision. Such increased
responsibilities at the university include her co-teaching of Western Heritage, as she has had to commit to this past year, and preparing for the 50th anniversary of the Honors Program in the upcoming year. “Going about my art openly will save a lot of time that can be used for the pursuit of teaching, art and research,” the Shakespeare scholar divulged, adding, “Anonymity made it more difficult to create stencils and buy spray paint.”
Travel time, however, was what Pittman cited as the most significant change. She will no longer have to fly to England to create the majority of her artwork, which was the key behind her ability to stay anonymous. “Sometimes I had to take red-eye flights both ways in order to be back to assist students one-on-one with their research projects,” Pittman said. Banksy’s most recent works include 2015’s temporary “bemusement” park Dismaland in Weston-super-Mare, England — a sinister twist on Disneyland featuring a sculpture of a massive killer whale jumping from a toilet into an inflatable kiddie pool, an art installation where visitors can shoot miniature boats filled with figurine refugees with water cannons, and an indoor exhibit of Cinderella hanging from her pumpkin carriage brightened by the flashes of camera-wielding paparazzi — and The Son of a Migrant from Syria, a caricature of Steve Jobs as a Syrian refugee. Pittman commented on her inspiration for most recent of the two works. “I was so inspired by the class discussions of my students in Literature and the Arts as we were reading about Orientalism and the ethical
implications of one’s interactions with the Other,” Pittman explained. “Translating my heightened understanding of one’s intersubjectivity to my anonymous art seemed the right thing to do.” Pittman mentioned being a bit worried about a potential backlash from authority figures, but spoke animatedly about her work despite such fears. Andrews University President Niels-Erik Andreasen and PresidentElect Andrea Luxton were unavailable for comment. “The themes of corruption in institutions and despair for the human condition have enormous significance in life and should not be ignored,” Pittman said, referencing some of the common political and social statements found in her work. “It takes numbers to institute social change, and street art has the ability to reach those numbers. If I am martyred defending the expression of my ideations, it will only bring them even more to the forefront.” Pittman plans to reveal her next art exhibit at the World Shakespeare Congress this summer.
The AU Theatre Wing Presents Hip-Hop Musical Andreasen
PHOTO BY SHANELLE E. KIM
Shanelle Kim | In light of the dazzling popularity of the Broadway musical Hamilton, the student-run Andrews University Theatre Wing (AUTW) has decided to write and stage a hip-hop musical entitled
Andreasen. The plot will follow Andrews University President NielsErik Andreasen’s rise to the top, from his humble beginnings teaching religion at Pacific Union College through his brilliant achievements as the fifth president of Andrews University. “I am honored by the theater group’s decision,” Andreasen said of the musical, which is currently in its pre-production stages. “Hip-hop is actually my favorite genre of music after Mozart, and all the songs from Hamilton were on my workout playlist this year.” Many of the popular songs from Hamilton will be rewritten with an “Andreasen-ian and Adventist twist,” said current head of AUTW, Stephen Batchelor (senior, English). The repertoire will include “Ten Duel Commandments,” which the character Niels-Erik Andreasen will sing while dueling other
candidates for the position as Andrews’ President, and “Paper and Pens,” a reworking of the Hamilton song “Guns and Ships,” which will feature in a key scene during which Andreasen must make some difficult decisions as President. As for who will play the titular character, the Andrews University Theatre Wing says it’s still running auditions. “We’ve got a number of people who want to show off both their hiphop skills and their admiration for Dr. Andreasen,” said Bruce Closser, Associate Professor of English and the faculty consultant for the Theatre Wing. “Surprisingly, we’ve even had Andrews faculty and administrators audition.” Rumor has it that Dr. Andrea Luxton, who is the current Presidentelect of Andrews University, has tried her hand at auditioning for the star-
ring role. “I really think students will respond to Andreasen. It’s the story of their history using the kind of music they like and listen to,” said an anonymous student who is part of the Andrews University Theatre Wing. “I’m one of the people working on re-writing some of the songs. My favorite so far is ‘Walla Walla (The World Turned Rightside Up),’ which I adapted from Hamilton’s ‘Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down).’ It’s supposed to be about how Dr. Andreasen left Walla Walla to become the president of Andrews University.” Lynetta Hamstra, manager of the Howard Performing Arts Center, predicts a full house for Andreasen’s opening night. “It’s so exciting,” Hamstra said. “I got a sneak preview of the set and costume designs last week, and it all looks so wonderful!”
The costume and set designers for the Andrews University Theatre Wing seek to make these aspects of the musical as accurate as possible. To this end, they consulted their parents about fashion and architecture from the 1970s to the 1990s. Andreasen will feature feathered hair, huge glasses and shoulders pads on its actors, as well as plenty of linoleum and Formica countertops for its sets. “I am so looking forward to this event! I’ve already pre-ordered my ticket,” Luxton said. “I hope they’ll make a musical about me, too, though hip-hop isn’t really my style. I’m more of a country music kind of gal.” Andreasen will be coming to the Howard Performing Arts Center in the fall of 2016.
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VOLUME 100
ISSUE 21
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Arts & Entertainment
Architecture Department’s Tiny House to be Featured on HGTV’s House Hunters Maria Wixwat | Early this se-
mester, Andrews University’s Department of Architecture and Interior Design was shocked to get a phone call from the hosts of HGTV’s House Hunters, Suzanne Wang and Star Jones. When they heard that the show wanted to feature their tiny house in a special
show up soon after graduation this summer. They had wanted to come earlier, but after the freak winter storm this past Saturday, April 2, they decided to push it off until they felt they could be reasonably sure the temperatures would be above freezing—perhaps by mid June. Carey Carscallen, Dean of
Although the students won’t get to talk to the production team of the HGTV show, they are all very thankful that the result of their hard labor is being fully appreciated. “We’re just glad to get the exposure,” said Francis Gary, currently a senior architect major. “We hope to build many tiny houses in the
“The film crew is expected to show up soon after graduation this summer.” episode, it was quite obvious that their answer was yes. Despite the fact that the tiny house is listed as sold, the show still wanted to feature it to show how the trend of tiny houses is growing and to showcase the excellent craftsmanship of the architecture students. There have even been hints that they would appreciate a second tiny house in the future, which they could actually offer as an option to the contestant seeking a house on their show. The film crew is expected to
the School of Architecture and Interior Design, was a bit disappointed by the delay. “Most of the students who worked on this project probably won’t be in the area by the time they get here. Many were hoping to be featured along with the house in the episode,” Carscallen said. The House Hunters team has begun their preparations on campus already. They have sent over Jones’ and Wang’s fitting room trailers, both of which are, ironically, bigger than the tiny house.
“Freshest Breath Award,” thanks to the tireless efforts of Stephen “Gum Guy” Payne. Many Andrews administrators are hoping these awards will boost enrollment for next year, and President Andreasen said that it was the best retirement gift anyone could have given him. There is also a general satisfaction prevalent among the students and faculty of Andrews in the fact that other Adventist universities in outposts like Tennessee and Nebraska have not had such success with their own tiny house architectural endeavors.
future and lower our school carbon footprint. In fact, Andrews administration is considering adding a series of tiny houses on the athletic fields, or out behind Pathfinder Hill, should enrollment surge. The beauty of these things is they can go just about anywhere you could park a Toyota Camry.” Andrews has received much recognition in the past. With a diversity rating of .74, it was ranked among the most diverse campuses in America. Just last week the university received the coveted
PHOTOS BY SHANELLE E. KIM
Whisk Review: The McLean-Wheeler Refrigerator
PHOTO BY SHANELLE E. KIM
The McLean-Wheeler refrigerator, located in a cozy apartment in South Bend, is the provider and protector of many fine foods but leaves much to be desired in variety and service.
Written By: Mercedes McLeanWheeler Atmosphere: The refrigerator is located in a small kitchen. While the exterior is covered in an odd assortment of magnets, the inside
is pretty standard. I noticed that the interior was very chilly, not a place I would like to stay and eat, making me glad that I was getting take-out. There were all the normal features including milk, eggs, juice and strange leftovers, among other things. The leftovers caught my attention immediately, but not for good reasons. They didn’t seem very fresh, almost as though they had been prepared a few days ago. The aesthetic was very plain, though a bit cluttered. It didn’t seem like the sort of place where one would like to linger too long, not the sort of place where you’d want to have a relaxing cup of coffee. But the utilitarian vibe does have some appeal. Food: Even though I have been to the refrigerator many times, even multiple times in one day, I had a difficult time deciding what to sample. I considered a yogurt, but
decided against it when I saw the container’s expiration date. This oversight made me question the diligence of the owner of the establishment. This, combined with the aforementioned leftovers made me question the freshness of the rest of the food as well. There didn’t seem to be a noticeable theme with the food offered, making choosing even more difficult. There were a lot of odds and ends, including some bitter purple vegetables and what appeared to be cat food. On the other hand, I noticed with pleasure that they carried my favorite drinks and quickly picked out a flavored seltzer water. In general the selection seemed to be catered to my tastes, but the lack of coherence was confusing. I ended up deciding on a bowl of soup, some fruit and a bit of cheese. I particularly admired the refrigerator’s wide selection of cheeses, which included cheddar, parmesan, gouda,
goat cheese, blue cheese and even limburger. The soup was delicious, but I suspect it may have originally come out of a familiar Campbell’s soup can. While the food I had was relatively tasty, I found the overall selection disappointing. I left feeling somewhat dissatisfied with a mingled desire to go back to the refrigerator and see if there was something I missed, some delectable morsel that was hidden. I recalled that I almost always leave the McLean-Wheeler refrigerator feeling this way and wonder why I come back so often.
Service: The refrigerator’s service had its ups and downs. The best part is that service was incredibly fast. Almost as soon as I decided what I wanted I was munching away. However, the waitress was pretty forgetful and the chef made a number of questionable spicing decisions. I also noticed that the
refrigerator was out of a number of desirable selections, perhaps it’s time for them to restock. Maybe I would be more interested and impressed right after they resupplied. Conclusion: For convenience the refrigerator can’t be beat. But the selection was poor and the service left something to be desired. I’m sure I’ll go back, but I don’t think I’ll be impressed. 1.5 whisks out of 5
THE STUDENT MOVEMENT
The Last Word THE STUDENT MOVEMENT STAFF
Samuel James Fry Editor-in-Chief
AUSA President Embezzles $74k for Tropical Vacations Jason Shockey (senior, international business, accounting, Spanish), president of Andrews University Student Association (AUSA), confessed Tuesday to allegations of embezzling tens of thousands of dollars in AUSA funds to pay for numerous personal trips to South America. Shockey’s misconduct was discovered as a result of a nearly month-long investigation by the Division of Student Life, after students tipped off Andrews University administrators to Shockey’s luxurious lifestyle. Shockey has since issued a public apology, stating: “I want to convey my sincerest apologies to students, faculty and friends who were hurt by my actions. I know that saying ‘sorry’ will not bring your hard-earned money back, but I want everyone to know that Barbados is a beautiful island, and well worth a visit.” The audacious scheme was first unearthed when numerous suspicious undergraduate students approached Deborah Weithers, Associate Dean for Student Life, after seeing Shockey post numerous videos and photos of his luxurious spring break travels on his personal Snapchat account. “That is what initially threw up some red flags in my mind,” said Connor Smith (sophomore, international agricultural development). “Jason is always posting photos of his trips and vacations to South America. It’s not really believable that a student triple majoring at Andrews University would have that amount of money to spend, so a large number of students including myself started to question his activities.” Following the complaints, the Division of Student Life opened an investigation into Shockey’s “Presidential Discretionary Spending” fund. “While we hate to admit it, we have had AUSA officers embezzle funds before,” Weithers said. “It was just a logical place to start looking.” Weithers oversaw the investigation, which included bringing in an external auditing firm to comb
through the hundreds of reimbursement forms that Shockey had filed over the course of the 2015-2016 academic year. Weithers discovered that the account, which typically contains around $5000, contained nearly $74,000. “There was this jackpot of money in there,” Weithers said. “We couldn’t believe that he had somehow kept us all in the dark while he raided tens of thousands of dollars in AUSA funds. I think that we all believed that Jason was such a nice young man, it’s truly astonishing that he was so good at keeping up this façade for so long.” The revelation of Shockey’s embezzlement rocked the entire Andrews University community, prompting denunciations from faculty and staff members who supported Shockey throughout his entire four years at Andrews. “There is just so much disappointment going on right now,” said Dwight Nelson, Pastor of Pioneer Memorial Church. “It’s a testament to the power of sin to corrupt our lives when we let it run rampant. I implore our community to pray for Jason despite his actions. We all need forgiveness.” When the Division of Student Life publically announced their findings last Friday, Shockey initially disputed the charges. However, after a weekend-long detention by Campus Safety, Shockey signed a written confession, admitting to “gross fraud, waste and abuse” of university funds. “We detained Shockey from Friday morning to an hour before sundown, when we returned him to his room at Burman Hall,” said an unnamed source from the Office of Campus Safety. “About an hour after Sabbath sunset we returned and detained him again until his confession Sunday morning.” An official report detailing the interrogation claims that Shockey confessed after Campus Safety officers threatened to feed him leftover Special-K loaf from the cafeteria. “It was really a struggle to get him
to talk at first,” said an unnamed source from the Office of Campus Safety. “We took him to one of our black sites in the steam tunnels to undergo a routine interrogation. At first we appealed to his conscience and tried to get a voluntary confession. When that kept failing we moved on to more coercive measures, such as providing the detainee with a plate of leftover cafeteria food.” After his confession, Shockey met with a special tribunal set up by President Niels-Erik Andreasen, to determine what disciplinary measures he would face. According to an unnamed source, Shockey, who is nearing graduation, pleaded with the tribunal to let him graduate with his classmates in May. “Seeing that this was a serious situation, we didn’t want to let him off easily,” said Andrea Luxton, Andrews University Provost and current President-elect. “He embezzled a lot of money. It’s money that he stole from Andrews, the students and our donors. The punishment should be one that reflects the severity of the offense but is applied in love, one that makes Jason reconsider his ways.” After approximately 30 minutes of deliberation, Shockey was sentenced to 8,800 hours of hard labor at the Andrews Dairy. “We figured that at $8.40 an hour, he’d have to work about some 8,000odd hours to pay back the money he embezzled,” said Andreasen. “It amounts to around four years of full
time work.” Shockey plans to spend the next four years working at the dairy while taking online classes at night to pursue his Masters of Business Administration degree. Shockey said, “I decided that if I have to stay in Berrien another four years, I might as well make the best use of my time. I originally embezzled the funds to pay for my trips to South America to see my girlfriend. Long distance relationships are expensive, so it’s probably best that I have a legitimate way to pay for it moving forward.” UPDATE: As of April 5, 2016 at 7:59 p.m., The Student Movement has determined that Shockey’s embezzlement is more extensive than previously determined. The revelation that Shockey’s embezzlement scheme extends to various bank accounts and shell corporations around the world comes only mere days after 11.5 million files dubbed the “Panama Papers” were leaked to the press. One of the leaked documents, allegedly a copy of a check stub made out to “J. Shockey & Associates Venture Capital” in the amount of $2 million linked Shockey to other prominent world leaders who have been using offshore accounts to hide enormous financial assets. A full list of companies and individuals involved is set to be released in May 2016.
Samuel James Fry Editor-in-Chief Paris D. Rollins Assistant Editor Shenika K. McDonald News Editor Daniel J. Fults Ideas Editor Ali Reiner Pulse Editor Andrei Wayne K. Defino Humans Editor Shanelle E. Kim Arts & Entertainment Editor Joelle Arner Photo Editor David A. Forner Copy Editor Nichole A. Reid Layout Editor L.J. Robinson Multimedia Manager Scott E. Moncrieff Faculty Advisor
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventhday Adventist church. Please address all correspondence to smeditor@andrews.edu. The Student Movement reserves the right to edit all letters for style, length or possible libel. Priority will be given to correspondence from students, staff and alumni of Andrews University. All letters sunject to publication
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Hope you have enjoyed our annual April Fools issue. All stories are fictitious-though we do recommend that you keep a close eye on Jason Shockey.
This issue was completed at 10:14 p.m. on Tuesday,April 05, 2016.