KUYANEWS
We don’t mean any harm, except when we do January 2018
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Annie Doro goes back to reminisce all the remarkable, memorable, enjoyable, lovable, and yuckable moments in her beloved school before she graduates.
See page 8
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RECAPPING ON A MORE OR LESS SERIOUS NOTE Have the Powerpuff girls done enough to save Conyoville? Kuya finds out!
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CUMERECT RECEIVES HARASSMENT COMPLAINTS The election cummission sounds off about the hard, throbbing complaints they received from last year’s cumpaigns!
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ARENEAN TWEETUMS EXPECTED TO WIN Do the VIRGIN hearts of Areneo like to take it (their candidates) hard? Or do they like it soft?
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JANUARY 2018
Kuyanews Staff Pina Asa Kuya’s Left Hand Bee Song Kuya’s Trustee Jack Cole Summer Kuya’s Poet Bot Palu Kuya’s Super Fast Hand Penny Tration Kuya’s Artist Maja Roth, Mal Andy, Curie Pott, Thor Jack, Duga Lipa Kuya’s Ancient Writers Liza Seguerra, Luningning, Milagring, Mariposa, Ellen Ibong Adarna, Bae Lot, Mike Litoris, Paula E. Yaught Kuya’s Virgin Writers
Mc Kapal, Naga Wazan, Pina Bayaan, Kara Hasan, Mae Nudo, Elmo Ranas Kuya’s Paparazzi Choo Pha, Mary Asawa, Maree Juana, Pot Angina, Lee Bang E., Bott Tom Kho, Ariana Catalunan Grande Kuya’s Grafitti Artists
KC Contraception, Sharon Punyeta, Roe Tonda, Barbie Qiu, Lee Min Hoe, Miggy MuntingBerde Kuya’s Personal Assistants Corra Tan, Ava Tarr, Phillip P. Ines, Leila Kadiliman, Al Kohol, Ariana Catalunan Grande Kuya’s Interior Designers Lou Vutton Kuya’s Ancient Keyboard Warrior Mario Labo Kuya’s Virgin Keyboard Warrior Mar Rommy Kuya’s Guidance Councilor
WE’RE HIRING! Willing to write slightly reliable news? Willing to take not-so-socially relevant photos? Willing to spill the tea? Kuyanews is hiring! Send your resume with full body photo. If you apply now, regular ka agad! No deductions pa!
How to be Iro-free in the Year of the Iro By Pina Asa
As political parties struggle to make their candidates look like the perfect Central-Board-officers-to-be that they are not, we are reminded once again of how majority of these promises are going to be forgotten, broken, or both. We put into office these people who all have platforms that all boil down to one thing: better. But this pursuit for the “better” will only leave us chasing our own tails in circles: tired, and in desperate need of a treat or a belly rub. As the candidates bark their chants and recycled platforms, this year’s SOHOMON Elections is far different from the previous ones. Different as in there are now a lot of different ways to make sure that Areneans will be deceived again. Para huwag *masyadong* ma-waste ang votes ng Areneo community, here are some tips to be “iro”-free in the year of the “iro”:
candidates with zero experience in leadership pero at least very presentable naman sa publication materials at mas persuasive pa sa nagbebenta ng non-stick pan sa O Shopping kung dumada. And duhhh they have their political parties naman with complete props and black prop(s) during the campaign period so save na sila from bashing this year. Even though sabihin na nating na-force lang silang tumakbo, pwede naman silang mag-resign right after their first project. Lastly, according to a very credible fake news, candidates this year are better (mis) leaders. Natrain na raw kasi sila sa previous alumni at nasabihan na huwag na sa coffeeshops magmeeting, huwag events at paghahanap ng hosts nalang ang laging atupagin at magipon ng certificates sa seminars for a better appeal sa tarpaulins. At least we can be assured of the best line up who will give their best during Fiesta and other events such as… uhmmm… Fiesta ulit.
But this pursuit for the better will only leave us chasing our own tails in circles
First, Areneans should look for the best two types of candidates: the “I’m using SOMOHON as a stepping stone but you’ll never know that because I like to serve” type and the “My opponent has big promises but I have BIGGER... promises” type, pero hanggang promises muna at hayaang ang next admin na ang tatapos. *wink*wink* That’s how Areneo leaders should leave their legacies daw kase, there’s always another di matapostapos na sequel na aabangan. Second, watch out for fresh looking
As we try to keep sniffing for the right treat in this year’s SOHOMON Elections, let us be mindful of our obligation to vote judiciously kasi baka ma-scam na naman tayo ulit sa mga pangakong… pangako pa rin hanggang ngayon. Siyempre, hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon para manghusga. Hintayin niyo nalang ang mga pasabog namin ni Kuyanews sa social media kung may nasagap na ulit kaming balita. Ay! Oo nga pala, may isang kandidato raw na…
Ayan Partner! By Lang Leaves (dahil contractual)
Apat na taon na ako sa Areneyow ayan na naman kung kaya’t energy level check muna tayo Chismis daw around the campus eleksyon na naman nakakakiliti masyado pakinggan habang papalapit na sila with their banners and chants Oo nakakabingi along with their mottos and charms pero take a closer look ayan partner kita mo yung kulay naglipana sa gazebo actually they’re mobilizing yung recycled platforms parang plastik na pumasok sa rooms na sira ang aircon units pagkalabas tunaw na sa tindi ng init at biglang nag change ng anyo parang bago pero parang borrowed Ayan partner ang bilang ng friendships sa school nag-increase ng 5% or more noong first-year ako wala nga akong kilalang student celebs pero pagka next year masyado akong na-surprise friends ko na lahat na kandidato and if di mo kilala si ate’t si kuya tatlong sigaw lang ng kanilang apelyido sabay background effects na pailaw sa Arrupe hall for sure close friends na agad kayo Kung kaya’t let’s embody those events-organizing spirit let’s maximize our ties with the admin and syempre let’s practice transparency kung sino ang absent sa meetings para naman ‘to sa ikabubuti ng marami bago pa matapunan ng puti ang ating bagong swimming pool
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JANUARY 2018
SOMOHON'S BEST LIP-SYNC BATTLES
Recapping on a more or less serious note
By Bot Palu
By Paula E. Yaught
A
s we come closer to crowning Areneo’s Next Mema Superstar, let us pay homage to the iconic lip sync battles from Season 9 of SOMOHON’s Mema Race that GAGGED us all! For the unfamiliar, the Bottom Two contestants in every episode are pit against each other in a sudden-death synchronization extravaganza known as the Lip Sync for Your Career round. Whoever lip-syncs the tightest, pulls tricks the bestest, and secures our attention the longest is the winner. Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines. And may the best mema... win!
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#4: Gryph Fin vs. Tie Ger, “We are the (Double) Champions” Let’s kick off the countdown with an instant classic: Gryph Fin and Tie Ger’s performance to King’s “We are the (Double) Champions.” AAAAASK the current student government is about to end. Finally! Halleluiah!
Leadership has become a mortal combat in the alley of, well, ‘lea— *coughs* --ders’. Each candidate has his or her distinct personality, attitude, and issue that’s worth a cup of tea. Each may be PAK, Pabebe, or Peppa to the eyes of the student-voters, or maybe famous just because everyone is a Facebook mutual friend to them, a reason to win more votes (and likes).
Wurtzaga prevailed above the rest. These skills, however, were not enough to change their incapability to fix, follow up on, or even comprehend our concerns. Heck, lengthy online posts and tweets were not enough to address student absenteeism in several Paghahabi sessions, and not even the rampant non-attendence among our duly-erected SOMOHON officers! Yikes! And that’s not all. Remember when the Fiesta parade was suddenly cancelled for ‘security reasons’? You might want to ask Espresso on what’s
This school year is another victim of wasted potential and broken promises.
The chances of getting voted is not purely reliant on crowding the Miting de Avance, campaign gimmicks, and applause; it often gets shallower than it should. With such a complete armory of fancy campaigns and fancier promises, KJ Espresso, Dirthy Bag, and Pia
the real tea. Security wasn’t the only thing on Ya Boi JT’s mind. As our beloved events organizing core team crashed and burned, Pia Wurtzaga dove not only into SOMOHON, but also in pageantry. Talk about charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent! A true queen for the
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free calendars 1 vote = 1 calendar. BOTO NA!!! people... Not. Dirthy Bag, on the other hand, was yeah… uhm OK? I guess. That’s good, ah, that’s good. This school year is another victim of wasted potential and broken promises. The pursuit of change and not merely identifying problems has begun, and they were given the power to lead us to change. Instead, we were met by checkered attendance records and non-stop letters of leave of absence. What was supposed to be a promising year for SOMOHON has become a vacation year. This term was
full of meh – “Meh masabi lang.” But since we already know this repetition, does it all seem too familiar in the bigger picture? Aren’t we all the “SOMOHON” that buckles when push comes to shove? Or aren’t we still enslaved by the untruthfulness of this society? Aren’t we all irresponsible and defiant of our drowning sense of headship? Aren’t we the votes that elected our own arrogance? Or am I just a writer telling you to believe me? Anyway, I won’t run for the coming elections. I doubt my competence.
HON saying she couldn’t decide whose fire burned brighter. For those unsatisfied with the results and keep wondering who ~truly~ won: Who cares! We were all living while undefeated streaks were dying. #3: Chemise Trie vs. Inner Saboteur, “Don’t Blame Me” Despite tapping out of the Race in Episode 4: “Patay ni si Judas,” Chemise Trie still snatched our edges when she lipsynced against Inner Saboteur to Taylor Slow’s 2017 single, “Don’t Blame Me.” Chemise pulled out all the stops to win against Inner Saboteur, her archnemesis in the competition. Saboteur unleashed her signature move, Femme Hoaring, when she released confidential tea related to the Fiesta to the Twitterverse despite being told not to.
#2: Martyra Uy vs. Closet Assembly 5000, “So Much for Pretending (To Be Straight)”
be lip-syncing against each other in the biggest lip sync extravaganza in mema history.
In the events leading up to Episode 10: Cover Girls and Beards, we all know how Martyra and Closet formed a close bond throughout the competition. Despite their obvious differences, they both wanted the same thing: some head...piece of the crown.
Josie Lampara and KJ Espresso were up first. Their song: the legendary Barbra Ampersand’s “Don’t Rain on My Fiesta Parade.” Up until this point, Mema Race fans have never seen the bald queen lip sync, and guuuuurl did she deliver!!!
Martyra gave an Emmy-winning performance as she shed mascara-stained tears and lip-synced her heart out to Bryan Black’s ballad, “So Much for Pretending (To Be Straight).” Meanwhile, Closet just stood and refused to perform and gave different excuses: 1) according to astrology, they weren’t compatible, 2) he was busy, 3) he had a meeting, 4) his mom was going to pick him up /now/, among others.
This lip sync in particular was a tight one. Both queens were tight with the lyrics and kicked and twirled their hearts out, and it was a nail-biter until the end! The gays were gooped the whole time.
Chemise Trie countered this by death-dropping three consecutive times while mouthing the song’s lyrics to pageant queen Pia Wurtzaga, who she accused of sabotaging her performance in the Patay na si Judas main challenge, landing her in the Bottom Two.
“Looked like I was winning / Just when we were beginning / You left me behind... for your boyfriend waiting for you at Eleven-Seven as you ditched a meeting for him.”
It was such a tight contest that SOMOHON held a rematch. Twice. The rest of the queens were actually tired and annoyed that these two had to drag their showdown for two episodes.
“Don’t blame me, Patay na si Judas made me crazy / If it didn’t, you ain’t doing your duties right / KJ, save me, Kathryn is my baby / I’d be ranting on Twitter for the rest of my life”
And finally, the biggest gag of them all:
Winner: It was a double “Shantay, you stay!” both times, with Mama SOMO-
Winner: Inner Saboteur
Winner: Martyra Uy
#1: KJ Espresso vs. Josie Lampara, “Don’t Rain on My Fiesta Parade” For the first time ever in Mema Race history, SOMOHON changed it up for the finale: the Final Four queens will
Lampara started off a stoic beauty while Espresso tried to keep up in a pleather ensemble. Halfway into the song, Josie pulled off her gloves and BAM! A flurry of shredded memorandums burst forth and made KJ slip and fall onto her padded bottom. As if the gloves weren’t enough, Josie Lampara gagged SOMOHON with a final stunt: she took her gray wig off and showered the stage with food stubs! Poor KJ Espresso could only twirl around in the sidelines while Josie engulfed the stage. “If someone takes a spill / It’s you and not me / Who told you you’re allowed to offend me and expect me to continue with theeeee parade” Winner: Josie Lampara Whoever gets crowned on January 31st, always remember that you are now part of the exclusive mema circle. Honor the divine and redundant legacy, and make your own indelible mark in mema history. Good luck, and don’t f—k it up!
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JANUARY 2018
CUMERECT to
cancel elections due to disease outbreak By Maja Roth
C
UMERECT chairperson Char Rarat announced in a press conference that the 2019 SOMOHON elections will be cancelled due to a shortage of passionate student leaders.
some positions in Somohon do not have candidates running for them. This is the same disease that explains the absenteeism of the leaders during important issues in school,”
“I am sorry to say this but we will be cancelling the 2019 SOMOHON elections. It has become apparent that we are seriously lacking in student leaders. An epidemic known as the ‘student burnout’ has caused us to lose more of our potential candidates,” Rarat remarked.
Co added that the burnout epidemic is not limited to candidates. Some of the dulyelected SOMOHON officers have also left their duties behind and chose to answer the call of the burnout void and walwal-ed their hearts out.
Doktor Co, the albularyo of the university clinic, disclosed to Kuyanews the manifestations of the so-called student burnout epidemic. “The disease has several symptoms including loss of passion to serve, increased urge to engage in walwal and dependence in alcoholic drinks. It is a serious epidemic which explains why
Some of these poor, afflicted souls also have plans of securing positions in the SOMOHON next year. K u y a n e w s interviewed Chui Jeneris, a veteran student leader who recently pulled out his candidacy. Jeneris shared, “I-I just couldn’t take it anymore. Being a student leader has become so kapoy to the point na everything I do equals backlash for me. The keyboard warriors are so isog. Even my acads is taking a toll on then responsibilities I have as a people-pleaser.”
This is the same disease that explains the absenteeism of the leaders during important issues in school
“This is the same disease that explains the absenteeism of the leaders during important issues in school,” he said.
Magis Te, an online forum political analyst, discerned that the student burnout phenomenon could also be caused by issues within the political parties. “I think the political parties are running out of options. Some of their strategies cost them their members. I even heard that they make hakot of nonpartisan students who are interested to run. Once they gain their trust, they let them run under their banner.” Students had mixed reactions about the CUMERECT announcement. Sukokaa Yu, a third year student, was dismayed by the decision. “I don’t think cancelling the election would solve anything. If they won’t run for the positions we need, we should force them with embarassing photos/videos or angry callout tweets,” Yu shared with Kuyanews. Okayra Uy, a fourth year student, was indifferent to the decision. “It’s okay. I knew something like this was bound to happen. I think we should give SOMOHON a break. I think nothing much will be different eh,” Uy said.
ARENEYOW
Rarat justified the CUMERECT decision by explaining how an election for the next year would not be possible. “We checked in with our statisticians and they forecasted how by the year 2019, there will be no more students who are willing to juggle academics, responsibilities and heavy drama that comes with being a student leader. It would be pointless to continue with the traditional format of democracy.” Rarat added, “We are considering other viable alternatives to the democratic election. Among our options are raffle draw, offering of tributes, and combat by trial.”
CUMERECT RECEIVES
HARASSMENT COMPLAINTS FROM ARENEANS By Mal Andy Despite the record-breaking 2% voter turnout in last year’s SOMOHON Central Board Elections, CUMERECT received reports suggesting that everything was a scam, like most of the candidates’ platforms.
them to participate in the said elections.
“We have received similar complaints from our beloved Areneans. Mostly sa kanila, bigla na lang daw i-approach ng someone na they don’t know tapos hilahin According to CUMERECT daw sila kaagad papunta sa voting Chairperson Char Rarat, Areneans area tas ginasabihan na ‘Uy nagvote filed various complaints for ka na? Vote ka baaaa! I-vote mo si election-related harassment from ********* ha para manalo.’ Yung last year’s hot mess. iba matakot talaga kaya mag-click nalang ng kahit sino. Ang iba According to the complaints, magtakbo kaagad palayo like far ‘campaign managers,’ candidates, away masyado,” Char Rarat shared. and random strangers desperate enough to beg for people to vote for Rarat also expressed her fears their preferred candidate pressed for another wave of grievances from
qualified voters who might not be “I chose not to vote talaga kase participating in this year’s elections. you know naman, gina-break pa rin ng mga candidates ang kanilang Areneans sounded off on why promises sa people. Like everybody they did not vote last year. would promise change and then will not make it come true pala.” Gee Callie Banga, a graduating BS Ex B student, said she had Mema K. Ayu said he does not diarrhea for the whole three days of believe in the system. voting. “I do not believe in the political “Katong time man gud sa system of this institution. Whether elections, gikalibanga man ko, we deny it or not, student politics wang. Gusto man unta ko mag- is rotten to the core. Unless this vote pero dili keri. Emergency call problem is addressed, I will not ni mother nature.” vote. I invoke my rights for selfJoyce Co To, Banga’s classmate, discrimination, uhm incri—um... shared that it was a voluntary cremation. Hehe. Tao lang po.” decision.
TIMELI ES... RELEVANT
TIMELY
START!!!
ROAST HUNT /Retard/ from Atenews doesn’t understand why we have to waste money, time and resources to find the ‘best’ hosts. Whole Arreneyow community retorted, felt violated, agitated, harassed, gagged and oppressed.
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HUMAN INTEREST
AND THE WINNER... *ehem* WINNERS ARE: “Division-which-shall-not-be-named” Representative, cries for two straight weeks, delays SOMOHON meetings. KJ Espresso was forced to declare two winners after the said drama and Twitter wars. Division-which- shall-also-not-be-named’s happiness and energy went from top to bottom ;)
KALASA’G MONEY OY
PUSSY CONTROL
Change is here! Yearbookers change everything, receives complaints, complain back and disregard criticisms from Areneyow community. After “consultation”, yearbookers refuse to give a breakdown of fees for it might break them down yow.
Infamous AdDU mimings now prone to extinction! Seen as dangerous to public safety, Areneyow calls for pest control against these unsanitary beings and carriers of plague. According to Miming Cordero, the Miming Republic demands social justice and wants to engage in interspecies discourse at the Pakighinabi Room, 3F Community Center.
69th AdDU SIESTA (Kuyanews tried to write something about this “event”. Unfortunately, there was nothing to write about)
PARK VIEW HOTEL
FINISH!!!
Soon to rise! Areneyan Park View Hotel, slightly in the middle of the university. We can swim like a baby. We love this place. We love to stay in Areneyan... Park View Hoteeeeeeeel. Available at Php 1,215 per unit- subject to 5% increase without prior notice.
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JANUARY 2018
Classy Ads
SUI GENERIC Leaders We Need By Ellen Ibong Adarna
A
side from sembreaks and holidays, there’s nothing that excites Areneans more than the SOMOHON Elections and the free stickers that come with exercising the right to suffrage. Elections that seem to determine its winners by the length of time one can hold his/her breath through the endless chorus of the songs that are the candidates’ family names. It’s a wonder Lea Salonga has not turned her chair yet. The election is the most well-attended event by the Areneyow community, from the good-looking candidates and campaign managers ready to flash their smiles that are sure to get your vote than the platforms and the colorful campaign paraphernalia that your tuition fee funded,
it almost beats the hype from the ila said of Lodi Gaga, candidate Fiesta. from (Piglasapatch) As the new administration steps down after an uneventful According to SinigangChronschool year, a new set of Sui Ge- icles, Ka What Anne has been neric students who known to cheat want the Leaderwhenever the opship Award medal "Ayy sorry. Di portunity permits. when they graduBut there is one ate is ready to face gud ako familiar seatmate ready to the twitter bashsa platforms rescue! es, rants, and the niya! Di na kasi s o on-to-b e-over “Huuuy!!!! Hinfriendships. Ha! ako naga attend di gud yan siya cheater. Tapad gud sa mga General “Kagaling niya kami sa isang class gud talaga. Like, at Assemblies, noon. Kahit na sigfirst, di namin siya uro mastroke ang wala kasing gusto pero giprove teacher hindi yan niya talaga na like, snacks. Hehe!" siya magpakopya. deserving gud siya Selfish no? But yea saan siya ngayon. di siya cheater.” Naga iyak pa nga yan siya sa harap Duga Lipa clarifies the rumors naming lahat kasi super stressed surrounding his seatmate for one kasi gahot talaga siya.” Car In Dev- sem. Find you a seatmate like
Duga Lipa, mumshies. The big three wouldn’t be complete without DJ Ka Geed whose headquarters is nowhere to be found and whose party members interviewed by Kuyanews are either clueless of the platforms or are only there for the additional spark in the resume. “Ayy sorry. Di gud ako familiar sa platforms niya! Di na kasi ako naga attend sa mga General Assemblies, wala kasing snacks. Hehe! Iask ko nalang siya ano platforms niya pero baka magcampaign rin siya sa may Freedom Park so abangan niyo na lang.” Load Ee told Kuyanews when asked about their MIA candidate. This year’s candidates is an interesting mix of sugar, spice, and hopefully nice. Abstain wisely, Areneans.
BREAKING: My heart
Need ug uyab for Valentines?
WANTED: EVENT ORGANIZERS
WALA’Y REKLAMO, WALA’Y LABOT, WALA’Y HASOL!
SHOULD HAVE CONNECTIONS WITH JADINE AND KATHNIEL
Kinsa na sad kaya artista sa Awitenista?
A CHILL POOL FOR ONLY 1,123.00 ENTRANCE FEE IN ARENEYOW DE DAVAO! WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT ARENEYOW’S POOL IS CHILL AF?
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: WATER INTERRUPTION AROUND ATENEO 53 hours Roxas 40 hours Claveria 60 hours Jacinto 78 hours Padre Zamora St.
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JANUARY 2018
Experts predict
Arenean tweetums to win this year's elections By Bae Lot & Mike Litoris
A
ccording to recent chikas in the Shet Wang Shet (SWS) survey, tweetums have 69% more chances of winning the students’ VIRGIN (and slightly apathetic) hearts in the upcoming elections for the school year 2018-2019.
By Estudyanteng Mas Bakakon
Candidate A
In an interview, Arenean Penny Tration expressed his preference for tweetums as the next student “leaders.” “I like tweetums because they look so humot and I know the school’s image is in good hands. Like, feel ko gud na hindi sila kagaya ng mga maingay na candidates na parang mga RARA. Ang mga tweetums ay very demure and kalma and you know like puppies so I know na hindi sila impulsive at makasira ng image ng mga Areneans,” he said while swiping through Grindr on his iPhone X.
Candidate B
DK: Mga September last year. Naga-Twitter lang ko ato, then naa ko’y nabasa na tweet ni Just Kidding Ebribadi. Nag-go ko sa iyahang account unya habang ga-scroll down ko sa iyahang tweets, naga-guot akong dughan. Basta, nakabasa ko ug tweet niya about genuine service unya halos di nako makaginhawa. Fake News Correspondent: Gi-unsa nimo pag diagnose sa imong
“Satisfied, yeah… uhm… matagal pa ba this interview?” never uses inane and poorly-worded language like ‘black sheep’ or ‘old maid’ to describe people she just met, Bobbie Kasalanan Moe expressed her observation regarding this trend of Areneans voting tweeA Corporate Communications tums over the raras, Management Student who is required to have an extensive vocabulary and
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iundang sa ug pag-eskwela si Dina Kopauto, 3rd year student, apan ni-grabe na ang iyahang mga allergic reactions sukad nagsugod ang campaign period sa Areneo. Fake News Correspondent: Kanus-a una nitukar imong allergy sa bakak?
Kuyanews asked if the students were satisfied with Espresso’s term.
For as long as the Arenean virgin hearts can remember, the Throne of SOMOHON has always been passed from one tweetum to another; And according to this year’s SWS survey, this year wouldn’t be any different.
Estudyanteng Allergic sa Bakak, Niundang sa ug Pag-eskwela
“The Rara candidates come off as too strong with their promises and seem so imposing. They look so incapable of hosting events and organizing photoshoots kung saan saan. They only care about socially relevant issues like TOFI, and you know naman for Ateneans, 5% increase is so cheap.”
To this day, there still seems to be no change to the student body’s preference when it comes to coffee…and tea. Only answers 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 in the crossword puzzle are correct. Please do not answer the rest.
allergy? Ni-adto ba ka ug doktor? DK: Nag-experiment ko for pila ka weeks. Nakig-sturya kog mga tao na kung maka-baba lami kaayo paminawon, nagimbestiga ko ug mga tweets na kanang plastic ray agi, ug nagbasa ug fake news. Halos parehas ra akong reaction. Mangatol ko ug magkagid-kagid. Karong campaign period, di na madala ug likay-likay lang sa mga bakak. Maski unsaon pa niya, di na daw matabang na makadungog o makakita siya ug bakak. Katong niaging adlaw kay wala siya kabantay nga gipang-angkon na diay sa mga Party Pips ang pipila ka gazeebo. Inig agi niya sa T-grounds kay nabasahan ni Dina ang mga hisgot nga “transparency”, “representation”, “communication”, “empowerment” nga naka-
plastar sa mga higanteng tarpaulin. Nakuyapan si Dina sa ka-intense sa iyahang allergic reaction. Di lang daw pisikal ang sakit nga gibati ni Dina. Pati iyang social life kay naapektuhan na sad. Isa ka rason ngano di na siya pwede mu-abri ug Facebook kay tungod sa mga electoral debate videos na naga-gawas sa iyahang feed. Mutukar na daw iyang allergy sa thumbnail pa lang daan sa video. “Pati ang phrase itself kay makapa-trigger na. If ginganlan ra to nilag talk show, makaginhawa pa unta ko’g tarong. Naa ba diay debate na muagree ra ka sa tanan gina ingon sa imong kalaban? If kapwa student dili nila kaya i-question or i-challenge, how much more mga admin?” Para kay Dina, kitang tanan
apektado sa mga bakak nga gapalibut sa Areneo inig campaign period. Matud pa niya, “Ako ra ang obvious nga ga-suffer. Pero actually, tanan ta mag-suffer sa atong trust na i-hatag sa mga bakakon. Sila baya ang bridge between the students and the admin. If weak ang bridge, walay reklamo or concern na maka-pass through. Tanan atong mga hinanakit kay kaunon ra sa yuta.” Ginadahom ni Dina nga mubalik dayon ug eskwela inig human sa election season sa Areneo. Nagapasalamat siya sa iyahang mga maestra ug mga classmate nga nagsaad nga tabangan siya mag catch-up sa iyahang ma-miss nga lessons ug projects.
14/KUYANEWS/JANUARY 2018
DIVERSIONS
HORRORSCOPE
huvogue
The fault in your stars o ang kasindak-sindak mong kapalaran
ARIES
TAURUS
GEMINI
CANCER
Iwasan ang lahat ng bidet sa mga CR, ang mga grass beds sa Arrupe, ang mga matcha flavored drinking fountain, ang iyong calculator, ang classmates mo, ang prof. In short, iwasang pumasok sa araw na ito. Magmukmok sa kwarto at tanggaping gagagraduate ka na this April na hindi masaya sa course mo.
Magsesend ka sana ng ‘I love you’ message kay boyfie kaso na wrong send ka sa papa mo. Magpapalusot ka sana nang makapagreply na siya ng ‘I love you too’ at Transaction code sa M Lhuillier bilang pandagdag sa allowance. Ugaliing mag ‘I love you’ sa mga magulang, lalo na kung marami kang pangangailangan.
May tatlong quizzes, dalawang paper, at isang report ka sa araw na ito at wala ka pang nasisimulan. Maiiyak ka pero marerealize mong wala ka ng time para mag-emote at magbreak down. Mangangako ka sa sarili mong di ka na magca-cram pero mas maiiyak ka dahil alam mo deep inside na wala ka ng chance.
Wag magpatalo sa bashers mo sa twitter. Awayin din sila. Maging palaban ka! Gumamit ng ad hominem arguments kapag feel mong nananalo na sila. Kapag nagbigay sila ng constructive criticism, sabihan mong pangit sila, ibahin mo ang issue, wag maging objective at gawing personal. Wag nang magreply pagkatapos. For sure, alam na nila what kind of person you are.
LEO
VIRGO
LIBRA
SCORPI0
Late ka. Anong bago? Wala. Keep it up. Wag ka lang kampante, lalo na’t hindi ka DL. Wag feeling dahil baka debarred ka na. Try mong kaibiganin at ilibre ang beadle mo at baka next meeting may unli cuts ka na.
Mag invest sa skin care products. Wag magpatalo sa classmate mong may day time and night time routine. Gumawa ka rin ng iyo! Bumili ng iba’t-ibang brand cleanser, toner, at moisturizer at iapply at the same time. Mag clay mask ka rin everyday. Kalimutan na ang lahat wag lang ang panlabas na kaanyuan. Because whoever said that beauty was in the inside… is ugly!
Dahil sa sobrang gutom, hindi mo mamalayang naubos mo na ang kuko mo sa iyong mga kamay… at paa… ng seatmate mo.
May swimming pool na ang AdDU! Yay! Maeexcite ka sa ideyang maraming abs ang pwede mong makita. Excited ka na sa plano mong tumambay sa may pool area or shower room every activity period, pero narealize mong katumbas ng six pack abs ng crush mo ang six percent increase sa tuition mo next year. Sakit noh? Landi pa more!
SAGITTARIUS
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
Walang mangyayari sa’yo sa araw na ito. P.S. Mag ingat ka sa classmate mong kumakain ng kuko.
Last day mo na sana sa OJT kaso na late ka dahil snooze ka nang snooze sa alarm mo. Di mo pa naman kayo close ng guard. Extended ka tuloy sa pag photocopy files at pag stapler ng gabundok na papel. Merese.
Kumain ka ng marami today! Manood ng movie. O di kaya’y magpa massage ka! Deserve mo yan. Joke! Alam mo sarili mo na di mo deserve ni isa dyan, kasi may thesis revision ka pang dapat tapusin and most of all, wala ka ng pera.
Wag sumali sa kahit anong fun run this year. Baka iwanan ka bigla ng “kaibigan” mo. Nalingat ka lang sandali, tumakbo na pala. Traydor, right? Maging maingat sa pagpili ng susunod na kakaibiganin. Hingian mo sila ng biodata, NBI clearance, don’t forget to check his/her work ethics and principles bago mo sila pagkatiwalaan.
/KUYANEWS/15
JANUARY 2018
an open letter & tbh message to to whom it may concern if you are really concerned about this concern, i am not sorry if i have disappointed you because you know why? i don't care. it's not worth my time.
DOWN 1 – Endangered AdDU animal 2 - __________ Coffee 3 – To cook food (such as chicken) with dry heat in an oven 5 – Former and Current SOMOHON President 7 – Longest word according to Oxford Dictionary 8 – Copper (periodic table) 10 – City in Russia 11 – Phase of sleep 15 –Taylor Swift nickname
ADVERTISeMENT
ACROSS 4 – To withdraw from action or danger 5 – Ateneo University President (Abbreviation) 6 – Skin care product 9 – Burning sensation 12 – Snake (Tagalog) 13 – Ateneo annual celebration during August 14 – PH’s top state university 16 – Davao Oriental capital 18 – Computer’s non-volatile memory 19 – Is this crossword puzzle a joke? (Yes or Yes) 20 – Should I have wasted my time trying to solve this? (No or No) Read the last two sentences of page 12
CONCERNED-VATIVE: Hiya Editor, this is me, just wanted to say that I’m concerned for the whiplash of your sister’s FUCKYOU pubmat. I suggest that you tell her to bring it down before it explodes like a volcano. I already made sumbong to two professors. I think the artistic vision of Atenews is not that artistic. Answer: First of all, use backlash instead of whiplash. Second of all, Come on girl, it’s 2018. Third of all, my sis won’t take down the photo because Addu Wifi ain’t that strong. Owkay
ERRATUM:
We are sorry for being perfect, still...
BY TITA JHEMERLYN GEORGE
JANUARY /KUYANEWS 2018
Things that may or may not have happened
K
uyanews is very shookt to have learned na may isang candidate na incompetent “daw” (wow *pretends to be shocked*). Direct descendant man daw ito sya ni Galema, lame shang bayhana ang peg, kaso very passive daw ni sya (how truuu?), hindi naga-attend sa mga meetings (how faaalse?). Oh no baka wala ng meetings pag mag-win sya, wala ng colorful attendance sheet na i-dsiclose for “transparency” at the end of the year ang SOMOHON.
S
ino itong kandidato na di umano’y napabalitang trumaydor daw nang kapartylist niya na gusto sana mag-run as representative also kaso hindi natuloy because wala pa kadagan, gi-black prop na ni sis. Pak avtik ang atong auntie. Basta makadagan lang jud, throw na tanan werk ethics and principles
basta #makeUsainBoltproud. #StudentServiceIsLyf #ButExtraCoIsLyferrr
bulsa man diay iyang tirada. Oh nooo, so uncool. #IDon’tWantARegularRep #IWantACoolRep
A
O
no itong chika na super aesthetics daw ilahang pub-mat to the point na lahat daw kanyang time kay devoted lang daw sa pub-mats. Baka nagaminor ni sya ng pub-mat engineering and design?? That’s so fetch! Plus points talaga sya kasi naman diba we need event organizers na very creative, unsaon na lang ang FB banner pag mag-fiesta na??? It can’t be plain blue, right? On Wednesdays, we wear pink kaya!
D
ude baaai, this fugly ghurl was rumoured to have incurred a lot of debts during her golden times as a year level representative. Nangulbo ang kaspa sa iyang committees because naka-make tapal sila nung mga utang (gosh), kasi hindi na-manage ng maayos yung funds. Shocks, ulbo kaspa, buslot
now showing
pen-minded ka ba??? Ooops.. I thought this was SOMOHON Elections, networking pala. This candidate is said to be approaching random people daw through messenger (pak millenial). Kahit hindi kapartylist ginaconvince niya daw sila mag-run. I have nothing agaisnt it naman talaga oy, maganda nga yun para daghan na tayong connections for our sponsors, u know we need to make ambagambag sa kapitalismo baya, basta just make sure na certified Arrnean lang talaga ang kanyang gina-message and hawd mag-organize og events & photoshoots or eeeelse #YouCan’tSitWithUs.