KUYANEWS (2021) by Atenews

KUYANEWS

FROM KUYA, WITH LOVE <3 | VALENTINES SPECIAL ISSUE | FEBRUARY 2020+1

GANDANGHARI X BATANGGILAS COLLAB SHOOK ARENEYOW, BEKING AKIN: JEALOUS??

This year’s Showmahan: Areneyans Got Talent Online Edishun becomes a messy, MESSY episode of selos and bardagulan between fans of Gandanghari x Batanggilas VS. Beking Akin. GO TO PAGE 3 10th year anniversary special

GO TO PAGE 9

ARENEYANS PINAASA NG ARENEYOW WET DREYM, STUDY SHOWS

With Miss Rona Pandemica stealing the show, was the Areneyow Wet Dreym still wet enough?

FLOP EL COCK REDTAGS ARENEYOW, TELETABS MUM ON ISSUE

Fr. TeleTabs is yet to comment on Flop El Cock’s red-tagging of The Areneyow.

INVITATION: PAKIGTABI ON ZOOM WITH SOMOHON CANDIDATES. WALA LANG MAKICHIKA LANG.

MAMA’S FAVORITE CHILD

Favoritism in the SOMOHON household over GACHAposh stirs sibling rivalry.

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

KUYANEWS STAFF Bee Song Kuya’s Baby Gurl Paula E. Yaught Kuya’s Side Hoe

BEKING AKIN ‘COALITION’ STIRS RAMBULAN AND PA-PUBMAT ON TWITTER

Maja Roth Kuya’s Basa’g Baba Bott Tom Kho Kuya’s Powet Lou Aubrey Kant Kuya’s Soft Gurl Penny Tration Kuya’s Soft Boi Mal Andy Kuya’s Broadcaster Davao Tripper Kuya’s Alter Gina Meet, Void Abunda, Jack Cole, Naga Wazan Kuya’s Ancient Scribes Thor Jack, Elmo Ranas Kuya’s Virgin Scribes Timothee Charmelet Kuya’s Ancient Pilosopo Mike Litoris, Lou Vutton Kuya’s Virgin Pilosopo Lucky Teetee, Pablo Jab, KC Contraception, Lee Min Hoe, Kath Sudon Kuya’s Vandalizers Bot Palu, Pina Biyaan, Choo Pha Kuya’s Fambam Liza Seguerra, Lalisa Andalio, Trixie Martyr, Anal Ease Keating, Duga Lipa, FKA Twink Kuya’s Paparazzi Dina Lily Go, Bea Bangenge, Nee Wang Kuya’s Picture Pipol Pina Asa, Pot Angina Kuya’s Fast Hands Miss Bombshell Kuya’s Sweetheart<3

Lucky Teetee

Timothee Charmelet

Rejected by Cumerect’s revered standards, Kawlangsapat pandered on its indie break-up playlist after Cumerect decided that cooling off for the meantime would be the best decision for Kawlangsapat to soul-search their pagkukulangs. “Para lang jud malaman ng all, it’s not them kasi it’s us. Ansaket lang because karami namin jud mga plans this year and ‘di namin magawa kasi we were told na hindi kami maka-join sa mga rambulan,” Kawlangsapat expressed. With this sudden breakup, its party people were pushed to run separately and independently. But because they were very clingy and wanted to support each other no matter what, Kawlangsapat’s members have decided to unanimously form a bootleg of its barkada under a new branding, Beking Akin. “Hindi talaga to for the char lang ha, but we prefer the term ‘coalition’ kasi. It’s not kay something fishy is happening behind kay independent man judt kami no matter what...ang nagkaiba lang is that na-realize namin na same lang man pala kami ng mga agenda gud, kaya diba? Why not support one another? Mga kafriendship naman namin ang all!” Beking Akin claimed.

In Beking Akin’s solicited efforts to convince Areneyans that they were not a plagiarized version of Kawlangsapat, some Areneyans have turned this year’s clownery into an episode of “Buzzfeed: Unsolved” with their attempt to understand the mystery behind Kawlangsapat’s broad statement of hiatus. “Di ko jud ako sure ha, but, murag tactics siya tingnan kay ano man rin ang, parang, like, reason na nag let-go sila kay Cumerect ‘tas mag parang regroup lang man pala sila, pero, iba lang ang label, diba? Rebranding lang?” Jhen Laging Handa, a Gandanghari member, speculated. “Like, if gigawa lang nila ito para mapagusapan, eh, props na lang sa PR team kay nagawork jud talaga siya!” she added. However, upon hearing these speculations, Patisay Malansa, Kawlangsapat’s mother dearest, was distraught by the surrounding conspiracy theories regarding Kawlangsapat’s sudden decision to go on vacation. Because of this, Malansa publicly shared a piece of her emotional sentiment, defending her broken-hearted child, Kawlangsapat. “Sa truth lang jud tayo ha pero kalain niyo gud magsabi-sabi na PR stunt ng Kawlangsapat yung cool-off with Cumerect na hindi man jud namin lahat yun gigusto! Maging sensitive rin gud kayo uiep! If you want to know kung ano jud ang totoo kay oo, ako na! Kasalanan ko na!” she admitted.

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS “Nakalimutan este nagkaroon lang ng miscommunication sa mga kailangan na mga bagay, tactics na agad?!” Malansa then questioned, proceeding to Twitter to butt heads with Laging Handa. This is a developing story.

UPDATE: Laging Handa cries foul over alleged spilled convo Laging Handa shook the Twitterverse after revealing that Malansa’s party peeps allegedly called her a “manipulative soft ghurl” based on some leaked convo. After a series of investigations and spamming Malansa for an explanation, Laging Handa released an official statement complete with pak na pak na pubmat to clear the air and drag those involved. “This is MY TRUTH. Bash me all you want, I don’t give a damn, basta I’m doing this for peace of mind,” she tweeted. The personal tea spilling stirred bored Areneyans online, hailing Laging Handa’s YAASS KWEEN behavior. “Drag their ass to hell, sister!” @Alterneut69 tweeted. Following the shocking revelation, Malansa and her party peeps were seen to hold an emergency meeting. They never commented on the issue afterwards and proceeded to retweet buang-buang and ‘relatable’ videos of their ka-friendships in Beking Akin. Kuyanews tried to contact Cumerect for clarification behind this ‘coalition’ fiasco and labanan ng pubmat, but their spokesperson said that they “would like to be excluded from this narrative.” Edi don’t.

FROM PAGE 1

GANDANGHARI X BATANGGILAS COLLAB SHOOK ARENEYOW, BEKING AKIN: JEALOUS?? Paula E. Yaught, Thor Jack

After talent scout Cumerect announced that there was ‘nothing wrong’ with NOT Kawlangsapat contender Beking Akin’s ‘coalition’, Gandanghari and Batanggilas allegedly were ‘in cahoots’ to win this year’s Showmahan: Areneyans Got Talent Online Edishun. Batanggilas’s bet Gross Tah Mood thanked Gandanghari’s Tuyok-Tuyok Lang on Twitter for being there for her since day one. “Love ko talaga ikaw bai @ Tuyok2Lungtch for being a real g since day 1. Kung nagsabi ka lang sana na mag-join ka sa Showmahan talents kay collab na sana tayo ba. Gotchu always, bestie,” Tah Mood tweeted. Lang replied, “@GTahMood Hala sis kabibo ba! Liwat ra nimo uy, erps biya kaayo tang duha #OTP. Good luck to us, noh! How true na baka pwede daw magcollab na lang accdg. to Cumerect? PM sis, sabotan nato ni nu.” Seeing this as a go signal, Gandanghari and Batanggilas stans went all-out to support their idols, even trending their official hushtag #LangTahMoodforShowmahan on Twitter. Fanarts of Lang and Tah Mood, together with other Gandanghari x Batanggilas besties, overwhelmed and angered the Beking Akin stans. Avid Beking Akin stan Jeep Pinirito cried foul,

citing that unlike the well received reception from Lang and Tah Mood’s collab, his idols’ ‘coalition’ was met with bashers and trolls online, some even raising technical violations to the talent scouts. “Unfair jud kaayo ba. Kay ‘yung nag-announce aking idols na mag ‘coalition’ lagi daw sila kay galit masyado ang mga tao. Naa pa gani nag-complain sa Cumerect. Tas dito na klaro masyado na ga-support and collab sina Gross and TuyokTuyok to each other kay happy pa silang lahat, keme lang bhie,” Pinirito told Kuyanews. Meanwhile, Gandanghari x Batanggilas supporter Mhel Lagro defended rising stars Lang and Tah Mood, arguing that Showmahan needs a fresher face and never-before-seen personalities in this year’s show. “Anohin man gud namin ‘yang Beking Akin uy? Sila nalang palagi. Gusto niyo di nalang tayo mag Areneyans Got Talent? ‘Kawlangsapat Season 86: Unlimited’ nalang. Ulit-ulit murag boomerang,” Lagro responded. These non-stop opposing arguments filled the entire Areneyow population, leading to an online bardagulan which never misses a day. Just when you thought you’ve seen it all, these daily fanwars remind you that you still haven’t. While the renowned #LangTahMood tandem appeared new to Areneyans, nothing is newer than new compared to Beking Akin’s debut song starred by their very own visual, Rholling in Da Deep. Beking Akin fans club president Sy Dy Ow squealed with excitement,

mentioning that Da Deep is his bias in the group. With the overflowing support from their die-hard fans, every member might just release their solo tracks soon. “Bahala gud kayo sa life niyo uy. Basta ako, busy ako stream ng song ni Rholling babe. Maka-swoon masyado ang acoustic chill vibes ba, LSS na kaayo ko. Sa 4,448 views ng music video, ako yung 4,447 na ambag. Mamaya gawaan ko na ito ng TikTok dance challenge tapos fanchant na next!” Ow exclaimed. Upon hearing about Da Deep’s new MV, Lang’s fans urged him to release a single, too. Juxtaposed with Da Deep’s swoon-y vibes, Lang’s song was edgy, bold, and set so many chica babe’s panties on fire. “Ka-HAWT talaga ni Tuyok-Squared oppa sa new MV! Grabe ka-gahot sa pag-produce and ang iyang falsetto? Girl I am LIVIIIIING!” die-hard Gandanghari x Batanggilas supporter Chinita Cutie gushed. As the final round for Showmahan: Areneyans Got Talent Online Edishun draws near, contentions surrounding the ambiguous meaning of ‘coalition’ and ‘collaboration’ continue to become a hot topic that triggers Beking Akin vs. Gandanghari x Batanggilas fan wars. In the end, there is only one who could settle this never-ending fan wars between Areneyans. Maybe they are indifferent, or maybe they just don’t care? Maybe they turned in their LangLeav of Absence somewhere? Who knows. All I know is, Cumerect, ikaw na talaga ang dakilang ghoster.

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

KC Contraception

ARENEYANS PINAASA NG ARENEYOW WET DREYM, STUDY SHOWS Bee Song, Lou Vutton, Jack Cole

Ah yes, the Areneyow Wet Dreym. A dream that SOMOHON (or more accurately, Kawlangsapat) felt was wet enough for this acad year. But while science shows that seamen could act as a potential flame retardant, it wasn’t wet enough to keep it from getting fried by the fires of Miss Rona Pandemica.

Like a softboi attempting to manipulate his unsuspecting marupok victim, the Areneyow Wet Dreym promised a lot of things, which included alternative classes, leadership programs, and some crispy intra-course events. But with Miss Rona Pandemica stealing the show, was the Wet Dreym still wet enough for the Areneyans? Recent chikkas from the Shet Wang Shet (SWS) Areneyow Chapter survey revealed shocking revelations that we definitely saw coming.

Major major findings Although SWS Areneyow Chapter Director Kah Poy Compeut did not want to share the ranking from most to least paasa (for fear of creating an illusion that one clown is better than the other), he eventually caved in believing that thousands of students’ lives are at stake in terms of whoever wins the SOMOHON erections. “Okay, ganito kasi yun. Based on our study, si Low Karb Turon ang lumabas na pinakapaasa. Nag specify-specify pa kasi siya ng maraming concrete wet dreams uy

kaya yan tuloy madali natin siya nahanapan ng butas. Heartbreaker talaga siya bai,” cried Compeut. Charmed by his tisoy looks and calm demeanor, Turon lured Pasosyal Science students to wet dream with him during erections, but reportedly failed to fulfill his more relevant promises, eventorganizing aside. Lee Pong Sareedings, a sophomore Pasosyal Science student confirmed this. “True. Wala man kami masyadong paki sa mga events oy kay atik-atik

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

“Ay hindi talaga. Kasi for example, kahit na nagsabi si Fake Lacoste na maging braver daw ang SOMOHON niya ngayon… tuta man pa rin sila ‘til now.” lang man ‘yan kunyare bright or ‘di apathetic pero ACTUALLY gusto ko talagang singilin si [Turon] kung saan na ‘yung gisabi niya na free one-on-one tutorial sessions with crush, sugar daddy support for our researches, and free access to all mahiwagang journals? Kapagod biya mag gamit ng Shy Hubb tsaka Leakgen HA!” Sareedings ranted. Closely behind Turon is the bida-bida rep Rholling in Da Deep. Da Deep’s satisfaction rating was reportedly low in his cluster because of the lack of bibo ganaps, but managed to rise because he hyped the cluster to trend #AdDUStroke. “Um love-hate relationship talaga kami ni Rholling. I mean, gets ko man na kawawa talaga kami sa cluster kasi wala kaming pahinga since summer pa jud kaya agit kami masyado sa Twitter. Bored ako kay walang ganap this year kaya mej na-disappoint ako sa kanya, kahit breather lang gud sana from acads. Pero at the same time, amigo man gud mi tas maduolan siya as a person kaya okay lang siya for me, so nalibog na sad ko? ‘Yang nalito ba,” Sah Bog Na admitted. Freshie Onsa Mane shared the same sentiment, wishing that their cluster had more bibo ganaps to take their minds off acads. “Pag-pasok ko sa Areneyow kay nag-expect gud ako na maraming

ganaps kay gi-friend ako ni Kya Rholling kahit freshie pa ko. Excited masyado ako ba kay nabasa ko mga wet dreams niya tas bongga pa jud ‘yung pa-branding sa start. Ending kay wa man diay lami, may pa ang ubang cluster kay bibo keeyow. Amoa kay bisan eut-sports kay wa sad!” Onsa Mane ranted. He was pertaining to the eut-sports competition organized by Aha Na Laysho, who thought of putting at least some wet dreams into action. Revived by Junjun Mahusay last year, the Walang Kwenta See, their official cluster pub, apparently was not resuscitated in Da Deep’s term. “‘Yung pub namin kay wala talagang ganap. Gibiyaan

lang din kami so wala kaming releases, fail pa jud mga pakulo. Gilangaw na among FB, na-suspend na lang among Twitter. ‘Wa juy support, friend!” an anonymous Walang Kwenta See staff revealed to Kuyanews.

niya ngayon… tuta man pa rin sila ‘til now,” she said. She also mentioned Mapagsamanthala’s not-so-updated online calendar and non-existent SOMOHON credit card, as well as Ronaway Bride’s botched budgeting skills.

Not-So-Much rep Gilami Sa Tos resigned from her position after none of her wet dreams took flight.

“Alam mo, kung na maximize lang talaga ni Ronaway Bride ang budget, edi sana naka Zoomtch Pro na lahat ng student orgs sa Areneyow ngayon,” Ana Lice lamented.

“Luoy jud mi. Asa naman tong lupad-lupad niya nga programa na i-endorse daw tanan careers? Ha unsaon? It doesn’t feel like home diri, mami,” Chem Nerd, a fourth (fifth na ata?) year student said. The Holy Trinity The Holy Trinity (Fake Lacoste, Mapagsamanthala, and Ronaway Bride), exhausted by Miss Rona Pandemica’s hot mess, were at least able to fulfill some of their wet dreams by relying on other people to do it for them. Ana Lice, head data analyst of SWS Areneyow Chapter, shook her head when Kuyanews asked if she could consider this “bare minimum.”

“Bakit, di ba pwedeng ipa-Food Panda na lang ni Mapagsamanthala ang rewards ng SOMOHON credit card? Hay nako, lack of imagination talaga!” Pat Tie Gu Tom, a second year Computer Nerd said. Using Mashigh’s Theory of Needs, Ana Lice diagnosed the outgoing SOMOHON besties as extremely shat-deprived resulting in a decline in motivation and creativity.

The next SOMOHON besties must consume at least one shat of tuba (or Soju if allergic) to keep their energy levels high and wet dreams “Ay hindi talaga. Kasi for stimulated, Ana Lice example, kahit na nagsabi suggested. They were also si Fake Lacoste na maging advised to minimize their braver daw ang SOMOHON Twitter screentimes.

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

FLOP EL COCK REDTAGS ARENEYOW, TELETABS MUM ON ISSUE

an Areneyan and I only bleed blue,” Macky told Kuyanews. Consistent dense lister student Terro Rusty, a member of the orgie Richspoiled Keds Society, expressed his anger on people who were enraged with Areneyow’s inclusion in the very scientific list from Flop El Cock. “Tbh, I really don’t give a shit sa mga happenings. Busy ako masyado sa acads and sa finances at home so dagdag problem lang ‘yan. Isa pa, ba’t maraming angry about sa pag-redtag eh kung hindi naman true, bakit sila threatened? NPA lang ang afraid sa action ng gobyerno!” said Terro, while playing Mobile Legends during a live interview with Kuyanews, turning his camera off for privacy purposes.

Choo Pa Naga Wazan

While proudly boasting how Areneyow was first to be onlineready among other HEIs, Uni presi Fr. TeleTabs is yet to speak up about the issue of his beloved university being one of the alleged recruitment hells for NPAs (No Permanent Address). Its fellow G-Suite, Areneyow de Nega, as well as the UP Dick, already had their admin heads denounce the accusation. The country’s best and brightest Flop El Cock spilled the very reliable, data-backed 30 plus list of universities, dragging the unsuspecting

Areneyow, which was busy prepping for the circus show that is the SOMOHON erections. Meanwhile in the Twitterverse, Areneyan orgies rushed to release their statements before the others. The evervocal newbies Batanggilas ranked first, followed by the SOMOHON (shocking!). Artenoise emerged as bronze medalist while Gandanghari was just a little bit closer than far for the podium finish. Kawlangsapat, meanwhile, was nowhere to be found. Self-proclaimed social media activist and freshie Macky Backa called out Fr. TeleTabs in their Twitter account @macky_ becky69, urging him to speak up against the allegation.

“Sure na jud ka Flop El Cock na i-red tagtch nimo ang Areneyow? Haler Fr. TeleTabs pakigalaw ng baso #NasaanAngPangulo,” Macky tweeted. “Huy shocking gud talaga ‘yan na issue ay. Bakit man kami gi-redtag as recruiters of NPAs uy na ginamold man kami to become Soy Generic leaders, and besides, I am

Kuyanews tried to contact Fuckoulty member Chens Scam Ming, leader of the Ka-Dee-Dee-Es Union Areneyow Chapter, to share his thoughts regarding said allegation. Chens’ secretary said that he was busy soulsearching in Malibu and healing from cognitive dissonance. He didn’t want to be bothered and has no comment. As of writing, Areneyans have already moved on to the next juicy issue and are looking for new ganaps and bardagulan online.

“Sure na jud ka Flop El Cock na i-red tagtch nimo ang Areneyow? Haler Fr. TeleTabs pakigalaw ng baso #NasaanAngPangulo.”

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

Pablo Jab

G A CH A PO SH

MAMA’S FAVORITE CHILD Mike Litoris

“Are you saying that I’m unfair?” “No, Ma. I’m saying you have your favorites.” The Areneyow household turned into a chaotic mess after issues of favoritism began to surface. Apparently, SOMOHON, mother of Areneyans, has only been pouring all her love and affection into her kalokalike babies from her first husband, Kawlangsapat. She even had their entire house painted with yellow and blue, Kawlangsapat’s favorite colors, to show her fondness of the said kiddos. Her children with Gandanghari and Batanggilas have been keeping these feelings of resentment towards mama for years. But, what finally pushed the “unloved” children’s buttons was their mother’s lavish pamana to Kawlangsapat— General Assembly for the Char Na Poshishuns (GACHAposh), one of mama’s crowned jewels.

“Ang hirap lang kasi gud i-process na katagal na gud namin gusto ‘yon tapos mama still chose to give GACHAposh to them just because ka-face sila. Ang iba gane diyan meron pa milk sa lips and ‘di pa knows paano i-use ang big lupa ni mama. Parang ka-weird man gud, anak niya gud din kami,” an older Areneyan from Gandanghari expressed. Despite the turmoil in the house, Kawlangsapat babies proceeded with business as usual, unbothered by the complaints of their siblings. They even started building structures in GACHAposh which they claimed would be used to entertain their siblings from different fathers whom they haven’t even spoken to in years. “Bakit kami ma-bother na deserve man talaga namin ang GACHAposh kay kaobedient talaga namin kang mama. Kung bet man pala nila mga gamit ni mama dapat hindi sila nag-talk back kang mama. Isa pa, feel namin capable man jud kami mag-develop sa GACHAposh. Ma-enjoy jud nila (siblings) ang Grasshoots theme park na gina-build namin,” a Kawlangsapat baby said. SOMOHON, on the other hand, remained firm that she treated her children

with equal love and care, unaware of her gradually slipping blue and yellow undies. “Ka-dangerous gud ng ginagawa nila kay hasty masyado ang conclusion. Katagal na nila with her so knows na dapat nila na wala gud talaga favorite si mama SOMOHON kay ginahelp ko gud siya i-match ‘yung mga gina-bigay niya sa needs ng mga sibs ko,” Fake Lacoste, SOMOHON’s eldest child from the Kawlangsapat clan, said. However, this remark only further angered the already mad Areneyans. In fact, Tuyok-Tuyok Lang, one of the few favored children from SOMOHON’s past relationship with Gandanghari, rallied with his neglected siblings to speak up against mama’s favoritism. “Dapat i-stop na talaga ang favoritism ni mama kay kadami gud na super willing mag-tulong develop sa lands niya pero ‘di lang jud mabigyan ng chance na magpabibo,” Lang expressed. In response to Lang’s statement, Lacoste did not miss the chance to point out the privileges and the memories enjoyed by Lang with their ‘fair’ mother who rewarded good deeds

accordingly. “Remember ‘nung gisabi ni Ronaway Bride na isama ka gud sa lakad, abtik gud masyado nagpayag si mama kay nagclean ka man daw sa house not because favorite ka na half-brother ni Ronaway Bride. Magreflect ka gud sa actions mo, nahurt na si mama,” he said. SOMOHON’s babies from her new boyfie Batanggilas felt the most neglected, having given a measly 0.01 share in the GACHAposh fairylandia. “It’s time that we be more inclusive sa GACHAposh, ma. I thought you loved us all equally? Just because bago lang kami doesn’t mean na ‘di namin deserve magka-share,” eldest Batanggilas child Gross Tah Mod chided, promising that she will make sure her clan will have more shares next year. Meanwhile, Kawlangsapat babies, unaware of the deep-rooted history of hate because it’s literally their first time in the Areneyow household, tried to reconcile their fighting elder sibs, to no avail. The elders wanted blood and will fight until they get their rightful shares in the GACHAposh land (and become mama’s favorite).

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS dedication was ever a wrong thing, especially if it’s condensely scheduled as campaign teasers on social media during election szn. SOMOHON Motherenator said the plummeted ratings in the previous seasons were because the cast weren’t invested enough in their roles. Facing unemployment, Fake Lacoste, along with his current season castmate Mapagsamanthala upped their sweet-talking efforts to give Low Karb Turon the lead. We wonder if their one-day hiatus would pay off.

Davao Tripper

ACADEMY EYES CAST OF SOMOHON 2021 CANDIDATES FOR NEW SEASON Gina Meet, Lou Aubrey Kant

The anticipation is over! The Politician’s third installment is officially streaming online for the entire Areneyow community, a bingeready series of loooong Twitter threads. This time, replacing the entire cast with the locals you know and love. The plot: divulging the mysteries of the highest form of glory, running for a SOMOHON seat, tempting each of the characters to do whatever it takes-even the verboten-to get that shiny addition on their college track record. Imagine your classic Payton Hobart levelheaded narration,

meeting Infinity Jackson’s emotions, both of them surrounded with Godcomplexed friends, and fanatics who feel the entitlement to drag one another down- typical campus politics, no biggie (iykyk *wink*). However, expect the unexpected, ‘cause this season, the stakes are at their all-time high as questionable political parties and shocking not-so-independent individuals who were “stripped out of their party membership”, twist their lives into a web of messy alliances, dodging loopholes made under the Cumerect table, spawning cyber conspiracies, and profiting off students’ struggles for testimonies as “charity” to boost their chances of winning over the hearts, minds, souls, and, most importantly, the Areneyan vote. Lead roles are given to: future award-

winning nominee Low Karb Turon from a NOT Kawlangsapat coalition, a fan-proclaimed calm and collected forum host who’s being zooted in answering life-and-death controversies gained praise from fans and has guest starred multiple times in Areneyow’s tutorial videos on navigating the Areneyow Dark Web, even before the official campaigning began! All credited to Turon’s team for working harder than the devil for this publicity leverage, right? Acting rival and this generation’s best actor, Gross Tah Mood, standard-bearer of the underdog Batanggilas, the ever mullish diva whose acting methods on set do too much; but this isn’t really what the silent director, Fr. TeleTabs is looking to fill the leading lady role. As if advocating for pressing issues with emotional

Following the original actors’ tyrannical footsteps, the new cast have their sights set on that same academy award. Dreaming of accolades on their belts, the actors are ready to take on much mature roles in the future but of course, with the same old acting style, just on a bigger scale. Hopefully, this year’s starstudded cast will fulfil their lifelong dream-- to get that academy aw-- to sincerely take care and serve the Areneyans for the coming academic year. Or so they claim.

FOR SALE: GLOBOBO HOME PREPAID WIFI RFS: MERON NA MAN GUD KAMI AND NEED KO MONEY FOR PRIMOGEMS

10th anniversary special

(so... with egg)

Penny Tration, Bot Palu

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

10th anniversary special

(so... with egg)

February 2020+1

KUYANEWS Sinetch it e y girlalo noy a m na gust m u i d a a m n a sa clu e t a ong ma id d n a c s t e ging n r ig a p p Who is this e b m a r e c o g f n la o o g u g nd durin ing now e ng ba ts, la a m here to g b u m p nag innovat g e in e g d n t in e in s g f g o s b d usy sa ng SEC instea t o e t g kasi h o e t strategy na f r la a a o ir p , r r g k ie s s u a . e y B a ’s ut just ’s ninan na it s y to be a g w a s she figured e a iv r id g e surrect g n in a k a t m h y iz b n gurl go efore som ed and becam b s t y ppl’s attentio e k r e w s e n e a a w d c n h a t ive aga ere in t s g A in h m ng reviewer e e D m e s W e id p “ m!! But dle of s n io t s e u q econd is that nt A+ sz a t asking the s in w n h a e ’s t n n was the bar ” and tha fast ap dagulan cAmpAIgN? proach ing?? un!! or innovash

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Sinetch ite y SOMOHON na incumbentch sa #1 patola?? na best in Twitter a nd L you’re ma ike, calm down, siss kin y, everyone. g things worse for

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unb use t ’t n o d y e h t why questioned ns and io is v o r p g in pos teeth im im ka na ha, a y s n e s a P “ suez, addressing is to say. d a h y e h t ll as a god bless,” w

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

HORRORSCOPE by PAULA E YOUTH and BEE SONG

layout by choo pha

Mabuti na lang at hindi kayo naging kampante, Tigers. Congrats for the twopeat Fiesta win! Kaya three-peat? Para ma-achieve ang back to back to back win, damihan ang pag-post ng song covers at gumawa ng exclusive playlist featuring the bagong new Fearless songs by mareng Taylor Swift. Since apaka-talented niyong mag-drawing, utang na loob, gandahan ang design ng shirt niyo kasi nalamangan na kayo ng Dragons #justsaying. Puslan inyong mga arki nga nisalom na sa plates. Finally, for clear skin despite all-nighters, iwasan ang pagiging pa-fall especially sa schoolmate niyo na di niyo pa name-meet irl. I know… mahirap siyang gawin.

Wolves, you attempted to copy Artenoise’s tabloid this year, please don’t. And wala pa kayong release, because...? Anyways, it’s good na you chose to let go of the past rep and moved on to a new one with no hard feelings. Wala ba jud? Aw. Make sure lang to keep an eye on your social media handlers upang mapanatiling malinis at unbiased ang Twitter feed. At para hindi ma-extend ng one year ang mga graduating students, pahiramin ang nasayang na OJT uniforms to your besties in Accountancy.

To everyone’s surprise, naging first runner up kayo sa Fiesta. Congrats! Magaling talaga kayo sa mga pa-online ganaps and hygienic practices. Since year of the health workers ngayon, uulan ng swerte sa cluster niyo… pero minus points dahil wala kayong rep this year. Lubus-lubusan ang efforts for vaccine awareness para hindi bumaliktad ang swerte.

Okay pa ba kayo, Griffins? Mukhang ‘di kayo nakabangon sa losing streak niyo since 2019. Upang maging maswerte this year, mag-deactivate sa Twitter at iwas-iwasan ang pag-rant. Charot! Rant along, Griffins, thanks for leading #AdDUStroke since nakuratan mo na i-move to December tanan ninyong exams. Malas pa rin kayo sa love life niyo this year kasi andami niyong agit energy, wala kayong tulog, at puro nalang kayo aral. Para magka-jowa, gawin itong bio sa lahat ng social media accounts: “Revenue is Vanity, Profit is Sanity, and Cash is King 👑👑👑👑👑👑👑👑”

Sa lahat ng clusters this year, kayo ang pinaka magth-thrive, Chamelons. This is all thanks to your kasanayan sa pagharap ng computer all year long. Upang swertehin this 2021, sumali sa mga e-sports competition at mag-ipon ng pera para may pang Mineski if ever matuloy ang blended learning next SY. And please, if may time, mag develop naman kayo ng something better than Daigler20.

Dragons! Mukhang napaka exciting ng year niyo so far--aside sa pagiging 2nd runner up sa Fiesta after N years, ang dami ding bida bida Dragons na nag-babardagulan on Twitter. Nakakaloka! Anyways, kahit divided kayo this elections because of the gahot presidentiables from your cluster, siguraduhing ‘di divided ang attention kapag nagbabasa ng readings OR ELSE! Kapag natawag sa recit pero di nakapagbasa… no worries, mahina ang internet sa Pinas.

2021 is not your year, Sharks. Actually, kasali din ang next years habang di pa tayo makabalik sa campus. Chos! Upang malampasan ang existential crisis na ito, siguraduhing ma-vaccinate alongside the Panthers para ma-try nyo din magturo sa isang actual classroom. Lack of funds? No problem! 20% off daw for every TikTok entry habang nagbibigay ng lesson!

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

Parang sinwerte kayo to have a very gahot rep the past year, Vipers. Good for you! Wag maging kampante, tho, dahil malas sa cluster ang mga missing-in-action bitins na nagpapakita lang tuwing malapit na ang election season. Para labanan ang sumpa, i-motivate ang mga negosyanteng Vipers na magbenta online ng noo’y chicken siracha poppers sa Rodriguez Hall (free shipping!). And remember, di kasalan ang pag skip ng classes especially if the prof is ka-DDStch.

Mahirap maiwanan ng rep, Falcons. But no worries, at least may mag s-step up to lead your cluster this year. Ang tanong--magtatagal ba siya? Since marunong naman kayong gumawa ng alcohol, pag-mobilize ug shat session sa mga shat-deprived NSM students since March 2020. Charot!! No to gatherings muna, please. Para ma-avail ang lab fees na binayad niyo… wait, ‘di niyo na talaga ma-avail. Make your own lab na lang sa bahay.

Can’t say I told you so but I told you so. Para kang marupokpok na bumabalik-balik parin sa toxic ex niya. When do we learn, GACHAposh? Mahilig pa rin kayo sa monopoly until now? Upang mas maging inclusive next acad year, huwag mag-appoint ng freshies in high positions and the same pol par. Ugaliin ring umiwas sa pag-spam ng mga pacampaign jingle ng bet niyo for elections. Honestly, nobody cares.

Dami niyong achievements last year! New consti… ‘yun lang ata. Kaway-kaway sa funds niyo last acad year na hanggang ngayon ay nawawala pa rin pero sadyang kinalimutan na lang ng lahat #ForgiveandForget #GoodVibesOnly. To assert relevance sa student body this year, kunin ang share ni SOMOHON sa Student Academic Fee, ayusin at ipasa agad ang liquidation reports, at magpa-Food Panda sa lahat ng Si-Si-Oh org presies. That is if makukuha niyo ang budget niyo on time.

Forgot to put you sa forecast last year kasi paulit-ulit nalang tayo since 2019. Yearbook, where? Character development, when? Para makatipid sa budget, instruct Batch 2021 to set up their own photoshoot sa kani-kanilang bahay. Push niyo na magpa-ship ng yearbooks worldwide para suswertehin this year. Kung ‘di talaga kaya, email niyo nalang ang PDF file, sila-sila na mag-print.

Finally, after 38 years, na ratify niyo na din ang inyong new consti! At dahil diyan, suswertihin ang next SOMOHON officers as long as uugaliin nilang kumalma muna bago pumatol on anyone sa Twitter. Better yet, wag nalang talaga maging patola. Para ma-quadruple ang inyong swerte, siguraduhing wag i-limit ang sarili sa mga paforum with bonggang speakers kundi makibaka din sa laban ng masa. Wag matakot magsalita laban sa admin--kung mag friendship over man kayo, promise, it’s their loss, not yours! Next time, kung magpapa-survey, siguraduhing mag-review muna sa statistics upang ‘di mapahiya kay Vajeena Babes.

Ang ganda ng pasabog sa inyo this academic year, Artenoise. Bashers and trolls on FB and Twitter? Check! Walang budget? Check! Walang print release so tiis-tiis nalang online? Check na check!!! #Exposedt na si me daw irl??? LUH ASA KA!!! Para mas maging relevant and sikat like me, itanggal ang lahat ng mga pafall na orgmates. Bilis-bilisan ang pag-publish ng articles and live tweets. Sa susunod na Editorial Board, ugaliin na magpakain every meeting for good vibes. Kung malabong magkaroon ng budget next acad year, sabihan niyo si SOMOHON na share nalang kayo funds #besties.

February 2020+1 KUYANEWS

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