It shouldn’t be 50/50 By Anna Osborn, LMFT, Relationship Therapist and Coach
Relationships aren’t 50/50…at least, they shouldn’t be.
The most thriving relationships are never 50/50. Hear me out for a second. You see, the problem with a 50/50 relationship is that the focus is on pulling half the weight and working towards a ‘meeting in the middle’. And as good as that may seem in theory, the reality is it falls really, really short in application. You see when your relationship is 50/50, it can lead to score keeping and making the worst sort of comparisons possible. It keeps you on the lookout to be sure that each person has done their share and that at the end of the day…the till is even. As much as you can try to avoid this mindset, when you’re working towards 50/50 in a relationship, it can end up being inevitable. 40. ardentforlife.net - Spring 2022
Unintentionally, you start making sure that every action is met with an equal effort reaction. You start comparing and contrasting the load you carry with the load you see your partner carrying. And don’t even get me started on how inaccurate we ALWAYS are when it comes to this comparison. When you’re striving for 50/50 or a shared load, you don’t even notice that you’re looking for your partner to show up and contribute in the same ways you’re seeing yourself contribute. Unknowingly, you become ultra-aware of the input (and output) you’re putting in and start looking for the same input from your mate.
And it’s not even done with malice. You’re striving towards an idea that we’ve all been sold on, that relationships should be 50/50 and it's leaving the two of you coming up completely short. Which is exactly why a 100/100 relationship is so much better.
The beauty of a 100/100 relationship is that it allows you both to contribute 100% of your strengths, your skills and your expertise to the relationship. It moves you away from cataloging differences as deficits and helps you celebrate them as assets. Take my husband and I for example. There are soooo many strengths I have that he doesn’t. And you know what…there’s undeniably an equal number of strengths he has that I’m not anywhere close to. And the more that I get stuck in thinking that he needs to contribute in the exact same ways as I do…the more we remain on opposite sides of a solution. By fully leaning into a 100/100 relationship you get to use both of your skill sets to help you work your way through whatever it is life is handing you. 100/100 also helps eliminate score keeping. Any nonsense around “because I did it today, you have to do it tomorrow” does not serve your relationship. My work day ends earlier than my husband’s so I do the majority of all the kids