Aqua Marianas Episode 2: Technobalderdash BEGIN EPISODE 2: FADE IN: JOANNA The others are nice, I guess. I’ve never been one for friends- I was always the weird one, the odd one out, the person who liked fish just a little too much. (They laugh a slightly sad laugh.) People used to joke that I was secretly the Creature from the Black Lagoon. It… maybe shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. (They sigh.) Never mind that. Like I was saying, the others are mostly nice. But… I wish they’d take me seriously. [THEME SONG FADES IN, PLAYS, FADES OUT. IS REPLACED BY A STRANGE CRACKLING/GURGLING NOISE THAT QUICKLY FADES.] JOANNA Aqua Marianas, Episode 2. JOANNA (excited) Experimental log of Joanna Fenistil, day 7 of the Benthos Outpost mission, 1300 hours. I am finally getting started on these specimen tests. The first few days have been hectic, so thus far time has been too scarce to experiment, but I don’t think the material has dried out yet. It’s been kept in a saline solution specifically to prevent that outcome. I’m not sure, currently, what the specimens are. Definitely biological material, possibly mixed with sediment or chemicals from the nearby vent. Hopefully after running a few tests- tolerance of temperature and acidity, separation of that biological material from other sediment, possible subsequent PCR and gel
electrophoresis, and biostatistical analysis afterwards- I can determine the composition. [BEAT. JOANNA takes a deep breath.] Technically, in scientific reports and papers and reviews and such, personal language should not be used. The passive voice is also a big yes. So is formal language. But these logs are for me and me only, for reference later, and I haven’t even gotten started on these beautiful babies yet. [Thunk and sloshing noise as they pat a container full of liquid.] So, specific science talk unnecessary, though… well, very fun. Basically, I’m gonna run these pretty specimens through interesting tests and see who’s making an appearance. [Happy sigh from them.] God, I love science. (Brief pause.) I should get a snack before I get started. [Click of the recorder turning off. Brief silence, possibly music playing to indicate a pause. Then the scene changes.] OPEN NEW SCENE: COMMAND ROOM [The sound of a door opening.] JOANNA (tentatively) Captain? MAHIMA (sounding… actually… somewhat content? Genuinely, actually content?)
Yes, Dr. Fenistil? Is there something I can do for you? JOANNA (sounding a little disturbed and somewhat annoyed) Uh… well… I was wondering if you had seen my portable recorder? I saw it, probably just around 10 minutes ago. (They exhale sharply). I was using it, actually. I left it on the kitchen table, and now I can’t find it. Did you- or anyone- take it? For any reason? Because I finally wanted to get started on my experiments, and it would be exponentially easier if I could record my actions. MAHIMA (less content.) Dr. Fenistil, today was the first time on this mission so far that things have actually been going fairly well. Everyone’s been doing their work, Lillian made food and it was edible, and I had hoped that we could get through today with no disruptions and with everyone getting along. And now your recorder has been stolen. (She sighs loudly.) Is there any possibility that you just lost it? JOANNA No! I left it on the kitchen table. (They’re pissed now.) You know? The kitchen table? That big expanse of blank wood and nothing else that it is impossible to lose something on? Especially when said thing was sitting directly in the middle of it? MAHIMA (warning tone) Careful, Dr. Fenistil. You’re speaking to your captain. JOANNA
(takes a deep breath, lets it out. When they speak their voice is just a tad sarcastic.) Right, okay. Apologies, Captain Kumar, sir. I just- can you understand my frustration here? I’ve been trying to perform these experiments for days and someone just stole my recorder, which makes that effectively impossible. It’s frustrating and a violation of privacy and just(They make an annoyed noise, then pause, breathing. When they speak their voice is more modulated.) I want to find my voice recorder, and I want to perform tests on my specimens. I was wondering if you knew where it was. MAHIMA No, I don’t. [JOANNA gives a long, drawn-out groan.] JOANNA Great. Just greatMAHIMA But I might know someone who does. OPEN NEW SCENE: COMMUNICATIONS ROOM [ANDREW is typing at his computer. There is the click we recognize by now of a recorder, and he starts talking to himself.] ANDREW Personal log of Andrew Immanuel Federman. It’s day 7 of the Benthos Outpost mission, and I’m in hell. I’m stuck down here with two scientists who think they’re soooo much smarter than I am but wouldn’t survive a second in the real world, one captain with a stick rammed up her ass, and an engineer-slash-mechanic who is perpetually
covered in grease and makes every room she’s in smell like an engine. (He snorts unpleasantly.) At least she makes a good breakfast. (He continues.) I’m supposed to put a rosy tint on this shit, right? Sell this goddamn story. But there’s nothing story-worthy here, unless I want to wax poetic about total darkness and that terrifying fish I saw yesterday out the porthole. (He shudders.) It had so many teeth… God, I regret signing up for this. Okay. Gotta write this thing anyways, I guess. Uh… [Fingers tapping and ANDREW using that voice you use while reading aloud what you’re typing, you know the one.] “Living 20,000 leagues under the sea is an experience-” No, okay… “is an opportunity I never thought I’d have, but…” Ugh, fuck this. I need coffee. [He stands up.] I just hope I don’t bump into any of my idiot coworkers[The door opens. JOANNA’s sickly-sweet voice floats in. They’re pissed.] JOANNA (Sarcasm and honey) Sorry to interrupt whatever you were saying about us idiot coworkers, Mr. Federman, but have you seen my voice recorder? ANDREW (At a loss for words, hesitating. He recovers fast.) Why would I want to take your recorder? I have mine right here. [He waves it at them.]
JOANNA Are you sure about that? Think carefully before you answer. ANDREW Yes, I’m sure. Now get out of my face. JOANNA Not until you tell me why that recorder that is supposedly yours has my name on it. [Long BEAT. The jig is up.] ANDREW (Trying to save face) I just saw it lying on the kitchen table, it’s not like you were using it[JOANNA stomps over and grabs it.] JOANNA Don’t touch my things. ANDREW (vocal equivalent of an eye-roll) Fine. [JOANNA huffs angrily. Then they storm out, slamming the door.] OPEN NEW (OLD) SCENE: Joanna’s lab JOANNA (grumbling as they shut the door) No concept of important work, self-centered jackass, hope Captain Kumar puts him on KP for a month(They take a deep breath) Alright. Well. I should actually get started now. [Click of recorder turning on.]
It is now… uh… 1348 hours. Aka, I spent 45 minutes searching for this recorder so I could actually start. Dammit. (They take a big, deep breath and start enunciating very clearly.) Right. First test. Temperature. Starting now at 1349 hours, 15 seconds. [Snapping sound as JOANNA pulls on rubber gloves.] I am removing specimen A from the saline bath. [Gurgling noise, then a sort of sucking sound.] Specimen is… oblong, uh. Kinda squishy? I have no way to channel the usual technobalderdash academia usually calls for into talking about this. It looks kind of like decayed organic material, like… um. If I had to guess, it would be parts of several different organisms glued together by some kind of secretion. (To specimen, in the baby talk people use with pets.) Not much to look at, are you? But I think you’re pretty. Yes, I do. (Back to recording. They clear their throat.) Anyways, so just by being in the station this thing is in totally different circumstances than it would have been out, so it’s likely that we’re not gonna get tons of relevant results from behavior under different conditions. But just in case I’m going to take a sliver off of this, heat it up, and see what it does. [SOUND OF A BUNSEN BURNER TURNING ON, WHATEVER THAT SOUNDS LIKE. PROBABLY A WHOOSH OF GAS, THEN A FIRE CRACKLING NOISE.] JOANNA Temperature currently measured in the heating disk above the burner as… 53 degrees C. Okay,
that’s not very hot, all things considered, but it’s increasing rapidly. Taking this quick slice of my friend here, dropping it in the heating dish now[The door opens, and LILLIAN busts in. In quick succession:] LILLIAN (loud) Joanna, if you have the Bunsen burner, don’t[There’s a yelp, a clatter, and a splat as JOANNA drops everything in their hands (including the specimen) and knocks over the Bunsen burner.] JOANNA (frantic) Fuck! Put it out, put it out! LILLIAN (equally frantic) Shit I’m so sorry IJOANNA Fire extinguisher! Now! LILLIAN Here! [There’s a fire extinguisher noise, and then relieved sighs from both LILLIAN and JOANNA. Then JOANNA groans and squats down. There’s a scraping sound, and a little bit of a squishing noise as they try to pick up the specimen, but it’s a goner.] JOANNA (to themself) Ohhh, no, oh god no, it’s splattered everywhere. That’s not going to work. Oh no.
[JOANNA then stands turns to LILLIAN. They’re pretty angry.] JOANNA (cold as the Arctic) There had better be an amazing, mindblowing reason that you just caused me to lose a specimen and set my lab on fire. LILLIAN ...I was just coming in to tell you not to use that burner. I saw the note you left about borrowing it, and uh. It’s not actually a Bunsen burner. It’s an experimental heating unit I’m developing. JOANNA Oh. LILLIAN Yeeaaaah. The past units have been prone to… exploding a little. JOANNA Oh. LILLIAN Yeah. I was just trying to warn you. JOANNA (kind of embarrassed now) I’m… sorry. I just, mine was broken, and… (They suddenly realize that they sound kind of like Andrew.) Shit. I won’t take your things again. [LILLIAN is actually pretty chill, all things considered.] LILLIAN Maybe amend that to “ask Lillian before taking her things”. I’m not so bothered by the fact that you took it, but my projects are… more
volatile than most on this station, and occasionally a tad dangerous. I can tell you what’s safe and what’s not. JOANNA I… will. Um. [There’s a moment of awkward silence.] LILLIAN I’m sorry I made you drop your specimen. JOANNA (sad sigh) It’s okay. I have others. LILLIAN Do you want help cleaning up? JOANNA (longer sigh) No, I’ll get it. Can you just take the exploding heating unit off my hands please? LILLIAN Okay, if that’s really what you want. I… can fix your broken burner too, if you want. JOANNA (clearly just wants to be alone to perform tests) Maybe later. [LILLIAN gathers up the Bunsen burner and leaves, closing the door quietly behind her. JOANNA waits for about five seconds, then makes a very loud, frustrated noise.] JOANNA Uuuuuuuuuurghhhh. (They take a deep breath.) Right. Okay. Right. Look on the bright side, Dr. Fenistil. You still have… [tongue clicking]
one, two, three specimens left in the saline bath. And okay, temperature testing is out the window, but that’s fine. You can just take some samples from the specimens and run them through other tests. Like maybe… alright, specimen B. We’ll start there. [Another sucking gloopy noise as she pulls out specimen B.] Specimen B, similar to specimen A but less squishy and more rigid. Somewhat jagged, too. It’s still glued together by this weird solidified slime, and I kind of want to try a chemical analysis of that first, see what’s up there. Maybe a genetic sequencing, too, but one thing at a time. First: slime science. [Disgusting schlorping noise.] Alright, so I’ve drawn a quick sample of the slime. Currently estimated at about… 2 milligrams in weight, maybe 5 milliliters in this syringe. I’ll shove this into the beautiful little mass spectrometer that HQ and Lillian have thankfully provided me and just… wait to see what organic compounds come out. It’ll take a while. In the meantime[BING! The comms cut her off, and Mahima’s voice comes floating through. She sounds exasperated.] MAHIMA Dr. Fenistil? Could you please come to the bridge for a quick meeting? [JOANNA groans, long and loud. They press the button for their comms. BZZT.] JOANNA What is it now, Captain?
MAHIMA (So done with this) Just get up here. [She signs off, and there’s a thunk as JOANNA drops their head onto the table with a long sigh.] JOANNA Fuuuuuck. OPEN NEW SCENE: THE BRIDGE MAHIMA Alright, now that we’re all here, we’re going to have a quick talk about personal property. [SIMULTANEOUS YELLING FROM EVERYONE AT ONCE.] JOANNA I left a note, okay, I didn’tLILLIAN I didn’t steal anything, why am I hereALEX Sorry for that, Captain, butANDREW Is this even necessary?! MAHIMA (Captain Voice that one does not just disobey. Not loud, but commanding) Quiet. [Everyone goes silent. She continues.] I know kindergarten taught us all that sharing is caring, but I’m going to teach you another rhyme right here and now: taking is breaking. Aka, if I hear one more report of one of you taking someone else’s things without
permission, or if one of you takes my things without permission, Alex, I will break your wrists. ALEX Hey, in my defense I didn’t know that was your observations notebookMAHIMA Oh, Christ. Do none of you have critical thinking skills? Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. If it’s not yours, it’s probably someone else’s. If it’s someone else's, you don’t take it. It’s literally that simple. Yes, Dr. Veg- I mean, Lillian? LILLIAN If we ask and they say yes, can weMAHIMA Yes. ANDREW But if they don’t and we really need the thingJOANNA (answers before Mahima can) No. (they take a deep breath) We’re all smart people here. Well, except maybe Andrew. ANDREW Hey! JOANNA (steamrolls on) If you want me to have a good opinion of you, don’t pretend you can’t read. But frankly, the fact that the Captain has to do this? It’s embarrassing. One week in and we’re at each other’s throats. I just want to do my experiments. The rest of you just want to do
what you were sent down here for. So dammit, let’s do our jobs already, and in 8 months we never have to see each other again. MAHIMA (oddly touched) Thank you, Dr. Fenistil. That’s… exactly what I was going to say. [JOANNA just wants to get this over with. They nod curtly.] JOANNA Yes, of course. May I go now? MAHIMA ...Yes. Everyone is dismissed. We have dinner at 1800 hours, so Lillian, you’ll be making that again today. See you all then. [She walks away. There’s silence for a second. Then:] LILLIAN Did you really take her observations notebook? ALEX It was an accident! She didn’t even write her name on the cover, she just got mad when I gave it back! ANDREW Did you look inside? ALEX Briefly, but I didn’t read in-depth. That would be such a violationANDREW God, you’re a nerd. JOANNA
And that is my cue to leave. See you all at dinner. LILLIAN Okay, see you[The door opens and closes. LILLIAN finishes.] LILLIAN -later. (whispered) Fuck. [Music to indicate a break.] OPEN NEW SCENE: JOANNA’S LAB [There is the sound of whirring, beeping, etc. Machinery noises. JOANNA punctuates it with a sigh.] JOANNA (sounding so so so tired) 1750 hours. The chromatography is almost finished, which is… good. It’s good. I’ve started a genetic sequencing analysis, as well, so we should be able to determine at least some of what’s in specimen B at least. Specimens C and D remain mysteries for now. I’m just waiting for this to be done before I start the rest of the tests. [They pause.] I wish I had more hands. I wish I had more people to help. But dammit, I don’t want anyone in here right now. All of them… they think I’m silly, for this, for everything. They think I’m… I don’t know. Frivolous? Obsessed? And y’know what, they’re right, I am obsessed. Being obsessed with these experiments is my job, it’s what I’m good at. It’s what I love. So let them think I don’t have priorities and let them think I like sea creatures more than I like people, I don’t care. I don’t! All I care about is-
[DING! The whirring noise stops, and they turn around excitedly. Their voice reflects how their face has lit up.] JOANNA -results. Oh, hell yes, let’s see what we have here. [A drawer slides open on the machine or something, and JOANNA looks inside.] JOANNA Alright… looks like… we have high potassium concentrations, lower sodium, chlorine, and calcium. Kind of weird. And high levels of methylamines, apparently. Trimethylamine oxide, betaine, dimethylglycine, and various mucins. This… this looks like hagfish slime? But we’ve got sulfur here, and that’s not… and hagfish don’t even live this deep, they’re further up. I… okay, okay, okay. Wow. I have three hypotheses for what this is. One, the null hypothesis: this is chance and I’m making connections that aren’t there. That’s the most likely one. That’s what I need to disprove if I want either two or three. Two is that, somehow, we just have drifting hagfish slime. Which is kind of gross, but okay. And three… (They laugh) Three, I’ve discovered a new species. Which is the most unlikely, but if I’m right? If I’m actually, really right about this, it will be so, so cool. I just have to wait for the genetic sequencing analysis. [BEAT.] I’ll check on that now. [Footsteps, a pause, then the tapping of a fingernail on glass.] One more minute before it’s done. We’ll see what we get, I’m so excited. [They take a deep breath.] Okay, Joanna. No jumping to conclusions. Just calm down a little. Calm, quiet… thirty seconds… deep breaths. Don’t get your hopes up. [BEAT.] Yeah, too late for that, hopes are way, way up. Ten seconds… [Ten-second-long pause. Then a buzzer goes off.]
MECHANICAL VOICE Sequencing complete. JOANNA Hell yes. [Clicking and whirring as the machine works, then a slick “ka-chunk” as a panel slides open on the sequencer.] JOANNA (Excited at first, then getting confused and increasingly distressed until they’re on the verge of tears) Thymine, adenine, adenine… thymine, adenine, guanine… thymine, guanine, adenine? This… this makes no sense! This makes no sense. How… how? I don’t understand. There’sIt’s all just stop codons? I… what? I don’t understand. I don’t understand. How can you have an organism with a genome consisting of entirely STOP CODONS?! That’s like having a book written entirely with the words “The End”! [They pause, breathing heavily, then laugh.] Okay, it’s a mistake. It has got to be a mistake, right? Right? I made a mistake in the procedure. So I’ll do it again. I’ll do another test and see how it comes up. I’ll do tons of tests. I have my specimens here, after all[They turn around. The specimens appear to have melted. Where they were, a strange, bubbling film covers the counter. It goes “bloop” as they watch.] JOANNA (Numbly) They melted. They’re dripping as I watch. I… this is… [They trail off, then make a noise of frustration and kick a lab table with a bang. Then they yelp.] Ow, fuck! Stupid fucking goddamn[The door opens, and ALEX enters.] ALEX Hey, JoannaJOANNA (In an unholy screech)
WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! ALEX Whoa! Okay, sorry, sorry! Dinner is ready, I’m just- I’m just gonna go now[The door slams shut behind him. There’s a beat, and then a heartbreaking noise from JOANNA. They’re crying.] JOANNA (whispering) I’m sorry. I’m sorry, (They speak a little I’ll pull myself together. I’ll go go. [BEAT.] God knows I’m not good enough
I- okay. louder.) to dinner. I’ll just…
to salvage this.
[There’s a CLICK as the recorder turns off.] OPEN NEW SCENE: THE DINING ROOM [We hear the clink of forks on plates. There’s an awkward BEAT, and then:] LILLIAN Hey, where’s the Captain? ALEX I think she’s caught up in research or something. I heard her humming in her lab and I didn’t want to interrupt. LILLIAN Oh. [BEAT.] What was she humming? ALEX If I’m not mistaken, Eye of the Tiger. LILLIAN Really? ALEX
Yeah. You know, you wouldn’t expect it, but at the same time I don’t think I expected anything else. LILLIAN (getting more awkward and less interested) Yeah, it does sound like it. [AWKWARD SILENCE. More utensil-on-plate noises. Then JOANNA sighs forlornly.] LILLIAN Something wrong? JOANNA No. [Pause as LILLIAN looks at them skeptically.] OK, yeah. My experiments didn’t go as well as I had hoped. IANDREW (Interrupting loudly) Oh, spare us the nerdspeak. No one cares. LILLIAN Go shove your face into some roadkill, Andrew. Don’t you have complaining to do elsewhere? (She turns back to Joanna) That’s not true. I care. ALEX (Piping up) And I want to know why you yelled at me earlier. [JOANNA winces.] JOANNA Sorry about that. I’ve… had trouble with some of my specimens. I’m still having trouble. They proved to be… more difficult than I had previously thought, and it’s almost impossible to finish what I started. [They give a small, bitter laugh.] Disappointing, really.
LILLIAN (actually… kinda reassuring) Well, if it makes you feel better, we send out the bots for more collections tomorrow. Until then… [She turns to ALEX and ANDREW.] Who wants to play Scrabble? [EVERYONE GROANS except JOANNA, who perks up a little.] JOANNA We have Scrabble? LILLIAN Or Monopoly, or any one of a dozen board games. Or cards. We could play poker and gamble with chores… ALEX This sounds like it will end in injuries. I’m in. ANDREW Well, as much as I’d like to pawn my chores off on all of you, I have better things to do. Have fun with your kiddy games. [He walks away. The others stare, and then LILLIAN shrugs and turns back to ALEX and JOANNA.] LILLIAN So, what “kiddy game” should we play first? END. CREDITS.