Fall 2012
The “Difficult� Child
What We Notice Most...
Lies, Lies, Lies
Published by
Therapy & Life Skills Center familyworks.org
415-492-0720
This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license. Content is the responsibility of APPLE FamilyWorks
“Like us” on Fall 2012
3 APPLE FamilyWorks Welcomes
New Associate Director, Jody Berces
4 What We Notice Most...
By Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MA, MFT
6 Lies, Lies, Lies!
By Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT
8 The “Difficult” Child
By Eileen Wacker
10 Stroke?
Remember S.T.A.R.
16 Separation Anxiety
By Dr. Frederick Neuman
APPLE FamilyWorks 11 Parenting Programs 12 Therapy Programs
18
Live Your Dream
14 Parenting Support and Independent Living Skills
20
Knowing if Your Child Needs a Tutor
15 Are You Up to Speed
by Chuck Cohn
By Ginny Grimsley
on the Latest Car Seat Laws? FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks®
Executive Director: Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Associate Director: Jody Berces Editor & Design: Lew Tremaine Copy Editors: Pat Saunders Diana Wilkins Website: Katherine Arnsbarger Web Publisher: Art Severe Printed by: S.W. Offset
APPLE FamilyWorks® Board of Directors: Anjana Berde, President Mark Clark, Secretary Maria Villani, Treasurer Vicky Smirnoff Rita Trumbo
2
Fall 2012
APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Sponsorship Information: Jody Berces Phone: (415) 492-1022 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: jody@familyworks.org Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org
This seal of approval is a service mark of Independent Charities of America and is used under license. Content is the responsibility of FamilyWorks.
awarded to
Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2011 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org.
familyworks.org
APPLE FamilyWorks Welcomes New Associate Director, Jody Berces APPLE FamilyWorks is delighted to announce that veteran fund development professional Jody Berces is joining their staff. Jody will continue her 15 year career in the Marin County non-profit community as AFW’s Associate Director. Her duties will include fund development and community relations. Jody comes to AFW after five successful years as the Development Director at Buckalew Programs, where she raised as much as $1,000,000 per year. Prior to her tenure at Buckalew, Jody served as Executive Director for Ross Valley Ecumenical Housing. While there, she successfully raised funding and oversaw the construction of Tam House II, a senior housing facility in San Anselmo. Jody began her non-profit career in 1997 at Novato Youth Center, following an 18 year career as an attorney. “We welcome Jody to our staff with open arms,” stated Founding Ex-
ecutive Director Mary Jane DeWolf Smith, “She is a perfect fit. The staff and Board of Directors are very enthusiastic about her joining our team.” Jody is equally enthusiastic about her new position. “I look forward to being part of a strong, supportive team,” she said. “I’ve always been very passionate about my work, and I’m excited with the challenge of a new position at APPLE FamilyWorks.” A resident of San Rafael, Jody is married and has raised one daughter. She says she is an avid reader, gardener and tennis player.
Tiburon San Anselmo • Ross
familyworks.org
Fall 2012
3
What We Notice Most . . . is what we get most
by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MFT Does This Sound Familiar....
Y
ou’ve just sat down after dinner to read the paper. A few minutes earlier the kids were doing their homework peacefully at the kitchen table. No sooner do you relax than Eric, 11, makes a snide remark to Jenny, 9. She punches him in the arm. He hits back. She screeches.You feel the flush of anger. You yell, “Stop that! How many times have I told you to be nice to each other. Can’t you behave yourself? What do I have to do, watch over you every minute? Can’t I have a moment of peace and quiet to myself?”
“Punishing” Conversation Is Counter-Productive
Perhaps it isn’t you who reacts this way. Maybe a friend or your parents do. Responding with exasperation and anger can be automatic. Unfortunately, this type of response doesn’t work. We learn the hard way, over time, that punishing conversation, in fact, reinforces the negative behavior. The bad news is that the behavior we notice the most is what we get the most. Whatever we pay attention to is “reinforced.” RE-IN-FORCED, that is, it gains force or power—and it tends to increase in the future. The good news is that we can extinguish negative behavior by filling up air time—emotional and physical—with the reinforcement of positive behavior. We can look for the exceptions to the negative behavior—the times the child actually does respond helpfully. We can also plan ahead to encourage positive behavior. Trying Again
You will occasionally lapse into automatic reactions like those above. The point is not to beat up on yourself for the lapse but to simply catch yourself earlier in the action of doing it and redirect the flow of events. Then return to practicing catching your child at doing things right and reinforcing the “positive” behavior as opposed to condemning the “negative.” Let’s apply these positive reinforcement principles to the beginning example. Before you sit down to read the paper you place Eric and Jenny on opposite ends of the table and tell them, “When you both work quietly and cooperatively on your homework for 30 minutes and I have rested, then we’ll (play a board game, read, play catch, watch a favorite program, etc.).” You set a timer and deliver on your promise with a rewarding activity at the
4
Fall 2012
familyworks.org
end of 30 minutes. At any other times that the children exhibit any positive behavior, such as sitting quietly, completing a task, or letting you rest, you gently acknowledge their helpful behavior. Why We Notice The Negative
The primary reason we notice the negative is that we learned our patterns of observation and communication in childhood—at a time when our internal computer (our unconscious mind) is being programmed each hour with a million megabytes of information. These learned patterns of relating are stored forever. Later in life, a push of a certain sequences of “buttons” causes the old relationship/ communication program to play out. We say and do things—in response to stress—that feel right. We rarely question our feelings and actions until we learn the hard way that our reactive responses don’t work. Even in the best of circumstances each one of us has experienced negative communications in childhood and grow into adulthood with degrees of feeling worthless, defective, undervalued, misunderstood and incompetent. When our children do not follow
our advice, ignore our expectations, and seem to willfully antagonize us, we often react the way our parents did under similar circumstances. When we find ourselves routinely annoyed with our children—criticizing, name calling, demanding, threatening, yelling—we may be activating old tapes of parental negativity, criticism, and perfectionism. If we find ourselves seeing our children as threats, competitors, burdens, challenges, or manipulators, we may be playing out the interchanges just as our parents or siblings did before us. Why Punishing Statements Don’t Work
Punishment is power-oriented, arbitrary, shaming, disrespectful, harsh, demanding and brings up past mistakes. Punishing statements are often in the form of questions or “You statements” using “Why” or “How.” They sound like: “Why can’t you just do it?”; “You’ll never learn.”; “You’d better shape up.”; “I can’t believe you’d do such a terrible thing.”; “How many times have I told you to...”; “You’re grounded for a month”; “How could you be so lazy?”; “You’re just like your...”; or, “You make me so ...” The likely results of punishment are fear and anxiety, which promotes
Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist specializing in couples, parenting and co-parenting concerns. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.
sneakiness, rebellion, hostile compliance, defensiveness, and desire to get even. Logical Consequences for Positive Behavior
We often mistake logical consequences as “punishments” used for negative behavior. This orientation is ineffective and counterproductive. In fact, logical consequences are very different from “punishment.” The most effective logical consequences are “catching the child at being good.” We need to consciously replace old “punishment programs,” that really are the hard way to parent, for new and easier programs. Rewarding helpful behavior creates more helpful behavior. Some believe that such rewards are “bribes.” Parents will say, “They should be polite because it’s simply the right thing to do.” or “If I reward them when they’re nice, they’ll just end up being greedy.” If the rewards are money or things, this is likely to be true. Research has proven that rewards based on “economics” rather than on human relationships are short lived.
Relationship Rewards
But rewards need not be concrete or monetary. In fact, because people (adults and children alike) crave recognition, understanding, and attenContinued on page 23
familyworks.org
Fall 2012
5
Lies, Lies, Lies! by Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT
Lying at Different Stages
Toddlers: Most of the “fibs” from toddlers as young as three years old and some as young as two, is an attempt to avoid something unpleasant or to gain something for themselves. While this sounds quite mature, a child of this age doesn’t really know that they are doing anything wrong and it isn’t necessary or appropriate to punish.
I
t may be true that some children do not go through a lying stage, but, rest assured, most do. Some parents, when a child lies, worry that it may be an indicator that their child is headed for trouble. Parents’ reactions to a child’s lying run the gamut of emotions from finding it funny to being outraged.
Why Kids Lie
Understanding the underlying reasons kids may lie can help parents manage the situation more calmly and effectively. Let’s first look at some of the reasons children lie. They lie to: • Practice/develop their creativity and imagination • Be playful and funny • Control the situation • Avoid consequences • Gain approval, love, or attention • Manage fear or anxiety • Protect someone else • Avoid doing something they do not want to do.
6
Fall 2012
Preschoolers: Children at this age have a hard time understanding what is real and what is not. Usually, their lying is simply being playful or sometimes wishful thinking – wishing that what is true for a friend is also true for them. It’s really not until later, seven or eight, that they can distinguish between the truth and untruth. School-age Children: Children in their early school years most often lie to escape responsibility or negative consequences. They may also be attempting to get what they want, e.g., more dinner, extra playtime, etc. But sometimes it is because they’re afraid of letting you down. By eight or nine, most children begin to have a conscience – a sense of right and wrong – and feel emotionally (and sometimes physically) uncomfortable if they lie. They also begin to develop a sense of pleasure when they do the “right” thing and/or tell the truth. Tweens/Teens: By the pre-teen and teen years, lying is often an attempt to separate from parents and gain autonomy. Tweens may begin to keep some things to themselves. This lie by ommission, is not viewed as
familyworks.org
dishonesty by the child. It is a sign that they are attempting to grow up and away. Developmentally, tweens and teens must separate from their parents in order to function in the world and be accepted by their peers. Like younger kids, teens lie because they want to avoid negative consequences and sometimes to preserve the image their parents may have of them as “angels”. Sometimes they lie to protect friends or to assure a place among their peers. Teens may also lie because they think their parents will put-down their perspectives/values if their perspectives differ from their family. What teens lack is experience and wisdom in anticipating and dealing with the consequence of their lies.
What to Do When Kids Lie
Of course, while we can understand why kids lie, it remains the parents’ responsibility to deal with it. Following are some approaches to keep in mind:
1 Breathe (or do anything that will get you in a calm and rational state to deal with the issue). In some cases, it can take more than counting to 10 to get you calm, but it is critical. Talking calmly will help the child to deal with the issue and learn from it.
5
Stay focused on the underlying problem; avoid blame. “What were you thinking?” and, “Why did you do that?” are all traps for the child to dig a deeper hole.
6
Remain focused on the behavior – it is imperative that you avoid labeling your child as “a liar” – kids internalize what we say to them and may lie even more.
7
Grilling is for BBQ’s – and it will close the child down – what you want is dialogue about what happened. If you use a lot of leading questions to get at the lie, the child is likely to compound the lie – which happens easily.
8
It will be important to reinforce the good parts of the conversation, e.g., that he/she took accountability despite knowing there would be con-
Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT is the Director of Therapeutic Programs at APPLE FamilyWorks. She facilitates our parenting classes and specializes in working with couples and families. Call 492-0720 to schedule an appointment.
sequences – that’s brave. Praise him/ her for telling the truth.
9
Set appropriate consequences for the misbehavior. It can sometimes be determined by you and the child together (kids are often harder on Continued on page 22
..while we can understand why kids lie, it remains the parents’ responsibility to deal with it.
.
2
Think developmentally – this will allow you to approach from the perspective of the child’s positive intent – what positive thing were they trying to accomplish, e.g., using their imagination, protecting a friend, etc.
3 Pull out the empathy – you were a child/teen and probably got caught in a fib. Remember what it was like to fess up to something. 4 Let your child know that you are aware of the lie and emphasize that honesty is essential to build trust – the building block of good relationships. familyworks.org
Fall 2012
7
The “Difficult” Child… By Eileen Wacker
I
strive to be a great parent. I have moments of glory and others of massive doubt and worry. Because I constantly revisit what is a good parent? And for every happy, proud moment there are a thousand small deaths endured as a parent. I die a small death every time my child gets cut from a team, left out of a birthday party, or receives a bad grade. And, seriously, my kids are not always dying with me. It’s often me bleeding and worried and they are texting and making plans, leaving their potential at the door as they walk out. I have four children aged eight to fourteen. My fourteen year-old daughter is “the pleaser,” my thirteen year-old son is a “swagger-in-training,” my ten year-old son is a combination “swaggerin-training apprentice and hide and seek addict” and my eight year-old daughter is a “puppy-worshipping tomboy”. As parents, we want them to have happy productive lives and we see their potential more than anyone. All we want is for them to do their best at every moment so they do not miss out. How did we get so unrealistic? They are not a reflection of us but a reflection of them, most of which is hard wired in. This has resulted in over-parenting of some of our kids and the assumption that our easiest to raise will glide through life as a result of our excellent parenting. Our most “over-parented” child is our second child, otherwise known as “Swagger in Training”. He goes to a school for gifted dyslexics wearing his Vans, jeans, a flat-back cap, t-shirt, and inexpensive chain. We rarely have a positive parent conference as he is disorganized (forgets everything), opinionated, and moves
8
Fall 2012
around… a lot. If he weren’t my child, many of his stories would be hilarious, like when he called 911 last week just to see what would happen and then hung up and did not answer when the police called back, so of course they
familyworks.org
As parents, we want them to have happy productive lives and we see their potential more than anyone. All we want is for them to do their best at every moment so they do not miss out. How did we get so unrealistic?
Realistically I know they will determine their own path, but I ”mommy-lobby” endlessly for them to do certain things. So I need to change – the old me tries to correct every flaw and ensure they don’t miss an opportunity. The new me sees my difficult child as someone with strengths I need to notice and nurture and my daughter as someone who needs to learn to stand up and say no once in a while. Our youngest daughter is eight and has been to four birthday parties in four years. She is a tomboy and would not be caught dead in a dress or attend a tea party or anything remotely “fluffy”. The old me worried – why don’t the girls like her? The new me embraces her sunny disposition and sporty prowess and feels relieved she is strong enough to make her own path and select friends she shares interests with. Our ten year-old son watches everything and his favorite expression is, “It’s not fair”. He is never left out and always gets his fair share. He does the bare Continued on page 22
came to our home. My husband and I had taken a day-trip to Kauai that day, and the call on my cell phone from the police (who assumed we had left our two oldest alone for the weekend) screamed “bad parent”. It all worked out, but I’m starting to have this face tic when I see certain numbers crop up. Then two days later, we go to a school event. We find that “Swagger” has a posse of friends. He makes an excellent and very funny presentation to the assembly, and he receives recognition for his athleticism. I feel the shock of pride watching his moment of triumph. All of a sudden, I had this shiver of doubt. Could the hardest child to raise, in fact, be the one most prepared for life? As a contrast, my first child is very easy. We call her “The Pleaser”. She runs with me and is part of student government. Her parent conferences are always great as she has a positive sunny attitude and never ever misbehaves in class. She works hard and manages to pull mainly “Bs” and actually practices her piano. Am I being a bad parent, loving her for always going along and never being defiant towards us, or any adult? The shiver gets stronger. Could the easiest child to raise end up being less successful because of the behavior I am reinforcing? I can’t get this question out of my mind… I struggle every day to keep perspective related to my children. I have so many hopes and dreams for them. familyworks.org
Fall 2012
9
STROKE? Remember S. T. A. R. WHY LEARN THESE SIGNS?
D
uring a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) ...she said she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Jane’s husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 PM Jane passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane would be with us today. Some don’t die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. SYMPTOMS: Ask the person to do the following: Smile
Talk (say a simple sentence) And stick their tongue out straight Raise both their arms
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
10
Fall 2012
familyworks.org
Therapy and Life Skills Center ©
Positive & Peaceful Parenting Classes We invite you to join us in a fun and interactive class, in which innovative, practical and effective skills will be shared and learned to: ll • Increase cooperation • Receive respect & appreciation Ca • Get chores & homework completed • Enhance discipline & social skills • Enjoy time with your family • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Listening completely • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Turning opposition into cooperation • Knowing abilities & Temperament • Using the “New Time Out” • Giving effective directions • Applying “When...Then” • Setting clear consequences • Creating charts & reinforcements
n-
ig or S
ne
nli up o
Friday November 30, 2012 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
Child-Centered Co-Parenting • Reduce anxiety and depression Mothers of Toddlers Group: Call for details. Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Deal with each other respectfully • Design consequences that work • Increase cooperation • End rudeness & backtalk • Make co-parenting decisions calmly Two Fridays: • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably November 30, 9 a.m. - 5 p.m. • Manage constantly shifting December 7 , 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. schedules (Must attend both to receive a certificate)
Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
Exploring Motherhood Groups For Expectant & New Mothers (and infants birth to walking) meet every week from 10 to noon at a Marin Community Clinic NOVATO: Spanish speaking: Tuesdays SAN RAFAEL: Spanish speaking: Thursdays • Share experiences, ideas, and support • Learn about pregnancy and new parenthood • Learn how to increase infant health & happiness • Learn ways to manage change and decrease stress
familyworks.org
(415) 492-0720
familyworks.org
Fall 2012
11
Therapy and Life Skills Center
FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy ® (FIT)
“I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand”
Ancient Proverb
FamilyWorks Integrative Therapy® (FIT) has been developed over three decades to help you and your family reach your life goals. FamilyWorks trained therapist*, utilizing interviews and assessment tools, will guide you to establish your goals, identify your individual strengths, and note patterns, thoughts, and behaviors, which may be causing discomfort and frustration. Your therapist will meet with you, your partner or family members in our specially designed FIT suites as you learn and/or practice time-tested and effective skills.
You will benefit from choices of many therapeutic approaches, which may include state of the art technology, such as the emWave® biofeedback stress relief system, one-way mirror sessions with audio-visual feedback, and DVDs, to track and celebrate positive emotional and behavioral change. You will also benefit from easy to implement written materials to reinforce skills at work, play and home. *Therapists are FamilyWorks Positive and Peaceful Parenting© as well as ChildCentered Co-Parenting© practitioners. Triple P® materials are also available.
familyworks.org (415) 492-0720 12
Fall 2012
familyworks.org
Therapy and Life Skills Center APPLE FamilyWorks is here to help you to reach your goals and to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family. We are here for you to make a positive difference in your life. We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conflicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect
• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce
• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions • Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence
Adult and Family Therapy Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, person-centered, humanistic, narrative, dialectical behavior therapy, AEDP, EFT and FIT . The result is reduced stress and conflict with increased understanding, empathy, and cooperation.
Child and Teen Therapy APPLE FamilyWorks’ skilled therapists work with children and adolescents to support their journey through childhood and into adulthood. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities. Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional wellbeing, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development. Home-visits, school observations and IEP assistance is available.
familyworks.org
(415) 492-0720
familyworks.org
Fall 2012
13
Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities
Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction • Early intervention in postpartum depression • Positive and peaceful discipline
• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting • Development of social support systems • Linkage with others services
Independent Living Skills • Academic growth
• Housekeeping
• Behavior management
• Transportation skills
• Stress Reduction skills
• Community access
• Injury prevention
• Employment readiness
• Nutrition
• Financial management and budgeting
• Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care
• Development of social support Systems Serving eleven greater Bay Area Counties
CPR & First Aid Classes Saturday: Call for schedule CPR - 9:30 AM to 1:00 PM First Aid - 1:15 to 4 PM
Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion.
familyworks.org (415) 492-0720 14
Fall 2012
familyworks.org
Are You Up to Speed on the Latest Car Seat Laws? Children under the age of eight (8) or under four (4) feet, nine (9) inches tall must be properly secured in the rear seat of a vehicle with a child passenger restraint system.
In addition, “physical unfitness”, size or transporting a child during a life threating emergency may also qualify for an exemption of the California car seat law.
Children under the age of one (1) weighing less than twenty (20) pounds may not ride in the front seat of a vehicle with an active passenger side airbag in a rear-facing infant seat.
If a child is over forty (40) pounds, the child may sit in the rear seat of a vehicle with lap belts when the backseat of the vehicle is not equipped with a combination lap and shoulder safety belt.
Height, Weight and Age References for the California Car Seat Law: Rear-Facing Car Seat For a newborn or infant up to 20-35 pounds Until at least one (1) year of age and twenty (20) pounds in the back seat. Car Seat must face backward. Forward-Facing Car Seat A child must be over one (1) year of age and weight at least twenty (20) pounds Facing forward only. Booster Seat Requirements The child must weight over forty (40) pounds.
Additional Exceptions A child under the age of six (6) or a child weighing less than sixty (60) pounds may sit in the front seat of the vehicle under the certain conditions. If any of the following conditions apply the child may be allowed in the front seat if they are restrained in a “Child Passenger Restraint System” (CPRS) that meets federal safety standards. Conditions A Medical Condition that restricts the child from occupying a rear seat (May require proof of condition).
Booster Seats must be used with both lap and shoulder belts. The lap belt should fit low and tight across hips. The shoulder belt should cross the collar bone and center of chest.
California Car Seat Law Exceptions
There are legal exceptions to the California Car Seat law. In some cases, a court sanctioned exemption or a medical condition will exempt the driver from being cited for a violation of this law. familyworks.org
The rear seats are occupied by other children under the age of 12. The CPRS system can’t be installed in the rear seat. The seats in the rear face backwards (Rear Facing Seats). The back seats face each other (side facing jump seats). Go to CarSeatLaws.com for more information. Fall 2012
15
Separation Anxiety: Kindergarten and College Giving Your Kids Wings to Fly… While Helping Them Keep Their Feet on the Ground By Dr. Frederic Neuman
H
uman beings, like other animals, have a considerable stake in the wellbeing of their offspring. When children are very young, a great deal of time and effort is invested in keeping them safe. Infants are kept close by and strangers are treated with certain wariness. The tendency to be guarded may become exaggerated or persist too long as a child grows up. Such a parent is said to be “overprotective.” There are a number of ways such a parent can inadvertently communicate fears to a child, who then, if such fears become pervasive, can develop an anxiety disorder. Certain ideas underlie a phobia, for instance. Somebody who is afraid of travelling away from home and more afraid as that person goes farther and farther, can develop fears of driving, flying, and getting lost. Someone afraid of strangers can become excessively worried about intruders—and sometimes kidnappers and terror16
Fall 2012
ists. Often, these fears, which are described most commonly in adults, grow plainly out of difficulties separating from a parent that are apparent even in childhood.
familyworks.org
Kindergarten: A common scene the first day of kindergarten is of one or another child hanging on to its mother or father tearfully, afraid of being left alone with the other children and with the teacher. Most children are not discomforted by this first experience with school because most children have been leaving their mothers more and more throughout the previous years. But if a mother is overly concerned about a child being vulnerable away from home, that child is likely now to reflect that fear. Treatment: This familiar situation is always treated the same way. The child should always be encouraged to do what the other children are doing—going off, let’s say, to play with the some toys in the next room. But if the child is too upset, the parent should stay with the child until he/she calms down. Then the parent will recede into the background and allow the child to be distracted by the other children. With very frightened children this process may take some time. It is important that the parent not get upset by this process. Another common situation where children have trouble separating from their parents is at a later age when they have to get on a bus to take them to sleep-away camp. Some children cry; but I have seen mothers crying and unwilling to let their children board the bus. The Principles Involved: This process of separating should be slow, patient, but firm. At every point the child should be encouraged to do what the other children do, taking into consideration that child’s particular feelings. Go slow if the child is particularly upset. But make sure not to back down in the end. College: Some parents are so afraid of their children leaving that they insist the child go to college nearby. I always argue as hard as I can against this idea. It is usually these children, in particular, who would profit by being in a college away from home. Very few children cannot make the adjustment if they are encouraged. Some are “homesick,” of course, but usually homesickness lasts only a few weeks. Other fears fade away with time. Think of all the tasks someone this age must undertake in the next few years:
All of these tasks have to do with separating from parents, and they must be accomplished over the next few years for someone to grow up. This is not to say that parents say goodbye to a college age child casually, without misgivings and without a sense of loss. I don’t think that is possible. But nowadays the children are at the other end of a cell phone, and so the process is not as abrupt as it seems. And they do come back safely. And as I can attest personally, even grandchildren come back safely.
Dr. Fredric Neuman is the Director of the Anxiety and Phobia Center at White Plains Hospital and blogs for Psychology Today. He is also the author Superpowers, a unique young adult novel about growing up. He can be contacted at www.fredricneumanmd.com
l Learning to develop one’s own values, perhaps different from those of his/her parents. 2 3 4
Learning how to make new friends. Learning how to relate sexually.
Choosing interests, and eventually a purpose--that is, a career. familyworks.org
Fall 2012
17
• Make location a state of mind.
Does your heart yearn to be somewhere else? You’re in Kansas, but you long to live on the beach, or you’re in the city but you’re a country person, like Truitt. If you can’t follow your heart, bring that place to you. If you love all things Paris, for instance, decorate a room or your whole home Parisian style. Instead of going to the grocery store once a week, find a market and stop in every day for fresh food, the way the French do. Ride a bicycle; put a picture of the Eiffel Tower on your desk at work; eat lunch al fresco. Take a French class and maybe you’ll meet some likeminded friends.
• Turn your passion into a career.
by Ginny Grimsley
W
hat is the No. 1 regret of hospice patients in their dying days?“ They wished they would have lived life the way they wanted to, not the way others wanted them to,” says Kathie Truitt, author of The Hillbilly Debutante Café. Truitt changed her life by necessity after a devastating series of events led to the loss of her home and career. Like many Americans who lost it all in the recent recession, Truitt decided to go about things differently the second time around. Quoting an article by former palliative care worker Bronnie Ware: “I got rid of the socialite sweater sets, the business suits and pumps, which were not me, and went to what is me – vintage dresses and cowboy boots,” she says. “I live in the Washington, D.C. area because I have to. But I don’t have to conform to how other people look, dress, and behave here. I surround myself with the things I like; I have a country-style house. I drive a pickup. And once a month, I take a ride out to one of the places featured in Southern Living magazine.” You don’t have to have a lot of money to live a life truer to your spirit. Truitt offers some suggestions:
18
Fall 2012
familyworks.org
You don’t have to give up your day job to pursue a career doing what gratifies and satisfies you. If you love playing music, set aside time to practice and write songs. Pursue opportunities to play at local events; create video recordings and upload them to YouTube (it worked for Justin Bieber!); offer to perform at your place of worship. Whether you dream of writing a novel, designing jewelry, or being a race car driver, working at it even part-time will help you feel fulfilled.
• Take the plunge and start your own business.
In 2011, entrepreneurs started 543,000 new businesses each month, on average, among the highest startup rates in 16 years, according to the most recent Kauffman Index of Entrepreneurial Activity. With all the tax breaks and incentives being offered to small businesses now, it’s a good time to open that restaurant you always wanted, or launch that graphics design studio. You’ll never know until you try! As for Truitt, she would love to be back home in El Dorado Springs, Mo. Since she can’t be there, she wrote a novel set in the small, southern town, which is struggling financially. She hopes to fan interest in tourists visiting the town to meet the business owners described in her book, and see the sights. To that end, she organized an Antique & Book Festival and a Hillbilly Debutante ball – featuring vintage prom dresses and plaid tuxes – the night before. “There are many ways to live your dreams,” Truitt says. “You’re limited only by your imagination. I don’t want to be that person looking back on my life and regretting that I lived it by someone else’s rules.”
Kathie Truitt is a former radio personality and speaker in the South, where she was crowned Mrs. Missouri America. She’s the author of False Victim, a memoir about the nightmare of events that forced her from her home. She sells vintagestyle clothing, accessories, and jewelry at www. hillbillydebutante. blogspot.com.
Making a Difference At Bank of Marin you’ll bank with people who share your same values and commitment to the community. We invite you to get to know us.
www.bankofmarin.com
|
Member FDIC
Family Care Family Dental Dental Care
John T. Smith, DDS
John T. Smith, 915 Sir Francis Drake Blvd.,DDS San Anselmo from Red Hill Shopping Center) -(Across Preventive Care - Implants - Extractions - Lumineers - Dentures - Crown & Bridge
415-453-1666
And We Love Children! 915 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo, CA
(Across from Red Hill Shopping Center)
(415) 453-1666
familyworks.org
Fall 2012
19
Knowing If Your Child Needs a Tutor
F
and Choosing One
amilies often rely on the schools, the teachers, and the academic counselors - both within their high school and hired privately - to help them select courses, clubs, sports, and summer activities that maximize their children’s chances at admission into a competitive college. But even with the best help from the school professionals, students often encounter difficulties in classes, resulting in lower grades that can impact how they fare in the college admissions process. One of the best options available to parents and students, even gifted students, is to enlist the support of a tutor. He/she can fill in the gaps and assure that the student is prepared and educated to reach their maximum potential, instead of being trapped in mediocrity. Fortunately, tutors are more available and more affordable than ever before. The students who can benefit the most from private tutoring to gain an academic edge typically fall into three categories:
Who Tutoring Can Help Students who lack some essential academic foundation: Maybe they didn’t feel well, had a poor teacher in a prior prep course, changed schools, or simply didn’t pay attention. For whatever reason, they are missing some of the essential knowledge, skills, or understanding to achieve success with the subject matter in the class they are presently facing. A tutor can identify the gaps and help the student address their specific needs on an ongoing basis. 20
Fall 2012
by Chuck Cohn
Gifted or talented students who want and need more: Teachers in large classrooms are forced to teach to the average student. Gifted students who learn faster than the average student often stagnate academically because they aren’t challenged. They lose interest and their minds can wander. A tutor can see where the students are on the spectrum and develop a personalized program to challenge them, encourage their academic development, and stimulating their interest and enthusiasm for learning. Students doing test prep or applying to colleges: Test preparation and test-taking skills are quickly becoming critical to students achieving academic success. Even the best schools can fail to prepare students properly for the subject matter and with the thinking processes that must be addressed in college entrance exams like the SAT and ACT. Tutors can provide students with an arsenal of weapons to be used on standardized assessments. They are able to make sure the student is prepared to deal with
familyworks.org
the range of content. They can analyze and identify the types of problems and the right analysis technique to fly through the test and get the right answers with plenty of time to spare. Great tutors are able to equip students with both a strong foundation in content knowledge and the ability to quickly break down a complicated question.
Selecting a Tutor Identify Your Needs - Know What You Want Carefully identify the subject or the topic of help needed. Does your student want help with reading and comprehension? Mathematical problem-solving? SAT or ACT problems? Writing? Language? Be specific and establish firm and reachable goals and objectives based on the needs you perceive. Before committing to a tutor, be sure that you have a clear understanding of fees, the schedule of activities, and cancellation policies. Assess the Tutor’s Communication Skills Can your child and the tutor communicate effectively? Observe how they interact. Are difficult concepts discussed in an easy to understand manner? Does the tutor “connect” with your student? Does the tutor clearly explain his or her approach to tutoring? Good tutors should be able to clearly tell you and the student how the sessions will be organized and conducted so that your questions and concerns are identified and addressed to your satisfaction. Assess the Tutor’s Technical Skills Great tutors will have recently been knee-deep in the content you will be covering. A tutor who recently took
One of the best options available to parents and students, even gifted students, is to enlist the support of a tutor.
calculus and is still actively doing mathematics will be much more valuable than another who received an “A” in their college course 10 years ago. Determine if the tutor will tailor the tutoring sessions to meet the child’s learning style. Ask: Have they worked with children the same age? Are they familiar with the textbooks and other materials your child is using in school? Carefully review the tutor’s profile and credentials. Inquire about the tutor’s academic background, grades received, and course rigor.
Assess Personality and Teaching Style Is the tutor someone that your student will enjoy working with? Do they maintain the student’s interest and admiration? Are they willing to work within the students’ time constraints? Are their personalities and communication styles compatible? Monitor and assess the outcome and tone of the sessions to ensure that the learning environment remains effective, amicable, and fruitful. Run a Background Check and Check Qualifications Review the tutors’ credentials carefully. Verify experience, test scores, transcripts, and references. If appropriate, run a criminal and sex offender background check. Ensure that the person represented him/herself truthfully. Monitor and Assess Results Improving academic achievement requires strategizing, hard work, and patience. Good tutors will make the best use of time to learn the student’s strengths and weaknesses, how they learn, and what they respond to. Then they will quickly develop and deploy an individualized learning plan. Tutoring sessions may be conducted once a class, once a week, or on an as-needed basis. Once the tutoring begins, request periodic reports from both the tutor and your child’s teacher. Ask your student, “How’s it going?” and pay close attention to what they say. They should express enthusiasm. You should also find a noticeable academic improvement within a few months. Finding a great tutor will motivate your student and improve his/her grades, and test scores - the results can be amazing! Chuck Cohn is the founder and CEO of Varsity Tutors, a St. Louis Missouri based nation-wide network of over 900 tutors in 14 cities. Tutoring is offered in Math, Science, English, Test Preparation, Foreign Languages, and Social Studies.
familyworks.org
Fall 2012
21
Lies, Lies, Lies! continued from page 7
themselves than we would be), but consistent and fair consequences are key.
Prevention
1 Be a good model. Kids watch what you do and say and, if you sometimes stretch the truth, it will be hard to insist that they be truthful. Those little “white” lies about loving Aunt Shirley’s cooking count! Admitting when you make mistakes and being accountable will demonstrate your integrity. Share your feelings. When you are willing to let others know how you feel, instead of stuffing your feelings, this encourages your child to do the same. If your child feels safe to
2
be afraid, angry, frustrated, etc., then he/she is less likely to “make up” a story to cover feelings or negative experiences.
3 Build Confidence. When children have healthy self-esteem, they are less likely to cover up the truth. When Should a Parent be Concerned about Lying: When there is a very occasional lie and the kids seem happy, have good relationships at home, at school, and with friends, parents need not be overly concerned about the lying. When a child lies compulsively and begins to demonstrate other negative behaviors, e.g., stealing, cheating, aggression, violent temper tantrums, skipping school, etc., then it is time to seek professional help.
The “Difficult” Child continued from page 9
minimum at school and still gets straight A’s in fourth grade. The old me worried when it starts to get harder he will not have the good study habits of his older sister. The new me admires he has the heart of a lion and is always in the thick of everything. It is very difficult – as a parent I have caught and corrected flaws at every turn. I nurtured the early reader, applauded the reluctant bike rider, and attended every athletic event. So the old me is still in there but the new me is going to be a lot more visible. I just got a call from school – “swagger in training” was sent to the office for holding his breath in an attempt 22
Fall 2012
to get light-headed. I feel the face tic thing again. But, I am rooting for the difficult child to be successful in life. Eileen Wacker, a Harvard Business School graduate, lived and worked in seven different countries, including the United States. She commuted to Asia for nearly three years as part of a business development team, which sparked her interest in Asian culture. Wacker now resides in Honolulu, Hawaii, with her husband and four children, one of whom is a daughter adopted from China. For more information please visit her website: http:// www.oncekids.com.
Positive & Peaceful
Parenting
Learn to: • Improve Children’s Cooperation • Increase Kindness & Respect • Enrich Family Connections • Reinforce Positive Behaviors • Nurture Children’s Development
Four Tuesday Evenings Handbook & Certificate of Completion Call:
(415) 492-0720 or Register Online at
familyworks.org
What You Notice Most continued from page 5
tion, relationship rewards are more enduring. And with children, the most important “prize” is time with their loved ones: a story, board game, walk, playing catch, etc. Teaching children that helpful behavior gains increased time with those they love is wise teaching—a logical consequence of cooperative behavior. Giving time to children is a logical consequence because it logically follows that in the real world people who are kind, helpful and gentle are more sought after in friendship and employment relationships.
ing is pretty to look at.” “Wow, you finished your homework.” “Thanks for taking your dishes to the sink.” “I love reading you a story.” “It’s fun to cuddle with you.” “I’m glad you’re my child.” “When you have picked up your toys and clothes, then we can go to the park”; “When we’re finished shopping and putting away the groceries, then we’ll play a game together.” “Oh it was just a mistake.” “I know you can work this out.” “I trust you to make a good choice.”
The Outcome of Giving Positive Reinforcement
The likely results of positively reinforcing your children are an increased desire to cooperate and share, to complete tasks and problem solve; greater
Setting Up Positive Logical Consequences
How can we practice and positively reinforce new, more effective behaviors? We can do so by consciously setting aside time each day to notice our children’s successes and by positively reinforcing their helpful behaviors through spending additional activity time with them. Keeping a check list of positive behaviors is very helpful. Increase Positive Reinforcement Positive reinforcement comments stay in the present; assume cooperation; focus on specific behavior; communicate respect and good will; mold; guide; give encouragement; feel gentle and fair; and reinforce behavior with a logical, positive consequence (i.e., a reward that’s designed to work for the specific child, and is directly related to the positive behavior).
What Positive Reinforcement Sounds Like
“I appreciate your help.” “Thank you for sharing.” “Respecting others shows you care.” “I love how well you care for your toys.” “Your handwrit-
hope for the future; and decreased anxiety and fear. Consider spending valuable time noticing your child’s positive behavior when they are not seeking recognition. Gently teach them with a few words and a good example. In the short run this method will cost you time, but in the long run it will save you endless hours of frustration as your child becomes actively cooperative. Take heart. Children are naturally oppositional. Their job is to grow up and away from us. They naturally test our rules and our patience. Practice modeling patience and kindness. This may seem like it’s the hard way—but it really is easier!
My Plan to Encourage Positive Behavior
Consider making a copy of the following list, leaving space between each item to write positive observations. Put lists on the refrigerator, bathroom mirror, and children’s door. (Ways I treat my child like an honored guest in my home) I notice the following positive behavior in my child:
1 2
Courage s/he shows in learning the following new skills Helpful behaviors today. List specific times s/he: • shared • took turns • did something helpful without being asked • waited patiently • was on time • slowed down and soothed him/herself • said “thank you,” “please,” “excuse me”
3 Use of humor or cute sayings 4 Ways s/he challenged me to increase my patience and shift my priorities
familyworks.org
Fall 2012
23