Spring 2015
Magazine
Your 2 Year-old DOES Need A Nap
Talking to Your Kids About the Police
Parent More Consciously
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Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime
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“Like us” on
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by Lew Tremaine, Editor
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Your 2 Year-old DOES Need a Nap
Your Positive Parenting Checklist
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Including Kids with Special Needs
Talking to Your Kids About the Police
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by Dottie DeHart
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Meri Hayos Joins APPLE Staff by Lew Tremaine
from wellrestedbaby.com by Cara N. Koscinski MOT, OTR/L
Encourage an Attitude of Gratitude in Our Children by Monisha Vasa, M.D.
APPLE FamilyWorks 11 APPLE FamilyWorks Update 12 Adult and Family Therapy & Support Groups
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Child and Teen Therapy Services Developmental Disabilities Services CPR & First Aid Classes Parenting Services
FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks® BOARD OF DIRECTORS President: Brigid Breen Secretary: Libby Pischel Treasurer: Doug Woodard Member: Anjana Berde Executive Director: Editor & Design: Copy Editors:
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APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Sponsorship Information: Michael Diehl Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 229 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: Michael@familyworks.org Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org
Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries in five Marin Scope Weekly Community Newspapers, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2015 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org.
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Talking to Your Kids About the Police
The “Must Have” Talk to Have with Your Children by Lew Tremaine, Editor, FamilyWorks Magazine
Have you had the “Must Have” talks with your children? “The Birds and the Bees,” check. “Stranger Danger,” check. “The dangers of smoking,” check. “Drugs and Alcohol,” check. Great! But, have you talked to your kids about how to act when contacted by a police officer? No? Well, it might keep them out of unnecessary trouble. It might save their lives. Official police contacts, those in which the officer suspects that a criminal act has occurred, are serious business. They can happen at any time, for a multitude of reasons - to you or your children. The importance of cooperation and politeness cannot be over-emphasized in these situations. Despite their training, police officers are human, just like the rest of us. But they are trained to consider themselves authority figures and to expect to be treated that way. Just like the rest of us, officers don’t like feeling disrespected. Just like the rest of us, officers have bad days. Just like the rest of us, officers can over-react. We owe it to our children to tell them the ways that police officers are just like the rest of us, and to tell them about the ways that they are not.
Lew Tremaine has covered numerous police agencies in Marin County as a journalist. He has been involved in the hiring of two police chiefs in Fairfax, once as an activist/police watchdog on a citizen’s committee and the other as Mayor of the town.
Is it a gun? Is it a knife? Is it a wallet? This is your life… In 1999 the ever eloquent Bruce Springstein wrote a song, American Skin, about a police-involved shooting. It has become an anthem against excessive force by officers. But, in it he included the above passage. It describes how officers are trained to think when they perceive danger to themselves or the public. In 1999, officer involved shootings were rare. Today it is a different story. We have become inundated with stories about police
Politeness. Respect. Cooperation. Calm. These are four behaviors important to remember during an official police contact.
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officers’ use of force and officer-involved shootings on the local news recently. In the month of February 2015, there were 37 officer-involved shootings nation-wide. Eight of them were in California, and six of those occurred in the Bay Area – two involved men under the age of 24. In January 2015, there were two officer-involved shootings, one a “Blue Suicide”. Of the six Bay Area officer-involved shootings this year, none involved a victim in possession of a gun. Within the past two years, two such incidents have hit close to home for North Bay residents. In 2013, an unarmed Marin City man was shot and wounded by a Marin Sheriff’s Deputy. and, a 12 year-old Santa Rasa boy was shot and killed by a Sonoma Sheriff’s Deputy. The boy was carrying an air-soft gun that resembled an AK-47. The latter incident came one day after a well-publicized school shooting in Sparks NV, in which a 12 year-old classmate killed two students with a semi-automatic handgun. The Sonoma County Deputy was cleared of wrongdoing. The Marin Deputy was relieved of duty. In each of the Bay Area incidents there was public outrage 4
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and sensational press coverage. The press and the public asked the same questions: “Why don’t officers shoot to wound?” “Why didn’t the officer try to disarm the suspect?” The answer, like it or not, is that they are not trained that way. All police officers are trained to, first and foremost, protect the public and themselves in the face of a weapon (or a perceived one). At the moment they determine that a life and death situation is at hand, they are trained to pull their service weapon and warn the suspect. If that doesn’t resolve the situation, they are trained to end the life or death situation. There is no shooting to wound. Every office is trained that firing their service weapon is a last resort and that this last resort requires that the officer shoot to kill. Similarly, officers are trained to meet resistance with force. If words don’t defuse the situation, they are trained to subdue the suspect. All officers are trained this way. Because at the start of an officer’s career, it is impossible to know if he or she will spend his or her career in a sleepy Marin or Sonoma community, or in a big city where violent crime is common. So, they are trained for the latter. Recent events, such as the shooting of two NYPD officers who were just sitting in their car, or the threats against the San Leandro Police department by an Oakland gang, make an argument for the state of police training in 2015. This is neither the article, nor the publication to debate officer training. But it is important for adults and children to know how officers are trained. It should inform us as to how we relate to officers in the community. The aforementioned Springstein song contains three excellent pieces of advise, for adults and kids alike:
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…Elaina gets her son ready for school. She says, “On these streets Charles, you’ve got to understand the rules. “If an officer stops you “Promise me, you’ll always be polite “And that you’ll never, ever run away “And promise momma you’ll keep your hands in sight.” Politeness. Respect. Cooperation. Calm. These are four behaviors important to remember during an official police contact. And they are four important behaviors to pass on to the children in our care. One final tip: take the time to let your kids experience unofficial police
contact. Take them down to the local PD and let them meet officers in a friendly setting. Teach them to smile and say hello when they pass an officer on the beat. Let them experience the people who are sworn to protect them in their communities in a positive light. As adults, let us model appropriate behavior in official and unofficial settings. Talk to your kids about the police. Teach your kids to be careful, but don’t teach them to be afraid. It’s one of those, “Must Have” conversations.
From the Director’s Corner Spring is the time of year when new and exciting things begin to bloom and at APPLE FamilyWorks we are beginning to see the fruits of our labors. Several new programs are being rolled out that we are very excited to present to the community; MindMatters employs Cognitive Behavioral Techniques to help participants increase their energy and positive outlook by practicing mindfulness and positive psychology skills. EASE uses a variety of evidence-based emotional regulation techniques to help people manage their anxiety, trauma, and depression. HeartMath connects heart and science in ways that empower people to greatly reduce stress, build resilience, and unlock their natural intuitive guidance for making better choices. In addition to our new projects, we are kicking off our signature event, Film Night in the Park an event that promotes family togetherness -- the key to the healthy development of children. Spending an evening with family and friends, watching classic films under the stars is heartwarming and promotes exactly what we try to bring to all families through our many services. In addition to our new activities, we continue to offer specialized programs including parenting workshops, individual, couples, and family therapy, and life
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skills education for developmentally disabled adults in 11 counties. And what about that seal? Did you know APPLE FamilyWorks’ Best in America certification is awarded to the top 3% of non-profit’s nationwide for highest standards of public accountability, program effectiveness and cost-effectiveness? We are proud to be a recipient of this award from Independent Charities of America and take great pride in the work we do. APPLE FamilyWorks is always looking for partners to support our new community based initiatives. If you are interested in helping us to support these projects, please consider volunteering, partnering, or making a financial investment. For more information on how you can get involved, contact me at michael@familyworks.org
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Your Positive Parenting Checklist: 17 Ways to Parent More Consciously by Dottie DeHart
We have the best intentions, but most of us parent on autopilot more than we’d like. Here, Marianna S. Klebanov, JD, shares 17 (doable!) ways to bring more consciousness to your parenting.
indictments! You might even find it helpful to print this list out and post it on the fridge or bathroom mirror as a daily tickler.”) • Stop spanking. Many of us grew up being spanked, and it’s an easy response when a child is misbehaving. “While spanking can get the desired results in the short term, the truth is, there are no long-term benefits, and it can lead to quite a few issues down the road, including adversely impacting cognitive development and behavior,” Klebanov comments.
As parents, most of us have the right intentions, but in the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s difficult to parent positively. As a result, a lot of our interactions with our kids are reactive. According to Marianna S. Klebanov, JD, it’s important to become more aware of our parenting behaviors. “Just like professional development and getting your finances in order, becoming a more conscious parent involves identifying areas in which you need to improve and keeping those goals at the front of your mind,” says Klebanov, coauthor along with Adam D. Travis of The Critical Role of Parenting in Human Development. “It’s never too late for us to become more intentional about how we do and don’t want to be when we’re with our children.” Here, she shares a list of 17 things you can do to parent more consciously. (“Remember, no parent is perfect, and we all make mistakes,” she reminds. “These items are meant to be gentle reminders, not 6
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• Stop fighting in front of the kids. To be clear, Klebanov isn’t referring to basic constructive arguing, which can serve as a good lesson to youngsters, but to arguments that involve put-downs, namecalling, insults, or threats. “This is a negative, destructive communication pattern you don’t want to model to your children,” Klebanov comments. “Seeing parents fight is incredibly stressful to kids and can spark feelings of fear and anxiety that last long after mom and dad have made up.” • Model kindness and compassion. We all say we want to raise kids who are kind and compassionate—but be honest: How often do you demonstrate those values in action? “Kids notice things like whether you’re nice or rude to the cashier, whether you help or ignore others who are less fortunate, and how you respond when someone makes a mistake,” Klebanov notes. “The values that stick will be the ones you live, not the ones you preach about.” • Back away from teasing, yelling, and threatening. To your child, these behaviors are demeaning and sometimes frightening. And long-term, they negatively affect kids’ self-esteem, social skills, and even academic skills. “It’s important to limit your expressions of anger toward your kids, especially for behaviors that are developmentally appropriate— even if they make you feel frustrated or angry,” Klebanov says. “Go to therapy if necessary.” • Lovingly respond to your baby’s cries. Science has shown that a caregiver’s signals and availability are critical in infancy because they directly impact the child’s healthy emotional and psychological development. “Even if you’re tired, busy, or frustrated, it’s very important to promptly respond to your baby’s distress in a positive, supportive, understanding, and compassionate way. Don’t leave infants to cry.” • Criticize less. Parental criticism comes from a good place. We want our children to learn, improve, Magazine
develop good habits, avoid mistakes, and generally be the best they can be. But we don’t always stop to consider the impact our criticism has on their selfimage and confidence. “Strive to be more sensitive of what you’re criticizing, how often you’re criticizing, and whether or not it’s constructive or destructive,” Klebanov advises. • Hug and kiss more. When parents are affectionate and loving, it positively affects children’s mental health, as well as their social and emotional development. “So hug and kiss your children as much as possible, as long as they’ll let you,” comments Klebanov. • Give them the responsibilities and freedoms they’ve earned. You may want your kids to stay little forever, but they’re growing physically, emotionally, and psychologically every day. Even if it’s bittersweet for you, give them privileges and responsibilities that are appropriate for their ages and maturity levels. • Spend more time with family members—even those you don’t particularly like. Children deserve positive and meaningful relationships with their family members—even those you’d rather not spend time with. (For instance, if you’re divorced, allow your children to spend time with your ex and your ex’s family, if your kids so desire.)
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• To improve behavior, use rewards more and punishments less. Rewards create positive connections in a child’s mind because they link good behavior with happiness, unlike punishmentbased discipline, which instead trains them to behave out of fear. “Remember that parental praise is an important reward, too,” Klebanov says. • Spend more positive time with your kids on their terms. Don’t forget that your kids are unique human beings with their own interests, abilities, and strengths—many of which may differ from yours! “Help your kids develop their interests and compliment them frequently for their efforts and successes,” Klebanov recommends. “Care about and support your kids’ friendships, too, and their happiness in general.” • Think about your own childhood more. Take a mental journey back in time. What was happening during your childhood when you were the age your child is now? Are you acting or sounding just like your parent in a way you aren’t proud of? Are proud of? Are you projecting your childhood experiences onto your own child? “Address your own childhood problems and traumas in therapy,” Klebanov instructs. • Be more aware of the example you’re setting. “Pay closer attention to the example you’re setting when you’re actively parenting and when your attention is on other things,” Klebanov notes. “Be
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the best role model possible. Always look in the mirror before judging your kids’ behaviors.” Read, read, and read some more. “Read to your kids often when they are young and model reading as they get older,” Klebanov recommends. “Share your favorite stories with them and allow them to explore their reading interests. Reading together will boost their brain development and strengthen your bond.” Parent with a better understanding of your child’s stage in life. Children’s behavior can sometimes be baffling and frustrating to their parents. That’s why it’s important to have a basic understanding of each of your kids’ developmental stages and to be understanding. “Be grateful for their curiosity, not impatient with it,” Klebanov advises. “Understand the significance of their learning and brain development. Encourage and support their efforts to talk, walk, learn, and develop—yes, even after the 500th question of the day!” Spoil them more. Within the structure of appropriate limits, give your kids a sense of plenty. “Don’t be afraid of spoiling your kids,” Klebanov says. “Love begets love.” Share your interests with your children. If you love tennis, take your kids to the court and teach them how to play. If you enjoy painting, create a masterpiece with your little ones. “Teaching your kids about things in a positive manner and exposing them to your interests is a very important and positive part
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Rewards create positive connections in a child’s mind because they link good behavior with happiness, unlike punishment-based discipline, which instead trains them to behave out of fear. of being a parent. And who knows? You may spark a lifelong passion or hobby in them!”
relating to child welfare and family violence. She writes a column for Examiner.com on issues relating to parenting, child abuse prevention, and brain development. In addition, she serves on the Board of Directors and on the Executive Committee of Family and Children Services, a large nonprofit organization focusing on mental health services. Klebanov chairs the organization’s Program Committee, overseeing the board’s relationship with the organization’s mental health and counseling programs. She is the legislative liaison to the Board of Supervisors for the Juvenile Justice Commission and serves on the Child Abuse Prevention Council. Klebanov graduated with honors from Berkeley with a bachelor’s degree in linguistics and earned her JD from the University of California at Hastings, where she served as a journal editor. To learn more, please visit www. anewconversationonparenting.com.
“Always remember that the goal of parenting is to create happy, healthy, moral, successful, positively contributing adults—not to have a convenient child for you in the present,” Klebanov concludes. “If you keep this principle in mind as you parent, you’ll find that the best path to take becomes much clearer.”
In “Parenting Today” classes, APPLE FamilyWorks’ Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) certified, expert parenting instructors will teach you positive and peaceful techniques to promote harmony in your home. Call 415-492-0720 to register.
About Marianna Klebanov: Marianna S. Klebanov, JD, is the coauthor of The Critical Role of Parenting in Human Development. She works as an attorney with a specialty in matters
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Meri Hayos Joins APPLE Staff Plans to serve those with life-threatening illnesses and the LGBTQ community by Lew Tremaine Fresh from completing a three-and-a-half-year internship with the APPLE FamilyWorks Therapist Training Institute, Meri Hayos has joined the APPLE licensed MFT team . She will join APPLE’s Founder Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MFT and Psychotherapy Training Institute Director Pat Saunders, MA, MFT. Meri received her Masters in Science from Dominican University in May of 2013. She completed her Marriage and Family Therapist exams the first week of March, 2015. A two-time cancer survior, Meri intends to focus much of her practice on providing emotional support for those with life-threatening and chronic illnesses. “People with a life-threatening illness tend to focus on the crisis needs,” Meri explains. “They don’t pay much attention to their emotional needs.” During her second bout with cancer, Meri attended the Commonweal week-long Cancer Help Retreat in West Marin. Since her recovery, she has volunteered with Commonweal, trying to bring emotional support to cancer sufferers in other parts of the county. She says that she noticed a need for more emotional support programs for those with life-threatening conditions. “I plan to start with a needs assessment of emotional support programs. I suspect that there are not a lot of services like that in Marin. But at the same time, I don’t want to duplicate something that already exists.” Meri believes that her work will have tremendous crossover for memebrs of the community with chronic illness, as well. Another focus of Meri’s practice will be to provide counseling and emotional support for the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender and Questioning community in Marin. She says it is important for members of the LGTBQ community to receive counseling and therapy in a safe space, one that they are confident is accepting. “I feel like the community needs more ‘out’ therapists,” she explains. Meri spent the first 25 years of her career as a Human Resources attorney. The work was financially rewarding, but not spiritually fulfilling. 10
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“When I got cancer, it made me look at my life and how I could make it more meaningful. As an undergraduate in college, I majored in psychology, but when I graduated, I realized that I wasn’t personally ready to become a therapist. So I went to law school instead. “After 25 years I guess I got bored with law, and as I looked at what would be more meaningful, I realized I was ready to get back to my first calling. I really have come full-circle.” “Another benefit of my legal experience is that I will be able to contribute to the high conflict family therapy cases that APPLE has specialized in for a long time. My experience as a mediator will be helpful,” she continues. “I liked the broad spectrum of training that I received as an APPLE intern,” she concluded. “APPLE has a very good reputation as an intern site. Pat, Mary Jane and Lenore (Cantrel, APPLE’s Contract Intern Supervisor) are great supervisors. “Why does anyone stay in a place? It’s the people.”
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UPDATE 20 Years of Compassion
AFW is Gearing Up for Film Night In the Park 2015 The 2015 film line-up for Film Night in the Park has been set and the parks have been chosen for the coming season. APPLE FamilyWorks is planning to show films between June 12 and September 11 at the Contrati Ball Field in Downtown Fairfax and at Creek Park in Downtown San Anselmo. APPLE FamilyWorks puts on Film Night in the Park because we believe that events that promote family togetherness are key to the healthy development of children. Spending an evening with family and friends, watching classic films under the stars is heartwarming and promotes exactly what we are trying to bring all families through our many services. Precise dates have yet to be approved by the Fairfax and San Anselmo Town Councils. A committee including the Film Night Crew and APPLE FamilyWorks staff, has picked the following 16 films for the season. All 16 are the edited versions and appropriate for families. The 2015 films include: • Perfect Pitch • Hook • Groundhog Day • Men in Black • Box Trolls • Toy Story • The Incredibles • Pacific Rim • Gurdians of the Galaxie • Big Hero 6 • The Lego Movie • The Never Ending Story • Star Trek: Into Darkness • Bedknobs & Broomsticks • Raiders of the Lost Ark Film Night is looking for volunteer crew members for both venues. Anyone interested in pitching in should contact Candy Fraser at 415-492-0720. Film Night is also looking for businesses to sponsor the 2015 season. Please contact Michael Diehl at 415-492-0720 x 229 to contribute. Magazine
APPLE FamilyWorks Health Educator Dave Roach Celebrated 20 years working in our Developmental Disabilities Program during a DD staff gathering on February 19th, 2015, at the APPLE FamilyWorks San Rafael Offices. Dave received a commemorative plaque from Executive Director Michael Diehl to mark the occasion. Dave is one of 26 Health Educators who provide parenting and life skills coaching to clients of the four Bay Area Regional Centers. Dave works in the East Bay and San Francisco. AFW Health Educators currently serve over 100 families in Marin, Sonoma, Napa, Solano, San Francisco, Contra Costa, Alameda, San Mateo, Santa Clara, Santa Cruz and Monterey counties.
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Adult and Family Therapy We are here to help you to reach your goals, to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family.
Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, personcentered, humanistic, narrative, therapy, AEDP, and EFT.
Support Groups EASE Reduce stress and find paths to peace with the effective and practical technique of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). Call 415-492-0720 for dates.
MindMatters
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Manage mind and mood using mindfulness and scientifically proven CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) tools. With the support of a skilled facilitator, make 2015 a year of promise and positive experiences. Groups meet for eight, 90 minute weekly sessions. Call 415-492-0720 for dates.
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Parenting Classes and Counseling Reduce tension and frustration. Build cooperation and respect.
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ÂœÂˆÂ˜ĂŠĂ•ĂƒĂŠÂˆÂ˜ĂŠĂŒÂ…ÂˆĂƒĂŠvĂ•Â˜ĂŠ>˜`ĂŠÂˆÂ˜ĂŒiĂ€>VĂŒÂˆĂ›iĂŠVÂ?>ĂƒĂƒÂ°ĂŠ i>Â˜ĂŠÂˆÂ˜Â˜ÂœĂ›>ĂŒÂˆĂ›i]ĂŠ practical and effective skills . UĂŠ ˜VĂ€i>ĂƒiĂŠVÂœÂœÂŤiĂ€>ĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ĂŠĂŠĂŠ ĂŠ UĂŠ ˜…>˜ViĂŠ`ÂˆĂƒVÂˆÂŤÂ?ˆ˜iĂŠEĂŠĂƒÂœVˆ>Â?ĂŠĂƒÂŽÂˆÂ?Â?ĂƒĂŠ UĂŠ ˜Â?ÂœĂžĂŠĂŒÂˆÂ“iĂŠĂœÂˆĂŒÂ…ĂŠĂžÂœĂ•Ă€ĂŠv>“ˆÂ?ÞÊÊÊ ĂŠ Topics include: UĂŠ iVˆ`ˆ˜}ĂŠĂžÂœĂ•Ă€ĂŠ}Âœ>Â?ĂƒĂŠ>˜`ĂŠÂŤĂ€ÂˆÂ˜VÂˆÂŤÂ?iĂƒĂŠĂŠ UĂŠ/>“ˆ˜}ĂŠÂş ÂˆÂ˜ÂœĂŠ Ă€>ÂˆÂ˜ÂťĂŠLiÂ…>Ă›ÂˆÂœĂ€ĂŠĂŠ UĂŠ1ĂƒÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠĂŒÂ…iĂŠÂş iĂœĂŠ/ˆ“iĂŠ"Ă•ĂŒÂťĂŠĂŠ ĂŠ UĂŠ ÂˆĂ›ÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠivviVĂŒÂˆĂ›iĂŠ`ÂˆĂ€iVĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ĂƒĂŠ ĂŠ UĂŠ-iĂŒĂŒÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠVÂ?i>ÀÊVÂœÂ˜Ăƒi¾Õi˜ViĂƒĂŠ ĂŠ
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UĂŠ,iViÂˆĂ›iĂŠĂ€iĂƒÂŤiVĂŒĂŠEĂŠ>ÂŤÂŤĂ€iVˆ>ĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ĂŠ ĂŠ UĂŠ iĂŒĂŠVÂ…ÂœĂ€iĂƒĂŠEĂŠÂ…ÂœÂ“iĂœÂœĂ€ÂŽĂŠVÂœÂ“ÂŤÂ?iĂŒi` UĂŠ iĂŠ>ĂŒĂŠÂŤi>ViĂŠEĂŠi˜Â?ÂœĂžĂŠ>`Ă•Â?ĂŒĂŠ>VĂŒÂˆĂ›ÂˆĂŒÂˆiĂƒĂŠ UĂŠĂŠ vviVĂŒÂˆĂ›iĂŠ ÂˆĂƒĂŒi˜ˆ˜} UĂŠĂŠ/Ă•Ă€Â˜ÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠÂœÂŤÂŤÂœĂƒÂˆĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ĂŠÂˆÂ˜ĂŒÂœĂŠVÂœÂœÂŤiĂ€>ĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ UĂŠĂŠ Â˜ÂœĂœÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠ>LˆÂ?ÂˆĂŒÂˆiĂƒĂŠEĂŠ/i“iĂ€>“iÂ˜ĂŒĂŠ UĂŠĂŠ ÂŤÂŤÂ?ĂžÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠÂş7Â…i˜°°°/Â…iÂ˜Âť UĂŠĂŠ Ă€i>ĂŒÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠVÂ…>Ă€ĂŒĂƒĂŠEĂŠĂ€iˆ˜vÂœĂ€Vi“iÂ˜ĂŒĂƒ
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Co-Parenting Today Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony >˜`ĂŠÂŽiiÂŤĂŠV…ˆÂ?`Ă€iÂ˜ĂŠÂşÂœĂ•ĂŒĂŠÂœvĂŠĂŒÂ…iĂŠÂ“Âˆ``Â?iÂť]ĂŠĂœÂ…ÂˆÂ?iĂŠĂŒÂ…iĂŠV…ˆÂ?`Ă€iÂ˜ĂŠĂ€i“>ÂˆÂ˜ĂŠÂˆÂ˜ĂŠi>VÂ…ĂŠÂŤ>Ă€iÂ˜ĂŒÂ˝ĂƒĂŠ life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: UĂŠ >˜>}iĂŠVÂœÂ˜ĂƒĂŒ>Â˜ĂŒÂ?ĂžĂŠĂƒÂ…ÂˆvĂŒÂˆÂ˜} UĂŠ,i`Ă•ViĂŠ>˜Ă?ˆiĂŒĂžĂŠ>˜`ĂŠ`iÂŤĂ€iĂƒĂƒÂˆÂœÂ˜ schedules UĂŠ i>Â?ĂŠĂœÂˆĂŒÂ…ĂŠi>VÂ…ĂŠÂœĂŒÂ…iÀÊÀiĂƒÂŤiVĂŒvĂ•Â?Â?Ăž UĂŠ-ĂŒÂœÂŤĂŠĂŒ>Â˜ĂŒĂ€Ă•Â“ĂƒĂŠ>˜`ĂŠ`>Ăœ`Â?ˆ˜} UĂŠ ˜VĂ€i>ĂƒiĂŠVÂœÂœÂŤiĂ€>ĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ UĂŠ iĂƒÂˆ}Â˜ĂŠVÂœÂ˜Ăƒi¾Õi˜ViĂƒĂŠĂŒÂ…>ĂŒĂŠĂœÂœĂ€ÂŽ UĂŠ >ÂŽiĂŠVÂœÂ‡ÂŤ>Ă€iÂ˜ĂŒÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠ`iVÂˆĂƒÂˆÂœÂ˜ĂƒĂŠV>Â?“Â?Ăž UĂŠ ˜`ÊÀÕ`i˜iĂƒĂƒĂŠEĂŠL>VÂŽĂŒ>Â?ÂŽ UĂŠ ÂˆĂ›Âˆ`iĂŠV…ˆÂ?`‡Ài>Ă€ÂˆÂ˜}ĂŠĂŒ>ĂƒÂŽĂƒĂŠiÂľĂ•ÂˆĂŒ>LÂ?Ăž
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Spring 2015
15
Your Two Year-old DOES Need a Nap From wellrestedbaby.com
New findings were released in February in the Archives of Disease in Childhood which state that napping at age two and beyond, may interfere with the quality and duration of your child’s night time sleep. Different links to the news are splashed all over Facebook and Twitter, sending many parents into a tizzy questioning if their child is still in need of a nap. My response is YES, your two year old absolutely is still in need of a nap.
The Stats: First, lets look at some statistics thanks to our favorite sleep guy Dr. Marc Weissbluth: • At 24 months, 95% of children are taking 1 nap/day and 5% are taking 2 naps/day. The average total duration of naps is 2.3 hours and the range is 1-4 hours. 99% of children nap between 1.5-3.5 hours. Nap duration is largely under genetic control. • At 36 months of age, 92% of children are napping one 16
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nap/day. 80% of children who nap are napping between 1.5-2.5 hours. • Dr. Weissbluth further explains that napping is less influenced by genetics than parenting practices. So what does that mean? It means that those children who are napping may be kids who need more sleep, but they definitely have parents who have decided that napping is still important and have made it a part of the everyday routine.
Does Napping Sacrifice the Quality of Night Time Sleep? This quote appeared in a today.com article about these findings – “The evidence suggests that beyond the age of two years, when cessation of napping becomes more common, daytime sleep is associated with shorter and more disrupted night sleep,” says Karen Thorpe, a professor in development science at Queensland University of Tech-
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nology in Australia. The problem with this “evidence” is that we do not know when these children were napping, when their parents were putting them to bed, and what their sleep environment resembled. These are all important factors to consider before making such a bold statement. Both naptime and bedtime need to occur at the correct biological time for a child’s age in order for a child to get their optimal sleep. At age two, a mid-day nap should occur around 12:301pm as this is the timing that corresponds to their circadian rhythm when their sleep drive is at it’s peak during daytime hours. At this age, it is common for a child to nap from about 1-3pm and then fall fast asleep by 7-7:30pm in sync with their natural melatonin onset. We sometimes see that 2-4 year olds who take very long naps (say from 1-4pm) have a tough time falling asleep at their bedtime and therefore have a harder night. However, if these long nappers have their nap capped (are awoken) at 3-3:30pm, all is well with bedtime again and they are still able to get in quality daytime sleep. But if your child is not on the correct schedule, and is not starting their nap until say 2-3pm, and is then sleeping till 4-5pm, of course they are going to be heading off to bed too late. They will then be falling asleep at an hour that is too late for their biological clock and then yes, there will nighttime woes. So back to Dr. Weissbluth’s point above, it would seem that any night time issues that may arise at age two that occur “because a child napped,” are likely due to parenting practices rather than the child’s sleep needs, as the parent likely has the child on an incorrect schedule for their age. Further supporting disbelief in these findings, in this same today.com article above, it states “the articles analyzed in the new report were not top-of-the-line studies, meaning that children weren’t randomly assigned to take naps and often the children weren’t observed firsthand.” Hmmm. Karen Thorpe then goes on to say, “Daytime sleep is not a response to poor night sleep, but rather precedes poor night sleep.” Whoa, hold on there Karen. It is a well-documented fact, that a child who goes to bed in a well-rested state has an easier time falling asleep and staying asleep through the night. Conversely, a child who goes to bed in an overtired state (think with no nap) has a very hard time settling at bedtime and has frequent night wakings. Why? Because when we become overtired, our bodies release the hormones cortisol, adrenaline and noradrenaline to keep us going. This has the immediate impact of creating a second wind and reeking havoc on a child’s bedtime, but
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if it happens regularly these hormones build up in their body and cause the nighttime wakings. So if anything, poor daytime sleep precedes poor nighttime sleep.
The Studies: Recent research shows that naps provide toddlers and preschoolers with powerful ammunition to be at their best both emotionally and intellectually. • For example, this study from the University of Colorado Boulder measured the sleep patterns of children aged two to three and a half and found that for toddlers “missing even a single nap causes them to be less positive, more negative and have decreased cognitive engagement.” The studies author, Assistant Professor Monique LeBourgeois, further explains “This study shows insufficient sleep in the form of missing a nap taxes the way toddlers express different feelings, and, over time, may shape their developing emotional brains and put them at risk for lifelong, mood-related problems.” • Researchers at the University of Massachusetts found that naptime for preschoolers allows them to better process and remember the information they learn in school. One group of students napped after a memory game while the other group was kept awake following the game. The children who slept approximately 77 minutes were able to remember 75% of what they learned – a full 10% more than the children who did not nap. Before you decide that your two year old no longer needs a mid-day snooze, think about all it does to help them be their best.
In Closing: If your two year old is going through sleep woes, it is NOT because he is ready to drop his nap. He is either going through a behavioral or developmental period or his schedule has slipped too late. The best thing you can do is to make sure naptime and bedtime are happening at the correct time and then stick with your usual routine and do not change anything.
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APPLE FamilyWorks offers individual parenting counseling, in which you can receive child development advise specific to your children’s ages and stages. Call 415-492-0720 to register.
Spring 2015
17
Tips for Playdates Among Kids of All Abilities –
Including Kids with Special Needs By: Cara N. Koscinski MOT, OTR/L, The Pocket Occupational Therapist
Playdates are beneficial for ALL children to practice critical social skills on which future relationships will be built. The benefits of playdates include: increasing confidence; improving social decision making; and practicing skills in an adult supervised yet natural setting. Playing together allows kids to be a part of the action vs. being quiet observers. Play typically develops in a natural progression, from individual play to parallel play (when children play next to each other), and finally to interactive/ social reciprocal play. Many parents of children who are typically developing and those with special needs set up playdates to encourage the building of critical skills and friendships. The most important lesson learned from playing with a variety of children is that EVERY child is different and special! Throughout life, we meet and interact with people of all shapes, sizes, and abilities and learning from each other can truly enhance our life. Here are some tried and true tips I recommend for setting up playdates with children who are on the autism spectrum: • Practice playing. It may be hard to believe, but the act of playing doesn’t come naturally to some kids. For example, children with autism often have difficulty with taking turns, having conversation, and interpreting nonverbal gestures. Practicing and explaining this to your child may help him to feel more comfortable. Together, discuss 18
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strategies that can be used to help facilitate play. What is a facial expression? Make different faces and ask your child to guess your emotion. • Find children with common interests? Teachers are amazingly insightful and may provide wonderful help to identify the children who tend to play together and enjoy similar interests. Volunteer in your child’s classroom to see who your child is interested in playing with. Additionally, birthday parties are great opportunities to observe those children who may be a good match for a playdate. Clubs and activities allow children with similar interests to enjoy each other’s company. My son showed an early interest
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in chess. I often arrived early to pick him up from chess club and to determine who showed interest in my son. The same is true for Lego club, music classes, art, or sports. • Ask questions. Remember that parents of children with special needs are used to answering questions about their children and are often quite comfortable discussing ways to help create successful social interactions. Also, be mindful that many families’ schedules are busy but a child with special needs may have additional appointments for therapy, medical, and developmental concerns. Be flexible in scheduling and do not be offended if the playdate needs to be re-scheduled. • Shared interests can make a playdate successful. Identify what the children have in common. Build activities upon mutual interests. So, set up Legos and build Angry Birds or Minecraft structures. If the children like the same movie, set up puzzles, art, baking, or sensory play based on the movie. Consider meeting at a location such as a park or museum. Siblings should not be a part of the playdate to allow for targeted friendship building between the two participants. Make a plan and then review it with both children who are participating. At the beginning, explain what the playdate will look like: First, we will work on a puzzle, and then a snack, etc. Many children who have special needs benefit from a visual schedule and knowing exactly what is coming up next. ALL of us enjoy predictability and feel more confident with a specific plan in place. However, be flexible if any difficulties or disagreements arise. • Consider food allergies and sensitivities. When planning a snack, contact the other child’s parent to determine which foods are safe for both children. It can be very meaningful for the other parent and is a critical step to avoiding potential life-threatening reactions to foods. Do not be offended if the children do not eat what is set out for snack. The kids may just be too excited to eat! • Be mindful of any physical limitations. For example, many children with sensory issues do not prefer to get messy, dirty or wet but they can be super at doing other things such as building or creating. It’s always a sensitive topic to talk about someone’s weaknesses, instead ask, “What is Billy great at doing?” • Provide adult supervision and support throughout the playdate. Since children of all abilities have different personalities, disagreements may arise. Consider ways to resolve conflicts such as asking both kids to take five deep breaths or closing their eyes and counting to ten. Make sure to ask the other parent which strategies are used when their child becomes stressed or upset. Preparation is a key ingreMagazine
dient in successful interaction when facilitating a playdate. • Begin with short playdates of an hour. Keep the first playtimes shorter until the children become more comfortable with each other. Consider having more short yet frequent play times with the same friend since relationships can take time to build. It’s important to end on a good note. So, if the children are in any type of conflict, help to facilitate a peaceful ending. • There is NO such thing as a perfect playdate! Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Both typically developing kids and children with special needs are learning while practicing play and social skills. When learning a skill, we all make mistakes. Our children benefit from every social interaction opportunity. Give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy watching new friendships bloom and develop. APPLE FamilyWorks’ in-home Parenting Support in Independent Living Skills coaches serve special needs adults and children in nine Northern California counties. Visit familyworks.org for more information.
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19
Encourage an Attitude of Gratitude in Our Children by Monisha Vasa, M.D.
My brain knows that gratitude is important. I know when I am in a state of gratitude--aware of my blessings, small and big, I feel happier and less alone. I feel more connected to the people around me, and my life experiences. I feel in my body a life force greater than myself. But my heart can find it difficult to stay in a sustained place of gratitude. Rather, it is a practice of reminding myself over and over, to start, over and over. Sometimes that means making lists of things I am grateful for at the end of each day, or at least at the end of the week. Sometimes that means taking a deep, conscious breath before I get out of bed and put my feet on the floor. I am learning to practice gratitude as an adult. But what would it be like if we could introduce the concept of gratitude to our children when they are young? If gratitude just became a part of their vocabulary, a daily habit like brushing their teeth or eating dinner? If they can experience the magic of gratitude early, perhaps the practice wouldn’t feel so challenging or foreign to them. Here are five steps to encourage an attitude of gratitude in our children: Start with cultivating your own gratitude practice: If we believe in the value of being thankful for all that we are blessed with, our vision starts to shift. We start to see the potential value or gift, even in difficult life experiences. Children tend to follow what we do, even more than what we say. If our children see us connected and thankful, that energy will flow downstream towards them. Vocalize gratitude as part of an everyday conversation: Say it out loud. “I really appreciate being able to watch you play in your soccer game.” Or, “We are so fortunate to have and share this meal together.” Making it a point to express our thankfulness out loud can increase our joint awareness. The more we say it aloud, the more we feel it in our bones. Discover gratitude even for the small things: Children inherently are excited about both little and big things in life. Encourage gratitude for the small, mundane parts 20
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of life, not just the exciting Disney World moments. As we adults know, much of life is a day in, day out, routine. The trick is to see the beauty and wonder even in another day at work, or another morning of dropping the kids off to school. Sometimes, on difficult days, all we might be grateful for is another day on this Earth, or the beating of our heart. That is more than enough. Encourage downtime for reflection: If we are moving at breakneck speed, it is hard to slow down enough to notice what there is to be grateful for. Noticing is the first step towards counting our blessings. Encourage lots of time for quiet, rest, and reflection. A good time is the end of the day, perhaps before or after a night time story. Ask your children questions about the enjoyable and difficult parts of their day, the “highs” and the “lows.” This can encourage a dialogue about both gratitude, as well as the struggles they are currently experiencing. Acknowledge the reality of their emotional experience: Kids, just like adults, won’t feel grateful for everything, all the time. It is a practice for all of us. Sometimes, we need to feel through the anger and sorrow of an experience,
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before we can come to a place of gratitude. Otherwise, our gratitude becomes hollow, artificial. Allow your children to feel what they feel, with adequate time and space. When the time feels right, see if there is an opportunity to include gratitude in the conversation. Perhaps our practice of gratitude is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves. We start to see all that is alive and breathing in our world, all of the collective energy and wisdom we are a part of. Whether we are grateful for our breath or another day, or whether we are grateful for a vacation or a yoga class, it is all important. We notice our life, and all of the details, and allow that noticing to sink into our lived experience. If we can start this practice and conversation early, with our children, we take advantage of their young, resilient minds. Gratitude becomes something we share with them, deepening our understanding of them, and deepening our connection to them. More than that, we can encourage
The trick is to see the beauty and wonder even in another day at work, or another morning of dropping the kids off to school. Sometimes, on difficult days, all we might be grateful for is another day on this Earth, or the beating of our heart. That is more than enough. Magazine
skills that will last them a lifetime, enhancing their own sense of wellness in this world. Monisha Vasa, M.D. is a board certified General and Addiction Psychiatrist in private practice. She resides in Orange County, CA with her husband, two beloved children and two English Bulldogs. Dr. Vasa is the author of the new non-fiction children’s book, My Dearest One. For more information, please visit www.mindful-healing.com
In “Parenting Today” classes, APPLE FamilyWorks’ Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) certified, expert parenting instructors will teach you positive and peaceful techniques to help you get the behavior you want from your kids. Call 415-492-0720 to register.
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Grief Support Weekend for youth ages 6–17 who have lost someone close to them Located in the Sonoma redwoods, Camp Erin® combines traditional camp fun with support in coping with loss.
Hospice by the Bay s (415) 230.6310 camperin@hbtb.org s www.hbtb.org
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Mike’s
parents were upset and worried
Mike had become defiant and aggressive, especially toward his younger brother. His refusal to go to school distressed his parents. (He had not told them he was being bullied at school.) After reading FamilyWorks Magazine, his mother called APPLE FamilyWorks and scheduled family counseling, as well as individual counseling for Mike. She and her husband enrolled in the Parenting Today series.
Mike now manages his school relationships. Mike’s parents learned skills to help both their sons be more cooperative and caring.
Donate today to build strong families and help them thrive! There are several ways you can support APPLE FamilyWorks to help make a difference in the lives of Marin County residents. 1) Make a donation at familyworks.orgĂŠLÞÊVÂ?ˆVŽˆ˜}ĂŠĂŒÂ…iĂŠÂş œ˜>ĂŒiĂŠ ÂœĂœÂťĂŠĂŒ>L°Ê 2) >ˆÂ?ĂŠĂžÂœĂ•Ă€ĂŠ`œ˜>ĂŒÂˆÂœÂ˜ĂŠĂŒÂœĂŠ ** ĂŠ >“ˆÂ?Ăž7ÂœĂ€ÂŽĂƒ]ĂŠ{ĂŠ ÂœĂƒiÂŤÂ…ĂŠ ÂœĂ•Ă€ĂŒ]ĂŠ->Â˜ĂŠ,>v>iÂ?ĂŠ CA 94903. 3) Become a sponsor of FamilyWorks Magazine. For more information e-mail michael@familyworks.org. {ÂŽĂŠ iVœ“iĂŠ>ĂŠ ˆÂ?“Ê ˆ}Â…ĂŒĂŠ-Ă•ÂŤÂŤÂœĂ€ĂŒiĂ€ĂŠĂŒÂœĂŠÂ…iÂ?ÂŤĂŠÂŤĂ€ÂœĂ›Âˆ`iĂŠv>“ˆÂ?ˆiĂƒ]ĂŠvĂ€Âˆi˜`ĂƒĂŠ>˜`ĂŠ neighbors the opportunity to gather in beautiful outdoor settings, ĂŠĂŠĂŠĂŠi˜Â?ÂœĂžĂŠÂľĂ•>Â?ÂˆĂŒĂžĂŠÂ“ÂœĂ›ÂˆiĂƒĂŠ>˜`ĂŠLĂ•ÂˆÂ?`ĂŠ>ĂŠĂƒĂŒĂ€ÂœÂ˜}ĂŠĂƒiÂ˜ĂƒiĂŠÂœvĂŠVÂœÂ“Â“Ă•Â˜ÂˆĂŒĂžÂ°ĂŠ ÂœĂ€ĂŠÂ“ÂœĂ€iĂŠ information e-mail michael@familyworks.org.
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