Winter 2015
Magazine
Easing Anxiety
Parenting Guts
Self Regulation
& School Readiness
Published by
Therapy & Life Skills Center familyworks.org 415-492-0720
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Strengthening Relationships... For a Lifetime
Winter 2015
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“Like us” on
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Easing Anxiety.
by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, PHN, MFT
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Lifeskills Cooking - 101
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Self-regulation Intervention Boosts School Readiness of At-risk Children
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Parenting Guts
by Beverly Palomba
Coming Out on Your Own Terms
By Michelle Klampe
by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
by Melissa Chefec
APPLE FamilyWorks 10 Adult & Family Therapy Services 11 Child and Teen Therapy Services 12 APPLE FamilyWorks Update 13 APPLE FamilyWorks Update 14 Parenting Services 15 Developmental Disabilities Services
CPR & First Aid Classes
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Five Strategies to Ensure Family Business Success
by Ginny Grimsley FamilyWorks Magazine is published by APPLE FamilyWorks®
BOARD OF DIRECTORS President: Brigid Breen Secretary: Libby Pischel Treasurer: Doug Woodard Member: Anjana Berde Executive Director: Editor & Design: Copy Editors: Web Publisher:
Michael Diehl Lew Tremaine Pat Saunders Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith Diana Wilkins Renaissance Graphic Design
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APPLE FamilyWorks® 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael, CA 94903 email: familynews@familyworks.org Sponsorship Information: Michael Diehl Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 229 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: Michael@familyworks.org Editorial Information: Lew Tremaine Phone: (415) 492-0720 x 231 FAX: (415) 492-1099 email: familynews@familyworks.org
Circulation: This major family magazine is published quarterly and widely distributed FREE throughout Marin and Sonoma Counties: through home deliveries in five Marin Scope Weekly Community Newspapers, distribution to over 150 community locations - stores, public and private schools, medical offices, hospitals, and family-related businesses – and direct mail to thousands of active participants and sponsors of FamilyWorks®. © 2015 APPLE FamilyWorks®, All rights reserved. APPLE FamilyWorks is a nonprofit agency serving families in the Bay Area. No portion of FamilyWorks Magazine may be reproduced without written permission of the publisher. Appearance of articles, editorials, author’s point of view, advertisements or announcements for products and services in FamilyWorks Magazine does not necessarily constitute an endorsement by FamilyWorks® and FamilyWorks® is not responsible for its content or the reactions of readers to its content. FamilyWorks Magazine reserves the right to refuse advertising for any reason. Unsolicited manuscripts and photographs are welcome and should e-mailed to: familynews@familyworks.org.
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Easing Anxiety by Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MFT
I
t’s Friday night. Sheryl checked her online messages and found a note from her son’s (Larry) 6th period teacher - reporting that he had missed class twice in the week and had missed turning in four English assignments. Sheryl’s heart began to pound and her stomach tightened. Larry was at his girl friend’s house and then planning to go to a football game. At 16, Larry, was becoming more and more of a challenge. Now Sheryl’s head ached and her thoughts were blurred. It seemed so hopeless to figure out what to do. She didn’t want to embarrass him, but how could she let him go to the game? He would be so angry, and then she’d feel even more upset. And what about Tom? Larry’s dad was already annoyed that Larry’s grades had dropped recently. Sheryl started to feel dizzy and she dropped into a chair. Sheryl’s thoughts were spinning. “Why can’t Larry focus on his school? Is he doing drugs when he’s not attending his classes? Is he depressed? Just then Sheryl’s husband came home. “What’s for dinner?” he asked. Heart pounding Sheryl got up and moved toward the kitchen as she says to herself, “Tom will blow his cork if he hears about Larry. I just can’t stand feeling this way. I’ll just wait until tomorrow. Another sleepless night!”
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Helpful Anxiety We all become anxious from time to time. Anxiety (vigilance) is our mid-brain’s way of protecting us from unexpected harm. A mild level of anxiety triggered by certain situations can be a helpful emotional signal to be cautious, to slow down, think about options, get counsel, and utilize resources.
Destructive Anxiety When we are frequently overcome by anxiety, our quality of life suffers. The excess adrenaline, cortisol, and nor-epinephrine in our blood stream leads to physical exhaustion, weakens our immune system, and may create a self-defeating cycle of tension, hyper-vigilance and fear. When anxiety is overwhelming, we cannot think clearly or take effective action. continued on page 8 Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She works with individuals, couples and families. She is a renowned family educator. Call (415) 492-0720 to make an appointment for counseling services.
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Life Skills Cooking 101 – 6 Steps to Teaching This Key Skill to Those with Special Needs
by Beverly Palomba
Today’s population of children and adults with learning disabilities, Autism, Asperger’s, ADD, ADHD, and Down syndrome is growing. In reviewing recent research, we can find that the average lifespan of a person with Down syndrome in the U.S. is approximately 60 years. That’s an increase of 35 years since 1983! Autism has increased 289.5%, ADHD 33% and developmental disabilities 17% in the last 15 years. The population is not only growing but getting older and, with this, they need the same day-to-day life skills everyone else needs to be functional. Learning basic life skills, like cooking, is essential to functioning better as an adult and becoming independent. Here are 6 steps and helpful hints to teaching life skills cooking. The recipe to success when teaching cooking is consistency, repetition, and patience with a large dash of humor.
Step 1 -- Kitchen Set Up
I recommend breaking this down into two days. Devote the first day to equipment and the second day to ingredients. Cooking should be fun; not overwhelming and stressful. Work together with your student in making decisions about the kitchen set up as this will help your child stay focused and know how interested you are in them learning to cook.
Day One
1. Take a tour of your kitchen focusing on equipment used for cooking. 2. Show your student where the utensils, the pots and pans, mixing spoons, mixing bowls, measuring spoons, cutting board, paper towels, toaster, microwave, and blender are and don’t forget the refrigerator. There are a lot of different compartments in a refrigerator that can be confusing. 3. Review the difference between liquid measuring cups and dry measuring cups. Don’t spend too much time here because it will be more obvious when cooking but be sure they can be easily reached, along with the measuring spoons. 4. Next, ask yourself, can everything be easily reached
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or moved? Are the mixing bowls stored in a pile making it difficult to get the right size? Are the paper towels easily torn from its holder? 5. Arrange things with your student so they feel part of the process and that their input is important. This enforces that you are interested in them learning to cook independently. If you’re excited, they will be excited. Here are some Helpful Hints on storing and buying equipment: • Since a blender is heavy, try to find a spot on the counter to store it. • A cutting board with a rubber backing is best because it won’t slip on the counter, making it safer and easier to use. • Depending on the student’s ability, should the knives be stored in a different location? For safety reasons, I always use plastic knifes for cutting during my cooking lessons. • Metal measuring spoons with clearly marked
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• To make it easier to scoop and level dry ingredients, store dry ingredients — like, sugar, flour, salt and pepper — in wide, covered containers. • Metal dry measuring cups with long handles and clearly marked measurements are best. They last longer, are easier to use, and, again, the measurements won’t wash off. • Store spices in a shoe box container. This will make it easier to put on the counter to see which spices are needed. Start with the most common ones like salt and pepper and then add to the box as you go along. • Remember to arrange things with your student. It is so important for them to feel a part of the set up. It does take patience and time but it’s vital to your student’s successful independence in the kitchen. Now you’re Ready to Cook!!
Step 2 – Select a Recipe
measurements that include a 1/8 measurement are best. They last longer and the measurements won’t wash off.
Day Two
1. Take a tour of your kitchen focusing on cooking ingredients. 2. Start with the refrigerator. Point out the milk, eggs, butter, juice, etc. 3. Next, show where the dry ingredients, spices, and oils are stored. 4. Then, again, ask yourself, can everything be reached or moved easily? You don’t want your student frustrated trying to reach things or because they can’t read something. Here are some Helpful Hints on storing and arranging ingredients: • To make it easier to lift and pour from large containers, store your ingredients in smaller, lighter containers. For example, you can store vegetable oil in an empty spice jar or pour milk into a quart container. Magazine
This may seem like a simple step but finding a recipe that has a few ingredients (no more than 4 to start), step-by-step directions, a colorful picture, only one recipe on a page, and a recipe that lists the equipment and the ingredients needed, can take some time. Having the right recipe to start with is important. You want your student to be excited about the recipe they are cooking and even more so, you want your student to have a fun and successful experience. You don’t want them to be turned off by their first recipe because it was too long and confusing. You can try going to the bookstore together and looking through some cookbooks, or search on the internet. Be careful, though, some recipes are much more complicated than you would expect. Read them carefully. I have found that it’s better to start with one very simple recipe and cook that recipe a few times until your student can complete the recipe on their own. Try starting with a trail mix or smoothie that can be done quickly and enjoyed.
Step 3 – Read the Recipe
Read the recipe with your child. You may have already done this when you were looking for the recipe but it will help to bring them into focus on their task. Reading the recipe before starting will also allow you to go over any questions they may have.
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Coming Out on Your Own Terms
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by Melissa Chefec
ublic attitudes toward homosexuality have changed decidedly in the last twenty years. The rapidity of the shift toward greater tolerance of the LBGTQ lifestyle across all religious and political groups - with younger people leading the way - is evidenced most dramatically in the growing acceptance of same-sex marriage. While there are likely many reasons for the changes in societal attitudes, most experts agree that chief among them is the fact that a substantial majority of Americans now say they have a close friend or family member who is gay or lesbian. “Those personal connections are the most powerful force underlying a new perception of normalcy or at least acceptance,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Larisa Wainer of Morris Psychological Group in Parsippany NJ. “As more and more people come to realize that people close to them - their sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, friends, neighbors and co-workers - are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, they become more sensitive to issues of discrimination and equal rights. That shift in turn is fueled by the growing numbers of LGBTQ people who have made the deeply personal decision to ‘come out’ - to be honest about who they are and to live openly. That said, coming out isn’t easy for anyone and is particularly difficult for young people who may themselves still be struggling to accept their identity.” Coming out is not a single act or a single conversation. It is a process of understanding, accepting and sharing one’s identity that may last a lifetime. There is no right way, right time or road map for beginning the process and it is likely to give rise to a wide range of emotions from fear to confusion to relief. “Most people who are hesitant eventually come out because hiding this key aspect of who they are becomes too heavy a burden,” says Dr. Wainer, “and they find that however daunting the prospect, the benefits ultimately outweigh the risks.” Coming out benefits both the individual,
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who is free to live an open and authentic life, and others, especially young people, who may gain courage and inspiration from a role model. Dr. Wainer provides some tips for those who are wrestling with this important decision. • Come out first to yourself. Make certain you are comfortable with your orientation before telling others. • Come out on your own terms, in the way and at the time that feels right to you. Don’t let anyone pressure you to come out before you’re ready. • Start with someone you’re close to who you know to be tolerant and caring and who you believe is unlikely to be shocked or hostile. Plan what to say and pick a time when neither of you is rushed or stressed. Explain why coming out is important to you. • Some people initially reveal their identity online where anonymity provides a safety shield and a buffer before approaching friends and family. • Don’t expect everyone to be supportive. Some people need time to absorb what they’ve learned and some may not ever be comfortable enough to accept you as you really are. • Before approaching someone who you suspect might react negatively, make sure you have an individual or a group you can turn to for support. • Remember that the conversation may also be uncomfortable for the person you’re talking to. Be patient and listen to them as carefully as you want them to listen to you. • Be aware of the risks of coming out, particularly if your family has exceptionally strong negative feelings about homosexuality and you are dependent on them. In some cases, it may be better to delay tell-
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ing them until you’re sure you have a safety net or can support yourself. “Being honest with friends and family and living openly will ultimately strengthen relationships with those who are most important to you,” says Dr. Wainer. “But it may take time and it may not always go smoothly. No one need make the journey alone. In addition to friends and family, there are support groups and organizations that can provide advice and counsel. Coming out is different for every individual and may indeed go on indefinitely over the course of your life as you meet new people and cross new thresholds. Taking the first step is an important milestone in leading you to a full and fulfilling life.” Larisa Wainer, PsyD., is a licensed psychologist providing psychotherapy to individuals, couples, and groups. She has specific training and experience in issues related to relationships, sexual functioning, anxiety, depression, anger, life transitions and social difficulties.
Though many therapistts may be qualified to help, sometimes lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) feel more comfortable with an LGBTQ therapist, or at least with a therapist who specializes or has experience with LGBTQ issues. APPLE FamilyWorks strives to provide an LGBTQ-friendly environment. Counselors experienced in working with LBGTQ clients are available to provide individual, couple and family counseling for this community. For more information on our counseling services, visit www.familyworks.org or call (415) 492-0720.
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Easing Anxiety continued from page 3
Holding Onto Anxiety Anxious people may resist seeking help. It is not uncommon for people to feel guilty or ashamed that they are currently trapped by their anxiety. When anxious, people may resist doing something unfamiliar. But it is surely worth a try. So below are some helpful steps to regulating your emotional responses to difficult situations.
of fear and anxiety by influential people in your life. Ask your anxiety its source – what you expect will trigger your anxiety. Making mistakes, short deadlines, new people or places, lack of money, rejection or loneliness, physical illness, animals, crowds of people, loud noises? Also ask yourself: “What else is going on besides this that may be heightening my worries”? So, you might say, “I am very anxious about the big bill for the car repair, and this came on top of my argument with my boss, worrying about being fired. I have been staying up very late at night, and my friend has just been diagnosed with cancer. “ Then proceed to separate out these concerns and decide which one might be escalating feelings in the other stress areas. Once you know your triggers, you can anticipate a situation that might heighten fear and you can soothe yourself and create an action plan to manage your thoughts and feelings.
Sleep, Recreation, and Relaxation Avoiding tension build-up is key. Adequate sleep (at least 8 hours) rejuvenates your mind and body. Recreation/ play engenders a sense of freedom and safety, re-creating our sense of calm and positive spirit. Music, drawing, painting, and gardening each benefit us. And of course exercise burns off cortisol, adrenaline, and nor-epinephrine, Substituting PATs for ANTs replacing it with dopamine and serotonin - our feel-good When we feel at risk, ANTs (Automatic Negative and calming neuro-transmitters. Meditation, massage and Thoughts) are produced from our primitive mid-brain. progressive relaxation can be very helpful. Some find The mid brain (AFW calls this part of the brain the “Dino walking meditation works well, too. Brain”) is filled with childhood tapes and very basic thoughts. It creates worst-case outcomes, tends to look Triggers We need to identify our triggers and differentiate between for someone or something to blame – and avoids being mortal danger and annoying and upsetting inter-personal comfortable with feeling vulnerable or out of control. issues. These issues often link with a trauma, which felt Our primitive brain records our negative thoughts, and the truly life-threatening when we were young, particularly an words we speak, as though they are absolute fact. PATs (Positive Affirming Thoughts) help to counteract event linked to family’s or friends’ disapproval, punishanxiety by providing our primitive mid-brain positive posment, shame or banishment-or to persuasive expressions sibilities. And when we make ourselves calm by breathing
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slowly, our toxic neuro-chemicals that create brain static are reduced. We can identify that we are NOT, in fact, in mortal danger and do not have to fight, flee or freeze. It is helpful to write down anxious thoughts to see if they are ANTs. Then we can use our clear thinking brain to reassure ourselves. We can ask ourselves, “What is the likelihood that this terrible outcome will occur? What positive results can come from this? Have I successfully dealt with something like this before? PATs also help us give ourselves appreciation for our strengths and good fortune. We can list tasks, check off our accomplishments and say, “Ta da! I did it. I can do what I need to do.” We can make a habit of sharing positive events and feelings with others and looking for ways to express our gratitude. Linking Body/Mind Responses to PATs The triggers brings up an energetic body memory, which activates the fight, flight, freeze responses. The following steps calm our mind and our body. 1. Breathe deeply and relax your muscles from head to toe. 2. Name the feeling you are having and the trigger. 3. Name where you are feeling the distress in your body (e.g. head, shoulders, throat, chest, stomach, back). Example: “I feel ________(the emotion) and ______ (where you feel it). I know I once thought that _______(trigger) would hurt me somehow, but I am grown up now. I am strong and capable. I am lovable. I can work out the solution.”
Teen Life S k
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Parenting Classes
Disab
Thought Delay If you find your mind spinning and stuck on your worry and you are having difficulty focusing on anything but the issue, honor your need to be rid of the anxiety for a while and also to attend to the concern. Set aside a specific time each day during which you focus on the concern. If you find your mind moving back to the anxious state, say to yourself, “I will think about that at 7 pm.”
PEFT, CBT and EMDR Therapist trained in PEFT (Progressive Emotional Freedom Technique) combine the physical benefits of acupressure with the cognitive benefits of conventional therapy for a much faster, more complete treatment of emotional issues, and the physical and performance issues that often result. It is a very effective method to overcome anxiety as well as to manage depression, and other emotional challenges. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) helps identify triggers, ANTs and substitute PATs. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a type of therapy that works directly with trauma and the triggers associated with traumatic experiences. It helps to manage anxiety and trauma. We all become anxious for good reasons. Anxiety informs us of issues we need to deal with. It is when anxiety keeps us from enjoying our lives, that it is time to ease our anxiety. A therapist’s guidance can prove very effective.
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Adult and Family Therapy We are here to help you to reach your goals, to find peace, harmony and joy within yourself, with partner, friends, co-workers, children, and family.
Individuals, couples or families identify their concerns, hopes and dreams, and learn practical and effective relationship tools. Therapeutic approaches include talk therapy, family sculpting, psychodynamic, personcentered, humanistic, narrative, therapy, AEDP, and EFT.
Support Groups EASE
MindMatters
In this small facilitated group reduce stress and find paths to peace with the effective and practical technique of EFT (EmotionalFreedom Techniques). Lunchtime group.
Manage mind and mood using scientifically proven CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) tools. With the support of a skilled facilitatormake 2015 a year of promise and positive experiences.Lunchtime and afterwork groups.
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Child and Teen Therapy
Clinic, Home and School-based Services
Children and teens find new ways to resolve problems, develop healthy life skills, increase emotional well-being, build greater self-esteem and enhance social skills in ways that support their healthy growth and development. Therapeutic approaches are chosen which best match parent-child goals, including expressive arts, sand play, music, movement, and other interactive activities.
Building Bridges
PCIT, HeartMath and assistance with IEPs are available.
for Parents & Teens
Helps parents and their teens find better ways to communicate, grow up safely, and manage conflict and stress.
We welcome you to join us in: • Resolving conflicts • Overcoming depression • Managing grief & loss • Enhancing social skills • Insuring mutual respect
• Dealing with anxiety • Managing ADHD & ODD • Improving intimacy • Overcoming addictions • Coping with separation & divorce
• Coping with transitions • Managing anger • Regulating emotions • Enhancing Co-Parenting • Reducing domestic violence
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UPDATE APPLE FamilyWorks Founding Executive Director Takes on New Role, New Challenges Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, RN, PHN, MA, CHN, MFT, founded APPLE Family Center (now APPLE FamilyWorks) in 1978. Over the next 36 years, as the agency grew and ultimately expanded to fill the facility at 2-10 Joseph Ct. in Terra Linda, Mary Jane led the non-profit to become a Bay Area-wide provider of parenting and life-skills education and a premier counseling center with a renowned marriage and family Psychotherapy Training Institute. On January 1, 2015, APPLE FamilyWorks’ founding Executive Director takes on a new role with the agency, as Director of Therapeutic Program Development, as she hands leadership of AFW to new Executive Director, Michael Diehl. During her 36 years at the helm of APPLE FamilyWorks, Mary Jane continuously scanned the terrain of the Bay Area community, always in search of emerging needs and new ways to serve, all the while, managing the day-to day operation of an expanding 501(c)(3). In her new role, Mary Jane will focus on developing innovative, relationship-building programs to serve families and individuals in the community. Three such programs are already well into the design phase. Building Bridges - a series of workshops aimed at helping parents and their teenaged children find better ways to communicate, grow up safely, and manage conflict and stress. “Building Bridges,” expands on the parenting education innovations we have been developing for decades,” Mary Jane explains. “It uses positive behavior management techniques. More-over, it helps teen and parent to stand in each other’s shoes and to work as a team.”
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Parent-Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) – twelve to twenty session interactive training benefiting from one-way mirror professional guidance. Those parents who wish to do so may benefit from video taping interactions periodically to review progress. EASE Clinics (Easing Anxiety and Stressful Experiences) a variety of evidence-based emotional regulation services including, PEFT (Progressive Emotional Freedom Technique), CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and HeartMath a computer based tool, which guides the user toward coherence of heart and breathing. These therapeutic modalities are especially effective for managing anxiety and trauma, decreasing depression, and increasing cognitive focus. “EASE combines the long-renowned technology for teaching emotional regulation and self-soothing with the therapist-guided techniques. It allows participants to better manage and enjoy their life, whether they are working on personal issues or seeking to strengthen family, work or social relationships,” she continues. Mary Jane shares her delight in having more time to develop state of the art programs. “I am delighted to be working with Patricia Saunders, MA, MFT, Director of AFW’s Psychotherapy Training Institute and the team of interns to implement these new programs. We have always sought to integrate timeless wisdom with innovative methods,” she said. “I look forward to working with our staff to continue that legacy.”
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UPDATE Greetings from APPLE’s New Executive Director It is with great pleasure that I greet you as the new Executive Director of APPLE FamilyWorks. I look forward to leading the APPLE FamilyWorks team to fulfill our mission of helping people build essential life skills to strengthen relationships and enhance personal well being. I’m so grateful to have this opportunity with APPLE FamilyWorks because it feels like coming home, bringing me back to my roots of a parent, educator, and advocate dedicated to enhancing the lives of others. APPLE FamilyWorks is a locally-based, awardwinning nonprofit offering counseling, group therapy and classes to help people of all ages meet the challenges in their lives. Our specialized programs include parenting workshops, individual and couples therapy, family counseling, and life skills education for adults with developmental disabilities in 11 counties. We also offer programs for middle schools and teens, training for school staff and Masters-level internships in Marriage and Family Therapy. APPLE FamilyWorks has entered a new and exciting phase of strategic growth and development. We are very proud of the services we offer, but we won’t stop there. We continue to identify new and innovative programs that meet the needs of our community, creating a clear path towards wellness. We plan to deepen our focus on access to mental Magazine
heath services, parenting education and high quality and productive skills training to our clients with developmental disabilities. APPLE FamilyWorks is always looking for partners to support our new community based initiatives. I am honored to be the Executive Director, working with a dedicated Board of Directors, amazing staff, and supporters like you. If you are interested in helping us to support these projects, please consider volunteering, partnering or making a financial investment. We look forward to working with you all. For more information on how you can get involved, contact me at michael@familyworks.org Sincerely, Michael Diehl
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Support for Individuals with Developmental Disabilities
Parenting Support Services • Parenting and co-parenting • Childbirth education • Child development and family planning • Behavior management and stress reduction • Early intervention in postpartum depression • Positive and peaceful discipline
“When it comes to parenting support and education, APPLE FamilyWorks is
• Injury prevention, nutrition, and exercise • Household management, and transportation • Financial management and budgeting • Development of social support systems • Linkage with others services
the gold standard.” Golden Gate Regional Center Case Manager
Independent Living Skills • Academic growth • Behavior management • Stress Reduction skills • Injury prevention • Nutrition • Health promotion and exercise • Hygiene and self-care
• Housekeeping • Transportation skills • Community access • Employment readiness • Financial management and budgeting • Development of social support systems
Serving 11 Greater Bay Area Counties
CPR & First Aid Classes Learn infant, child and adult choke-saving and CPR and how to apply these skills in emergencies. You will have hands-on practice, receive a CPR skill book and a National Safety Council Certification upon completion. Saturdays, January 10, 2015 • CPR 9:30 a.m. - 1:00 p.m. • First Aid 1:15 - 4:00 p.m.
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Therapy and Life Skills Center Parenting Classes and Counseling Reduce tension and frustration. Build cooperation and respect.
Parenting Today
n-
Join us in this fun and interactive class. Lean innovative, practical and effective skills . • Increase cooperation • Enhance discipline & social skills • Enjoy time with your family
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• Receive respect & appreciation • Get chores & homework completed • Be at peace & enjoy adult activities
Topics include: • Deciding your goals and principles • Taming “Dino Brain” behavior • Using the “New Time Out” • Giving effective directions • Setting clear consequences
• • • • •
Effective Listening Turning opposition into cooperation Knowing abilities & Temperament Applying “When...Then” Creating charts & reinforcements
Terra Linda Classes
Ross Valley Morning Classes
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Tuesdays March 10 - March 31 8:30 - 10:30 a.m.
Thursdays April 16 - May 7 6:30 - 8:30 p.m.
Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
Co-Parenting Today Parents who are living apart learn to raise their children in harmony and keep children “out of the middle”, while the children remain in each parent’s life. Parents attend separate classes and learn to: • Reduce anxiety and depression • Manage constantly shifting • Deal with each other respectfully schedules • Increase cooperation • Stop tantrums and dawdling • Make co-parenting decisions calmly • Design consequences that work • Divide child-rearing tasks equitably • End rudeness & backtalk
Terra Linda Classes Tuesdays Jan. 20 - Mar. 10 6:30 - 8:30 p.m.
Refreshments, Parenting Manuals and Graduation Certificate Included
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Self-regulation Intervention Boosts School Readiness of At-risk Children
A
By Michelle Klampe
n intervention that uses music and games to help preschoolers learn self-regulation skills is helping prepare at-risk children for kindergarten, a new study from Oregon State University shows. Self-regulation skills – the skills that help children pay attention, follow directions, stay on task and persist through difficulty – are critical to a child’s success in kindergarten and beyond, said OSU’s Megan McClelland, a nationally recognized expert in child development and a co-author of the new study. “Most children do just fine in the transition to kindergarten, but 20 to 25 percent of them experience difficulties. Those difficulties have a lot to do with self-regulation,” McClelland said. “Any intervention you can develop to make that transition easier can be beneficial.” The results of the new study are notable because positive effects of an i n t e rv ention, especially one that aims to improve self-regulation and academic achievement, can be difficult for researchers to find, said McClelland, the Katherine E. Smith Healthy Children and Families professor in the College of Public Health and Human Sciences. The intervention was most effective among children 16
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who are considered at highest risk for struggling in school – those from low-income backgrounds who are learning English as a second language. In addition to a positive effect on self-regulation, the intervention had a positive effect on math achievement for English language learners. “The math gain was huge,” McClelland said. “English language learners who were randomly assigned to the intervention showed a one-year gain in six months. This was in spite of the fact that we had no math content in these games.” That indicates that children were more likely to integrate the self-regulation skills they’ve learned into their everyday lives, McClelland said. It also supports previous research finding strong links between self-regulation and math skills. The study was published recently in “Early Childhood Research Q u a r t e r l y. ” Lead author Sara A. Schmitt conducted the research as a doctoral student at OSU and now is an assistant professor at Purdue University. In addition to McClelland, the other authors of the study are Alan C. Acock of Oregon State and Shauna L. Tominey of Yale University. In all, 276 children enrolled in a federally funded Head
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Start program for at-risk children in the Pacific Northwest participated in the study. Children ranged in age from three to five, with most about four years old. Children were randomly assigned to either a control group or the intervention program. The intervention ran for eight weeks, with two 20- to 30-minute sessions each week. Research assistants came into classes and led children through movement and music-based games that increased in complexity over time and encouraged the children to practice self-regulation skills. One game used in the activities was “Red Light, Purple Light,” which is similar to “Red Light, Green Light.” A researcher acted as a stoplight and held up construction-paper circles to represent stop and go. Children followed color cues, such as purple is stop and orange is go, and then switched to the opposite, where purple is go and orange is stop. Additional rules are added later to increase the complexity of the game. The game requires children to listen and remember instructions, pay attention to the adult leading the game and resist natural inclinations to stop or go. “It’s about helping the children practice better control,” McClelland said. “The games train them to stop, think and then act.”
Join the Board This is an exciting time for APPLE FamilyWorks, as we are expanding our services and embarking on new projects. Please join us as we move forward to serve the community. The commitment is reasonable, the time well spent, and the sense of satisfaction – enormous. APPLE FamilyWorks Board Members: • Believe in, have passionate for, and care deeply about the agency’s purpose, mission, and goals • Make a serious commitment to participate actively in the work of the Board and their committees, the annual retreat, and at least two special events (approximately 6 hours a month) • Want to use their strategic planning, strong problem-solving and negotiating skills on one of our important committees (e.g., Board Development, Finance and Resource Development, Marketing, and/or Executive) • Demonstrate their strong interpersonal skills and teamwork by joining our fundraising and resource acquisition efforts • Demonstrate integrity and a strong sense of responsibility for their recommendations and decisions and are ready to take on tough issues and work through conflict while remaining respectful and collaborative • Have strong ties to their community and actively recruit new Board members and spread the word about APPLE FamilyWorks
Most children do just fine in the transition to kindergarten. But 20 to 25 percent of them experience difficulties. Those difficulties have a lot to do with self-regulation, Researchers evaluated children’s self-regulation and academic achievement before and after the intervention and found that children who had received the intervention scored significantly higher on two direct measures of self-regulation. English language learners who participated in the intervention also scored significantly higher in math than their peers in the control group. Researchers want to continue improving the games used in the intervention and expand the use of the intervention to more children, McClelland said. Because the games are somewhat simple and require few materials, training teachers is fairly easy and the program is relatively lowcost for schools, she said. The study was supported by a grant from the Ford Family Foundation and by OSU.
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Interested? Please visit our website to find out more about APPLE FamilyWorks, familyworks.org If you think APPLE FamilyWorks’ Board is a good fit for you, we look forward to hearing from you. Please contact Michael Diehl at 415-492-0720, ext. 229 or email michael@familyworks.org.
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Winter 2015
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5 Strategies to Ensure Family Business Success by Ginny Grimsley
“N
on-family businesses can learn a lot from family businesses,” says Henry Hutcheson, a certified Family Business Advisor and founder of Family Business USA Consultancy. “Family businesses outperformed non-family businesses during the boom years leading up to the 2008 recession, and during the 2001 and 2008 recession years,” he says, citing a recent Harvard Business Review study. Hutcheson, author of the new book, “Dirty Little Secrets of Family Business,” (http://dirtylittlesecretsoffamilybusiness.com), says family businesses were less likely to lay off workers during the lean times, and more likely to maintain their emphasis on socially responsible programs. But that’s just the businesses that survived. “Many closed their doors,” he notes. With 25 years of business management and family business consulting experience, Hutcheson says he’s seen the patterns that can lead to major problems. And they’re almost always preventable. “The factor that enables family businesses to rise to the top is trust: Family members can potentially trust one another far more than non-family members,” he says. “But trust can erode – when a family member can’t 18
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or won’t perform at the necessary level; when there’s a sense of entitlement; drug abuse; laziness. And that can have serious, business-killing consequences. “If the business is professionalized, there will be a way to deal with those issues. But too often, safeguards are not in place.” Hutcheson offers five top success strategies for family businesses: • Keep the lines of communication open. Schedule regular family meetings to discuss issues of concern and topics such as business transition, business performance, and responsibilities. Include all of the family members, no matter where in the hierarchy their jobs fall – exclusion creates animosity. Create a family manual that lays out the ground rules for how the meetings will take place to ensure everyone gets a chance to be heard and impediments to communication are left at the door. • Assign clear roles and responsibilities. As a family member, it’s natural to feel that everything is “my” business. However, not everything is every family member’s responsibility. Job definitions prevent everyone from jumping in to tackle the same problem, and help ensure the business runs smoothly.
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• Keep good financial data. The downfall of many small businesses and family businesses is not having solid data. Have a single point of contact to manage the finances. If you’re small enough, you can rely on a family member. Otherwise, you’ll need to bring in a qualified accountant. You may cringe at the cost for this, but the difference between a good accountant and a bad one is the difference between knowing exactly where you are on the road and trying to drive with a mud-covered windshield. • Avoid overpaying family members. Market-based compensation is fundamental and essential. Parents in family businesses tend to overpay the next generation, or pay everyone equally despite differing levels of responsibility. Both are bad practices. The longer unfair compensation practices continue, the messier it will be to clean up when it blows up. • Don’t hire relatives if they’re unqualified. Competence is key. Family businesses are a conundrum: The family aspect generates unqualified love, while the business side cares about profits. Thus, family members will be hired to provide them with a job, even though they’re not qualified. The remedy is to get them trained, move them to a role that matches their skills, or have them leave. “More than 70 percent of all businesses are family businesses – they account for a significant number of new jobs and a large portion of the GDP,” Hutcheson says. “But that’s not the only reason they’re so important. “They’re motivated by profits, but also by other important considerations: pride in the family name, building something for future generations, philanthropy. For those reasons, they contribute in tremendous ways to social stability. They make our communities better.” Henry Hutcheson is president of Family Business USA and specializes in helping family and privately held businesses successfully manage transition, maintain harmony, and improve operations. His newest book is “Dirty Little Secrets of Family Business: How to Successfully Navigate Family Business Conflict and Transition,” (http://dirtylittlesecretsoffamilybusiness.com); he’s also quoted in “Kids, Wealth, and Consequences” and “Sink or Swim: How Lessons from the Titanic Can Save Your Family Business.” Hutcheson grew up working for his family’s business, Olan Mills Portrait Studios. He studied psychology and has an MBA from Columbia Business School, and is a popular speaker at professional, university and corporate-sponsored events. Magazine
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Winter 2015
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Parenting Guts by Gary Direnfeld, LCSW
My wife and I were talking about some friends the other day. At issue was their inability to hold their kids accountable to respectable behavior. Whenever their kids acted rudely or didn’t listen, one of the parents would offer a lame excuse and essentially the child was let off the hook. With the kid’s face buried in a screen, the parents were effectively dismissed. My wife surmised that one or both parents were afraid of their kids’ push-back. Technically, I refer to this as protest behavior – the behavior of the child seeking to undo the directive or expectation of the parent. The push-back or protest behavior can come in the form of a tantrum, an escalation of out of control behavior, violence, withdrawal, talking back, incessant arguing or emotional manipulation (you don’t love me… you are hurting me… my friend’s dad let them do…). As the parent acquiesces to the protest behavior, the child feels emboldened and learns that such behavior works to undo the parental expectation. The untoward behavior thus continues. My wife, not a social worker, just cut to the chase and said, “That parent has no parenting guts”. Parenting guts. What a concept. In today’s multi20
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screen universe where kids whine for increased connectivity to the Internet and portability of devices, so many more kids are getting into trouble and accessing information far beyond their maturity to handle. As we seem to be developing an increasingly spoiled generation of kids whose manners or help around the house appears to be a diminishing capacity, maybe it is time to think in terms of parenting guts. As your child whines about the access to technology their friends have and seek to have you pick up the tab for their premium cell plan, maybe it’s time for parental push-back. Really? You think a cell phone makes them safer? Think again. It just may offer them up as a target for theft, on-line bullying or worse, exploitation! Since when are the rantings of the child, holding the parent hostage by comparisons to the trappings of other spoiled kids a rationale for giving in? So what if your kid doesn’t like the parental expectation (assuming reasonable) and they whine? Would any of those strategies work for you at your place of employment for getting a raise or advancement? I like my wife’s new term. In today’s world, more parents need parenting guts. If the child’s behavior
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wouldn’t be acceptable at your place of employment, it shouldn’t be acceptable from your kids at home. Now this is not permission for abusive parenting, but permission for parents to withstand the push-back of their children and teaching them the value of respect, listening, working for their own things and giving back to others. As these parents develop their parenting guts, then their kids can grow to be the healthy, moral and reasonable adults they would want them to be. Turn off the Internet at dinner time; have time for chores; make sure the homework gets done; limit the
video games; address rude or disrespectful behavior; enjoy some family time. As your kids are now is how they will likely be come in adulthood. Would anyone in the outside world tolerate such attitudes and behavior? Would their behavior be acceptable in an intimate adult relationship? Just what kind of adult do you want your child to be? The alternative? Spoiled brats who grow into narcissistic adults.You choose. I think my wife got this right. Have some parenting guts.
Life Skills Cooking 101
important at this stage for your child to be successful and proud and have quick gratification.
Step 6 - Consistent Repetitive Routine
continued from page 5
Step 4 - Gather your Ingredients and Equipment
This is where all the time you spent setting up the kitchen will pay off. First, focus on gathering the ingredients and putting them out on the counter. Then, focus on gathering the equipment and putting them on the counter. This is a good time to note if there are any organizational changes that need to be done later in your kitchen set up. But stay focused on the recipe for now. Later, with your student, address steps they may have found difficult and look for ways to change that for next time. Also, if your student is having difficulty focusing on the ingredients or equipment, cover the recipe with a piece of paper leaving only the part they are working on showing. Then, move the paper as you go.
Step 5 – Cooking Directions
Again, to help your student focus on one direction at a time, you can use a piece of paper to cover the directions except the one being worked on, or use sticky arrows. Put the arrow on the direction being worked. Once that step is completed, move the sticky arrow to the next direction. Directions can be difficult and wordy. Try to find a simple recipe with a few steps to start with. It’s
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Be consistent and repetitive. I can’t say that enough, except to say, be patient and laugh. Learning to cook takes some time but it’s rewarding and fun. Remember to always follow the same steps in the same order: read the recipe, gather the ingredients, then gather the equipment. If you are using sticky arrows or paper to help follow the directions, have them ready. Repeat the recipe a few times until your student is able to make it easily on their own. Remember to laugh and give lots of praise. If the meal is going to be served to the family, give them a head’s up on what’s coming so they are ready with the “wow, that’s great” comment. And, yes, there will be spills! Just remember to giggle and have your student join in on the clean up. It’s all worth your time and patience to help your child become independent in the kitchen. It will build their self-esteem and self-confidence and, together, you’ll have fun! Beverly Worth Palomba has been a teacher from Pre-K through high school for more than 20 years and, during the past 11 years, she has worked exclusively in Special Education. She created a life skills cooking class four years ago at the local high school geared to the needs and abilities of her students. In addition, Beverly provides cooking workshops at local community centers. This program inspired her first book, Special Day Cooking: A Life Skills Cookbook. For more information, visit www.specialdaycooking.com.
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Winter 2015
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Is Hiring
Health Educators
Provide Health Education and Life Skills Coaching to parents with developmental disabilities and their children in their home and community environment. Guide three to four families throughout each month. Required Skills: • Fluent verbal communication in Spanish and English • Communicate clearly in written English (utilizing Microsoft Word). • Ability to use basic elements of Excel for Timesheets and Mileage Logs.
Send resume & cover letter to hr@familyworks.org
Parenting Today & Co-parenting Today
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Mike’s
parents were upset and worried
Mike had become defiant and aggressive, especially toward his younger brother. His refusal to go to school distressed his parents. (He had not told them he was being bullied at school.) After reading FamilyWorks Magazine, his mother called APPLE FamilyWorks and scheduled family counseling, as well as individual counseling for Mike. She and her husband enrolled in the Parenting Today series.
Mike now manages his school relationships. Mike’s parents learned skills to help both their sons be more cooperative and caring.
Donate today to build strong families and help them thrive! There are several ways you can support APPLE FamilyWorks to help make a difference in the lives of Marin County residents. 1) Make a donation at familyworks.org by clicking the “Donate Now” tab 2) Mail your donation to APPLE FamilyWorks, 4 Joseph Court, San Rafael CA 94903. 3) Become a sponsor for of FamilyWorks Magazine. For more information e-mail michael@familyworks.org. 4) Become a Film Night Supporter to help provide families, friends and neighbors the opportunity to gather in beautiful outdoor settings, enjoy quality movies and build a strong sense of community. For more information e-mail michael@familyworks.org.
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