bomb shell whale

What to do if you meet an angry bombshell whale…

By Daphne Vitsou

Excerpted from a report by the zoology department of Harvard University published in the New York Times. Research conducted in 2017. The angry bombshell whale is the largest toothed whale and the largest predator on the entire planet. It can easily be recognized by its gigantic round head that looks like a bombshell (this is where it got its name from). The angry bombshell whale is very dark blue that sometimes can be confused with black. They attain a maximum length of about 146 meters and weigh up to 300 tons. Angry bombshell whales are deep divers. They can hold their breath for approximately 4-5 hours. Their life span is 80-90 years. They were first discovered in 1712 by the zoologist and explorer Sir Arthur Bay. Since then, we have managed to gather a great amount of information because of technological developments. Yet, the most crucial piece of information has remained the same. That is, they pose a great threat to humanity…

Last pages of Arthur Bays scientific journal. April 4th 1712. Finally, after 23 days I made my great discovery! Even though it was not the initial goal of this expedition, it was extremely fascinating. While I was observing the waves after the storm, I noticed a strange object in the ocean that looked like a bombshell. It proved to be a huge whale. I estimated that it has to be about 90 meters long. For a moment it seemed like it looked at me angrily with its gigantic eye. Then, the enormous creature disappeared into the ocean. I can’t help but wonder, is this the beast that all of those myths of the local islanders were talking about? Is this the demon that lives at the end of the world? Will this be the discovery that will finally make the queen dub me knight? So long angry bombshell whale. We shall meet again. April 26th 1712. I am alone in a tiny room, in a tiny village, on a tiny island in the Galapagos. Why? Half of the ship and the entire crew were eaten…

Article from the newspaper London Times. Published on December 22, 1954

Angry Bombshell Whale Creeps into the Thames

Early this evening an angry bombshell whale was seen swimming in the river Thames. The whale was moving slowly to avoid attention. This was impossible because its gigantic head was above the water surface. When people first saw it, they thought it was a moving rock. The whale was planning to secretly reach the Parliament and eat Big Ben. It would have succeeded if it wasn’t prevented by the shallow waters and Mrs. Una O’Brian, a Scottish whale hunter, who happened to be in London for the winter holidays. Because the water was not deep enough, it was difficult for the whale to jump out of water and eat Big Ben. Una quickly pulled out her speargun (that she carries with her everywhere she goes) and shot the whale in its blower. The whale died instantaneously, making a loud sound. Efforts are being made to remove its dead body. This has been the sixth angry bombshell whale attack this year.

Interview of Dr. Emily Pattison, giving information on what to do if you meet an angry bombshell whale (2019).

Well, it is a fact that angry bombshell whales pose a huge threat to our society. Ι find it worrying that some people still underestimate them. Everyone should be aware of the danger and take at least some basic precautions. After intense research, we came up with some very crucial protection measures. Please dedicate a moment of your time in the following list.

Pray.

ALWAYS CALL A PROFESSIONAL. Call the number 3947 294 939.

Our trained whale killer will immediately be sent to help you. Don’t try to kill the whale, unless you really can’t avoid it.

Angry bombshell whales will try to hide in order to trick you.

Unless you are extremely farsighted, that “trick” won’t work on you. They are clearly visible. Yet, if you pretend that you haven’t

noticed them, they will keep believing that they have actually managed to hide. Do pretend that you haven’t spotted them and it’s vital not to start screaming. If you do, they will start moving fast. The question is what you can do if they realize... Angry bombshell whales love epic rock music. Their favorite bands are Black Sabbath, Jethro Tull and Led Zeppelin. If you play some music, they will immediately start dancing. That will give you some time to call a professional. Just remember to turn up the volume a lot because angry bombshell whales don’t have strong hearing. At some point they’ll stop dancing. If help has not arrived by that moment, we advise you to dress up as a mouse. Angry Bombshell whales are terrified of mice. They will freeze. This will give you a little bit more time, but be careful. When the angry bombshell whales realize that you are not an actual mouse, they will get even more angry…

Dr. McMillan’s reply (professor of philosophy in the University of Wisconsin) when asked in 2018 what he thought about the whales. Those attacks are such an uncanny phenomenon. Never before in history has humanity experienced such aggressive animal behavior. It really makes me wonder, is nature trying to take revenge because we abuse her? Ιs it just a bizarre coincidence? Why are angry bombshell whales so angry after all?