Bisexuals
Contents
In the Beginning, There Was the Female
Soha
I am very interested in sexuality because it was my gateway into knowing myself. I am from
Upper Egypt, and for those of you who know what that means, you know that I probably had no
idea that LGBTQI+ people existed. I was quite religious so I always wondered why God would create me against the “sane human instinct” , I had nobody to talk to or think out loud with. Even my female friends whom I loved could not understand why I was that attached to them, me neither. I thought it was just a severe case of friendship, not a sexual orientation.
As a girl, you have no life in Upper Egypt. It is full of violence and hatred; you hate your body, the fact that
you’re a girl, and even the idea of marriage. Sex between
married couples was still a taboo in our town. Women were told that sex is painful and demeaning to them. Women
were told they don’t own their bodies. So you can imagine
how impossible it is to start a dialogue about homosexuality.
Although I was first attracted to women, I never kissed a woman in Upper Egypt, or even got close to one. There was
no space for me to act upon my inclinations, as there is no
place for women to be vocal about anything where I came from In our town, you don’t choose who you marry, you don’t inherit your deceased family, you know emotions as nothing but the devil’s way to seduce you away from God's righteous path.
Regardless, I still felt attracted to women. In preparatory
school, I wrote love letters to my female teacher. In high school, I was in love with a classmate. In both cases, I could
not understand what I was feeling, and I had to shrug them
off.
I was very much into women’s bodies. I thought everyone felt the same. Whenever my female friends used to talk about a boy they found attractive, I couldn’t fathom why they’d look at men
when there is all this beauty within them. As usual. I bottled up my thoughts and kept them internalized. But in college, I started to be attracted to men, I started to notice their bodies as well! This has added to my confusion. But again, for the sake of studies and securing my future, I disregarded all these mysteries and moved on.
Then, when I turned 24, I met a girl outside Upper Egypt. She was the one to introduce me to bisexuality. She told me how normal and common this was. She told me about the existence of the LGBTQ+ community in Egypt. She was the reason I started to accept myself and love my body. She made me realise how free we are to be what what want and do as we please. She showed me the alternative to bottling up and observing my feelings passively She started an awakening within me; I am not unnatural or sinful, there are people like me out there in the world!
After that I attended a seminar on sexuality. And boy was it a milestone in my life! I was introduced to all those labels and all the scientific data that explains everything It was like I was no longer blind; I could see myself for what I truly am. I am bisexual; I like both men and women.
From 2014 until 2017, I was on a journey of self-exploration and self-acceptance. I finally made peace with my body, with how I look and how I feel. The journey is not over yet, I doubt it will ever be over. I just need to settle down with someone at last.
As a bisexual person, I can’t fully relate to heterosexual people or homosexual ones either. I rarely feel like I belong, which makes me feel like an outsider, on the verge of being kicked out at any second. Within the community, I feel the need to clarify and justify myself all the time.
Inside the community, I can’t talk about my relationships freely, especially those that involve men. Because if I do, I will be seen as suspicious. I have to follow up with “And women too” if I ever talked about men, in order to be granted a permit into the community. I feel like I am viewed as half-gay, which would make people give me only half their love or half their support. I am not sure how real those feelings are, but it is the vibe I get. Even when I like a girl, I am always met with rejection and distrust. Lesbian women think that bisexual women aren’t trustworthy, and that they’d eventually end up with a man. As if I can’t stop the swathes of men and women I am attracted to! When I think about the possibility of going into a relationship with a man, does that mean I am no longer part of the community? Would my friends in the community accept or understand it if I 2
wanted to marry a guy and have kids? Do I really have to justify myself all the time? Do I really have to come out over and over again to those who don’t believe me? Do I have to walk in with a girl in my arm in order to be accepted among my friends? Do I have to take turns sleeping with men and women every day to be deemed bisexual? How come the same people who want their bedrooms to be a private matter are the ones who pressure me about mine? I am uncertain till now whether my bisexuality is a gift or a curse.
It is a curse since you’re trapped between choices, but it is a gift because it opened my eyes to things I would’ve never experienced otherwise. Romance with women is different from romance with men, sex with women is different from sex with men. Understanding those differences made me a better person, a more tolerant person towards other people’s differences, more understanding, more compassionate, etc
No matter how confusing everything is, how emotionally and mentally-draining those thoughts and questions are, I am still grateful. My struggles have helped shape my life and my personality the way they are now. I needed the time to love myself, my body and my mind. I still need more time to figure out where my romantic life will go from here.
I can finally say that I am on a solid ground towards my body, my soul and my mind. I can finally understand the issues and struggles I went through in hindsight. I am 33 and I am finally starting to accept myself. Yet I feel like I’ve been alive for 2 and a half years only. I guess it is the price of knowledge which we all pay, maybe the only difference in the prices we pay is according to one’s background and struggles.
Choices, choices - Yehia
My sexual orientation did not reveal itself to me all at once; it started gradually in high school.
When I was 18, the internet wasn’t as available as it is now, getting to websites and information on them was not easy. I had no idea what groups or communities were. And it was almost impossible to get to an objective, scientific view on gender identity and sexuality.
So it became a matter of self-exploration; a process that took so much time and mental effort.
What made it more difficult is my aversion to befriending people who are visibly gay or so on. I am sorry to say it, but it is true. It goes back to certain social considerations I have to take in
order to survive. I don’t disclose my sexuality or gender identity to anyone therefore not mingling with people from the community is part of my cover. And so, I lived in complete isolation for a while until the internet spread and online groups and forums came about, this was the first breakthrough in my journey.
What made me eventually label myself as bisexual is because simply I enjoy being with both, not equally of course. I’d always identified as hetero just because I could bond emotionally with
women. Yet I knew I had those different feelings for men as well; maybe not emotional, maybe
sexual only. But doesn’t this count? To me, for a while, it did not. I thought it was something I
could put behind me and file under sexual nonsense. I even visited a doctor, years ago, who
dismissed the idea of me being gay or part of the
LGBTQ+ spectrum simply because I feel attracted
to women. He told me I was suffering from
hallucinations or dark fantasies. I trusted him; as
a doctor, I assumed he knew what he was doing.
But of course now I know how ignorant his advice
was. Following his advice, I let myself enter a
heterosexual relationship that ended quite badly
when I figured out that what I have is far beyond
fantasies; I do long for men.
Yet still I could not wrap my head around the duality of my situation. I am neither 100% gay nor 100% straight. I couldn’t belong to either sides. Then I was introduced to the concept of bisexuality. You’d think that was the end of my confusion, it wasn’t.
I still had to wrap my head around how I could be sexually attracted to something but romantically more involved in something else. Except that after some research, I found a lot of people who experience the same distinctions. As for my heterosexual friends, well, something doesn’t make complete s
s
to me. I find myself sometimes participating with them when they poke fun at homosexual people. I never say something particularly offensive, but I laugh at their jokes. I never internalize them or take them personally I feel like my homosexuali
is
ust an aspect of my own self that stands out or recedes from time to time. But I find myself wondering sometimes; what would happen if this small detail- which I don’t define myself by- was disclosed to those friends of mine? Would they still be my friends? This thought haunts me when I am around them, and it stops me from opening up to them I always thought it would be easy to separate the two things; I can keep their friendship and keep my orientation hidden. But that is no longer true, I find myself straying away gradually from those who I can’t come out to, since I no longer have the time or patience to lie and conceal. I don’t see the point of a friendship where I have to censor myself or change the details of a story in order to fit the listener’s views of the world. How can I seek a friend’s advice in a problem that I cannot truthfully share?!
That’s why now I opt more for my friends from within the community. Those are the ones I could be more myself with. But the situation is still far from perfect. Thinking about it, sexuality or gender are not enough as a basis for friendship. It is not a common ground big enough to ensure that people fit together. It is as illogical as choosing friends based on whether they support the same football team I support. We might share the love for the same club, but that does not stop the other person from being a complete asshole in my eyes for other reasons! I have friends who are heterosexual but they are liberal enough to accept differences, I find harmony with those far more than the ones I befriended from within the community based on nothing but our shared sexuality or gender expression. As a bisexual, I am stigmatized a bit within the community; we’re basically a minority within a minority. As a bisexual, you’re always misunderstood. You are seen as a promiscuous sex deviant who cannot get enough women or men. 5
While the truth of being bisexual is being puzzled and unsure. Who will you end up with? Who do you love? Who are you inclined more towards? In order to answer all these questions, you
have to go into relationships that are doomed, just to find out your truth. I feel that while
homosexual people suffer, it’s never from uncertainty. They know what they are and what they
love. They don’t have to think about the trade-off between their sexual and romantic
inclinations. Their heads are unlikely to burst with possibilities, choices and complications.
In the end, I still wonder about things, I still live my life with the utmost secrecy. I still hide myself to keep my job and my social status. Deep down, there’s nothing more depressing than this; thinking about how useful you are as a member of society, whilst knowing how this society will quickly kick you out and disown you if it saw you for what you really are; an LGBTQ+ individual
I Contain Multitudes -Nader
Since I was young, I always identified as heterosexual. I loved girls, I couldn’t see myself having sex except with a biological female. I liked talking to women, and they liked me back since I am a bit good-looking. That was supposed to be enough, to feel enough, right? But it never did, and that created a lot of struggle and mystery within me. Why wasn’t it enough? What is missing? Our society dictates that, as a man, I should be in charge of the relationship. I used to do that, then find myself growing sick and tired in a few days and so I look for something else where I don’t have any responsibility to shoulder. This was hard to find, especially because most girls I met wanted to take the conventional path of marriage and starting a family, something I find very unlikely to happen for me since I gravitate more towards polyamory.
In attempts to find the missing piece, I started to look for unconventional relationships on porn websites, until one day I saw something that was new to me and felt close to that missing piece I keep trying to find. I saw a video of a woman fucking a man violently. I quickly closed the video, toxic masculinity had gotten the best of me back then, it was demeaning for a man to assume this role in a relationship. Yet I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
But I was at least introduced to the idea; the fact that it exists and other people- other menaccept it and do it. I was introduced to many things back then; the idea of kink in general, BDSM, master and slave dynamic and so on. I was thankful I could speak English since the Arabic content on these matters is almost non-existent. I could only find English text that attempts to dissect these kinks, and trace them back to many psychological, physiological and circumstantial factors.
After some reading, I learned there was no right or wrong, nothing sane or abnormal. I learned to accept my inclinations, even though I knew quite well nobody will accept me, so I had to hide. I faked an account on social media in order to talk to women and propose the kind of relationship I am looking for I was chastised and my
messages were taken and shared for everyone to see and assist in the mockery and slandering. I did not harass any of these women, just to be clear, I always wait long enough to go through an introductory phase where I can tell that the woman is interested in me, then I make my offer, which they had all the right to refuse. It’s as basic as supply and demand, really. Yet thankfully, I finally met people who are like me. I found a group for BDSM lovers and I met a gay man there. We talked a lot, nothing about our talks was the least bit repulsive to me, until we met one day and had the best sex of my life. I had mixed feelings; I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed this but does that mean I am gay? I couldn’t see a chance for finding the same kind of sex I had with him with a woman, so we started a relationship in secret. It worked out for a while but then he started to get jealous of my female colleagues. The breaking point for me was when I saw him try to use what we do in bed on me in general. I felt hurt and belittled, by none other than a man, my own kind I met a Transman afterwards who got me more involved in the community and helped me discover my polyamorous side. But after a while I was put in a situation that caused a dire threat to my personal safety so I had to withdraw from the community and focus on my studies and my future only.
But even then, I did not know what pansexuality is. I just thought I had a bigger appetite, more lust in me than average and I only had to consume that energy before it consumed me. I was only introduced to pansexuality through a workshop I attended, which opened my eyes on things like sexual preferences and gender expression and all the intersections that lie between those. I understood how a type could be divided into further subtypes because you just cannot simply categorize and label something as fluid and as inherent to our psyche as gender and sexual orientation. Maybe all those realizations are the reason why I am still thankful to everyone I met through this workshop and everything I learned.
The best part about the workshop was not having to conceal myself or censor my words. At first, I was very weary of talking openly, but as the conversation progressed, it did not seem like a usual conversation between community members. They were activists who were trying to raise the community above its petty quarrels and offensive labels. Yes, we are a community that supports each other but sometimes, we hurt, bully and discriminate against each other as well. Basically, we project on each other what we once suffered from by the hands of the bigger society. It is such a strange spot to be in; those who know your weak points in order to protect you are those who’d use the same weak points to bully you and make jokes on your expense. They may even gain popularity over how “funny” they could be. For instance, whenever I mention I am Pan I 8
get the “So you’re into Trannies then!” comment. What does that even mean? What is being into Trans people? What’s the plot behind chasing trans people only? What would I gain? I like Trans people because I am Pan, and I am Pan because I like how it feels with different genders. It’s
not even one feeling that I am after, it’s the spectrum of feelings. I can’t tell you whether it is feeling safe, or in danger, or strong, or weak, or all of this combined. All of these feelings are welcomed, all at once.
Sometimes I wonder if I am really capable of love. If all I am after is lust, would it ever run out? If I loved someone, could I remain faithful? If I loved someone, would they be okay with polyamory? Would I be okay with them being okay?!
I contain multitudes; I am the cute little guy, I am a thug, I am a nerd, I am a cool kid, I am all of these combined. Sometimes I feel worn out, completely consumed in all my differences. Sometimes I fear I am schizophrenic or just a wildly inconsistent person.
OF course, in the midst of this all, I had many conflicts with my family and I had to move out. We are not even on speaking terms anymore. This made me feel how disposable we are to our parents; no matter how much love you put in or how much sacrifice you endure in order to make them happy, they’d stigmatize you and shun you if you couldn’t prove yourself to be exactly what they want you to be. I was the closest one of my siblings to my mother, that did not stop her from turning on me when she suspected my sexuality.
When I think back to everything that happened in my life, I can’t believe how eventful it’s been and I cannot be any more grateful to the circumstances that raised me and shaped me the way I am today. I now own an idea, a business opportunity that’s promising to grow. I believe I would’ve been far more passive than this if I’d had a more cushioned life. I wouldn’t be out here trying to help people not go through what I went through. I am proud, I know I am off to a good start, and there’s more to come. 9
Timing
Isis
You know what they say: “To define is to limit” , and that’s why I don’t like labels. That’s why I identify as queer, just to encompass how fluid everything is. Everything came to me a bit later than usual. As a child, I used to have wet dreams about women. I couldn’t understand it, but I knew it was wrong since I’ve been taught like
ybody else that anything sexual is wrong. I was still getting att
t
to men, so I did
t worry myself too much about those ideas. Except that it got worse by college, until I stopped and told myself: so be it, what if I like women. It also helped that I was becoming less religious as I grew older. As for gender, I always felt like a man. I talked like men, dressed like men and did my hair like men. All my friends were boys and I swear- it could be true as well- that my voice got deeper and thicker as I got older. All of this made girls keep a suspicious distance from me, and it always made me wonder; what sets us so far apart like that.
Yet this all started changing in college, for example, I started wearing a bit of makeup. I admit
that in my case self-exploration occurred at an older age than most cases, and I don’t know whether this relates to my cognition or something else. But it might simply be about the best timing for my personality to evolve.
I used to feel confused and scared of sudden changes; why would I buy a dress and refuse to
wear it the next day? What causes the sudden shift in desires in both cases? I used to think I must be unstable if I experience such wild shifts. I need to be fixed. But now I am much more at ease, and more understanding of those changes.
When I am dating guys, I am not particularly more feminine or anything. They claim they find my roughness attractive, but still they’d talk to me about how women act or dress and ask me why
I’m not like that.
It’s been 10 years since I first used eye liner, I can say that I’ve discovered this other side of me
And as a result, I am not the same anymore; everything, including my beliefs, my ideas, my
orientations and even the way I feel about myself and my body, has changed.
And it still is changing. Yes, I do look more like women nowadays but I still feel like a man every now and then. I still get attracted to both men and women. Each experience with each gender adds something to me, teaches me something about myself I did not know I could feel. My experiences taught me more about myself than all the information I’ve gathered reading about gender identities and sexual orientations.
I grew more mature and more accepting of the “contradictions” I contain within me I am no longer ashamed of liking women or being attracted to many people at once. I no longer feel dirty or deviant because of my desires. The conflicts between my beliefs and my thoughts have subsided, and I learned to shed the mold I was put in by society since birth. I can’t say that self-acceptance is an easy path, though. The fact that I am an artist has helped me through it. The exercises we did for acting on stage help us communicate with ourselves better and learn to accept our bodies, no matter how they look.
I am proud of what I’ve achieved so far, but I still worry. Anyone like me who lives in a country like ours has to worry. You worry, first and foremost, that someone finds out. This could be anyone who shouldn’t know, not to even mention a family member, which is an unimaginable disaster for me. Anyone in your circles is a threat if they find out, like what happened to me earlier this year.
I’ve been working in my field for 8 years, I’ve got good experience and attended many workshops around the world. That’s why It was weird for me to get rejected for work so often. Until once a girl told me that people wouldn’t give me work because I am a homosexual and they are not really queer-friendly at all. Generally speaking, homosexual is a stigma anywhere outside our community. I broke down crying, I was in shock that this is what I am being called now, I wondered who said it and who else heard and how far it has spread. I’d landed a gig the day before that day, only to find out the next day that my name was taken off the project. Just me, nobody else. When I asked I was told because of the budget and the director’s vision for the project. Same director who’d chosen me one day ago, decided to let me go now for absolutely no reason and before one minute of work.
I felt sorry for myself; all my work and my experience, all I’ve done so far is in danger of going to waste because someone called me a homosexual. Even if I was, what would be so scary and
repulsive about it? Also, I am not homosexual.
I never said that back because I did not want to have homosexuality viewed as a sin I’m trying to
distance myself from. Given I am a lesbian, did the director pick me up to have sex with me, and now he can’t? Or if I am a lesbian, will I go around raping women? What’s the point of rejecting me based on my alleged sexuality?!
I stayed at home, locked myself in to cry for an entire month after this incident. I felt stuck in a jar, breathless. I couldn’t even try to avenge for myself or even say screw them I’ll leave the country. Leaving isn’t always a viable option. I felt like I was held in a cell too small to contain me Truly, as if this country is too small to contain me, or as if I am too big to let myself be shackled by it. It is not arrogance, I just feel like I’ve put in so much and I’ve gone so far to let my career die. For what? For the possibility of being homosexual? Is this even an offense to anybody?
And what’s left for me to do? Should I go around defending myself from an accusation that I don’t believe is true nor sinful to begin with? Besides, who should I confront? The people who rejected me would never straight-up tell me they did so because I am a homosexual, so there is no chance for me to try and put up a fight, one which I am bound to lose anyway. All this is just things you hear on the grapevine while hanging out in cafes.
Seek Help -Kareem
It’s a matter of principle for me that what happened get told; experiences are meant to be shared not left to sink into oblivion.
I am almost 30 years old now, I can see younger people falling into the same traps I’d fallen for
earlier They need all the help they can get, especially when they come from strict and conservative backgrounds like mine.
I was told that music is a sin, art and drawing are a sin. I loved both music and drawing so it was the first thing I dared to be different about. I started noticing how people would do the same things they preached against doing. So I started to develop a mind of my own at a young age.
When I was at school, I had a platonic love affair with a boy in my class. In the face of my classmates’ mockery and questioning, I told them I loved Wael my friend and intended to marry him. I even told my mother about it when I arrived home. I couldn’t fathom why they’d laugh at me. My mother told me that this was so wrong some people are killed for it. I was incredulous, I thought this was another one of mother’s empty threats and orders; sleep early, drink milk, wake up at 6 am, and don’t love a boy. My experience is far from pure or innocent, I was abused at a young age. It all started with the 21-year old Imam in our neighborhood. He started to get closer to me and we slipped into this unnatural, twisted relationship. Being that young, I was so happy with the attention I had from someone older. But it took me long to know what’s in it for him. He got close to many other young boys, all with their parents’ blessings. They put their blind faith in religion and all those who represent it- including this man- that they never questioned his existence around their own precious children. My strict parents even let me stay the night at his place under the pretense of tutoring me in religion. I remember my shock and disgust when he asked me if I wanted him to become my father. Although I hadn’t seen too many great things from my dad, I still held him in much higher regard than likening him to my abuser. By the time I reached 14, I was absolutely sure this man was simply the Devil himself, as I watched him try to get suspiciously closer to my own mother. His influence on me is so insidious and invasive, I’d say he influenced my own sexual
overcame that The more I overcome, the more I heal broken
There was this public awareness advertisement I
t
see
sub
t
s. It reads “If you’re in trouble, seek help” and has a picture of a young kid crying. At first, I thought it was about orphaned or homeless children. But after some deliberate examination I discovered it was
an anti- child abuse campagain. It hit close to home for me, due to my history. I wished this had been an option for me when I was young. I wished I could find a real savior, instead of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I still wish I could heal the emotional trauma that people like me have gone through by offering psychological support and care to victims of child abuse. I wish we could somehow put an end to the vicious cycle of abuse we are stuck in. I wish everyone could learn about self-love and believe in their self-worth.
In the end, I know I’ve become so fond of anything unconventional, anything that break out of norms and defies expectations. I learned that I don’t see gender, I only see personality traits that either draw me closer or push me away. I learned that, come a certain formative age, one makes a decision to change the things they never had enough courage to change before. But change itself is inevitable.
The Way to Self-love
-Rabeh
I’ve always known I was gay since I was a child. Two years ago, however, I stumbled upon a video
for a Transman. It made me feel things and out of curiosity I also watched videos for
Transwomen, and I also felt attracted.
I shared this with my friends from the community, they are nice people and all. But as most of these gatherings go, you cannot open up about yourself or your inclinations without expecting a fair amount of mockery. So their reaction was cracking jokes about my femininity and talking about how I am nothing but a gay bottom and that’s all I can be in bed.
This made me upset back then, it felt like being shoved into the water when you don’t know how
to swim. It made me decide to never express myself or share my thoughts or what happens in my bed with them. Whenever I am asked, I say what’s expected of me to say. I have to say that
so I wouldn’t hear something upsetting, because you can’t afford to be upset. You don’t want to
be a downer, you always have to laugh; either at yourself or at others. Everything is a joke, anything can be made fun of. But my sexuality isn’t a joke to me so I have to keep it sheltered from them.
I wasn’t raped when I was a kid as what most people presume. In fact, I started exploring my male classmates since kindergarten. This is how my parents found out. When they did, I got
beaten up so badly by my father that I vowed to never let anything like this show ever again. But in 4th primary I had a crush on a shopkeeper in our neighborhood. Strange, isn’t it? I still find it odd to this day.
By the time I hit puberty I was certain I am only attracted to boys. I went online and found out about the existence of homosexuality. It just made sense, I naturally accepted myself and never thought of the whole thing as sinful in any way Maybe that’s why I outed myself so badly to my family that eventually I was literally kicked out of my family home.
When I came out as pansexual, those who accepted me as gay couldn’t accept me as pansexual.
I was described as “would fuck anything that moves” to my face I was told that me being with
another woman is too disgusting to think about.
My relationship with my family hit rock-bottom
5 years ago. It all started when I left my
Facebook account open and my brother saw
pictures of me and my boyfriend. He told my
father right away without confronting me first.
My father is a man from Upper Egypt; to his
mind, he has to get the whole family involved
into my life and fix it. The result was I was
under house arrest for a year, I did not go to
high school, and my cell phone was taken
away. I had another one that I kept tucked in
my boxers and only used in the bathroom My
father and uncle tied me up and took me
somewhere to a Sheikh to diagnose me. He
told them I was an addict and I must get
tested They were so happy with the Sheikh’s
advice and thanked him for his efforts. They
even paid him for his discovery.
I was then taken to a psychiatrist, the least I
could call him is a homophobe. He asked me
whether I was a homosexual and when I said
no- to try not to make my situation worse- he called my family into the room and told them I
was schizophrenic. He prescribed me sleeping pills and medicine for psychosis and depression. The first week on those meds I
was so sedated that I couldn’t leave my bed, I’d piss myself because I couldn’t stand up and go to the bathroom. I still had to at least
pretend to take them, so I used to keep them
below my tongue and spit them out in the
toilet after a while. I did this for a month, till
the pills ran out, then I had to pretend to be straight just to convince them that the
medicine has worked and there is no need to
take more of it.
Until one night after a while I’d just arrived
home from work when I found my uncles in
front of our building. They assaulted me and forced me to sign a paper that says that I
follow the people of Sodom and thereby don’t
belong to this family and have no right to an inheritance from them. They told to go pack my
stuff and leave for good. I went upstairs;
injured and shattered inside out, to find my
aunts cursing at me and throwing my
belongings in my face. I collected what I could
and left what I left and just ran the hell out. I
had 200 pounds to my name and it was 2 am
on a winter night I had nowhere to go so I
spent the night under a bridge. I spent a whole
week on the streets and whenever I called
anyone they’d tell yes sure come and when I
got there they’d start to talk to me about how
great my body is and how I could use to make
a lot of money. I am not into the idea, even though I don’t have anything against sex work,
I just don’t feel it’s suitable for me personally.
It was like everything was standing against my will to live. I was disappointed at people who
I’d thought would rush to save me when I needed, yet they never really did.
Miraculously, a week later, I found a job opening in a pharmacy. I applied right away because I had previous experience with this job. I got accepted and after I did, I claimed that I lived very far away from them and convinced them to let me stay the night in the pharmacy in exchange for working longer
shifts. They agreed. I stayed there for a year,
during which I was paid well and I could save
up for renting an apartment and buying
appliances. But then- unluckily- the pharmacy closed.
I have got no family now but my mother. She’s
my only connection to home. We’ve met only
twice in the past year and a half but we talk
regularly. She accepts me but, uninformed as
she is, she still asks me to “become normal
again” so I’d make up with my father I tell her
that my father, who’s supposed to be my
shield, let my uncles assault me while he’s
still alive, what would they do to me when he’s
dead? What good is he if he can’t and won’t
protect me?
She thinks I am a Transwoman because I
always liked to wear mascara. She told me she
read about it and could help me do the
operation to “shift” .
My family denied me education and affection.
During the time I was grounded, my brother
was out there living his life happily, normally.
Meanwhile, I don’t even own a mobile or a penny or 10 minutes of privacy in the
bathroom without hearing a knock on the door and a question.
Granted, things are tight now financially, but I
couldn’t be more comfortable. I am finally free,
I got to do as I please, and this is something I
wanted to experience. Even with the tough
circumstances, I managed to turn my
apartment into some sort of shelter for anyone
in the community who’s struggling. My life is
currently on hold until I am done with my
military service. Joining the military is a
nightmare I don’t want to even consider. But I
can’t get a job now until I am cleared from the
military. That’s why I could go on for a day or
two without food, as I am too broke to afford it.
If a friend invited me for lunch, I still have to
worry about money for transportation to get
me there. These are tough times but I am
trying to grow equally tough as well. And I
promise myself that better times are yet to
come.
To me, safety and support is knowing that I
could be frank and open about myself without
the fear of ridicule or disgust. It is really as
simple as that: a safe space is a space without
bullying or mockery.
Although far-fetched, I dream that one day we
could be free to express ourselves the way we
want in a
society where
people live and let live.
In Egypt, especiall
y in less
affluent
areas, people
are all up
everyone
else’s
business, and I doubt this would change soon. Still, I don’t aspire to travel because I believe we
are the only agents of change here, no matter how slow it is. If we all traveled, who’d be left to push for change?
After all is said and done, my skin has grown unbelievably thick. I know I have it within me to withstand any more trauma.
The Secret Game
-Noor
I was referred to as both a fuckboy and a whore by my male friends at school, which I found strange. I mean, we were fine doing this together and even racing to see who comes fir
time I reached high school, I thought the natural order of things was that everyone fucks everyone regardless of their gender. One of my guy friends, one I fooled around with, told me that we’re going to meet those 2
a house. Again, strange, what would we do there? He kissed me on the lips and said “this, but with them this time” , it was the first of many more times, as I seem to enjoy both men and women.
s
After high school, I surmised that a normal job in this country is practically useless when your dream is to travel abroad. So I tried different things, one of which was politics. I joined many parties, read many manifestos and deserted many of them afterwards. I found myself closest to the Liberal movement, so I read and worked in the field till I became relatively known And on one of the social media Liberal groups I was asked if I supported gay rights. So, the dictionary meaning of gay is happy, and that was the extent of my knowledge about the matter back then. When I replied saying that yes, I support everyone’s right to be gay (as in happy), I was met was too much excitement which I couldn’t understand And that prompted an online search where I was first introduced to the all the letters forming the spectrum; LGBTQI+ Where I came from there are no identities; you’re either a man or a faggot. Faggot! So, my friends meant it when they said it! Is this why my parents used to hit me?!
I could only then understand what had gone on the past 10 years, and the religious zeal kicked in. I cut all my ties with those whom I sleep with, I started praying and asking god to literally castrate me in order to fight this. Then I started to wonder; why ask god to help me fight what he created in me in the first place? After a while, I was back at it again. I befriended the guy who’d asked me about gay rights before. We got a bit closer and all I was hoping was getting a glimpse into his world; the world which I know I belong to as well.
He invited me to his birthday party, and added “I will tell people that you’re my husband though”
I was shocked and resistant at that stage, so I
told him that noway I’d go into a party
introducing myself as another guy’s husband
while I am still recovering from the shock of
knowing that I am gay.
Nevertheless, we both, by chance, met
someone who was our gateway to the
community. He had this pleasant way of
explaining complicated things such as gender
and sexuality. He was a bit older and had so
many friends, I felt like the new kid on the
block. But that never affected work, it may
have affected my relationship with my
girlfriends. It also affected, most importantly,
my relationship with my brother. I couldn’t
introduce him to my new friends, even though
he knew all the guys I used to sleep with in the
past.
As work got better, I decided to move out and settle down on my own. I took the step at 21
years old, after I’d saved up some seed money.
My family did not take this lightly, neither did I.
It was a big responsibility, to my mind, to
manage my own life and not let things slip out
of control once I am completely free.
I worked on a project that has to do with
combating HIV, it was a complete success that
had international outreach. Everything was
fine, mainly. My only problem is the space
between me and my brother; my confidante. I
was used to telling him everything, and now I
couldn’t So one day, I just came out to him
After the longest 20 seconds of silence I’ve
ever witnessed in my life, he said “it’s not your
choice, but you know the society we live in. Try
to stay out of trouble. ” I told him that I was
leaving the country soon, he said he’d help me
if I promised to let our parents know.
I sold my car to afford college tuition abroad, I
applied and got my visa. When I did, I told my
mother that I was traveling.
She’d gotten used to me traveling a lot for a
few days, so hearing that this time it’ll be 3
years was quite a shock to her. I did not think
she’d care that much so I tried calming her
down and explaining to her that I was doing
this for work and so on. She asked me to tell
my father that I was leaving, which wasn’t
honestly part of my plan. But I did, and his
reply was bizarre. He said “When you asked to
travel before I used to let you, knowing that
you have some things to come back to. Now I
know you don’t. So if you never came back,
nobody would be able to stop you” He was
even testing the waters on the topic of
homosexuality, and that was enough for me to
end the conversation and leave.
After graduating, I landed a good job with a
good salary. So naturally all the nagging about
marriage started. It was never part of my plans
even though I never stopped having
relationships with women. In one particular
relationship, I tried taking things a step
further. We got engaged, but I couldn’t tell her I
was bisexual. And when there was another guy
in my life that I could not tell her about, I
decided to break up with her
She’d met him before, all she knew was that
he was my friend, but he knew about the
whole situation. I could not live with guilt, I
couldn’t wait to shock her with the truth after
marriage. And that’s why I left.
This relationship made me notice that I am
more attached to men than women; I could
survive without women when the right man is
around, but not vice versa. That holds true on
both sexual and romantic levels.
I was able to overcome internalized
homophobia through my work, especially
during HIV campaigns. I was able to openly
stand up for any LGBTQ+ person, I’d simply and
unequivocally kick out any bullies off our
team. I was able to openly say I was bisexual
to anyone I befriend. I could accept myself
especially after coming out to my brother.
A while later, the 25th of January revolution
started, my brother and I became regulars at
the square. One time, another guy in the sit-in
said “See how the square is full of faggots” , I
said “So?”, and he said “So what? They’d defile
the place!” I personally despise the words
defile or desecrate, so I couldn’t stop myself
from screaming back “So the joint you smoke
won’t defile it? the girls you fuck won’t defile
it? But faggots will?” At that point my brother
intervened to calm me down and started
talking instead of me about gay rights for 45 minutes.
Amazingly, my brother seems to have done his
homework so well that some people thought
he was the gay one. He became less and less
popular because of this, but he did not mind it.
His move gave me a lot more guts, so that
whenever someone approached me to ask
about my sexuality, I’d just tell them “I am gay,
or bisexual, or whatever as long as I’m
nowhere near fucking you!”
Another thing I noticed during the revolution is
how many LGBTQI+ people were there. I could
see how they are out there fighting repression;
both internal and external. I could see how
they let themselves rise above and break all
the taboos, one by one.
I was arrested during the protests, of course
the first thing a police officer tried on me is
threatening to tell my mother that her son was
a faggot I remember how I confidently replied
“Would you like my mum to tell you how many
men I slept with?” It was just a ploy; she knew
nothing. I was dead scared he’d take my word
for it and go tell her But I tried to pull the
“another passport” card; the fact that I have a
dual citizenship, as that was the only
guarantee for my safety. During the time I
spent in jail, I was visited by many friends from the square, including a girl I’d recently
met. She seemed so caring and sweet although she knew I was bisexual.
After I was released from jail, we got closer;
her and I. We stayed close through many
relationships with many men. Until I met a guy
who I really liked so I introduced them both to
each other. There were both fine with it, and
with each other; in fact, they used to go out
together for breakfast sometimes. I married
the girl soon after, but problems started to
arise. He grew jealous and so did she and all
we ever did since then was fight. Things got
pretty draining towards the end till I decided to
leave both of them. I then left Egypt again and became distant from everyone again.
After all, I learned to know a lot, befriend a lot and love a lot but never give my all. There are no absolutes, not in love or anything else. Everything must have its limits, including your love for a friend or a partner. I have always wanted to travel abroad, mainly because I wanted to walk the streets unafraid of who I am and people’s reactions towards that. I wanted not to hide or lie or deceive anybody just in order to get by.
Limitless -Ikram
Finding out about my sexuality came in a life-altering moment during highschool. It’s around
this age that one starts to wonder about everything around them as much as everything within them.
I wasn’t very open-minded back then and had zero knowledge of the existence of a community for people like us. Unconventional gender expressions were a first for me, like seeing a guy wearing makeup and so on. It made me think about all the possibilities for self-expression beyond what society has engraved in us. When watching movies, I was always impressed by the fact that there are some celebrities that look like us and express themselves like us. Then I was gradually introduced to the community in Egypt, which was a turning point just to feel a sense of camaraderie among others here. All of this has led me to explore myself and feel free to accept any results I come out with. I started exploring my sexuality before my gender. When I was 17, I’d just broken up with a boyfriend I had. I
everyone I meet. This important consideration is what holds me back when it comes to gender expression. It also makes me sometimes wonder whether this all would’ve been easier if I was born a man. I wonder, would it have been automatically more convenient for me, or would I’ve suffered from other problems I am unaware of at the moment?
It’s not easy for me to be myself in our society. Take work for example, I used to work in a place that claimed that it did not discriminate on any basis, be it sex, race, religion. However they had expectations of a “proper” man or woman, which I did not fit, and as a result, they fired me. They used to comment on my tattoos and how I generally look “different” I was told in the beginning that I had to go because I lack the skills to be a trainer, so I said fine, let me go back to being an assistant. They refused that too! No reasons given. Then I went back again to them and asked if there was anything wrong I’d done They confirmed that there wasn’t anything wrong, but still, they could no longer hire me. I concluded that it was my looks that caused this. I never got to the bottom of this. But I guess it is expected in Egypt that standing out or defying the herd mentality would get you into trouble.
Once before I was fired, a 7 year old that I train approached me and asked my tattoos were permanent. I said they were. He replied “Don’t you know miss that people who get tattoos are godless?” It was apparent how the boy was nothing but a vessel of his parents’ words, and it’s reflective of how the whole society works and what it believes in.
When other people condescendingly note that they feel like they are talking to a man when they are talking to me, it’s often a stab at my “femininity” as a woman, but I always take it as a compliment! Honestly, it feeds my ego to know that I sometimes express my gender so accurately and subconsciously that people can’t help but notice. But of course, to men in our society, their comments are nothing but their discomfort because I don’t fit the softvoiced, shy and vulnerable sort of image they have of women.
I now have more peace and acceptance in standing my ground against society. I can easily say that yes I don’t fit your stereotypes and I don’t aspire to. But the problem lies more in relationships. What if I started something romantic with someone but then got fed up with the conventional role I have in the relationship dynamic and I wanted to switch? Would they still accept me then? Would they like both my feminine and masculine side? Equally? All those
concerns lead me back into a bubble of introversion and despair, so I go back to acting and behaving more conventionally around people just to keep the peace.
I haven’t fully come out to many people yet.
Two of those who know about my sadly live
outside of Egypt. They are closest to my heart
but the physical distance makes it hard for us
to communicate. I still remember the ease and comfort of telling them about myself, and them accepting me instantaneously
But of course, I never said anything to my
family. To my mind, I’ve never given them any hints from near or far. But there was one incident that happened when I was still living
with them. One day, I had a cigarette rolled and my phone rang so I decided to lock myself in
the room on the pretense of having an important phone call, I was just trying to enjoy
the cigarette in peace. Suddenly I heard
pounding on the door and my mother kept on
shrieking my name. I ended the call and ran to
her expecting someone dead. I found her
asking why I closed my room door. I said “I had a call, and for privacy generally, mom. ” She replied with a bombshell question “Are you
gay?”, I said “No!”
"Sure?” She said
"Yes, sure!” I said.
That took me a while to process; I couldn’t see
it coming at all because I’d been careful not to
let anything show. I try to keep both lives as
separate as possible. As for my tattoos and so
on, I’d just go get a tattoo and let them deal
with the fact in retrospect. They keep on
talking about god, people and society
disapproving all of this. And I keep telling
them I didn’t care. It’d gotten so bad when I
used to live with them that I had to take a
decisive step and move out. I did not want to
repeat my mother’s awful mistake; she ran
away from her parent’s home to get married. I
did not want history to repeat itself. So I laid
some groundwork over years, trying to
normalize the idea with them. Then when I
secured a job and a source of income, I
revealed my plan to move out to them. I told
them that the decision had been made, and it
was only up to them to support me or stand in
my way. It was evident that I wasn’t going to
back down, and that I was ready to shoulder
my own responsibility and fix my own
problems.
Some time ago, I went to visit my mother and I
was surprised to find her admitting how
responsible I’ve become. I could see my life
develop and my ability to take care of myself
get better once I moved out. Of course I am not
fully free yet, but I’ve got more freedom now. I can invite friends over, I can do as I please and express myself a bit more openly than before. I feel I have the time, privacy and peace of mind to start taking care of myself or developing my skills in things I like.
I was way more close-minded in the past, but it’s safe to say that I’ve learned a lot and that has opened me up a lot to different things. A lot of things have changed; to the better, by my own doing. There is still more to come, of course but as far as where I am now is concerned, I’ve done a good job.
