ā¢Strengthening relationships with people already in our
ā¢Making friends with anyone as long as itās comfortable
ā¢Quality over quantity
ā¢Maintaining current romantic relationships
ā¢How to communicate with our friends and partners
ā¢What if weāve hurt someone
ā¢If someone decides to leave, or if we decide to leave
ā¢Dealing with family
ā¢Creating safe social circles
ā¢Dealing with people in the workplace and educational institutions safely
ā¢Chapter conclusion
A lot of people may wonder:
ā¢Why do we use dating apps
ā¢Your profile: who am I?
ā¢To share or not to share
ā¢How can we know if the person weāre talking to is safe
ā¢What if weāre the ones who did something wrong?
ā¢Signs to help us figure out if weāre comfortable
ā¢When we decide to meet up with someone, how to do it safely?
ā¢Digital security: why is important in the context of dating apps?
ā¢Checking in with ourselves
ā¢Chapter conclusion
āWhy a handbook discussing social health?ā The truth is, caring about mental and social health is no longer a luxury. It is an integral part of our quality of life, especially for a community that continuously faces societal and mental pressures, like the queer community. Societal pressure, stigmatization, and discrimination do not only emotionally affect us on a daily basis, But they also leave a deep mark on the details of how we carry out our lives, on our decisions, our relationship, our feeling of safety and belonging, on the way we view ourselves, and the way we conceal ourselves from those around us
there are those who try to live normally, to work, fall in love, spend time with friends, but theyāre not able to completely find comfort, a part of them never can. Not because they lack anything, but because sometimes, society makes even the simplest of things tiring. Whether that be how we dress, how our eyes communicate, even down to the words we say. There are people who go through life calculating their every move. This makes any relationship feel exhausting and unhealthy, which is not a good way for us to live. we crave having true friends, being in a healthy romantic relationship, or getting to know people casually without causing ourselves pain or harm.
You might find it a bit difficult to read some of the contents of this handbook. Of course, the intention of this text is not at all to cause emotional stress or open up old wounds. But sometimes when we read something that strongly relates to us, It can bring to mind past memories, of things that happened to us, It can make us upset, Or unable to continue reading.
This handbook is here to open a space:
A space to talk about the psychosocial health of the queer community,
Not in a medical or complicated way,
But in a language that is simple, recognizable One through which we can truly connect with ourselves and understand what weāre going through.
Weāll talk about how we can stay mentally stable amid all these challenges, How to find support,
How to find reassurance from people around us, How to maintain our relationships and help them evolve
And to form more healthy relationships that donāt cause us harm
And how to build small communities that can serve as sanctuariesā¦ones that can put us at ease and enable us to live fearlessly as our genuine selves
And if youāve ever felt that you were the reason for someone elseās pain, even unintentionally,
Then this is also a space for us to learn, change, make amends, and treat ourselves gently without blame.
This is why this handbook is divided into three chapters:
ā¢First chapter is about mental and emotional health, and how it links to social relations, stigmatization, and the pressures we face in our day to day lives.
ā¢Second chapter is about social and romantic relationships, how to form healthy ones and how to choose friends that are genuinely supportive
ā¢And the third chapter is on dating apps, how to use them more safely and efficiently, without self-judgement and without feeling like weāre doing something wrong just for wanting connection.
Mental and Emotional Health
How to live peacefully in an oppressive environment
Life can weigh heavily sometimes, and being a member of the queer community in the Arab world can make it feel even heavier. Between the stigmatization, fear of rejection, being anxious of peopleās reactions, and feeling like you need to prove yourself or hide parts of yourself all the time, the stress is relentless.
But does this mean we have to always live in a state of conflict? On the contrary, we need to find ways to protect ourselves, And create spaces in which we can safely and comfortably exist
What does mental and emotional health entail?
Mental health isnāt only defined by the absence of disorders such as depression or anxiety, itās defined by how well youāre able to manage your emotions without feeling like they are a burden on you. It also means feeling and knowing that you deserve love and acceptance, and that you donāt have to put pressure on yourself to meet anyoneās expectations.
So, why are we starting with mental health?
The first thing we need to understand is that mental health is not necessarily just about your state of mind or general mood. It also includes the way a person treats themselves and how they deal with the challenges they face in life. Itās even more complicated when we talk specifically about our perspective (as members of the queer community) since our mental health isnāt only affected by daily struggles like most others, but we also face challenges associated with our sexual or gender identity.
Accept yourself
Self-acceptance is a crucial first step to maintain your mental health. If someone is unable to accept themselves or reconcile with their sexual identity or gender identity, it will significantly impact their mental wellbeing. Oftentimes, being rejected by family and society or feeling like an outcast can make a person feel like theyāre not good enough, and therefore they canāt fully be themselves. This can lead to feelings of isolation, as well as depression and anxiety.
If a person has self-acceptance, it helps them face external challenges better. When they learn to embrace their identity, theyāll be able to build their life with more awareness, because their acceptance helps them deal with difficult situations more effectively.
The conflict within
A lot of us go through major inner struggles. This struggle is often the result of the clash between our sexual/gender identities and what society or our family expects of us. In most countries, there is immense pressure to conform to traditions and societal norms, and this makes us feel like we canāt be ourselves. This clash greatly affects mental health.
Here is some advice that might help you move towards self-acceptance:
ā¢Write down your feelingsā¦ start an inner dialogue with yourself. Writing is a great tool to help us understand our emotions. Talk to yourself about how youāre feeling, whether you accept yourself or not. If you do, what do you love about yourself? And if you canāt accept yourself the way you are, whatās stopping you?
When we write, it allows us to see things more clearly, we can work out exactly what weāre feeling, accept these emotions, and let ourselves feel them fully. Which, in turn, helps us accept ourselves more.
ā¢Ask yourself: are the thoughts I have about myself really my own?
Take a moment to contemplate: Every time you find yourself thinking āIām not enoughā or āIām not worthyā or āthereās something wrong with meā
Ask yourself a simple question: āwhere is this coming from? Are these beliefs really my own? or is what someone else wants me to believe?"
āIs this voice my own. Or is it someone elseās voice, Someone elseās fear.ā do you find yourself repeating what society or your family tells you? Have you believed what they said about you?
Itās important to learn how to differentiate between your voice and theirs
When you realize that these thoughts are not your own, try to visualize them as a separate entity, something youāre wearing that youāre trying to take off, just like heavy baggage.
And allow yourself to feel relieved from the weight of carrying them.
ā¢Tell yourself everything youāve been longing to hear, everything you needed to hear long ago but didnāt
Tell yourself:
āIām enough just the way I amā
āThere is nothing wrong with meā
āI deserve love even if Iām differentā
āI donāt need to prove myself to anyoneā
You might not fully believe this at first, thatās okay.
But, keep going, with time youāll find that voice inside you growing and becoming more and more believable.
ā¢The mirror is not your enemy
Stand in front of a mirrorā¦ take a proper look at yourself
Try saying out loud the things you want to believe about yourself
I know it might feel a bit weird or pointlessā¦
But, trust me, when you keep telling yourself that you deserve acceptance just the way you are, you will have made a hugely important step.
Try saying:
āIām proud of myselfā
āno one can tell me what to believe about myselfā
Try and do this daily, even if itās a bit difficult at first.
With time, the way you perceive yourself will change, bit by bit
Social rejection:
Being socially rejected or feeling like youāre cast out from your family might be one of the biggest causes of mental health problems. In many instances, a person might find themselves facing oppression and bullying, whether that manifests itself in the streets, their workplace, or even at home. This kind of pressure doesnāt just affect their mental health, it also makes them feel as though they are somehow less than those around them. The state of isolation resulting from being shunned like this makes us believe that we donāt have a place in society, that weāre without value, which can develop conditions such as depression or social anxiety.
Even in presumably more open-minded societies such as Lebanon, Sahar Abeid (researcher and assistant professor in the department of Psychology at the American University in Lebanon) and her colleagues carried out a questionnaire in 2020 asking 400 people identifying as heterosexual about their views and opinions, around %35 strongly exhibited homophobic views and behaviours.
Questionnaire link
here are some things we need to remind ourselves of to help us live amongst a society that rejects us:
ā¢You are not responsible for their hate.
When youāre subjected to bullying, threats, judgy looks and glances, Remember:
āThis is more about their own fear and ignorance than it is about meā You are not the problem. They are the ones incapable of accepting diversity.
ā¢Choose your battles wisely
Not every comment is worth your reply, and not every conflict deserves your energy
Protect yourself.
Putting yourself first and choosing not to engage in something that harms you doesnāt make you weak. it takes bravery to know when to put up boundaries.
ā¢Donāt let rejection have a hold on you
Feeling rejected is exhaustingā¦but donāt let that feeling control you or control how you live your life or make your decisions.
ā¢Take care of yourself. no like, seriouslyā¦
Your wellbeing is the main objective. You deserve to treat yourself gently and not be in a constant state of struggle
Try to not stress about things that are our of your control
You donāt have to solve everything overnight. Nor are you expected to please everyone around you. Somethings will resolve on their own as time goes on, and some things may never get resolved, but the point is to not keep putting more energy into them than theyāre worth
Feeling guilty or ashamed:
In some cases, some people may suffer from a constant feeling of shame or guilt due to the hateful narratives that are pushed on everyone, Especially in our societies that consider different sexual orientations and gender identities to be wrong and unacceptable. This feeling may come as a result of social stigma, which makes it difficult for a person to deal with their feelings or seek out help for their mental health. The point is, if someone doesnāt have a network of support or anyone that is there for them, they might feel like theyāre disassociating from themselves.
The effect of social support:
On the other hand, if someone finds external support, be it from friends, romantic partner, or even queer support groups, their mental health could be hugely improved. Support doesnāt just mean talking, itās more about feeling like youāre not alone in what you go through and enabling you to face your challenges. If you have a group of people that accept youā¦almost like a chosen family, you become more capable of facing social challenges.
All in all, our mental wellbeing is greatly dependent on our ability to make peace with our identity and how we deal with the oppression and challenges we might face. And, when we find a supportive environment, whether itās within your family, friends, or your general community, it helps make our life more bearable
What affects our mental health?
ā¢Social stigma: dealing with discrimination and oppression damages your self-esteem and makes you always expect the worst of any situation
ā¢Family or social pressure: whether itās in the workplace or from your family, or even your friendships, sometimes we feel like we donāt quite belong
ā¢Isolation and lack of support: feeling that youāre alone in your struggle or that there is no one around you that fully understands you takes a toll on your mental health no matter how strong you are.
ā¢Traumatic experiences: whether itās violence, feeling threatened, or even simple but frequent struggles, it all builds up and leaves its mark.
Stigma and how it affects us
Social stigma doesnāt only manifest in getting hateful comments or judgemental looks, itās an ever-growing feeling that you are not accepted, not welcomed, and that you need to hide parts of who you are in order to live safely. This causes an unwavering sense of stress and anxiety, and it makes us view ourselves through the eyes of the very people responsible for that, which is quite unfair and incredibly toxic.
Types of stigmas:
ā¢Internalized: when we start believing the cultural agenda on queer people that has been pushed on us since we were born which makes us hate ourselves sometimes.
ā¢Social stigma: being rejected or excluded from society whether itās from work, education, or daily life.
ā¢Legislative stigma: the laws that makes us feel as though our very existence is a crime
So, how can we deal with the resulting mental struggle?
ā¢Know when to step away: you donāt have to be constantly fighting, being at peace is not boring and choosing your comfort is not a weakness.
ā¢Try to zoom out: when you find yourself getting into a state of self-blame or fear, try to find any sliver of joy in the tiny things that bring you pleasure
ā¢Choose your battles wisely: not every situation needs a reaction, and being at peace with yourself is often way more important than trying to convince people of anything.
ā¢Talk, even if itās to yourself: whether itās writing, having a chat with a trusted person, or even recording yourself.
ā¢Create a space for yourself: it could be a cozy place where you can unwind, people you love, or time that you spend by yourself away from anything stressful.
ā¢Your worth does not come from peopleās opinions: no one has the right to decide what you deserve; true acceptance starts with you.
ā¢Build your own community: if you canāt find support in your inner circle, try to meet new people who are understanding and supportive, even online.
ā¢Learn how to say āNoā: you donāt have to agree to things that overwhelm you, and you should establish limits with anyone that exhausts your energy.
ā¢Tune out when you feel overwhelmed: social media, news, and even some social relationships can sometimes feel like a heavy burden, know when to tune out and take a break.
ā¢Know your rights: if at any point you feel that youāre in danger, having knowledge of your rights puts you in a stronger position.
How to ask for help?
There is no shame whatsoever in needing support. On the contrary, asking for help means that youāre trying to take care of yourself. Whether itās from a friend, a therapist, or even a support group. A burden shared, is a burden halved.
Places you can go to:
ā¢Support groups: it could be virtual or in person, the point is to share your thoughts and experiences with others.
ā¢Supportive mental health specialist: there are professionals who understand the challenges faced by the queer community and who provide a safe space.
ā¢Supportive institutions: there are various institutions offering mental health support, legal support, and even just safe spaces for people that need it.
Chapter conclusion:
Most of the time, we go through life not even noticing how on edge we are. Not only from exhaustion, but from the fear that has been branded inside us.
Fear of drawing attention, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of how someone might react at any given moment. And this fear, even if it becomes familiar, Affects everything. It affects our relationships, our decisions, and how we perceive ourselves. And sometimes, it makes us go silent, or freeze, or isolate ourselves, without knowing exactly why. And amid all this, we may be living as different versions of ourselves; One at work, another one with family.
One with friends, and another one on online applications, we even change our features, mannerisms and personality depending on the situation. This takes a tremendous amount of effort, Itās not weakness, or deception, or
when we find ourselves swallowed up in this cycle, sometimes isolation seems like the answer, we drift away, go quiet, lose our spark. Not because we donāt want connection, but because weāre tired of trying, of explaining, or of being āflexibleā or āappeasingā or āniceā all the time.
Itās important to distinguish, are we truly okay with being isolated? Or are we forced to make this decision? And even though queer communities can give us hope, we still sometimes feel let down by them.
We mightāve gotten hurt from those closest to us, from those we thought were understanding, from relationships we went into looking for peace and security and came out struggling with our self-esteem. This does not negate our need for spaces, for a community, for people that support us, even if itās just one person.
Having needs is not a weakness, trying again is not naivety, and re-shaping our boundaries does not make us inconsiderate. These are all ways to help us protect a small part of ourselves. The part that is still standing and still
Relationships are an essential part of our lives whether itās friendship, falling in love, or casual relationships. But, in a society that suffers from discrimination and stigma, relationships are more complicated, and sometimes we face challenges in building and maintaining them. In this chapter, weāll talk about how we can build relationships that are a source of support and security, rather than pain and anxiety. and weāll answer several important questions such as: how can we choose friends that are supportive? How to maintain the relationships we already have? How to handle the relationship with our family? And how to build safe social circles?
What are the foundations of healthy relationships?
First and foremost, we need to know what constitutes a healthy relationship, any healthy relationship has to have some basic ground-rules to make it safe and stable, some important ones are:
ā¢Mutual respect
Romantic and social relationships
How can we build healthy and supportive relationships?
Healthy relationships depend on the respect each person has for the otherās needs and boundaries, without attempting to pressure them into anything
ā¢Clear and honest communication
There has to be a sense of comfort and safety around expressing needs and emotions without fear of judgement or rejection. Relationships where people donāt talk to each other, are afraid to express themselves, or miscommunicate are often energy-draining and harmful in the long run.
ā¢Emotional support
For me, this is manifested in our partners making us feel seen and accepted, acknowledging our emotions and respecting them, and accepting us unconditionally without demanding us to change ourselves or comparing us to other people. Healthy relationships are supposed to make you feel like you belong, and that the other person is there for you to support you, not to ignore your feelings or invalidate your experiences.
ā¢Personal boundaries
Everyone should be able to have their own space and personal boundaries. Whether these boundaries are emotional or physical, a healthy relationship respects these boundaries.
ā¢Feeling safe and secure
A relationship is supposed to make you feel comforted and safe, not constantly anxious and afraid of the other personās reaction
Be careful of red flagsā¦
These are things that happen in a relationship, or behaviours exhibited by a partner that are harmful to us and sometimes makes the whole relationship unsafe.
This doesnāt mean you have to leave instantly, It just means you need to carefully consider your situation, and ask yourself:
āDoes this relationship fulfil me? Or does it make me feel drained?ā
ā¢Possessiveness and control
Anyone trying to control your actions, how you dress, who your friends are, or what you should or shouldnāt believeā¦is not a person fit for a healthy relationship.
Examples:
āI donāt want you going out with so and so againā
ādidnāt I tell you to stop talking with this person?ā
āWhy are you dressed like that? Your body is only for my eyes to seeā
āI donāt want you going on that trip if I canāt be there with youā
ā¢Degradation and ridicule
Whether itās said directly, sarcastically, or even through looks. Anyone that makes you feel bad about yourself doesnāt deserve to be in your life
For example:
āI canāt depend on you for anything!ā
āyouāre such a dumbassā
āHow are you so stupid!ā
ā¢Gaslighting or emotional manipulation
When someone tries to make you doubt yourself, or tries to convince you that youāre making things up or dismisses and invalidates your feelings
For example, if you say something like:
āI was really upset by what you did yesterdayā
And their reply is something along the lines of: āare you out of your mind? I didnāt even do anything, it wasnāt that big of a dealā or: āyouāre so delusionalā
ā¢Emotional neglect
Obviously, relationships donāt need to dramatic or intense all the time, but if they constantly ignore your needs and feelings, itās a sign theyāre not prioritizing you.
Like if youāre feeling unwell or stressed and express that to them
And they say āyouāre always complaining and whinging, just deal with itā
ā¢Violence of any kind
ā¢Too much jealousy
Jealousy is a normal emotion and in some cases, itās acceptable. But, if theyāre constantly doubting your loyalty or they take it as an excuse to control you, itās a dangerous sign.
For example, if their reaction to you not texting them back straight away is something like:
āWho were you talking to that was more important???ā (in a suspicious tone)
Or: āshow me your phone right now, if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fearā
Whether itās physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional, there is absolutely no excuse for it in any relationship. This could be someone dragging you by force, verbally abusing you or insulting you, or pressuring you to do something youāre not comfortable with sexually. Even if they tell you afterwards that it was ājust a moment of anger, you know I love youā
How can we choose supportive friends?
Friends are the family we choose, the presence of supportive friends in our life could be the determining factor between a life of isolation and a life of feeling like you truly belong. To choose the right friends, consider these factors:
ā¢Choose those that respect you the way you are: a true friend doesnāt need to be from the same community as you, and they donāt need to be like you or have a similar personality, but they need to respect your identity and your presence without trying to change you or making you feel inferior.
ā¢Stay away from toxic relationships: if someone treats you in a superficial way, is only around for āfun timesā and ignores you when you need support through a rough patch, you wonāt get any benefit from a relationship with this kind of person
ā¢Seek out people who share your values and principles: they donāt have to be exactly like you, there only needs to be some common ground between you in the way you think and deal with people.
ā¢A true friend will support you without putting pressure on you: whether itās regarding your personal decisions or your romantic life, they shouldnāt force you to behave a certain way in any given situation , but rather offer their advice and support you in whatever decision you end up making.
ā¢Try building new relationships: if you feel that you are not getting enough support from your current social circle, donāt hesitate to reach out to and get to know new people through safe communities, online or otherwise.
We can also try to work on the friendships we already have. We donāt need to start from scratch. We already have people in our lives, friends, colleagues, people we occasionally interact with, the relationship we have with them has the potential to be deeper and more personal. but only if we give it enough time, If we put in a bit more effort to talk to them more often, If we check up on them with the genuine desire to know how theyāre doing, or open up and share something real, even if itās something seemingly simple
Sometimes the bond between us and the people around us is already there, itās just neglected.
A phone call, meeting up, or even saying āhey, you up for a chat?ā or āIād like to see youā can make that bond stronger.
But, itās also important to keep in mind that we are constantly changing, so is our life and our circumstances, and every new version of us needs to feel the understanding, reassurance and support from the people in our lives.
we can be friends with anyone. Old, young, even if weāre not alike, as long as there is a sense of comfort. A friendship is not a one-size fits all. Itās less about age and more about the spaces we create for each other. You can meet someone unexpectedly and find yourself getting along. And from that moment forward, your friendship develops and evolves naturally without either of you feeling pressured or rushed
Quality over quantity
What if Iām currently in a romantic relationshipā¦how can I maintain it?
In this chapter weāve talked about friendships, about how to choose friends we feel comfortable with and invest in our relationship with them, but itās also important to consider romantic relationships, especially if weāre already in one, a relationship with love, closeness, and an attempt for us to get to know ourselves and each other. A relationship that has ups and downs, and that has the potential to keep growing if we give it enough care and attention. A romantic relationship is not something we start then adandon, itās something that becomes a part of our lives, something we invest our lives in. Itās affected by everything we do, by our mental state and our everyday lives, and it needs constant care from us, even if itās already lasted a long time.
This care doesnāt need to be draining, we donāt have to be āromantic all the timeā, we only have to be there, to be fully present. To check in, give emotional support, apologize when needed, be able to find joy together, remind each other why we fell in love in the first place, express to our partner what they mean to us and how we feel about them. If there is mutual respect in a relationship, and both people are putting in effort to have a stronger connection The little things they do for each other have a huge impact
-We can ask each other about our day and how it made us feel -Try to express what we need from the other person even if we donāt necessarily know exactly what it is -Give each other space to talk and be fully attentive without interrupting. -discuss our fears and what upsets us as soon as it comes up and not only when there is a fight or a conflict so that weāre more able to discuss it rationally and gently
-Appreciate and celebrate the little gestures that make us feel reassured
Relationships arenāt always linear. Sometimes it may seem like weāve drifted away, and that the relationship is a bit stagnant, but this doesnāt mean that it has to end, It might just need something to spark up the communication again, uncover anything thatās been buried, and try to work through it.
If youāre currently in a relationship,
Try sending a simple message to your partner such as:
āIād like to talk about how things are between usā
Or ābeing around you makes me feel a lot better, and youāre always on my mind even when youāre not hereā
Or āI really miss you and wish we were closer but I donāt know how to express that sometimesā
Simple and honest statements like these are one of the building blocks of a relationship. You can adapt this to fit your style of communication and how fast or slow you want to progress.
And if at any point you feel like youād benefit from speaking to someone professional, definitely give it a go.
āSometimes I feel like if I express my emotions or try to set boundaries, Iāll make people upset, and then I might lose themā
How can we communicate with our partners or friends without making them feel like weāre rejecting or criticising them?
Communication doesnāt mean having an outburst or expressing our feelings in an impulsive way.
It means finding a method of comfortable discussion without bottling things up or hurting the other personās feelings
This makes a huge difference and so itās vital that we learn an effective way to communicate.
These are a few things to keep in mind when trying to communicate clearly and honestly:
ā¢Focus on your perspective
Instead of saying āyou did something that hurt meā
Try phrasing it in a way that gets your feelings across without accusing them:
āI felt hurt byā¦ā or āIām more comfortable whenā¦ā
ā¢Give them and yourself a chance to talk
Share your feelings and listen to what they have to say
ā¢Donāt judge someoneās feelings or how they behave
A lot of the time we may try to point out stuff we donāt like about our friends or partners because we care about them and want the best for them, but the way that comes across may be hurtful and overly judgemental. Try to let them know that youāre there for them and eager to support them in a way that suits their needs.
ā¢Donāt tell someone how theyāre supposed to feel and donāt assume you know what theyāre going to say, give them space to express how theyāre feeling and to say what they want to say.
ā¢Take your time to figure out how you feel
You donāt need to be %100 certain about your feelings, sometimes it takes some time and thatās okay.
You can say: āI still need some time to think things throughā or āIām not sure how to articulate my feelings right nowā
Honesty isnāt about always being prepared to talk
Itās about being genuine when you do talk
ā¢Set your boundaries clearly but not aggressively
āI need some time to myself for a few daysā
āIāll feel better ifā¦ā
āI need us to go a little slowerā
ā¢Ask them
āHow do you feel about this?ā āWhat do you think?ā
āIs this making you upset?ā
āTalk me through what youāre thinkingā
This can open up new spaces for people to share comfortably
ā¢Make it clear that your boundaries do not mean rejection.
It doesnāt mean you donāt care just because you said ānoā
And it doesn't mean you donāt love them just because you need some space
Your emotions should still be communicated even while youāre setting boundaries
ā¢Pay attention to your tone
Most of the time the problem isnāt in what we say, but in how we say it the right tone and good timing make more of a difference than you can imagine
āIām sorry if Iāve said something that hurt you, I didnāt mean toā
Apologising is not a sign of weakness
It creates a space that says āI see you, hear you, and care about youā
ā¢Realize that it doesnāt have to be someoneās fault, relationships are not a competition
And you donāt get a prize for āwinning an argumentā
The goal is not to prove anything
The goal is to resolve whatever it is we need to so that we can be together comfortably and figure out whether weāre willing to work it out or not.
But what if Iām the one who has hurt someone?
When we talk about how to protect ourselves from harm, sometimes we can forget to ask ourselves:
āBut what if Iām the one who did something wrong? What if they felt rushed or pressured because of me? Or if Iāve hurt someone unintentionally?ā
Sometimes when dealing with people, especially with the complicated context of the fear, discrimination, and traumas we all face as a community, we can unintentionally mess up.
we might say hurtful things, directly or indirectly, or do something that causes pain to someone else it doesnāt make us bad people
but it means we need to re-evaluate what we did and ask ourselves:
-Did I truly listen to the other person?
-Did I give them a safe space?
-Did I say the right thing? Did I really mean what I said?
-If someone did to me what I did to this person, would I be upset?
We donāt need to beat ourselves up over every mistake
But we need to clearly acknowledge our own actions and patterns of behaviour and recognize the effect they have on the people around us, which opens up the door to something essential, the door to change, making amends, and to an apology, even if itās over-due. We donāt always do the right thing, but as long as we have awareness, we have a chance to set things right, and as long as we have the desire to sustain our relationships with others without hurting them, we can make space for kindness, with others and with ourselves.
And if someone decides to not be in our lives anymore? Or we decided to walk away?
I always encourage people to ask themselves: what is the best thing for me? Does this relationship add anything to my life? Is it something I care enough about? Does this personās presence bring negativity into my life? This way, we can separate the relationships we need from the ones we should limit or sometimes end
Loss is hard, and it hurts, but life goes on, and it doesnāt determine anything about the outcome of any future relationship. There might be people that have been by our side for years and are not anymore. Or people we thought would be with us forever, and chose to leave, or we chose to leave them. But itās a natural part of relationships, theyāre constantly fluctuating, and so are we. We just have to remember:
We can still love and build new relationships
We still deserve to be loved
We can still create new connections
Slowly, genuinely, and with the boundaries we choose to set
kay, so, how do we deal with family?
The million-dollar question, how can we deal with our family especially if they donāt accept us or canāt understand the nature of your identity which is mostly the case, these are some things you should do:
ā¢Protect your peace of mind and wellbeing above all else: thereās no rule that says you have to tell your family everything if you feel like they wonāt be supportive. If being honest about the truth of our identity will put us in danger or damage our mental state, we have the right to protect ourselves and put-off any confrontations
ā¢Set clear boundaries in your interactions: if there are certain comments or actions that upset you, try to clarify that youāre not comfortable with them.
Even if they donāt really understand, at least you can start creating a line that shouldnāt be crossed.
ā¢Focus on people that seem accepting: if you have members of your family that are more understanding, try to get closer to them and find comfort in your relationship with them instead of worrying about those that donāt accept you.
ā¢Ask for support from those closest to you: in case your family isnāt supportive, having supportive friends or communities can compensate the feeling of isolation and rejection you have.
How to build safe and supportive social circles?
ā¢Search for safe communities: either online or in person, support groups and safe spaces can be a source of strength for anyone looking to be accepted and supported
ā¢Be the support youāre looking for: when you build new relationships, be the person who supports, listens, and helps, because mutual support creates a healthier environment for everyone
ā¢Respect peopleās differences: in any given group of people, no two are the same, and being different doesnāt make anyone worse or better than others. Respect every person as they are, just like you want them to respect you.
ā¢Donāt let anyone exploit you in the name of āsupportā: sometimes within communities, there might be people trying to exploit your need for a safe space. Take your time in choosing who can be a part of your inner circle.
ā¢Learn to say ānoā: not everyone that needs support deserves to be a part of your life. Maintain your limits and donāt allow anyone to drain your energy.
Interacting with colleagues in work and education safely
ā¢During your studies
ā¢Consider who you can trust: not all your classmates will be supportive, so carefully choose who to share personal details with.
ā¢Protect your personal space: you donāt have to answer personal questions, and you always have the right to say āIād rather not talk about something so personalā or āIām not sure why you need to know thatā
ā¢Try to find support groups: some universities and educational institutions have support groups or societies that are safe, if there is one, make use of it.
ā¢In the workplace
ā¢Take your time and asses the environment at work: before expressing the truth about your identity, try to gauge the nature of the people working there and the policies of the institution
ā¢Hold on to your supportive colleagues: if you have accepting colleagues, you can try making your relationship stronger and eventually create a safe bubble in your workplace.
ā¢protect yourself legally: in some places, there might be policies against discrimination, if you feel that youāre being discriminated against based on your identity, know your rights and use them.
ā¢Donāt sacrifice your mental wellbeing: if your workplace is toxic, donāt
Chapter conclusion:
Healthy relationships are what give you a sense of security and comfort, not the other way around.
Itās important to know our rights and what we deserve And be able to say ānoā to things that harm us. At the end of the day, we deserve relationships built on respect, real affection, and mutual support.
Romance and friendship should never be a source of pain and fear, And if a relationship is making us suffer in any way, then we need to rethink it.
Relationships are not only an experience we go through, but they are also a learned set of skills.
We learn to get closer to each other, And how to have space when we feel the need to check in with ourselves. We learn to listen,
To ask for what we need,
To make mistakes And to make amends
Without judging ourselves Or others
And without putting people in the āgood or badā category Weāre human beings, weāre not angels nor are we devils.
Not every relationship needs to succeed
But every relationship teaches us something we can use to grow.
The more we can clearly see ourselves in a relationship, without being lost in it, The more we can be closer to ourselves, And to the people that deserve to be close to us.
Dating apps
How can we use them safely and more effectively
Dating apps
The space where we find human connection and selfdiscovery.
Dating apps are now a part of a lot of people's lives, especially for us as members of the queer community. Whether we use them to seek a romantic relationship, a fleeting sexual experience, friendship, curiosity, exploration, or even just to feel seen and heard.
We might open the dating app thoughtlessly
Sometimes out of boredom, sometimes out of desire, sometimes because we miss hearing things that make us feel good about ourselves, and a lot of times not knowing what we're looking for exactly. But using these apps, especially in dangerous and stigmatized societies, requires awareness, caution and an inner point of reference that we can turn to for protection. This chapter is for us to share our thoughts.
ā¢Why do we use dating apps?
ā¢How can we use them safely?
ā¢What to share and what not to share?
ā¢How do we meet someone in person without risk?
ā¢How to make safe spaces?
Why do we use dating apps?
It might be that weāre looking for a long-term relationship. or seeking acceptance and connection with others like us. or looking for a no-strings-attached sexual experience. Or we might feel bored and lonely.
Or we donāt know exactly what we want but feel like something is missing. There is no right or wrong answer. But it's important to listen to ourselves, even if we can't find an answer.
Before opening a dating app, try to pose a question to yourself "What am I looking for today?ā.
The answer doesn't have to be clear or perfect, but an honest answer will make a big difference in your experience.
Honesty doesn't mean you have to explain yourself to anyone or over-share too much in your bio. It allows you to act without feeling confused and lost, seeking something while not knowing what it is.
And this moment, as simple as it is, can help us with two important things: our mental health (by understanding yourself more clearly). our social health (by finding people who are more suitable for you).
The Profile: how can I describe myself in just a few sentences?
The first thing that catches attention is the image, name, and bio. Simple things that say a lot about how you see yourself and the treatment you expect from others.
Sometimes we post our real picture, but sometimes we choose to not show ourselves, not to deceive, but to protect ourselves. Itās a need to control how seen we want to be, and does not mean shyness or fear.
It's okay if you don't feel comfortable posting a profile picture,
but if you do, you should think about:
ā¢Can I be recognized by someone who can hurt me?
ā¢Am I comfortable being seen here?
ā¢ Did I post this out of fear that people may not chat to me otherwise? Or do I feel that this picture truly reflects me and is expressive of my identity? There is no prescribed way.
The most important thing is to make our own decision, not to get a ābetter outcomeā, but to find what weāre looking for while ensuring we stay protected.
The name you choose doesnāt have to be real, it's enough for it to give you a sense of space. Any nickname would work, even if it's a dot or a symbol, it's your choice. It doesn't have to be real or tell things about you that you don't want to share. Choose a name that relates to you, while feeling safe enough.
Bio?
We should write something that reflects who we are and what we are looking for in this space, and itās better not to be too specific with personal details.
How can I know if the person Iām chatting with is safe enough?
Some people can appear nice at first
But after chatting with them for a while you start feeling like thereās something not quite right
And some people talk about a lot of different things too quickly
And get too close too fast to the point you feel yourself tensing up
Safety doesnāt just mean that the person isnāt dangerous
Safety means you feel like you have the space to be in control a space to say no, to think, to step away if you feel uncomfortable
there are a few simple things you can look out for:
-Do they seem genuinely interested in what you have to say? Or do they start with a āheyā and then try to steer the conversation into something sexual?
-Do they respect your boundaries? Do they pressure you for example to send pictures? Or ask to meet too quickly?
-When they ask you personal questions, do they do it out of genuine curiosity or with the intention of figuring out your location or other things you may not want to share?
-If you tell them āIām not ready for thisā or āIām not really comfortable with this questionā what is their reaction?
ā¢Do they respect your wishes?
ā¢Or do they not take it seriously and trivialize your worries?
ā¢Or try and change the subject?
Some things to note:
ā¢How quickly they ask to meet
If within the span of 3 messages they start asking to meet up or āwhere are you atā Without you really getting to know each other at allā¦ be careful
Not because meeting up is a bad idea
But because itās natural to take some time to let the relationship progress before becoming too close, even if itās a casual relationship.
ā¢The way in which they ask
-Do they make a suggestion? Leaving you space? Like āwould you like for us to meet up?ā
-Or phrase it as an order? āIām coming to see you today?ā
-Do they say āif youāre comfortable enough, Iād like to see a picture of youā?
-Or ācome one then letās see your face nowā as though they have a right to see your picture?
A personās tone says a lot
About how they communicate
And how much they respect you as someone with boundaries
ā¢Their reaction to you expressing youāre not ready for something: if they respect you, they wonāt pressure you, and they wonāt be sarcastic about it If this happens, you should know the difference between someone who actually wants connection and someone who wants to force themselves regardless of what the other person is comfortable with.
ā¢Safe people are not perfect, but they are comfortable to be around There are people who seem to have a genuine vibe, you donāt feel stressed out in their presence, or that youāre waiting for the chance to escape the situation. And you donāt feel like you need to impress them all the time. They create a space for you to share what youād like to, and to not share what youāre not ready for, and a space to ask questions without your intentions being doubted
But what if I was the one who pressured someone?
Sometimes when we talk about safety and social health, we remember situations where we were the ones who were pushy.
It might be that we asked someone for something without checking if they were comfortable with it or not
And we might tell ourselves:
āwell I didnāt mean toā or āeveryone does that anywaysā or āthis is how people deal with each other on these applicationsā
But the truth is, what we ālearnedā isnāt always whatās right
And the effect of the culture surrounding us - a culture of hastiness, aggressiveness, and demanding without consideration ā can make us do things that we wouldnāt want being done to us
Like weāve discussed before, this is not a reason to beat yourself up
Itās an invitation to take stock and think:
-Do I give enough space for people to say no?
-Do I ask permission before demanding to know something personal?
-Do I treat people with dignity and humanity? Or do I treat them as a means to an end?
Sometimes we mistake honesty for bluntness, Or think that in order for us to be straightforward and direct we should just demand what we want
But real communication isnāt only about what we want Itās also about: āhow do I make this person feel?ā āAre they comfortable with me?ā
And if you think that youāve wronged someone, or been too pushy
Allow yourself to change
Realizing our faults doesnāt mean weāre bad
It means we strive to be clearer, calmer, and gentler with ourselves and with the people we talk to or meet in dating apps or otherwise.
These are some signs to help you realize if youāre comfortable or not:
-Do you feel like you can safely say no?
-Do you feel like youāre not pressured to reply quickly or show something youād rather not?
-Does the person give you space to think, pressure-free?
-Are you able to ask questions without them deflecting or going on the attack?
-If you disagree, are they civil about it? Or does it turn into a heated argument or them making fun of you?
-Is there a balance in effort? Or are you the one always trying to find things to talk about?
-Does your body feel at ease? Or do you feel tense and on edge?
If you decide to meet up with someone, what can you do to stay safe?
At a certain point you may feel like:
āIām ready to meet this personā
Maybe itās because youāve talking for a while and feel comfortable enough with them
And maybe youāre just curious
Whatever it is, wanting to meet up is okay
But we need to take some simple yet important precautions to make the experience as safe as possible.
ā¢Choose a public place you find comfortable
It doesnāt have to be crowded, but itās better if it has some people, and that youāre able to walk around freely, somewhere that doesnāt make you feel like youāre trapped. Itās better if itās not a flat or somewhere too secluded if itās the first time
ā¢If you have a friend you trust, let them know when and where youāre going out, and who with, maybe send them their profile picture, and ask them to check in on you every now and then with messages like āhave you arrived?ā āyou doing okay?ā
ā¢Donāt depend on your date for a ride home or anywhere else
Make sure you know how youāre getting back yourself. Taxi, public transport, or having a friend pick you up afterwards
ā¢If you decide to leave, leave!
You donāt need to explain or offer excuses. If you donāt feel comfortable, simply leave, you have the right to leave at any point even if youāve only been there for 5 minutes
ā¢There is no such thing as ābut weāve already discussed it and agreedā as a verbal contract
If youāve previously said āyesā to something, or were planning on doing something, and now youāre not comfortable with it, you can still say no. Trust your gut. Just because you agreed at the time, it doesnāt mean you have to follow through with it
Consent is only valid for the very moment you give it in, itās not valid for what you said yesterday or even a few minutes ago
ā¢Your body knows if something is wrong even before you do
If something doesnāt add up, even if you canāt explain it, if you feel your heart beating or feel panicky because of anything they did: their tone, the way they touched you, the way they look at you
Listen to that feeling and donāt ignore it. You deserve to feel safe at any given moment.
Digital security and its importance for using dating apps
Digital security is simply protecting your privacy while youāre communicating through your phone through any application. Itās about being sure of what you share and who you share it with and ensure that youāre communicating in a way that is comfortable, safe, and secure enough for you
Although, it doesnāt mean you should live in constant fear or be anxious every time you have a conversation.
It just means you should put a few rules for yourself that can make you feel more at ease:
-If the application asks for your location or displays the distance between you people, check its settings and see if you can disable this or make the approximation less accurate. You can also use a VPN if you feel like itās still not safe enough
-Sending pictures? Choose what youāre comfortable in showing and pay attention to the background, if it has any known signs or hints that can make people know where you are. And, if you donāt feel like sending pictures at all until youāre ready to do so thatās completely normal, and you donāt need to explain yourself
-Try to hide conversations that have sensitive texts and pictures. If you donāt want it on your phone at all, delete them. Not because thereās anything wrong or shameful about it, but because sometimes being safe saves us a lot of unnecessary worry.
-If someone is pressuring you to show them something or to answer a question youāre not ready for: take a step back. You donāt need to reply to every text or demand
-Keep your phone protected with a password or Fingerprint ID. Even if you donāt expect anyone to open it, again not because youāre doing anything wrong, but because you have a right to privacy
Digital
On the contrary, it helps us communicate more comfortably and stressfree whether itās for us or for the people we choose to share personal and sensitive things with Every step you take in protecting yourself is a step closer to having a better relationship with yourself and having a sense of control and freedom, which you deserve
You deserve to talk freely, to share, and to meet people, without feeling threatened or worried for your safety.
How do we check back with ourselves after experiencing something?
Sometimes after talking with someone Or meeting them
Or even sharing a picture or a piece of information about ourselves
We feel something we canāt explainā¦ a heaviness, an anxiety, regret, or doubt
Not necessarily because it was a bad experience
Or because the other person is harmful
It might simply be that we crossed a boundary we didnāt know we had and werenāt ready to cross
Or we acted under pressure
Or let things slide so that we can just āget it over withā
And afterwards we donāt feel quite right
In these moments, itās important to check in with ourselves
Not to blame
But to listen, and reassure
Ask yourself calmly: how do I feel right now?
-At what point did I start feeling uncomfortable?
-What did I need to feel better?
-If my friend told this happened to them, what would I say to them?
Be gentle with yourself
Just because you did something you later regretted, something you may have done out of pressure, it doesnāt mean youāve failed at interacting with people.
And not every unpleasant experience means youāre āincapable of dealing with peopleā Sometimes we just need to move past it, share our thoughts, and continue forward
And every time we evaluate what happens without holding ourselves accountable to other people making us feel uncomfortable, we strengthen the space inside us that protects and reminds us that weāre still learning, and that we still deserve to feel at ease, even if we got mixed up on our own boundaries.
Chapter conclusion
Dating apps arenāt only a place to meet people
Itās also a chance to see ourselves from different angles
To discover what it is weāre looking for
And how we deal with closeness, desire, and boundaries
Sometimes we get excited, and sometimes we feel worried
And sometimes we go through experiences that leave an unpleasant mark inside us
But the more we evaluate our feelings
And listen to what our bodies are telling us
And choose to protect our privacy and the privacy of those we interact with,
The more we strengthen our ability to build healthy relationships, to create a respectful, safe channel of communication
Without having to lose ourselves or fear for our safety in order to find acceptance
Every step towards mindful connection
Is a step towards a healthier and more comfortable relationship
And a more peaceful existence
You deserve all of this
You deserve to find a relationship that makes you happy, not drain you out
You deserve to feel seen, and feel safe in being seen
Last but not leastā¦.
This handbook isnāt here to tell you how to live your life,
Nor is it here to tell you that there is one way to live, or to love, or to maintain your relationships
Itās made for one simple goal
For you to take care of yourself
To notice when you feel lost
Or when you feel conflicted in your emotions
When youāre going through a rough patch in your relationship
Or when you want to start something with someone, but donāt know where to begin
The handbook was written with the intention of providing a space for you to think
āWhat do I needā
āWhere do I feel most comfortableā
āWhy do I always feel like Iām carrying more than I can handleā
Every chapter was an attempt to bring you closer to yourself
To talk about your relationships, your choices, the people you surround yourself with
But also, about your boundaries, your needs, and the care you deserve
There isnāt a ācorrectā way to know yourself
But thereās always a chance to learn how to listen to it
And give it space
And protect it without isolating it
Weāve written this for you to use as a point of reference
When you need advice, when you have a question
And when you need to remind yourself that youāre not alone
And that you deserve to be happy, just as you are
That you deserve to live, and love, and care, peacefully.
Sources for mental health and psychosocial support in English
ā¢ Therapistaid.com
Hundreds of worksheets for anxiety, relationships, identity, and self-care, etc..
National Institute of Mental Health )NIMH( ā¢
ļ·a US government website offering reliable information about mental disorders, treatment options, and helpful resources
Mental Health America )MHA( ā¢
A non-profit organization offering resources for understanding mental health, self-assessment tools, and information on treatment
National Alliance on Mental Illness )NAMI( ā¢
They offer a helpline and support groups as well as information about different mental conditions
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration )SAMHSA(
Offers a national, free, and confidential helpline, in addition to resources for addiction and mental health
Mental Health First Aid ā¢
A programme teaching us how we can recognize signs and symptoms of mental health conditions and provide first aid
The Mental Health & Psychosocial Support Network )MHPSS( ā¢ International network offering resources and tools for psychosocial support in humanitarian contexts
International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies ā¢ )IFRC(
Provides resources and evidence for psychosocial support in struggling societies
Project YES )Youth Empowerment and Support( ā¢
A platform that presents short-term interventions to help mental health amongst young people
To Write Love on Her Arms )TWLOHA( ā¢
A nonprofit organisation with the goal to provide hope and help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-harm, or suicidal tendencies
