Contents
Introduction
Everyday is a struggle
Little dashes of support
My life on thin ice
Forced to act
My bed is a personal matter
First whole sensation
More than a phase
Family gatherings Tran
Introduction
Meemoirs is a result of documentation of oral history and narratives
by Mesahat Foundation for Sexual and Gender Diversity in the Nile
Valley Area (Egypt and Sudan). The project aims to document stories
that include various life and human experiences of the LGBTQ+
community in many governorates in Egypt. In its series of upcoming
releases, this content sheds light on marginalized groups within the
LGBTQ+ community; Queer women – Trans Women – Bi & Pansexuals –
Non-binary and Intersex individuals, in hopes of being a platform for
their voices to be heard.
The lives of LGBTQ+ individuals in Egypt can be likened to a journey in a deep dark ocean; an ocean filled with fear of thoughts or
expressions that defy gender and sexual stereotypes, strengthened
by all sorts of societal phobias against difference . Yet despite the
disarray in which the Egyptian LGBTQ+ individuals live as a result of
that fear and phobia, each of them attempts on their own to
understand and accept themselves as the first step in their journey as
Egyptian LGBTQ+ people.
The first issue of Meemoirs tackles that very first step; The chapter of
“Self Discovery” . By recounting stories of Queer and Trans women
which carry in their essence the different routes these women have
taken to find an answer to their burning questions regarding their
identities. It attempts to make sense of the concept of “Self
Discovery” from their collective experiences.
E
The first time I felt different than most was when I started having feelings for women; feelings that were more than just friendship, yet not solely sexual. I spent long years wondering if who I am is normal. Oscillating between “No, I am fine, this is who I am” at times, and other times feeling guilty; that what I am experiencing is not ok and that I’m a bad person.
At that time I was trying to find people like me, or people who have passed through the same experience at least. Of course, the first thing I encountered was pornography. This was how I knew the term [Lesbian]; then I started doing more research using that term, but I couldn’t find anything in Arabic except for chat rooms. Through which I actually met someone from the community who told me that there are many others like us. This is how it all started.
Later on, I started reading articles in English, and so I understood a few things a bit. The hardest thing I found was that there was no one to talk to. There was no Facebook or anything of that sort. All my sources of information were in English. There were several suicide attempts at the time, so it wasn’t the best period of my life, but it was only for a while, till I decided to accept myself.
During that period, I saw several psychiatrists; for depression not for my orientation. The first doctor I went to did nothing but give me antidepress ants that had horrible side effects.
Later on, he learned about my
sexual orientation through questions like:
“Are you in a relationship? Aren’t there any boys in your life? Are you in love with someone?”
So I just went ahead and told him. He then started saying things like:
“Have you tried being with men?” "No, and I never did and I don’t want to try”
"But, I know some cases like you and they were cured” "How?” I inquired
He told me there was group therapy where people meet and talk about their experience.
I couldn’t figure out exactly what this had to do with anything, but it didn’t matter. He said; “I don’t mind if you would like to attend group therapy with other girls”
"No, I don’t want to attend”
I found out afterwards that he prescribed me medications that reduce sexual libido through neurological inhibition. When I found out it was already too late; they’re still affecting me till now, and I can’t get rid of the damage that happened. I immediately stopped seeing him, and decided to see another psychiatrist. I was afraid of telling him about my sexuality; of course he will tell me the same things! So, at first, I was on medications, following up with him fine, but he eventually found out. He was not convinced that it’s no longer considered a disease; he believed that it was removed from the list of mental illnesses for political reasons. Once I heard that, I stopped taking the medications and stopped seeing him. I switched to the final psychiatrist. She was the one I slightly started improving with. I still relapse from time to time, but I started understanding a bit how to manage.
Currently, my problem is the society’s intrusion in every aspect of my life.
“How come you’re not in a relationship?”
“Why is there no guys in your life?”
“How do you only know girls?!”
“Why aren’t you behaving like a sweet feminine girl?”
Of course my parents think it’s strange I don’t have a guy in my life. As for the LGBTQI community they always ask me
“How is it that you don’t look like neither a femme nor a butch?”
“What are you exactly?”
The pressure is everywhere. When I am at work I hide my identity; I act straight. Same with my family and friends who don’t know. Of course, when I go out or party; I try my best not to draw attention so I wouldn’t encounter unpleasant accidents. But outside of these circles, I am myself when I am with those few who know who I am.
When I apply for a job, rejections are never direct. Is it really a matter of qualifications or that I am not that feminine? Once, an interviewer asked “Why aren’t you dressed like the rest of the girls?” and I answered “I think it’s ok for me to dress like that” and of course I wasn’t accepted for the job.
Currently, my biggest fear is that my life would continue being unstable; financially and emotionally. That I’d keep on leading a double life for the rest of my life. All of it is just added pressure. I wish that I can live somewhere in the future where I don’t have to hide my true self, where I am not constantly afraid that I’d be outed, and my whole life would fall apart. Unfortunately, I feel stronger when I am outside Egypt. It’s the only time I feel free to talk, and confident that nothing will happen. The situation in Egypt scares me, because what if I find someone? And I move in with her? What are people going to say? What about society’s intrusion in my life. And of course my biggest fear is that my family would know that I am a lesbian.
Honestly? I am proud of the fact that every day I keep on fighting to wake up and stay in good health or at least I try. The only thing that keeps me carrying on is being from the LGBTQ+ community; which gives me hope to eventually find financial stability that allows me to live more freely. My dream is that no one would get harmed because of their differences, no matter what their differences are. That no one would get harmed, not only from people, but from laws and the state as well.
As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through in the beginning; the confusion, the shame and that depression that tags along. So that we all know that we are not less human, we are not less than others; that we are allowed to live.
I am not even asking for the debauchery law to be abolished, that’s not realistic. I am only asking to not implement them.
As a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I wish I can make things easier for others who are still coming out to themselves; so they
wouldn’t have to go through all of these feelings. They will have to go through some of them of course, but maybe if there’s someone there with information, it will make things easier. And I wish that in the future there’d be more resources and that they’d be more widely available in the hopes to make people more accepting.
- Laila
Little dashes of support
Trigger Warning: The story contains painful and violent details; others may have encountered similar experiences before
What got me through everything that I have been through, was the little dashes of support I got from each person I knew along the way. This was what made me better; what made me go through this phase in my life. These little dashes of support I got everywhere I’d been; there were always people supporting me.
I suspected that I was Trans since I was 11 when I first learned about LGBTQ+ people in general. At that time I was very unstable, puberty had just hit. I’d gaze at teenage boys, and see how they look; the hair, the Adam’s apple. I asked myself in fear
“Is that going to be me?!” When I pictured these changes happening to me I got terrified, but I didn’t know why. Until there was this one time when I was surfing the internet, I Googled “Can a boy be a girl?” I found a lot of results. I started to discover my identity over time, but when I first learned that there’s something called “Transgender” I was like “Fuck! That’s me!” Puberty came and brought with it “Bipolar disorder”, it appeared around that time.
Just when I was suspecting that I am Trans, and I think puberty made my bipolar a lot worse; I was always angry, always suicidal, and depressed… It was a mess. I didn’t have friends at all; I was completely alone. I was then admitted to a hospital to be treated and I started taking medications. Seriously, this disorder is really shitty.
After that I started looking for support. I used to play video games, so I made friends from different countries through them.
Sometimes I vented out to them. Despite of how I was
emotionally unstable, they were very understanding and supportive. I also made very close friends in the foreign Trans community, who had an even greater role in supporting me; I had people and friends who were there for me. I only started to become stable when I was 19 years old. And I think that transitioning and reaching this stage, how I always wished, is what lead to that.
Discovering my identity wasn’t that complicated, I in fact accepted myself easily. What made things bad at that time though, was the way my family handled the situation. When I told my mom, everything went south so fast. She told my aunt and the whole family. Recently, for example, my mom got all the men in the family to tie me up, carry me into the car, drive me and admit me to a psychiatric hospital in an attempt to change me. Needless to say, the doctors over there were entirely unethical; they accepted to admit me. They used an unethical treatment against me. I was given Electroshock Therapy, on the presumption that I had manic symptoms which was not true.
At the hospital my mom was able to convince them that I was insane. I tried to explain to the doctors that I am
Trans and explained everything clearly, but they weren’t convinced. They thought I was delusional and some of them were Transphobic. Simply, all psychiatrists are horrible; they don’t seem to care about the wellbeing of their patients as it is made out to be.
Till this day, I still have continuing symptoms that resulted from the electroshock therapy. My memory became very weak, I’m still unable to remember things as good as I used to. But I got through that stage by staying proud of myself. This is what gave me patience. I told myself over and over again “I am not wrong. I know I am not wrong. They are the ones who are wrong. They are the crazy. They don’t get it…” They are in fact ignorant. They are Transphobic and they are problematic because with all what they were brought up to believe… I am right, and they are wrong.
And when it comes to the intersectionality of being Trans and being Queer, my mum, for example, said she may accept me as a Trans person, but on the condition of being straight. She sees homosexuality as a sin. As if she needed conditions to accept
me. While also in the gay community, I get the feeling that Queer Trans people are seen as weirdos. Psychiatrists who treat Trans people refuse to treat Queer Trans people. They refuse to treat Trans people who reject patriarchy and refuse to conform to the gender normativity. One time I went to a doctor who was the one to facilitate the reports that lead to surgeries and name changes and things like that. When I first talked with my case worker, I told her “I am not straight I’m bisexual”, she was shocked and then proceeded to say “Okay, Okay, Okay…” at that time I realized that they were never going to give me that report, because I don’t qualify enough to be trans. I don’t qualify enough for the report, not qualified enough to be allowed to get through the process of legal transition. Because I am not what’s normal for a trans person to be.
What’s strange is that my experience with medical doctors was completely different. It was surprisingly good. Once I was doing my medical checkup for university, and the doctors there were very understanding and they treated me well. They didn’t say anything insulting at all, and the situation ended on a good note. It was strange that medical doctors would be more understanding than psychiatrists.
At this moment, I am very proud of myself and I see how strong I am. Whenever someone would try to knock me down, I’d always get back up. That someone was always my mom. Till this day I still challenge her. Till this day I am still strong and I keep holding my position; refusing to give up. My only option is to fight for my life.
I am very grateful for myself because I’ve kept going, I have a mental illness, I am Trans, and at the same time I am Queer. All of this with a stupid family that tries to make everything difficult for me. And I am very proud of the fact that I keep going despite all of that.
The proof is how currently I work in more than one place, which takes us back to when I was still discovering my identity. I had a great interest in helping in any way possible. At the beginning, the community that welcomed me was outside of Egypt.
They helped me discover my identity and later on I volunteered for this community. Later by coincidence, I came to know a Trans girl from Egypt, who introduced me to everyone else here. I got to know someone very important to me
through her, this someone; she helped me become better at what I do. She helped me write and translate better, and helped me do better work. And I am very proud that I did get better and that I do great work right now. I work on Trans rights, and with organizations that work on LGBTQI+ rights, in addition to working as a translator and a writer.
- Mariem
My life on thin ice
Trigger Warning: The story contains painful and violent details; others may have encountered similar experiences before
One leads their life and goes through experiences differently because of this identity. Especially if you wear your identity and it’s seen with the naked eye.
Every day starting the moment you wake up and you begin walking down the street; it is a struggle. A struggle with your environment; society, work spaces, public transportation, everywhere… All the time you go through enormous amounts of pressure; to face the prejudice and unfairness in public... It affects your own selfacceptance.
At times when I worked a mainstream job, I hid my identity. I tried to fit within the social stereotypes. I spent long years wishing I’d been able to dress the way I want to; cut my hair a certain way.
Long years I spent stuck at the point of “No, I can’t do that! It will be too
obvious”. I denied who I am every time I was ever asked directly about my identity; it was unsafe. And this constant denial of identity is a burden. What makes things harder is how my activism should always remain a secret; I always have to maintain a backstory tell people. I am forced to hide many things; and my true identity is one of them.
I remember the first time it dawned on me how I have an unconventional sexual orientation; it was extremely hard for me to accept. There weren’t – as they say - an idol to look up to; someone to see on television, or in movies, or at work, or in the streets. There was no one. No one I could relate to. It was tough and it was hard back then to just go online and be able to find something relevant in Arabic. I was lucky that I was well educated, so I was able to read English text. This was how I learned that there were
lots of people like me, that I wasn’t an anomaly. I may be different than the majority, but I definitely wasn’t the only one, and that it’s ok, and acceptable. This struggle was far from easy, It took me long years to accept myself; find other people like me; find support circles that I could trust and be comfortable with; and to be who I am around.
Before working on LGBTIQI+ Rights, my professional background was engineering. I could have continued working in this career path, but I decided to shift and become an activist. How many engineers you find compared to activists who are willing to work on LGBTIQ++ rights; it’s a simple equasion.
However, this career shift greatly affected my life, I mean, to be a person who is leading an entire life on thin ice; with too many risks... To begin with your own safety, to your financial and living stability; and you have all of these constantly trembling at the palm of your hand. So, yes being a lesbian has definitely affected my life, and my financial and psychological stability.
In 2017, the Mashrou’ Leila crackdown happened. As activists, we worked around the clock; some people needed lawyers, others needed safe housing. During this period, I was nominated for an important award. When this happened during the crackdown, it gave me hope. It was reassuring of how we are achieving something and that there are immediate results. When I traveled and received the award, the recognition of our work gave me hope that our cause is being heard.
I live in Egypt, in Cairo. It’s not easy to be Queer in a conservative country like Egypt. Even
though homosexuality is not illegal, the Egyptian society detests and greatly stereotypes homosexuality. Being a woman, this adds more discrimination because women rights are unseent in the entire region not only in Egypt.
I spent years of my life trying to look conforming like how the majority of woman are told to appear; long years trying to hide my Queerness. But this didn’t prevent me and some of my friends from facing violence in the street; and some of these violences were by people who didn’t seem to approve of the way we looked. Once, right after January 25th, 2011, we were in a café. While the military police was in charge of public space security, there were no police forces, and people called the military police on us. There was a brief clash between the Military police force that arrived and the customers in the cafe, then it developed into a physical fight between us and these customers. We were beaten up and kicked out of the cafe. When the Military police saw this, they completely retreated, and then they decided to arrest the most feminine
looking men among us. They interrogate my friends. This is why my dream is to reach a point of safety; that people would live in safety, walk the streets safely, to be able to rightfuly report abuse. I dream of a country with no discrimination; without arbitrary expulsion from work, public spaces, or schools. Simply, we demand our basic rights; nothing long-term. If we reached there, I’ll be satisfied.
I have made it through all these phases in my life, all these challenges, and I accepted myself. This is why I love myself; that I can still go on, live, interact and give back to the LGBTQI+ community here in Egypt. So I deserve this; I deserve to love and appreciate myself a little.
-Esraa
I am not a lesbian because of the bed, I am a lesbian because I am a lesbian. I have my own life; I want to live this way. I want to find the one and spend my whole life with her. I am not a lesbian so I’d sleep and mess around.
I discovered my sexuality very early; since I was 9 years old. I used to have a crush on my teacher at school, and I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t give it much thought till I grew a bit older. I knew girls had crushes on boys in high school and university, but that wasn’t the case with me. I understood what it was when I was about 16. It wasn’t until I was 24 that I started to accept myself.
I am not out. My family doesn’t know; only few closed circles do. They’re basically my best friend and the community here. The Sudanese LGBTQ+ community faces a lot of constraints and restrictions. When I first
Forced to act
discovered my sexuality, I tried to get to know more people and so I created a fake Facebook account. I discovered that a lot of police informants use Facebook, posing as community members to arrest people. So I left Facebook because it wasn’t safe.
When we want to meet in Sudan, we meet in private places so we can talk comfortably. If you meet in the street or in public places, you wouldn’t be able to talk about anything freely, even if the person you’re with was just a friend, not even your partner. It’s very difficult.
I am forced to hide my identity and my sexuality about 80% of my day; when I’m at home, at work, or in the street. The only time I am not forced to hide my identity is when I am in my safe circles, or when I’m with my partner. Sometimes even when I’m with them, I have to put on an act because
I’m in a public place or there’s someone outside of our circle with us.
I don’t feel free at all; as if I’m in a prison; in chains the whole time. I have to give it a lot of thought so I can say something; I can’t make the wrong comment or say the wrong word that might give away too much. It’s suffocating. Especially at home, even though my family are supposed to be the closest to me, and I wish I can just go and tell them “Look, I am a lesbian” But I can’t. I have to act.
Sometimes I even have to act that I am on the phone with a boy so they won’t suspect there’s something off.
I am forced to act like I’m what society wants me to be. I was once married because of my family’s pressure. They said things like “You are all grown up now”..“You have to get married”..
At that time, I was trying to get over a relationship that just ended with an ex. I rejected myself completely at that point. I felt that this can go away. That was one of the times one goes through to eventually accept themself.
And so I got married. We were together for about two months, and it was all an act; an attempt to fulfill the social image; what people wanted.
As a lesbian woman, the marriage experience forced me to act. Act as If I wanted to marry and have children.
Forced me to act that this person I married is the person I wanted. I faked orgasms while I never felt anything at all. I had a very difficult time. The biggest compromise I ever made was getting married; that I lived with someone that I didn’t want. This was supposed to be the person I wanted; that we should’ve been one. I couldn’t even hug him, I just couldn’t…
Men think that marriage is the wedding party and that’s it. So I couldn’t live like
that during these two months. I was pressured to act and please society. I was forced to do this so that I won’t attract attention to myself.
There are a lot of others like me by the way. Some of them even have had kids. I thank God I quickly took the decision to leave before I get stuck even more. I just couldn’t go on. How did I do this? I have no idea how I was able to go through that!
I gave in to someone I could never be with. The thought of being with a man.. it’s just such a silly feeling. All of this to please the people around you; so they’d be satisfied. Fuck having to live this way!
A few years after the divorce, there were a lot of pressures so I marry again. “You have to get married, you are 30 now”..
My sister is 90% sure that I am a lesbian. She even once went to my mother and told her
“I can assure you, Eman is never going to get married”
My mom too suspects it; she once asked if I’m hiding something from her. She went all religious and started telling me all about what
God’s going to do and so on.. So I’m denying everything. What are you supposed to do besides denying and acting. They want me to be what they think is ‘normal’, but no. I am normal.
My mum paid attention more into why I don’t want to marry again. “That can’t be because of one failed experience..”
And so she keeps a close eye over me; she throws in hints here and there. I don’t feel safe at home. I don’t feel comfortable anymore. And isn’t this supposed to be my safe space? And of course outside of my house is unsafe. I no longer have space. I am starting to feel that I can’t stay in Sudan. I want to leave so I can go on with my life; so I can start my real life.
-Iman
My bed is a personal matter
I am a member of the LGBTQI+ community. I am proud to have encountered and known so many community members. I am proud that I am someone everyone can rely on if they ever needed help. And at this point I specifically work on the LGBTQ+ community outside Egypt’s capital and specifically with queer women.
I first discovered my sexuality when I was around 10 years old. I was attracted to women, but I didn’t understand what it meant; whether it was normal or not. I felt alone, and without support. I believed what was thought of us; “Faggots and deviants”. Now I know it’s a very stigmatizing notion especially that it does not describe me; and I dislike it.
My first relationship was with a girl in college. I was in love with her and she loved me back. We were together for two years. She unexpectedly came to me once saying that her cousin proposed. I asked if she’d say yes, she then replied with
“Don’t you want me to marry, have kids, like all girls?” I was heartbroken, but it was her choice, and I left her despite all the pain I felt.
I recently got in a relationship with someone from another country. We got together on my birthday by mere coincidence when she visited Egypt. We had the most wonderful 5 days. It was the first time I spend the night over at someone’s house; which was a huge achievement for me. It was so exciting; that I’d safely spend time with someone behind locked doors. But there was always this
sinking feeling that someone would come knocking; we’d be found out and they’d arrest us because we’re lesbians.
As queer women, our situation in the predominant society as a whole is very difficult. We live in secrecy, we sneak moments of joy and a touch of safety. We’re surrounded by a patriarchal society, and as queer women we certainly suffer more than conforming women. For that, we are forced to paint a fake image to be able to survive.
Sadly, patriarchy is deeply rooted in our environment, and it isn’t much of a surprise that some queer people have internalized the same patriarchal outlook and thinking patterns considering how the LGBTQ+ community is still a part of that bigger collective. Because of that, I have experienced the manifestation of this patriarchy and toxic masculinity within the LGBTQ+ community. The same LGBTQ+ community that is supposed to challenge the restrictive conformity and normativity.
As I became more active in the LGBTQ+ community, I was once asked to describe the path that led me to become an activist. And so I answered that I had a friend who I’d known for 2 years. We only met twice because of we lived in different places. He was the reason why I helped so many people in our community. When he passed away, his parents refused to receive his body from the hospital. That was a turning point in my life. I felt guilt. Like if I had stayed more in touch with him, maybe things wouldn’t have gone this far, but I couldn’t travel to see him. My family would have never let me. After his death, I changed my life. I finished my studies, I worked and this is rare to happen in my family because we’re from Upper Egypt. I started owning this sense of awareness; I asserted myself at home, and confirmed the notion that as long as I am not hurting anyone, then I am free. I started defending myself and expressing my opinions; take on debates and arguments on general life matters, unlike how things were before when I used to avoid speaking up. I talked to my family about how religion isn’t the only reference, that there’s also science and medicine. However, that doesn’t deny the fact that they are suspicious. But at least for now, they’re in denial, until they find out. Then, surely I’m fucked. I think if they found out and didn’t know what to do with me, they’ll tell my uncles, and these are Sa’idi’s (from Upper Egypt) and I think that will the worst thing ever.
I faced immense pressures. I ran away from home eventually. I was forcibly engaged to a man. I told them how I don’t want to. They persuaded me to just try and see if I liked him or not. If I did, then great! And that if I didn’t then it’s okay. We remained engaged until something unexpected happened and I used it as an excuse to break up. Afterwards, two more men proposed. I ran away from the first, And when the second came, I stormed out of the house and stayed with my grandmother.
After the Mashrou’ Leila concert, many horrid things were said in-front of me; intentionally and unintentionally. I always faced them with contempt and I wasn’t afraid. One time, my sister heard me talking on the phone and told me.. “Hope this friend of yours isn’t a lesbian “Mithlyh” But she pronounced it wrong to mean “perfect” “Mithalyah” She literally said it like that. I corrected her and said “First of all, it’s called ‘lesbian’ “Mithlyh” and yes, she’s gay, and we are getting married too”
Bullying and persecution are everywhere. In the street for example, people call me out and shout “BOY OR GIRL!” [Popularized pejorative phrase referring to gender non-conforming people]. At work I always get asked why I don’t straighten my hair, or why I don’t wear makeup. And I face them; I tell my colleagues that this is my personal life and it’s no one’s business.
I’ve been rejected from so many jobs because of my looks. My looks that don’t conform to the stereotypical standards of how women should look like. I am a queer and slightly masculine woman. Despite all of this, I never compromise to have my own life and live it. On the contrary! I am persistent to do what makes me comfortable. What I do in bed is my private matter. I don’t interfere with what a man and a woman do in their bed, and so why should it be any different for me?
Every time I’m at a wedding and see married couples, I think of how happy they must be; how happy people are for them, as opposed to what people think of us as a community. I wish one day our existence would be acknowledged; that I’d be able to marry the girl I love... with my family’s acceptance.
First Whole Sensation
I live in Africa, in Sudan. Sudan is considered a poor country; ruled by a dictator, where there are laws criminalizing my existence. I face all sorts of discrimination, torture and oppression. I come from a background of a-womanbelongs-at-home. Women aren’t allowed the same chances for education because of concepts such as early marriage, female genital mutilation, and so many things that form our society; starting from ignorance, laws, to the state and the rulers.
I thought I was heterosexual till I was 15 years old, and I was in a relationship with a boy. Something always felt missing; there was no passion, and I’d never miss him when we were apart. At that time in high school, there were a few touches with a female friend, which I
thought were just the intimacy between friends. I didn’t know of such a thing as different identities and sexual orientations, which made me uninterested to search for anything untill the first year in university. I was in a lecture, and suddenly when this girl came in, I felt as if my heart skipped a beat. I don’t know whether to call it love at first sight or not.. She came in and sat at the front, and I just completely lost focus. I felt as if someone had
poured cold water on me, and we hadn’t even talked yet. After talking to her, we exchanged phone numbers, and for two months we were inseparable; not even for a moment except to sleep. The day she told “I love you”, I actually felt what that sentence meant for the first time; my whole body trembled. I was the happiest person in the world in that moment. I told her I loved her as well, from there a new chapter began in my life. We spent a beautiful year together, I tried everything for the first time.. the first kiss, first touch, first whole sensation, till things started to fall apart… One day she told me, “Sarah, I feel that we’re the only ones in the world that are like this..” ‘deviants..’ she said.
At that moment the word stuck with me. I started searching online, and at that time all the results I found tied Homosexuality to Atheism, and because at that time my relationship with God was strong, my relationship with
her deteriorated. It was the shame. Untill we stopped talking to each other all together and our relationship ended.
I came to know a girl in Egypt at the time, and I visited her as I truly wanted to stop feeling alone. I met her and we talked; she introduced me to the larger community in Egypt. That helped a lot; it filled a hole in my life. I met people and I heard stories, and it is true that we come from different backgrounds, but after all we share things in common.We share diverse identities, sexual orientations, and society’s refusal to accept us. One day I asked my friend if what we do is shameful or a sin? Are we really corrupting the Earth? Will the skies really tremble if I kissed my girlfriend? She asked What got me to think this way and so I showed her the articles that I found. She laughed and said “You only saw things from one perspective, try to search in multiple languages”
And so I did. I searched in English again and overtime things started shifting; from thinking that I am just a “deviant” to thinking that I am bisexual, and later on I learned that I am just a lesbian. I started looking at things more positively, that I am only a different person and that can be good. Yes, acceptance was challenging, but it happened on its own.
By time, I started seeing things differently; I didn’t want to be just a community member. And so I decided that I wanted to contribute to change, help others accept themselves, to realize that they aren’t alone. I started from nothing, I started to really research, and it wasn’t an easy as it is now to find resources in Arabic. There were no organizations to help. I began meeting with a few other women every once in a while till the numbers grew; untill this gathering was shaping in a more organized manner. Sadly after that, something happened, and the group fell apart. I started to feel as If I
needed somewhere to grow the ideas I have to life, I refused to stay handtied doing nothing while others need someone by their side.
In 2015 I lost all hope in becoming active, but then I joined an organization that works on supporting activists in leadership and capacity building. Day by day, I developed my personal capacity more; I told myself that I either go on to become active; learn new skills and abilities, or I will stop and quit. Luckily, I got to make use of everything I learned and was ready to work. I had the passion and I was 100% committed to this. Truthfuly, being an activist isn’t easy, it can be very costly.
In Sudan, social accountability is harsher than legal accountability; if I were arrested and sent to jail, it wouldn’t be as bad as my family and neighbors knowing I am a lesbian. If they do, I’ll face all sorts of violence, exclusion, stigma and discrimination, which may get me to taking my
own life. I can almost say with certainty that the Sudanese society rejects all differences entirely and this sort of rejection is supported by law.
I live in a society that reinforces the inferiority of women, that’s why I dream of social justice in so many different aspects. I want to lead a decent life where I can live free from anyone’s control; society or family. I don’t only want this for myself, I want this to be the case in the entire world. I want illiteracy to end, and for the world to become a healthy one that’s worth living in; a world of peace and love.
What I want for myself is to have a wife, and children that look like both of us and I am not wishing for a rich life, but I wish for a fulfilling one, so that we can enjoy what’s left of our life.
with me. I love them. On the professional level, I want to be successful in what I do, and that one day I get my PhD, to work somewhere where I can enact real change in the Sudanese society. I have a dream that one day all of this will come true. I am unsure if I am going to be there to witness this or not; the day where the law that criminalizes homosexuality is demolished.
-Sarah
Despite everything I faced from my family, from torture and brutalization, I always wish that they’d be satisfied
More than a phase
In Reality, there is a daily struggle to keep on going. Every day I have this fight with myself. Every day I try to find the things that will get me up the next day. Having faith is an example; I believe in god, that’s something that gives me some hope and strength. I write as well; I empty all the negative emotions onto paper. Sometimes it’s when I talk with someone close to me; someone I trust and I’m comfortable with. These are a few things that help, they are all different techniques that make me think I can keep on going. In addition to my studies, I also volunteer; I write and translate. Most of my writings are things like opinion articles, articles about my experiences and about the Trans* community specifically. When it came to discovering myself as a transwoman, it came in different stages. The first stage I felt feminine and that for me, femininity is more in control. I didn’t belong to the
men’s world. I never would want in my future to be like my father. While working on my first translation piece, I interpreted from the article that those feelings and thoughts meant that I am gay. That was the first thing that came to my mind. At the time, there was a girl in my university, whom when I used to talk to about my gender, she told me how I might be in quotes “Gender Queer” and that was the moment that took me out of the “cis gay man” label, I started to reflect on how there’s something non-conforming when it came to my gender and entered the Gender Queer phase. But then again, I discovered that no, when it comes to my identity, my problems are much more deeply rooted than that. It isn’t a matter of combining femininity with masculinity for me, or being non-binary. I completely see myself as a woman, so I started identifying as a transwoman a year later.
That girl, my friend, was the person who initially helped me reflect on this. I began to follow pages on social media and I began to learn more about gender identities. I came to know specifically the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity, which was very important to me to go through this. Even though the support my friend gave me doesn’t seem direct, but it was the support that helped me understand myself and reflect more.
On the other hand, the direct support came from inside the community. It started forming when I began having strong ties with certain individuals. By time, this support became stronger to the point that I consider some people as family now.
I was bullied a lot in high school, and I remember being stressed at that point. I started talking more about the psychological harm this caused me. It was like a cry for help that I didn’t really account for, and so I came out to my family. It was like an explosion.. Repression; one time after
another, the bullying, and all the pressure. They all lead to it. Of course they didn’t accept me! One of the things my dad would always say “You are like this because you hate me” He always uses the male pronoun.
Which of course I find irrelevant. Reasoning with my familyis impossible, they bury their heads in the sand; they refuse to acknowledge anything. I faced violence at home because of my identity. Once, my parents took me to a psychiatrist, and everything I’d tell her she’d pass on to my parents, there wasn’t any sort of confidentiality between us. It was to the point that it caused trouble between my family and I; she got them to pay more attention to me, be more controlling, and now I don’t have any personal space. It was all because of the things she told them, and since then we haven’t talked directly about it because I know that talking will get us nowhere. And because I am still studying, I’d rather not visit the topic again or clash with them at all. However, I am expecting that after I graduate, there will be even more clashes if I kept living
with them.
The confrontations between me and my family remained for long. The time I felt strong the most was during an argument between my mother and I. When I was talking to her, I held my position. I took a stance; I am proud of myself. I made it absolutely clear to her that I don’t have a problem with who I am; this is how I see myself, and that this how I am going to live my life. From there, she stopped burying her head in the sand and stopped refusing to acknowledge anything. She gave up trying. She, of course, wasn’t happy, but I was able to reach a better point with her; where she’d say “Go do what you want, but at least finish your degree”.
Being a transwoman has caused me a lot of problems; personal struggles, struggles with my environment because of my identity. Many times, these struggles don’t hold me back. On the contrary, they get me to prove myself more; I work harder on myself to make it; succeed, achieve things and keep going till the end. I want to prove myself and work in journalism. I’d love to write more and get published in many places; to prove myself in this field.
-Abeer
Family Gatherings
I’m a volunteer in the LGBTQ+ community and I want to start an initiative for Trans and Queer women; something that includes teaching technical knowledge, and serves to empower LBTQ women.
Transwomen in Egypt, women generally, face difficulties to work in mainstream spaces or be in workplaces. The idea is to empower women to find alternatives or to work from home. Financial stability is very difficult in Egyp.
Being a lesbian and an activist, I find myself unable to tolerate the mainstream work environments,
such as corporate for example, that are filled with misogynists and homophobes.
It’s a lot of pressure, so I resorted to freelance work, which isn’t very stable. There’s no stability in general; financial, emotional, or social, which makes things very difficult.
My family is a big example to this instability. In fact, my family just learned about me very recently. There’s a lot of pressure; they want me to confess and admit this specific piece of information. I am denying everything, and denial in of
itself feels so heavy; for any person to keep denying their true identity it just feels so heavy. That’s why my mental health is deteriorating...
When my sister first found out, it was the most difficult thing I had to face. She has known for almost 5 years now. When she first knew, she kept pressuring me; arguing on things like it’s a disease and so on. I kept trying to justify myself to her, I told her that it isn’t a disease. She insists on how this is because our father died when I was young, and there wasn’t a man in the house. Now everything escalated in a way that my whole family knows or at least they’re almost sure. They are waiting for me to confirm it. It’s so much pressure because they ask questions like who do you hang out with? And who are these people? Where are you going?
I’m considering independence, but financially I’m unstable. I have an income through freelance work, but of course it’s not stable enough for me to have a place of my own.
Even more, the idea that this is it.. I am never going to have any ties with my family, So I’ll be alone? I’ll be far from them? I can’t imagine it.
Despite all of this, I wish I wouldn’t be denied being in family gatherings. I have this dream that one day I’d have my girlfriend with me, and we’d be invited for dinner at my family’s house. She’d be with me, and it would be the same as my sisters having their husbands around the table while my family are really proud of them. I want to have the right to say this is my girlfriend and I am proud I’m with her, just like they do. I dream to be supported by my family, not just by my friends. I am denied all of this; my family will never support me. Even if one day they acted as if they accept me, they’ll never support me. On the other hand, the person who has always been supportive is my bestfriend. She is heterosexual; the most ‘square’ person I ever met; but she has always been by my side since we were 15. She used to tell me that being gay is ok; it shouldn’t make me feel ashamed and that it’s only love. That’s the most supportive thing ever. Till
this day, I come to her whenever I am burdened with problems. For example, at the time when my parents were pushing to know, they went to talk to her hoping to get more information about my sexual orientation. But of course she didn’t tell them, she avoided confronting them and was on my side.
In all honesty, I don’t call this a life because we are always forced to hide who we truly are. I have to always be flexible that way because I know I can’t be myself around others while I’m forced to interact with them. Sometimes when I hear something offensive, I stay silent because I just don’t have the energy. Other times, I speak if I think the person can be understanding, can change or anything. However, and honestly, I don’t think that this is a life. Inside the LGBTQI+ community, even if there are problems, at the end of the day we are still together; we can sort of find comfort. I will not dare to say it’s a safe space because finding safety is difficult, but at least comfort.
-Reem
Transitioning from a concept to another
Trigger Warning: The story contains painful and violent details; others may have encountered similar experiences before Society gave me nothing. On the contrary, it denied me my most basic right; to be myself, to be able to go out at 1 in the afternoon, finish my errands and work. To love my family and for them to love me back, or to simply be able to sit in a café and get a coffee like everyone else… Society denied me life.
Being a lesbian transwoman, things were very confusing in the past, they’ve been confusing till recently. Ever Since I was 7 I knew there was something wrong with my body, especially when I was alone. I looked down at my genitalia, and I’d be disgusted. I didn’t even know why. My stomach turned and it felt unfamiliar. I tried to hurt myself many times; to get rid of it; pulling, tugging, pushing it in as an attempt to make it invisible. I saw myself differently. Things started
to develop, till I reached prep school and found myself attracted to girls, which was something normal around boys. Things that would draw my attention were more than just girls’ bodies, I’d notice how they looked, their makeup, their clothes. I secretly told myself that these dresses would have looked better on me. I started hating my sex and hating boys. I became friends with a lot of girls to the point where everyone in class and at the educational center called me a ladies’ man. The thing is that It wasn’t about being a ladies’ man, rather it was me seeing myself in every girl I knew, and imagining as If I was her. I got depressed, I started to get frustrated and tired. Things that were going through my mind like how come I like girls and I am sexually attracted to them, but at the same time I want to wear their dresses, talk and act feminine like them!
In high school, I once saw boys beating up a kid. They said they saw him with a faggot, and he was holding his friend’s penis. On that day I decided that I am going to toughen up, act like the rest of the misogynists in this ignorant society. I told myself so to stay safe from assaults, especially since a lot of people started calling me “sissy boy”. Sometimes talked and acted like girls; which also made girls avoid me because they wanted to be around masculine guys. This was another problem, I couldn’t have girlfriends like I used to when I was little.
One day I was watching TV and I came across a show where they were interviewing a man that had transitioned. They wrote about him in the newspapers too. I couldn’t describe how I felt back then! Am I happy!? Am I shocked!? Am I startled!?. But what I can say is that I was surprised and afraid. I started reading about it, and it was the first time I hear about Transgender people or “Transitioning”. I went online, started to search and I was shocked. I wondered if this is me!? Am I a girl!? But how can I be a girl when I am attracted to girls!?
I went to university still searching for answers, trying to discover my identity, I rejected sex with girls because I was afraid of what it meant. The furthest I ever went for was a kiss, and when she’d try to go further, I got away and have a
meltdown right after. I got depressed again which wasn’t pleasant. I went to a psychiatrist and told him about what was going on. He had some understanding on the subject and explained some things to me about transitioning. He recommended that I do some tests, but unfortunately everything turned out biologically in order. And so he straight out told me
“You are a boy not a girl, and this is a mental condition. You’ll be treated as such”.
I didn’t think I was ill to begin with so I need treatment. Maybe I was ill, but not this sort of illness. I wanted to be a girl, I started digging more into things, and I learned about the LGBTQ+ community from social media. I met activists and they explained things to me. They told me about things I never heared of before. I was convinced especially after a very close friend to me told me
“Marwa, you are not a boy, you are a girl. Take the lead, get where you want to be and I’ll be there by your side”
When I went to bed that night, I dreamt of myself as a girl wearing a dress. And I took this as a sign from God telling me that this is the right way, and this is what is going to make me comfortable. That day I took my first hormone pill. When my mom first knew, she told me
“What do you mean you are not a man!?” I told her “I want to be a girl”.
she replied “You are a man! You are a boy!”, and I went on and said “No, I am a girl and I want surgery and I want to live my life as a girl”
All of the sudden she started screaming and then she collapsed. I carried her, sat her down as she rested for a bit. She started screaming at me again. I was very stressed. She then told my father who started beating me, shouting and hurling slurs at me. Everyone at home found out. My older brother intervened and stopped the beatings and the physical violence. My brother calmly talked to me so he can
understand. He was able to convince my parents to take me to a doctor. We went to the AL Hussien Hospital and I started following up there. They informed my family that it will take them time to make a decision and confirm my identity. My parents agreed to follow up on a condition to deny me from taking my hormones till the hospital’s decision. That was the hardest decision I ever had to make because I was in a relationship with a lesbian woman. I was afraid that my girlfriend would leave me because I wouldn’t be enough for her. I will be off my hormones till God knows when.
Up until recently I was following up at AL Hussien Hospital with no hope of getting my official report. That’s when I gave up, and things started to go south. I was giving up when I got weak sometimes and secretly took my hormones. My parents caught me several times. I went through the most miserable days of my life; they took my phone, I wasn’t allowed to leave my room, not only my house. My mom constantly told me
“Don’t let your brothers see you, you’ll emotionally hurt them, when they see you as a half a boy and half a girl…You are going to turn the rest of your siblings into ‘faggots’ and transvestites like you”
Sometimes they forgot to bring me food, they denied me food sometimes. Untill I started getting sick and they wouldn’t stand my voice or my presence. The fights increased, the beatings increased, especially from my mom. One day I threatened to move out so they’d leave me alone. I was shook to see my mom holding the door wide open telling me
“It’s the day I longed and wished for. Leave, I can’t stand seeing you.”
I packed my things and decided to leave. I stayed with a few Trans friends of mine. A while after there were a lot of problems because my money ran out. I had to move back home. Ever since I did, I am unable to go out as I used to. I live in a conservative neighborhood, which has caused me a lot of problems because of my appearance. In the past, people knew me as “Mohamed”, and now I am Marwa. When I go out I try to
be stealthy, I wear an ice cap and a sweatshirt so it wouldn’t show. However, in the summer, I am exposed. And so I rarely go out. When I do, I see people acting as if they are witnessing a walking scandal.
I am going to keep fighting, and I’ll keep going because I want to enact change as an activist. As a transgener woman, I am not the one transitioning alone from a gender to another. I am transitioning society from one concept to another. I think the concepts of resistance and perseverance help. I wish my dreams of transitioning these concepts come true.
-Marwa
My life in colours
If I were born straight, life would have been much easier, but with how things are, there’s always an urge to prove that I’m better than everyone else. That’s how while I’m 30 years old, I’m an LGBTQI+ activist, an accountant, a translator, and I have a small company with 8 years of experience. I know there is more to come. The person I love is the person who motivates me to stay strong, and stay healthy. My life before I knew him was black and white, and he came in, it was with a bucket full of love and a paintbrush. He painted my life in colors. On the other hand, I always strive to be a good and successful person; to prove myself, not to give up or fail just because of how life is. Even if I am worn-out I push myself to keep going. In the beginning my parents thought that I was a gay man especially after I started hormone therapy. I began taking hormones before
consulting with doctors because I knew who I was; I had an instinct. I wanted my appearance to match my gender identity. Later on I came to know that I am intersex. The first time my mom saw me wearing a long wig and makeup, she eyed me and said
“Take
off what you are wearing, faggot”
Thankfully my dad and my mother were never physically violent with me, because this wasn’t how I was raised; the violence I met was more from friends, work mates, and in the street. When my body started changing, my family’s reaction was
“You are going to tarnish our name”…“People are going to say that we have a faggot living with us!”... “If you want to live like this, then leave”
At that moment they decided that I have to leave home and
depend on myself completely. They will not support me in any way if I am going to be who I am. But that it’s also my personal life, and I am free to live it how I want as long as I do so away from them.
So I moved out, and got a place of my own. I met someone too, but that person subjected me to all sorts of discrimination, physical and psychological abuse. What forced me to tolerate all of this is that he was the only person that was by my side back then. I had no family, and my friends didn’t always have time for me.
I would walk in the street stealthy, because hormones’ changes were very quick, it was as if you’re suddenly dragged from home to hell, with no one besides you, that’s what forced me to stay with this person.
I left this person, and then I moved back in with my parents, after I literally begged them to let me live with them again. They agreed on one condition; that I stop taking my hormones. I fought with them a lot, that’s why we decided that the final say would be to doctors. My mom at the time took me to a urologist, he examined me, and when he saw my body, he
told me
“I am so sorry miss, please dress up”
He switched to using the female pronouns after he was using male pronouns with me. My mom in surprise told him
“He is a boy”
He replied with
“Ma’m the case sitting in front of me isn’t even my specialization, that’s a girl’s body by 95%... Please take her to a gynecologist”
My mom was in disbelief and so we went to a gynecologist. This time, my dad was with us, and he told the doctor
“The faggot shaves his body hair”
The doctor replied
“Please let’s avoid insults, I’ll do the examination and we shall see”
He examined me and did an ultrasound on my pelvic area, the doctor was so angry with my parents that he was pounding on his desk, and he repeatedly said
“She should have been
operated on when she was 5 years old, and everything would have ended back then”
Which is also incorrect, because no one has the right to determine the sex and gender of a child themselves. The child is the one who gets to decide when they are older, but because what he was saying would basically help my cause, I agreed. My mom asked what he meant and so he replied with
“She’s intersex, she has both male and female genitalia”
My mom then started crying and turned to me and said
“I am sorry, I wronged you...”
After that my parents accepted me. I am back to my hormones again behind their back to avoid complicating things with them. At the same time, the society around me is unaware and I am not going explain things to every single person I encounter in the street. This is why winter is my safe space, I can wear baggy clothes or whatever. My face hasn’t changed much so I try to look slightly masculine to be able to deal with things in the street till I find a way to
leave this country.
Truthfully leaving is an inevitable evil even though I personally love my country. I love downtown after 3 am, I love my parents a lot, I love my partner so much so I don’t want to leave all of that. I wish I can live with all of my rights in my own country, not somewhere far away, I want to be able to see my partner, my friends, and my family. I want to be able to just go and grab some sugarcane juice, or go out and grab beans and falafel from the place by my house, but sometimes these simple things can endanger my safety. I am forced to give it all up.
-Gameela
