FREE amber kreimendahl 2017
I have skin outstretched covering my flesh my largest organ is useless every day I run blades over it I bounce back and forth between self-preservation and self-destruction I let my flowers grow just to admire for a short time before I rip them out of the ground just to kick up the dirt I make a mess making sure that you notice, how much damage I am capable of causing my garden being a subtle precaution a warning signal you are forced to look at before you enter the front door I run water in the bathtub I submerge all of my limbs, and then my head I can’t hear your heartbeat underwater my skin becomes hot, the water is scalding I stay under just long enough for it to sting I call you to tell you how bad I’ve gotten between your long pauses I think about submerging myself into you the way that the water absorbs me nothing is real underwater and I am forced to forget everything that isn’t you when I am laying beside you
I cannot forget about the pain when I am looking at the stars they remind me that the world is so big I am small but I feel like a giant I want to exist less, or not at all and I cannot do that while I am looking up at the night sky, but when I am looking into your eyes
I don’t want to uncover you, bury you be numb till I can’t see yr face in the dirt and it is all washed off my hands I’m free there’s a happy glowing star in my chest and it shoots me all the way to the moon. Everything looks so pretty from here I can’t see what I hide from myself I work just to distract myself from all that I feel and all that has been done to me poison traps are setting off the sun sets earlier every day, I have faith in everything we’ve ever done, but I can’t believe that the sun will ever rise for me
how do I take skin, bones and blood and shape them into something different I can’t get the taste of failure out of my mouth I fall asleep with shame and wake up a different person every morning it’s December and I never take it well the cold reminds me of my home and the comparison breaks my heart when I have to face it I want to take long, giant leaps everywhere I go and I want to hold my head up and not stutter when I talk to people that I’ve known for years and years and to people that I’ve just met I don’t know how to feel at home in my bed when you’re in a bed that you don’t want to be in I want to fake my own death and for you to be the only person who knows I’m alive it’s dark and it’s sad and it’s funny that I can feel myself becoming smaller and smaller and I’m not doing anything to stop it from happening I think about the past year and I think about being a victim to so many people I think about what being free means