ease written by a. kreimendahl
They said I’ve got layers to me but I don’t care I’ve never felt so bitter all I feel is bitter if you put me in your mouth I will eat you from the InsIde out. The flowerbeds that rest and grow on my skin are so kept and well maintained i’ve done everything with myself in mind I wouldn’t give you the dirt underneath my fingernails.
I want my blood to flow away from me like a river I don’t want it until its new because its fleeting and that’s apparent and that’s what you told me I want to be like stone you don’t like me when I’m cold and callous but that’s my favorite part of being empty. because there’s barely any words anymore only eye movements and leaving out the back door and when words are said they hang in the air for hours days weeks months like they are misplaced and have nowhere to go.
it can’t be a secret when I tell you that you aren’t exciting to me anymore i wake up in the morning and make my bed the same way every day and I make my breakfast the same way and I walk my dog at the same time every day and I get dressed the same way the same way that I forget to think about you every day
I couldn’t feel at ease if I paid for it I know because I have just shocks and jolts and words that cut my skin like knives and ones that jab at me when I think theyre gone they aren’t because they never are I’ve learned when you can’t remember a time before you had cuts on your skin when you’re self-inflicting over and over where is the beginning nobody is going to be at fault because nobody is ever at fault and nobody will start the conversation it’s not in your DNA but it might as well be because when I think they’re gone they aren’t because they never are I’ve learned when I think about the words ease and comfort it feels out of reach like winning the lottery when I open my mouth I choke on the air that’s been sitting in my lungs waiting to come out and my throat is tight I can’t imagine another life without this
it rains overnight and when you wake up in the morning everything feels fresh and new the water fed the earth and took care of it that’s what waking up with you every day feels like people are falling in love over and over and I’m wondering why I compare going over the motions and impulses to real genuine love because if it’s real there isn’t a comparison or any connecting line is it unfair that by the time I made it to you I wasn’t real I don’t like to think about who you were before we met you could have been anybody else because of the people who took the time to find you but here you are and you’re so beautiful and you’re so perfect I sometimes wonder if I could have been perfect for you years ago but I didn’t take that time I dated a girl who gave me panic attacks on purpose and I thought she was my soul mate and now when you reach for my hand I pull back because I took lessons from those who took the time to find me just to pull me apart you make me feel like my insides are golden and I have a diamond heart I could listen to your voice in the back of my head all day, I am a king but only when you tell me I am I am your royalty, and now the secret is out I need you more than you need me I need your lessons, to put me back together you’re putting me back together, with every word you say to me I want you to be in every room that I enter because you make it brighter I used to want to be anybody else but me but now I feel sad for everybody who doesn’t get to be me at least once in their life because they don’t get to feel the privilege of being yours you fed my soul and body and took care of it and now nobody could get close to me
June 2018 – October 2018