“I will only contemplate forgiveness if she apologises for all the wrongs she has committed against me.” “He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. He has caused me untold pain.” As a pastor I hear such confessions all the time. They come from people who need help because they are hurting due to unresolved conflicts. Unless conflicts are attended to in their earliest stages they have the potential to distance people from one another. Forgiveness has the power to transform conflicts into agents of peace and growth; a lack of it, however, tears marriages apart, brings animosity between in-laws, sours relationships at work and results in divisions among church members.
The Power of Forgiveness
“I want to forgive, but I can’t.”
This book examines the theme of forgiveness in the life of David, the king of Judah. The ways in which he chose to deal with the various conflict situations in his life can teach us much about the power of forgiveness to restore relationships.
Paminus Machamire
The Power of
Forgiveness
Forgiving others is not a transitory event for the Christian; it is the work of a lifetime. Like David, you too can become a conduit of God’s love if you accept His forgiveness and extend it to others.
Dr Machamire has been married to Annie for 35 years. They are blessed with three children, Joy, Kudzai and Tatenda, and two grandchildren.
Paminus Machamire
Dr Paminus Machamire is currently serving as Vice-President of the Southern Africa-Indian Ocean Division (SID) of the Seventh-day Adventist Church in Pretoria, South Africa. Born and educated in Zimbabwe, Dr Machamire has worked extensively since 1977 as a pastor and administrator in Zimbabwe and Botswana. His most recent service before accepting a call to the SID was as president of Botswana Union.
Finding release through forgiving...
ISBN 978-1-920579-45-6
9 781920 579456
Africa Publishing Company
The Power of
Forgiveness
Paminus Machamire
The Power of
Forgiveness Finding release through forgiving...
THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS Finding release through forgiving... Paminus Machamire Copyright © Africa Publishing Company, 2013 Exclusive distribution licence for West Africa – Advent Press PO Box 0102, Ossu, Accra, Ghana Tel: +233 303 930 696 / +233 312 297 076 / +233 312 295 968 Email: advent_press@yahoo.com Exclusive distribution licence for Southern Africa – Africa Publishing Company PO Box 111, Somerset Mall, 7137, Western Cape, South Africa Tel: +27 (0)21 8527656 Fax: +27 (0)86 5022980 Email: info@africacopublishing.com ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise – without prior written permission from the publisher. Unless otherwise marked, all Scripture references taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright ©1973, 1978,1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. ISBN: 978-1-920579-45-6 Publisher: Marcos Cruz Editors: Cristina Sanchez Black, Cindy Hurlow Designer: Melanie Kriel Published in South Africa
Contents Introduction Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Conclusion
Forgive as He forgave For Jonathan’s sake Tragedy in the enemy camp Humble beginnings Harbouring grudges The forgiving father Forgiving yourself Forgive the undeserving Be reconciled
Appendix Ellen White on forgiveness References
7 13 21 27 35 45 53 57 67 71 77
Introduction
Forgive as He forgave “I can’t forgive him; he doesn’t deserve it. He has caused me untold pain.” “I will only contemplate forgiveness if she apologises for all the wrongs that she committed against me.” “I can’t bring myself to attend the same church as he does. The mere sight of him raises my blood pressure.” “Life is not worth living. Suicide is the answer. I can’t forgive myself for committing that terrible sin.” “I want to forgive, but I can’t.” As a pastor I hear such confessions all the time. They come from people who need help because they are hurting due to unresolved conflicts. Conflicts can arise whenever two or more people live together, work together or regularly interact with one another, and, unresolved, they result in strained relationships. Unless conflicts are attended to in their earliest stages they have the potential to distance people from one another. This is true for all relationships. Forgiveness has the power to transform conflicts into agents of peace and growth; a lack of it, however, tears marriages apart, brings animosity between in-laws, sours relationships at work places and results in divisions among church members. In Communication and Conflict Management in Churches and Church Organizations1 Norman Shawchuck identifies
Forgiveness has the power to transform conflicts into agents of peace and growth.
8
The Power of Forgiveness
Unless you confront people who have offended you and discuss conflicts as soon as they arise, it will be difficult to forgive them.
and discusses five styles of conflict management, namely: avoiding, accommodating, collaborating, compromising and competing. A closer examination of each conflict management style clearly highlights which styles lead to positive resolution of conflict and which do not. In the avoiding style of conflict management, a person refuses to face reality and withdraws from conflicts whenever they arise. The long-term effect of this style is frustration and deep-seated hostility. Unless you confront people who have offended you and discuss conflicts as soon as they arise, it will be difficult to forgive them. David failed to confront his son Amnon when he raped Tamar and Absalom when he killed Amnon (2 Samuel 13). The long-term effects were disastrous. The competing management style focuses on self. It pursues a win-win approach for the individual in order to win at all costs while others lose. It is aggressive and domineering. People who make use of this style do not forgive easily. They are quick to destroy longstanding relationships in order to satisfy selfish desires. Ahab, king of Israel, displayed this attitude when Naboth was killed and Ahab took possession of his vineyard (1 Kings 21). In contrast, the accommodating style seeks to preserve relationships at all costs. People who are accommodating have lasting relationships because they are always in a forgiving frame of mind. In Genesis 13 a quarrel arose between the herdsmen of Abram and the herdsmen of his nephew, Lot. Abram resolved the problem by accommodating Lot. He viewed the family relationship as more important than the conflicting issues. Since this style values others, people
Introduction
using it take quick steps to resolve conflict and often choose to forgive rapidly and to forget. Luke 15 records the parable of a father who readily forgave his prodigal son the moment he returned home. These people believe that the spiritual ties among God’s children are more important than holding grudges. When using the collaborating style, a person values the opinion of everyone involved in the conflict. This style is characterised by hope and optimism. If properly explored, collaborating results in long-term relationships where forgiveness is the norm. This style seeks the willing cooperation of the other person, especially an enemy. When Adam and Eve sinned, God took time to listen to them before passing judgment. He allowed them to freely accept grace as it was offered (Genesis 3:10-13). The compromising style of conflict management works towards striking a middle position. Conflicts are settled through a give and take or win-lose approach by both parties. The style is characterised by patience, negotiating and bargaining. The Gibeonites compromised their status and became servants of the Israelites in order to protect their livelihood (Joshua 9). Unless you value people, you will find it hard to forgive them when they offend you. Compromising is looking “not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4, RSV). It is striving to “live in peace with each other” (1 Thessalonians 5:13, CEB).
Forgiveness and relationships My mother tells a story that happened early in her marriage while my father was not at home. In the middle of one
9
Compromising is looking “not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).
10
The Power of Forgiveness
“Any time you need anything, come and ask for it. I will share with you whatever I have.”
particular night, she was disturbed by a strange noise. Quickly she got up and peeped through the cracks in the front door. She was surprised to see a person coming out of the grain storage room carrying a bucket of maize. “Thief!” she exclaimed in her mind, without moving her lips. Just then the moonlight beamed upon the thief ’s face. To her surprise it was her in-law! Although there was very little time to think, various options raced through her mind. Give a loud shout so all the villagers can come and apprehend the thief! Had she chosen this option, the whole village would have known who the village thief was and have the thief disciplined for his behaviour. This option would have resulted in strained relationships. Get a deadly weapon and attack the thief from behind. Options one and two would have made my mother and the thief eternal enemies. Further, this would have closed all possible doors for witnessing to the thief. Let the thief go and behave as if nothing had happened. This option would neither change the behaviour of the thief nor heal my mother’s angry feelings. Confront the thief and, in love, speak forgiveness. Without wasting time she decided to choose this option. With courage she approached the thief and gently asked, “Do you have to steal from me? I am your relative. Any time you need anything, come and ask for it. I will share with you whatever I have.” The thief was dumb-founded and helpless. Words of apology flowed out of his mouth spontaneously. It had worked. Forgiveness turned the enemy into a friend and marked the beginning of a lasting relationship. Forgiveness is the trademark of true Christianity. It is the glue that bonds
Introduction
broken relationships, the universal key to reconciliation and the song that the redeemed will sing for eternity. The Lord demonstrates forgiveness through causing his sun to rise on both the evil and the righteous (Matthew 5:45). He commands his followers to follow his example by loving their enemies and praying for those who persecute them (Matthew 5:44). There can be no love without forgiveness. The increase of conflict in our society makes it more and more complicated for human beings to live together in harmony. When conflicts arise among family members, church members, workers or neighbours, Paul admonishes, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). As a child of God you will experience peace if you resolve conflict by adopting a style in which forgiveness reconciles you to whoever has offended you. This book examines the theme of forgiveness in the life of David, the king of Judah. Like all of us, David faced his share of conflict situations throughout his life. The ways in which he chose to deal with those various situations can teach us much about forgiveness and its role in situations of conflict.
11
As a child of God you will experience peace if you resolve conflict by adopting a style in which forgiveness reconciles you to whoever has offended you.
12
The Power of Forgiveness
Chapter 7
Forgive the undeserving In 1982, I enrolled in a Master’s programme in South Africa. It was the first time I had ever travelled outside Zimbabwe, my home country. Going to South Africa was like going to a first world country. Immediately I fell in love with Cape Town and with every person that I met. On the opening day, I joined the queue at the registration office. Finally my turn came. I handed the admission letter to the registration officer. “Are you MacMire?” she asked, looking straight into my eyes. “My name is pronounced Machamire and not MacMire,” I responded. She then asked me to take a little break while she sorted out my accommodation. I could sense that something was not right. The lady was gone for a long time. What puzzled me was that the students who had registered before me were served in a very short time. I wondered why I was the only one who needed that kind of break. The short break developed into a long break after which the lady returned with keys to my room. When I got to the room I figured out that because the admissions officer had pronounced my name ‘MacMire’, she had concluded that I was Scottish and paired me with a white man. During that long break she had quickly changed my roommate from
“Are you MacMire?” she asked, looking straight into my eyes.
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The Power of Forgiveness
I had not expected to experience this kind of segregation in a Christian institution.
white to black. Unfortunately, she had forgotten to run down to the hostel to remove the names that were posted on the doors prior to our arrival on campus. I was the only black student who, until that registration morning, had been paired in the same room with a white man. The discovery upset me. I took a deep breath, not knowing what to do next. I had not expected to experience this kind of segregation in a Christian institution. “In Christ there is neither black nor white,� I said to myself. I wondered if I was at a Christian institution. I wanted to go back to the admissions office immediately and register my complaint in no uncertain terms. But then something told me to calm down. Only then did I realise that South Africa was in a transition from decades of apartheid and they needed time to adjust. They needed forgiveness and tolerance. This consideration changed my attitude towards white South Africans. Suddenly it dawned on me that I was the one who had a problem. I needed to understand different cultures, environments and backgrounds. Change, yes, change, was expected of me and not the other person. I remembered how Jesus did not take offence at the Samaritans when they denied him access through their village. Instead he rebuked John and James for requesting his permission to call fire from heaven to destroy the village (Luke 9:51-55). Only then was I at peace with myself and with my brothers and sisters from white South Africa. Forgiveness helps the offended more than it does the offender. When I shared this experience with my friends they
Forgive the undeserving
59
all laughed and started calling me ‘MacMire’. To this day many of them call me by my Scottish name and we laugh about it. My children love it. That’s the name they use on their e-mail addresses. As I write this book, I am back in South Africa and my “Scottish” name has come alive again. Thank God for the gift of forgiveness.
Four promises of forgiveness Forgiveness is genuine when you put it into practice. It is characterised by what Ken Sande called ‘The Four Promises of Forgiveness’ (as quoted in I Forgive You, But…): “I will not dwell on this incident; I will not use [this incident] against you; I will not talk to others about this incident; and I will not allow this incident to stand between us or to hinder our personal relationship.”1 You can only make forgiveness permanent if you look at the ex-offender with different eyes. You need a mindset that allows you to treat an offender in a more positive light even when a similar wrong is repeated. You choose the attitude of forgiveness even when you recognise that the person intends to hurt you. There are people who believe that forgiving an offender encourages irresponsible behaviour. Others never extend forgiveness unless the offender is willing to take the initiative to sincerely apologise. According to Philip Yancey, the most common Greek word for forgiveness in the New Testament means, “literally to release, to hurl away, to free yourself.”2 Yancey further quotes the words of Lewis Smedes: “The first and often the only person to be healed by forgiveness is the person who does the forgiveness.”3 George Herbert
You can only make forgiveness permanent if you look at the ex-offender with different eyes.
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The Power of Forgiveness
wrote, “He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven.”4
David and Shimei
“The first and often the only person to be healed by forgiveness is the person who does the forgiveness.”
The experience of David and Shimei is intriguing. When David was on the run from Absalom, he came to Bahurim where Shimei, who came from the same tribe as Saul, confronted him with curses. He threw stones at David and his officials and cursed, “Get out, get out, you murderer, you scoundrel! The Lord has repaid you for all the blood you shed in the household of Saul, in whose place you have reigned…You have come to ruin because you are a murderer!” (2 Samuel 16:7-8). Abishai charged to cut off Shimei’s throat but David forbade him. He reasoned that Shimei’s curses were nothing compared to what his own son Absalom was doing to him. After the war was over David started on his way back to Jerusalem. Surprisingly, Shimei was among the first group of people that went out to meet the king at Gilgal. Lying prostrate before the king, he said, “May my lord not hold me guilty. Do not remember how your servant did wrong on the day my lord the king left Jerusalem. May the king put it out of his mind. For I your servant know that I have sinned…” (2 Samuel 19:19-20). Abishai, who was angry with Shimei for having cursed ‘the Lord’s anointed’, offered to put him to death. But for the second time David protected the offender by choosing to forgive. He promised Shimei on oath, “You shall not die” (2 Samuel 19:23). The attitude of crushing the offender as displayed by
Forgive the undeserving
Abishai is the driving force behind the devil. He wants sinners to die in their sins. He is jealous when God substitutes death with grace. But we serve a God of second chances. He gave a second chance to Adam, the father of the human race after he disobeyed the command of his Maker. Abraham was given a second chance after he took Hagar for his wife. Jacob robbed Esau of his birth right and cheated his aging father in order to receive a blessing, but God gave him a second chance until he repented of his sin. This culminated in God changing his name to Israel. David was given a second chance when he confessed his sin and prayed for a new heart. You are still alive today not because of your faithfulness but because God has given you another chance. You have the privilege, if you choose to follow the attitude of Christ, to extend second chances to whoever offends you. Grace demands that you follow God’s example. Surrender to His love, His will and His leading, moment by moment.
Abishai and revenge Abishai was eager to see revenge exercised on Shimei. In his opinion, only revenge would balance the ledger of wrong and right. The accounting entry would debit one side with an eye and the other side with another eye – tit for tat. However David chose to give Shimei a second chance. He chose to replace revenge with grace. His forgiveness was not extended to a deserving person; it was an act of grace. Shimei’s offence was still fresh in the mind of David. He did not need to be reminded by Abishai. While the law of justice tries to restore harmony through an “eye for an
61
You have the privilege, if you choose to follow the attitude of Christ, to extend second chances to whoever offends you.
62
The Power of Forgiveness
His forgiveness was not extended to a deserving person; it was an act of grace.
eye” arrangement, grace – by freeing the offender from the punitive demands of justice – heals the relationship by restoring harmony. David’s charge to Solomon, “But now do not consider him innocent … Bring his grey head down to the grave in blood” (1 Kings 2:9), suggests to me that he had not completely forgiven Shimei. In his wisdom, Solomon decided to deal gently with Shimei. He designed a plan that would save Shimei’s life. “Build yourself a house in Jerusalem and live there, but do not go anywhere else. The day you leave and cross the Kidron Valley, you can be sure you will die; your blood will be on your own head” (1 Kings 2:3637). King Solomon used a compromising style of give and take to control Shimei’s movements. Shimei considered this to be a fair treatment and for a long time he obeyed the king’s orders. Three years later his slaves ran away from him and went to Gath. Disregarding the king’s order, Shimei saddled his donkey and went to Gath in search of them. When Solomon learnt of Shimei’s disobedience, he had him put to death for breaking the oath that he swore before God and for all the wrongs that he committed against King David. Shimei was careless with his life. He took the king’s forgiveness for granted and stepped over the generous boundaries set for him by the king. He abused his second chance. Shimei’s experience is an object lesson for us today. Most importantly, it teaches us that while forgiveness is free, it is not cheap. It cost the life of Christ on the cross. For that
Forgive the undeserving
reason it needs to be given the value that it deserves. His experience also teaches us that forgiveness does not replace the law. It was imperative that Shimei obey the law after the king had granted him mercy. Jesus commanded the woman who was caught in adultery to go and sin no more. In other words, she was to go and obey the law, not in order to earn grace but because she had received grace. Law and grace are eternal companions. They both originate from Christ. However, it is not possible for anyone to keep the law except through Christ. In the same vein, you can only be gracious to an offender if you understand that your life and your future hang on the grace that Christ has given you. The more grace you receive, the more you must give to others. Like Shimei, you are under a death sentence because you have sinned. The Bible says, “…the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). As a sinner your only hope is in Christ. In Him you receive the free gift of grace. This gift is granted to those who choose to remain inside the walls of Jerusalem. The Bible points out, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2).
Lessons from Nelson Mandela One of the greatest stories of forgiveness in this modern age is the story of Nelson Mandela. He spent 27 years of his life in prison. Despite spending about 18 of those years on Robben Island, where his main occupation was to crush stones into gravel, he did not become bitter against his captors. He described the island as the “harshest, most iron-
63
You can only be gracious to an offender if you understand that your life and your future hang on the grace that Christ has given you.
64
The Power of Forgiveness
“The time for the healing of wounds has come. The moment to bridge the chasms that divide us has come.”
fisted outpost in the South African penal system…a hardship station not only for the prisoners but for the prison staff.”5 After his release he became the first democratically elected president of South Africa. In this position he had every opportunity to take revenge on his captors for their rough treatment. Instead, he chose to forgive them. His actions clearly demonstrate Jesus’ words: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28, NET). Further, Mandela pioneered a nation-building effort to unite the different races of South Africa. At his inauguration he said, “The time for the healing of wounds has come. The moment to bridge the chasms that divide us has come.” Mandela’s attitude of forgiveness and reconciliation was embraced by F.W.de Klerk, his predecessor, who confessed, “The National Party has gone on our knees before God Almighty to pray for His forgiveness. I stand before you today…to admit that which was wrong…to continue to build bridges in our quest for reconciliation...Reconciliation cannot be achieved unless there is also repentance on all sides. I should like to express my deepest sympathy with all those on all sides who suffered during the conflict...”6 In his book, Leading like Madiba, Martin Kalungu-Banda writes that among the many guests that Mr Mandela invited to his inauguration as State President, was the man who had guarded him on Robben Island. He adds, “I have learnt that even though revenge looks attractive on the face of it, it leaves more pain than forgiveness does. Even as a selfish move, making the effort to forgive is more satisfying than avenging oneself. Being able to forgive is not a point of weakness as
Forgive the undeserving
many people think. It takes enormous strength.”7 He points out that people that extend forgiveness to others are deeply liberated by their own action. The sweetness that comes with forgiving others has immeasurable rewards that will compel you to continue the practice. The spirit of forgiveness that Nelson Mandela initiated avoided a possible bloodbath from occurring in South Africa. He worked hard to embrace the Afrikaners through rugby, a sport that is almost a religion among some fans. One top ANC official commented, “These Afrikaner rugby people, they were the ones – the very ones – who treated us worst. These were the guys who kicked us off the pavement onto the streets.”8 In spite of this, Mandela told his people not to focus on the horrors of apartheid. He urged both black and white South Africans to “forget the past and concentrate on building a better future for all.”9 Five minutes before kickoff of the 1995 Rugby World Cup final, Nelson Mandela stepped out onto the field to shake hands with the players. He was wearing the green Springbok cap and jersey that to his own people had been a symbol of apartheid.10 Nelson Mandela chose the path of forgiveness. He used rugby not only to unite the people of South Africa, but also to win their support for him as their president. The power of his attitude not only changed the entire nation but had ripple effects around the world. Conversely, as I write this book the ANC Youth League leader, Julius Malema, is on trial for “hate speech” for singing the struggle song “Dubul’ iBhunu” (“Shoot the Boer”). In his ruling, Judge Colin Lamont concluded by
65
The power of his attitude not only changed the entire nation but had ripple effects around the world.
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The Power of Forgiveness
saying that this song may have been acceptable during the time of apartheid, but not now because, “The enemy has become a friend, a brother and an equal member of the society.”11 This is what happens after true forgiveness.
Lessons to Consider 1. Sometimes you have to change before you are able to forgive. 2. Forgiveness means that you put the incident behind you. 3. When you forgive, you distance yourself from the conflict and thereby regain freedom from its power to hurt you. 4. Follow Christ’s example and give everyone a second chance – every time. 5. Forgiveness should never be taken for granted. 6. Forgiveness does not replace the law.
“I will only contemplate forgiveness if she apologises for all the wrongs she has committed against me.” “He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. He has caused me untold pain.” As a pastor I hear such confessions all the time. They come from people who need help because they are hurting due to unresolved conflicts. Unless conflicts are attended to in their earliest stages they have the potential to distance people from one another. Forgiveness has the power to transform conflicts into agents of peace and growth; a lack of it, however, tears marriages apart, brings animosity between in-laws, sours relationships at work and results in divisions among church members.
The Power of Forgiveness
“I want to forgive, but I can’t.”
This book examines the theme of forgiveness in the life of David, the king of Judah. The ways in which he chose to deal with the various conflict situations in his life can teach us much about the power of forgiveness to restore relationships.
Paminus Machamire
The Power of
Forgiveness
Forgiving others is not a transitory event for the Christian; it is the work of a lifetime. Like David, you too can become a conduit of God’s love if you accept His forgiveness and extend it to others.
Dr Machamire has been married to Annie for 35 years. They are blessed with three children, Joy, Kudzai and Tatenda, and two grandchildren.
Paminus Machamire
Dr Paminus Machamire is currently serving as Vice-President of the Southern Africa-Indian Ocean Division (SID) of the Seventh-day Adventist Church in Pretoria, South Africa. Born and educated in Zimbabwe, Dr Machamire has worked extensively since 1977 as a pastor and administrator in Zimbabwe and Botswana. His most recent service before accepting a call to the SID was as president of Botswana Union.
Finding release through forgiving...
ISBN 978-1-920579-45-6
9 781920 579456
Africa Publishing Company