On Dit Edition 82.1

82.1

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INSIDE: BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB // GOLD MEDAL CYCLIST // FESTIVALS // AND MORE

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contents

VOLUME EIGHTY-TWO // EDITION ONE

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YCLE CLUB BIC

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CORRESPONDENCE WHAT’S ON PRESIDENT SPIELS POLITICS VOX POP

SCOTT McPHEE INTERVIEW WHAT’S NEWS FEATURED ARTIST FESTIVA: HELLO LOLA

LANEWAY

CHEAP FRINGE-ING CREATIVE: NEW BEGINNINGS

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COLUMNS REVIEWS DIVERSIONS ELEANOR’S KITCHEN!

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Editors: Sharmonie Cockayne, Daisy Freeburn and Yasmin Martin.

Cover Artwork by Monty Do-Wyeld. Back cover by Jack Lowe. Inside back cover by Amirah Abdul Rahman.

On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union.

On Dit is produced and printed on the traditional country of the Kuarna people of the Adelaide Plains. We recognise and respect their cultural heritage, beliefs and relationship with the land.

Published 24/2/2014

editorial

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D

o us a favour. Close this magazine for a minute and have a good long look at the cover. Go on. We know you saw it when you picked this magazine up, but humour us for a second.

What you’re looking at is Sam Haberman by this edition’s Featured Artist, Monty Do-Wyeld. Take a good, long hard look at the man’s face. Stare into his eyes.

Do you see it?

That, dear readers, is fear. That guy is scared shitless. We don’t know why, and we don’t really care. All we know is that we can empathise, and we’re sure you can too.

We didn’t pick this cover because we’re first-time magazine editors and we’re terrified (really, we’re not). We didn’t pick it because launching this magazine is like launching a vertical spit bomb, and that’s scary. We didn’t even pick it because we like checkered shirts.

We picked it because everyone is a little bit scared, and we don’t think that’s a bad thing. Fear keeps your legs moving when you’re trying to dodge that guy that won’t stop trying to be your friend. Fear gets you out of bed and into painful nine o’clock lectures in the morning. Fear makes you drink strawberry milk till you projectile vomit in front of a crowd of cheering O’Weekers. (Ok, that’s THE Fear, not fear in general, but it’s still scary). Fear keeps you working on a magazine at three in the morning when you know it’s as good as it’s ever going to get.

this magazine is full of student issues and ideas, and most of them are about our favourite subject: you.

So maybe we are a little bit terrified.

We hope you enjoy our first offering of On Dit. In your travels, remember:

This year we’ll be featuring creative writing and student artists in every issue. We’ve also introduced two new columns to help you stay up to date with the political going-ons that affect you. Elliot Hoskin rounds up the latest news in federal and state government on page 10, while William Deacon lifts the lid on student politics here at our very own university.

But, as we all know, fear and excitement go together like butterflies and your stomach, and we definitely have butterflies.

Doth sometimes counsel take and, sometimes tea.

Welcome to Volume 82 of On Dit! For 81 years On Dit has been the mouthpiece of the student voice, and this year will be no different. With original work from cover to cover,

Yasmin (and daisy and Sharmonie)

Till next time,

comicals

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Many thanks

Thanks to Stella, Casey and Holly, for teaching us how to magazine. Idris, for chocolate-delivering and fabulous Eurovision playlist. Alex, for trying to kind of help, kind of. Angus, for the distribution we assume you’re going to do. Galen, for the Espresso-3000. All the contributors who gave us their work to put in our humble little magazine.

Michael Buble and Nina Simone for their duet. Unthanks to the endless squeal of the hot water system in Union House. Kudos to the Office Cricket, Jiminy – your tunes are super smooth and mellow, dude.

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correspondence

PAGE Dear Editors, The first television weather report in the world was telecast or broadcast on the British Broadcasting Commission on Jan 11 1954 .

But do we really know more about Australian weather now in Jan 2014 than we knew in Jan 1954 ?

Australians now know that South America weather affects the weather of East Coast of Australia with such celebrities as “El Nino” and “La Nina” !

But what causes the weather of the West Coast Of Australia ?

Nobody seems to really know .

The weather on the West Coast of Australia just seems to turn up on weather reports as if by magic or by God’s hand (Adam Smith) !

Does the weather of the West Coast come from Africa or Asia ?

Why does the West Coast weather just head east for the East Coast within a week ??

Happy Chinese Year Of The Horse (Jan 31 2014), Jane Wallace

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what’s on 6

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hey there, stranger.

On this page you’ll find all of the events, info, strange things people say sometimes, news, bake sales, pub crawls, tarp-surfing competitions and anything else you could possibly want to know about the University of Adelaide. Did we miss anything? Let us know at ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

free brekky Student Care and the SRC are hosting free weekly breakfasts to keep our keen eyed students healthy and happy on campus. It will be happening every Tuesday (excluding holidays), 8.30am – 10am, in the Fix Lounge next to Unibooks.

O’week!

What’s this year’s O’week going to be like? Only the greatest O’Week of your life.

The best way to learn about all that Adelaide Univerity has to offer – clubs, services, entertainment, bars, a super cool student media tent (hi guys) and so many freebies you’ll waddle off campus looking like Marge after the Springfield Candy Convention.

It’s happening February 24th to 28th on the Barr Smith Lawns and surrounds. Pretty much all over uni, really.

get involved! discounts

More money-saving? Yesh please, I hear you say. $2 takeaway coffees at Howling Owl, $10 gourmet v at Downtown HDCB and a free side of fries, and$15 for Chicken or Beef Burger with chips and a pint of Coopers at The British.

Just show your Union Card. If you don’t have one, get one. And you’ll get cheap stuff. Go to unione.auu.org.au.

SRC and Union meetings are open for all students. Join On Dit on the guest bench and watch as the pollies get shit done (or not done).

SRC Meetings are held fortnightly; the next one is March 3rd.

AUU Board meetings are held monthly; the next one is March 20th.

books! all of the books!

overheard at adelaide uni

Buy and sell second-hand text books with the new book co-op for students.The shop will be open all semester, but there’ll be an initial book sale in Hub Central in Week One, from March 3rd to 7th. 10am – 5pm.

Girl 1: “Why are you so creepy all of a sudden?”

Girl 2: “Because I’m tired and I’m holding back a splurge of diarrhoea.”

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For more information, see Lawrence Ben’s article on page 42.

career expo CPA Career Expo is one of the largest industry specific events for students and graduates seeking a career based on professional accounting skills.

It’s happening on Friday 7th March, 2.30pm – 5.30pm at the Adelaide Convention Centre. To register for the event, go to cpaaustralia.com.au/careerexpo.

your spaces The Women’s Room: Located on level 1 of the Lady Symon Building, the room is a delegated area only for the use of female students.

The Rainbow Room: Located on level 6 of Union House, the Rainbow Room is a sanctuary for LGBTIQ students.

The Prayer Room: Located on level 6 of Union House, for followers of the Islamic Faith.

The Unibar: Grab a beer and schnitzel deal with your mates on level 5 of Union House.

days until: State Election: 18 Mid-Semester Break: 48 Easter: 52 Christmas: 303

talk to us. please.

Email: onditmag@gmail.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Instagram: @onditmag Snail Mail: On Dit, c/o Adelaide University Union, Level 4 Union House, University of Adelaide, 5005 In Real Life: Pop into our office on the West side of the Barr Smith Lawns. Yep, you’ll have to walk down those gloomy looking stairs. Soz.

glorious leaders

state of the union

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SAm davis, auu president

bureaucracy and more about running their exciting events. This year every club will have their own page on our website where they can advertise events and happenings and to communicate with students better.

I’m really looking forward to seeing how we can get clubs active on all three University campuses and make being part of clubs one of the best parts of your university experience.

The Union runs a massive range of events on campus, including O’Week. The Union is running stacks of stuff out on the Barr Smith Lawns during O’Week, so come down and partay. We also run heaps of events throughout the year on all University Campuses so make sure that you keep track of what’s coming up. Other big events this year are the National Band Comp, end-ofterm parties and many more. Events, big and small, happen most weeks during semester.

Hello and welcome to the first of the Union’s President’s On Dit column for the year. For those of you that don’t know me (which I’m guessing is most of you), my name is Sam. I’m an economics student who hopes to finish my degree one day, and I also make my own beer and am a swing dancer.

This year is set to be an exciting year at the University.

The University’s starting to plan the redevelopment of Union House this year, and we really want it to become a new centre for student life and activity. This is a fantastic opportunity to create more culture on campus, and will provide opportunities for clubs to run even bigger and better events. I am really looking forward to working with my fellow students and the University to turn the Union House monolith into a more dynamic space that provides a new centre for Union services.

The Union has also been working on improving services and support for clubs. I’m happy to say that we have now registered over 110 clubs. Hopefully this will be a fantastic year for clubs, where they focus less on

Just a reminder to students that Student Care runs an advocacy and support service. If you need help or representation in your relationship with the University for any reason, or if you fall on hard times financially, our Education and Welfare Officers can give you assistance. Student Care is located in the Lady Symon Building, next to Union House.

This year the Union will be offering membership as usual, with stacks of discounts, including $40 off of membership at the gym on campus, 10% off of sales at the General, $2 coffees from Howling Owl and so much more.

If you have any questions about the Union, you can pop up and say hi at Level 4 of Union House, or drop us an email at auu@auu.org.au. If you want to get in contact with me, you can drop me an email at auupresident@ auu.org.au, or bump into me at the Unibar on a Friday evening.

glorious leaders

student representative column Lucy Small-Pearce, SRC president

My name is Lucy Small-Pearce and I’m your SRC President for 2014.

The SRC (Student Representative Council) is an elected body of students whose job it is to represent you to the university, to state and federal governments and other relevant bodies.

There have been some worrying trends in the higher education sector and over the past decade we have seen a decrease in university funding, the introduction of Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU) and a progressive move towards casualisation of the university sector. The introduction of the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) has gone a small way in helping bring student unions back from the devastation they faced after VSU, however we still face huge uncertainty after the election of the Abbott government. The ability for the SRC to function effectively is reliant on the SSAF and a strong and well-funded union. This is why the SRC needs to prove our relevance to the wider student body and this is what we will be working on in 2014.

Students are facing extremely high levels of poverty; one third of students skip meals to afford to go to university and two thirds of students live below the poverty line. These worrying statistics triggered the SRC and Student Care to collaborate on a project to start a free weekly breakfast on campus. This will be starting in the first week of semester and will be held weekly during semester on Tuesdays 8.30am-10am in Fix Student Lounge.

Starting university can be challenging so the SRC makes the Counter Guide each year to help give new students an honest guide to university life - written entirely by students. It includes tips, course reviews and free services for students. We will also be running daily student tours of student spaces on campus during Orientation Week and the first week of semester

because we know that a new campus can be daunting.

Most students don’t find many of the awesome student spaces on campus until after first year. During Orientation Week you can find us at our stall on the Barr Smith Lawns to find out when we will be holding them during O’Week and first week of semester.

My job is to hear your suggestions, worries and ideas, so please contact the SRC or myself if you need anything.

Even if we can’t fix your problem we can tell you where to go or give you good advice. Come down to our stall during O’Week, meet the SRC, ask us how you can get involved and grab some free tampons/pads/condoms. srcpresident@auu.org.au Twitter: @adelaidesrc facebook.com/adelaidesrc

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reportage

a fairly current affair ELLIOTT HOSKIN sums up the latest political shenanigans

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The last few weeks in Australian Federal Politics have been dominated by the Government’s inability to love thy neighbour. Tensions between Indonesia and Australia reached new heights in the wake of Australian naval vessels violating the Indonesian maritime borders in January. Immigration Minister Scott Morrison has issued apologies, but the Indonesian Government’s patience is wearing thin in regards to operation ‘Sovereign Borders’. It has now become impossible to watch any form of news broadcast without seeing Scott Morrison sweating out an apology or justification. If Indonesia remains hostile to the government’s immigration policy don’t expect change.

The war on government-owned press has been started, by none other than the government. The ABC and SBS have become the targets of a review set to occur over the coming months. Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull announced that the review was to take place to make sure the taxpayer dollar is being spent as efficiently as possible. However, concerns have been raised that this is an attempt to remove the alleged left-wing bias from the ABC. Education Minister Christopher Pyne made headlines by reigniting the ‘History Wars’ debate in Australia.

Fearing a left-wing bias in the current Australian curriculum, Pyne has initiated a formal review to be run by two prominent Australian conservatives. Pyne is hoping to shift the curriculum towards a focus on Australia’s ‘Judeo-Christian’ heritage. Critics have been quick to point out that Labor’s curriculum review panel had a dozen members, whereas this review has far less opportunity for balance. This is an excellent example of history being again re-written by the winners (of the last election).

As a result of the government’s push to reduce spending, foreign aid has received a $650 million cut. This affects aid programs the world over, but

hits hardest throughout Asia and the Middle East.

Interestingly, Nauru was one of the only places spared from any form of cut, but Indonesia lost out on $59 million. This marks the Government’s break from the Millennium Development Goals, which aimed for 0.5 per cent of gross national income in aid. I can’t say anything witty about this, because it’s just sad.

Cory Bernardi’s controversial book The Conservative Revolution, which was released just before Christmas, is now already into its second print run. The book calls for the restoration of the traditional family model, as well as accusing women of using abortions as ‘an abhorrent form of birth control’. The Liberal senator’s views have been criticised from all sides of politics and the media, but the book has still sold out. Impressively, the e-book has also sold very well. Who’d have thought Kindle users were conservative? Bernardi made a name for himself as the king of conservative thought in Australian politics last year when he said the legalisation of gay marriage would lead to a rise in bestiality.

Finally, it is interesting to note that in the wake of the recent heat wave and resulting bushfires, federal politicians have made sure not to recreate Australian Greens Deputy Leader Adam Bandt’s ‘gaffe’ of relating increased bushfire rates to global climate change. The born-again Climate Council released a report last week detailing recent research that shows that bushfire season is getting longer and more severe. In a world where school shootings bring about gun law contention and the sinking of an “illegal” boat leads to border control debate, it is quite odd that it is seen as a faux pas in Australia to relate climate change to a bushfire tragedy.

2014 has thus far proven to be a tumultuous period for the Abbott government. At the rate it is going, this columnist is going to be kept very busy.

Elliot asks all the questions dads do, makes all the jokes dads do and is shockingly not actually a dad. He is average height for a woman.

reportage

THIS IS ADELAIDE STUDENT POLITICS William deacon suffers from FACTION DISTRACTION art by katie hamilton Coinciding with my decision to write for On Dit, the opaque walls of quintessential student life have crumbled before my eyes. Secret meetings, inter-factional violence, backstabbing and even Shakespearean romance between ideologically incompatible lovers; this shit is bananas.

The first time I participated in our uni student politics was during the student elections of my first year.

Indifferent and ignorant, I pledged subservience to the first faction to interrupt my daily routine. After walking out of the voting booth and observing how many had been caught under the same spell, I wondered what proportion of our 10 per cent voter turnout actually knew anything about student politics.

This year, I seek to eliminate the intimidation and confusion towards this political scene, and put the students in the forefront of University student politics. Our plan at On Dit is to create a relevant, balanced and entertaining look at this intimidating and convoluted side of the University.

Since the most exciting thing to come out of the last Adelaide University Union (AUU) board meeting was a squabble between board director Robert Katsambis and the rest of the board over legal jargon in the casual vacancy policy (which concluded with President Sam Davis saying that anyone who reads into the matter at that level of detail ‘needs to get laid’), I am very aware that this column falls into the category of “Slow News Day”. So I’m going to give you a brief breakdown of the political makeup of the AUU Board.

Not only is it some of the most important detail any student needs to confidently place their vote, it is also definitely one of the most needlessly complex aspects of university student politics.

For those of you that don’t know, the AUU board consists of ten board directors. Five of them are elected annually for a two-year term during the student elections, so we have a continuing cycle of old and new directors. The board directors then elect the AUU President from among themselves for a one-year term.

Now, there are some that don’t like to use the words “political” and “faction” when discussing the board. The board is, after all, a corporate entity whose directors are

supposed to put the interests of the AUU before their factional allegiances. Of course, this ignores the fact that board directors are for the most part elected to the board on political tickets, and students are campaigned to with (and ideally vote for) these tickets’ policies. So let’s take a brief look at the tickets that successfully got some of their board candidates elected.

Activate (3 seats): This ticket is commonly associated with the Young Labor Left, although it should be noted that not all members are part of the Labor Party. These are your pro-union social justice politicians, filled by President Sam Davis, Student Media Chair Alice Bitmead and General Councillor Aaron Dela Paz.

IndyGo (3 seats): IndyGo is a politically unaffiliated ticket that runs on the platform of supporting solely independent and progressive candidates. This means that in most cases you will see IndyGo and Activate combining votes to take majority of the board. These seats are filled by Vice-President Catherine Story, Clubs Chair Amelia Briggs and SRC President Lucy Small-Pearce.

For U (1 seat): For U is the University of Adelaide’s Liberal faction, with its lone seat held by Robert Katsambis.

Progress (3 seats): Finally, Progress is an outré party, at least from my point of view. It was started by Renjie Du, and is described on their website as the “Captain Planet Movement”.

Interestingly, Progress did not run a candidate for Environment Officer for the Student Representative Council at the recent student elections. Captain Planet movement indeed. Progress’ seats are filled by Renjie Du, Wanzhen Li and Former Vice-President Yao Zheng.

To analyse, even taking the AUU President out of the picture, on an average vote there is a clear 6-4 majority towards the left. Will this house sanctity survive 2014 unscathed? Only you have to power to change that, readers. Till next time!

William Deacon is a third year international politics student. A self-proclaimed ‘wank’, you’d think he would take his position utmost solemnity.

You’d be wrong...

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vox pop

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Tatjana // 3rd year International Studies/German

Dulan // 2nd year Law/Finance

Georgia // Honours Petroleum Geology/ Geophysics

1. When I was 7, I won 4 movie tickets to Recess: School’s Out.

1. Like, 6 bags of cat food.

1. iPhone 5.

2. Chopper Reid.

2. Yes, I usually go to random shows that pop into my life.

2. I would love to see some shows, but haven’t figured out which ones yet.

3. Put it in my wallet and save it for my next fruchocs craving.

4. Undecided.

5. Time management!

6. Queen Bey. Need I say more?

3. Put it in my wallet.

4. Guilty.

3. Spend it on parking, a book, or food.

5. Be friendly, talk, make friends!

4. Maybe guilty? Hard to say!

6. Beyonce because I don’t know the other person.

5. Find friends and study with them - fun and productive!

6. Queen Bey! Just love Beyonce, no comparison really.

On Dit popped these students’ voxes and asked: 1. What is the best freebie you’ve ever received?

2. Planning on seeing any shows at the Fringe or Adelaide Festival this year? If so, which ones?

3. You’ve just found $20 in your pocket. What do you with it?

4. Schapelle Corby: Innocent or guilty?

5. Best advice for first year students?

6. Beyonce Knowles or Solange Knowles?

Reuben // Honours

Ellie // 4th year

justin // 3rd year

1. I got a coke at the Mall.

1. I once won a Crumpler backpack filled with tinsel.

1. An upgrade on a plane or in a hotel, for sure.

2. So many! I am most excited for Roman Tragedies - 6 hours of interactive Shakespeare!

2. Charlie Pickering from the Project and that Heckle Jesus show.

Psychology

2. Yeah, don’t know which yet.

3. Packet of Winnie Blues.

4. Guilty.

5. Be pessimistic.

6. Beyonce. Dat ass.

Law/Environmental Studies

3. Buy some gelati and put the change in my Europe fund jar!

4. Oh wow, I’m not even going to… nope.

5. Get involved in student media!

6. Queen Bey. But Solange is a close second!

commerce

3. Put it on red or shout my mates a round at the unibar.

4. Who cares. There are more important issues that deserve media attention.

5. In winter, do not give into the temptation to wear trackies to Uni. 6. Beyonce, because Destiny’s Child was the first concert I went to, which was back in 2005 with mum.

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feature

words by Carlos Danger art by Alex Weiland

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W

hen University of Adelaide student Angas was walking out of the Bombay Bicycle Club and saw a message about penalty rates that he didn’t approve of, he did what most people in his age bracket would have done: he took a photo and posted it on social media.

What happened over the next 48 hours can really only be described as a social media clusterfuck, ranking somewhere between an Amanda Bynes tweet and Anthony Weiner’s dick pic.

The offending object that created a pretty minor media storm (the same way a water skiing budgie would) was a mounted plaque that read as follows:

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We will have to pay our staff 2.75 times the base rate for public holidays.

This is how the prices on our bar menu would look using that formula.

[Insert list of meal options accompanied by significantly higher prices] Still not convinced this is an unreasonable amount?

Divide what you currently get per hour by 2.75!

Proper menus are in the bar!

Afterwards, the unhappy diner went home and posted a one star review on the Facebook page of the Bombay Bicycle Club. Then all of his friends did as well. Then the Bombay Bicycle Club responded, and so began the clusterfuck.

In a Facebook post that called supporters of penalty rates ‘idiots’, the Bombay Bicycle Club decried any wrongdoing and stuck with its core rhetoric that if people had to pay 2.75 times the amount for various services, they would be outraged. The salient point being that the wages workers would potentially be paid are absurd, and the Bombay Bicycle Club was both justified in its outrage and allowed to express its outrage as management saw fit.

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when plaq Response on social media was swift.

Don’t open on public holidays or take it out of your plaque money fund.

Interesting to see that wages make up 100 per cent of your costs. While it must suck to have to compensate people fairly for working when everyone else gets a holiday, it must be nice to not have to pay for rent, insurance or food.

It all got a bit real for the Bombay Bicycle Club when it ended up on News.com.au, AdelaideNow, The Guardian and now On Dit. They’ve since taken down the offending plaque, apologised to their customers, and have embarked on their not so merry way. One news report quoted a marketing expert who predicted that it would take the Bombay Bicycle Club two years to recover from the public relations disaster that was the plaque. For budding business/pub owners out there, here’s a hot tip: don’t invest in plaques.

What was sadly missing from the post-media shit storm was a broader discussion of penalty

rates. United Voice - the union that covers hospitality workers - took the opportunity to put out a media release explaining how penalty rates actually work. They don’t quite work the way the plaque claimed. Second hot tip: don’t blindly trust plaques.

I approached United Voice to figure out where the plaque had led me wrong.

ques attack

feature

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PAGE ‘Penalty rates provide for higher rates of pay if a worker performs work at anti-social times, such as late at night, early in the morning, on weekends or on recognised public holidays,’ said United Voice Secretary David Di Troia.

Last year, United Voice worked with other unions in South Australia on a campaign to create a part-day public holiday on Christmas Eve and New

Years Eve after 7pm. According to Secretary Di Troia, this move would ‘ensure that thousands of workers receive compensation for giving up time most of us will spend with our friends and family.’

I’m not sure how that holds up against the line that several small businesses remorselessly stick to: with wage costs being driven higher, it becomes bad business for

restaurants, retail outlets and small businesses to operate on weekends or public holidays.

The University of Adelaide Student Representative Council (SRC) President Lucy SmallPearce, however, argued that penalty rates (and the minimum wage in general) are there to ensure workers receive a living wage for work they do.

*All quotations in illustration taken from the “Reviews” section of the official Facebook page of the Bombay Bicycle Club.

feature

I see the benefits for students.

It’s no shocker, but the student population is filled with hospitality and retail workers. There are so many of us who are living out of home and working to support ourselves financially – a burden the generation before us didn’t bear as much. All the while, debt is piling up. Despite the thousands of dollars of debt I’ve got to pay off at some point in my near future it was always the week-to-week pressures that got to me.

I always knew I was really running low when I started counting shifts of work by what they could buy me.

You know: these three shifts will cover my meds, pay my share of the gas bill and leave me enough to buy a six pack of Mi Goreng.

My weekend shifts paid for the big things: my rent, food and public transport. Without penalty rates, I would have struggled significantly more just to make ends meet.

However, if my employer decided not to open on weekends I would have been just as screwed.

Is it a question of whether workers, and their time both at and away from work, are valued enough?

The Bombay Bicycle Club clearly made attempts to dispel any idea that they might devalue their workers. They assured their Facebook critics that they valued and respected their workers, and people worked at the Bombay Bicycle Club because they wanted to, not because they had to.

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There’s a balance to be struck here, but I think it’s reasonable to expect that as the cost of living rises, penalty rates and the minimum wage needs to rise as well.

‘Penalty rates are important for students because they often supplement low wages that students will receive working in unskilled areas to

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support themselves to study,’ SRC President Lucy Small-Pearce said.

‘Penalty rates also usually paid when you are working outside of “normal” nine to five working times and these are times that are regularly used to socialise, see family and relax.’

Employers who don’t pay penalty rates are in fact the ones jeopardising jobs for students, as they are undermining the legal minimum wage, which includes the payment of penalty rates. Doing this means that students must work for longer hours to get the same amount of money they would be entitled to with penalty rates. By undermining the legal wage (including penalty rates) they create jobs that do not pay living wages, and there is no value in simply having more jobs that don’t pay living wages.

these three shifts will cover my meds, my share of the gas bill and leave me just enough to buy a six pack of mi goreng.

Unfortunately for them, they failed to address the legitimate questions that a lot of the sarcastic Facebook commentary posed. How can wages make up the entirety of the Bombay Bicycle Club’s costs, as the plaque implies? Would the Bombay Bicycle Club really need to multiply their prices 2.75 times to cope with the increase in wages?

At the end of the day, the misleading plaque was taken down, and I like to think this will become a very minor folk tale of Adelaide, not unlike the 2010 Adelaide Earthquake.

Now, for those of you who have been reading this and going ‘Hang on, I’m casually employed, working in retail but don’t receive a higher wage than normal,’ you’re in a bit of trouble in

the sense that you’ve probably been showing up to work to have one or two people smirk behind their hands about how they’ve managed to sucker in another student while underpaying them.

A lot of us have been that student.

Don’t worry though – President Lucy Small-Pearce has some advice for us on this.

First, she advises that you go to your union, if you’re already a member, since they’ll be able to give you advice and representation. If you aren’t a member of your union (which President SmallPearce encourages you to be), you can get free representation for one case from the Young Workers Legal Service, but after that, you’ll need to join your union.

‘It really is worth it,’ she said. ‘My union has helped me recover around $2500 back pay for about 6 months work from a former employer.’ $2500 dollars is a lot of money to be getting from penalty rates.

There are a lot of things you could buy with $2500.

Like a plaque.

But don’t buy a plaque; we’ve seen how stories with plaques end.

interview

SCOTT McPHEE paralympic pilot cyclist. adelaide law student.

F

or an endless stretch in January, the mean streets of Adelaide are uninhabitable. The thought of leaving home causes a pre-emptive outbreak of sweating and frustration, walking down Rundle street comes like a punch to the jaw delivered by an intoxicated Woolshed patron.

I am not, of course, referring to the heatwaves, but something far more unbearable: the ripple effects of the Tour Down Under.

Hobby cyclists with fake sponsors plastered across their intentionally unzipped lycra unitards take over Felici, sipping their grande soy frappacinos with honey and discussing the deep burns in their hairless limbs. Scum, I’d say. If these 40-something Parkside dads represented the cycling tradition, I wanted none of it.

But what if there were people for whom cycling didn’t exist as an avenue to bolster their #clean-eating image? What if somewhere, somehow, there were cyclists that weren’t even a little bit wanky, just decent people doing amazing things? I know, I know, I didn’t believe it either, ‘til I met Scott McPhee. Scott, a law student at Adelaide, has been a cyclist for

seven years, and a Paralympic pilot cyclist extraordinaire since 2010.

‘Pilot cyclist? What the flip-heck is that?’ you ask. It’s not as I previously thought – a groundbreaking and potentially unfeasible combination of bike-riding and recreational light-plane flying – but according to Wikipedia, a ‘sighted’ athlete who rides tandem with a blind or visually impaired cyclist.

Scott’s cycling career began after the South Australia Sports Institute (SASI) did a talent search at his school in 2006. When required to undergo a beep test, Scott didn’t run two laps, fake a mild seizure and lie in a dark room for an hour like a young me - he was selected to attend SASI. The next three or four years was a series of national championships, track and road cycling, rigorous training and general success. Then in 2010, vision-impaired Paralympic cyclist Kieran Modra gave SASI a call.

Kieran had been to Beijing, Athens and Sydney and was generally considered to be a Gun Cyclist And Top Bloke. He told SASI that he wanted to come out of retirement for London, but needed a pilot.

Cue Scott.

‘It was a bit of an experiment, me getting the gig,’ says Scott, ‘I was a guinea pig, because usually pilots were retired, having come through the sport, but I was this young athlete. I’d always raced as a junior, so before I’d even got to do my first senior race, they said “put it on hold and do this”. It was interesting when my coach sat me down – I was 18 years old – because there’s a very clear path laid out for athletes, and suddenly I’ve got this whole other pathway that’s just been thrown at me that I’d never even thought of. I was a bit skeptical at first, but I said I’d give it a go. It was going to be a step sideways, but my gut feeling said it would be a good choice, and it really was.’

So with that, at the end of 2010, Scott got onto the tandem with Kieran Modra and began training in earnest in January. Their first event was the World Championships in Italy that February. Obviously, they broke the world record and won the event.

Standard. Things were looking pretty good for Scott and Kieran.

‘Throughout 2011, we spent most of the year in Italy,’ Scott tells me, ‘we raced in Belgium and Italy and all around there doing track

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‘He was lying on his side and kept saying “I’m all right, I’m okay”, but I was like “you’re not okay.” We took him to the hospital and he’d broken his hip and his collarbone.

So it was like, okay, that’s it, we had to get on a plane back home,’ said Scott. The pair had a few weeks to rest up, but Kieran was unstoppable, jumping back on the tandem as soon as the doctors would let him.

The first event they had was the Oceanic Championships, which they won with the ease of Nigella Lawson licking butter off a spoon.

Everything seemed back to normal.

Too normal. Cue second disaster.

broken back, and with that, we kind of thought that’s it, it’s finished.’

A week later, Scott was cleaning his bike/musing on life’s mysteries, when he got a call from Kieran’s wife. She told Scott that he’d had an accident, and it was bad. ‘His sight had been slowly deteriorating, and

This is the point where any average pilot Joe might have hung up his branded lycra and called it a day. Not Scott. His coach got a call from the only other tandem cyclist in Australia, a guy from Queensland who was completely blind, that needed a pilot for the World Championships in LA. This gent was a whole different ballpark from Kieran; “You had to be with him twenty-four hours a day guiding him, helping him use the toilet, I had to become a carer. I learnt on the job, but it was good – he’s a relatable guy who’d had a bad accident when he was 17 and was blinded, but he’s a really down to earth, nice guy. We ended up winning the World Championships and it was a big relief – we’d managed to defend the title I wasn’t sure we’d be able to defend.’

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events, and we kept winning every event. Kieran was very independent – when we weren’t racing, he was training on his own, and I was training on my own, and we’d come together for the races.’ Then, like the midpoint in any Friday night TV movie, disaster struck. They were in Copenhagen in November of 2011 for yet another world event of which they were favourites to win when Kieran and Scott decided to go for a ride down the road from the hotel to the coast and back.

Kieran attempted to jump the curb, missed and fell over.

When you’ve been kicked in the backside over and over, and you come out of the other side smiling, it just makes you realize what you’ve got. they wanted him to spend more and more time with me,’ Scott tells me, ‘but he’d been riding to work down a cement hill at 70 km/h and he didn’t see a car parked on the other side of the road. He looked over, didn’t see any traffic, misjudged the distance and went straight into the back of it. He was comatose for a few weeks with a broken neck and a

When Scott got back to Australia in February, Kieran was still going through rehab. In three months he had taught himself how to walk and shortly after that, the bemused and

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But of course, in true filmatic style, all their hard work paid off in dramatic form at the Paralympics. ‘We had no ranking, no qualification, nothing, because we hadn’t done any state or national racing after Kieran’s rehab.

We had no idea how we were going to go – it was going to be like the first time around, except now there was so much pressure because people expected us to win. When the day came, we just gave it everything.’

They got to the final, they won the final, and then they casually broke a few world records on the side.

They are, to use the common expression, the shit.

But more than being a

record-breaking, gold-medal-winning athlete, Scott is just a really top bloke with some pretty wise ideas. ‘The better off you are, the worse off you are, because you

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awed doctors of the Australian Sports Institute gave him the okay to hop back on the bike for London. For the next five months, the duo pushed themselves harder than an overenthusiastic uterus during labour: ‘Every day I’d be waking up at 5am, driving out to Kieran’s house in Hallet Cove, be with him for training, take him to the gym – I spent a lot of money on petrol. Some nights we wouldn’t get out of the velodrome till past midnight. I’d never been so tired.’

They got to the final, they won the final, and then they casually broke a few world records on the side.

They are, to use the common expression, the shit. don’t appreciate it. When you’ve been kicked in the backside over and over, and you come out of the other side smiling, it just makes you realize what you’ve got. I cherish all this, because I probably won’t need to be kicked up the backside now, because I’ve seen these guys who wake up in the morning and every minute they’re out of bed, their life is a struggle, but they do it. And not only do they do it, these guys can get up

and say “well I’m going to be an Olympic athlete. I’ve got no legs, well okay, I’m going to run.”’

The dodgiest interviewer in the Adelaide area isn’t the only one impressed: on the 26th of January, Scott was awarded an Order of Australia for his work on the tandem, presumably complete with commemorative plaque and a sumptuous afternoon tea. He’s now headed to Belgium for a year, living with several other young cyclists, getting back to his roots on a normal bike and testing his limits in Europe. Nice.

If, as I am intensely fearful of, this recounting of epic achievement has inspired you to crack out your pistachio-coloured fixie, shave your legs and head down Rundle Street, I’ll leave you with one of Scott’s most valuable pearls of wisdom: ‘If you’re riding a bike and trying to get healthy, good on you. Just don’t be a dickhead.’ A-flipping-men.

Alice Bitmead spent the lead-up to her deadline watching the entire Mother And Son DVD boxset. As such, her articles come courtesy of StoryGenerator.com. Sorry.

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What’s news, pussycat?

Whoah-oh-oh-oohh

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words by Holly ritson art by Anthony Nocera

W

e come to university to learn, to be educated.

So what happens when we finish university? When we’re no longer taught about the world by academics who’ve devoted years to developing a nuanced understanding of what they’re teaching, how then do we seek the light of new knowledge? Yes, there’ll be Continuing Professional Development requirements, and yes, old people will still try and tell you they know best. There’s a brand new public library in the city, but surely there will be a more accessible option.

Well, you’ve obviously worked out that there is, as you’re looking right at it: news media. When it comes to disseminating information that’s relevant and up to date, or irrelevant and outdated, the media neatly replaces many features of your formal university learning experience. Most of us don’t even wait until we finish university to make the most of the extra information news media provide (despite no longer being able to pick up The Advertiser for free).

The media equips us for political pub debates, provides us with pre-packaged justifications for opinions on what’s good, bad, or just ugly, and directly creates and influences our reality. Which website you read or radio station

you listen to determines the language you’ll use to describe an issue, how you think the issue should be solved, and whether or not you think there’s an issue at all.

Because our reliance on the media for information about current events is so normalised and habitual, we often don’t even realise the impact our media consumption is having on our worldview.

The rate at which we can refresh for updates hardly allows for the time necessary to reflect on the relevance of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death to our lives, but merely to understand that it’s important. If it’s important enough to be reported on and analysed by News.com.au, The Guardian, and Buzzfeed, it must be worth knowing about.

So how does news media get to be so influential in our lives? Short answer: the internet. If you’re even slightly engaged with Facebook or Twitter, it’s a struggle to avoid knowing the daily ‘trending’ news stories. We’ve become used to knowing, or expecting to know, what’s happening anywhere in the world at any given moment.

Digital news media means we can follow stories as they happen— rather than spending five minutes reading a summary of an event in an evening paper, we can spend a whole evening refreshing Twitter in front of ABC24 to witness a leadership spill.

The demise of print media means news media push digital engagement as a way to secure readers and advertising revenue. It’s a cycle— as more people move to getting their news online, media sources are encouraged to put more news online, meaning that readers spend more time online to ensure that they’re completely up to date with the news. And it’s not just online news that provides hours of procrastination—add in television, radio, and dear old print and you’ve got more information than anyone could consume in a 24-hour cycle.

Given how influential and prevalent news media are, it’s worth thinking critically about what information we’re being provided with. While

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we’d like to think that surely the likes of Tony Jones, Clementine Ford and Greg Sheridan could never disappoint us in their displays of journalistic integrity, the state of news media in Australia is fairly dismal. Though each major news source romantically suggests itself to be independent and committed to the democratic need for a free and rigorous press, in reality, political and commercial interests motivate most major media sources.

Normally the ‘bias’ resulting from advertiser or shareholder pressure shows itself in subtle yet insidious ways—news stories about Masterchef contestants are published next to advertisements for Coles supermarkets. In relation to the current campaign against the ABC orchestrated by

the government, it’s little wonder that the big media (News Corp Australia and Fairfax Media) are supporting the government’s criticisms—a less effective national broadcaster would potentially increase readership for News Corp and Fairfax. Reporting the apparent ‘left-wing bias’ of the ABC makes commercial sense.

Political motivations appear more explicitly—take The Daily Telegraph’s questionable ‘Kick This Mob Out’ cover in September 2013. A Liberal government suits News Corp Australia’s interests, as they share the values of legislative deregulation and prioritisation of freedom of expression that allow the press to operate with limited regard for individuals’ rights to privacy.

What’s more concerning in the Australian news landscape is how little choice we as consumers have.

If you think reading The Australian, The Advertiser, your local Messenger paper and AdelaideNow.com.au means you’re broadening your perspectives on an issue, you’re not. News Corp Australia, run by the infamous media mogul Rupert Murdoch, publishes all of the above.

Ownership of all the major metropolitan papers in the country is split between News Corp and Fairfax Media (who publish Australian Financial Review, Sydney Morning Herald and The Age), resulting in a largely restricted perspective on the news across the country. Though there are a number of alternative media sources, such as Crikey, The Conversation, Black Inc. publications, and, of course, student

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newspapers, that provide interesting analysis of novel issues, these are mostly online only and have relatively limited circulation. And while there will always be news hipsters to tell you about an article they read on a website that you’ve never even heard of, when most mainstream media consumers are more obsessed with seeing Karl Stefanovic’s most recent antics, it’s unsurprising that big media companies aren’t rushing to publish resource-intensive reporting.

Despite the standardised content of the news we access, the variety of ways in which we receive news results in a glut of information.

Putting aside the problems with the content, this flood of information creates further issues for our news-crazed age. Being incessantly updated on ‘Breaking News’ and the latest headlines makes it difficult to focus on what’s important—both in the context of the news and in our lives. Is the fact that a 94 year old woman is starting a university degree really as important as Schapelle Corby being released

too bad, we’ve started reading a list of pugs that are having a worse day.

from prison? And are either of these stories really relevant to that paper on statistical modelling you should be working on, or how you should go about teaching your housemate about the purpose of toilet cleaner?

Probably not.

Ultimately, we end up confused, bored, and distracted by the news.

It’s frustrating to know so much about the injustices and inequalities of the world, and to feel so unsure about where to even start with doing anything about it. Thankfully, before we’ve had a chance to feel

It would be naïve and unproductive to suggest boycotting all news media, as the editors of On Dit probably would disapprove, though avoiding constant updates sometimes, say on weekends, or when you should listening to your lecturer, is probably quite healthy and productive. Instead, it’s a matter of applying those critical thinking skills you’ve learnt at university in real life. Read widely, don’t take everything at face value, and try to be discerning. Even better, get away from your computer or TV or broadsheet-covered kitchen table and find other ways to learn about the world. Call your grandparent, read an old book, visit the museum or cook something new. After all, you’ll probably get more likes for your Instagram of eating lemon tarts with your mum than sharing that Al Jazeera article on Hilary Clinton’s 2016 Presidential Campaign.

Holly Ritson is a foundation subscriber to The Saturday Paper. She’s considering moving to Canberra so she can read it in print.

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artowrk

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featured artist

monty do-wyeld

‘Unbelievable (The Only Painting You’ve Ever Done of Me, and it’s Me Doing Shots)’ (31 x 41 cm)

artwork

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‘Teddy’ (41 x 31 cm)

‘Today I Saw a Pile of Magazines in the Office With a Hurried Note on Top: ‘Help Yourself ’ and I Thought to Myself Hey That’s Really Good Advice (Portrait of James Martin)’ (90 x 60 cm)

Monty is a second-year Medicine student at the University of Adelaide.

His artwork is usually done in oil, acrylics and charcoal and is primarily portraiture. He drew a horse once when he was fourteen, but it didn’t go down so well with his sister who told him to stick to drawing faces.

He once fell asleep on a woman on the bus. He doesn’t think she really liked that.

All of his artwork on this page is for sale and he is able to do commissioned work.

You can see all of Mont’s featured works and more in fancy fandangled technicolour at dowyeld.blogspot.com. au, and also on the cover of this magazine!

‘Suckadickolas (Portrait of Nicholas Scott)’ (76 x 61 cm)

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! l a v i t s fe page 28: Lola’s Pergola page 31: Laneway page 34: Cheap Fringe-ing

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he l l o l o l a words: STELLA CRAWFORD art: SPARK SANDERS

One night last year, I was indoctrinated into a cult.

‘Sponges are all’, we cried, and greeted our sponge brothers and sponge sisters in their matching white robes [read: sheets with holes in] with exclamations of joy.

It didn’t matter that we had gone into the Sponge Clubrooms alone – as we came out, we were united. And while we felt some Envy at the People of the Horse, who rode horse sticks of the highest quality across the vast plains of the dancefloor, we nevertheless felt happy as we downed our Tequila Specials (and secure in the knowledge of our salvation).

At its worst, it was a night spent in a queue before giving up and going to the pub. It was almost impossible to get into, and even when you did, it was a little pricey and a little gross (the toilets at least).

Regardless of your personal experiences whith that concrete playground, it’s gone now. Kaput, ceased to be, shuffled off its mortal coil. I sat down with Ross Ganf, Creative Director of the Adelaide Festival Club, to get a better idea of what its replacement, 2014’s Lola’s Pergola, is really about.

In the ever changing world of set-up-pull-down clubs, anything that stays more than a year or two risks, according to Ganf, getting trapped. ‘I think if you keep doing the same thing you turn into another Spiegel Garden, and you see them all around Australia’. It made sense, he said, to run Barrio for two years (as 2013 was the first year of the Festival becoming an annual event) but after that, a new leaf needed to be turned.

None of this is really news – rumour in 2013 was that David Sefton hadn’t wanted to run Barrio a second time – that it survived by being simply too popular to kill. It was never going to make it to a third year.

The more important question was where, having made such a strong connection with the ‘youth’ population with Barrio, the organisers would choose to take the club in the next year.

What they’ve done has been more dramatic than expected. In order to differentiate itself from just any 2014 club, the Festival organisers needed to highlight a point of difference.

GENDER

At the launch of the 2014 Adelaide Festival program, David Sefton,

Artistic Director, said that Barrio had been ‘too male’. Ross Ganf described the Barrio landscape as ‘a pretty masculine, rough place’.

It seems the first true difference between the two clubs is the environment the organisers have set out to create.

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We were at Barrio, of course.

Those kinds of experiences were Barrio at its best.

It’s not about going to an imaginary fantasy world. It’s more about going to Lola’s...we’re all sharing that space together.

Lola’s, Ganf went on to tell me, will be a much more ‘luxurious, fresh and summery’ place to be. A place more suited to ‘shar[ing] a lovely bottle of wine on a picnic blanket’.

The relocation from Hajek Plaza to the bank of the Torrens certainly changes the vibe, moving away from a late night party atmosphere, towards that of a relaxed dinner, with some dancing on the side.

Ganf was quick to deny that it was the audience of Barrio that was ‘too male’, or that they were specifically targeting women in their advertising for Lola’s. ‘Maybe the femininity that’s coming through in our marketing is reflective of our location geographically’, he said.

Nevertheless, the femininity of Lola’s – evident even in its name – seems to be a reaction to something that not many Barrio patrons would have considered a problem. While Barrio was lively (read: somewhat drunken) and loud, it never seemed particularly gendered. By polarising the two clubs, the organisers risk enforcing stereotypes about what is masculine and feminine. There’s a lot to be said for a more comfortable location for a party, but did they need to sell it as a ladies night?

AGE

With its emphasis on fine food and wine, Lola’s target audience seems to be an older crowd than the 20-somethings that flocked to

Barrio. In particular, the degustation dinners – priced at a cool $130 a head, seem calculated to bring in the average Festival goer – the middle aged and upper middle class – and head off the cheap-eats-seeking, late-night-dancing Barrio guest.

Ganf, however, explained that it wasn’t so much about age as it was about making the Festival Club accessible to Festival ticket holders.

‘If you had gone and seen a festival show, it was very hard to get into Barrio because it was normally at capacity at that stage. For me, that was a bit of a disconnect from what the festival club had been in the past – it was always a place to go for a drink after shows, mingle with artists... that sort of thing. So I wanted to get back into that stuff.

So the decision we made was to open earlier, at 6, and really be able to do dinner.’

Ganf explained the idea of Lola’s: ‘It’s not about going to an imaginary fantasy world. It’s more about going to Lola’s – someone’s really personal backyard space, super friendly and super inviting, and we’re all sharing that space together.’

As to the pricing, well, there are some more affordable options. The team from Barrio’s Neon Lobster return, and in conjunction with Duncan Welgemoed (from Bistro Dom) present Tasty Hots, which is doing much more reasonable takeaway meals from $15 or so.

Which will still be ‘restaurant quality food’, apparently – but hopefully in this case that means super tasty and not ‘very little on a plate’.

‘I hope the On Dit readership feels like it’s a club for them. Because clubs are for young people’, Ganf said, and confirmed that the elements of interactivity that made Barrio so weird would be returning to Lola’s. Plus, he added, the DJ lineup features some of the best acts in the country (DJ Dexter) and even the world (DJ Harvey).

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Lola’s Pergola also brings with it an atmosphere that wouldn’t be at odds with a Tourism SA advert. It’s selling the old story of South Australia – that we have wine and food and a pretty valley or two – but it seems at odds with the revitalisation that Adelaide’s been experiencing.

As Ganf explained, to him, it was all the same thing. ‘We’re pretty hard on ourselves sometimes, and we’re going through this sort of beautiful renaissance in Adelaide.’

‘The idea that I draw upon for this club was the idea that we shouldn’t be trying to pretend to be someone else and Lola’s is really about trying to get to know who we are and embracing that.’

‘There are a really amazing bunch of artists and winemakers living in SA at the moment...[the inspiration came from] their community and investigating what they were about

and what they were interested in, and really allowing a club to be born from that.’

world famous DJs on rotation – that’s a question for each and every guest this year.

That inspiration, it seems, involves paganistic winemaking nights, and younger, non-traditional chefs and winemakers. No astronauts, as yet, however1, so we can be temporarily content that Lola’s isn’t a secret campaign launch of the next SA Great! campaign.

In the meantime, perhaps we can think about what we want out of a night on the town. Are we looking for that fantasy world, the Sponge Club evening of all our pasts? Or as Ganf describes, a night of simple comforts, indulgence and fun:

THE COMPLETE EXPERIENCE

If Lola’s aims differ in any respect, it’s that they’re attempting to cater to, well, pretty much everyone.

Whether the club can offer a consistently great experience – when the intimate backyard setting is trying to accommodate roped off sections for pricy dinners, pagan winemaking ceremonies, touring theatre and a dancefloor featuring See the newest Tourism SA advert.

1

‘If you go out, you don’t start your night dancing. You maybe wanna eat some food, first. Then you wanna drink some beers, and relax and talk and have conversation and then you want something weird to happen – something strange and exciting that gets you fired up. And then you want to dance.’

Lola’s is basically trying to create that experience.’

Photo courtesy of Adelaide Festival.

CLASSIC SA

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St. Jerome’s Laneway Festival: Glitches in the City of Chvrches Words: Jennifer Nguyen

Photographs: Sharmonie Cockayne

T

he one good thing about our sweltering summer is its ability to attract the equally hot (if not hotter) musical talents who flock to our shores to perform for our keen Adelaideian audiences.

This year, St Jerome’s Laneway Festival found a new home in the historical heart (Hart’s Mill) of Port Adelaide. Laneway’s tenth festival line up featured a diverse range of

sounds; from ambient chill-wave to bossy hip hop beats, while also celebrating an influx of sassy girl bands and overachieving teen prodigies.

Laneway has a ‘no headliner’ policy, creating exposure for new and upcoming acts; most of whom have only released a few solid EP’s or full length albums.

I asked Craig Lock from 5/4 Entertainment, one of the

organisers of the Adelaide leg of the Laneway tour, how the Laneway team manage to accurately predict the next best thing in music time and time again.

‘We can take a bit of a risk and be more experimental [with the acts] because it is expected,’ he said. He noted an ‘electronically orientated’ trend amongst new wave of acts.

The festival’s strong focus on the

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music attracts the curious type of individual who enjoys discovering something different. ‘Laneway is about discovering something new.

People who come to the event are expecting to see new acts,’ said Craig. ‘This is the culture we’re breeding around the festival.’

Oh, what a culture. Run The Jewels and Earl Sweatshirt roughed it out in the Port, spitting lyrics all over a bitchin’ blend of bass heavy beats. Much lighter were the psychedelic sounds of Youth Lagoon and Australia’s Jagwar Ma. Acts like XXYYXX and Mount Kimbie were more concerned with pioneering production perfection.

At the other end of the scale were the edgier punk bands, like Savages and Parquet Courts who simply relied on guitars, drums and vocals to captivate their audiences.

In a perfect world, I would’ve been able to see these new acts play out their entire sets.

However, a line-up of ‘30 or so good acts’ (all of which I liked) unfortunately meant that I had to sacrifice the ends of sets in the interest of seeing as many acts as I could. Craig describes

this dilemma as a ‘double-edged sword because, though we try, we can’t please everybody.’

Firstly, for safety reasons, it is necessary to spread the crowd. Secondly, the festival is programmed to ‘create a holistic experience’. Craig believes the good thing to come out of programme clashes is that it forces people to split time between

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festival!

i’ve been to music festivals before where absent acts have caused a near riot. acts, see other bands and explore the location. ‘We think about the event as a whole, to create an experience with all elements, including location and music.’

The location was indeed an experience in itself. The spacious new site allowed for vintage stalls, a feast of food trucks, and plenty of space to explore. Another surprisingly pleasant feature was, believe it or not, my fellow laneway attendees.

I’ve been to music festivals before where absent acts have caused a near-riot. My experience when crammed into the audience waiting for the very delayed Chvrches defied these expectations. Almost biblical in their response to the band’s unfortunate holdup, audience members comforted each other in the stifling heat with a sense of solidarity and festival-forged camaraderie. As sinful as it is for acts to cancel at the last minute, the Scottish synth-pop trio were largely forgiven when Lauren Mayberry apologised for the ‘technical fuck up’ via song, treating the audience to an angelic a capella version of The Mother We Share.

Aside from a handful of glitches at Laneway in the City of Churches, it was a new experience for all; the local council, festival promoters, attendees and the cohort of musicians. The early positive signs from this year’s event are the ‘bones of what you believe in’ and I believe that Laneway can only get better.

Jenny is good at heaps of stuff, but writing 25 word bios is not in her field of expertise.

Blame the illuminati.

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memorable quotes from laneway XXYYXX:

‘I’m so bored.’ (later on...) ‘This is the last song you’ll be able to dance to, so act like you actually paid money to go to a concert.’

Parquet Courts: ‘Wow, I can’t believe we got to girlfriends-on-shoulders!’

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doing fringe on the cheap 34 PAGE

Words: Justin Boden Images: Clinton Phosavanh

When it comes to listing the advantages of living in Adelaide, having the Fringe on our doorstep has to rate somewhere near the top. The world-class festival brings forth all sorts of treats to us that other cities would kill for: big-name comedians, indie musicians, vibrant inner-city parades, classy little cabaret events, a glut of foodie stalls, pop-up venues in hidden little alleyways, candid performances from distinguished actors, and more opportunities to form an orderly queue than you could poke a stick at. But as far as festivals go, it’s not the friendliest to students on a budget: the Fringe has gotten a little corporate here and there, and if you want to catch a few shows a week you might need to move into a higher pay grade first.

But, never fear, we’re here to help with On Dit’s Guide to Doing Fringe on the Cheap.

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BECOME AN ARTIST An artist pass is basically a golden ticket to the Fringe.

It gets you entry into the Fringe Club (for you and a guest), cheap deals on food and drink, and ticketless entry into most shows. (Just make sure to talk to the venue staff first: they don’t like being blindsided.) Of course, it’s too late to register for this year’s festival, but if you have a Fringe-worthy talent, start refining it now! The College of the Arts offers courses for all manner of creatives and performers who want to get their start, the Ed Castle hosts Monday Night For The Lonely Soul – a variety show for emerging entertainers in improv, music, theatre, comedy, etc. – and aspiring comics can hone their craft at Rhino Room’s one mic stand. Whatever your creative urges, there are outlets in Adelaide to develop them, and room at the Fringe to share them with the world.

VOLUNTEER Unfortunately this also takes a little preparation – the ship has well and truly sailed for most of these

opportunities – but working from the inside confers all sorts of benefits: free shows, cheap drinks, and invites to exclusive events. And there are many ways to get involved. Core and parade volunteers – you’ll want to apply for these roles by early December of the year before – help set-up and marshal the official Fringe events, but there are also opportunities for venue-specific work and flyer distribution that are on offer until January. Whatever you end up doing, though, you’ll get to see a side of the Fringe the regular punters aren’t exposed to, and for a lot cheaper at that.

REVIEW Start a blog and write-up any shows you see. If you’re good at it, publications might be willing to take you on: there’s a demand for talented writers at this time of year, and a portfolio of work will serve you well if you want to walk into such a role. At the very least artists might be willing to give you complimentary tickets for you to review their shows, and if you’re really good – if your blog is trending on Twitter, say – then they’ll be the ones contacting you.

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SUBSIDISED TICKETS

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If you’re a full-time student, concession tickets are already a pretty sweet deal: use your student card early, and use it often. (If you’re part-time, and under thirty, you might want to sign up for Fringe Benefits to get a similar deal.) But you can do better than that. BankSA helps subsidise shows so they can offer $10 tickets, although you’ll want to get onto these asap. There are also half-price tickets on offer each day of the Fringe, between midday and 3pm. Check the Fringe website and their box offices on Rundle Mall and in Norwood.

Sign up to their mailing list to receive daily updates of what’s on offer.

how before the show. There’s nothing wrong with winding-down before a night of hilarity and debauchery, just do it smart.

GET ENTHUSED Become a denizen of the Fringe. Explore it, get to know new people, take a chance on artists you’re unfamiliar with, keep an ear out for unusual shows, find people who’ll sneak you into the Fringe Club. You’ll end up with stories that’ll last you a lifetime, and you’ll get access to a festival experience that they’re not selling tickets for at the box office.

FREE SHOWS Make sure you check out all the free showcase events.

The Tuxedo Cat hosts one every Friday and Saturday night of the Fringe, and BankSA hosts an earlier concert in the afternoon from Thursdays to Sundays. By itself this is a great deal – although don’t be surprised if they offer the hat around after – but the real advantage of these gigs is that they expose you to artists that you might not have otherwise discovered. If you really like someone, approach them and tell them you like what they’re doing. If you’re enthusiastic enough artists will sometimes offer you comp tickets because they know you’ll encourage more people along to their show.

Like artist pages on Facebook. Follow them on Twitter.

Frequently artists offer discount tickets over their social media pages, usually in the form of a password that drops the ticket price at the box office, and this is a great way to get a group of people along to an act.

PACK YOUR LUNCH It’s ridiculous to squeeze artists for cheap tickets if you’re then going to hand over twice as much money on a hot dog with chips. Avoid the Fringe eateries like they’re stock-piling cancer, and take advantage of the end-of-day specials at the food courts instead. (Just leave the sushi behind – if its been sitting there all day, your gastrointestinal system is not going to have fun with it.) Or make yourself a toastie in the Hub’s kitchen, and sneak it into the Garden. Security won’t like it, but it’s not like you’ve never snuck chocolate into a cinema.

And avoid places that apply the Fringe Tax to their drinks prices: let the business-casual crowd hand over $8 for a tepid shiraz served in a plastic cup. Instead, favour Fringe venues that are bars all year round.

The Austral, Producer’s Bar and La Boheme are just some such places that offer drink specials throughout February and March. Failing that, forgo alcohol entirely and just get loose in any other way you know

Justin thinks that by studying the past we might come to better understand the human condition or, failing that, win big at quiz nights.

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creative

38 PAGE

last days words and image by Katherine Ahern

I

t was morning. Vivienne shifted into the sunlight, squinting.

Like every early riser in the city that day, she shrugged into her blanket sea and silenced her alarm with a series of random hand movements. She shifted in unison with bankers, golfers and unspecified businessman, all condemned

to coffee and the newspaper instead of that delicious decline back into sleep. Our girl. All scruffy and rustled on her last day in the country.

There was glitter on her white lace dress (had she really not changed out of it last night?) and an assortment of cups leaving crop circles

on the bedside table. She searched around for water but could only find stone cold coffee and traces of red wine. Oh. It was so tempting to let the linen bury her but her phone was going wild again, birds were making a damn racket out the window and the neighbours were making an even damneder racket

creative below them on the street. Just shut it out just shut it out just… Just shut it.

She had some things to face. Last night had been all loose change and loose ends. They’d only gotten to bed a few hours ago, but Thom wasn’t lying next to her. His side of the bed was still warm and crumpled. It was probably going to be the last morning she’d ever wake up next to him, and she hadn’t woken up next to him at all. Her phone lit up again, throwing a right tantrum on the pillow. Years of having that same iPhone alarm had rendered her anxious at the sound.

Sometimes when stranger’s phones rang in supermarkets, she jumped.

‘Morning!’

It was Thom with coffee. He handed her a hot mug and a perfectly rolled cigarette.

Breakfast in bed.

‘You can smoke inside this morning ok, but just this once.’

He was trying to be funny. She remembered last night’s drunken row and sank down lower. She had said bad things. Not only to him, but to Lana as well. She loved Lana,

but sometimes they got heated and everything turned explosive.

Sometimes, unraveling together was just cheap therapy. But sometimes they took it too far.

‘Do you still wish you’d never met me then?’ asked Thom, joking.

‘When did I say that?’

‘Just before you threw your kebab on the floor.’

Oh god. The broken plates and the breaking sounds, the sticky falafel ketchup mess. She never used to sink to that level, but it seemed to make her points more dramatic, her words more searing.

‘God, I’m sorry. That was terrible.

But Thom, that other stuff, that stuff about what happens to us after today...’

‘I know, kid.’ His face dropped like a bowling pin. ‘That stuff, you meant.’

Let’s jump back a few hours. To the night before. Three drunken figures, trudging home, stopped in a park to watch the sunrise.

There were hands in the sky wiping away the star’s fingerprints,

39 PAGE

ripping open the haze to let stray sunbeams shine through. Viv leant back on the grass. It was so hard to keep her eyes open, harder to close them. Lana was on her feet, walking around in circles. Can’t stop, she thought. Won’t stop. If she lay down with them it would be to surrender her limbs. If she lay down there would be no getting up.

Smoke curled from mouths. Hands trembled. Pearly whites chewed gum into oblivion.

Hearts and adrenaline, three faces on a hill. Viv reached down for Thom’s hand. He was warm with steady eyes, and his skin moved with hers. They clung to each other.

No words were left hidden underneath tongues, only the realization that time was a human invention.

And being ever so fatally human, they were running out of it. Quickly.

Violently. In a way that nothing could postpone.

‘The world’s a tiny place, kid. I’ll find you one day,’ he said.

She traced the outline of his palm, memorising the shape of her future bruises. This was the jump. The break. The click of the rollercoaster seatbelt. But familiar arms still engulfed her, and just for now, she thought she might never emerge.

columns

OUT OF LEFTOVER FIELD Max cooper explores the crumbs under the couch

40

art by jack lowe

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Food and I have a close relationship. Not in the sense that I’m especially good at making it, but in the sense that I’m especially good at eating it. And not just the fancy kind (mostly because I can only afford the fancy kind if I’m not paying). I eat like you date after a cliché breakup: almost completely indiscriminately, and in a way that invites only regret. So I’m going to share with you advice on the most important food group: takeaway.

Takeaway itself is too broad and has too many variables.

Instead I’ll advise you on the treacherous terrain of leftover takeout. The good, the bad, the hard to clean off of plates/microwave walls/actual walls. I could do this countdown style, building suspense from worst to best, but: a) it’s a page, you’d just skip ahead; and, b) the winner is obvious, Indian is uncontested ruler of leftover takeaway.

I’m not going to try and convince you of the virtues of Indian as food. But as leftovers, you have all the best elements you could ask for. Curry and rice lend themselves well to reheating; balancing out the tendency for carbs (rice, bread, etc.) to dry out, and the tendency of liquids (sauce, curry, etc.) to turn into infernal pits of fiery hate designed to rob the meal of any joy. Naans help balance the heat of a post-microwave dish and hold up (in terms of taste) cold the next day in a way only pizza could hope to match (NB: if you’ve got no leftover naan, you’re not ordering enough). And that ephemeral non-food quality: Indian is so ubiquitious you can assume a reasonable level of availability and quality from anywhere. I’m a firm believer in this despite hating coriander in my food more than some people who are actively allergic to it.

Soapy hell-weed of a seasoning.

But back to basics: some common threats to quality leftovers.

Reheating

Yes, this great ally in the war against healthy breakfasts the morning after is also one of the greatest threats.

It’s the Hulk of leftovers: awesome to behold, but deadly and full of radiation. The worst things to reheat are pizza, and pastries. A pie might hold up fine, but anything more delicate? Forget about it. It’s lost to you, like most of the details of last night if you’re eating a reheated pie for brekkie. Pizza, alas, turns to rock like a troll. Pastry either flakes away like a vampire in the sun, or goes soggy and gross, like anything in Adelaide summer sun.

Poor Planning

I wish this could go with the p-foods above, but learn from me and your meals may avoid my column’s fate.

Delicious oily stirfry anything? Make sure you’ve got some rice/noodles to help contain it and avoid a solid glob of oil/sauce the next morning. Day old baked goods may be cheap, but leave them out and they’ll be as stale as comedy about airplane peanuts and the different things men and women mean when they use words.

Ravenous Outsiders

Stay cool, sodapop. Think ahead about your leftovers: Hungry housemate/significant other/cult leader/family?

If food is more important to you, play smart: eat the stuff they like first, then they’re less likely to savage what’s left. Got pets? Maybe don’t leave the satay chicken on the bench. Because while someone eating your leftover feast is sad, the only thing sadder is them bringing it up on your bedspread half an hour later (NB: this really only applies to pets, if any of the humans in your life are vomiting on your stuff... maybe reconsider the relationship?)

I hope this Leftovers 101 (of a sort) has helped. If it has, I hope you think of me next time you’re groggily microwaving curry after waking up at noon, or eating cool pizza at three in the morning. I know I will be (thinking of myself that is). I’d sign off by saying this has been the most I’ve thought about leftovers, but I’m not even sure it’s top three.

Max Cooper wanted to eat his body weight in curry after writing this article.

columns

TINDER ISN’T TERRIBLE, IT’S PROBABLY JUST YOU lindy hop doesn’t want you, topless guy

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I have Tinder. I got it during the holidays because a) I am single, b) I was bored and c) I’m going to justify it like 99% of people when asked and say it’s ‘good for a laugh’ and that I ‘don’t take it seriously’. I have no beef with the concept. You mostly “like” people on their looks. If you’re in a bar one night and are checking someone out, the superficiality of this judgement is totally equal to Tinder. It shows you mutual Facebook friends and Likes, however many photos of yourself as you desire and then you can write something about yourself if you choose. Easy. Except straight guys are routinely terrible at creating profiles.

Your profile pictures

Bro, are you flexing, alone, in front of a mirror? Are you shirtless for no apparent reason? Are all six pictures of you mirror selfies? Are you posing with an expensive car that you do not own? Are you surrounded by half a dozen good-looking girls? Is every single picture of you out in town with mates, who all sport nearly-identical haircuts and make it very tiring to figure out which one is you? Are you pretending that some household object is actually your penis? Are you alone again and staring into the camera lens in an intense manner, except the camera quality is kinda grainy and gives the mugshot impression of ‘once upon a time I buried the bodies real deep’? CHECK YO SELF. My standards are not too high. You are the one who is really shit at this.

Your bio

Most dudes don’t bother with writing something. And if they do, it’s done badly. Being funny can be hard, I get it. You know what I don’t care about? You, simply stating that you like ‘summer, beers, mates, gym’ and then a palm tree emoji. Anyone who doesn’t enjoy “brews” or “friends” is a sociopath. You tell me nothing, aside for the fact that I never want to see you. Likewise for stating that you ‘like having fun’. No shit. Everyone likes fun. I hope you drown in all of your fun, you insipid, lazy jagoff.

If you have a single inspirational quote as your bio, delete it. You are insufferable and unimaginative and I loathe you already. Ghandi would be writhing in agony against the halfwits of society like you misquoting him while you upload pictures of your most recent trip to a cheap, tropical tourist hellhole to Facebook.

Anchorman quotes have their own special category, and while I have no issue with the film itself, let me assure you that no girl was ever impressed by your ability to recite Ron Burgundy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a funny movie. But the intense passion you feel for it is a dude thing. Keep it nestled in your heart for your bros.

Also, maybe filter what you write a bit. A superficial dating app with a 250 character limit isn’t the place to lay your soul bare. Perhaps the single most devastating bio I have read was by a guy with a picture of a himself cradling a tiny baby to his chest, the single sentence ‘a single dad doing it tough’ underneath. I’m all for honesty, but nobody wants to suddenly be gut-punched with emotion when idly scrolling through.

Snapchat users who simply quote their username – all this tells me is that you want to send me a cringeworthy picture of your dick that I will drunkenly show to all my girlfriends. Same for Instagram users – so you have a great online life in aesthetically pleasing tints that you work hard to maintain and all your friends secretly despise you for it. I genuinely give zero fucks about your Instagram account and your presumption that I will waste my time typing it into my browser window to stalk you further.

The mutual like

It’s exciting! We’ve both swiped right! And now you’ve sent the entertaining and thought-provoking missive – ‘Hi’. Let’s be honest, you’ve put more thought into dealing with ingrown toenails. It’s lazy. And dull. At least ask me how my day was if you’re incapable of writing something vaguely clever. Earnest is okay.

Honest is okay. I don’t even care if you ask me three messages in ‘would you potentially consider having sex with me at some time in the future?’ (true quote), at least you’re putting it all right out there on the table.

I will not take offence at that; you got your interests, bro, I got mine, at least we’re being honest. Just fuck you and your “hey”.

Tinder – it’s really not that hard to use, I swear. And if you make your profile genuinely interesting, I’ll probably message you first.

Lindy Hop is swift as a coursing river, mysterious as the dark side of the moon and knows almost all the lyrics to the 1998 Disney musical ‘Mulan’.

columns

student co-op bookshop lawrence ben is co-opping it up

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art by Amanda Li

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The image of the impoverished student is a cliché we are all too familiar with. Instant noodles, op-shop clothing and home-dyed hair are just a few of the archetypical signs regularly associated with student poverty. While these day-to-day financial pressures pose a real struggle they can often amount to a caricature that masks another significant issue facing students – expensive textbooks. When you combine the day-to-day costs of living with the fact that the average university student can spend close to $500 on textbooks every semester, you begin to uncover unacceptable barriers to the vital educational resources we need. Without these resources you will often find that you are receiving a second-rate education compared to those who have the required texts at their side throughout the entire duration of a course.

There is no question that there needs to be long-term change in the publishing industry and the University Library in order to break down these barriers. But until this occurs a new volunteer operated project can assist students with these issues.

The Student Co-Op is a permanent second-hand bookshop in Elizabeth House run by a collective of students. Its primary aim is to provide students with a place to buy and sell second-hand textbooks on campus. The Student Co-Op will sell old textbooks, calculators, lab coats, drawing boards and just about anything else you no longer need - providing students with a place to recover the costs of their used resources while providing opportunities for others to purchase compulsory resources at accessible prices.

In addition to textbooks, the Student Co-Op also stocks a ver y broad range of quality yet intriguingly miscellaneous literature. While maintaining

a strong collection of required texts for university courses, the Student Co-Op also aims to foster a strong literary culture on campus by facilitating reading groups, guest speakers and simply offering good books at affordable prices.

Our university is the perfect community to host an interactive bookshop, given the immensely broad array of interests shared by staff and students. Adelaide University was once host to one of our city’s best bookshops until recent times. The Bookshop run by the Student Co-Op in Elizabeth House seeks to fill this void by providing staff and students with a comprehensive collection of quality second-hand books – you will never stumble across a copy of The Da Vinci Code or a Reader’s Digest periodical. Rather, you will uncover a unique treasurer of texts ranging across the disciplines to fulfil every interest.

Since overcoming some initial opposition from the Adelaide University Union, the Student Co-Op is now up and running thanks to the generous support of the University’s Office of Sustainability. The Student Co-Op will be one of the very few, if not the only, second-hand textbook stores you will find in Adelaide.

The Student Co-Op is something truly worth embracing. It is not run for profit or financial gain nor is it a manufactured attempt by a marketing team to instil life into our campus. Rather it will be the perpetually evolving results of a group of students who want to see the sort of things happen on our campus that should be happening on campus.

The Student Co-Op will operate a Second-hand Booksale in Hub Central during Week One before formally opening the doors of its Elizabeth House Bookshop on Tuesday 11 March. The Bookshop will be open on Tuesdays and Thursdays (10am4pm) during semester on Level 4 Elizabeth House, 231 North Terrace. Any support or enquires are welcomed and encouraged.

For further information please contact: studentcoop@auu.org.au According to Peter Goers, Lawrence Ben is the Nelson Mandela of Adelaide.

columns

I can hear a buzzing sharmonie cockayne likes adelaide! art by sharmonie cockayne

43 PAGE

Something is different about Adelaide. Things are changing, growing, evolving. There is a discernable feeling of trepidation, anticipation and a strangely infectious underlying sense of excitement in the city.

Do you feel it? No? Maybe it’s just me. But bear with me anyway.

There is no question that 2014’s Adelaide is a different fish from 2009’s Adelaide. It isn’t just that Adelaide is five years older. Adelaide feels different. It’s the atmosphere, you know?

Or, as Lord Mayor Stephen Yarwood would say it, ‘there’s new energy growing.’

In the last five years, Adelaide has steadily evolved from the off-beige walls of my grandmother’s retirement villa, to the wonky bookcase my 23 year-old Aunt owns in her Ergo apartment. Her bookcase is filled with eclectic pieces from antique markets and her last trip to Vietnam. People are travelling. Sidestreets are bursting. Roofs are being scaled, creative minds are being inspired, and ideas are being had.

The wheels are in motion for Adelaide to become a leading ‘creative industry’, rivalling the likes of New York, Paris and Sydney. In 2011 Adelaide City Council launched its largest research project ever, Picture Adelaide. The initiative spent most of 2011 and 2012 asking the public what they want from their city. The result? Turns out we want a vibrant city character, exciting city life and a safer, more functional transport system (who didn’t see that one coming?). Using our feedback, our trusty council has drawn up and budgeted a Strategic Plan to turn our dreams into a reality.

The council fathered Splash Adelaide, an initiative described as a ‘city activation project’. Have you seen the random salad trucks with herbs and veggies growing out of them around the city? Noticed the vertical gardens growing up the sides of buildings? Enjoyed the

decked out picnic areas off Rundle Mall? Perhaps been to the Adelaide Night Market? Yeah, they’re all Splash Adelaide’s doing. Props to you, Splash Adelaide.

Props to you.

Ever stumbled across a funky looking pop up shop? Do the words Tuxedo Cat, The Reading Room, or West End Pop-Up Market ring a bell? You can thank Renew Adelaide for that. Renew Adelaide is a not-for-profit incorporated association that revitalises under-used and empty buildings. In doing so, Renew Adelaide provides young and emerging entrepreneurs temporary spaces to kick off their careers.

Careers that are documented by the young, up-and-coming media professionals running street level publications.

Contained within these street magazines are the secrets of the city. Their editors explore the streets, meet fellow city dwellers, drink ciders in pop up bars and, in turn, report it back to the world. Adelaide now has so many magazines it doesn’t know what to do with them. We’ve got a magazine for every postcode, street, shopping precinct and sub culture. Heck, we’ve even got student-run magazines (look at you soaking up all this Adelaidean culture right now)! If you ever see a stack of free magazines in a shop front, cafe or distribution box, pick one up! Who knows what secrets you’ll learn.

You hear that? The crank of bike chains, the buzzing of electric cars, the ring of iPhones, the clasp of a handshake, the grind of coffee machines, the swinging doors of a vegan cafe, the slap of paint on brick walls, the cranes on the new Adelaide hospital construction site. That’s the sound of Adelaide evolving. Don’t get left behind.

Sharmonie loves salt and vinegar chips. If you buy Sharmonie salt and vinegar chips, you will be her favourite person..

reviews

books

food

Solo: A James Bond Novel

Zen Kitchen Renaissance Arcade, Adelaide Reviewed by justin wenham

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by william boyd Reviewed by Damiano Fritz Boyd’s Solo is a terrifically captivating blend of thriller, political commentary, carnal pleasure and action-adventure that fulfils every promise its subtitle ‘A James Bond Novel’ makes. Although purists may argue that nobody does it better than Fleming, Boyd remains in spitting distance of the genius he inherited.

I’ve never read a novel with the degree of tension and suspense that Solo masters; I was quite literally compelled to keep reading.

One particular scene with the main antagonist, Kobus Breed, is gruesomely confronting and still leaves me reeling. The novel’s political themes are thought-provoking, as the author explores the (in)justice of colonialism, the right to self-determination, and greed breeding corruption in the form of that familiar trope: oil.

Best of all, Solo offers escapism at its best, which is something we all desperately need… #didijusthaveaholiday?

Whether you fancy yourself as a casual indulger in the world of James Bond, or have a bordering-on-psychotic fascination with all things 007, William Boyd’s foray into the Bond literary canon, Solo, is a stimulating and gripping read.

If you, like me, are sick of the limited selection of on-campus cuisine, head across the road to Zen Kitchen in Renaissance Arcade. The modern Vietnamese restaurant offers everything a student is looking for: large meals, delicious taste and great value for money.

Just last week, I devoured a huge serving of sliced marinated chicken noodle soup for under $10. With rice noodles, hearty chicken and a touch of chilli, the soup was more satisfying than my grandma’s homemade chicken broth. If you’re looking for a refreshing beverage but can’t afford a decent sized Boost Juice, I highly recommend Zen Kitchen’s watermelon and lychee smoothie. Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, try the Vietnamese coffee served over ice. This drink has an underground following and, after trying it for the first time, I can understand why – it’s larger, tastier and quirkier than your typical iced coffee, and only costs $4.

I like to think of Zen Kitchen as the hidden gem of Renaissance Food Court.

Except now its not so hidden because you’ve just read my review. Oh well. Just remember to keep gum handy afterwards, as that hottie you’re trying to pick up in your tutorial or in the Hub won’t appreciate the garlic breath.

reviews

telly

music

45 PAGE

sherlock

Headfirst into the riddle

BBC Reviewed by Katya beketova

by cat dog bird reviewed by alice bitmead

There are so many things wrong with BBC’s rendition of Sherlock, that identifying just one or two things to focus on is difficult.

London being almost entirely populated by white people, homosexuality brought up only for the sake of humour, female characters who exist only to fulfill roles in the male character’s story arc and lack any real agency? It’s bad.

I’ll be the first one to admit that I don’t get particularly keened up for ‘indie folk/rock’ as a musical genre. It goes together with moscato and ‘all natural’ cleaning products in my mind – I can understand why others might feel good about it, but it’s a bit piss-weak for me. Cat Dog Bird’s album Headfirst Into The Riddle, though, got me in with some pretty cool cover art by local graphic designer Stephanie Morison, and came in a holographic silver envelope. I’m a sucker for that shit.

In regards to practically every social issue, Sherlock has always been offensively insensitive, and showrunner Steven Moffat could not care less. Viewers might’ve initially set-aside the show’s issues for the sake of the story and characters - whose snark-filled interactions bought some amusement, if very little else. However, something strange happened when Sherlock’s long-awaited third season aired in January. All those past issues surfaced very rapidly, and it was all so unbearable, so overwhelmingly cringeworthy that the entire show simply became a laughable mockery of itself.

Sherlock has been run face first into the ground. Watching it without laughing uncomfortably at how absurdly disconnected the show is from reality - and from its fans - has become impossible. If you need your dose of modern Sherlock Holmes adaptations, do yourself a favour and go watch Elementary instead.

The collection of eleven tracks is the CD version of that friend you feel guilty raising your voice at. Jen Lush’s vocals are reminiscent of a young Holly Throsby and the gentle musical backing, indie lyrics and resolutely Australian accent make the album feel like something you wouldn’t turn off on those Sundays when you’re too hungover for pants or even putting on Rage. If you like that kind of thing, I’m sure it would go down just fine.

At its core though, this is ambient background music and not something I would ever want to actually put on and just listen to. It seems like an album made to listen to live – I can just imagine the cheap cider and hypotheticals based conversation I could enjoy with Wolf or Hurricane playing in the background. This is an album that got told by its mum to not make waves and rock the boat. It’s not bad, but it’s just not exciting either.

diversions 46 PAGE

which news source should you read?

1. In which city would you most like to live?

a) Anywhere in Australia will do, mate.

b) Adelaide

c) Melbourne

d) London, UK

e) Wherever I can get tenure or research funding 2. Weekends are for…?

a) A bit of light gardening, doing the Sudoku, and cooking dinner from Kylie Kwong’s new book.

b) Footy and the pub with my mates on Saturday, BBQ with the in-laws on Sunday.

c) All day brunch of single origin coffee and fresh croissants, maybe a bike ride to a local gig.

d) Checking out that film/exhibition/play/restaurant the critics were raving about.

e) Reading. Maybe catching up with some friends or seeing a film…if I get this reading done. Oh and

there’s that grant application to finish up…

3. Print media is dead. True or False?

a) True. Online, on the radio, and on the telly is more than enough news for me!

b) True. Printing is an inefficient waste of money.

c) False. There’s just something more, you know, like, real, about a real newspaper

d) Maybe not in the motherland, but for us here in the colonies, thankfully we’ve entered the digital age.

e) True. They’ve done lots of empirical studies on that. I’ll point you to one my colleague wrote.

4. The ABC is…?

a) a source of honest, reliable, robust, Australian content.

b) Run by unAustralian Communists.

c) Good for local Melbourne content, like weather updates.

d) Not actually that left-learning really. But definitely a good, reliable source.

e) An important Australian institution that comprises a fundamental part of our democratic society.

Congratulations! You finished the test! Find your results below: Mostly As: You live and breathe the ABC. You turn to no one but Aunty. I bet you also have stripey blue-and-

white pyjamas.

Mostly Bs: The Advertiser is your port-of-calling. You particularly love the celebrity news, but can’t understand why there are so many advertisements in The Advertiser.

Mostly Cs: You like to pretend you’re Melburnian, and thus people can never find you because you’re at a café you probably haven’t heard of. But when they do, you have a copy of The Age elegantly caressing your lap.

Mostly Ds: You have an insatiable thirst for current events. Thus, your sentences always start with, “Well, I saw in The Guardian yesterday...”

Mostly Es: You’re an academic, aren’t you. You’re sitting here, reading this, with an article from The Conversation open on your phone, aren’t you. Yes. Yes you are.

Faux-diacs with Mystic Marge Aries: In a bid to repair the damage inflicted by starting Game Of Thrones during last semester’s SWOTVAC, you will buy out UniBooks’ entire supply of sticky tabs and highlighter pens. Not only will this have no impact on your GPA, but the lurid colours will cause mild nausea and vertigo.

Libra: You will attempt to gain cultural insight and free air conditioning by visiting the Art Gallery, however a cleverly concealed jam sandwich and some over-buffed floorboards will result in charges of wanton art defacement to be laid against you. It was almost worth it.

Taurus: In the aftermath of New Year’s, you will resolve to join a Zumba class in order to ‘get healthy’. This is a terrible idea, which your subconscious is aware of. Give in to the siren call of the sofa.

Scorpio: After irrepressible feelings of guilt that lying spread-eagled on your kitchen floor is an unproductive way to spend the first week of uni, you will decide to re-read all of your Harry Potters, out of sequence. Daredevil.

Gemini: You will become lost in the bowels of the Hughes building after your quest to locate the Image and Copy Centre goes horribly wrong. You’ll never get that “21st Century: A World In Turmoil” reader, but at least you get to break in those new shoes.

Sagittarius: When your air conditioning stops working, you will be forced to set up camp in the Barr Smith. Unfortunately mi casa tu casa doesn’t apply in public spaces and you will be forcibly removed after being discovered in your underwear watching Japanese fetish porn on the Hub iMacs.

Cancer: Upon finding yourself alone on yet another Friday night, eating your way through a tub of Woolworths Select Cookies N Cream ice cream and reading the back issues of Girlfriend magazine the last tenant left behind, you will find the meaning of life in an unsealed sealed section.

Capricorn: You will find and consume two bottles of sparkling shiraz. After spending much of the first bottle pondering why anyone would create such a travesty of a beverage, you will have made your peace with it by the second and resolve to buy a sodastream and some cask wine in order to recreate it at home.

Leo: After falling asleep reading Eat Pray Love on the beach, you will discover that beauty is literally skin deep when your peeling, violently red exterior causes those around you to scream and vomit.

Virgo: Some bad karma from when you stole the fat kid’s lunch in year five will come around in time to mean that you will be placed in a tutorial discussion group with no less than four different and highly vocal mature-age students.

Aquarius: You will cause a minor traffic collision after attempting to cross the road at speed in a bid to conceal yourself from what looked to be the hottie who declined you on Tinder that time.

Pisces: Your dreams of writing, producing and starring in a recreation of Kate Bush’s iconic “Wuthering Heights” video clip will be met by scorn from your friends and family, but your hopes will be renewed through a surprise victory in a bidding war over the necessary black synthetic wig on eBay. Never give up.

O’week Find-a-Word!

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47 PAGE

gastronomies

eleanor’s kitchen! summer zucchini pasta words and image by Eleanor Ludington

48 PAGE

B

y the time you pick this up to read, summer holidays will be a mere memory. If you’re anything like me, it was a fleeting time of melting, sticky gelati, stark bikini tan lines, days upon days of fattening Christmas leftovers, and the occasional glass of sangria. In my case, it was also a couple of months where I regularly ate dinner at my boyfriend’s house. Evenings at his place were always a treat, not only because he lives a stone’s throw from the beach, but also because his mother, Naomi, is a terrific cook.

She has lived and travelled through many countries, one of which is Italy: comfort-food capital of the world!

Several evenings, after busy days, Naomi made the most delicious pasta dish that seems to be simply called “zucchini pasta”. It’s one of those great meals that’s easy to prepare, fills your belly, tastes amazing, and best of all, doesn’t have a strong zucchini flavour, but still has all the nutrients! When I asked about the dish I learned it was a tried and true Italian recipe passed on by a good Italian friend (tick for authenticity!). So if you’re on the hunt for a yummy, authentic dish to wow a summer fling, or to transiently cure you of Uni Blues, have a go at this one! Buon Appetito! (serves 4)

• 500 g pasta of your choice • 2 tbsp butter • 2 tbsp olive oil • 1 onion, finely sliced • 6-7 zucchinis, very finely sliced • 2 eggs • A generous handful of grated parmesan 1. Cook pasta as per packet instructions (have pasta cooking in the background whilst following the method for the sauce below).

2. Melt the butter and oil in a large saucepan.

3. Add the onions and cook over low heat until very soft and translucent (may be up to 10 minutes).

4. Add the zucchini on moderate heat and stir until slightly coloured.

5. Turn down the heat to low and simmer until the zucchini is softened (around 10 minutes – keep an eye on it!).

6. Whilst zucchini is cooking lightly beat the eggs and stir in the parmesan.

7. Drain the pasta once cooked and then quickly stir in the egg mixture and the zucchini sauce.

8. Serve immediately and enjoy!