On Dit 80.7

ON DIT

80.7

VOL. 80 ISSUE 7

ON DIT

CONTENTS featured contributors

3

letters

4

wild horse

6

president(s)

8

vox pop

10

safe steps

12

a review of ‘winter’

18

moving music

19

monarchism

22

donation discrimination

24

peter panic

26

for/against: gloria jean’s boycott

28

how to: conquer your fears

32

open letter: from a slug monster

37

columns

38

stuff you like

40

creative: darren flemington #3

42

diversions

44

retrospective

46

Editors: Galen Cuthbertson, Seb Tonkin & Emma Jones.

Front cover artwork by Kyra Evanochko.

On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union.

Published 23/7/2012.

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(miscellany)

Anyway, the mosquitos aren’t the only ones out for my blood. Until the 26th of October, the ‘Red Cross SA University Blood Challenge’ is looking for it too.

Here’s the thing: there are three universities in the state, and we’re coming last. Adelaide Uni students have donated, since the beginning of the year, a grand total of 54 units. You know how many UniSA have donated? 148.

I don’t usually like to appeal to inter-varsity rivalries. I love UniSA, but we must beat them. I want to open the On Dit email account on the 27th of October and see a press release entitled ‘Adelaide University Totally Ruins Its Comrades In A Blood Donation Competition, Thereby Reminding Both UniSA And Flinders Who Is Proverbially Boss’. I want to read that press release. So go donate all the blood. As a bonus, the winner gets a free barbeque.

You also save lives. So fuck it. If you can — if you’re not disqualified due to sickness or, as you’ll read controversially on page 24, being a sexually active gay man — go donate.

It’s a new semester, and we’re a new magazine. Well, we’re actually the same magazine we were before.

Certainly, we’re the same editors you had in first semester. But like a hippie who buys a new kaftan, or a punk who re-dyes her mohawk, we feel as though we’ve invented a new ‘look’ for ourselves. We’ve got a new heading font! He’s beautiful. Sensitive, kind,

funny, and a beast in the sack.

If you like what you see, we’ve got a new, über-fun (and obligation-free) mailing list that we built just for you. If you’re interested in joining it, email ondit@ adelaide.edu.au with the subject line ‘subscribe’.

First new subscriber gets a prize. A really cool one. We may even clean it first.

So go forth! Read on, McDuff! And damn’d be him that first cries ‘you know, On Dit, I think I’ll skip the awesome feature article about Safe Steps and campus safety, because despite the fact that it’s an important issue and a well-written piece, I’d rather skip straight to the targedoku.’ Damn’d be him. Seriously.

Love, Galen (and Emma and Seb)

FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS Kyra Evanochko (front cover artwork)

Kyra just stole your computer in the Hub that you left logged on whilst you went to get a can of Mother from the General Store and used all of your printing credit to churn out colour posters of 90’s boy bands.

When she’s not stealing your precious print balance, you’ll see her skipping around campus misidentifying plant species much to the dismay of John Goodfellow. In her third year of Environmental Engineering, she hopes to be a unitard-clad trapeze artist for Cirque du Soleil when she blows this popsicle stand.

Michelle Bagster

Ben Crisp

Michelle is a second-year med student with no delusions about life as a doctor.

She is well equipped to deal with irritable janitors, thank you very much.

Her perfect night consists of making food, eating food and curling up on the couch. She clearly doesn’t know the difference between a bio for a student magazine and a bio for a dating website. Spend enough time with her and she will invariably ask you what kind of superpower you would prefer.

Ben Crisp is a screenwriter and actor whose writing has been featured in dB Magazine and The Advertiser and journals such as Conversations Across Borders and Emergent Australasian Philosophers. As an actor Ben has appeared on screen in SBS’s ‘Danger 5’ and on stage in ‘The Odd Couple’ and ‘Don’s Party’ for the Rep. At the University of Adelaide Ben’s research included creative writing, philosophy and cognitive science, as well as classical history, mathematics and computer science.

(how to conquer your fears, p.

32; open letter, p. 37; column, p. 38)

(darren flemington, p. 42)

The On Dit editors would like to thank the following amigos for their help with Issue 7...

Stella, for distributing two boxes of issue 3. The awkward carrot. Molly, for the period cup. Allen’s Party Mix. Sammy, for the last minute coffee cups, and Scotty for his vampiric bloodlust. Banana Boat SPF 30+ SweatResistant 3-Hour Water-Resistant Non-Greasy Quick-Drying Active Sport Gel.

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CORRESPONDENCE PAGE

4

(miscellany)

Bursting to opine on something that’s in the magazine (or should be)? On Dit accepts your emails at ondit@adelaide.edu.au. Or get all social-media on our facebook page: facebook.com/onditmagazine. Best letter next issue wins a mystery prize!

Dear Editors, I refer to On Dit edition 80.5 and Seb Tonkin’s contribution regarding Liberals on Campus.

I would like to clarify for On Dit readers that Liberals on Campus are not an affiliated club of the AUU Clubs Association, nor does it represent Liberal minded individuals on campus.

The Adelaide University Liberal Club (AULC) is the official affiliated club with the AUU and as such, Ms Thomas does not represent the AULC on Union Board.

Kind regards Chris Duluk, President (Adelaide University Liberal Club)

Dear On Dit editorial team, The Bloke would like to raise issue with the On Dit editorial team, who claimed that On Dit 80.6 was inadvertently focussed on ‘rebellion’. Rebellion the focus may have been; however, the Bloke was disappointed to read that the answers to question 1 for the Vox Pop in that issue (‘What brings you to the hub at 6pm on a Sunday night?’) did not live up to this claim. Ironically, Sherrie (the 6th Vox Pop interviewee) cited ‘drinking’ as being one of the things she’d be doing at the mentioned time and place.

However, she was the only one; all others (including the 5th year mature age astrophysics student – surely one to be knocking about on a Sunday swill) claimed they would be there to study. Disappointing; where is the rebellion in that? Where are the stories of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll that take place in the Hub? Surely someone has had a Sherrie of the beverage or other variety in the Hub on a late weekend evening at some point? Surely?

In fact the Bloke was down on the lower level in the Hub a few hours before sunrise the other weekend with a few of his cobbers listening to the Happy Mondays and hydrating in the presence of a few Sherries of the human variety (however, their names were not Sherrie).

In not untruth not always,

I O R A W E S M N N A E M O S I R W S W M R I N E O A R N O I M A W S E M E A N S W O I R W I S E R O N A M A R W O N I M E S O M N S E R A W I E S I W A M R N O

word: womaniser

TARGEDOKU

19, plus 8 alligators and an unspecified number of guards.

RIDDLE

(see diversions on pg. 44)

ANSWERS

The Sentimental Bloke

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Dear Dave Lamb (and On Dit), This is great news! I am referring to allocated seating for the exam venue. I have always noticed that it takes people too long to decide where to sit; and to find their friends and sit next to them, frankly I can’t see the point of this. Having allocated seating will put an end to this immediately. I am also happy to see that the list is available online: I am looking forward to obtaining my seat number the morning before the exam on the website so I don’t have to be part of the queue, or the rush to find the notice boards. It’s annoying to be part of the crushing surge of panicked people trying to see their number in 9-point-Arial on a massive brick of text. Plus, you know that once they find their own number they won’t simply move along, they will stand there until they find their friends seats too, and then Facebook-post about it. This is why I am using the online version; bullet dodged! Wouldn’t you agree?

Also, I plan to sign up to the SMS alert notifications for exam seating, and I am telling all of my friends about this too. I want to say thank you to whomever came up with this idea; it’s brilliant! From what I understand it seems to work like this: I go to the secure uni website linked off MyUni, punch in my student number, password and phone number and click submit. It then sends a confirmation SMS to my phone, with a 6 letter code. I type that code into the web page and click confirm, and now my phone is linked to my student number. The morning of the exam I get an SMS to my phone telling me my seat allocation for exam xxxxxx at time 99:99, and good luck. I love it!

Thank you for being a part of a team that is nurturing to the student body, and so helpful in my academic career!

Yours sincerely, Jade Thomas

We asked on our Facebook page – allocated exam seating, yay or nup? Here’s what some of you thought: I’ve spoken to a couple of academics - they don’t understand what it achieves either. Seems like the cost and time of doing it outweighs the value of separating cheaters. - Casey Briggs, AUU President.

Why not just scrap exams? They dont prove anything. - Gary Martin, Poor Punctuator.

It’s an inconvenience and I can’t see what it achieves. - Lachlan Creed, Got Eight Likes.

It makes the entire process more complicated, and it’s just another thing I’m likely to get wrong. Johanna Simon.

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY - Blair Williams, Equestrian Enthusiast.

Yay- assured seating- no need to wonder around looking for free seats- harder to under-cater for seatsmakes the process more orderly and me less stressed!

- Eloise Crowshaw.

I do find the whole saga that presumably led to it a little hilarious though. - Sam Young.

- Bryn Lewis, Gifmaster.

(miscellany)

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STATE OF THE UNION

will continue the culture of engaging with students in a meaningful way.

Photo: Chris Arblaster

8

(on-campus)

with CASEY BRIGGS, auu president.

Welcome back to uni for semester two. I hope you all had a chance to relax and recharge in preparation for another semester of study.

This is my first column since the retirement of Professor James McWha as Vice-Chancellor of the University. During his term, Professor McWha was a strong advocate for the interests of students, and understood many of the issues faced by students.

Historically, this has not always been the case with senior managers of the University. As President of the AUU, I interact with the Vice-Chancellor on a fairly regular basis, and I am personally sad to see him leave.

Professor Warren Bebbington has been appointed the new Vice-Chancellor of the University. At the time of writing this column, he had not yet commenced in the position, but I am looking forward to continuing the healthy relationship between the University and its students. I am very hopeful that he

Okay, enough pontificating now, let’s talk about some of the things we’re up to in the next couple of months. Our employment service has a series of accredited training sessions to help you find part time work, running from August to October. Learn how to apply first aid, be a barista, serve alcohol responsibly and more. All of these sessions are being offered to students with a least a 50% discount, and if you’ve got a U-Pass you get a further discount! Visit our website or email auu.employment@adelaide.edu.au for more information.

Second semester is always great for live music on campus. If you’re in a band, then you’re going to want to enter the National Campus Band Competition.

This is one of the biggest events on our calendar every year, and this year the winner of the national final will take away $8,000 worth of prizes and bragging rights as the ‘best-band-containing-university-students-inAustralia’. The Adelaide Uni heats are happening at the UniBar from August 14-17, with the Adelaide final the week after. Then in September, we’re hosting the state and national finals at Fowlers Live!

We haven’t forgotten about solo musicians either.

The Telstra Road to Discovery is a new competition for songwriters, and we’re holding the South Australian heat at the UniBar on Friday September 7. The winner of that contest gets themselves a 12 month mentorship, including a trip to Nashville USA. All the info for both events is at lifeoncampus.org.au/events/.

Finally, ClubsFest is happening in Week 2, on July 31 and August 1 on level 4 of Hub Central. It’s your chance to find out about dozens of clubs that you can get involved in, and will feature demonstrations, music and entertainment.

Casey Briggs President, Adelaide University Union Email: casey.briggs@adelaide.edu.au Twitter: @CaseyBriggs

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STUDENT REPRESENTATIVE COLUMN

who knows, maybe we’ll actually get somewhere.

Photo: Shaylee Leach

Keep an eye out for Bluestocking Week, a week set aside to celebrate the accomplishments of women in academia and encourage their participation. We’ll also be running forums on various education issues including The State of Humanities.

with IDRIS MARTIN, src president.

Welcome back to everyone who took the winter break and congratulations on finishing winter school to those who didn’t.

Second semester is always a tricky one for your student representatives. By this time, we’ve all realised that we haven’t achieved anywhere near the amount we wanted to and elections are coming up just around the corner, signalling the end of our terms.

However, we often forget that the end of our terms is a lot farther away than we think. I, for one, will be camping out in the SRC Hub (upstairs in the Fix Student Lounge) until December 1, when my successor finally gets to kick me out.

Our Queer Officer will be working towards creating a more accepting university campus. Be on the lookout for Pride hoodies and Pride stickers on the doors of academics who identify as queer friendly or queer allies.

If you find yourself wanting to get involved with any of these projects or finding out more about what our other office bearers are getting up to, find us on Facebook (www.facebook.com/adelaidesrc), Like us and get in contact with our office bearers from there!

As I mentioned earlier, the student elections are coming up as well. This is your opportunity to nominate for a position on the SRC, the AUU Board, as a Student Media Director (either On Dit or Student Radio) or even to be a delegate to the National Union of Students National Conference. If you are interested in nominating for a position, get in contact with the Returning Officer! Nominations close on the 10th of August!

Finally, before I sign off, I’d like to take a moment to mention a change many of you probably know about but most of you probably won’t notice immediately.

Professor James McWha, who has been ViceChancellor of the University of Adelaide since 2002, retired and has been replaced by Professor Warren Bebbington. Professor McWha always prioritised the needs of students and advocated for strong student engagement during his time at the University of Adelaide. I hope and am confident the new ViceChancellor will continue this legacy.

Good luck for the semester everyone.

Idris Martin

So, with all that time between now and then, what can we do?

President, Student Representative Council

Well, we can continue to lobby for better student housing support and cheaper public transport and,

Twitter: @IdrisMartin

Email: srcpresident@auu.org.au

(on-campus)

VOX POP

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(on-campus)

Emily, Law/Music, 5th year 1.

2.

Eat a less cheese-heavy diet.

My feet. They do a good job carrying me about.

3. Cheese is good.

4. Losing my ability to read that would be terrible.

5. I’ve been approached by creepy people before – but I don’t feel any less safe on campus than elsewhere.

6. Pretty disgusting. It seems like an artificial distinction these days.

Ben, International Studies, 2nd year

Mohammed, Foundational Studies, 1st year

1.

1.

Quit uni, move to South America, and learn to tango.

2. Ears - you’d fall over without them!

3. It’s not a good night unless someone gets arrested.

4. Settling.

5. Well, I’m 6 foot and 200 pounds - so yeah.

6. I think it’s being overly cautious, and pissing off a portion of the community unnecessarily. They should be smarter.

Study harder, of course - I have to achieve high marks.

2. My right hand. I write with it; if it’s broken, I can’t do anything.

3. Amion - a singer.

4. Living in the city.

5. Yeah.

6. Actually I agree – it’s against a lot of religions. Just my personal belief.

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(on-campus)

In which On Dit asks six uneasy students the following questions...

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

What is your second semester resolution?

What is your favourite body part, and why?

What’s your catchphrase?

What’s your greatest fear?

Do you feel safe around campus after dark?

How do you feel about gay men being barred from blood donation?

Vivien, Media, 3rd year (exchange)

Tom, Law, 3rd year

Scotty, Marine Biology, 2nd year

1.

1.

2.

1.

2.

I always tell myself to study a little harder, but I never do.

2. Eyes – they tell you so much about a person.

3. I don’t have one.

4. Sharks. I’m pretty scared of sharks. They tell you you’ll be okay if you don’t surf – but I want to surf. :( 5. Yes. I think it’s a little ridiculous (but nice) that you can call for someone to take you to your bus stop.

6. It’s not at all okay. It’s not fair.

Stop skipping classes.

Brain. I like my brain. It thinks for me.

3. Due tomorrow; do tomorrow.

4. Being buried alive.

5. I’ve never felt unsafe around campus.

6. Stupid. Especially since we have a blood shortage - if the blood’s safe, use it!

Quit smoking and get healthy.

Teeth. Not toes. Toes are freaky.

3. ‘Shit, son.’

4. Spiders. They’re just creepy.

5. Yes. I’m fine.

6. Doesn’t all the blood get tested anyway? I don’t really mind. God, I wish I was a vampire.

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(on-campus)

SAFE STEPS words: stella crawford

art: alex weiland

Here’s a story: there are two people on a train, speaking oh-so-slightly-too-loud. The man is getting picked up from his station. This is because (he jokes) the people he’s visiting are worried he might get raped.

The woman, in response, relates a genuine personal fear of walking home by herself from her station, particularly having to go into a darkened tunnel. She makes her partner pick her up every night.

Here’s another: I was leaving the university by the back gates one day in early May, and I was offered a whistle and a ‘Safe Steps’ pamphlet.

I didn’t take the bit of paper, because I don’t need to be told again how to avoid being raped. That’s a story I’ve been told enough times.

And you know what? I am often genuinely afraid. I am frequently, intensely aware of my relative safety. As a woman, it’s incredibly difficult not to be aware, especially given how many times we get told ‘how not to get raped’. It’s a story I get told by the backs of toilet doors, from drinking adverts on the TV, from men’s concerned looks when I suggest walking alone. And I get it from women.

All women get those stories from women. All the time.

In our society, rape occurs frequently, and it occurs primarily against women. And so we not only teach women to fear rape, we also teach them The Rules. There are restrictive codes of behaviour that apply to women alone: walk with someone, take open paths, don’t go there after dark. The explicit reason for such rules is always safety. And yet, the consequence of such rules remains the same: instead of the responsibility for an attack lying with the attacker, and on the community as a whole for failing to prevent it, it becomes the victim’s fault for failing to avoid being assaulted.

This is the issue with Safe Steps, the campaign behind the onceyearly handout of whistles and the posters around the university.

Responsibility falls on the victim.

The implications of the campaign simply haven’t been sufficiently addressed by those who organise it.

It presses women to modify their

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(on-campus)

behaviour in order to avoid being assaulted. It involves a subtle shift of responsibility. And, yes, it opens the door for victim blaming.

In other words, Safe Steps is one of those restrictive, targeted codes.

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Safe Steps: beginnings

The University has run Safe (on-campus) Steps each year since 2007, and the campaign aims to increase the safety of students on campus. It was born out of an unsuccessful attack on a student. At the time of the attack, the student was walking on Plane Tree Drive — the thin and historically poorly lit path that winds from Frome Road, through the Botanic Gardens, and over to Hackney Street. In the days following, Security Services, in conjunction with the police, Uni SA, and the Botanic Gardens staff, conducted an audit of the area.

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Out of the attack came significant changes: the trees overhanging the path were cut back, the City Council improved lighting and a camera was installed in the north east corner of the Mawson Building, pointing toward the gardens.

Finally, the University began a once yearly promotion of ‘Safe Steps’ to correspond with the end of daylight savings. The posters detail ‘simple steps to stay safe

when you leave campus’, including Security Office numbers to save into your phone, and suggestions of behavioural changes students should make. These suggestions include not walking alone, being confident, and choosing well-lit paths.

Speaking to Michael Joseph, the security officer responsible for the oversight of the changes, it was very clear that the overriding concern of Security is for the safety of the students. To spell this out: I don’t wish to denigrate the work and the care that they demonstrated, both in their actions and in taking time to discuss the campaign. Within the Security Office, the campaign is considered a success. There have been no major incidents on Plane Tree Drive or around the Uni since the attack in 2007, and other universities interstate and overseas have begun using the same or similar tactics.

And to be clear, the services they provide are good ones.

There’s an escort service and, indeed, a whole shuttle bus that runs frequently and will drop you anywhere within 2.5km of the university. There are free self-defence courses and, of course, assistance available in an emergency. A large part of the Safe Steps campaign is simply

about making these some of these services known to the general population of students.

The security services should, I think, be commended for these services.

As Catherine Story, Women’s Officer of the SRC and a founding member of the SA Feminist Collective put it, ‘it is fundamental to have structural safety measures in place’.

Safety/Responsibility Where it gets more complicated is when the larger cultural issues are considered. And that comes back to the message the University conveys by its actions.

It comes down to this: do you take steps to avoid being raped?

Do you question your physical safety, in the course of an ordinary day? Simply, those are questions that women will answer ‘yes’ to in far greater proportion to men.

And the reason why? As Catherine Story put it: ‘we’ve been told as women, from primary school age, to do all of that’.

The university has a responsibility to protect its students. I spoke to Dave Lamb, General Manager of Student Services, and he put it like this: they are ‘keen to provide a safe

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(on-campus)

Are we, as women, supposed to carry a symbol of the messed-up culture we live in? A symbol of the shift of responsibility onto us? There’s no expectation for victims of theft to carry a personal alarm. environment’ and sure, ‘part of that is for students to be aware of potential services available to help them be safe’. Increasing students’ awareness of danger is a way of doing that. Making ‘safety’ solely the concern of women, however, is simply not a justified response.

As Story explained, ‘The message behind the campaign is “protect yourself; protect yourself from sexual violence”, and it’s never a woman’s responsibility to protect themselves from sexual violence.’

So far, I’ve basically asserted that the program is aimed at women’s behaviour alone. On the face of it, the posters are around the whole of the university, and Student Services Finance Officer, Susan Smith, who organises the roll out of the campaign, argued that any targeting of women in the handout of whistles ‘wasn’t intentional’. So is it simply a general thing?

No. Smith acknowledged that it while ‘it’s about general student’s safety, there is an emphasis on women and we do make sure that [the posters are displayed] predominately in women’s bathrooms’. And intentional or no, on the day of the handout, I was offered a whistle and the man beside me was not. That emphasis makes it clear to women that they are the targeted recipients

of the campaign message. It is a culturally-accepted assumption that it is primarily women’s safety that needs considering.

And sure, rape is an issue that primarily affects women.

The statistics vary widely, but a 2011 National Union of Students (NUS) survey put the figure at 17% or 1 in 6 of the female university students who responded. The important thing to recognise from this is that rapes or sexual assaults are not rare, isolated occurrences. There is also no predictable script for the circumstances of an assault.

As a result, the handout of whistles is problematic for a number of reasons. First, it’s problematic because it assumes that there is a way to protect yourself from sexual assault.

Suddenly, there’s the potential to ‘victim-blame’; unless the person was behaving in an entirely correct way, they could be seen as being responsible for their assault. It’s easy to see how this could lead to women not reporting their attacks, and the reporting rates for sexual assault are already very low.

And secondly, the handout is problematic because, as Catherine Story phrased it, ‘Are you meant to wear something every day that reminds you that you might

get raped?’ Are we, as women, supposed to carry a symbol of the messed-up culture we live in? A symbol of the shift of responsibility onto us? There’s no expectation for victims of theft to carry a personal alarm.

Nobody I spoke to in either Security or in Student Services had considered that specifically suggesting women modify their behaviour to avoid rape might have an adverse affect on women who have been assaulted, or on the independence of women on campus as a whole.

Stranger in an Alley Statistics on sexual assault generally show that a significant proportion of attacks are committed by people known to the victim: intimate partners, friends, acquaintances. Of the respondents of the NUS survey that reported an experience of sexual assault, 56% said their attacker was an acquaintance or friend. 22% said that they knew their attacker intimately.

This isn’t to deny that people aren’t sexually assaulted by strangers, or in outdoor areas. But when the rates of assault by people known to the victim are so high, for the University to continue to address only the danger of outdoor

areas is, in Catherine Story’s words, ‘perpetuating a fear of the dark stranger – the idea that a man in going to jump out of the bushes’.

And that’s dangerous.

While the campaign was born out of one such attack, it’s important to recognise that PAGE ‘Staying Safe’ on campus, for many 16 women, means more than being (on-campus) aware of the dark. Programs are desperately needed to address types of assault or behaviours other than simple stranger-danger, especially before the University can claim to have made us safe.

If they’re not addressed, and addressed publicly, it limits the range of experiences that people feel comfortable calling assault.

Women, or indeed anyone, who have experiences that don’t fit that narrative feel delegitimized.

And yeah, that can lead to lower reporting of sexual assaults.

Certainly, if it’s a question of feeling safe, campaigns like Safe Steps can be seriously detrimental.

They reinforce the fear of rape without addressing the problem at its core; that is, the people who commit the crime. In fact, the portrayal of the attacker as being from ‘outside’ — ‘othering’ them — means that the University is excused from educating the men within the campus.

men, telling them not to rape, rather than women to avoid rape.’ There’s a significant lack of alternatives. At the very least, she argued, ‘if you’re going to tell people to carry rape whistles, you have to tell other people to be aware of the sound of rape whistles.’

Alternatives to the Mainstream

There are many circumstances which people are frequently ill-equipped to deal with: what to do when you see a dangerouslooking argument between a man and a woman, what to do when a friend makes a joke about rape or behaves inappropriately towards women. Education programs or workshops around consent and anti-sexual harassment campaigns could redress the imbalance of responsibility for safety between genders, and even reduce the rates of sexual assault.

The Safe Steps campaign began as a reaction. More than that, though, the whole policy of the University appears to be reactionary. Dave Lamb, speaking about the discussions on student safety held within the university, said: ‘If there are ever any incidents, there are conversations about improvements to services’.

He had, however, ‘never been asked to consider more broad programs’ about on and off-campus safety.

But as Story put it, ‘There aren’t any other strategies targeted at

So yes, as they demonstrated with the initial creation of the program, the University is good at responding quickly to situations.

At the very least, she argued, ‘if you’re going to tell people to carry rape whistles, you have to tell other people to be aware of the sound of rape whistles.’

What they’ve also demonstrated is that both considered, pre-emptive solutions and consultation with students come about only when students press for them.

Steps to a Safer Future (and other terrible phrases) From what I’ve seen, the people behind Safe Steps work hard to ensure the safety of students.

The purpose of this article was never to downplay that. To build a successful, safe community out of a vast and fluctuating population of students takes significant effort, sure. But the focus must remain on the community as a whole. It’s not okay to treat ‘safety’ as something which should primarily be the concern of women.

And so what’s next, going forward? The University must be honest. If it considers Victoria Drive and the surrounding areas to be unsafe, then yes, tell us. It must also address what it has influence over; that is, the behaviours of members of its own community that have the potential to cause harm.

The stories we tell each other, as a culture and as a community, go a long way to determining what behaviour we will tolerate or consider acceptable. The University has a lot of power over the culture of its campus. How about, in future, we hear less of the ‘how not to get raped’ story, and more of ‘this is how we can live together, safely’? ◊

How do you feel about Safe Steps? Have your own experience to share?

Post on facebook.com/ onditmagazine, or email us at ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

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(on-campus)

by gina chadderton.

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(off-campus)

MOVING MUSIC

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words: holly ritson polaroids: ellie parnell

Moving Music is uniquely Adelaide. It’s built around the streets and sounds of our city. It’s about finding space, exploring space, making space and bringing out the best in forgotten spaces.

At first it all seemed a little daunting. I’d just returned from a year abroad, and I decided to throw myself back into life in Adelaide by inviting myself along to whatever was happening on a Saturday night. A friend’s choir was performing, but they wouldn’t tell me where, or when — only to meet at a pub in town and to bring walking shoes, some funds, and a secret to share. A little nervous, but confident in the fact that Adelaide’s unchangeable nature meant I was sure to bump into someone I knew, I followed the sound of excited chatter down an unfamiliar street to find a motley crowd. What followed was: acoustic folk under vines, a march for alternative transport, grief-filled tunes in an arbour as the sun went down, and crazy festival dancing in a fort made of milk crates and the stares of curious onlookers. I was hooked.

It was as though Adelaide had rolled out the red carpet, in the form of a newspaper carpet, poured me a cold pale ale, and sung, in perfect harmony, ‘welcome home!’ Spending an evening following friends and strangers on a mystery tour of Adelaide’s undiscovered sights and sounds was ultimately the best re-introduction to Adelaide I could have wished for.

So what was this eclectic collection of events? Known as Moving Music, the project is the brain child of one safari-suited, documentary making Adelaidean who saw space for something new to grow, some room to move. Stuck in bed with the inevitable cold that follows spending a chilly midautumn night wandering around west-end alleyways on the second Moving Music tour, I got in touch with Sam Wright, producer of Moving Music, to find out more.

people to make the ACC recognize that there is a big demand for the public to claim back this city for themselves,’ the continued support for Moving Music being one way in which people can demonstrate this demand. Furthermore, by alerting the ACC to the public’s desire to see Adelaide grow, we can ensure that innovative programs continue to receive sufficient funding and attention.

The Background

In essence, Moving Music is about space. Finding space, exploring space, making space, moving in new spaces and ‘bringing out the best in forgotten spaces’.

Wright describes Moving Music as ‘a mystery tour across the city which allows our attendees to claim back public or private spaces and make them their own,’ this capturing the perhaps radical nature of Moving Music’s ability to inspire public action. By leading attendees on a journey, where the only clues they are given are in the form of cryptically written rhymes, Wright and his team open the audience’s eyes to a side of Adelaide not often seen, or, just as often, spaces we see every day but never look at closely, or consider how we could use them differently. Architecture and design are a big part of the Moving

Renew it, Splash it, Make it Work, ReBrand it. You’re probably aware of the efforts being made by local council, the State government and lots of motivated people to make Adelaide a city in which people want to live. From the pop-up bars tucked into alleyways last summer, to the food trucks conveniently located between the university and my bus stop to satisfy late afternoon doughnut cravings, Adelaide is changing. This is the context in which Moving Music finds space. Although Moving Music chooses not to seek funding from the many public arts funding programs offered by the Adelaide City Council, Wright acknowledges the important role of the ACC in interacting with a moving city. ‘We encourage

What is Moving Music?

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Music package, with the program working closely with Be., a new Adelaide architecture collective, to re-imagine spaces. Wright is excited by the possibilities for collaboration that projects such as Moving Music allow – ‘I never would have thought that I could run a music event that involves architects and visual artists… this is just where our creative industry wants to go.’

This concept of moving into new ways of understanding what a night out or seeing a concert means or involves is central to the Moving Music experience.

Expecting the unexpected or getting to know the unfamiliar, be it country-Americanasoul1, or a cardboard curtain collapsing to reveal a post-rock harem2, or receiving a mysterious gold envelope containing a handwritten invitation to a ‘Party for Innovation’, is part of the excitement that fills the air as punters gather in otherwise quiet alleys to start a tour.

Not only is Moving Music about the space we occupy, but also who we occupy it with. The importance of community is acknowledged by Wright, who hopes that Moving Music ‘reminds people that we can be good to each other’ and encourages guests to step outside their comfort zone: to talk to a stranger, listen to something different or try out a new dance move. Breaking down and leaving behind social barriers, by creating unfamiliar, impermanent physical barriers out of pallets, screws and rope is the type of innovative thinking that makes Moving Music such a powerful tool for developing more interactive and vibrant communities. Wright 1. Max Savage & The False Idols (above left); see triplejunearthed.com/ maxsavageandthefalseidols 2. Gold Bloom (below left); see goldbloomband.bandcamp.com

sees Moving Music as a way for Adelaideans to branch out of our usual circle of friends and meet new people. This kind of community building is what he argues is necessary for Adelaide to flourish.

or never knew existed, it also gets you feeling things you never thought you could about the city you live in, and the people who live in it.

What makes Moving Music so special?

Thankfully the pages of On Dit don’t allow for any ridiculous hand gestures, but it’s clear that Moving Music has big ideas for moving forward. Wright explains: ‘we plan to host a 600 capacity tour to eight different locations in the city, with eight bands and eight visual artists working in collaboration with each other as well as Be., our artists and myself in January 2013.’ This new format will expand significantly on the two Moving Music events held in 2012, though will hopefully keep much of the intimacy and apparent spontaneity that make Moving Music such a unique experience.

Keep your ears to the ground for line-up information by September.

Amongst the wealth of events, activities, concerts and general goings on we have to choose from for a night out in Adelaide, what is it that makes Moving Music so special, that is, special enough to risk missing another house party or cheap pub crawl drinks on a venture into the unknown. Well, first Moving Music is uniquely Adelaide. It’s built around the streets and sounds of our city.

Wright describes Moving Music as ‘Adelaide based project which serves the purpose of bringing the best out in the forgotten spaces of our city,’ a city which we know and love, and, despite our grumbles about being a ghost town for 11 months of the year, a city that perhaps we’re a little bit proud of. The air of mystery and secrecy that surrounds the Moving Music programme is akin to how Adelaide seems at first glance – it’s only once you dive in that you discover what makes Adelaide a great place to be.

Moving Music is about music that moves you, not only physically as you wander through the streets with friends, but also, clichéd as it may be, emotionally. Sitting in an arbour one might use for wedding photos, as the summer sun sets slowly behind you, lighting up the faces of a ‘choir that sings sad songs’, a gentle breeze rustling the scraps of paper covered in secrets sharing. It’s pretty emotional, all right? And that’s the beauty of moving music. Not only does it get you into places you had forgotten

Where To Next?

So to answer the question, where next, start right here, or around the corner, or over the road. The spaces, people and resources that we need to keep Adelaide moving in the ways we want it to are all around us. It’s a bit like Christmas Eve: we just need to shake that present under the tree hard enough to work out what it is and know that tomorrow will bring even more excitement, whether we know what’s going on underneath that Safari hat or not. ◊

Got ideas for the project?

Get in touch with Sam via email; sam@ahighnote.net.

You can find Moving Music on Facebook, or visit moving-music.tumblr. com. or donate/pre-order at pozible.com/movingmusic.

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UNITY, STABILITY, DEMOCRACY... MONARCHY words: tom major

Why destroy what’s functional and resilient? Tom Major thinks a bit of competition for the republicans in this Jubilee year is warranted. Here’s his response to our Republican article in Issue 6.

At this moment our Queen, Elizabeth, in the sixtieth year of her reign can reflect upon much success. Last year, polls showed republican sentiment at a seventeen-year low. Thanks to public pressure, I was watching the ABC coverage of the Procession after the national broadcaster backed down on their refusal to air the celebrations. One million turned out. When Her Majesty visited Australia tens of thousands filled the streets. Would such numbers gather for the President of Australia? Doubtful. But why not?

the Commonwealth of Nations. So at this moment, despite the malaise of the republican movement, it is necessary to remind the On Dit reader of the outstanding nature of our constitutional monarchy and the reasons for its preservation.

It suddenly hit me – republicanism is boring! In fact, it’s on par with accountants, Stephen Smith and the Barr-Smith Library’s décor for dull. Grey suits, grizzled middle-aged men, bitter, libellous elections and fixed terms? This is exactly what the existence of the monarchy saves us from. Pomp and ceremony aside, the Queen inspires something very different to that of a republican head of state, love. The love her subjects carry for her represents profound respect, a truly uniting force among the citizens who line the streets to greet her. Respect for an individual born into public service, committed to sustaining not only democracy and freedom in the United Kingdom, but throughout

The monarch’s role as a unifying force among the population has long been recognised. The sort of public approval ratings the Queen receives would be the envy of any Prime Minister or political party. Yet she did not seek the position that she holds today.

Subsequent to the abdication of her uncle, she became heir to a great responsibility, in effect a life sentence to serve, often under pressure, and uphold the Westminster tradition in sixteen sovereign states today.

It doesn’t take a great deal of research to recognise the strength of constitutional monarchy. In recent years, the presidents of the Western democratic states Israel and Germany have joined a list of disgraced former heads of state.

Christian Wulff and Moshe Katsav were both inherently corrupt men in different ways, and yet both did much to earn their roles as presidents, as formerly respected politicians. The republican argument: that monarchs do not deserve the right to rule, of course fails to acknowledge the essence

of what monarchy is. Kings and queens do not actively seek their role. It is not a job or a political favour bestowed upon a person.

The Queen is there because she is there; she did not fight her way to the top, and owes nobody favour for her reign.

In 1999, the monarchy was at perhaps its lowest ebb since the abdication of Edward VIII. A decade of divorces and scandals had wracked the Royal Family.

The Queen stood by stoically as Australia voted, fully supportive of our right to choose our own constitutional arrangements, as we have since the Federation referenda of the 1890’s. Australia chose to reject the proposition overwhelmingly. At a time when the monarchy had been attacked here and internationally for their handling of the death of Princess Diana, and under constant accusation of extravagant expenses, Australians comprehensively rejected the concept of a republic.

Yet republicanism continues by the back door. Republicans at all levels of government reacted to the Keating-era republican push by changing the title of Queen’s Counsel and changing the Oath of Allegiance. The Queen’s portrait was removed from public buildings and the Imperial Honours system was

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replaced: the people were never consulted; it was accomplished on a whim of elected republicans.

Paul Keating even refused to fly the Australian national flag on his official car. That’s right, the Prime Minister of our nation at the time, was so enamoured with his republican obsession that he refused to acknowledge our flag, which he wanted changed. That’s the selfishness of the republican movement, and their utter disregard for public opinion and disrespect for our present national emblems. Can it be surprising that the republic failed, and continues to languish in the polls? To its principal elitist adherents, Paul Keating and Malcolm Turnbull, it must come as a shock that the movement attracts minimal interest. Let Parliament decide who is President of Australia? That will work. Parliament in its wisdom has elected some classy figures to leadership positions lately. Anyone for President Peter Slipper? Or let the Australian people elect the President, by changing our constitution to enable a separate executive President. Then we can all enjoy the fireworks of a hostile legislature versus executive battle, American style. The republican movement is still unsure of its final position on the conundrum.

All the while, the monarchy

continues to evolve and adapt to the modern world; reforms will soon be passed to change the male-preference primogeniture laws governing the ascension to the throne. As the famous monarchist and former High Court Justice Michael Kirby observed, this is not an anomaly: the most liberal, tolerant, advanced and securely democratic nations of North West Europe, as well as Canada and Australia, are constitutional monarchies. Republicans tell us our current constitutional arrangements are representative of the 1800’s, and the monarchy is somehow incompatible with our embrace of non-British cultures.

Tell that to those of African, Asian or Pacific Islander descent, in Britain and from the greater Commonwealth, who were part of the one million spectators in the recent Diamond Jubilee celebrations. The very essence of the Commonwealth is its ethnic diversity. Indeed those who cite embracing our Aboriginal heritage as reason for republicanism may also believe that a few words in the Constitution will miraculously improve Aboriginal Australia, but that’s a story for another time.

Count the refugees and displaced persons we have welcomed since World War II, and investigate the (republican!) regimes they were fleeing. Australians, granted

our freedom through royal assent rather than war, celebrate this achievement. Our peaceful traditions and stability, founded on constitutional monarchy, are the very reason migrants revere our country. Australians, weak-willed about our ‘independence’? To the contrary, we have never had reason to be prouder of our independence and its origins.

But I digress; back to the lady of the moment, on my television screen at 11.45 on a Tuesday night in Adelaide. As she walked onto the balcony of Buckingham Palace to greet the crowds, I took time to reflect upon her as an individual and Queen of Australia. Dignified, impartial, loyal without doubt.

For over one hundred years, from Bulletin-era racist radicals to today’s fractured Australian Republican Movement, we’ve been implored to eliminate the monarchy from our constitution.

Yet today, republicans find themselves really no closer to their goal, and I for one don’t envy their chances on current form. God Save the Queen! ◊

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words: ben nielsen photo: jill a. brown

Blood donation is a display of humanitarianism, altruism and good citizenship. It is a public duty in which I can no longer partake, because gay men are barred from doing so.

As soon as I turned 16, I began donating blood. It was a spontaneous decision. The Blood Bus rolled into the rural town I grew up in, and I decided to go along and see what it was all about.

I spent the entire 45-minute experience feeling pretty proud of myself. I was the youngest donor in the queue and I like to think I was repping the socially conscious Gen Ys of the eastern Fleurieu Peninsula. I left feeling equal parts proud and elated; not just because I had received a free lunch, but because, with my donation of blood (which was smaller than a bottle of water), I had potentially saved three lives.

The urgency of Australia’s blood drought had really hit me, and from then on I donated as often as I could. Even now, the Red Cross barely maintain a supply of blood, with 1 in 3 people needing it, but only 1 in 30 people donating.

At the time, I asked my parents why they had never given blood and Dad replied ‘we just haven’t gotten around to it’. I suppose that answer was better than nothing, but it certainly didn’t console me.

Mum seemed a little squeamish about the idea, and I accepted her commonplace phobia of needles; however, as I later explained during a heated debate with a

friend, to me this fear is simply not an excuse. Why not overcome terror to save the lives of many?

As a teenager, I had no money to give and no time to volunteer, so I thought it was logical to donate something that was readily available to me and would constantly and easily replenish itself.

My increasing commitment to the cause led me to become a Red Cross Blood Service Youth Ambassador and I even did a major assignment in Year 12, running a blood drive at my school.

I was soon donating blood so often that not even Edward Cullen would hesitate to take it from me. I was a full-blown blood activist, but suddenly, I could no longer donate.

It wasn’t that I had fallen seriously ill or become iron-deficient. I certainly wasn’t pregnant. I could no longer donate simply because gay men are barred from doing so.

My sexuality had never before inhibited me from an activity.

Now, however, I was experiencing the brunt of discrimination.

Until now I have resigned myself to it being a consequence of my sexuality and simply accepted that I could no longer donate blood.

My friend told me the other day that she had written a letter

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to the Red Cross Blood Service, rebutting the discrimination. She wrote: ‘in high school my best friend was the one who convinced me to start donating blood, as well as convincing many others from school. However, since becoming sexually active with his long term male partner he is no longer eligible to donate blood.’ It took my friend’s heartfelt demand for an explanation to prompt me to consider the issue more.

To donate blood, one must pass a fairly rigorous screening process.

This ranges from basic things like age and weight to more serious health issues, consumption of medication and travel destinations.

Among those who are explicitly barred from donating are people who have injected themselves with drugs; sufferers of HIV or hepatitis; sex workers; and their sexual partners. Contentiously placed in the same league are males who have had sex (even safe sex) with another male.

Gay men are barred from blood donation because they are identified as being at high risk of HIV. There was certainly a time when HIV was seen as an infection associated with homosexuality, but we now acknowledge that it is in fact transmitted by unsafe sex, not gay sex. HIV and STIs are unexpectedly prevalent amongst

African Australians, indigenous Australians and promiscuous heterosexuals, so to categorically confine and exclude just one social group is unfair.

If gay men abstain from sex for a 12-month period, they may be allowed to donate. Besides this being an onerous and unfair expectation, the current antiquated screening allows heterosexual men and women to donate even if they have had unsafe sex with multiple casual partners. Admittedly, all blood donations are tested for infectious transmissible diseases, but why then does the Red Cross continue to turn away an entire section of the community? The screening process is clearly based on the gender of one’s sexual partner, not the safety of the sexual activity. The screen should evolve with advances in technology, epidemiology and education as this will ultimately ensure the greatest pool of safe blood donors.

It’s hard to include every reason why the Red Cross should review their blood donation screening process, but for me it really comes down to two simple things: • For a number of years now, I have been excluded from a task I consider important, that I could easily complete and feel good about. Blood donation is

a display of humanitarianism, altruism and good citizenship.

It is a public duty in which I can no longer partake.

• Barring gay men also continues to encourage the negative stigma associated with homosexuality. It is protocol such as this and the current legislation on marriage that endorses homosexuality as a public threat, branding homosexuals as ‘one homogenous diseased mass’.

People are deferred from blood donation simply to ensure a safe and reliable blood supply.

Male-to-male sex is actually not individually attributed to HIV risk and should not be a reason to bar fit, healthy and willing donors.

If the Red Cross Blood Service instated policies that apply risk assessment equally and without discrimination, who knows, maybe one day I will be able to love who I want and also donate blood. ◊

If you’ve got something to say about the barring of gay men from donating blood, join the conversation at facebook.com/ onditmagazine, or email us: ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

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PETER PANIC The other day, I bought a lightsaber. I’m not even a massive fan of Star Wars, but my boyfriend and I love playing swords – not a euphemism, I promise. But our foam swords broke, and we decided we needed something a bit more hard-wearing. Again, not a sex thing.

I should point out that I’m almost twenty, and my boyfriend is 22. By the time they were our age, my grandparents were having kids, and houses, and jobs, and grownup friends who they could, I don’t know, play golf with on weekends or something. Whatever grownups do. But what are we doing?

Ditching uni to play with swords.

Spending more money on toys than I do on food in a fortnight – unless you count the hamburger pizza that is about fifty percent of my diet.

Of course, this isn’t exactly a unique condition. If I were having any less fun, I’d probably call it an epidemic. A man-child epidemic. Because almost everyone

I know does it – they watch anime (cartoons), they buy ‘action figures’ (toys), and most of them like cosplay (dress-ups).

I’m not trying to be mean here – I’m just as bad as anyone else – but I definitely feel like I am entirely unprepared to grow up and become a productive member of society.

How does that even happen? Do you wake up one day and think to yourself, wow, today I want to be a data entry clerk and work in an office?

Or realise your life-long ambition to work in an airport and become one of those horrible people who glare at luggage? Is there an award ceremony where they give you your Grown-Up Trophy? Where they say to you, ‘here, now you’ll be able to keep a well-stocked fridge and care about what brand of detergent you use to wash your clothes’. Or maybe – and here’s the scary part – maybe you never really grow up, and all the adults you know are just overgrown twenty-somethings walking around in their grown-up

lives being absolutely terrified and having no idea how they ended up with a house, and bills, and a job.

Wow. That went to a dark place pretty quickly. So here’s a different hypothesis. Maybe this is new.

Maybe twenty is the new ten.

Maybe it is an epidemic, and none of us will be owning houses or having kids before we’re forty, and the entire world will slowly start grinding to a halt. But whatever. If the future of humanity is going to start grinding to a halt, I’m going to leave them to it, and go play with lightsabers. ◊

words: ruby niemann artwork: madeleine karutz

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FOR AGAINST

BOYCOTT GLORIA JEAN’S Café franchise Gloria Jean’s has come under fire over the years for their ties to the Australian Christian Lobby and Hillsong Church. But is a recent popular boycott movement causing more harm than good? Two Adelaide students examine the brewing controversy.

art: sam decena

fig. 1: mentions of various issues in ACL media releases and documents

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FOR: Kate Matthews ‘Two lattes please, and hold the homophobia.’

They’re known for their passable, affordable coffee and baked goods, but Gloria Jean’s coffee houses should be more famous for their shameful connections with the antihomosexual movement.

I was drinking a cup of coffee when I read a blog article by The Cross-Eyed Bear,1 stating that the coffee house I’d been drinking at since I was 14 had just donated $30,000 to the Australian Christian Lobby, Australia’s leading anti-gay movement.

Suddenly, the coffee in my mouth took on a bitter quality.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that The Australian Christian Lobby is just a Christian group that happens to be against marriage equality – it’s obvious from this graph showing the ACL’s activities in 2012 that it’s their primary mission (fig. 1).

A major coffee corporation donates $30, 000 to an organisation that considers LGBT issues to be a bigger threat to society than child pornography?

Seems legit.

‘But that’s just one group out of 1. thatsmyphilosophy.wordpress.com

many that Gloria Jean’s supports!’ you may argue. ‘It doesn’t necessarily mean that Gloria Jean’s supports homophobia!’

Excellent point. Let’s look at some of the other groups Gloria Jean’s proudly endorses, shall we?

The Salvation Army has been enjoying Gloria Jean’s funding for some time now. Admittedly the Salvos do some good in the community, but unfortunately their attitude towards homosexuality could do with a little enlightenment. The Salvation Army’s positional statement on homosexuality is as follows: ‘Homosexual practice … is, in the light of Scripture, clearly unacceptable. Such activity is chosen behaviour and is thus a matter of the will. It is therefore able to be directed or restrained in the same way heterosexual urges are controlled. Homosexual practice would render any person ineligible for full membership (soldiership) in the Army.’

Is your chocolate mocha starting to taste a little rancid yet?

‘But that doesn’t mean the founders of Gloria Jean’s are homophobes!’ you might cry.

‘Perhaps they’re not even aware that the Christian groups they’re funding are anti-gay!’

I wish that were true, but when we cut right to it and examine the founders themselves, we do not find misguided people with good intentions who simply made a poor donation choice. What we instead find are Nabi Saleh (former director of the Kenneth Copeland Ministries Eagle Mountain International Church) and Peter Irvine (a former director of the infamous Mercy Ministries).

The Kenneth Copeland Ministries liked to instil hatred for gays by telling followers that Jesus was gang-raped by homosexual Roman soldiers in ‘every way possible’. Here follows what Copeland calls ‘The Resurrection Truth’: ‘Listen to me very carefully.

The Bible’s very careful about the way it says these things. But down there in that dungeon, Romans, ungodly men, ungodly men, put Him (Jesus) to every kind of abuse that you can think of. There is no sin that Jesus didn’t bear. There is no thing, there is no such thing as a sexual abuse on somebody that Jesus doesn’t know firsthand what it’s all about.’

Wow. Somehow, I missed that in Sunday School.

Of course, the greater cause for concern is Gloria Jean’s co-founder Peter Irvine’s status as a former

director of Mercy Ministries.

Mercy Ministries offered ‘treatment’ to young women suffering from depression, mental illness (such as homosexuality), eating disorders, and trauma.

Isn’t that sweet of them?

Provided you ignore the part where PAGE those women were told to sign 30 over their Centrelink payments, (off-campus) and that the ‘professional medical help’ they were promised came in the form of amateur exorcisms performed by Bible college students.

Gloria Jean’s might have been forced to officially sever their connection with Mercy Ministries, but the cat is most certainly out of

AGAINST: Adelaide Law Student If you haven’t already read about the Gloria Jeans boycott then the basics of it are as follows: The Gloria Jeans Pty Ltd franchise-holding group has been donating substantial sums of money (30k or so) to the Australian Christian Lobby, headed up by Jim Wallace, the Joker to Simon Sheikh’s Batman or depending who you ask, GI Joe to Alex Greenwhich’s Cobra Commander.

Wallace has said some things about gay marriage, of which some are utterly ridiculous and others have been grossly misrepresented by activists. The net result is a situation in which there are calls for a large scale boycott of Gloria Jeans.

Here’s the thing. The boycott is a terrible fucking idea. I have no intention of entering the gay marriage/marriage equality debate

the bag on this issue. The founders of Gloria Jean’s openly belong and have belonged to unacceptably homophobic groups and today, Gloria Jean’s funds groups with anti-homosexual policies.

Coincidence? Don’t make me laugh.

So the next time you’re hung over in your tutorial, and you’re dreaming of that wonderful moment when you get to shuffle on down to Rundle Mall and purchase a steaming paper cup of liquid energy, take the extra minute to walk down to Cibo. That’s $3.50 less for the anti-homosexual movement. ◊

nor do I intend to defend or defame Gloria Jean’s, Greenwhich, Wallace, Sheikh or anyone else involved in the national tussle. I’m just going try to explain why, from any perspective, the boycott is totally fucking dumb.

The first point to make is that Gloria Jean’s is a franchise.

This means that each business has an individual owner that pays certain fees to the Gloria Jean’s Corporation for the right to run GJ branded stores, access to ingredients, promotions etc.

The stores are not financially supported by the corporate HQ, nor is the HQ an underwriter or under any obligation to bail out a failing store. Franchises are essentially small business for the non-entrepreneurial type. The concept is that the prospective owner will heavily gear to buy into the franchise with the risk associated with leverage assets for a start-up somewhat assuaged by the reliability of a brand trust and

professional corporate, marketing and strategy types at corporate HQ. Franchises are notoriously expensive and often, in the early years, run at remarkably narrow margins until properly established and principle on finance is substantially reduced. To be utterly clear, we are not talking about a boycott of a multinational.

This is a boycott of a number of small businesses that, in general, live hand-to-mouth, week-toweek. In the US in 2010, more than 60% of franchises made no profit. It’s not a perfect fit (the economy was pretty terrible at the time) but I’m not going to spend six years hunting down Australian GJ financials. Basically, it’s just an illustration of my point. I don’t rely on it overmuch.

Now let’s have a look at the likely effect of the boycott on achieving the stated aims of the activist group, which are: 1.

there is sufficient public awareness of Gloria Jean’s

2.

3.

donation to the Australian Christian Lobby, Gloria Jean’s thoroughly explains the inconsistencies noted above including as why this ‘once off donation’ was paid for in the financial year after the Make It Count event of June 2010 and, Gloria Jean’s explains why it felt a moral and ethical duty to give power to an anti-human rights organisation in the form of money.

As to #1, I suspect that this will be fairly simple to achieve and, to my mind, has probably already succeeded. #2 & #3 are a little more difficult. It is unlikely that GJ corporate will acquiesce to these demands, simply because there doesn’t seem to be a way of satisfying them without creating further negative publicity. If they were to come out and outline the belief set that the activists are suggesting they hold, then surely the boycott would continue or increase in intensity with proven, attributable statements from GJ executives. The group responsible for this boycott might be satisfied, but it is almost a certainty that another group would quickly form. Again, I’m not defending the position or the player, I’m simply pointing out that it would be counterproductive for GJ to comply with the demands; it’s probably better business for them to lose a few franchises and weather the storm.

What about the collateral damage in all of this? That is, the franchise owners, the employees of the franchises etc. Well, the argument seems to be ‘Fuck them, they should have performed due diligence… free market…they’ll put pressure on HQ and it’ll solve things…etc. etc.’ Which is, of course, all bullshit save for the last one, which suffers a different but still fatal flaw. I don’t suggest that this action will have any sort of wide impact on national finances;

it will however have an enormous impact on a relatively small number of people. I will ignore the other arguments and focus on what is at the heart of most of the arguments in favour of the boycott: ‘If we boycott individual franchises, and they are hurting, they will complain and pressure the HQ to stop donations, which will solve the problem’ In the first instance, the HQ does not live or die by volume sales. The franchises do. The HQ collects their cheques unless a branch folds. The only way money will be deprived from the HQ from this action is that prospective franchise owners are likely to be put off investing for the time being or for good. If a branch were to fold, then the headquarters will suffer a loss. As will the employees of the branch, the bank that lent the money to the owner, the owner and the owners family. These people, who had no more say in the GJ HQ’s political donations than GetUp or myself will suffer a direct, severe and undeserved detriment due to the boycott. Perhaps, after a number of franchises have folded, the HQ will listen. It will be too late for those that have already filed for bankruptcy or defaulted on the mortgage taken out for the startup capital.

A more fundamental theoretical problem with the boycott relates to who it seeks to attack, not who it impacts. The sort of directorship that believes the ACL ought to receive 30k (over a more deserving charity) and the sort that are parishioners at Hillsong Church are the sort that will likely put their principles (however objectionable they might seem to some, again I make no comment either way) above profit. They are, at heart, a form of fundamentalist.

The donation was not made for political clout, nor was it made as a grandstanding swingingdick move. It was made entirely altruistically to support deeply

held beliefs. Religious and/or moral conviction is rarely swayed by business concern.

To illustrate I pose a rhetorical question: if an advocate of the boycott was in the position that GJ was in, but under attack and threat of boycott by the ACL for donating to pro-marriage equality groups, would you cease those donations on the basis of the campaign? Or would it affirm and entrench your hatred for the other side? Perspective is a wonderful thing, you see.

So basically, the boycott will: 1.

Seriously & irreversibly impact the jobs and incomes of those with no involvement in the GJ’s donations and no link whatsoever to the material produced by the lobby group.

2. Make sweet fuck all difference to the group producing the objectionable material.

3. Have a slight impact on the intended target, but only a fraction of the impact caused to the franchises and without any real hope of affecting any change in the behaviour of GJ’s corporate HQ. 4. Entrench the position of the target, maybe increasing their determination/donations…

I lose interest at this point, but well, res ipsa and all that… ◊

The debate doesn’t have to end here. Post on facebook. com/onditmagazine, or email us at ondit@ adelaide.edu.au.

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(off-campus)

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(off-campus)

HOW TO

CONQUER YOUR FEARS Fear is a bit of a useless emotion.

I mean, sure, it makes a lot of sense if you’re a caveman, and you’ve got a very good chance of waking up in the middle of the night to someone screaming ‘ohmygod it’s a bear, everyone get in the cave!’ In that kind of situation, it makes sense to have a backflipping heart and to start sweating buckets. You might need to faint to play dead, or run like a mad person so you can hide behind the elderly and the slow.

Fear doesn’t make a lot of sense in 2012, though. People aren’t usually legitimately afraid of bears menacing their homes while they

sleep. They’re usually afraid of something less hairy, like public speaking. Suddenly all those great things fear does become not-sogreat, and your English teacher gives you a D because you were ‘hiding behind old people for the entire speech’.

I’m not pretending I don’t do this too. I haven’t managed to eliminate fear from my life just because I have no use for it. In fact I have a whole host of irrational fears including: • Cows • Disapproval • Boys • Frog sounds

• Auditions • Girls • My sister’s electric toothbrush I just do my best to overcome these; otherwise people would need to walk around me when I collapse on the floor in random places muttering to myself.

Here are some of my favourite techniques for overcoming fear:1 1. I don’t claim to be a psychologist, unless someone nearby shouts ‘quick! Find a psychologist! I need to give them money!’ so these techniques are not guaranteed to prove useful. But by all means give them a go; I’ll know they were a success so long as there aren’t any students collapsed and muttering on the floor.

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(off-campus)

words: michelle bagster art: lillian katsapis

1. Figure out why you are afraid of whatever you’re afraid of.

A Russian psychologist called Pavlov proved that you could get dogs to drool when you ring a bell, because they are used to getting food when the bell rings. People are a bit like that, only instead of drooling, we faint or try to find grandparents to hide behind. Why? Because we realise that bears in the past have meant death, or speeches in the past have meant that fat kid laughing at us. I used to jump out of my skin whenever I heard frogs, because my old frog ringtone used

to signal work ringing me up for an extra, late-notice shift, until they learned I’m really not very good at late-notice shifts. Now I realise what frog noises mean, I manage to keep my skin.

2. Expose yourself to it repeatedly.

I wouldn’t recommend this tactic for a rational fear. A little bit of ‘vicious bear’ every day is not a healthy way to resolve your fear of bears. But if you were to try a little bit of ‘speaking in front of people’ every day, starting with your hamster and slowly working your way up to big groups of irritable

Vikings, it may just help you realise that public speaking isn’t so bad after all. Provided the Vikings can’t reach you. Similarly, by forcing myself regularly to look at images of cows, I have managed to transform my bloodcurdling terror into ordinary revulsion.

3. Avoid it.

Sometimes, even the most intensive efforts to overcome fear can completely fail. In that case, it’s probably better to just give up.

Hey, you gave it a go. Good on you!

If you can’t bear to speak to people, just find a job that doesn’t involve human interaction! Easy! ◊

AN OPEN LETTER FROM: A SLUG MONSTER. PAGE

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(off-campus)

Photo: Nick Turland

To my fellow students at Adelaide University,

I am writing on behalf of a regularly overlooked minority culture within the population of the university, one that is often avoided and treated with unnecessary fear and aversion. I am of course referring to Slug Monsters.

Just because technically we are unable to feel pain due to an absence of sensory fibres in our skin, does not mean it hurts us any less when other students cross to the other side of the street to avoid us. The other day I was browsing the shelves in the reserve section of the library, when a small group of students walked in. They took one look at me and immediately backed out, muttering hurtful things to each other. I am ashamed to say that I did cry a little, but because my tears come from the pores in my skin, I managed to make it look like I was just excreting more mucous than usual. The point of my sharing this embarrassing story is just to highlight that us Slug Monsters do have feelings, and the treatment we receive does upset us.

I have been led to believe, from some of my conversations with the staff and counsellors here at the uni, that part of the reason other students avoid us is because there are a lot of misconceptions about Slug Monsters and what we do. So

I would like to clear some of these up here.

We do not eat people.

Yes, in the not-so-distant past Slug Monsters would live on an entirely human diet, and there is the occasional report in The Advertiser about some teenage Slug Monster losing control and eating the old woman in front of them in a supermarket queue, but this is a very uncommon occurrence, and these days we live on lesser mammals; possums and small dogs mostly.

We are not seeking world domination.

Seriously, who spreads these rumours? Yes, I freely admit that it would be nice to be in control of the planet, and a population of human slaves readily available as food would be convenient, but these are not necessarily good reasons for world domination! We are rather slow-moving, anyway, and not very good with weapons.

Not that we’ve tried.

We are not ‘gross’ Yes, we are moist, but we are not ‘slimy.’ Nor are we necessarily ‘icky’ or ‘dirty’ or ‘yucky.’ These loaded words are thrown at our kind constantly, with no forethought or acknowledgement of the damage they cause.

Because a Slug Monster’s body is mostly water, we secrete a mucous to coat ourselves. Without this we would dehydrate and die. Please consider this before you think of complaining about the thin, almost invisible film I left on the chair you were ‘about to sit on.’ If it offends you so much, sit on another chair!

Just because we have a tubular vessel that contracts rhythmically instead of a fourchambered muscle, and we pump haemolymph and not blood around our bodies, it does not mean we don’t have hearts.

Sincerely, Arion Ater, Slug Monster

Got an open letter you need to send? It could be printed right here on this page. Send your open letter to anyone or anything to us: ondit@adelaide.edu. au. You vent that spleen.

Vent it REAL GOOD.

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(columns)

THIS MUCH SELECTIVE THEFT MICHELLE BAGSTER pieces herself together.

I tend to steal things from people.

I know it’s a bad habit, and I should probably stop.

But a small part of me thinks that if I collect enough things, I will be a better person.

Now, before you think to yourself, ‘this girl is crazy, I’m never inviting her over because she’ll take all my ash trays’ or something, allow me to explain. I don’t steal possessions. I steal qualities. (And besides, I don’t smoke. What the hell am I going to do with your ash trays?)

When I get to know someone who has something special about them that makes them stand out, or just something I admire, I try to work out what that is.

And then I try to work it into my own behaviour. See? Not weird!

I have a friend who would always send me beautiful text messages whenever we caught up. Bam! Now I do it!

Somewhere along the line, I really admired British accents. Bam! Now I have a voice that causes every second person I meet to ask me whether I lived in England, to which I am forced to reply awkwardly, ‘um... nah, mate’.

I know a guy who says ‘bam!’ intermittently for dramatic effect, and….

Well, you get my picture. I figure that everyone is basically an accumulation of all the various parts of their personality – some of them pretty darn good, others of them not so darn good – and they all combine to form a functioning person. What I’m trying to do is take all the very best traits from different people and adopt them as my own, so that one day I can be some kind of super person; vaguely awesome in every fathomable way. A bit like Mary Poppins, I suppose (ooh… maybe I can find myself a quirky umbrella).

In reality, though, while Mary Poppins is very much a whole person, except for the whole being-fictional thing, I’m more of a Frankenstein’s monster. I’ve taken all these bits and pieces that don’t quite fit together.

And of course, the other problem is there are some things that I think are awesome that other people don’t agree with at all. Like that time I met someone who could recite all the Pokémon in order, and I decided to learn how to do that too. At that stage, my parents threatened to disown me. Sadly, to this day I still don’t possess that skill.

So if we happen to be talking one day, and I do something that makes you think ‘hang on, I know someone who does that!’ or even ‘hang on, I do that!’, chances are I do it on purpose. Be flattered! Borrowing other peoples’ good qualities is something I do!

And no, you can’t have that. It’s mine. ◊

PAGE

SEX AND THE UNI MAJOR LOVIN’ Enrol in the hay with ROWAN ROFF. So it just hit me that perhaps, despite all my previous advice, part of the reason why some students are still struggling to get laid is that they are studying a degree that is non-conducive to romance. To combat this, I have decided to compile the following basic guide to assist my fellow students in understanding which courses have the most favourable conditions for lovemaking – and which courses don’t.

Economics/Finance: This is what I study. I won’t lie, it’s Bitty City.

Commerce: There’s some spill-over from the perpetual orgy of Economics, so these guys do all right.

Maths: When x^2-10x+y^2-20y=-125, then x+y15 = how much sex they get… the outlook’s bleak.

(Translation for normal people: zero. They get zero sex.)

Biology: Biology students will never get laid. Ever.

Unless they study Marine Biology…

Marine Biology: …in which case they will never not get laid!

Music: These kids definitely know what they’re doing.

Music – Jazz: These kids DEFINITELY know what they’re doing.

Music – Jazz – Slap Bass: This guy is the Chosen One.

39

Nursing: I know a few girls studying nursing and they all solemnly swear that not even a single lecture has ever turned into a girl-on-girl sexy pillow fight.

Hah, what a bunch of saucy liars! A special mention should also be given to the handful of male nurses that took the initial plunge and are now reaping the rewards. Lucky bastards.

History: It’s like walking through a desert with no water and the only food you have are those plain SAO biscuits.

Agriculture: They might get a decent amount of hot farm loving, but in the end they’ll never find anyone who can measure up to their own hot cousin.

Engineering: Dudes. Everywhere. As far as the eye can see. Not much action happening here unless you count THERMODYNAMICS and MECHATRONICS… which, personally, I don’t.

Animal Science: Depends on your criteria.

English: There’s a lot of opportunity for lovemaking here but the downside is that it’s mainly with English students.

Geology: The single worst course to be enrolled in when trying to pick up. FACT: No geology student has ever fornicated. FACT: Rocks and minerals are the most un-erotic topics of conversation going around.

That’s why you never see porn set in a Geology lab.

Horticulture: An often overlooked goldmine; they’re all hippies! Free love!

Medicine: High risk, high reward. I don’t recommend this degree because of all the work you need to do in order to simply stay in the course, which means no spare time to pick up babes and no cash to spend on babes. But if you stick with it, you just might just land the biggest sauce-weasel of them all.

The above guide should allow my fellow students to alter their second semester enrolment accordingly, and hopefully get lucky! (Note: If you have any problems trying to change your course enrolment just show this article to your student counsellor and they will understand). ◊

(columns)

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STUFF YOU LIKE

40

(miscellany)

200 denier woollen stockings: courtney guy likes this.

Honestly ladies (dudes who wear kilts could benefit too) y’all need these in your life over these cold, rainy days.

I no longer rely on pants to keep me warm. These stockings will make you feel right at home, maybe even like being in the womb. The words ‘invincible’ and ‘toasty warm’ spring to mind. The only time I’ve ever got a rip in some of these bad boys was when I jumped a fence, so if you can fight this urge, you’ll be fine. $15 from your local Coles supermarket.

cats: gemma killen likes these.

How good are cats? The girl in the E-Harmony video had it right. Except for the running - I’m not down with that. I say we just stay in bed and let a cat occasionally lick our kneecaps.

It’s not weird. It’s adorable. Seriously, the entertainment possibilities are endless – cats in boxes, cats upside down, cats hunting spots of light on walls, cats falling off stuff. Cats in little knitted jumpers? Comedic gold!

This review writes itself!

Throw away your television and get a cat!

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(miscellany)

paragraph generator: george t. horseprotector likes this.

Random Paragraph Generator explodes! A sink battles our theatre.

Can the raving bliss coast near me? I behave without Random Paragraph Generator. The white genre racks me outside the oil.

Random Paragraph Generator breaks the planetary passage within a professor. Random Paragraph Generator rattles the profile around the advance. A mayor consents? The success strains underneath me. I glove Random Paragraph Generator.

Insert the awkward carrot. tinyurl.com/onditparagraphs

laziness: bryn lewis likes this.

your submissions: on dit likes this

What’s not to like?

Sharing is caring. If you like something, tell us about it here.

Review anything at all - books, movies, CDs, games, anything – whether it sucked or blew your mind. You’ve got 50-100 words and our email address is this: ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF

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(creative)

by ben crisp.

DARREN

#3: the interview.

It had been Susan who had first suggested the job to Darren; though now they had broken up, and she was married, and he had drawn attention at her wedding with, as she put it, ‘an unforgivably audible bodily function’, he wondered whether he should have removed her name as a referee.

This was the question Darren had been hoping would not be asked. He had no idea what the position entailed. In truth he did not know what the company actually did. He wasn’t even certain he knew what ‘entails’ meant, though he could swear he’d heard it used to mean ‘intestines’.

He knew he should have been thinking about answers to the inevitable questions he would shortly be asked – what his strengths were, what suggestions he had prepared for the company, how his experience as an outbound call-centre receptionist was relevant to... anything, really – but all he could think about was Susan.

‘To me,’ he began, ‘the guts of this position would be... that is to say... I see this as a dynamic, flexible position... comprising teamwork... but also autonomy... and attention to detail. But without losing sight of the bigger picture...’

This was due, in part, to the photograph of her hanging opposite the couch on which Darren now sat.

It was between several other portraits of unsmiling corporate faces beneath a printed sign that read ‘Hall of Fame’, though the room was merely a thinly carpeted reception area. Susan’s face looked stern, severe and judgemental. Darren missed her.

‘We’re ready for you now, Mr Flemington,’ said the woman in charge – either Laura or Lauren, or maybe Lyra. Or Mary. Darren wished he had listened more carefully when she had first introduced herself on the phone, then again at the front desk, and again just a few moments before, when she had offered him a glass of water which he had declined.

His throat was now dry as he entered the conference room, nodding at the selection panel and alternating four times between the three empty chairs before choosing one that squeaked loudly as he sat into it.

‘This is Pietr, and Janyce,’ said Mira, or maybe Lily, as Darren shook hands and tried to smile while his dry lips stuck to his teeth, ‘and we’re going to ask you a few simple questions. To begin, in your own words, what do you feel this position entails?’

He stopped, because he had forgotten to pause for breath, and wrinkled his brow into a strange frown as though he had just said something deeply but unexpectedly profound. The panel of three frowned too, as one, but Darren could not read their reaction.

‘Here at Centrashional Limited,’ said the man whose name Darren had not remembered, ‘a Senior Account Champion’s duties are synergised with the duties of any Communications Operative, only we expect a level of familiarity with HTML and CMeP-’ Darren sniggered, but instantly realised that the panel did not share his mirth at poorly planned acronyms, and so tried to disguise it as a fake choke on spittle which then turned into a real one, culminating in a spray of phlegm just visible enough for all to notice.

‘Sorry... Peter?’ said Darren.

‘Pietr,’ corrected Pietr, as he dabbed his sleeve with a handkerchief. ‘Mr Flemington, we do serious work. We expect a level of professionalism from all of our team winners. We agreed to this interview because of your excellent referees, despite the rest of a resume that was printed in Comic Sans on the back of a print-at-home email voucher for medicated shampoo...’

FLEMINGTON Darren stopped scratching his scalp, pretending to flatten his hair instead, as he cursed himself both for not buying new printer paper and for thinking laziness might pass for recycling. ‘...but we just aren’t sure that you’re Centrashional material,’ finished the woman that wasn’t Mila, or Liza, or whatever, and each member of the panel tilted their head critically in impossible synchronicity.

Finally the anxiety sloshing inside Darren boiled over into a steam of anger.

‘Now listen here, Janice-’ he said.

‘Janyce,’ corrected Janyce.

‘I may not be the most talented, or the most qualified, or the most reliable...’ he continued, counting on his fingers until his brain caught up with his mouth. He stopped, and instead reached for the telephone in the centre of the table, upending a vase filled with polished black pebbles that skittered across the table. Over the noise of their clattering he continued, ‘...but what about my referee?’

He dialled Susan’s number from memory, and the speakerphone buzzed twice as the panel stared openmouthed. There was a click of connection, a hiss, and a man’s voice could be heard as though in the distance.

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(creative)

‘Darren?!’ said Susan.

‘It’s nice to hear from you!’ said Darren.

‘Darren, I’m on my honeymoon! Why the hell are you calling from Centrashional?’

‘I’m here for that job. The one that you always said I should get.’

There was another, longer pause.

‘Darren, I am with Richard now. I have zero interest in you, your career, or anything else remotely connected to you. To be honest, you were the result of a bad combination of mood medications and advice that turned out to form part of my former therapist’s PhD project. Don’t call me again.’

The panel looked from the phone to Darren, whose face had frozen in self-preservation, or simply the sudden lack of instructions from his brain.

‘Thank you for your time Susan,’ said... said...

‘Nora?!’ shrieked Susan. ‘Am I on speakerphone?’

The phone clicked. Nora reached over and pushed a button to stop the dial tone.

‘Nametags,’ said Darren. ‘That would be my first suggestion, if I worked here.’ ◊

‘...boundaries,’ he said, ‘...what could the company possibly...’

‘Hello, this is Susan,’ said Susan suddenly. ‘Is this about the Hong Kong takeover bid? Because I just saw the financial news...’

The hairs on Darren’s neck prickled as they always did when he heard Susan’s gravelly voice, and he smiled involuntarily.

‘Susan?’ he said.

There was an incriminating pause.

Send your poetry, short fiction, or form-defying creativity to ondit@adelaide.edu.au.

Please.

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DIVERSIONS (answers on page 5)

(diversions)

RIDDLE OF THE ESCAPEES In a kingdom was a forest; in the forest was a prison; in the prison was a band of sick (yet blameless) men and women – ‘til a group, with strength and courage, escaping towards a village hid themselves betwixt the trees, a throng of frightened escapees.

One won freedom, beat the rules, let out on three legal loopholes.

Two, to freedom, fled like fools, led out at night under blindfolds.

Three freed the two a sentence prior, shepherding them through the gates.

Four, for insolent taunts, met fire from guards haunted by six escapes.

Five thrived free in the woods already,

and saw Verse Two, and met with the six sick who staggered out, unsteady, but meeting five, were remedied.

Seven severed from that band,

and went to cross a river, where eight gators shared a wandering man, and left like he was never there.

Nine dined and joined with the townward group

‘fore trisecting into three troupes, yet ten men stayed back where they dined

– so how many were left behind?

words: justin mcarthur art: daisy freeburn

CRYSTAL BOLLOCKS with psychic psusan

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Aries: This fortnight, everything you touch turns to gold. This is problematic, as gold is neither lightweight nor edible. Try not to touch anything for a couple of weeks.

posting photographic evidence of your independent jollity on Instagram. Make sure you use the Sutro filter. Its darker tones are good for conveying rage and jealousy.

Taurus: The current planetary alignment causes you to experience an inexplicable bout of ennui. Ride out the fortnight by penning a tumultuous, gin-soaked manifesto and buying a Cartesian wig.

Scorpio: Broken leg? Obamacare! Chlamydia?

Obamacare! Low self-esteem? Obamacare! Weighed down by the absurdity of your own existence?

Obamacare!

Gemini: A strange man walks towards you over the moors, his cloak flapping in the dawn light.

You thought you always wanted this, but it’s mostly terrifying when it’s not Mr. Darcy.

Sagittarius: Autocorrect is out to ruin your social life this fortnight. ‘Sure, let’s meet at 7’ could become ‘I’m going to fucking kill you’. Don’t send mixed messages.

Nobody likes those people.

Cancer: Your half-bird girlfriend will freak out when they serve turkey at the dinner table. Don’t let yourself get into your zone.

Capricorn: Spoil yourself this week with some kind of cheesy food. Pizza is always a good option. Or just deep-fry a cheese. A whole fucking cheese. Calories melt off you this week like Michael Jackson’s face in the sun. (RIP.)

Leo: You wake to find yourself stranded on an island.

It’s all going well until the volleyball starts hitting on you. Is this a dream? If it is, is it a good dream? Bad dream? Wet dream?

Virgo: An unexpected windfall comes when you win $7.00 on an Instant Scratchie. Give it to that creepy child-magician busker in the mall in exchange for good karma.

Libra: Your friends will forget to invite you on an outing. Combat your feelings of rage and jealousy by

Aquarius: You’ll leave your house key on the table by the front door and upon your late-night homecoming will be forced to break into your own laundry window.

Make sure you don’t land on your hands and knees in the kitty litter tray because I can tell you from experience that this is a highly unpleasant sensation.

Pisces: You ingest too much rhythm and now you can’t stop dancing. Ever. The only solution is to drop out of uni and take up a full-time job as Ellen DeGeneres.

TARGEDOKU Find as many words as you can using the letters on the Sudoku grid (including a 9 letter word). Words must be four letters or more and include the highlighted letter. Use the letters to solve the Sudoku (normal sudoku rules apply).

Hint: Boy don’t try to front / I-I know just-just what you are-are-are.

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(diversions)

From Volume 62, Issues 8 and 9, 1994

RETROSPECTIVE These security guidelines were printed in 1994 in response to a number of attacks on students ‘near and around uni’. For On Dit’s take on the current safety steps in place, see Safe Steps on page 12.

On Dit readers love a boycott in support of the LGBT community... or do they? Read our for and against the controversial Gloria Jean’s boycott on page 28.

creative? female? contribute to elle dit! next issue is , on dit’s annual women’s issue. we’re seeking articles, stories, poetry, photography and artwork from all you adelaide uni gals. serious or silly, personal or political, send it through to us! email ondit@adelaide.edu.au by friday july 20.

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