On Dit Edition 82.3

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Interwebs: auu.org.au/ondit. Have a squiz, square-eyes. Editors: Sharmonie Cockayne, Daisy Freeburn and Yasmin Martin. Front cover artwork by Nicky Mellonie. Back cover by Adriana Sturman. Inside back cover by Elizabeth Galanis. On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union. On Dit is produced and printed on the traditional country of the Kuarna people of the Adelaide Plains. We recognise and respect their cultural heritage, beliefs and relationship with the land. Published 1/4/2014





ne of my favourite parts of reading magazines (and especially editorials) is getting to know the editors. Call me crazy, but it’s kind of awesome that we know that Holly, Stella and Casey of On Dit 2013 ate pink cake in the office last year. And it’s not even creepy, because they told us. Yasmin and Daisy wrote the last two editorials, and as all around amazing as they were, I was a little sad that they didn’t include any personal introductions. So I’m going to do it now for them. Daisy studies architecture, but her love of pretty buildings (mostly Gaudí... the girl loves Gaudí) goes way beyond that of the average architecture student. We once met the VC and I think she was more excited to see the inside of the Mitchell building than the fabled man himself. Despite her attempts to eat incredibly healthy, I’ve noticed

that she has a ridiculous love for Tim Tams. Yasmin is an enigma unto herself. At least, that’s what her Twitter told me. If she ever tells you she’ll meet you at 12, she really means 2.30. Just roll with it. You’ll learn to love it, and one day, it might even rub off on you. Her favourite foods include fried rice and SOUR CREAM AND ONION PRINGLES. You best believe this very magazine would not have been created if not for Pringles. Hi, I’m Sharmonie, I love salt and vinegar chips and I work with kids. Over the years, I’ve met and worked with a lot of kids. These many years have taught me that a person’s favourite food says a fair bit about who they are as a person. Chocolate icecream, cheese and pizza are crowd favourites, but if you ever meet a seven year old pistacchio nut lover, you’ve either got a genius

or a trouble maker on your hands. Or both, which is either the greatest thing in the world or the worst. If you’re a keen food eater, or if you, like me, just want to know more about people’s favourite foods, head to page 17 and read Michelle Bagster’s interview with Masterchef winner Callum Hann and business partner Themis Chryssidis. Or, head over to page 44 to read Indian food lover Max Cooper’s review of the newly reinstated Mayo Cafe. I hope you enjoy reading this mag as much as you enjoy eating chocolate. Which, for most people, is generally a lot.

SHARMONIE (AND YASMIN AND DAISY) P.S. As for the cover, we know Ukraine isn’t ‘The Ukraine’ anymore, but puns yo. P.P.S. Look at our editorial photo. We are ghosts!






Thank you to Dickson and co. for distribution. To Prez Sam for hot chips. To Jen, who, instead of sleeping, came to the office with midnight coffees and rad copy editing skills. To the mystery artist who slid their masterpiece under the door: your elephant is hanging proudly on Sharmonie’s wall. Unthanks to the office printer. Your beeping and jamming are driving us to tears.




Dear SRC President, Lucy Small-Pearce, I sat quivering in fear as I read about the ‘worrying future’ you described in the last edition of On Dit (Student Representative Column, 82.2). God forbid we live in a world where students can’t leech money from the Government indefinitely, where funds generously provided by the tax-payers of Australia have to be paid back. Before you dismiss me as one of your ‘wealthier counterparts’, sipping margaritas on a yacht in Byron Bay, I am in fact a student on Youth allowance. Coming from a family of eight with a net income of less than $80,000 a year, support payments have been essential in my university education. Whilst I indeed agree that I would not have been able to afford nearly $1500 worth of textbooks without the Student Start-Up Scholarship, I have absolutely no qualms in paying it back. Why? Because I am grateful. I am grateful for the privilege to attend university for free until I have a large enough income to pay it back, whether that be to the government or to a private institution. I am grateful that I was able to buy text-books with $2050 of someone else’s hard-earned money and I would more than happily give that money back as soon as I can afford to. Students on Youth Allowance might have a higher debt when we graduate and have to pay back the Start-Up Scholarship, but we are also provided with $2050 per year that other students don’t receive. These students paid their debt upfront when purchasing textbooks with their own money. I believe your article raised some key issues relating to cuts to tertiary funding which were imposed by the previous Labor Government, following blow-outs in the 2013 budget. But these were lost amongst the three separate paragraphs in which you complained about the chore of paying back money given to you for nothing. This distracted from your primary argument of the impact of funding cuts on students and meant that you came across as greedy and unappreciative. Furthermore you neglected and arguably criticised those students not on support payments. Those ‘wealthier counterparts’ who have to pay their own way through university, some working 30 hours a week on top of studying just to get by. Meanwhile you’re complaining about being gifted $2050 a year that their taxes would contribute to. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. So while you spend your time running around looking for handouts

and money trees, I’ll get back to studying using the books graciously paid for by the Government and the Australian taxpayers. When I eventually graduate, find employment and become a productive member of society, I will happily pay back my HECS and the money provided to me through the Start-Up Scholarship so that it can help another student have the privileges I have had. Yours, with gratitude to the Australian taxpayers, Simon Dear On Dit, I have been reading your latest issue, and while not being pro-war myself, I have been rather unpleasantly surprised by some of the things listed as facts in the article Universities: An Essential Part of the Military Industry’s Global Assembly Line [Eds: by Gabriel Evangelista], which I think makes some of the claims of the article unsupported. First of all, the article states that the IGNITE program currently run in SA high schools is a ‘dedicated mentoring programs run by Raytheon’. Having graduated from the IGNITE program, I have never heard of Raytheon during my time in high school at all, nor is the program focused on war technology at all. A search on the web shows that while Raytheon did fund Aberfoyle Park High School IGNITE students’ computers, the company was not a part of the official IGNITE program (which is funded completely by DECD) and has not sponsored any other IGNITE high schools in any ways. So the author’s claim that ‘Defence SA and the Rann government...selling out public high schools’ seems unsupported to say the least. Secondly, the article suggests ‘a space camp for year 10s also exists for the same purpose’. By ‘space camp’ I thought the author is referring to South Australian Space School, which appears to be the only one of its kind in SA. I have attended South Australian Space School in 2011. Not only does the program receive its funding from the Sir Ross and Sir Keith Smith Fund (though named after two WWI pilots, it is not exclusively military), it also started in 1997, long before the apparently war-loving Rann government was in place. Space School has even moved from Woomera, SA to




Thirdly, the article states Concept 2 Creation is a program that has ‘sprung up at the hands of Defence SA’. Well guess what? Defence SA is not even on their ‘Our Partners’ list. So I have been a veteran of two of the accused programs, and have proudly not been ‘brainwashed by the time they’re ready for university’. But again, my experience is only anecdotal. I also happen to think maths and science education in primary school is important, even if we don’t like the military. There isn’t a causal effect between the two. So long, Y. H. Eds: Keep an eye out for Lucy and Gabriel’s responses in our next edition.

WE’RE INDUBITABLY SORRY To Twilight Sparkle for calling her Twinkle Starlight in the Vox Pop in Edition 82.2. We, too, know how annoying it is to have such a unique name. To Elliot, whose name is not Elliott. Our illegally harvested organs are indebted to you.

DIVERSIONS ANSWERS No peeking until you’ve had a go at the Diversions on page 46 and 47. Also,it’s in Basque and upside down so it’s harder for you to cheat. Ha! 1. ekialdeko Barr Smith Reading Room aurpegian urratsak. 2. The chute ate zaharra hurrengo Lounge Konpondu. 3. Ex-kokapena Phones du. 4. Braggs eraikina, mendebaldeko fatxada. 5. komuneko George Murray eraikinean cubicle. 6. arrapala ortzadar igogailua ondoan.

Melbourne, VIC for its year 11 camp. (If the author was indeed referring to another lesser known space camp that isn’t even on the web, then I am sorry.)

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HEY THERE, STRANGER. On this page you’ll find all of the events, info, strange things people say sometimes, news, bake sales, pub crawls, tarp-surfing competitions and anything else you could possibly want to know about the University of Adelaide. Did we miss anything? Let us know at ondit@adelaide.edu.au.


What: The Student Co-op When: 10am - 4pm every day this semester Where: Level 4, 230 North Terrace

meetings SRC and AUU Board meetings are open for all students. Join On Dit on the guest bench and watch as the pollies get shit done (or not done). SRC meetings are fortnightly; the next is April 28th. AUU Board meetings are held monthly, but the next one is special. It’ll be at Roseworthy on April 16th. If you want to join On Dit on the guest list, email us for more info!

refugee march Palm Sunday March What: Walk For Justice For Refugees When: 2pm, April 13th Where: The steps of Parliament House Why: To express concerns for the treatment of asylum seekers on Manus Island, as current Australian policies violate human rights and are a breach of the 1951 United Nations Refugee Convention.


“I accidentally bought a Snickers...” ~ FB: Overheard at the University of Adelaide

library fun

Library and Info Discovery Sessions What: Seminar about how to get more out of your Google search When: 1.10pm - 2pm, April 29th What: How to use Library resources to find high quality academic sources for your essays When: 1.10pm - 2pm, April 3rd Where: Ira Raymond Exhibition Room, Level 3 Hub Central


The Adelaide University Media Committee (a media students collective) has a snapchat account. Take advantage of it. @auma2014


Adelaide University Sciences Association Pubcrawl When: 4pm - late, April 11th Where: Starting at UniBar, ending at The Dog and Duck.


unibar gigs Art vs Science - The Create/Destroy Tour Supporting Act: Oisima When: 8.30pm, April 4th Where: Adelaide UniBar Ticket on sale NOW: www.moshtix.com.au/v2/event/ art-vs-science-the/70488 KYLESA (USA) Australian Tour Supporting Act: I Exist. When: 10pm, April 5th Where: Adelaide UniBar Ticket on sale NOW: www.trybooking.com/ECLR For Today Australian Tour 2014 Supporting Act: Prepared Like a Bird When: 10pm, April 11th Where: Adelaide UniBar Ticket on sale NOW: www.moshtix.com.au

free brekky What: Weekly free breakfasts to keep our keen eyed students healthy and happy on campus. When: Every Tuesday (excluding holidays), 8.30am – 10am Where: The Fix Lounge (next to Unibooks) Brought to you by Student Care and the SRC

creative writing


What: The Theatre Guilde are holding auditions for ‘Miss Julie/After Miss Julie’. When: April 5th Info: Director Geoff Brittain is looking for two female actors (approx 25-35) and one male actor (30-40). To book an audition: please contact Melanie at melanie.hibberd@adelaide.edu.au Or: If you want to be a volunteer, contact melanie.hibberd@adelaide.edu.au


SA Challenge (Summer Edition) What: Compete against UniSA and Flinders in beach volleyball, lawn bowls,cricket, ultimate, 3x3 basketball and tennis. When: April 4th and April 11th Where: Various locations around Adelaide Register: Email unigames@theblacks.com.au Southern Uni Games What: Universities from SA, Tasmania and Victoria fight it out to qualify for the Australian University Games. When: July 6th - July 10th Where: Wodonga, Victoria More info: theblacks.com.au

climate meeting

What: Climate Emergency Action Network (CLEAN) monthly meeting When: 2pm, 12th April Where: Adelaide Activist Centre, Level 2 More info: Call Gemma on 0437 714 786

Monash Undergraduate Prize for Creative Writing What: Now in its third year, the Prize is a significant literary award for new and emerging writers. Eligibility: Students enrolled in undergraduate or honours degrees at any Australian university may enter. Judges: Meg Mundell (Black Glass), Felix Nobis (Monash University) and Robert Watkins (Hachette) Word length: 1500–3000 words Closing date for entries: Thursday 17 April 2014 First prize: $4000 More Info: www.emergingwritersfestival.org.au/ monashprize/

TALK TO US. PLEASE. Email: ondit@adelaide.edu.au Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/onditmagazine Twitter: @onditmagazine Instagram: @onditmag Snail Mail: On Dit, c/o Adelaide University Union, Level 4 Union House, University of Adelaide, 5005 In Real Life: Pop into our office on the West side of the Barr Smith Lawns. Yep, you’ll have to walk down those gloomy looking stairs. Sorry.



glorious leaders




responsibilities: ensuring that the organisation doesn’t go bust, keeping secret information secret, making sure they’re following the law and acting in the interests of the key stakeholder. For university unions, that’s you, the students. Basically, this means Board Directors have to get along, regardless of political leanings. And despite what happens during the insane period of election week, elected Board Directors come together afterwards. I think that members of the Adelaide University Union Board this year have come together really well to do this.

For those of you keeping up with what’s happening at the New South Wales Supreme Court (which I am sure is all of you), you would have heard that there has been a court case going on between the University of Sydney Union and Board Director and Vice President of the organisation, Tom Raue. Why was a student union in court with one of its Board Directors? Well, to understand that you have to understand what a board director does. The intricacies of this do not always come across during election week, so I’ll try and explain this to you here. Our Board Directors’ job is to set the overall strategy of the organisation – what new things the Union should be doing, what could be done differently, what to stop doing. This includes things like setting the budget for and reviewing the policies that guide the organisation. The Board holds monthly open meetings where this takes place. Board Directors have to act in the best interests of the organisation at all times; not their faction’s, not the University’s and not their personal interests. Makes sense doesn’t it? It can, however, get very complex. In order to do this, Board Directors have a few very key

So how did all of this lead to the Supreme Court? Last year there were large demonstrations against the Sydney University when staff went on strike. Both staff and students took part, and they were enormous. To counter this, there is evidence that the university collaborated with police, and there were instances of violent clashes between police and protesters, with a number of protesters getting injured in the altercations. Tom Raue was on the University of Sydney Board at the time of these protests, and the Board was presented with this information during an “in-camera” session, which is a closed and secret session. Raue broke the confidence of board by leaking the information to Honi Soit, the student magazine at Sydney. After doing this, the Board planned a vote to remove him for his actions. He subsequently took the Board to the Supreme Court, calling for an injunction to stop the vote from occurring. The Supreme Court did not uphold his injunction, and ordered that he pay the court costs of the defendants, the other Board Directors. Without taking sides on this argument, it just points out how much of a huge impact decisions made by Board Directors can have, and the importance of their job. Should Tom have released the information? Should Sydney University’s union have kept it secret? My answer to both questions is probably not. Just remember when the Board vote comes around, a lot is at stake, so make sure you know what your candidates stand for, and if they have the level of professionalism required to be a Board Director.

glorious leaders




After your first few weeks at University you might begin to realise that university is actually pretty expensive. Your courses have required you to buy expensive textbooks, software, uniforms or course readers. Despite the fact that we already pay large fees for our education, we are required to buy expensive additions to complete the courses we are doing. These additional costs are actually illegal additional costs; however this practice is unfortunately rife throughout the University of Adelaide and throughout the larger sector. What exactly is an illegal course cost? The Higher Education Support Act prevents universities from charging fees on top of HECS or university fees that are compulsory. These illegal costs include a number of things that students on campus are regularly charged for such as textbooks, course readers, software, uniforms and excursion costs. Often textbooks and course readers are referred to as a ‘required resource’ to pass the course and this would mean that the resources need to be accessible for free and students cannot be forced to pay for this. It is often argued that the university does meet this requirement by providing required course materials in the reserve section in the Barr Smith Library however these are only available for 3 hour loans and there is usually only 1 copy, which makes it inaccessible for those that don’t want to be forced to purchase materials. I can’t afford these costs, what do I do? If these costs are beyond your reach but are essential to pass the course, such as textbooks or readers, you can go to the reserve section in the library, however these resources are only available for a 3 hour loan (although, pro tip, if you go 3 hours before closing time you can borrow them overnight, but they have to be back by the opening time the next day). Some resources unfortunately can’t be accessed for free such as compulsory uniforms and vaccination costs, however if you can’t afford this upfront but absolutely need it for your course ,Student Care offers interest free loans of up to $500 unsecured and $2000 secured, which can be paid back slowly.

What can I do to help stop this practice? There are a few things you can do to help us stomp out this practice at Adelaide University. Approach your course coordinator and encourage them to put all the material they can online, or ask them to request more copies of course materials in the library and for longer loan periods. If they can request access to an e-book copy of the textbook that is even better as all students can access that at any time. If they are unable to because of copyright laws, encourage them to look into other ways to run their course or change their material so that they can provide this information for free online. You can also report it to me at srcpresident@auu.org.au or give us a ring on 8313 3895. Let us know the course title, course coordinators name and the resource you are being charged for. We will contact the coordinator and ask them to reconsider the way they are running the course and inform them of the many reasons they should attempt to stop this in their courses. You can also contact your student representatives on faculty board, who can bring it up as an ongoing issue for students at meetings. You can find the list of faculty board representatives here: http://www.adelaide. edu.au/governance/elections/facultyboards/.




Well, I guess South Australia is well hung… (Hold for applause, bow to the audience, raise hands to attempt to quell the crowd’s rapturous approval) Ironically, we now actually have a tiny minority. I am writing this about 3 hours after the MP elect of Frome, Geoff Brock, announced that he had decided to side with Labor’s 23 seats. This is the culmination of a week of chaos that came out of the election. Initial counts had shown that both parties had secured 22 seats a-piece, but additional counting revealed Labor in fact held 23 seats. This left the decision of who was to form government to the two independents, Brock and the member for Fisher, Bob Such. Their decision was thrown into disarray after Bob Such had to take emergency medical leave just days after his election victory. However, Mr. Brock made his decision to avoid a drawn-out transition of the lower house. Mr. Brock’s decision to go with the Labor party was influenced by his confidence in Jay Weatherill as premier. He stated that his agreement was with the premier, and that a change of leadership may cause him to withdraw his support for the party. He will still be an independent and may vote as he sees fit on individual issues. This means that the next term for the state government will be an incredibly hostile one, especially considering that the Legislative Council is predicted to be equally as hung, with both major parties controlling 8 seats a-piece, the Greens and Family First both have 2 and X-Team and Dignity for Disability rounding out the house. State Premier Jay Weatherill and Opposition Leader Steven Marshall both ran very strong campaigns this election, with the results showing that political opinion in SA is firmly divided. Despite Mr. Marshall calling for South Australians to ‘vote Labor’ on the final day of campaigning, his calls for a vote of change have appeared to affect a majority of the population as the Liberal Party came out ahead in the primary vote. This would not be the first time that the Libs have failed to form government after receiving a higher primary vote, as they failed to do so after a similar result in the 2010 election. It would also appear that federal disillusion with the Liberal party did not

greatly affect their results, especially considering the recent Holden closure. Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s first (but certainly not last) attempt at repealing the Carbon Tax was rejected by the senate after Labor and The Greens voted together to keep the climate change measure in place. Greens’ Leader Christine Milne said of the vote, ‘The senate has rejected Tony Abbott’s do-nothing approach on global warming and voted to maintain a price on pollution.’ I can almost guarantee that I will be writing about the next repeal attempt within 6 months. Speaking of repealing taxes, the Mining Tax is up for debate in senate over the next week. Labor instituted the controversial tax in July of 2012, after a vitriolic campaign by mining magnates such as Gina Rinehart resulted in a watered-down version of the legislature passing. The current repeal bill has already passed through the lower house, but a hostile senate environment means that it is likely to suffer the same fate as the Carbon Tax repeal. The missing Malaysian Airlines flight has turned-up… in every aspect of the media, including political reporting. The Australian Government now heads the search, which has (at time of writing) been fruitless. This is a helpful news event for the current Government though, as it distracts from the barrage of recent criticisms it has been under. It also goes to show that Australia can be an excellent global citizen when the time calls for it. Finally, tens of thousands around Australia flooded the streets for the ‘March in March’, a protest over dissatisfaction with the current government. The protests were peaceful and featured some excellent, and some not so excellent, picketing posters. My personal highlight was the sign that said, ‘Where’s the Fucken Plane Tony?’. Ahhhh, relevance. I’ll be seeing you next issue, when we may be following the US into Crimea!

Elliot asks all the questions dads do, makes all the jokes dads do and is shockingly not actually a dad. He is average height for a woman.



Plato once theorised that a Utopian society, his ‘Kallipolis’, would only come into fruition if led by a Philosophical King; a man [woman (again with the 400BC misogyny?)] able to rule with an iron fist and a bourgeoning mind. Conversely, you know who really was not a Philosophical King last Monday night, and subsequently the punch-line to possibly the worst segue in publication history, at the recent Student Representative Council (SRC) meeting? The 2014 President of the National Union of Students (NUS), Deanna Taylor. This is primarily because Taylor attended the meeting in order to (somewhat unfairly) personify the institutional problems that the NUS inherited prior to her ascension. I say unfairly because the meeting seemed to be little more than a venting device, alleviating the seemingly pre-meditated frustration UofA NUS delegates felt at the last NUS National Convention (NatCon). Concerns raised by the SRC involved the financial transparency and heavy factional nature of NUS, all with a heavy dose of scepticism for the efficiency and advantageousness of the organisation. Clearly the onus does not reside directly on Taylor but, if I’ve learnt anything from attending the March in March protests, people sure love to point and laugh at figureheads. The SRC must decide in coming weeks whether or not to renew their affiliation to NUS for another year (and pay the associated affiliation fees), and what terms they will renew on if they choose to do so. The issue was raised at the February 19 Adelaide University Union (AUU) Board meeting, when the Board discussed the overall poor report-backs from UofA delegates at the last NatCon. UofA elects six delegates every year during our student elections to attend NatCon. The purpose of the conference is to elect the office bearers and executive for the union, and vote on policy for the coming year. The delegates’ conference registration fees are paid for by the SRC, which covers accommodation, lunch and dinner, security, wages for the conference organisers, room hire, and other miscellaneous costs, such as an estimated $2000 bar tab. Two of last year’s delegates, Renjie Du (of Progress) and Sarah Ahern (of Labour Students) failed to attend the conference

despite their registration costs already being fronted by the SRC. It costs around $1000 per delegate to attend NatCon. According to many of the delegates that actually attended, NatCon made them feel isolated, segregated to factions and, to put it simply, too political. To provide some context, ex-Prime Minister Julia Gillard was once NUS president back in the 80s, proving that the rough demographic of NUS office bearers are highly ambitious and, to put it lightly, may be more career-oriented than student-oriented. Couple the poor report-backs with the debatable cost-benefits of NatCon, it’s perhaps unsurprising that some SRC members had some serious questions for NUS President Taylor. The SRC communicated a series of recommendations to Taylor that the NUS executive will need to consider before the SRC confirms their renewed affiliation. The recommendations include changes to the way NatCon is conducted (such as regular conferencing hours, and implementation of a secret ballot), as well as changes to the way NUS conducts itself, like sending budget overviews to affiliates for financial transparency. It is this writer’s opinion that, when implemented effectively, a strong national student union can fortify our education rights, especially when you consider the fragility of the university budget. A good example of one collective good that is coming out of NUS is the Hands Off Our Education rally on March 26th. At the time of writing the protest is yet to happen, but from assessing the amount of exposure it has already gotten, I can safely say that NUS has put a lot of effort into protecting our education rights in the face of increasing government pressure. Alas, this meeting ended on a cliff-hanger, and like every good piece of a good drama, raised us more questions than legitimate answers. Will we ever find our Pax Unionica?

William Deacon is a third year international politics student. As a self-proclaimed wanker, you’d think he’d take his role seriously. You’d be wrong.










1. Mistaking another mum as my own.

1. That time I got drunk at my workplace Christmas party and threw up in front of everyone for half an hour straight.

1. I got run over by a bike when I was 9...

2. People’s Political Movement.

3. In the bottom of the ocean.

3. In the sea, not sure where though.

4. Do not understand.

4. Oligarch take down.

5. A succulent in a pretty pot so I can be independent and look cute.


2. Baking Club. 3. On a Pacific Island. 4. Definitely not okay. 5. Gerbera, because they are my favourite flowers. 6. Year 4.


5. Cannabis, so I can expand conciousness. 6. Any age, he is a timeless musical genius.


2. Craft Beer Club!

6. Probably at least 13 or so.


ON DIT POPPED THESE STUDENTS’ VOXES AND ASKED: 1. What memory would you like deleted forever? 2. If you were to start your own club, what would it be? 3. Where do you think MH370 is? 4. Summarise the Ukraine situation in three words. 5. If you were a plant, what plant would you be? 6. What’s a good age to listen to Eminem?




1. Thankfully, I am fairly sure my most embarrassing memories are already erased, so probably a bit tricky to answer that one.

1. That one time I... wait no, it’s too embarrsassing.

1. My year 1 teacher holding up my underwear in class after I left them at a school sleepover. I claimed them and everyone laughed.


2. Reenlivening the Rasputin Society. 3. As much as it is probably just at the bottom of the Malacca Strait, I like to think that it is somewhere deep in Khazakstan, with all alive and well, if a little enslaved in the illegal potassium trade. 4. Crimea river Putin. 5. A Eucalyptus Leucoxylon, because I will live a looong time and can drop things on people at will. 6. The age at which you can just turn your hearing aids off at will.


2. Cake Appreciation Club. You can never not appreciate cake. 3. Aliens. It’s the only logical explanation at this point. 4. Ummm, not sure. (Does that count?) 5. A palm tree. Slender with great hair and they live in paradise! Why would you not? 6. Years 5-8. Don’t know why, it just fits.


2. Wine & Cheese Club. With Catherine Story. 3. Probably Australia. You could totally hide a plane in the desert. 4. Intense, intense shit. 5. Venus Fly Trap. There are a lot of people I’d like to destroy. 6. From conception to death.






e’ve all seen the news these last few weeks and there is no doubt in my mind that most of you found the situation in Ukraine rather disturbing. It started off as an apparent display of people power against a corrupt government, a pretty phenomenal display of democracy. But it quickly turned into an opportunistic grab by a big bully. Or at least this is what the newspapers have been telling you. But let’s backtrack a bit, as this conflict has deep historical roots that the headlines do not mention. An average person may look at this dissension from a modern perspective and think that they understand, but I assure you this is not the case. Let me explain. The whole mess began when the not-so-current president

Viktor Yanukovych decided not to sign an association agreement with the European Union (EU). Joining the EU would have had many benefits for Ukraine, including more trade opportunities and better travel through Europe. Not to mention that it would have sent Russia a message that Ukraine does not need its former overseer. On the other hand, it would have increased gas prices for Ukrainians, since Russia is their main supplier. And, obviously, it would have pissed off the motherland. Now, this is where the divide becomes apparent. Roughly half the people want to join the EU, and the other half do not. It is hard to tell what the actual numbers are but it appears from the nature of the conflict that it’s a pretty even split. From the

perspective of an outsider, the side of the EU lovers seems reasonable and progressive, so there is no real need to explain their position. However, what puzzles most is why so many people would apparently oppose modernity by actively siding with Russia and its outdated government. This is where the above-mentioned history becomes important. Ukraine is a sovereign nation to the west of Russia; it separated from Russia in 1991 when the Soviet Union collapsed. Single life has not been easy for Ukraine from then on, the country having battled economic problems and government corruption ever since. In relatively recent times they have gone through a revolution that was sparked by rigged elections, which was followed by a deep financial crisis.




But before Ukraine was part of Russia, Russia was part of Ukraine. Hundreds of years ago, Slavic tribes, which were the ancestors of modern Russians, settled in the west of the former Russian Empire. More precisely, one of the main places they settled was Kiev. In a sense, the roots of the Great Russian Empire began in Ukraine. Since then, Russia and Ukraine were the same thing, for hundreds of years, through hundreds of conflicts, through good times and bad times… Until it all came crashing down because of politics. Such rich and prosperous history, flushed down the toilet because of a generation of bitter old men. There are many people living in Ukraine who believe Russia and Ukraine are one. After all, the split is relatively recent, only slightly over twenty years ago. Twenty years versus a thousand. It’s a needle in a haystack

as far as history is concerned. And many people see it this way, and thus identify as Russian even if they live in Ukraine. Likewise, Russians living in Russia, see Ukraine as Russian. Some of these feelings are friendly, and some are resentful. Some Russians think that Ukraine has been economically leeching off of them and have not been truly independent. Others do not. I will not stipulate on who is right and who is wrong, I merely want to point out that the relationship is complex. This question of belonging is the main reason for the escalation of the Ukrainian riots. It went from an exercise in democracy to determination of identity. From trying to join the cool kids in the EU, to visiting an old friend. Of course the resolution of this conflict lies with the majorities,

and that depends on the region. Crimea is the region of Ukraine where all the fun is at the moment. More than half of the population of Crimea are ethnic Russians, they identify themselves as Russian, and so it is no surprise that they have called for Russia’s help. The fact that Russia answered is a whole different story. It is one thing to be concerned for people’s safety and to work toward a resolution via peaceful means such as negotiation. It is quite something else to disregard the entire international community and march an army into another country. I would go as far as to say that this is opportunistic behaviour. Russia has two main interests in Crimea – a cultural one and a geographic one. Culturally, Crimea is essentially Russian, so it was not difficult to occupy and claim as their own. Geographically, Crimea is close to Russia, and is cut off from the rest of Ukraine. Crimea also holds a Russian Black Sea Fleet in Sevastopol, which is strategically beneficial for Russia to have on its own territory.




And while all of this is happening, all the international community can do is sit and watch; this is the curse of the observer. We think we know better, we think that our moral position is superior, and this is also why we know that we cannot interfere. We can scream disapproval and impose sanctions but we cannot solve this problem for them.

Apart from the reasons mentioned above, it also appears that occupation of Crimea is a political move by the Russian President Vladimir Putin. Since Russia seems to be an authoritarian regime, despite being labelled as a federal republic and semi-presidential system, it is essential for Putin to be seen by the public as a strong leader and in control. What he is doing in Crimea is “rallying around the flag” – a concept not so foreign to many powerful leaders. Margaret Thatcher was famous for it when she invaded the Falklands, and George W Bush for invading Iraq. Both conflicts gave them a massive, albeit temporary, boost in public approval. This is what rallying around the flag is all about – invading the underdog in order to unite your people for a common cause, and thus boosting your approval rating. Putin cannot back down from his display of military superiority, it is too late. If he was to admit guilt, he would undermine the public support which he has gained, both in Russia and Ukraine. He will take what he wants, whether we like it or not. The question of what he wants, though, is anyone’s guess.

PUTIN CANNOT BACK DOWN FROM HIS DISPLAY OF MILITARY SUPERIORITY, IT IS TOO LATE. We are sitting idly by while thousands of people, including pregnant women, children and the elderly are being tortured and killed in labour camps in North Korea. We have been ignoring the horrors of the Syrian war. We have thrown innocent people who flee prosecution into mandatory detention…

The truth is, when it comes to foreign relations, everything is relative. It’s relative to the culture, geography, politics, vital resources, money. If only it was as simple as bad and good, lawful and unlawful. There are costs on both sides and most international organisations default to inaction in the hopes of the conflict resolving itself and this has set a certain precedent. We watch disputes like these, we base our opinions on very few facts, we get outraged, and then we forget. Russia and Ukraine will resolve their differences, with or without international interference. It is unlikely that there will be a full blown war, but in the world of politics nothing is definite. We cannot know what is in the mind of dictators. What we have to remember is that what we see is only a very limited snapshot, chewed and regurgitated for you by the media. Every conflict, including this one, is complex. It has historical and ideological baggage, which we have to take into consideration before jumping to conclusions about who is right and who is wrong, no matter how obvious it may seem.

Alyona Haines is a former Russian. She is a mum, a politics graduate, and a current law student.



I caught up with one of the guys who did the Masterchef thing. Twice. And then he won. Former Adelaide University student and super-cook Callum Hann hasn’t been sitting on his laurels since coming second in Masterchef 2010, or winning Masterchef All Stars in 2012. In addititon to writing one-and-a-half cookbooks (the second, I’d Eat That comes out later this year), he’s teamed up with fellow former Adelaide Uni student, dietician and personal trainer

Themis Chryssidis and created an Adelaide based business – a cooking school called Sprout. Since both Callum and Themis spent much of their life before Sprout at Adelaide Uni, it seemed only fair that I meet with them for a chat at Hub Central. Just to ensure they had a


emember Masterchef? The good old days where we watched people stress themselves out about cooking to a deadline while we sat on the couch and laughed over a bag of crinkle cut chips? If you don’t have any memories of doing this, you’re far more immune to the hype of reality TV than I am. I’ve been feasting vicariously through overweight men in cravats since 2009.

CALLUM HANN HASN’T BEEN SITTING ON HIS LAURELS SINCE COMING SECOND IN MASTERCHEF 2010. fully immersive experience of what it’s like to be a student again (and not because I was too late to book a proper study room), I interviewed them in one of the crampy study booths in the Hub known for their weirdly oversized tables.

So just how much did uni help the boys begin their foodie careers? Well, for Chryssidis, his degree was pretty relevant – he studied a Bachelor of Psychology and a Masters of Nutrition and Dietetics. Hann, on the other hand, took a turn from the road he had initially laid out for himself – he studied Mechanical Engineering and Sport Science. Though he may not have learned the secret ways of Frekkah Tabouli beneath the golden arches of the Reading Room, Callum said that university has upped his problem solving skills. ‘Engineering is all about problem solving. So whether it’s something like how to make a recipe suitable for someone with a dietary requirement, or whether it’s how to run a business, I think that kind of problem solving skillset I picked up from engineering actually helped.’ ‘What separates students,’ Themis piped in, ‘is work ethic. How they






communicate, time management, professionalism.’ Academics aside, the pair was quick to describe their fondest memories of uni life. Chryssidis spoke of watching his friendship groups change around him, and Hann admitted that all he can remember are ‘stories that involve beer or throwing up milk in those milk drinking competitions.’ For anyone who has ever been to O’Week, this is not surprising. ‘A couple of guys I went to school with won those three years in a row.’ But that is. We all agreed that this was an impressive feat, and that it is the kind of memory that all Adelaide Uni students should have. These days, Hann and Chryssidis have been throwing their efforts into their business: Sprout – an all ages cooking school with a nutritional focus. The idea of Sprout was conceived at a function three years

ago, where the two met for the very first time. Chyssidis, then a bona fide Dietician, complained to Callum, a then stranger, about how his patients struggled to implement his diet plans because they didn’t know how to cook with healthy foods. ‘I remember him talking to me about patients he consulted with, and how when he tried to give them advice about eating they would respond with “That’s all well and good, but I have no idea how to cook.” Themis told me “I wish I could just show them, without having to tell them all the time.” And that’s probably the moment when we thought “maybe we could do something together. Because although we come from opposite directions, food and health, we do sort of meet in the middle.’ That night, Sprout was conceived. With Chryssidis supplying the nutritional know-how and Hann bringing his cooking skills and celebrity factor, and with a fair bit

of good-humoured ‘banter back and forth’, somehow, they say, they met in the middle and began business. The main objective behind Sprout is to tackle what Hann calls the ‘four major barriers’ to people cooking at home. They do this by giving their students the skills they need to make ‘healthy food, food that’s quick to make, easy to make, and doesn’t cost the earth.’ Also to make the cooking process fun. Also, ‘it has to taste good as well,’ Chryssidis chimes in. Obviously. I tend to fancy myself as a bit of a nutritional foodie, so teaching strangers how to make healthy food is a calling that piques my interest. Certainly the whole concept of Sprout is a bit of a departure from Masterchef, where ‘fat is flavour’. And as far as I’ve been told, Masterchef was directly responsible for a huge jump in butter sales after it aired. However,



Hann and Chryssidis assure me that times are changing. ‘People are more and more educated about what they’re eating these days. They want to know what they’re eating and why they should be eating it.’ Speaking of eating, I asked the boys what kind of food they’d be, BuzzFeed style. Chryssidis was conflicted, because he loved the idea of being a fish, but was concerned he would probably want to eat himself when he got hungry. Hann answered almost worryingly fast, declaring that he’d be an oyster because ‘oysters lead a pretty sweet life, they just chill out and filter the water, so it’s the equivalent of me just sitting there with a roaming sushi train buffet of food going past, I could just grab what I want.’ It seems to me they don’t need to be oysters, they’re both living the sweet life. What with fame, fortune (hello, prize money!) and their own

thriving business, they appear to be the masters of the university. So what advice do these young businessmen have for us wee uni students, still sitting pretty in crampy Hub study booths? Themis says to ‘step outside your comfort zone.’ To ‘be prepared to do whatever you can to gain experience and be really open minded.’ Callum says he thinks ‘persuing things you actually enjoy doing’ is really important, ‘because that means you’ll naturally be good at them. For me,’ he says, ‘doing something that I love means that I don’t feel like I’m working.’ Hann’s and Chryssidis’ approaches to their careers are certainly working. Callum has come a long way in the few years since Masterchef, as has Themis since his days as a struggling dietician. It’s impressive what these guys have established for themselves, given

that most of the grand plans I’ve endeavoured upon at parties are rarely so level-headed, ambitious, selfless, or even particularly grand. And what’s more, their cooking classes are universally enjoyable for both their students and themselves, entertaining both parties with their endless banter and youthful sense of humor. They’ve created careers for themselves that make themselves and other people happy. And that, dear readers, is a true demonstration of when the students become the masters.

Michelle Bagster has discovered that if she writes in third person, she doesn’t sound like a narcissist.






one are the days of poorly lit webcam vlogs on YouTube. 2014’s YouTube is about high production value and even higher definition. The YouTube of today is marked by unskippable ads and the swearing that accompanies them (because I don’t want a new fucking car! I just want to watch that goat remix of Whitney Houston for the 57th time. Can you just fuck off please? I’m a busy person and I have an assignment due tomorrow and if I submit it late I’m blaming you). Nowadays we can watch web-series on YouTube with full narrative arcs and paid actors (see My Music or The Lizzie Bennet Diaries). The YouTube of today more closely resembles network television than anyone thought it would… but where does that leave women? The depiction and treatment of women in the media has dominated the gender conversation in recent years. In a post-Sex and The City, current-Lena Dunham world, the discourse surrounding women (or rather, Girls) in the media is growing, and more people are getting involved. People are starting to care and understand. Everyone hates Robin Thicke. Television and film are

asking big questions and forcing us to think about these issues in new and different ways. But how does this debate extend to YouTube?


In 2013, YouTube user (or “YouTuber” Benjamin Cook (of the channel ‘ninebrassmonkeys’) made a vlog-u-mentary called Becoming YouTube. In his 12-part web series, Cook set about dissecting YouTube as a new source of media in order to create, in his words, an ‘anatomy of YouTube’. It’s a novel idea, but YouTube is a global marketplace in a constant state of flux and change. An anatomical dissection of YouTube is a near impossibility. But that didn’t stop Cook, and he made a real dick of himself. In episode seven (Girls On YouTube) of his series, Cook sought to address issues of gender, specifically the disproportionate number of male YouTubers in the Top 100 British YouTubers. After recognising what he called the ‘sad and embarrassing’ gender imbalance on the website, and interviewing a bunch of (mostly male) YouTubers from various video backgrounds, Cook identified that the difference between a lot of men and women YouTubers is that men

are more typically inclined to be funny. He subsequently urged female vloggers to take risks and change the world, but to ‘be funny’ and stray away from making beauty videos (such as makeup and hair tutorials). The idea that women are not as funny as men is not new. In Christopher Hitchens’ infamous Vanity Fair article entitled ‘Why Women Aren’t Funny’ (he followed this piece with the poorly-received ‘Why Men Are Shit At Titles’, but I digress), he claims that women shy away from being funny. According to Hitchens, women are taught from a young age that humour - a sign of wit and intelligence - will intimidate men.Hitchens also asserts that men are more typically inclined to be funny because women have the very serious ability to reproduce:




It gives women an unchallengeable authority. And one of the earliest origins of humour that we know about is its role in the mockery of authority. So you could argue that when men get together to be funny and do not expect women to be there, or in on the joke, they are really playing truant and implicitly conceding who is really the boss. Cook was right in saying that women are and can be funny.




But the legitimacy of his claim is swiftly undercut by his outright rejection of feminity. Rather than support the creation of female content in all of its forms, Cook wants women to adopt a “masculine” style of comedy. This is problematic because you can’t empower women by demanding they act in a masculine way. Of course, we all agree that there is more to a woman than the way she looks and the makeup she wears, but can’t a woman be smart, funny and wear makeup too? Since when were health, beauty and comedy mutually exclusive entities? Have you seen the ‘Bend and Snap’ scene in Legally Blonde, Benjamin Cook? If health and beauty channels on YouTube aren’t funny, than how does one explain YouTube superstars ‘grav3yardgirl’ and ‘sprinkleofglitter’? Demanding that women be ‘funny like men’ doesn’t help to break down the gender gap. Rather, it perpetuates the very core of this gap: the idea that the quality of comedy is reliant on gender.


Cook’s documentary, despite its attempts at nobility, minimises and reduces the incredible achievements of women (particularly funny

women) on YouTube. An example of such achievements is Camp Takota. Camp Takota, written by Mamrie Hart and produced by Hannah Hart and Grace Helbig (stars of the webshows You Deserve a Drink, My Drunk Kitchen and It’s Grace respectively), tells the story of Elise (Grace Helbig), who is on the verge of having it all. She’s engaged to hunky Jeff (Chester See), and is about to have her book published when everything falls apart. She drunkenly calls Sally, the director of her old summer camp, and volunteer as a counsellor for the summer. Upon arrival at Camp Takota, she finds her former best friends Maxine (Mamrie Hart) and Allison (Hannah Hart) have never left. The three estranged friends

band together to save their beloved summer camp, inadvertently embarking on a journey of self-discovery. In short, Camp Takota is a true camp film about three women coming to terms with who they are, whilst preserving the place that got them there. The movie is by no means perfect, but it is funny. Very funny. It’s also a movie where women decide that they don’t want to be what others tell them to be, and become successful on their own. This success works both in the context of the film and in real life: pre-orders of Camp Takota (it’s been released digitally so fans can download or stream it immediately) have been hitting over the $50,000 mark. For a film with no advertising other than that of the


YouTube videos and appearances of its three stars and internet word of mouth, it’s pretty a remarkable reception.


Camp Takota is therefore a comingof-age story for both the characters and YouTube because it marks a period of rapid growth. Camp Takota represents the evolution of the lowly vlogger into a viable and bankable presence within mainstream media. If Camp Takota works, it will encourage more investment in various YouTubers, and provide a greater opportunity for all vloggers to crossover into film and television.


On top of Camp Takota, women on YouTube have been doing some pretty amazing things: • Jenna Marbles is one of (if not the most) popular YouTubers of all time, with almost 13 Million Subscribers to her channel. • The most influential and successful Australian YouTuber (in terms of views) is Natalie Tran, the mastermind of Community Channel. She has received international acclaim and fame (see her series of web videos for Lonely Planet) for her vlogs and skits. • As a big “fuck you” to Cook, beauty gurus Zoella, Michelle Phan and Miss Glamorazzi are some of the most successful vloggers working today with over 10 million subscribers between them. • Tanya Burr is a beauty vlogger who, following her huge success on YouTube, has recently released her own line of lip and nail products (Tanya Burr Lips and Nails) which have been stocked across the United Kingdom (again, FUCK YOU BENJAMIN COOK).

• Both Hannah Hart and Mamrie Hart have inked book deals based on their work on YouTube. • On top of their success with Camp Takota, Hannah, Grace and Mamrie have had two runs of sold out national stand-up tours across the U.S. Looking at this list, you could be forgiven for thinking that women don’t need any help closing the YouTube gender gap. In fact, it’s apparent that, at least with female vloggers, it really is about quality over quantity. While men on YouTube have a larger presence, it is women who are expanding more rapidly within the medium. Women (especially those with a penchant for humour) may not be at the top of the YouTube countdowns, but, as evidenced by Camp Takota, they are the cutting-edge that is shaping YouTube as both an online social network and an entertainment provider.


It sucks that in a time where web-videos are changing the way that we consume media, where everyone (women included) should have greater opportunities to participate in the media, we’re stuck debating a point as tired as ‘are women funny?’ The answer is a resounding yes, and the reasoning behind that answer is Camp Takota and the thousands of women YouTubers making great videos every single day. YouTube shouldn’t be a place for gender politics, not because they’re not important, but because it should be a place for the creation of funny, challenging, entertaining and exciting content, regardless of who makes it. Although, if it’s good content there’s a good chance it was made by a woman.

Anthony was too busy watching YouTube to recognise the irony of being a man writing an article about feminism.

WOMEN TO WATCH If you have some time to kill, or you have an assignment due tomorrow and you want a way out of doing it, here are some YouTube women that you need to be watching: Tyranosauruslexxx - 81,428 subscribers. Hilariously confronting and honest skits about everyday things, as well as important environmental and socio-political issues (including veganism, Russia and the recent Seaworld Controversies) in a funny and accessible way. »» Best Video: Graduation Speech/ Letters from Panem HayleyGHoover - 83,610 subscribers. Similar to Lex, but a bit meaner. »» Best video: Sluts It’s Grace - 1,689,437 subscribers. Grace Helbig’s channel (formerly Daily Grace) where she posts a new and hilarious video every weekday. Each day has a different theme, for example: Sexy Monday (sex advice/ jokes) or Once Over Wednesday (reviews). »» Best Video: What Are You Doing Next With Your Life Mamrie Hart - 475,913 subscribers. Home to the webshow You Deserve a Drink, where Mamrie makes a different cocktail based on the weeks biggest pop culture moments. There is also swearing, puns and discussion of queefing. »» Best Video: Tyler Oakley’s My Ty Thai Mai Tai Lesliefoundhergrail - 8,007 subscribers. Self-deprecating comedic videos that are probably the best creative non-fiction you’ll come across this side of Chelsea Handler. »» Best Video: Ok


featured artist



‘Dissociation’ (watercolour and ink)

artwork Adriana is an Adelaide based artist, poet, soprano and performer. She is currently completing the final semester at the Elder Conservatorium in Bachelor of Music Classical Vocal Performance.


‘I wish the artist’s career could be one of certainty. But, maybe that’s what makes it so exciting at times and makes you really grateful for any achievements. I could have settled for any career path and got myself a “real job”. I stick for what I believe in and it looks like a “fuck you” with a copic drafting pen and the occasional “thank you”. My visual art and my poetry are vehicles for me to understand the negative ideas that constrain me, and the positive ones that inspire me. Also, to expose pain which leads to acceptance and growth. What I cannot express in words I do so visually, and visa versa. Many of my best works have been created in the early hours of the morning when I have a breakthrough in understanding my psyche or when I am enraged by injustice. I am drawn to the page always and I let the ink or paint bleed in place of myself, that way at least others can get something from it, from saying “yes! That is how it feels for me” or “yes this talks to me.” Art is a way of placing your audience into a vulnerable position respectfully. My art is for the people who feel inadequate, for women and men who believe they need to rearrange everything

‘Reconfigure Yourself: Charted’ (graphite and ink)

about themselves to be loved, and for those who feel they just don’t get why they don’t fit in. I was recently reminded of the power of art by listening to a foreign vocal trio Bulgarka singing their ethnic music, I had no idea what it was about, but I felt something from their conviction and energy.’ She regularly posts her poetry, visual works and recordings on her blog The Test Tube Life, which she started in March 2010. As an illustrator for the University of Adelaide magazine On Dit her work ‘Mental Illness’ featured on the cover of Edition 81.11. She looks at ideas of perception, particles, pain, trauma, mental illness, conventions and time. Adriana’s Blog is www.thetesttubelife.blogspot.com Twitter @thetesttubelife for updates of performances and exhibitions. Selections of her works are currently in an exhibition all of April, Naked at The Howling Owl on Frome Road. An exhibition of her works will be open in May at the Student Book Co-op, Level 4 Elizabeth House, North Terrace. She has co-written Bel Canto Bowie, which was recently a sold out show in the Adelaide Fringe. You can like the page on Facebook for updates of more performances.

‘Reconfigure Yourself: Pinned’ (graphite and ink)



‘Self Image’ (watercolour, ink and pencil)

‘Goodbye’ (pencil)





t’s almost impossible to be a university student in this country and not have heard of the Student Services and Amenities Fee, popularly known as the SSAF. For a full-time University of Adelaide student, SSAF is the extra $281 you are charged every year on top of your regular course fees. O’Week is one of the most recent products of your SSAF money. It’s likely that the first time you walked on campus this year was for O’Week - a few days of collecting ID cards, setting up email, joining clubs, watching bands, and maybe even attending introductory lectures (yeah right). If you are a returning student, you may have noticed some changes to the week. There was nothing on the Goodman Lawns, the maths lawns next to The Braggs was open and full of clubs and sports, and the university was doing a whole lot more of its own stuff too. This is a story about what these new events tell us about the ways that your Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF) is being spent by the university, and how the university and the Adelaide University Union (AUU) think

it should be spent (spoiler alert: they don’t agree).

SSAF 101

The SSAF exists because of legislation passed by the former federal government in 2011. It’s a compulsory fee that universities can charge students to help fund student services and amenities. Some of the things that can be funded with the SSAF are: • promoting health and welfare • employment help • production of student media • advocating student interests to the university • providing food and drink • supporting clubs • giving students information to help them in orientation There are other allowable uses for the money, and these are described in the SSAF legislation. In 2014 the fee for full time students is $281. Almost all undergraduate students, as well as some postgraduates, are required to pay the fee either upfront or by deferring it like a HELP debt. The total pool of money expected to be collected this year is $5.3 million.

Every year the SSAF is allocated by the university following consultation with student representatives from the AUU and Adelaide University Sport (AUS).


Orientation was one of the projects allocated funding for 2014. The AUU successfully requested $15,000 to run an expanded version of its program, and the university allocated $75,000 for its own program (including funding for midyear orientation). Ian Thomson is the Manager of Hub Central and Ask Adelaide, and was responsible for the university’s O’Week. He says one of his objectives this year was to encourage domestic students to mix with international students during orientation. ‘One of the things international students comment about is that they don’t get to mix early enough with Australian locals and they don’t know where they can get support,’ Thomson says. Two of the new events that Thomson held this year were a Community Day on 21st February featuring community organisations


There were also three free barbecues held in this period. Thomson estimates that each of these barbecues served over 3,000 people. Another use of the SSAF was on ‘onboarding’, (the time between a student getting an offer to the university and attending their first class). The university used to send all orientation information to students in one package, but it was thought that that was too much so they’ve spread it over three mailings this year. ‘The first step is not to actually go and party – the first step is get yourself enrolled… so although we called the SSAF money for O’Week, it’s really the onboarding process [as well],’ says Thomson.


Much of the university’s new offering centred around social and other non-academic services – traditionally the role of the AUU. Thomson doesn’t believe the organisations are competing, saying that ‘The AUU had the first go, so they invited all the people they invited and provided us with a list… We’d committed not to invite any of them.’ But the student union isn’t so sure. Sam Davis is the President of the AUU, and Dianne Janes is its General Manager. Davis says that the biggest issue for the AUU was the food provision. He says the AUU had booked food vendors that paid to attend O’Week, but this was undermined by the university providing free food to students in large quantities.

While the spending is certainly allowable under the SSAF legislation, Davis is not sure that it is the best use for the money. Of the free barbecues he says, ‘It wasn’t a welfare-focused event, which I think is the spirit of the SSAF funding. Contrast that with the free breakfast put on by Student Care and the SRC, which is very much a welfare-focused event. This was more of a gimmick to attract people to the university’s O’Week offering.’


students could volunteer with, plus an expanded Excursion Day, which saw 14 busloads of students (about 70 per cent of which were international students) visit Victor Harbor.

The AUU also relies on sponsorship to run O’Week. Thomson says that the university did not undermine AUU sponsorship, but Janes disagrees, saying ‘We were still confirming sponsors the week before O’Week. There were a number of sponsors who had approached us and wanted to take part in the event and they didn’t want to have to pay.’ Ultimately some of these sponsors chose to go with the university’s free option rather than paying to be part of the AUU event. On the whole event, Janes says ‘the AUU has been tasked by the university with staging O’Week and has done so for a long time.

It’s one of our deliverables under our funding agreement, and we’ve had no feedback that any alterations, additions, extensions, or massive changes were needed to the program.’ Janes also says that the union was directed not to request significantly more money for 2014 than it had received in 2013, because there wasn’t expected to be more money available: ‘I pruned and skimmed the budget very tightly and made challenging revenue predictions to keep the budget to a similar figure despite cost increases’. Deanna Taylor was the President of the AUU last year, and was involved in negotiating the allocation of money for 2014 on the SSAF committee. She says that she raised objections with the O’Week proposal. ‘The committee was provided no budget breakdown prior to the meeting [and] it was very unclear why such a large amount of money was required,’ she says. ‘More importantly, I was concerned that the proposal was likely to undermine the AUU’s O’Week, which it puts together with far less than $75,000. The implication in the proposal was that the AUU’s O’Week offering was not adequate, and that the university was applying for funding to fill a “void” that I believed didn’t exist.’


All up, the pool of funding for SSAF is split fairly evenly between the university, the AUU, and AUS. Some of the projects being funded




are for building works on the three major student campuses - a student space in Backstage Cafe, plus student hubs at Waite and Roseworthy. The SSAF is even funding the installation of a sink for students at Roseworthy Campus. Those projects total over $700,000. Taylor says that ‘the spirit of SSAF legislation is to ensure that services for students on campus are funded adequately and that students have a great campus experience. I think overall the funded proposals are all in keeping with this spirit. There were many excellent proposals from all three submissions.’

existing services or pay for things they ought to be providing as a matter of course… There is a trend towards this across Australian universities, and the way the SSAF is designed allows that to occur.’

But some of the proposals did concern student representatives. Taylor singles out extra funding for Disability Support Officers ‘not because I didn’t agree it was critical that the Disability Service was adequately resourced, but because I didn’t believe it was appropriate for the funding to be coming from SSAF… the University has a legislative requirement to provide support to students who have a disability or ongoing medical condition.’

From the student union, expect a bigger proposal. Janes says that the AUU’s proposal for 2015 ‘will include expansion of clubs services and grants, and bigger and better campus culture events and social activities, including some online stuff. We also want to fit out the Fix [Student Lounge in George Murray Building] and Clubs spaces with much better furniture and usable equipment.’

‘The response at the meeting was essentially, “we know it’s not ideal, but the money will have to come from somewhere, which could mean cuts to funding in another area of university services”.’ In fact, Taylor suspects that the SSAF is being used as a way of plugging holes in the university budget. ‘I think that increasingly the university is using the SSAF to subsidise their


We don’t yet know what projects the university will be seeking funding from SSAF for this year, but if past projects are anything to go by, expect some funding to go into student hubs and other building projects, and funding to flow to the counselling service and international student centre.

Considering how divisive the issue of the SSAF has been across the country, it is interesting to see how the university has decided to spend this money. Should the money be going to services that we can reasonably expect the university to offer anyway, or should we be focussing on enhancing them and creating new services and amenities? I would’ve thought the latter.

YOUR SSAF AT WORK Here are some of the other things your SSAF is being spent on at the University of Adelaide. By the university: • International student activities ($10,000) • Subsidised student accommodation scheme ($155,000) • Additional counselling staff ($94,258) • New student space in Backstage Cafe ($300,000) • Student hubs at Waite and Roseworthy ($400,000 in 2014) • Installation of a sink in Tappo’s Kitchen at Roseworthy ($5,000) • Language and Cultural Exchange Program ($40,000) By Adelaide University Sport: • Graduate Clubrooms project ($1,000,000 in 2014 - final instalment of $3m project) • Clubrooms at West Beach ($125,000) • Coaching staff ($80,000) • Unigames team subsidy ($20,000) By the Adelaide University Union: • Breakfast Club, free weekly breakfast ($20,500) • Clubs grants ($20,000) • Job training programs ($36,250) • International student events ($18,600) • Health promotion program ($21,000) Find the complete breakdown at www.adelaide.edu.au/student/ finance/ssaf/

Casey Briggs doesn’t know how to respond to emojis.




poilers – important details about a story, TV show, movie or the like – will provoke reactions ranging from disappointment to occasional ambivalence, and sometimes outright anger. At the extreme end, some people will even claim that spoilers completely ruin a story, and there’s a case to be made there. But I often wonder how much spoilers really matter. Of course, I’m not saying that you should start a movie by watching the final scene on YouTube, or that TV shows should end the pilot by running through the events of the season from start to finish. But (much like those are ridiculous) we’ve got a problem: some people take this fear of spoilers too far, and not only avoid all plot clues like the plague, but view anyone who is capable of offering any spoiler of this sort as, well, a plague victim. A quick disclaimer before I continue: I’m going to try my best to avoid filling this article with spoilers, so you shouldn’t have to worry about me ruining anything

from this millennium. That said, this is an article about spoilers. A spoiler warning is somewhat redundant.


The theme of this article is “Spoiler Culture”. The term can mean different things, but for my purposes it’s the idea that by revealing details about a work (film, TV show, book, etc.) to someone, you’re somehow ruining the experience of that work for that person. At its core, this is a fair idea. You’d be hard pressed to refute it. But the point of view I’m worried about is the idea that any piece of information, from major plot twists to minute details of lighting or sound, or even whether you think something is good or not, counts as a major spoiler capable of ruining a work utterly. I get this. People love twists. They’re fun and shocking, and in the case of murder mysteries, twists are often central to the story. Plus, a good plot twist can give you an amazing adrenaline high. It makes sense that people would be

concerned that this high might be ruined for them. This isn’t a recent thing. The question ‘Who killed Laura Palmer?’ is probably one of the most iconic questions ever asked on television. I wasn’t even alive when Twin Peaks aired, but I still know how massive the revelation was. It was like a pre-Internet Red Wedding, in terms of public outcry. Alfred Hitchcock insisted that cinemas bar anyone attempting to enter Psycho late, so as to ensure they experienced the full build-up before Marion’s murder. This may sound like a kooky director with some odd whims, but it was a clear statement. Audiences love suspense, and plot-makers like to give it to us.


But in the years since Psycho and Twin Peaks there have been some pretty big changes in the world of television and film. From my perspective, one of (if not the) biggest of these is the advent of streaming video. Services like Netflix and iView allow us to




experience television events at different times. Shows like Orange is the New Black or House of Cards premiere not week by week, but in seasonsized blocks. Their productions are a response to the fact that audiences might not have a spare second all week, but we often have the option of sitting home on a Friday night to watch entire

production seasons at once. Sure, there are people who parcel these shows out over weeks and months, but that’s no longer imposed as the default. This behaviour is common enough that big businesses are profiting from it, and spoilers aren’t as big a spectre as they once were, since we’re all watching things at completely different paces.

Hell, from a particularly callous perspective, you could say that with the various options available for viewing, you have enough options to avert something being spoilt. Some might say that the onus is now on you to actively avoid spoilers.


Let’s say I’ve (somehow, inconceivably) failed to convince you


that spoilers are, like newspapers or Andrew Bolt, not that big a deal anymore, except for the attention we pay them. I’d like you to consider that maybe they never actually mattered that much in the first place. This isn’t just me talking wildly either; studies conducted by the University of California in San Diego revealed that people enjoyed stories more when the outcome was known. This finding isn’t limited to stories centred on a twist: mysteries and murders were found to be the most enjoyable genre when they were spoilt. The researchers, Nicholas Christenfield and Jonathan Leavitt, think that this is partly because ‘the plot is...(almost) irrelevant.’ They think that knowing the ending allows people to appreciate the craft involved more. Earlier, I mentioned how fiercely protective Alfred Hitchcock was of entry to Psycho. This was because the film did something almost unheard of: Marion Crane, almost undeniably the protagonist of this thriller, is murdered in the Bates Motel less than halfway into the film, and suddenly the story then shifts from Marion’s story to the mystery of her death, and Norman Bates’ relationship with his mother. It is only in the last scenes of the film that Norman himself is both mother and son, and commits the murders we’ve thought the ‘mother’ responsible for. This was once an unheard of left turn. Now it’s so well known that

almost no one will now watch Psycho without already knowing the ending. It’s the film where the guy dresses as his mother and murders people. It’s such a ubiquitous concept that a prequel series, Bates Motel, can be made. Just like we know The Hobbit, no matter what, has Bilbo getting the ring from Gollum, viewers of Bates Motel know that whatever happens, it’ll end up with the mother dead and Norman running the inn, killing Janet Leigh. And despite us all knowing this twist, it’s still an amazing and iconic film.


Two other examples, perhaps more notable in recent years: Fight Club and The Sixth Sense. These movies are almost entirely defined by their twists. Tyler Durden is Edward Norton. Bruce Willis is dead. These have almost transcended their cultural presence to the point of becoming punchlines. M. Night Shyamalan was so high on the success of ‘I see dead people’ that his films became 90 per cent twist. I mention these films because you’re not seeing the whole film the first time around, no matter what. Both films are constructed so that, up until they want us to, the audience doesn’t realise someone isn’t who or what we think they are. Willis is dead, and Tyler was never alive to begin with.

post-Sixth Sense Shyamalan film, it doesn’t make it worse. It makes it better. Yes, the feeling of first realising that he’s not real can’t be recovered, and that’s sad. But it’s not something fundamental to our enjoyment. If it were, we really would all have to agree that you don’t talk about Fight Club.


In my final defence of spoilers, I’d like to mention the vice that is so often present from the earliest of school days: flipping to the back of the book. People might want to say that books aren’t as exciting as TV – even my earlier example of the Red Wedding was a much bigger deal on TV than the book – but I’d say two things: a) books are pretty damn riveting; b) the Red Wedding was just as big a deal in book form, just to a smaller audience; and c) look at how much people care about Harry Potter. Once you know everything turns out okay, though, you are free to enjoy the journey. Even if you find out someone is dead, you’re left wondering when and how it’ll happen. It’s kind of amazing. Besides, to quote an old saying (spoiler alert: cliché ahead), the story is in the journey. It’s not the ending that matters, but how you get there.

And in both cases, you’re watching a completely different movie once you know this. And unlike a

Max Cooper can’t stop, Max Cooper won’t stop.






opular culture is governed by trends and styles, and whether we like it or not its power extends to our beloved campus. It’s no longer the dolls in stilettos that dictate fashion, but rather the purposefully unique and quirky Hipsters. Their influence is apparent across the city: the ever-expanding exotic coffee menus in campus cafes, colourful knitted lampposts or cosies for marble statues that spring up overnight, floral prints are surfacing in every stylish boutique, and vintage is becoming synonymous with beauty. While many wear ‘Hipster’ as a badge of honour, I generally try to avoid all trendy sub-cultures. Imagine my surprise when my heart was stolen by the latest hipster obsession: vintage cameras.


In the dusty, disused corner of Port Elliott photographer Alice Bell’s garage sale, I found the Ricoh XR-2s. Dating from 1977, my parents hadn’t even met when this beauty was first released. It sat haphazardly at the top of the camera bag, under a fine film of dust. It felt heavy and powerful in my hands. I held it gingerly at first, until the assistant assured me it was a resilient design. Leathery material encased the durable metal body. It was in perfect working condition, with all the bells and whistles of a professional camera of its era.

The sale was on its last leg, having opened two months earlier, yet in all that time no one had claimed this exquisite specimen of film photography. The asking price was $130, including six different lenses, the camera bag and cleaning supplies. My partner was astounded: you can’t buy one lens for a DSLR for that price nowadays. For me the choice was easy. I love my new camera; it forces me to leave the lazy habits of digital pointand-click behind. Learning through trial and error and waiting to see my film developed is a refreshing feeling in this age of instant gratification.


I have unintentionally joined a hipster craze. I only need to visit Flickr, Imgur or Instagram to see that many young people share my new passion. The popular photo-sharing websites are peppered with digitally added filters and over-exposures, all of which evoke vintage. Nature, beauty shots, pets, or clubbing, any subject will suit. My friends use Polaroid apps to add flare to their Facebook profile pictures. The Intax Mini 8 comes in a variety of classic pastel colours. Released two years ago, it’s still selling strong. Rundle Street specialty camera stores Diamonds Camera Video & Digital and Ted’s Cameras offer a plethora of new plastic cameras and attachments, all boasting the vintage filters or instant printing capability of bygone eras.

I talked with a Diamonds employee about the recent plastic camera trends. ‘You do get the odd person looking for a flashback to their childhood, but more often than not it’s people in their early twenties… There’s not a high demand, but there’s a niche market for them,’ he continues. ‘Certain people who are perhaps a little more artistic, who like to try something a little bit different.’ This description would apply to many students (read: closet hipsters) on campus. I picture my mother’s reaction to this scene: why would anyone use these trendy cameras and apps when modern technology offers better results? My in-laws warn that vintage photography is an expensive hobby, as I’ll need to pay for film and processing. Wouldn’t I need to pay for guitar lessons, baking class, or any other pastime? I think perhaps older generations have trouble appreciating the beauty of these imperfect images, having discarded them as redundant technology long ago. Just as I was beginning to question my new passion, I found a flyer for The Plastic Show, ‘an exhibition of photographs captured entirely with plastic cameras’. I am not alone: it seems our entire generation is proudly celebrating the casually captured art of time long gone.


As a weathered third-year student, I generally try to spend as little time on campus as possible. I avoid



O’Week with fervour. I walk swiftly from my bus stop to class and home again. But with my new camera in tow, I am forced to stop and see the beauty in our campus: the energetically chattering first-years on the Barr-Smith Lawns at lunch time, the golden hued tree-branches at sunset, and the unfathomable modern sculptures that light-up at dusk. All get a close-up with my XR-2s. In many ways it has awoken me from my study-induced stupor and helped me to appreciate the beauty of our campus once again. As my friend at Diamonds said, ‘It’s basically just good fun, and anything that makes people want to take more photos is good as far as I’m concerned.’ Now if only I could find the right aperture (F-Stop) and exposure combination to capture the Robert Burns Memorial statue in front of the State Library. For once I can fully appreciate a hipster trend. I may even try an organic mochaccino with caramel swirl on Monday morning. In many ways this recent surge of plastic cameras and online filters is a beautiful and respectful blending of past and present, acting as a bridge towards the future. But for me the original technology is and always will be perfection. Nicola Dowland fell in love with the XR-2s while on her honeymoon with new hubbie, Thomas.






watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time the other day. In it, a drab dude and a manic pixie dream girl fall into a destructive relationship, then decide it’s a fantastic idea to get a seedy psychiatric clinic to delete themselves from each other’s brains. The movie takes that universal desire to just forget something or someone and sucks you down an exhausting rabbit hole of ethical questions… But the premise is far-fetched, right? Deleting memories is just speculation, isn’t it? Think again. Most sci-fi and spec-fic is based on possibility, and in this case, science delivers. Memory is a weird and twisted mechanism, but we’re beginning to have some semblance of understanding of it. Recalling a memory is like opening up a book – suddenly, it’s vulnerable to alteration or destruction, the lily-white pages easy to rip out or scribble over until it’s closed back up and returned safely to its shelf. The process of “opening” and “re-shelving” our memories is called reconsolidation, and we actually do it all the time. Essentially, memories exist so we can use past experiences to guide our future behaviour. As the world changes, our memories need to be updated – your memory of Tony Abbott, for example, has probably changed enormously since the first time you heard his name. All your subsequent experiences have built up your mental concept of him with more meaning and relevance, and some information fades into obscurity as new facts take precedence. That’s how we naturally edit memories, but what about artificially erasing them? According to research at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), a gene called Tet1 could help us “delete” memories from our brains. We’ve long

known that genes and protein synthesis play vital roles in memory formation, but now evidence suggests that Tet1 – which is thought to regulate chemical modifications to DNA – is essential for memory eradication. Last year, researchers taught a group of mice to fear a cage that could deliver an electric shock. Then, the mice were split into two groups: one with normal levels of Tet1, and one with the Tet1 gene eliminated. Results showed that the control group no longer feared the cage once they realised it wasn’t going to shock them anymore, but the group without Tet1 couldn’t shake their fear. This suggests that the presence of Tet1 can help weaken older memories and form new ones. When it comes to research into memory modification, the Tet1 gene could be an important target. At first it might reduce fear, and then later it could selectively erase memories. But forget messy relationships – this technology would be a godsend to people who suffer from anxiety disorders, or those who are haunted by memories of combat, trauma, addictions, or abuse. Inevitably, though, genetic tampering and memory deletion throws up a whole host of ethical dilemmas. In the process of eliminating one memory, would we risk altering or losing other wanted memories? If the technology becomes widely available, would some people take it further than necessary? How would we know when to stop? My memories aren’t all pleasant, and I don’t like remembering my failures or mistakes or shameful actions, but they’re hugely meaningful in the construction of my worldview. If they’re weakened or eliminated, could that actually affect my personal identity?



The slope gets slipperier still. If we could lessen guilt and trauma, how would that affect how we choose to behave? Soldiers or spies wouldn’t have to worry about the mental repercussions of their actions, so they could be shipped off to war lacking basic empathy. Or imagine if memory modification wasn’t voluntary, or if it was a contractual obligation – far too many companies, agencies and industries might see profit in selectively erasing a person’s memories. This is all speculation, but these questions will and must be raised if memory erasure technology becomes a reality. Science is endlessly cool, but it has an unavoidable prickly side in its ethical accountability. Even the most mind-blowing advances are subject to scrutiny before they’re sent out into the world, and even then you should exercise some caution. You might think you want to erase your memory of last New Year’s Eve, but in fact remembering that failed keg stand could save you from future stupidity. If you delete that night, then where does it stop? And on a final note: if you do decide to get your memories deleted, don’t go to some random early2000s experimental psychiatry practice like they did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Totally unbelievable, Joel and Clementine.

Lauren probably has abnormally high levels of the Tet1 gene, because she forgot what she was going to say here.







t seems 2014 is shaping up to be a huge year for the Australian music community. In South Australia, we have already seen the Big Day Out, Soundwave and Future Music Festival rock themselves around the countryg. Add to the agenda a swathe of epic events and concerts (such as the massively anticipated Nine Inch Nails & Queens of the Stone Age double-header), the Fringe & Adelaide Festival acts from around the globe, Clipsal 500 gigs, Laneway, Womad and Days on the Green! With all of this excitement, it’s no wonder why Adelaidians call this time of year ‘Mad March’. Usually (and disappointingly) though, this mayhem doesn’t last long, and by the time the first autumn leaves have dried and withered, so too has Adelaide’s music scene. Until now… This year the annual regional music festival, Groovin’ The Moo (GTM), will visit our fair state for the first time. Believe it or not, this legendary event is now in its tenth year and has expanded from a simple showcase of six Australian acts in two NSW towns, to a nationally touring bonanza of international and homegrown artists and groups. Stephen Halpin, the mastermind behind Groovin’ the Moo, told On Dit that Adelaide had been on the cards for the last few years, but they had been unable to find an appropriate venue. It all came together, however, when when a locally-living friend suggested Oakbank. When the GTM team came down to Adelaide to have a look, says Halpin, they ‘instantly fell in love’.

Beginning in the Adelaide Hills township of Oakbank on 25th April, the travelling tour will continue onto the destinations the GTM team ‘now consider home’ – Maitland (NSW), Canberra (ACT), Bendigo (VIC), Townsville (QLD) and Bunbury (WA). This regional festival is the only of its kind in Australia, and is also the only event of its variety that visits our nation’s capital, Canberra. It is recognised as one of the most important musical events in Australia for connecting with, and providing opportunity for, our rural communities, and also for showcasing fresh talent from all genres. Halpin says that throughout his 10 years on the festival team, he has seen some truly amazing performances. He recollects with especial fondness the highlights of earlier years, such as booking SA’s own Hilltop Hoods to headline the festival and watching what this opportunity afforded the hip-hop masters in the subsequent years. This year, 24 acts from Australia and around the world, including Illy, Loon Lake, Jungle Giants, Dizzee Rascale (UK) and more, will join the long list of performers who’ve graced the GTM stages. Halpin says that ticket sales so far have been outstanding. So outstanding in fact, that the GTM organisers have decided to make Oakbank a regular fixture for the next three years – an exciting prospect for all South Australian music lovers. Belinda is a great lover of all things ‘M’ - music, Masters, mischief & mayhem.


---------------- Obituary for the Earth ---------------Two weeks past from today, our good friend, The Earth, died. The Earth was our compatriot since birth, a friend to everyone, a source of inspiration for all those who cared to listen. The earth embodied all our hopes, our optimism, our triumphs, our weakness and our strength. But like we who are here today, the Earth knew all too well that we are vulnerable. Friends, for the Earth too was dependent on us. For all of the Earth’s blessings, we ceased to care. For the times that our spirits were lifted by her, in return, we carried on, as if her heart were as black as coal. Those of us who knew her well have understood for some time that she had fallen ill, had succumbed to the barons of smog that governed her from afar. But the Earth continued to do what only the earth could: be there for us all. And time and time again, we thanked her for her blessings, carried on with our lives, and returned again to ask for more. We did not care that she had interests of her own, for ours were always more important. We failed in our mutual respects, we failed to be receptive to her kindness, failed to consider the warning signs, and today we are gathered here together, to remember her, to pay our respects … and … to mourn … for it is all too late. Those of us, who survive, live without her still, in this dark and dreadful place. We wish we had understood, we wish we all had the capacity to care, that we took action, reached out our hand to her, been more kind, more embracing of all that she was. We wish it had not happened like this, that we could turn back the clock, but this is just the way things are now. If only we had said, years ago, when we had understood, stop! Without the earth, we cannot live. Lieutenant E Moon Dredge 10 November 19th, 2050.






First night. Midnight. The whispering forest of the dead planet. A land of fear, the stuff of nightmares. The unwilling warriors’ battlefield, the pirate planet, the end of the world war. Three partners in crime: Shada (the time meddler), Vincent, and the Doctor – the Snowmen, the robots of death. Robot flesh, and stone-cold blood of the cyber men. The ice warriors’ nightmare: In silver, the creature from the pit, an unearthly child – the Doctor’s daughter, prisoner of the sun maker’s love. And monsters fear her fury, from the deep: the curse of the black spot, the invisible enemy within the rebel flesh. Sisters of the flame snakedance, the waters of Mars slip back. Blink. The awakening, the unquiet, dead utopia. The visitation. The expedition. The space pirate’s journey into terror: the seeds of doom. The ambush. The slave traders kidnap the meddling monk. The search, the chase. “Hide no more.”


Lies infer no hidden danger. The big bang… the wall of lies… the dancing floor… the smugglers’ trap of steel… Voyage of the damned, inside the spaceship, the ark, the tomb of the cyber men. Checkmate.


“The final phase: the end of tomorrow. Goodnight.” Dreamland. The nightmare begins, the plague, the mutants. Five hundred eyes, a thousand tiny wings. “Marco…”

“Polo…” Night terrors, the mind robber, the ultimate foe. The return, the waking ally. The final test, a desperate venture, the escape a race against death. Rise of the cyber men, cold warriors of the deep. The traitor’s doomsday – death is the only answer. The parting of the ways: revenge of the cyber men. The paradise of death.

Last night. The final test, the eleventh hour mission to the unknown silver nemesis, the girl in the fireplace – the Faceless One’s immortal beloved. A bargain of necessity, a battle of wits, desperate measures. Survival. Underworld’s end, new earth, new beginnings – full circle. The chimes of midnight, and the Doctor dances. The power of three, the survivors – the abominable Snowmen.




As a kid, I had a lot ‘wrong’ with me. Nothing all that major, but a lot of little things. Typical kiddy stuff. I managed to get chickenpox multiple times, I was allergic to milk but not lactose intolerant, I had eczema and other skin infections, I had bad reflux (TMI? Soz) and had to have an operation on my bladder and kidneys because they weren’t the best of friends. To make matters worse, I reacted to just about every immunisation I had. Even the stuff that was meant to be preventing me from getting sick, made me sick. It was pretty shitty, of course, and kinda terrifying when things actually got serious, but I ended up developing a strange love of hospitals and doctor’s surgeries. Hanging out with my Dad in the waiting room for 6 hours as we watched my boil grow and swell and turn my whole thigh bright pink was as entertaining to me as Cheez TV was to my peers. Baffling doctors, nurses and medical students alike with their inability to find a vein to take my blood when I had the mumps was SO MUCH FUN. In my eyes, I was a medical mystery. It wasn’t necessarily the attention I liked, but the piecing together of the puzzle of whatever illness I had that week was riveting. As I got a little older, I got stronger and healthier and spent less and less time frequenting doctor’s surgeries and hospitals. I thought, in the words my childhood idol, Miss Clavel (from Madeline, duh), ‘Something is not right!’ There were so many more medical mysteries to solve! Surely there were more things wrong with me?!

flicked in my head. I used to sit watching the Madeline movie and study the scene where she gets her appendix out so that I would know exactly what to say and do when mine inevitably needed to come out. I’m still waiting for that moment, but when it arrives I will be so ready. Throughout my primary years I honed my talents for whimpering and cringing and crying on cue, and making my limbs seize up - ‘I CAN’T FEEL MA LEGS!’. As it turned out, this proved to be a handy way to not only get out of PE lessons (I’m five feet tall and fully grown; hurdles were never going to be my thing) but also to spend as much time as I could in the wonderful world of medicine. Over the years, these skills have served me well both on stage and in life. Thanks to my wealth of health knowledge and my totally professional detective skills, I can sniff an illness a mile away (although if I really can smell you from a mile away, you could have liver disease, so you probably wanna get that checked out). I know my dermatitis from my psoriasis, my flu from my common cold, my heat rash from my shingles and can correctly diagnose them all*. I, ladies and gentleman, am an expert hypochondriac, and I’m damn proud of it. *may not actually be medically accurate.

It also helped that around this time, I was beginning to discover my dramatic abilities. It was like a switch Lauren is a perpetually indecisive worry-wart. Her favourite past-time is Googling fantasy travel destinations. Niall is her favourite 1D member, in case you were wondering.




‘You’ve got depression,’ the doctor said, ‘and anxiety.’ Even though I knew this already, the diagnosis hit me like a tonne of bricks. Those words surely weren’t meant for me. I was a generally happy and healthy woman. There had been no traumas to speak of, no history of depression, nothing. I was in my 30s, living the dream. I had just spent nine months living and travelling in Canada and the States. Everything was meant to be great. Instead, everything was miserable. I was in my 30s, with no direction or desire for life. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was forlorn, losing weight rapidly, and panic attacks had become a semi-regular occurrence. At times, I was scared to leave the house. A simple drive to the supermarkets could inspire a panic attack. I felt like I was suffocating. I had no desire to enjoy the things I had missed the most during my time away - my family and my friends. Mostly, I just wanted to sleep. Except that I couldn’t sleep. My mind was in a constant state of overdrive. I couldn’t switch it off. It wasn’t until I started therapy with both a counsellor and psychologist that all of my symptoms were explained and began to make sense. I hadn’t been looking after myself; I was unsettled and always in a hurry. I hadn’t realised that I had allowed negative thoughts to infiltrate and take over. The good news was that it could be treated. I didn’t have to live in fear. I could, and if I put in the effort, would get better. Fast forward two years, and I am feeling the best that I have in years. I haven’t had a panic attack in over 18 months, I’ve learnt ways to manage stress and I am genuinely enjoying life. I’ll be honest with you; it wasn’t easy to get to this point. I had to retrain the way I thought, learn how

to focus on one thing at a time…and not be so hard on myself. But with the help of a couple of therapists, and the support of my family, I was able to get through it. Day by day, I finally began to claw my way out of the darkness. I didn’t know at the time, but a phone call I made to Lifeline during a panic attack in my darkest days has managed to enrich my life in ways I could never have imagined. The man on the phone calmed me down and helped me believe that everything was going to be OK. I am forever grateful to him. As a result of his comforting words, an intense desire grew to help others. I have taken this desire seriously and signed up to trek the Kokoda Trail in Papua New Guinea to raise money and awareness for Lifeline, Australia’s 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention line. Over the last six months, I have been busy training and fundraising. From the comfort of my couch, I have jumped into climbing hills, running stairs, and this is the big one, asking people for help, for support, and money for my cause. From a woman who couldn’t even leave the house two years ago, I struggle to believe it. In a few weeks, I will be knee-deep in mud on one of the most challenging tracks in the world. I will be navigating rocky paths, creek crossings and the steepest of steep. I will be sore, tired, and taking part in the biggest adventure of my life. This is my chance to say thank you to those who helped me, and to offer hope to those who don’t have any. If you ever feel depressed, please talk to someone. Don’t be ashamed to speak up and share your fears. Organisations such as Lifeline are there to listen and help. Call them if you or someone you know is thinking of hurting themselves. 13 11 14. Lifeline are there 24/7. Or visit their website: www.lifeline.org.au for a one-on-one online chat (8pm-4am, 7 days).

Alison wonders if she would end up with high distinctions if she spent as much time editing her assignment as she did this piece.




I’m not going to claim that German is the most poetic of all tongues. I won’t pretend that its spoken word is akin to the chiming breeze of angels’ breath, or that its soaring notes flawlessly skip across consonants and vibrate sinuously through the vowels. They don’t. You use your throat muscles a lot more than in English. Any spoken “r” sits firmly right before your tonsils, and you discover the joys of terrifying-looking compound nouns. But I feel German is unjustly pilloried as an angry, barbaric language, spoken by gruff men in lederhosen loosing flecks of spittle at the listener. There are entire YouTube channels devoted to pointing out the fact that German words are totally unrelated to the sexy, sexy Romantic languages. Yes, ‘hippopotamus’ is the perky hippopotami in French, the slightly racier hipópotamo in Spanish, the very nearly identical ippopotamo in Italian; and then suddenly shit gets real in German with NILPFERD. But hippopotamus is a stupid word to begin with and your complaints are invalid. Romantic languages! I get it. You sound musical and hot. You flow from one word to the next effortlessly; you are stereotyped in a thousand Hollywood films as languages of attractive escape, spoken by mysterious but always gorgeous women and men who, if not handsome, at the very least have highly seductive facial hair. Germans have a less lucky lot in Hollywood movie life. As a German, you have a nine out of ten chance of being featured as Military Person Who Does A Lot Of Yelling During The Second World War. Angry German does indeed sound very angry and aggressive. So does your dad shouting in English at the umpire at the SANFL Grand Final. Put simply, the reputation of the German language has been screwed over by tone. Spoken German can be soft - it can sound completely neutral and normal. It can even be pretty. It’s not super guttural and harsh (unless you meet your exchange partner’s dialect-speaking grandparents like I did). Hell, a bunch of really famous operas are in German. People enjoy listening to German being sung and they’re not even those insane native Germans who are obviously brainwashed by their own mother tongue.

Certain words can be beautiful – the rhythmic Rhabarbermarmelade (rhubarb jam), the delicate Libelle (dragonfly), or the standard pronunciation test for foreigners at a German party: Streichholzschächtelchen (little matchbox). Some contain subtleties that English rarely has, such as Fernweh (a longing to travel, also known by another German word, Wanderlust) Waldseligkeit (the peaceful sense of being alone in a forest), Habseligkeiten (the modest, wellloved possessions of a child) and Sternhagelvoll (to be completely drunk, with the kind connotation that you are incapable of walking and instead are observing the starry night sky). Australian English, in comparison, possesses mellifluous terms such as ‘budgie smugglers’, ‘boogie board’ and the impeccable town name, ‘Iron Knob’. I confess, I speak fluent German and am probably biased. English is my first language, but my fondness for German is due to its oddity, poignancy and tendency to be really confrontingly literal. What do you call gloves in German? ‘Hand shoes’. Umbrella? ‘Rain shield’. Slug? ‘Naked snail’. Medical term for nipple? ‘Breast wart’. (I apologise, that last one was too horrifying/great to omit.) Similarly, I find certain German idiomatic phrases charmingly bewildering. Want to exclaim in surprise at something? Simply yell, ‘I think my pig whistles!’ When consoling a friend, tell them sympathetically that ‘life isn’t a pony farm’. If you don’t really care about something, just shrug and say ‘that is sausage to me’. German will probably never be seen as sexy, especially as long as ‘breast wart’ (Brustwarze) still exists, but I definitely don’t see it as ugly. And if you want to talk shit about unattractive languages, let’s all gang up on the Danes, because they sound like drunk Germans with a mouth full of potato anyway.

Alex Weiland is yet to seduce you in German, but she sure is trying. She also studies architectural engineering in a strictly unsexy manner.




The choice to pursue doctoral study isn’t an easy one to make. This may be especially true today when everyone is expected to focus on their careers and their future prosperity from a young age. Long gone is the university heyday of the ‘70s, when changing social norms and the arrival of widely accessible higher education meant twenty-somethings (of many social-economic strata) felt the call of either examined self-reflection or self-indulgent laziness, depending on which side of the debate you fell. (The upside was, if you were in the right crowd, such reflection – generally aided and abetted by serious drinking – often went hand-in-hand with serious discussions about values, politics and meaning.) The advent of the neoliberal consensus and the unions’ retreat from full-blown social politics into a narrower and wage-focused industrial campaign has left scant room in public debate for attention to, and respect for, the role of fledging academics. University has become a place for the acquisition of no more than a vocational skillset, in which the taxpayer’s dollar is invested to ensure the forces of industry rank the Australian tertiary graduate the equal of his or her international peers. No doubt this is part-and-parcel of living in a globalised world, but surely it should not be the only goal of higher education, nor the primary reason one studies for a degree. Perhaps this is a pessimistic interpretation of the status quo. But my real purpose here isn’t to argue for a wholesale revision of our understanding of university education. That would be a project worthy of a PhD or, at least, a long-form essay. Rather, I point out some of these changes in the landscape of the academy for a specific reason: the question of the university’s responsibility toward its postgraduate students and their prospects in the workforce. One of the idiosyncrasies of the University of Adelaide’s administration is the separation of the Faculties when it comes to the issue of funding, which means that individual Faculties have autonomous casual teaching budgets. Problematically, that budget seems to be determined on a basis that reflects the amount of money each Faculty brings in (in terms of student enrolment). Faculties bringing in more cash get more money to teach. Surely, that makes sense? To

an extent, yes. Obviously, there must be a scaling up of the teaching resources of a discipline with increased enrolments. But the present policy isn’t increasing teachers in the popular subjects; it’s just harshly cutting the amount of money available to disciplines in which enrolment is not sufficiently sky-high. It preferences courses which bring in more full-fee paying students, so subjects which don’t appeal to international students suffer disproportionately. Moreover, departments in which small-group tutorials are the norm (because they are the best way to promote understanding) are severely penalised. The cuts are so deep in the Humanities and Social Sciences that some current doctoral students at this institution may graduate without a skerrick of teaching experience, despite an earnest desire to get some. Why is this an issue? Tutoring is really the only professional training a graduate student gets to prepare for an academic career. Apart from short-term postdoctoral research positions, nearly every academic job in this country (and abroad) involves a requirement to teach. The contemporary market for academic work is, akin to the rest of the economy, increasingly competitive and specialised. Our PhD students need teaching experience to compete with their peer graduates in the entrylevel market. Indeed, post-GFC, and in an increasingly globalised world, top Australian universities are more and more able to hire Oxbridge and Ivy League graduates who are unable to find work at top institutions in their home countries. While Adelaide is a good university – no one is denying that – it does not have the ‘star power’ of the elite institutions and, accordingly, its graduate students need every resource at their disposal to stand apart from the crowd and compete. At present, this university’s policy is starkly at odds with this reality. One hopes that, if not out of goodwill towards its students, the university will right its course once the realisation sets in that you cannot remain a well-respected (and highly-ranked) institution if your Ph.D. graduates are not finding decent, academic positions elsewhere. In the Humanities and Social Sciences at least, current trends suggest they may not.







BY CHUCKLEFISH, LTD. REVIEWED BY MATTHEW WELLINGS There are many open world adventure games out there. Minecraft, for example, is one of the most well known. Starbound, however, is a little known indie game. Starbound takes what Minecraft created and adds what it lacks – space. The mechanics of the game are very polished and straightforward; you have your hot bar mapped to the numerical keys, which allows you to switch between tools, weapons and items. These items are used to shape and create your world. This is the main point of the game- the ability to shape worlds how you and your friends want, in order to explore space and discover the almost infinite amount of unknown planets. This game really is about you, as you create your own story. That being said, the game has a few problems. Because it is a two-dimensional side scrolling game, it requires a fairly powerful computer. Starbound is available on Mac, but when there is more than one or two enemies on the screen, you will notice a significant frame rate drop. The developers have acknowledged that the game needs more optimization before its ready for lower end computers, and are continuing to work on it with a constant flow of updates. Perks? The pixel art is vibrant and is really quite beautiful, and the background music complements the atmosphere perfectly.

Mayo is dead. Long live Mayo. After last year’s Grassroots Express experiment, the old Mayo Cafe menu has finally returned. That said, when I went, there was a bit of shambles to it. This could mostly be due to the recent revival of the menu, rather than something that’ll turn into an ongoing issue. As far as the food goes, anyone who went to Mayo pre-2013 will be familiar with what’s on offer. For those that don’t know, if I had to sum the menu up in a single word, it’d be ‘fried’. There’s fairly standard ‘tuck shop’ offerings. Chips, chicken nuggets, burgers, fish, etc. Though it’s hardly the healthiest option, there’s a certain comfort in the predictability of the menu. The biggest plus, from my point of view, is that there are finally some good block cut chips available on campus. It’s not the most revolutionary entry to the campus food scene, but I’m pretty happy to see the Mayo menu come back. I would caution that they’re still getting the menu back on it’s feet, so there may be some issues with availability. It must be noted, though, that Faux Mayo is definitely back on the list of options for an easy lunch between classes.









The first season of HBO’s True Detective, starring Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson, brings newness to the cop drama genre. It focusses less on finding the murderer, and more on the manhunt and exploring mens’ consciouness.

Have you ever come across an album that just makes you want to dance? I give you, people of Adelaide University, Raise The People, the most recent release from Melbourne trio Calling All Cars.

Rather than following the same narrative structure of every other mystery show ever made – ‘Whodunit?’ - the show focuses on the two main characters, their relatives and their relationships. The synopsis is almost a caricature: Rust Cohle and Marty Hart, two police officers with differing approaches to conducting their cases and living their lives, are forced to work together on the case of the murder of a young prostitute, Dora Lange. I have to point out the impressive work of showrunner Nic Pizzolatto and director Cary Fukunaga, who created, amongst other things, a very immersive atmosphere. Her perfect use of the mysterious and somewhat ominous landscapes of Louisiana, and the 6 minute track shot will surely blow your mind. If you (like Katya Beketova who reviewed Sherlock in On Dit 82.1) are sick and tired of shows that lack common sense and real bonds between characters, then perhaps you should give True Detective a shot. At least you’ll learn how to make sick Beer Can Men.

The lead single, Werewolves, released in September 2013, gave us an early taste of what the album might sound like. Indeed, it was a good taste tester, however the album offers so much more. Raise The People has a feel to it that previous releases did not. There seems to be a small amount of influence from Britpop, which can be heard in tracks such as Running On The Sun and It Don’t Matter. I recommend taking note of Every Day Is The Same and the second single, Standing In The Ocean. Both tracks have a feel of both old and new Calling All Cars and are a great listen. It is clear that the band tried to experiment with a new sound. And they have succeeded- it’s one killer album. This is a fun album with a great sound for both old and new fans. From the first track to the last, Raise The People made me want to get up and dance. And if you’re a fan of dancing to alternative rock and indie music, you will too.






answers on page 5




Aries In a bid to remember the name of the person you are about to go home with, you will write it on your arm in a friend’s lipstick. Their sheets will be irrevocably stained with Berry Kiss (among other things), and you will learn that an inability to recall identities is a blessing in disguise.

Leo In a moment of desperation, you will call your father and tell him you think there is an intruder in the house. You really just needed him to open a jar of Chicken Tonight simmer sauce, but whatever gets the job done, right?

Taurus Your hyper-competitiveness will be put to the test when your housemates con you into a ‘SUPER HOME TRIATHALON’ involving vacuuming, dishwashing and surface spray. You will win, but it will be a hollow victory. Gemini You will begin integrating yourself into a Cougar Town-style group of new friends. This will be intensely rewarding, but you will feel violated by the number of times you’re asked to join group STD check ups. Cancer After accidentally receiving a text message meant for someone else, you will strike up an unlikely friendship with the apparently illiterate but highly affectionate ‘Brent’. U seem so gr8, y dnt we meet up yeh? <3

TARGEDOKU Find as many words as you can using the letters on the Sudoku grid. Words must be four letters or more and include the highlighted letter. Use the letters to solve the Sudoku (normal Sudoku rules apply). There are no repeated letters.


S 9 6I

R5 A2

C 7 V3

R5 K8

A 2 M 1 R 5 E4 V 3

R5 V 3

M 1

C 7 S9 K 8

Daily Sudoku: Tue 18-Mar-2014

V 3 S9

S 9

(c) Daily Sudoku Ltd 2014. All rights reserved.

C 7 M 1

C 7

Virgo By week four, you will be disappointed to discover the ‘friends’ you made during White Fear in O’Week turn out to be mouth-breathing students that are almost too keen to function. Don’t make eye contact for the next three years. Libra An evening spent watching all six free-to-air infomercial channels will escalate into you purchasing a twelve-piece cookware set (including a FREE tea towel on your TWENTY EIGHT DAY TRIAL). You’d be losing money not to! Scorpio You will be thrust back into Single City after your romantic partner of three weeks decides your personalised phone case of their face is ‘a bit intense. I’m not really ready for that right now’. Their loss. Thank god you didn’t show them the tattoo. Sagittarius After reading all 312 user comments on News.com, you will decide to create a profile in order to respond to bigboy69’s harsh comments about Lindsay Lohan’s bikini bod. Grassroots justice and advocacy at its finest. Capricorn After bingeing on free online personality tests, you will become disillusioned by your own self-image and attempt to begin a magical journey of personal development consisting entirely of legal dramas and no footwear. Aquarius After spending the week before watching Youtube videos of people filling their orifices with novelty straws (look it up), you will be forced to write your first major assignment using an online content generator. Custard globalization wizard-ilk. Pisces Your plan to hold off shopping until ten minutes before close on a Sunday at Woolworths will pay off tenfold with a bounty of only moderately spoiled vegetables and expired sour cream. Scrape off the mould and live like a king!






ecently I attended a student ‘welcome evening’ for a wonderful group called Doctors for the Environment. It’s an organisation I’ve been a part of for many years now with a belief in the principle that good health and a clean, green environment are intrinsically linked. Not surprisingly many involved students and members are vegan or vegetarian (including myself), because it’s more environmentally friendly than an omnivorous diet AND it’s pretty easy to be healthy when you’re a vegetarian! Yet still there are those who declare proudly their love for meat and insist they could never give it up. I understand this thinking because 4 years ago I was the same, but today I say, bollocks! Now that I eat a vegetarian diet I can’t believe I ever thought it would be difficult. My diet is much more varied and healthy now, and I enjoy so many more vegetables. Sure, I miss out on roast lamb/pork/chicken at special occasions, but instead I eat scrumptious roulades, amazing curries, and beautiful salads. Vegetarian food is delicious, healthy, and so varied. I strongly encourage you all to try to eat a vegetarian meal every week. To start you off and give you some food for thought, have a go at these delicious and easy falafel!

•  2 cans (or equivalent soaked and cooked) chickpeas, drained and rinsed •  1 quartered brown onion •  2-3 cloves of garlic (to taste) •  1 generous handful of parsley •  1 generous handful of coriander •  1/3 cup of plain flour •  1 tsp of salt •  2 tsp baking powder •  Pepper to taste •  Oil for frying 1. Blend all ingredients in a food processor until a paste forms. This can take a little while and may require stopping and stirring the mix with a spoon slightly to make sure it all comes into contact with the blades. 2. Transfer mix to a bowl, cover, and refrigerate for at least 2 hours. 3. Using a spoon, scoop out mix and roll into balls – I normally make them about the size of a small walnut. 4. Once all the mix has been rolled into balls, heat oil in a wok or fry pan; when oil is heated, place several falafel in at a time and fry until golden/crispy. 5. Transfer to a plate with paper towel (to soak excess oil) 6. Serve with hummus or yoghurt, pita bread and salads of your choice - enjoy!

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