Navigating the Unknown - What to do if your child discloses sexual abuse

NAVIGATING THE UNKNOWN

What to do if your child discloses sexual abuse

The information in this booklet is provided by children, young people and their families who have had similar experiences. It gives a snapshot of the most asked questions by families and we are hoping it will provide you with some guidance as you seek support for your child.

NAVIGATING THE UNKNOWN CONTENTS Key People and Places

02

Your Child and Family

03

Police

06

Health

07

Child Protection Services

08

Legal Processes

09

Education

10

Counselling and Other Support Services

11

Safety Planning

12

Protective Behaviours

13

Contact Numbers

14

ABOUT US Since 1988 Act for Kids has been delivering trauma-informed therapies, family support, educational services, residential care and advocacy to empower kids and break the cycle of abuse in Australia.

Our dedicated team of psychologists, speech therapists, early education specialists, counsellors, occupational therapists and family support workers help children and families overcome trauma by providing support to the most vulnerable.

PEOPLE AND PLACES that may be able to help you and your child After you have found out about what has happened to your child, there will be people and places that you can connect with for support. When, where, and how you will be supported will be different for each child and family.

Some of the key community services and government departments are:

Counselling and other supports Police

Legal Your child and family Child Protection Agency

Health

Education

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YOUR CHILD AND FAMILY When your child talks about what has happened First responses can be hard to manage. You may be unsure about how you responded to the conversation or wish you had done things differently. Your child may disclose more information about what happened over time. Any time a child shares information about sexual abuse, please use the following as a guide to respond: ♥ Stop what you are doing and listen carefully. ♥ Remain as calm as possible. ♥ Reassure them that they are doing the right thing by telling; recognise their bravery. ♥ Reassure your child that they are NOT responsible for the abuse. ♥ Let your child talk in their own words and at their own pace. Let them tell you what they are ready to talk about. ♥

Asking questions may change the type of, or how much information, your child is willing to share.

It may also impact how the criminal justice systems view this information and its validity. You can ask questions to determine the immediate safety needs of your child. Limit these to open-ended questions like the ones below.

♥ Avoid promises that can’t be kept, for example “I won’t tell anyone” or “That person will go to jail and you will never have to see them again”. ♥ Tell your child what you plan to do next. ♥ If the person who enacted the sexual abuse against your child is over the age of 18 years avoid any contact with them. ♥

If the person who sexually harmed your child is another child in your home, circumstances will look different. It will be important to work with the key support services shown on page 02 to identify how you can manage the safety within your home. Safety planning could be a good place to start (see page 12 of this booklet).

Letting someone know about sexual abuse is a process. Sometimes, as part of that process, a child might take back what they said and retract the disclosure. Some children will then later reaffirm what happened to them, others will not. This does not mean the abuse didn’t happen. Retracting disclosures can be a normal part of the disclosure process.

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Reasons why a child may not tell There are many reasons why a child may be worried to tell people what has happened to them.

Some factors may be: ♥ age/development stage. ♥ cultural or linguistic background. ♥ fear, anxiety or worry about what will happen after they tell. ♥ the feeling that they may need to protect someone else. ♥ their safety or someone else’s safety may have been directly threatened. ♥ they worry they won’t be believed.

How did I not know?

The person who has harmed your child may have used many different tactics to have access to your child. This process, called ‘grooming’, occurs in such a way that it is often very difficult to see the signs. The grooming process may have occurred over a short, medium or long period of time.

Some grooming strategies include: ♥ gaining the child’s trust or the trust of parents/carers. ♥ making the child feel special. ♥ isolating the child from family and friends. ♥ slow boundary violation eg. touching a child’s arm, using ‘play fighting’. ♥ intimidating the child. ♥ talking about secrecy (as a game or accompanied with intimidation/threats). ♥ shaping the child’s perception eg. “this is what you do with people you love”. ♥ setting up the physical environment so that the abuse can occur. ♥ physical contact that may not appear ‘sexual’, such as touch, play, tickle games. ♥ non-physical contact, such as showing children sexual pictures or chatting to them online.

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TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILD, yourself and other family members YOUR CHILD ♥ Not all children who have been abused will experience trauma. Every circumstance is different and every child is different. ♥ Notice any change (increase, decrease, fluctuation) in your child’s independence, mood or behaviour including: feelings, sleep habits, appetite, toileting, attention span, body image, socialising or sexually-related behaviour. ♥ Your child may also experience ‘triggers’ – times when our senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch trigger a memory or a flashback of an experience. A flashback is when you feel like you are experiencing a past memory in the present moment. ♥ Allow hope about the future for your child and family. A parent’s belief that their child will recover after sexual abuse can help with positive outcomes for their children. ♥ If you are worried about your child, you might like to consider what support options are available to them, as described later in this booklet (see Counselling and Other Supports on page 11).

YOU ♥ You may experience a variety of different feelings at different times. These might include worry, anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, helplessness and betrayal. You may also want to change your child’s social and community connections or worry that all people are a risk to your child/ren’s safety. ♥ If you have personally experienced sexual abuse or assault, this may trigger memories or flashbacks for yourself. ♥ If you are worried about how you have been impacted, or would like support for yourself so you feel more able to support your child, you might like to consider what support options are available to you, as described later in this booklet.

YOUR FAMILY ♥ Sexual abuse can impact the whole family. ♥ Your child’s siblings may feel a variety of different feelings: guilt for not protecting their sibling, anger or confusion that they may no longer be able to see someone they are close to, worry that the abuse will happen to them or others. ♥ Keep daily routines the same – as much as possible. ♥ Continue activities that are enjoyable for your child and family. ♥ Be kind and gentle with yourself and other family members. ♥ Allow space and time for healing. ♥ Have someone to talk to; whether it be a trusted family member, friend or professional – you don’t need to go through this alone. ♥ If another child in your care is behaving with some worrying sexual behaviours it may be important to access counselling support for this child. (see Counselling and Other Supports on page 11). ♥

To understand more about sexual development and the difference between normal development and worrying behaviour, there is some good information on what to look for and how to respond on: True Relationships and Reproductive Health https://www.true.org.au/ Check out the information on the Traffic Lights resources. Also the Traffic Lights App is available for iPhones (cost $1.49)

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POLICE Child sexual abuse is a criminal matter and needs to be reported to the police immediately.

If a child has reported abuse, please contact your local police station. Please let them know that your child has disclosed information about sexual abuse. They may make a time for you and your child (and possibly other family members) to be interviewed.

Some things you may need to consider before you go to the police station: ♥ Prepare your child. Without telling your child what to say, encourage them to be honest and answer the police officers’ questions as best as they can. ♥ Praise your child for their bravery. ♥ Children are interviewed on their own – you cannot go in with them. This is to ensure that children aren’t influenced by the actions of a third party in the room. Your child can take a break when and if it’s needed. ♥ Take a support person, if possible. They can be with you while your child is interviewed and be with your child while the police talk to you. ♥ Is there an item of comfort that they can take, such as a teddy bear, toy car or blanket? This will help make this interview as least confrontational as possible.

WHILST AT THE POLICE STATION ♥ There will be a visible camera in the room used to record interviews. ♥ Many children have different experiences and perceptions of police officers and some children may feel frightened. Things they may worry about: ♥ Will they get in trouble? ♥ Will they go to jail? ♥ Will people that they love go to jail or be angry for them talking about this? ♥ Reassure your child that the police are there to help. ♥ The physical environment is important. Is there a quiet area they can wait without being interrupted? Is the area away from other general business? ♥ Non-verbal communication is important: the tone of voice and body language of people around them will have a significant impact on your child feeling comfortable enough to tell what has happened to them.

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE POLICE STATION, THESE MAY BE USEFUL ANSWERS TO HAVE: ♥ Do you have the name of the person who has interviewed your child today? ♥ Do they have enough information to open an investigation? ♥ Who do you contact if your child discloses more information? ♥ What other information do you need?

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HEALTH Depending on what has happened to your child, it may be really important to have your child checked over by a doctor or nurse.

If the sexual abuse has happened recently: ♥ Your child may require a forensic check up at the hospital. ♥ The time since the last assault is an important factor – call your local hospital and ask to speak to a social worker or someone with child protection and let them know: ♥ if this has just occurred; or ♥ has occurred in the past 5 days; or ♥ if there has been a longer time frame.

They will let you know what to do next. ♥ If your child needs a forensic check-up, the invasiveness of this check will be based on the type of the assault. Its purpose is to check if/that your child’s body is OK and gather any evidence of the assault. ♥ If your child is young and has experienced a significant assault to their body, the paediatrician may offer a general anaesthetic to reduce further trauma to your child. ♥ If you or your family members would like some emotional support, ask that the hospital link you with their Social Worker.

If the sexual abuse has happened in the past: ♥ Going along to your GP for a check-up for your child is still important. It can provide peace of mind for (you and) your child that everything is ok with their body. ♥ You don’t need to go into full details, however, letting your GP know what has occurred can be important, for any support that may be required in the future.

Whilst at the medical check-up: ♥ Explain to your child that the Doctors type of ‘touch’ is important as it helps take care of their body. ♥ Reassure them that you will be there and they are safe. ♥ Medical terminology is hard to understand – ask them to use clear and easy to understand language.

Some questions to consider asking: ♥ What are they doing? ♥ Why are they doing it? ♥ Is any follow up required? ♥ Who will provide the follow up?

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CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES

Why are they investigating when the police have said there would not be an investigation?

If you report child sexual abuse to your local Child Protection Agency, they will report it to the police and vice-versa. If Child Protection Services contacts you, please don’t be alarmed.

They have responsibility for a few specific things: ♥ to assess if there is an immediate risk of this happening again to your child. ♥ to determine if you, their parent, has and are continuing to act protectively.

I didn’t hurt my child…why are Child Protection contacting me?

NOTES

Many instances of child sexual abuse happen within the family and it’s really important for Child Protection Services to know what your child’s current circumstances are. If they open an investigation, this is a DIFFERENT process to an investigation by police. Child Protection will want to interview your child.

Police investigate for criminal purposes looking for “evidence”.

State child protection agencies investigate to determine if there is a caregiver “willing and able” to protect and take responsibility for the safety of the child.

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LEGAL PROCESSES If the police determine there is enough evidence to press charges, the state will pursue all court and legal matters. The Office of Director of Pubic Prosecutions (ODPP) will take responsibility to defend the victim of child sexual abuse.

Different processes occur with different circumstances, dependent on age and ability of child, evidence and witnesses. This can be a long process. Many families will experience many different emotions during this time.

Prior to your child going to court: ♥ Please consult your solicitor immediately for guidance on what action to take. ♥ Your therapist or other practitioners CANNOT advise you on what to do next. ♥

This is a complex legal matter and a legal service is your best contact. Contacts for Legal Aid and other legal support is contained in the Contacts list at the back of this booklet. In your community, there are also many private practice solicitors who specialise in Family Law.

Family Law is within a different departmental jurisdiction to Police and Child Protection Services.

Decisions made by these parties may impact family law outcomes but they are different systemic responses.

I cannot afford to seek legal advice.

NOTES

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EDUCATION “…the mum told me her “I told the school what child had recently been had been happening sexually abused…I was and no one passed the concerned, but I didn’t information along to know what I could do my child’s classroom to help…” teacher…”

“…the police interviewed me at school…. I then had to go back to class and pretend nothing was wrong…”

It may be useful to let your child’s school know what has happened. You do not need to provide details – just an overview.

Let them know what you need from them: ♥ To be aware of any disclosures your child may share with them, other school staff or students. ♥ Observe how your child is going: any changes in behaviour, interactions with friends or participation in classroom and learning. ♥ To be aware of any risks to your child’s safety: copies of any Domestic Violence Orders (DVOs), court orders or safety planning. ♥ Observe your other children: this event may have impacted all family members. ♥ Advise them to call 000 if the person that has harmed your child makes contact with them at school and then to advise you after they have contacted authorities.

Things you can do: ♥ Provide copies of any legal documentation court orders, DVO’s, parenting plans. ♥ Provide a copy of any safety planning for your child. If appropriate, ask how they can help. ♥ Check if any emergency contact details need to be updated. ♥ If your child is accessing counselling, it may be useful to provide consent for them to exchange information about your child; to understand ways they may support your child’s individual needs.

NOTES

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COUNSELLING and other support services “…my child disclosed that they were sexually abused during a counselling session…the therapist told me my child couldn’t attend anymore…” “my child counsellor worked with him around protective behaviours…he can now confidently tell me that no one is allowed to touch his body without a good reason…”

“…my child’s counsellor followed up immediately with telling me what my child had disclosed during the session…. we reported it to the police and Child Protection together…I was so grateful to have her support…” “we have never had to access support from services before…I don’t know where to begin…”

If you feel like your family requires support, please contact your GP. They will help you find the best support.

Encourage open communication and be available to listen so that your child can share with you how they are feeling.

If your child is already engaged with a counsellor at the time of disclosure, they do not need to stop counselling. Please advise your therapist of what you know and ask that they contact the investigating police officer to receive guidance around what can be discussed in therapy sessions.

If you are seeking a counsellor for your child, there are a few things to consider:

Many parents ask if their child needs counselling after sexual abuse has occurred. Sexual abuse affects people differently, at different times in their lives. You will be the best judge to understand your child’s immediate needs: watch for changes in behaviour, difficulties sleeping or eating and everyday activities.

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♥ Are they trauma informed in their practice? ♥ Do they have experience with working with children? ♥ What are the costs? ♥ Does your child need a referral from the GP? ♥ Are there any Medicare rebates available? ♥ Are there current waiting periods?

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(If your child’s safety is at risk, please call 000)

Other places

technology

Using

community

In the

At school

At home

for when I am:

My safety plan

Swimming lessons

If they contact me on social media

If I see them at the supermarket

If they come to my school

For example, the person who hurt me coming to my home

What am I worried about?

Stay with my class at all times

Show an adult you trust Screenshot block

Go to an identified safe security guard

Talk to my identified support person

Talk to an adult that I trust

when I feel worried?

What are the things I can do

Having my parents there to watch my class

Playing online games in the lounge room, near other family members

Charged mobile phone, always staying with a buddy

Letting the school know my safety plan

Locked doors, drawn curtains, charged mobile phone. Call 000 if the person comes to my house

help me to feel safe?

What are the things that will

Family, members of the public

Family, Police

Family, members of the public

Teachers, school staff

My family Police

help me to feel safe?

Who are the people that can

What is a safety plan? A documented plan to help you and your child stay safe from future risks.

Having a plan helps you think through all possible situations and have a planned response to maintain your child’s and family’s safety.

Who should be involved in developing the plan? All members of the family who require a safety plan or will support the safety plan.

SAFETY PLANNING

PROTECTIVE BEHAVIOURS Protective Behaviours are a set of skills that help children identify uncomfortable or unsafe situations and let them know how to respond and take action in ways that increase their safety. There are many resources available to help you know how to talk to your child about personal safety and sexual abuse.

Here are some Protective Behaviours skills you can support your child to develop to help them feel safe: ♥ Recognise feelings and early warning signs in their bodies. ♥ Manage their emotions through slow breathing and muscle relaxation. ♥ Distinguish between ‘safe and okay’ and ‘unsafe and not okay’ situations. ♥ Distinguish between people who are allowed or not allowed in their personal space. ♥ Listen to how their body feels around different people being in their space and the types of safe touch they feel okay with. ♥ Understand the difference between public and private parts of the body, and their correct terms. ♥ Identify the difference between safe and unsafe secrets. ♥ Identify safe grownups they can talk to when they feel unsafe. ♥ Keep telling safe grownups their concerns until someone listens and helps. ♥ Know that nothing is too small, embarrassing or bad to talk about if it makes them feel unsafe.

OTHER HELPFUL INFORMATION Act for Kids https://www.actforkids.com.au/

Daniel Morcombe Foundation https://www.recognisereactreport.com.au/

Constable Kenny https://www.constablekenny.org.au/parents/protective-behaviours/

Bravehearts https://bravehearts.org.au/education

True Relationships and Reproductive Health https://www.true.org.au/

Our Watch https://www.ourwatch.org.au/

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IF SOMEONE’S SAFETY IS AT IMMEDIATE RISK, PLEASE CALL EMERGENCY SERVICES ON 000.

CONTACT NUMBERS Bravehearts Information & Support Line: 1800 272 831 (Mon - Fri, 8:30 am - 4:30 pm) Crimestoppers: 1800 333 000 Victims Counselling and Support Services: 1300 139 703 Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800 Lifeline: 131 114 National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service: 1800 737 732 Parentline: 1300 301 300 Policelink: 131 444 Protect All Children Today (PACT): 1800 449 632 ReportCyber: 1300 292 371 Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120 Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

USEFUL LINKS Act for Kids: www.actforkids.com.au Beyond Blue: www.beyondblue.org.au ESafety Commissioner: www.esafety.gov.au Headspace: www.headspace.org.au Legal Aid: https://info.australia.gov.au/information-and-services/public-safety-and-law/legal-aid ReportCyber: www.cyber.gov.au/acsc/report True Relationships: www.true.org.au

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For more information please call 1300 228 000 or visit our website actforkids.com.au mail@actforkids.com.au PO Box 1844, Milton, Qld 4064 ABN 98 142 986 767