Your Child and Family

When your child talks about what has happened

First responses can be hard to manage. You may be unsure about how you responded to the conversation or wish you had done things differently. Your child may disclose more information about what happened over time. Any time a child shares information about sexual abuse, please use the following as a guide to respond:

♥ Stop what you are doing and listen carefully. ♥ Remain as calm as possible. ♥ Reassure them that they are doing the right thing by telling; recognise their bravery. ♥ Reassure your child that they are NOT responsible for the abuse. ♥ Let your child talk in their own words and at their own pace. Let them tell you what they are ready to talk about. ♥ Asking questions may change the type of, or how much information, your child is willing to share.

It may also impact how the criminal justice systems view this information and its validity. You can ask questions to determine the immediate safety needs of your child. Limit these to open-ended questions like the ones below. ♥ Avoid promises that can’t be kept, for example “I won’t tell anyone” or “That person will go to jail and you will never have to see them again”. ♥ Tell your child what you plan to do next. ♥ If the person who enacted the sexual abuse against your child is over the age of 18 years avoid any contact with them. ♥ If the person who sexually harmed your child is another child in your home, circumstances will look different. It will be important to work with the key support services shown on page 02 to identify how you can manage the safety within your home. Safety planning could be a good place to start (see page 12 of this booklet).

Letting someone know about sexual abuse is a process. Sometimes, as part of that process, a child might take back what they said and retract the disclosure. Some children will then later reaffirm what happened to them, others will not. This does not mean the abuse didn’t happen. Retracting disclosures can be a normal part of the disclosure process.

Reasons why a child may not tell

How did I not know?

There are many reasons why a child may be worried to tell people what has happened to them.

Some factors may be:

♥ age/development stage. ♥ cultural or linguistic background. ♥ fear, anxiety or worry about what will happen after they tell. ♥ the feeling that they may need to protect someone else. ♥ their safety or someone else’s safety may have been directly threatened. ♥ they worry they won’t be believed.

The person who has harmed your child may have used many different tactics to have access to your child. This process, called ‘grooming’, occurs in such a way that it is often very difficult to see the signs. The grooming process may have occurred over a short, medium or long period of time.

Some grooming strategies include:

♥ gaining the child’s trust or the trust of parents/carers. ♥ making the child feel special. ♥ isolating the child from family and friends. ♥ slow boundary violation eg. touching a child’s arm, using ‘play fighting’. ♥ intimidating the child. ♥ talking about secrecy (as a game or accompanied with intimidation/threats). ♥ shaping the child’s perception eg. “this is what you do with people you love”. ♥ setting up the physical environment so that the abuse can occur. ♥ physical contact that may not appear ‘sexual’, such as touch, play, tickle games. ♥ non-physical contact, such as showing children sexual pictures or chatting to them online.

TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILD,

yourself and other family members

YOUR CHILD

♥ Not all children who have been abused will experience trauma. Every circumstance is different and every child is different. ♥ Notice any change (increase, decrease, fluctuation) in your child’s independence, mood or behaviour including: feelings, sleep habits, appetite, toileting, attention span, body image, socialising or sexually-related behaviour. ♥ Your child may also experience ‘triggers’ – times when our senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch trigger a memory or a flashback of an experience. A flashback is when you feel like you are experiencing a past memory in the present moment. ♥ Allow hope about the future for your child and family. A parent’s belief that their child will recover after sexual abuse can help with positive outcomes for their children. ♥ If you are worried about your child, you might like to consider what support options are available to them, as described later in this booklet (see Counselling and Other Supports on page 11).

YOU

♥ You may experience a variety of different feelings at different times. These might include worry, anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, sadness, helplessness and betrayal. You may also want to change your child’s social and community connections or worry that all people are a risk to your child/ren’s safety. ♥ If you have personally experienced sexual abuse or assault, this may trigger memories or flashbacks for yourself. ♥ If you are worried about how you have been impacted, or would like support for yourself so you feel more able to support your child, you might like to consider what support options are available to you, as described later in this booklet.

YOUR FAMILY

♥ Sexual abuse can impact the whole family. ♥ Your child’s siblings may feel a variety of different feelings: guilt for not protecting their sibling, anger or confusion that they may no longer be able to see someone they are close to, worry that the abuse will happen to them or others. ♥ Keep daily routines the same – as much as possible. ♥ Continue activities that are enjoyable for your child and family. ♥ Be kind and gentle with yourself and other family members. ♥ Allow space and time for healing. ♥ Have someone to talk to; whether it be a trusted family member, friend or professional – you don’t need to go through this alone. ♥ If another child in your care is behaving with some worrying sexual behaviours it may be important to access counselling support for this child. (see Counselling and Other Supports on page 11). ♥ To understand more about sexual development and the difference between normal development and worrying behaviour, there is some good information on what to look for and how to respond on:

True Relationships and Reproductive Health https://www.true.org.au/ Check out the information on the Traffic Lights resources. Also the Traffic Lights App is available for iPhones (cost $1.49)