The Hangover

THE HANGOVER by Gavin Mac Leoid Humphreys

Pealaig Farm Dingwall IV15 9TY phone: 0787 32 444 92 e-mail: humphreys@ymail.com

A GIRL, RHONA, 20, IS SINGING TO HERSELF IN A SHOWER IN THE BACKGROUND. A MAN, STEVIE, EARLY 20S, WAKES UP AND GROANS.

STEVIE:

Oh... My head....

Where am I? Whose bed am I in?

(SUDDENLY) I had a hat!

I came back here with....

SINGING IN SHOWER STOPS, AND SHOWER DOOR OPENS.

That must be her in the bathroom - whatever her name was.

That's her clothes on the chair – oo la la! I remember her when she... She must've been what? Twenty?

My mouths as dry as cork.

Did we sleep together? She sounds happy – hopefully that means I didn't do anything too bad last night.

BED SHEETS GOING BACK

Right. Where's my jacket.. ah! My wallet? There. Forty pence left.

-1-

There was a car, I remember getting into a car... was it a taxi? My phone! No, I never took my phone, it's OK...

Oh... I liked that hat.

OK. How am I going to work out where I am? Big double bed. The flat looks tidy. It's a bloody nice flat actually.

(LOYD GROSSMAN IMPRESSION) Who would live in a house like this?

WALKS TO WINDOW. PULLS BACK CURTAIN.

Oooo, too bright!

CURTAIN CLOSES

I don't recognise this area at all. Well, we're still in the city anyway.

BATHROOM DOOR OPENS. RHONA ENTERS AND STARTS GETTING DRESSED.

RHONA:

Good morning! Did I wake you? I hope you don't mind I'm wearing this dressing gown?

STEVIE:

No not at all!

(ASIDE) She is as gorgeous. How did I manage that?

RHONA:

Have you seen my..? Oh, here it is.

-2-

STEVIE:

(ASIDE) She probably wants me to leave.

Do you want me to leave?

RHONA:

What do you mean?

STEVIE:

I just thought... Never mind.

RHONA:

I helped myself to cereal, hope that's ok, Stevie?

STEVIE:

That's fine, I'm not that hungry. You were eating cereal in the...? (STOPPING HIMSELF SHORT) Good time last night?

(ASIDE) (PULLING ON TROUSERS) What was her name?!

Where's my shirt?

RHONA:

Excellent! Mmm, this cereal – nyum, nyum! Come through to the kitchen, I'll make us coffee.

RHONA WALKS AWAY. STEVIE FOLLOWS.

STEVIE:

I need water...

RHONA:

Where is the coffee?

STEVIE:

How would I know?!

RHONA:

You're so funny!

-3-

STEVIE:

Am I? (POURING WATER) Thank goodness – water! (DRINKS) So where is this flat?

RHONA:

(LAUGHS) Well, you seemed to know the way last night when we came here!

STEVIE:

Did I? (TRYING NOT TO SHOW HIMSELF UP) Haha, yeah.

So I've been here before?

RHONA:

I certainly hope so! (LAUGHS LOUDLY)

RHONA POURS THE COFFEES

STEVIE:

(ASIDE) I wonder if she knows I don't remember anything.

So, erm...

AKWARD SILENCE. TOASTER POPS UP.

RHONA:

Mmmm toast, nyuma nyuma nyuma!

STEVIE:

I was wondering, if you remember, did you see me with a hat last night..?

BEFORE SHE CAN ANSWER THERE IS A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.

(GROAN) That's the last thing I need. My poor head!

KNOCKING. NOONE ANSWERS.

-4-

Stop. I'm dying. (ASIDE) Why's she not answering the door? Is she trying to make me suffer.

KNOCKING

(ASIDE) Who's there? Her boyfriend?

KNOCKING

(ASIDE) Her husband?

RHONA SPREADS TOAST

(ASIDE) My god what have I got myself into?

SILENCE

RHONA:

(LOW) Do you know who that was?

STEVIE:

Who was it?

RHONA:

Sounded like somebody was angry. (LAUGHS)

STEVIE:

(AWKWARD LAUGH) Yeah.

RHONA:

(EATS TOAST) Got yourself in trouble?

STEVIE:

I hope not!

-5-

KNOCKING BEGINS AGAIN. THEY LISTEN, THEN STEVIE PIPES UP.

STEVIE:

(LOW) Well aren't you going to answer it?

RHONA:

(LOW) No way! You answer it.

STEVIE:

(LOW) We could just pretend we're not in, if you prefer.

MORE KNOCKING

STEVIE:

(ASIDE) Is it the police? A debt collector?

(PAUSE) Maybe they've gone..

SILENCE (ASIDE) Maybe it was something I did last night – I can't remember, it could have been!

(LOW) Are you hiding something?

RHONA:

Do you want me to? Listen.

DISTANT FOOTSTEPS GETTING FURTHER.

STEVIE:

Look I've never told a girl this before, but you scare me.

RHONA:

I scare you?! Stevie, you're the one pale as a sheet with bloodshot eyes. You look like something out of Night of the Living Dead.

-6-

STEVIE:

Right, well let's just ignore it!

(PAUSE) More toast?

(ASIDE) Drugs? Wouldn't surprise me the way she went last night. I nearly fell off the dance floor.

So, ermm – boyfriend?

RHONA:

It would be a bit late to ask that! Toast would be good.

Girlfriend?

STEVIE:

Nooo!

RHONA:

Don't quite know what do make of you.

STEVIE:

Of me? I don't even know what your job is?

RHONA:

I'm in business.

STEVIE:

Really? (ASIDE) Mafia?

RHONA:

Kinda through the government.

STEVIE:

(ASIDE) Spy!

RHONA:

What do you do yourself?

STEVIE:

I erm, work for.. I fly helicopters.

-7-

RHONA:

You said you were a fireman last night, Stevie.

STEVIE:

Oh? Well, yeah, sure, in my err, spare time, you know..

Has he gone away now yet? Shouldn't I make an exit?

RHONA:

You want to leave me here?

STEVIE:

Do you need me to protect you?

RHONA:

Why would I need you to protect me?

STEVIE:

Are you in some trouble?

RHONA:

You mean the person at the door? No one even knows that I'm here.

STEVIE:

No one? Then why didn't you answer it?

RHONA:

Why didn't you answer it? And your head must be a hell of a soar that you don't even remember where you work.

Helicopter pilot - go away...!

STEVIE:

What?

RHONA:

Do you not remember yet?

I know where you work - you were in charge of me "back in The Nan".

STEVIE:

"The Nan"?

-8-

RHONA:

I did work experience with you in Comunn "nan" Gaidheal last year. (PAUSE) Rhona. My name's Rhona.

STEVIE:

"The Nan"! Ah... Rhona! I mean, the same Rhona?

RHONA:

And I thought you didn't remember my name...

STEVIE:

Of course I did, it's just it's still so surprising to see you after these years. You look so different.

RHONA:

Different?

STEVIE:

Your hair.

RHONA:

What's different about my hair?

STEVIE:

It's em... the... shape. So I'm gonna leave before whoever that was comes back.

RHONA:

But surely you'll have to come back here tonight.

STEVIE:

Tonight? You'd like me to come back tonight.

RHONA:

Well, you'd have to. Where else are you going to sleep?

STEVIE:

Really? Oh... ha! Oh, I've spilt my coffee.

RHONA:

Right...

KNOCKING

-9-

STEVIE:

(LOW) Oh no.

RHONA:

(LOW) Answer it.

STEVIE:

(LOW) You go.

RHONA:

(LOW) Go away.

STEVIE:

Why don't you?!

RHONA:

Well, it's your flat!

STEVIE:

What?!

RHONA:

You are pretty weird not answering your own door in your own flat..!

STEVIE:

But it's your flat!

RHONA:

What?!

STEVIE:

This isn't my flat.

TOASTER POPS UP

RHONA:

Then whose is it?

STEVIE:

Yours!

RHONA:

(LAUGHS) Now I've spilt my coffee. (LAUGHS)

- 10 -

STEVIE:

So neither of us know where we are right now. There is some mad guy banging on the door to get in. And you are eating toast?!

RHONA:

o, laca, laca, laca.. this toast is good! (SINGING) Strawberry jam, spread it over...

STEVIE:

Do you not get it? This is serious!

RHONA:

Don't look at me. You are the one who told the taxi driver to come here.

STEVIE:

Me?

RHONA:

(EATING TOAST) You had the key and you opened the door.

STEVIE:

What?!

TAKES KEYS OUT OF POCKET.

The only keys I have are these for my flat and...

RHONA:

Yes?

STEVIE:

The address wasn't 133 Links Steet, by any chance?

RHONA:

I think that was it.

- 11 -

STEVIE:

My boss's spare flat keys! He gave them to me to look after when he left.

RHONA:

Is you boss still Mr MacDonald?

STEVIE:

It is. And he was due back today! I am an idiot.

RHONA:

Then he's at the door.

STEVIE:

Ooooh...

RHONA:

You are an idiot! What shall we do?

STEVIE:

Cupboard?

OPENS CUPBOARD. TRIES TO GET IN. CLOTHES HANGERS ETC. DOOR CLOSES.

Right come on, get in.

RHONA:

It's tight in here.

STEVIE:

Ooo! Hehe. It's no time for that!

RHONA:

You don't like the danger, hmm? He'll find us in here anyway, clever kid.

STEVIE:

You're right

OPENS CUPBOARD DOOR.

- 12 -

The window?

RHONA:

Three floors up?

STEVIE:

Is that where we are? Erm.

OPENS WINDOW.

STEVIE:

Maybe I can get out onto this ledge. (CLIMBS OUT)

RHONA:

Don't be crazy. Wait there!

STEVIE:

What? Is somebody coming?

RHONA:

No, just, I need to get my camera.

STEVIE:

Ahh! (PIPE BREAKING AND WINDOW SMASHING) The pipes coming off! Help me.

RHONA:

Stevie! What on earth are you trying to do?

STEVIE:

Help me back in... Rhona!

Thank you.

Right. I have another plan. Let's pretend we're thieves!

RHONA:

Right...

STEVIE:

If we had masks on then he wouldn't know who we were. If only I still had my hat.

- 13 -

RHONA:

I have a hat...

STEVIE:

That's pink!

RHONA:

Well?

STEVIE:

Criminals don't wear pink.

RHONA:

We're not criminals!

STEVIE:

We are! Well, we are now...

RHONA:

We're gonna have to mess the place up a bit in that case.

(RIPPING A CUSHION AND LAUGHING)

STEVIE:

What are you doing?!

RHONA:

You've broken the window already – that's good.

STEVIE:

You're enjoying this!

RHONA:

I never liked the man anyway.

STEVIE:

Great. Now it will look like somebody broke in, ripped a cushion, spilt coffee everywhere and had a shower!

RHONA:

Right so basically let's go.

KNOCKING.

- 14 -

STEVIE:

Oh no, he's back.

RHONA:

Here put this bed sheet over you.

STEVIE:

What?

FLAPPING OF SHEET

RHONA:

At the worst he'll think we're a couple of crazies. Let's go, open the door!

STEVIE:

But he's outside.

RHONA:

Let's go!

STEVIE:

Ok...

STEVIE OPENS DOOR. INTAKES OF BREATH.

RHONA:

You're not Mr MacDonald.

MAN:

Pardon? I'm the doorman – a taxi driver left this for you last night... Why weren't you answering the door?

STEVIE:

My hat! Brilliant.

MAN:

Why have you got a sheet over you?

RHONA:

(BURSTING THROUGH) Run!

STEVIE:

(RUNNING) Arghghghg...

- 15 -

RHONA:

Hahahaha, quicker.

MAN:

(DISTANT) Wait, stop!

STEVIE:

(AS THEY RUN AWAY) I take it you'll never want to see me again?

RHONA:

Are you joking? This was great fun. I'll see you again tonight, yeah?!

STEVIE:

Ermm...

END

- 16 -