Inside the Recovery Community Issue #3

Inside the

Recovery Community Issue 3

Sunset, Sea and Turtles Musa’s Great Run

Interview with Hani

November 2014

Inside the Recovery Community Copyright Š 2014 by Purify Your Gaze

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system.

The articles in this newsletter are for general educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice or instruction. The information provided should not serve as a substitute for professional medical care.

Published by: Purify Your Gaze, 27525 Puerta Real STE 100-333, Mission Viejo, CA 92691 Website: www.PurifyYourGaze.com Email: info@purifyyourgaze.com

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Contents November 2014

Editorial

3

I could be grateful for...

5

Interview With Hani

6

Sunset Sea and Turtles

11

C Seven

13

Adventures In Recovery: Fundamentals

18

Adventures In Recovery: Forgiveness

21

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Editorial Zeyad Ramadan CEO & Founder of Purify Your Gaze Bismillah Al-Rahman Al-Raheem This past month I had a refreshing session with a Purify Your Gaze member and at the heart of our conversation was the question: how is it that we find significance and feelings of esteem?

He had found himself in the holding pattern of I will finally feel enough and love myself fully when I land my dream job related to my doctorate degree.

This dream is being sabotaged by an incredibly difficult job market where such opportunities are sparse but moreover what we highlighted on our call was even if he got this dream job, it was just getting his foot in the door.

It wouldn’t be for another five or six years where after evaluation he would be given the esteemed title that he was looking for.

That when for you could be “when I finally have persistent and continued sobriety” or “when I finally achieve ____”, or “when my parents say or do___”.

It doesn’t really matter what the magical destination is exactly.

Often times the experience for many individuals on this “light at the end of the tunnel” path get to that magical destination and find themselves feeling tremendously disappointed and wondering, “Is this it?”

More often than not instead of changing course, we make that mistake thinking that whatever dream we 3 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community

set was not noble or high enough and therefore we have to set an even greater and more noble goal that assuredly will have that payoff we were waiting for.

The two big questions on our call were: Are you willing to invest yourself down this path that may or may never happen to finally feel good enough?

What will you continue to sacrifice in pursuit of this dream that has not been worth sacrificing?

With some sadness and grief in his voice he answered, “no it’s not worth the wait”.

He was beating himself up continuously, he was missing out on this priceless period in his life where his three daughters are young and want to play with their daddy.

He was sacrificing and squandering the prime years of his life.

You see the problem is not with having high aspirations or dreams, there is something beautiful about having a strong vision that moves your soul; but where we often fall short is in the belief that working hard and sacrifice equates to not experiencing happiness and joy until we ever get to _____.

We isolate ourselves, we withdraw from others, we get hard on ourselves, and we sacrifice joy in the name of our righteous pursuit. That is one way to feel significant but the payoff is not too great.

Our significance has to come from something that

“We isolate ourselves, we withdraw from others, we get hard on ourselves, and we sacrifice joy in the name of our righteous pursuit. That is one way to feel significant but the payoff is not too great.� could never be taken away from us or hinges on something external to us changing or happening.

The conversation between us ended on the question of: how can he be happy and experience joy now?

How can he be enough now?

That shift is what allows us to recognize that the payoff does not come with that esoteric light at the end of the dark tunnel, that payoff comes when we ourselves

become that light that continuously shines the way for ourselves and for others on this journey.

The magic is in the journey and not the destination.

When we can experience, when we can live, when we can love, when we can share NOW inspite of whatever resistance, setback, hurt we experience that is where the reward is.

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I could be grateful for...

Members of the PYG Community talked about resentment and gratitude during the Sobreity Mastermind calls last month. Imran had us answer three questions on the call, sharing that there is no right answer, only possibility to open our eyes to feel Allah’s blessing.

It is encouraged to practice answering these questions on a daily basis to let our resentment melt away over time, and to experience joy.

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Gratitude Exercise 1. What could you be grateful for?

2. What about that makes you grateful?

3. How does that make you feel?

Member’s Only

Sobriety Mastermind: A peer lead conference call connecting our members, keeping them intouch with their recovery every week

Interview with Hani Hani has been very productive and in active recovery mode getting a lot of things done. He's got a lot of fresh positive energy about him ma sha' Allah. In this interview we discuss his coaching experience.

Favourite Quote

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t - you’re right.”

Henry Ford

Let’s start with your quit date, August 8th. Can you share some insights into the significance of a quit date in your recovery?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. In other words, the journey to sexual recovery doesn’t begin until you take that first step of setting a quit date. There is a sense of power and accomplishment everyone feels when they make a decision that could change their lives forever, and I felt the same way when I set my quit date. Your quit date is a proclamation to the world and to yourself that “I’m done being my old self, and I want to transform into the [man or woman] I want to be!”

A lot of energy has been going into your recovery in terms of implementing changes. Where’s this energy or motivation coming from?

This question reminds me of the analogy of a power plant. These plants don’t have energy, they generate it. Take a moment to read that sentence again.

If you view yourself as a power plant, then it becomes clear that you need to generate your own energy and motivation. Think back to what motivated you to join the PYG community. Was it to improve your relationship with your spouse?

Was it to become a better, more practicing Muslim? Was it to strengthen your connection with Allah? Find what brought you to PYG in the first place and use that as your source of motivation.

In my case, my motivation stems from my desire to transform into a Muslim who is in control of his sexuality and seeks a deep, intimate connection with his Lord.

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Describe a critical boundary or life style change you have implemented that is a game changer in your recovery?

As I was going through the training videos I discovered the two times I acted out the most - in the early morning and late at night. It was quite obvious that if I wished to make a change in my life, it would have to take place at these two times.

After a few weeks of hard work, I’ve now made it a habit to wake up at 5 AM and sleep at 9 PM every single day. My mornings are now filled with the dhikr (remembrance) of Allah which includes reciting Qur’an and praying Fajr in congregation at a local mosque. As for my evenings, I make sure to turn off my phone before going to bed. The results I’ve experienced in my recovery have been phenomenal, and I plan to keep these habits for a long, long time.

What was your most challenging hot seat and why?

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It must have been either my first or second hot seat with brother Zeyad. During our initial consultation he helped me identify a number of blind spots which would’ve taken me years on my own to ever realize. We decided to focus on these blind spots for my recovery. They were emotional vulnerability and connecting with Allah. What made the first (or second) hot seat challenging was the fact I couldn’t describe or define what these terms meant to me, and it initially led to confusion on my part.

Confusion is good, where’s this phenomena coming from, and how is that so?

Continuing on from the previous answer, after a series of questions from Zeyad over the phone, I realized that I didn’t properly understand what connecting with Allah really meant. When he revealed to me that the term ‘salah’ came from the root word “silah’, which means to connect, I was astounded. Throughout my entire life I only viewed worship and connecting with Allah as

simply rituals such as reciting Qur’an, praying five times a day, and fasting in the month of Ramadan.

I held on to this belief for years simply because this was what I observed from everyone around me. Yet I never made the effort to dig deeper to understand what true worship really meant.

recovery as learning to deepen my connection with Allah requires that I learn to be fully present in the moment with Him. It’s tough to define in a sentence or two, and my understanding of the term is evolving over time as I continue on my recovery journey.

Share a BIG aha moment you got from another member’s hot seat?

On a lighter note, you told ustadh Zeyad he’s a funny guy, share the joke with us.

One brother used to complain that his current situation was a result of how weak his father was, and how his father wasn’t growing as a person.

He was waiting for others around him to change before he motivated himself to change. By the end of the call he changed his way of thinking, stepped outside of his comfort zone, and made the decision to transform himself without asking for permission from others. He didn’t wait for someone to say, “Okay, now you can change and grow as a person.” He demanded it of himself and took the first steps to make it a reality. It was a moment of power for this brother as he was speaking with Zeyad, and it was a moment of inspiration for me as I listened in on the conversation.

Aside from asking tough questions, that man can be quite the comedian when he wants to be. During one of my hot seats I was faced with a number of tough questions that left me scratching my head. Some of the toughest ones I’ve been asked were (1) How do you connect with Allah in your everyday life? (2) What does it mean to be fully present? And a personal favourite, (3) How does this relate to being vulnerable and showing my emotions? After admitting I didn’t have an answer I jokingly remarked, “You’re really good at asking tough questions” to which he replied “That’s my job.” We both chuckled.

You have been working on vulnerability, your connection with Allah, and the two letter word, “Be”. What’s this all about? How does it connect to your recovery?

Shortly after joining PYG I realized that I rarely opened up with others about my problems or challenges, hence the focus on becoming more vulnerable. Secondly, I always viewed worship as simply rituals without understanding the underlying essence of it all, hence the focus on my connection with Allah. Both themes are related to one another as a Muslim comes closer (or connects) to Allah as he/she fully submits to Him, and vulnerability is a part of submission, a part that I’m working to improve. The word “be” ties into my

What is your favourite quote in recovery?

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t -- you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford This is a quote often used by self-help experts when they talk about the power of attitude and belief. Often the biggest factor between success and failure is our own mindset. If you convince yourself that success is attainable, you will find your actions will fall in line with that belief and you will do everything you can to make that success a reality. On the other hand, if you believe sexual sobriety is a pipe dream, then your mind will do everything it can to work against you and make it impossible to ever succeed.

It’s the correct mindset that counts.

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Happy

Birthday Member’s Only

May this next year in your life be one of closeness to Him, breakthroughs in the areas you care about, and deeply felt joy!

From Purify Your Gaze 9 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community

5

The Road to Honesty in Marriage

Interview

Sulaiman With

Listen to br. Javed interview br. Waleed Ever wondered how you could ever tell your future spouse about your sex addiction recovery?

“You have to go into marriage without any smokescreens... and without a mask”, that is the lesson br. Waleed took to heart, disclosure had to happen. In this audio interview, br. Jameel and br.

Sulaiman go a little deeper to bring home the possibility and importance of disclosure to one’s spouse.

Sunset, Sea, & Turtles

Musa’s Great Run As part of the AIR Fundamentals challenge, Musa took up exercising as a daily self care item. This is what he shared with us in the Community Forum; let's call it Musa's great run. His energy is cantagious!

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@BrightStarr : guess what? I ran for 30 minutes today!!!

With breaks of just walking or jogging, of course!

But I must share the entire story with you guys. It’s amazing. So I talked to Ustadh Zeyad about sports and exercise and the negative connotations I associate with these things. Ustadh asked me to name making bodily movement something else, something which I did not associate obnoxious things with. I ended up selecting the name ‘running’ because I have pleasant memories of running around just playing with my cousins and I do know that just running did sometimes give me a euphoric burst.

Anyways so I committed to running every day. It was my first day today and I went to the beach. I ran amongst the trees in the picnic area adjacent to the beach and jumped over a barricade. That made me giggle. I don’t jump very often you see. It felt so liberating. I could have just hugged and swung around the trees. But that’ll be for another day. By the way they were just magnificently huge!

I went up to the border of the park which was a margin of heaped sand, slightly uphill. I climbed up and there it was, stretching in front of me for miles and miles, the endless sea and the seemingly endless beach. It was close to sunset. Never had I realised how absolutely humongous the beaches in my city were.

So I ran on the sand. It was just crazy fun. I set a goal to

run up to a particular tree which was quite a distance away. I couldn’t run all the way so just jogged the last few metres. And then at quite a distance from me I saw a big bunch of coloured objects on the shore. I thought they were buoys at first. When I went a little closer, they turned out to be people--50 or so (thankfully) fully clothed people. I decided to investigate and what I found out was a delightful surprise. The people had all come to witness the releasing of recently hatched baby turtles into the sea. They were so tiny and soooooooooo cute! Subhanallah!

Since Ustadh says that nothing is a coincidence, I 100% believe that these were rewards that Allah (swt) had prepared for me for running. Perhaps to motivate me to run more. Well I did make the intention that I was running for him, so I could be a healthier and thus a better Muslim. I could have so easily decided to ignore the group and run past them instead of towards them!

I was reciting the tasbih Rasulullah (S) taught Juwairiya (R) all. Its my favourite and arguably the best form of glorification.

Running so far across the beach meant that I had to run an equal distance back. I later realised that perhaps the beach I had chosen was not a very good place because, and here comes the the weird bit, it’s very close to the nudist beach . And, as I’ve learnt through relapses, I can never trust myself. Sheesh!

Sorry for hijacking this thread but I had to share this somewhere. BTW, this is Day 2!

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In their own words

C Seven Connecting through tears and laughter, our C brothers found each other in their darkest moments.We hear from Abdullah, Jameel, and Talha. Miracles happen.

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The PYG sign by members of the C Seven

Talha “We have been meeting for about a year, but I feel like we have known each other for a lifetime.�

Starting in January of 2014, Allah blessed the C 7 with the opportunity to come together and meet in person.

Organically, we realized through interactions on the Forum and AIR Challenge calls that we had previously met one another. A voice seemed familiar. There was mention of an Islamic conference. The pieces slowly came together and here we are alhamdulillah: seven of us who live in proximity to each other.

One of my favorite memories with the group was a hiking trip we took to a state park. We met up for Fajr at the masjid on an early August morning, packed the car and drove up together. The day included plenty of opportunities to laugh, discuss important issues in our recovery journeys, and make connections with each

other. All with the backdrop of a beautiful lake and rocky terrain. It was by far one of the best experiences of my life.

I have been blessed with various groups of friends in my life. But nothing can compare to the C 7. We have been meeting for about a year, but I feel like we have known each other for a lifetime. I am thankful to Allah for blessing me with their company. I am also grateful to PYG and Ustadh Zeyad for providing a means for us to come together. And finally, I am forever in debt to my brothers Muhammad, Jameel, Millstone Rebel, Abdullah, Fouad, and Salman. I love you all for the sake of Allah.

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Abdullah “Each of us brings something unique to the group such as ruthless honesty, hospitality, insight, analysis, energy and humor” The C 5…then 6…and now 7. Looking back, we were individuals who were at very different levels in our recovery. Some of us had been in the program for years while others were just starting off. The power of companionship took charge when we connected less than a year ago, and we soared further than we ever have. The amount of things that we’ve been able to achieve as a group is incredible. Some of them include breaking isolation with community leaders, going for individual therapy, achieving months and months of sobriety, cultivating a culture of recovery and ruthless honesty, placing boundaries, and most of all cherishing each other’s company.

Yes, it has not been all flowers and rainbows.

We’ve had moments of conflict and ill feelings,

but this is the nature of true companionship; i.e. that we are ruthlessly honest and confront each other if needed. We can remove all our masks and be ourselves. Furthermore, the group had to grow and is still growing. We saw the negative impact of coasting as a group a few months back, but we recommitted to our goals. Each of us brings something unique to the group such as ruthless honesty, hospitality, insight, analysis, energy and humor. Some may call our meeting a coincidence.

However, it was a carefully calculated decision by the All-Mighty, the Most-Wise. I may never be able to truly comprehend this blessing from him due to the countless blessings that will come from this companionship. All praise and thanks are for Allah, the Nurturer of everything that exists.

Jameel “The flame of hope had been lit. The years of struggling in isolation had finally ended. ” Although so much could be shared about how C 7 came about, I thought I’d write about its early formation and how the miracles came into my life just when I needed them most. I use the word miracle because the series of events that had to come together for us to form came through in such quick succession through such unlikely avenues that most of us went from desperately struggling in isolation to suddently having a vibrant and growing support group within a matter of a couple months. Not only was the formation miraculous but so were the effects it was having 15 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community

on all of us.

It was around December of 2013 that I was approaching rock bottom. My acting out was consuming more and more of my life, and the feelings of shame and desperation were reaching a fever pitch. There were moments of such strong resolve never to act out again followed immediately by relapse that I began to doubt if I’d ever recover. My father had injured his back and was in severe pain, unable to walk without assistance (Alhumdulillah he made a full recovery). He

was my rock since I was a child. Seeing him lying in bed, frail and in pain shook me deeply. Having to help him walk to the bathroom and help him drink water was something I simply wasn’t prepared for mentally.

I remember I was driving in my car to pick up pain medication for him when he came home from the ER. It was a dark, drizzly, and strangely discomforting night. I coincidentally passed by the apartment that my parents brought me home to after I was born, and as I drove further I passed the apartment I grew up in as a child, and I slowly became flooded with memories of my childhood and having my parents there and at the same time confronted with the fear of seeing my father weak and immobilized and realizing that they will someday leave me, and I will be alone to face the

world. The scared child within wasn’t ready to accept that. It didn’t want my parents to grow old and someday abandon me. On the drive back as the memories were flooding me, I broke down in my car while driving and began to weep uncontrollably. I prayed to Allah (SWT) from the center of my chest, from a part of me that I didn’t know that voice and feelings could emanate from, asking Him to take care of me and help me, pleading with Him more as a child than a man. I told him just how scared I was, of everything, and the acting out was hollowing out my life to an empty shell.

I simply couldn’t carry the weight of all that was happening, and I cried like I had never cried before. Little did I know that within a few short weeks, miracles would be happening, one after another after another, Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 16

from directions I would have never imagined. I knew I had to break out of isolation and find support through someone in my vicinity but didn’t know where to go.

Alhumdulillah, the help I cried for that night was not far away.

The first sign that I wasn’t going to be in isolation for long was that I recognized the voice of Br. Abdullah on the AIR Challenge - Sign celebration event. He was a close friend of mine and who would soon become C3, the third member of our group. I realized that I would have to find the courage to reach out to him.

Around the same time, Br. MillstoneRebel (who would in a month become C4), had also been crying to Allah (SWT) in desperation for help and struggling in isolation, wrote a post called ‘Recover What?’. I noticed he mentioned the something familiar so I enquired if he was a student at a local Islamic class. I asked if he was going to attend the upcoming Islamic retreat, which he also confirmed. Br. Talha (who would very soon become C2) saw this and said that he would 17 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community

also be going. At that time none of us knew who any of us were and had no way of finding out. We also couldn’t have imagined that Br. AbuAmeenah would also be in attendance. The thought of attending the entire retreat with two other PYG members and never meeting them was difficult to come to terms with. My plan was to write ‘Millstone’ on my notebook and sit next to as many people as I could over the duration of the retreat, in the hopes that he would notice me. (As an aside, I did do this but to no avail. We would find him a month later, in the most unusual way.) However, after reflecting more carefully on things that Br. Talha had written on the forums, suddenly the realization dawned upon me that he was someone I knew and had interacted with before and I immediately e-mailed him. He replied and poured his heart out as did I. Tears flowed. It was a watershed moment for both of us. The flame of hope had been lit. The years of struggling in isolation had finally ended. But the story of C7 had only begun.

Adventures In Recovery

Fundamentals October 2014

Member’s Only Replay

B A C Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community 18

AIR Fundamentals The October AIR Challenge: to identify one fundamental self-care item

important to your recovery.

Complete the item daily, report to fellow members within 24 hours.

Each day checked will enter you into a raffle for a secret prize to be announced in the commemorative event.

Congratulations to all the members who completed AIR Fundamentals!

BrTwoThousand SrDove BrotherJameel Musa

SisterIqra Noor33 srMisbah

Muhammad Abdullah Br Martin Brightstarr

A shoutout to Sr. BrightStarr who completed all days of the challenge and won a well-deserved raffle prize! (A $75 Amazon voucher) Thanks BrightStarr for showing us how gentleness and flexibility make self-care so much easier.

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The Live Conversation “We’re going back to something that is very basic but at the same time very crucial.” @Abdullah describes what the Fundamentals challenge is all about.

“The point of this is to take out the guess work and give yourself a benchmark to measure yourself on” @br Zeyad explaining how focusing on a single fundamental simplifies the self-care process.

“Being really strict with myself…hasn’t really helped me. It’s just made everything more difficult in the past…I used this challenge as a way to be really nice to myself and to just give myself a lot of credit” @Brightstarr

“Not to take on too much and to be good at what I’m doing, I feel much more closeness to Allah subhanaHu wa ta’aala while I’m doing it, rather than being over ambitious and taking on too much…that has been the absolute key to the success and overcoming that trigger” @Abdulshakur

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Adventures In Recovery

Forgiveness November 2014 “Resentment is like taking a vial of poison, drinking it, and expecting the other person to die"

You may feel resentful, or hold a grudge toward an individual, an organisation, yourself, even our higher power, Allah. A quick glance in the Forum reveals we've no shortage of ill feelings toward others. It's robbing us of our happiness, and we deserve better.

We're going to be taking out a pen and paper and talking out loud to let go once and for all-- to purify our hearts from the ill feelings that stifle us from spiritual openness.

We'll be doing this in 8 steps detailed in the AIR Forgiveness thread in the Community Forum

Member’s Only This is the current AIR challenge Deadline: November 28th, 2014 21 Purify Your Gaze Inside the Recovery Community