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the poems and funniest quotes from



Why are you so annoyed that people want to live a little bit longer?


Because enoughs enough is what I’m sayin’. The worlds’ the same it‘s just gettin’ old and ya know it used to have more green on it but now its gone a bit bald so it hasn‘t got enough green, its got more soil.

Treat the world like a head. Ricky and Steve laugh


That’s an amazing quote.

Steve: ‘Treat the world like a head.’ Ricky:

You‘ve actually come up with one there.

treat the

world like a


Treat the world like a head


Would Suzanne like some art? ‘Suzanne’s not allowed to watch telly if it’s her favourite thing otherwise she’s got to talk to me about stuff.’ There‘s no art, there’s no point. Just wallpaper.


I’m just sayin’ we‘ve got three windows we can look out of.





Ricky laughs

Stop lookin! at the walls, look out the window.

stop lookin! at the walls, look out the


Stop lookin! at the walls, look out the window

Karl: So… Ricky: What do you mean, “I don’t know if I can get anything out of that”? You don’t need to!

Karl: No, it’s, it’s just that… Ricky: Where did you read that? Karl: That was on the Internet. Ricky: Oh! Well, yeah. Karl: Ahm… Steve: Y—you’re always unspeci—unspecific when you mention it, it’s just, “It was on the Internet.”

Ricky: Yeah. Karl: Well, I’m trying to think what I put in, I think I

confuse the computer. Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Karl: And then… Ricky: Karl! You are…! Karl: No, I did a… Ricky: No, honestly!

put in !Why! to see if I!d


I put in why to see if l could confuse the computer


What’s weird about it, what’s strange about an octopus with all the things that could...

Steve: What could be weirder than a dog? Karl:

Because it couldn’t be further away from us.

A dog has go human eyes Ricky laughs


If a jellyfish, honestly, if a jellyfish had a pair of eyes like ours, I’d prob ably wouldn’t worry about him that much. But like I said to you, it’s that way that they haven’t got eyes, they’re floating about. I can handle some fish, they look like us, they’ve got eyes, you can make eye to eye contact with ‘em. A jellyfish, what are you lookin’ at? It’s a snidey thing that I’ve said to ya. You can see a lot in eyes, do ya know what I mean, they say don’t trust him, why? It’s his eyes. Jellyfish haven’t even got any and I don’t trust ‘em. Where if it had ’em, maybe there’d be the odd one that I’d go,’ Ah that one’s alright.’


A dog has got human eyes

A dog has got human eyes


No, it’s just, you think about it you go, ‘Oh I couldn’t do that,’ but what they don’t mention on the TV programme - which I think takes it to the next level, right - is that they’re eating that stuff at, like, half past seven in the morning - which is worse, innit? If I was there and Ant and Dec said, ‘Right Karl, eat the knob’ I’d go, ‘Hang on a minute. Give us a few hours. Let me get some rice and that in me belly and just sort of fill myself up a little bit more. I’ll pop back at about half six this evening have it ready.’ And I’d be happier then.

Steve: You don’t want to eat animals’ private parts on an empty stomach? Ricky:

So what are you saying?


I’m saying


Just cut that there. We’ll loop that. If any DJs are listening, just take that quote ‘I could eat a knob at night’ by Karl Pilkington and maybe do a dance remix.

l could eat a knob at night.

Steve: Yes, maybe you are a house music producer and you could maybe get some high energy beat going and then we could send out that out to some of the gay clubs. I’m sure it would be really popular.


10 8




2 3

4 7




t ma

phan e ele



could eat a knob at night I could eat a knob at night

Dead artists! work shoots up in price So am I then wrong to surmise That the value of our flat will increase If our painter and decorator dies

I don!t know how to rest my ears They both sit there listening in It could be worse I could have four Just like a Siamese twin (Saying that, with four ears there!s No chance of over-sleeping.))

There!s nout there

It would be spiteful To put jellyfish in a trifle

Lots of smoke and strange folk Regular laughing at his own jokes Dog on a rope Fruit machine broke Old man in a corner who never spoke

In 1905 Einstein Came up with E = mc squared Yet in 2008 British Gas Still can!t get my boiler repaired Archimedes said !!Eureka!!!� With no hot water... I reeka!

!!Cavemen were stupid!! is what some say But they created the wheel and fire I!ve just paid 49 pounds for heating this month And 38 quid for a new tyre! Who!s stupid again??

Bank holiday Monday Bank holiday mundane No shops open Plenty of rain

Bubbled wallpaper,,what a mess. Washer dryer knackered,,what a mess. Siamese twins seperated,,one leg less.

I don!t like jellyfish,,they!re not a fish,,they!re just a blob. They don’t have eyes,,fins or scales like a cod. They float about blind, stinging people in the seas,, And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas. Get rid of !em.

If moths had eyes, would they be happier?? How do they know they!re not dead?? Cavemen hunting for food But not before they style the hair on their head What would last longer in dinosaur times?? A blind man didn!t stand a chance Not with all them rocks about Id rather be a blind moth

Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke, Who looked like Mr Burns from 'The Simpsons!.', Don!t know what was wrong with him,, But breaking wind was the symptoms. No one visited him or called him. He seemed quite lost to me. As well as wind problems,, He had a colostomy. When I left,, I said �see ya�"to the old man. Turned out the other fella wasn!t Chinese, He was from Japan. I never found out what was up with him.

For God!s sake, me belly ache The doctor said it!s me kidney He said he!s got to stick a tube up me knob I said you got to be kidding me For God!'sake, knob ache.

To save space in the seas Nature made fish into amputees Now sea levels are rising but I won!t complain Cos this gives fish room to grow limbs back again And I!m really looking forward To when this time comes To eating fish legs lightly sprinkled In golden breadcrumbs

Thousands of sheep fed up, So they jumped off cliff into bay. They shouldn't survive, But it just goes to show, Where there's wool there's a way

Rome wasn!t built in a day,, It just looks that way.


words by Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant & Karl Pilkington Illustrations by Chris Anderson

That's What I'm Sayin... Karl Pilkington  

That's What I'm Sayin... a book of some of Karl Pilkington's most funniest quotes and poems.

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