626 Capricorn Road (August 2018) by 626 Capricorn Road

626 CAPRICORN ROAD A C I D HEAT AUGUST 2018

A 92ARTIST Productions Publication

CONTENTS

pg 4 Message from the Editor/Credits pg 7 This Month’s Theme pg 8 MEMORY DESATURATED Fading Away pg 22 BURNT SEPIA Standing Amongst the Background

FEATURES pg 12 I Never Say I Love You Twice pg 34 Soaking Sidewalks with Tears of Heartbreak pg 54 Have You Ever Been Shocked Before? pg 64 I’ll Admit I’ve Been Wrong in the Past

pg 43 RED SOUL ABLAZE Heart on Fire pg 60 EGO MAGNIFIED Pride Times Two pg 68 SONGS THAT INSPIRED THIS ISSUE Our August Issue Playlist

WRITING pg 19 Is This What You Felt When You Left Me pg 27 Standing Still pg 47 Vintage Lullaby pg 50 She Wore Red on Her Sleeve and Black in Her Heart

MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR Hey everyone! My name is Ceirra Burton, and I am the creator and editor-in-chief of 626 Capricorn Road. Thank you so much for taking the time to read the August issue. 626 Capricorn Road is a magazine that is ever-changing and with this month’s issue, “Acid Heat”, I wanted to bring the spirit of the desert indoors and give it a dose of the California heat. I hope you guys enjoy the journey you are about to go on as you explore the artsy world of 626 Capricorn Road. Happy reading! Website: www.626capricornroad.com Instagram: @626capricornroad Tumblr: 626capricornroad.tumblr.com Twitter: @626CapRoad Facebook: 626 Capricorn Road Pinterest: 626capricornroad Photography by: Ceirra Burton Written Work by: Ceirra Burton

This Month’s Theme When you think of the words “Acid Heat”, what comes to mind? Something that sounds like it’s melting or corroded. From me this word combo is more than that. I wanted to take this issue to the desert or at least bring the desert indoors with the images and infuse the spirit of the desert into the writing. There’s something about the desert that makes you reflect on your life, both past and present, and provides you with a sense of clarity on things that may or may not have been out of your control. Being able to accept the things you cannot change and willing to move forward with what remains in your control is a common theme with the desert. Letting go and moving on takes courage especially during the summer heat. I wanted to bring those elements to this issue and I hope it comes through visually. So, without further ado, let’s melt away in “Acid Heat”.

- Ceirra Burton

Memory Desaturated

F a d i n g Awa y

I Never Say I Love You Twice

verything I wanted to say to you floated around my mind, but I couldn’t bring the words to my lips. They tangled up on my tongue but couldn’t escape my mouth. I’ve loved you from the moment I met you, but something inside me told me this wasn’t right. You and I didn’t belong together, and I didn’t have the heart to tell you how I honestly felt. I thought my actions were enough, but you always remarked how the words never fell out. How I would never show you the same affection, verbally. We supported each other, but our support fell flat when we needed it the most. I kept telling myself this time would be different. These words I wholeheartedly wanted to say to you would effortlessly tumble out of my mouth. This time I was wrong. It wasn’t your fault that I felt this way. I swear what I felt for you was pure, but it was those three little words that scared the shit out of me every time I tried to repeat them. Once was enough, or so I thought. Once was all it took for you to understand what you meant to me, but I realize now once was never enough. I tried searching elsewhere to see if there was a reason why I couldn’t bring myself to say it twice, but no one suited my taste. I always wondered how other people were able to say something I couldn’t duplicate to you. How they would be able to tell their partners, they loved them and meant it over and over again. We don’t want to be that couple who shows affection but doesn’t feel validated. We’ve sat down to work out our difficulties, and we discovered it wasn’t just me who was afraid those three little words. I think you were scared too. Scared of getting your heart broken again. The last time I had left, I prayed I wouldn’t go crawling back to you, but I couldn’t face the idea that we were unfinished. Now I see why we should have been. There’s no hope for the people who love selfishly yet are unwilling to act selflessly. It’s as if we’re two ghosts standing in front of each other, committed to a relationship that was never meant to succeed. Committed to a vow left unspoken with a promise of forever that will only end in a lifetime of waiting. Should I regret coming back to you? Do you regret giving us another chance? Do I wish that life would have been different that night we spat hate at each other? Do you want reconciliation? I ask these things because I don’t want to be the one to break us apart. I’ve done enough damage, so I want you to be the one to break my heart this time. How can I ask of you such a thing? It’s a truth I can’t bring myself to tell you, but if “I love you” doesn’t land the same way every time, do we truly mean it? I’m probably not making much sense to you right now, but it’s something that’s been plaguing my mind and making me feel as if everything from our past doesn’t make sense anymore. I want to be the person you aspire me to be, but I will never be the person you need. It’s only a matter of time before we both go stir crazy from a lack of romantic admissions. Poetic confessions spilling out of us and destroying all of the doubt that surrounds us. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know where to go from here. All I know is that looking back at what we’ve created; there’s one specific thing that connects everything, and that is I can never say I love you twice. 13

Is This What You Felt Like When You Left Me? A pair of knees slams violently against the concrete with tears spilling from eyes of guilt. It’s the worse pain she’s ever felt, and it was all because of you. The lies that lingered on your tongue then eloquently danced off your lips, it tore her to pieces. The remains of her heart fell into the cracks of the sidewalk carrying her weight. She cried endlessly to the heavens for a second chance, something wholly forbidden on the earth below. Empathy was nowhere to be found. Apathy drove madly through the streets then stopped alongside the road to offer her soul a ride to its next destination. As I witnessed the scene in front of me, something so familiar yet so distant. The feeling of love returned and hope reneged? It’s a strange sight to watch unfold. Is this what you felt like when you left me to repair the pieces of my heart That lay shattered on the ground? 19

BURNT SEPIA

STANDING AMONGST THE BACKGROUND

Standing Still

’ve always wondered how people were able to go through life without stopping to take a look around. It’s a very Ferris Bueller mind set, but that statement is very accurate. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to take a look around every once in awhile, you could miss it.” I’ve always gone through life as a fly on the wall. A wallflower that observes others like a shadow in the night, witnessing people going about their lives as if there were no pain or suffering in the world. It was as if they had turned a blind eye to all that was occurring outside their cozy bubble. The corrupted and the power-hungry taking over the world like a new fall trend. It amazed me how they could be so seemingly happy with their current situation when there are millions of people dying to take their place. The jubilant crowd who never knew what it was like to have their heart broken or betrayed by someone close to them as they fall for deception as quickly as a lost puppy looking for love. I never knew how many people would end up like that. How do you stay sane? As if life merely gives you a choice to be ignorant and remain unbiased. Why would you choose not to be informed? I’ve always stayed outside of the lines and never colored within them, out of the fear of being seen as seen as ordinary. I didn’t want to comply with rules. It’s hard to imagine living a life where you’re not influenced by what you see and hear in the media. It’s hard to imagine living a life where those influences don’t shape your beliefs. You bring them into your life and mix them with the lessons of your youth. I knew from a young age that I was different than everyone else. I guess that’s what happens when you become a creative type. You understand that the world is more than just black and white. Amongst the color, there is a gray area that grabs ahold of you and becomes your moral center of ambiguity. It’s in this area that you where you realize whether or not you agree with 27

the norm or you side with the outcasts. Sounds very philosophical, but you start to see how society can make you feel like your opinion is invalid if you do not agree with the majority. Take a look at some of your favorite celebrities and see when in their lives they stood up for what they believed in and how many times they had a moral awakening immediately afterward. Who were their influences and how did those influences get them to where they are now? I bet it wasn’t an easy road for them to be able to make up their mind about the world around them. You ever wonder how these thoughts come to mind as you look out towards the people in front of you and think if they’re thinking the same thing. There’s something about taking the time to step back watch people go about their day. Wondering what’s going through their mind and if they understand the devastation society has become and what the solutions are to fix it. Seeing other people’s lives pass you by makes you feel like you are a part of something bigger than you could have ever imagined, even if it’s something as simple as a person on their phone or walking their dog. You don’t know if something is going to happen that will drastically alter the course of their lives forever. I believe that is the most insightful thing I’ve learned about as a wallflower to the crowd. How standing still and becoming apart of the background will force you to pay attention to what’s going on in front of you.

Soaking Sidewalks with Tears of Heartbreak

t felt like another drunken night on the streets of West Hollywood. Looking for excitement to jump out at us like a lustful monster in the closet. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and I felt on top of the worldâ&#x20AC;Śuntil she texted me.

My ex who destroyed every part of my sanity and drained me of all the love I had to give to her, ruining me for anyone after her. She dared to flaunt her new fling via text with a picture conveying everything she perceived of me at that moment. To her, I was nothing more than a pleasurable amusement until something shinier came along. She was always like this when we were together. Always willing to hurt me in whatever way possible. Of all the nights for her to commit this taunting act, she would pick tonight when I was at the height of my flirtation with any pretty girl smiling in my direction. My attention was now on the woman who used to drove me insane with her antics. I shouldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve known she was capable of this, but to act upon it cut deeper. I walked around the neighborhood with tears gushing from my eyes. I suddenly felt myself drop to the ground in a rage, screaming at the universe for allowing this type of cruelty to interfere with my night. I crawled to a ledge attached to the building near me and sat for what felt like ages, letting everything out like a sleepless child. Deserted streets masked the sound of thumping music in the clubs nearby as cried silently to myself, wishing I had someone to comfort me. It was at this 35

moment that I realized I had a fatal type. The toxic ones whose dangerous flirtation lures you into their seductive web of lies and then turn on you as soon as you uncover their dirty secrets. I’ve fell for many people like her. People who made me believe that the love they expressed was pure and truthful, but in the end, it was just a way to break me down to where I become solely dependent on them. A giver by nature who is so willing to please that I don’t see what’s happening until it’s too late. It was time for me to break the cycle and cut ties with the viciousness of toxic lovers. I didn’t want to believe it was possible. Maybe it was the alcohol flowing through my body, but my anger had reached tenfold. I knew if I suppressed my rage, the remainder of my night would end in a blackout and start a nuclear war I knew I would never win. I had no choice but to stay on that ledge, cry into the night like a newborn out of the womb. Praying for all the emotions simmering at the surface would go away by morning, so I can find the strength to begin again with someone new.

RED SOUL ABLAZE

HEART ON FIRE

Vintage Lullaby A record spinning on repeat in the background. Faint sounds of passion blaring through the speakers. We’ve made it this far darling, and it amazes me every day how my love for you is ever-growing. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way. You were the first person to drive me insane. To steal my senses and replace them with love-sick morals. You are my world, and I’ll happily orbit around you forever. Sing me a song of romance, paid in the company of boundless love. That is to be our song. Sung loudly in times of excess and hummed softly in bursts of sadness.

She Wore Red on Her Sleeve and Black in Her Heart

A color deemed deadly by hopeless romantics skeptic of absorbing its powers. R E D Bloody aortas lined her sleeve with caution tape underneath to keep thrill-seekers at bay. Anyone with ulterior motives need not come near. She would not entertain the suitors with predator claws 50

and a taste for branding their lovers with marks of obedience. She obeyed her mind and nothing outside of it, even if there was a void in her body. A space left vacant while her epidermis caught the sunlight. The mood set to gloom and the room set to darkness, while her adventurous heart navigated a search for love made of purity and selflessness. This space collected cobwebs of loneliness. She needed someone who would be her equal and nothing less. Someone who would stand tall and proudly by her side versus relentlessly going toe-to-toe with her. It seemed her journey was eternal with a black hole as her navigation system. Wandering aimlessly in search of something she may never have in this lifetime.

Have You Ever Been Shocked Before 54

here are so many things that ran through my mind the day I found out you murdered my trust. I didn’t intend on meeting her, but I had to meet the woman you kept in your chamber of secrets for the past several months. We met in a neutral location, a coffee shop downtown. I chose somewhere public to prevent myself from creating a scene. I arrived early to collect myself, but guess who thought of the same thing? Your Mistress. She walked in dressed in a dark purple button-down and slacks and came over promptly to my table. “I hope it’s ok I came early. I wanted to meet you before I headed to work.” “That’s fine. I don’t want this to take up too much of my morning either. It’s not every day that you get to meet your boyfriend’s mistress. I only ever seen these encounters on screen.” “I’m sorry you have to go through this. If I would’ve known-“ “If it weren’t you, it would be another woman. You’re not directly at fault.” “I’m not?” “It may take two people to create an affair, but it takes one person to initiate the conversation.” “I guess you’re right.” From there, your mistress began her story. How you two met at an art show through a mutual friend and quickly became acquaintances before become growing closer as friends. She was your confidant when you needed to clear your mind and release the skeletons from your closet when you couldn’t trust me with the cleaning duties. As I listened to her, I couldn’t help but wonder why she felt the need to submit herself to the torture of confessing her sins to me like she was seeking forgiveness from a Catholic priest. I had no interest in forgiving her for partaking in your infidelity as a willing participant, but it felt very odd for her to be so open about the affair.. I stayed as still as the dead, watching her with the eyes of a predator ready to pounce on their prey. I studied her mannerisms for any signs of false recollection, but

she was very clear in her intent to make sure I was thoroughly informed about your relationship with her. She described your acts of generosity as if you were heaven-sent and made her feel as if she was the only girl in the world who could ever love a man like you. Did you wish to be hers forever like you wished upon a star for me? It seems like my star dimmed out too soon for your liking, so you went gazing elsewhere. Do you love her as intensely as you love me? It’s a question I never hoped to have asked, but as time passed in this conversation, I couldn’t help but fear the weight of the answer. You see more in her than you ever saw in me. The more I thought about it, the more my face contorted into one of sadness, which didn’t go unnoticed by her. “Are you okay?” “Yes, I’m fine.” “I can stop talking if you would like. I’m sure you have plenty to comment on right about now.” “Only if you want to. This story is not for my benefit. I have nothing to gain from this. I just needed answers, and you have provided more than enough if you don’t wish to continue this conversation.” “No, we can keep going. What else would you like to know?” “…do you love him?” “ I don’t know. I mean I think I do, but I don’t know if I’m in love with him like you are with him.” “Well, that’s a strange thing to admit. Surely after everything he’s done for you, I would think that you would be over the moon about him.” “That should be the definitive emotion, but after everything that’s happened and meeting with you now, I’m not so sure anymore.” It was in this moment that I finally realized how much deception has been inflicted on to both parties. You went behind my back and began an illicit affair with the woman in front of me, who was now questioning her love for you. We stayed silent through what seemed like ages before I finally spoke. 55

“Listen, regardless of the situation at hand, I do appreciate you willing to come forth and tell me the truth. I’m sure it wasn’t easy been hidden as the ‘other woman’ for months, but I thank you for meeting me.” “You’re welcome. So, what happens now?” “I’m not sure. I’m still processing everything, but if I think of something I’m sure he’ll come running to you afterward.” “Is that what you’re hoping?” “That the man I love go running back to his mistress after I break-up with him? Yes, that’s exactly what every woman in my position hopes for. Don’t be so naïve.” “I’m sorry. That was out-of-line.” “Yes, it was. It’s funny how that was the first thing you thought of, but I shouldn’t have expected anything less considering how open you’ve been with me. Now, what you and he do once I take myself out of the equation is up to you, but in the meantime, I ask that you do not contact him until I walk away from the relationship. Understood?” “Absolutely.” “Good. Again thank you for meeting me.” “You’re welcome. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get going. I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through. I hope you find someone who treats you better, so you never have to do this again.” “Choice words, but thank you.” Once she left, I stayed in my seat and began thinking of all the ways I wanted to approach you. What I want to say to you and how I wanted to make you feel my suffering, but nothing was good enough. Nothing made sense. So I got up for my table and I left. Never to return to that coffee shop again. I wandered the streets aimlessly thinking about where my next destination was going to be and for the first time in a long time, I actually smiled at the thought of living my life without you. I had a glimmer of hope to 56

look forward to and as far as how you were going to be once I ended things was the least of my concern.

EGO MAGNIFIED

PRIDE TIMES TWO

I’ll Admit I’ve Been Wrong in the Past

his may come as a shock to you, but I’m here to, apologize for the way I’ve treated you all. I never meant to cause you guys any pain. I thought everything was okay and nothing in my life had been destroyed by the chaos I created. Although, the people I loved suffered the most at the hands of my troublesome mind. It was within my dark days I came to inflict the most unspeakable pain I have ever produced. I wasn’t myself. The influences I was under, and the crowds I infiltrated were apart of my moral center’s demise. The parties were my downfall, along with the alcohol and drugs, as well as the lovers etched into my bedpost with their scent staining my sheets. You were the ones taking the hits for me. The highs I was chasing counterbalanced the lows that you suffered for me. I hunted down demons in bars, hoping to relish in their presence, but it was you all who caught them for me and sent them back to hell. I’ve lied, cheated, stolen, broken, and cursed all of you for the sake of my selfishness. Self-serving disgust and the need to fill the void in my heart. Heartbreak makes you do strange things, but there’s nothing stranger then changing your soul’s appearance to resemble the darkness. It is within my faults I came to realize how much you all meant to me. How you stood by, and cared for me even when I pushed you away. I’ll admit I’ve been wrong before and in the past, I didn’t care what your opinions were of me as long as I gained your trust. Keeping you close to me as someone to fall back on when it became too dangerous to continue. It is in this apology that I bear the deepest part of myself to show you I am no longer the person I used to be. I’ve never hit rock bottom before, and during the fall I betrayed every single one of you. When the crash landing happened, I expected nothing but a shattered body and a tattered mind, but what came out of it was the hope for a new beginning. The looks on your faces told me everything I needed to know and convinced me to get better. I didn’t have to live a life of gloom to get over someone I once loved. I didn’t want to believe there were other ways to cope with heartache. I know this doesn’t make sense, but it’s something that needs to be said. I hope one day you’ll understand. During my recovery, I made some decisions I’m hoping to be proud of one day. I chose to let go of anger and accept love in its purest form. I decided to rid my addiction to temptation and follow my intuition instead. To see everything for what it is and not for

what I can morph it into for my selfish reasons. There are so many things I wish to say to erase your memories of me at my lowest state. Changing the past will only negatively alter the future. Living in a story is not the same as living in reality. Fantasies are made when people don’t have the strength to live in the real world. I know some of you don’t believe I’ve changed and that I won’t keep my promise, but I can assure you I’m different and that everything I’ve been saying isn’t something cooked up to mask my guilt. There are no more demons or red lights cast upon me. There are no more empty shells or black clouds. No more grayscale thoughts within my mind. I am breathing in a new life of color, and I am taking on new responsibilities that I hope will lead me in the right direction. You’re probably wondering if I reached out to her. I haven’t. As much as I wanted to on this road to recovery, I couldn’t. There were so many things I wish I could have said that I can’t speak now because it will lead me down the path I was previously on, and I don’t know if I would ever return. So, I leave her in my wake. A bar story never to be told again. I hope that you all accept this apology and if you don’t, then I will accept your rejection in the absence of your presence in my life moving forward.

SONGS THAT INSPIRED THIS ISSUE

Cold Cold Cold – Cage the Elephant Potion Approaching - Arctic Monkeys Fright Lined Dining Room - Arctic Monkeys Psychotic Girl - The Black Keys Strange Desire - The Black Keys I Wanna Be Your Dog - The Stooges Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites - Skrillex This Is What It Feels Like - Banks The Only One - The Black Keys Just a Little Heat - The Black Keys BTSK - MS MR Dream Girls - Fortress Social Club Dangerous (ft. Joywave) - Big Data No Anthems - Sleater-Kinney Fade - Sleater-Kinney It’s About Time - Young the Giant Echoes - The Rapture Bull in the Heather - Sonic Youth I’m Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance Take Me Away - Fefe Dobson I Want You - Lindi Ortega Poison Dart (ft. Warrior Queen) - The Bug All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix Cold Desert - Kings of Leon Arizona - Kings of Leon

Next Issue Release Date: Sept 24th, 2018 Theme: “Bleak Labor”

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