626 Capricorn Road
April/May 2019
A 92ARTIST Productions Publication
CONTENTS pg 10 Message from the Editor pg 14 The Downpour Effect Prepare Yourself Wisely pg 36 High Voltage Running On A Current High pg 68 Blessed By A Rebel Welcome Dear Grace pg 102 Cursed on the Stairwell Leading You to Nowhere pg 130 Grey Noon Weather Forecast Blown Out of Proportion pg 166 Songs that Inspired This Issue The April/May Issue Playlist
2
FEATURES pg 13
Cloudy with A Chance of Overcast Emotions
pg 20
It Got Colder This Dog Day Afternoon
pg 50
There’s Nothing to See Here
pg 64
A Gust of Dreams
pg 83
Faith in the City of Lost Souls
pg 122
Color Me Dirty
pg 142
Here’s the Story About a Lonely Boy and Girl
pg 162
Feeling Rectified Again
5
WRITING pg 28 Wait Just A Bit Longer
pg 94 Autumn Arrival
pg 32 How Do We Say Goodbye to Something that Never Happened
pg 98 The Lover's Ode
pg 41 Rooftop Reflections
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pg 108 Concrete Confessions
pg 47 And It's Coming Closer
pg 112 Our Love Changed Like the Autumn Leaves
pg 55 Wired at Sundown
pg 119 We All Crave Love
pg 60 Ardor Struck Down
pg 136 Suburban Downfall
pg 72 Where Art Thou Our Time Together?
pg 142 Here's the Story of A Shy Girl and A Lonely Boy
pg 78 I Think You Look Pretty
pg 151 Henchforth Dowdy Effect
pg 90 What Does it Mean to Find Love?
pg 158 The Sea Grew Restless the Night I Made You Leave
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Work By Burton 9
MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR
Hey everyone! My name is Ceirra Burton, and I am the creator and editor-in-chief of 626 Capricorn Road. Thank you so much for taking the time to read the April 2019 issue of 626 Capricorn Road. This month's theme is "Overcast Season, Rose Colored Emotions." I wanted to take the phrases "April Showers, May Flowers" and "May Gray" and bring them to life in this issue. These past two months, I've experienced a lot of cloudy days. Both literally and introspectively. I've done a lot of reflecting about my life and the choices that I've made up until now. Thinking about how my words and actions have influenced the decisions I've made. How these decisions have shaped me as a person. Although seeing gray clouds in the sky is a nice change from the sunny California weather. With it, there has been tons of rain. This forced me to become more creative indoors. Generating inspiration based on what was happening outside of my window. Showcasing how even on cloudy days, not everything is as it seems. A change in the weather can force you to reflect on your life. I hope you enjoy this issue and the themes present throughout. So, without further ado, let's undergo an "Overcast Season, Rose-Colored Emotions."
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Cloudy with A Chance of Overcast Emotions There’s a chance of overcast emotions today. I’m overwhelmed and afraid. I knew what was coming. It took me a while to get to this moment. When it comes to days like these, you realize that everything is the worst thing you’ve chosen. Predictability. A set of emotions given by a spirit you cannot see. Trusting you’ll move forward in life. Relying on your morals is what keeps you sane.
I hope the weather doesn’t impact the rest of my day. Changing my thoughts of self-love, self-deprecating, or something I loathed. My emotions are like a tornado. Spinning in circles, hard and fast, losing my breath with every turn. Doing everything in my power to make sure my feet are always touching the ground.
You close your eyes at night or open them up in the morning, and everything begins to feel predictable.
Being emotional can destroy you. It can make you feel as if the world is against you. Pushing you down into oblivion.
But life can throw curve balls and become as unpredictable as the weather. The weather can change in an instant.
Having this out-of-body experience where you’re watching yourself self-destruct. It’s hard enough to not witness yourself unraveling.
It’s hard enough to imagine a world where feelings are non-existent. Emotions are a thing of the past. Anger stirs up inside you, getting you through the day without feeling as if you are running circles. Feeling unfocused. You can’t keep up with your fellow peers. You’re still stuck at the beginning. Your mind needs exercise. Moving, spinning, whirling, and twirling.
You should redefine your barriers. Your boundaries. The lines that no one can cross. You have control over that arrangement. It’s a gray area because nothing makes sense in this world. Nothing ever should make sense. If we have it all figured out, what’s the point of discovering all that life has to offer? If we know what the ending is, why bother finishing the rest of the story? Why bother? 13
THE DOWN
14
prepare your
rself wisely
POUR EFFECT
15
It Got Colder This Dog Day Afternoon What is it about the loss of someone close to you that makes you contemplate your own mortality? This time last year I lost my grandfather (on my mom's side), a man I genuinely cared for and respected. He was a quiet man who cared deeply about his family and always made sure you felt loved every time you were in his presence. The last time I saw him was during a family visit where he came to California for the first time. My uncles accompanied him from Illinois, so he wouldn’t have to travel alone. He was already sick, but he was determined to visit his daughters who made a life for themselves and their families in the golden state. It was a time to create new, lasting memories as a family instead of focusing on his failing health. There was a prominent moment during his visit where I had led him, and one of my uncles to my office in the back of my house. I gave him the rundown on all the creative projects and endeavors I was working on as well as the equipment I owned and an award I received for one of my company’s short films. He was in awe of what I accomplished and complimented me on all the work I’ve done. At that moment, my mom had walked into the backyard and sit down in one of the chairs near the door, and I remember him looking out towards her with a proud look on his face. He was grateful my mom had been able to make a living for herself and me. A few moments later, my grandfather turned to me and told me that if there’s anything I needed to help take care of my mom, to let him know and he’ll provide it for me or get one of my uncles to do it. There was a nervous tone in his voice almost as if there was something else he wanted to say but couldn't find the right words for it. I sensed something was off, but I didn’t press him, only assuring him I would always be here to look after my mom. I tried not to read too much into the subtext of our conversation, but it hung over my head for the remainder of my grandfather’s visit. It wouldn't be until a couple of months later that I realized why he was telling me all this. He had a feeling his first trip to California was going to be his only one as his declining health to a grave turn for the worse. The last time I spoke to my grandfather was the day he left to go back to Illinois with my uncles. It was a very brief goodbye as they left early in the morning to get to the airport to fly home. I don't know what was going through his mind, but I knew that it had to be one of utter sadness. My grandfather had been battling cancer for the past few years and was in and out of the hospital for treatment. There were times my mom, aunt, and both of my uncles were afraid he wasn’t going to make it, but my grandfather fought as hard as he could to keep breathing. However, this time was different. Everyone was warned repeatedly about what was going to happen, and there was nothing they could do to stop it. 20
The weekend before he died I went on a work trip, but I kept having a strange feeling that something terrible was happening. Death crept into my mind like venom and wouldn't leave. There's something about knowing someone is close to dying that you makes you want to peek inside their mind and observe their thoughts in action. If they're scared or if they’ve made peace with their life choices. If they have done all they set out to do in life or wish they could have done? Is there anything they could have said or done differently? I couldn't escape the thought that one day I would be in that position as my grandfather was in his final days, hopefully without any health issues. Embracing the fear of not being able to live again and the darkness that surrounds you for eternity is probably similar to what most people feel suffering from depression. To witness my going through the pain of losing her father was unbearable. She didn’t want to accept the weight of the inevitable but understood that death was an unfortunate part of life. And so it finally came. I remember it distinctly. It was five days after his 90th birthday, and my mom came home in the afternoon, which is very rare for her during the week. She stopped right in front of our house and called me to meet her outside. When I approached her car, there was a blank look on her face, and I could tell something was wrong. Tears began to fall from her eyes, and that is when I knew. She finally looked up at me and told me that my grandfather had just passed away. After the words left her mouth, every ounce of strength she had left inside was used to fight back the tears her eyes threatened to unleash. It was in this moment; I stepped up to be the emotional support she needed. Even though I couldn’t fully grasp the weight of this devastation, I knew I had to be strong for my mom. After a few moments of silence, she said she was going to take a drive around the neighborhood. I watched her leave, then went back inside. I went to my room and absentmindedly watched whatever was on TV as if nothing had happened. Finally, everything came crashing down, and I allowed myself to begin the grieving process. Wave after wave hit me like pregnant contractions and I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to cry or be utterly void. So, my emotions took turns over the next couple weeks as my family prepared for my grandfather’s funeral. Due to my grandmother’s ailing health (and also being kept in the dark about the death of her ex-husband) as well as working on a film production during this tragic time, I volunteered to stay behind and be the support system, my mom needed. 23
The day of the funeral came and gone, but the last conversation I had with my grandfather still resonates with me today. I think back to all the times I could’ve made more memories with him, but then I quickly remind myself of the ones that I did make and can keep with me. It’s very comforting to know he left a lasting impact on everyone who knew him. I told myself one-day the grieving period would transform into small, joyous recollections of a man who made you feel like the most important in the room whenever you spoke with him. All it takes is one random moment to trigger a familiar memory of your fallen loved one, and a warm smile would flash across your face.
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With that, all the good days would come rushing back to you, and everything would be okay.
Wait Just A Bit L
28
Longer
Until I’m able to realize what it means to love and to cherish who I am. I won’t dictate my life according to someone else’s standards. To not be afraid to live my life out loud. I’m only asking for a little more time. I know you’ve been patient with me. Hoping the day would come and I’d give you all that you need. But I need to provide myself with the satisfaction that I am enough. I don’t have to fall into a pool of emotions, and struggling to make my way back to the surface.
These past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I can’t imagine being anywhere but right here with you. I want to take a chance on love, but I need to work on myself first. I haven’t been able to dive into who I am and what I want to be, or how I want to treat myself when I’m with you. You’re with yourself for eternity. The only time you’re not alone is when you’re in the presence of someone you love. Someone that can completely take you away from your thoughts. Get you out of your head and focus on them.
Drowning in the deep end, thinking someone else is going to come and save me. I have to know how to protect myself. What’s the point in being alone if I don’t know how to be by myself? I don’t love you any less. I’m not saying goodbye because I’m not going anywhere. I need a moment to find clarity and peace within myself. I promise you when I make my way back, you’ll be the first one I encounter. All I’m asking is for you to wait.
You can take my breath away and fill my heart with joy. I can’t imagine life without you. But I need to imagine life for myself. What I want to do for me. All the adventures I would take and the discoveries I would make. Reading books, watching movies, binging TV shows, and belting out my favorite songs.
Everything I want in this life at my fingertips.
So I’m asking you to wait a little bit longer until I can get myself together. 29
How Do We Say Goodbye to Som Today's the day I'm saying goodbye to you for good this time. I know in the past I've never dared to go up to you to end things. We were never anything I wanted. I can't keep doing this to myself. Pretending that one day you and I are going to be together and fall in love. So, today I'm breaking up with the dream of being with you. You're someone I've always wanted but could never have. A cliche at its finest. When reality kicked in, I suffered from the pain of not knowing if you would ever be mine. Enduring years of misery. I've found the courage to leave.
32
mething That Never Happened? My cravings are never satisfied as long as you're on my mind. I had too many high hopes and expectations. This was all in my head. A mere fantasy never fulfilled. The worst case scenario is you would laugh in my face after I confess my feelings. I don't know if I would be able to handle your response. Tears would threaten to spill from my eyes, but I would fight them and stay strong in your presence. But this needs to happen. There'll never be a better time than right now.
I hope you'll understand what I'm saying. This is it.
33
E HIGH VOLTAGE
36
HIGH VOLTAGE
HIGH
H VOLTAGE
HIGH VOLTAGE
HIGH VOLT
Running on a Curr ent High
37
Rooftop Reflections High above the world Head in the clouds Thinking about taking flight Solidarity on a rooftop People passing by down below Life unfolds before my eyes People dropping their stories All over the concrete How many stories have seeped into the ground? How many breakups have commenced? How many first loves had formed? 40
How many times did people have to re-discover themselves? How many times did people look up to the sky for answers? How many times did they look up and wonder? If life is better high above the ground? What would happen if they learned to fly? If they learned to be free? To dream without limits Can you imagine your head above the clouds?
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43
And It’s Coming Closer I am huge and made of metal Moving with intensity through the sea of spectators Exercising restraint as I make my way towards my destination Like a predator feasting on its prey The broken pavement sinks beneath me It tries to slow down my movement Taunting me as it sets up more and more obstacles Disfiguring the mold of a perfect journey My anxiety gnaws at my hands My insecurities cut through the air like laughter from a small child I break free through the chains and traps Annihilating my hurdles Whilst shattering all expectations of myself Nothing will ever be the same Not when my day of reckoning keeps coming closer 47
There’s Nothin
Where are you going?
Will you slow down?
Can we talk about this?
I did nothing wrong.
You're making these accusations for no apparent reason. Why on earth would you think that I'd ever cheat on you? I would never do anything to hurt you. Have I ever given you a reason to believe that I am capable of something like that? I've been nothing but faithful to you. I've supported, listened and respected you. I've never left your side. I've done everything you've asked of me. The only thing I've ever ask for in return is for you to give me the same respect.
But I guess I've been wrong.
You think that I betrayed you. If you don't believe me, go talk to anybody I hang out with and ask them if I'm capable of cheating. new.
Go ask them if I want to move on with someone
If I ever boasted about people who weren't you or had a conquest behind your back. I can guarantee they're going to tell you that I've never cheated on you. it.
50
Or gave them the impression I was planning on
ng to See Here Why would I want to hurt you? Especially with someone you know? Why would I put you through that by choosing someone within your inner circle? Do you think I'm that heartless?
Do you think I don't care about you?
you?
How many times do I have to prove that I love
Is my love not enough for you?
Why?
How come you don't trust me?
What have I done?
Tell me, and I'll stop. I'll do everything to fix this. I love you so much, but I can't stand to be hurt like this. I'm not going to tolerate being hurt like this anymore. I'm not one for ultimatums, but if this goes on, I don't know how much more I can take. Either drop this and let it go. Walk away from these thoughts and feelings that you have about me. Don't accuse me of breaking your heart and we can work things out. Or we part ways right now.
So what's it going to be?
Stay with me?
Or leave me.
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WIRED AT SUNDOWN
I've had enough of this.
I fell in love with you too many times only for you not to love me back. I need you to be open and vulnerable.
Communicative and trusting.
Loyal and honest.
I want your support. I need you in my corner, but I know you can't be bothered. You only want me as a way to make yourself feel better about your past.
You became reckless from getting hurt countless times.
Yet you broke hearts in the same manner and took every ounce of love until there was nothing left.
It's a toxic cycle that you can't seem to break.
A hamster wheel you love so dearly that if you were to sell it, your soul would go with it.
But, I'm not like you.
I'm not like the girls you've been around. You can't manipulate me like that. I've always been there for you. My love is unwavering. My stance on our relationship has never changed.
You come to me, and we'll face your fears head-on.
I thrive off of making you smile.
I'm a girlfriend.
I'm not a lover or a conquest. If you can't handle that, then we can't be together. You always find excuses to keep me away. Making promises you know you can't keep.
Second chances happen only once.
If so, why have I given you so many of them? 55
I shouldn't trust you anymore, yet somehow you keep pulling me back.
Your energy coursing through my veins.
It's an illegal combination of love and happiness.
You keep me on the edge of my toes. I can't understand why you keep me coming back for more. I always hate myself for it.
I'm a girlfriend, not a lover, or a conquest.
I hate you for making me think otherwise.
I know this should be the end of us. We shouldn't be together, but I can't help think that you'll wake up one day and realize how much damage you've caused.
56
How the person you have can't be the person you need anymore.
If that doesn't happen, then our future should cease to exist.
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Ardor Struck Down I was never what you needed. You told me you were ready to fall for someone who could change your mind about love.
My idea of love is based on respect, understanding, comfort, and support.
Being there for someone you are madly in love with, but I guess I was never your exact definition of love, was I?
Was I some sort of experiment for you?
You met me, and everything changed for you?
tion.
Clearly, it didn't because we're back at the starting line. We're back at the place filled with lies and decep-
I'm the type of person who falls in love. I don't lust after people because I need a quick fix.
I never expected myself to fall for your lies.
Your tricks.
I became a master at falling for your games.
I fell for the intoxicating charm that burned me every time. You were so smooth and witty. Always in your element.
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I'd bend at your will and dropped all my morals to stay by your side. I defended you when I knew you were in the wrong. I never trust my instincts when I'm with you. I knew you were trouble from the start. When you had your grip on my heart, you squeezed and squeezed until you had every last drop of my love.
Then, you threw it away and left behind hate and anger because it all tastes the same in the dark, doesn't it?
You betrayed me. Making me feel as if everything you did was my fault. I made you feel like a decent human before you cheated on me.
Love isn't possible for someone like you. I believed into the hype that you would make a great partner.
But I was a fool who should've known better than to trust a pretty face.
Mark my words, I will never put myself in this position ever again.
Nobody is worth the headache and heartache you gave me.
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A Gust of DReams
I see us slipping away, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. There's something about us that makes me afraid. Afraid for our sanity afraid for everything that we stand for in this relationship. We used to be full of life and had the energy of a thousand suns. Everything you would come to expect. Now, it's nothing more than a gust of dreams. A tornado taking over our world and in the aftermath, there'll be no more of "us." I want us to be okay, but I know we won't be after today. 64
Was this meant to happen? You and I weren't supposed to be the ones that broke up under such rotten circumstances. I don't want to be the couple that gives up. People that give up can't handle the struggle of fighting for love. A game of tug of war with endless rounds.
Why do we have to give up?
Why are you giving up?
Why am I giving up?
"I have nothing left to say."
"There's nothing left to say."
"There's nothing left to give to this relationship."
"We're both so tired of the games. The constant absence. The unrelenting begging. The unwavering stance of positions on common ideals and morals."
"We no longer see things through the same lens."
"We're stuck in tunnel vision."
"Is it possible for us to start over?
"No, darling. It's not."
In my heart, we're right for each other, but my mind tells me otherwise.
Outside voices told me otherwise.
I planned a different ending, but fate had other plans.
So, we retaliated.
Breaking each other's heart as fast and hard as we could. I'm so in love with you, but my love can only go so far. I'm willing to do everything to keep our relationship intact. Yet, I know this isn't what we wanted. Neither of us could have seen this coming.
We realized why this breakup was happening. These things don't happen without reason.
Fate doesn't give out sentences without some type of warning.
For now, we'll play the waiting game until we can no longer wait for the change we need to make us work again. 65
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Blessed By A Rebel
Welcome Dear Grace 69
Where Art Thou I've been waiting for this day to come, but we might have to wait a little longer.
Wait to escape this place and be together.
Getting away from the city, the crowds, our friends and family, and relax. But it's been hard trying to separate ourselves from our daily lives. They say work-life balance and taking time off is essential, but why is it so hard for us to be a part of that reality?
How come we can't get away?
What is so different about our schedules and our daily lives that we lead that we get separated from the pack?
We can't sit back and recuperate.
Or be with each other without deadlines, phone calls, emails, and all the things that make us miserable. We have the careers we wanted, but now we don't recognize each other outside of them.
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Time Together? I'd love to take you away to an island, a mountain, or the beach, the desert, or the canyons.
Anywhere that isn't here.
A place that doesn't remind us of the mundane routine we've found ourselves in. We're responsible for other people and ourselves. If we don't take care of ourselves.
We're going to end up burned out and depressed.
Why is it so hard for us to get away?
To pack up everything, drive off and never be seen again? Creating new lives for ourselves. Embracing new identities that don't connect back to us to who we were yesterday. Becoming who we want to be tomorrow. Until then, we're sitting ducks in today's daydream. I pray the day will come when we no longer have to be ourselves.
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I Think You're Pretty This may be a bit forward of me, but you're are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen in my entire life.
You've always been on my mind and the center of my world.
I know you have other suitors, but I'm hoping you'd at least consider giving me a chance. It's not easy for someone like me to open up this way and take a chance on someone like you. It's hard to imagine being able to have my feelings reciprocated by someone I admire and respect. Even though you haven't so much as bat an eye at me, I've imagined what it's like to be by your side. Being your one and only.
When you felt down or sad, I'd be the shoulder you cry on.
When you were angry or hurt, I'd be the person you could vent to if you needed. When you were happy and excited about something, I'd be the first person you would tell. It's not easy having a relationship under imaginary circumstances. Yet, I'm hoping to change that right now. I've worked up the nerve to come to you. I'd like to be with you if you would have me. me.
I'm attentive and supportive. I'll do whatever you ask of
I'll give you space if you need and I'll go and do my own thing. Coming back to each other when it's time. I know this is a lot for you to take in, but I've held on to these feelings for so long. I never thought they open and would ever see daylight. But here they are, available to you. I must sound like I'm rambling, but I had to get this off my chest. You're the one I want even if you never heard of me before. 78
Faith in the City of Lost Souls The first time I learned the meaning of living in Los Angeles was during a visit to my dad’s favorite place. An old church hidden in the suburbs outside of LA. I didn’t understand why my dad brought me here considering he was an atheist and my mom was a Buddhist. I definitely took that whole “walking into a church and bursting into flames” thing very seriously as a kid. My first visit with my dad was when I was twelve. He brought me here after the last visitors had left and his friend led us back through the entrance and took us into the chapel. My dad walked me up to the front and we sat on the steps of the stage. We sat there for 10 minutes in complete silence, then he asked me to look up at the ceiling and tell him what I saw. I looked up and stared at the mural of what heaven was supposed to look like. Angels appearing out of stark white clouds, inviting you to join God behind the golden heavenly gate. Various shades of blue served as the foundation of the mural mixed with warm tones representing the sun and all that is holy in this world. The mural spilled down into the rainbow-colored stained glass windows that were surrounded by polished wooden columns. I told him everything looked stunning. He told me to look down at the pews and tell him what I saw. I said nothing but empty rusty brown pews. After a moment, he said the interior architecture represented the beauty God 82
envisioned, but when you look at the pews, it represents the emptiness God sees in the souls who inhabit this city. My dad stood up and told me to follow him to the back. We went and sat in one of the back pews and he told me to look at the front of the church and tell him what I saw. A gold cross stood tall behind the preacher’s podium and red-clothed choir pews. The band’s playing area was organized neatly with sheet music and bibles. I told him I saw the front of the chapel and an empty stage. He told me when we look forward, we see the beauty of the world we wish we lived in. When we look at the empty pews facing the empty stage, that’s us searching for something greater than ourselves, but that greatness is nowhere to be found. Pretty haunting, isn’t it? I guess that’s what happens when you’re born and raised here. You see this city for what it truly is versus someone who comes here looking for a fresh start. There’s a perception that LA is a pretty face standing out amongst the crowds and only the people who can resist its charm would be able to survive living here. Truth is, no one can survive the irresistibility of the City of Angels, not even its inhabitants. My dad always tried to instill in me that being born and raised near Tinseltown can either be a blessing or a curse based on whether you allow yourself to fall victim to the “dreamer” mentality. Where everyone thinks they'll make it one way or another, not realize we’re all the same. It was hard for me to grasp these lessons for a long time until I lost the man who taught them to me. 84
The night my dad died. I got completely wasted and I snuck into the church he took me to all those years ago and sat in the back pew. It was eerily quiet and darkness swallowed up the majority of the chapel, except for the stage. There was a spotlight shining down on it and I couldn’t tell if someone had left it on from the second-floor pews or if in some twisted way, God knew I was there. Like he was trying to get me to understand why I came here over any other place. I focused all of my energy on what it would feel like to have nothing but complete silence. When it clicked, I finally understood what my dad meant when he told me to look around this place. People treat LA like this glamorized holy mecca of fame, and the film industry perpetuates those ideas constantly by using the art of deception to get people to believe that losing your true self is the key to happiness and notoriety. The art of selling dreams is to make people believe in a reality where majestic beauty and eternal youth will guarantee you a lavish life amongst the stars. Truth is, only the lucky ones get to be idolized and the rest of us “dreamers” will never get the chance to shine unless we take our fate into our own hands. We are the makers of our destiny and by surrendering to selflessness, we’ll be able to see the world the way God envisioned. It’s funny where you find yourself searching for something to believe in when you’re at your lowest, darkest point. 85
What Does It Mean to Find Love
What does it mean to fall head over heels in love with someone?
What does it mean to lust after someone?
What does it mean to have a crush?
Or to find a spring romance?
Searching for someone who can turn into your life partner and spend the rest of your life with them. Is it a desired emotion? Or a life goal? What is the definition of romance and what role does it have in a relationship? What does it mean to be romantic with someone? We talk about love as if it's a fairy-tale idea. Like it sits high up on a pedestal with higher expectations than you can ever imagine.
Patience is critical when it comes to love. Especially when you're searching for it.
What does it mean to be someone's "other half." Are you not whole by yourself? What if you exchange halves with the person who fits perfectly with yours and you fit with theirs.
You have the same heart structure as them to make the puzzle pieces fit.
But, what is it to have a heart in a relationship?
Or to be heartless in a relationship?
Or even to experience heartbreak in a relationship?
You feel as if it's the end of the world as you hit rock bottom. Feeling so low and insecure about yourself that happiness seems like a mere fantasy.
It may be as hard on your former love as it is on you.
But isn't that what finding love is all about? Experiencing the ups, downs, highs, and lows with someone just as crazy?
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Autumn Arrival It's within the golden yellows and the burgundy reds that I find love in your eyes. I always take shelter under your mahogany browns. Watching in awe as the sunset oranges cast a late afternoon heavenly glow around you. The horizon moves with every step you take. The season has begun to change, and the arrival of autumn is upon us. My darling, you have always morphed into the soul of the next season with grace. Summer was brutal and our mood towards each other was nothing short of volcanic. It is times like these when autumn comes along, I thank the stars for you laying in my arms. 94
I've always wondered what would happen when we would get to that first day of the new season. Would we still look at each other with as much affection as the previous one? How different it would be if our love had not grown or flourished as well as it has these past several months. Would we still have the same look in our eyes? Would the emerald greens change around us to match the impending warmth of the colors to come? Or would oceanic blues above shift from a piercing electric hue to a majestic nightly sight? How will the colors appear when autumn comes along and takes its rightful seat at the table? Would we still be in love with each other? Or would we change our minds like our surroundings change its colors? 95
The Lover's Ode I solemnly swear that I'm in love with you. I've always felt this way ever since I can remember. I don't want anybody else. Only you.
But lately, it seems like you've been pulling away.
We've become disconnected. I need some type of assurance that you'll be here for me. When you're with me, I don't have to fight for your attention. Promise me that you'll always be present when I'm with you. You're all mine, and I'm all yours. Our love and devotion to each other make us grow as a couple. Giving us life and making everybody else jealous. Do you know how many people are envious of our relationship? They wish they were in our shoes. Wanting to steal us away and make us believe in their idea of love. We both have many suitors, but our bond is unbreakable. We wholeheartedly love each other, yet something is wrong. Why is that? Why can't we figure it out how to make things work? I want you to promise me you're not going anywhere. Don't leave me. Promise me. Please?
Anybody who's ever been in love has made that promise.
"No matter what, I've got you, and you'll always have me."
If you can't make that promise, then you don't want to be with me.
At the end of the day, love is love. If you can't embrace the strength of our love, you don't deserve it. If you can't handle our relationship at its worse, you certainly don't deserve it at its best.
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So what do you say?
Do you still love me?
Cursed On the Stairwell 102
Leading You to Nowhere
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Concrete Confessions When we first, there was something about me that was different for you. Something in the direction of "love." You wanted to be more than friends, but love isn't in our cards. We're not meant to fall in love. I don't feel the same way about you. In fact, I may never will. I know this is difficult to hear, but it's the truth. I hope for your sake, you're able to understand what I'm trying to tell you. You may never want to speak to me again, and that's okay. I would do the same. I don't wish this type of heartache upon anybody, but it's how I feel. I hope one day you'll forgive me. I'm not trying to hurt you. You and I need time apart. We need space to think about what's best for us. And right now, it doesn't involve one another. I just hope in time, we can find our way back to each other. 108
Our Love Changed Like the Autumn Leaves We were an unlikely pairing expected to end before we started. We weren't meant to fall in love with each other. That's not how we're wired. You opposed monogamy and I opposed a casual affair. Yet, you fell hard for me as I did for you. They said our love changed like the autumn leaves. We created a phenomenon when September arrived. My love for you has grown over time. Morphing into something of envy from your former suitors. They couldn't tie you down. They couldn't keep you from floating away to the next person. They studied my methods and craved for insights into my approach. Still, they weren't able to crack the code. They couldn't realize it was nothing more than simple courting and patience. Chasing you would have been an endless rat race. I didn't have the stamina to keep up with your tireless cycle of bed hopping. So, I waited. I left breadcrumbs for you to find and when the time was right, you came to me. 112
You wanted something more and you saw that in me. From there, I was able to reel you in and get you to settle down. I kept you grounded and satisfied. I made you see the beauty in love and all it has to offer. If that is like the autumn leaves changing, then so be it. We are leaves changing from bright and shiny to warm and comforting. Let them be jealous of that.
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We All Crave Love We all want to be loved, right? We all crave love. I can't be the only one who wants my love reciprocated. No one should feel ashamed for chasing after what drives us wild. Why are we so afraid of chasing after what makes us feel good? What makes us feel validated? Validation is important. It drives and motivates us. Knowing that we're worthy enough to have everything we want is a powerful thing. It can affect our mood, actions, and words. It can have either a positive or negative effect on us. It's hard when you don't have everything you want in life. You see other people thriving, and you try to chase after the same feeling. Yet, you never feel the same way. Never feeling smart, pretty, or good enough for anything or anyone. We all want to achieve our goals and dreams without judgment. Without feeling as if you don't know what you're doing. As if you don't deserve that person you want. But we do. And it sucks because we all want to feel validated and worthy of being with someone who is just as crazy about us. We all crave that same romantic love, don't we? 119
Color Me Dirty He wasn't the person I expected to open the door. Every image of me breaking his heart suddenly came flooding back to my mind. He still had the same crooked smile that everyone adored. The same crescent eyes that looked up at the stars with childlike wonder. Time was very good to him. Ten years can either age you or preserve you. From the way he studied me, I knew there was a good chance he wouldn't remember me. At least, not the girl he used to know. I stepped inside his studio, immediately drawn to the antique French decor as if I had stepped back into 19th Century Paris. Creaky wood floors and the smell of fresh coffee invaded my senses as I walked towards the photo shoot set on the opposite side of the room. There was a single light hanging above a stool in front of a matte black curtain, and a film camera placed a few feet away. A makeshift changing area had been set up right next to the set, and I timidly walked towards it with him trailing behind me. “I’m almost done setting up, so you can go ahead and get changed.” “Okay.” I began to notice several abstract art pieces hanging the walls. A coffee table sat nearby in front of an antique couch. On the table laid several photography portfolios and art books as well as a few small, old-fashioned cameras and lenses. Judging by everything I’ve seen in this studio, his love of romance and history hasn’t faltered. A seeker of timeless treasures housing the spirit of a romantic artist and me for the next hours, his muse. I began to undress and quickly noticed my breath starting to hitch. Just being in his presence was making me uneasy. Was this buried guilt bubbling to the surface? Or was it his rugged features sending my hormones into a frenzy. I quickly collected myself and changed into my new outfit at a rapid pace. When I stepped out from behind the changing area, he had his camera in his hand, fiddling with the knobs.
“Is this okay?”
up.
He looked up at me with an unreadable expression on his face. A few moments passed before he spoke
“That’s perfect. Have a seat on the stool.”
I did as I was told, there was something very meticulous about the way he was fixing his camera. His hands move with precision, and when he looked up at me again, a smile had now rested on his face.
“Are you ready to begin?”
“Yes.” It took me quite some time to get settled into his workflow. He moved fast and gave out directions like an orchestra conductor. Regardless , he managed to capture some of the most beautiful photos I’ve ever seen of myself. Photographs of a woman who looked edgy yet tranquil. However, when I looked closer, I noticed my 122
face was bathed in sadness. My features were colored with void and arranged to mask the faults of my past. His camera movements were my executioner.
“These are magnificent.”
“A long time. I’m glad you like them so far. Shall we continue?”
“Thank you.” “How long has it taken for you to develop this style of shooting?”
His enthusiasm from my praise washed across his face, and I couldn't help but break at the emotion he was expressing. How could he not reciprocate my remembrance of our past life? How could he not recognize the woman who broke his heart? To witness his success first-hand was crushing me. I should’ve never said yes to this session, but maybe this was meant to be a cathartic encounter for both of us. Avenging the pain, he suffered from many moons ago?
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m sorry. Where would you like me?”
“In front of the stool, please.”
I stood in front of the stool as he asked and turned back to face him wondering how he was able to cope with our interaction better than me. What is it about art that makes “suffering” so appealing and inspires the creator to project their deepest, darkest emotions for the world to worship and criticize. There may be empathy in art, but there is no empathy for love lost. As we continue our session, I tried to maintain as much contact with him as possible, but his focus was on revealing my inner truths through his camera lens. I moved as he instructed and delivered as he directed but there was a part of me that wanted to stop the shoot and relieve my worrisome mind. What are we really doing right now and why am I the only one bothered by this burgeoning silence? Or has he made his peace and actually moved on? These thoughts plagued my mind until I began to notice his body language shifting from calculating to weary. I keep my eyes trained on him, and for a split second, something flashes across his eyes. I presumed a moment of weakness, but something else took it’s place. It was the disintegration of his resolve. He no longer wanted to hide behind his work or maybe my thoughts echoed louder in the room than in my head. “You remember, don’t you?” “How could you tell?” “I couldn’t. Not until you had let your guard down.” All those years of turmoil have finally broken through. His buried feelings buried have now bubbled up to the surface, and the tension between us has begun to unfold.
“Maybe you should change into your last outfit.”
“Okay.” 124
I head to the changing area, and I can immediately feel the change in the air. I can hear his shuffling as I begin to change into my last outfit of the day. As I started to change clothes, I immediately felt guilty for altering the mood of the shoot. It wasn’t my intention to bring up the past, but I couldn’t help but agonize over his silence of our last interaction. Once I finished getting dressed, I walk out of the changing area and immediately lock eyes with him.
“Is this okay.”
It is in this moment we silently beg each other to say everything on our minds. To vocalize what it is we've held our tongues from saying. A long silence looms over us before he breaks first, signaling us to get back to the shoot. For the next twenty minutes, we taunted each other with our unspoken words about the past. Moving through the shoot as if we wanted to avoid the inevitable. By the time the session came to a close, I had jump through more mental hurdles than I ever thought possible just to get this man to open up to me. 125
I went and changed back into the outfit I arrived in, and when I came back out, he was standing in front of me with a look of sorrow on his face and an envelope in his hand.
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“Here’s your compensation.” “Thank you.” I took the envelope, but he suddenly grabbed onto my hand, keeping me in my place.
“Just so you know, I remember everything. Every touch. Every pass. Every look. Every word. Every piece of rejection that was cast upon me. All the pain you caused and what has remained in my heart for a decade. Tell me what you’ve been dying for me to know?” So many unspoken words and actions suddenly flooded my mind, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything at all. “Tell me now, or you may never get the chance again.” I remained frozen beneath his grip, and it was the first moment during this entire day where I felt utterly speechless. Here was my time for redemption and I couldn’t bear to own up to my acts of misery inflicted upon him. He looked at me with pleading eyes and his mouth agape as I forced myself to turn away from him. What have I done? All this time, I wanted him to acknowledge our relationship, and when he does, I back down like a frightened puppy vying for attention. He takes one final look at me before slowly letting me go, both physically and figuratively. I move away from him to gather my things, and as I walk towards the door, I can feel his heart breaking all over again. He wanted to witness my words of regret as I sought out his acknowledgment of my mistakes. I felt a new surge of guilt seep into as I reached the door and I took one last look at him. “…Anthony.”
“…Isabelle.”
Our locked eyes peeled away from each other as I forced my body to exit his studio, never to return again.
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GREY NOON 130
Forecast Blown Wa
WEATHER
ay Out of Proportion
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Suburban Downfall I look around this neighborhood, and I see everything I wanted, but couldn't have. Houses with white picket fences, perfectly manicured lawns, and wholesome neighbors. Then, there's the girl next door. Moody and all alone in her room. Feeling like the world was against her when in actuality, everyone envied her. She was who I wanted. The person who was more into taking care of herself than feeding into the pressures of society. I never understood what "falling in love" meant until I saw her for the first time. I couldn't have been more excited to get to know this girl. But, I was too late. I waited too long, and I fear my chance of being with her is gone. She found someone who wasn't afraid to be with her and wanted her just as badly. I had my chance but was too scared of the rejection that plagued my mind. I lost her to the next person who gave her everything she deserved in life. Looking around this neighborhood, I see everything I can't have, including you. That's what frightens me at night. Thinking if I will ever be with the girl next door. Or if I should give up on that dream and move on. Either way, my feelings for her are evergreen. They'll never change as long as I remain in this neighborhood.
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Here's the Story of A Shy This is a story about a shy girl and a lonely boy. They loved each other from afar. Yet, never dared to approach one another and confess their true feelings. They sat at a distance, imaging a relationship with each other. Creating imaginary conversations and acting out romantic scenarios. Praying every night to the heavens that they can finally meet face to face.
And, that day finally came.
The lonely boy and the shy girl finally approached one another and revealed their feelings.
"I like you."
"I like you too."
"I've always wanted to know what it felt like to say that to you."
"I'm glad you did."
And so their conversation continued. They found out more about each other than anything their 142
y Girl and A Lonely Boy imaginations created.
Likes and dislikes.
Hobbies and their family life.
Their favorite foods and music.
Their film and TV show obsessions.
Books that relax them.
They talked about their friends or lack thereof.
They talked about their hopes and dreams and how they want to escape their mundane town.
They shared their past regrets and their greatest wishes.
Their first impressions of each other. ` 143
How many days and nights they longed for each other.
The conversations they would have about love, lust, happiness, sadness, anger, and passion. They shared their innermost secrets. The things they kept in the dark. They talked about their fears. The things that frightened them the most and wanted to leave their mark on this world.
"Shouldn't the world be offering itself out to us? So we'd have everything at our fingertips?"
"That's what we want to believe, the world isn't like that. The world doesn't want us to know everything right away. We're not supposed to know everything about our future. We're supposed to wait."
"But, I'm tired of waiting. I almost lost you because of it."
"I know."
They sat and pondered about how things would've been different if they never approached each other. How they're love would've been a missed opportunity and fate would leave them behind.
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Henchforth Dowdy Effort I've always had a fear of falling. It's something that's haunted me since childhood. I've lost my sense of balance, and I'm not sure when I would be able to become still again. I want to be free of this burden, but I can't seem to shake these descending thoughts. I'm falling with the weight of the world on my back, and it's affecting my senses. I'm tossing and turning mid-air, and I can't correct myself. I'm getting a numbing sensation and a surge of anxiety. My nerves ignited with dread. Dropping from the sky and hitting rock bottom seems more on trend these days than ever before. It doesn't take me much to put me out of my misery. Give me a cloudy day and a sprinkle of weariness, and I'll move at sloth speed with little to no effort. 150
How fast can you pick up on my lack of enthusiasm? You're berating me for my dull participation, but I haven't much empathy for those willing to please. I never once thought I would take my work with as a grain of salt. Yet, here we are.
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The Sea Grew Restless the Night I Made You Leave I knew it was a mistake coming down to the water tonight. Too many memories of love lost, and hearts broken. Verbal daggers crash into my mind like the tide to the shore. I meant to hurt you without consequence, without the thought of the repercussion afterward. You stood as still as the dead, taking blow after blow as my insults landed in your face. Making you suffer was my end goal, and I wouldn’t let up until I succeeded, until you cried out to the sea, begging for help. Your pain sunk deeper into your soul like quicksand under your feet. I willingly took you for granted because I was selfish. I never loved you and because of that, you sought shelter in another woman’s arms. When I took the liberty to end our relationship, I never thought I would come back to this part of the beach, to this section in front of the ocean where the sea witnessed my madness. A storm brewed ferociously in your defense, And threatened to drown me in its depths for breaking you I never saw you cry until that night. Glistening tears flooded your eyes and slowly leaked out like a faucet dripping in the middle of the night. It didn’t affect me until now as I look out amongst the sea, feeling its spite for me in the air.
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A twisted scent of salt and regret invading my senses. Your agony stained the sands once I left you wrecked, and the sea grew restless ever since.
Feeling Rectified Again I've been a whirlwind of emotions for the past few months, and now I'm able to justify why I felt that way. I'm feeling normal again after getting off the roller-coaster. I haven't recovered as fast as I would like, but I'm starting to understand the process. We all go through things that positively or negatively impact us. Yet, life is all about experiences. You experience people, places, and things. Collecting memories and holding onto them forever. You don't own anything or anybody. We strive to be the best versions of ourselves because life is all takings risks. You hope for the best outcomes. Everything will be alright even if it doesn't seem that way. Especially in the moments where you feel like things aren't going your way. You'll still have control over your life. Doing all you can do before it's too late and you've collected a lifetime of regrets instead of memories. Life is crazy. But, when you think about all the joys that come with it, sadness becomes second-rate. The beautiful days outweigh the cloudy ones. It's not about how many times you'll cry but how many times you'll smile once your tears have dried. 162
Songs that Inspired T By Night - Puzzle Muteson
Learn to Lose - Hockey
The Great Escape - We Are Scientists
Voodoo Voodoo - Etienne Daho
Before the Earth was Round - Ok Go
You're in Love with A Psyhco - Kasabian
Fail We May Sail We Must Go - Unloved
Warning - Notorious B.I.G
If - Unloved
Who Shot Ya - Notorious B.I.G
Love Lost - Unloved
Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene Hozier
Sanctuary - Aly & AJ With You - Aly & AJ
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Go - The Black Keys McFearless - Kings of Leon
This Issue Lo/Hi - The Black Keys Eagle Birds - The Black Keys Thickfreakness - The Black Keys Modern Times - The Black Keys Lies - The Black Keys Vice City (feat. Black Hippy) - Jay Rock X (ft. 2 Chainz & Saudi) - Schoolboy Q Dirty Mind - Boy Epic
Hey Pablo - Chris Lake & Chris Lorenzo Vibin - Habstrakt raingurl - Yaeji Who Says - Selna Gomez Nights Like This (ft. Ty Dolla Sign) - Kehlani A Place Like This - Majid Jordan Wus Good/Curious - PARTYNEXTDOOR The Zone - The Weeknd Gone - The Weeknd Tears in the Rain - The Weeknd Night Drive - Ari Lennox
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