ENDA AND OONA (excerpt) by Sophie Weisskoff

In the dark, we hear CHERRY’s voice.

CHERRY It was late in the night at the late-night pop-up cupcake competition Someone flips a light switch.

We are in the kitchen of a two-bedroom apartment.

We are also at ENDA’s station at the interborough late-night pop-up cupcake competition.

ENDA is very focused on baking.

CHERRY watches with the paralysis of a college actor without a prop.

ENDA It’s the late-night pop-up cupcake competition!

I drank my whole Monster and I am jittery . as . fuck.

Would you want some?

CHERRY Some what?

ENDA Of my Monster CHERRY (confused about what he means by “my Monster”) I thought you drank it all....?

ENDA (sipping from his energy drink) I was being hyperbolic.

CHERRY Oh. No that’s alright…

I had a cup of coffee earlier I really love coffee…

2.

ENDA I haven’t gone a day since I was fourteen without coffee CHERRY I haven’t gone a day since I was fourteen without touching myself ENDA (shutting it down fast) Cool.

My girlfriend also jokes about that.

CHERRY (to the audience—fast) So we’re working. He’s working. I’m working for free I’m working for free in the hopes of becoming employed in the hopes of becoming famous. It’s my dream to compete in a late night pop-up cupcake competition on the national level, and the level we’re at is the inter-borough, which is the lowest possible level of the late night pop-up cupcake competition, and during the days I’d teach after school story club, (I’d teach in the science room.) Then at night, I’d bake cupcakes for the cupcake celebrations to celebrate student achievements, though my students weren’t achieving much so I started throwing cupcake celebrations when the class went a month without vomiting in the chemical eye-rise sink.

And everyday, I’d get home from the school I’d watch all my cake shows I’d make a meal from a recipe from a blog post, post it on Instagram, Eat it, touch myself, and go to sleep And then I found out that I’d outgrown my pants So I’d get home from school I’d watch all my cake shows I’d make a meal from a recipe from a blog post, post it on Instagram, throw the meal away Eat a fiber biscuit Touch myself, and go to sleep, and then that became unbearable so I’d get home from school I’d watch all my cake shows I’d make a meal from a recipe from a blog post, post it on Instagram, Throw the meal away, eat a fiber biscuit, Use an app to order a man to kiss me Kick him out, touch myself, and go to sleep And then that became unbearable, so I went to the late-night pop-up cupcake competition company’s website And found a list of the people who had won a competition in the last three years (MORE)

3.

CHERRY (CONT'D) And I looked up the past-winners websites Where I found out the past-winners emails And I sent out messages saying, “if you want an apprentice I’m yours” …

And no one emailed me back …

So I’d get home from school I’d watch all my cake shows I’d make a meal from a recipe from a blog post, post it on Instagram, Throw the meal away, eat a fiber biscuit— …

And then someone emailed me back And it was Enda And he said ENDA Hey Cherry, Thanks for reaching out.

My girlfriend Oona usually works with me but she’s not feeling great so she can’t come to the bake-off this Saturday.

I could use an extra set of hands.

We’re professional bakers, so we don’t have much in the way of money, but maybe there’s something we can teach you?

Come out and hang and we’ll take it from there.

Enda CHERRY So while I’m working for free for Enda at the inter-borough late-night pop-up cupcake competition, I spot a baker at another station who didn’t respond to my emails. I know his face from his website but he doesn’t know who I am, so I pick up a clipboard I found on the ground and I ask him how he made his topping. And he parts his lips to answer and then Enda calls me back to our station ENDA Do you have a thing for the carrot cake expert?

CHERRY (to the audience) And I say (to ENDA) sort of (to the audience) He says

4.

ENDA Sort of?

CHERRY (to the audience) I say (to ENDA) I have a big big thing for the carrot cake expert (to the audience) And he says ENDA I can tell—he’s engaged to the sound boom holder from the Food Network So can you make a marshmallow fondant CHERRY And I say Sort of ?

And he says ENDA Sort of?

CHERRY I say, Sort of!

He says ENDA I’m going to make my own marshmallow fondant this time around, if that’s alright As we’ve only got 18 minutes CHERRY That’s alright As we’ve only got 18 minutes …

CHERRY watches ENDA work.

ENDA The carrot cake expert isn’t really engaged to the sound boom holder from the food network.

5.

CHERRY Well why did you tell me he was ENDA I liked it as an idea Brief silence.

CHERRY Is there anything that I can do?

ENDA Not right now If you want, you can…

You know what?

Just taste-test the test cupcake, see what you think CHERRY I am on it !

ENDA Great.

CHERRY (with cake coming out of her mouth) Okay.

Oh mygod OhhhhmyGOD. It’s so good ENDA Great.

CHERRY Ohmygod it’s so, so good Oh FUCK It’s so fucking good ENDA But? CHERRY (swallowing cupcake) Um. (MORE)

6.

Well there’s just like but it like, it doesn’t matter

CHERRY (CONT'D)

ENDA I want your feedback but we’ve got basically zero time left We’re basically in time debt right now So you have to talk faster CHERRY Okay! Well!

Sorry um I just think that, It’s good, It’s definitely good but They’re a little dry?

It might be better if like Sorry If we like hollow out the middle with the melon-baller and jam some jam inside? …

Sorry.

ENDA Nope. …

You’re right CHERRY Oh. Thank you ENDA For what?

CHERRY I don’t know ENDA You should meet my girlfriend sometime.

We like to make stuff together CHERRY What kinds of stuff do you make

7.

ENDA It’s hard to say.

She makes a mean ice box chocolate cheesecake and I make a mean squid ink prosciutto linguini but when we make stuff together we don’t necessarily make chocolate squid ink cheesecake prosciutto ice box linguini does that make sense?

You should just come taste our shit.

We can set up a meeting.

CHERRY So we set up a meeting ANNOUNCER And the winner is…Ennnnnda’s jam-filled quick-bake angel-cake cupcakes topped with marshmallow fondant!

CHERRY And we win the competition—by the way, Enda and I—and the next week the same day the three of us—Enda, myself and Enda’s girlfriend—we meet at 8 pm for dinner diner coffee. She watches as he and I bond about hating the president Then, he goes to the restroom.

CHERRY and OONA are at a diner.

CHERRY squirms.

OONA Instagrams her coffee.

OONA You impress him CHERRY You impress me OONA Say more about that CHERRY Your economy impresses me OONA Excuse me?

CHERRY Your economy of shirt Your economy of verbiage (MORE)

8.

CHERRY (CONT'D) Your economy of beverage Your laugh-scarcity makes me want to make you smile OONA I have TMJ—it’s an inflammation of the jaw So smiling and speaking both physically hurt me.

CHERRY I’m sorry OONA Sorry is a girl’s affliction CHERRY Sorry is a girl’s affliction OONA We don’t need any more afflicted girls.

CHERRY Sorry.

Sorry!!!

A little silence.

CHERRY is mortified.

OONA Look, don’t be sorry Just read and bake more than you talk about baking And come watch the two of us bake sometime.

The diner fades away.

CHERRY So I go watch the two of them bake And I go watch the two of them bake again They bake and they feed me, they watch me, I tell them: (cupcake in her mouth) I just feel so lucky to be here with you (to the audience) and I tell them (to ENDA and OONA) (MORE)

9.

CHERRY (CONT'D) The icing is good but your lemonzest overpowers your rosehips (to the audience) And they tell me ENDA We’re preparing to compete in a borough-versus-borough competition OONA We think you’d be a great addition to the team ENDA We can’t throw that much cash at your vibe but we can throw a little OONA Do you want to come with CHERRY And I used to think I was good at fucking But then I got older And then I got hurt And then I like stopped being so fucking stupid And I realized I wasn’t good at fucking I was good at making people think they were good at fucking me Reactivity is my superpower, or that’s what I think when I’m not optimistic (to them) Of course I want to come with you ENDA Excellent

OONA Amazing CHERRY (to the audience)

They’d bake And they’d feed me They’d watch me I’d tell them (to the couple) I just feel so lucky to be here with you I would react and they would have more information about the things they were baking they would adjust their recipes accordingly And he is like a one man marching band on Adderall He thinks fast and walks faster than most people He says things like

10.

ENDA you eat high-protein foods designed for children CHERRY and ENDA you communicate inefficiently under stress CHERRY (to the audience) He’s scientific-of-mind and he doesn’t understand when he’s embarrassing people OONA We want to learn more about your taste, yeah?

What is your favorite kind of cupcake to make ENDA Tell us of your favorite, favorite baking cupcake CHERRY Um, well I feel like my answer is juvenile I like didn’t go to culinary school OONA You do NOT need to have gone to culinary school ENDA You’re putting us into time-debt again !

Just tell us about your favorite cupcake.

CHERRY Um Ok It’s just It’s just red velvet.

ENDA (recoiling, slightly but trying to hide the recoil; it’s as if an adult said their favorite movie was The Little Mermaid) Oh. (MORE)