Vertigo Issue 7

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 1

CONTENTS EDITORS LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN JAMES BOURNE CARLA EFSTRATIOU GEMMA KACZEREPA AVA NIRUI DANIEL PIOTROWSKI ANNA WATANABE JUSTIN WOLFERS

ART DIRECTOR MEGAN MANNING

CONTRIBUTORS Megan Allison Alexia Attwood Eliza Berlage Kieran Boyd Christian Campoy Clare Cholerton Jason Cohn Constantine Costi Amanda Diaz Peter Francis Nick Jordan Erin Madden Thanhtu Nguyen Sophia Phan Irit pollack Courtney Rogers Alastair Sew Hoy Russell Tulett Cameron Whalan

ADVERTISING STEPHANIE KING

WITH THANKS TO NEHA MADHOK ET.AL SPOT PRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE

COVER IMAGE Megan Allison

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint

LETTERS

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EDITORIAL Lucien Alperstein

5

ROADTESTS: COFFEE Justin Wolfers & Lucien Alperstein

6

Going the Distance: How to make a Long Distance Relationship Work Russell Tulett

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INTERVIEW: Andrew Hansen from The Chaser Constantine Costi

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TRIVIAL DISPUTES Nick Jordan & Lucien Alperstein

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DEFAMER 13 Kieran Boyd, Amanda Diaz, Erin Madden & James Bourne SHOWCASE

16 Clare Cholerton, Cameron Whalan & Alastair Sew Hoy A Tax On Both Your Households Alexia Attwood

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FEATURED FEATURE:

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FOOD Gemma Kaczerepa

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FASHION Sophia Phan

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FEATURE REVIEW: Capoeira Anna Watanabe

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Michael Bay: The Most Evil Man In Hollywood* Peter Francis

REVIEWS 30 Thanhtu Nguyen, Courtney Rogers, Eliza Berlage & Justin PLACES TO GO IF…You’re in a time warp Anna Watanabe & Gemma Kasczerepa

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SPORT James Bourne

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Student Association & Women’s Collective Reports

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rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of the copyright holders.

Vertigo would like to show it’s respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared

GAMES

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this land for over 40,000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition and compensation for past injustices.

Vertigo is published by the UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION Printed by SPOTPRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquires

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VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 3

EDITORIAL LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN

Don’t you hate editorials? Me up on my high horse spouting this, that and the next thing about nothing while telling you what you just read on the contents page behind this one and how relevant everything I’ve got to say here on this page and how it relates to you and to the stories and pictures and pieces in the pages from here until the back page. What crap! Join me in bashing your head against a stack of newspapers!

I’ve got a lot to say and the space to write it so now listen to me! Shhh! Listen, it’s all important stuff. Did you hear the joke about the two lost cowboys in the desert? They were walking along, just walking along lost as you can be, and one said to the other, “watch out for that hole!” The other cowboy replied, “what hooooooooooooooooo…”

He was gone.

Have you ever fallen into a ditch in the desert? Was it because someone didn’t warn you? Did you graze your face? Have you ever thought about the sound of nothing?

It’s probably impossible to not hear unless you’re stonedeaf. Or what if you lost your hearing at a very early age and constructed all the sounds around you – as you lowered your cup of coffee to the table it’d make the same “NRRRRRRGGGHH” a plane does as it takes off over your head, or every footstep someone took went off like a crash symbol at full swing in a Tchaikovsky piece.

What fun!

caption competition Help! We’re braindead and incompetent and can’t think of a caption.

Send yours to editorial@utsvertigo.com.

The best caption wins a sweet prize, tax-free. Puns welcome.

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Could superman have sex or would his laser-powers and sheer strength crush and melt to smoke any man or woman he tried to hold hands with? What a melancholy existence. Are wizards morally corrupt? These questions aren’t even my own, they’re questions posed by Nicholas Jordan, a very talented man, but they plague me day and night. Like tinnitus and tinea. These are the questions of our time, these are the questions of the twenty-first century.

Can you help me? Do you have answers?

Sincerely, Lucien Alperstein. lucien@utsvertigo.com

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 5

Sydney Theatre Company presents My Darling Patricia’s

ROADTEST: Cafes around campus Too wrecked to make it through your lecture? Afraid of wandering into a really bad coffee that makes it all worse? Lucien Alperstein and Justin Wolfers have done your research for you on where to go in the UTS matrix for the ideal cup of pick-me-up.

“...funny, beautiful and heartbreaking.

Beg, borrow or steal a ticket to this one.”

The Australian

TICKETS $25-$35* (including a free Little Creatures beer for patrons over 18!)

A work for adults told from the perspective of children

Writer/Director

Halcyon Macleod

Composer/Sound Designer

Declan Kelly Puppets

Bryony Anderson

Lighting Designer

Lucy Birkinshaw

Sound Operator

Marco Cher-Gibard

Conceived, designed and created by My Darling Patricia

Production Manager

Bindi Green

Michelle Robin Anderson Anthony Ahern Clare Britton Sam Routledge Jodie Le Vesconte

*transaction fees may apply

A Malthouse Commission

PAUSA The coffee shop the interns at the ABC building make runs to. Pausa , just next to Building 6 at the top of Harris St, gets super-busy in the morning hours but service is still fast with four staff working the machines in sync (it’s very impressive to watch, a contemporary dance of sorts). The Toby’s Estate beans have a particularly smooth and strong flavour. Gotta tell ya, it’s damn good, and they haven’t followed the trend of upping the latte price past $3 (yet). Just be wary, if you get there at caffeine peak hour and they’re in a hurry there might not be quite as much love in the froth if you partake in milk but you’ll still well and truly get your hit.

8/10 UTS Concourse One time I met a friend for coffee in the Tower and it was raining and we opted out of walking to Pausa and got coffee at the Concourse cafe. Never again (except for this roadtest). It’s less stimulating than your core subject’s week two ubergeneral readings. It’s bland and milky and not even any cheaper than the others we tested. Location, location for sure, but if you’re buying it there you’re either really lazy, a sucker for pinching Equal sweetener sachets (they’ve got lots) or you don’t like coffee. Their hot chocolate isn’t bad.

3/10 MyCuppa Located on Harris Street just opposite Pausa, Mycuppa has always made me an inferior drop. They just don’t love it. Sure, their croissants are pretty nice but I’m not there for pastry, I’m there to plug a serious addiction and they just don’t cut it for me. It’s not exciting coffee. They tick the boxes - you get some froth, you get a little bit of flavour – but they just don’t care enough about the coffee and you can taste that (or can’t taste, rather). Considering it’s both across the road from Pausa and a non-UTS café the question you’ve got to ask yourself is why drink inferior java when you don’t have to?

5/10 Mecca Coffee Bar First and foremost Mecca respects coffee. They respect its origin, they respect the bean, the roast, the grind, they respect the process. They’re about coffee. They love it. And Jesus Christ when you’re goddamn addicted to caffeine you just can’t help but love them. Oh fill me up please, God yes! Just down Harris Street towards Haymarket from Broadway, the newest coffee joint on the block is raising eyebrows, heart rates, word-per-minute speech rates and inattention spans. Ever-soslightly more expensive than anywhere else if you decide to drink in but if you love coffee you’ll understand that price-talk is stupid and irrelevant.

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Photo: Jeff Busby

Performers/Puppeteers

1–17 September 2011 Wharf 2, Sydney Theatre Company Bookings (02)9250 1777 nextstage2011.com.au

Going the Distance: How to make a long distance relationship work Russell Tulett met his girlfriend of three years, Kristina, in an English boarding school, in 2008, where he was doing a gap year. Kristina lives in Bratislava, the capital of Slovakia and is studying at the University of Glasgow, doing a combined Masters of English Literature and Russian. When he’s not basking in the glory of having a gorgeous, intelligent, European girlfriend, Russell is saving up to go to Slovakia - he’s been to visit Kristina twice, and she came to Australia for the first time this year. The couple plans on living together after Russell finishes his degree, possibly in Scotland- where Kristina is studying- or Slovakia.

Holiday or summer romances generally remain just that. It’s in the name really. You go away somewhere, you meet someone, you have a good time and you come home. But sometimes, you try to make the relationship go the distance. However no matter how many promises of fidelity and phone-calls you make, it’s never quite the same. So should you be making an effort to keep things going? Or is it destined for failure right from the start?

As someone who has been in a long-distance relationship for three years, I’ve had to ask myself the big questions about whether or not to dive in.

Question 1: Is it a long-distance relationship?

First things first: If you live in North Sydney and your partner lives in Glebe, that’s not a long distance relationship. There may be a body of water between you, but it is easily traversed with that conveniently placed bridge-shaped thing. Harden up and deal with the commute.

Question 2: Is it a middle-distance relationship?

A middle-distance relationship is one covering a distance more like Sydney to Melbourne: you have to travel by plane or use up an entire day to get there by car. Contrary to popular belief, middle-distance relationships are the most difficult to maintain. I mean, Dubbo is nice and everything, but can you really be arsed to drive there weekend after weekend to visit your special someone? I didn’t think so. This is the middle distance dilemma. You could make the journey. But three months into the relationship, as you pack the car with stuff and empty your wallet for petrol money again, can you really keep this up?

Question 3: Can you trust and be trusted?

Most people would like to consider themselves trustworthy, and would like to think that others are trustworthy too. But if you’re the kind of person who

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goes on Facebook and gets jealous just seeing your significant other posing for photos with their younger sister, then you should maybe reconsider. ◊ Now this probably sounds all doom and gloom, but it’s not really. Long-distance relationships are a mix of pros and cons, just like any other relationship. Long distances usually mean time differences. This will probably mean early mornings or late nights. It will mean sacrificing spontaneous jaunts to the pub, or crashing at a friend’s house overnight. It’s important that you stick to the times you arrange with each other, and that goes back to the trust issue.

On the other hand, if you’re studying, you actually end up with more time to yourself with less chance of distraction. So for uni students, long-distance relationships can be a positive, allowing you to get your work done and have designated time to chat to your better half. And that’s what you will do. You will get to know your partner very well, simply because you’ll chat to them a lot. You can’t go to the cinema together, you can’t go to a concert, but you will always have each other to talk to. So you’ll probably learn more about them than you would otherwise - or at least in a shorter amount of time.

Plus, there’s no doubt that technology has made it easier than ever to have a long-distance relationship.

You can ring each other to say ‘hello’, text each other to arrange chatting, email each other about big news. At the same time though, never underestimate the power of the more traditional forms of communication. It feels good to get a hand-written letter in the mail. The fact that you took the time to sit down and scrawl out a letter will mean the world to your other half.

And thanks to the fact that most laptops these days come with webcams and Skype as standard, you can even have some form of sex. Yes, you will be exposed to experiences you may never have thought you’d experience. Try to keep the memory of the webcam scene from American Pie out of your head the first time you have Skype-sex and you’ll be doing well.

They say that anticipation is half the pleasure, so a long wait makes those first moments in the disabled bathroom of the arrival terminal all the more special.

What more evidence do you need? If you’re into relationships without the ruts and the hang-ups, and enjoy the thrill of delayed gratification – then a longdistance relationship could be worth the effort. Being oceans apart doesn’t mean that you have to give up on something great.

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 9

INTERVIEW

andrew hansEn Comedy writer, performer & showman extraordinaire Andrew Hansen spoke with Constantine Costi about his rise to Chaser fame, his stumbling blocks, and what he’s learned about TV comedy along the way.

What was the period like after uni and before you started working professionally as a comedian?

It was horrible, awful. I was trying to be a musician for years and having no success at all. It was hopeless. Also we were always out of pocket. It was this terrible thing where not only did we not make money but it was a venture that actively lost money.

Do people put pressure on you to bring back recurring characters?

Absolutely. The lesson is to get out before people get tired of it. We all sort of think we did too many Surprise Spruikers in the end. Although people still come and beg me to continue doing the character. I get weird gig requests where people will say, “Oh we want you to come and speak at this function as the Surprise Spruiker, just for an hour, only for an hour.”

And it’s like, an hour! Did you ever watch a Surprise Spruiker?

Those things went for twenty seconds and you want me to do an hour!

How do you deal with creative controls from the executive level?

We’ve been lucky because CNNNN was produced by Andrew Denton who managed to negotiate a lot of creative control for us which was really important. So we didn’t have too much interference. There was a little bit from time to time but it was mostly from Andrew Denton. He won creative control for himself and imposed that control on us. Thank God he did because we were totally green and didn’t have a clue and then we parted ways with him after CNNNN. Luckily Julian Morrow loves to go in swinging his nuts around in executive meetings and he got creative control for us for The War on Everything and has done since then.

What did Andrew Denton teach you?

Discipline was one thing. You need to set up boundaries for yourself on a TV show. Because when I started CNNNN I was just writing any old crap and thinking, ”Well, it’s me and I’ll just write the stuff that I like.” But then I learned that I’m writing for another show and the stuff I was doing was funny, but it didn’t belong on the show.

And was that a hard shift for you?

Yeah it was really hard. It took me those two years on CNNNN to figure that out. It was difficult. It’s the same with what the Chaser has done since then. It’s not necessarily where I feel completely at home writing Chaser stuff. More up my alley is sillier or character based comedy. Or something like the radio show I did last year with Chris Taylor called The Blow Parade.

He wrote that show and I was delighted because that’s more my type of comedy. I enjoy the Chaser stuff too, just not as much. It is what it is, so I try and write for that.

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Have you ever had non-Chaser writers?

All the Chaser stuff has only ever been written by us. Although in the second series of CNNNN Andrew Denton did bring in two other writers because he was so annoyed at how incompetent we were.

What was that like?

I think not much of their material ended up in the show. They ended up getting a sort of revenge on us. I assume they had a rather bad time working on CNNNN because later they wrote this show called The Jesters, which is a sitcom that’s based on the Chaser. It’s behind the scenes of this comedy group that is very similar or transparently similar to the Chaser.

What did you learn when you started on TV? The first lesson I learned, which a lot of people say who go on TV and have only done theatre before, is that their performance is way too big and I discovered that that was the case. I was looking back at myself just horrified and I very quickly learned to pull it back a lot for the screen. Even a simple thing like facing the camera, I didn’t even think of that.

You strike me as the main performer of the group.

We often say that if you combined us all we’d add up to one good comedian. If you added all The Chaser together you might get Shaun Micallef. Chris is the best writer. Craig is the wittiest. Jules is a producer and he understands the business of the whole thing. Chas is very good at research and this kind of obsessive-compulsive collation of data. My thing is that I play characters and music.

You also had to be “Andrew Hansen” the character. How much of that was a character?

I always thought of it as a character even though his name was Andrew Hansen. And the other guys too. I think a lot of the flak we copped for some of our sketches being too offensive can probably be partly blamed on being supposedly ourselves and using our real names. People would think, “Those must be those guys’ genuinely held views and the stuff they’re saying must be what they really think.” Whereas in actual fact, we were no more being ourselves than Jerry Seinfeld is being himself on Seinfeld or Roseanne Barr on Roseanne or the Goodies, who use their own names. The Goodies is obviously not a documentary.

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 11

Defamer

the

Trivial Disputes

Waking up every morning with another randomly chosen animal’s limbs instead of your own

The Newspaper the Queen Mother would read if she hadn’t died in 2002

Kim Jong-Il bowls perfect 300 game to equal his own North Korean 10 pin record Korean reports suggest he has also won 35th consecutive North Korean Snooker Tournament

Lucien and Nick debate the finer points of anthropomorphism as they try to determine whether a set of limbs that changes on you is an opportunity for money-making and do-gooding, or just an enormous nuisance.

FOR:

AGAINST:

Lucien Alperstein

NICK JORDAN

The possibility of waking up every day of one’s life with a different species’ lower half is not only exciting, tangible and something to think about when discussing procreation with a partner or genetic engineer - but also a potential economic, social and cultural boon.

It’s impossible to say for sure, without first-hand or even secondhand experience, but waking up with a new set of stilts every morning would equip you with a serious ability to adapt, and to understand adapting. You’d learn to think on your feet. Forget multiple personalities - multiple persons would become a way of life. Birds would trust you, spiders wouldn’t bite you, fish would let you pick them up and eat them.

An awkward childhood, I will concede, but following a challenging youth things would just keep getting better for this ever-changing creature. Money will come easily. Lucrative freak-show tour deals and cameos in films will provide the majority of its substantial income. Whole film scripts will be written around the beast’s unpredictable lower half. From a series of amoeba/insect/arachnid-fetish orgies a whole new subgenre of pornography will emerge, starring only one person. A host of imitation freaks will emerge in the industry but top dollar will still be paid for the original. Advertising revenue generated by the tens of millions of daily hits on the blog whichcreatureslegsdoihavetoday.tumblr.com will also amount to quite a generous amount of money.

If one were to wake up with a different species’ every day legs, what they could do for animal rights is a whole other story.

Empathy. Real empathy. Bono, Geldof, eat your hearts out.

Standing at rally condemning trawl fishing, this ephemerally legged sub-human would clip-clop up on her or his hoofs to the podium and start, “I woke up with a dolphin tail last week and went for a swim. And let me tell you something, hippies, fishermen, late-night supermarket shelf-stackers, John West - I know what it’s like! And it makes me sick, sick to the core that these beautiful creatures are being caught in nets the world over.” And so on.

A deformity superpower as amazing as this would lead to a life well-lived, not only in the service of others but the service of oneself.

This would be such an overwhelming disability it would inflict annoyance and difficulty on every aspect of your life. Consider that there are 1,250,000 identified species of animals in the world. Now consider why those 1,250,000 have been identified, because they’re big. Imagine how many thousands of species of micro-animals there are.

Unless you have more luck than a Bruce Willis character then probability says you would end up half micro-organism most mornings. That means everyday, not with legs, fins or claws, but with a ridiculously sized hair or an incredible amount of unresponsive goo attached to your waist.

If you were lucky enough to wake up with solid limbs, say the limp flipper of a flabby starfish or the drippy end of a slug, your body would still be incredibly inoperable, both socially and physically. For example with the slug limb, your only way to move would be to face plant the pavement and forcibly scrape your front half and face forward into the ground. If you decided that was too hard, your day would be spent excreting gluey goo into your bed in complete isolation because no one would want to hang out with a slug boy.

Aside from those obviously crippling examples, you would encounter thousands of other real world problems. Imagine trying to get a job if everyday you knew your skill set and ability to move at all would rapidly change. What would you say in your job interview?

“I just want to let you know, that although I seem very stable, tomorrow I could leave shiny goo everywhere, or not even be able to come in at all . . . sorry.”

More worrying would be your ability to have a relationship.

Forget ever getting any reproductive fun, you would struggle to make basic friendships because not only would you be so visually alarming, you would also be completely unreliable and always naked from the bottom down.

Lucien Alperstein has recently taken to mopping floors with his head.

Nick Jordan wakes up every morning wishing he wasn’t an amputee.

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ISSUE ONE VERTIGO

INSIDE: Like outside, but a little dryer and darker during the day

Lord Monckton Carbon Tour ‘A Great Success’

Record crowds flock to see deranged, deformed madman in freak-show experiment

EXCLUSIVE STUDY: Lecture Attendance Rates Fall As Semester Progresses

MANDA DIAZ

Education Editor and Secret Mason A study carried out by the Department of Education and Training (DET) has revealed that lecture attendance at universities drops dramatically after the start of semester, with only nerds and squares attending after the first three weeks.

The DET’s research has revealed that many students prefer to engage in more

Middle Eastern powers calls for peace in the West GENEVIEVE BAGUETTE-BERET Middle East Correspondent and Accurate French Stereotype The London Riots have earned widespread condemnation from all world leaders, who have called the senseless violence and looting ‘among the world’s worst unrest’.

In a special meeting of the United Nations convened last night to address the issue, member nations voted overwhelmingly for direct sanctions to be taken against the historically War-torn British nation.

UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon believes that the matter will only be resolved through strong, affirmative action.

“We’ve set a precedent in Libya. The Security Council has agreed that the only way to regain control of London from opportunistic teenage looters is with a fullscale nuclear strike.”

Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad called for calm on streets of London.

“Rioting and looting of this kind is simply unacceptable,” said the Syrian leader from his highly fortified compound in Damascus.

“Not even here in my country are the streets entirely lawless. That’s why I have my own secret government militias- to stop this

productive activities-including sleeping and refreshing facebook for an hour- rather than spending an hour watching their subject coordinator fumble with PowerPoint slides.

“Lecturers reading dense notes in a monotone and spicing it up occasionally with vaguely relevant YouTube clips was shown to actually frighten students away rather than bringing them running to our hallowed halls of learning,” said a DET spokeswoman. “Cowardly shits.”

In New South Wales, metropolitan universities saw attendance decrease, on average, from 56 per cent in the first week of semester to 4 per cent by the end of the teaching period.

“We’ve always attributed the disappointing turnout at the beginning of term to people returning late from drug-fuelled stints in Thailand,” says UTS vice-chancellor Peter Pringle. “But once the kids are back from their parent-funded Europe trips, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be at every class.”

UNSW vice-chancellor Fred Box admitted kind of madness occurring.”

The man somehow still in control of Libya, Colonel Gaddafi, stated yesterday that British Prime Minister David Cameron “must step down, but could remain in Britain.”

“He is simply losing touch with the needs of his people,” said the embattled African dictator who preferred not to give the exact coordinates of his Saddam Husseinstyle foxhole.

“This demonstration by the proud British people is an attempt to overthrow the a leader whose 15 months of power have represented tyranny without peer.”

Gaddafi then went onto compare Cameron to a pear in a senseless metaphor consistent with the despot’s oratory stylings, before mumbling something entirely incoherent.

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe also weighed in on the issue.

“It is clear that these young voices of a new generation are unsatisfied with a ruler who didn’t even win the majority of votes at the last election,” said the much loved dictator from his gold plated palace in Harare.

“I mean, this fellow can’t even run the economy without huge levels of debt, inflation and cuts the entitlements of

that the inaccessibility of the institution’s Kensington campus could be a contributing factor to the university’s 64 per cent drop in lecture attendance after week two.

“Once you’ve made it to Central, you have to catch a bus that takes hours to crawl up Anzac Parade,” he said. “Then, when you make it to uni, you still have to climb 786 stairs to get anywhere. I wouldn’t show up to my 9am Dinosaurs and Diplomacy class either – especially if it was a guest lecturer.”

Sydney University’s vice-chancellor Dr Barry Machine suggested that the 57 per cent drop in attendance could be a result of students being waylaid in the shady streets of Redfern while en route to campus.

“Not all universities can be a five minute walk from Central,” he said.

No difference was found at the University of Western Sydney, where attendance across the institution’s six campuses remains at a steady 1.5 per cent throughout the academic year.

workers,” he said between mouthfuls of a club sandwich that had cost 17 trillion Zimbabwean dollars.

NOT REALLY INSIDE THIS ISSUE Immigration Minister: Malaysian Asylum deal ‘Pretty Humane’ “I mean, we could have sent them to Nazi style death camps, but we didn’t, right? Take that.” - DOMESTIC AFFAIRS Chavez calls for a Flying FARC Says new air wing of terrorist group will ‘Give a FARC’ to the Imperialist WestWORLD, page 35 Anti West protest group to begin chanting ‘Debt to America!’

Feel it’s more relevant than former ‘Death’ line- LITERATURE, page 99 VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 13

defamerSPORT

DEFAMER NEWS IN BRIEF Jason Cohn Local News Editor and Little League Archery Target

Darts on target for 2020 Games

KIERAN BOYD Sports Enthusiast and Inventor of ‘Your Mum’ jokes Recent changes to the list of recognised Olympic sports have incited interest among international sporting communities for further additions to be made to the prestigious athletic event.

It has been over five years since the practically indistinguishable sports of baseball and softball were discontinued from competition at the Summer Olympics, with the 2012 London Olympics to be the first gathering without these historic, popular pastimes.

Now, with the decision to integrate golf and rugby sevens into the line-up for the 2016 Rio de Janeiro games, there has been a sudden interest from other, lesser codes to sidle onto the official Olympic list. The most notable example of this excitement occurred last Monday, when the Lower Milwaukee Tiddlywinks Club formed an impressive rally of over 50 people requesting inclusion. The major public disruptions gained interest from several bored bystanders and one dachshund.

In the same manner, the Domino Jeugdvereniging van Amsterdam (Domino Youth Association in Amsterdam) organised an assembly

of local teens to gain the attention of the IOC. Predictably, their attempts crashed horribly, as did their commemorative Domino tower when the local authorities arrived.

Further efforts made by the Cairo Darts Guild have too been in vain.

Organisers seem to have overshot the mark in their attempts to secure Olympic glory.

Other poor results have been witnessed across the globe: the Barcelona Quoits Society have missed the target, the London Thumb War Fanatics have found themselves pinned under the tough hand of British jurisdiction, and the League of Canadian Twister Enthusiasts have spread themselves too thin in their regime and are now all over the shop.

Closer to home, there was a less public bid by the Australian Football League to enter the familiar Australian code into the mix for the intercontinental games.

“The decision was not a hard one for the committee,” said IOC spokesperson Laurent Audere from his palace in the Swiss Alps.

“With grown men jumping all over each other in tight shorts, grabbing at

DEFAMER WEATHER Due to insufficient printing space, we’re unable to bring you a complete global weather map. Instead, we have the Defamer Global Weather Piechart!™.

balls? Non. This is even more pansy than figure skating and gymnastics.”

Audere added: “The Olympics have always been, and will continue to be, an esteemed collaboration of elite sportspeople from across the globe.

We cannot allow any, how do you say, “joke sports” to be competed in at this level. Like soccer, for example.”

MASTERCHEF COMPETITORS TO ATTEMPT NUCLEAR FISSION

Financial Affairs writer and Treasurer of the Karl Marx Fan Club

Happy Investing! *Don’t need to publish.

14 . ISSUE SEVEN VERTIGO

A university student that was handing out flyers late last week was told to “fuck off” by a member of the public, after the passer-by had been offered one flyer too many this the semester.

The flyer-hander-outerer, working the job part-time to earn some extra cash and who didn’t wish to be identified, said: “I didn’t sign up to be disrespected.”

“Do you think I enjoy handing out forms about discounted drinks to members of the public who generally couldn’t give a shit? Come on, it’s paying my electricity bills.”

“Fuck that guy”, said Ryan Halibut, the expletive-laden passer-by.

“He ain’t don’t deserve no respect, no how [sic].”

A Sydney woman has discovered the secret to applying makeup without the forced widening of the mouth and stretching of the face.

“It was easy,” she said, “I just didn’t act like a fucking idiot and it sort of came naturally”.

Much has been made of the rise and rise of our glorious currency in the last six months- but what if you’re looking to make the most of the record highs in a country other than America or Britain? Defamer brings you the exchange rates that other news sources refuse* to publish.

For just one Australian Dollar, expect to receive

With a 45% chance of chilly conditions across the globe, be sure to rug up this morning!

MAN TELLS PERSON HANDING OUT FLYERS TO “FUCK OFF”

WOMAN DOES MAKEUP WITH MOUTH CLOSED

DEFAMER FINANCE: The Strong Aussie Dollar With Michael Steamtrain

British Pound Sterling US Dollar Turkmenistani New Manat Burmese Kyat Haitian Gourde North Korean Won Costa Rican Colon Rwandan Franc Sierra Leonean Leone

defamerROMANCE

0.64 1.04 2.94 6.62 41.67 134.25 515.83 611.75 4,493.40

Producers of the highly successful Masterchef series have vowed to take the show to new heights next season in a bid to attract even bigger ratings.

In an announcement that was only seen by those who could tune into the entirety of a special 9-hour long episode of The Renovators, some of the show’s stars responded to claims that the show had lost its charm.

Among some of the challenges that competitors in next year’s competition can expect to face is the building of a small kitchen based nuclear reactor- using nothing but 4 slices of devon, a spoon and a small quantity of plutonium.

“After pulling that Dalai Lama shit on the audience this season, we need to really get back to what cooking is about,” admitted professional eater, and occasional judge, Matt Preston, between helpings of a colourless mush that he’d found in the gutter.

“And as we know, that means passion, respect, integrity, heartfelt ideas and a flair for complex engineering.”

Top 5 female faux pas

With Defamer’s resident romance writer and insect biographer, Erin Madden The dating game is horrible enough without these abominations.

I’m prepared for backlash, so call them sexist, call them ignorant, call them at least seven more times. The point is, you called and for that I thank you and promise you many more dial tones in the future.

1. Infantile babbling Addressing a full-grown male as ‘snuggle sausage’ before showering him with indistinguishable gibberish and cheek pinches is a whole new level of backward ass Freudian shit.

A man is neither a baby nor a dog, and if you think you can achieve unconditional love by belittling him to pre-natal status be prepared to have a lot of cats in your future. As for the daddy-issue circus that includes referring to yourself in the third person, goo-goo eyes and remedial vocabulary, if your boyfriend genuinely enjoys this you should tuck and roll the hell out the white panel van doors. If he wanted a seven year old with no knowledge of English we all know there are plane tickets available.

2. Labelling yourself Mrs. Your-future-housewife If you’re a female reading this magazine, you’re at university. If you’re at university, it’s because you have some aspirations other than to spew offspring from your clown-car vagina while doting the shiny proof of a shotgun wedding on your hand. This is the 21st century and you can provide for yourself, so don’t go on about ‘our future’ anything because you come across as the type to needle holes in condoms so you can spend the rest of your days playing Better Homes and Gardens. Planning ‘our life’ and not ‘your life’ shows you don’t have a life.

3. Swinging the double-standard sword Allow him to swipe his ATM card for every little thing and you might as well allow him to swipe it stripper-style on yourself, because he’s literally paying for your company. You could at least offer, and if he won’t accept then throw a present in his face as tangible proof of financial equality. You can’t expect fiscal chivalry to cover your cheque account then screech with a Rosie O’Donnell level of vengeance when he makes a PMS joke.

4. ‘The blue-whale wants some fish’ If you have to ask if you’re fat five times a week, you are fat.

Whoa tubby, don’t smoosh those keys together typing an editor-bound email just yet; I mean it in a figurative sense. If you allow a boy to feed you when you’re fishing you’ll grow to a Poseidon-sized whinger; exhausting the beautiful compliment species to the point of extinction. So STFU and buy a gym membership or hop on the ‘bootylicious’ bandwagon because no one wants to hear it.

5. Face planting into the make-up bag I don’t know what black lagoon you crawled out of, but here on planet earth we like our skin to retain enough human-like texture

so males know what they’re copulating with. I’d also like to state the obvious because clearly the looks don’t speak for themselves; finding a 5’7, tube-top wearing Nemo during the summer is not attractive. There are good fake-tans available.

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 15

SHOWCASING Clare Cholerton Illustrations by Cameron Whalan Colouring by Christian Campoy Buttons Brian’s sister had started collecting buttons when she was three. Little, big, pink or blue: round pearl buttons were her favourite. Brian hated buttons; he had choked on one thinking it was a red smartie when he was two. So he started collecting bugs and beetles instead. Little lady bugs that brought good luck when they sat on his nose, and beetles with irised wings that buzzed as they flew around his knees. One day a harmless huntsman spider bit him: it stung as much as the prick of a needle but Brian caught it with a cup and his Dad’s newspaper and one by one took off the spider’s legs with a pair of scissors leaving a brown furry button body that Brian kept in an empty glass jam jar for luck.

Alien Sex When Louise first had sex with Brian, somewhere in Central Park, she thought that he could have been an alien from Jupiter with long jelly covered tentacles tickling her inner thigh, and little suckers that attached themselves to the sensitive spots behind her ears. She heard herself croo in such delight that she too became an alien as well: her legs twisted like a rubber squid body around Brian’s neck, and bled sweet sticky honey from her pores. She felt a hand reach itself up into her stomach, massaging her intestines and an extra mouth kissing the base of her collar-bones, as slowly she exploded into an a Capella star and Brian’s eyes turned into a purple shape of Auriga.

Cold Sores Brian’s fair skin was prone to freckles and cold sores: the Herpes Simplex Virus would visit his mouth every time the wind blew too hard or the sun licked his complexion with a poisonous tomato burn. He was hunting on foot for a wild beast in Mongolia; Louise three steps behind him mounted with his equipment. They found the Przewalski’s Horse on a farm: it had had a spontaneous abortion of a foal from a critical case of Herpes Simplex. The Sun that bore down on Brian turned his top lip into a festering garden of blisters as he watched the Mother’s equine hooves support the rotten womb no longer. Louise cried bitter tears and in comfort of her pain Brian pleasured her genitals with a cold sore on his lip. Louise was treated for severe inflamed Genital Herpes two weeks later.

Twins Louise and Beth were born on the 9th of February 1986 when Halley’s comet was in the peripheral night sky. Their Godmother gave the prophecy that Louise would always be loved by the living and loved those that lived and Beth would always be a mistress of the dead. When they turned fourteen, they were given Lucy, a baby white Chihuahua. The three of them took baths together: Beth putting soapsuds into Lucy’s eyes, laughing, and Louise washing them out, frowning, over and over again. Beth called Lucy ‘Rabies’ and because Lucy was too kind to bite, Louise bit Beth for her: her canine teeth piercing freckled flesh, and the taste of the blood was metallic and amber like her own. Droplets of blood floated like wispy red clouds in the dirty bath water.

The Proposal Louise and Brian met in the Natural History Museum. Turquoise wings of rare butterflies and hummingbirds flew in front of her as she wandered past. Brian had been humming while sketching the green Diamond Boa Constrictor, which was roped around a moth-nibbled tree branch, when he saw Louise drift by. He followed her through the exhibitions of skeletal frames and fossils, trapping her outside the bathroom. He shot her down with dinner, peeled her clothes off with wine. Brian proposed while hunting for the Laysan Teal Duck in Hawaii with his non-toxic twelve gauge. The ring had been carved one-sizetoo-small out of the antlers of the Dik-dik antelope. ‘Dik-dik’s are monogamous,’ he had told her licking his lips as the ring cuffed her left finger.

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Kodiak East through the Yukon Brian wanted to find a baby Kodiak bear to stuff with fine silk rags and cotton. Louise accompanied him having discovered that the click of a camera can capture untold human thoughts swirling in the eyes of a beast. Hushing grass from iddybiddy footsteps and the sniffling of the baby’s nose triggered the click of Brian’s rosewood rifle. Through the rectangle viewfinder Louise saw that the bear was crying: watering eyes that whimpered ‘Mummy’. She let the camera slip from her hands and galloped from behind the tree to dance with the bullets accompanied by a rhythm of bangbangbang.

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 17

SHOWCASING Alastair Sew Hoy My name’s Alastair and I’m a 4th year combined Design (Visual Communication)/International Studies (Japan) student, on my year-long exchange at Kansai Foreign Language University. The uni is located in Hirakata City which is slap-bang in the middle of three of the most prominent cities in the Kansai region of Japan: Osaka, Nara and Kyoto.

I have a strong passion for animation and illustration, both of which I intend to pursue as a career down the track, hopefully in Japan. I just came from watching the latest Studio Ghibli movie (in cinemas mind you, no two-year wait for the international release DVD or torrent pirates), and being able to see the parallels between screen and reality is certainly one of the big highlights of my trip so far.

Red Buckets: Inspired from a trip to a temple in Kyoto, where everywhere seems to be these red buckets filled with water. Upon asking what they were for, the response I got was ‘Fire-fighter water’.

The Campaigner: Politicians in Japan campaign a little differently. The idea is to go to any public space (even if there’s no one around), and give a slew about how everyone should work together and that they’ll make things better etc. Perhaps it’s not that different after all.

Guitar: A member of my newly adopted Kendo club at Kansai Gaidai. I drew this for him on his birthday.

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Forest House: Some study sketches from the countryside, including some rather makeshift sheds that were used to store bamboo and firewood.

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 19

A Tax On Both Your Houses Amongst all of the petty political pointscoring, the issue of advertising the carbon tax has taken a back seat. Alexia Attwood talks to the brains behind the government’s carbon tax advertising campaign and their reaction to the public backlash.

Australia is at war. It’s not in Afghanistan. It’s not in Iraq. This war is domestic. And it’s been the bloodiest week of battle yet. The government commanders, its support alliances and the opposing rebel forces have unleashed their most destructive weapons and are on the attack. You and I are innocent civilians caught in the relentless crossfire.

This war I’m referring to? Why, the war on the carbon tax, of course - because realistically, when are we ever not talking about carbon tax? And the weapon of choice? The almighty television advertisement.

But, as Wil Anderson pointed out in an episode of The Gruen Transfer, “How good is this for democracy?”

The first bombshell dropped during a Sunday night 20 . ISSUE SEVEN VERTIGO

MasterChef episode back in June.

Suddenly the contestants put down their utensils and Michael Caton appeared on the screen, asking what will happen if we say ‘yes’ to putting a price on carbon. And once Cate Blanchett delivered her line, you knew everyone was watching.

The following day, Phil Freeman, the Climate and Clean Energy campaigner at the Australian Conservation Foundation, is sitting in his Sydney office looking overworked and underpaid. The not-for-profit sector is different from the corporate law world he left behind many years ago.

He has been fighting a tireless battle as a result of the backlash against that Blanchett-led ‘Say Yes’ ad campaign, which his foundation and eight other groups were behind. He

spends his time trawling through the news, monitoring unfair statements that need rebuttal.

“We’re still getting hammered daily in the Murdoch tabloids for any crazy reason they can come up with,” he says.

And now, more than ever, he has his work cut out for him. The Daily Telegraph launched a pre-emptive strike on the ‘Say Yes’ campaign before the ad went to air.

On a Sunday morning a few months back, a front page Telegraph article dubbed Cate Blanchett ‘Carbon Cate,’ and stated that she had “sparked outrage in the community with her decision to front an ad campaign promoting the Federal Government’s controversial carbon tax.”

Nationals Senator, Barnaby Joyce, was one politician who

challenged Blanchett’s involvement.

“I’m so proud of her as an Aussie actor ... but this is an area that’s got nothing to do with acting … it’s got a lot to do with whether people can afford the fundamentals of life,” Joyce said in the Telegraph article, although whether he had even seen the ad at the time was unclear.

Ben Peacock is the creative director of advertising agency Republic of Everyone, who created the ‘Say Yes’ ads. He admits annoyance at The Daily Telegraph’s attack but says it proves there is a lack of transparency in the carbon tax war.

“It shows how the press try to lead the population instead of reporting,” he says.

Peacock highlights the irony in the situation.

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 21

“By the news media making it such a massive story and trying to attack it, they gave it a lot of impetus … the groups didn’t have a lot of money so the ads had such a small run but they took up two days of media,” he says.

“It’s better that they’re picking on us rather than not talking about us at all.”

Freeman says it’s been a positive period, and stresses the necessity of discussion in the community and media to move forward towards climate change action. But he also believes the debate has been sidelined.

“The disappointing thing has been the level of vitriol and hate in some of the attacks. Because they didn’t want to talk about the issues, they’ve chosen to attack the person or the campaign, whether that’s Cate Blanchett or climate scientists who are getting a lot of nasty stuff at the moment,” he says.

Accepting the highs and lows of the battle that accompanied the launch of the television ad, Freeman is waiting for the other side’s next move.

“Now every industry association can threaten a multi-million dollar ad campaign and hurt you if they don’t get what they want. It’s become a negotiating tactic,” he says.

“So we can’t get cocky. This is only the start.”

He was right.

In mid-July, the Australian Trade and Industry Alliance (ATIA) began releasing anti-carbon tax ads on every network across Australia. They are set to run virtually all day, every day, and there are no signs of giving up.

The ad is comprised of a bar graph comparing the $4.9 billion of revenue from the first six years of Europe’s emissions trading scheme with a predicted massive $71 billion from Australian’s carbon tax over the same period. The ad is the first of a series of fact-based commercials to be released.

ATIA spokesperson, Ben Mitchell, believes the Australian government is misleading the public on the real price of a carbon tax.

“I wouldn’t describe this as a war. The government is deliberately not advising people on the scope of Australia’s carbon tax and that has left us with little option but to do the job they would not do,” he says.

“We’re not looking to the political landscape. For our ads we’re simply trying to better inform people about the magnitude of Australia’s carbon tax.”

Some would see this non-politicised outlook as an interesting one, given that lobbyists have been accredited with catalysing the simultaneous demise of the mining tax and former Prime

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Minister, Kevin Rudd, through a $22 million dollar advertising campaign in 2010.

It would seem that with such a track record, the government could use all the help they can get, by forming a united front with the ‘Say Yes’ campaign. But with no other income streams, ‘Say Yes’ may have little choice but to resign from the television battleground and move to pursue a grass routes attack.

“Over one thousand community level events have been organised over the next fortnight and hundreds of thousands of leaflets and tens of thousands of placards have been distributed to our supporters,” says Freeman.

“We have been surprised by the enthusiasm.”

On July 25 a number of media outlets ran stories on the outcome of the latest Newspoll results, showing support for the carbon price package had risen six percentage points.

But on the other side of the spectrum, the government’s ads have been labelled as ‘boring’ by various focus groups and accused of failing to properly explain, yet again, just how the scheme will work.

Panellists from the ABC’s The Gruen Transfer generated a lot of audience laughter as they analysed the competing ads. Todd Sampson, the CEO of advertising agency Leo Burnett, said, “the government is fighting an image war with a water gun.”

Sampson explained that the government would have been criticised either way for spending even one dollar of taxpayers’ money on an advertising campaign, so instead of spending $12 million they should have just spent $60 million to maximise their impact.

After all, he said, “Coles spent more money on milk!”

Bu Will McGoldrick, the manager of Policy and Research at The Climate Institute, another organisation behind the campaign, is pleased with public support levels.

“We’ve had people calling us, e-mailing us, getting in touch to lend support and see what they can directly do themselves, as well as contribute to the movement,” he says.

“Companies have sent our message to their staff and clients - these are big top one hundred companies … some people have turned up to rallies who are from industry groups but who personally believe in our cause. So we’ve really created an opposite voice standing up to big polluters.”

But the question on many people’s minds is – will the ‘Say Yes’ grass roots attack combined with the government’s education campaign be enough to win this war?

Michael Bay:

The Most Evil Man In Hollywood*

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 23

I was as excited as every other member of the Michael Bay Fan Club for the release of the third instalment in the Transformers trilogy. I went to the midnight premiere, my “Optimus Prime says: Stay in School!” t-shirt fitting snugly about my heaving chest, and for the next hundred and fifty-seven minutes I was in robo-heaven. Sadly, my Dark of the Moon induced high was impinged on over the next few days as I heard reviewers in the liberal media and countless former uni friends speaking disparagingly of the film. As if this were not enough, the Australian branch of the Michael Bay Fan Club was inundated with hate mail. As president, treasurer and secretary of the Club I feel it is my duty to come to Mr Bay’s aid, much like the Autobots rescue humanity.

Racism was one preposterous claim that I would like to address first. An extract from an email sent

by Tyrese follows: I admit the third movie ain’t quite as racist as the second. The two Autobots, Mudflap and Skidz, based on wildly stereotyped black men who can’t read and have gold teeth (robots with teeth?), don’t make an appearance. But the Soviets (still? really?) and Arabs are among the baddies. And I couldn’t help notice that super villain Megatron wears a sheet or tarp or something around his head like a keffiyeh (robots with clothes?). No doubt Bay thinks this a subtle allusion to Arabs.

Racist? The man who gave us Bad Boys?

Ridiculous. Without Mickey B’s 1995 debut, mainstream cinema would not have fallen in love with Will Smith or Martin Lawrence. I think we’re all thankful for the introduction. Without the great strides made by Mr Bay for the African American community there would be no Big Momma’s House, Big Momma’s House 2, Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son or the upcoming Big Momma’s House 4. That sounds like a world without laughter to me.

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We also received a number of emails authored by angry women, like this from Frances: Bay’s sexist 3D camera rapes every inch of that pseudo actress in the hope that all the pimply teenage boys in the audience will blow their load.

No wonder Megan Fox left. Jenna Jameson was less objectified.

This crude criticism shows little engagement with the film, and no knowledge of Ms Jameson’s oeuvre. There are zero sex scenes in Dark of the Moon and not even a kiss until the finale, so obviously the intent of Mr Bay was not to arouse.

More importantly though, promising newcomer Rosie Huntington-Whitely is absolutely stunning and it would be a crime if anyone tried to hide her.

If you’re complaining about how sexy she looks it’s probably because you’re ugly!

I found this email from John T. particularly worrisome: One expects Hollywood to be pro-America, but Michael Bay is American militarist imperialist propaganda disguised as robots… in disguise. In the whole trilogy the viewer’s cup doth overflow with soldiers striding around warehouses packed with military hardware and decision makers getting shit done in situation rooms. It’s military porn. Not to mention that the Decepticons, a supposedly more advanced race, are continually defeated by US Armed Forces. Never NATO though. The Decepticons aren’t so much taking over the world as America, because, well, America is the world. One can imagine that when Bay screens the film to the Armed Forces PR people that by the time the end credits roll they’re all high fiving each other and chanting USA, USA, USA! First of all, the American military could never succeed without the Autobots. Everyone knows that. Secondly, of course the film is set in American military bases, who else would fight the

Decepticons? Certainly not those French faggots!

I think John T. needs to ask himself who he wants as a world leader defending democracy against the forces of tyranny, be it Decepticon or Taliban.

After all, China manufactures the Decepticons(1).

There were some, like Julie White, who even called into question Mr Bay’s directing talents: It’s not just the incomprehensible plot, cardboard cut-out characters and 3D, which undoubtedly added nothing more to my experience of the film than a throbbing headache. It’s Bay’s style.

‘Fuck the frame’ he calls it. I agree, in as much as the frame is fucked. Shit. Of poor quality. It’s only jumpy editing, shaky camera, shitloads of CG and loud noises. And god it is loud. 7.1 Dolby Surround sound is a warning label not a selling point. I’d also like to point out that Bay is probably Hollywood’s biggest proponent of the orange and teal colour palette that seems to dominate every contemporary blockbuster. It doesn’t make the colours pop, it makes the characters look like they’ve too much spray on tan!

The throbbing pain was probably Julie struggling to comprehend what she had witnessed: a truly innovative cinematography perfect for action films and our modern age of speed and information overload. And noise complaints? I would venture to guess that Ms White is an elderly woman who tends to call the police every time there is a rocking Michael Bay marathon party going on next door. I don’t know what she’s talking about with the whole colour palette thing. Julie needs to get out into the real world. The sky is blue and people are orange.

industry in the world by throwing money away.

The United States’ extraordinary cultural dominance around the world should not be underestimated and I for one am glad that Mickey B is bringing hardcore to soft power. Better heroic space robots than China’s “goods” sneaking into our homes and lying red under our beds.

(1) [Editor’s note] China manufactures the Hasbro toy line.

Hasbro is a company based in the USA. At Vertigo, we like to get our facts straight.

(2) [Editor’s note] $195 million is enough to provide over 460,000 children in need with water, food, healthcare and education for a year. Just sayin’. *[Author’s note] One of the merciless Vertigo editors forced this title upon me. I would like to state for the record that I find it abhorrent and the worst form of bigotry: that directed at famous people you don’t know. I provided them with a comprehensive list of title options, they rejected all- ‘Michael Bay: the underdog, the man, the legend’ or ‘Michael Bay under fire’ or ‘Michael Bay: A certain tendency…’ or ‘Michael Bay for President of the World’ or ‘Real directors blow shit up’ or ‘Michael Bay vs. the World’ or ‘Michael Bay is better than you’ or ‘Michael Bay 1. World 0.’ or ‘Michael Bay brought home $80 million this year. How much did you make?’ or ‘Michael Bay fucked your Mumma and he doesn’t care’ or ‘Michael Bay brought home $80 million this year. It’s only August.’ or ‘Michael Bay took your Mumma to an expensive seafood restaurant and then never called her again’ or ‘Michael Bay: World Crusher’ or ‘Michael Bay: Cinema is explosions at 24 frames per second’ or ‘Michael Bay: blowing a building up near you’ or ‘Michael Bay says “let them eat cake”.

All these criticisms miss one crucial point. How could the film be bad when it cost $195 million(2) to make and made over $1 billion? Hollywood does not make such huge investments lightly. They didn’t become the most influential entertainment VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 25

FOOD

Gemma Kaczerepa

Spring High Tea

Spring has (almost) sprung – celebrate the end of bitter chills and rainy days with these Spring-inspired teatime treats.

Rosemary & Orange Tisane

Smoked Salmon & Cucumber Sandwiches

Serves 8

Makes 16 sandwiches

4 sprigs fresh rosemary 8 strips orange peel 8 cloves 2 litres boiling water 2 TBSP honey Orange rind, to serve Fresh rosemary sprigs, extra, to serve

8 slices white bread 100g spreadable cream cheese 200g smoked salmon 1 green cucumber, peeled, seeded and thinly sliced

1. Place the rosemary, orange peel and cloves in a large teapot or heatproof jug. Pour over the boiling water. Set aside for 5 minutes to infuse.

2. Divide the honey among teacups. Strain the tisane among the cups. Add a strip of orange rind and an extra rosemary sprig to each cup to serve.

1. Spread the cream cheese evenly over each slice of bread.

Top half of the bread slices with the smoked salmon and the cucumber. Sandwich together with the rest of the bread slices.

2. Cut the crusts off each sandwich and cut diagonally into quarters. Serve immediately.

Earl Grey Tea Cookies

Lavender & Honey Cupcakes

Makes 16

Makes 12

2 cups plain flour, plus more for dusting 2 TBSP finely ground Earl Grey tea leaves (from about 8 tea bags) ½ tsp salt 225g unsalted butter, softened ½ cup icing sugar 1 TBSP finely grated orange zest

Batter 225g unsalted butter, softened 1 cup caster sugar 1 ½ cups SR flour 4 eggs 1 tsp vanilla essence

1.Whisk together flour, tea, and salt in a small bowl and set aside.

2.Put butter, sugar, and zest in the bowl of an electric mixer. Mix on medium speed until pale and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Reduce speed to low, then slowly mix in flour mixture until just combined.

3.Divide dough in half. Transfer each half to a piece of baking paper and shape into logs. Roll in the baking paper to 3cm in diameter. Freeze the logs for 1 hour.

4.Preheat oven to 175C. 5.Cut logs into 1/2cm thick slices. Space 3cm apart on baking trays lined with extra baking paper.

6.Bake until edges turn golden, about 13 to 15 minutes. Let the cookies cool on the baking trays for about 10 minutes, or until cooled completely. Serve.

1.Preheat the oven to 200C. Place 12 baking cases in muffin tins.

2.Combine all the cupcake ingredients in a medium bowl and beat with an electric whisk until smooth and pale, about 2-3 minutes.

3.Spoon the batter into the cases and bake for 20 minutes.

4.Remove the tins from the oven and cool for 5 minutes. Then remove the cupcakes and cool on a rack.

5.To make the icing, beat the cream cheese and icing sugar in a medium bowl with an electric whisk until light and creamy.

6.Beat in the honey and a few drops of the food colouring. Stir in half of the lavender flowers.

7.Spread the icing onto the cupcakes and sprinkle with the reserved lavender flowers. Serve.

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Icing 200g cream cheese, softened 1 cup icing sugar, sieved ¼ cup honey Blue food colouring 2 TBSP dried lavender flowers

Sophia Phan

FASHION

socks

Foot warmers, dispersers of sweat, puppets … are there anything socks can’t do? Coming in variety of thickness, lengths, colours, patterns, brands and prices, we’ve narrowed it down to the four pairs you should own in your underpanties drawer.

THE FOOTBALL SOCK Known as ‘defensive socks’ by elite athletes all over the world who wear these tube-like pieces of clothe to avoid grass burns and hold in place their much-needed shin pads. I guess you can also call them ‘ghetto socks’ since, from the breakdancing videos I’ve seen anyway, with all those head spins and air kicks, hip-hop dancers tend to wear them in showdowns. Basically, when you wear these socks, you’ll give the impression that shit’s about to go down if they mess with you; which is pretty rad. Work these in the most simplistic way you can; over-do it and you can look like a Best & Less outfit gone rogue. Acceptable things that match include monochromatic shades, sweet ‘kicks’ and a cap on backwards. Just think how badass you’ll look as you swagger pass through that damn marathon of a tunnel.

THE ANKLE SOCK The ‘it-looks-like-I’m-not-wearing-socks-but-I-am’ sock that is just perfect for frisky activities. From the home to uni to the bottom of your gym bag, next to that three-week-old tuna sandwich, they will keep those twinkle toes warm and your shoes damp-free. They’re great with sneakers, which aren’t exactly the most innovative in terms of aesthetics. So you can either slip on a pair of yellow-tinged white ankle socks or whack on some sweet candy-striped shorties that will make working out seem like dancing on marshmallows with blue unicorns. If you’re adventurous, you can also pair these with flats for a preppy look. Note well that sometimes ballet flats won’t actually give way to extra fabric since they were designed for normal human feet and not Big Foot. For those who love to wear socks in the summer (for what reason, I don’t understand), toe socks and thongs are a big head-turner. Whether for the good or disillusioned, flip-flops will help accentuate the luscious silhouette that is your lower digits.

THE MISMATCHED SOCK “… you could wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle or you could wear Rocky and Rocky … or you can mix and match—moose and squirrel.” Take some advice from the annoyingly loquacious, Janice. Mismatched socks are cool, quirky and add zing to your somewhat dull personality clothes.

Whether you want to go all out and wear knee-high stripes and stars, or a more subdued look with socks just peeping out the tops of those beloved leather ankle boots, it’s a way to mess with the fashion order whilst looking pretty damn awesome. If you’re daring, go all out with clashing brights and prints and be prepared to stick a finger or two to those who obviously can’t handle your pimpin’ style. For those less audacious, go for the same print in different colours or variations of one colour in a different print.

Slowly work your way up to moose and squirrel – it’s pretty hard to rock this look unless you’re Chandler Bing.

THE BRIGHT, PRINTED SOCK A guaranteed conversation starter and potential babe magnet, these foot gloves are highly recommended. Bears, hearts, dinosaurs, rockets, whatever floats your boat; add a little bit of yourself to your outfit. A big fan of George Lucas? Rock some Yoda on those toes and you’d probably get a hi-5 or three. Bright printed socks tend to work best when worn with a fairly simple outfit, unless you’re extremely game. If you are, by all means, mash your prints together like it’s 1965 and, sometimes, it does work. Think about the colour combinations and the complexity of the print.

Lightning bolts and stripes would go well together but pretzels and cow patches? Pushing it a bit there. Normally, just stick with a simple colour palette that complements or interestingly blends with the main hues on the socks and the clothes that you are wearing on your body, that is, if you choose to wear any.

VERTIGO ISSUE SEVEN . 27

Words: ANNA WATANABE

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FEATURED REVIEW

capoeira

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Most people who enjoy an active lifestyle but aren’t superkeen athletes usually describe their perfect workout as something that “doesn’t feel like a workout”. So if you’ve already mastered Zumba, why not try capoeria – the allsinging, all-cartwheeling Brazilian martial art?

Although the description “dance fighting” may conjure up images of the dance-off scene in Zoolander, it’s probably the best way to describe capoeira. It involves a lot of acrobatics, and, unlike tae kwon do or karate, participants don’t block but dodge attacks, making it altogether more fluid and graceful.

Although capoeira is now a proud part of Brazilian culture, it was actually developed by descendents of African slaves during the 16th century as response to the harsh living conditions under Portuguese colonists, as well as a form of unarmed self-defense. Eventually the highly effective martial art began to cause problems in urbanized Brazilian areas, and by 1890, colonialists ensured that capoeira was prohibited throughout Brazil.

Because of this prohibition, capoeiristas (the participants) spar in a circle, or roda, to the music of the berimbau (a large string instrument). Historically, when an illegal sparring match was taking place the player of the berimbau would play a certain tune as a signal to the capoeiristas to disperse at the sight of police officers.

From its roots in African slavery and period as an underground sport, there is a strong sense of mateship amongst capoeiristas. While there is a skills-based hierarchy, the sport is much more casual than Asian martial arts. Fighters will slap 28 . ISSUE SEVEN VERTIGO

or shake hands before a match and others waiting to join in the duel clap and sing along to keep the energy up. You do a cartwheel into the middle of the ring to start a match for crying out loud. It’s awesome.

Capoeira will really work your legs and core. While upper body strength is needed to pull off more complex movements, capoeira works your muscle groups in proportion to their size- that is, the bigger the muscles, the harder they’ll work. This makes capoeira a great all-body workout.

But it’s not just about your muscles. In the same way that break-dancers need to be fit, capoeira provides a great cardio workout, too. Unlike boxing and judo where you kind of bounce around on your toes to keep moving, the base move in capoeira is a ginga - a three-step move that combines backwards lunges and a sidestep. So even when you’re doing nothing, you’re still doing something.

But before you go and join up, keep in mind that capoeria is a sport that you’ll want to have a reasonable level of fitness for. Don’t think you can jump into it after years of minimal exercise. You’ll also want to have pretty good core strength and a sense of humour – if you’re anything like me, and haven’t done a handstand since you were twelve, there will be some embarrassing falls.

But don’t let that scare you- capoeira is actually great fun. It’s the workout that doesn’t feel like a workout! (The next day’s a different story, though; never in my life have I been so aware of the existence of my abdominal muscles.) And best of all, you learn to count to ten in Portuguese. Muito excelente!

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REVIEWS FILM

Thanhtu Nguyen

THEATRE

Justin Wolfers

MUSIC

Courtney Rogers

DESIGN

Eliza Berlage

Captain America: The First Avenger

BLOOD WEDDING

Wild At Heart: A Night of Lynchian Delight GoodGod Small Club

Love Lace, Sydney Design Festival Powerhouse Museum, 30 July - 14 August

Captain America: The First Avenger opened heroically in box offices in America and Australia, becoming the number one movie on its opening weekend. To those that have seen the movie, it is no surprise that the public has lapped Cap’ up. It is a light, clever, and old-fashioned superhero period piece that, although is a popcorn movie, equals Thor and a hundredfold better than The Hulk. It is an innocent film that has defined clearly the bad guys from the good guys. Captain America is the patriotic saviour and The Red Skull - excellently played

by Hugo Weaving - is portrayed to be even more sinister and malicious than Hitler himself. The film’s wartime setting is the perfect backdrop in transforming the bullied-90 pound weakling Steve Rogers to the super solider, shield throwing, beefcake (with a heart) Cap’ instilling the much revived hope and patriotism to the Allies at the frontlines.

Chris Evans plays our leading man with sincerity, physicality, and conviction. Evans shines in the film, particularly in the opening scenes, where the producers used amazing digital magic to decrease and reduce his entire frame. You can be forgiven in thinking that it is Evans head placed on a skinny actor’s body. But it is, in actual fact, all Chris Evans – just 100 times skinnier, smaller, and shorter. And the later scene where he emerges from Howard Stark’s cocoon pumped full of Dr. Erskine’s super soldier serum guns a-blazing and man boobs showing? Yeah, that’s all him too. Makes you want to hit the gym boys, no?

Tommy Lee Jones as Colonel Chester Philips is also another outstanding character dishing out the patriotic and cheesy one-liners.

Marvel has certainly succeeded in teasing audiences to the upcoming Avengers movie (slated for release on May 4, 2012).

As the leader of the SUPER superhero squad, it is no wonder that Marvel Studios decided to release Captain America the last out of all of its Marvel Universe characters. The final scene – without revealing too much – is a definite no-brainer to fans as to how The Avengers will open.

For fans and non-fans of the comic book icon, this film is solid, entertaining, cheesy, and fun, and definitely worth seeing. (I took off one star from the rating because Chris Evans is only topless in that one scene. Ridiculous!)

It begins at a walking pace, becomes quickly ominous, and then bursts into a full display of all the passion and intensity we feared and wanted from the start. Iain Sinclair’s adaptation of this magnificent Federico Garcia Lorca play is full of striking colours and textures, and it has the just the right musical flavour to recall its Spanish roots without being tied to them.

Leah Purcell, who plays the mother, has an incredible stage presence. Her youngest son (the eldest son dead, the father dead) is due to be married and leave her alone on the homestead, but she intuitively fears the union. As the play develops, it is obvious that all is not well with the bride and her family, and as you can imagine from the title, it all builds into an immensely tragic climax.

I found myself remarking out the side of my mouth to my friend midway through: “Should we be in the front row? We’re gonna get covered in blood.” A metaphorical truth only, but the second half gets gloriously graphic and surreal and is a joy to watch. The stage becomes a forest of liquid amber leaves, and the characters morph into archetypes that are costumed beautifully but designed to unsettle the audience.

While the majority of the performances are strong, and the direction is excellent, Sophie Ross rankles with an over-acted portrayal of the bride. In a play about emotional turmoil and longing, she seems to only operate in binaries - either timid, or loud and bitchy, and nothing in between that helps us emote with her.

It’s hardly a showstopper though, as the performances of STC newcomer Kenneth Spiteri, and the excellent Holly Fraser really give us a lot to love about this play in addition to the spectacle. Underlying all this though, throughout the building tension and its violent release in the second half, is the mother, in her position as the bereaved in the centre of the struggle. She never lets her emotions boil over, but we know that behind her seeming strength she is holding back an ancient, bloodcurdling scream.

If you haven’t been to GoodGod yet, seriously, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOURSELF LATELY!? LIVING UNDER A ROCK?!

Funny that I should mention rock...

Located in the Spanish quarter on Liverpool street under a dentist, or doctor, or herbal medicine-man’s clinic, is the funky hipster hotspot GoodGood Small Club. Inside, palm trees, fairy lights and a swarm of old Gen Y’s just knocked off from work in their suits crowd the the main bar and seating area, tucking into some house concocted punches ($28 - $33), hot dawgs ($12) and avocado ice cream ($12) from the club’s canteen, The Dip - which is a must-try for everyone, even if you hate clubs. But, creeping off to the left, past the white rocky booths and mirrored walls that make the place look like the Flinstone’s have gone on a sexy, Bedrock/Hawaiian acid trip vacation - is the Danceteria, home to many discos and silent discos, band launches and, on this night in particular, a tribute to the music of the filmmaker David Lynch.

The doors opened at 8pm and everyone was quick to get in and sip on those Cherry Pie Soda cocktails ($8.50) and indulge in everything LYNCH. Wandering round were a few Laura Palmers and images of the Black Lodge’s dwarf projected on the wall. The stage was decorated with tinsel, leis and a Blue Velvet glow. There was an annoying three hour wait for the main act; and during that time we were treated to the delights of an accordion player squeezing out the Chicken Dance and Moon River, and an energetic tap dancer dragging men from the audience and drawing on their faces in lipstick.

When the band graced the stage, I was just about ready to leave and demand my money back. But all was forgiven when Holiday Sidewinder from Sydney band Bridezilla (along with bandmates Pia May and Daisy M. Tulley, and Pete Kelly and Jasper Fenton from Decoder Ring) bewitched the audience with her ethereal and haunting voice, and commanding stage presence. It took me back to James and Donna’s naive romance in Twin Peaks, and Blue Velvet’s Frank Booth’s preference for PBR over Heineken.

With ‘old is new again’ as a theme, one would fear the Love Lace exhibition would contain hoardes of doilies and dainty garments. Instead, this latest exhibition of the Sydney Design Festival engages patrons with a collision of innovation and experimentation with the tradition and heritage of lace.

In its third year, the Love Lace exhibition (having also been curated in 1998 and 2001), is surprisingly edgy. The 130 lace works that feature were drawn from 134 artists and 20 countries and have been selected for their ingenuity. Unusual materials such as recycled plastic bags and human hair were utilised for weaving, sewing and melding. The designs deal with diverse themes including women’s sexuality, human nature, and the beauty of urbanisation.

The exhibition is situated across two galleries, with additional works, such as Ingrid Morley’s Lacie Lorrie – an old ute with cut-outs in it’s body that simulates lace - located in the Powerhouse Museum’s foyer. Inside the exhibition, spotlights strategically illuminate works, casting intriguing shadows onto the walls of the dark space.

Expectations of dainty lace are shattered upon seeing the winning work Detroits Shadow, by American sculptor Anne Mondro. Using steel and copper wire, Mondro created a remarkable life-sized, crocheted reproduction of a 1916 Model N Ford engine. Other highlights include Kim Lieberman’s sculpture Tribe, in which the human instinctiveness and connection is presented through the contrast of heavy apes with red string. A mesh stronger than steel was used in Janet Echelman’s, Tsunami, an outstanding work inspired by the effects of the 2010 Chilean earthquake. Winner of the Built Environment category, the aerial lace installation will later be displayed above the Town Hall intersection for the Art and About month from the 23rd of September.

Although the sheer number of works in the exhibition is almost exhaustive, the challenge to the idea about lace being a delicate female pursuit exudes a feeling of inspiration.

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Sydney Theatre Company, 5 August-11 September.

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PLACES TO GO IF ... you’re stuck in a timewarp

Whether you’re sick to death of vintage stores, or just spent way too much time at your Granny’s in Mudgee over the holidays, it’s time to take a “jump to the left and then a step to the ri-hi-hi-iiight”. words: Anna Watanabe and Gemma Kaczerepa

Eat the 1970’s: CJ’s French & Fondue Restaurant Shop 4, 99-111 Military Road, Neutral Bay If you hear “fondue” and think “Max Brenner”, you’re rather glaringly showing your youth and naivetybecause no four syllables could summarise the 70’s any better than “fon-due par-ty”. No need to dust down your burnt-orange fondue pot and matching sap-green cutlery, just come on down to CJ’s for some “fondue for two”. Then leave with the searing guilt that you just ate a pot of melted cheese. Fatty.

Drink the 1990’s: Teen Spirit, Q Bar, 34B and Vegas, Oxford Street, Darlinghurst If you never quite let go of your youth and aren’t ashamed to admit that Hanson and the Spice Girls frequent your iPod, come on down to Teen Spirit on the first Friday of every month. Your favourite 90s hits will be blaring all night long and childhood films you forgot you loved will be projected in the movie room.

Bumbag and double denim optional.

See the various-decades-of-cult-classic-cinema: Cinematheque Paddington Town Hall, Corner Oxford Street & Oatley Road, Paddington From King Kong to Shirley Thomson Versus the Aliens; when it comes to cult cinema, the Chauvel’s weekly screenings at the Cinematheque are probably the closest thing Sydney’s got to a regular screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show with audience participation. And that’s probably a good thing – there’s only so much Riff Raff one can handle at the cinema. Monday nights at 6:30 are Cinematheque nights and membership is available at the door.

Do the 1950’s: Fifties Fair, 71 Clissold Road, Wahroonga, NSW 2076 The penultimate event on retro calendar is almost here – the annual Fifties Fair at Rose Seidler House is on August 21. Starch your petticoat and grease back your hair for the best-dressed awards or get yourself done up by the onsite hair stylist. Guided tour of the iconic home and vintage markets will also be running.

wUTS HAPPENING UTS Law Revue: It’s all a bit secret society-esque at the moment, so all we can tell you is: yes, the Law Society will be having its second ever Law Revue. It will be on September 8, 9 and 10 at the NIDA Theatre and it will be called Allowed In. As for tickets and cast lists… all is to be revealed, so watch this space!

Ultimo Science Festival: Are you a science nerd? Or a closeted science nerd, taking a photography course as a guise to play around with dangerous chemicals? Well cover your shame no longer! The Ultimo Science Festival will be on August 16 – 28 all around the UTS/ABC/TAFE/Powerhouse Museum area with all sorts of displays and events, including a maths-themed stand-up comedy show at The Loft on August 23. www.ultimosciencefestival.com In-Fusion Festival: If our Capoeira review had you itching to see it in action yourself, come on down to UTS’s In-Fusion Festival from August 30 to September 1. As well as Brazilian martial arts, the multicultural extravaganza will feature Sumo wrestling, Aboriginal painting and belly dancing, plus lots of free food. For more info visit www.ssu.uts.edu.au/infusion

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VERTIGO PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEW

SPORT

Vertigo’s resident sports fanatic James Bourne pretends to know an awful lot about football, and brings you this Premier League Preview.

The Big FIVE- yes, FIVE Arsenal The slide down the reckoning should continue for the Gunners this year, provided that both Samir Nasri and Cesc Fabregas leave the club as is anticipated. While the signing of Gervinho adds some more exciting young talent to the club, it’s hard to see them qualifying for a Champions League place if they continue to leak goals at the back. Prediction: 5th Chelsea The Blues should again enter the year as genuine title contenders. Not only have they enlisted another Portuguese super manager in Villas-Boas, they’ve also added to their obvious class across the park by signing one of the world’s most exciting prospects18-year-old Belgian forward Romelu Lukaku.

While the club should lead the league in goals scored, questions remain over their ability to win big matches. Prediction: 2nd Liverpool The Reds have looked to shake off a few tough years by spending heavily in the offseason. New boys Stuart Downing, Jordan Henderson and Charlie Adam are all quality Premiership players, but aren’t the world class signings that the club needs to finally win the league. In Luis Suarez, they have one of the most dangerous strikers in the game, but can he lead them to glory? It seems unlikely. Prediction: 4th Manchester City How long will it be until the club can buy a Premiership or a European Cup? The purchase of Sergio Aguero adds to an embarrassment of riches in the goal scoring department, but do they have what it takes to maintain an attack on the title? Is Mario Ballotelli a genius or a madman? So many questions that need to be answered before this team can be considered title, or public, favourites. Prediction: 3rd Manchester United I know it seems clichéd to back the Red Devils in for another win, but the club has an aura about it that can often be enough to get them over the line. Sir Alex knows how to get results, and while they may seem week through the middle of the park, and the retirement of Van der Sar is a great loss, Rooney, Hernandez, Nani and Berbatov are genuine match winners. Back them to just sneak it in front of Chelsea. Prediction: 1st

Forgotten Middle Children Aston Villa Had a tumultuous last twelve months with 3 different coaches and 5 star players moving onto new clubs. While the signings of Shay Given and Charles N’Zogbia are both positive, and in Darren Bent they now have a forward capable of scoring 20 goals a season, new manager McLeish will have to settle for a mid table finish at best.

Prediction: 9th Bolton Wanderers Enough quality players and a gritty enough attitude to ensure that they’ll stay up next year. There are concerns they could lose the likes of Gary Cahill to a larger club, but look out for a bumper season from the likes of Fabrice Muamba to offset any other losses.

Prediction: 14th Everton Still lack the squad depth that could propel Timmy Cahill’s men into European contention. They’ll hope for big seasons from their other star midfielders- Arteta, Fellaini, Bilyalatdinov and Baines- because they still lack a goal scorer up front.

Prediction: 10th Fulham The Cottagers have struggled since the departure of Roy Hodgson, and outside of Clint Dempsey’s industry, last season’s efforts were largely uninspiring. With John Arne Riise their only signing, it’s hard to see them improving on a solid mid-table finish.

Prediction: 12th Newcastle United Enjoyed a respectable return to the league last season when they finished 12th. While the losses of Andy Carroll and Kevin Nolan are huge, they’ve retained an excellent squad including the permanent signings of Hatem Ben Arfa, Gabriel Obertan, and the exciting Tiote. Prediction: 8th Stoke City The Potters earned themselves a start in the Europa League this season after a stellar 2010. What they lack in stars they make up for in ability and results. Back them in for another strong season. Prediction: 11th Sunderland Manager Steve Bruce has recruited well this off season, and the side looks to be on track for an impressive finish. 17 year old Connor Wickham has signed from Ipswich, and has already been compared to Fernando Torrescan he score more goals than the misfiring Spaniard this term? Prediction: 7th

Swansea Premier League new boys finished second in last year’s Championship, and got there on the back of a blistering run of form.

While their on field line up might be largely forgettable, I’m backing them to be this year’s surprise packet and record more than their fair share of upsets. Prediction: 13th Tottenham Hotspur Struggled domestically last year while trying to juggle European fixtures. While in Bale and Defoe they have goals in them, they still lack the world class striker that could see them hold down a top four place. Prediction: 6th See You in The Championship Blackburn Rovers Will continue to play the poorest, least interesting football in the Premiership, attract poor crowds as a result, and yet still manage to avoid relegation on the last day.

Just watch. Actually, if you enjoy football, don’t. Prediction: 15th Norwich City Will do this year what Blackpool did last start- lose narrowly to class opposition, unearth a few stars, and suffer some humiliating defeats. While they’re no Derby County, it’s difficult to see them staying up for more than a season. Prediction: 20th Queens Park Rangers The club had an outstanding season to earn promotion, again helped by the backing of cashed up sheiks. While they have a genuine star in Taabart, they lack the quality and depth to have a strong season. Should be able to gain a second year in the 1st Division.

Just. Prediction: 17th West Bromwich Albion The midlands club are still trying to find a footing in the Premiership after an absence.

Have the ability to surprise some big clubs as they showed last season against Arsenal and Liverpool. Prediction: 16th Wigan Athletic They’ve managed to hang on for so many seasons, but came close to seeing it end last year. Without the impetus of N’Zogbia, they’ll rely heavily on Hugo Rodallega to lead the line, and keeper Ali Al-Habsi to do his best in front of a weak defence. Won’t be good enough. Prediction: 18th Wolves Another side lucky to avoid the drop a few months ago. Will need a gargantuan effort to avoid the same fate this year.

Prediction: 19th

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SA REPORTS Neha Madhok Students’ Association President

Women’s Collective Every few months throughout the year, the UTS Students’ Association runs training for faculty representatives. We talk about issues occurring in our faculties, collaborate with representatives from other faculties facing the same issues and also provide training on how to raise items in meetings and how to get students involved in improving their university experience.

I attended the NSW Young Writers’ Festival to speak on the value of writing courses at universities in this era, and focused on discussing the campaign that the UTS Students’ Association worked on with UTS Writing and Cultural Studies students, to ‘take back’ their degree.

The UTS Dean for the School of Business signs to show his support for our Renewable Energy campaign, ‘Flick My Switch’. We’re pushing for a commitment to 100% renewable energy at UTS by 2015 and gathering staff and student support to take to the university administration.

Hey there, feministas!

So what is the Women’s Collective up to?

This semester we’re putting together our Women’s Vertigo, a female-identifying autonomous edition of Vertigo. We wish to thank all of the wonderful people who have sent in submissions, and we’re happy to accept more! Please email you submission to utswomenscollective@gmail.com. Also let us know if you would be interested in the design and layout.

We’ve also begun work on Reclaim the Night 2011. This is an annual event calling for an end to domestic violence and the victimisation of women, and involves women and supporters from around the Sydney area.

You can join us at the Reclaim the Night organising meetings, every Tuesday 5:30-6:30pm at Customs House Library, Circular Quay. The organising of this event is strictly for female-identifying people only, however everyone is encouraged to attend the Reclaim the Night event.

We’re also gearing up for our Strong Unions Need Women campaign. This campaign is run in conjunction with the National Union of Students and aims to boost the amount of female representation in student organisations. We also aim to dispel a few myths about feminism and affirmative action, and to address questions such as why we have a Women’s Room and a Women’s Collective and why UTS doesn’t have a Men’s Officer. To learn more about this nationwide campaign, visit the NUS website www.unistudent.com.au, or email utswomenscollective@gmail.com to find out how you can get involved in our Strong Unions Need Women YouTube series!

We have a new meeting time!

To avoid a clash with Reclaim the Night meetings, Women’s Collective will now be held at the new time of Thursdays 5pm in the Women’s Room. If you can’t come along to meetings, email utswomenscollective@gmail.com for updates on our campaigns, events and to get involved. You can also ‘like’ UTS Women’s Collective on Facebook.

Hope you’re having a fun-filled semester!

Peace and feminist love, UTS Women’s Collective

UTS KENDO CLUB Over the past several months, the club has had an infusion of young blood in the form of UTS Kendo’s first totally in-housetrained beginners. We also have two new training times thanks to the completion of the UTS Multi Purpose Sports Centre. On Tuesday and Thursday evenings the club trains in the dance studio on the end – practicing the ancient Japanese arts of Ki-Ken-Tai-Icchi (mind-sword-body as one) and Zokin Souji (cleaning the floor without mops). Both are physically and mentally demanding – as yours truly demonstrated by falling on his face during zokin souji.

To kick off the new semester, the UTS Kendo team was honoured to host Tajima Sensei, who visited the club’s training. Sensei is one of the founding members of Kendo in Australia and with the Founder’s Cup coming up, it was the perfect opportunity to be able to meet Tajima Sensei, as well as train with him.

And finally, congratulations to the UTS Kendo Team who competed in the USYD Charity Cup over the holidays, which was held to raise money for the Japanese Red Cross to help support the victims of the Great East Japan Earthquake.

The UTS team fought very well and made it to the semi-finals.

We ended up coming equal third, losing in the semi-finals to the eventual winners of the competition. All our members played superbly and, considering it was our first competition as UTS Kendo Club, we did very well.

We would like to thank the organisers of the competition and also congratulate Arial Kwok, one of our new members, who performed exceptionally well, and also the rest of the team who played outstandingly.

Steven Le and Sigmund Bautista

FREE Students’ Association Bluebird Brekkie - every Wednesday morning on level four of the Tower.

Semester Two Clubs Day

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DO YOU WANT TO EDIT VERTIGO IN 2012?

Come to our info session on September 5th at 6pm at the Vertigo Office (CB01.03.24).

More details to come. Check out our Facebook page for updates or email

SUDOKU

submissions@utsvertigo.com

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These villains have eluded capture across the centuries.

Can you find them and help restore balance to the

FIND-A-VILLAIN

universe?

Captain Hook

Lex Luther

Cruella de Vil

Magneto

Darth Vader

Patrick Bateman

Dracula

Sauron

He who must not be named

Scar

Hannibal Lecter

Wicked witch

Joker Bonus dirty word: If we undertake a Freudian reading of Lord of the Rings, Gandalf’s staff and Aragorn’s sword represent a p_____, while Sauron’s eye definitely doesn’t.

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