Vertigo Edition 4 by Megan Manning

ISSUE FOUR // 2011

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VERTIGO

........................................................... BEST (WORST) ROADTEST YET / SURFING RAPIDS ON A MATTRESS / INTERVIEW WITH A TRIPLEJ STAR

EDITORS LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN JAMES BOURNE CARLA EFSTRATIOU GEMMA KACZEREPA AVA NIRUI DANIEL PIOTROWSKI ANNA WATANABE JUSTIN WOLFERS

JANINA WALDMANN

AN EXTREME SPORT ON A BLOWUP MATTRESS

THE FEATURE: LILOING

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JUSTIN WOLFERS

WOULD WE BE BETTER OFF WITH A WALRUS AS PREMIER?

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TRIVIAL DISPUTES

CONSTANTINE COSTI + JAMES VAUGHAN

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DEFAMER

JAMES BOURNE

PRESENTING CHRISTINE PAN AND NICOLE PARISE

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STEPHANIE KING

CHRISTINE PAN

ANNA WATANABE

SUFFERING FROM VERTIGO

ADVERTISING

COVER IMAGE

Editorial

AN INSIGHT INTO LIVING WITH AN EDITOR

CONTRIBUTORS

NEHA MADHOK ET. AL SPOT PRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE

JUSTINE NOIR

MEGAN MANNING IRIT POLLAK

WITH THANKS TO

Soapbox

ROADTEST: A SONG WORSE THAN FRIDAY

ART DIRECTORS

MIKE BEBERNES KIERAN B OYD CONSTANTINE COSTI ALEX CRAIG PETER FRANCIS NICOLE PARISE NUSRAT SULTANA ETHAN TUXFORD JAMES VAUGHAN JANINA WALDMANN

SHOWCASE

MUSIC AND HIPSTERS AT TRIPLE J WITH A DJ

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THE INTERVIEW: LEWIS MCKIRDY CARLA EFSTRATIOU

A COMPANION PIECE FOR ISSUE 2’S “MIND THE GAP”

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BEWARE THE CLOSING DOOR PETER FRANCIS

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FOOD AND FASHION GEMMA + CARLA

FEATURE REVIEW: SNOOP DOGG DOGGUMENTARY

29. Vertigo and its entire contents are protected

FEATURE REVIEW

AVA NIRUI + ALEX CRAIG

by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and

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republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of the copyright holders. Vertigo would like to show it’s respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now

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REVIEWS

ANNA, DANIEL, JUSTIN, ETHAN + LUCIEN

PLACES TO GO IF...

stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40,000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment

to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the

recognition and compensation for past injustices.

Vertigo is published by the UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION

Printed by SPOTPRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquires

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Sport

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S.A Reports

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Disaster or a Restoration of the Eco-Balance

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Games

JAMES BOURNE NEHA MADHOK + TIM ROYLETT NASRAT SULTANA

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

soapbox L etters & opinion

Vertigo reserves the right to edit letters for design and sense-making purposes. Have your say on our Facebook page (Vertigo) or email us at editorial@utsvertigo.com

hate mail (KINDA) of the week NO OFFENCE, BUT YOU SMELL SEXIST

A FIRED UP EDITOR’S REBUTTAL. . . A LITTLE OFFENDED

Vajazzling, boob jobs, Vertigo this year has had a certain odour. At first I thought, maybe they’re using scented paper, but then as I read on I recognised the scent, was that sexism disguising itself as feminism? Vajazzling is not, nor has it ever been, nor will it ever (well it’s highly unlikely) be an act of ‘social activism’. It is not comparable to the Feminism of the 60’s and the 70’s, Germaine ’Screech’ who has worked for the cause (Germaine isn’t the only feminist and is actually quite softly spoken) and I’m pretty sure the suffragettes were rolling in their boxes when those articles hit the stands. Likening vajazzling to the movement detracts from what these Womyn (and the occasional man) did to improve our lives. Feminism is about choice, I do want to make that clear, if you choose to vajazzle, enhance, pierce, tattoo, decrease, increase, tint your body that can be a feminist choice. However if you feel the need to change your appearance to somehow gain ‘empowerment’ or to even out the male/ female equation I would suggest something is wrong, this is not a feminist choice it is the opposite of feminism. When a woman feels the need to change her body to suit men, or even just to feel ‘accepted’, ‘pretty’ or ‘as a woman should be’ we have a problem. It’s not like we’re saying if your pubes aren’t 2.5 inches long, if you don’t have some darkening on your upper lip, armpits plusher then nanna’s shag carpet and if the hair on your legs don’t resemble a pair of tights you’re objectified/exploited or anti-feminism, what we’re saying is the motivation behind your actions has more to do with feminism then your actions do. And no amount of Swarovski crystals can change that. P.S. We don’t hate Vertigo, we actually kind of like it. It’s just that we don’t want to read articles you’d find in Girlfriend.

A rant by Soapbox Editor Daniel Piotrowski

Sarah and friends, your moderate feminists on behalf of the UTSSA Women’s Collective.

Check out an undergrad student’s reply to Issue 3’s hate mail from a mature aged student at utsvertigo.com Also: enter our hate mail competition for the chance to win an exclusive Vertigo calico bag inscribed with ‘UTS VERTIGO: GET FUCKED’ Details on our website.

I’m a 20-year-old man, and I think I’ve probably only thought about feminism once in my entire life. I don’t think it’s ever warranted me thinking about it again. Why? Because I’ve been surrounded by strong women my whole life. I’ve got an older sister, a mother and two grandmothers. All successful in their own lives. I’ve got female friends who can shut me down far better than any of my male ones. Half the Vertigo editorial team are women. And I’m a Communications student – I couldn’t escape them even if I wanted to. I’ve grown up never thinking that women were anything less than my equals. I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by beautiful, talented women everyday. But why is it that when I write the word “beautiful”, I feel like I’m going to be shouted down by so-called “feminists” labeling me a misogynist? Vertigo’s received complaints that two of our articles – about vajazzling and plastic surgery – reek of sexism. Why? Because they talk, in a (mostly) serious and fair-minded tone, about the lengths some women go to feel “beautiful” – whether through plastic surgery or, for god’s sake, by affixing crystals to their vaginas. And apparently these articles suggest women need to change their appearance to suit ‘society’s’ standards. Vertigo wasn’t advocating that. But it was shedding some light on why people do these things. I agree that we “have a problem” when women feel like they need to transform themselves because of social pressures. That’s not healthy. I don’t think that’s the way it should be. But it seems like through allegations of sexism, we’re always blaming men (at least subtly) for why things are the way they are – no matter what generation they are, no matter how far away we are from the 1950s. I don’t think it’s reasonable to imply that just because I’m a male and I’m attracted to some women more than others, I’m causing society to force females into embracing some false conception of beauty. I don’t think it’s my fault – or Vertigo’s fault -- that some women have an idea of what’s “beautiful” and are willing to go to any lengths to achieve it. And I certainly don’t think it’s reasonable to suggest that it’s not okay to talk about it in the pages of Vertigo. Does anyone really think Vertigo wouldn’t publish an article about men decorating their dicks with jewellery? If it’s happening, let us know. But I guess if we ran that we’d be Ralph or Cosmo?

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ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

EDITORIAL

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Underneath Broadway, in the deep, dark, depths Of a tall, scary Tower they call “UTS”, There’s a small little office, With an awf’ly big mess. And inside the office there’s a small, tiny space, Where an even smaller person holds her hands to her face. “I’m screwed!” She yells, as she picks up the phone. Anna couldn’t write an editorial alone! “I need your help,” she said, sobbing down the receiver, “My writing’s as bad as that kid, Justin Bieber!” Now, I’m not a proud person, but I know I’m of use, Who’s better at writing than me, Dr Seuss? What’s that, you say? You think Tolkien’s much better? I’ve heard finer stories by a block of wet fetta! To you, tasteless reader, I’ve just one thing to say, It’s not your “high standards” that keep date-nights at bay, It’s your shit judgement of books (and your growing collection, of love handles from recently consumed confection.) So while it’s not quite as clever as me, And, let’s face it, who is quite as clever as me? Issue 4 of Vertigo is as good as it’s been: They’ve got letters and regulars, and all of that crap, And a funny response to, “Minding the Gap”. Peter Francis got clever with the Issue 2 article, Turning it onto its head, making it quite farcical. And if that’s not enough, I tells you, there’s more! Ever wanted a “Walrus for Premier” before? It’s a Dispute and it’s Trivial. It’s on page fourteen, But, it’s not Bazza O’Farrell dressed up for Halloween. But worse than pollies who think they’re all that, Is that shitty song “Friday” by tweenie, Becca Black. And a song worse than hers is this issue’s Roadtest. Plus Justin who knows, that we know he knows best, about riding a mattress down scary, slurpy, rivers, has written a feature that’ll give you the shivers. So with that information I bid you adieu, I, Dr Seuss, have better things to do. Plus I’m expensive. I hope Anna knows, to be expecting an invoice With six or seven zeros. -Dr. Seuss, on behalf of ANNA WATANABE editorial@utsvertigo.com

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ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

ROADTEST: WRITING TERRIBLE SONGS Vertigo readers will be pleased to know that, despite being locked away in the darkest depths of The Tower building most days, your editors are not immune to viral videos- if anything, our unique ability to procrastinate makes us more susceptible to them. And if there’s anything we’ve learnt from the countless hours we’ve spent on YouTube over the past month, it is this: Rebecca Black’s Friday is the worst thing we’ve ever heard. Bearing this in mind, the editorial team, lead by songwriter-in-chief Justine Noir, undertook Vertigo’s most ambitious roadtest to date: to see if it was possible to write a song with less merit than Black’s cult hit- in just fifteen minutes. The result: Munday. MUNDAY (Justine Noir; 2011) Yeah, yeah, yeah, Life, life, life, 8.27, gotta do up my shoelaces, Three minutes till my bus comes, I put my ticket in the ticketing machine, I take it out of the ticketing machine and sit down. Students sitting in the middle of the bus, Businessmen sitting in the middle of the bus, I get to school but no one’s here. I go to class and sit down, But no one else is sitting down, Gotta start my class, But whe-e-e-re is my class... It’s Monday, school day, Wanna go and stud-ay, The cleaner came in and said I’m early, early. Monday, school day, Wanna go and stud-ay, But daylight savings changed and I’m early... Sitting in class - yeah! Chewing gum - yeah! Gum gum gum gum Daylight savings. 8 slash 9.56 and my classmates arrive, Teacher tells me to pull up my socks, Socks, socks, pull up my socks, They are made of cotton. I am me as you are he and We are all togeth-errrrr, In class, out of class, All wearing so-ckssss.

I get to lunch and sit down, Back to class and sit down, Gum on my chair, but it’s dry, Should I stand back up? It’s Monday, school day, Gotta go to the park to play, The birds are walking around, around, Monday, yeah! Sitting down on Friday, Everybody’s looking forward to Geograph-ay, Studying studying yeah! Geothermal energy yeah! Sun sun sun sun, Warm core, warm sun! Goodmorning Miss Thom-as, You are wearing nice soooooocks I’m okay how about you? Good good good good good good, Gonna study tonight, gonna have a shower, Tomorrow is Tuesday, I’m getting a new pencil case, I don’t mind if it’s pink or purple. RAP V-Dub, Vertigo, So you like shoes and socks and gum and geography, And birds and pencil cases, That’s great, cool!

The Verdict: A UTS PhD Writing Students “In her 2011 song ‘Friday’, Rebecca Black presents a Marxist critique of the powers of hegemony. Her Althusserian condemnation of the enervating effects of the ‘weekend’ is powerfully constructed through her deeply ironic lyrics. The bleak and pessimistic ‘gotta get down on Friday, everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend’ displays an understanding of the ways in which the exploited masses are convinced that the weekend brings freedom, when in reality the weekend frivolity will just prepare them for their continued role as slaves to the capitalist system. Through lyrics such as ‘partyin’, partyin’ (yeah)’, Black is attempting to overcome this false consciousness and activate her listeners towards revolutionary action. By contrast, ‘Munday’ is just shit.”

To see the video for Munday and our other roadtests, check out utsvertigo.com . o6 .

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

LIVING WITH AN EDITOR

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ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

BEING EDITOR OF VERTIGO IS AN ENDLESSLY EXCITING AND ULTIMATELY REWARDING PRIVILEGE. BUT FOR AN EDITOR’S FLATMATE, THE EXPERIENCE IS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. JANINA WALDMANN LIVED (JUST) TO TELL THE TALE. In order for the subject of this article’s dignity to remain intact, I have promised her some degree of anonymity. Let’s just say she’s the one with the unpronounceable last name. Oh wait, that’s all of them. Let’s just call her G. At first the changes to G’s behaviour were minimal. Her phone bills started to skyrocket and I’d frequently come into a room to find her forcefully emphasising, ‘No but I told you’. I often wonder if I missed all the early warning signs and peacefully went along with my day-today activities when I should have screamed, ‘HALT!’ and dramatically demanded she give up her editorial position/ move out/rent a second flat/start abusing prescription medicine. These days it is not uncommon to be mid-conversation with G over hot chocolate only to find that, aside from sporting her best spaced-out face, spoon hovering somewhere between cup and mouth, a tiny bubble of drool threatening to drop at any second, she hasn’t taken in anything I’ve said in the last few sentences and is instead floating high above me in a subediting-induced haze. I haven’t found a cure yet, but I am hopeful that something other than raising one eyebrow and waiting for her to glance up at me will one day be effective and save thousands of other editors’ flatmates from rage blackouts. Aside from the blatant neglect, there’s the abuse. I have endured it all. I have narrowly escaped the forceful ingestion of blended breakfast materials (later described as ‘vomit that someone had farted in’), I have been harassed on a near daily basis to please, please contribute, until I caved and wrote this article. It seemed like the less painful option, with the other being involuntary amputation of both my ears. I have been begged, bribed and blackmailed. I have been witness to the last minute catastrophic breakdowns, have listened on in horror to uncontrollable giggling from the direction of her bedroom in the early hours of the morning, and have backed slowly from a room when the euphoric hysteria that follows the eventual delivery of the next issue to the printers begins. Yes, the world of an editor is a terrifying one. When G is stressed about Vertigo-related issues, I cease to be her dear friend and confidante and suddenly and unexpectedly morph into all seven other members of the editorial team, as well as various other people who have ‘fucked everything up’ – that is, the punching bag to her angry blows. What was once that forceful, ‘No but I told you’ has become a fuming, ‘FOR FUCK’S SAKE!’ Our home becomes a terrifying battlefield where I, who she believes to be a fire-breathing dragon, hide in terror behind couches, in cupboards and under doonas, as my favourite editor gallumphs through the house brandishing various implements of torture, shrieking, ‘ffffuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkk.’ As you can see, the F-bomb has become her most commonly used monosyllabic phrase, followed closely by ‘shit’, ‘balls’ and ‘LEAVE!’ So whether it’s Vertigo or Vogue, if your flatmate informs you of their choice to take up an editorial position on any given publication, be ready to bear the scars. Be prepared to deal with 1am breakdowns, and to come out of the experience with bruises and welts, flesh wounds and broken bones. But I don’t worry too much. I’ve heard that all the symptoms of being an editor are largely reversible and that come graduation, I should have my dear friend back to normal. Well, as normal as can be expected from her.

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“OUR HOME BECOMES A TERRIFYING BATTLEFIELD WHERE I, WHO SHE BELIEVES TO BE A FIREBREATHING DRAGON, HIDE IN TERROR BEHIND COUCHES, IN CUPBOARDS AND UNDER DOONAS...”

F E A T U R E

Justin Wolfers

Liloing. An all-natural, all-wilderness adventure and the greatest form of locomotion since chariots. Liloing (v.). Lie-low-ing. An adventure comprised of the following activities: gathering your most daring friends; visiting an army disposal store or camping shop and buying a tough single-bed blow up mattress; going to Bakerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Delight and buying herb and garlic pullaparts; inserting these items into a backpack; driving up to the Blue Mountains, into Wollongambe National Park; finding yourselves an area with a flowing river.

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Now you’ve hiked down to the bottom of a canyon and the water is blissful clear and sun-kissed on the top six inches. You blow up your mattress. You high-five your friends and take underwater photos that don’t come out. You spend the next six hours floating, paddling, riding, and clambering down a river in complete wilderness. You do not see a single other human this whole time.

The polar halves of the quintessential Australian experience are provided for. Wilderness: There is something instinctive and therapeutic about being surrounded by completely pristine rock formations. The city bustle is now the flowing of the water; the motor hum is now birds; the air conditioning is now the tree canopy.

Adventure: Sheer exhilaration. The most okka and adrenaline-junky of Australian men wouldn’t pass up the rapids and the short waterfalls and the rock-scrambles that are truly more awesome than what any $200 can get you in a theme park or on a night out.

Sadomasochism Melbourne Bushwalkers Inc. refers to liloing as “the art of enjoying oneself paddling down a river on an inflatable rubber mattress, shooting the odd friendly rapid.” The ‘oddness’ and the ‘friendliness’ of the rapids depend heavily on the weather and on your location, and it’s fair to say that in fast-flowing conditions, things can get much more hectic than a ‘paddle’. But, this can be a good thing. As international expeditioner Halex BoiTellem puts it, “I’m a little bit of a masochist and I really enjoy bruises and cuts and scrapes so it presents an interesting opportunity to bang myself up.” But as she says, it’s not cruelty because it is extremely enjoyable. “It’s consensual. It’s a consensual, pleasurable beating.” That might sound like a gimmick but it’s true – the hardship you go through makes liloing that much more gratifying as you open out from the rapids into the long, blissful stretches of calm waters. You flip onto your back, you observe the canyon from underneath. Planning & Safety Planning is imperative. Mountain adventurer Russell Fitzgibbon explained the importance of preparation: “It can definitely be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. People have died at the exact same spot [Wollongambe River] just through getting lost. But if you have a map, the proper equipment, and a proper overview of what you’re doing, you should be alright.” The death that Fitzgibbon mentioned occurred last year on a liloing trip, but even a sensational Sydney Morning Herald article on the death admitted that liloing in Wollongambe is “not viewed as particularly dangerous.” Police and National Parks Officers are right, however, to ask adventurers to exercise caution. Recently, several dangerous episodes have been the result of daredevils disobeying signs and weather warnings. Police Inspector Mick Bostock commented on a series of reckless endangerments by saying, “it is frustrating to the extreme that people demonstrate a total disregard for their own personal safety, and as a result the potential danger to police officers and other emergency services personnel who have to come to their rescue.” Melbourne Bushwalkers Inc.’s Introduction to Liloing suggests helmets, buoyancy vests and other safety items I’ve never used on a trip. These are obviously available if you want to take thorough precautions. One thing that is readily available, and highly recommended, is an emergency GPS beacon. These can be borrowed at National Parks offices if you’re unsure of your movements or want that extra safety net. Dangers and how to overcome them DANGER Snakes. You will probably see one on your walk down to the river

METHOD Chill. Just walk around it. Or as Ambulance NSW puts it: “snakes aren’t normally aggressive and will only bite when provoked…if you see a snake leave it alone and walk away NEVER try to catch or kill a snake.”

Rocks. Specifically, getting In rough water, either walk or lilo. Don’t float, or frolick, or ‘enjoy smashed on them while in the scenery’. Natural rivers have rocks jutting out of every-which direction, and they like to abuse you if you’re sploshing about. the river. As Mrs. BoiTellem puts it: “Abandon your fear of death and enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with having your limbs thrashed about by rapids.”

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

Feel the rhythm, feel the ride There are gliding portions and paddling portions and get-out-and-throw-your-lilo-ahead-and-scramble portions, all in their measure, all as the river pleases to lay it out for you. Russell Fitzgibbon describes the “rivers that change from deep and slow in one part, to fast and skittery in other parts.” It’s liberating to be floating on the whim of something so old, majestic and beautiful, and to have no control, like a fling with Meryl Streep. Ahh.

Anecdotal Evidence “The river was furious that day, it was an angry, angry day for the river. Previously I had untied my shoelace in order to try, in vain, to stop another lilo’s leak, and so I was left with a shoe flopping aimlessly around. To make matters worse they were the most terrible kind of shoes for this adventure [suede booties in a river] because I had been in the city the night before. But essentially after coming down a rapid at the wrong angle I was stuck, and the force of the water, as much as I tried to keep my shoe attached to my foot, got too much for it, and I lost it, and it was just gone in a flash, and it’s probably a home for eels and fish now. It’s probably a throne for the fish king.” -Russell “Mountain” Fitzgibbon.

Bliss Aside from the potential dangers, the scenery is something to behold. Outdoorsman and nautical expert Dabe Matthews explains that the walk one might take on a canyoning adventure is a journey through different Australian terrains. “It was very exciting coming down through such dry, typical, bushland and as we got deeper we came into this tropical environment… and then stumbling out into the cliffs where it was drier still.” There are also prehistoric rock formations beneath Wollangambe Canyon where the water’s drip has traced, over thousands of years, cavernous holes into the rocks that still maintain their shape. Halex BoiTellem related to me her “acute sense of insignificance on the planet in relation to the great beast that is NATURE.” Rarely in life do we have the opportunity to immerse ourselves in nature so fully and have it be so uncontrived. There’s no cutesie signage and flora descriptions, there are no handrails, there’s no dorky tour guide (although if you want to pay $300 a head for a tour akin to the one I’m describing you can). It’s just you, your friends and Terra Australis. It certainly does away with some of my European invader guilt to be so engulfed by the natural world. There is no way but forward with the river, you can’t App your way out or phone-a-friend – you are extremely simple for once. Or as Russell Fitzgibbon puts it: “prepare well, and embrace yourself in nature’s urine.” For some more detailed and comprehensive trip suggestions, see www.melbournebushwalkers.org. au, www.wildwalks.com, talk to your local National Parks office, or pick up a topographical map of Wollongambe and go for it.

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ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

TRIVIAL DISPUTES With Barry O’Farrell now officially the Premier of NSW, James Vaughan and Constantine Costi debate the merits of the Premier we could’ve had.

WALRUSES AS POLITICIANS FOR: James Vaughan

AGAINST:

Constantine Costi

Walruses. They’re colossal, slimy when wet and feature two excellent tusks. They’re fantastic warriors, bold lovers and can eat well over one thousand potato chips in a single sitting. In short, they are beautiful creatures. And yet, it’s the year 2011, and we’re still without a single walrus in Parliament. Walrus for premier? Great idea, you’re thinking - with walruses we’d finally get the kind of leader we’ve been waiting for: absurdly large and heavy, brimming with new perspectives on the old issues of labour shortages, deregulation and privatisation, and unafraid - in fact I’d say willing - to sleep on a big slab of ice. So what are the chances Barry will be clearing his desk for a handsomewhiskered specimen? They’ve never been slimmer. In preparation for this article, I went for a stroll down to Macquarie St with the intention of inspecting the facilities in the NSW lower house. I was looking for a few things in particular: a large winch for pulling a beast of significant weight from the foyer into the parliamentary chamber, a detachable hose on the wall in most rooms for hosing down a thirsty aquatic mammal; a great bench (next to the regular frontbenches), fully equipped with moulded grooves and belts to ensure a blubbery pinnipedian can rest comfortably while listening to members of parliament raise topics before the house. Needless to say this apparatus would be fitted with a microphone holder, allowing an elected walrus to contribute fully to parliamentary discussion. However, to my great disappointment, I discovered NSW has no such facilities. Walruses, while lacking talent, motivation and a cogent political vision for our state, remain conspicuously absent from the corridors of power. There’s no way around it: the failure to pave the way for incoming walruses is a national shame. The dream of a majestic walrus lounging in our parliamentary chambers will remain just that until serious decisions are made by sitting politicians and key public servants to get the infrastructure in place. The time for chatter is finished. Sadly, familiar as I am with the back-bones (or lack thereof) of our politicians in NSW, it’s hard to see changes happening any time soon.

This is outrageous! What has a walrus ever done for us? They’re lazy, dole-bludging and a burden on the healthcare system. If a walrus Premier was elected you’d be opening the floodgates. What’s next? Oysters on the backbench? A flamingo Speaker? A tadpole Treasurer? The lower house would become some sort of nightmarish aquatic wonderland! What do you suppose would happen to the budget? I predict money would be taken away from hospital beds and our raw shrimp imports would go through the roof. And it’d be the taxpayer who’d cop it on the chin. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see my hard-earned money going straight into the already bloated belly of some hedonistic walrus in the form of raw prawns. These walruses stand against everything this country holds dear. Where were the walruses at Gallipoli? Kokoda? East Timor? Trafficking heroin to blind orphans? Knowing the shady, anti-social tendencies of many walruses, I wouldn’t rule it out. Look, it’s all well and good to say, “Let’s have a walrus Premier, it’ll be great.” And yeah, I can definitely see the appeal of a walrus in a bowler hat propped up against the podium promising all kinds of voting rights for gulls. But how could this walrus respond in Question Time? One flipper slap for yes, two for no? It could be manipulated to regularly cross the floor with a bucket of sardines. And I’m sure you remember the ill-fated Venezuelan Premier Octopus Jones of 1973. Though a sterling orator, his tough stance on oxygen led to havoc across the fair state of Barinas. History once again is the hot pavement melting away the dropped ice cream of idealism. Send them back to the aquarium I say. It’s unnatural and it’s un-Australian. They’re certainly not like those whales. Now there’s a mammal that was born to run this State.

James Vaughan is a MAP student and writer. He has recently completed a philosophical thesis on the “popular” footwear brand, Crocs.

Constantine Costi is a MAP student who holds the state record for the most BBQ sauce consumed in a minute (4 litres).

Next ISSUE: Is it wanky to speak to your friends in European languages when you’re both native English speakers?

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Defamer ISSUE VERTIGO ISSUEFOUR ONE VERTIGO

the

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Royal Wedding Lifts Britain Out Of Debt

James Bourne Professional Hounder of Royalty and Former Eunuch in the Court of Queen Elizabeth II

The wedding came at an opportune time for Britain, with the nation facing unprecedented levels of debt and job cuts. There are now plans in the works to stage royal weddings whenever the nation is particularly short of cash. The large corporate sponsorship at last The win-win situation has also seen the month’s wedding of Prince William and Princess Catherine has freed Britain of all companies behind the sponsorship refinancial hardship, Prime Minister David port huge increases to their bottom line. The BP™ cap that Prince William Cameron has announced. wore throughout the service has helped The sale of certain parts of the GE™ to both pay for the oil spill in the Gulf Wedding Ceremony has proved a great of Mexico and restore faith in the oil success, with the windfall being passed company. onto taxpayers. Coca-Cola also got in on the act during “We can report that all austerity measthe exchanging of vows. In now famous ures will be put on hold,” Cameron said. scenes, when asked if he took Catherine “While the decision proved unpopular to be he lawfully wedded wife, William among a small, traditional sector of the electorate, I doubt that the average view- drew a bottle of cola from a pocket, looked er really noticed a difference between the straight down the lens of the nearest camera, and took a long, refreshing gulp of the overly commercial telecast and normal drink, before declaring, “I do now.” television.”

McDonalds have also reported that sales of the ‘McRoyal’ Burger have increased by over 5000% following the emblazoning of the Golden Arches on Kate Middleton’s shoulder blades as she paraglided into Westminster Abbey throwing cans of V Energy drink at the congregation. Unsurprisingly though, the event’s greatest money-spinner proved to be the traditional sale of commemorative plates and teatowels, with a combined total of over 7 billion believed to have been sold worldwide. Such a figure equates to 25 teatowels per old lady, a figure most commentators believe to be accurate.Ω Australia’s most prominent monarchist, Alexander Downer, says the result justifies the continued presence of the monarchy- even if nothing else does.

blackest death, unspeakable despair and poor economic growth plague the land. “He may have the one ring,” said one Orc, “but we have the power of the endless hordes. And Twitter.” Sauron remains defiant. “I have survived the Numenoreans. Do you think this scares me?” he told reporters. Conditions continue to worsen for protesters as Sauron has cut off all supplies of food and water. There are also rumors of dissenters being killed in the dozens by ring wraiths, who remain loyal to Sauron, but these reports remain unsubstantiated. Sauron’s grip on his nation appears to be crumbling as many of his closest Mike Bebernes advisers flee his side. Just yesterday Mount Doom Correspondent reports emerged that his lead general, The Witch King of Angmar, has escaped Unrest at Barad-dud escalated for the fifth straight day as throngs of Orcs, Trolls to Malta. Pressure increases to mount on peaceful and evil men gathered to protest, calling for an end to millennia of Sauron’s rule as states outside the Black Gate to intervene in order to prevent further atrocities upon Dark Lord of Mordor. In a scene familiar to the realms of many the people of Mordor. Eldarion, king of Gondor, deferred responsibility. other unpopular rulers in recent months, “We must not interfere with the affairs protesters have come from as far as the Ash Mountains to display their discontent of other states, but we must also send a message. The message is this: You time over Sauron’s rule, which has seen the

of rule is over Sauron. May your reign burn in the fires of Mount Doom.” Outside powers seem reluctant to take on the task of rebuilding Mordor. Elrond, Elven Lord of Rivendell, was overheard saying that intervening in post-Sauron Mordor would be a “Quagmire” that should be avoided. While foreign states continue to wring their hands, conditions within Mordor seem to be building toward a spectacular finale. As it stands, Sauron remains in power, but it appears his One Ring may not be enough to rule them all.

Protests in Mordor Intensify As Sauron Clings to Power

INSIDE Israel and Palestine Come To Agreement Netanyahu and Abbas combined in condemnation of Justin BieberWORLD, Page 13 Friends Bicker Over Whether Coke Is Better Than Pepsi Discover that nobody actually caresCONSUMER AFFAIRS, Page 17 “Poker Machine Legislation Will Send Australia Back To The Dark Ages” Defamer interviews poker machine manufacturerNATIONAL AFFAIRS, Page 4

UTSdefamer

Plans for Public Urinals ‘Leak’ EXCLUSIVE: Kieran Boyd Defecation Affairs Editor and Closet Pigeon Fancier

mid-way through a 3-hour lecture with a bursting bladder, you’re in all sorts of trouble. Now, with a toilet The recent success of outdoor only steps away, we’re sure students will be suitably urinal stations around Kings relieved.” Cross has splashed into the The plans aren’t without classrooms, theatres and exam critics, namely, the entire centres of UTS, with plans female population of UTS, to integrate the convenient who would be incapable of open-air toilets into the City using the stations without Campus Master Plan in the some fairly athletic positions coming months. Sydney City Council trialled and certain awkwardness. Calmozer responded: the pissoirs over the last few, “Women generally have a appropriately wet weekends, greater number of tasks to to prevent drunken revellers perform in the bathroom, from polluting inner-city which would be unsuitable for streets during the wee hours a public environment. For us of the morning. men, it’s easier: it’s just a quick However, the pissoirs will ‘zip, grip, drip and flip’ trip.” serve a different purpose at “Besides, I read somewhere the university, says Acting their periods attract Director of the UTS Program bears. Bears can smell the Management Office, Ty menstruation. It’s best to keep Calmozer. “The new, super-convenient those sorts of things behind private, odour-proof doors.” stations will be located for With 20 units already improved efficiency in lengthy ordered, the temporary urinals lectures and particularly have become a “number one” stressful tutorials.” “Sitting in Guthrie Theatre, priority for the university’s development. middle of the front row and

Defamer wishes to thank Anna Watanabe, Kieran Boyd and Mike Bebernes for their desire to write about nothing in particular. Do you have a mind for satire, or a subject that you think needs to be taken on? Shoot your articles or fantastically defamatory ideas to submissions@utsvertigo.com

UTS Vice-Chancellors In Profile: If Defamer received a dollar every time it made reference to The University of Technology’s second, and, arguably, most revolutionary vice-chancellor, it would have one dollar. Sir Meowington Catface III held a brief but controversial Vice-Chancellorship at UTS following the death of his predecessor and owner, Roland Katz, who bequeathed the position to the cat in his will. The move was initially seen as a poor one, but it was the early 90’s and UTS was trying to win the award for “Most Ridiculous and Radical Break from Tertiary Education Traditions”. Needless to say, universities were becoming fairly complacent amongst superfluous over-funding from the then Labor Government. Catface began his academic career with Bachelor of Arts from the University of Sydney, majoring in History and Philosophy. Like most arts graduates this got him nowhere- so he pursued his lifelong dream of becoming a scientist. A Masters in Technology and Innovation from UTS saw the invention of the muchlauded HoverCat and the potentially life-threatening CatForcefield. Sir Meowington’s Vice Chancellorship was christened with a notice placed in the university newsletter: “I iz in your office, chancelloring your university”. Poor grammar and spelling aside, Catface’s newsletter contribution was

judged to be particularly impressive, due largely to the fact that, like most cats, Sir Meowington lacked the opposable digits to write. If he were to have made any contribution to a written publication, it would have been far simpler to dictate it to a secretary and have her write it for him. While speculation remains as to whether he had a ghost writer, one thing is clear: such a secretary would have needed a fairly large salary, as cat-English interpreters were far harder to come by 20 years ago. Sir Meowington is praised revolutionizing and improving the student life at UTS. Cheezburgers, cookies and invisible sandwiches were among dietary additions to the food court, and martial art classes were introduced to the UTS gym. Security on campus also improved after the installation of various Ceiling Cats. Sir Meowington’s special interest, however, was in the arts. Following the success of “Lol, Cats teh muzikul” a co-production between the Vice-Chancellor and TRoUTS, Catface left his position at the university to take the show on tour. “Lol, Cats teh muzikul” has been the longest running show in Australian Feline Musical-Theatre History, still running late at night at Circular Quay and in the Central Pedestrian Tunnel. Catface died an elderly but wealthy feline in 1995, aged 15.

defamerCULTURE

Horoscopes

Aries: March 21-April 19 Testing times are ahead for you and that special someone. And by “testing” we mean exams. And by “special someone” we mean your French tutor. The results from your oral exam aren’t looking too good… Taurus: April 20 – May 20 Getting out and meeting new people is always a bit of a struggle; especially when under house arrest. Find new ways to socialize: chat roulette, sock puppets, your neighbour’s cat. The possibilities are endless, Taurus, just think outside your box.

Successful Gig Spells End For Indie Band Kieran Boyd Music Editor who believes Elvis, Tupac and MJ formed a Jazz Trio in New Orleans

ence attendance essential to success, the unwritten laws of indie subculture dictate that this kind of exposure contradicts counter-cultural A successful concert for local appreciation. “We won’t participate in any indie band Triangle Helfacet of mainstream culture, vetica has caused the group it’s just not the hipster way.” to split up prematurely. Surprisingly, Zane conThe Eastern suburbs threedemned those fans who piece was forced to separate attended, “because if we’re when a crowd of more than mainstream, you know what 10 people attended the launch of their vinyl EP, “Wes that makes you? A conformist. And I’ll be damned if I’m Anderson Jeans”, automatigonna be associated with you cally rendering the band’s social sheep.” hipster status void. The third member of the “The gig was going alright,” explained lead vocal- band, drummer Hugo Harper, was unavailable for comment ist Atticus Zane, “and then on the split, according to people started turning up.” Hazel. Keyboardist Violet Hazel “He hasn’t even been to added: “We were certain that a rehearsal. Ironically, of no-one would attend. We picked, like, the most random, course.” Zane has vowed to return derelict warehouse, spray to the music world even as painted Disney characters an even more underground everywhere, set up a couple and alternative musician, of bin fires for lighting, and once he completes the then locked the doors. But, remaining 5 years of his partlike, people still turned up?” time Arts degree. While most of the music industry considers audi-

Gemini: May 21- June 21 The weight of the world is sure to be on your shoulders this month, Gemini. Stop fighting it and go with the flow. Walk on your damned feet like the rest of us. Cancer: June 22 – July 22 Sometimes when you see that special someone you get a burning feeling, your eyes well up and you just can’t see straight. These are all normal effects of being maced. Take our advice, and start seeing someone else. Leo: July 23 – August 22 Luck is coming your way, Leo! It’s in the shape of a panel van and it’s coming your way at about 90 kilometers an hour. But hey, anything to get out of midsemesters, right? Virgo: August 23-September 22 Very soon the colours red and purple will be very significant to you: passion; mystery; rage; envy. All the reasons you will get into that bar fight. And that’s the reason three-quarters of your face will be this Autumn’s colour.

Libra: September 23 – October 23 For you, dear Libran, life is about balance. This month, we just ask you apply these same principles to your diet. Less double down burgers and more boiled lettuce, please. Scorpio: October 24- November 21 Ever wanted someone to be like putty in your hands? While you can’t turn them into putty, this month may present you with the opportunity to put them in a blast furnace so they stay in whatever shape you want, forever. Hypothetically…well, sort of. Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21 Tell your woman you care and buy her a block of knives – the most romantic present in the world. And if she doesn’t like them, you’ll be sure to figure that out while you search for your detached fingers behind the fridge. Capricorn: 22 December – 19 January Obesity is a problem that affects our world’s cats and dogs too. Be extra careful during upcoming wet weather. Do yourself a favour and take out car insurance. Aquarius: January 20 – February 21 Love is in the air, this month. Unfortunately, having been a chain smoker since the age of 12, you find yourself hooked up to your oxygen tank more and more these days. Love doesn’t come in pressurized gas cylinders. Pisces: February 22 – March 23 Don’t let the world pass you by. Be brave and grab life by the balls. Not too hard, though: that destroys the prospects of further life.

S H O W C A S E

NICOLA PARISE PHOTOGRAPHS: LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN

ITCHY FEET

Curls of dust smoke around my feet; Dancing ancient rhythms.

Anticipation grips my muscles – tense: past, present, future. Toes curl, hiding their eyes in the sand beneath.

Confusion spores: through my mind to my heart. The Unknown: (n.) deep, hollow, wide; What to expect? To pre-empt: mere attempt.

Inhale. Life’s smoky fragrance bites my nose. Swimming. Just keep swimming.

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ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

MORNING COFFEE

Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. Wchurhwwurrrrrrrrrrrrr. Tinker, tinker, blink, bleep, bing. Hello Hubub dubba dub dub. Vraummmm, rattle, brrrr. Have here or take away? Boom da boom chicka ticka dee da. Pit pat, trip tat, click. Tack-a-ttack-a-ttack-a-ttack. Mmmmmmm. Ahhhhhhh.

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S H O W C A S E

Drape Exibition Poster, watercolour, 2011

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

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CHRISTINE

PAN

A QUICK EXPRESSIVE STYLE

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......................................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................................... A fashion student studying a Bachelor of Design in Fashion Design with a Bachelor of Arts in International Studies UTS (France), 21 year-old Christine Pan creates portraits and sketches with an array of different mediums and styles. She completed a UTS subject Advanced Fashion and Textile Techniques led by Eric Hagen which taught her to be free, abstract and to also look to line quality and use of colour. Conjuring an eclectic mix of realistic drawings, bold fashion illustrations and freehand sketches, the illustrator is influenced by her illustrator idols Cecilia Carlstedt, Stina Persson, and David Downton. The illustrator retains a quick expressive style and enjoys working in felt tip pen most, followed by gouache and progresso on cartridge paper. She aims to move into fashion buying, architecture, freelance illustration or graphic design in the near future. Check out her portfolio at http://www.theloop.com.au/ christinepan or Email: christine.pan01@gmail.com

Colour man, watercolour 2011

Red Dress, watercolour 2011

Bicycle, graphite, 2011

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Pippacut, graphite, 2011

Vertigo talks to Lewis McKirdy, the guy who landed the best job in Sydney. . . just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ask him how he did it. Or, for that matter, how anything works or what he thinks about anything (except Xbox).

LEWIS

McKIRDY Vertigo: Thousands of uni kids would KILL for your job at Triple J. How did you start working there? Lewis: Well after I finished school I had no idea what I wanted to do, so I did a diploma of media and communications at TAFE. And after I finished that I still had no idea what I wanted to do, so I volunteered at FBi Radio sorting mail and answering phones and then from that I got a show…. And then a better show. Through that I met the guys from Pedestrian.tv and started covering gigs and festivals for them. After a few years of doing that I applied for a job at Triple J. You recently got a promotion from weekends to midday. Why did they choose you? Um, I’m still not really sure how the selection process works, I never went for a job interview for it when Vijay [Khurana] was leaving. He’s moving to Cambodia to teach people how to make radio because he’s a beautiful man. What’s the best band you’ve interviewed? When I was at FBi I got to interview Metric and that was really great because I had a turbo-crush on Emily Hayne so I was pretty stoked about that. She’s super duper hot and I called her out on wearing sunglasses in the studio and she called me out on not wearing shoes… because I don’t really like wearing shoes that often. People have accused you of being unprofessional in your approach to presenting because it sounds like you’re just talking. Do you think this is true? Well, yeah, nothing is scripted and the point of my show isn’t to perform. I was hired because I’m me, so the more me I am, the better off I am. Would you do something like that – perform? Um, I don’t know. I don’t know anything, I don’t even know how I got here. I don’t make those decisions, I let other people make them for me. You don some pretty cool oversized glasses and mini shorts. Do you think you’re a hipster? Well I love hipsters because it’s a paradox, because being a hipster means you stand for nothing, but in standing for nothing you join legions of other hipsters so there you have a combined cause of nothing… which is pretty cool. I suppose I fit the bill because I don’t really care about much.

How are the people you work with at Triple J? Everyone I work with is really cool. I was a bit hesitant about entering this kind of industry because of the things you hear and see and how people are exposed in the media. I then realised they want to be like that, in that Sydney Confidential kind of bullshit. No one at work is at all remotely in that scene. What do you do in your spare time? I pretty much just sit around playing Xbox. A lot of COD…I’ve got a KDR [Kill Death Ratio] of 1.28. I play with absolute freaks who have a KDR of 2.0 and it’s an honour to be in their shadow. But you know what? I think COD is dying. There are other games and people have done the 15 levels of prestige so there’s nowhere to go. I’m on prestige 4, which is about 5 days game-playing online. Triple J now has a blog. How do you get inspiration for your blog? The breakfast guys have people coming in and out every day so they have stuff to write about, but because my show is purely music-based I don’t really have any content in the show I can then put into blog form. So, yeah, I take things from my life and blog about them, which is good, because I don’t know if people get a good insight into my personality from my show because I get really short mic breaks. You have what I like to call “Lewisisms” like “What’s good”. Have you always used them or are they in there to shake up the show? Yeah, I don’t like to sound too much like everyone else and I don’t go out of my way to say peculiar things but sometimes I just like to say them because it’s not like anyone’s listening. Is your job as easy as it seems? Nah, I think it seems that way because I’m only on air for three hours a day. So I think a lot of people assume I show up at 12 and leave at 3. That’s not right; I usually get there around 10… or 11 if I’m playing Xbox. And I leave around 7pm because I make appearances on other people’s shows and reply to emails and manage my blogs. Why is your name spelt Lewis not Lewy or Louis…. when it’s pronounced Loo-ey? Well, my name is Lewis Magnus McKirdy. And my actual name is pronounced Lew-iss. So I guess it’s like, if your real name is David and people call you Dave, you wouldn’t spell it David.

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

{BEWARE THE CLOSING DOORS{ A COMPANION PIECE TO VERTIGO’S ‘MIND THE GAP’

CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT BYLINE You finish the ATAR or, for you dinosaurs, the HSC in early November. Then it’s more than three months until uni commences. Is that not gap enough? And really, what better place to discover yourself than with like-minded people in the same educational system in the same city as where you completed your high school education? But enough of this tacky second person instruction. The main danger of taking a gap year is that the thought of returning to school will become repugnant. Months can slide into years of traipsing around hostels surviving on cheap shawarma and cat piss beer. But the parental fund is going to run out sometime. And when you’re stuck in the midst of the Arab Spring with no funds for a flight out of there, who’ll be laughing? We will. Travel does not pay the bills. It is not a career, or even preparation for one. In fact, a year off leaves you behind your peers. While it is probably both educational and eye-opening, trekking through Jordan’s Wadi Rum then skipping across the border to safari in South Africa is not a good resume filler. Then there is the inevitable self-indulgent character trait that always seems to return with the traveller. Self-examination. No longer does Law seem the logical option. Suddenly these erstwhile nomads are enrolling in Writing and Cultural Studies instead. It allows more freedom and is in line with their interests, they say. Whatever that means. Sadly that degree will assist in acquiring gainful employment about as much as the gap year itself. Peter Francis is studying Journalism at UTS. He is only twenty, in his final year and prepped and ready to enter the workforce. His youthful advantage is due to entering university immediately after high school. ‘I chose to do Journalism because some of my friends did it and it seemed easy. And you know, my year

had heaps of laughs at the pub… Oh and it seemed interesting I guess.’ Peter found there was more than enough culture to go around without even leaving the country. To him, as to many, the multicultural melting pot of UTS is just as invigorating as exploring the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. ‘People that go on gap years claim it’s all about culture. But how much culture do you get vomiting up last night’s cheap vodka in the USSR? There is so much more to learn at uni, so much more real culture. The first issue of Vertigo had an article about vaginal jewelling. Need I say more?’ Loyal reader, we would concur that nothing more need be said, but certain design issues stipulate otherwise. Many of Paul Farrell’s friends took a gap year. Needless to say they are not as tight as they once were. ‘They went to Sudan or Sumatra or some shit to do aid work in an orphanage. I mean… what wankers.’ ‘Then there are all those gap year kids in class, constantly sticking up their hand to go on and on about their opinion and what they learnt in Czechoslovakia. Such nerds. And they’re always dispensing advice like some prophet. Pretty much always the same advice: ‘take a gap year, travel’. They think one thing will work for every person. I hate being told what to do by people… or student magazines. I don’t even want to talk to them. In fact, I haven’t really talked to anyone at uni. My high school friends just seem so much cooler. Gap year kids are probably the main reason I dropped out actually. That and all the Fs.’ It seems pretty clear from these two examples, despite ‘studies’ and ‘statistics’ claiming otherwise, that the gap year is a short cut to failure. But this is where it gets interesting.

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FOOD

‘FOOD ON A FIVER’

words: Gemma Kaczerepa

Down to your last bottom dollar? Or five? Instead of buying 40 packets of stale Mi Goreng, take the more gastronomically creative (and appealing) option and whip up something inspired. Here’s Vertigo’s guide to feeding yourself on a fiver*.

Tomato and Cannellini Bean Soup

Serves 2 1 TBSP olive oil 2 large cloves garlic, peeled and chopped 1/2 medium brown onion, peeled and chopped 1 400g tin crushed tomatoes

400g tin cannellini beans, drained & rinsed 2 tsp mixed dried herbs 3/4 cup water salt and pepper grated Parmesan, to serve (optional)

1. In a medium saucepan, heat the olive oil. 2. When hot, add the garlic and onion. Fry for five minutes, until fragrant. 3. Add the tomatoes, beans, herbs and water and stir to combine. 4. Simmer for ten minutes and season to taste. 5. Serve with grated Parmesan and fresh bread.

Corn Cakes

Serves 2 1 400g tin of corn kernels, drained 1 potato, grated 1 egg, beaten

1/2 cup plain flour salt and pepper TBSP olive oil, for frying

1. Mix together the corn, potato and egg until the mixture comes together. 2. Stir in the flour until you have a pancake batter consistency. The quantity of flour used is just a rough guide – keep adding flour until you get it right. 3. Season with salt and pepper. 4. Heat the oil in a large frying pan until hot. 5. Shape the mixture into tablespoon-sized balls and place in the frying pan, about 5 cm apart. 6. Squash the cakes down until flat and fry on each side for a few minutes, until golden brown. 7. Remove from the frying pan and drain on paper towels. 8. Serve with green salad or wilted greens.

Vegemite Spaghetti (recipe courtesy of Nigella Lawson) Serves 4 375g dried spaghetti 50g unsalted butter

1 teaspoon Vegemite freshly grated Parmesan cheese to serve

1. Cook the spaghetti in a large pot of salted boiling water according to packet instructions. 2. When the pasta is almost cooked, melt the butter in a small saucepan and add the Vegemite and 1 tablespoon of the pasta water, mixing thoroughly to dissolve. 3. Reserve ½ a cup of pasta water; then drain the paster and pour the Vegemite mixture over the drained spaghetti, adding a little reserved pasta water to help it combine, if required. 3. Serve with plenty of grated Parmesan cheese.

Guacamole

Serves 2-3 2 large ripe avocados 1 TBSP whole-egg mayonnaise or sour cream

1 tsp dried chilli flakes 1 TBSP lemon juice salt and pepper

1. Scoop out the flesh of the avocados and place in a large bowl. 2. Add the mayonnaise, chilli and lemon juice and mash to combine. 3. Season well with salt and pepper. 4. Serve with bread, crackers or corn chips.

*Much like a certain celebrity chef, when I say less than a certain dollar amount I’m assuming most of the ingredients are already in your cupboard.

words: carla Efstratiou

FASHION

We looked at some of UTS’s own clothing merchandise in Issue 2, and let’s be frank: it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. So you’re going to have to get a bit more creative to look fashionable around campus this winter. Vertigo shows you how.

CLOTHING SOURCE: Concourse Café, level 3 of the Tower Wrap yourself in some foil from the Concourse Café to create a spiffy aluminum foil mini. You’ll shine (literally) in the middle of the dance floor at start of semester parties and cement your standing as the university slut. Wearing this, you might actually develop a tan this winter sun-baking on the Alumni Green. For those who don’t mind attracting the odd whistle down the street, this couture outfit is, to quote McDonalds, just a little bit fancy.

SOURCE: Journalism Workroom, level 5, Bon Marche building Look sexy AND informed by turning one of those broadsheet newspapers into a simple black and white body con dress. You’re going to want to be comfortable if you’ve come into uni for a generic day of lectures and tutorials, and this dress’s big shoulder feature will keep you well insulated on those chilly winter days – as well as up to date on the latest news.

ACCESSORIES SOURCE: Benches outside the Tower near the Alumni Green Ever wondered where the excess feathers of those repugnant flying pigeons and crows outside the tower end up? Atop the head of a freak like me. But really, pretty isn’t it? I could even go to the races with this all-natural fascinator. And the best part- the hipster vegans scattered all over campus won’t whine because no birds are slaughtered in the making of these impressive head adornments.

SOURCE: Most powerpoints at UTS Despite the lack of working computers at UTS (yes, the University of NO Technology joke has been made a million times, get over it) there are many cords. Many, many cords. And they’re mostly white because Steve Jobs and his team of marketing bitches have us eating out of their filthy rich palms. So when your MacBook is all charged up and there’s no more room in your satchel for the cord, lasso it around your neck to amplify your outfit. It’s sure to create a buzz.

SUBMIT TO VERTIGO SUBMISSIONS@UTSVERTIGO.COM

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

FEATURED REVIEW

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DOGGUMENTARY SNOOP DOGG .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Words: Ava Nirui and Alexander Craig

Shit son, Snoop D-O-Double-G is back with another ghettofied, whack, dope-ass album filled with his trademark vulgar, misogynistic 90’s inspired hip-hop flava. Doggumentary is the 11th studio album from this pillar of the rap genre, featuring an all-star cast of rappers from today’s popular music scene. Snoop, unlike many of his compatriots from his era of rap, has decided to continue making music and not retire or move onto other pastures (I’m looking at you, Ice Cube). The album is a bizarre combination of re-imagined, glossy, soulful, funk-inspired 80’s and 90’s hip-hop and kitschy auto-tuned pop-house which has infiltrated the present day commercial music scene; leaving the listener perplexed and uneasy. Regardless of this genre divergence, the essence of definitive 90’s hip-hop is still present with effervescent tracks such a ‘We Rest in Cali’ and ‘Eyez Closed’ featuring Kanye West and highly regarded neo-soul artist John Legend. That’s not to say this album isn’t without its shortcomings. In 2008 Snoop released a track called “My Medicine” with country music legend Willie Nelson. Obviously their friendship is still strong, and Doggumentary’s “Superman” also features the country-folk stylings of Mr. Nelson. Although somewhat innovative, there is an obvious imbalance between Nelson’s acoustic country harmony and Snoop’s intertwining rap verses, as it ultimately sounds like an amateur folk demo. The track has unusual placement and essentially does not compliment the theme of the album. The same can be said for the track “Sumthing Like Last Night”, featuring animated hip-rock fusion collective The Gorillaz. The song features a combination of an edgy and eccentric reggae instrumental and harsh, punctuated rapping, which

does not identify with Snoop’s audial aesthetic. The pinnacle of repugnancy however comes with electronic slow-jam ‘Wet’, which violently triggered my gag reflexes, making me want to tear my hair out in a fit of impenetrable rage. Sounding heavily influenced by other new-age electro-hip hop duds such as T-Pain, the vocals are unrecognizable with the amount of electronic modification they have gone under. The lyrics feature the inquisitive 40 year old rap-pioneer asking if I am in fact ‘wet’ and proceeding to inform me that he would like to ‘get me wet’. After listening to this track, the only thing Snoop has made ‘wet’ are my shoes. They are saturated in bile. Regardless of this heinous episode, nostalgia for the 1990’s is stimulated by illustrious funk track ‘The Weed Iz Mine’ featuring hip-hop newcomer Wiz Khalifa. The tight rap-verses combined with the slick percussion, makes this track the perfect sound-scape to smoke a fat-joint to. Only trickin’! As whole, the album is mediocre at best. Although there are several enjoyable tracks on a mainstream level, the typical commercial tastelessness destroys any hint of originality on the release. Tracks such as ‘My Fuckin’ House’ and predator anthem ‘Platinum’ featuring R.Kelly which discuss the logistics of material objects, are predictable, exhausting and lack originality. I can’t say this album holds as high acclaim as albums like Doggystyle (Snoop Dogg), Enter The 36 Chambers (The Wu-Tang Clan) or The Chronic (Dr. Dre), but big props to Grandpa Snoop for trying, even if it is painstakingly bad. Listen up guyz and hustlas, keep on smoking weed everyday and sipping on gin & juice because this release is most certainly not a G-thang.

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REVIEWS COOKING

ARCHITECTURE

Anna Watanabe

Daniel Piotrowski

Artisan Baking Class Brasserie Bread // 1737 Botany Road, Banksmeadow

New Student Space(ship) Building 5, Block A

“What separates a baker from an ‘artisan’ baker?” says Matt, my Yoda for the evening at Brasserie Bread’s Artisan Baking class. “A baker uses their head and their hands. But an artisan baker uses their head, their hands and their heart!” If you fancy yourself a bit of a foodie, learning how to make bread is an essential skill to have and Brasserie Bread’s bread making classes are a brilliant first-step into the world of baking. Beginning in the evenings and going for three hours, the Artisan Baking class teaches participants how to make a basic white bread dough, proper kneading, shaping and baking techniques, as well as giving everyone a tour of the bakery and a tasting session of their extensive product range -- complete with wine and cheese. The structure of the class is very well planned. It begins with making dough from scratch which satiates everyone’s hungry expectations for some “hands on” baking. The bakers then slow everything down, explaining why each step is done. Slowing down the baking process and understanding your food is at the core of the Brasserie Bread’s baking philosophy. Slowing down the resting and proofing (letting the dough rise) processes allows the yeast to break down the sugars, giving the bread a fuller flavour. It also makes the bread easier to digest, so it’s better for you - almost justifying that extra slice of yummy sour dough you brought home. Things become more interesting again when the bakers guide you through shaping breads from the humble baguettes to impressive, though ridiculously easy to make, epis. Finally, the tour of the bakery and bread-ucation taste testing sessions are a clever marketing tactic (that, as you can probably tell, I was totally sucked in to). Having made bread in class on a minute scale, in comparison, the tour of the bakery gives participants a deeper understanding of how much effort goes into quality bread. Going ‘behind the scenes’ also creates a feeling of exclusivity. The participants in my class seemed to develop a sense of loyalty to Brasserie Bread after going through the bakery. Making the bread and seeing the bread made professionally definitely engenders trust in the product. So naturally, when it comes to recommending bread, bakeries and gift ideas, Brasserie Bread comes straight to mind. The classes are great for beginners and experienced bakers alike. Bread-making is a very personal experience; climate, ingredients and - as wanky as it sounds - your mood will have an impact on your product, so it’s never too late to get some extra advise (and free bread) from the team at Brasserie Bread.

The new student space is a bit like a new car. Okay, I’m only saying that because it reeks of new car smell. As a matter of fact, it’s so futuristic-looking it’s more like a new spaceship. A new spaceship... with grass? The question on everyone’s mind is: what’s with the new student space’s moss-green décor? I’m not really sure what UTS’s interior design brains trust were thinking when they chose to cover the whole area with green carpet. I mean, I get the whole ‘looking like a spaceship’ thing. It’s not unusual for UTS architecture to be centered around technology (and this new space has it in spades: giant Windows terminals dotted around the space, a wall of LCD screens…). But the green? Look, UTS, just because you’ve stapled green carpet on the walls and painted blue sky and clouds on one of the ceilings, it still doesn’t compensate for our uni’s critical lack of green spaces. On the upside, it’s one damn comfortable place to study in. I’m not sure where UTS bought the green beanbagesque swivel chairs from, but they meet the right balance between being comfortable and not being so comfortable you can’t concentrate. But before you start thinking of wheeling one out of the student space and loading it into the boot of your car, sadly UTS has posted a security guard in the area so you’re not going to be able to take one home with you. However, if you just want to sit down in the space and all the swivel chairs are taken (chances are: they will be), you can still get cosy with your MacBook and Real Property notes in one of the quadrilateral perches carved into the walls. In the end, UTS needs to learn that comfort is one thing but style is another. The student space tries to be like a comfy sports car – flashy and “cutting edge” but with plush leather seats. But in the end, it seems like UTS has tried so hard it’s ended up more like a Snuggie: it encapsulates you in warmth and comfort, but in trying to be “cutting edge” stylistically, it just weirds people out.

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ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

FILM

THEATRE

Ethan Tuxford

Lucien Alperstein Justin Wolfers

Incendies Hopscotch Films // In cinemas now

Jack Charles v The Crown Belvoir St Theatre Upstairs // 30 March – April 17.

In our day to day lives we make a number of preconceptions about the people around us. We think we know everything about who a person is and why they are that way. But can we ever truly understand another person until we see what they see, until we feel exactly how they feel? That is the powerful question posed by acclaimed Canadian-French director and screenwriter Denis Villeneuve, in his politically and emotionally charged film Incendies. Beginning in Quebec, French-speaking Canada, the film follows twins Jeanne and Simon Marwan (Mélissa Désormeaux-Poulin and Maxim Gaudette) who, following the death of their mother Nawal (Lubna Azabal), receive two letters addressed to their assumed dead father and unknown brother. Under their mother’s will, no proper burial can take place until both letters are delivered and her final wish is completed. To honour her, the twins must venture into the heart of their mother’s mysterious past in the religiously torn Middle East of the 1970s, learning that sometimes what we think we know is never completely right. Adapted from Wajdi Mouawad’s play of the same name, this is not a film for the easily squeamish as the major themes are occasionally violent and disturbing. But Villeneuve’s film is utterly compelling, keeping the mystery alive and beating up until the very last scene. His use of the mother’s story, running parallel to the twins search for answers, provides some of most intriguing scenes, exploring the historical brutality that shaped the Christian-Islamic conflict of 1970s and tore the Middle Eastern community apart. With difficult material to cover the cast are brilliant, bringing their own unique talents to an array of multilayered characters. Azabal is flawless in her performance as she successfully balances Nawal’s inner struggles with her stoic facade, shaped through years of religious violence and hatred. While feeling at times a little slow and confusing, especially in relation to the films locations, the deeper meaning at the heart of this film is never lost. Incendies captures the true social impact of religious conflicts and their continual affect on the lives and identities of those who were touched by them. By reversing the audience’s preconceived ideas about the Middle East and its history, Incendies illustrates how little we really know about the world and the people who surround us.

Jack Charles v The Crown is a one-man performance starring Aboriginal elder, activist, actor and, until recently, heroin addict and cat burglar Jack Charles. Charles’ unshakeable optimism drives his at-times-harrowing, at-times-hilarious story and rather than fishing for sympathy he simply tells his story as it is without walking you down any moral paths. At times it’s cringeworthy, as you’re not sure whether to laugh along with Charles as he jokes about the White Australia indoctrination he was subject to as a child, or his fulfillment of the Australian stereotype of the dysfunctional Aboriginal. Directed by Rebecca Maza Long, Jack Charles and John Romeril have written a tale of personal conquest through a checkered life that arrives at the wisdom and calm of old age. Even as an elderly man, Charles has no trouble throwing his white-haired self across the stage with the exuberance of someone who has just come into his prime.

Cut Belvoir St Theatre Downstairs // 7 April – 1 May. This is the third play I’ve seen Anita Heigh cast in so I feel justified in using the term tour-de-force to describe this performance. If that is too general, I could say: versatile, commanding, superb. On the surface Cut is the monologue of a flight attendant; but the character is tormented by a strange man with “eyyyes of ashhh”, and her inner voices range from eerily sterile to completely psychotic. The lighting is critical, and ranges from deathly black; to surreal half-lighting that frames Heigh like an apparition; to a strobe that by contrast is utterly blinding. It’s a consuming 50 minute show that races by at what feels like double that pace. Duncan Graham’s dialogue is poetic and cyclical, and the movement too, with Sarah John directing the piece in inch-perfect steps that keep you searching through the dark for Heigh’s tormenter. Cut is far less jovial than Jack Charles but it is a feat in suspense, tension, and Anita Heigh.

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PLACES TO GO... If You’re Feeling Angry

‘Fuck anger management. Years of intensive therapy did absolutely nothing for my uncontainable rage towards this sick, perverted, materialistic, piece of shit society. Instead I had to learn to channel my rage through alternative routes. Thanks to the methods below, I am drug- free and my family no longer has a restraining order against me.’ – Ava Nirui. Here is Vertigo’s guide to the top four places to go if you are a sadistic, merciless, livid individual like Ava.

Eat // Hana Japanese Teppanyaki Resturant, 18A Falcon St, Crows Nest Teppanyaki is one of the few places where ‘playing with your food’ is not only socially accepted, but also wildly encouraged. There’s really no better rage release than throwing an egg at some dickhead’s face and getting applause for it. On top of that, ‘accidentally’ breaking a few ceramic bowls is totally acceptable, but try not to yell ‘fuck the world!’ at the same time or you will be promptly escorted out of the restaurant. DRINK // Rambutan Bar, 96 Oxford Street, Darlinghurst Doing shots at a vacation-style cocktail bar is the best way to cleanse you of your deep-seated emotional issues. Tribal-inspired Darlinghurst bar, Rambutan, is famous for serving flaming cocktails which have the capability to satisfy the fetish of any furyfilled pyromaniac. LISTEN // Odd Future @ Vivid Festival, 31st May- 2nd June, Sydney Opera House There’s no better way to detox the mind and body than by violently windmilling through a mosh pit of faux-gangsters at a neo-satanic hip-hop concert. Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All are an 11-piece rap collective from California whose lyrics predominantly consist of a combination of rants on ‘killing bitches’ and explicit satanic worship. Before each show, front man Tyler the Creator tweets about how he wants to ‘see fights break out’, so you can beat as many people as you like and get away with it! WATCH // Groundhog Day Just kidding! Watching Groundhog Day will not let you release anger, but rather it will fill you with a certain impenetrable burning rage until you can no longer function. If I hear that alarm which blasts the words ‘GROUNDHOG DAY’ go off one more time, I will curb stomp a small and innocent child.

wUTS HAPPENING Kuring-gai End of Semester Toga Party Look, wUTS happening isn’t quite sure where Kuring-gai actually is, but we do know you really haven’t experienced life at UTS until you’ve robed up for a Kuring-gai toga party. Mark June 2 down in your diary. Tix $15, or $10 if you’re an AP member. Thursdays at the Loft Forget your impending end-of-semester assessment/exam

doom with sweet drink specials at the Loft on the last Thursday of every month. $3 schooners, $4 spirits, $5 vodka Red Bulls and some special entertainment guaranteed.

A Secret Film Club UTS’s theatre-soc, Backstage, has pulled the curtain on its Secret

Film Club. The club will be showing an undisclosed film every fortnight. Obviously wUTS happening can’t tell you anymore than that since it’s supposed to be secret, but add Backstage UTS on Facebook to find out more.

Don’t forget . . . The LSS’s ‘Friday the 13th’ Law Cruise is getting frighteningly

close (May 13).

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

SP RT

GETTING THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE

Our sportspeople are lauded for their prowess in their chosen fields- and rightly so. But for everything our idols manage to achieve on the sporting field, there’s a mundane task or event that outstrips them. Vertigo Sport has compiled a definitive list of such things- so that next time you’re watching you favourite icon, you can ruin their feats by thinking about them competing with any of the following. Faster than Usain Bolt over 100 metres: a fat man riding a bike down a hill.

Faster than Ian Thorpe through the water: a sinking pebble.

Greater shooting accuracy than LeBron James: An average Call Of Duty player.

Greater serving accuracy than Roger Federer: The waitress at the local Chinese restaurant.

Part Two of Vertigo’s SemiFactual History of Football

Greater driving distance than Tiger Woods: driving your car down to the shops.

More technical precision than a Sachin Tendulkar Cover-Drive: an ipod (debatable).

VERTIGO FACTBOX SPORT AND THE LAW: DEAD MONARCHS AND FOOTBALL GROUNDS

1212- THE DEATH OF RUSSELL OF BIRMINGHAM

In what must be the most absurd sub-clause in lastwill-and-testament football ground leasing history, the death of King Olaf the Fifth of Norway is set to inconvenience a minor non-league English football team as well. Fifth-tier football side Cromer Town could be turfed out of their stadium next year because of the ex-Scandinavian Monarch’s rather selfish decision to pack it in and die in 1991. It turns out that the team’s home ground, Cabbell Park, was donated to the town of Cromer in the will of Evelyn Bond-Cabbell -when she herself pushed daisies in 1922- as a big thank you to the townspeople for dying so willingly in World War One. But there was a catch- it wasn’t a gift, it was a lease. The strange sub-clause: the lease only extended until 21 years after the death of Queen Victoria’s last surviving grandchild- Olaf the Fifth. Bond-Cabbell essentially set up a prank that wouldn’t reach its punchline for 90 years, and would leave a team nobody cares about without a patch of land to play football on.

The world’s first known football commentator, Russell of Birmingham, tragically predated organised football by almost 700 years. Russell spent his mostly unfulfilled life wandering from town to town in search of people kicking around anything that looked like a ball- usually children idly booting a dead cat around while they waited for their parents to die of plague. Russell even tagged along with Richard the Lionheart on a couple of Crusades to the Middle East hoping to commentate on some big overseas games, but there proved to be not a lot of football and, instead, rather a lot of religious fighting. He thus remained a rather useless member of the Crusade despites his thorough research on the footballing statistics of Richard’s courtiers. Little of Russell’s work exists to this day outside of some remnants of manuscript hastily scribbled by monks following his desperate efforts to commentate on a sport that didn’t yet exist. Russell died near the end of his natural lifespan, aged 14.

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SA REPORTS Neha Madhok Student Association President Most of us have, at some point, wondered what all of those emails are about. You know the ones I mean, where a mysterious man named ‘John Hartigan’ who is the ‘Registrar’ (whatever that is) sends out an email informing you of student elections. The elections are for obscure-sounding boards and committees that you probably didn’t even know existed - much less know what they actually do. So chances are, you scan over the email, decide it’s irrelevant to you and you delete it. Later on, you see the emails hit your inbox and you just delete them straight away. Whoever or whatever ‘Academic Board’ is, it’s unlikely they’d want anything to do with you. This is, of course, the point where I jump in and tell you that you’re wrong. Surprise! Most of the university’s boards have a spot for a student so that there can be a broad representation of views and ideas. Even better, the university wants to hear from students; they want to know what we think and if we’re concerned that their decisions are not within students’ best interests. Over the years the UTS Students’ Association (UTSSA) has worked hard to ensure that there are multiple student voices on multiple decision-making bodies and now we’re moving on to the next step of ensuring that these students feel confident enough to speak up during these board meetings. Meetings with people in suits can be intimidating, and when they use lots of jargon, acronyms and refer to reviews and studies you’ve never heard of, it can be difficult to speak up - let alone feel like you have any relevance. This is why the UTSSA, the Student Services Unit and UTS joined forces last year to put together a Student Representatives’ Training Program, and a few weeks ago, we had our first training session. The training sessions cover standard things: how to read an agenda, how to put in a submission, ethics, what the governance structures are, how to access them and how to create change. We also go

through mock scenarios and work in small groups to create strategies for change. The training is also a great chance for student reps to meet one another and make links across faculties, within faculties and across different boards. This way, changes introduced in one area can be accessed and pushed through multiple avenues so that the students can create the education and university that we believe we deserve. If you’re a student representative and want to get involved, contact me or Student Services to find out about our next training session, which will be held on the evening of May 4. Even if you’re not an elected representative, you can still have your voice heard. Throughout the year, UTS, in conjunction with the Students’ Association, will be holding a series of forums on issues that are affecting us. These issues are selected based on results of the Student Feedback Survey and are a way for the university to find out more about problem areas that the majority of students have identified through the survey. In April, we held a forum on Access to Computers to find out ways that the university can increase the convenience of computers. Some ideas included increased sign posting and communication of the fact that there are multiple computer labs located around UTS. Another idea was for the development of a mobile app that allows you to see which UTS computers are currently in use, amongst other things. I’ll be working with the university to ensure that students’ ideas are taken into account and that changes are made. If you’d like to find out how it’s going, feel free to get in touch. Contact: Email: sapresident2011@uts.edu.au Phone: 9514 1155 Twitter: UTS_SAPresident

Timothy Roylett Education Vice President

We’re past that middle part of the semester again, that lull, that false sense of security before the “big push” begins. No doubt, since the start of the year, you’ve noticed some of the issues flying around out there concerning your education. You’ve seen our barbeque protesting against a rise in university fees, you’ve seen why students’ money should go to students and you’ve experienced the many trials and tribulations of university life at UTS. This month, I’m going to look at a few of the issues your Students’ Association is working on over this half of the semester. Members of the ACT’s Legislative Assembly have recently made a push for student concessions on public transport to be recognised nationally. The supporters of the plan aim to encourage students to use public transport interstate by making it much more affordable. The advantages of such a scheme are far reaching, particularly to those who are from interstate, have family interstate, or travel interstate for study. As students, we understand the financial strain that many of us are under. If you would like to see a national concession card scheme, we encourage you to fill out this petition: http://www.gopetition.com/petition/44467.html. We are also looking into the support of foreign language input on UTS’s computers. A number of students have commented on the lack of support for languages, which form either part of UTS’s language teaching areas or those from language backgrounds other than English. With many students studying languages other than English as part of their degrees (over 1200 at last count) and over 5000 international students at UTS, we would like to see computers cater for their needs. Keep an eye out on campus and on our website http://sa.uts.edu.au/ to find out the latest on this campaign. Finally, we are working with your student representatives on faculty boards on a number of issues you’ve raised. Oversized classes, lack of clarity regarding assessments, absence of tutor consultation hours and bringing back STUVAC (study vacation) are some of the many things we’re working on this semester. If you have any issues with your course or subjects that you would like to raise, we’d love to hear from you. You can email us at students. association@uts.edu.au or come into reception on level 3 of the Tower building and tell us about your issues.

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QUEER COLLECTIVE I must say, it’s been pretty darn exciting to see the Queer Collective grow so large and have as many excellent members as we do this year – and it’s easy to see why. Not only do we have an awesome Queer Space, which y’all can use at any time, but we’ve also been having some pretty special events over the last two months. In April we had our very first Games and Movie Day where we spent the entire day playing video games, board games, watching movies and having a great time. There’s been a picnic, regular social gatherings and many laughs and bonding sessions along the way. May is looking even better, with yet another dinner event as well as a grand tribute to the greatest event of the year, Eurovision. Our website www.queeratuts.com is up and running and is growing all the time with more information and excitement than you could poke a metaphorical stick at. On the site we have a forum which you can join and queer up with all your boy and girl crushes, a gallery and a mailing list so you can stay in touch with goings-on in the Collective. Have you come to a meeting? Do you want to talk to the Queer Officer and find out more about what we do? Are you just not sure where to start with queer life at uni and want to meet other queer students? Then come along to our weekly social gatherings on Tuesdays at 11am, or our official meeting at midday on Thursdays (both in Queer Space) and introduce yourself! We usually have some fun activities to do at these times, as well as yummy goodness to snack on while you relax and read the latest LOTL or DNA. Hope to see you in Queer Space soon! Kristina Zrim Queer Officer 2011 UTS Students’ Association

ENVIRO COLLECTIVE NEWS

Many people ask me what a collective is when they first hear about the UTS Environment Collective, so I thought I would demystify the term for people. A collective is a group similar to a club, in that it is a gathering of people who are interested in a certain issue - however it can be described as a ‘nonhierarchical’ group. Instead of making decisions through voting or delegating decision-making to a president, the entire group uses consensus when deciding on activities the group will undertake. Consensus works by making sure that consent for a decision to be passed is given by all members of the group, and in cases where it is not, further discussion of the topic continues until all are in agreement. This helps to create an atmosphere that is non-judgmental, empowering, flexible and equal, hopefully eliminating power struggles and domination that could occur in other group structures. So now that you know how a collective works, you may be asking what is it we actually do. Collectives aid in allowing students to be involved in three main activities. The first is a sharing of skills either by the members themselves or outside parties. This happens through the workshops we run each week on issues ranging from overfishing to anti-nuclear issues.

The second function of a collective is for campaigning on a particular issue. At UTS, our collective is doing this through our ‘Flick My Switch Campaign’, a campaign that involves negotiating with the university to adopt 100% renewable energy. We’re going about this by running events such as clothes swaps, film screenings and social nights, helping to provoke discussion about environmental issues and get people thinking about the role they can play in solving them. A collective also allows students to engage in the wider arena of environmental activism in our state and country by getting involved in activities outside our own campus. One such event we participated in was the climate solution rally held at Belmore Park in support of the proposed carbon tax. It was an inspiring and hopeful day, as thousands turned up in support of the plan to tax the biggest polluters and see Australia have a clean, renewable energy future as soon as possible. By becoming involved in Enviro Collective, you’ll have the opportunity to learn more about these huge issues and participate in the growing youth culture that wants to have a say in the world that we will inherit. The UTS Enviro Collective meets every Monday at 5pm and Thursdays at 12pm. Contact Veronica or Jason at utsenviro@lists.riseup.net for more information.

ISSUE FOUR VERTIGO

DISASTERS OR A RESTORATION OF THE ECO-BALANCE? THE WORLD HAS BEEN SHOCKED BY SO MANY NATURAL DISASTERS IN THE PAST YEAR. BUT HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED LOOKING AT THE PROBLEM FROM A POLITICAL-ECONOMY POINT OF VIEW? NUSRAT SULTANA GIVES VERTIGO AN INTRODUCTION TO MATHUS’ “THEORY OF POPULATION”. The Tohoku earthquake and tsunami in Japan, multiple earthquakes in Christchurch, floods in northern Australia, volcanoes in Iceland, a snowstorm in Washington D.C.. These should not be considered as nature’s way of playing a game anymore. These are, in fact, ‘the warnings for mankind’. It seems that the world has experienced more disasters in the last year than it has ever seen before. But why is that? When I was watching the devastating footage of the giant tsunami that was grasping the thousands of homes, cars, animals and humans in Japan, I was also thinking how justified the ‘theory of population’ by Malthus is!

Malthusian Theory states that the global population will reach a limit when food sources can no longer support it. Any further increase will lead to a population crash caused by natural phenomena like famine or disease. I believe in malthusian theory despite its criticisms. The world is producing enough food for everyone but people are still going hungry. The world population in 2010 was about 7 billion. Of those, almost 1 billion people went without sufficient food (FAO 2010). But

the Food and Agriculture Organisation say that this hunger is not due to food shortage, but unequal wealth distribution and the lack of purchasing power. This is where I believe Malthus’ theory of population is relevant. Malthus’ economic theory states that when mankind does not respond rationally or in an environmentally friendly way, nature is forced to take the charge. This means that if there is any natural imbalance, nature autocorrects it’s balance through some actions in the form of natural disasters. Now, the question is: are we doing something to cause an imbalance in nature and are we reacting to it in an irrational way? Yes, I am talking about global warming. This has been a serious concern for the world in the last few decades but has been ignored. Global warming is in such a vulnerable stage that even an immediate stop of co2 is not enough to avoid any future disasters. We need to get on a more sustainable path to the future. Mankind must engage in important practical actions like inventing new energy sources and slashing our greenhouse gas emissions. We’ve already unbalanced nature enough. We need to start restoring the balance within nature ourselves, otherwise nature might continue doing what Malthus says it is doing to us: inflicting more natural disasters upon us.

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SUD OKU

ISSUE THREE VERTIGO

IN CELEBRATION OF THE ROYAL WEDDING, VERTIGO PRESENTS:

FIND-A-ROYAL

BONUS DIRTY WORD: CALIGULA, ROMAN EMPEROR KNOWN FOR IMPREGNATING HIS SISTER AND TRYING TO MAKE HIS HORSE A CONSUL, HAD HIS MADNESS ATTRIBUTED TO S

ALFRED CHARLEMAGNE CATHERINE THE GREAT DIANA ELIZABETH II GENGHIS KHAN GRACE KELLY HENRY VIII JUDI DENCH LOUIS XIV MARY MORRISSEY NERO VICTORIA VLAD THE IMPALER

ISSUE THREE VERTIGO