The Interview: Shaun Tan The Feature: Shooting in Gaza The Review: Costco
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CONTENTS EDITORS
LETTERS
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LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN JAMES BOURNE CARLA EFSTRATIOU GEMMA KACZEREPA AVA NIRUI DANIEL PIOTROWSKI ANNA WATANABE JUSTIN WOLFERS
EDITORIAL Carla Efstratiou
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ROADTESTS: DIYkea Lucien, Anna & Gemma
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why do we eat with a knife and fork and not in a pool?: Nick Jordan
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ART DIRECTOR MEGAN MANNING
CONTRIBUTORS Chantelle Basiacik Keiran Boyd Brendan Cain Amanda Diaz Zeynab Gamieldien Shirley Greathead Aziza Green Tim hans Ellen Jenkinson Nick Jordan Nikki Littler Sophie Ly Erin Madden Elizabeth McFadyen Jamesina McLeod Nina Pace Asher Pratt Courtney Rogers Romi Rutovitz Daniel Sayer Douglas C Taylor Alastair Wharton
ADVERTISING STEPHANIE KING
WITH THANKS TO NEHA MADHOK ET.AL SPOT PRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE
COVER IMAGE SHAUN TAN Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of the copyright holders.
Vertigo would like to show it’s respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40,000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition and compensation for past injustices.
INTERVIEW: Shaun Tan Elizabeth McFadyen TRIVIAL DISPUTES Brendan Cain and Alastair Wharton
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DEFAMER 13 Kieran Boyd, Tim Hans, Erin Madden & James Bourne SHOWCASE Aziza Green, Ellen Jenkinson, Daniel Sayer Religion at university
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Douglas C. Taylor, Nina Pace, Romi Rutovitz, Zeynab Gamieldien ERIN GOT AN EMAIL
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FEATURE: “Shoot it, but Don’t Shoot” Chantelle Basiacik
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FOOD: Late Night Desserts Gemma Kaczerepa
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FASHION Carla Efstratiou
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REVIEWS
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Erin Madden
Jamesina McLeod, Courtney Rogers, Asher Pratt, Lucien & Justin
PLACES TO GO IF…You want to make a movie 32 Manda Diaz & Sophie Ly SPORT James Bourne
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Student Association Reports
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GAMES
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Vertigo is published by the UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION Printed by SPOTPRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquires
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soapbox Letters & opinionS Vertigo reserves the right to edit letters for design and sense-making purposes. Have your say on our Facebook page (Vertigo) or email us at editorial@utsvertigo.com
FEMINISM: YEP, WE’RE BEATING THAT OLD DRUM AGAIN
VERTIGO ARE A BUNCHA FLAMIN’ GALAHS
Feminism... As a student, I naturally spend too much time on the Stalkbook and I can’t help but be constantly infuriated every time I see people WHO I THOUGHT WERE MY FRIENDS and EDUCATED join groups with names like, “Bitch, I’m playing COD, go make me a sandwich and feed it to me” or “The good thing about being ugly is you never have to worry about being raped”,”Bitch please, you’ve been fingered more times than a bowling ball” and plays on various nursery rhymes, such as, “Twinkle twinkle little slut, close your legs you filthy mutt”. There are groups that stereotype males but the number of people who consistently join groups like the ones mentioned above seems disproportionately high to me. “Liking” groups that refer to women in such derogatory terms only desensitises us to real world issues such as inequality in the workplace, health (smoking is targeted towards young teenage girls!) and domestic violence. Today I viewed some ABS census statistics and was shocked to see the difference in income between males and females. Women earn, on average, 75 per cent of what men make. This just proves that feminism is still a highly important issue in contemporary Australian society and I feel frustrated that feminism is such a dirty word. Maybe you guys could write an article about this stuff, as I know there were some “feminist controversies” earlier in the year. I’m not bothered by vajazzling but I AM concerned that to speak freely about feminist issues might label someone as a radical or a leftie when there is clearly a lot of activism, education and actions to be done!
Dear Vertigo, YOU DON’T BURN WELL. Kind regards, - Shirley Greathead
ANYWAY PEACE OUT GEMIMA, JUSTIN, DANIEL AND ALL THE OTHER VERTIGO EDITORS!
What do you think of Vertigo this year? Tell us at editorial@utsvertigo.com
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EDITORIAL CARLA EFSTRATIOU
Hey there, You, you in the Tower, holding that watered down Concourse Café coffee, made lovingly by everyone’s favourite French barista. You’re about to skip your lecture to chat to that blonde PR chick who will undoubtedly use and abuse you for all your knowledge on post colonial imperialism; extracting every last fact from your brain all whilst twirling a piece of straw-like hair. You won’t get her, give it up. Aren’t you glad you picked up a copy of Vertigo Issue Eight instead? Now you can retain some dignity and drink that atrocious coffee in peace. Issue Eight is a milestone for Vertigo. A record number of over 20 contributors have poured their bloody, sweaty tears into crafting the greatest literary masterpieces of their lives; risking utter humiliation for the chance to have a sparkling byline in the pages of this historic magazine. Either that, or a bunch of final semester students have realised that drinking your life away for three years doesn’t give you bylines, writing experience or a fat portfolio. It only gives you a pervasive itch. Luckily for us (and you), said “pervasive itch” has proved deliciously fruitful and there’s a lot of great stuff in here. A lot of new and original, great stuff- not that I think it was necessary to deter from the effervescent wit (read as: “bitter sarcasm”) of the Vertigo editors, but hey, as Mel B, Mel C, Geri, Victoria and Emma once said, “spice up your life”. And variety is the spice of life. So, in an issue that will rival food editor, Gemma Kaczerepa’s spice rack, we give you handy hints on how to furnish a house with junk found conveniently in gutters because, well, we all know how far a degree in Sub-Saharan Tourism studies takes you. Plus, Elizabeth McFadyen interviews a REAL celebrity! The man who transformed doodling into a real career, Shaun Tan, graces Vertigo as our feature interview while Aziza Green and Daniel Sayer continue the visual orgasm through their art in this issue’s Showcase. And what’s more Vertigo goes where no dinner party dares: a debate on religion, with the big four battling it out. If riots mysteriously break out at UTS, don’t blame us. Enjoy Issue Eight, loyal readership and maybe, just maybe if you try hard enough you’ll be granted a special place inside the walls of Issue Nine. Who are we kidding; we’ll take anything you give us. Later skaters, Carla Efstratiou. VERTIGO ISSUE EIGHT . 5
ROADTEST: DIYkea
When you’re money-poor but time-rich, sometimes it pays to make like MacGyver and make your own home goods. Lucien Alperstein, Gemma Kaczerepa and Anna Watanabe show you how to pull off junk-chic.
Eggplant Vibrator: What you need: an under-ripe Oriental eggplant, a 9-volt battery, a small motor from a Lego set or a wind-up toy. Method: 1. Carefully carve out the middle of your eggplant using a knife or manakra. 2. Connect the battery to the motor and place it inside the eggplant. 3. Uh… enjoy? I can’t say that this is the most practical use for an eggplant. Call me old-fashioned, but I like them in parmigiana form or smushed up in a dip at the very least. But on those cold and lonely nights when you’re feeling so tense that everything that touches you tickles the nervous system, it may be an idea worth thinking about. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: we here at Vertigo aren’t here to judge. Difficulty: Expert – not only is this time-consuming and fiddly, you also want to make sure you’re being – uh – hygienic about it all. Milk Crate bed frame What you need: a queen-size mattress, 30 milk crates, twine or some sort of adhesive tape. Method: 1.Legally acquire 30 milk crates. Just get them. 2.Arrange them on their side, in a 5x6 formation, with the open end sticking out on every open side of the bed. 3.Tie or tape outside ring of crates together. 4.Put mattress on top. Late night snooping sessions, multiple trips to back lanes and loading docks of supermarkets might land you with more crates that you’ll ever need but we aren’t here to encourage theft. Having the crates on their side enables draw space. Have the open ends facing out on all exposed edges of your frame and depending on how many sides of your bed aren’t against a wall you’ll have between 5 and 20 generous compartments for clothes, food, shoes, books and whatever else you need to stow. A crate frame is stable, comfortable, economical, practical and, while springs may squeak and slats may moan under the weight of two writhing bodies, crate beds stay silent when other things go bump in the night. Difficulty: Hard. Although not particularly difficult to set up, the acquisition of crates makes this quite a momentous task. Nappy Heat Pack: What you need: a disposable nappy, a large zip lock bag, several cups of water, material to wrap the heat pack in. Method:
1.Open up your nappy so it’s a cradle shape and fill it with water until it can’t retain any more. This will depend on the absorbency of your nappy. 2.Flatten it (wet side up) and tuck in the corners so it’s a neat rectangle shape. 3.Put it inside the zip lock bag. Seal it and fold the loose plastic around. 4.Microwave it for about three minutes or until hot. 5.Wrap your heat pack inside some material so you don’t burn yourself. Science tells us that microwaves make heat by making the water molecules in the poorly lit, revolving box vibrate by the power of radio waves. Why waste time and money going to the shops and buying a hot-water bottle when you can just steal toiletries off a baby and make one yourself? Difficulty: Moderate – it sounds difficult but actually a nappy heat pack isn’t all that hard to DIY. And if a strange smell wafts by, just remember: the Romans used ammonia from piss to clean their clothes. It’s fine. Waste Paper (Fruit) Basket What you need: a metal waste paper basket, superhuman strength. Method:
1.Squeeze the waste paper basket around its middle using your superhuman strength until it forms a kind of hourglass shape. 2.Fill with fruit. Not only does this creation make a functional container for your apples and oranges, it’s also a fabulous piece of contemporary art. With its fluid lines and cunning use of raw materials, it’ll be sure to attract compliments aplenty. Really, you’re killing two birds with one very attractive stone. Difficulty: Easy – the weak might have a little trouble pushing the wire into itself and the strong might be too forceful but if you can get your strength right you shouldn’t have any trouble. 6 . ISSUE EIGHT VERTIGO
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why do we eat with a knife and fork and not in a pool? Nick Jordan
Eating food is a unique activity. There is nothing like plonking reconstituted sunrays into your mouth, grinding them up and letting your gustatory calyculi identify what amino acids you’re about to digest. But the way food is presented and sold isn’t unique at all. Food production and consumption is carried out in much the same way as commercialised art. Food is like sculpture. Raw materials are mined from the earth, they are distributed to people with imaginations and skill and those craftspeople turn the earthly goods into a consumable product. In the case of sculpting we consume by looking, In the case of food by licking and chewing. Food is produced and consumed just like art. But we don’t think of food or eating as art. We think of it only in relation to itself. The world of food and eating is extremely narrow-minded. Imagine ideas are bricks and the more different the idea the bigger the bricks. Now imagine building a house with all the ideas about how to use food. Now imagine building a house out of all the ideas about music. Imagine how
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much bigger the bricks in the music house would be. Chefs and food makers rarely think about how to deliver their food beyond cooking it, making it look pretty and putting it on your table. Where are the concerns about how it sounds, how fun it is to put in your mouth, how much what you’re eating looks like your sitting on. This is why restaurants produce food so repetitively. The flavours aren’t necessarily repetitive but the way that food is produced is repetitive, kitchen – plate – table – mouth. If we imagine food as another art form or creative skill we could see it built in so many interesting ways. Imagine watching a suspenseful movie while lying on a conveyor belt and as the film slowly reaches its climax you slowly get closer to the screen until BAM it ends, the screen rapidly heats up and then drips into your mouth and you can taste the thickness of the films ending on your gustatory calyculi. Imagine a restaurant or theatre where meals are served in containers of virtual reality, where you can eat food in the absolute best scenario.
Imagine eating lemon sorbet in a car in a desert in a really hot sandstorm. Everything around you would be so hectic and bothersome but you, and especially your mouth, would be so cool. Or imagine getting the munchies on the bottom of a freezing, dark sea trench and some bioluminescent beef noodle soup just happens to float past on a current. Doesn’t the idea of eating a glowing cow in the middle of the ocean just mystify you? Some chefs are already figuring out interesting ways to play with food. Contemporary Chinese artist Song Dong makes edible landscapes out of treats. His latest creation is a miniature biscuit city. Chef artist Jennifer Rubell designed a one-off restaurant inspired by the book of genesis; guests go through three floors with a course on each, one of those courses will have honey dripping from the ceiling onto 2000 pounds of barbequed pork ribs, another asks you to destroy chocolate and then gobble up the rubble of bunny statues. And there is a restaurant in Melbourne which serves all its food in complete darkness. The idea is if you can’t see anything then your tongue, nose and cheeks will focus solely on the food
and give you a heightened experience of your meal. I’m not saying every restaurant should serve its food off a slippery slide attached to an endangered species or you should forego taste and texture for being creative. It would be far too expensive and limiting to do things like that every night. I just think narrow-minded thinking about food has a detrimental effect on food culture. It means the experience of food doesn’t expand beyond taste. There are simple ways to change how food is produced and consumed, without huge costs. I would love for chefs and artists to decide together how best to integrate music into the preparation and consumption of a dish or how furniture and cutlery can be chosen to change the experience of a dinner or particular course. If we start to re-imagine food as a creative process that we produce and consume, just like any other form of art, we can start to imagine exciting new ways to experience it.
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INTERVIEW
SHAUN TAN Illustrator, author, and creator of gorgeous things Shaun Tan was kind enough to give up some of his time to talk to Lizzie McFadyen about his influences, style and the trajectory of his career. You might have seen his books The Red Tree or The Arrival; or perhaps The Lost Thing, which was adapted into an Academy Award winning short film. You have said previously that you claimed the title of the ‘good drawer’ in school in order to compensate for your short stature. Have you known from a young age that you wanted to pursue a career in the graphic arts?
illustrations, had written this story and recommended me to a publisher. I’ve been pretty much working with that publisher ever since. How would you describe your illustration style?
Yes, I think ‘wanted to’ is the key phrase here. I didn’t necessarily expect that I would [pursue a career in graphic arts]. I grew up without exposure to other artists or writers, and in school there was always an emphasis on conventional careers and measurable qualification. Art was considered something of a recreational subject, or at best, a very insecure kind of employment. But, if treated with the seriousness of any other career or small business, it can actually be a good living - this I now know. But in high school I was considering another career in biotechnology, also because I had a strong interest in evolutionary theory and genetics. I actually ended up doing an Arts degree at uni, largely out of curiosity - I loved books and painting, and wanted to understand more about that culture, about art criticism and theory, possibly be an academic of some kind. My move toward illustration is actually a third interest, which developed from a hobby of writing and illustrating science fiction stories, which began when I was about 16. How has your career evolved from your first job?
I’ve never actually had a ‘real job’ - never gone for an interview or anything like that. The closest thing has been visiting a publisher, design studio or gallery to show them my folio - I process I never found terribly successful I have to say! My first professional job was a set of illustrations for a children’s horror story, and this came about because the editor of a newsletter, to which I had once supplied a few free 10 . ISSUE EIGHT VERTIGO
Well, I like to think - and hope - that it’s quite versatile and not easily circumscribed. I’m not conscious of pursuing a particular ‘style’; it’s more the case that certain things resolve in certain ways, sometimes regardless of my intentions. Generally, I would say that I’m an ‘oblique’ illustrator, in that I rarely paint images of things described in a story, but try to go off on some sort of unexpected tangent. Because of this, I’m very partial to surrealist imagery, and like my paintings to have a dreamlike quality, especially in escaping any precise description. Where do you garner your inspiration for your surreal characters and landscapes?
They all have their genesis in real objects, people and events. There’s actually a fair bit of research that goes into each image, although you wouldn’t guess from looking at them. With The Rabbits I spent a great deal of time researching Australian colonial history and art; even The Lost Thing involved gathering lots of photos of architecture, machinery, antique furniture and small sea creatures, the latter becoming the basis for non-human characters in the story. Often the protagonist in each tale is based on myself, either metaphorically or actually (as with my likeness in The Arrival).
Apart from your wonderful illustrations, what hidden talents or hobbies do you possess?
No so many! I’m not very musical. I used to be good at sports, back when I was twelve anyway. I can have problems with very simple practical things and I can’t multi-task to save my life. But I think I can write reasonably well, largely because I’ve been writing stories for longer than I’ve been illustrating. In fact, I got into illustration through being a writer first (albeit largely unpublished). Many people would know you for your illustrations and picture books such as The Lost Thing and The Arrival, but you have also been a concept artist for animations such as Wall- E and Horton Hears a Who. How does it differ working on paper to working on screen? Which do you prefer?
I do the same concept work for books as I would do for a film, the difference being that at some point with a film it goes off to another department, and I have no creative control. For that reason, I do prefer working on my own, personal projects. When working for a film studio, I’m very conscious of being a contractor working for a client - I’m there to service their ideas, not to express my own. It’s fun and can pay well, but it has limited creative satisfaction.
quite nerve-wracking too! I was there to represent not just myself, but a whole host of people who worked on the film, so aside from the excitement of the award ceremony, there was a lot of publicity work that needed to be done around the event, a lot of responsibility. Some of the publicity was quite intrusive too, and many journalists were more interested to see the golden statue than our film, which is disappointing. It’s a bit of a circus, and I was pretty exhausted by the end of it! In hindsight, having a moment to register what had happened, the whole thing seems quite unbelievable. Any exciting new projects you’re working on at the moment?
I’m working on another picture book, and a project for the Powerhouse Museum in Sydney, which is an extension of a previous exhibition that involved writing false labels for weird objects from their collection - a lot of fun. And of course, the one question that no student interview is complete without; what advice do you have for any budding illustrators/ artists/ filmmakers?
You were given the honour of receiving an Academy Award for Best Animated Short Film for The Lost Thing this year. How would you describe this experience?
Learn to draw well. That applies even if you are a filmmaker. A lot of great directors benefit from being able to develop their own storyboards. As an illustrator, it’s the backbone of everything, arguably more important than conceptual brilliance - you wouldn’t think of playing a concert, for instance, without all the tedium of having to learn an instrument first.
As I said on stage at the time, it was surreal. That’s really the best way to describe it, because such a situation seems so far removed from the normal environment of life and work. It was
For more tips on getting published, which is a whole other challenge, check out some notes on my websites FAQ page, specifically addressed to students. VERTIGO ISSUE EIGHT . 11
Trivial Disputes
Will Seinfeld go down in the annals of history as a timeless classic?
So what’s the deal with Seinfeld? I mean really. Are we talking about a social phenomenon here? Or are the seasons after seasons of sarcasm and wining more like a bunch of bagels, hanging by the window, unnoticed, getting dusty and mouldy? Alastair and Brendan dive for their remote controls to find out
YES:
NO:
Alastair Wharton
Brendan Cain
You know, we’re living in a society. We’re supposed to act in a civilized way. And I can think of nothing less civil than to cast even a shadow of a doubt upon Seinfeld’s social significance! It’s not a show, it’s a cultural phenomenon (even Wikipedia says so) and so I would have to accuse anyone who disputed this as severely uncultured, not that there’s anything wrong with that… Seinfeld brought the sitcom into a whole new realm of funny. Just when the world was trapped under a blanket of generic, samey, moral orientated sitcoms Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David swung onto the scene and said “Fuck that! No more hugging, no more learning, no more character growth. Our show is all about selfish characters doing selfish things, and you’re gonna love it bitches!” (or something to that effect, I’m sure.) This show happened to first air in 1989, the year I was born, and I feel like under the nurturing hand of Seinfeld I became the amiable, well-adjusted, young man I am today, although with a natural aversion to women with ‘man hands’. ‘The show about nothing’ helped us to accept the irritating minutiae of our lives without having to cause a scene in the coffee shops and restaurants of the real world. Everyone has suffered the discomfort of ‘the close talker’, the embarrassment of the misinterpreted nose scratch or the utter confusion of the woman whose name rhymes with a female body part. We’re all too polite to comment in real life but Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer did it for us. (By the way, her name was Dolores, or was it Mulva?) Putting aside Seinfeld’s nine consistent years of critical acclaim and the plethora of words and phrases still used as a part of the public lexicon, let’s also remember that this show introduced a fucking holiday! Festivus (for the rest of us!) is now celebrated on the 23rd of December by anyone who yearns to break away from the commercial superficiality of Christmas and gather around an unadorned aluminum pole and partake in ‘feats of strength’ as a family united in mutual disappointment. In short: Sitcoms sucked, Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld got together to bitch about their day yadda yadda yadda… Seinfeld changed the world. Worship it, hang the box set on the wall next to the Mona Lisa, name it the first of the 7 cultural wonders of the world. Seinfeld is and always will be THE reference point for social interaction and if you don’t believe me then ‘No Soup for You!’ I’m off to have a drink, these pretzels are making me thirsty.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I am a big Seinfeld fan. As a child of the 90s I can remember no time before Seinfeld. Its cynical brand of neurotic humour filled my impressionable, pre-teen head with countless quotes, hilarious musings on the insignificant details of life and a strong desire to learn bass guitar. Now, I’m not going to bore you with the usual criticisms by Seinfeld-haters: complaining that the fashion is at best garish, or draw attention to Jerry’s inability to act (there is no life in those eyes!), or vent about the uninspired 4-camera shooting setup, or it’s cheesy musical score which is the musical equivalent of the ‘comic sans’ font, or its unconvincing restaging of New York in Los Angeles. These concerns, however true, are merely superficial. Instead, I put it to you that the very essence of Seinfeld, the comedy itself, has turned stale. When I re-watched Seinfeld a few months ago I noticed this for the first time. It seemed to me that the writers had confused speaking quickly in a whining, high-pitched voice with humour. Its dependency on catchphrases for laughs seemed cheap and childish (no soup for you, indeed). I suddenly found the canned laughter unbearable. It felt as shallow and empty as George Costanza’s morality. Where had the freshness gone? Where was its finger-on-the-pulse relevance that I had remembered? Today, few can argue that Seinfeld has aged well. I liken this process of realisation to the stages of grieving. First is denial, a stage that my worthy opponent, Alastair, has not yet passed. This stage is followed by pain, guilt, anger, depression and finally acceptance. When you take away the rose-colored spectacles of childhood nostalgia, Seinfeld just doesn’t hold up to the hype. The fact is that most comedies and comedians have a use-by date. Heck, Jerry Seinfeld hasn’t been funny in years - need I remind you of Bee Movie? Will Seinfeld stand the test of time? It has hardly survived the decade. In sum, it was a good thing I gave up the bass, there are much better instruments out there anyway.
Alastair Wharton plans to retire in a Florida nursing home.
Brendan Cain is right behind you!
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Defamer
the
ISSUE ONE VERTIGO
The Newspaper described by some readers as ‘usually pretty good’
Duracell Bunny charged with battery offenses Subeditor has field day
EXCLUSIVE: just like that club that won’t let you in if you have a penis
High Court rules Government plan to send refugees to Canberra ‘unlawful’, ‘inhumane’ and ‘morally degrading’
Alan Jones Actually a Parody, Creators Reveal
Tim Hans
Media Editor and Lover of Cheese Fans of the hugely popular The Alan Jones Breakfast Show were disappointed yesterday as the writers of the radio show pulled the plug due to the ‘Alan Jones’ character being repeatedly mistaken for a real person. “It’s a real shame,” head writer Charlie Zausberg said in a media conference, “but we all knew it was time to stop before we did anymore damage.” “I guess we’ll have to add Alan Jones to the list of infamously misinterpreted pieces of comedy throughout history- including the Bible, the Bush Administration and Rebecca
“August best month in Britain, ever”- UK Window Repairers Monthly
EXCLUSIVE James Bourne, London Correspondent & Kebab Aficionado Amongst all the doom and gloom on the streets of Britain, some sectors have recorded record profits. The Association of UK Window Repairers have reported their best financial month on record, with data suggesting that three in every five panes of British glass requiring replacement in the past month. Some panes even needed to be replaced multiple times, the association reported. Christian Fuchs, editor of UK Window Repairers Monthly, believes the riots were a watershed moment for the nation’s window repair industry. “I think every repairer in the country owes a great debt to the misguided and opportunistic youth of our country”, said
Black.” Zausberg and co-creator Derrin Hoffmann met at university and both came up with the idea to create a satirical radio show based around the fictional character ‘Alan Jones’, an obnoxious, narrow minded man with laughable political views. “It was our way of criticising the right-wing lunatics that were being voiced in Australia’s media,” says Hoffmann, “but we wanted to do it in an entertaining way.” As the show’s popularity grew, a small percentage of the listeners mistook him for an actual person. “Even though we tried to make him as outrageous as possible, people didn’t see the irony and thought it was a genuine show. But we just shrugged that off as a minor problem,” said Zaugsberg, who lives handsomely off the royalties from particularly gullible advertisers. The writers started to have doubts after the infamous episode of December 2005, when one of Alan’s trademark racist rants turned out to be one of the causes of the Cronulla riots. “We admitted that we went too far,” said Hoffmann, “but we thought that couldn’t
the editor and part time glazier. “In saying that, we don’t suggest that they come and destroy our stores and homes in order to procure that hypothetical reward. The debt we owe them is not the same as the debt they believe is owed to them by the government.” The extent of the riots proved a godsend for Fuchs, whose magazine had been desperately short on content before the events of August the 6th. “Besides a feature on a new style of tinting and a profile on Jimmy, a repairer from Surrey, the edition looked pretty threadbare,” admitted Fuchs. “But in the end, we had plenty to write about, and sold a record 73 copies in the month. It’s and outstanding result.” The British Federation of Insurance Valuers also had an incredible month, with over ten thousand properties requesting quotes for damaged storefronts.
possibly happen again.” “Sadly, the general public are less intelligent than we ever gave them credit for.” The writers have recently been enjoying their best ever ratings for the comedy, with audiences responding well to the inspired ‘climate change isn’t real’ gags and the character’s morally questionable attitude towards both Julia Gillard and women leaders in general. Despite their latest success, Zaugsberg and Hoffmann have decided to end the show as it was becoming misinterpreted by an disturbingly large percentage of the population. “Even though it’s disappointing to go out now, at least we finish at our peak,” said Zausberg, “like Fawlty Towers, say, or The Office.” The actor Claude Van Bacher, who has played the Alan Jones character since 1985, said that although he is sad to be leaving the role after so many years, he is looking forward to new career. “I used to love getting the script each day to see what rubbish they were going to make me say,” he said, “but it will be great to play different characters- you know, ones that aren’t so repulsive.” aren’t so repulsive.”
INSIDE All Blacks shorten to $1.01 to choke in the second half of World Cup Semi-Final -DefamerBetting LiftOut Editor removes gag about 9/11 from satirical paper over claims that it’s still ‘too soon’. Plans to hold onto joke until 20-year anniversary- WORLD NEWS, page 7 Obese man orders diet coke with his large Big Mac meal Feels a little better about himself- HEALTH, page 324
VERTIGO ISSUE EIGHT . 13
MP Craig Thomson denies his own existence
Roger Rogerson Political Editor and an unimaginative name for a fake reporter In the wake of an expenses scandal that threatens to bring down Australia’s government, the MP in question, Craig Thomson, has made the startling claim that he has never existed. Having already denied that he used his own union credit card to pay for prostitutes on several occasions, the Member for Dobell has cleared his name entirely by claiming that his name doesn’t even exist. “Frankly, I’ve never even heard of Craig Thomson,” he said outside his Canberra office today. “I think that clears everything up. I will take no further questions directed at Craig Thomson, as I am not him.” When quizzed as to what his name actually is, the former Union Boss declined to comment, before locking himself in his office. The announcement has taken the
Man Accidently Gets a Communication Degree Tim Hans Still Unemployed
Sydney man Tony Harrison was awarded his Bachelor of Arts in Communication by UTS yesterday, despite being unaware of ever being enrolled. The 37-year-old electrician from Sydney’s southwest accidently enrolled for the popular course whilst intoxicated late at night on his home computer. After one hour of aimless clicking and typing, he successfully selected his degree and constructed his timetable by sheer chance. Over the next three years he managed to meet the minimum requirements and satisfactorily complete the coursework, all the while completely oblivious to having done so. After being informed of his recently obtained qualification, Harrison commented, “It’s remarkable. My life was completely unaffected by my unapparent study. Wow.” He has stated that he will continue his well-paid, full-time job as an electrician. When asked what he is going to do with the degree, he replied that he will “probably use it to cover up that weird stain on my living room wall.” It was reported later that it is currently being used as note paper by the phone.
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heat off the Gillard Government, who, amongst the scuppering of the Malaysian Solution and the increasingly unpopular Carbon Tax, has seen their approval rating drops to record lows. “I think this restores the integrity of this government and this party- not that it was ever really in question,” said the Prime Minister. “The fact of the matter is this: Craig Thomson never acted in a matter that could be considered unethical, because Craig Thomson isn’t Craig Thomson. It’s simple, and I hope we can move forward from this point.” But Tony Abbott has continued to pressure the ALP over the issue in Parliament, calling for a Police inquiry into whether Craig Thomson is or isn’t. It is expected that the next month of parliamentary sittings will be dedicated to the issue.
Brawling Proves a Boon for Rugby League Chips McPaddington-Stanley Sports Writer and Privately Schooled High Anglican
The National Rugby League has today announced a new innovation aimed at drawing crowds back to the sport. An all-new Brawl TMO™ will be made compulsory from the 2012 season onwards. The new feature, described by the disembrained as ‘awesome’, was launched in Sydney today by David Gallop. The move follows an all-in brawl between the Manly Sea Eagles and the Melbourne Storm, which resulted in two send offs and a week’s worth of unprecedented media coverage and public interest in the sport. “The feedback we received following the Manly-Melbourne brawl a few weeks ago was overwhelming,” Gallop said from a secret location via video link, fearing for his own personal wellbeing. “One thing is clear: the public can’t get enough of fighting, and neither can the press. 9 in 10 league fans said they would pay to watch grown men punch each other for no apparent reason. “If we can let our overpaid players take
out their pent up anger on each other on a weekly basis, we’d probably have to increase our ground capacity just to fit everyone in.” The Brawl TMO™ will see teams designate a two-minute period during the match during which the disciplinary laws of the game are entirely dropped. While some critics have questioned the legality of glorified street melees, the game’s CEO was quick to point out that classing the act a ‘sport’ has kept numerous criminals out of jail since the league’s inception in 1908. Gallop pointed to the popularity seemingly lawless UFC as inspiration for the move. “There’s no doubting that the UFC’s brand of no-holds-barred violence has made it one of the most popular ‘sports’ going around. People just love watching other people get hurt, it’s human nature,” Gallop said. “The detail on the Brawl TMO™ is yet to be finalised. Naturally, we need to figure out whether we can allow the players to carry legitimate weapons, such as knuckledusters and baseball bats. The Defamer can also confirm that the NRL is in talks with lawyers to determine whether ‘sudden-death fixtures’ could be played out in a very literal sense.
Defamer UTS RoundUp
defamerROMANCE
Law Revue leads to students learning while at University Kieran Boyd Revue Reviewer A local UTS student unwittingly attended a recent university revue, and was surprised to have undertaken some learning in the process. Third year Media student Jaron Brayovic inadvertently walked in on a studentorganised comedy event last Thursday, and yet remained for the evening’s duration in a state of equal laughter and confusion. “I thought it was a review session for my French Language and Culture 6 class, you see? Instead, it was a 3-hour long string of inappropriately racist sketches with a smattering of nudity.” Brayovic explained: “I first realised I was in the wrong room when I saw the number of people sitting around me. I mean, all these people? Come on, sometimes the tutors don’t even rock up to class by Week 6!” “Also, my handout was labelled ‘Bill’. To quote the Ting Tings, that’s not my name.” Other differences between that parody show and his usual university lessons were less obvious to Brayovic; there was still a lack of audience participation in the auditorium, infrequent booing from the back row, and a general feeling of remorse amongst spectators as they realise they’d spent good money to attend such a farce. Despite the unfortunate reality that he missed his class, Jaron insists that he thoroughly enjoyed his diversion, and furthermore that he actually undertook in an educative experience that fateful night. The fact that this study was mainly regarding inappropriate profanities, bad puns and random musical digressions is largely beside the point. “If anything, I learned countless new ways to demean all of my Arts friends. Just kidding, Arts kids have no friends! See, I learned!” In spite of fervent attempts by Mr. Brayovic to have the session counted towards his degree, administrative workers at the University of Technology have emphasised that such excursions do not count as valid credit points for university-certified subjects. This ruling may have been influenced by the venue of the revue, as students of the University of Sydney were in fact performing it. Unsurprisingly, really, since no such cultural appreciation, communal spirit nor artistic demonstrations could ever occur at UTS.
Male lecturer forgoes jacket-collared shirt ensemble James Bourne Fashion Editor and owner of 2 pairs of jeans
A third year business lecture was taken aback last week at the sight of their lecturer arriving in a t-shirt and jeans. Professor Tim McCormack, Lecturer for Contemporary Accounting Algorithms, spent the first 15 minutes of his presentation of Tuesday reassuring his students that he wasn’t in their class. “What type of lecturer doesn’t wear a jacket?” asked a slightly puzzled Rohan Brown, who, in his 5 years of undergraduate study, had never encountered such an underdressed professional. Professor McCormack said he was just trying to lighten the mood a bit. “I think some students assume that all lecturers a styleless wankers who wear jackets to remind kids that they’re more qualified than they are,” the career academic said. “I was just trying to connect with them. Maybe I’m as out of touch as people keep telling me I am.”
Top 5 male mistakes In the spirit of equality, Erin Madden balances out last edition’s ovarian devastation with a classic female ‘men are pigs’ rant.
1. Condom complaints Here’s a fun fact for you; harlequin babies. Google it. There’s no doubt about it; if you don’t wear a condom, Jesus will strike his furious vengeance upon you by ensuring you’re the father of tiny Voldemort. You think the woman’s gonna deal with that shit? Hell no. When he-who-must-not-benamed comes flying out he’s landing straight into a basket and being fed-exed to YOUR doorstep. So remember kids, don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
2. Peeing with the toilet seat anything but down We all know you’ve aimed and fired through spaces far more challenging than a 30cm wide porcelain bowl. I know selective hearing is a go to excuse for males young and old, but selective physics is just embarrassing.
3. The berating game Just because it’s a box office pull to feature the Seth Rogans of the world mating with the Katherine Heigls, that does not mean every Andy Acne face gets to scoff at the likes of a 7. It’s embarrassing that you think you’re entitled to pass judgment and I guarantee years from now your subpar trophy wife will poison you for the non-existent money you own.
4. Assuming a lady enjoys romantic gestures No. They’re awkward and humiliating for everyone involved. Try something creative that showcases your primal abilities, like paying a homeless guy to attack your lady on a walk through the park so you can stage beating the shit out him. Not too homeless though, you don’t want to look like an asshole. Find a nice, fresh homeless man with stars in his eyes and a fresh communications degree in his hand.
5. Playing video games in a lady’s presence If you think two hours of repeatedly shooting my army man’s already bullet riddled corpse is great foreplay, than you and your 10 finger army will always stand to attention alone.
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SHOWCASING Aziza Green Illustration by Ellen Jenkinson Aziza Green is pitting one novel against hundreds of how-to articles for the interwebz. She is also the VP of the UTS Writers’ Society and blogs at www.onethousandlights.com
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I heard you wrote a book After comparing lives with you for years I see how I’ve been losing. We’re at your mother’s Christmas party and I’m hiding in backyard with the smokers, your uncle Paul and cousin Jerrard. I’m even puffing one of the horrid things myself, just to keep it real. I don’t need to be here, but I can’t stand being in the same room as you. Not while they’re all fussing over you. Your family. My family. They’re inching closer and closer to you as though at any moment they’re going to heave you onto their shoulders and break out into the street chanting something triumphant and catchy. Paul is complaining about the tight-faced cougars that frequent the Vinyl Room these days. I consider his double denim jeans and jacket combo and wonder if he’s being a touch picky. I stub out my ciggie, surely you lot inside have settled down by now. From the time we were kids through to university I thought I was your muse. The way you talked to me, deep and intense. The way you praised me. We took some writing classes together and you’d read my work with tears in your eyes, mumbling and sighing at my amateur complications. It felt brilliant. Then I grew up. I focused my electives on a stable career path, pulling away from the murky road of the humanities. You kept on. Despite your mother’s tantrum and your father’s silent disapproval, you enrolled in the Master’s course that the English faculty invited you to. You continued to study, long after I got a job, got a husband, got on with life. That’s when I started to look down on you. I spot Marcus in the corner of the living room when I come back inside. I wink at him, and give him the sexy eyes that are meant to say, let’s get busy later at home. He stares at me, puzzled. I’m a rubbish flirt, even my husband misses my cues. He goes back to alphabetising your mother’s DVD collection. Maybe it’s not me. I wonder if it’s even worth the effort of getting something going in the bedroom tonight. It’s rarely anything mind blowing. Fifteen years and we’re still all gloved hands fumbling in the dark for the light switch. “Renee!” I breathe out and turn. “Prue!” “Darling what have you been up to?” “Oh you know. Just work and - ” “Please tell me you’ve left that awful lab company.” “No, no. I’m still there.” Your big sister, Prue. She “just tells it like it is”. She flaunts this quality, like it’s a virtue. Like it makes her a unique contributor to society. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw it on the news.” “Hmmmm, yes. Well it wasn’t…” “I mean what did you do when in came out in the media?” What did I do? It was a one person in one department who had authorised illegal dumping of lab waste material. Of course, it’s horrible and at least two species of the beetles were wiped out, but did it really warrant the social outrage? I attended the staff meetings run by the PR woman, with a smile like a flash of lightning, that they hired to manage the fallout. I took the flyers that outlined how to deal with the media, I signed all the dotted lines they put in front of me and then I took the tidy bonus and pay rise that they gave to all staff at my level and above. Marcus and I decided to use the money to finally take that holiday we’d been talking about. Only, I made the mistake of letting him plan the trip. We went to Italy, but all we did was trek from museum to museum tracking the history of the place like there’d be a test after. The most adventurous thing we did was sneaking a photograph, without the flash, in the “no cameras” area of the Mussolini display. The photo’s so bleary it could be of anything. It could be a photo of my cat’s face. It was nothing like the holidays you took to Peru and India and Morocco. You didn’t take any pictures, but when you talked about those places I could see them in my mind. You always had a way with words, you use them like lassos, which you so casually cast out, tighten in a flash and slowly draw in your listener. That’s what it was like reading your book. Yes, I read it. I bought it the day it appeared at the bookshop near my work. I didn’t know what to expect, we hadn’t spoken the whole time you were writing it. I keep my distance by hovering around the kitchen. I’m in here for so long people start to ask me where things are and now I’m dishing dinner for everyone onto your mother’s mismatched floral plates. I think of my dinner service. All white. All matching. What are your plates are like? I know you still don’t own a place. Maybe you never will. I smile at that. But as I dish your dinner onto the prettiest plate, while you wait with your own smile, I know something’s changed. Even your name means something different now. It’s like you said at the end of your book, “the one less travelled made all the difference.”
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SHOWCASING DANIEL SAYER Daniel Sayer is a third year student of the secret sect Vis Com, because of his affiliations with said group, we are unable to release any further details about him. However, we have heard that he thoroughly enjoys matchmaking ink and paper and can be found trading his creations for food at any nearby fast food outlet. Usually working in the pencil and ink medium he has been known to wander as far as water colour and will gladly swap the pen tool for a pen any day.
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Atheist – Nina Pace
Is religion
I don’t think religion is any more or less visible at university than it is in society at large. Just like in the broader community, people have their own intrinsic beliefs. For most, these personal beliefs are just that - personal. If religion comes up in the conversation, I think people are open and willing to make their position known. However, in settings that are focused on learning and academia, the relevance of one’s religion - or lack thereof - is nil. University is much like a professional work situation, where the focus is on getting the job done and working as a cohesive team. Whether you are Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist or Pastafarian makes absolutely no difference.
Christian – Douglas C. Taylor
Religion is everywhere at universities, if you take the time to look. Now, I’m not talking about organized religions, or their respective groups on campus who, let’s be honest, you could probably avoid if you really wanted to. I’m talking about the religion that resides within each and every one of us. I’m sure that most of you have switched off now, thinking ‘I’m not religious. I’m an enlightened, 21stCentury Australian.’ But let me ask you this: Why do you sacrifice hours of your life going to classes you don’t really like, studying for exams, even getting heavily involved in student clubs if not to get a good job, or earn lots of money, or get some form of social status?
less visible
at university? Why?
Just like in the broader community, where adherents can visit their place of worship, the religious at university have union groups where they can go to share their thoughts with likeminded individuals on campus. There’s the UTS Hindu Society, the CREDO Christian Student Group, the Muslim Society, the Buddhist Meditation Society…the list goes on. You only need to go to an Open Day to revel in just how visible religion can be. The beauty about secular institutions is that these religious beliefs do not interfere with the learning - and nor should they. People are no less forthcoming about their faith at university than they would be to a new boss. I am yet to hear anybody introduce themselves to fellow classmates as “Joe the Catholic” or “Pete the Muslim” - just as you wouldn’t open with this in a work interview. I think we all realise that there’s no need for undue emphasis to be placed on religion in any situation just like there’s no need to place emphasis on one’s sexuality or ethnicity. Religion isn’t any more or less visible at university - it just takes the backseat.
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Even just the idea of graduation can have such a dominating hold on our hearts that all of our energy and free time go into getting that piece of paper and the paycheck and prestige attached to it. We religiously worship anything (or anyone) that, at the core of our being, we believe would fulfill us. Something we look to for absolute meaning. Anything about which we say ‘if I had that, I’ll have value, I’ll be set for life.’ Call it whatever you want, but at the end of the day, it’s nothing more than religious worship of a thing. We’re not a secular society; we’re a deeply religious one. People read the Financial Review, Time Magazine, Vogue, even their textbooks the way others read the Bible, or the Qur’an. They talk about money in terms once reserved for God, and look to power and wealth for the kind of fulfillment and security that only God can provide (and are utterly crushed when they are found lacking). Religion is everywhere at universities, if you take the time to look.
JewISH – Romi Rutovitz
ISLAMIC - Zeynab Gamieldien
Unfortunately, Judaism is a religion that may seem less visible on campus. Often my university friends have told me that I am the first Jew they have ever met! This is an important trend that needs to change. A critical issue students, regardless of faith, at university need to acknowledge is the difficultly for many Jewish students on campus to showcase their Jewish pride and their support for Israel. There are many political issues discussed on campus, some of which have connections to Israel, and there are times when Jewish students are made to feel marginalised or downtrodden for what they believe in. It is unfortunate that politics can have such a large impact on the place of a particular religion. Groups like the Australasian Union of Jewish Students (AUJS) are important communities for both Jewish and non-Jewish students to be aware of as they work to educate and inform students about the emotional and spiritual connection to Israel the Jewish people have. Importantly, groups and individuals are working to expose the democratic and progressive nature of the country that strengthens the Jewish students on campus. Being a Jewish student on campus means exploring your faith in many creative ways, similar to how many students learn about themselves through the vibrant student life and university experiences on campus. Whilst it may not seem to those outside the Jewish faith, anti-Semitism unfortunately still exists on campus today. The most critical issue for Jewish students are extremist views on campuses about religion, leading to a dissociation of their religious identity. Judaism may seem less visible, but it’s alive and well on campus and the 8000 Jewish students on university campuses around Australia are working to change that.
From a Muslim perspective, it is our responsibility to ensure that our religion remains visible in any environment that we find ourselves in. This is not necessarily through active proselytising; it can through any positive and friendly interaction with others. University is the perfect medium for religion to be visible and openly discussed. Many of the people I encounter at university have had very limited contact with Muslims before coming to university. The fact that I wear a headscarf makes me identifiable as Muslim, and it definitely attracts attention at times! People feel comfortable asking me questions about my religion at any time and I have to be prepared for the hard ones. For example, one of my tutors once asked me why I wear the headscarf, which put me on the spot in front of the whole class and forced me to bare my own religious beliefs to them. It is moments like this that make me believe that religion is certainly not less visible at university. If anything, as a Muslim I have found an increased interest in my religion of late and an increasing willingness of people to display that interest. As part of the UTS Muslim Society, we have found that our events regularly draw non-Muslims who are curious about what we are all about. We also engage with other members of other religious societies such as Credo, and this engagement is further proof that religion has a visible presence at university. There are so many misconceptions about Islam and so Muslim university students like me are faced with the massive responsibility of debunking these, one by one. It can be tough but it’s something we embrace. As a woman in a headscarf I’ll never be invisible anyway, so why not make the most of it?
What do you think about religion at uni? Tell us at submissions@utsvertigo.com
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How to: relieve existential anxiety by abusing customer service representatives via email ERIN MADDEN From: “Sarah at FreeGroceries” <postman@freegroceries.com.au> Sender: freegroceriesau@aweber.com Date: Thu, 25 Aug 2011 06:03:38 -0400 To: erin madden Subject: erin, amazing deals on cool products erin, this message is from Freegroceries.com.au which you joined. To cancel membership click here Hi erin, Zazz is the coolest electronics site in Australia, offering you one exclusive new product every day at amazing discounts. Click here to join FREE For more great offers and Grocery Dollars visit www.FreeGroceries.com.au Best regards, Sarah McCarthy Customer Service Team Free Groceries Strawberry Way, Strawberry Hills, NSW 2012, AUSTRALIA To: Sarah at FreeGroceries Re: erin, amazing deals on cool products Hello Sarah, You seduced me by illuminating an enticing dream; a mars bar with the words ‘free groceries’ framing its deliciousness in a comforting facebook font.And yet here I am, alone in my student apartment pondering the hardships of the human condition, one of which is my lack of fucking free groceries. I hope you and the endless supply of online marketers who have walked face first into the shiny glass doors of internet advertising realise that to bring your business model crashing to the ground all someone needs to do is set up a dummy email account, forward all the special offers there and claim the rewards points with no exposure to the brand messages or offers your partners pay 1000s to drill into my already exhausted mind. Have I done this; a question you’re probably not asking because you don’t give a shit about my rant? NO SARAH I HAVEN’T. Why? Because I’m a shit person who takes existential anxieties out on customer sales reps who probably couldn’t give a shit what I say or who I am as they sit behind their computer, devastated at witnessing the light from their souls drain into the colourful pictures of burgers and candy and massage oils that others erase into non-existence as they cram into tiny, urine soaked boxes in peak hour with hundreds of others who are literally so caged they desire nothing more than to do something outrageously primal like rip their head through their neighbour’s mX and screech a mating call before mounting them in full view of other commuters, hopefully beginning an animalistic orgy that stands to truly remind us what raw existence is. So Sarah, please take me off your mailing list because I am a fucking psychopath who’s not even capable of being a borderline decent human being, let alone a committed online consumer. THANK YOU. Erin Madden. 22 . ISSUE EIGHT VERTIGO
5
Shoot it, but Don’t Shoot 5
*Please note that this is not an opinion piece about a highly sensitive issue, but rather a recount about shooting a documentary in an extremely troubled, yet beautiful, region.
Picture me sitting down at Israeli customs with $400 of worthless travel insurance while my friend and cameraman, Jack, is getting searched and questioned in a room next door. Fuck me! Welcome to Israel. Most people thought I was suffering from insanity or was just an overly ambitious 20-year-old. Truthfully speaking, I probably am insane and I definitely was ambitious. This past winter break, myself and two mates, Jack and Alastair, travelled to Israel and Palestine’s West Bank, to shoot my final year film project: a documentary on a place riddled with warfare and constant disagreement for the past 60 years. Why the hell, then, would I decide to take on such an outrageous, in-depth, politically sensitive and awfully dangerous task? Firstly it was on a student budget, which - as you’d imagine - was very minimalist in nature, and secondly, the region is in utter turmoil! Frankly, I thought, “why not?” Rupert Murdoch’s “Western” owned media tends to flippantly (and ignorantly) state, ‘There will never be peace in the Middle East’. Well, I wanted to know why. And who better to ask than the youth of this troubled and tormented piece of Holy Land? As a young Australian who’d never had an attack on her civil liberties or experienced fear of warfare, I wanted to gain an insight into the experiences of these young men and women.
While the revolutions of the Arab Spring continued to rise, we entered the Holy Land without hesitation. But having said that, there were some anxiety attacks pre-border crossing… “What’s the purpose of your visit, ma’am?” asked a polo shirtwearing Israeli soldier sporting Ray Ban sunnies and armed with an M16. “I’m a tourist,” I said nervously. An answer I was told to stick to. As a student filmmaker with no film permit, guerrilla filmmaking in a foreign land that is under perpetual and constant conflict seemed to not be such a well thought out idea. This became apparent in the first few days. Yet, it did spice things up a whole lot more. Half the time I felt like a secret agent, creating multiple copies of footage, storing them in numerous hard-drives, placing them strategically in certain parts of certain bags, all to avoid it being confiscated by the authorities at a military checkpoint. And at one point, we were caught out. The Old City of Jerusalem was the scene of our very first hostile encounter with the Israeli authorities. Early that morning we had interviewed the executive producer of the Israeli-Jewish organisation, Breaking the Silence, who VERTIGO ISSUE EIGHT . 23
provided an avenue for soldiers to share their experiences in the Israeli Defence Force (IDF). These soldiers describe the horrors witnessed or carried out in the “Territories”, the term they coin for occupied Palestine, which includes the West Bank and the Gaza Strip. Once the interview concluded, we were given books and DVDs that the organisation had produced about the occupation in Palestine featuring testimonials from soldiers, particularly those stationed in Hebron, a Palestinian city in the West Bank. Placing them in my bag, we then trotted off to do some sightseeing. After a trek up to the Mountain of Olives where good ol’ JC ascended, we headed back to our hostel. En route, we decided to take the Dung Gate entry into the Old City. This entry was unique because it had a checkpoint. Thinking nothing of it, we walked through the metal detectors and got our bags checked. As the officer opened my bag he realised its contents… and so did I. “What is this?” “These DVDs are very bad!” “Why do you have these books?” “Where did you get them from?” Shakes of the head and heated exchanges in Hebrew on his walkie-talkie made me think that this was it. It was all over red rover. I had all my hard-drives on me, plus my laptop and the camera gear, which all carried sensitive footage shot in the West Bank city of Nablus. It was not so much our fate I was frightened for, but those of our interviewees. I now had a responsibility to keep their interviews out of the hands of the authorities; they stressed to us that they could potentially be sent to prison for expressing their views if it was deemed a matter of security. This still remains an issue, even now that the documentary is finished. As these thoughts raced around my head, an Israeli police officer came from the distance and surveyed the contents of my bag. He then asked us to follow him to the police station. Cue ominous music. I was sure we were going to be arrested and all my footage was going to be erased. I was shitting myself.
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Things got worse when we got to the police station and I was separated from my friends, taken to a room and interrogated. Act cool, I thought. The two options in my mind were either to tell the truth or to try my luck with the ‘dumb yet, curious tourist’ routine. I decided on the latter. “What are you doing here in Israel? Are you a journalist or something?” “No, I’m just a tourist.” I replied. “Why were you talking to this group?” “As a 20-year-old, I wanted to find out about involuntary service and what it’s like being young and in the army.” Yeah, right, what kind of tourist does that? I thought, as I continued to explain myself. The questions seemed to go round and round with frequent interludes of telephone calls in Hebrew, which made me quite nervous. Let’s just say we weren’t arrested, but very intimidated and became extremely paranoid. And the ordeal of having to delete multiple interviews and sensitive footage at our Jerusalem hostel later that night completely sucked. There was no way of uploading them onto a server at the time and we thought it was just too risky to keep it on us. Thanks, Jerusalem, you highly-charged mistress. “Can you not point your gun at me?” Standing with my cameraman and friend, Alastair, and three Palestinian interviewees under the gaze of six Israeli soldiers, I didn’t feel like I had much power, but for a young Australian passport holder, it felt a little better knowing that they probably weren’t going to cause bodily harm, as long as I didn’t make any sudden movements. You see, we had been in the West Bank for three and half weeks and Hebron was our last port of call in the south of the West Bank - and it’s the most militarised city. That night we were at the Youth Against Settlements centre when things took a potentially precarious turn. Upon travelling to Hebron, we were told repeatedly not go by nearly everyone, as it is considered the most dangerous area in the West Bank. You see, in a city of nearly 180 000
Palestinians, 600 Jewish illegal (according to International Law) settlers live inside the city and have caused severe upheaval to the lifestyle of the Palestinians. The town is divided up into two sections: H1 and H2. H1 is Palestinian authority-controlled and H2 is completely Israeli military-controlled, with 2000 Israeli soldiers stationed to protect the settlers. We were staying on the border of H1 and H2 with Badia, a volunteer with Youth Against Settlements, and his family. After a day of interviews we headed back to the Youth Against Settlement’s centre to drink some tea and smoke narghile. The Centre’s neighbour is, awkwardly enough, a Jewish settlement, which is guarded by Israeli soldiers who we had found extremely unwilling to talk to us. Nevertheless, as the arrogant and swagging young filmmakers we were, we would often attempt to engage these young IDF men and women in conversation. Normally they ignored us but this night was different. When the Centre owner, Issa, decided to check the back porch, he was told to “Come over here!” Issa knew better than to follow that order: “If I go to him, then I am on the settlement property and he can legally shoot me.” Staying put, the soldier, who was now on edge, called his sergeant and five other soldiers over to question us from across the fence. “Film them!” Issa urged us. This was a kind of defence. For Palestinians in Hebron, a camera is their M16. Jewish settlers, soldiers and policemen are the only ones allowed to carry arms. Therefore, for Palestinians, everyone has a gun except them, making them susceptible to military brutality or settler violence, which is known to occur in Hebron. At this point the soldiers had taken our passports and were deciding whether or not to delete footage on the camera. We stood there staring off with the soldiers, as Issa reported it to the police.
“I feel like my life is in danger,” he told the police, an exaggeration we thought was only expressed to create a sense of urgency. After exchanges between Issa and an understanding police commander who had arrived on the scene, we were free to go. Nevertheless, Badia told us if we were not there, the soldiers might not have been so patient. “They would probably have beaten us.” As a tourist it was frightening, disruptive and just fucking annoying, but as a local, I can’t believe how it must feel to experience this every day. As internationals (what they call tourists), we seemed to have a privileged status in Palestine. For example, soldiers were less likely to openly discriminate due to fear of us potentially filming or documenting it. As an international I was allowed to walk on Shuhada Street, the principal thoroughfare and market area of Hebron, which is closed off to Palestinians. However, Badia was not. One morning, I asked him if we could try to walk on the street together to test it out while we filmed. Luckily enough, as we were ‘Internationals’ and armed with a camera, Badia was able to walk on the street for the first time since 1994. The most horrible thing is not the Occupation (which is bad enough) but the outright segregation reinforced by Israel on Palestinians, which takes form in settler-only roads, checkpoints and house demolitions. Particularly in Hebron, the Ibrahimi Mosque, which was taken over by Jewish settlers on one side, has been divided into a synagogue and mosque. It has two checkpoints upon entry. It’s kind of hard to be impartial when you see that there is a clear ‘occupier’ and an ‘occupied’ people. But the bottom line is that hate breeds hatred and, from what I gathered, many of these young Israelis and Palestinians want an end. They want peace. Yet many still foster a lot of hatred and fear of the ‘other’. Check out www.ps-pictures.com for more info on the doco.
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FOOD
Gemma Kaczerepa
LATE NIGHT DESSERTS
Had your dinner but still have room for more? Nothing in the fridge/freezer/cupboard/ bottom of your bag to satisfy your sweet craving? Then head to one of Vertigo’s favourite late night dessert haunts. Gelato Messina Shop 1/241 Victoria Street, Darlinghurst Open 12pm to 11pm Sunday to Thursday and 12pm to 11.30pm Friday and Saturday This place does arguably the best gelato in town and the hefty queues on a Friday or Saturday night can attest to this. They have all the classic flavours, but tempt you to go far out and freaky with options like salted caramel and white chocolate, passionfruit cheesecake and, a personal favourite, Porky’s Revenge: maple syrup gelato with pancakes and candied bacon bits. And with free samples available, roomy clothes are advised.
Boon Chocolates 251 Victoria Street, Darlinghurst Open 11am to 7pm Sunday to Thursday and 11am to 10pm Friday and Saturday If all those commercial chocolate chains are getting you down, this will be a boon to your woes. Chocolates are handmade onsite and new flavours are regularly brought in to add to the already unique array: balsamic vinegar with strawberry praline, white chocolate ganache with rose and roasted sesame seeds with rice crispies are notably delicious highlights.
Emperor’s Garden Cake & Bakery 96-100 Hay Street, Haymarket Open 7.30am to 1am daily Dinner left you a little out of pocket? Come to Chinatown for fresh custard puffs at only 30c a pop or four for a dollar. If that doesn’t get you going, there’s also a huge range of intriguing desserts, from taro buns to egg tarts to Swiss cheese cake. It’s less glossy than all those Breadtops but what it lacks in good looks, it more than makes up for in decent desserts.
Badde Manors 37 Glebe Point Road, Glebe Open 7am to midnight on weekdays and 7am to 1am on weekends This quirky Glebe hotspot is the perfect place for a late night rendezvous or drunken dessert craving. The drinks and dessert menu is bulging with gluttonous options that speak to every kind of sweet tooth: sour cherry strudel? Italian baked ricotta cake? Chocolate mousse torte? Don’t mind if I do.
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Carla Efstratiou
FASHION
FASHION EXPERIENCES
I know, I know, Internet shopping is all the rage and nothing beats it – blah, blah globalisation is taking over – blah, blah - get with the times, Carla. Whatever. The old-school consumer in me can’t seem to get over genuinely beautiful shopping experiences. The ones where you enter a shop and feel inspired to transform into a modern day Diana Vreeland. So, open up the treasure chest of your imagination, dance around in the beautiful gems of these style haunts and then go back to your sterile computer and see how much mass-produced online chain store chic pales in comparison. SHAG 34 Oxford Street, Paddington If your grandma ever explodes, this is what the residue would look like. Shag is a vintage heaven and a cut above smelly St. Vinnies and Salvos stores - they actually clean their handpicked collection before selling it to customers! The glitter, sparkles and tulle are all great, but my favourite element of Shag is the collection of out of control costume jewellery. Once the sun catches an angle of those (fake) crystals, everyone in the store will be at risk of blindness. These rocks are seriously amazing.
Romance Was Born 4 Oxford Street, Paddington I know, definitely not a uni kid budget, but the clothes are so pretty! I love pop up stores because they change weekly. If you get bored in Romance Was Born, you have something seriously wrong with you and should probably get diagnosed with ADHD and put on Ritalin because this store is bat shit crazy. The billowing dresses that resemble a year two craft project combined with the neon pink lights and indie tunes send any shopper in a tizzy. Definitely worth a look and a try… maybe even a buy if you’re loaded.
Victoria & Albert Antiques Ground Floor, Strand Arcade, Sydney If you’re into the remains of dead dudes, then look no further. This store (if you can even call it that) measures about 1x4 metres, and most people who enter are fat old rich men buying antique jewels for their bitches. All of this aside, go in when it’s empty, because you’ll be bowled over by the sheer history kept inside those glass cabinets. Don’t be intimidated by the grandeur - I bought a Georgian ring from here for a nice $20. There’s a strong possibility that you may be inheriting royal jewels if you shop here, so for all you history buffs, get on it.
Camilla Beach House 132A Warners Avenue, Bondi Beach I know. A shop that limits their range to one piece of clothing is suffering from a lack of imagination. From the minute you walk into the Camilla flagship beach house in North Bondi, you leave the busy Sydney streets and enter a delightful Fijian paradise. With a roomful of girls dancing around in flowing colourful transparent sheets looking like feral exotic pelicans, what’s not to love? Even when it’s storming outside, this place shines with its rustic beach interiors and laidback vibe. Get yo’ beach chic on.
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Words: JAMESINA MCLEOD
.......................
FEATURED REVIEW
COSTCO
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Costco Auburn, one of three Australian outlets, opened just over a month ago at the end of July. Other locations include Melbourne and Canberra. A total of 15 Australian stores are planned to join the 600-odd stores worldwide. Currently there are 58 million cardholders worldwide, and the latest one is Jamesina McLeod who went to check it out for us.
Two things put me off visiting Costco. Well, three if you count getting lost on the way and inspiring the vocal outrage of my passive-aggressive GPS and my human companion. Firstly, the membership fee. Though a giant discount invariably connotes a flurry of Crazy Warehouse Guy slogans, “TRY BEFORE YOU BUY!” isn’t one of them. As students looking to pillage a potential Mecca of Mi-goreng, forking out sixty dollars for a yearly membership to simply be allowed access to the premises was a test of faith1. I blithely assumed the store’s target demographi- bargain hunters, like me- would balk at the rationale of having to pay Costco for the privilege of buying their goods. Apart from businesses and the odd, cashed-up inner-city granny, ‘Who would bother shopping at Costco?’ my companion and I snorted as we flashed our cards to the ladybouncer at the entrance. Everyone, as it turns out: families, couples, the elderly, their grandchildren. On a Saturday afternoon in Spring, Costco had managed to pull an exuberant crowd of hundreds rivalling any panicked Christmas Eve shopping frenzy. Voices mingled while hands waved above the crowd, flagging friends over to newly-discovered bargains in any one the jewellery, electronics, hardware, fresh food, clothing, furniture or toys sections. I watched as a woman used her midriff to nudge along a trolley groaning under the weight of what looked like the entire on-site bakery, her four young children precariously perched on top like the sprinkles on the twelve-pack of cupcakes on which they sat. Tucked under their mother’s arms were a tin of Chuppa-Chups and a boxes of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Watching the heaving trolleys rattling en masse towards the check-out, any onlooker could clearly see the Australian population has been deprived of basic, affordable living essentials. Especially toilet paper and connector pens. Costco’s product range is astounding. Laminated floor tiles are stacked next to merino wool sweaters, fully erected tree houses
and fresh seafood on ice. “EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK!” would apply if it weren’t for the fact that Costco actually sells kitchen sinks, starting from $89.95. The appeal of having so many brands, both well-known and obscure, across so many categories under the one roof is undeniable. This is coupled with an IKEA-style kiosk allowing you to purchase and eat hot-dogs, quesadillas and gigantic slices of pizza as you trawl through sky-high stacks of crates packed with Hershey’s chocolate sauce, which you can buy ‘by the gallon’. Which brings me to my second hang-up. From its US clothing sizes to the giant pre-packaged and food portion sizes, Costco is clearly American consumerism in all its undisguised and unfettered glory. Be prepared to spend – the savings come from buying large and in bulk. It takes a lot more than a handful of loose change to fill that trolley with a dozen croissants, pre-packaged pairs of Wonder White loaves and 500g chip packets (the smallest size stocked). Costco, I decided, is why America is fat2. One thing about Costco though – it’s not pretentious. It cuts prices by cutting the frills, the fancy displays and the extra time and effort needed to come up with ridiculous product names like ‘EKTORP’ and ‘KARLSTAD’. The staff are courteous and helpful when they manage to hear your query over the rising din. Families weren’t harried, they were excited and happy. It’s not my fourteen-pack, two-gallon, buy-one-get-one free cup of tea – but that’s not to say it mightn’t be yours. NOTES 1. Our fee was subsidised by the Vertigo editors, themselves sympathetic to the rejuvenating properties of two-minute noodles despite their curious lack of flavour, nutrition and noncarcinogenic additives. 2. This theory has yet to be scientifically tested or even considered. VERTIGO ISSUE EIGHT . 29
REVIEWS MUSIC
AVA NIRUI
FILM
Courtney Rogers
WASHED OUT Within and Without
Chalet Girl In Cinemas Now
During recent years, artists under the electro-psychadelica or ‘chillwave’ umbrella have been asphyxiated by hype with the sudden emergence and popularity of ultra-trendy, hipster favourites such as Neon Indian and Toro Y Moi. Sadly, it is not the content of the music itself that has granted these artists such abrupt ‘cool’ status, but rather their image coupled with their involvement in the ‘radical’ psychadelic drug culture. Solo artist Washed Out also known as Ernest Greene (who fittingly became known for being the curator of theme song of satirical, anti-hipster skit-show Portlandia) can be categorised as one of these buzzed about, chillwave musicians. Although a full length album from Washed Out has been highly anticipated following the captivating 2010 EP Life of Leisure, the brand new installment Within and Without does not live up to the hysteria. With an abundance of droney vocals and cyclical synthetic melodies, Greene’s new record can be effectively used as an alternative to a high dosage sleeping tablet. (But that’s chill, right?)
Kim (Felicity Jones) is a former female skateboard pro who, after her mum dies in a car crash, leaves the sport to support her dad (Bill Bailey) by working in a fast-food burger joint. But cleaning gum off serving trays isn’t enough for this spunky whippersnapper. She takes a job as a chalet girl in Austria, parties down with a crazy Fin, learns to snowboard, wins a competition and the heart of Johnny (Ed Westwick).
Innovative and promising opening tracks ‘Eyes Be Closed’ and ‘Echoes’ should not be considered a benchmark for the entire record. With drawn-out dreamy vocals and hazy synth melodies against an inconsistent beat, ‘Eyes Be Closed’ is a nostalgic and refreshing start to the album. Similarly, the heavy bass-line and intense vocal reverb on ‘Echoes’ build a summery, 70’s disco-esque vibe which channels the same energy as ‘New Theory’ off Greene’s most recent EP. Such musical experimentation is forfeited however, with bizarre orchestral track ‘A Dedication’ featuring a simple piano chord progression overlapped with monotonous looped vocals. The mediocre nature of the record is summed up with synthetic drone-fest ‘Olivia’ – a forgettable, uncomfortably distorted, two minute electronic nightmare.
Nothing has been challenged in this film. The structure remains the same - girl meets boy, boy pisses off girl, boy wins back girl’s heart and they live happily ever after - the themes of self-discovery and true love are shadowed by too much of that British kick-ass girl power theme reminiscent of the Spice Girls Movie - and the dialogue is unbelievable, “Hey Babe, Bye Babe *kiss kiss*” - YUCK! Bill Bailey and Bill Nighy couldn’t even save this film, which should have been a straight-to-DVD release. And, to many a parent’s delight, Chalet Girl will do to snowboarding what Blue Crush did to surfing, breed a generation of female snowboarders flying down the slopes in bright pink jumpsuits. Good luck affording it!
Within and Without from proves that hype is certainly not synonymous with talent.
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This film is so ridiculously romcom. A Cinderella story told with cheesy jokes, corny romantic moments and awful exaggerated British and European accents. Twelve year olds will love it. They can squeal over Ed Westwick’s rich boy charm and dream of one day ruling the slopes. It is something they would watch while on school holidays because it happened to be on daytime TV. So, as a twentytwo year old, I couldn’t help but feel a little dirty when leaving the cinema.
THEATRE
LUCIEN ALPERSTEIN
TELEVISION
Justin Wolfers
Human Interest Story Belvoir Street Theatre, Till 18th September
Game of Thrones HBO/Showcase
Six people walk out onto the dark, bare stage, stand in front of a TV, and read out the worst of the news headlines of the past six months. It’s as if they’ve become one giant, scary Lee Lin Chin. Their heads turn from side to side like they’re reading from a teleprompter and then the dancing begins. Lucy Geurin’s Human Interest Story sits somewhere between contemporary dance and theatre. It’s not a play but it’s not quite dance. Guerin grapples with how we consume news, our apathy towards catastrophe and the constant bombardment by news. Mostly it is told through movement: intimate or violent interactions between the dancers and jarring, visceral repetition. I found my attention waxing and waning.
Beheadings, incest, and whorehouses. Blood, and broken honour, and the fear of war and winter. This is the world in which Game of Thrones is set. Adapted from the George R. R. Martin book series A Song of Ice and Fire, this new HBO venture has gone through one wildly popular season in the US, and is currently airing on Showcase in Australia (and on the internet, somewhere, I hear). It’s an epic drama set in medieval times, with hints of fantasy under the surface - but all genre-talk aside, its strength and attraction is in the diverse and fascinating set of characters it follows through the series.
Sound designer and composer Jethro Woodward has done a fantastic job in fitting the sounds with the ideas of the performance. The play sounds like a mix between heavy machinery, static and nails on a chalkboard. It’s perfect. Guerin’s choreography is at-times brilliant but towards the end of almost every act I found my attention slipping, wishing each section had moved on to something new a few minutes earlier. Rather than having a narrative, the performance is more of a visual critique of news media. There are a few tangents that come close to subplots but are cut short and exist just to demonstrate society’s relationship with the news. As a result of the narrow focus of the performance and the heavy repetition throughout I feel Guerin was dragging her feet to create a full-length production. Human Interest Story would have been far more impressive if it were performed in 50 minutes, rather than the 70 minutes taken by Guerin. Luckily for her, the excellent performance of all six cast members sustains the play and left me feeling satisfied.
We ground ourselves in the Game of Thrones universe by aligning ourselves with the proud and honourable Stark family from Winterfell, who reside in the faroff Northern parts of the kingdom. Their Lord is Eddard Stark (Sean Bean), who is a man of noble and unrelenting principle; and he simultaneously serves and and wards off rivals who are hedonistic, barbaric, and power-hungry. He is loyal to his old friend King Robert Baratheon (Mark Addy); who must contend with the ignoble ambition of the wealthy Lannister family; and all these factions are uneasy with fear of invasion by the Dothraki tribe from across the Narrow Sea; and amongst all this, The Night’s Watch, at the northern-most outpost, have the ominous task of keeping watch over The Wall from the mysterious threats that seem to lurk beyond it. If it sounds like too many characters to follow, or too many stories to unravel – somehow, it’s not. The writing is focused, and the direction light-handed, making transitions between the various worlds appear seamless. Lust is one of the core themes explored. Most men take mistresses, the women are often subservient; and therein misogyny is explored, through female characters such as Queen Daenerys Targaryen (Emelia Clarke) who grows in strength and power throughout the series, and the chillingly evil Queen Cersei (Lena Headley) who is the quintessential manipulator, for whom power is both the means and the end. Violence and sex punctuates every major plot, and the directors seem to delight in sometimes lingering on beheadings and stabbings to give you the gore that True Blood has seen become an HBO trademark. So: excitement, more compelling characters than I have time to describe, and lots and lots of plotting and backstabbing. Get on it while its hot.
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PLACES TO GO IF ... you want to make a movie
When it comes to filmmaking, Sydney is so hot right now. Baz Luhrmann is shooting his adaptation of The Great Gatsby here and it won’t be long before Bradley Cooper arrives to play Lucifer in Paradise Lost. So Vertigo decided to get Manda Diaz and Sophie Ly to do some scouting and scope out the perfect locations for your own blockbuster.
TRAVEL: Museum Station, Sydney CBD Nearby St James station was used as the setting for recent Aussie horror flick The Tunnel, and while Museum lacks the space for people to lie bloody and dying on its platforms, it makes up for it with quaint advertisements and old school London-esque charm. Perfect for any scenes involving steam trains whisking British school children to magical lands/boarding schools. Owls not included. BATTLE: Mount Wilson, Queens Ave, Richmond If you never quite let go of your youth and aren’t ashamed to admit that Hanson and the Spice Girls frequent your iPod, come on down to Teen Spirit on the first Friday of every month. Your favourite 90s hits will be blaring all night long and childhood films you forgot you loved will be projected in the movie room. Bumbag and double denim optional. HIDE: Glebe Tram Sheds, Maxwell Rd, Glebe It’s the end of the world and the apocalypse is nigh -- whether it’s a zombie infestation, killer robots or nuclear decimation. You’re thinking decrepit and decay. Think tram sheds. Despite the small and difficult entry, this rusty warehouse in Glebe is a colourful home to derelict trams and graffiti art and is a general cesspit of junk. Perfect for zombie battles, a junkyard shelter or the aftermath of a nuke attack.
SEE: Sydney Uni, The Prettier End of Broadway, Sydney: Let’s just face it, USYD has us beat with some things. Our lack of grand, gothic buildings is one of them. Whether you’re shooting a dreary Victorian piece, poking around a haunted chateau or just need some goddamn grass, Sydney Uni is bound to have the right set with gargoyles, battlements and stone-arch hallways. Hell, if you need some extra killer props they’ll probably throw in the mummies* from the Nicholson Museum for free too. *For heaven’s sake don’t throw the mummies.
wUTS HAPPENING UTS: Sydney International Animation Festival: Showcasing the latest highlights of world animation, the eagerly anticipated UTS: Sydney International Animation Festival returns to UTS from September 23 - 26. For more information and to purchase tickets please go to siaf.uts.edu.au Backstage Semester Two Party: UTS’s drama nerds are putting on a sequel to their acclaimed Semester One Party at The Loft on September 14. The theme is ‘Dead Celebrities’ so get creative with your most gruesome garb and come and party from 7pm til late. Oh and there’s a bar tab. Speaker Series II: For something a little more scholarly, come along to UTS Law Students’ Society’s second annual Speaker Series event, September 28. Experts in the legal field will come and discuss, debate and deliberate the topic of discrimination in modern Australia, followed by a Q&A with the audience. All students are invited to attend. For more info contact ed@utslss.com or vpee@utslss.com
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SPORT
Obscure Sports: Floorball Words: James Bourne
What’s my tip for the next sport that will take over the world? It is floorball. So, how do you describe the Swedish game of floorball? Wikipedia gives it a shot, describing it as ‘a type of floor hockey developed in Sweden’. And, as per usual, Wikipedia is pretty much on the mark. The thing is, floorball is still so obscure that Microsoft Word still puts a sqiggly red line underneath it everytime it is typed. The easiest way to describe floorball is to go on a long and unhelpful comparison to other sports you might understand. The sport is a lot like ice hockey really, if you were to eliminate the ice and puck and play it on a basketball court with a small round plastic ball with holes in it. Get the idea? Until you play it, you probably won’t. Such was my girlfriend’s confusion at what the sport was about, she simply refers to it as ‘quidditch’. Really, it’s simple. There are two goals, just like in ice hockey, and so the idea is to work together as a six-person team, over 3 twenty-minute periods, to score as many goals as possible. It’s fast, skilful, and exhausting- and the rules can take a little getting used to.
Floorball was only formalised as an official sport in Scandinavia in the late 1980s, and the first world cup was held only 15 years ago. Since then, the sport has grown slowly, with over 50 countries worldwide boasting a floorball association- including Australia. The sport was brought to our shores by Scandinavian expats- and the competitions across Sydney are still dominated by these imports who have grown up with the sport. Why, just last year the Australian floorball side competed at the FWC (Floorball World Championships) for the first time in the top division- before being soundly beaten 30-1 by Sweden, which is the mother of all beatings. Scores in competitive matches range, usually, between 5 and 10 goals per side. So can you play for fun in Sydney? Absolutely. There are several venues, located mostly in the Eastern and Northern Suburbs, all of which offer introductory games and skill sessionsand then once you’ve got the hang of it, you can try your hand (or stick) competitively. The other excellent thing about floorball is that, at least in Sydney, it is played as
a mixed team sport (boys and girls)- and is non contact, in case you were worried about the ice-hockey elements of the game. Once you’ve learnt the rules, it’s very accessible, and provided you’re not playing against former Swedish representative players, it’s quite a lot of fun. So will this be the next big thing in sport? Well, the IOC has given the sport recognition, and the International Floorball Federation are pushing for inclusion in the 2020 Olympic Games. Then again, so is rockclimbing and wakeboarding. Still, if you fancy playing for Australia at an Olympic Games, why not get into this fast growing sport now? Just by registering, you’ll probably be amongst the top 500 floorballers in the country, and the only way is up. And, of course, if you’re motivated by fitness or enjoyment rather than Olympic glory, then it’s certainly worth a shot, too. ________________________________ Interested in giving floorball a shot? Check out the Australian Floorball Association website for competition details. www.floorball.org.au
VERTIGO ISSUE EIGHT . 33
SA REPORTS Neha Madhok Students’ Association President
Another semester, another set of campaigns! This semester we’re working on two major campaigns through the Education and Welfare Department, and continuing to provide you with our fantastic services. The cost of transport is a basic welfare issue for most students. The current travel concession schemes operate within varied and restrictive frameworks which exclude students who study part time, work, travel instate (including for university internships or placements) or international students. We have been calling for a national student concession card scheme that will allow all students access to concessions on public transport nationwide, similar to a national concession card that currently exists for seniors and pensioners. The campaign for this scheme has been building over the past few years and after consistent lobbying, petitions and large rallies, we have finally seen a tangible response. Labor backbencher, John Hargraves, wants to bring the issue to the forefront of the federal agenda and create a national student concession card. So how can you make a difference? Participate in our ‘Fair Fares’ campaign and sign the online petition. Our national counterparts will be meeting with members of parliament to discuss this very issue and the more signatures we have, the more impact we’ll make. www.gopetition.com/petitions/a-national-student-concessioncard.html Remember, the small action of signing a petition adds your voice to the collective call for action and by coming together we can create change. Despite the fact that we pay large fees for our degrees, we all know we get lumped with extra costs once starting uni. Textbooks, uniforms, software, excursion costs… often subjects come with their own hidden price tag just to get
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through the semester. The Higher Education Support Act prohibits universities from charging compulsory fees on top of your current fees, yet students are still being charged. We want to see universities held accountable for the extra strain placed on students, by stopping the costs unique to specific subjects and degrees. But to do this we need your help to identify where they are, so that we can use this information to lobby the university and the government to stop robbing students. Know of any subjects that have compulsory resources, assessments, uniforms or other materials? Email us at students.association@uts.edu.au or contact me directly. We all complain about the lack of technology at UTS ‘University of The Swamp’ and ‘University of No Technology, Sydney’ are common jokes thrown around by frustrated students. But what does it actually mean to be a University of Technology? UTS held a forum for us on this very topic last week and your thoughts were clear: ‘technology’ may mean innovation but in the digital age, innovation is digital technology. We want to see UTS continue to improve its technology services whilst also striving in research, teaching and learning. We’ll keep an eye on how this feedback is received. Don’t forget to check out: Our FREE Legal Service 11-1pm open sessions on Mondays at Broadway and Thursdays at Markets. All other sessions by appointment. The FREE UTSSA Bluebird Brekkie Bar, 8:30-11am Wednesdays, level 4 Tower. Contact me: E: sapresident2011@uts.edu.au T: @SA_President Ph: 9514 1155
UTS Enviro Collective In the winter holidays we went down to Albury for a weeklong environmental conference called Students of Sustainability (SOS). SOS is a national event organised by people in the Australian Student Environment Network and it’s basically a giant congregation of people interested in environmental and social justice issues. This year there were about 300 people attending, ranging from veteran, dreadlocked activists to my friend’s 17-year-old sister. There were workshops throughout the day covering nuclear waste, climate change, food equity and a whole day on our friend H2O. At night time we ate vegan food in a giant heated marquee (think circus tent) and the heavies went down to the uni bar to kick on. Next year’s SOS is bound to be terrific as well and it will be held in Bendigo, Victoria. Last weekend there was also a Sydney-based conference talking about similar stuff, just for a day. These kinds of things tend to pop up quite often - for instance, the state environment activist network is planning a weekend skill share in the second weekend of September. These events are fantastic ways to learn more about the environment, engage in and make a difference to the world you live in. At the collective we also have workshops every second week, with a new topic each time. It’s a great place to find out what’s happening at a state and national level as well. So if you wanna get involved, check us out and take part! We have meetings in the room on the top level of The Loft every Monday from 1pm.
UTS WOMENS COLLECTIVE Hey there! It’s been a great few weeks for the Women’s Collective. We’ve had some wonderful submissions for the Women’s Issue of Vertigo, but there’s still time to submit yours! Please send your submission to utswomenscollective@gmail.com September 1st marks Equal Pay Day. This is a day to recognise that women in Australia earn 18% less than their male colleagues and still face disadvantage in the workplace. A NATSEM (National Centre for Social and Economic Research) report released in 2010 showed that simply being a woman accounted for 60% of the difference in pay between men and women. If this trend continues, the average 25-year-old male will earn $2.4 million over the next forty years; for the average 25-year-old female, that figure is just $1.5 million. Of course this is outrageous, so make sure you help spread the word on the importance of pushing for equal pay in Australia! Come along to our meetings on Thursdays at 5pm in the Women’s Room! All female-identifying students are welcome to these meetings where we discuss feminism, campaigns, and convene over delish eats and tea and coffee Don’t forget to ‘like’ UTS Women’s Collective on Facebook and follow UTSSA_Women’s on Twitter. You can also sign up to our mailing list - just send us an email at utswomenscollective@gmail.com Wishing you all the best with life and uni! Peace and feminist love, UTS Women’s Collective
UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION NOTICE OF STUDENT ELECTION To be held on all campuses Between 17 October and 19 October 2011 with an additional day of voting for the position of Australian Indigenous Officer if required Monday 12 September 2011 nominations will open to currently enrolled students for the following positions A President A Secretary A Treasurer A Postgraduate Officer to be elected by and from postgraduate students A Women’s Officer to be elected by and from women students An Overseas Students’ Officer to be elected by and from students who hold an Overseas Student Visa An Australian Indigenous Officer to be elected by and from Australian Indigenous Students 10 Student Representative Councillors 7 delegates to the National Union of Students Vertigo Editorial Team BROADWAY CAMPUS To be elected by and from students whose primary place of study is Broadway Campus: A Convenor, A Secretary and 10 Campus Committee Members A Women’s Officer elected by and from women students whose primary place of study is Broadway MARKETS CAMPUS To be elected by and from students whose primary place of study is Markets Campus: A Convenor, A Secretary and 10 Campus Committee Members A Women’s Officer elected by and from women students whose primary place of study is Markets Campus KURING - GAI CAMPUS To be elected by and from students whose primary place of study is Kuring-gai Campus: A Convenor, A Secretary and 10 Campus Committee Members A Women’s Officer elected by and from women students whose primary place of study is Kuring-gai Campus Nominations must be submitted on the prescribed form which may be obtained from the Students’ Association office at Broadway. (Ph. 02 9514 1155). Candidates statements and photographs (to be published in Vertigo) must be submitted with the nomination forms before the close of nominations. NOMINATIONS CLOSE AT 2:00PM MONDAY 26 SEPTEMBER 2011 NOMINATIONS CANNOT BE ACCEPTED AFTER THIS TIME Nominations may be received at the Association Office on each campus on Monday 26 September 2011 from 12 noon to 2pm OR alternatively, may be mailed to reach the Returning Officer’s postal address no later than 2pm Monday 26 September 2011 Christine Kibble Returning Officer POSTAL ADDRESS: The Returning Officer, UTS Students’ Association, PO Box 123 BROADWAY NSW 2007
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SUDOKU
VERTIGO VERTIGO ISSUE ISSUE SIX EIGHT . 37. 37
In a follow-up to Vertigoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s uproariously popular Find-a-Moustache, we present:
FIND-A-BEARD
Find-a-Beard.
Chinstrap Ducktail French Fork Klingon Goatee Hollywoodian
Lincoln Old Dutch Rap Industry Standard Short Boxed Beard Van Dyke Zappa
Bonus dirty word: If you happen to be a Ballchinian from Men In Black, your beard would most likely be a hairy s______.
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