We Still Do! A Celebration of 25 Years of Marriage_Charles & Valerie Nezianya

“The Lord Jesus Christ is Our Foundation, Our Solid Rock, Our Hope in all things and Our Salvation. To HIM alone be All the glory for all HE has done, and for all HE continues to do for us.” – CHARLES AND VALERIE

AFTER 25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

We Still Do! A testimony of God’s abundant grace and faithfulness

CHARLES AND VALERIE

NEZIANYA

We Still Do! ‘Live joyfully with the wife whom you love, all the days of your fleeting life which He has given you under the sun – all the days of vanity and futility. For this is your reward in life and in your work in which you have laboured under the sun.’

Ecclesiastes 9:9

CHARLES AND VALERIE

NEZIANYA

WE STILL DO! Authors: Charles and Valerie Nezianya Copyright © March 2019, A Chosen To Give Life Ministries Publication

ISBN 978-164516234-6

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorised reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the authors/publisher.

For information contact: honourablemarriages@gmail.com http://www.chosentogivelife.com

Dedication This book is written and dedicated to glorify and exalt Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, the only third person in our union – The Author of Marriage and the Giver of Life. He is Our Enabler, Our Helper, Our Hope, Our Source, Our Joy, Our Confidence, Our Provider, Our Victory and Our Peace.

He has remained Our Way Maker and Our Covenant Keeper. God promised to lead us daily in our marital journey, as we trust Him and bring Him into our decisions. He has never failed us! Time after time, He brought us victory when all hope was gone.

Through the years, the Lord Our God has led us and walked the journey of marital challenges with us, never letting go and always assuring us that we will make it to the end as we stay our hearts and fix our eyes on Him. He is Our Testimony and Our Treasure forever.

To Our God, Our Lord Jesus Christ, be ALL the glory, adoration, praise, honour and blessing for the years thus far… He is most faithful to see us through until the end, according to His will and purpose for our lives ~Amen.

Preface This book is a testimony of God’s abundant grace and faithfulness, with the Lord Jesus Christ being Our Foundation, Our Solid Rock, Our Hope in all things and Our Salvation. To Him alone be All the glory for all HE has done and continues to do for us ~Amen.

God has been the only third party in our marriage and we have learnt through all our pains and joys to depend on Him and be content with each other. He has taught us, through His Word, to build our home upon the truth in His Word. Our Lord Jesus Christ is the living Word of God and He remains the solid foundation of our marriage. We do not claim to have a fairy tale marriage - not at all - but we do however proclaim and testify that God has remained faithful to us and has blessed us tremendously.

Through our marital journey, we learn to rely upon God and trust His leading. It is true that we may not understand all things as they happen, but we have learnt to rest in Him and be content in what He permits and allows us to experience.

“For we know that ALL things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 This book is written to bring hope and encouragement to all who are currently experiencing challenges in their marriages and to provide sound biblical teachings to those who are trusting God to be married someday. Marriage is truly beautiful and, from the beginning, God ordained it to be so. There is hope in God to live a joyful and blissful married life.

Our prayer is that you will be blessed and liberated by the truth revealed in this book. May the revelation bring you sudden victories and restore your joy as you purpose to make Jesus Christ Lord over your marriage and your life ~ Amen.

Acknowledgements Our joy and victories have been accomplished only by the grace of the Living God and the favour and blessings He has bestowed upon us through the wonderful people He has brought into our lives. God has given us the privilege to lead and counsel so many wonderful people across nations and continents.

To all of the people who have allowed us to impact their marriages in some small way, we are eternally grateful to you for the opportunity, privilege and honour.

Our Prayer is that you will go from strength to strength, as you stay your hearts on Jesus and make Him the foundation of your marriage and the only third person in your union. He is most faithful and trustworthy.

We would like to honour our Parents-in-the-Lord, Pastor (Dr) & Pastor (Mrs) Rex Fubara Manuel who joined us in holy matrimony on 6th March 1994, and nurtured us in the truths of biblical marriage throughout the years we served under their spiritual leadership in Nigeria. Their unconditional love for each other and complete dedication to God and the marriage ministry is worthy of emulation. We remain extremely grateful to them and treasure them deeply.

We would like to thank all the Partners of the Honourable Marriages Ministry United Kingdom, and the Visionaries of the 2B1 Couples Fellowship Switzerland, for being co-labourers with us in the ministry to marriages each year.

Serving alongside you all over the last 11 years has been an honour and privilege.

Your labour of love and seeds of righteousness planted in marriages each year will be greatly rewarded by our Lord Jesus Christ. He will remember each of you at the end of all things.

Our deepest appreciation also goes to our double portion children, Zachary and Juanita, who are the olive plants round about our marital table. What a privilege it is to be parents of such wonderful and abundantly blessed children. They truly make our lives joyful. We love you amazingly! We remain ever grateful to “our help from the Lord”, Aime Cagud, who has graciously and faithfully served us

and continues to minister to our family’s needs.

We treasure and appreciate the love and support of our Senior Pastors of the Cornerstone Community Church - Singapore, and New Covenant Church London. May God bless and reward you all.

To our local church family, Cornerstone African House of Praise (CAHOP) Singapore, we deeply treasure you all for allowing us to be a blessing to you and for being a huge blessing to our family too. We love you!

We deeply appreciate Kareem Lee for her selfless love, sacrifices and time given to editing and formatting this book. May the Lord make you a partaker of the blessings of these glorious seeds and reward you abundantly.

The Honourable Marriages Vision The Honourable Marriages vision was formally birthed in London in 2008, following many years of nurturing by the Lord Himself. From the day we got married on 6th March 1994, we were convinced, without a doubt, that our marriage was to be a ministry to our generation.

God planted us under the ministry of our parents in the Lord, Pastor (Dr) and Pastor (Mrs) Rex Fubara Manuel of Revelation Ministries International headquartered in Calabar, Nigeria, to whom God had given an extremely fruitful marriage ministry. For many years, they sowed into us and we remained completely obedient to their guidance and teachings, fully convinced that this was the will of God for us.

When God relocated us from Nigeria to the United Kingdom in 1997, He revealed to us the purpose of our relocation clearly – to use what had been planted in us to bless nations across the world. And so from step to step, a little upon a little, from strength to strength and from one level of glory to another, God made room for us in the land and provided the platforms as we waited on Him to lead.

The Honourable Marriages vision was born out of our desire to use our marital journey (highs and lows), knowledge of God’s expectations for marriages as recorded in the Holy Scriptures, and the privileges we have in counselling married couples, to bless nations and encourage couples to nurture and fulfil their marital ministry.

Whilst we do not portray that we know it all and that it has been all honky dorey for us. We, however, have come to the conclusion that the world’s concept of marriage is totally different from God’s original intention when He placed Adam and Eve in that beautiful garden called Eden.

Marriage is an institution ordained by God for the enjoyment of every believer.

His intention has always been for our marriages to bring us joy and everlasting

bliss. This is certainly not the case these days. So where has it all gone wrong?

Why do marriages fail?

It never ceases to sadden our heart when we see two people who fell “head over heels in love” with each other end up being sworn enemies. How can so much love turn to deep hatred over time? Seriously, how does it get that bad?

From our experiences, as well as our study of the Holy Bible, it can only be attributed to one main thing – the foundation. Where a marriage is built on a wrong foundation (be it surface attractions, or wrong ideas and motives), there is the likelihood that it will not stand the test of time.

There are many reasons why people make that all-important commitment. Some commit for the right reasons, and some for the wrong reasons. Whichever be the case, the foundation laid in any marriage will determine its survival. For better, for worse; in sickness or in health. For many, this is just an old-time recitation, made without any conviction at the point in time!

A house built on a solid and firm foundation will withstand the storms. Likewise, a marriage built on solid godly precepts will stand. After all, God instituted marriage and, for it to succeed, it has to be lived and enjoyed God’s way and nothing less.

We have found that issues that could shake the foundations of any marriage, if not dealt with wisely, are sex, money, insecurity, distrust and undue interference by external parties.

What foundation is your marriage built upon? Is it built on biblical principles or on the experiences of your parents, grandparents, relatives or friends? Are the solutions to your marital challenges derived from TV talk shows, internet chat forums, books outlining the 10 steps to a healthy marriage, or advice from friends or business colleagues? The Holy Bible says it all in Psalm 127:1:

“Except the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it; except the Lord keeps the city, the watchman watches but in vain”.

Paul sends this warning in 1 Corinthians 3:11: “For no other foundation can anyone lay than that which is already laid, which is Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One)”.

The foundation of all marriages has been laid in the Holy Scriptures. God gives wisdom liberally to all who need it. You require wisdom to build and keep your marriage alive.

Except you humble yourself before God and pray for His timely guidance every step of your marital journey, you most likely would give up on your marriage even before it starts.

All marriages must ideally be built on five key relationships:     

A marital relationship A spiritual relationship A sexual relationship A financial relationship A communal Relationship

Where one of these relationships is not managed properly, it could result in resentment and rancour in a marriage.

Through the Honourable Marriages vision, we annually host marriage seminars, marriage banquets, couples getaways and retreats in different cities across Asia and Europe, as our Lord opens the door for us. We have also established a monthly Couples Prayer Line where couples join in from different continents and pray together, holding hands, as we prayerfully remind ourselves of God’s Words to direct and lead us in our marital journeys.

We also intercede in prayer for marriages as we trust God to bring restoration to couples experiencing marital challenges.

Our desire is to see our marriages thrive and prosper as God originally intended.

God gives us the grace to marry and to enjoy marriage. We cannot have a blissful marriage WITHOUT GOD! He is the Author and Finisher of all good things and in Him alone, can we have everlasting and true joy.

We believe the time is NOW for the Honourable Marriages vision to be birthed in Singapore. This is the acceptable season for you to draw close and bring your marriage and desire to marry before the Lord. You can trust Him to do a new thing in your marriage! Only believe and you shall receive it!

We are excited about this new season of ministry and we invite you to join us and become a partner of this end-time ministry. Let us take the truth of God’s Word concerning our marriages to the ends of the earth If you would like to partner with us to see this vision established in Singapore and in the continent of Asia, by God’s grace alone, know more about the Honourable Marriages vision or would like one-to-one counselling, please write to us at: honourablemarriages@gmail.com

Testimony 2B1 Couples Fellowship Visionaries ~ Switzerland *** We give glory to God for the birthing of the Honourable Marriages in Singapore.

We rejoice with Pastors Charles and Valerie Nezianya on this new move of God. 2B1 Fellowship is the couples fellowship of RCCG Sanctuary of Praise, Zurich, Switzerland. Through the years, we have been blessed by the ministry of Pastors Charles and Valerie who have come to Zurich every year for the past 7 years to lead us at annual couples’ getaway. Their commitment and dedication to seeing this work grow in Zurich is incredible, and a testimony of their love for God and commitment to His calling on their lives.

Through this annual event, couples have been taught in a variety of ways and in very practical terms on how to spice up their marriages. This event has brought healing to marriages, given a blueprint on how to take marriage to a new level. Joy has been restored to homes, wisdom has been acquired by husbands and wives on how to build and sustain a Christian home, marriage vows have been renewed and marriages have been rededicated to God. We give God all the glory for all the great works He has done in our marriages in Zurich and we pray that Our God will do even more in the marriages in Singapore through the Honourable Marriages fellowship in Jesus name. Amen. ~ PASTOR & PASTOR (MRS) YOMI EKOGBOLU

Contents He Who Finds A Wife .......................................................................... 3 Our Covenant ....................................................................................... 7 Our Foundation ................................................................................... 11 A Help Meet For Him ....................................................................... 16 The Man, The Head Of His Wife ......................................................... 21 Becoming One Flesh ............................................................................ 29 The Power Of Agreement...................................................................... 33 Overcoming Marital Challenges .............................................................. 38 Living Joyfully Together ......................................................................... 43 The Spiritual Relationship ....................................................................... 68 Financial Matters ................................................................................. 84 Sexual Matters ..................................................................................103 The Place Of “Others” ........................................................................124 Only Believe .....................................................................................143 1

We Still Do!

and We Still Do!

25 years…

2

Chapter One He Who Finds A Wife…

As we celebrate our silver jubilee, we cannot but reflect on our journey, how we started out, and how we have arrived at this point by the special grace of our God. As a young man, I was consumed with not making the wrong choice for a wife, having witnessed physical battles between couples and bitter quarrels even between my parents.

“He who finds a (true and faithful) wife, finds a good thing, and obtains favour and approval from the Lord” Proverbs 18:22 This is one very powerful verse that tends to answer a lot of questions, and is one of my all time favourites, for good reason. Let us try to unpack 3

We Still Do! this verse for a better understanding. Firstly, this verse addresses the traditional concept of marriage as was originally set out by God. It states, “He who finds a wife”.

This means that only a ‘He’ (male) should be thus engaged in finding a wife (a female). This is the foundation of biblical marriage to which every professing believer in Our Lord Jesus Christ must adhere.

In line with the Holy Bible, marriage can only be between a male and female, and not as the world is trying to define marriage as a union of any consenting adults, even if of the same sex.

Genesis 2:24 states: “For this reason, a man shall leave his Father and Mother, and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall be one flesh”.

We should examine the word ‘finds’. This is an active verb that goes to the heart of the matter being discussed, as it involves a search. The word ‘finds’, implies that something is missing or lost, that needs to be located or discovered.

This is the reason why any man who desires to marry a wife must do due diligence to search properly to find his wife.

The search for a wife cannot be taken lightly as it may result in the wrong choice. The man cannot afford to be swayed just by looks and carriage, education and intelligence. I have heard people describe a lady as ‘wife 4

We Still Do! material’, meaning that the lady possesses certain specific qualities that make her suitable to be a wife. Let me add here that such qualifications differ from person to person, but as disciples of Christ, it is important that whatever qualities you are seeking must include ‘the fear of God’.

Proverbs 31:30 states: ‘Charm and grace are deceptive, and (superficial) beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord (reverently worshipping, obeying, serving and trusting Him with awe-filled respect), she will be praised”.

The next part of that beautiful verse states that such a find (a wife), is ‘a good thing’. This is quite profound as the word of God describes a wife as a good thing. My understanding of a good thing is something that adds value, something that is desirable.

This is God’s Word encouraging you to search, put in the hard work until you find your wife, ‘good thing’. It is hard work to search for anything, let alone a lifelong partner.

Genesis 2:18 tells us why such a find must be a good thing. It states, “Now the Lord God said, ‘it is not good (beneficial) for man to be alone, I will make him a helper (one who balances him- a counterpart who is) suitable and complimentary for him”.

In other words, my wife is my helper, the one God has made to balance me, a counterpart that is suitable and complimentary for me.

This is why the search to find the right person is of great importance. The 5

We Still Do! thought of a wrong decision should fill anyone with trepidation that you may not achieve God’s purpose for your life. Frightening!!

Lastly, the verse concludes that such a man who finds a wife will “obtain favour and approval from God”.

My goodness, who is it that will not want to operate under God’s favour and approval? It is a no brainer.

I see men queuing up to gain favour and approval from other men. In fact, I have been on such a queue in times past, but favour and approval from God? That is definitely what kings and princes desire, and here God is offering it to you freely for finding a wife. This is added incentive to make sure your search is sincere and your objective is clear, so as not to squander this largesse from God. Dear Reader, permit me to state here that our God who knows ALL things, including the heart of men, guided my search, and opened my eyes to find my wife, ‘Good Thing”, in Valerie.

We have known only God’s favour since our wedding day some 25 years ago, and God continues to shower us with His favour and approval. We are happy and continue to work side by side in ministry, and raising our godly children in the fear of our God. What can be more blessed and rewarding than that?

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Chapter Two Our Covenant…

The word covenant was first used in the Bible in Genesis 15:18. It states: “On the same day, the Lord made a covenant (promise, pledge) with Abram, saying, “To your descendants, I have given this land, from the river of Egypt to the great Euphrates”...”

A covenant simply means an agreement, akin to a contract between two or more parties. The contract bestows responsibilities and privileges or benefits on the parties.

In the first covenant, God promises to bless and bequeath land to Abram and his descendants forever. The covenant specifies the exact land and its boundaries, else the covenant could apply to all lands, which would 7

We Still Do! mean the whole earth. Abram on his part also had responsibilities to remain obedient to God, forsaking all. He and his household were to worship God alone.

This is similar to the covenant we enter into when we marry our spouse.

Our marriage covenant also provides responsibilities and benefits to both parties, in this case, the husband and his wife.

The covenant involves the public vows you make at your wedding ceremony, as well as your acknowledgement that you have ceded authority over your own body to your spouse.

The solemniser at your wedding ceremony will lead you through your vows, asking if you will agree to stay together through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, till death do you part? To which you will respond, I do.

Whilst these public declarations and attestations are important and always beautiful to witness, it is the vows or covenant we make before God that is the focus in this chapter.

Our covenant stems from the original plan God had when He decided that it was not good for the man to be alone, He put Adam to sleep, and took from him a rib with which He formed the woman and brought her to Adam in Genesis 2:18.

My responsibility in our covenant is to love my wife, defend her, treat her well, not treacherously, support her, and live peaceably with her.

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We Still Do! Ephesians 5:25 states: “Love your wife as Christ loved the church, and gave His life for her”.

This is the example that I, as a husband, must follow, to love my wife even as Christ loved His church and gave His life for her. This means that I must give any and everything for my wife. Nothing is too great and no sacrifice too much, even to the expense of my life.

This means that no offence or transgression should be able to pull us apart.

There can be no putting away or defrauding, just as it is unimaginable that Christ would put away His church and bride.

My wife also has responsibilities and benefits in our covenant. She is to honour me with her body, and to be submitted to me as her head.

This is a major problem for many couples because the man’s search was not conducted with the diligence due, remember that “a woman that fears the Lord shall be praised”, Proverbs 18:22.

The woman who obeys and submits to her husband doesn’t do it because she has no self-worth, but because she is commanded to do so in the Word of God. She does it as unto the Lord. Proverbs 14:1 states: “A wise woman builds her home, But a foolish one tears it down with her own hands” Wisdom is from God. In fact, scripture states in Prov.9:10, that “the fear 9

We Still Do! of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”.

James 1:5 states: “If anyone lacks wisdom, Let him ask of God Who gives liberally” This means that wisdom can only be found in and through God. It is important that we understand our responsibilities in the marriage covenant. Hebrews 13:4 states: “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed is undefiled, but whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge” In other words, infidelity or unfaithfulness is the one offence that may result in rancour in a marriage. It is also telling that God will judge such unfaithfulness. This should frighten anyone, the prospect of God’s judgement instead of His favour and approval.

My choice is clear for all to see. Hebrews 10:31 states that “It is a fearful thing to fall into the Hands of The living God”

10

Chapter Three Our Foundation…

Foundation is defined as a basis or groundwork, and also as the natural or prepared ground or base on which something rests. With either of these definitions in mind, we cannot discuss our foundation without going back to where it all began.

Valerie and I met as students at The Polytechnic, Calabar, Nigeria where she was studying Accountancy. At the time, we were not practicing Christians but were brought up to identify as such, in name.

Matthew 15:8 says “this people honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me”. Ours was a gradual cultivation of affection based on circumstances and purpose.

We started dating and realised that we were soul mates. We enjoyed each 11

We Still Do! other’s company and were very independent-minded, albeit for different reasons. As our relationship developed, we became more and more inseparable and sought ways to perpetuate it.

In those days, you do a two-year National Diploma then take a work placement to gain practical experience, before returning to complete another two years for a Higher Diploma. It was in that season that Valerie undertook a four hour road trip to visit her eldest maternal sibling who was getting married.

It was common place to see people pray, lead worship, and even preach on public transport. This was a platform that young Christians often embraced to hone or develop an ability to preach.

It was the beginnings of a strong stirring to seek God, and Valerie promptly searched for and found a charismatic youth facing church called Revelation Ministries International, on her return to her hometown in Calabar, Nigeria.

The seeds of change had been sown and the transformation had started to take hold. She soon answered the salvation call, formally accepting Jesus as her Lord and Saviour.

After this momentous event, she visited me at school to inform me of the changes in her life, and I consequently followed her to church to understand what had taken hold of her.

I was subsequently introduced to the General Overseer of the church, Rev. 12

We Still Do! (Dr.) Rex Fubara Manuel and his wife, Pastor (Mrs) Esther Rex Fubara Manuel. He immediately invited me for an informal chat, an invitation I was too happy to accept.

On the set day, I arrived early as I saw this as an opportunity to break the spell over Valerie and release her, like a knight, but without armour. The chat turned out to be very friendly and non- confrontational. He inquired about my faith, belief, relationship with Valerie and my plans for the future. By the end of the meeting, he had convinced me of the error of my ways, and suggested I read 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. It states as follows: “But, I say to the unmarried and to the widows, (that as a practical matter), it is good if they remain (single and entirely devoted to the Lord) as I am, But if they do not have (sufficient) self-control, they should marry, For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” I read this passage multiple times to be sure that I wasn’t missing anything that could portray a different meaning. I then sought a followup meeting with the Pastor. He asked if I understood the scripture and the context in which he had asked me to go and read it.

I explained that we desired to get married, to which he counselled that we refrain from any physical contact if we wanted to be guided right.

1 Corinthians 3:11 states: “For no one can lay a foundation other than the one which is (already) laid, which is Jesus Christ” 13

We Still Do! He counselled that a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ was the first foundation we needed in marriage. I was convicted, and surrendered my life to Jesus! We became regulars in church and, with guidance, we had a short courtship which culminated in our church blessing, where we were joined as Man and Wife before the gathering of God’s people on 6th March 1994.

There is a faithful saying that “after the wedding comes the marriage”.

We were very blessed to have Pastors whose calling and ministry was to women and marriages. Our Pastors thoughtfully guided us as we started our journey.

We were involved in the marriage/ couples ministry, helping organise meetings, interceding for marriages and getting involved in marriage ministrations at couples retreats, banquets and seminars.

This had a tremendous impact in grounding us, being close to our Pastors and the ministry. Many have realised to the detriment of their unions that without proper guidance, they risk conflict, crisis and ultimately separation.

1 Corinthians 3:12-14 states: “But if anyone builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straws, Each one’s work will be clearly shown (For what it is), for the day of (judgement) will disclose it, because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire will test each person’s work”. If any person’s work which he has built (on this foundation, that is, any outcome of his effort) 14

We Still Do! remains (and survives this test), he will receive a reward”.

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Chapter Four A Help Meet For Him… “Now the Lord God said, ‘it is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make a helper (one who balances him - a counterpart who is) suitable and complimentary for him” (Genesis 2:18) Here we see God reaching out to help man achieve his purpose in the creation story. This is fundamental to every man who calls himself a believer, you must see and appreciate the ‘Help’ God has graciously made for you.

Other so-called believers have actually argued that the scripture quoted above subjugated the woman to a domestic helper, one that is only good for cleaning the home, cooking meals, and raising and caring for the children.

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We Still Do! Some men even feel threatened by the success of their wives, to which I ask, if the woman God has given me as a helper could achieve so much in the secular, why then would I think she is not good for anything more than cleaning or cooking at home?

Until men learn to value and appreciate this gift from God called woman, the ability to attain and fulfil our purpose in God’s grand plan will continue to be elusive.

Let us examine this scripture closer, line by line. It states, ‘Now’, surely this is time related. This can only mean now, as in when you get the revelation. As you embark on your search for a wife, you need to realise that God has made a ‘helper’ for you.

The verse continues, The Lord God said, “it is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone”. Perhaps you have not realised it, if you are not married, you are alone. He who created you alone, says you are alone.

You may point to your siblings, friends or even colleagues as people around you, but the truth remains that you are alone.

Your siblings and friends or colleagues are not part of your story, they all have their own storied lives to live. The word beneficial comes to mind, how can these be beneficial to your cause?

God says “I will make him a helper”. Why does man need a helper and to what end? The answers to these questions stem from an understanding of God’s purpose in creating you.

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We Still Do! Genesis 1:27 states: “And God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply and fill the Earth, subjugate it ....”

This is the first commission to man, to be fruitful and multiply. As a man, it is impossible to achieve this without the ‘help’ of a woman. God sees man’s shortcomings in achieving His objective to fill the earth, hence He says, “I will make him (man) a helper”, not helpers. “(One who balances him, a counterpart who is) suitable and complimentary for him” The first time I heard the word balance was at a motor garage. I was told it involves wheel alignment, to make sure that the wheels on a vehicle were moving in unison, at the same pace and level, that this makes for a more pleasurable ride.

This explains why the search for a wife must be thorough. You cannot and should not just make do with any helper, but the ‘one’ God has made for you - the one who balances you.

And there I was, because I have two legs of the same length, two arms of the same length and weight, and all my body parts complete and functioning correctly, I assumed I was balanced. When I walk, I do not feel I am lopsided, but yet God who created me says I need ‘balancing’.

The dictionary definition of the word ‘counterpart’ is a person or thing closely resembling another, especially in function. This goes to the heart of the matter. Your wife, the helper God has made for you, is actually a 18

We Still Do! person closely resembling you. How else is she to be suitable and complimentary for you?

Proverbs 31:14-16 states: “She is like a merchant ship (abounding with treasure). She brings her (household’s) food from far away. She rises also while it is still night and gives food to her household and assigns tasks to her maids. She considers a field before she buys or accepts it (expanding her business prudently.

With her profits, she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard”.

This sounds so much like my Valerie, able to multi-task a myriad of things on the go, that I often wonder how she does it.

But I need not have wondered because God has divinely equipped her with these abilities, and she is only doing what comes to her naturally.

When we first started courting, I remember Valerie took a modest amount of money from me to start a clothing business. I used to doubt that her homemade, locally sewn designs would sell. But sell they always did!

Her purpose in starting to trade was not selfish, she did not need the money because she had a wealthy father who doted on her as his first daughter. I got to understand that she was showing that she had a stake in our life together.

Some men would feel threatened by a strong woman, a goal getter, and an achiever. I have never felt threatened in any way, for only one simple 19

We Still Do! reason, “my wife fears God, and knows what His Word says about her place”. Proverbs 31:23 states: “Her husband is known in the (city’s) gates when he sits among the elders of the land”.

You see that all the woman does is really not for herself, but for her husband who is known in the gates. What is he known for? Why does he have to be known?

The simple answer is that the husband is known because of his wife’s entrepreneurial accomplishments. The elders of the land accord her husband recognition because of his wife.

Simply put, “if he can have a woman like this at home, he must have something of worth to contribute to the council of elders”. Wow!! .

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Chapter Five The Man, The Head Of His Wife…

The issue of headship is one that evokes difficult and often times challenging situations for lots of couples, even though this should not be so. Every practicing Christian should know this truth as contained in the Word of God. The ‘Head’ is simply defined as the upper part of the human body, joined to the trunk by the neck. It contains the brains, eyes, ears, nose and mouth.

The head is also defined as the position of leadership, greatest authority, or honour.

In marriage, ‘The Head” refers to authority. With this in mind, the context theme here is that the man is the authority over his wife. By our foremost definition of the head, we see that the physical head contains the brains, eyes, ears, nose and mouth; all very important/ vital for the survival and 21

We Still Do! well being of the body, but by no means the most important. For instance, reasoning is done by the brain, the eyes see and advise on options, the ears hear to determine pleasing or desirable sounds from threats etc.

In the same way also, a man is expected to act like the head containing the brains, eyes to see and ears to hear and guide his wife away from danger and death, toward God and life.

It is quite simplistic to view this issue of headship as just about bossing the woman, as the matter is rather serious with far-reaching ramifications.

The question of authority is one that God has freely bestowed on the man as has been noted from the very beginning of time.

Genesis 2:21-22 states: “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and while he slept, He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. And the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man He made (fashioned, formed) into woman, and He brought her and presented her to the man” By this we can deduce that man was already in existence but was unable to achieve his purpose; hence the sequence of events we just read about.

1 Corinthians chapter 11, verses 3, 4, 5 &10: “But I want you to know and realize that Christ is the Head of every man, the head of a woman is her husband, and the Head of Christ is God. Any man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonours his Head (Christ). And any woman who publicly prays or prophesies when she is bareheaded dishonours her head (her husband); it is the same as if her 22

We Still Do! head were shaved. Therefore she should (be subject to his authority and should) have a covering on her head (as a token, a symbol, of her submission to authority)], that she may show reverence as do the angels and not displease them”.

It is true that God created the man first, and then the woman. This was the order of God’s creation of humankind. Male and female, the bible says, He created them.

The scripture above however clearly tells us that the head of a woman is her husband. It is also pertinent to note that the man is head only of his own wife, not of every woman. God established this order as a covering for the wife in a marital relationship.

Note that scripture also says that Christ is the Head of the man. So a wife submits unto her husband as unto the Lord. Therefore, both the husband and wife are submitted ultimately to the Lord in their marital relationship.

Every man who prays or prophesies with something on his head dishonours his head (and the one who is his head). And every woman who prays or prophesies when she has her head uncovered disgraces her head; for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved (in disgrace). Here again, we see the need for each of us to stay under the authority that has been instituted or established by God. Romans 13:1 states: “Everyone must submit themselves to the governing authority, for every authority comes from God”).

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We Still Do! As a man, you may want to ‘lord it’ over your wife, to treat her disrespectfully or treacherously, but this scripture reminds us men that we also have a head to whom we are accountable.

Ephesians 5:22-24 states: “Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Saviour of [His] body.

As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands”.

This is quite profound as it leaves no ambiguity as regards when or where the woman should be submitted to her husband. I have heard Christians say that there are times when the woman is allowed to rebel against her husband, such as if he should stop her from fellowshipping.

This scripture shows how God instituted the marital relationship to replicate the relationship He has with His church. As the church is to be completely subject to Christ, so must the wife be subject to her husband, her head, in everything. 1 Corinthians 14:33 states that “God is not the author of confusion” Dear Wives, you have a responsibility to respect your head regardless of your perceived wrong. It is possible that you do not think much of your husband, it is still incumbent on you to respect and honour him.

There is the story of David and Abigail, wife of Nabal to always refer to in 1 Samuel 25. She used her God-given wisdom to protect and deliver her husband and family from destruction by David even when the 24

We Still Do! husband had acted in foolishness. The act brought her favour with David when her husband eventually died. David remembered her kindness and wisdom and took her to be his wife.

Scripture admonishes wives to obey and submit to their husbands as unto the Lord. The key to this is accepting the authority that God has given your husband over you, do not see the man and his supposed weaknesses, see God who is able to reward your obedience.

1 Corinthians 11:8-9 states: “For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man. For indeed man was not created for the sake of woman, but woman for the sake of man.”

This scripture reaffirms what has been stated at the first in Genesis 2:2122, that man was not created for woman, but rather, that woman was created to help man achieve his purpose. This ought to allay any and every argument regarding authority in the house. A woman will not and cannot be praised for standing up to her husband. That is the way of the world and not in line with God’s word.

Scripture tells us that our God God has the power to change situations in story after story in the Bible. If your situation is such that is oppressive, pray to God, the One who answers prayers. He will turn your mourning into dancing, and your sorrows into joy.

1 Peter 3:1-2 also states: “In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own 25

We Still Do! husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence for your husband”.

There is great power in submission that many women are yet to understand. A submitted and godly wife brings her unbelieving and disobedient husband to surrender his life to God! Many women struggle with being subordinate to their own husbands and to be dependent on him, but they find it easy to submit to their bosses at work, their pastors, male colleagues or business partners. Why is this so?

The reason is because women do not fully understand the blessings and joy that could be theirs if they obey this commandment of the Lord. The devil cheats them into believing that it is a weak thing to submit to their spouse. Apostle Paul does refer to the woman as the weaker vessel but that reference was meant to admonish and instruct husbands on the benefits of treating their wives with honour! 1 Peter 3:7 states: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered”.

Paul referred to the woman as the weaker vessel to portray how delicate and honourable the woman is in the sight of God! A man who dishonours his wife uses his owns hands to destroy his destiny, and according to scripture, his prayers to God will be hindered.

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We Still Do! In the same way, a woman who fails to submit to the authority God has established in the marital relationship dishonours God! I thank God for the revelation He gives to all those who will draw nigh to learn of His ways. He gives us the grace and wisdom for our unique marital journeys. Through His word, God teaches me how to love and reverence Charles daily, as a symbol of my honour and love for the Lord Himself, My King, and The Lover of my Soul.

I truly honour and reverence my husband Charles unconditionally and unreservedly, with all of my heart, because I know deep within me that God commands this of me and I have come to joyfully accept that there is no option for me in this matter. This has helped me overlook wrongs and offences easily in my marriage as I know these are all attacks of the enemy to stir me away from obeying God’s word in my marriage.

Ephesians 5:33 states: “However, each man among you (without exception) is to love his wife as his very own self (with behaviour worthy of respect and esteem, always seeking the best for her with an attitude of loving-kindness), and the wife (must see to it) that she respects and delights in her husband (that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honouring him, and holding him dear)”.

I am to feel for Charles all that reverence entails which includes: to respect, defer to, revere him - to honour, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy my husband, Charles.

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We Still Do! I must say that over the last 25 years of our marriage, I have truly enjoyed this gift and privilege from God - to adore, prefer and enjoy my husband.

He is my only portion of vanity in this life and I honestly do not seek another. I am content in my husband, Charles, and I celebrate him as my head!

Charles has, in obedience to God’s command, loved me as his own flesh and continues to do so daily, by the grace of God. He is ever seeking the best for me with an attitude of loving-kindness and selflessness. He truly understands his role as my head as what he does, he knows is done unto the Lord with fervent reverence.

By God’s grace alone, I make efforts to respect and honour my husband as God commands me to! I am honestly not perfect but I fully understand and try to obey this biblical commandment!

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Chapter Six Becoming One Flesh…

The bible states in Malachi 2:14-16: “Yet you ask, why does He reject it? Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows]”.

And did not God make you and your wife one flesh? Did not One make you and preserve your spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one flesh? Because He sought a godly offspring from your union! Therefore take heed to yourselves, and let no one deal treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth.

For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital

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We Still Do! separation and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence.

Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate].

You can be one flesh with your spouse by first believing that this is a commandment from God. And if you truly fear God with all of your heart, you will always seek to do His will and commands.

To be one flesh with your spouse is to become one in all aspects of your life be it emotionally, financially, spiritually, intellectually and in every other way. The word “my” ceases to exist for you and is sweetly replaced with “our”, that is, you sincerely and easily refer to things as our business, our money, our ministry, even where only one party is in the frontline.

In your words, thoughts and deeds, you truly regard your wife as yourself.

Suspicion is eliminated and it would therefore not be possible to be offended by her because the bible says that no man “hated himself”!

We really do believe that most married couples do not fully understand the plan of God when He instituted the ministry of marriage.

The relationship between a husband and wife is likened to the relationship between Christ and the church. In addition, the bible says that Christ so loved the world and the church that He gave His life for it!

To what on this earth can we dare to compare or attempt to explain the intimacy and oneness God expects in a marital union? You cannot!

It cannot be described, neither can it be measured by any standards.

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We Still Do! Oneness in marriage is divine. Even those that enjoy it cannot explain it to others because it is a spiritual experience. The Bible calls it “a mystery”.

You must come to the point of total surrender of all that you are and walk in the knowledge that you are now a human being operating in two parts, i.e. as yourself and as your wife! Whatever hurts you hurts her, whatever brings you joy brings her equal measures of joy as well.

Your aspirations are her aspirations and your desired level of intimacy with her equates to her desired level of intimacy with you. No more two, but one, the Bible says, in ALL things.

The wife and her husband were both naked before each other and there was not even an iota of shame between them. Can you even imagine it?

So what the world thinks it is enjoying as marriage is a distant cry from God’s original intention for his children. However, it is ours to take, to experiment and to judge for ourselves whether this level of relationship between a man and his wife is possible.

The key is not to live your lives as though controlled by the things of this life. If we constantly remember that life in itself is vanity and that it will one day fade away and that when it does, we shall take nothing with us, then maybe we will begin to desire the fruits of God’s righteous living, which are unto eternal life.

Oneness in marriage is a spiritual level of intimacy that God seeks from his children. Anything short of oneness in marriage is carnality and therefore sin before the Almighty God. 31

We Still Do! Oneness in marriage was instituted by God to generate godly offspring, which will replenish the earth with God’s righteousness.

Our sincere prayer for you is that the eyes of your understanding will be enlightened and that you will henceforth seek to be “one flesh” with your spouse.

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We Still Do!

Chapter Seven The Power Of Agreement…

The power of agreement is very crucial to the success of any marriage. It takes the ability of a man and woman coming together to make a binding decision. The book of Amos 3:3 says: “Can two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”

In the real sense, it is impossible except through unity of spirit, purpose and plans, to walk together. The same can be said of marriage. For a husband and wife to walk their marital journey successfully, they must learn to agree on issues that life may bring them, facing challenges and triumphing together.

Jesus says in Matthew 18:19: 33

We Still Do! “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven”.

We often take the power of agreement for granted or overlook it altogether, don’t we? The enemy knows exactly what he is doing when he sets out to cause division and strife. He is there to stop agreement.

Why? Because there is great power in it. In fact, God commands a blessing when there is unity.

Psalm 133:1-3 tells us that where brethren dwell together in unity – God commands the blessing, even life evermore. That is powerful, isn’t it? If there is no unity, there is no commanded blessing!

When God’s people were going to build a tower to heaven, the bible says that God came down and saw what they were doing and He said this in Genesis 11:6: “Indeed the people are one and they all have one language, and this is what they have begun to do; now nothing that they propose to do will be withheld from them”.

God Himself said that because these people were as one, had one language, all saying the same thing, that nothing they proposed to do would be withheld from them. Can you imagine that?

You can come to a place where nothing can be withheld from you. Do you desire to live in this realm? You can! All you have to do is walk in unity and agreement.

Now we know what you are thinking – it is not as easy as that. We know 34

We Still Do! it is extremely difficult to get in agreement with anyone. But you can be in total agreement with your spouse.

To be in total agreement means you are asking the same thing – building the same thing with your thoughts and words – saying the same thing – all the time.

The bible says in Deuteronomy 32:30 that “One puts a thousand to flight and two puts ten thousand to flight”. Think about that. Do the maths yourself. Wouldn’t it make more sense if it said, one will put a thousand to flight and two will put two thousand to flight?

Without the power of agreement, it would say exactly that. In God’s way of doing things, when agreement comes into play, multiplication comes into play. Agreement increases power.

How often do you agree on something with your spouse? Could you honestly say that you tend to agree more now than you did in the past or is it the other way around?

If and when you disagree on something, how do you resolve the disagreement? Did you know that when your spouse disagrees with you it does not necessarily mean that he/she does not love you?

The first thing to do in order to start improving your marriage relationship is to begin acknowledging what your spouse says - whether you agree with it or not. Be attentive and acknowledge what your spouse says. But note that acknowledgement is not agreement, but rather a step in the right direction.

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We Still Do! When your spouse says something you agree with, nod and say something like “yes, that is true”. When your spouse says something you disagree with, you can acknowledge and then say something like “That’s interesting (honey), I didn’t think you saw it that way. My perspective is however somehow different … Have you thought what would happen if...etc etc etc?”.

That way you may even change your spouse’s point of view! Two cannot walk together unless they are in agreement”. Marriage relationships are no different.

When your spouse says something you disagree with, you may seek clarification. He or she may think about it and restate their position in a slightly different way, which may be more acceptable to you. They may even tell you “on second thought, I think this other way would be better”.

However, if you instead cut them short and oppose their opinion, they are most likely going to defend that opinion whether it makes sense or not because you have attacked their ego. When people are hurt (when their ego is attacked), they can make ludicrous claims; they can say things that do not make sense at all and they may even resort to verbal abuse or physical abuse.

Learn to emphasise facts and not opinions. Discuss the issues and not personalities. If you have to express an opinion, express it in a way that allows your spouse to express a different opinion if they have one. For example, start by saying “in my opinion” or “I tend to think that”. If you agree with your spouse on something, then nod as your spouse is talking.

Your expression is often more important than what you say.

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We Still Do! Communication comprises your words, the tone of your voice and your physical expressions. The tone of your voice and your expressions convey the bulk of your communication.

If your spouse asks you to restate what you said, do not ask them whether they are deaf or why they were not attentive. Sometimes it may be because you said something beautiful or clever.

Amplify your agreements and minimize your disagreements and you will improve your marriage relationship. If your spouse believes you respect their opinion, they are more likely to respect yours, you will be more objective in your communication, and your marriage relationship will improve considerably.

Okay, so now we understand that agreement yields great power. On the other hand, it would appear that the opposite would stop the power of God from working.

The bible says that a house divided cannot stand. If you are in a place of division and strife – your house will surely fall - that’s what the bible says. You can come into agreement. It does not mean that you see absolutely everything exactly the same way.

Refuse division! If you see it coming, stop it in its tracks. Ask God to bring unity into your marriage. Cry out for unity and be willing to make any changes necessary to obtain unity in your home.

After all, when you dwell in unity, God commands the blessing upon your lives and your home. You will be truly blessed, favoured and will greatly enjoy your marital relationship.

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Chapter Eight Overcoming Marital Challenges…

Every marriage faces challenges daily. Such challenges can stem from disagreements over small things, differing pursuits and ambitions, external influences in the marriage caused by the couple’s failure to establish necessary boundaries in the marriage, and selfishness.

Marital challenges never give the couple advance warning. They rear their heads unexpectedly in a marriage. A couple must remain sensitive and never take things and situations for granted. Apostle Paul admonishes in 2 Corinthians 2:10-11: “To whom ye forgive anything, I forgive also; for if I forgave anything, to whom I forgave it, for your sakes forgave I it in the person of Christ; Lest satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices”.

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We Still Do! We must not be ignorant of the devices of satan to steal, kill and destroy our marital joy. Jesus warns us in John 10:10: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”.

We can only overcome the enemy and thief by staying rooted in Christ!

Revelations 12:10-12 assures us of the victory we have through the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ and by our testimony of Him and His word.

“Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: “Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down. They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death”.

We have learnt over the last 25 years to take our challenges to God in prayer. Indeed, we have had loads of disagreements and made wrong decisions especially where we wanted to have our own way due to what we deemed to be the urgency of the situation. In those situations where we failed to work in agreement and to wait on God for a confirmation of His Word, we have suffered losses and harboured regrets of those decisions.

But realising the error of our ways, confessing our sins to one another and repenting before God with all humility and sincerity has brought us healing and restoration in a way only God can bring. The following scriptures assure us of God’s compassionate love to forgive our sins and 39

We Still Do! deliver us from our wrongdoings.

“If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just [true to His own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose]”.

James 5:16 “If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just [true to His own nature and promises], and will forgive our sins and cleanse us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose].

1 John 1:9 Transparency and communication are also critical to resolving issues promptly and not allowing them to fester. The following scriptures continually help us to not dwell on offences or wrongdoings.

“If I regard sin and baseness in my heart [that is, if I know it is there and do nothing about it], The Lord will not hear [me]” Psalm 66:18 “

Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behaviour], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down”.

Ephesians 4:26 “Be devoted to one another with [authentic] brotherly affection [as members of one family], give preference to one another in honour”.

Romans 12:10 40

We Still Do! Preferring Charles and esteeming him more highly has helped me learn to be devoted to him in true love.

There are also other types of challenges that we have had to face, which would not have originated from our wrongdoings. These relate to trials we face in accomplishing tasks, pursuing our ambitions or careers, dealing with peer pressures our children face as they grow up or outright persecution for striving to live a life of righteousness and obedience to God’s Word.

We remind ourselves that in whatever circumstance that we find ourselves as a family, we stick together and we fight together - in prayer and in positive confessions of God’s word over these circumstances.

As a family, we have established a Family Altar, a dedicated place (our dining table) where we gather daily as a family at 6 in the morning (except for Saturdays and during some family holidays when we gather at 8 am daily) to study the Word of God. We believe that the words we read daily from the Holy Bible are words directly spoken to us by the Lord Himself for that day. This belief is based on the Words of Our Lord Jesus in John 6:63-64: “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh conveys no benefit [it is of no account]. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and life [providing eternal life]. But [still] there are some of you who do not believe and have faith”.

We have faith and we believe the Word of God to be words of life for our family to thrive, be fruitful, and to enjoy the peace of God in our home.

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We Still Do! Simon Peter, a disciple of our Lord Jesus, knew this truth.

Psalm 6:66-69 tells us: “As a result of this, many of His disciples abandoned Him, and no longer walked with Him. So Jesus said to the twelve [disciples], “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Simon Peter answered, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You [alone] have the words of eternal life [you are our only hope].

We have believed and confidently trusted, and [even more] we have come to know [by personal observation and experience] that You are the Holy One of God [the Christ, the Son of the living God].”

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Chapter Nine Living Joyfully Together…

Marriage is companionship. There should be a rich friendship between the couple. The minds of the couple should be united in that they have common goals and dreams.

They should have similar interests in that they talk about all the experiences of their day and find satisfaction in listening to each other.

Many couples do not know how to enjoy themselves. They live for others rather than for themselves. They tend to have much more fun in the company of others than when they are alone.

For some, there is no hunger whatsoever to spend time alone except for sexual gratifications. And even that is borne out of obligation rather than genuine affection.

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We Still Do! Time spent together by the couple is fraught with tension, disagreements and criticisms. Some are intolerant of each other’s shortcomings and never celebrate the strengths of their spouse.

The truth of the matter is that this is contrary to God’s plan for our marriages. His commands are clear in the book of Ecclesiastes 9:9: “Live joyfully with the wife you love all the days of your vain life, which he has given you under the sun. For that is your portion in this life and in your work at which you toil under the sun”.

Couples must desire to be in each other’s company and always look forward to sharing these moments. Whilst we know that there would be times when you could disagree over issues affecting your family, your views and actions must not be selfish.

Where your actions are selfless, you are more likely to come to a compromise in the short run. Taking time out often to assess the strength of your relationship will cause you to appreciate and desire your spouse more.

Spending time with your spouse is totally different from spending time as a family i.e. with the children as well. This is time when you can express yourselves in an honest and most affectionate way.

For example, telling your spouse what makes you feel good, what frustrates you, what would make you happier; a time when you can reaffirm your commitment to each other and discuss those seemingly minute details that could make all the difference in a relationship.

Communication is key in a marital relationship and where this breaks 44

We Still Do! down, your marriage will be threatened. You have a God-given right to enjoy each other and you would wonder what on earth hinders you from doing just that! You belong to each other and should always endeavour to give yourself without any reservations.

Where you are suspicious of each other’s motives in marriage and have any reason to hold back, in our opinion, there are undoubtedly serious issues that require urgent attention.

The root causes of these reservations must be identified and addressed fully. It is only when you are completely honest with each other that you can love unconditionally and unreservedly.

Here are some questions that you can ask yourself to assess where your marriage stands: 

When was the last time I appreciated my spouse for choosing to share life me?



When was the last time I celebrated the strengths of my spouse rather than nag about those shortcomings?



When was the last time I sincerely apologised to my spouse for mistakes I was wholly responsible for but yet too ashamed to admit?

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When did I last enjoy doing things around the house with my spouse? Sharing jokes, kisses and hugs as we both do the chores.



When did I last appreciate my spouse before a watching audience?

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We Still Do! 

When was the last time I said to my spouse: “Sweetheart, I believe in our marriage” and will do all humanly possible to nourish and keep it?



When was the last time I surprised my spouse with a short weekend break just for the two of us?



When did I last thank God prayerfully for my spouse and the love that we have for each other? Did I ask God to increase the love in my heart for my spouse, to teach me how to love more and be the perfect spouse? Or did my prayer focus on asking God to change my spouse?

So many talk about not being “that type of person” who is outwardly expressive. “I feel it but do not necessarily have to say it” syndrome would most definitely not work in a marriage. It may not come naturally to you but you can learn to say and show it.

Find out what gives your spouse pleasure and make an effort to do it. You may not be perfect at it but at least you are trying and will get better over time.

Some may be affected by what they saw their parents do or what they see their friends do. Most of my friends do not do this, why should I, they say?

Couples must be friends, to say the least. This is a lifetime commitment and friendship where you must not be afraid to share your fears, and not ashamed to show your weakness, for therein can you truly be naked before each other and grow to become better lovers. Gen 2:25 tells us: 46

We Still Do! “Now the man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame”.

You must be able to share jokes, enjoy a laugh, share memories, play together and dream together.

When you spend much time with your spouse, you will learn to understand the expectations of each other. You would know how he or she would expect you to react, say or do in certain situations, whether it is in your presence or your absence.

And oh what joy wells up within you, when you come home to find that your spouse did not fall short of your expectations. It draws you closer to each other, increases the trust you have in each other and causes you to let go easily even if there is a good reason not to.

Living joyfully together means being joyful over each other, making a conscious determination to love your spouse more each day and being selfless in your relationship with each other.

There is no joy where you secretly regret the decision to get married to your spouse or wishing you had preferred some other person, or often times, attempting to change your spouse to resemble the perfect image you carry in your mind.

Most couples look for happiness in marriage rather than joy. Is there a difference between happiness and joy, you may ask? These are both positive and desirable feelings, but it could be said, who cares?

If you are feeling good, you are feeling good. There is a subtle but important distinction between the two, which can lead to a person being 47

We Still Do! able to consciously make himself or herself feel better.

Joy is a continuous state of happiness, a continuing state of positive emotion. Happiness is a fleeting thing, brought about by the observation of something pleasing. It is far better to seek "joy."

Joy is related to happiness, but it is a deeper experience. In the search for happiness, the individual focuses upon himself, but joy moves a person out of a self-centred preoccupation and provides an orientation towards others.

Apostle Paul in the Holy Scriptures calls joy one of the fruits of the Spirit because we cannot have joy until we have begun to develop a spiritual life. We can have happiness without spiritual development, as long as the conditions in our lives are favourable, but we cannot have joy.

Joy comes from a complete trust in the love of God and a deep desire for the will of God to be done in your life, no matter what the cost might be.

When it finally becomes more important to be an instrument of God's peace than it is to be comfortable and have what we want for ourselves, we are on the threshold of joy.

Joy is the attitude that is willing to suffer death, even death on a cross, if God deems it necessary. Jesus was not happy on the cross, but I believe He had joy because He knew He was doing the work of God and that God would use that work to save the world.

Joy is the knowledge that everything I do has a purpose and will be a part of God’s divine plan. That means we would not really know joy until we learn to want God's will more than our own. And we do not come to want 48

We Still Do! that until we have learned to know and love God. Joy waits for us a good way down the spiritual path. In other words, only a personal relationship with God can guarantee joy in your marriage. In God’s presence, he teaches us to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

The decision of a man to leave his parents, according to biblical standards, and cleave unto his wife is one that should not be taken lightly. Especially when considered against the backdrop that there was no pressure put on him to leave his parents house in the first place.

Hence, the choice of who he decides to spend the rest of his life with must be one he should not rush into and must not be influenced by selfish motives or external pressures from parents, friends or circumstance.

The Bible states that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord. Marriage, as ordained by God, must be built on Godly principles only. But unfortunately, the world has tried to adulterate this holy institution with its poison.

For the man after God’s heart, living joyfully is the end to which a man labours and applies his means. It is therefore imperative that he should believe with his heart that his choice of a partner is a good one, the best he can possibly make, and be satisfied with her, not desiring her for a season and then casting her off for a younger, more educated, more attractive or even more successful model.

Such is the depth to which the world has debased this institution of chastity that there are occurrences of divorces; with couples openly 49

We Still Do! stating that they can no longer live with each other.

The pressures of today’s world are also a contributing factor. These are trying times for most marriages as the family purse shrinks while expenses grow. Nerves fray, tempers heighten, people become irritated and irrational. The blame game commences in a once happy household, comparisons are made with other families and voices are raised where calm once reigned.

The key to maintaining a joyful life is simply contentment. We have learnt this truth and are joyfully living it. We are truly content with each other and have established solid boundaries which, by the grace of God, keep at bay any influences of third parties.

I know it is too simple to say one needs to be content in order to experience joyful living, but consider the basics and you will agree that contentment provides the basis for building a joyful union. In the first instance, a man needs to be content with the wife he has chosen. He must pray for self-control and work towards appreciating his spouse.

The bible states that God has made the woman to be a help-meet and suitable for the man. You must believe that your wife is that helper that is best suited to you, to compliment you in every area where you are deficient.

Again, the issue of contentment can be applied to your current situation, be it financial or social. Your blessings are tied to your spouse’s blessings and as soon as you start believing it, you will begin to see a manifestation in your fortunes.

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We Still Do! The Bible states in Proverbs 31:23 that the husband is honoured at the city gates when he sits amongst the elders because of the virtue of his spouse. There is a powerful deposit from this scripture.

Humble yourself and ask God to grant you divine understanding so that you can tap into and begin to enjoy all the blessings contained within this scripture.

Money matters have been and continue to be an issue in many a home.

Situations differ from home to home but the basic problem is the same.

The bible states in 1 Timothy 5:8 that a man must provide for his family and where he is failing in this duty, he is considered worse than an infidel.

It had therefore become the acceptable norm for a man to earn more than his wife.

In the modern world, however, women have a great potential to excel in their profession and have greatly bridged the gap in earnings especially where they have invested immensely in their careers.

Husbands tend to feel threatened by this trend and instead of appreciating God’s blessing upon your home, you become envious and belittle your wife at every given opportunity because you feel your position as the head of the family may be usurped by her financial muscle.

You need to move away from this position and begin to enjoy your Godgiven blessing. A woman who fears the Lord will be praised, the bible says. And such a woman cannot but know that all these promotions that are bestowed on her are to help support, prop up and help her husband according to God’s original plan.

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We Still Do! We assure you that once you change your perception and notion of this common problem, you will begin to experience joyful living in your marriage and will no longer see your headship under threat!

Honouring your Spouse and your Commitment to Each Other *** From the beginning of time, God ordained marriage to be an honourable institution. Paul writes in the Hebrews 13:4: “Let marriage be held in honour, esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear in all things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled i.e. kept un-dishonoured; for God will judge and punish the unchaste and the adulterous”.

Also, Ephesians 5:33: “However, let each man of you without exception love his wife as his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband; that she notices him, regards him, honours him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly”.

The Cambridge Advanced Learners Dictionary defines honour this way: “To show great respect for someone or something, especially in public; to do what you said you would”!

In other words, you must respect your marital vows and strive to do what you said you would. They are not mere words but a promise made before God and man. And so it is totally unacceptable to God that you take those vows lightly and that you find yourself breaking them willingly.

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We Still Do! In our society today, you find most couples being too ashamed to talk about their spouse in public. Even introducing them to friends or work colleagues can be an uphill task for some. What are you ashamed of?

If you loved each other so much that you agreed to spend the rest of your lives together, then what is the issue? Has time eroded the once hot and burning passion that got you running to the altar?

The physical structure of a grown person does ’not change much except if left uncared for. Even age has its beauty and therefore does not drastically change the looks of a person. So why did you not address those things that you have now become ashamed of? You had the power to fix it but you chose not to. Now the consequences displease you and you do not think you should be blamed for it?

The Bible guides us on how we are to love each other. A new commandment I give unto you, it says in John 13:34: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another”.

1 Corinthians 13 teaches us about God’s standards of love.

Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never fails, for love is of God. And now, there abides three things: faith, hope and love but love is the greatest of them all.

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We Still Do! If you love your spouse, you will be loyal to him or her no matter what the cost. You will always believe in your spouse, always expect the best of your spouse and always stand your ground in defending your spouse.

Also, when taking our marital vows, we promise to love and cherish, to honour and sustain each other, in sickness and in health, in poverty as in wealth, in the bad that may darken our days, in the good that may lighten our ways, and to be true to one another in all things until death alone do us part.

So again, we ask, how do we then often find ourselves in situations where we do the complete opposite to what we vowed? Perhaps we do not fully realise the implications and strength of the commitment we make when we marry. Therefore, we disregard our vows at the drop of a hat and disrespect the union that God himself calls “holy”. It ought not so to be, friends.

How much honour would you admit to giving your spouse in the presence of your external family members, your parents, your brothers, sisters, and other relatives?

Or are you one who thinks that your family comes before your spouse in the scheme of things?

Do you find it easy to belittle your spouse so as to prove a point or impress those watching?

How often do you stand up for your spouse before others even though you know your spouse was wrong in the way they acted?

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We Still Do! Do you sometimes think, “I need to ensure we know who is in control here” and therefore act dishonourably towards your spouse?

From the Holy Scriptures, this truth has been told, that from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female. Genesis 2:18 states: “And the Lord God said, "It isn't good for man to be alone; I will make a companion for him, a helper suitable to his needs. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife in such a way that the two become one flesh”.

Couples belong to each other and therefore must not let external influences come between them. By external, we mean any human being other than the couple themselves. God is the only third party in a marriage because He is the one who sanctifies our marriages, having instituted it to fulfil His purpose for humankind.

The Bible records that the LORD is the true witness between the man and the wife of his youth. Marriage is a covenant made by two people in love with each other in the presence of God, their creator.

Therefore, when God blesses a union and acknowledges the covenant that man and woman make to each other, it is dangerous for any man to seek to destroy that covenant except by mutual agreement between the parties to the covenant.

You must beware of any interference in your marriage that could seem to drive you apart from your spouse. Any living creature that encourages you to continually dishonour your wife has an evil motive and you must act quickly and wisely against such people and flee their company no 55

We Still Do! matter how close you deem them to be.

If you make it a habit to praise your spouse at every given opportunity, you will be saved from the devices that the devil uses to attack couples.

You must do exactly what you promised from the beginning. God expects this of you and to do contrary to His commandments would mean driving a wedge between you and your spouse, thereby, inviting the exact opposite of God’s promised favour.

God honours marriages and commands your bed to remain undefiled. In other words, you must not share a bed with or nurture an intimate thought about another woman for as long as you are in a marital covenant with your spouse. For if you do, you have dishonoured your spouse and God. God will judge and punish all those guilty of sexual vice as well as the adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 states: “Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous”.

If you lack self-control, then come to God in prayer and ask him to grant it to you. Self-Control is also a fruit of His Spirit, which He freely gives to all who come to Him. For as long as you are not covered by God’s grace and mercy, you remain exposed to the temptations of the eyes and the flesh, which the devil brings the way of every human being.

Husbands, the Bible commands you in Ephesians 5, verses 25, 28 & 33:

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We Still Do! “ love your wife, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it. So ought all men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife, loves himself. So again I say, a man must love his wife as a part of himself; and the wife must see to it that she deeply respects her husband, reverencing, praising and honouring him”.

Honour is a vital ingredient in any meaningful relationship. Any man who claims to love his wife must honour her. He must not wilfully do things that will upset her, nor should he deliberately seek to suppress and oppress her. He must treat her with dignity just as he would himself.

Here is a poser for you – Would you like to be treated shabbily or dishonoured by someone who claims to love you and holds all your secrets? We definitely know we would not!

It is surprising that husbands who have taken the vow to love and to hold, end up hating and letting go. You remember that those were the same lines that she replied, “I do” to.

The fact that her lines were no different from yours only affirms the obvious – you are both equal parties in this union, but you have the headship simply because God made it to be so.

Dear Husbands, understanding your God-given authority and duty in your marital relationship will help you treat your wife better, protecting her from any danger including that which you pose when blinded with rage.

The Bible calls the woman “the weaker vessel” in 1 Peter 3:7 and it is a known fact that males are often times physically stronger than females 57

We Still Do! except in very rare situations.

Everyone has an ego. It is the ability to manage one’s ego that distinguishes a person. A public rebuke will often time result in resentment, which varies in degree depending on the level of shame, which arises from the size of one’s ego.

As a couple, your ability to deal with issues is developed over time spent together. You must not always agree on all issues but the ability to hear each other out and reason together makes a lot of difference to your relationship.

The Bible admonishes us in James 1:19 to be quick to listen but slow to speak and slow to become angry. God the creator made us humans with one mouth, two ears, two eyes; this, in my opinion, must mean something.

Remember that during the course of a marriage ceremony, the minister invites the groom to kiss his bride, but the groom cannot achieve this without unveiling his bride. At one such wedding we attended, the officiating minister wisely noted that this must be the only public unveiling on the couples’ journey together.

Whatever the pressure, you must resist any attempt to rebuke each other in public, as this may result in lasting damage. Always attempt to compromise where you do not agree and disagree in love. Never be too passionate and proud that you are unable to concede where you have erred.

Finally, the Bible states in the book of Proverbs 26:4:

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We Still Do! “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him”.

But it also goes on to say in verse 5: “Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit”.

There is no contradiction in this set of scriptures as what differentiates them is time.

The Bible states in Ecclesiastes 3:1: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven”.

Allow time to elapse before revisiting an issue that has brought on a heated argument. As you strive to honour each other, our almighty God will help you to preserve your marriage.

As you conduct yourself well, fulfil your obligations to each other, and truly cherish each other as you would yourself, then would your marriage be truly honourable in ALL. Marriage means Sacrifice. *** Sacrifice means giving up something for the benefit of some other person.

The Bible records that Jesus Christ gave himself as a sacrifice for the church “His bride”.

Sacrifice here can be anything from time to money, desirous to self. You must be willing to easily sacrifice anything worthy of value for the 59

We Still Do! advancement of your relationship with your spouse. Sacrifice cannot be selfish and must not be demanded. Where it flows naturally, it will be long-lasting. There is hardly any marriage out there that doesn’t require daily sacrifices to be made by the wife and husband. Sacrifice is core to any kind of relationship, but even most especially in marriage. A marriage where either party is unwilling to make sacrifices for the other party will hit the rocks in no time and that is the truth. For the bible says: Genesis 2:25 states: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”.

In Matthew 19:5, it is written: “And said, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined inseparably to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”.

The whole concept behind two people from very different backgrounds now becoming one flesh will always be a mystery in this life. Imagine having lived your life based on principles founded on your experiences and knowledge imparted to you by your parents, guardians or tutors; and then you are required to occasionally compromise in order to promote unity and peace in your marriage…it is all a mystery and often difficult for most to accept.

Why must I always have to give in to the way he thinks, you often ask yourself?

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We Still Do! What makes her think that she knows much more than I do?

Why can’t my opinions count be respected sometimes?

Why do I have to make all the sacrifices while he just gets on with his life as if he was forbidden to lift his finger to help around the house?

Why must I endure and keep hoping for the best, when I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel? It has been five years yet not a single sign of change in sight!

Some even feel intimidated by the successes of their spouse and therefore refuse to give in to even the little things, as they would not want to be regarded as weaklings.

In marriage, we truly learn how to sacrifice, because it is in marriage that we are forced to sacrifice. God has taken two and made them one, not wanting them to return to being separate.

A couple must learn how to serve one another. This means that a couple should be able to know how to give up one’s comfort for the benefit of their spouse.

There are instances where couples try to find ways to be compatible, but in the process, they become more miserable in the relationship. There comes a point in time that a couple will learn how to live together even when they are not compatible because they have learned how to give one another the joy that each truly desires.

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We Still Do! Irreconcilable differences may be the reason why a relationship can grow weaker. These incompatibilities should be treated as lessons and should teach the two parties to love each other and learn to live joyfully together in spite of their differences. If you honestly believe in your marriage and truly love your spouse, then making any sacrifice should not be burdensome. It may not come naturally to you but sacrifice can be learnt.

Each attempt you make will draw you nearer to enjoying your marriage on earth. The lack of a determination to sacrifice for your spouse will cause your love for each other to be strained.

Love turns to tolerance and when you can take no more, resentment and bitterness sets in, and you find yourself wanting to get out of the marriage.

The marriage covenant you enter into calls you to a level of devotion, sacrifice, love, and self-giving that you have never yet attempted nor experienced.

The scriptures command husbands to love their wives, dwell with their wives in understanding, be long-suffering towards them and to treat them like the weaker vessel.

Husbands have a God-given responsibility to support their wives as they daily try to fulfil their own responsibilities of nurturing and building their homes. On the flip side, the woman was created to support the man in his God-given responsibilities; Genesis 2:18 records this: “Now the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet, suitable, adapted and complementary for him”.

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We Still Do! Wives were created by God to help their husbands and husbands must appreciate this gift from God so as not to short-change themselves of God’s blessings. Proverbs 18:22 also states: “He who finds a [true] wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord”.

Allowing your wife to be part of all you do will surely bring you divine favour, for God has endowed the “true” wife to do you good and not evil as long as there is life within her.

So you see that husbands and wives were created to divinely bless and satisfy one another with all God has put in them. As the husband seeks to satisfy his wife, the wife must do likewise. It is where one party continually gives but is never given back that discontentment sets in and couples draw apart from each other.

Doing things like reciprocating a good gesture, making sacrifices for the other party’s progress, showing some measure of appreciation for your spouse, helping with the responsibilities of family life and housework or even giving up some valuable pursuit for the overall benefit of your home causes your spouse to love and appreciate you more.

In Ephesians 5:21, scripture tells us that we are to submit to one another.

The husband submits to the wife's needs by serving her and loving her, just as much as Jesus did the church. The husband builds her up and by leaving his father and mother in order to live with her, he devotes all his energies to enriching her life.

The wife submits to the husband by allowing him to be the head of the 63

We Still Do! home and following him through life. The wife's role is that of helper.

The relationship cannot have two different goals. It cannot go in two different directions at the same time.

The wife's role is to support the man in his endeavours in life. Her satisfaction will be in serving her husband. This is the way that God created her. We live to serve each other not just expecting to be the one who is served all the time.

It is wise for couples to love and sacrifice for each other unconditionally.

It is where you demand to be rewarded for your sacrifices that you are most likely to be disappointed. Let it come naturally.

If your spouse is not one who understands the principle of sacrifice in marriage, then pray. Prayer, without a doubt, answers all things as long as you pray in faith believing that it will someday happen and whilst waiting for it to happen, you do not now become weary in well doing and making those needful sacrifices for the peace and joy of your home.

There is a God in heaven that sees those sacrifices you make and will surely reward you in a time that is acceptable to Him, according to His perfect will for your life and home. Pray without ceasing as sacrifice is marriage is a divine realm to which every couple must desire to live in.

Nakedness but no Shame in Marriage. *** As referenced earlier on, Genesis 2:25 tells us: “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not embarrassed 64

We Still Do! or ashamed in each other's presence”.

The more open the marriage and the more we allow our spouse to see our imperfections, the more healthy the marriage. No other relationship can provide the utter openness that a marriage does. By its very design, marriage strips away every form of clothing, removes the proverbial fig leaves used by Adam and Eve to cover their nakedness; at its core, marriage means a return to the nakedness that existed between Adam and Eve before they fell.

The nakedness and exposure involved in marriage are far broader than the physical nakedness of the marriage bed. As the two are made one flesh, barriers are withdrawn and eventually removed, masks are torn away, and the two who are made one stand exposed before each other in emotional, psychological, as well as physical nakedness.

But how do we often get it so wrong that couples do not feel naked towards each other and consequently have to deal with great amounts of shame?

The truth of the matter is that you will be exposed to one another in ways that you have never experienced and you will be ashamed. There are few things as damaging to a marriage as shame. Some results of shame are obvious and easy to see: A man abuses his wife because she makes him feel small and stupid. But the more subtle operations of shame are the more common, and in some ways more dangerous.

A wife tells her friends at a dinner party about her husband’s incompetence on the computer. On the drive home, the husband lashes out because of the public humiliation. Stung by her husband’s anger, the 65

We Still Do! wife withdraws, and after the outburst, they do not talk to each other for a week.

After a series of similar episodes, they start sleeping in separate beds.

Exposure begets shame, which begets anger, which begets withdrawal, which begets estrangement.

Or, a husband asks his wife when she is going to go on the diet that she has been promising and the shame of her husband’s comments twists her into depression.

Or, parents contemptuously and publicly ask their son why he cannot do anything right, and by the time he is sixteen he is responding to years of shame with rage and uncontrollable rebellion.

Shame causes a husband and wife to isolate themselves from one another to escape continual humiliation; they lash out verbally, physically, and sexually in vengeance for the shame they have endured.

God graciously promises to help us in Revelations 3:18. He says, “Therefore I counsel you to purchase from Me gold refined and tested by fire, that you may be truly wealthy, and white clothes to clothe you and to keep the shame of your nudity from being seen, and salve to put on your eyes, that you may see”.

God expects a husband and his wife to be naked and exposed before one another but at the same time clothed i.e. in Christ’s righteousness and glory and this clothing is the only solution to shame, and therefore the only basis for a peaceful, vigorous, joyful, fulfilling, and fruitful marriage.

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We Still Do! He has promised to clothe and cover us. One day we will stand before God so naked that either we will want the rocks to fall on us or we will be dressed in His splendour.

Our Lord Jesus gave all to this world yet bore much shame for us. And the Bible records that He endured the cross, despising the shame for the joy that was set before Him… the joy of his resurrection and glory, the joy of union with His bride, even you and I. Marriage is a ministry as scripture likens the marital relationship to the relationship between Christ and His church. In Colossians 4:17, Apostle Paul sends these sacred words to a fellow labourer of Christ in the church at Colossae: “And say to Archippus, See that you discharge carefully the duties of the ministry and fulfil the stewardship, which you have received in the Lord”.

The reason given for physical marriage is the understanding it imparts concerning a spiritual marriage between Christ and the body of believers who comprise the Church.

Marriage is a constant reminder of our sacred relationship with Jesus Christ. With this understanding as a foundation, it becomes clear that the relationship between husband and wife are meant to give us insight into the relationships between Christ and the church.

God ordained the institution of marriage to help teach us about this awesome relationship. It is worth noting also that as we learn to walk in total nakedness as a couple, we will understand what it means to worship Christ in all nakedness of spirit.

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We Still Do!

Chapter Ten The Spiritual Relationship…

The most important personal relationship that a man can have, outside of his spiritual relationship with God through the Lord Jesus Christ, is his relationship with his wife. In the process of looking for a wife, the highest principle is to look for a woman with a personal faith in Jesus Christ.

Couples overlook this very important relationship in marital decisions.

They do not realise that to be in spiritual agreement with a spouse is the most important foundation of any marriage.

The bible states in Matthew 6:33: “But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these 68

We Still Do! things taken together will be given you besides”.

As we daily walk before our Almighty God, we are required to first seek His Kingdom and His right way of doing things. It is only when we have this that we will enjoy the guaranteed promise of being successful in every other endeavour.

God’s Kingdom is peace, love and joy in His Holy Spirit. His righteousness is to walk in the truth, light and understanding of His Word (i.e. the Holy Bible).

Therefore, we must be in right standing with God and when we are ready to enter into a marriage covenant, the foundation of the covenant must be firmly rooted in Christ. 1 Corinthians 3:11 tells us: “For no one can lay another foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ”.

Where the foundation of the marital covenant is not built on Christ, the covenant will be constantly attacked and destroyed!

In Psalm 89:14, the Psalmist gives glory to God - Righteousness and Justice are the foundation of your throne; love and faithfulness go before you.

Prophet Isaiah says of Him to us, in Isaiah 33:6: “He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the LORD is the key to this treasure”.

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We Still Do! Our Lord Jesus tells in Matthew 7:24-25: “So everyone who hears these words of mine and acts upon them [obeying them] will be like a sensible (prudent, practical, wise) man who built his house upon the rock”. And the rain fell and the floods came and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock”.

Everything or person in this world is constantly being challenged.

Whatever be your challenge in this life, a solid and firm foundation in Christ will lead you to your expected end.

It is therefore important that anyone seeking to enter into a marital relationship first ensure that their foundation in Christ is firm; this will help them make godly decisions and save them from unimaginable heartaches in the future.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 states: “And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken”.

By willingly giving God a key role as part of a tightly woven threefold cord intertwined in love, couples have the assurance that the marriage is secure and that God governs all major decisions in the relationship.

They both have the responsibility of seeking guidance and direction from the Holy Spirit individually; so that when the two come together, they can reach a commonality that is uncommon in marriages today. Without spiritual development and progress by both, the marriage drifts more and 70

We Still Do! more apart.

The common denominator of Jesus Christ enables couples to become one, not only in body, but also in soul and in spirit. Spiritual oneness cultivated in an intimate bond empowers couples to resist the temptation to separate or divorce, especially during times of sickness, infirmity, or economic woe.

They become fortified and strengthened as they discover how to cleave together in difficult situations and face adversity and every enemy as one.

How would I know if I am in an incompatible spiritual relationship with my spouse?

The Apostle Paul tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers.

Apostle Paul states in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers [do not make mismated alliances with them or come under a different yoke with them, inconsistent with your faith]. For what partnership have right living and right standing with God with iniquity and lawlessness? Or how can light have fellowship with darkness?”

Unless a man and woman are in full agreement on this most crucial issue, a godly and fulfilling marriage cannot take place. However, marrying a fellow believer does not guarantee the full experience of being “equally yoked.” The fact that a man or a woman is a Christian does not mean he or she is necessarily a good match for you spiritually. 

Do you share similar spiritual goals?

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Do you share the same doctrinal beliefs?



Do you share similar passions for God?



Do you both fear God?

The qualities of a potential spouse are crucially important. Many marry for emotional or physical attraction alone, and that can be a recipe for failure.

Your spouse must be one whose core spiritual beliefs closely match yours.

In Amos 3:3, the Prophet asks an important question: "Can two walk together except they be agreed?"

Too often couples marry for reasons other than compatibility. If couples fail to discuss where they stand as individuals on important spiritual matters, which can make or break a marriage, then there is bound to be trouble down the road.

A common example is a husband who may not be as committed to Christ as a devout wife. The wife may be dedicated to serving in the local assembly and religiously active in attending Bible studies or spending regular time in prayer. But her husband's lack of commitment, evidenced in poor church attendance, a disinterest in spiritual growth and a nonexistent prayer life, can hinder a harmonious spiritual relationship between the couple.

Where your spiritual goals are not compatible, you will end up spending years trying to push, pull and prod your spouse to join in regular worship and family devotions.

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We Still Do! For wives particularly, you will have the arduous task of trying to get your husband to become the spiritual head of the household, until God extends His mercy and compassion over the situation.

The ideal spiritual stance of each spouse must be where they are first, fully committed to Christ and value building a consistent and continual relationship with God on a personal level.

Rather than professing to be a Christian in name only or making halfhearted attempts to attend church just to appease a disgruntled spouse.

God must be the centre of the marriage and this foundation must be firmly established by the couple.

Is my Spouse my Soul Mate? *** Of course he is! A husband and wife are soul mates in that they are “one flesh,” i.e. spiritually, physically, and emotionally united to each other.

The thought that your spouse may not necessarily be your “soul mate” is not biblical. For most, it is an excuse initiated through ungodly desires.

In fact, most people often use this as an excuse for divorce.

People who are unhappy in their marriage sometimes claim that they did not marry their soul mate and therefore should divorce and begin the search for their true soul mate. This is nothing more than a blatantly unbiblical excuse. If you are married, the person you are married to is your soul mate. Period! Mark 10:7-9 tells us: “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one.

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

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We Still Do! A husband and wife are “united,” “one flesh,” “no longer two, but one,” and “joined together,” i.e., soul mates. A marriage may not be as unified and joyous as a couple wishes it to be. A husband and wife may not have the physical, emotional, and spiritual unity that they desire. But even in this instance, the husband and wife are still soul mates. A couple in such a situation needs to work on developing true “soul mate” intimacy.

By obeying what the Bible teaches about marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, a couple can develop the intimacy, love, and commitment that being “one flesh” soul mates entails.

If you are married, you are married to your soul mate. No matter how disharmonious a marriage is, God can bring healing, forgiveness, restoration, and true marital love and harmony.

It is however possible that, in a time of disobedience and lack of close fellowship with God, you may can or may have married someone whom God did not desire you to marry.

Even in such an instance, though, God is sovereign and in control. God hates divorce as confirmed in Malachi 2:16 and “marrying the wrong person” is never presented in the Bible as grounds for divorce.

God can take any two people, no matter how mismatched, and mould them into two people who are perfect for each other. He is capable of making a struggling marriage happy, unified, and successful.

If we maintain close fellowship with God, He will lead us and guide us.

If you are walking with the Lord and truly seeking His will, God will lead 74

We Still Do! you to the spouse after His own heart. God will lead you to our “soul mate” if you submit to Him and follow Him. He has promised to direct us. Proverbs 3:5-6 admonishes: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight”.

The implication of this scripture is that if you are not trusting in the Lord with all your heart, and are leaning on your own understanding, you can go make very wrong choices!

True oneness is only possible by implementing the biblical pattern of marriage e.g. being naked in all things, living joyfully together all the days of your life, submitting to one another, etc. You must make this oneness a daily reality.

In other to enjoy a harmonious spiritual relationship with your spouse, we believe it is important to talk about the issues of who has spiritual headship in the marriage - the husband or the wife. And whether the husband is the priest of his home!

Spiritual Headship in a Marriage *** It is often said that the husband is the spiritual head of his home. Is this however true? The true answer to this can only be found in balancing numerous scriptures from the Bible, for God is not an author of confusion Let’s go through a few of these together.

Genesis 1:27-28 states: 75

We Still Do! “So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them and said to them: Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it [using all its vast resources in the service of God and man]; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and over every living creature that moves upon the earth”.

Galatians 3:27-29 states: “For as many [of you] as were baptized into Christ [into a spiritual union and communion with Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is now no distinction between Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is not male and female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's offspring and spiritual heirs according to promise”.

Ephesians 4:15 states: “Rather, let our lives lovingly express truth in all things - speaking truly, dealing truly and living truly. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, even Christ the Messiah and the Anointed One”.

From these scriptures, it is very clear that God is the spiritual head of both the husband and the wife. However, as part of His divine plan of creation, He has given the husband authority over his wife for her protection and as a symbol of her submission unto God. This order of authority cannot be questioned by man or woman.

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We Still Do! Therefore, any wife who seeks to walk in her God-given spiritual gifts and fulfil her spiritual assignments on earth must first ensure that she walks in submission to her husband’s authority, guidance and leading to effectively please God in her service.

This does not mean that the husband is his wife’s spiritual head. Her submission is as unto the Lord who is her Spiritual Head.

Is the Husband the Priest of his Home? *** What is the definition of a priest? A priest is defined as - a person whose function is to make sacrificial offerings and having the authority to perform and administer religious rites as an intermediary between deity and worshipers.

We are not sure whether people often confuse the husband being the head of his wife with him being the priest of his home. So we decided recently to look up this scripture of the husband being the priest of his home, as we often quote it when we admonish husbands who are spiritually dry.

Actually, we have heard it being preached that women are not to take the spiritual lead in the home i.e. lead on spiritual matters.

Anyway, the results of our search through the bible of the husband being the priest of his home shocked us – It was not in the bible! We searched again and again and guess what – we still could not find any scripture on this.

This is what the bible says concerning our priesthood in 1 Peter 2:5 & 9:

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We Still Do! “Come and like living stones, be yourselves built into a spiritual house, for a holy, dedicated and consecrated priesthood, to offer up those spiritual sacrifices that are acceptable and pleasing to God through Jesus Christ”.

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, God's own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvellous light”.

Revelations 1:5-6: “And from Jesus Christ the faithful and trustworthy Witness, the Firstborn of the dead, first to be brought back to life and the Prince (Ruler) of the kings of the earth. To Him whoever loves us and has once and for all loosed and freed us from our sins by His own blood, and formed us into a kingdom (a royal race), priests to His God and Fatherto Him be the glory and the power and the majesty and the dominion throughout the ages and forever and ever. Amen” Therefore, God calls us, both husband and wife, priests! Through our Lord Jesus, we all now have the right to approach God in the holy of holies through true worship. We are priests and He is our High Priest.

Through the death and resurrection of Christ, there is no more need for a mediator, whether church priest or husband.

There is no scriptural requirement for another priest to represent the wife and children for that matter in the home. Salvation is personal and Our Lord Jesus even rebuked his disciples for attempting to stop the children from gaining direct access to Him. 78

We Still Do! Matthew 19:14 states: “But Jesus said, suffer not the little children to come to me, forbid them not”.

The wife or children can stand before God just as the husband can!

When Adam and Eve sinned in Genesis Chapter 3, God judged and punished them equally. Although Adam blamed his sin on his wife and the wife blamed it on the devil, God never asked Adam what Eve had done even though Adam was with Eve when she fell into sin. He said to him, did you eat of the fruits that I commanded you not to?

He did not ask, did you and Eve! This tells me that Adam had no spiritual responsibilities over Eve! Likewise, in the case of Ananias and Sapphira in Acts, chapter 5, Sapphira was held responsible for agreeing to deceive the Holy Spirit alongside her husband!

No, the husband is not the spiritual head of his home. The husband and his wife and their children have equal rights to approach God on spiritual matters and are led by Him alone. Romans 8:14 tells us: “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God”.

They that are spiritually led of God are the sons and daughters of God! Both male and female are referred to as “sons of God” in the bible.

To advocate therefore that it is the place of the husband to first receive direction from God concerning his home is unscriptural and attempts to 79

We Still Do! negate the price Our Lord Jesus paid for us with His precious blood. In addition, this threatens the spiritual growth of the wife and children in the home.

Finally, consider a situation where the husband is an unbeliever. Does the bible not say that the believing wife sanctifies him and vice versa? In other words, the wife’s consecration and separation unto God gives her husband a spiritual covering and protection from heathen contamination.

1 Corinthians 7:14 states it clearly: “For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.

Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy”.

So tell me please, where the husband is an unbeliever, would this now mean that the marriage remains spiritually barren even though the wife is a believer? Of course not!

Unfortunately, some men have controlled their wives with this concept of the husband being the spiritual head or priest of the home and as a result, many wives have lost their place in God’s presence. There is no drive or fire within them that seeks to do exploits for God. For some, the husband decides where they function within the church, when to run with a vision they have personally received from God and which religious engagements to attend! I am not talking about a case of couples trying to manage family priorities here but a situation, which is outright bondage and manipulation for selfish and most ungodly reasons!

In fact, some women have been accused of trying to usurp spiritual 80

We Still Do! authority over their husbands just because they are passionate about God and His kingdom. How very sad! God never intended for marriage to distract the couple from God’s presence. In fact, it was instituted to help them fully attend to God without the distractions of the lust of the flesh and to replenish the earth with the righteousness of God. 1 Corinthians 7:33-35 confirms this: “But the married man is anxious about worldly matters - how he may please his wife -And he is drawn in diverging directions - his interests are divided and he is distracted from his devotion to God. And the unmarried woman or girl is concerned and anxious about the matters of the Lord, how to be wholly separated and set apart in body and spirit; but the married woman has her cares centred in earthly affairs- how she may please her husband. Now I say this for your own welfare and profit, not to put a halter of restraint upon you, but to promote what is seemly and in good order and to secure your undistracted and undivided devotion to the Lord”.

Genesis 1:28: “And God blessed them and said ”Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish of the sea, the birds in the sky and all the animals that scurry along the ground” Some husbands are made to feel small, immature and inadequate, even by the church, unfortunately, just because their wives have a calling into ministry. They are insensitive to the pressures this could put on the marital and spiritual relationship of the couple.

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We Still Do! So what admonitions can we give based on the Word of God? Couples need to discuss these issues as it affects their homes and ensure that they come to a mutual agreement on the truth revealed in God’s word on this issue. Then they need to go back to God in prayer and repent of this evil. Revelation 2:5 cautions: “Remember then from what heights you have fallen. Repent, change the inner man to meet God's will and do the works you did previously when first you knew the Lord, or else I will visit you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you change your mind and repent”.

If God’s hand is mighty upon the life of your spouse, rejoice and celebrate the favour of God upon your family. The whole family should tap in and be blessed by this grace from God for no man is worthy of God’s glorious presence. But He chose you or your spouse? I am not sure you can fathom this awesome honour at all. Romans 11:29 reminds us: “For God's gifts and His call are irrevocable. He never withdraws them once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call”.

Couples ought to sharpen one another with all the godly knowledge and wisdom that God has bestowed upon them. They should fellowship regularly together and constantly pray for each other’s growth and dedication unto God. One person will chase one thousand demons but two people will put ten thousand demons to flight!

Ecclesiastes 4:9 -12 states:

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We Still Do! “Two are better than one, because they have a good [more satisfying] reward for their labour; for if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Again, if two lie down together, then they have warmth; but how can one be warm alone? And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken”.

God has established the marriage covenant to give couples maximal joy and victory in their union on this earth. Within the covenant is all the legal and spiritual power and backing to bind and loose whatsoever the couple agree upon.

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Chapter Eleven Financial Matters…

Financial nakedness is one area in marriage that most couples continue to struggle with today. Many are still unable to wholeheartedly surrender control of their personal finances, especially where such finances were acquired by the spouse before marriage.

Most couples do not realise that money does bring about intimacy in marriage and that couples have the potential to a healthy and intimate financial relationship.

Some couples are so obsessed with what they have acquired over the years that they even go as far as suggesting pre-nuptial agreements with their spouses before the marriage takes place. Unfortunately, all these initiations of men are contrary to God’s original plan for his children.

Genesis 2:25 states that when the wife and her husband become one flesh

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We Still Do! that they were both naked and there was no shame between them.

There was absolutely nothing to hide as they stood bare before each other with nothing that was not revealed to their human eyes. Both man and his wife were truly open to each other in ALL things.

Who Owns What in Marriage? *** In the book of Genesis (where it all began), Chapter 2:21-24 states: “And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, He made into a woman and He brought her to the man. And Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called “Woman” because she was taken out of man. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh!”

The Bible records that the man and his wife become “one flesh” i.e. as one being. Adam himself said about Eve “This is now bone of my bones; flesh of my flesh”!

In marriage, the couple are no longer two people but one person!

Therefore, all that a man acquires before marriage becomes the property of his wife after marriage and vice versa.

To say this is mine or this is yours because you are the forerunner or the one caring for or executing it, is completely unscriptural and contrary to God’s will for the marital institution which He ordained.

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We Still Do! Your wages are your spouse’s wages and therefore he or she has a right to how it is used. It is true that some issues may arise in a marital a relationship where a spouse may be a careless spender or worse still a selfish being.

In such cases, you exercise your God-given wisdom for the ultimate benefit of the entire family but this does not mean that your spouse does not have a right to share in your finances.

Situations differ from family to family but this does not change God’s original statutes and stipulations about the godly marital relationship.

Even where you have received an inheritance, as a married man or woman, what comes to you ultimately belongs to your wife. This may not be legally true or it is spiritually true.

The Bible records that the “one flesh” union is a mystery (which cannot be humanly explained) but it can be likened to Christ and his church! Our Lord Jesus Christ gave all of himself for his church that he may redeem it for himself. Likewise, when a husband leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, they are no longer two but “one flesh”.

In marriage, the husband and the wife lose their individual identity and become one. They no longer use the word “I” but “we”. The couple no longer uses “my”, but “our”. This relates to all aspects of the marriage including the finances.

Money earned or spent by the couple belongs to the home. All notions of individual finances are erased. It does not matter who brings what. The couple takes equal responsibility for their financial decisions and the resulting consequences.

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We Still Do! We do not believe a marriage can thrive until there is intimacy on all levels. Combining all financial resources should be the couple’s ultimate goal. For most, this could take some time to achieve due to spending habits between the couple but it will be worthwhile considering it, working at it and praying about it to achieve financial intimacy.

It absolutely does not matter who earns it. Some couples think that the one who earns the money spends the money or dictates how it ought to be spent. Instead, you should respect your unique contributions to the home.

The wife was formed by God to be a helper to her husband. Therefore, all she has is to help her husband her husband fulfil His God-given responsibility of providing for his family. Remember, you are both joint heirs of God’s eternal and diving plan.

Financial Responsibilities in Marriage *** Financial responsibility is simply defined as “who takes care or who administers the financial obligations in the home”. These obligations could be the payment of bills, family investments and general financial administrations.

It does not necessarily follow that the major breadwinner of the family must be the financial administrator of the family. True, he or she may be the one with the higher earning power, but the responsibility for administering the family’s obligations should lie with the spouse who is more diligent and financially astute.

Such a spouse is one who is more likely to look at things on a wider scale, 87

We Still Do! adopt long-term strategies rather than short-term ones and execute the financial affairs for the overall benefit of all the members of the family.

It is vital that there is complete trust and confidence in your spouse. It is also necessary that the couple communicate regularly on the financial matters of the family in an open, accommodating and truthful way.

There must be no doubts whatever or suspicion for that matter because this is where grave issues arise. Be truthful to your spouse and discuss any concerns, apprehensions you may have.

Evaluate and review the financial strategies used and address any gaps promptly, being sensitive towards your spouse and appreciative of their efforts.

Who Has the Final Say in Financial Decisions in the Marriage? *** It is commonly thought that the man has the final say where financial matters are concerned even where the woman may be the major or in some cases the main breadwinner of the family. Let us use the scriptures to disposition this thought.

Ephesians 5:22-28 states: “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church; and he is saviour of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spots 88

We Still Do! or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish”.

Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

From these set of scriptures, we truly believe that the right to the final say in financial matters lies with the husband and wife alike. What is often emphasised today is that the wife has to submit to her husband and that is it!

The wife must submit to the authority of her husband (as confirmed in Ephesians 5). But scripture also admonishes the husband to love his wife and give himself for her (in other words, surrender himself to her completely). This means that when the husband loves his wife as Christ commands him to, he is able to let go easily. He nourishes her; he cherishes her and seeks to please her always.

He sacrifices his joy for hers and is always watching out for her peace.

Therefore, he does not seek to exert his God-given authority as the Head by demanding his right to the final say in financial matters but he gently nurtures her, dwelling with her in all understanding, treating her as the weaker vessel.

Ephesians 5:21 says, “Be subject to one another”. This means that there are times the husband would also have to submit to his wife. As a result, the husband may not always have the final say in financial matters. The wife is to submit to her husband’s headship over her whilst the husband also loves nourishes and cherishes her to the extent of sacrificing his joys 89

We Still Do! for hers.

When each party seeks to do what God commands, matters will be resolved amicably and they will be questioned as to who has the final say!

Each spouse gives up their right for each other’s joy and what results is a selfless relationship.

Unfortunately, what obtains in our society today are cultures where the wife is condemned for not submitting to her husband but her husband is not reprimanded for not loving his wife as himself and giving himself for her.

Whether it is the wife or the husband who makes the final decision on a financial matter in the family, it must not be an issue at all. What is important is that the matter be dealt with selflessly and the final decision taken must be for the overall benefit of the family, Can you truly let go? Of course, you can! It is all in the mind. Once you understand God’s “one flesh” principle and believe it to be His will for your marriage, then you should be able to surrender and let go of your final rights to your spouse.

You will be able to share God’s financial blessings upon your life with your spouse, knowing fully well that this is most pleasing to God. You will be able to give unconditionally even where you do not get equal measures from your spouse.

Do not fall into the temptation of only letting go when your spouse does.

Philippians 2:12 admonishes us to “…work out your salvation with fear and trembling” before God and NOT before man. Whatever you do, you 90

We Still Do! do unto God. For God is your provider.

When you seek to do all scripture teaches us to do, you will surely eat the good of your land. Don’t ever think negatively i.e. that your relationship may end in divorce.

In Job 3:25, Job says, “For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me”. Therefore, do not fear. Obey God and look solely unto Him as the Author and Finisher of your faith.

Defining Your Financial Goals in Marriage *** Every goal set has a financial implication. In order for couples to walk in agreement, they must define and agree on their family goals.

For instance, where a husband has a personal goal which the wife has no input to, there are bound to be impacts on the family in the long run which could lead to unhealthy disagreements, resentment and rancour.

Therefore, couples should aim to set joint goals for the overall benefit of the family.

Personal goals in a marital relationship are an indication of the lack of intimacy and oneness in the relationship. Listen to what Our Lord Jesus says in Mathew 12:25: “And knowing their thoughts, He said to them, any kingdom that is divided against itself is being brought to desolation and laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will last or continue to stand”.

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We Still Do! Where the couple set joint goals, they must look at the financial implications of those goals they have jointly set and wholeheartedly believe in them in order to achieve financial intimacy in marriage.

Ultimate Long term goals for the family will require shorter term goals to be jointly set and budgeted for. Once the budget is set, it is important that the couple track its progress together by regularly analyzing and adjusting where required.

Define your financial goals jointly to establish a broad or general direction that you both decide to follow in your lives. Ensure you understand the financial implications those goals will have on the family obligations and responsibilities.

Set a budget to represent the goals you meet along the way to achieving your ultimate financial goals. Discuss your progress regularly to see how well you are doing as a family.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33 Pray for Guidance and Wisdom *** Few couples invite God into their financial lives. I think God has some amazing things he can do with our finances if we allow him to enter into the process. Marriage is always a joint relationship between husband, wife, and God. Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us:

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We Still Do! “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triplebraided cord is not easily broken”.

May the Lord be the only third person in your marriage, Amen.

Pray that God would allow you to put the marriage above any individual concerns.

Ask God to guide you in how he wants the funds earned, used, and distributed.

Request a double portion of humility so you can be prepared to accept God’s guidance.

Plead with God to give you the necessary strength to release control of your money and give God control.

James 1:5 states: “If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of [the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or fault-finding, and it will be given him”.

Think before spending and spend within the budget limit. Financial matters must be given proper attention.

Applying for credits should be properly discussed to avoid trouble in the future when family income is jeopardized because of credits.

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We Still Do! Be open and honest with your spouse and it will help keep your marriage happy and conflict-free.

Financial Agreements Before Marriage *** It is best to discuss how you will merge your finances before you actually get married. Discuss your financial goals. Get copies of your credit reports and review them together.

Decide whether you will keep separate credit cards, add your names to each other's existing credit cards, or get new joint credit cards.

Talk about how you will handle your bank accounts – would you maintain separate accounts or a combined account? - and how you will save for your financial goals.

These are money issues that have long-term consequences but are often overlooked in the rosy glow of romance before the wedding.

Once you are married, avoid arguing with your spouse about money.

Determine your money personalities. Review your finances together on a regular basis and talk about money matters openly and honestly.

Couples should recognise their specific challenges and tailor a plan to tackle them. This can help move their relationship closer to financial harmony.

Where couples marry at a late age in life, they bring more assets and debt into the marriage. They bring their strong opinions on money management into the marriage, having managed their own money 94

We Still Do! individually for years.

Balancing Financial Control in a Marriage *** It is still more common to have one person take the lead on finances. The spouse who makes the investment decisions - and thus controls the bulk of family assets - tends to manage the couple's long-term financial goals.

The other spouse may take on short-term tasks, such as paying monthly bills.

When both spouses help make financial decisions, they are more likely to reach their goals. The couple may be able to attain better investment returns as well, if one spouse is conservative with investments while the other takes risks, because, "You balance each other out. If you and your partner are like most couples, chances are, you fight about money.

Merging Finances in Marriage *** One of the first issues newlyweds face is how to handle their finances.

Should you merge everything you have and earn into one joint account, or should you maintain individual accounts and open a joint one for household expenses?

Initially, married couples should try different ways of handling the money to see what works for them. The right choice may be somewhere in the middle.

Assuming you both have a clean bill of fiscal health when you marry, finding a way to blend finances comfortably without feeling like big brother is watching every financial move you make can dramatically cut 95

We Still Do! down on fights.

Over time, once kids and mortgages come into play, many couples find that merging all their finances is simply easier. But ensure that you communicate regularly about your feelings and ultimately work towards financial harmony.

It is much easier for the spouse with the lesser income to submit to having merged accounts than the spouse with the higher income. But unless you're both comfortable with the idea, there's no need to rush things as the consequences can be dangerous.

Dealing with Debt *** By the grace of God alone, and having been married for 25 years, we can confidently say that we are enjoying financial harmony today in our home.

In the early days of our marriage, we had serious issues dealing with finances in our marriage. But we can honestly now say that allowing the truth in God’s word transform the way we act, think or react brought us victory and ultimate financial harmony, by the grace of God. Today, the concept of your money does not exist in our home, irrespective of the source. There is communication and transparency in dealing with the financial matters of our family.

Of all the issues that spark a fight, debt ranks No. 1 for most couples.

Whether you choose to accept this or not, once you are married, your spouse's debts will become your problem.

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We Still Do! Granted, you are not legally responsible for the credit card balances ran up before you were married, or for any loans opened in your spouse's name alone, provided you keep your finances completely separate.

However, even with separate finances, your spouse’s credit score will affect your ability to get joint credit. It is a public [credit reporting] system, and what you do will absolutely affect the other.

Therefore, the strategy for getting out of the debt must be lovingly discussed and agreed early on in the marriage.

The right approach is to see the debt as “our debt” and decide now to pay it off together. The wrong approach is to let your spouse deal with it, demanding that the spouse finds a way to pay it off!

Keeping Spending in Check *** Imagine this scenario - Your husband keeps nagging at you that you spend too much but then comes home one day with a huge smile and says, Surprise! I just bought a 70-inch flat-screen plasma TV. He happily explains how he sealed the "terrific" deal. You are definitely not impressed!

Sounds familiar? Spending is one of the most common reasons couples fight. What usually happens is that one spouse is labelled the "spender", and is blamed for spending all the money in the family account. In most cases, however, that is not accurate.

Studies show that men and women spend the same - they just spend differently! Women usually take care of most of the family's daily expenses: the groceries, the bills, clothes for the family - while men spend 97

We Still Do! on large purchases like plasma TVs, cars or computers.

If you count the money spent by each spouse, you will discover that they spend about the same amount. But because couples spend so differently, the perception is different.

The solution here is to identify the real problem that you are both spending money on a tight budget. Then sit down and decide how much money you will allocate to the day-to-day expenses, and how much to save for the big purchases. What you will be doing is trying to get the 'Surprise!' out of it.

Money fights are one of the leading causes of divorce. I believe financial tension in relationships can be improved if not alleviated if couples commit themselves to improving the financial intimacy in their marriage.

Improving Financial Intimacy in Marriage *** Since there is a union between husband and wife, it is essential that couples combine bank accounts and all other financial assets and liabilities. It is difficult, but possible, to function financially with separate bank accounts.

What do you seek in your marriage? To ‘function’ or to thrive? We do not believe a marriage can thrive until there is intimacy on all levels. This involves combining all financial resources.

It does not matter who earns it. Some couples think that the one who earns the money spends the money or dictates how the money is spent. Instead, you should respect your unique contributions to the 98

We Still Do! home. As a couple, you make a choice on the financial decisions for your family and each couple should contribute to the decisions made and assume full responsibility for it collectively. 1 Corinthians 7:4 tells us: “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.

In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife”. * While this passage speaks of the physical relationship between husband and wife, the principle of joint ownership applies. What previously belonged to the wife or husband (his and her body) now belongs to both of them, as they become joint-owners of their bodies or their possessions.

Distribute Responsibilities *** Money management takes time, energy, knowledge, and wisdom. One of the common complaints about the modern family is the burden of so many responsibilities and commitments. This makes its way into the home as couples decide who will take care of the different tasks related to personal finances. Distribute responsibilities according to strengths, abilities and availability. 1 Peter 3:7 says: “Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers”.

Also, Proverbs 31:10-31 outlines the responsibilities assumed by the wife of noble character.

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We Still Do! Removing Financial Pressure *** Too many money discussions in marriage happen in high-stress situations. You need to take away the pressure that every financial decision could break you. Pay off your debt and save for emergencies! Once you have taken care of those financial pressures, you will find that all your financial discussions are suddenly so much easier because there is now space to breathe and even room for error.

“The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender”.

Proverbs 22:7 Agree on Some Guiding Financial Principles *** You should only need to make some decisions in your marriage once. Where the couple does not agree on their financial guidelines, they will keep re-addressing the same issues.

Here are some useful financial guidelines that have helped us, which we would like to recommend to Couples: Tithe your income and give offerings to support the needy.

“Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do," says the LORD of Heaven's Armies, "I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you will not have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test!”

Malachi 3:10 “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay 100

We Still Do! him for his deed”. Proverbs 19:17 Agree on an amount to save regularly as a family.

“The wise store up choice food and olive oil, but fools gulp theirs down”.

Proverbs 21:20 Buy things with cash and do not borrow.

“The LORD will open for you His good storehouse, the heavens, to give rain to your land in its season and to bless all the work of your hand; and you shall lend to many nations, but you shall not borrow”. Deuteronomy 28:12 After you set your goals, budget according to these guidelines.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed”.

Proverbs 16:3 Seek Help When Required *** Sometimes a third party can be an invaluable resource. Couples who find themselves at an impasse often just need someone to help them hear what the other spouse is saying.

When communication in marriage has failed, find a church counsellor or minister who can guide you back on track. This does not need to be a costly endeavour as many churches have resources available to assist you free of charge. Proverbs 15:22 states:

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We Still Do! “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed”.

The Honourable Marriages vision was birthed for this very purpose!!!

Perhaps what you need is not counselling but rather the need to communicate more with your spouse! Ask a friend or parent to watch the kids for an evening or day so you and your spouse can discuss these issues without the children distracting you.

Put the Needs of Your Spouse Above Yours *** Often our financial discussions are a sign of our immaturity and our carnal self. We hunger and lust for things. We desire those things even above the welfare of our marriage. Give up the insignificant things of life so that you can gain the greater reward of a unified marriage.

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others”. Philippians 2:4

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Chapter Twelve Sexual Matters…

The sexual relationship is one of the most important keys to enjoying a happy blissful marriage. When a man and his wife get married, it is expected that their union be consummated on the marriage bed. This consummation makes them “one body” in a spiritual sense.

That one body is the temple of the Holy Spirit which is in you, whom you have received from God. That is why sexual sin is a sin against God because you dishonour your body which is the temple of the living God! The ceremony of marriage is the public acknowledgement of oneness while the consummation of it in private is the spiritual even though it requires the coming together in the flesh.

The Bible states in Genesis 2:18:

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We Still Do! “A man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife and the two of them shall become one flesh.”

The absence of a good sexual relationship between a man and his wife creates tensions, unhappiness, invincible barriers, disaffection, discontent and maltreatment leading to constant disagreements and eventual breakdown of the union.

The sexual relationship between a man and his wife is therefore extremely important as it plays a key role in the ultimate harmony and balance of their union A vigorous and fulfilling sexual relationship amongst couples is vital to maintaining balance, harmony and contentment in each other. Most problems in marriage stem from this very important but often overlooked relationship.

Sex was designed by our Almighty Father not just for procreation but for the physical satisfaction of the couple. But sadly, most do not understand this spiritual truth which we will later explain in detail.

Enjoying Sexual Intimacy in Marriage *** Sexual intimacy in marriage is a gift from God. It is critical to a happy and healthy relationship between husband and wife. God designed husband and wife to enjoy the experience of sexual intimacy in marriage.

Commitment to sexual intimacy in marriage involves doing what is necessary to achieve it, and eliminating whatever impedes it. But where do we go to deal with issues of sexual intimacy in marriage?

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We Still Do! The answer is the Word of God, because it very clearly and unashamedly explains who we are as sexual beings created in God's image.

1 Corinthians 7: 3-4 states: "The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality, the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights. Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out."

Sexual intimacy is one of the most important dimensions of healthy marital intimacy. Healthy sexual intimacy includes sexual frequency that both spouses are satisfied with, sexual activities they both enjoy, and maintaining an open dialogue about sex.

Fewer couples tend to agree in their definition of sexual satisfaction and therefore have fewer worries about their sex lives. Sadly, most couples have trouble discussing sexual issues.

For most women making love has become something they endure because they love their husbands, despite their husband’s insensitivity in the bedroom.

It is difficult to call the sexual interaction between most couples intimacy.

In most cases, the man does what he thinks he needs to do in order to achieve his satisfaction without necessarily trying to please his wife while the wife lies down and endures it as her place is to accommodate her husband’s desires.

Intimacy has lost its place in many marriages. Some cultures do not teach nor support intimacy at all. Therefore, couples grow with a shallow 105

We Still Do! response towards sexual intimacy. For instance, a husband who thinks he is a good lover believes giving his wife an orgasm is all she looks forward to, or he may just think that his wife’s duty is to please him during lovemaking. Isn't this sad?

Some situations in marriages are so bad that couples have to imagine being intimate during lovemaking so that they can get it over and done with.

Rather than enjoying intimacy through a true connection of hearts, a couple masks their feelings in order to pretend they are being fulfilled. A large number of couples do not enjoy and appreciate seeing each other’s naked form.

In such cases, something has definitely gone terribly wrong! When intimacy is lost in a relationship, the heart is left completely dissatisfied and therefore begins to seek love elsewhere.

The greatest sexual fulfilment is achieved over time spent in marriage as a couple learns to talk about anything, any time. When there is heart-toheart communication, not just talking at each other, but listening actively and sensitively, caring deeply about the communication, they will, without doubt, attain fulfilment.

The Sexual Nature of Man *** In marriage, a couple has the perfect platform to discover each other from the tips of the toes to the depths of their souls.

Men desire intimacy just as women do, so if they cannot receive it from 106

We Still Do! their wives, they will often search for it elsewhere.

For women, sex is only one means of intimacy out of many and not always the best one. For many men, sex is the only expression of intimacy.

Men tend to compress the meaning of intimacy into the sex act and when they do not have that outlet, they can become frustrated and upset. Why? Because they are cut off from the only source of closeness they know.

So come on women, let us engage: Have you recently or sometime in the past misread your husband’s need for sexual intimacy as simply a need for physical fulfilment? Most women have certainly made that mistake too.

We need to better understand that men do not think as we do; they do not act like we do. Instead of wanting them to be like us, we need to accept these differences in our make up. God made men and women distinctively so that we can blend our strengths and help one another’s weaknesses.

We need each other! What one lacks in sensitivity, the other overcomes.

What one lacks in logical thinking, the other helps reveal. Whatever your situation, your husband is designed to balance you out.

Although men, in general, may be less sensitive than women, this is not true of all men. That quality should not be considered feminine. Get to know your husband with all of his individual strengths and weaknesses.

You will probably find that you balance him out in many areas.

Treat your spouse as your other half and not the better or worse half. He 107

We Still Do! is the other part of you! What he needs is important to you because he is part of you.

Often it is the very differences in our personalities, etc. that we treasure before we marry. Suddenly those are the things that drive us crazy and lead to argument and discontent. See your spouse as God’s perfect gift to you. If he or she needs sex for intimacy, accept that and respond accordingly. We must always consider our spouse’s feelings and needs in the area of sex, as well as any other area of course.

One of the major differences between husbands and wives is illustrated by their attitudes toward sex when they are physically tired. Sex is usually the last thing a wife wants when she’s tired, but it provides her husband with the relaxation he needs for restoring sleep. Some women prefer sex at night while some men prefer to begin the day with this gratifying experience.

Another difference is that after a disagreement, a wife looks for words of reconciliation, but the husband often looks for sex to heal the breach and restore the oneness with his wife.

This validates the idea that men seek intimacy through sex. That is why they want to have sex when there has been an argument. This may be why your husband attempts to console you by suggesting sex when you are hurting for some reason.

A wife may demonstrate her love in innumerable other ways but it is often negated by her rejection or lack of enjoyment of sex. To a man, sex is the most meaningful demonstration of love and self-worth.

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We Still Do! A husband’s gift of sexual pleasure is full of meaning. It is a part of his own deepest person. How his wife receives him has a much more profound effect on him than most women realise.

To receive him with joy and to share sexual pleasure builds into him a sense of being worthy, desirable and acceptable. To reject him, to tolerate him and to put him off will hit at the very centre of his self-esteem.

Ownership of the Body in Marriage *** The giving up of authority over our own bodies, the exhilaration of surrendering our personal independence continues to be an issue for many.

This issue of authority is very important. Married people no longer have control over their own bodies, but must surrender authority over them to their spouses. Again, marriage is a partnership. The bible is very clear about this 1 Corinthians 7:4-5: For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority and control over her own body, but the husband [has his rights]; likewise also the husband does not have [exclusive] authority and control over his body, but the wife [has her rights].

Do not refuse, deprive or defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.

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We Still Do! Amazing revelation! The truth revealed through this scripture is a strong foundation for any marriage. The words of these scriptures are in sharp contrast to some cultural norms where the only sexual rights that matter are those of men. Women basically are there to serve men and to submit to them.

Now, why is it so important to surrender authority? Because the power to give sexual fulfilment to my wife lies with me, not with her. Ultimately, spiritually, at the deepest levels of her being, she cannot fulfil herself.

And I must be willing to give her authority over my sexual fulfilment.

Furthermore, in the words of Apostle Paul, we must not “rob one another,” or “defraud one another”. This means we must not cheat our spouse out of what is rightfully theirs.

Are you willing to give yourself to your spouse sexually without considering your own desires or needs? Are you prepared to give your spouse the authority over your body? If you are not, you are in sin, disobeying God’s direct command and His principle of oneness, and you are putting your marriage at risk.

To enjoy a virile sexual relationship, both spouses must recognize this truth and urgently start to walk in it. Authority here means a power or right that has been delegated or given; a right to act exercised by a person in virtue of his office or trust; an official permission and approval from heaven to have rights over or exclusive claim to.

Husbands and wives have equal responsibility before the Lord to fulfil the sexual needs and desires of their spouse. There is complete mutuality within the marriage in the matter of sexual rights.

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We Still Do! God gave the gift of sex in marriage for the pleasure and fulfilment of each spouse equally. Paul doesn't say to me as a husband that I have a right to demand that my wife pay a sexual debt to me, either by giving me what I want sexually or by allowing me to withhold sex from her. It is just the opposite - I owe her a debt of love. I'm to serve her sexually with a loving commitment to meet her needs.

Initiating Lovemaking in the Marital Relationship *** Either the husband or the wife is able to initiate sex. It all depends on who is yearning for intimacy at the time. It is, however, a common issue amongst most couples that the initiation of sexual relations is considered to be the prerogative of the husband.

In other words, most women would wait for their husbands to make sexual advances to them first. And when they do, they also expect the husband to do all the fondling and caressing.

From the truth in God’s word concerning the ownership of the body, I have found this to be a wrong attitude and one which could frustrate the achievement of an enjoyable sexual relationship between couples. What we probably do not realize is that what we do during sexual relations convey messages to our spouses.

Most women have suffered from cultural bondage where a woman is taught that making love advances to her spouse would make her appear “loose” and “promiscuous. But if you own your spouse’s body, as the bible tells us, then you are responsible for ensuring that the body is well nourished and satisfied with the best love making you can give it.

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We Still Do! On the other hand, husbands are the stronger vessel and are therefore to treat their wives with understanding. You should tell her what you desire and where possible, teach her how to satisfy your body.

This must not, however, be done selfishly as the woman is the weaker vessel and often requires much more time to get to her maximal levels of sexual fulfilment.

Some will require time to break free from these cultural beliefs that have been imbibed on these issues. Particularly, fervent prayer about this issue will accelerate mutual victory.

The sexual relationship goes much deeper beyond the mere physical activities. It is connected to both your heart and spirit and therefore provides one of the greatest avenues available to couples to demonstrate our genuine love for each other.

If however, it is the husband who requires help, then wives must be tolerant, patient and not feel that it is derogatory to be making sexual advances to their husbands. We all come from different backgrounds and may not fully understand the reasons why issues are handled differently.

Watching pornographic materials as a means of stimulating sexual participation must not be considered at any time as they portray sexual relations in ungodly ways which are dishonourable to the sanctity of the marital relationship.

Discover yourselves! What works for one may be detestable to another.

Communicate with your spouse. Be naked in thoughts and desires before each other and let there be no shame between you. Confess your 112

We Still Do! ignorance one to another and ask God for wisdom when you need it!

The Consequences of Sex Deprivation in Marriage *** Paul moves now to the second major point about growing in full sexual expression in marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:5-6. He warns of the danger of sexual deprivation.

“Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempts you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command”.

"Stop depriving," literally means "Stop defrauding," or "Stop robbing."

The word means to cheat somebody out of what is rightly theirs.

The issue he raises about self-control assumes that the couple wouldn't have gotten married in the first place if they didn't feel any sexual desire.

So they legitimately need to fulfil such desires for each other so they won't be tempted to commit adultery. See how the Message translation explains 1 Corinthians 7:1-6: " Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly - but only within a certain context. It is good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder.

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality - the husband seeking to 113

We Still Do! satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.

Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it is for the purposes of prayer and fasting, but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I am not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence, only providing my best counsel if you should choose them."

Apostle Paul therefore writes that we may deprive each other of sex but only under four circumstances: First, sex can be withheld when you both agree. Both parties must agree voluntarily, with no manipulation. You cannot decide by yourself to deprive your spouse of sex. Both of you must agree not to have sex in order to fit into this exception.

Here’s how this may work in real life - an example that we can certainly identify with: Let’s say that last night your spouse rolled over in bed and made a sexual advance. Because you had a long and exhausting day, you said, “I’m really tired tonight. Would it be alright with you if we waited until tomorrow night? If not, sweetheart, you know that tonight is okay too. What would you like?”

As a woman with a career, a home to build and a ministry to fulfil, your body may feel tired, your mind clogged up with urgent issues/chores or deadlines to meet, your thoughts lost in deep meditation, etc and therefore your body does not connect with lovemaking at that point in time.

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We Still Do! Please note that we are not referring to times when your husband upsets you and therefore you feel hurt and withdrawn. No, not at all. We are referring more to times when the reason behind your non-responsiveness has nothing to do with your husband but with YOU! We know husbands may well find themselves in this position also but having counselled many women in the past, we believe that this situation is most common with women. If you find yourself in this position, you must lovingly seek mutual agreement on deprivation.

Biblically speaking, who has the final say in this decision? The initiating partner always has the final say. If your spouse wants sex, even after hearing your request, he or she still has authority over your body.

However, just because your body belongs to your spouse does not mean you do not have the freedom to negotiate! When the initiating partner hears a willing but tired attitude of acceptance rather than rejection, understanding should be forthcoming. Mutual consent and understanding are required.

Secondly, sex can be deprived when you both agree to delay it for a time.

It must be only for a short period of time. Whenever a couple mutually agrees to deprive one another of sexual intimacy, the two must agree when they will have sex.

Bible states that the deprivation is to last for a short specific period of time and this time must be clearly known and acceptable to both spouses.

It is not right therefore to say to your spouse that you are unable to have sex today without giving him the pleasure of anticipation.

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We Still Do! Thirdly, sex can be set aside to devote yourselves to prayer. It is spiritually driven and a provision for each partner to individually focus in a concentrated way on communion with the Lord for a time.

The only biblical purpose for deprivation of sex is to devote yourselves to seeking a spiritual focus in your life or marriage. This, however, must not now be a tool for you to use when you deliberately do not feel like having sexual relations with your spouse.

Finally, sex can be deprived until the two of you agree to come together again. The Bible quickly brings us back to the reality that sexual intimacy is to be the norm and never the exception. Always remember, we are called to satisfy and protect our spouse.

Apostle Paul ends in 1 Corinthians 7:6 by making it clear that this is not an apostolic directive, it is a concession. It is, however, worth stating that even though the exception is not a commandment, it has been given for the ultimate joy and fulfilment in marriage so that we can attend unto God without distractions.

The concession was given because the enemy, who is a roaring lion, is always seeking to attack and tempt men God requires spouses to give themselves to prayer and fasting without distractions. God also requires them to live joyfully with one another all the days of their lives as it is their portion of vanity.

Therefore to attend unto God as well as render affection and sexual satisfaction to your spouse, there will be times when you will have to mutually agree to deprive each other, howbeit, for all the right reasons of separating yourself to be in God’s presence. This is biblical admonition 116

We Still Do! which we can all benefit from. As we now know that our bodies are owned by our spouses, we must not deliberately deprive them the pleasure of enjoying our bodies in an attempt to get at them, settle a score, hurt them or deny them their God-given right and portion of sexual fulfilment.

Consistent sexual selfishness will destroy intimacy between a husband and a wife. Sexual intimacy in marriage can be strengthened if we independently commit ourselves to meeting the needs of our spouse.

Most marriages are suffering today because men tend to exert their right and selfishly demand the pleasures from their wives bodies irrespective of their wives state of mind at the time.

Apostle Paul refers to the woman as the “weaker vessel” requiring understanding! It is often said that a man’s sexual drive is much fiercer than that of a woman and that most women generally require time to respond to sexual advances.

We believe that this is because women are very emotional beings and all aspects of their lives are inter-linked with each other.

Where a husband, for instance, helps his wife with the chores, openly shows concern for how she feels, how she is getting on with her secular work, willingly offers support to her relatives, is a good father to the children, etc – such a woman would most often be responsive to lovemaking.

This is a truth which every couple should seek to unveil as it pertains to their relationship. I am confident that if you truly seek selfless sexual 117

We Still Do! harmony for both you and your spouse, God will reveal certain aspects that you can start to work on.

According to the scriptures, if you deprive each other, you open yourself to attack. Paul blatantly states that in sexual matters, you must come together after an agreed upon time of sexual abstinence, or you will open yourself up to satanic attack.

After a period of abstinence from sex, you are to come together again. If you do not, Satan will come against you with temptations to commit sexual immorality. The longer sex is postponed in the marital partnership, the greater the risk of temptation.

Please take this very seriously. Satan is real and powerful. He holds millions firmly in bondage. So if you have been disobedient in this area, take the time to confess this to God and to your spouse and ask for forgiveness.

This is not to be taken lightly because this is God’s design for your marriage. He is the Designer and He knows what will work. Ask God for the grace to die to self in this area and to put the needs of your spouse before your own.

I believe that marriage and the gift of children are ways that God deals with our sinful selfishness, making us more like Jesus, whose unselfishness resulted in our salvation. If we follow God’s marriage principles, we become more Christ-like.

No spouse has the right to unilaterally shift into spiritual "hyper-drive" and deny their wife or husband lovemaking. Work together to solve any 118

We Still Do! problems you are currently having before Satan has a chance to begin destroying what God has joined together in the marriage union.

Benefits of a Healthy Sexual Relationship in Marriage *** It remains a proven fact that couples who enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship with each other live very joyfully. In most relationships, it creates the foundation for many other fulfilling moments in the relationship.

For instance, when a couple understand each other’s body and regularly nourish it, it creates an atmosphere of contentment in the home and as a result the couple become more tolerant with each other in areas where they may be deficient; they go the extra mile to attend to the needs and desires of their spouse; they easily overlook their mistakes and are willing to forgive no matter how serious the issue may be.

The process of lovemaking makes you “one flesh” with your spouse i.e. your spouse doesn’t see you as you but rather sees you as himself or herself. Therefore, the less sexual relationship, the more separate you become and therefore the more likely you are to walk in disunity and quite possibly constant disagreement with your spouse.

Where the Bible speaks about the lovemaking between a couple, often the phrase” and he knew her” is used. Literally, when you know someone, you are able to walk in agreement with the person because you know him or her well. Therefore, when a husband knows his wife intimately, there is a connection and unification that takes place between their souls. God ordained this mystery for husband and wife to maximally enjoy one another. They are no longer two but one!

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We Still Do! Overcoming Hindrances to Sexual Harmony in Marriage *** Early marital experiences themselves can be disappointing, painful, or frightening. Then when children come along, fatigue and heavier financial responsibilities can hinder sexual intimacy. Commitment translates into time: You must prioritize your time for sex since busyness is one factor that always gets in the way.

Intimacy will not be produced when the values held by the husband and his wife are in conflict. Communication allows for difficult topics to be openly discussed. What if the wife has no interest in sex? On the other hand, is there freedom to share sexual fantasies with your spouse?

Can both partners openly share what they think about their sex life, as well as every other part of their lives? Frustration accumulates when a husband and/ or wife are not able to communicate about problems, desires, fears, or a host of other regularly unspoken issues that impact their sexual experience.

The first important point Paul makes, in verses 1 Corinthians 7:2-4, is if we're going to grow in our sexual expression in marriage, we need to cultivate sexual intimacy.

“But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfil his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does, and likewise also, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does”.

If we are going to grow in sexual intimacy in marriage, we have got to be committed to the fact that this is a permanent, ongoing, open-hearted, 120

We Still Do! monogamous relationship. You can grow sexually when you're secure in your relationship with each other.

The Greek version of this scripture emphasises, "Let each man be having his own wife, and each woman be having her own husband." The phrase "be having" means to be in continuing sexual relations with the wife or husband.

So the clear apostolic word here is that those who are married should frequently express sexual intimacy with each other throughout their marriage.

God's kind of love and marriage lasts, no matter what. It is a lifetime of growing together spiritually, emotionally, and sexually. For newlyweds just beginning, it is tremendously encouraging to know that they have the rest of their life to grow into greater and greater sexual intimacy. It becomes richer and deeper the longer they live together.

Understand your spouse’s body and what gives them the most pleasure.

Life is dynamic in itself. It may well be that what excites your spouse this year may change altogether next year. Keep asking, keep learning.

Variety, they say, is the spice of life!

Pray to God about your deficiencies and lack of knowledge. Do not think that praying for wisdom on how to enjoy a rewarding sexual relationship is being “unholy”. God is interested in your home and therefore wants it to glorify Him in all ways.

Sometimes, it may be necessary to prepare towards lovemaking, particularly if you always have a busy schedule. This applies to women 121

We Still Do! especially where lovemaking is closely connected to what goes on in the brain.

If a woman’s brain is clogged up with a long list of to-dos, for example, helping the children with their homework, preparing dinner for the family, doing the laundry, making bill payments, etc, by the time she finally gets into bed, she’s quite exhausted and will be unresponsive during lovemaking.

Therefore, preparation is required. Prioritize your activities and where possible, allow some time to relax, unwind and freshen up before you get into bed. On other occasions, however, lovemaking could be spontaneous and therefore no prep time required.

Couples need to understand each other and their perfect moments for lovemaking. All things should be done with understanding towards each other and not selfishly to have your own way.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them...And God saw all He had made, and behold, it was very good."

Our prayer is that as you begin to walk in wisdom that comes only through the knowledge of God’s word and mind for our marriages, you will experience sexual harmony like never before and come to understand that your God ordained sex for your ultimate satisfaction in marriage.

Proverbs 5:15-20 admonishes husbands: “Drink waters out of your own cistern [of a pure marriage relationship], 122

We Still Do! and fresh running waters out of your own well. Should your offspring be dispersed abroad as water brooks in the streets? Confine yourself to your own wife. Let your children be for you alone, and not the children of strangers with you.

Let your fountain [of human life] be blessed [with the rewards of fidelity], and rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant doe [tender, gentle, attractive]--let her bosom satisfy you at all times, and always be transported with delight in her love. Why should you, my son, be infatuated with a loose woman, embrace the bosom of an outsider, and go astray?”

You will henceforth seek a vibrant and fulfilling sex life with your spouse.

One day at a time, the bible says. Each day will bring a new experience and a new understanding. Amen!

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Chapter Thirteen The Place Of “Others”…

The marriage covenant, as you well know, is a covenant between two people, the man and his wife. Other than God before whom the marriage covenant is sealed, no other person is a legal party to this covenant. We, therefore, refer to the fruits and leaves arising from the couples’ union as “external relationships” to the marriage. This husband is “one flesh” with his wife and with no other.

The external relationships examined in this book are relationships, which couples share either through obligation or by choice. These include children, in-laws and friends.

The Place Of Children In Marriage *** The bible states in Psalm 127:3 that children are the heritage of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is his reward. A couple must first be married to each

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We Still Do! other before God blesses and rewards them with the fruit of their bodies.

This is biblical order and applicable to all marriages These children, the Bible says, are a blessing to the marriage – olive plants to be nurtured at the table of marriage. They have not been given to us to disrupt the marital covenant but to prosper it my showing the marriage fruitful.

Children are gifts from God to the couple and not just gifts to the wife who carries the pregnancy for the 9-month period. They are to be lovingly cared for by both parents.

One common problem in marriages today is how children are to be disciplined and who has the right to discipline the children. Generally, how are the children raised in marriage and by whom?

It is important for wives especially not to try to protect their children from their husbands just because they feel their husbands are too strict. They often claim they want to be friend with their children so that the children could always confide in them.

This is unnecessary because the bible shows us a better way in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it”.

All you need to do is train your child in the ways of God and God will lead that child through life, not you!

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We Still Do! It is wrong to put the children before your spouse. Without your spouse, there would be no children, in a godly union of course! Children have their place in the home and so does your spouse. Clear boundaries must be set in accordance with God’s principles. We ought to first be parents to our children before we strive to be their friends. There must be no compromise on parental discipline.

Proverbs 13:24 states: He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18 states: Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.

Proverbs 23:13 states: Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

Proverbs 29:17 states: Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

So you can now see from these scriptures that parental discipline is a biblical commandment. Couples must maintain good disciplines over their children and the children must be taught to fear God in all their ways.

The fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom.

Any disagreements between the couple on the method of discipline used should be discussed privately between the couple and not in front of the children. It is important for the children to see their parents walk in agreement on issues that concern them. The children must be taught to respect both parents equally.

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We Still Do! Remember that what the children see of their parents’ marriage will form the initial foundation in their understanding of the marriage covenant.

They grow up believing that what they see of their parents’ marriage is the right way to live it. Therefore, it is important to show our children God’s way in marriage so that they will please God in their ways when they have their own homes.

Apostle Paul states in Romans 12:2: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Does the responsibility for our children preclude couples from sharing regular intimate moments?

The balance between children and marriage is a constant struggle.

Children are a blessing to the marriage and not a hindrance to its joys.

Maybe you used to spend much time with your spouse before the children came along. And now, you can barely find the time to have a laugh together.

Do not be frustrated. You are not alone. You, however, need to get back to the basics of quality time with your spouse to keep your marriage strong. Here are some examples of what you can do: Plan to meet on dates with each other. Raising a family is exhausting.

You want to spend time together but you're both so burned out from the day that it is much easier to do nothing. Try to aim for at least one night a month when you and your husband get out of the house for a date. Or 127

We Still Do! plan an activity together, days in advance, so you can both look forward to your date. You can always go to dinner and a movie but try to schedule something different for each date. An outdoor concert, a moonlit picnic or a nice long drive, while the children are asleep in the car, will give you a variety of experiences to share together.

Have Lunch Together. Spice up your marriage by meeting your husband for a lunch date. Bring food from home and sit in your husband's study room or in the park to save money. It doesn't matter what you eat.

What matters is that you are spending quality time together.

Take a weekend off alone. For some people, it is hard to imagine being away from the kids for more than a few hours. God expects you to live joyfully with the wife of your youth. His word says in Ecclesiastes 9:9: “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun--all the days of futility. For that is your portion in this life and in your work at which you toil under the sun”.

Start with a weekend away from the kids to see what works for you. You may actually enjoy the time alone with your spouse even more than you did before you had children. You do not have to leave the house for a weekend away. Make the kids leave instead. Send them to a trusted friend (and not just anyone who volunteers to have them) or family member's home for their own weekend getaway.

Just be sure you tell the person who is watching the children not to interrupt your weekend without good reason. No stopping by the house to get the pink pyjamas instead of the purple ones either. No excuse short of the children being ill or having had an accident will do.

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We Still Do! Your weekend without the kids should be just as if you were spending a weekend out of town. No getting on the computer to check Email. Skip TV time unless you are watching a romantic movie. The weekend needs to be all about your marriage.

Spend time together after the kids go to bed. One last glass of water! Five more minutes in front of the television! We know the tactics children use to delay "lights out." We used them plenty of times ourselves. It is tempting to give in to prevent bedtime struggles, but you and your spouse need time together just as much as your kids need sleep. Set a bedtime for your children and stick to it.

That way, you can "meet" your husband for a loving rendezvous in the living room. Elaborate plans aren't needed. This is just your time to be together without wondering what your children are doing.

Talk every day. Daddy can tell the kids how his day was around the dinner table. He can also save some of the details so you can talk more when the two of you are alone. Read the newspaper. Laugh together.

Watch funny videos. Sing together. Surprise pecks and kisses are not a bad idea at all. Make a point every day to interact with each other.

Talk, listen and make time for each other. Even with you both being dedicated to your children, your family's happiness depends on the health of your marriage.

Appreciate your love and each other regularly. Leave your spouse a love note on the worktop. Buy a little gift and have it delivered to his office, if possible. Send lovely text messages appreciating and celebrating your love together.

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We Still Do! Follow up these gestures with a special meal later in the day. Talk about your deep feelings, your challenges and your frustrations. Help one another overcome any struggles outside of your marital relationship such as challenges in your secular or ministry work.

Managing Your In-Laws *** Life is full of challenges, and the marriage institution is not without its fair share of them. Every time we go through tough times, we have the opportunity of turning them around for our good or letting them ruin our lives. Whether they will end up for our good or not depends on our ability to handle such difficult situations.

The issue of in-laws is one that many women wish did not exist in marriage. This is because it has proven to be the bane of many ailing marriages. Many wives have identified in-laws as the only area in their marriage where they have not been able to achieve peace and harmony.

In-laws include parents, brothers, sisters and even cousins!

Genesis 2:22-24 states: “Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman’, for she was taken out of man."

“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh”.

When a man marries, the bible states that he must “leave” his father and 130

We Still Do! mother and cleave to his wife. Before a man marries, he devotes himself to his parents. But after he marries, his first devotion after God, of course, is to his wife! This is because his wife becomes part of him and therefore he must love her as much as he loves himself. He must not see her any different from himself.

Yet the truth is that when two people get married they do not marry in isolation, but their families as well. There is no way, no matter how much we try, that we could wish away the family members of our spouses. Thus, it is of paramount importance that we seek to maintain peace and cordial relations with our in-laws no matter how difficult it may be.

In some families, the wife is considered an outsider especially when in the midst of her husband’s family members. If a family meeting is convened, the wife is often not invited to attend or have any input to the discussions. She is viewed as an outsider.

But this, of course, is contrary to the scriptures and couples must try not to fall prey to this destructive scheme of the devil. It cheats the husband of God’s promised favour through his wife when she is alienated from matters that concern her husband.

Husbands must read and understand the scriptures and not fall into the temptation that parents, particularly mothers, lure their sons into. If a matter relates to the husband, it is wrong for the husband to oblige his parents’ request to exclude his wife from the discussions.

Husbands, you must be bold, wise yet humble to make your stance clear to your parents from the onset. They will respect you for it and conform to your wishes. This does not mean you love your parents any less. Your 131

We Still Do! responsibility is to love, provide and care for them.

You are not “one flesh” with your parents but with your spouse. You are your wife and your wife is you. The bible states that you are to love your own wife as your own body. You are to nourish, cherish, celebrate, honour and esteem your wife at all times. You must not give your parents, in-laws or anyone for that matter room to dishonour your wife.

Dear wife, your husband is your head and once you are married, God commands you to submit to his authority whether or not you consider him worthy of this honour. It is a commandment from God which must be obeyed because your submission to your husband is in fact submission to God himself.

So where you fall short of this, you are uncovered and exposed to the attack of the enemy. God instituted this commandment for your protection.

Therefore, no matter the extent of parental pressures; irrespective of whether your parents consider your husband worthy of you, you are to honour him as your head completely. After all, you consented to marrying him. It was your choice and one you must stick to at any costs, come rain or sunshine.

Your father no longer has authority over your life but your husband (i.e. your legally married spouse, not the man you may be cohabiting with now). You must, however, continue to love, provide and respect your parents but it is not scriptural to place them before your husband because you are not “one flesh” with your parents but with your husband.

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We Still Do! The relationship with in-laws is a sensitive one; one needs to know how to handle it without fracturing it. If you plan on sticking with your spouse, then you're also stuck with your in-laws. There are key things that need to be set straight from the onset which will save you both heartaches later on.

There can be no divided loyalties. When you get married and start your own family, that's where your primary loyalty lies.

Good fences make good neighbours. Your in-laws need to be your neighbours and there needs to be really good fences. Set boundaries about when they are and are not invited into your lives.

If your in-laws are draining you, you may need to change the boundaries.

Reassure them that you are not closing them out; you are simply focusing on yourselves. Once you've set boundaries, talk to your parents about them. They're not as fragile as you may think.

The other woman in every man's life is his mother. If your husband starts with: "Well my mother does it this way”...you have got to lovingly discuss this with your husband and gradually get him to understand that is not your mother-in-law’s home, but yours.

If a wife has a problem with her mother-in-law for instance, it is the husband who needs to step in and help fix it. Likewise, if a husband doesn't see eye-to-eye with his in-laws, his wife needs to step in. The person with the primary relationship (the son or daughter, not the in-law) needs to be the messenger.

Negotiate with your own spouse the role that you want your in-laws to 133

We Still Do! have. Do not assume you are on the same page until you talk about it. Try not to criticize your spouse for his/her relationship with his/her parents.

It may only lead to more clinginess or complications.

You need to love your in-laws and have a rich and active relationship with them, but any time that you turn away from your spouse to resolve a marital relationship issue with them, that's a bad thing. If you have a problem in the marriage, you need to resolve it in the marriage.

Keep in mind that your in-laws only know what you tell them. If you go to them every time you're angry and frustrated and having problems in your marriage, they hear that, but they do not hear when you make up.

Parents can be a blessing to a married couple by offering love, wisdom, and encouragement. The Bible makes note of several supportive in-law relationships, namely Ruth and Naomi, Peter and his mother-in-law, and Jethro, who guided Moses.

Yet the abundance of in-law jokes and stories testifies to the fact that parents can also be a heavy burden for a couple to bear. The Bible also has an example of this. David's father-in-law, King Saul, tracked him down to try to kill him. And you thought you had problems!

Whether you have had them for months, or it has been many years, inlaw conflicts are certainly nothing new. Occurring in many forms, they tend to be ongoing issues that revolve around the couple as a whole. The first step toward finding a solution is to identify the problem and deal with it promptly.

Issues with parents-in-law arise when a parent's preference for their own 134

We Still Do! child over their child's spouse exists and is expressed, distance and hurt can result.

During a visit or phone call, parents may show more interest in their child's goings-on than in their spouse's life, or they may give more lavish gifts to their child, disregarding a spouse. These gestures of favouritism can lead a spouse to feel left out and not valued when around in-laws.

Some parents cross the line of responsibility and respect. Becoming too involved with the couple, they may meddle unintentionally, leaving the couple feeling controlled. Although they think they are acting lovingly, they are not allowing the couple enough breathing room.

Along these same lines of intrusiveness, some in-laws have difficulty letting go of their roles as parents. Instead of transitioning into a mutual adult relationship, they may offer unsolicited advice, criticisms, or even withhold approval if they disagree with the couple's preferences.

Although we are to care for our parents, there are times when couples should not become involved in the problems of their in-laws. For example, parents may impose on the couple to referee their arguments or try to get them to take sides. Or they may want the couple to either help a sibling that they cannot sort out or where they have been financially irresponsible, they may ask the couple to bail them out.

Taking responsibility for issues like these can be inappropriate and burdensome for any couple, especially for couples trying to start their life together.

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We Still Do! Overcoming In-Law Issues *** Perhaps you have attempted to "love them through it," or you have chosen to ignore them totally. Either way, you may have noticed that these types of in-law problems may not decrease with time. Many of the issues are generated from longstanding patterns that are rooted in their character.

This means that if you want to see improvement, you have to take the initiative and be firm.

First, find out if there really is a problem, or if it is merely your perception.

Sometimes we react to others based on our experiences, which can cloud our judgment. An introvert husband may see his in-laws as intrusive, when in fact, they are merely being social. To help gain a proper perspective, you may ask a trusted friend to observe and verify your perception of the situation.

After you have identified the problem, ask yourself how you might be contributing to it. Our Lord Jesus reminds us that we must first deal with our own actions before we help others correct theirs. Deal with any unloving attitude you might have. Beware of promoting a problem by being silent, compliant, or rationalising. By speaking the truth in love, we can foster and administer growth and healing.

Be Direct *** Be gently honest with in-laws. Make a commitment to put your marriage first, and your parents second. Couples should approach any in-law issues as a united front. Confront your in-laws gently, but directly.

Though you may need to involve your spouse, do not avoid dealing with 136

We Still Do! the problem personally. Let them know how you feel and that it gets in the way of being close to them. They may react with hurt, withdrawal, or anger. Or they may be surprised at what they learn, and thank you for letting them know.

Choose Your Battles *** Choose to end an issue by setting new limits or by simply adapting to it.

If the conflict creates havoc in your marriage, such as being publicly humiliated by an in-law, you and your spouse may want to negotiate how and when you spend time with in-laws. If the issue is simply annoying, then you may want to let it go and enjoy the healthier aspects of your relationship Strengthen Your Role As A Spouse *** Though you and your spouse love your parents, you should be more aligned with each other than with them. When a spouse isn't loyal to their mate, there may be a "leaving and cleaving" problem which violates the commandment that couples have been given.

This problem is exhibited in behaviours such as needing parental approval or respect, being afraid to confront parents, going to parents for self-image support, being emotionally or financially dependent on parents, or feeling responsible for parents' emotions.

If your spouse struggles with these issues, let him or her know how you feel and how his or her actions affect your sense of safety as a couple.

Encourage him or her to work through these issues by taking them to the Lord in prayer. Becoming responsible in your union often goes a long 137

We Still Do! way toward solving in-law problems.

Avoid having in-laws stay for extended periods of time in your home.

Having in-laws stay in your matrimonial home for extended periods of time should be carefully thought through.

It is not right for one spouse to impose this decision for whatever reason.

It must be by mutual agreement and for a reasonably short period of time.

The consequences could be grave if the impact of such lengthy stays is taken lightly.

Therefore, where possible, it should be discouraged except in extenuating circumstances. They will overstay their welcome and before it dawns on you, they begin to interfere between the two of you and in the affairs of your home.

Try solving your problems between yourselves as much as possible.

Avoid sharing the secrets of your household with friends or close relatives.

If you wish to have a blissful home, you need the wisdom, which comes from God to handle issues in your relationships. Therefore, in-laws should be seen as a growing point and not a groaning point.

Husbands, by giving your spouse and your marriage priority, you are choosing the adult role of being a husband over your role as a child in your parent's family. This gives your wife confidence in the marriage and encourages her to maintain good family ties.

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We Still Do! The Place Of Friends In A Marriage *** It is sad to see that some people bring best friends into the marriage to the extent that the relationship with their best friends is no different to when they were unmarried. In fact, these friends compete with the spouse for attention. I personally do not understand such relationships but strongly believe that they are unhealthy in any marriage.

When you marry, your spouse automatically becomes your best friend.

By this I mean that your spouse is the only one you can share your secrets with and not be ashamed. Genesis 2:25 states: “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame”.

There is no other human relationship that has been described in this way throughout the Bible, therefore, I believe that where you are in any other relationship other than the one which is covered by the marriage covenant, and you freely bare all with such a person, something is not right somewhere!

Such relationships must be re-examined in light of biblical standards.

Some people actually spend more time socially with friends than they do with their spouse. Ecclesiastes 9: 9 states: “Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun--all the days of futility. For that is your portion in this life and in your work at which you toil under the sun”.

In other words, your spouse is the foremost person you must spend quality time with. He or she is your God-given portion of enjoyment in 139

We Still Do! this life. Discussing your marital issues with a third party (be it friends, in-laws, etc) must not be something that a spouse should be quick to do.

The Bible says in Malachi 2, that the Lord alone was witness to your marriage.

Therefore, ALL matters should first be taken to God in prayer. There is not a single problem that God cannot solve. What often happens is that we are too impatient to wait on God for answers. We want the answer to come in a certain way and we always want it to come NOW! A little “passing through the fire” is too much for most to bear. But wisdom, the bible says in Proverbs 4:7 is “the principal thing”.

Washing your dirty marital linens in public could ultimately ruin your marriage and respect for your spouse. Communication in marriage is crucial in enjoying a harmonious relationship with your spouse.

Endeavour to have mutual friends. Let your friends be your spouse’s friends and vice versa. Make it a habit of going out as a couple when meeting friends. It is true that this may not always be possible but it is wiser to spend much more time together in the company of mutual friends than being on your own with friends. It will save you a lot of unnecessary hassle.

Let your friends know your boundaries in the relationship and the extent of interference that you can allow, if at all. They will respect your wishes if they wish to remain your friends and friends of the family.

Your friend cannot be more special or closer to you than your spouse because you are not “one flesh” with your friend!

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We Still Do! My Marriage Versus Theirs *** Never dare to compare your marital relationship to that of your friend because if you do, that will be the beginning of problems in your marriage.

No two human beings are the same and no two marriages are alike either.

There is absolutely no basis for comparison. Through wisdom, you build your home and in foolishness, you destroy it with your own hands.

The bible states that you can covet what is good but it is unwise to taunt or even threaten your spouse if they fail to strive to be like your friend’s spouse. It is unfair, cruel and extremely selfish to act in this manner.

There may be aspects of your relationship that can be improved upon but it will take mutual commitment for the desired change to happen. Do not nag, complain and sound ungrateful any time you open your mouth.

Thank God for what you have and be content. The Bible states in 1 Timothy 6:6 “And it is, indeed, a source of immense profit, for godliness accompanied with contentment (i.e. that contentment which is a sense of inward sufficiency) is great and abundant gain”.

Celebrate the strengths of your spouse and having prayed and committed it to God, try to overlook or rather tolerate the weaknesses. Over time, the good will prevail over the bad and those issues will be a thing of the past.

There is no matter that cannot be resolved through fervent prayer, communication and total surrender to God. Remember, nothing is impossible with God! 141

We Still Do! Our Lord Jesus says to us in Mathew 11:28-29: “Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy-laden and overburdened and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls”.

Luke 18:27 records this: “But He said, what is impossible with men is possible with God”.

Please pray this prayer with us now: Father, our marital union is of Your making and must reflect Your heart.

Give us great delight in each other and peace on every side as we let Your love join us together. Let us not consider what we are leaving but rather what we are stepping into with one another and with You. For Lord, You have said in Mathew 19:6: “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder or separate”.

May we spiritually discern which relationships bring life to our marriage and which ones seek to separate us from each other. For those that bring life, may we nurture them in all Godly wisdom and understanding.

May we receive the boldness to flee from all appearances of evil that may be thrown our way. This we ask fervently and in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ alone we pray ~Amen.

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Chapter Fourteen Only Believe…

An honourable and joyful marriage is possible, only when you make Our Lord Jesus Christ the foundation of your marriage. Our Lord Jesus tells us John 15:4-5: “Remain in Me, and I [will remain] in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself without remaining in the vine, neither can you [bear fruit, producing evidence of your faith] unless you remain in Me.]I am the Vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him bears much fruit, for [otherwise] apart from Me [that is, cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing”.

Even a marriage that seems dead today, can live again! Will you dare to trust God as you surrender your life and marriage to the Almighty God,

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We Still Do! the One who holds the keys to life and death. The God who does impossible things just as Luke 1:37 tells us: “ For with God nothing [is or ever] shall be impossible.”

Mark 9:23 also tells us: “Jesus said, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes”.

God can turn your life and marriage around and restore your joy. The Psalmist declares in Psalm 126:1-4: “When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream. Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them. The Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad. Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south”.

Like the Psalmist, you can also pray this prayer to God today, “ Turn again our captivity, O Lord, as the streams in the south”.

Maybe you have struggled to build your marriage in the past with the advice of friends, family members or with the help of counsellors.

We boldly and confidently announce to you today that Our Lord Jesus is the Chief Counsellor of life and He is the builder of every fruitful and joyful home. Psalm 127:1 tells us: “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain”.

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We Still Do! The Lord remains our victory and in Him alone we live, move and have our existence. Acts 17:27-29 states: “God intended that they would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. ‘For in Him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are His offspring.’ Therefore, being offspring of God, we should not think that the Divine Being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by man’s skill and imagination”.

Job 12:10 tells us: “The life of every living thing is in His hand, as well as the breath of all mankind”.What do you stand to lose if you decide to invite Jesus into your life and marriage today? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! On the contrary, you stand to gain much more than your human mind can imagine.

Jesus said in John 10:10 that “...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”.

John 1:12 also assures us: “But to as many as did receive and welcome Him, He gave the right [the authority, the privilege] to become children of God, that is, to those who believe in (adhere to, trust in, and rely on) His name”.

In some cases, wrong choices would have been made along the way.

Rejoice nonetheless that God is not like man! He does not see the way 145

We Still Do! man does. God assures us of this in Isaiah 55:8-9: “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts”.

In Romans 9:15, scripture tells us, “For God said to Moses, "I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose."

Faithful and trustworthy is our Lord Jesus Christ to Whom be ALL the praise, honour, glory and dominion forever and ever ~ Amen!

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About the Authors Charles and Valerie are co-visioners of the Honourable Marriages ministry, which was birthed from the Chosen To Give Life Ministries Ltd, a not-for-profit organisation established to raise godly women, children and marriages.

God has continually granted them opportunities for ministry across cities and nations to host marriage banquets, retreats and seminars and provide one-to-one counselling to couples.

They daily count it a privilege to serve God through the marriage ministry, as they trust Him to prosper this end-time vision and make them spiritually and intentionally fruitful. They continue to sow seeds of righteousness in marriages and pray for the restoration of troubled homes and establishment of godly marriages.

By the grace of God, they have been joyfully married for 25 years and their marriage is abundantly blessed with two double-portion children, Zachary and Juanita. Charles and Valerie joyfully and unconditionally serve as lay pastors of the Cornerstone African House of Praise in Singapore, under the spiritual covering and leadership of the Cornerstone Community Church, Singapore.

Other Books published by Charles and Valerie together or separately include “Honourable Marriages”, “My God Remembered Me”, “Chosen To Give Life”, “He’s Faithful To Complete It!”, “Your Latter Days Shall Be Greater!” and “A Faithful Man, Who Can Find?”.