INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING DO THIS

‘I’m so frustrated!’ Leah vented to me. ‘Every time we go on a date night, it’s always me that plans it. I’m the one who finds a place to go, who thinks of an idea, who puts it in the calendar, who gets the babysitter. I just want my husband to also plan special times for us, at least for my birthday or our anniversary. Yet every time I bring it up to him, he says to me, ‘But you’re so good at it - I trust whatever you come up with.’ Leah’s husband’s lack of planning had turned into a bone of contention in their marriage. Was this a situation where she just had to bite her tongue... and silently resent her husband’s lack of involvement in planning for special occasions?

We’ve all been in a situation where someone, whether it’s a spouse, a co-worker or a friend does something that bothers us and we aren’t sure. Do we say something, or do we bite our tongue?

Whilst we might think that we should just not say anything, biting our tongue isn’t always the answer. When we don’t address issues, they can fester and cause resentment in the relationship further down the line, such as when your spouse doesn’t put the car keys back where they belong and you spend time looking for them. You don’t say anything because you are trying to be nice, but inside you resent it! And then the next time you find yourself looking for the car keys because they aren’t in their place, you get really angry, until your anger is disproportionate to the deed. When faced with the blast of your wrath, your spouse may feel ‘Woah I didn’t see that coming!’

Imagine if there was a way to address issues and improve your relationship! Let’s see...

What’s a complaint?

When we have a complaint, what’s really hidden underneath it is desire. For example, when I complain that ‘You never put things away!’ I am actually trying to articulate my desire. Perhaps my desire is to have an uncluttered space, perhaps my desire is to be able to find things easily, or not to trip over things. Nobody likes hearing complaints; they aren’t very inspiring. Instead we must dig deeper and see what desire is actually hidden within the complaint, which we can then express in a way that inspires rather than annoys!

I would love!

We can do that by using an ‘I would love’ statement – e.g. ‘I would love to be able to find those car keys’. Instead of being negative, this opens the door to possibilities. Sometimes when we think of what we want, we think of the how, for example we think that we want the car keys to be put in their place. But why do we want them to be put in their place? What will we get? What will the end result be? The desire is to be able to find the car keys. What if your husband said to you – ‘I’ll buy you a key tracker so you’ll always be able to find the car keys right away?’ Then your desire is being honoured, albeit in a different way than you had in mind. It’s important to note that there is no ‘you’ in desire. For example, it’s very common to say, ‘I would love you to put the car keys back’, yet that’s just a demand on the other person. When there is a ‘you’ in the desire then we haven’t reached the root of what the desire is. What is the end goal that we want? When we are saying, ‘I would love you to put your phone down when I talk,’ what’s the desire that’s hidden there? What will you get if he puts the phone down? It is likely that the desire is that you want to feel valued or special, or to feel that what you’re saying is worth listening to. So the desire there is: ‘I would love to feel valued.’

Going back to Leah, if she were to explore the desire behind her complaint, she would find that it isn’t just that she wants her husband to plan the date. Would it really satisfy her if her husband asked his secretary to book somewhere for them to go? Probably not! Likely, her desire is that she wants to feel special and loved!

Get rid of expectation

Once we express our desire, we have to get rid of our expectation. It’s easy to express a demand as a desire - to say ‘I would love to go on holiday somewhere warm and sunny,’ and then get disappointed (or worse) when your husband doesn’t book that holiday right then and there! When we express our desire, we are opening ourselves up to possibilities but we are also getting rid of expectations. The last example of expecting a holiday wasn’t actually expressing real desire - the real desire would be what you are hoping to get from that holiday – a change of scenery, a break, or a chance to relax. When we express that desire without expectations then we are opening ourselves up to the possibility of having our desire honoured.

Does this mean that when we express our desire we will get what we want? Of course not!

Hashem knows exactly what is good for us and will direct our lives so that we get it (even if it’s not what we want!). within our power to make situations better. It’s an acceptance that the situation is right for you alone, and it is up to you to remember that what you are given is an opportunity for you to develop your soul and your It’s extremely helpful to live with the knowledge that everything that is happening in our life is from Hashem, and that everything is tailor-made for us and our neshama alone. Although this doesn’t mean that we can’t do what is relationship with Hashem and others.

Go on, try this – I’d love to hear if you gave it a try and to find out how it worked out for you! You can get in touch with me via Instagram @itsgilaross and you can listen to more inspiration on the Powerup Podcast on Spotify, Apple, Google and most podcast apps. Some of the ideas in this article are taken from Laura Doyle