What to do when someone dies eGuide

SEPTEMBER 2016

What to do when someone dies

Your practical guide to dealing with grief and loss Grief loved oneS funeral memorial

loss wills celebration of life

funeral director finances family dynamics loss

I just wanted to thank you so very much for everything that you did to make Mum's funeral so special… You treated Mum with such dignity and grace. I was so touched to see how you both gave so much of yourselves, with genuine feeling and love.

I know that Mum would have adored you both and I couldn't have felt more at ease, given I didn't have a clue what to do. Dad was so delighted with the whole service and the peace you have given him is something that will help him to reflect on, as time goes by. …Without your kind gentle guidance, I don't think I would have coped.You truly have a gift -the comfort you provided to our family and I am sure to countless other families, is such an important role. Please take great pride in the incredible work that you do - it is a very noble profession, that helps tremendously in the healing process.

– Victoria Jackson, February 2016

recious P memories

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one, having a caring professional to help you organise the funeral can make things a lot easier for you during this difficult time.

White Lady Funerals leading care and exceptional service will be there for your family when the time comes.

Speak to White Lady Funerals today about ensuring your peace of mind and relieving the emotional burden on your family at an already difficult time.

For more information, visit whiteladyfunerals.com.au or call 1300 656 550 White Lady Funerals is represented in WA by Mareena Purslowe funerals mareenapurslowefunerals.com.au

A

s well as dealing with your emotions when a loved one dies, there are so many practical things to be taken into consideration. A pragmatic and systemic approach will help proceedings run smoothly during this time of grief. So YourLifeChoices has, in conjunction with our sponsor White Lady Funerals, compiled this handy guide to lead you through the practicalities of dealing with the death of someone close.

We answer the many questions you will have and provide you with the information you need to understand the process of arranging a funeral. And it doesn’t end there, as we also explain the legalities of executing a will and how to cope with demanding family members.

By simplifying the choices you need to make and the obligations you have to fulfill, we’ll help you through this difficult time.

Debbie McTaggart Editor

Contents Who to notify when someone dies Helpful checklist to ensure everyone knows

4

Choosing the right funeral director Ensure you get the support you need

5

The importance of a funeral Don’t dismiss the chance to say goodbye

6

What to expect from a funeral director Your funeral director will ask you these questions

7

Navigating the execution of a will How the legal process works

8

Reflecting a loved one’s life Understand the varied options available

10

A funeral costs how much?

Knowing what a funeral can cost will save any surprises

12

5 8 10

Managing your grief: does time really heal? 13 Allow yourself the time to grieve

Coping with family dynamics 14 How to ensure arguments are kept at bay

Making your memories last Ways to make your loved one live on

15

Resources Useful resources at the click of your mouse

16

13 15

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

3

Who to notify when someone dies

A

If someone you love has died, you may be wondering what to do next.

Here is a helpful checklist of who to notify and when.

fter somebody dies, the personal, financial and legal arrangements can seem confusing and endless. Who do you need to notify?

Which call do you make first? How long do you have to complete the necessary paperwork?

This checklist will help you to get your thoughts in order.

Doctor – The first requirement is for a doctor to sign a certificate confirming the death. If the person died in a hospital or nursing home, the staff will take care of most of these procedural requirements. If the death occurs at home, contact the person’s doctor (or, if they don’t have a regular GP, contact the police).

Funeral company – Funeral arrangements cannot be completed until the above certificate has been signed and issued – once that is done, contact the preferred funeral director who will arrange the collection of the body.

“An obituary should be an exercise in contemporary history, not a funeral oration.” – Peter Utley Organ donation – If you know the deceased had expressed the wish to donate their organs, it’s important to move quickly as the donation process will need to happen soon after death. If this occurs in hospital, staff can check if the person is a registered donor via the Australian Organ Donor Register. Authorised medical staff can check this information at any time, from anywhere in Australia.

Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages – All deaths in Australia must to be registered with the state or territory’s births, deaths and marriage registry office. This is usually done by the funeral director, which will enable the issue of a death certificate. This is needed in order to manage the deceased person’s estate and financial matters.

Family and friends – Once the urgent tasks are completed, you may wish to start contacting close family and friends. Enlisting support from loved ones may help you deal with the responsibilities during a difficult time.

4

Legal resources – If the deceased had a will, you will need to get in touch with the executor, solicitor, or public trustee to get the ball rolling on these official matters. The funeral director should be able to offer guidance on what was pre-arranged.

Financial institutions and advisors – You will need to notify all relevant banks, credit unions, insurance providers, superannuation funds and any other institutions to close and settle accounts.

Centrelink will also need to be contacted regarding any payments or outstanding statements.

Personal accounts and identification – You may need to contact some or all of the following: - Australian Electoral Commission - Australian Taxation Office - Child Support services - Clubs (e.g. Return Services League, Rotary etc.)

- Department of Veterans’ Affairs - Employers - Health benefits fund - Health professionals (e.g. physiotherapist, dentist, optometrist etc.)

- Landlord or tenants - Local council - Medicare - Local post office - Religious or spiritual advisor - Social worker or home nurse - Telecommunications providers (e.g. phone, internet etc.)

- Utilities (e.g. gas, electricity, water etc.)

- Vehicle registration and licensing authorities.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

Choosing the right funeral director With many funeral directors to choose from, how do you ensure that you opt for the correct one to suit your needs?

O

rganising a service for your loved one is of great significance and yet, until the time comes, you don’t necessarily give it the thought it requires and deserves. Unless it’s already been organised, or you’ve previously co-ordinated a funeral, chances are you’ll be starting from scratch.

And at a time of emotional turmoil, having the right professional to help organise everything involved in a funeral lightens the load. But how do you choose?

Depending on the circumstances of the death of your loved one, you’ll usually be given the name of funeral directors through the medical or legal fraternity. If you’re the next of kin, it also means you’re probably the person most affected by the loss. Try not to make any rushed decisions and, although time may not seem on your side, you need to feel comfortable with the person you appoint to assist with the funeral arrangements. It’s important that they understand your cultural or religious beliefs and they are able to carry out the style of service you want.

A funeral isn’t for the person who has died – it’s about them. The skill of a funeral director is to create an authentic experience to help you celebrate the life of your loved one.

When you first contact a director, go with your gut feeling but also ask yourself: Is this someone I can work with? Are they willing to listen, offer suggestions and support? It’s good to be prepared with questions, such as:

• Does the company have a professional code of ethics with which you agree?

• Can you be involved with any culturally significant traditions when it comes to dealing with the body?

• Are you able to be with your loved one before the service, viewing, etc?

• How much input can you have into the service?

• Why do they think you should choose their company?

“It’s only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguishes one man from another.”

– Ernest Hemingway

You may wish to meet the funeral director in your home or a neutral place rather than a formal setting.

It’s also important to keep in mind that funeral directors are in the business of knowing what’s required as well as what’s possible. They can help with a range of less obvious services, including transportation of the body, death notifications, helping select a suitable venue for the service and organising the legal documents.

Remember the funeral will have a lasting impression on all who mourn and will miss your loved one, so it’s important you make the correct choice from the outset.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

5

The importance of a funeral The need for a funeral is being questioned more frequently as attitudes to death and dying become more pragmatic.

A

meaningful funeral, regardless of its structure, can have a positive impact on the process of grieving. Even researchers and psychologists recognise the importance of a funeral in not only assisting the grieving process by providing an opportunity to say goodbye, but also in reinforcing the fact that the death has actually happened.

Denial of a death is a common barrier to dealing with grief.

Arranging a funeral, or carrying out the documented wishes of a loved one, can also help to ensure you're not overcome and immobilised by the incredibly strong initial feelings of shock and disbelief. By having to actually make decisions, convey instructions and talk about the deceased means that denial of their death is near on impossible.

The actual viewing of a body in the coffin and It’s incredibly important to note that a funeral, even if indeed, the way in which a coffin is moved through various stages in the proceedings, it has been pre-arranged by the is all very symbolic, if confronting person who has died, is not for at the time. The viewing is your the deceased, it’s for those who have to carry on living without the last chance to say a private goodbye and shouldn’t be love and support of that special passed up. Having the coffin person. It’s about saying, “I’m carried by pallbearers who knew sad and I’m hurting and I should be allowed to grieve in anyway I the deceased is cognisant of – Gail Sheehy returning the support and care see fit”. the deceased has given others.

The focus of a funeral should be Even watching the coffin being taken for cremation about reflecting on the life of the deceased, while or burial gives finality to life, although your memories recognising the impact their death will have on the will remain forever. lives of others. It’s also worth bearing in mind that a funeral or celebration of someone’s life doesn’t Finally, a funeral gives people the chance to reminisce, to share their memories and grief and to need to be a formal or elaborate affair. While some recognise that you are not alone in your pain. It’s a faiths and religions have certain rites that are often adhered to, a simple gathering in a favourite spot, way of supporting family and friends through a very a backyard barbecue or a graveside service are all trying time and being able to tap into the support perfectly acceptable ways of reflecting a life. you may need yourself.

“People in grief need someone to walk with them without judging them.”

6

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

What to expect from a funeral director

Choosing a funeral director is vital to ensure you have the service you want but what will they need to know from you?

P

lanning a funeral can be a daunting task – emotions may run high and the pressure of making decisions may feel overwhelming.

Thankfully, a good funeral director can take the difficulty out of the process and offer comfort and support at a challenging time.

Before meeting with a funeral director for the first time, it’s useful to understand how the process works. Allow one to two hours for your initial meeting to talk through your concerns and needs – not every decision has to be finalised then, but there are some details that should be discussed: • The day, time and place for the ceremony.

Once agreed, this will allow family and friends to make arrangements for attendance.

• What type of ceremony? Will the service be officiated by a minister, priest, rabbi, etc, or will there be a celebrant or friend leading the proceedings?

• What will happen to the body? Is there a preference for cremation or burial?

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

• Costs and payment options. Your funeral director will provide a fully itemised estimate of fees related to your ceremony and will liaise with all service suppliers on your behalf. You will then receive one account and a copy of all agreed arrangements.

When you’re preparing to meet your funeral director, be sure to take the following: • a friend or family member for support • information for the Death Certificate • clothes for the deceased to be dressed in

• Viewing of the body. Would you like people to have access to view the body or only specified family and friends?

• How would you like the ceremony to run?

Who will lead the service and deliver the eulogies?

Would you like flowers, music, videos and catering? Are there any personal elements you wish to be included?

• Required documentation. It’s important to complete all documentation, including death registration.

• a current photo • payment method (e.g. credit card, debit card, cheque book etc.)

• any prepaid funeral plan documents • burial site reservation information, if applicable • a list of any questions you may have • details of family members who should be included in the proceedings Creating a plan will help you to simplify a difficult but necessary process, and will ensure you make the service as personal as possible.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

7

Navigating the execution of a will The death of a loved one is often the start of a complex legal process.

So here Rod Cunich guides you through the execution of a will.

What is probate?

Probate is a process where the executor nominated in your will applies to court to have the will validated, and the executor’s role formally recognised to enable him or her to administer the deceased estate and distribute assets.

What does probate involve?

• A court application seeking validation of the will (ie, a grant of probate), and • An accompanying affidavit executed by the executor, attaching a copy of the will and listing all the deceased’s assets and liabilities. This affidavit also summarises who are the beneficiaries and what has been left to them.

Once probate is granted, the executor named in the will can deal with the assets and liabilities of the estate. Organisations, such as banks and company share registries, will accept a copy of the grant of probate as proper authority for the executor to deal with the assets.

Is a grant of probate always required?

Probate is not required in every case, especially where: 1. The nature of the assets doesn’t require a grant of probate. For example: a) w here the only assets are personal items that pass by possession, b) where the assets are all owned as joint tenants and pass automatically to the survivor, c) where the assets are located in a state that permits their transfer without a grant of probate.

2. The estate is a ‘small estate’ and the parties involved (such as banks) agree to a transfer of the assets without a grant of probate. In some states (e.g. Queensland) the government policy has been to encourage the administration of estates without the formality of obtaining a grant of probate.

8

3. Legislation in the state in which the assets are located allows the executor to ‘elect’ to administer the estate rather than apply for probate. For example, New South Wales and Queensland have legislation that allows for such an election where the gross value of the assets in the estate falls below a prescribed amount.

What if you don’t have a will?

If you die without a legal will, the legislation in each state and territory has a formula that determines who will receive the estate, and this varies greatly from one to another. An application similar to that for probate has to be made and is called an application for ‘letters of administration’. The court will appoint an administrator who plays the same role as an executor.

If the will is challenged by someone, the probate application and the estate administration can be delayed.

What is process for obtaining a grant of probate or letters of administration?

Stage one The first stage involves gathering all the information about the deceased’s assets and liabilities and should include: • the value of the deceased’s property • the location of the deceased’s property • the requirements of banks, share registries, insurance and superannuation companies • whether the deceased was involved in court proceedings prior to his or her death that can be continued by the estate Where the deceased owned property jointly with others, or owned property through a company or trust, this property might not form part of the estate.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

Stage two Once the information is gathered together, an application for grant of probate is made to the courts. The application is usually dealt with administratively so no appearance in court is necessary. The courts can take as little as four weeks and as much as eight months to process the application.

Stage three Once probate is granted, the next stage of the process is the administration of the estate. This involves the executor/administrator collecting all the assets, paying all the debts and then distributing assets to the beneficiaries. The timing of the administration is again dependant on the number of assets and complexity of the assets in the estate.

The administration can take as little as a few weeks but in many cases can take 12 months or more. The most common period is about eight months.

If the will is challenged by someone, the probate application and the estate administration can be delayed until after the courts determine the dispute and this will take much longer, in some cases, years.

Does an executor need to engage a lawyer to obtain a grant of probate?

The short answer is ‘no’. The courts in each state and territory provide copies of the necessary formal documents and an outline of requirements at each supreme court. The procedures and technical

requirements vary from state to state, some being simple and others a little more complex.

Many executors prefer to engage lawyers to assist them to minimise the risk of unnecessary delays and mistakes, and for certainty or simply to minimise the stress associated with the process. Others engage lawyers because the estate is complex due to: • the nature of the will, and/or • the nature and/or extent of the assets, and/or • family dynamics, and/or • potential disputes.

My recommendation is that you consult a lawyer at the outset to determine what is involved and then make an informed decision about what, if any, part of the process you require a lawyer to assist you.

If you are preparing your will and wish your executor to engage the services of a lawyer in the process, you can express that wish in your will.

This information has been provided by Rod Cunich, author of Understanding wills and estate planning and should be considered general in nature – legal advice should be sought.

Rod can be contacted via his site Rodcunichlawyer.com, where you can learn much more, and also buy a copy of his book.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

9

Reflecting your loved one’s life

T

As a reflection of life, a funeral should epitomise the person that is being remembered – there’s no need to conform to traditional stereotypes.

hroughout history, all cultures observe rituals to respect the death of their people. A funeral, memorial service, send off, last hurrah, celebration, gathering – whatever we call it – is a final chance for people to feel a sense of closure by gathering together to say goodbye, share stories and memories, and grieve and comfort each other.

As heart-wrenching and difficult as a funeral service or memorial can be, it gives you something to reflect on and to hold in your hearts as you move forward.

It encourages you to say things about the person you’re missing – I love you, thank you for always being there for me, you were a great friend to me, I’ll never forget the time when we…

Each person is unique and therefore every funeral needs to be, too.

Although it is possible to organise a DIY funeral (providing the legal paperwork regarding the nature of death is settled), adding a myriad of decisions to an already overloaded grieving mind is a daunting task. This is where you applaud your loved one if they’ve already planned their own send-off. If not, you will need to go in search of a funeral director who can tailor the service to suit the personality of your loved one.

Depending on religion, culture and whether your loved one has left directives (e.g. body donation for medical research) one of the first decisions is that of type. Usually services fall within three broad categories – a traditional funeral where the body is present, a memorial service where ashes in an urn may be there or a commemoration where the body has already been taken care of.

Each person is unique and therefore every funeral needs to be too.

The service can be formal or more relaxed. There’s a growing trend towards environmentally friendly funerals, where everything is geared towards using biodegradable and recycled materials and tree planting becomes the legacy. Having a themed service also makes it personal. Maybe your loved one was into fishing, art or footy – this can be woven into the structure of the service. You could choose to have it on a beach, in a forest, on top of a mountain or even in your back garden. And you even have a choice of the time of day – sunrise or sunset, afternoon or morning? When making decisions, keep in mind the expected numbers, mobility of guests, travel arrangements, etc.

Involving people in the service is not only a way of adding the personal touch, it also keeps everyone busy. The MC or officiator could be a religious person, civil celebrant, family member or simply a friend. You also need to think about who is going to deliver the eulogy or eulogies. It’s a tough gig to pay homage to a lifetime in a few minutes, but whoever is chosen or steps up to the plate, will help transform the service into a reflection of the life of the person and the impact they had on others. Like light and shade, a eulogy will involve sadness and joy. Words can transform mourning into laughter and make you feel thankful for having known the person.

You might also like someone to recite a particular poem, sing a song or do a reading.

10

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

Music can transcend, inspire and create an atmosphere. Old favourites? Something modern?

Live music? Flowers are also a personal choice. Is there something specific that the deceased liked – a colour, a fragrance, a link with another country or a favourite from a personal garden? Alternatively, ‘no flowers’ may mean a donation to a meaningful charity instead.

Reminiscing through photographs is therapeutic so you could consider a slide show, video or good old photo boards and albums. Whether photos are incorporated into the actual service, order of service handout, or act as a focal point for congregating before and afterwards, people are drawn to visual mediums. Collecting suitable images also acts as part of the grieving process – remember the old adage, ‘every picture tells a story’.

whether Uncle Joe has an empty glass or if there’s enough cake to go around. Don’t underestimate the value of the person who says: “Please let me know if I can help you in any way”. Politely accepting the offer will be one of the best decisions you’ll make.

Cremation or burial is a difficult decision and one that needs consultation with significant family members. If you decide on a burial, you will also need to consider where will the final resting place be and what sort of headstone is required. With a cremation, the ashes will result in a different range of decisions down the track. You may wish to consider placing them in a memorial garden.

Whatever, wherever and however you plan the service for your loved one, it’s your chance to say goodbye and it should be cherished.

If a casket is involved in the service, what, if anything will be placed on top? A footy scarf? A collection of artwork from grandchildren? Or an equally treasured possession? You could even personalise the coffin using a service such as LifeArt. Offering refreshments after the ‘formal’ part is a welcome relief. After the tumultuous build up to the day, it offers a time to unwind in the company of people who care for you and will miss your loved one. If there’s one thing you do for yourself at this stage, make sure you can relax and not worry YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

11

A funeral costs how much?

Unless you’ve had to organise a funeral before, you may not be clear on what it may cost.

W

hen it comes to organising a funeral, the costs can quietly build up behind the scenes – particularly if the funeral hasn’t been prearranged. According to MoneySmart, an average funeral can cost anywhere between $4000 and $15,000, but where does all that money go?

Preplanning and prepaying your own funeral will ensure you have the send off you want and your loved ones can dedicate their time to reflecting on your life, rather than worrying about how they will cover the expense.

There are some costs that, regardless of the type of funeral you choose, you will have to pay. These are the funeral directors professional fees, which include arranging all the necessary paperwork and approvals, and a coffin. A coffin is required whether you opt for a burial or cremation, and of course, the more elaborate, the more expensive this can be.

“Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship.”

The other costs are largely discretionary and depend on the choices you make, but can include: • flowers • announcements • urn • memorial, such as head stone • burial plot • musicians, • celebrant or religious officiator • attendance books • order of service printing • venue hire for the wake • food and beverages As you can imagine, it’s easy for the costs to escalate, however, working with your funeral director will ensure that you are able to realise your wants as well as staying within your budget.

12

– Benjamin Franklin

Financial benefits of prepaid funerals • You pay today’s price for the prepaid service you choose, which protects you and your family from inflation.

• You are also taking care of an important future cost, which means loved ones won’t be burdened with concerns about finances in the tumultuous time after you are gone.

• The funds you pay for a prepaid funeral are held in trust, until the service is needed, and there is no risk of default.

• The value of the funeral services you select are exempt from deeming under Age Pension assessment and you can even pay by instalments.

If there is no prepaid plan in place, then, in the end, just do your best to delicately balance the deceased’s wishes with what you can afford.

Remember, you may also be eligible for financial help through Centrelink.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

Managing your grief: does time really heal?

Whether it’s a sudden loss or the result of a long illness, the grieving process is an important part of moving forward.

W

hen you lose someone close to you, the key is to understand that everyone is different and there’s no ‘right’ way to grieve. And no matter how you grieve, it’s very real and you need to give yourself time to heal.

After the passing of a loved one, feelings of ‘this can’t be really happening’ are common. Denial is your brain’s way of blocking out things that you simply can’t deal with at the time. You may feel like you’re in a daze with everything happening around you. It’s also common to feel angry, but you can’t change what’s happened, you can only respond.

“Grief is the price we pay for love.”

– Queen Elizabeth II

Tears are cathartic and release stress, yet sometimes they just don’t come. It’s worth remembering that the number of tears shed isn’t an indication of how much you miss your loved one.

Surrounding yourself with people that you feel comfortable with helps alleviate the pain. You may want to talk or you may feel withdrawn. It’s sometimes the smallest of things that can help – a

gesture, a knowing look, a simple phrase. Opening up about your loss to someone you trust is a way of being honest to yourself.

The rituals surrounding your loss will be ongoing.

Paying respect to your loved one through a funeral service is obviously the initial focus, but down the track there will be anniversaries, birthdays and Christmases. You’ll develop your own ways to continue to commemorate your loved one. Think about how they would want you to be – how they would want you to move forward, to be happy and to live your life to the fullest.

Understanding that what lies ahead will be different to how it was before is an important step in accepting what’s happened. Joining a support group, going somewhere you’ve never been, or taking up a new hobby may help you break the interminable feelings of grief, but most of all, accept support when it’s offered.

And, if you’re finding it hard to adjust to life without your loved one after what you feel is a reasonable length of time, you may need to seek professional help. Your GP, a psychologist or counsellor can guide you in coming to terms with your grief and acknowledging that life does go on.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

13

Coping with family dynamics Dealing with the different personalities and demands of family members after a death can be tough, so how do you avoid unnecessary confrontation?

F

amilies. Oh yes, they can be complicated.

And during a time of grief, you can suddenly be faced with the added stress of conflict, lack of direction, isolation or a dose of sibling rivalry.

It may be that the passing of a loved one brings up unresolved issues that have been simmering underneath the surface or new problems that seep out of crevices of the ‘rocks’ you thought were solid.

of assets, legal requirements and, of course, the number one cause of family disputes – money.

Whether your family is large, small, blended, nearby or overseas – communication is the key. If there’s a medical power of attorney, they are in charge of endof-life decisions and in most cases the next of kin takes the lead with funeral arrangements. However, as airtight as a person’s end-of-life and funeral directives might be, there’s still potential for problems.

The mere thought of ‘who’s in control’ can send families into a spin. If the dearly departed Making a plan of how things left their end-of-life wishes, move forward keeps everyone you can work through the list on the same page. You systematically, alleviating extra should consider, who are the anxiety in what is already a stakeholders? Direct bloodline stressful situation. However, relatives only? What about without direction, families can stepchildren, stepparents, – Unknown feel like a rudderless boat – a lifelong caring friend? In there’s so much to organise complex situations, it might and many adjustments to be made. Fuelling a family be necessary to have a spokesperson representing feud creates a lose/lose situation. But how can different groups. Maybe set aside a certain time disputes be managed or better still, resolved? to sit down together and discuss how decisions are going to be communicated. If there’s already a Recognising that emotions are heightened during the breakdown in a relationship, or some decisions are grieving process is a good starting point. If there’s just too tough, a professional mediator or neutral a time to adhere to the old adage, ‘think before you person can help sort through disputes. speak’, it’s now. Following the death of a loved one there are decisions that require immediate action and Pacts such as not airing grievances until after the others that evolve with time. Funeral arrangements, funeral, writing down (for your eyes only) what’s notifying friends and family, care of dependents and bothering you or thinking about how your loved one pets and sorting through personal belongings all need would feel if they saw the family squabbling, can all attention. And then there’s the sale/redistribution help to put things in perspective.

“We argue, we fight, we even stop taking to each other at times. But in the end, family is family…”

14

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

Making your memories last When a loved one dies there is often a real need to ensure their memory lives on.

In today’s digital age, the possibilities to do so are endless.

C

reating memorials to those we have lost is a trait we humans have practiced for thousands of years, and to this day, cemeteries and memorials still play a deeply significant role in our lives. However, memorials are not just the physical material of which they’re made – e.g. stone, bronze, glass and the like – but much, much more: they represent history, emotion, tribute and a legacy of social customs.

Memorials offer a way for people to put thoughts and feelings into a physical, more tangible form. This helps with the grieving process, as people may feel it is more acceptable to express emotions.

In the modern world, there is no shortage of ways in which you can remember your loved one, you’re really only limited by your imagination. If you need a little inspiration, you might wish to consider some of these ways below:

“Memories of our lives, of our works and our deeds will continue in others.”

– Rosa Parks

An online memorial A virtual memorial can be handy, especially if you need to make the memorial accessible to family and friends spread over the globe. This way they are not limited by their location to pay their respects or connect with others who knew the deceased.

To start an online memorial, sites such as HeavenAddress, allow you to create a personalised memorial page for your loved one. You can add photos, memories and even a few funny anecdotes.

You can then share with family and friends and ask them to convey what that person meant to them.

A physical memorial This is a more traditional way to memorialise a loved one, but there is a growing number of options available. The memorial can be as personal as you wish and can accommodate cultural and religious needs. It could be something as simple as a chair or lawn burial to something more stately, such as a

gazebo or mausoleum. And even if a cremation has taken place, placing them in a memorial garden will ensure they have an everlasting resting place.

A memorial in words and pictures Grief is very personal. For some, memorialising a loved one is done internally and individually. If this is your preference, you might wish to put together a photo book with your favourite images, stories and memories. This way you’ll always have your loved one close and, if and when you feel ready, you can share with those who also cared about the deceased.

If you are interested in finding out more about memorials and why they are important, you can find a host of information at www.mymemorial.com.au.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016

15

Resources Dealing with grief Published by: Indigo Arch Pty Ltd Publisher: Kaye Fallick Managing Editor: Debbie McTaggart Copy Editor: Louise Baxter Contribution by: Jocelyn Pride Designer: Word-of-Mouth Creative Phone: 61 3 9885 4935 Email: admin@yourlifechoices.com.au Web: www.yourlifechoices.com.au All rights reserved, no parts of this book may be printed, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, recording or otherwise, without the permission in writing from the publisher, with the exception of short extractions for review purposes.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER No person should rely on the contents of this publication without first obtaining advice from a qualified professional person. This publication is distributed on the terms and understanding that (1) the publisher, authors, consultants and editors are not responsible for the results of any actions taken on the basis of information in this publication, nor for any omission from this publication; and (2) the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, financial, professional or other advice or services. The publisher and the authors, consultants and editors expressly disclaim all and any liability and responsibility to any person, whether a subscriber or reader of this publication or not, in respect of anything, and of the consequences of anything done or omitted to be done by any such person in reliance, whether wholly or partially, upon the whole or any part of the contents of this publication. Without limiting the generality of the above, no publisher, author, consultant or editor shall have any responsibility for any act of omission of any author, consultant or editor.

Copyright Indigo Arch Pty Ltd 2016

16

Understand the process of grieving for a loved one and access general grief and loss information. Visit Mygriefassist.com. You can also access specific fact sheets and explore the topics of grief – Mygriefassist.com/resources-factsheets

Remembering a loved one A memorial is an important way to remember someone close and there are many options available – the choice is yours. Visit Mymemorial.com.au

Financial assistance A death in the family can often bring added financial pressure.

Government assistance may be available. Visit HumanServices.gov.au

Do funerals matter?

As people become more pragmatic about death the question of the value of a funeral often arises. To find out the reasons why funerals still have a place, visit Whiteladyfunerals.com.au

Leave your legacy Making a will doesn’t always have to be complex. To find out more about what you need to consider, you can purchase Understanding wills and estate planning by Rod Cunich.

YourLifeChoices Grief and loss: What to do when someone dies September 2016