Sometimes you are just THAT friend...
'If they want to they will.'
This statement has been used a lot when it comes to heterosexual relationships. And yes, you and I have tapped into it To be fair, it is not incorrect. People show up for the people they love. Add to that, they show up the way the other person understands and appreciates. It's beautiful to watch and experience
But recently when this rang in my head it was about a friendship I felt a tinge of frustration because I realised that every time we spoke, I would have started the conversation. I would have gone the extra mile to check in on them. Yes, when I do, the conversation goes deeper than just the hello's but it bothered me so much.
My brain went into overdrive and I was making decisions such as, 'I am never looking for them again!' I wanted my silence to ring so loud that they picked up their phone to check if I was alive. I felt like I was worth so much more than being the friend who chased them. I wanted the chase to be just as equal. It is not an unreasonable ask, right?
You are right it is not. But I realised how hypocritical I was being. There are friendships where I am just the same. I too do not speak to or look for them as frequently as they do if at all.
And I am willing to bet that they feel what I feel every time they miss me and realise they HAVE to be the first to message or call me. The shame I felt could have swallowed me whole (it did, for a whole minute)
This little scolding moment made me realise why these friendships exist. The truth is not everyone fits into the same friendship 'group.' The same way we rank our friends in our lives is the same way other people are ranking us in their lives. It doesn't make the love any less, it is just a difference in the bonds we create.
For example, the friend who calls me only ever calls when they need advice from me. It used to bother me because I felt like they took so much from me without filling up my cup in return. Then I realised, I was looking at it all wrong I am the person they trusted with their issues. They felt safe enough to pour out to me.
Editor’s note
What a year! It has been a roller coaster, I’ve had many highs and lows. There are days I wondered if there was a point in carrying on with this newsletter Moments of doubt happen to the best of us And I hope just like me, you kept going and trusted that it will all make sense one day. I trust that it will all come together for you and I.
Nobuhle N Nyoni, Y&O Founder& Editor
Young & Oversharing is designed for young women figuring it out one mistake at a time. My goal was to create a space of pure vulnerability. I wanted to be comfortable enough to make mistakes and we could pick each other up with sound advice.
So far this is what it has been for me and a hundred other Oversharers. We have crossed paths in the comments section and had fat chats. We have met in Notes and in my email inbox too A big shout-out to everyone who has added to my journey with Young & Oversharing.
I called and you answered, this has warmed my heart and given me the strength to carry on. I can not thank you enough. As we all prepare for a new year I want to encourage you to make the call, your people will answer. Be a narcissistic dream chaser and do not be sorry about it
That’s all from me this year, I’ll catch you next year!
To calling on our dreams, chasing them and winning!
Sometimes you are just THAT friend...
I lost nothing by filling that space in their life So I accepted it and sat in that spot very comfortably (with boundaries).
Sometimes you are the light that someone else needs. The problem is we are so accustomed to feeling used that we shake people off instead of seeing their needs. The unfortunate truth is, as women, we are incredibly selfish It takes actual effort to step out of ourselves and see the other side of the story Girl, step out and be the light because I guarantee you, someone else is standing as your light too.
All friendships aren't equal. That's just life! Now get off your high horse and celebrate the beautiful and unique friendships you have. Text them when you miss them. Set up dates when you are in their city. Send them a birthday gift and maybe they will send you one too. Just live life and love as much as you can You give love, you get love
Remember to STEP OUT OF YOURSELF. (Note to self)
To loving friendships and shining our light. *clink clink*
You need to grieve their dreams...
I was in bed (yes, so much thinking and feeling happens there), feeling something I couldn't articulate. All I knew was that it was unpleasant. It felt inconvenient to start my morning with such heavy energy, so I took a nap I know I am not the only one who does this, so pack up that judgment.
One hour later, I woke up, and this feeling had not left. At this point, I could not keep eating into my day with naps, so I got on with my day. It feels like that's what most adults do, honestly. We get on with the day even when it feels hard. I ticked productivity off my list for the day. Inevitably, night came And in its stillness, with the buzz of a to-do list gone, I couldn't distract myself from these feelings, so I turned off my TV show, put my phone on silent, and questioned my feelings.
What came forth were feelings of shame I looked into my life and found that there was nothing tangible that I could present for people (read family members) to celebrate me. Yes, I started a blog with over 20K views per year, so what? Yes, I had written articles for prominent online publications, and? Of course, I had designed websites for big and small organisations, but did it matter?
There were people with 'meaningful' accolades like certificates and degrees from recognisable institutes around me, and all I had were online course certificates I quickly realised that in the African set-up, I was one of the people who wouldn't be considered a decision-maker because I was not successful enough.
You need to grieve their dreams...
It felt like all I had was dust, and I had yet to do the 'right thing.' What was the right thing in this instance? The answer to this question made me realise that it had nothing to do with me. The 'right thing' referred to the assumed aspirations that I had attached myself to. Success was painted for me by others, and subconsciously, that painting was still in my gallery I failed to recognise the success I was living in because that wasn't the one expected of me. That broke my heart.
I never imagined that I would grieve dreams that were never mine to begin with. Yet, it is what I needed to do for my dreams to take centre stage. The grieving process is odd, and it sucks just as much. As I took down this brightly painted piece of art, I heard the sounds of celebration fade away. It registered that I may never get the desired celebrations. That desire was the reason behind holding on to those dreams as tightly as I did.
It was over, and I felt sad. I wished I could convince these people that I was doing important work I wanted them to understand the inexplicable joy I feel when I write or design a website. I just wanted them to sing praises of how I am proudly a student of the internet who found the green patch of grass during a dry season. I wanted them to take the front-row seats in my version of a beautiful life, but that was not up to me.
Neither is it up to you You can't control what people feel about you and your choices, but you can control how you live. So, Oversharer, are you choosing to cling to dreams that do not serve you out of the desire to be counted and celebrated? Or is this your season of grieving and shining in your light?
To silencing dreams that were never ours and chasing ours *clink clink*
Don’t talk to yourself like that
ou're so mean when you talk, u were wrong change the voices in your head, u instead" - Pink * Fucking Perfect
n very cruel to my body and myself. I or longer than usual, searching for . I have compared myself to other ered why I have been dealt the cards e questioned if I will ever be the girl o be. Or will I forever be invisible?
n it needs to do better. I tell my new home because I don't want it re days I laugh at myself for calling those days, I fish for compliments t, in turn, validates my crazy myself, 'Yes, you are ugly. Always n't it?
n what has been happening. In 2023, I weight loss journey seriously I was where most of my clothes didn't fit, and way from struggling to buckle my ere cracking way more than they too. I was not too fond of the state I had to change a few things
g thing was exercise. So I started s a week. It was hell in the beginning. hten up, and my heart would threaten d be out of breath a kilometre into the ing, and it became easier every week. to watch my body change.
e it is working, but I am now at the k I look uneven I promise you there is escribe it than that My legs have rmed, my hips are back, and the bunda e (yet to become earth-shattering).
Don’t talk to yourself like that
My upper tummy has shrunk, back rolls are dow (very stubborn babe), but the lower belly is still don't look like Blobby from Hotel Transylvania a but I am not where I want to be either.
On the flip side, my skin has been acting up beca moisturiser I was using disappeared from the sh turns out Catrice discontinued it. I haven't been find anything my skin likes. Right now, my skin it belongs on the Pimple Popper show. Maybe th of an exaggeration, but I will stick by it.
I stopped myself the other day and realised that become the people I have called out for body-sha me. Their words had become mine. And that sca because I never wanted to be them. Until that m had not realised that I had carried their words w long enough to own them But I knew it was tim disown them. I am learning to be kinder to myse I do, I will nod my head to Pink's fucking perfect
To keeping this song on repeat until we love our with no conditions!
Is it you they are dating?
"Where is THAT girl? That's the gir with."
"She is right here."
I never understood it then, but I ge interaction above happened with more than once. She always said t at a specific photograph of me tha I met her
At the time, I thought she was refe weight. I had gained a little (read a since the photoshoot. Now I realis about the version of me she had p head. She was looking for a Nobuh inside me and was slowly getting f absence. When I served myself to quite like it, and I guess she didn't it to me So she stuck it out, but I th out long before we called it quits Damn!
Oversharer, are people dating you or their version of you?
This light bulb moment made me realise how easy it is to assume character and personality onto someone And we do it all the time We look at people and say things like, 'That nigga is lightskinned, he will break your heart but give you the best D!' We use people's looks and mannerisms to conclude who they are before getting to know them. And that is how we miss out on the best parts of people Put that painting brush down and focus on the person that's in front of you.
The ex in question once said, 'You show up as a therapist and not my girlfriend. You need to stop that '
Is it you they are dating?
Keep in mind that I have never been a therapist, nor have I studied to be one. She said this because I listened to what she would share with me and pointed out how her past affected her present I gave what I thought was sound advice when she asked for it, and she didn't like it. I preferred talking things out to the dramatic exits, coupled with calling me out of my name. A part of her believed that toxicity was a sign of love, and maybe my big-ass eyes made her think I had that in me. I don't know.
I know when we meet people, we make assumptions about them. It is pretty normal. The mistake is holding onto the picture your imagination has painted and trying to force that narrative onto the other person. It completely takes away from the relationship. A part of feeling safe in a relationship is being able to be yourself. It's in knowing that you can randomly break into dance with no music on, and your partner will capture the moment and call you crazy. It's in baring the ugly parts of you and being met with an embrace.
My relationship with my ex ended for many reasons, but one of them was the fact that I couldn't be me. She almost convinced me that I was wrong for loving the way I love. I felt trapped in a cycle of misunderstandings because I was being the person she didn't want me to be. I was playing the wrong script, and I grew tired.
Listen to what people say. Sometimes, they are just unhappy that you aren't who they wanted you to be, and that is not your fault. It's ok to walk away from the situation. Someone out there wants you and nobody else. That someone is waiting!
To leaving spaces that can't accommodate us and finding joy in the ones that do! *clink clink*
Let's talk about the sexy and not so sexy! The Fat & Horny Podcast, sponsored by Adventures From, is a space to learn about sex and sexuality from fat women's lenses. Each guest brings their experiences, values, and beliefs, making each conversation authentic to self. You will laugh, cry, question the world and learn something new with each episode. Press play, drop a comment and leave a rating!
Someone is waiting for your creation
"When you started creating, had you already defined your community, or did that happen during your journey or somewhere after some success?"
"Nobuhle, you need to leave people alone. Leave people alone and JUST do the work! You are holding on to this community idea because you do not want to do the work."
What you just read is an interaction that happened between a very successful creator and me The creator had just shared their journey as a creator, and we were all impressed by her work. As all events go, there was a Q&A session. The question highlighted above was my second one regarding community (audience). Before I knew it, the speaker was a bit louder than before, and the tone had changed. My brain received that as a scolding of some sort, and it left me a little perplexed.
However, this interaction left me with two lessons.
1.You do not know who you are speaking to
This one goes out to all my girls who get speaking engagements in the creative world or wherever. Keep in mind that you are talking to strangers, and boundaries are important in such settings. Watch the words that you say In the response I received, there was an assumption that I was NOT putting in any work. How did a question about defining a target audience reflect on my work ethic?
I remember being very tempted to lay out the work I put in as a creative I wanted to fight for my honour because, over the years, I have worked my ass off. I have fallen off the wagon and gotten back up. I felt both insulted and demeaned. My defences were up, but as usual, I laughed it off with rage sitting at my throat. She taught us a lot in that hour but left a bitter taste in my mouth It almost wiped out the knowledge she had shared with us.
Someone is waiting for your creation
The point I am driving at is, do not get personal with people. When sitting on a panel or standing before an audience, educate with kindness. It is ok to pause and think about something before responding right away. Ask follow-up questions to understand better if need be. Unless the event theme is personal experiences, do not speak on people's lives based on your assumptions.
2. I am because you are
In the Ndebele language, there is a saying that goes, 'Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu,' which means I am because you are. The idea that one can create without an audience in mind is flawed to me, and I stand on that. Every successful business has a defined target audience
After the session, I questioned if I was crazy for asking questions about defined audiences. I later laughed because I realised that the organisation that put the event together had its target audience defined in its name, African women. This very newsletter already has a defined audience, 'young women figuring it out one mistake at a time.'
I was not wrong to ask, nor am I wrong for knowing who I want to speak to. As humans, we aren't designed for isolation We need community, and spaces to belong to, and I hope we do away with the shame of searching for them and creating them. Slowly, we are driving ourselves into extreme isolation in the name of being individualistic badasses. STOP!
The gag is that not having a defined audience delayed my success. I started projects and stopped midway. I didn't know who I wanted the message to reach, which made it harder to create. It felt like I was screaming into the abyss, hoping someone would scream back. And that is why I would not encourage creatives to build without a defined community/audience
Someone is waiting for your creation
Our journeys will be different, and that is ok. If the idea of defining an audience stifles your creativity, leave it alone and do what works. I am sure, eventually, your community will define itself, and you will fine-tune your craft to serve your community. Sometimes, we define our target audience, and the response comes from people different to those we expected. In such cases, we either redefine our audience or tweak our content to include the new-found community. It is all a part of the process.
Reminder: People are waiting for your story.
To creating, finding our communities and being kind! *clink clink*
What are you doing behind closed doors?
self-love like it's easy to do, hat remains true is how sh through the veil of continue to love yourself. A k, I was talking to my thenaid, 'I don't see the self-love ve for yourself. Your space ss, and you always promise hing and do the other '
e, 'I do love myself. I dress n I walk, I have so much ople can not ignore my
realised we barely scratch en discussing self-love. We t and measured it by other ptions We give ourselves when we think we put I will be the first to say it onnect the two. We live in a we are always playing to a n skip the judgment It match the rest of the stand out in a little corner.
Playing to the script gets suffocating, though. There were days when I would feel like all I needed was a moment to scream in the woods. To stand in the middle of nowhere alone, surrounded by nothing but the echoes of my voice and rustling trees. My voice didn't exist in my head cause everyone else's was so loud I hated being in that place I am still on my way out, but I would like to share what self-love has looked like for me in the last couple of years.
What are you doing behind closed doors?
Forgiving myself - Realising we all don't know what we are doing may have saved my life. Being a recovering people pleaser, I tend to be very hard on myself for making a mistake. It could be at work, with my partner, family member or a friend. I kick myself until my toes bruise and find myself starting to breed feelings of self-hate
Nowadays, I quickly remind myself that it's ok to feel horrible without hating myself. I will kick and scream, then let go. There is no way to get past it without going through the emotions. So I allow it, but never for too long. Too long is always a mistake.
Keeping the promises I make to myself - We are so comfortable with breaking our hearts, and that has to STOP! When I start talking myself out of a promise I made, I ask myself, 'So you have chosen to disappoint yourself?' That always reminds me that I have to show up for myself so other people can show up for me, too. I haven't gotten it right every time, but I am much better at it.
Allowing myself to be bored and rest - I used to believe in being booked and busy. There are seasons where my day would start at 3 am and end at 8 pm. I thought working myself that much made me a respectable person. I believed it earned me the title of 'hardworking woman.' Do you know what that was? A lie, that's what it was. I broke parts of my brain that I didn't know I could My body gave up on me several times, and I couldn't find the grace to give myself. I attributed everything that was happening to me to laziness, so I pushed even harder.
Baby, rest is a part of the process. Give yourself that moment to just lay on the couch and daydream until you fall asleep Watch that scripted reality TV show and laugh out loud It is alright to take a break.
Spending my money responsibly - When I started making decent money, I underspent it. I believed that taking care of my bills was the only responsible way to spend money, so even buying myself an ice cream cone was so hard for me to do Then I got fed up with not giving myself what I wanted despite working so hard and became an overspender. I would do whatever I wanted and not have money for emergencies set aside, which made me want to underspend again. All the while, I was ignoring the middle ground. I started making monthly budgets that included bills, savings and my desires. Best thing I ever did!
What are you doing behind closed doors?
Learning new things - If I find something that interests me, I am learning about it. There is shame in trying new things, and we need to shake it off. There isn't a limit to what you can learn or try, nor is there an age to stop. We are here to live, so do it!
Going where I am wanted - This may as well be one of the most important ones for me. I know when I am not wanted, and you do too. I don't use this in friendships and relationships only. I apply it everywhere. If I go to a restaurant and notice that I am being treated differently for whatever reason, I will leave. I am not fighting anyone to spend my money on their establishment Count me out
A few months back, I enquired about pricing and services at a gym close to where I live. They kindly instructed me to email them for full details, and I did. Days passed with no response, so I sent a followup email, but they still didn't respond I knew what that meant, and I did not push any further It saves me so much heartache to step aside when the evidence is clear that I am unwelcome. There are places, relationships and friendships designed for me, and that is where I will plant my love and money
I believe self-love happens when we are alone behind closed doors. And when done right, it reflects in the way we engage with other people. If the saying, 'You teach people how to love you,' is true, then we have to become masters at loving ourselves.
To loving ourselves to death and never backing down! *clink clink*
When will you stop abandoning yourself?
There is thinking of other's needs, and then there is you and I We have taken it one step further and forgotten that we have needs, too. Somehow, we have managed to get ourselves to a place where we are so sure that we do not matter as much. We have convinced ourselves that we are better off serving others because that is where our joy comes from. Oh, baby, that is absolute BULLSHIT!
Self-abandonment: The intricate art of abandoning our needs, wants, and thoughts to keep others happy. We, like butterflies, morph into who we need to be to keep an image up (Maybe butterflies weren't the correct comparison, but you get it, right?)
If you are reading this and thinking, 'That's not me,' let me ask you a few questions.
How often have you taken blame for something because you are avoiding conflict?
When last did you hide your feelings to avoid ruffling feathers?
Are you the perfect friend/ partner/ sibling who never lets anyone down?
If you couldn't count the number of times you took the blame, hid your feelings last week, and are obsessed with perfectionism, welcome to the club! Self-abandonment is a learned behaviour meaning you can unlearn it But where did we get it from?
There are multiple ways to adopt this behaviour, but one of the common ways is our feelings and emotions being ignored at a young age Another common cause is when we are forced to bargain for love and affection by behaving a certain way or achieving set goals.
An excellent example is being forced into a parental role at a young age. I know my firstborn girlies understand this one very well. Children aren't meant to be given such big responsibilities, but when it happens, it forces them to cater to their siblings whilst abandoning themselves. Another example found in most African households is when parents expect older siblings to give up their belongings, space or time to the younger siblings.
You will hear them say, 'You are the older one. Give the child.' In doing so, they communicate that the older child's needs, feelings and attachment to things aren't valid. Later in life, they don't know how to show up for themselves or express their feelings and needs to people.
When will you stop abandoning yourself?
P.S. They are us. We are them.
When I was younger, I would share my dreams with loved ones. I wanted to be a singer, but someone crushed that dream when they said, 'You can't sing.' Their voice rang in my head whenever I tried to sing, and it choked me up. Then, I shifted from that to fashion design but was told I needed to find something else to do because I was leading my little sisters down a path of mediocrity. There seemed to be nothing that I did or worked towards that was worth the praise, love or affection I craved
I saw how other children were praised and awarded for being who they were expected to be, and I wanted that, so I tried to be everything else but being the creative I am. I considered being a banker, nurse, and merchandiser. I took a business class that I have never used to date Then I found myself exhausted from dipping in and out of shoes that weren't mine, but the praise came along, so I tried to hold on until it hurt too much. I let go.
I decided to use my creative gifts. I was happier. The downside was I still believed that going out of my way was the answer. And that manifested in multiple ways. I was too understanding when people couldn't pay what I quoted When they would share stories of how they had dreams and not enough money, I would cave. I woke up one day underpaid and overworked. I became a workaholic because I hoped that even though I had taken a path farther from what was expected of me, it would count if I succeeded. WRONG!
I helped loved ones when I couldn't afford to because I wanted to prove I was worth loving. Even when I knew what was right for me, I second-guessed my decisions because it felt like everyone else knew better than me. So, I sought reassurance. When I would achieve something, it never felt worth the celebration. I felt like I needed to do more or better. Let's not talk about the times I made mistakes. Forgiveness of self was unavailable.
I am not writing this because I have unlearned the behaviour I am writing because I am picking it apart. And believe me when I say so much of what we think is not selfabandonment actually is. We talk about the surface level of abandonment, but I hope my share enlightens you on how it touches different parts of our lives and how deep it can go.
When will you stop abandoning yourself?
Dear Oversharer,
I hope you remember who you are and release yourself from the shackles of those who chose not to shower you with love and affection when you needed it. I hope that when you pick this behaviour apart, you learn to love yourself with grace and forgiveness. I hope that you can show up for yourself the way you show up for the people you love. And lastly, I hope that the cycle of self-abandonment ends with you.
To kicking self-abandonment's ass and loving ourselves graciously! *clink clink*
The short description for this newsletter is: Young and Oversharing, a newsletter for young women figuring it out one mistake at a time. I want you and I to embrace our imperfections, learn from our mishaps, while nagivating the sometimes tricky waters of the big O. Ay, I mean Oversharing but I am not afraid of talking about the other O either.
If you are on the journey of learning to set boundaries, finding your voice, and simply embracing the beautiful mess that is life, this is where you belong.
Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it's about being perfectly flawed and authentically you.
Why your desires are suffocating you
There is a desire that lives in me that I often talk myself out of, and I do not know why. I have been in love. I have been taken care of and felt seen in relationships. But I can not help but think about the beautiful experiences I see in the movies The experiences that are painted by the words in romantic novels. Logic says, 'Stop it Nobuhle, those are just scripts.' But are they JUST scripts?
Writers don't just write. They write what they have seen or experienced to a certain extent, right? It's not all make-believe So why do other people get to experience it and people like me don't?
Never have I ever been wined and dined I want someone to pick out a dress and some heels and ask me to be ready by 7 pm. I want to be curious about where we are going and what awaits me there. Only to arrive and it's a restaurant I have spoken about before. We have some good food, dessert, and conversation before heading home to a warm bed. *wink wink* I want thoughtful dates filled with fun activities. I yearn for that with all my heart and soul. (It feels so weird to say this out loud)
Sometimes, I wonder if it is my fault that I have not experienced this. And I will tell you why I think this. In my country, there is a saying that goes, 'mwana asingacheme anofira mumbereko,' which loosely translates to a child who does not cry will die while strapped on the mother's back. I am the child.
Why your desires are suffocating you
I have never expressed my desire for this, so I get what I get. And maybe a part of me fears voicing it out and being ridiculed for desiring it. But the desire is about to choke me to death.
I hate that for myself, honestly! I hate that over the years, I have convinced myself that I am not the girl who deserves that kind of love or experience. That somehow, my DNA rejects these gestures on my behalf. I have carved myself to fit into the box created for me by whomever I am with at the time. I sit and say, 'Well, that was cute, be grateful.'
I can already hear someone saying, 'Do it for yourself ' I probably will, but we have to admit how much that sucks! How did we get here? It feels like we have driven ourselves into lonesome territory. I have been on solo dates, and I have enjoyed them and hated them.
There is no one to talk to about the aura, aesthetics, and the food. So we pull out our phones to record some boomerangs so someone on the internet can virtually keep us company And that only works if you are cool enough to get a like or comment. It's awkward unless you find a table that faces the wall, and nobody ever meets your eye. You try to stay off your phone so it feels authentic to the experience. It is a cringefest!
Sadly, I may have to cringe my way to the experience. The little girl in me wants to go to pottery classes and make a mess, so I will. She wants to dress up and go for dinner, so I will. She wants to release her anger by smashing things to pieces, I will give her that. Maybe her cries will die out, and she will find some peace. Maybe one day, I will unlearn this ideology that I am the girl who deserves less. On that day, I will ask for everything I have ever wanted.
Today's post feels like a rant, but it is not. I am showing you the effects of not asking for what you want, what makes you happy My story shows what happens when you are trying to escape the 'too much' label. I know my black girls understand that one. When you quiet the parts of you that may chase the suitors (or friends) away, you suffocate the little girl inside you You are not the girl that deserves less, Oversharer. You deserve it ALL!
To asking for what we want and standing on business *clink clink*
You are frustrated because waiting is uncomfortable
Did you watch Reesa Teesa's 50-part TikTok series? I did, and whilst that story was all sorts of wild, there is one part that stuck with me When Reesa said, 'I just wanted it to be my turn.' All she wanted was to live out her fairytale. Unfortunately, a man took advantage of her heart. I saw many young women in her pain because we resonate with that feeling. We want to feel seen, wanted, and chosen. We all want to see our dreams and manifestations materialising.
"Your time is coming."
A statement that is often confused for comforting words I used to say this to people a lot, especially when I was still Christian. Of course, my belief in this statement was deeprooted in the scriptural belief that God makes things happen at the right time. It made a lot of sense to me, and I assumed it introduced calmness to one's life Years later, I wonder if it helped them because I don't find comfort in these words. They make me feel uneasy and trapped.
The first confronting feeling is discouragement. What I hear is that the effort that I am putting towards my life or dreams is unseen Those four words tell me that the love I pour into people is not worth much. Feelings of betrayal arise, and I start to question the universe. Where are my rewards? My discouragement then morphs into anger with myself and the world. My anger emanates from feeling rejected. The cycle is always the same, and the more I think about it, the more I realise that the problem might lie within me The statement is not untrue, so why do I get uncomfortable?
The answer is simple. Waiting is uncomfortable. Waiting forces you to confront demons that you would rather keep stored away. That season asks you to take control. It asks you to get in the face of your fears and conquer them. We are always scared of new territories because we do not know what awaits us on the other side of the door. Yet sometimes, the big break we want requires us to learn a new skill. Wholesome relationships need us to heal traumas. The leadership role we want to take on needs a fully self-aware woman, so introspection is required.
You are frustrated because waiting is uncomfortable
"There are years that ask questions and years that answer them." - Zora Neale Hurston.
So maybe we need to change how we look at these seasons and stop calling them waiting seasons. The truth is, you put in a lot of work towards your desires during these times. They are intensive because emotions are up and down, challenges surround you, and happiness feels out of reach. Sometimes doors close, forcing you to move in a completely different direction which, of course, is frustrating It often feels like everything is spinning out of control until the chapter ends. It feels like an awakening moment because you realise how much has changed around and within you. You start to see how much each experience questioned parts of you, and you unknowingly answered.
Seasons of growth. Seasons of metamorphosis. Seasons of bloom.
I often remind myself that things aren't happening to me; they are happening for me. And I think it blends in very well with the low seasons we experience. These seasons are never painless, they are isolating, and sometimes they get dark The silence you sit in is deafening. It feels like wherever you send your voice, it bounces back. There is nobody to answer you, and that is because this is a solo task. You are the answer. Your demons will sit before you and ask you uncomfortable questions. Relationships you held dear to your heart will fall away. Your heart will break into a million pieces before mending itself again But I promise you the end is beautiful!
I have resisted my seasons of growth. My resistance introduced a delay in my bloom. I don't know which year you are in, but I do encourage you to give yourself the chance to grow into the best version of yourself. I wish you the very best in 2024.
To seasons of blooming into fruitful Oversharers! *clink clink*
10 Things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s
Let’s talk about sex baby! If I had to make a list of things I am angry at the world for, sex education would be in my top 3. Men are taught they deserve it, women are taught they should just give it Where is the pleasure aspect? It’s in this post where Ruth Ramsay shares 10 things about sex from experience and expertise.
Ruth Ramsay, is an adult sex educator and coach, aged 49. She writes Something For The Weekend were she shares juicy details about sex! For coaching, workshops and more head over to www ruthramsay com
In my 20s I thought I was having good sex It looked somewhat like a porn film and we always orgasmed (or at least, my partners thought we always did…). When I was single I had fun with casual flings, and in longer relationships sex was intimate and varied, at least for the first year or two. I experienced far more orgasmic pleasure on my own, but didn’t overthink why that wasn’t happening so much with partners.
My 30s took me on a sex education journey, which started when I was asked to review a new book about female pleasure. By my mid-30s sex was a whole new experience, and now at 49, it’s better than ever.
10 Things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s
Becoming a sex coach in my early 40s has given me an insight into others’ sex lives too.
Looking back, what do I wish I had known in those earlier years ?
Note: I am a cisgender heterosexual woman, and some of my tips reflect that but much are applicable whatever your gender and orientation.
Talk about it!
I don’t remember talking about sex with partners in my teens and 20s. With my first partner, we didn’t even look each other in the eye.
There’s a taboo around ‘needing to talk’ about sex. We only hear about that in the context of ‘dirty talk’ or arguments But in what other partnered activity, would we expect things to go well without talking about it? Imagine trying to cook dinner together without talking about what you fancy eating, hunger levels, how spicy you want it, or how well-cooked you prefer it?
You can get comfy quickly by listening to educational sex podcasts Hearing the words said out loud a) teaches you what they are and how they are pronounced, and b) normalises them.
Men are as varied as women
I am writing this as a cisgender heterosexual woman. I knew that mainstream porn didn’t represent what would give me the most pleasure But I didn’t stop to think how it might not represent the guys I was sleeping with, either.
Now as a coach, one of the exercises I do with clients is the Erotic Blueprints. It’s a quiz which puts you into one or two of five sexual types. One of these is ‘Sexual’ and describes basically how heterosexual men are expected to be in mainstream Western society But in fact, genders are split throughout the Blueprints.
10 Things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s
I had a client describe her partner as “The standard Western male – pretty basic, you know?”. Her sex life with him went through the roof when I did some work with him. He was able to tap into his sensuality and creativity instead of conforming to the labels he had been given.
We need to be curious and open minded about what our partners actually want and need -whatever their gender - instead of making assumptions.
There are more orientations that straight, bi and gay
I grew up in the 1980s, when diversity of orientations wasn’t understood. Even the concept of bisexuality was new Being in your 20s now, you have awareness and information I didn’t have I wish I had known! Learn as much as you can and be open minded to others’ identities.
Your NO needs to be heard
People brought up/socialised as women are told it’s not polite to say ‘no’. But in sex, it’s crucial If we can all say ‘no’, then we can relax into what we are enjoying together, knowing we will speak up if we are not happy.
You can start this and set the right pattern the first time you are getting sexually intimate with someone. Tell them “You can tell me what you do and don’t like, and I’ll do the same for you. We don’t need to try to be mind-readers. If it’s anything other than epic, just tell me so ”
10 Things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s
Think how much energy goes into “Am I doing this right? Are they enjoying this?”… or “I wish they would do that faster/slower/stop doing that”. Imagine if we could just speak up if we weren’t happy – especially if we were feeling a ‘no’ We can set that example ourselves
Female orgasm with a partner takes a while
I thought for years there was something wrong with me. I would be in bed with a guy I fancied, and he would be doing things that felt good… but several minutes later I hadn’t orgasmed I thought my body was faulty Typically I faked, rather than have a conversation about it.
Then I read ‘She Comes First’ by Dr Ian Kerner and learnt that even when things are all going great, it usually takes longer than ten minutes. Next I found research that showed the average time it takes a woman to cum, in sex with a long term partner, is 13 5 minutes of the right type of stimulation for her. Twenty minutes is still in the ‘normal’ range.
Wow. There was nothing wrong with me! I just hadn’t been waiting long enough. I could cum through masturbation in a matter of minutes and had been expecting it to take not much longer with a partner If I’d known this statistic and given things more time, I could have been experiencing a lot more pleasure.
The contraceptive pill can dampen sexual response, as can antihistamines, antidepressants and various medications
Loss of sexual sensation, functioning or libido can be a side effect of a lot of different medications. Be aware of this and if sex is important to you, don’t settle for it. Tell your medical providers and try a different type of medication.
10 Things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s
Faking orgasms is never the right thing to do (with one exception)
Faking is teaching your partner how NOT to please you. In a long term relationship (or a casual arrangement that could become long term) this is signing a pleasure death-warrant. In a casual hook-up, it’s doing a disservice to the people that person will go on to sleep with.
Lots of research shows that between 60 and 90 per cent of women say they have faked orgasms. But again and again men (clients or others I am chatting to about sex) tell me confidently “No woman has ever faked it with me” Hmmmm
Let’s aim to be brave and honest and break this cycle. I know it’s scary. If you’re in a relationship, watch my ‘How To Please A Woman In Bed’ workshop with your partner. I have had emails from women and couples about how it stopped them from faking.
The exception? You’re in a situation with someone who won’t listen when you say “I’ve had a great time but orgasm isn’t going to happen for me, let’s stop now”. And their response is, “No, no, let’s keep going, I am going to make you cum!” ‘MAKE’ you cum? Ugh, your orgasm is yours to have! If you do not feel physically safe with the person you are having sex with then prioritise your safety, fake it, and get out of there Whether you message and tell them the next day or not, is your call.
10 Things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s
No one ‘makes you’ cum
Let’s keep on that ‘no one makes you cum’ topic. Your orgasm is yours. Someone else can help create the environment and stimulation for it to happen but they don’t ‘make you’ cum. Reclaim your orgasm as your own and take responsibility for it, stop waiting for a partner to ‘give’ it to you.
When I coach midlife women who are unhappy sexually, they tell me, “Sex has always been something that’s been done to me I’ve consented and often enjoyed it, but it’s been about what my partner wants to do to me. Ultimately about their pleasure. I’ve never had sex for me.”
Have sex for you. Honour your orgasm as something wonderous that your body and brain create The other participant is honoured to play a supporting role
Desire doesn’t have to be spontaneous
Do you never feel like sex, but then enjoy it when you have it and think “I/we should do this more often”? Then you likely have ‘responsive’ desire. And as a woman (or a 40+ man) it’s normal.
In responsive desire, you need an appealing sexy scenario going on, to start to want sex. If you wait to feel horny before you take any action, it’ll never happen.
This does NOT mean engaging in sexual contact or acts that you don’t want. It’s being open minded to, “Right now I don’t feel like it, but if we have a shower together then you give me a back rub then we reminisce about that hot time on holiday… I’ll get in the mood.”
I liken it to going for a run. You may sometimes be spontaneously struck by the desire to go for a run, put on your gear and head out, and return sweaty and euphoric. But more likely, you don’t really feel like it… but you put on your gear and out you go, knowing that before long you’ll be glad you did Soon you’re feeling good then great and you return sweaty and euphoric. Same end result, different routes, both valid and neither ‘better’ than the other.
10 Things I wish I knew about sex in my 20s
It gets better and better!
You are not in your sexual prime in your 20s or even your 30s. Women typically tell me that its in their 40s and 50s that they properly hit their sexual stride. Life experience, confidence in one’s body, communication skills, wisdom, and appreciation for what’s important, lead to better experiences
In your fertile years, estrogen and progesterone make you care what others think and put others first. When levels start to fall off in peri-menopause and menopause? It’s time for your self-loving sexual revolution!
I hope these shares will help you avoid some of the mistakes I made in my 20s and help you achieve peak partnered pleasure earlier than I did. That’s if you want a partner; ultimately, your most important sexual relationship is with yourself… you are your own lover throughout your life.
To great sex, orgasms and more orgasms!
Coming soon!
The Y&0 Podcast
Season 1 is themed If You Were Here.
This podcast series is an opportunity for you to speak to someone you have lost. It could be a friend, lover, or a parent. The loss could be because they passed on or because you decided to go your separate ways. It could also be due to differences that could not be resolved.
I believe that sharing is a form of healing, and my hope is that after "speaking" to them, you get to walk away feeling lighter. All guests are to remain anonymous. All recordings are virtual, no video.
Sign up to be a guest!