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Comedy Bites Dog Podcast Review

- Kirsty Wilson - Dean & Margie Awesome Shows, Great Job? - Carly Milroy Deathstar Canteen - Lauren Gysberts Free Comedy@ Station 59 - Shanti Phillips Airport Security is Pointless - Xavier Toby - Emma Zammit Shapiro Tuesday’s Raising Comic Standards - Katherine Phelps Bok’s Gong Show - Lauren Bok On NOT being in Edinburgh - Nat Britten For Revue Dollars More - Ailsa Dunlop Facty Fact - Dave Warneke Tackling Hecklers - Nick O’Connell Rueben & The True Cost of Myki - John Potter The Death of Print Media - Josh Samuels Over the Rainbow - Simon Godfrey

Comedy Bites Dog

By Kirsty Wilson

On September 9th 2012 a gang of good-hearted comedians took over funky Swanston Street venue The Order of Melbourne, to put on a jam-packed show raising awareness for an increasingly prevalent issue: mood disorders. The night took off with MC and comedian Bev Killick greeting the audience with gags about motherhood, an appropriate theme seeing as her son Abel was the reason we were there; Abel is taking up the Black Dog Institute’s Peru Challenge 2012, which means twelve days of hiking mountains in Peru to raise money for mood disorder awareness - disorders from which he also suffers. Wacky Jody J Hill kicks off with her common sense philosophies on alcohol slogans such as ‘Don’t drink and ink’, ‘Don’t drink and dial’ and ‘Don’t drink, you’ll get pregnant’. Then, from the corner of the venue (closest to the bar) an over-the-top dress of black tulle and a head of hair teased to the size of Tasmania, emerges from the crowd and onto the stage and - lo and behold! It’s foul-mouthed and filthy Monte Diamonte. She loses the dress, reveals her barely covered mammoth breasts and launches into a disgusting yet fabulous song about well, f**king. Steve Bedwell followed, joking ‘Don’t you hate it when someone else steals your song?’ He then took us for a walk down memory lane. Remember when Mum would come and kiss you goodnight with a cigarette in her hand, and have to wipe the cigarette ash from your eye? Or when the coolest kid in school was the one who could peel off the biggest piece of skin from his sunburnt body? Dave Callan, with his crazy hair and golf pants, seems so comfortable on stage it’s like being in your lounge room. After the continuous laughs (telling jokes about Australians to Australians always goes down well) he took a moment to share his insight into depression and mood disorders: ‘You have to realise that our psychology is like a garden, and there’s weeds in the garden, and it’s up to you to get the weeds the f**k out ...’ He went on to say, ‘ … the best advice you can give somebody who might be feeling a bit depressed is: do something nice for somebody else.’

So far, around $3,000 of the $4,000 needed to take Abel to Peru has been raised.

Who loves a good dick trick? Who doesn’t love a good dick trick! A stark naked David ‘Friendy’ Friend (Pupperty of the Penis) had the crowd cacking themselves at dick tricks named ‘The Parachute’, ‘The Woman’, ‘The Eiffel Tower’ and ‘The Slowly Emerging Mollusk’. Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt. Friendy says ‘These things are durable.’ It doesn’t matter how old you are, everybody loves to be amazed by a magician. Famous Australian comedian/magician extraordinaire Anthony Demasi turned a dove into fire, turned bubbles into balls and performed a Houdini escape trick among other cool magician stuff. He was even kind enough to lend out his bunnies, which were seen on the shoulders of beaming audience members during the rest of night. Then there was Simon Palomares. What a guy. Such an authentic ability to tell jokes that the sound of knowing laughter was heard all the way through his act, as he made jokes about aging, parenting, his Emo teenage sons (who can’t express the depth of darkness of their souls and would probably rather go to a Satanic ritual at Flinders Street Station than visit their Grandparents) and the battle of introducing technology to aging parents. Upon seeing one of the Emo children painting his fingernails black, Grandpa Palomares says in his Spanish accent, ‘I can do that for you with a hammer.’ Crowd favourite Pommy Johnson closed the night and impressed the audience with his quick wit and skill at improvising. The night’s atmosphere was of absolute love and laughter. Comedy Bites Dog gave everyone a chance to get involved and do something great: raise money for a hands-down worthy cause. Bev’s heartfelt words can still be heard even after the show: ‘Love each other, and have a f**king laugh!’

To donate to Abel’s cause, visit:

DEANO AND MARGIE present The Podcast Review

THE MINUTES PATIENCE HODGSON & MEL BUTTLE Quickie Who: Patience Hodgson from The Grates and comedian Mel Buttle. Content: Stories from the adventures of two vintage loving, one eyed cat wielding, wicked wing loving females. Listen While: Driving or catching the tram. Episode to listen to: Episode 5 Rating: A solid 8.5 wicked wingz out of 10.

Listening to The Minutes is very much like visiting

your local pool and taking a dip in the communal hot tub. It’s enjoyable when you're neck deep in steamy hot water but you soon realize the consequences of your plunge when you develop that itchy rash later on. At first listen, you risk concluding that this podcast is nothing more than an enthusiastic girl chat peppered with anecdotes. It does not take long however to realize that Mel and Patience are not only comical but relatable; a duo as dynamic as they come. The girls themselves describe the 35 – 40 minute podcasts as “loose and homemade”, as if it’s solely a product of them pressing “record on their couch catch ups”. As their biography lets on, Patience Hodgson is the multitalented front woman of the Aria-award-nominated band The Grates. Her comedic counterpart is Mel Buttle, a stand up comic and regular on many radio stations including Nova and Triple J.

Topics for discussion include the dreaminess of Tyler from Teen Mom, Patience’s one eyed cat “Mrs Eyeball” who has since passed away (RIP) and the girls' beloved snack wicked wings. Some episodes feature fifteen minute conversations about a girl vomiting all over the floor on a bus, while others see visits from various guests including comedian Tom Ballard, radio show host Alex Dyson, indie singer Lanie Lane and an entertaining session with kiwi comedian Cal Wilson.

It must be said however that such podcasts based loosely on everyday activities and adventures run the risk of becoming mundane. Mel and Patience can at times sound as if they are toeing the line between comedy and waffled story telling. Believe us when we say we can relate to this, as well as their adoration of 90s bum bags and Maggie Beer. We too get sick of listening to each other on our long bus rides to uni. Though with each rare moment of uninteresting banter there’s enough wit and comedic relief to keep you listening. These girls may at first sound like those crazy cat woman down the street you’ve spend years trying to advert eye contact with, but they really are two down to earth, Aussie girls doing something they enjoy for the benefit of our laugh muscles. You may find yourself on a bus one day, probably stuck uncomfortably next to one of us, thinking of this review while choosing which podcast to listen to next. We hope though that your decision is an easy one, and that The Minutes with Mel and Patience is sounding through your headphones forcing you to laugh to yourself while thinking of that poor bus driver mopping the vomit of his buses floor, because just like the hot tub, you may be left wondering what exactly you’ve heard, but can’t help but be back for more.

By Carly Milroy

Awesome Shows, Great Job?

If I offered an accurate summary of this page in three sentences, would anyone actually bother to read the entire article? Don’t lie. You probably wouldn’t. You bastard. Then again why should you? With the inundation of information we seem to be absorbing daily, it’s no wonder our attention spans are compressing. We are constantly soaking in an endless montage of news feeds and tweets and headline updates. I suppose it should be dizzying, like a disorientating Baz Luhrman sequence. But you know what? For many people it just isn’t. We’ve adapted. We feel entitled to know everything there is to know. In an abbreviated form. Right now. It’s nothing you haven’t heard before. Popular media, our families and the guy behind the counter at the milk bar are perpetually telling us ‘Generation Y consume technology like pop-tarts, want the short versn pls m8, don’t listen to anyone when…’ And so on. We get it. At least, we get the first 120 characters or so. There’s no denying it; we appear to be the subjects of an international attention deficit syndrome. This channel flicking culture is implicated in multiple facets of our lives, not surprisingly including the way we consume and create entertainment. Take for example the music industry; segregating music into singles and itune bites instead of long play albums now guarantees a two-point-something minute musical experience. Quickly chew it up and move on to something new. Nom nom nom nom.

“...we appear to be the subjects of an international attention deficit syndrome.”

Similarly, you may have noticed a shift in comedy trends. Typical sketch, stand-up or situational comedy once followed a relatively sequential narrative. Sketch comedians such as Laurie and Fry lined up ridiculous scenarios for sure, but there was always a beginning, middle and – sometimes literally - the final punch. Sure, the Monty Python boys waved delightfully absurd sketch treats under our noses; but even the visual and largely surreal Terry Gilliam animations would linger long enough for the audience to process what it was they actually thought they were seeing. There never seemed to be this intention of momentarily distracting the viewer by hurling flashing images at them and running in the opposite direction to the next sketch.

Unlike Tim and Eric. Woah. If you’re unfamiliar with this duo, their show ‘Awesome Show, Great Job!’ is what you might see if someone took that dream where you show up at school in your underwear and turned it into a loud, tacky American infomercial. Also someone’s arm probably gets blown off just before you wake up. It leaves you wide-eyed, teary-eyed… stupefied. Together with their catalogue of guest comedians, Tim and Eric bash you over the head with absurdity, piss-bolt out the door then run back in yelling and blinding you with a spraycan of crazy. People. Are. Loving it. The apparent focus of each scene flips and changes constantly, evading any kind of continuity or sequence. Intentionally or otherwise, Tim and Eric have completely catered to a generation of viewers who want to absorb as much bizarre stimulus at once as they possibly can. Can their success be pegged on our refusal to endure any kind of narrative? Do we simply want to be ambushed by flashing lights and incongruous images until they elicit a baffled laughter from our lips? And if so, it begs the question: For how long is this sensory overload brand of comedy sustainable? After all, Tim and Eric aren’t the only contributors to ‘attention deficit’ comedy - audiences and comedians alike are perpetuating the trend. You saw it happening on Family Guy, leaping between flash backs and flash forwards and flash sidewards. You can see it taking ground with comedians such as Demitri Martin often steering away from storytelling and reverting back to pulling gags out of his guitar, one right after the other.


September 28 - October 5 7.45pm (Sun 6.45pm)

Slow Clap Presents

Fringe Hub The Ballroom, Lithuanian Club 44 Errol St North Melbourne

Awesome Shows, Great Job?

By Carly Milroy So why should the professionals get all the fun? As an accumulative audience, we ourselves are creating countless web channels to flick between. YouTube is fast becoming one of the biggest sources of laughter for our generation. People falling over. Cats. People falling over cats. These clips lure us in with the promise of instant laughter-gratification from a mere 20 seconds of concentration! We’re obsessed with immediacy. Visually we have even traded in ye olde comic strips for the single cell meme. Ah yes, think back to your first meme-induced chuckle... ‘You mean I can get all my laughs from one image!? And all this time I’ve been scanning my eyes across the page like a chump!’ So long, Garfield. Good on us. We absolutely should be able to consume and enjoy whatever comedic brand tickles our fancy. Online access to millions of web series, clips, memes, routines and so on probably means we can afford to expect fast paced and erratic humour for now. I wonder, though, where do we go from here? If relating to each other through engaging storytelling is as innately binding a human experience as I’m led to believe it is then our thirst for attention deficit entertainment is bound to burn out... right? Eventually it’s likely either comedians or their audiences are going to realise something’s missing and start demanding more from one another. Until then I suppose the big question you might ask is: “Who will snap first?” Or perhaps you’re still asking “where the hell is my three sentence summary?”

Death Star Canteen Comedy

Review by Lauren Gysberts

Death Star Canteen Comedy is an intimate stand-up comedy night that takes place every Wednesday from 8.30 pm at Caz Reitops Dirty Secrets, Collingwood. The night takes its name from the famous Eddie Izzard comedy routine “The Death Star Canteen” and houses a diverse range of acts from various experience levels. It is a friendly, funny and relaxed atmosphere that is run by Trav Nash and Dean Ezinberg, who are very approachable and encourage new talent to take to the stage with the sole ambition of promoting and furthering new and exciting comedy into the ether. The aim of Death Star Canteen is to encourage new and upcoming performers to get up and try their hand in front of a crowd, so it is a great place if you are starting out or want to try out new material. The night is held downstairs at Dirty Secrets; “Home of the world’s loneliest disco ball”. The evening’s MC Simon Keck refers to the room fondly as “..the fire hazard death trap comedy dungeon”. But dungeon, it is not!

With stone exposed walls and low lodge-like ceilings, the dim lighting and strategically placed ottomans ensure a warm and cosy spot for a drink among friends. It also promotes a low stage, which provides performers easy access to run on and off stage and allows patrons to really feel up close and personal with the acts. With its comfortable setting you can certainly see why the room has been in action for so long. The bar is located upstairs which can mean a bit of a trip away from the action, however the menu is nothing short of delectable. There is an extensive array of cocktails and various spirits on offer as well as loads of boutique beers to wet the palette. MC Simon Keck keeps the audience warm with a wealth of material between performers and also during the brackets. Some of the highlights included some amazing Shakespearean hip-hop from Charles Barrington, as well as Tony Besselink analysing how the person who gets to say “Hip-Hip” in Happy Birthday claims alpha male status in the modern world.

The new talent here is highly admirable and ensures an interesting show, as the acts contain loads of fresh and new material to ensure you will not hear any jokes you have heard a thousand times before. Overall the comedy here is fresh and funny! The show starts at 8:30pm, and is arranged into two brackets with 5 performers either side. There is no strict time-keeping with each act and the comedians tend to decipher when their time is up on their own. The Death Star Canteen is a fantastic night of entertainment and laughs, featuring an abundance of new talent in a relaxed and cozy atmosphere. The Death Star Canteen runs every Wednesday at Caz Reitop’s Dirty Secrets (80 Smith St, Collingwood Vic) and starts around 8:30pm. Check out their Facebook page for weekly line ups:


PANIC! SEPTEMBER 26TH - OCTOBER 13TH 8PM The Dancing Dog 42A Albert Street Footscray

By Sharnti Phillips

Free Comedy at Station 59 On Wednesday August 29, I decided to abstain from my usual hump-day activities (listening to “My Humps”, riding a camel and entering a Quasimodo look-a-like contest) to attend the Coopers Comedy Open Mic Night at Station 59. This cosy little Richmond pub has played host to a free weekly comedy night since June 2011. Inspired by the success of free comedy events at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, local funny fellas Nick Stevens and Kieran Butler decided to treat Melbournians to a free weekly comedy night of their own. It has proven popular with punters and performers alike, giving comedy newcomers a place to test out new material whilst encouraging the general public to take a chance on something different. And what with Australian families doing it tougher than ever, what with the GFC, the ADD and the KFC, who could say no to a night of free entertainment? Station 59 is an ideal venue for stand up; intimate but not cramped. The petite stage means the line between the audience and performer is virtually non-existent. This is bare bones comedy; the way it should be. Tonight, the crowd of around fifty amiable spectators had their funny bones caressed (and in some cases, molested) by twelve local up and comers, each with 5-7 minutes to show of their wares. This wasn’t the 'drunk-guy-gets-up-and-tells-fart-jokes' open mic night that I was expecting. Each performer had a well thought through set and there was something on show for all comedic tastes. Among the comedians was Sean Bedlam, who I had a chat to after the last laugh was had. He tells me that comedy is "such a powerful medium to explore differing points of view. I’ve been involved in grassroots activism for several years and I feel like comedy allows me to get my message across without people feeling like their being brainwashed by propaganda." Bedlam has been performing comedy for two years and is now preparing for his show Sean Bedlam: Fuck Shit Up in the Melbourne Fringe Festival this year. "It's a show about stepping out of your comfort zone, opening your mind to different ideas and most of all, fucking shit up." This passion for political awareness through comedy was as evident in his comedic performance on stage as it was in our conversation. Another personal favourite comedian of mine from the night was Liam Ryan. His fast-paced story telling and eloquent description of a festival port-a-loo as a “shit-Tardis” had me doubled over in fits of laughter. That’s what can be so great about open mic nights - finding laughs where you least expect them. The night really encouraged me to get out there and see and see some more free comedy, leaving me with the feeling that the next batch of comedy super stars are waiting to be found, and I think they’re having a drink at Station 59. Station 59 will be hosting free comedy events during the Melbourne Fringe Festival on Friday and Saturday nights from Sept 28 – Oct 13. For more details visit Sean Bedlam: Fuck Shit Up is playing at Station 59, Richmond, Sep 28 & 29, Oct 5,6,12 & 13 at 6:30pm. For more details visit

Airport Security is Pointless Xavier Toby Last week I was having a beer with two blokes I used to play amateur footy with, Gavin and Singo. Gavin said, ‘Airport security is out of control. The other day, I was catching this flight to Singapore for work, and they took a bottle off wine off me.’ Then Singo said, ‘Still better than being blown up.’ Now Singo’s a massive bogan, and as a bogan he believes that every immigrant is plotting an imminent terrorist attack. Not that he’d know what imminent meant. He actually thinks it means, ‘In a minute.’ Gavin agreed with Singo, so I explained to them exactly why airport security is pointless. It all starts with Oceans 11. There’s always a team trying to break into some impenetrable safe, and it keeps you watching as you need to how they do it. Well I’m like that with security checkpoints. Every time I wonder arrive at one, I wonder how a terrorist would get around it, and I can never figure it out. The security, it’s just too good. However the queues at the checkpoints are usually massive, far more people than actually on the planes, especially during peak hour, and that’s the answer. The terrorists should stop trying to get bombs onto planes, when they could take out far more people by just blowing up a security checkpoints. How could that be stopped? By putting in more checkpoints? If terrorists are blowing them up, more checkpoints just means more targets. But that’s never going to happen, because the security at airports isn’t there to stop terrorists. It’s there to make us feel safer, however it doesn’t actually make us any safer, as terrorists have plenty of other options. For example, you don’t go through a metal detector before you get into the Casino, Chadstone Shopping Centre, or the MCG.

Those risks are just too big and impractical to worry about, so we don’t bother. Which is the right way to go about things, because it’s impossible to protect everyone, all the time. Take Bondi Beach, with it’s millions of annual visitors. Sure we lose a few every year and we don’t misplace them, they drown, but there’s no way we’d shut down Bondi Beach. Especially not while those lifeguards are producing such quality television. I’m being serious. I actually don’t mind that show. By the way, do you know the odds of dying in a terrorist attack, on a plane? 25 million to one. That’s from the Wall Street Journal. And the odds of being killed in a car crash? Or that the earth will be hit by an asteroid in the next 100 years? They’re both 5,000 to one. So it’s 5,000 times more likely that you’ll be killed in a car crash or by an asteroid, than in a terrorist attack. But when’s the last time anyone saw a car or an asteroid, being put through a metal detector?

Xavier Toby is a comedian and writer. Upcoming gigs and other musings at:

Shapiro Tuesday Comedy Night

Emma Zammit

“Have you  ever  heard  of  Louis  CK?”  a   young  open  mic-­er  asked  me  recently.     “No?    Who  is  that?”  I  replied  in  what  I   thought  was  my  best  sarcastic  tone.   “OMG  you  don’t  know  who  he  is!!”  the   open  mic-­er  shrieked. Ok  so  obviously  I  need  to  work  on  my   sarcasm  tone  some  more. I  run  Shapiro  Tuesday  comedy  night  at   the  Lazy  Susan’s  Comedy  Den.     Shapiro’s  is  an  open  mic  and  experiential   comedy  night  that  encourages  open   mic-­ers  to  perform  and  experienced   comics  to  try  new  material.    For  those   who  want  to  try  something  more  than   stand  up,  we  encourage  quirky  and   experiential  skits.     For  the  past  year  there  has  been  a  HUGE   interest  in  Perth  of  young,  aspiring  open   mic-­ers  wanting  to  give  comedy  a  go.    “I   have  always  wanted  to  try  this  and  my   friends  think  I  am  really  funny”,  they  tell   me.    The  interest  is  so  big  that  Shapiro’s   is  fully  booked  until  the  end  of  October. Stand-­up  comedy  is  an  addiction  and   once  anyone  has  one  night  on  stage  they   are  instantly  hooked,  and  rightly  so.   So  why  is  there  a  sudden  surge  of   interest  in  stand-­  up  comedy  in  the  Perth   market?     Firstly,  you  can  have  access  to  stand-­  up   comedians  quicker  and  easier  than  ever   before  with  a  quick  press  of  the  button  on   your  mobile  or  YouTube.    Back  in  my  day   (ughh  I  sound  so  old  saying  that),  if  I   wanted  to  watch  my  favourite  comedian   then  I  would  have  to  hire  a  VHS  of  their   latest  show.    Waiting  for  “Roxanne”  with   Steve  Martin  to  come  out  on  VHS  was  a   loonnnngg  wait  for  me.      

When Delirious  came  out  on  VHS  in  1983  I   was  only  one  year  old.  My  brother  showed   it  to  me  when  I  was  ten  years  old  and  I  can   still  remember  how  hard  I  laughed  on  the   couch  watching  it.    I  was  amazed  by  this   profession.  I  remember  thinking  'I  want  to   do  that'. When  I  was  younger  I  couldn’t  google   "funny  comedians".    I  couldn’t  google  the   manuscript  from  Bill  Hicks'  infamous   controversy  appearance  on  David   Letterman  that  was  cut.  I  had  to  rely  on   hardcopy  encyclopedias  that  had  the   biographies  of  comedians  or  the  history  of   stand-­up  comedy.    I  had  no  CLUE  how   many  amazing  comedians  were  out  there.     Nowadays  there  is  a  plethora  of  comedians   around  the  world  that  I  can  access. Today  you  can  watch  almost  any  comedian   you  want.  You  can  be  inspired  24  hours  a   day. Secondly,  there  are  more  opportunities  for   open  mic-­ers  to  try  their  material  each   week.  About  three  years  ago  Perth  had  just   two  open  mic  rooms  for  comedians  to   perform.    For  many  years  before  that  there   was  only  one.    In  2011-­2012  there  are  six   open  mic  rooms  and  more  to  be  opening   soon.  On  Mondays  we  have  ‘Chuckles’   once  a  month.  Every  Tuesday  we  have   Shapiro’s  and  The  Comedy  Shack  once  a   month.    On  Wednesdays  is  the  Laugh   Resort  who  are  soon  to  celebrate  their  20   year  anniversary,  as  well  as  Cheeky   Monkeys  and  Ha  Ha  at  Ya  Ya’s.    PHEW  ! What  is  the  most  encouraging  thing  for   open  mic-­ers  isn't  just  the  endless   opportunities  to  get  up  each  week,

but the  fact  that  Perth  audiences  are   always  loyal  and  fill  each  room.    As  TV   offers  people  less  and  less  (like  The   Shire!),  stand  up  is  gaining  prominence  as   great,  cheap  entertainment.  For  value,  $5   Shapiro  Tuesdays  entry  is  hard  to  beat.   With  so  many  people  wanting  to  try   stand-­up  our  audiences  now  have  an   expectation  to  have  a  different  line  up   every  week.   We  also  have  numerous  comedy  rooms   for  experienced  comedians  each  week   such  as  The  Comedy  Lounge  and  Lazy   Susan’s  Comedy  Den. There  is  a  stand-­up  comedy  trend  in  Perth   and  I  don’t  think  it  is  going  to  stop  anytime   soon.    Unlike  ‘planking’  which  was  short   lived  thank  god,  because  I  couldn’t  hold   that  position  for  any  longer  than  15   seconds  so  I  was  never  cool.   Just  so  we  are  clear;;  I  know  who  Louis   CK,  Bill  Hicks  and  Bill  Burr  are.  I  made  the   stupid  mistake  once  when  I  first  started   stand-­up  by  telling  another  inspiring   comedian  that  I  liked  Dane  Cook  because   I  thought  that  he  was  the  “cool  comedian”   everyone  liked.  They  were  horrified  and  I   was  instantly  not  included  in  the  Cool   Open  Micers  Group.    Dammit,  I  had   forgotten  to  Google  “is  Dane  Cook  cool   and  funny?” Comedy  in  Perth  is  the  new  black! Shapiro Tuesday is on at Lazy Susan’s Comedy Den, upstairs at the Brisbane Hotel, Perth, WA 32961/

Katherine Phelps Raising Comic  Standards Melbourne  is  home  to  the  world's  third  largest  comedy  festival.  This   festival  is  where  our  comedians  have  the  opportunity  to  launch   themselves  into  international  careers.  However,  we  do  not  always   make  the  best  use  of  this  opportunity,  nor  are  we  given  sufficient   support. International  acts  get  much  of  the  spotlight  at  the  festival.  Under-­ standably,  people  are  interested.  These  are  comedians  they  may  not   be  able  to  see  in  this  country  at  any  other  time.  It  would  be  nice  to   have  more  of  our  own  highlighted.  Having  people  here  such  as  Bill   Bailey,  Ross  Noble,  The  Pajama  Men  and  the  like  gives  our  comedi-­ ans  a  chance  to  compare  themselves  with  the  best  and  raise  their   game.  The  question  is  how. During  this  year's  festival  I  ran  the  Funny  Females  Networking   Brunch  (if  you  guys  feel  a  wee  bit  jealous,  just  ask  and  we  can  put   together  something  more  pan-­gendered).  A  number  of  the  comedians   expressed  concerns  about  missing  out  on  certain  skills  training.  The   biggest  concern  was  simply  losing  their  voices  from  performing  5-­6   nights  a  week  for  4  weeks.  Others  spoke  about  difficulties  with   developing  sufficient  material  for  an  hour  show  and  how  to  remember   it  all.  Other  arts  have  training  to  help  with  these  issues.  I  rely  heavily   on  my  opera  training  for  vocal  control.   So  like  the  pro-­active  nut  I  am,  I  thought  I  could  easily  put  together  a   series  of  workshops  covering  material  which  would  be  of  most  help   to  our  comedians. The  first  workshop  I  felt  strongly  about  organising  was  acting   technique  for  comedians.  This  class  would  teach  skills  in  how  to   properly  use  and  protect  your  voice.  You  would  also  learn  to  build   character  through  vocal  techniques.  This  led  onto  the  skills  of   creating  comic  characters  in  general.  Ultimately,  you  are  ALWAYS   playing  a  character  when  you  are  on  stage,  even  when  it's  just  an   exaggerated  form  of  yourself. I  wanted  the  leader  for  this  workshop  to  be  a  seasoned  comedian,  a   trained  actor,  and  someone  who  was  a  talented  teacher.  A  tall  order,  I   know.  Happily  I  did  know  someone  who  fit  this  job  description.  Rob   Lloyd  has  a  B.A.  in  Acting  for  Stage  and  Screen  with  CSU,  as  well  as   a  degree  in  teaching.  He  was  part  of  the  ensemble  for  the  first   season  of  Thank  God  You're  Here  and  now  hosts  the  television  show   Live  on  Bowen,  C31.

The next  workshop  idea  I  started  poking  around  had  to  do  with  something  I   noticed  at  the  festival.  We  have  a  healthy  impro  community  around   Melbourne.  We  also  have  a  few  sketch  comedy  groups  and  storytellers  who   like  to  physically  enact  their  stories.  All  of  these  are  using  mime.  Not  all  of   them  are  using  it  well.  Some  performances  I  found  myself  staring  at  the   comedians'  movements,  trying  hard  to  envision  the  world  they  were   creating. Like  a  miracle  I  stumbled  across  a  hidden  gem  right  here  in  Melbourne.   Miklos  is  a  classically  trained  mime  artist  from  Europe.  He  studied  with  one   of  Marcel  Marceau's  students.  In  2010  he  travelled  to  Los  Angeles  and   scored  the  top  award  in  the  official  World  Championships  of  Performing  Arts   in  the  comical  acting  category.  He  recently  moved  to  Melbourne  and  is  in   the  process  of  establishing  himself.  As  such  he  still  had  the  time  to  agree  to   teaching  one  of  my  workshops!

The third  workshop  developed  because  I  thought  we   needed  a  third  workshop,  but  couldn't  think  what  it   should  be  and  who  should  run  it.  I  mentioned  this  to   friends  and  they  looked  at  me  like  I  was  several  nuts   short  of  a  fruitcake.  "Aren't  you  teaching  a   workshop?"  Duh.  I  thought  back  again  to  the   networking  brunch  and  the  concerns  about  sufficient   material  and  memorising.  Those  issues  are  easily   taken  care  of  through  careful  story  structuring,  and   that's  my  PhD!  I  lectured  in  storytelling  for  computer   game  design  for  years  at  both  RMIT  and  Victoria   University.  Having  done  both  I  can  say,  comic  and   computer  based  storytelling  are  not  all  that  far  apart.   A  good  story  structure  helps  a  computer  game  to  flow   naturally  from  beginning  to  end,  even  when  people   are  taking  a  bazillion  different  routes  to  get  there.  A   good  story  structure  keeps  comedians  on  top  of  their   material,  even  when  they  are  improvising  bits.  A  good   story  structure  also  suggests  what  needs  to  go  where   and  helps  you  to  write  a  show  by  filling  in  the  blanks.

I actually  love  putting  together  this  sort  of  stuff  and  I  love  teaching.  If   the  comedy  workshops  go  well:  people  feel  their  skills  have  been   improved  and  we  have  sufficient  numbers,  we  will  put  together  more  in   the  near  future.  We  could  easily  arrange  workshops  in  subjects  such  as   how  to  plan    a  show  going  to  Edinburgh  Fringe,  how  to  safely  perform   slapstick,  how  to  create  podcasts  or  vodcasts  etc.  Come  along  and   support  us  supporting  you  to  achieve  an  international  standard  of   comic  excellence.

Glass Wings presents Professional Comedy Skills Workshops Venue: Boyd Community Hub Address: 207-­227 City Road, Southbank Time: 2-­4pm Dates: 23 Sept, 21 Oct, 18 Nov Tickets Full: $60 Concession: $55 Prebook all 3: $140 (save $40) Web: Ticketing:

Lauren Bok Firstly, an  explanation. A  Gong  show  is  a  concept  that  happens  in   the  UK,  mostly.  I  haven't  seen  anything  like  it   Melbourne,  at  least  for  the  amount  of  time   I've  been  doing  comedy,  which  sounds   impressive,  but  in  actual  fact  is  August  last   year.  In  terms  of  the  internet,  there  isn't   anywhere  I  could  find  a  definitive  list  of   rules.  (And  I'm  a  pretty  good   Other  than  what  I  could  glean  from  youtube   and  other  assorted  weird  UK  blogs  (they   ARE  weird,  aren't  they?  Like  2005  website   design  weird?  Weird)  I  took  what  I  could   from  that  and  formed  my  own  set  of  rulez.   This  is  they. 1.  Comedian  takes  the  stage.  They  are   given  2  minutes  grace  period  to  get  the   audience  onside. 2.  At  2  minutes,  I  ring  a  little  triangle  to   indicate  that  it's  time  to  be  pushed  out  of  the   proverbial  airplane,  sans  parachute.   (Aeroplane?  Airplane?  Is  there  really  a   difference?)

3. Shit,  I  forgot  a  bit.  So  before  the  show,  I   distribute  3  cards  to  3  random  members  of   the  audience.  This  is  to  indicate  a  '3  strikes,   you're  out'  thing.  The  cards  are  redistributed   every  few  comics  or  so  just  in  case  one   particular  audience  member  gets  cocky  and   trigger  happy. 4.  When  the  2  minute  period  is  up,  those  3   audience  people  act  as  a  bit  of  a  judge  and   when  they're  getting  bored,  or  they  don't  like   the  comedian  or  the  joke,  or  whatever,  they   put  their  card  up.  If  all  3  cards  go  up,  then... 4.  GONG  TIME.  Or  in  this  case,  large  silver   salad  bowl  and  wooden  spoon  time.  It  had  a   really  good  tonal  quality  that  resembled  a   gong  exceptionally  well,  however  I  was   informed  that  some  audience  members  left  in   a  huff  at  the  start  of  the  show  because  they   were  assured  that  there  would  be  an  actual   gong  present. Isn't  it  interesting  that  gong  is  at  once  an   object,  action  AND  onomatopoeia?  SHUD-­ DUP.  IS  TOO  INTERESTING. Ok,  No  one  left.  I  made  that  up.

From a  personal  point  of  view  (What  other  is   there,  but  pfft,  I've  put  enough  musings  in   brackets  for  now)  I  had  not  put  something   together  before,  i.e.  made  a  facebook  event   then  booked  in  comic  people  and  made  a  big   thing  about  it.  Then  I  got  all  this  crazy  nervous   energy  and  didn't  eat  very  much  and  was   stressed  out  all  week  hoping  that  it  would  all   come  together  and  I  could  get  in  a  good   audience  so  that  the  comics  wouldn't  be  mad   and  the  whole  concept  kind  of  relies  on   audience  but  there  are  so  many  other  things   they  could  be  doing  with  their  Friday  and   Saturday  nights  and  how  will  my  weird  thing  I   just  came  up  with  hold  up  in  the  face  of  the   months  of  preparation  and  thousands  of  dollars   legitimate  comedians  have  poured  into  their   comedy  festival  shows  in  order  to  get  bums  on   seats. But  NO.  People  rocked  up  and  rocked  out,  it   was  all  good. The  concept,  as  an  experiment,  worked,  with  a   few  changes  that  added  to  strange   awesomeness  of  the  night:

Lauren Bok 1. Up  until  the  first  night,  in  my  notebook  I  just  had  the  words  "Audience  Cards"   written  somewhere.  They  somehow  did  not  magically  appear.  So  I  sat  outside   at  the  venue  writing  up  the  list  of  comedians,  while  some  coerced  friends   fashioned  some  kicky  paper  fans  at  the  last  minute.  The  result  being  when  they   were  distributed  amongst  the  audience,  I  was  unsure  as  to  whether  the   audience  member  in  possession  of  said  fan  was  raising  their  distaste  for  the   current  performer,  or  indeed  raising  some  fictional  auction  by  increments  of  50   pounds  sterling. 2.  All  audience  participants  that  took  on  the  power  of  the  fan  were  given  lolly   bracelets.That  hard  candy  with  a  chalky  consistency.  You  know,  the  ones  they   make  edible  g-­strings  out  of...Delicious,  and  nutritious. 3.  All  performers  were  given  an  encouragement  sticker,  with  such  words  of   wisdom  imprinted  on  them  like  "Neat  Work"  and  "Superstar  Speller".  In   hindsight  they  may  have  been  more  appropriate  for  educational  purposes. 4.  Fun  was  had  by  all,  except  those  that  got  gonged  off.  They  were  subject  to   the  humiliation  only  known  to  small  children  that  do  things  like  fall  off  monkey   bars,  or  forget  to  put  their  underwear  on  when  they  get  changed  at  the  pool,   and  the  teacher  holds  up  a  pair  of  undies  to  the  whole  bus  and  says  'Who's   undies  are  these?" Still,  it's  good  to  know  in  these  times,  there  is  still  nothing  like  the  electric   crackle  of  laughter  from  a  sweaty,  beer-­soaked  audience  that  stokes  the  fires   of  a  comic's  ego,  especially  if  it's  in  a  competitive  atmosphere  and  there  is   thousands  of  dollars  at  stake. Or,  the  same,  but  with  no  dollars  at  stake.  Still  the  sweaty,  beer-­swilling   masses  though. Better  come  along  and  see  it  for  realsies. Bok’s Gong Show will run during Fringe at Station 59 as part of the Free Fringe Festival. 9.30pm every Friday-­ 28th of September, 5th and 12th of October.

Illustrations: Julia Clarke

Nat -­  On  NOT  Being  in  Edinburgh

Nat Britten

The month  of  August  is  a  sad  and  lonely  existence.  Despair  spreads  throughout  the  world,  comedy  clubs  become  baron   wastelands  of  doleful  comics  and  starved  hecklers.  All  laughter  and  fun  subsides,  everywhere...  except  for  one  place.... Stories  are  told  about  a  mystical  land,  a  great  city  of  mirth  where  endless  fortunes  are  to  be  had  and  your  days  end  in   hysterical  merriment. I  am  of  course  talking  about  Edinburgh.  The  birth  place  of  many  world  renown  comedians  and  comedy  actors,  that  is  what  I'm   told  anyway.  Having  never  been,  I  do  not  have  a  frame  of  reference  to  what  it  is  truly  like  in  Edinburgh,  yet  I  can  cover  what   it's  like  NOT  to  be  there.   So,  what  is  it  like  not  being  at  the  festival?  It  SUCKS.  All  the  fun  is  wrenched  out  of  the  majority  of  the  world  for  the  month  of   August.  No  one  can  flourish  when  many  entertaining  moments  are  to  be  had  in  the  world  capital  of  guffaw.  Life  is  cruel,   cruelest  to  the  6.7  billion  of  us  that  aren't  experiencing  the  Edinburgh  dream. You  can  attempt  to  cheer  yourself  up  with  thoughts  of  some  unfortunate  features,  like  undesired  audience  members,  or  lack   of  audience  all  together...  "I  had  one  punter  at  my  show  who  didn't  laugh  once  despite  my  buying  them  a  drink,  which  was   more  expensive  than  their  ticket.  How  depressing,  I  paid  my  only  audience  to  watch  my  show  and  they  didn't  even  pretend  to   enjoy  it"...  at  least  they  got  a  show  out  there,  you  can  learn  most  from  when  a  show  doesn't  work.  Also  thinking  about  the   'cloudy  weather  they  must  be  having'  doesn't  help  -­  cloud  is  everywhere.

It's hard to admit to the bitterness of missing out on the festival of titters - so I won't. I am not yearning for te-hees and har-de-har's. I am not suppressing my comedic urges to have submerged myself into the juices of gleeful pain, backstage adrenalin and continuous chuckles. There is no way I have performance withdrawal syndrome , which has landed me in a whirlpool of mediocre puns. My eyes are not sourly green with envy for the lucky sods who graced stages every night for a month, honing and fine tuning their stage craft, meeting the most interesting characters in the world and drinking in the same vicinity as some world renown comics. NO, I am not bitter or jealous - I am utterly beside myself. Ho-hum, life goes on. To those who were at the festival this year, especially friends and industry acquaintances; despite my established absent bitter jealousy about not being at the festival, I sincerely hope that your time there was a profound success and you enjoyed every last moment. That you gave the audience ye ol' giggle, made the people's bellies jiggle, helped the peoples thoughts wiggle. Because that is what it is about striving to be the best little comedy elves you can, who bring cheer, happiness and fresh ideas to the land that will spread like the new robot language Roila (its real, look it up). Although it is gutting to miss out on a fantastical adventure across the globe, it is an uplifting thought that another exciting escapade is starting in a few short weeks right here in Melbourne.... yes that's correct, the Melbourne Fringe Festival. Beginning at the end of September, there will be a variety of performers ready to fulfill your giggle hunger and laughing desires... and hopefully a chance for me to fulfill my need to bring that to you too. If you have reached the end of this article, I thank you for reading. This is my first piece (and hopefully not my last). I'm NAT... see you at Melbourne Fringe. Twitter: @natbritten Facebook:

The Melbourne University Comedy Revue Board: (L-R) Toby Silcock, Ben Tumney, Ailsa Dunlop, Raksha Mahtani, Sam Tupper Not pictured: Juliet Archibald, Ben Volchok

FOR REVUE DOLLARS MORE By Ailsa DOLLARS Dunlop FOR REVUE MORE The Melbourne University Comedy Revue Board’s inaugural season ‘For Revue Dollars More’ kicks off this October. I spoke to the group’s founders, Toby Silcock and Ben Volchok.

How did you get involved in comedy?

How was the Revue Board formed?

Toby: Through a high school teacher of mine called Chris Allen. Although ever-so-slightly nerdy and a public servant to his back teeth, he was an excellent drama teacher who for whatever reason had a personal interest in improv theatre and stand-up. He basically ditched what I had expected would be high drama for lessons in the different types of stand-up comedy and Theatre Sports techniques. He actually made it a class project to do bits for the Melbourne Comedy Festival Class Clowns auditions. From there it kinda sticks and I took up any opportunity to do it that I could.

Ben: I’d always wanted to be part of some sort of revue ever since I started university, but there wasn’t really much opportunity. For the last few years of high school I got really into Fry and Laurie and the Pythons and so on, so the whole revue thing was stuck in my head. Eventually I gathered a few people and put on a short performance early last year, but that wasn’t really huge. Later on in the year I managed to scrape together some more material and do a smaller but more satisfying revue as part of Mudfest; the Melbourne University student arts festival. This year I wanted to do another one (comedy is a drug) and fortunately met Toby who shared an interest in this.

Ben: I’d been writing funny short stories and things throughout high school, but I was never a performer until I got to uni. I was in a darkly comic play in first year then in second year entered the campus comedy competition, which I didn’t win. After that I started delving into stand-up comedy around Melbourne, which is still a slow endeavour especially with concurrent study. This year I did win that competition, so I guess third time lucky. All that mostly stemmed from extensive comedy consumption and research from about age fifteen. It must have somehow inspired me to start doing instead of just laughing.

Toby: I believe Ben was manning the Cosmic Hitchhikers Appreciation Society stall at Open Day. When I purchased my membership and 42 badge, I made some quips to try and seem smart and he did the same. Then we re-encountered each other at a stand-up comedy workshop and he mentioned that he had wanted to do a revue for some time. Over the next few weeks, he chased me down over the free pizza at one of the thousands of club events he runs and brought it up again. We sent emails, got a team, a prod manager, a stage, and some other imaginary things called “sketches” that were bled straight from our brains onto the page. That’s the most disgusting metaphor I think I’ve used today, by the way.

For Revue Dollars More

By Ailsa Dunlop

Where do you see the Revue Board going in the future?

Finally, what’s your favourite joke?

Ben: Well I’m ambitious, so I’d like the group to continue and maybe enter the various festivals in Melbourne. What I’d most like is to have a kind of Footlights-style weekly performance schedule, where small shows would be put on every week and the best of that material would be gathered into an annual or biannual show. It would be a great way to do regular comedy.

Toby: One from George Carlin: “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.’”

Toby: I hope to provide a collaborative writing space that’s mainly focused on the quality of the material and much less about the showier aspects. With a smaller theatre and lower costs we get a lot more leeway to try focus entirely on the quality of the material, not as much about the way it’s done. I think the most important thing is 50% of why people go to uni – meeting people. I mainly wanted to meet the funny people on campus, come up with funny material with them and then keep them as friends (or “contacts”, as people have forced me to call them) for later use (“social benefit” is a phrase that I’ve heard bandied around). Throw some ideas together, have fun and also develop some really good working relationships for when we leave university for the hateful world of capitalist wage slavery.


Co-­devised by Rob Lloyd and Kelsey Gade

September 28 -­ October 13 8:00PM (7:00pm Sundays)

Fringe Hub -­ Meeting Room -­ North Melbourne Town Hall 521 Queensberry St North Melbourne 2 for 1 : Opening Night 28 Sept and 6 Oct

Ben: I can’t go past, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.” It’s surprisingly underrated.

‘For Revue Dollars More’ runs from the 2nd through the 6th of October at

the Guild Theatre, Union House, University of Melbourne. For more information and updates visit

Facty Fact!

By Dave Warneke

Hi I’m Dave Warneke, and as you

can probably tell I love facts. I just can’t get enough their facty goodness. It all started one Christmas when I received a less than inspiring gift from a relative... It was a calendar. I feigned enthusiasm as only a teenager could and forgot about it for a few days. But later I realised that it wasn’t just any old useless date diary, but rather a page a day ‘Ripley’s Believe Or Not?’ calendar of joy.

FACT: Only one in five people over 100 is male. FACT: If you could travel at the speed of light you could reach the moon in under two seconds. FACT: In scrabble there are more E’s than any other letter. FACT: The world’s largest church is in Cote d’Voire in West Africa.

Every day contained three or four unusual facts or pointless bits of information and by January the 2nd I was hooked. I would read the facts every night before bed learning about things that no one needs to know, the more pointless the snippet of information the more I liked it.

In order to promote my show I decided on a whim to start a Comedy Festival only podcast called Facty Fact. One night driving home from my trivia gig I came up with the idea of playing a sort of mini bluffing fact based game with comedic guests.

Cut to 5 years later and I’m still fact obsessed. Even my job is to host pub and corporate trivia nights, resulting in yes you guessed it, access to more trivial facts and questions.

I have tens of these late night ideas a year and not that many come to fruition but I stayed up half the night planning and that weekend I recorded my first episode of the podcast.

I started performing stand up comedy in Melbourne a couple of years ago and this year facts even crept into that part of my life when I performed a show at the 2012 Melbourne Comedy Festival. The theme of the show was facts so I gave it the less than adventurous title of FACT!

The show went really well and I had some great guests both locally and from overseas. People seemed to really get into the game of bringing in facts that are either true or false and getting points if they convince other’s their false fact is true, or if call the other player’s bluff.

Since the Comedy Festival and the rather surprising success of the podcast I have been plotting and scheming to take Facty Fact to the stage and develop it into a full blown live comedy panel show. The day that my dream came to life was September 12. Joining me were a stellar line up of properly accomplished comedians including Lawrence Leung, Josh Earl, Geraldine Quinn, Andrew McClelland, Luke McGregor and Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall. Split into two teams of 3 comedians acted out, captioned, guessed and bluffed their way through several rounds of fact based hilarity. The hope is to bring the show back as a late night show during the 2013 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. This is one young comedian’s dream… And that’s a FACT!

Listen to episodes of The Facty Fact Podcast here:

There’s a saying in comedy, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ you get heckled

but ‘when.’ I recently was involved in this sacred, sacred initiation right at a gig in Adelaide’s delightful northern suburbs. After seeing some members of the audience and hearing the reactions to some of the other performer’s jokes, I realised very quickly I would need to dumb down the language that I was using. I should point out I wasn’t exactly trying to explain Einstein’s theory of relativity; it was a banal piece about the idiots I have had to serve mistake. Apart from one gig, all of my gigs have been in proper comedy venues full of people ready and wanting to laugh. This particular venue was the foyer of the Playford Civic Centre and the the odd semi-racist joke. My jokes would do very well at the Rhino Room in the CBD, the Lizbef Locals would prove to be less understanding of my attempts at humour. vocalisation. I didn’t quite hear it or understand it, but I pushed on despite the interruption to my routine. At this point I stopped caring about the reaction from the crowd. They weren’t really there to laugh and I wasn’t going to come down to their level. There were four main tables in the front row, two were polite and laughed when appropriate, and two had drunk enough cans of Jack Daniel’s to support Tennessee’s economy for the next 300 years. It was these two tables that gave the 20 comedians that night the most trouble and was the main topic of discussion backstage. The people on these tables had paid $25 for a night of comedy, only to ruin it with stupid comments

TACKLING HECKLING BY NICK O’CONNELL I just don’t understand why people would heckle a comedian and ruin the night not only for the rest of the audience, but for themselves. Perhaps it goes someway in explaining why 95% of heckles are made by drunken idiots and are unintelligible. The second heckle came as I was wrapping up my set, but this time it was more understandable and a little intimidating. My closer involves me gradually getting angrier and angrier, I pause and straighten myself up and I say goodnight. It was in this pause the same woman, who had heckled at me before, yelled at me, “I can’t wait to heckle you mate.” I said goodnight and left the stage. It wasn’t exactly the best gig that I had done, but it did provide me with some valuable experience. I’m now a little more prepared if an audience member pipes up heckled, I may not have got as many laughs as I had wanted, but the heckles didn’t dim my passion for comedy, they have only motivated me.

Twitter address: My blog: (Witty, Pithy And None Of The Above)

Geraldine Quinn

The Piano Has Been Drinkin’ October 3rd - 9pm

Fringe Club - North Melbourne Town Hall 521 Queensberry St North Melbourne (Free Entry)

Rueben (sic) and The True Cost Of Myki John Potter

Rueben clutched his Myki scanner and watched the rain pound against the windows of the route 16 tram he was currently onboard. It had been six months since his release from prison and return to his job as ticket inspector. At first, Yarra Trams had been reluctant to rehire him - Rueben had been sent to prison for running over an old Chinese woman with a thresher because she’d failed to produce a valid health care card to support her concession - but times were tough, and applicants were thin on the ground. They’d taken him back on one condition - no vigilante justice. No vigilante justice. Rueben spat at the thought. Where he came from Launching Place - his badge gave him the right to throw a pregnant woman headlong through a cafe window for putting her feet on the seats. Around him the passengers were straggling onto the stalled tram. He hated it here at the end of the line. Before he went inside the Big House, ticket inspectors used to command respect. Now, not so much. Years of human rights lawsuits from nosy-left wing do-gooders had taken the fun out of locking primary school-aged children inside vending machines until they produced a valid concession card. Rueben had tried to put the dark days of prison behind him but on rainy days like these, his mind was flooded with memories of the long, sensual showers, nightly pillow fights and perfumed soaps that were his prison life. He closed his eyes and took a deep whiff, but his reminiscing was broken by a voice.

“Hello, Rueben.” It was Alice. Dallas Alice. Named for a line in a Little Feat song, Alice was the girl on the outside while he was on the inside. At first she’d maintained contact, but as the weeks and years progressed the visits grew fewer and fewer and before long, she’d stopped visiting altogether. Rueben later heard from a squealer that she’d found a new squeeze on the outside; a teenager whose claim to fame was graffiting the word “CHODE” in six foot letters on the wall of the Hawthorn Aquatic Centre. No amount of senior citizens Rueben could harvest would ever give him that kind of street cred. “Whatever happened to your Chode?” sputtered Rueben indignantly as he stared deep into her eyes. Her face, framed by that golden hair, looked as fresh as the day they’d met at a Concrete Blonde concert twenty five years before. Those lips. Those thighs. That epidermis... “He’s dead now,” sighed Alice. “He ran his Seat Ibiza off a cliff.” Rueben was outraged. “What kind of gimp drives a SEAT Ibiza?” he shouted. “Rueben, language,” chided Alice as the tram slowly began to fill with private school boys. “You and I both know SEATs are gimp mobiles,” Rueben retorted through gritted teeth. Alice frowned. “Rueben, I didn’t come here to argue about European cars,” she hissed. “I came back because...” A pause. “Because why?” demanded Rueben.

Rueben (sic) and The True Cost Of Myki John Potter

“I came back because I miss the feel of your stubble against the cheeks of my bottom.” said Alice quietly. More memories came flooding back to Rueben. Nights spent rubbing his stubbly chin over her smooth bottom, then days spent rubbing her bottom with aloe vera ointment.... “Those days are over!” shouted Rueben, startling an old man standing next to him. “You had your chance while I was stuck in the Stoney Lonesome. Do you know what it’s like for a ticket inspector on the inside? There were days....” Rueben struggled to hold back the tears, “...there were days where I didn’t have clean underwear!” Alice was contemptuous. “You’re not half the man you used to be. Look at you, surrounded by snot-nosed teenagers who haven’t even touched on their Myki cards. Ten years ago you would have nipple-crippled each and every one.” Rueben paused, his lower lip trembling. “You’re right. What’s become of me?” he stammered. “Prove you’re a man!” Alice cried. Rueben turned to the snotty snot-faced snot-snot standing next to him. “Show me your pass, or may God have mercy, I am going to administer a nipple-cripple you will not soon forget.” “But sir,” said the startled teen, “what of me ‘uman rights?” “Fuck your human rights!” said Rueben, and administered a nipple-cripple so severe it brought tears to the young boy’s eyes. “Cor!” he cried. “Oh Rueben!” cried Alice as the passengers broke into spontaneous applause. “You abused a child! You are a man after all!” Rueben took Alice’s hand, and together, to a chorus of cheers from the largely drunk audience, they bounded down the steps of the tram. “Cor!” said the teenager to nobody in particular as he untwisted his nipple. “One day I am going to be a ticket inspector, and all the glory in the world will belong to me!”

The Death of Print Media Josh Samuels

I keep  reading  in  newspapers  about  the  absurd  notion  of   the  “death  of  print  media.”  To  me  this  seems  like  Today   Tonight  doing  a  piece  about  the  death  of  hard-­hitting   journalism.  I  believe  newspapers,  magazines  and  books   are  not  going  anywhere;;  after  all  they’re  inanimate  objects   that  cannot  move  of  their  own  volition.  If  print  media  did   suddenly  gain  sentience  and  began  terrorizing  the   countryside  we  would,  grab  pitchforks  and  torches  and   corner  it  in  the  old  barn. The  birth  print  media  goes  back  to  the  1400s.  Johannes   Gutenberg’s  invention  of  the  printing  press  produced  the   written  word  for  five  centuries  (a  sixth  century  was  in  the   making  but  was  tragically  cut  short  by  a  dodgy  LBW  call  on   97).  Fascinatingly,  I  found  that  the  public  did  not  instantly   embrace  books  in  the  same  way  it  has  tribal  tattoos,  Justin   Beiber,  or  the  word  “totes.”   In  fact  the  first  book  produced  by  Gutenberg,  “The  Bible,”   was  not  a  big  hit.  Sales  were  limited  the  clergy,  the  nobility   and  people  who,  like  myself,  take  ages  on  the  toilet.   Peasants,  unable  to  decipher  the  words  on  the  covers,   used  them  to  stop  bullets  from  hitting  them  in  the  heart.  It   was  Guttenberg’s  second  book,  “How  To  Read”  that  really   kick  started  the  printing  revolution.  The  handwriting  was  on   the  wall  for  those  who  manually  copied  books. Now  the  Internet  is  slated  to  kill  the  publishing  industry.  Will   print  media  be  subjected  to  death  by  a  thousand  paper   cuts,  or  will  digital  media  devour  in  one  big  byte?  People   now  hungrily  consume  media  via  the  web  but  I  believe   there  is  still  an  appetite  for  the  printed  page,  which   publishers  must  feed  lest  we  face  a  literary  famine.

For me,  certain  experiences  are  incomplete  without  the   printed  page.   (1)  Sitting  in  a  dentist  surgery  without  an  issue  of  National   Geographic  from  1997  (2)  Waiting  for  a  hipster  with   skinny  jeans  and  an  ironic  t-­shirt  to  make  my  soy  latte   without  a  gig  guide  of  local  bands  I’ve  never  heard  of  and   don’t  want  to  go  and  see  (3)  A  homeless  person  annoying   me  for  money  without  a  copy  of  the  Big  Issue  to  sell.  Also,   imagine  a  Nazi  book  burning  where  they  toss  Kindles  and   iPads  onto  a  scorching  heap.  It  just  wouldn’t  be  the  same. The  really  Kindle  fires  me  up  to  the  point  where  I  ignite   blazing  rows  with  these  eBook  users.  “Books  were  meant   to  be  analog,”  I  say,  quoting  an  article  I  read  on  my   Flipboard  app.  I  wonder  is  there  was  a  pill  that  would   make  tablets  go  away?  Tragically  digital  reading  devices   are  here  to  stay  like  cane  toads,  the  Green  Party  and  the   Kardashians. I  will  do  my  part  to  keep  print  media  alive  and  keep   subscribing  to  The  Age,  Australian  Shooter  and  Queer   News  as  long  as  they  keep  putting  out  a  quality  product   and  my  flatmate  pays  the  fees. Twitter: blog:


You should be proud of me. I quit! I couldn’t live

with the shame anymore. From the get-go, I felt the project wasn’t right. So I up and left and didn’t look back. Except once as I was walking out the door and thought I heard someone call out my name. It turned out just to be the sandwich press. Oh and technically once more. When I reached the elevator, I realised I’d forgotten my favourite calendar and in order to not look back, I had to walk backwards through the office to my desk. This of course turned out to be more undignified than looking back, so when I got to the front door and remembered I’d also left my phone, wallet, bag, umbrella, shoes and keys, I faced forward for the return journey. The project seemed a decent idea at the time. During the mid 80s there was a momentary craze of colourising old black and white movies to expose the films to new audiences. The process was a little crude and the quality not great. As everyone is obsessed with all things retro these days, a giant conglomerate approached me to decolourise classic colour films. The idea seemed to have artistic merit, I quite like the charm of black and white movies and I’m pretty hip, so I accepted. Firstly, I completely screwed the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy’s arrival in Oz has zero impact if she pushes open the door to find the land of grey scenic paint. It could still be Kansas. It’s like unwrapping a present and finding you’ve been given a replica of the box you just opened. Also, the yellow brick road isn’t yellow and everyone keeps saying it is! As far as a new viewer is concerned, it could actually be grey and I had to add in a munchkin saying, “It is yellow. No really, take my word for it.”

Pleasantville now makes no sense and decolourising the 1989 colourised version of the original King Kong was an epic waste of resources. The toneless, fuzzy product the poor quality of the source material forced me to produce is unwatchable. It’s also completely pointless as the 1933 version of King Kong is already freely available. Schindler’s List is far less poetic, the Three Colours trilogy misleading and when people see “Colour by Technicolor” in monochrome during the credits, it might trigger them to run out of their lounge rooms and straight to an eye specialist. Though, I felt LA Confidential was improved and I’m glad of what I did to the special edition of The Empire Strikes Back. I apologise for my involvement in filmic vandalism, but at the very least, I’ve severed my ties with the company. Well, almost... I realised I don’t own a computer, so thought I’d just write this and quickly decolourise the Stargate sequence from 2001: A Space Odyssey before I leave the office with dignity.


LLIAM AMOR - Illustrator



BRYCE MCCOY Photographer



JULIA CLARKE - Illustrator

SARAH CORKE - Illustrator


DEAN PANE - Writer







Yawp mag Sep2012 Issue 4  

Welcome to Yawp mag September issue.