Contents 3. 4. 5. 8. 10. 12. 13. 14. 16. 18. 20. 24. 25. 26. 29. 30.
Comedy Bites Dog Podcast Review
- Kirsty Wilson - Dean & Margie Awesome Shows, Great Job? - Carly Milroy Deathstar Canteen - Lauren Gysberts Free Comedy@ Station 59 - Shanti Phillips Airport Security is Pointless - Xavier Toby - Emma Zammit Shapiro Tuesday’s Raising Comic Standards - Katherine Phelps Bok’s Gong Show - Lauren Bok On NOT being in Edinburgh - Nat Britten For Revue Dollars More - Ailsa Dunlop Facty Fact - Dave Warneke Tackling Hecklers - Nick O’Connell Rueben & The True Cost of Myki - John Potter The Death of Print Media - Josh Samuels Over the Rainbow - Simon Godfrey
Comedy Bites Dog
By Kirsty Wilson
On September 9th 2012 a gang of good-hearted comedians took over funky Swanston Street venue The Order of Melbourne, to put on a jam-packed show raising awareness for an increasingly prevalent issue: mood disorders. The night took off with MC and comedian Bev Killick greeting the audience with gags about motherhood, an appropriate theme seeing as her son Abel was the reason we were there; Abel is taking up the Black Dog Institute’s Peru Challenge 2012, which means twelve days of hiking mountains in Peru to raise money for mood disorder awareness - disorders from which he also suffers. Wacky Jody J Hill kicks off with her common sense philosophies on alcohol slogans such as ‘Don’t drink and ink’, ‘Don’t drink and dial’ and ‘Don’t drink, you’ll get pregnant’. Then, from the corner of the venue (closest to the bar) an over-the-top dress of black tulle and a head of hair teased to the size of Tasmania, emerges from the crowd and onto the stage and - lo and behold! It’s foul-mouthed and filthy Monte Diamonte. She loses the dress, reveals her barely covered mammoth breasts and launches into a disgusting yet fabulous song about well, f**king. Steve Bedwell followed, joking ‘Don’t you hate it when someone else steals your song?’ He then took us for a walk down memory lane. Remember when Mum would come and kiss you goodnight with a cigarette in her hand, and have to wipe the cigarette ash from your eye? Or when the coolest kid in school was the one who could peel off the biggest piece of skin from his sunburnt body? Dave Callan, with his crazy hair and golf pants, seems so comfortable on stage it’s like being in your lounge room. After the continuous laughs (telling jokes about Australians to Australians always goes down well) he took a moment to share his insight into depression and mood disorders: ‘You have to realise that our psychology is like a garden, and there’s weeds in the garden, and it’s up to you to get the weeds the f**k out ...’ He went on to say, ‘ … the best advice you can give somebody who might be feeling a bit depressed is: do something nice for somebody else.’
So far, around $3,000 of the $4,000 needed to take Abel to Peru has been raised.
Who loves a good dick trick? Who doesn’t love a good dick trick! A stark naked David ‘Friendy’ Friend (Pupperty of the Penis) had the crowd cacking themselves at dick tricks named ‘The Parachute’, ‘The Woman’, ‘The Eiffel Tower’ and ‘The Slowly Emerging Mollusk’. Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt. Friendy says ‘These things are durable.’ It doesn’t matter how old you are, everybody loves to be amazed by a magician. Famous Australian comedian/magician extraordinaire Anthony Demasi turned a dove into fire, turned bubbles into balls and performed a Houdini escape trick among other cool magician stuff. He was even kind enough to lend out his bunnies, which were seen on the shoulders of beaming audience members during the rest of night. Then there was Simon Palomares. What a guy. Such an authentic ability to tell jokes that the sound of knowing laughter was heard all the way through his act, as he made jokes about aging, parenting, his Emo teenage sons (who can’t express the depth of darkness of their souls and would probably rather go to a Satanic ritual at Flinders Street Station than visit their Grandparents) and the battle of introducing technology to aging parents. Upon seeing one of the Emo children painting his fingernails black, Grandpa Palomares says in his Spanish accent, ‘I can do that for you with a hammer.’ Crowd favourite Pommy Johnson closed the night and impressed the audience with his quick wit and skill at improvising. The night’s atmosphere was of absolute love and laughter. Comedy Bites Dog gave everyone a chance to get involved and do something great: raise money for a hands-down worthy cause. Bev’s heartfelt words can still be heard even after the show: ‘Love each other, and have a f**king laugh!’
To donate to Abel’s cause, visit: http://peruchallenge2012.gofundraise.com.au/page/AbelKillick
DEANO AND MARGIE present The Podcast Review
THE MINUTES PATIENCE HODGSON & MEL BUTTLE Quickie Who: Patience Hodgson from The Grates and comedian Mel Buttle. Content: Stories from the adventures of two vintage loving, one eyed cat wielding, wicked wing loving females. Listen While: Driving or catching the tram. Episode to listen to: Episode 5 Rating: A solid 8.5 wicked wingz out of 10.
Listening to The Minutes is very much like visiting
your local pool and taking a dip in the communal hot tub. It’s enjoyable when you're neck deep in steamy hot water but you soon realize the consequences of your plunge when you develop that itchy rash later on. At first listen, you risk concluding that this podcast is nothing more than an enthusiastic girl chat peppered with anecdotes. It does not take long however to realize that Mel and Patience are not only comical but relatable; a duo as dynamic as they come. The girls themselves describe the 35 – 40 minute podcasts as “loose and homemade”, as if it’s solely a product of them pressing “record on their couch catch ups”. As their biography lets on, Patience Hodgson is the multitalented front woman of the Aria-award-nominated band The Grates. Her comedic counterpart is Mel Buttle, a stand up comic and regular on many radio stations including Nova and Triple J.
Topics for discussion include the dreaminess of Tyler from Teen Mom, Patience’s one eyed cat “Mrs Eyeball” who has since passed away (RIP) and the girls' beloved snack wicked wings. Some episodes feature fifteen minute conversations about a girl vomiting all over the floor on a bus, while others see visits from various guests including comedian Tom Ballard, radio show host Alex Dyson, indie singer Lanie Lane and an entertaining session with kiwi comedian Cal Wilson.
It must be said however that such podcasts based loosely on everyday activities and adventures run the risk of becoming mundane. Mel and Patience can at times sound as if they are toeing the line between comedy and waffled story telling. Believe us when we say we can relate to this, as well as their adoration of 90s bum bags and Maggie Beer. We too get sick of listening to each other on our long bus rides to uni. Though with each rare moment of uninteresting banter there’s enough wit and comedic relief to keep you listening. These girls may at first sound like those crazy cat woman down the street you’ve spend years trying to advert eye contact with, but they really are two down to earth, Aussie girls doing something they enjoy for the benefit of our laugh muscles. You may find yourself on a bus one day, probably stuck uncomfortably next to one of us, thinking of this review while choosing which podcast to listen to next. We hope though that your decision is an easy one, and that The Minutes with Mel and Patience is sounding through your headphones forcing you to laugh to yourself while thinking of that poor bus driver mopping the vomit of his buses floor, because just like the hot tub, you may be left wondering what exactly you’ve heard, but can’t help but be back for more.
By Carly Milroy
Awesome Shows, Great Job?
If I offered an accurate summary of this page in three sentences, would anyone actually bother to read the entire article? Don’t lie. You probably wouldn’t. You bastard. Then again why should you? With the inundation of information we seem to be absorbing daily, it’s no wonder our attention spans are compressing. We are constantly soaking in an endless montage of news feeds and tweets and headline updates. I suppose it should be dizzying, like a disorientating Baz Luhrman sequence. But you know what? For many people it just isn’t. We’ve adapted. We feel entitled to know everything there is to know. In an abbreviated form. Right now. It’s nothing you haven’t heard before. Popular media, our families and the guy behind the counter at the milk bar are perpetually telling us ‘Generation Y consume technology like pop-tarts, want the short versn pls m8, don’t listen to anyone when…’ And so on. We get it. At least, we get the first 120 characters or so. There’s no denying it; we appear to be the subjects of an international attention deficit syndrome. This channel flicking culture is implicated in multiple facets of our lives, not surprisingly including the way we consume and create entertainment. Take for example the music industry; segregating music into singles and itune bites instead of long play albums now guarantees a two-point-something minute musical experience. Quickly chew it up and move on to something new. Nom nom nom nom.
“...we appear to be the subjects of an international attention deficit syndrome.”
Similarly, you may have noticed a shift in comedy trends. Typical sketch, stand-up or situational comedy once followed a relatively sequential narrative. Sketch comedians such as Laurie and Fry lined up ridiculous scenarios for sure, but there was always a beginning, middle and – sometimes literally - the final punch. Sure, the Monty Python boys waved delightfully absurd sketch treats under our noses; but even the visual and largely surreal Terry Gilliam animations would linger long enough for the audience to process what it was they actually thought they were seeing. There never seemed to be this intention of momentarily distracting the viewer by hurling flashing images at them and running in the opposite direction to the next sketch.
Unlike Tim and Eric. Woah. If you’re unfamiliar with this duo, their show ‘Awesome Show, Great Job!’ is what you might see if someone took that dream where you show up at school in your underwear and turned it into a loud, tacky American infomercial. Also someone’s arm probably gets blown off just before you wake up. It leaves you wide-eyed, teary-eyed… stupefied. Together with their catalogue of guest comedians, Tim and Eric bash you over the head with absurdity, piss-bolt out the door then run back in yelling and blinding you with a spraycan of crazy. People. Are. Loving it. The apparent focus of each scene flips and changes constantly, evading any kind of continuity or sequence. Intentionally or otherwise, Tim and Eric have completely catered to a generation of viewers who want to absorb as much bizarre stimulus at once as they possibly can. Can their success be pegged on our refusal to endure any kind of narrative? Do we simply want to be ambushed by flashing lights and incongruous images until they elicit a baffled laughter from our lips? And if so, it begs the question: For how long is this sensory overload brand of comedy sustainable? After all, Tim and Eric aren’t the only contributors to ‘attention deficit’ comedy - audiences and comedians alike are perpetuating the trend. You saw it happening on Family Guy, leaping between flash backs and flash forwards and flash sidewards. You can see it taking ground with comedians such as Demitri Martin often steering away from storytelling and reverting back to pulling gags out of his guitar, one right after the other.
TRUTH
September 28 - October 5 7.45pm (Sun 6.45pm)
Slow Clap Presents
Fringe Hub The Ballroom, Lithuanian Club 44 Errol St North Melbourne
slowclapproductions.blogspot.com
Awesome Shows, Great Job?
By Carly Milroy So why should the professionals get all the fun? As an accumulative audience, we ourselves are creating countless web channels to flick between. YouTube is fast becoming one of the biggest sources of laughter for our generation. People falling over. Cats. People falling over cats. These clips lure us in with the promise of instant laughter-gratification from a mere 20 seconds of concentration! We’re obsessed with immediacy. Visually we have even traded in ye olde comic strips for the single cell meme. Ah yes, think back to your first meme-induced chuckle... ‘You mean I can get all my laughs from one image!? And all this time I’ve been scanning my eyes across the page like a chump!’ So long, Garfield. Good on us. We absolutely should be able to consume and enjoy whatever comedic brand tickles our fancy. Online access to millions of web series, clips, memes, routines and so on probably means we can afford to expect fast paced and erratic humour for now. I wonder, though, where do we go from here? If relating to each other through engaging storytelling is as innately binding a human experience as I’m led to believe it is then our thirst for attention deficit entertainment is bound to burn out... right? Eventually it’s likely either comedians or their audiences are going to realise something’s missing and start demanding more from one another. Until then I suppose the big question you might ask is: “Who will snap first?” Or perhaps you’re still asking “where the hell is my three sentence summary?”
Death Star Canteen Comedy
Review by Lauren Gysberts
Death Star Canteen Comedy is an intimate stand-up comedy night that takes place every Wednesday from 8.30 pm at Caz Reitops Dirty Secrets, Collingwood. The night takes its name from the famous Eddie Izzard comedy routine “The Death Star Canteen” and houses a diverse range of acts from various experience levels. It is a friendly, funny and relaxed atmosphere that is run by Trav Nash and Dean Ezinberg, who are very approachable and encourage new talent to take to the stage with the sole ambition of promoting and furthering new and exciting comedy into the ether. The aim of Death Star Canteen is to encourage new and upcoming performers to get up and try their hand in front of a crowd, so it is a great place if you are starting out or want to try out new material. The night is held downstairs at Dirty Secrets; “Home of the world’s loneliest disco ball”. The evening’s MC Simon Keck refers to the room fondly as “..the fire hazard death trap comedy dungeon”. But dungeon, it is not!
With stone exposed walls and low lodge-like ceilings, the dim lighting and strategically placed ottomans ensure a warm and cosy spot for a drink among friends. It also promotes a low stage, which provides performers easy access to run on and off stage and allows patrons to really feel up close and personal with the acts. With its comfortable setting you can certainly see why the room has been in action for so long. The bar is located upstairs which can mean a bit of a trip away from the action, however the menu is nothing short of delectable. There is an extensive array of cocktails and various spirits on offer as well as loads of boutique beers to wet the palette. MC Simon Keck keeps the audience warm with a wealth of material between performers and also during the brackets. Some of the highlights included some amazing Shakespearean hip-hop from Charles Barrington, as well as Tony Besselink analysing how the person who gets to say “Hip-Hip” in Happy Birthday claims alpha male status in the modern world.
The new talent here is highly admirable and ensures an interesting show, as the acts contain loads of fresh and new material to ensure you will not hear any jokes you have heard a thousand times before. Overall the comedy here is fresh and funny! The show starts at 8:30pm, and is arranged into two brackets with 5 performers either side. There is no strict time-keeping with each act and the comedians tend to decipher when their time is up on their own. The Death Star Canteen is a fantastic night of entertainment and laughs, featuring an abundance of new talent in a relaxed and cozy atmosphere. The Death Star Canteen runs every Wednesday at Caz Reitop’s Dirty Secrets (80 Smith St, Collingwood Vic) and starts around 8:30pm. Check out their Facebook page for weekly line ups: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Death-Star-Canteen-Comedy-Night/148455391916263
NEIL SINCLAIR
PANIC! SEPTEMBER 26TH - OCTOBER 13TH 8PM The Dancing Dog 42A Albert Street Footscray
facebook.com/neilsinclaircomedy
By Sharnti Phillips
Free Comedy at Station 59 On Wednesday August 29, I decided to abstain from my usual hump-day activities (listening to “My Humps”, riding a camel and entering a Quasimodo look-a-like contest) to attend the Coopers Comedy Open Mic Night at Station 59. This cosy little Richmond pub has played host to a free weekly comedy night since June 2011. Inspired by the success of free comedy events at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, local funny fellas Nick Stevens and Kieran Butler decided to treat Melbournians to a free weekly comedy night of their own. It has proven popular with punters and performers alike, giving comedy newcomers a place to test out new material whilst encouraging the general public to take a chance on something different. And what with Australian families doing it tougher than ever, what with the GFC, the ADD and the KFC, who could say no to a night of free entertainment? Station 59 is an ideal venue for stand up; intimate but not cramped. The petite stage means the line between the audience and performer is virtually non-existent. This is bare bones comedy; the way it should be. Tonight, the crowd of around fifty amiable spectators had their funny bones caressed (and in some cases, molested) by twelve local up and comers, each with 5-7 minutes to show of their wares. This wasn’t the 'drunk-guy-gets-up-and-tells-fart-jokes' open mic night that I was expecting. Each performer had a well thought through set and there was something on show for all comedic tastes. Among the comedians was Sean Bedlam, who I had a chat to after the last laugh was had. He tells me that comedy is "such a powerful medium to explore differing points of view. I’ve been involved in grassroots activism for several years and I feel like comedy allows me to get my message across without people feeling like their being brainwashed by propaganda." Bedlam has been performing comedy for two years and is now preparing for his show Sean Bedlam: Fuck Shit Up in the Melbourne Fringe Festival this year. "It's a show about stepping out of your comfort zone, opening your mind to different ideas and most of all, fucking shit up." This passion for political awareness through comedy was as evident in his comedic performance on stage as it was in our conversation. Another personal favourite comedian of mine from the night was Liam Ryan. His fast-paced story telling and eloquent description of a festival port-a-loo as a “shit-Tardis” had me doubled over in fits of laughter. That’s what can be so great about open mic nights - finding laughs where you least expect them. The night really encouraged me to get out there and see and see some more free comedy, leaving me with the feeling that the next batch of comedy super stars are waiting to be found, and I think they’re having a drink at Station 59. Station 59 will be hosting free comedy events during the Melbourne Fringe Festival on Friday and Saturday nights from Sept 28 – Oct 13. For more details visit freecomedy.com.au Sean Bedlam: Fuck Shit Up is playing at Station 59, Richmond, Sep 28 & 29, Oct 5,6,12 & 13 at 6:30pm. For more details visit freecomedy.com.au
Airport Security is Pointless Xavier Toby Last week I was having a beer with two blokes I used to play amateur footy with, Gavin and Singo. Gavin said, ‘Airport security is out of control. The other day, I was catching this flight to Singapore for work, and they took a bottle off wine off me.’ Then Singo said, ‘Still better than being blown up.’ Now Singo’s a massive bogan, and as a bogan he believes that every immigrant is plotting an imminent terrorist attack. Not that he’d know what imminent meant. He actually thinks it means, ‘In a minute.’ Gavin agreed with Singo, so I explained to them exactly why airport security is pointless. It all starts with Oceans 11. There’s always a team trying to break into some impenetrable safe, and it keeps you watching as you need to how they do it. Well I’m like that with security checkpoints. Every time I wonder arrive at one, I wonder how a terrorist would get around it, and I can never figure it out. The security, it’s just too good. However the queues at the checkpoints are usually massive, far more people than actually on the planes, especially during peak hour, and that’s the answer. The terrorists should stop trying to get bombs onto planes, when they could take out far more people by just blowing up a security checkpoints. How could that be stopped? By putting in more checkpoints? If terrorists are blowing them up, more checkpoints just means more targets. But that’s never going to happen, because the security at airports isn’t there to stop terrorists. It’s there to make us feel safer, however it doesn’t actually make us any safer, as terrorists have plenty of other options. For example, you don’t go through a metal detector before you get into the Casino, Chadstone Shopping Centre, or the MCG.
Those risks are just too big and impractical to worry about, so we don’t bother. Which is the right way to go about things, because it’s impossible to protect everyone, all the time. Take Bondi Beach, with it’s millions of annual visitors. Sure we lose a few every year and we don’t misplace them, they drown, but there’s no way we’d shut down Bondi Beach. Especially not while those lifeguards are producing such quality television. I’m being serious. I actually don’t mind that show. By the way, do you know the odds of dying in a terrorist attack, on a plane? 25 million to one. That’s from the Wall Street Journal. And the odds of being killed in a car crash? Or that the earth will be hit by an asteroid in the next 100 years? They’re both 5,000 to one. So it’s 5,000 times more likely that you’ll be killed in a car crash or by an asteroid, than in a terrorist attack. But when’s the last time anyone saw a car or an asteroid, being put through a metal detector?
Xavier Toby is a comedian and writer. Upcoming gigs and other musings at: www.xaviertoby.com
Shapiro Tuesday Comedy Night
Emma Zammit
“Have you ever heard of Louis CK?” a young open mic-er asked me recently. “No? Who is that?” I replied in what I thought was my best sarcastic tone. “OMG you don’t know who he is!!” the open mic-er shrieked. Ok so obviously I need to work on my sarcasm tone some more. I run Shapiro Tuesday comedy night at the Lazy Susan’s Comedy Den. Shapiro’s is an open mic and experiential comedy night that encourages open mic-ers to perform and experienced comics to try new material. For those who want to try something more than stand up, we encourage quirky and experiential skits. For the past year there has been a HUGE interest in Perth of young, aspiring open mic-ers wanting to give comedy a go. “I have always wanted to try this and my friends think I am really funny”, they tell me. The interest is so big that Shapiro’s is fully booked until the end of October. Stand-up comedy is an addiction and once anyone has one night on stage they are instantly hooked, and rightly so. So why is there a sudden surge of interest in stand- up comedy in the Perth market? Firstly, you can have access to stand- up comedians quicker and easier than ever before with a quick press of the button on your mobile or YouTube. Back in my day (ughh I sound so old saying that), if I wanted to watch my favourite comedian then I would have to hire a VHS of their latest show. Waiting for “Roxanne” with Steve Martin to come out on VHS was a loonnnngg wait for me.
When Delirious came out on VHS in 1983 I was only one year old. My brother showed it to me when I was ten years old and I can still remember how hard I laughed on the couch watching it. I was amazed by this profession. I remember thinking 'I want to do that'. When I was younger I couldn’t google "funny comedians". I couldn’t google the manuscript from Bill Hicks' infamous controversy appearance on David Letterman that was cut. I had to rely on hardcopy encyclopedias that had the biographies of comedians or the history of stand-up comedy. I had no CLUE how many amazing comedians were out there. Nowadays there is a plethora of comedians around the world that I can access. Today you can watch almost any comedian you want. You can be inspired 24 hours a day. Secondly, there are more opportunities for open mic-ers to try their material each week. About three years ago Perth had just two open mic rooms for comedians to perform. For many years before that there was only one. In 2011-2012 there are six open mic rooms and more to be opening soon. On Mondays we have ‘Chuckles’ once a month. Every Tuesday we have Shapiro’s and The Comedy Shack once a month. On Wednesdays is the Laugh Resort who are soon to celebrate their 20 year anniversary, as well as Cheeky Monkeys and Ha Ha at Ya Ya’s. PHEW ! What is the most encouraging thing for open mic-ers isn't just the endless opportunities to get up each week,
but the fact that Perth audiences are always loyal and fill each room. As TV offers people less and less (like The Shire!), stand up is gaining prominence as great, cheap entertainment. For value, $5 Shapiro Tuesdays entry is hard to beat. With so many people wanting to try stand-up our audiences now have an expectation to have a different line up every week. We also have numerous comedy rooms for experienced comedians each week such as The Comedy Lounge and Lazy Susan’s Comedy Den. There is a stand-up comedy trend in Perth and I don’t think it is going to stop anytime soon. Unlike ‘planking’ which was short lived thank god, because I couldn’t hold that position for any longer than 15 seconds so I was never cool. Just so we are clear;; I know who Louis CK, Bill Hicks and Bill Burr are. I made the stupid mistake once when I first started stand-up by telling another inspiring comedian that I liked Dane Cook because I thought that he was the “cool comedian” everyone liked. They were horrified and I was instantly not included in the Cool Open Micers Group. Dammit, I had forgotten to Google “is Dane Cook cool and funny?” Comedy in Perth is the new black! Shapiro Tuesday is on at Lazy Susan’s Comedy Den, upstairs at the Brisbane Hotel, Perth, WA facebook.com/groups/69099 32961/
Katherine Phelps Raising Comic Standards Melbourne is home to the world's third largest comedy festival. This festival is where our comedians have the opportunity to launch themselves into international careers. However, we do not always make the best use of this opportunity, nor are we given sufficient support. International acts get much of the spotlight at the festival. Under- standably, people are interested. These are comedians they may not be able to see in this country at any other time. It would be nice to have more of our own highlighted. Having people here such as Bill Bailey, Ross Noble, The Pajama Men and the like gives our comedi- ans a chance to compare themselves with the best and raise their game. The question is how. During this year's festival I ran the Funny Females Networking Brunch (if you guys feel a wee bit jealous, just ask and we can put together something more pan-gendered). A number of the comedians expressed concerns about missing out on certain skills training. The biggest concern was simply losing their voices from performing 5-6 nights a week for 4 weeks. Others spoke about difficulties with developing sufficient material for an hour show and how to remember it all. Other arts have training to help with these issues. I rely heavily on my opera training for vocal control. So like the pro-active nut I am, I thought I could easily put together a series of workshops covering material which would be of most help to our comedians. The first workshop I felt strongly about organising was acting technique for comedians. This class would teach skills in how to properly use and protect your voice. You would also learn to build character through vocal techniques. This led onto the skills of creating comic characters in general. Ultimately, you are ALWAYS playing a character when you are on stage, even when it's just an exaggerated form of yourself. I wanted the leader for this workshop to be a seasoned comedian, a trained actor, and someone who was a talented teacher. A tall order, I know. Happily I did know someone who fit this job description. Rob Lloyd has a B.A. in Acting for Stage and Screen with CSU, as well as a degree in teaching. He was part of the ensemble for the first season of Thank God You're Here and now hosts the television show Live on Bowen, C31.
The next workshop idea I started poking around had to do with something I noticed at the festival. We have a healthy impro community around Melbourne. We also have a few sketch comedy groups and storytellers who like to physically enact their stories. All of these are using mime. Not all of them are using it well. Some performances I found myself staring at the comedians' movements, trying hard to envision the world they were creating. Like a miracle I stumbled across a hidden gem right here in Melbourne. Miklos is a classically trained mime artist from Europe. He studied with one of Marcel Marceau's students. In 2010 he travelled to Los Angeles and scored the top award in the official World Championships of Performing Arts in the comical acting category. He recently moved to Melbourne and is in the process of establishing himself. As such he still had the time to agree to teaching one of my workshops!
The third workshop developed because I thought we needed a third workshop, but couldn't think what it should be and who should run it. I mentioned this to friends and they looked at me like I was several nuts short of a fruitcake. "Aren't you teaching a workshop?" Duh. I thought back again to the networking brunch and the concerns about sufficient material and memorising. Those issues are easily taken care of through careful story structuring, and that's my PhD! I lectured in storytelling for computer game design for years at both RMIT and Victoria University. Having done both I can say, comic and computer based storytelling are not all that far apart. A good story structure helps a computer game to flow naturally from beginning to end, even when people are taking a bazillion different routes to get there. A good story structure keeps comedians on top of their material, even when they are improvising bits. A good story structure also suggests what needs to go where and helps you to write a show by filling in the blanks.
I actually love putting together this sort of stuff and I love teaching. If the comedy workshops go well: people feel their skills have been improved and we have sufficient numbers, we will put together more in the near future. We could easily arrange workshops in subjects such as how to plan a show going to Edinburgh Fringe, how to safely perform slapstick, how to create podcasts or vodcasts etc. Come along and support us supporting you to achieve an international standard of comic excellence.
Glass Wings presents Professional Comedy Skills Workshops Venue: Boyd Community Hub Address: 207-227 City Road, Southbank Time: 2-4pm Dates: 23 Sept, 21 Oct, 18 Nov Tickets Full: $60 Concession: $55 Prebook all 3: $140 (save $40) Web: glasswings.com/pcsw/ Ticketing: trybooking.com/BULV
Lauren Bok Firstly, an explanation. A Gong show is a concept that happens in the UK, mostly. I haven't seen anything like it Melbourne, at least for the amount of time I've been doing comedy, which sounds impressive, but in actual fact is August last year. In terms of the internet, there isn't anywhere I could find a definitive list of rules. (And I'm a pretty good interneter...er) Other than what I could glean from youtube and other assorted weird UK blogs (they ARE weird, aren't they? Like 2005 website design weird? Weird) I took what I could from that and formed my own set of rulez. This is they. 1. Comedian takes the stage. They are given 2 minutes grace period to get the audience onside. 2. At 2 minutes, I ring a little triangle to indicate that it's time to be pushed out of the proverbial airplane, sans parachute. (Aeroplane? Airplane? Is there really a difference?)
3. Shit, I forgot a bit. So before the show, I distribute 3 cards to 3 random members of the audience. This is to indicate a '3 strikes, you're out' thing. The cards are redistributed every few comics or so just in case one particular audience member gets cocky and trigger happy. 4. When the 2 minute period is up, those 3 audience people act as a bit of a judge and when they're getting bored, or they don't like the comedian or the joke, or whatever, they put their card up. If all 3 cards go up, then... 4. GONG TIME. Or in this case, large silver salad bowl and wooden spoon time. It had a really good tonal quality that resembled a gong exceptionally well, however I was informed that some audience members left in a huff at the start of the show because they were assured that there would be an actual gong present. Isn't it interesting that gong is at once an object, action AND onomatopoeia? SHUD- DUP. IS TOO INTERESTING. Ok, No one left. I made that up.
From a personal point of view (What other is there, but pfft, I've put enough musings in brackets for now) I had not put something together before, i.e. made a facebook event then booked in comic people and made a big thing about it. Then I got all this crazy nervous energy and didn't eat very much and was stressed out all week hoping that it would all come together and I could get in a good audience so that the comics wouldn't be mad and the whole concept kind of relies on audience but there are so many other things they could be doing with their Friday and Saturday nights and how will my weird thing I just came up with hold up in the face of the months of preparation and thousands of dollars legitimate comedians have poured into their comedy festival shows in order to get bums on seats. But NO. People rocked up and rocked out, it was all good. The concept, as an experiment, worked, with a few changes that added to strange awesomeness of the night:
Lauren Bok 1. Up until the first night, in my notebook I just had the words "Audience Cards" written somewhere. They somehow did not magically appear. So I sat outside at the venue writing up the list of comedians, while some coerced friends fashioned some kicky paper fans at the last minute. The result being when they were distributed amongst the audience, I was unsure as to whether the audience member in possession of said fan was raising their distaste for the current performer, or indeed raising some fictional auction by increments of 50 pounds sterling. 2. All audience participants that took on the power of the fan were given lolly bracelets.That hard candy with a chalky consistency. You know, the ones they make edible g-strings out of...Delicious, and nutritious. 3. All performers were given an encouragement sticker, with such words of wisdom imprinted on them like "Neat Work" and "Superstar Speller". In hindsight they may have been more appropriate for educational purposes. 4. Fun was had by all, except those that got gonged off. They were subject to the humiliation only known to small children that do things like fall off monkey bars, or forget to put their underwear on when they get changed at the pool, and the teacher holds up a pair of undies to the whole bus and says 'Who's undies are these?" Still, it's good to know in these times, there is still nothing like the electric crackle of laughter from a sweaty, beer-soaked audience that stokes the fires of a comic's ego, especially if it's in a competitive atmosphere and there is thousands of dollars at stake. Or, the same, but with no dollars at stake. Still the sweaty, beer-swilling masses though. Better come along and see it for realsies. Bok’s Gong Show will run during Fringe at Station 59 as part of the Free Fringe Festival. 9.30pm every Friday- 28th of September, 5th and 12th of October.
Illustrations: Julia Clarke
Nat - On NOT Being in Edinburgh
Nat Britten
The month of August is a sad and lonely existence. Despair spreads throughout the world, comedy clubs become baron wastelands of doleful comics and starved hecklers. All laughter and fun subsides, everywhere... except for one place.... Stories are told about a mystical land, a great city of mirth where endless fortunes are to be had and your days end in hysterical merriment. I am of course talking about Edinburgh. The birth place of many world renown comedians and comedy actors, that is what I'm told anyway. Having never been, I do not have a frame of reference to what it is truly like in Edinburgh, yet I can cover what it's like NOT to be there. So, what is it like not being at the festival? It SUCKS. All the fun is wrenched out of the majority of the world for the month of August. No one can flourish when many entertaining moments are to be had in the world capital of guffaw. Life is cruel, cruelest to the 6.7 billion of us that aren't experiencing the Edinburgh dream. You can attempt to cheer yourself up with thoughts of some unfortunate features, like undesired audience members, or lack of audience all together... "I had one punter at my show who didn't laugh once despite my buying them a drink, which was more expensive than their ticket. How depressing, I paid my only audience to watch my show and they didn't even pretend to enjoy it"... at least they got a show out there, you can learn most from when a show doesn't work. Also thinking about the 'cloudy weather they must be having' doesn't help - cloud is everywhere.
It's hard to admit to the bitterness of missing out on the festival of titters - so I won't. I am not yearning for te-hees and har-de-har's. I am not suppressing my comedic urges to have submerged myself into the juices of gleeful pain, backstage adrenalin and continuous chuckles. There is no way I have performance withdrawal syndrome , which has landed me in a whirlpool of mediocre puns. My eyes are not sourly green with envy for the lucky sods who graced stages every night for a month, honing and fine tuning their stage craft, meeting the most interesting characters in the world and drinking in the same vicinity as some world renown comics. NO, I am not bitter or jealous - I am utterly beside myself. Ho-hum, life goes on. To those who were at the festival this year, especially friends and industry acquaintances; despite my established absent bitter jealousy about not being at the festival, I sincerely hope that your time there was a profound success and you enjoyed every last moment. That you gave the audience ye ol' giggle, made the people's bellies jiggle, helped the peoples thoughts wiggle. Because that is what it is about striving to be the best little comedy elves you can, who bring cheer, happiness and fresh ideas to the land that will spread like the new robot language Roila (its real, look it up). Although it is gutting to miss out on a fantastical adventure across the globe, it is an uplifting thought that another exciting escapade is starting in a few short weeks right here in Melbourne.... yes that's correct, the Melbourne Fringe Festival. Beginning at the end of September, there will be a variety of performers ready to fulfill your giggle hunger and laughing desires... and hopefully a chance for me to fulfill my need to bring that to you too. If you have reached the end of this article, I thank you for reading. This is my first piece (and hopefully not my last). I'm NAT... see you at Melbourne Fringe. Twitter: @natbritten Facebook: www.facebook.com/natbritten
The Melbourne University Comedy Revue Board: (L-R) Toby Silcock, Ben Tumney, Ailsa Dunlop, Raksha Mahtani, Sam Tupper Not pictured: Juliet Archibald, Ben Volchok
FOR REVUE DOLLARS MORE By Ailsa DOLLARS Dunlop FOR REVUE MORE The Melbourne University Comedy Revue Board’s inaugural season ‘For Revue Dollars More’ kicks off this October. I spoke to the group’s founders, Toby Silcock and Ben Volchok.
How did you get involved in comedy?
How was the Revue Board formed?
Toby: Through a high school teacher of mine called Chris Allen. Although ever-so-slightly nerdy and a public servant to his back teeth, he was an excellent drama teacher who for whatever reason had a personal interest in improv theatre and stand-up. He basically ditched what I had expected would be high drama for lessons in the different types of stand-up comedy and Theatre Sports techniques. He actually made it a class project to do bits for the Melbourne Comedy Festival Class Clowns auditions. From there it kinda sticks and I took up any opportunity to do it that I could.
Ben: I’d always wanted to be part of some sort of revue ever since I started university, but there wasn’t really much opportunity. For the last few years of high school I got really into Fry and Laurie and the Pythons and so on, so the whole revue thing was stuck in my head. Eventually I gathered a few people and put on a short performance early last year, but that wasn’t really huge. Later on in the year I managed to scrape together some more material and do a smaller but more satisfying revue as part of Mudfest; the Melbourne University student arts festival. This year I wanted to do another one (comedy is a drug) and fortunately met Toby who shared an interest in this.
Ben: I’d been writing funny short stories and things throughout high school, but I was never a performer until I got to uni. I was in a darkly comic play in first year then in second year entered the campus comedy competition, which I didn’t win. After that I started delving into stand-up comedy around Melbourne, which is still a slow endeavour especially with concurrent study. This year I did win that competition, so I guess third time lucky. All that mostly stemmed from extensive comedy consumption and research from about age fifteen. It must have somehow inspired me to start doing instead of just laughing.
Toby: I believe Ben was manning the Cosmic Hitchhikers Appreciation Society stall at Open Day. When I purchased my membership and 42 badge, I made some quips to try and seem smart and he did the same. Then we re-encountered each other at a stand-up comedy workshop and he mentioned that he had wanted to do a revue for some time. Over the next few weeks, he chased me down over the free pizza at one of the thousands of club events he runs and brought it up again. We sent emails, got a team, a prod manager, a stage, and some other imaginary things called “sketches” that were bled straight from our brains onto the page. That’s the most disgusting metaphor I think I’ve used today, by the way.
For Revue Dollars More
By Ailsa Dunlop
Where do you see the Revue Board going in the future?
Finally, what’s your favourite joke?
Ben: Well I’m ambitious, so I’d like the group to continue and maybe enter the various festivals in Melbourne. What I’d most like is to have a kind of Footlights-style weekly performance schedule, where small shows would be put on every week and the best of that material would be gathered into an annual or biannual show. It would be a great way to do regular comedy.
Toby: One from George Carlin: “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.’”
Toby: I hope to provide a collaborative writing space that’s mainly focused on the quality of the material and much less about the showier aspects. With a smaller theatre and lower costs we get a lot more leeway to try focus entirely on the quality of the material, not as much about the way it’s done. I think the most important thing is 50% of why people go to uni – meeting people. I mainly wanted to meet the funny people on campus, come up with funny material with them and then keep them as friends (or “contacts”, as people have forced me to call them) for later use (“social benefit” is a phrase that I’ve heard bandied around). Throw some ideas together, have fun and also develop some really good working relationships for when we leave university for the hateful world of capitalist wage slavery.
PRIDE HARD
Co-devised by Rob Lloyd and Kelsey Gade
September 28 - October 13 8:00PM (7:00pm Sundays)
Fringe Hub - Meeting Room - North Melbourne Town Hall 521 Queensberry St North Melbourne 2 for 1 : Opening Night 28 Sept and 6 Oct
Ben: I can’t go past, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.” It’s surprisingly underrated.
‘For Revue Dollars More’ runs from the 2nd through the 6th of October at
the Guild Theatre, Union House, University of Melbourne. For more information and updates visit facebook.com/MUComedyRevueBoard.
Facty Fact!
By Dave Warneke
Hi I’m Dave Warneke, and as you
can probably tell I love facts. I just can’t get enough their facty goodness. It all started one Christmas when I received a less than inspiring gift from a relative... It was a calendar. I feigned enthusiasm as only a teenager could and forgot about it for a few days. But later I realised that it wasn’t just any old useless date diary, but rather a page a day ‘Ripley’s Believe Or Not?’ calendar of joy.
FACT: Only one in five people over 100 is male. FACT: If you could travel at the speed of light you could reach the moon in under two seconds. FACT: In scrabble there are more E’s than any other letter. FACT: The world’s largest church is in Cote d’Voire in West Africa.
Every day contained three or four unusual facts or pointless bits of information and by January the 2nd I was hooked. I would read the facts every night before bed learning about things that no one needs to know, the more pointless the snippet of information the more I liked it.
In order to promote my show I decided on a whim to start a Comedy Festival only podcast called Facty Fact. One night driving home from my trivia gig I came up with the idea of playing a sort of mini bluffing fact based game with comedic guests.
Cut to 5 years later and I’m still fact obsessed. Even my job is to host pub and corporate trivia nights, resulting in yes you guessed it, access to more trivial facts and questions.
I have tens of these late night ideas a year and not that many come to fruition but I stayed up half the night planning and that weekend I recorded my first episode of the podcast.
I started performing stand up comedy in Melbourne a couple of years ago and this year facts even crept into that part of my life when I performed a show at the 2012 Melbourne Comedy Festival. The theme of the show was facts so I gave it the less than adventurous title of FACT!
The show went really well and I had some great guests both locally and from overseas. People seemed to really get into the game of bringing in facts that are either true or false and getting points if they convince other’s their false fact is true, or if call the other player’s bluff.
Since the Comedy Festival and the rather surprising success of the podcast I have been plotting and scheming to take Facty Fact to the stage and develop it into a full blown live comedy panel show. The day that my dream came to life was September 12. Joining me were a stellar line up of properly accomplished comedians including Lawrence Leung, Josh Earl, Geraldine Quinn, Andrew McClelland, Luke McGregor and Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall. Split into two teams of 3 comedians acted out, captioned, guessed and bluffed their way through several rounds of fact based hilarity. The hope is to bring the show back as a late night show during the 2013 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. This is one young comedian’s dream… And that’s a FACT!
Listen to episodes of The Facty Fact Podcast here: http://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/the-facty-fact-podcast/id510636254
There’s a saying in comedy, it’s not a matter of ‘if’ you get heckled
but ‘when.’ I recently was involved in this sacred, sacred initiation right at a gig in Adelaide’s delightful northern suburbs. After seeing some members of the audience and hearing the reactions to some of the other performer’s jokes, I realised very quickly I would need to dumb down the language that I was using. I should point out I wasn’t exactly trying to explain Einstein’s theory of relativity; it was a banal piece about the idiots I have had to serve mistake. Apart from one gig, all of my gigs have been in proper comedy venues full of people ready and wanting to laugh. This particular venue was the foyer of the Playford Civic Centre and the the odd semi-racist joke. My jokes would do very well at the Rhino Room in the CBD, the Lizbef Locals would prove to be less understanding of my attempts at humour. vocalisation. I didn’t quite hear it or understand it, but I pushed on despite the interruption to my routine. At this point I stopped caring about the reaction from the crowd. They weren’t really there to laugh and I wasn’t going to come down to their level. There were four main tables in the front row, two were polite and laughed when appropriate, and two had drunk enough cans of Jack Daniel’s to support Tennessee’s economy for the next 300 years. It was these two tables that gave the 20 comedians that night the most trouble and was the main topic of discussion backstage. The people on these tables had paid $25 for a night of comedy, only to ruin it with stupid comments
TACKLING HECKLING BY NICK O’CONNELL I just don’t understand why people would heckle a comedian and ruin the night not only for the rest of the audience, but for themselves. Perhaps it goes someway in explaining why 95% of heckles are made by drunken idiots and are unintelligible. The second heckle came as I was wrapping up my set, but this time it was more understandable and a little intimidating. My closer involves me gradually getting angrier and angrier, I pause and straighten myself up and I say goodnight. It was in this pause the same woman, who had heckled at me before, yelled at me, “I can’t wait to heckle you mate.” I said goodnight and left the stage. It wasn’t exactly the best gig that I had done, but it did provide me with some valuable experience. I’m now a little more prepared if an audience member pipes up heckled, I may not have got as many laughs as I had wanted, but the heckles didn’t dim my passion for comedy, they have only motivated me.
Twitter address: https://twitter.com/nd_oconnell My blog: http://wpanota.wordpress.com/ (Witty, Pithy And None Of The Above)
Geraldine Quinn
The Piano Has Been Drinkin’ October 3rd - 9pm
Fringe Club - North Melbourne Town Hall 521 Queensberry St North Melbourne (Free Entry)
Rueben (sic) and The True Cost Of Myki John Potter
Rueben clutched his Myki scanner and watched the rain pound against the windows of the route 16 tram he was currently onboard. It had been six months since his release from prison and return to his job as ticket inspector. At first, Yarra Trams had been reluctant to rehire him - Rueben had been sent to prison for running over an old Chinese woman with a thresher because she’d failed to produce a valid health care card to support her concession - but times were tough, and applicants were thin on the ground. They’d taken him back on one condition - no vigilante justice. No vigilante justice. Rueben spat at the thought. Where he came from Launching Place - his badge gave him the right to throw a pregnant woman headlong through a cafe window for putting her feet on the seats. Around him the passengers were straggling onto the stalled tram. He hated it here at the end of the line. Before he went inside the Big House, ticket inspectors used to command respect. Now, not so much. Years of human rights lawsuits from nosy-left wing do-gooders had taken the fun out of locking primary school-aged children inside vending machines until they produced a valid concession card. Rueben had tried to put the dark days of prison behind him but on rainy days like these, his mind was flooded with memories of the long, sensual showers, nightly pillow fights and perfumed soaps that were his prison life. He closed his eyes and took a deep whiff, but his reminiscing was broken by a voice.
“Hello, Rueben.” It was Alice. Dallas Alice. Named for a line in a Little Feat song, Alice was the girl on the outside while he was on the inside. At first she’d maintained contact, but as the weeks and years progressed the visits grew fewer and fewer and before long, she’d stopped visiting altogether. Rueben later heard from a squealer that she’d found a new squeeze on the outside; a teenager whose claim to fame was graffiting the word “CHODE” in six foot letters on the wall of the Hawthorn Aquatic Centre. No amount of senior citizens Rueben could harvest would ever give him that kind of street cred. “Whatever happened to your Chode?” sputtered Rueben indignantly as he stared deep into her eyes. Her face, framed by that golden hair, looked as fresh as the day they’d met at a Concrete Blonde concert twenty five years before. Those lips. Those thighs. That epidermis... “He’s dead now,” sighed Alice. “He ran his Seat Ibiza off a cliff.” Rueben was outraged. “What kind of gimp drives a SEAT Ibiza?” he shouted. “Rueben, language,” chided Alice as the tram slowly began to fill with private school boys. “You and I both know SEATs are gimp mobiles,” Rueben retorted through gritted teeth. Alice frowned. “Rueben, I didn’t come here to argue about European cars,” she hissed. “I came back because...” A pause. “Because why?” demanded Rueben.
Rueben (sic) and The True Cost Of Myki John Potter
“I came back because I miss the feel of your stubble against the cheeks of my bottom.” said Alice quietly. More memories came flooding back to Rueben. Nights spent rubbing his stubbly chin over her smooth bottom, then days spent rubbing her bottom with aloe vera ointment.... “Those days are over!” shouted Rueben, startling an old man standing next to him. “You had your chance while I was stuck in the Stoney Lonesome. Do you know what it’s like for a ticket inspector on the inside? There were days....” Rueben struggled to hold back the tears, “...there were days where I didn’t have clean underwear!” Alice was contemptuous. “You’re not half the man you used to be. Look at you, surrounded by snot-nosed teenagers who haven’t even touched on their Myki cards. Ten years ago you would have nipple-crippled each and every one.” Rueben paused, his lower lip trembling. “You’re right. What’s become of me?” he stammered. “Prove you’re a man!” Alice cried. Rueben turned to the snotty snot-faced snot-snot standing next to him. “Show me your pass, or may God have mercy, I am going to administer a nipple-cripple you will not soon forget.” “But sir,” said the startled teen, “what of me ‘uman rights?” “Fuck your human rights!” said Rueben, and administered a nipple-cripple so severe it brought tears to the young boy’s eyes. “Cor!” he cried. “Oh Rueben!” cried Alice as the passengers broke into spontaneous applause. “You abused a child! You are a man after all!” Rueben took Alice’s hand, and together, to a chorus of cheers from the largely drunk audience, they bounded down the steps of the tram. “Cor!” said the teenager to nobody in particular as he untwisted his nipple. “One day I am going to be a ticket inspector, and all the glory in the world will belong to me!”
The Death of Print Media Josh Samuels
I keep reading in newspapers about the absurd notion of the “death of print media.” To me this seems like Today Tonight doing a piece about the death of hard-hitting journalism. I believe newspapers, magazines and books are not going anywhere;; after all they’re inanimate objects that cannot move of their own volition. If print media did suddenly gain sentience and began terrorizing the countryside we would, grab pitchforks and torches and corner it in the old barn. The birth print media goes back to the 1400s. Johannes Gutenberg’s invention of the printing press produced the written word for five centuries (a sixth century was in the making but was tragically cut short by a dodgy LBW call on 97). Fascinatingly, I found that the public did not instantly embrace books in the same way it has tribal tattoos, Justin Beiber, or the word “totes.” In fact the first book produced by Gutenberg, “The Bible,” was not a big hit. Sales were limited the clergy, the nobility and people who, like myself, take ages on the toilet. Peasants, unable to decipher the words on the covers, used them to stop bullets from hitting them in the heart. It was Guttenberg’s second book, “How To Read” that really kick started the printing revolution. The handwriting was on the wall for those who manually copied books. Now the Internet is slated to kill the publishing industry. Will print media be subjected to death by a thousand paper cuts, or will digital media devour in one big byte? People now hungrily consume media via the web but I believe there is still an appetite for the printed page, which publishers must feed lest we face a literary famine.
For me, certain experiences are incomplete without the printed page. (1) Sitting in a dentist surgery without an issue of National Geographic from 1997 (2) Waiting for a hipster with skinny jeans and an ironic t-shirt to make my soy latte without a gig guide of local bands I’ve never heard of and don’t want to go and see (3) A homeless person annoying me for money without a copy of the Big Issue to sell. Also, imagine a Nazi book burning where they toss Kindles and iPads onto a scorching heap. It just wouldn’t be the same. The really Kindle fires me up to the point where I ignite blazing rows with these eBook users. “Books were meant to be analog,” I say, quoting an article I read on my Flipboard app. I wonder is there was a pill that would make tablets go away? Tragically digital reading devices are here to stay like cane toads, the Green Party and the Kardashians. I will do my part to keep print media alive and keep subscribing to The Age, Australian Shooter and Queer News as long as they keep putting out a quality product and my flatmate pays the fees. Twitter: www.twitter.com/joshsamuels2 blog: http://ozploitationcinema.blogspot.com.au/
OVER THE RAINBOW By Simon Godfrey
You should be proud of me. I quit! I couldn’t live
with the shame anymore. From the get-go, I felt the project wasn’t right. So I up and left and didn’t look back. Except once as I was walking out the door and thought I heard someone call out my name. It turned out just to be the sandwich press. Oh and technically once more. When I reached the elevator, I realised I’d forgotten my favourite calendar and in order to not look back, I had to walk backwards through the office to my desk. This of course turned out to be more undignified than looking back, so when I got to the front door and remembered I’d also left my phone, wallet, bag, umbrella, shoes and keys, I faced forward for the return journey. The project seemed a decent idea at the time. During the mid 80s there was a momentary craze of colourising old black and white movies to expose the films to new audiences. The process was a little crude and the quality not great. As everyone is obsessed with all things retro these days, a giant conglomerate approached me to decolourise classic colour films. The idea seemed to have artistic merit, I quite like the charm of black and white movies and I’m pretty hip, so I accepted. Firstly, I completely screwed the Wizard of Oz. Dorothy’s arrival in Oz has zero impact if she pushes open the door to find the land of grey scenic paint. It could still be Kansas. It’s like unwrapping a present and finding you’ve been given a replica of the box you just opened. Also, the yellow brick road isn’t yellow and everyone keeps saying it is! As far as a new viewer is concerned, it could actually be grey and I had to add in a munchkin saying, “It is yellow. No really, take my word for it.”
Pleasantville now makes no sense and decolourising the 1989 colourised version of the original King Kong was an epic waste of resources. The toneless, fuzzy product the poor quality of the source material forced me to produce is unwatchable. It’s also completely pointless as the 1933 version of King Kong is already freely available. Schindler’s List is far less poetic, the Three Colours trilogy misleading and when people see “Colour by Technicolor” in monochrome during the credits, it might trigger them to run out of their lounge rooms and straight to an eye specialist. Though, I felt LA Confidential was improved and I’m glad of what I did to the special edition of The Empire Strikes Back. I apologise for my involvement in filmic vandalism, but at the very least, I’ve severed my ties with the company. Well, almost... I realised I don’t own a computer, so thought I’d just write this and quickly decolourise the Stargate sequence from 2001: A Space Odyssey before I leave the office with dignity.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS LAUREN GYSBERTS - Writer
LLIAM AMOR - Illustrator
SUREN JAYMEN - Writer
LAUREN BOK - Writer
BRYCE MCCOY Photographer
NAT BRITTEN - Writer
NICK O’CONNELL - Writer JESSE BROADHURST - Writer
JULIA CLARKE - Illustrator
SARAH CORKE - Illustrator
THIS ISSUE OF YAWP HAS BEEN MADE POSSBILE THANKS TO THESE YAWP CONTRIBUTORS
DEAN PANE - Writer
KATHERINE PHELPS Writer
SHARNTI PHILLIPS Writer
BRENDAD CROXON Web Design JOHN POTTER - Writer AILSA DUNLOP - Writer
JOSH SAMUELS - Writer DAVE WARNEKE - Writer KIRSTY WOODS - Writer EMMA ZAMMIT - Writer
SIMON GODFREY - Writer
MARGARET ZOIDES Writer