Online Comedy Mag Issue 7: Dec 2012
NEIL SINCLAIR DON’T MENTION THE RAW...
The New Podcast Simon & Lach interview themselves...
Comedy: The Lucrative Money Making Business that No One Can Achieve by Seizure Kaiser
BEV KILLICK ON A SERIOUS NOTE...
NEWS / REVIEWS / INTERVIEWS & MORE
Mag.com.au
MERRY CHRISTMAS...
4 Kirsty Wilson 7 ... 8 ... 9 Grant Buse 10 Danielle Kutchell 12 Lucy Watson 13 Sean Meaney (Photos) 14 Rob Zammit (Photos) 18 Josh Samuels 19 Ryan Crawford 20 Rob Zammit (Photos) 21 Jack Diamond 22 Lach and Simon 24 ‘Taco’ Jones 26 Peter Green 27 Xavier Toby 28 Nathan Lentern 29 Seizure Kaiser 30 Ange Hume 31 Angus Brown 32 Alice R Fraser 33 Grant Buse 34 Stephanie Gray
Contents...
On A Serious Note. Here Come the Girls Funny at the Brunny Sugar Laughs The Shelf A Show For Gavin The My Sandwich Show Funny at the Brunny Shatnology: NB Not the Science of Past Tense Pooing The Homebake Pee-Tree The Sugar Lounge Strange Beginnings The New Podcast Don’t Mention the Raw: An Interview with Neil Sinclair How Modern Technology is Killing the Topical Joke Is a White Guy Even Allowed to Talk About Racism? Going to Events Alone Comedy: The Lucrative Money Making Business that No One Can Achieve How to Get a Comedy Spot in Sydney What the Hell am I Doing? Girls To Swear or Not to Swear Comicsuuuuuwa!
Christmas and New Year... With that, onto the December issue! But seriously, how was it. Was it good? Did you get the thing? This is the last issue for the year. We won’t surprise you with another issue between now and 2013. So what’s news with us here at YAWP? 2013 is going to bring you monthly editions of the magazine whilst bringing to you a podcast to accompany the magazine. Oh my Gawad! The podcast will bring you a range of stories, insights and news from around the Australian Comedy scene. We have been working really hard to build a community around this magazine and over the past three months have assembled some of the keenest and most inspiring people from all over the country to help bring both this magazine and the podcast to you. Stay tuned for the release, also, over www.yawpmag.com.au. We will be launching in the New Year. Enjoy the issue!
BEV KILLICK: ON A SERIOUS NOTE
BY KIRSTY WILSON
A bottomless pit of passion, determination,
and talent has seen Bev Killick pioneer her way through an, initially, male-dominated industry.
She has successfully worked the stand-up comedy circuit for 14 years, and is a fierce supporter of the Melbourne comedic community. But it’s not just the community that gets her engine revving. Killick has also supported all sorts of charity based causes. She just can’t help herself! A few comedy events the fiery comedian has supported include Orangutan protection, mood disorder awareness, and most recently campaigning against violence towards women, by headlining Here Come The Girls comedy gala, supporting White Ribbon Foundation. White Ribbon is serious about empowering women who are victims of domestic violence, something Killick encourages for all women. “For me, it’s about being able to have a voice without judgment.” So, it’s really no surprise when she offers comment on the surge of rape jokes that have caused so much chaos around the Melbourne comedy scene of late. “I don’t choose not to joke about anything. I'd hate for there to be censorship laws for comedians. But, I think some lessons in cause and affect, and being responsible for what you say needs to come into play. Domestic violence being told in a funny way? I don’t know if there is much funny in it.
Violence against women jokes? I don’t like it at all. It’s black humour at its blackest. I would love to see male comedians have more insight into how this can affect the women they work with. I understand that trivialising domestic violence, or rape in a joke format can have serious and damaging follow on effects.” Facebook, blog sites, online publications, and newspapers have blown up with comments and opinions about rape jokes, and their relevance in comedy. While Killick agrees that where there is tension, there is laughter. Something can be said for the healing quality in taking the mickey out of painful experiences, however, it has to be done with tact. She believes that the effects of new and emerging comics hearing more experienced comedians joking about socially sensitive topics, like rape, can encourage them to get on stage with a loaded gun. The question is: Do they have the nous to pull it off?
“I’ve become Aunty Bev. Comedians know they can count on me for a good chat and help them out when they’re feeling down, because I have an understanding of the emotional issues that go with the job. People know they can come to me if they need to, and I really don’t mind sharing whatever knowledge I have.” And knowledge she has. As one of Australia's most popular comedians, she has done stand up in all the Melbourne comedy spots, performed in all the festivals, had guest appearances on Pizza, Kath and Kim, and Beauty And The Beast, and opened for Puppetry Of The Penis. Later, Killick also wrote a show called Life After Dick, a female response to the acclaimed penis puppetry spectacle. Since the fury regarding the Station 59 debate fiasco, finding local comedians in hot water over the topic, Killick has taken a pledge not to joke about rape. She has encouraged women in the comedic community to speak out and have their say about the latest sticky topic that has had all comedians talking.
Her proudest moment, she tells YAWP, was getting to the Assembly Rooms, during the Edinburgh Festival with comedy cabaret/musical “Busting Out!” “To be accommodated, flown, and paid to be in a show at the Assembly Rooms, which is well sought after, was a massive highlight for me.”
Offering her support to other female comedians is of high importance to the experienced comedian. Being the only chick on the circuit is something Killick has been used to since she began her career. In her first five years, footy clubs and sporting nights were her bread and butter, and she was generally the only woman on the bill. Fellow comedian Rachel Berger offered herself as a mentor; the two women would gasbag at the same laundrette while they did their washing.
Needless to say, we’ll be seeing plenty more of Killick in the future. Her latest project has her in scenarios that most people in their right minds wouldn’t go near. Hence the show title: Bev Killick Goes There. She recently garbed up in drag and hit the gay scene with fellow comedian and friend, Monte Diamonte. She’ll even be taking on requests! Look out on YouTube for some fun footage.
The late pioneer comic Dave Grant was also a great support. They had an unspoken deal where they could rely on each other at any time of the day or night, to share experiences and debrief. Grant left a legacy for comedians to uphold: Stick together, and take care of each other. This is something Killick carries on with vigour.
For all the up-and-coming comedians out there, this supportive comedian has some advice: “Be nice to everybody. Don’t bitch. And there’s enough room for everybody, so never feel like you have to fight to be on the stage.” Bev’s top three picks for new talent to watch out for are: Sam McCool, Justine McInerney, and Anne Howe.
News/Reviews
HERE COME THE GIRLS! ON SATURDAY 24TH NOVEMBER, LOCAL FUNNY LADY ERIN MELVILLE HOSTED A COMEDY GALA TO RAISE FUNDS FOR WHITE RIBBON FOUNDATION.
BY KIRSTY WILSON
Don't be mislead - it's not all about childbirth, menstruation, or menopause! Here Come The Girls is a diverse showcase of talented new faces and favourite comedic stars, letting loose on all things funny. Erin Melville put the Comedy Gala event together at The Exford Hotel, to raise money for White Ribbon. Melville MC'd the event with her bright eyes and general cheeriness, plugging the 3 Minute Angels who were wandering around giving free massages. She also did a good job at hitting people up to purchase white ribbon merchandise and raffle tickets. …Too bad the vegetarians won the butcher voucher. Adopted Aussie Jeff Green was a good choice for kick-off comedian. His 'Funny Because It’s True' jokes about famed suburbs like Heidelberg, Frankston, and their respective shopping centres went down a treat. Green's intimate knowledge of Melbourne's culture and customs was impressive. Sharing his marriage and dating philosophies got the most laughs from the crow, and stories about Lucifer & Voldemort (his children) scored some giggles too. The line up of clean, clever jokes were received well.
Equally likeable was Morven Smith, who engaged the crowd straight away with her Sponge Boob t-shirt. She won them over with her dorky but adorable demeanour, taking the piss out of society’s rules of what constitutes happiness, sharing with the room the fact that she is, well, nowhere near it!
Then came: Ms. Bev Killick. Her intro left audience members looking as if a dog had just pooed on their feet! It’s probably not the first time she’s had that effect. Crude, rude, and unapologetic, Bev Killick positively unleashed her comedy on the punters, flashing her big undies and dropping language bombs left, right, and centre.
Gabe Hogan (don't say it too fast), is a bilingual ex-model with 17 cats. True. Far from a crazy cat lady, she's an intelligent and skilled comedian. This becomes clear when Her politically incorrect Crummy Mummy gags could incite someone to call child her play on words transforms seeming protective services. One poor woman in the sweetness into something a little dirtier. front row, at the event to celebrate her hens School teacher Nadine Clarke’s sarcasm was night, may now be rethinking her baby plans… well received early on, but a lapse in pace perhaps lost the audience a bit in the Bev immersed herself in character, giving an middle. Despite this, she continued with authentic and dynamic (even boganic?) confidence and reconnected with the performance. The audience seemed divided, supportive audience in the end. with some laughing their heads off while others remained horrified. One thing is for Mayumi Nobetsu is a Japanese comedian, sure: They will all be telling their friends who offered up her own take on her use of about Bev Killick! the English language, including some hilarious slang. The most delightful part of This was a night full of laughs, providing her performance was Nobetsu busting out Melbourne with the chance to support White her own version of The Vapors’ Turning Japanese, with her rendition called Me and Ribbon. With this combination, Here Come The Girls really couldn't go wrong! Australia, based around turning Skip.
The Un-Enchanted Princess Linda Beatty’s clever amalgamations between history and modern day fairy tales (including The Bible) Glammed up and fabulously expressive, cracked everyone up. Armed with a harp and Em O'Laughlin (note the word 'laugh' in a killer opera-trained voice which worked her name!) laid out her ocker charm, and fantastically with her act, she definitely represented the Aussie culture well. Her entertained with her creative songs and endearing performance warranted the theatrics. The crowd loved it. Sharp, modern laughs; you can’t help but like the woman. and thoroughly enjoyable!
Above: Erin Melville.
FUNNY AT THE BRUNNY
KIRSTY WILSON CHECKS OUT ONE OF MELBOURNE’S
NEWEST COMEDY ROOMS, SET IN OUR MUCH-LOVED LIVE PERFORMANCE HUB: THE BRUNSWICK “BRUNNY” HOTEL.
For its second night running, Funny at The Brunny succeeded at delivering a night full of laughs and entertainment, with an array of fantastic comedians. The vibe here was super positive, with the room attracting a very mixed crowd. The most distinguishing part of this comedy night was the multicultural flavour, though comedians were not exclusively limited to it. The set up catered for both sitting and standing, with tables close to the stage and plenty of space for stools at the bar. Anyone on a budget should take note of the $10 jugs, and free entry! Starting the evening off, MC Ashley Fils-Aime jumped on stage to offer a warm welcome. He told the eager audience a bit about himself and what inspired his move to Melbs; Ash and his business partner Glen Zen have a passion for Australian comedy, wanting to create a successful stand-up room in the city's north side. To set the tone for the night, he reminds the audience that some of the comics lined up are newbies. He specified that tolerance and support is appreciated. For the most part, the crowd took this on. Some derogatory jokes about women later in the night didn't go down too well, although outwardly the audience remained fairly neutral. The room manager then picked up a bucket and encouraged punters to drop a dollar in for each act they found funny. Fils-Aime then ran through a short comic routine about being African-American in Melbourne, before getting the show started.
The first comedian to the stage was Steve Mitchell, setting the night in good stead. While he has only been in the comedy game for a few months, Mitchell performs like a natural. Very quickly a sharp wit is revealed, leaving the audience laughing at every joke. The comic crew for the evening followed with some good stuff, including the charismatic Robbie G, Sophie Prints with her imaginative story telling, impressively dirty humour from up-and-comer Gabe Hogan, and a punchy set from Jimmy Lamatos. Tamara Issa gets particular props for rapping along to her intro music: Eminem's verse in Forgot About Dre. Short and sweet, but rallied plenty of laughs. Issa is someone to watch out for. The highlight of the night was when John Burgos, Dave Ivkovic, and Gabriel Rossi performed a unique version of The Twelve Days of Christmas, with the crowd yelling out suggestions to inspire some lyrics. Lots of fun and heaps of laughs. In a display of their support, Ash, Glen and some of the comedians hung around after the show to chat to punters, adding considerably to the very relaxed atmosphere. Thumbs up for Funny at The Brunny! Brad Oakes will be headlining the next show on Christmas Eve. For all the latest about Funny at the Brunny, check out their Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/funnybrunny
SUGAR LAUGHS COMEDY ROOM By Grant Busé Admittedly, when I heard the new comedy room, Sugar Laughs, was opening in Toorak, I thought to myself, ‘Is that the joke?’ It didn’t help shake the Melbourne suburb‘s aloof stereotype, when I turned up to find a limousine parked out the front of the venue. All reservations aside, Sugar Laughs’ launch night turned out to be a success.
The challenge with this venue will rest in comedians successfully tailoring their routines for the club’s audience demographic. It was obvious why some sets were received better by the crowd. A good joke will always be funny on some level, however, comics shouldn’t expect a joke written for the Frankston RSL will have the same effect in Toorak. A better response seems to have resulted when comedians worked with the specific audience, and not in spite of it. With that in mind, Sugar Laughs provides a terrific training ground for newer stand-ups, on how to handle a more conservative audience.
The Sugar Lounge venue is very classy, catering for a demographic fitting of its location. The attached Marquee restaurant, while pricey, looked to provide some palatable pre-comedy cuisine. The bar is well stocked, though there is not much variety in the nibbles department.
After a good chat with room manager Kurly, I was pleased to see a comedy lover with such a clear vision for this comic venture. The goal for Sugar Laughs is to, one day, be able to pay their comedians. Or, at least offer them petrol money for their troubles.
The launch night was held in the large function room downstairs, to accommodate the forseen crowd size. Sugar Laughs will be moving their regular nights upstairs into a more intimate space.
With incentives like that, it is only a matter of time before Sugar Laughs will be hosting Melbourne’s finest stand-ups.
Once I realised the opening musos Fat Sparrow were not a comedy band, I really enjoyed their unique music. Ten comedians were then given a chance to showcase their ‘sweet dispositions’ for the launch.
Nevertheless, this new room, like any, needs support to get it off the ground. If you have a sweet tooth for some lavish laughs, head on down to the Sugar Laughs room. Diabetics welcome.
Clear crowd favourites were Mayumi Nobetsu and Mark Pengilly. Nobetsu had the room in the palm of her tiny hand. As one of the few female asian comedians in Melbourne’s comedy circuit, she has really refined her unique style by playing on cultural stereotypes with endearing charm. Pengilly proved he is the king of Dad-jokes and prop comedy. The crowd was in stitches.
FOR MORE INFO AND LINE-UPS, CHECK OUT: http://www.facebook.com/sugar.laughs
BY DANIELLE KUTCHELL ON DECEMBER 3RD, DANIELLE KUTCHELL WENT ALONG TO THE SHELF’S CHRISTMAS SHOW TO CELEBRATE THE FESTIVE SEASON WITH SOME AISLE ROLLING.
Carollers are occupying the street corners,
decorations drip from every light pole, and suddenly there are no car parks to be had at your local shopping centre. It must be the silly season again. Just in case these signs left you in any doubt, The Shelf’s Christmas show will clear that right up for you. At the very least, Adam Richard’s revealing Santa suit and dancing hat should give you a hint. If it still makes no sense, at the very least you will have had a good laugh! The Shelf is something of a Melbourne comedy institution; it has been playing weekly for about the past 14 months, and has garnered an enthusiastic fan-base. Special mention goes to the fan who told YAWP she has never missed a show in its entire history. The reason for her dedication was obvious from the quality of their Christmas extravaganza. The Shelf is quite simply a great night out. Not just because of the variety of talented comedians on the bill, although that was indeed a point in its favour. Featuring traditional skits, musical comedy, and intimate stand up by a host of household names, The Shelf’s Christmas edition stood out as one of the more sophisticated comedy events on Melbourne’s crowded calendar.
MCs Adam Richard and Justin Hamilton kept the show glued together well, aided and abetted by a hilariously drunk Wil Anderson. They went for the usual hard-hitting targets first – religion, for example – before striking a bit closer to home with jests about Myki and notorious radio host Kyle Sandilands. The audience was numb to any offence. Everyone was out to have a good time, and were rewarded in their quest. Revved up by the MCs, the comedy punters were more than happy to respond to their hosts with cheers and heckles. Encouraged by shouts of “HUZZAH” at each episode of idiocy, such as throwing beer bottles and microphones to the floor, Wil managed to whip the audience into a shrieking frenzy. But this is a regular occurrence, according to Justin Hamilton – just another night at the Shelf! Swanston Street venue, The Toff in Town, is well suited to the type of laid-back, cosy show The Shelf offers. A small stage meets the closely grouped chairs, with standing room at the back. The Toff stage is counterbalanced by a bar, offering the standard fare and a few extras on the drinks list, at reasonable prices. The room was crowded but in a lively, friendly sort of way; quiet lounge tunes and soft red lighting made things a whole lot more intimate. It is easy to make a night of things here.
It was Charlie Pickering who brought the night to a satisfying conclusion, releasing the sexual tension of Wilson’s recital.
And what a night! The Shelf acts were varied and clever. Those who delivered them were passionate about the show and its casually intimate style. There were no dull moments, as the transitions between performances were so smooth that the breaks were hardly noticeable. The ramblings of Justin Hamilton helped this, along with Wil Anderson's hijinks and Adam Richards’ signature giggle. Adam Rozenbachs and Tegan Higginbotham presented a news skit, a la Carrie Bickmore, followed by a double act with Rob Hunter and Spleen Comedy's comedian of the year, Luke McGregor. Graham Elwood from the USA taught us a few simple karate moves; he and European Man were well received as the 'foreign imports'. Gatesy of Tripod fame joined forces with Paul McDermott to provide some musical relief, dwelling on the meaning of Christmas. Cal Wilson, as her character Spoken Word Artist Adele, continued this theme with a display of literary genius, fusing Santa porn with elements of BDSM in a unique take on ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. Needless to say, this lead to squeals of both horror and delight at her twisted wit.
Making The Shelf a truly special event, the camaraderie between the performers was truly amazing – they joked, laughed, interrupted each other, fought, then literally kissed and made up. They all seemed to be best mates. This was a testament to Justin Hamilton’s ability to pull together a great team with which to grace the stage of The Toff. As the night wound to an end, amidst thunderous and deserved applause, it was hard not to feel a little bit hollow at the knowledge that it was the final show for the year. But as Justin Hamilton reminded us, the Shelf will be back for 2013! Spend a night with The Shelf gang, and see what Justin and Adam have in store for you next year.
Above: Justin Hamilton Above right: Adam Richard Those who need their Shelf fix can snatch up a season pass, offering excellent value for around $80. Otherwise, for occasional show-goers, tickets are priced between $20 and $30. And of course, The Shelf will be swarming Melbourne International Comedy Festival in March-April.
A SHOW FOR GAVIN Lucy Watson
It is a warm and sultry Friday night in Melbourne as A One of the stand outs of the night are Watson, who are Show For Gavin begins, a healthy sized crowd taking first up and take the audience on their usual ride of their seats around the Bella Union. absurdity, pop culture references and stand-up/sketch mash-up. As seasoned performers, both Tegan and MC Dave Thornton wins the crowd instantly with affable Adam are (as usual) on form. and relaxed aplomb, introducing the night (a special tribute to loyal supporter of Melbourne comedy Gavin And my highlight is Celia Pacquola, who quickly wins Keep, who lost his life in a traffic collision, all proceeds me over with her confidence, expression and amazing going to Road Trauma Support Services Victoria) and timing. Her smuttier material gives her an edge, which gets the crowd warmed up for a big bill of some of she pairs with charm and slick professionalism. It’s a Melbourne’s most familiar circuit and festival comedi- winning combination and it’s evident why she is doing ans. so well. Other notable mentions for the night include witnessing the actual embodi ment of all three Goodies in Neil Sinclair, Steele Saunders’s excellent witty obser vations and clever turns of phrase, a heartwarming thank you speech by Gavin’s wife, the brash fabulousness of Geraldine Quin blowing the roof off with her killer pipes, and my not-so-subtle forming of a crush on Dave Thornton. As we adjourn to the Bella balcony to mingle and drink there was a lovely buzz in the air, with comedians sticking around to chat, and catch up. It is a thoroughly enjoyable evening in tribute to someone who is clearly sorely missed.
@ THE MY SANDWICH SHOW
@ Funny at the Brunny
Story Time
SHATNOLOGY NB: NOT THE SCIENCE OF PAST TENSE POOING.
BY JOSH SAMUELS If I could have dinner with any three people in
history I would choose William Shatner, William Shatner and William Shatner. Why three William Shatners? Well. There have been many people throughout my life who have educated me. Such as Mr. Stanner, my Grade 8 English teacher, who taught me about Spele Czech. None, however, have taught me about life like William Alan Shatner. After listening to the audiobook, Shatner Rules (a book of rules designed for ultimate spiritual fulfilment), have decided to rip that format off in order to create some lessons I’ve learned from the Shat man. Lesson 1: Be derivative. There is nothing more financially risky than an innovative, inspired work of art. Example: TekWar, Shatner’s series of novels and TV movies about futuristic law enforcement, essentially blends Star Trek with T.J. Hooker. Watch out for my next film: Star Trek Wars, featuring Chewspocka and Han Sulu. Lesson 2: Never SING a song. Reciting a song in spoken word means that no one can ever make fun of your singing. Plus, if your stuff is bad enough, people will buy your album and listen to it ironically. Lesson 3: When someone screws you, shout their name…Loudly! This lesson is also very helpful when having sex. Especially if their name is Khan.
Lesson 4: Paying pay full price is for suckers. Jewish people are astute hagglers, and Canadians are polite. Shatner is both. Now, I courteously refuse to pay any bill’s full amount, which is why I’m writing this article by the light of a candle on a typewriter - both obtained at half price. Lesson 5: Never WRITE a book. Shatner has “authored” over 30 books, with the help of writers both ghost and alive. I have followed this lesson to a 'T' (as in James T. Kirk). Writing really eats into my Shit My Dad Says-time. My ghost writer, who is writing this right now, gets some ideas from me before writing a draft. I look it over, check it for tone, and for flashes of brilliance. I then sign my name. Lesson 6: Just because nobody believes you, it doesn’t mean you’re crazy. In The Twilight Zone episode, Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, people think Shatner’s character is insane when he says that a gremlin is sabotaging the plane. Likewise, people think I’m nuts when I assert that Shatner’s rendition of Rocket Man is the definitive version of Elton John’s classic. Lesson 7: Repeat your name ad nauseam, ala Shatner on Boston Legal. Repeating your naming constantly will make people remember you. They won’t know what you do, why you do it or if you’re any good at it. But they will remember you. I am constantly saying “Denny Crane” in an assertive fashion. When people remind me that’s not my name, I refer them to Lesson 1. Lesson 8: When attending Sci-Fi conventions, tell women you’re Wil Wheaton (Child actor from Star Trek: The Next Generation). This last one has nothing to do with Shatner, but if she’s near sighted, or has never seen Big Bang Theory, you might just "Boldly go where no man has gone before."
THE HOMEBAKE PEE-TREE BY RYAN CRAWFORD
It was a very, very hot day, and the police had started to crack down on the Ecstasy craze. It was the first time I’d been searched and sniffed on the way into an event. As a result, the vibe of the day was an alcohol-fuelled one; because reality is deeply troubling to me, the first thing I did was line up to buy a couple of beers.
A couple of hours later, I was three Now that summer is underway, sheets to the wind. Having already the music festival season is well and broken the seal, I made some poor truly upon us. decisions about whether to just go and line up for the toilets, or hang Music festivals are unique events. It around for the end of the set that I strikes me that as far as event was watching. The band said, management goes, nowhere is the “Thanks for coming out." I said, influence of the event manager "You’re welcome. Now, if you’ll more acute. If they get it right, a excuse me I have to go pee." great day can be had by all. It’s a fine line, though, between a great Walking a little funny, because I day and some sort of dystopic Lord was already busting, the colour of the Flies/1984 blend. drained from my face when I saw the lines had grown even longer I recently went to Homebake; than they were earlier in the day. I comparing it with previous knew instantly I was simply not attendances, I am lead to the going to make it. So, in conclusion that there are key desperation, I scanned the factors to making a festival experi- outskirts of the domain for a ence more pleasant for the crowd. secluded tree. None of which are more important than making sure there are enough I made my way towards a likely toilets. candidate only to discover, unusually, that I was not the only Five beers in the sun makes one one that had this idea. My tree of appreciate the fact that they got choice also had a line, a line of the portaloo ratio just about right. desperate fidgety cross-legged They weren’t always so organised… dancers. Faced with the prospect of weeing my pants for the first I went to Homebake once, where time since primary school, I the only thing longer than the lines checked the options again to see if for the toilets was the list of any of the tree-pee lines were shirtless, Southern Cross tattoo-tot- shorter. It was then I discovered ing toolbags, all of whom I wanted the holy grail: A lonely Moreton to punch in the face. Bay Fig.
I waddled over and unleashed a torrent of wee. The relief was overwhelming. As it started to wash over me, I began to wonder why this tree had so few admirers. That’s when I looked up, to discover that I was peeing in full view of the ten thousand people, crowded in front of the main stage. Some may have been embarrassed in my position, but not me. I was actually a little impressed that I hadn’t succumbed to stage fright. Maybe I’ll even perform at Homebake again sometime?
Follow Ryan Crawford on Twitter: @RyanTheCrawford Or like him on Facebook: facebook.com/RyanTheCrawford
@ SUGAR LOUNGE
Jack Diamond:
Strange Beginnings
The two began to circle each other. The bathroom door opened, and a fresh faced man popped his head out. The Ninja, distracted, turned to see the face of Hanna, Jack's apprentice, and in that moment of distraction was uppercut by Mr. Diamond. Flying through the air, the Ninja landed on an old wooden table and spasmed slightly, before becoming still. Hanna ran over to the lifeless body to confirm, "He's dead."
S
BY SEATON KAY-SMITH
teeped in Scotch and shrouded in misery, Jack Diamond stared into the bottom of his glass; his eyes were wide, and his soul was begging for an answer. Behind him in the bar, which was rustic in charm and vacant in nature, stood a Ninja dressed in black, waiting for the melancholic adventurer with an envelope in hand. "Jack Diamond?" He asked in a stealthy voice. Jack lifted his head from his problems momentarily, and listened. "I have a message from Martin Martin." The Ninja extended his hand to offer the folded letter. Turning, Jack laid his eyes upon the mysterious Ninja. "What's wrong with the postal service?" "Not as quiet, not as quick," the Ninja replied.
For fear of repercussion and a manslaughter charge, Jack and Hanna made haste away from that grotty bar, that prophetic post, and that silent but deadly Ninja. On the dirt road out of town, Jack cursed the air - but more directly, the Ninja. And his evil master. "Damn it! That Ninja was our chance to find Martin Martin!" "He must be somewhere," offered Hanna. "Can't we just look him up?" "He's not listed in the phonebook," spat Jack. "He's an evil genius, I don't even think he has a landline." Jack stopped in his tracks. "I'll tell you one thing. That letter that the Ninja gave me, it was made from the bark of the Wilto-Galakomoxy Tree. I'd know that fibre anywhere." Hanna, hopeful in spirit, piped up once more, "My shirts made out of that fibre!"
Jack opened the letter and read: 'My Ninja just hit you in the back of the head.'
"I didn't realise." Jack pondered further on his musings, "That tree only grows in the Mung-Hip-Forwor Province. It's not much, but it's our only clue."
Jack spun quickly to look behind him, no sign of the Ninja. Confusion. Worry. As Jack spun back, he was struck in the back of the head by the sneaky fist of the sneakier Ninja.
Hanna smiled; adventure was on the cards. "We leave at once?"
"It does hurt!" Jack shouted, taking to a standing position. "But you tell him this. It doesn't hurt as much as the hurt that he's going to hurt when I get my hands on him and…" Jack paused to think of the words. "Hurt…" The Scotch clouded his thoughts. "…Him! You tell him that!"
Touched by the accidental sentiment, Hanna gleamed with joy, "I'm an adventurer now?"
Jack turned to Hanna and grabbed him roughly. Unnecessarily so. "It's a sacred realm. To find it you need the Orb of the Trippy Lippy Doo Doo, "That's it?" cried Jack. "You've come here to torment me?" an orb which can locate your lost love. The Orb is in the cave of the Wim “No. I have another message from Martin Martin. He says, he hopes it hurts Wam, deep in the forest of the Fruey-Fruey. A forest fraught with dangers: Barbarians, savages, brutes, and Quelzedemores - small parasitic fish that that he has kidnapped your woman." eat flesh from bone, and then bone on its own. They even eat water. Rivers Rage filled Jack's eyes, but sorrow filled his heart. So, what came out of his would be much deeper without them. This is an ever changing universe, Hanna. Strange portals, unnatural beasts, and magical realms. You're an mouth was a kind of sorrowful rage. adventurer, now."
Jack, face to face with the Ninja, stared into that silent face, his muscles itching for the fight. A punch from the left: Missed. A jab from the right: Evaded. This Ninja was a tricky dicky. Jack threw another haymaker. The Ninja ducked, sweeping a kick along the ground. Jack jumped. The Ninja threw a round house kick to Jack's chest, but Jack caught it and spun the Ninja around three sixty degrees.
"Yes," replied Jack, "Now let's go get my Fiona back!" With that, Jack ran off along the dirt road, his keen adventurer senses leading the way. His loyal companion/apprentice, Hanna, stayed hot on his heels, following his masters voice. "This way Hanna! I smell the Wim Wam!"
SEATON KAY-SMITH: Purveyor of sexy secrets, Prince of Wonderment Towers. Follow him on Twitter; like him on Facebook.
The New Podcast... interviews itself.
Listening to a bottle of red being opened up and shared amongst a couple of velvety raconteurs is the newest addition to the iTuniverse. It’s a lovely drop. Pour it into your ears, let it breathe, 30 minutes. So important.
LACH: Hello, Simon. SIMON: Hello, Lach. LACH: Simon, we’re going to do something a little different and push the boundaries of journalism by wearing two hats and interviewing each other. Each of us will be both the interviewer and the interviewee. SIMON: There will be some out there who will call this a massive conflict of interest. LACH: They’re entitled to that opinion, but I’m inclined to disagree. SIMON: Yes. Kerry O’Brien used to fill space on the 7.30 Report by interviewing himself all the time. LACH: His Gareth Evans impression was legendary. SIMON: Precisely. I’ll fire the first question. Lach, you’re an accomplished Fortune 500 businessman, concert pianist and Nobel Laureate, what made you move into podcasting and what is the show about? LACH: Most people will tell you the first million dollars are the hardest. I found it particularly trying making my sixth. So, I stopped playing Squatter started a podcast. Each week it features ‘New’ things from the world over a bottle of wine. It isn’t big with sheep as they are not big drinkers and hate progress. Simon, I can’t help but marvel at the syrupy tones of your voice. Is it true that you have had enhancement surgery on your vocal chords?
SIMON: Yes, it's true. For most of my life my voice was so high pitched it could only be heard by rare species of shellfish, vocoders and cattle. I tried all sorts of things to lower its tone including hormone treatment, rubbing a bari saxophone on my throat and attending vocal control workshops run by Sting. But nothing worked. After years of only being able to talk to shrimp, synthesisers and jerseys, I learned of an experimental voice lowering procedure performed by a rogue dentist in Holland. Dr. Janis Breitz replaced my vocal chords with a series of hi-tech rubber bands, which allow me to produce my heavenly dulcet tones. Lach, keeping abreast of new technologies, new discoveries etc. must be an enormous task. How do you stay on top of all the new developments in the world week to week? LACH: I outsource to the Philippines. I have a fully working factory complete with smoke stacks and OH&S policy. I employ 853 workers from a small village named Shrimpote and not only provide them a wage, but also housing, complete medical and a recreational netball league. Outsourcing allows me the time needed to concentrate on my burgeoning dog wash business. But for tax reasons I don’t like to talk too much business.
I make every variety of wine known to human- kind except Shiraz. I can never judge the right amount of cumin to add and legally it’s difficult to mix in the bat wings. I do love wine and I feel it is a big part of my life and me, quite literally. Through deed poll I was able to have my DNA officially changed so I’m a quarter grape. Mr. Ryan, how does one access The New podcast and what can a new listener expect? LACH: Well, Simon you can get the podcast via usual channels like iTunes, direct download (www.blackframes.com.au/TheNew) and selected shells on barren Soviet shores. New listeners can expect to be taken on a genteel ride of absurdity focused solely on all that is new from the past week. It's best served with a crisp white or flirty red, just the way my uncle likes his import brides. One final question – Simon, can I ask you what craft projects you have planned over Summer? SIMON: Thanks for asking. I'm making some box canvases to sell at a market in Ballarat and I'm also designing a bridge to connect the Docklands to Paraguay.
Simon, you seem to be knowledgeable about wine but have you ever tried making your own? I did notice some vines in your backyard last time I visited for morning yoga?
LACH: Fascinating.
SIMON: Yes, it takes some skill and effort to fit a three-hectare vineyard into a three metre by three metre paved courtyard in the heart of Brunswick East, but I managed.
LACH: My pleasure. Thanks for joining me.
SIMON: Well, that's all we've got time for, thanks for joining me.
SIMON: I think we’ve made Kerry O’Brien proud. LACH: I agree.
The New Podcast can be found every Tuesday at blackframes.com.au or on iTunes and on Twitter @thenewpod.
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DON’T MENTION
THE RAW... An Interview with the ubiquitous
Neil Sinclair The other day (for the purposes of this piece) I caught up with comedian Neil Sinclair for lunch and a chat. This tall, red-headed gent has been doing stand up for about five years now, and has been kicking around the Melbourne comedy scene for most of those five years, while also spending a bit of time in his native Britain. We met at a cafe that I chose overlook- ing a wonderful violinist busker on Swanston street, ordered, and then got to talking gigs, new projects, and comedy shop-talk in general. Where in England are you from? Your accent is so friendly and affable... Crawley – the Crawley accent isn't this accent though, the Crawley accent is like [Neil proceeds to do an impression of a bunch of different British accents] … I didn't really take to the Crawley accent, I like to think I have no accent. Do you ever take that into account when you do comedy in Australia? Well obviously it's a very recognizable point of difference, people hear it and they say “ooh! English comedian!” so possibly I get a bit more leeway than everyone else...
...because some people say when you first start doing comedy you should do jokes about your superficial differences, did you ever try and play up the 'English thing'? Yeah, they never lasted long though, I think about them and I always feel terrible doing them like uuh... “hey I'm from England so microwave me a beer” or something like that... but I never felt comfortable doing it because they can work it out themselves. Exactly... ok so gigs, have you done many gigs outside of the Melbourne scene? Any regional gigs? Yeah I've done a few country towns, and I've done London and Edinburgh... Did you gig in London? Like open mics and stuff? Yeah, that was a strange experience, it was hard... I found that my stuff from here didn't really wash – I had to toughen up. And then a lot of the stuff that I wrote over there and brought back to Melbourne was too hard, and people didn't like it so I had to drop quite a lot of it.
I've heard a few people from interstate say that Melbourne audiences tend to be a bit more forgiving of new comics because we get so much stand up over here, so the audiences know what they're in for and they don't have to be won over so much... Yeah, that sounds about right... but I mean, the London audiences are really comedy-savvy – comedy's on telly all the time in England. They get some of the best comedians in the world, doing their best five minutes at eight o'clock in the evening every night pretty much... so then they go out and they watch stand up, and you have to be that... so you've got to do some- thing that grabs them right away, and grabs them by the scruff of the neck... then when I came back here with some of those jokes people were a bit taken aback. [random talk about hecklers and mutual swooning over Stewart Lee] So you're doing a bunch of projects right now with other comedians that are slightly removed from the genre of straight stand up... … yeah well I'm working with John Conway, Ted Wilson, Anne Edmonds, Nadia Collins, Jonathon Schuster, Alasdair Trembley-Birchall and Andy Matthews and we do the My Sandwich Show, which is an hour a week... we kind of make it up during the week for the following week, and it kind of is sketch... but it's not... ...well yeah because there's the My Sand- wich Show, and also I had a listen to Comedy Cassette Tape as well and it seems
like the direction you're heading in with those two things is more a sort of mix of stand up and improv/sketch comedy... does that sound about right? Yeah, well with Comedy Cassette Tape I didn't want to do a 'have a guest, chat about comedy' podcast because there's already a lot of those, and a lot of them are really good to start when there's already a really good thing and do something not as good wouldn't make sense. There aren't many sketch-comedy podcasts, and there were no sketch-comedy podcasts about making a sketch-comedy podcast so basically I wanted to do that. I'm a fan of the Muppets, and the Muppets is a show about putting on a show, so I wanted to make a comedy podcast about making a comedy podcast so that's why there's a lot of sitting around and spit-balling ideas... it gets a bit meta, but not in a pretentious way. Well that seems to be the 'thing' right now, everyone's loving the whole 'meta' vibe, I can't get enough of that stuff. Comedy Cassette Tape is really hard to edit though, because it's not scripted, we just sit around talking for hours coming up with ideas, and then we sit around and talk about the ideas for a sketch or whatever... then we do it, and I take the whole thing away and listen to the four hours and make it into a twenty-minute/half-hour podcast. There's a part in episode three where we go into my subconscious and I put all the special effects on it and layered it to give it this bleak and cold feel, and then we go into Alasdair's subconscious and it's just this party... I'm proud of that one, that's my Led Zeppelin magnum opus. I'll have to check that out (I did and so should you if you want to learn how to get Neil to buy you drinks all night) … so coming up, what are you doing for comedy festival? Are you going to reprise Panic!, the show you did for Fringe? No, I'm doing a new show called 'Neil Sinclair: Phoney' about lying... I just did 'Panic!' at the Butterfly Club a few weeks ago, and it felt like the end... so I need to move on. I need to write a new show. I'm keen! I have all these grand ideas for a show, but I need to actually make it into words. I did have an idea where I'd do a comedy festival show about doing a comedy festival show – because everything I do is about doing what I'm doing – but doing a comedy festival show on a real budget and not spending any money... ...which works double because it would be cheap... … exactly, but it didn't really came into place... but then I watched a TED Talk about lying and there's so much stuff there and it's fascinating... so I went “yeah ok, this is an interesting subject, now I just have to make it funny which is my job anyway.”
And then there's also Persuasion on Sunday afternoons at Club Voltaire in North Melbourne... … right where a bunch of comedians have to argue a topic on stage and I sit at the back and basically heckle them. Finally, a question that has been burning on my mind since the last time I saw you on stage: have you sorted out a punchline for your Little Jimmy hadron collider joke yet? Haha yes I've had a few suggested to me, but I don't know if I should tell you... So that's that people, if you want to find out what the punchline to Neil's hadron collider joke is, you can catch him at comedy nights all around Melbourne every week, and you can check out his various other projects at the locations/links provided below. I'd like to thank Neil for taking the time to chat with me, it was great... if I had to fault the experience in one area, then I'll come out with it;; my parma was a little bit shit... I really put that on myself though didn't I? God damn it. Find Neil at: Comedy Cassette Tape: http://www.facebook.com/ComedyCassetteTa pe My Sandwich Show every Wednesday at 8:30pm at the Spotted Mallard, 314 Sydney Rd, Brunswick Persuasion every Sunday at 4pm at Club Voltaire, Raglan St, North Melbourne Like Neil's page on facebook for details about upcoming festival shows. http://www.facebook.com/NeilSinclairComedy
How Modern Technology is Killing the Topical Joke
by Peter Green
Once upon a time as a comedian I loved the feeling of coming up with a good topical joke. If I had a topical joke inside me I’d burn with a feverish need to tell it in front of an audience as soon possible. I’d seek out a convenient open mike night just to do that one topical gag if I didn’t have full spot lined up in the immediate future. Actually, before the days of Twitter, Facebook and internet news sites, it was possible for a comedian to be too topical. That is, if you heard a news story and thought up a joke about it, it would be worth waiting a day or two before actually trying the joke out . This was because it took people that long to catch up on the news. This was especially so on a Friday night gig because most of the audience would be going to the venue straight from work and would not have had the chance to watch a TV news report. But get the timing right and telling the topical joke was one of the great bittersweet joys of being a comedian. Bittersweet because they get great laughs but have a very limited shelf life, no matter how good they are. Aside from morning radio, there was no other competi- tion with us for topical humour. The immediacy of stand up comedy as an art form is one of its great delights, but if you watch a lot of stand up now you’ll find the topical joke has been pretty much removed from the comedian’s armoury. Not that there is less topical humour in general. The world is being flooded with topical jokes, but they now lie in the hands (quite literally the fingers) of the Twitter and Facebook updaters, and get passed from person to person and from continent to continent almost instantane- ously.
This is great for the consumer, as the best jokes soon rise to the top and get passed around. These jokes can originate from anyone and anywhere in the world. But gone are the moments as a comedian when you become aware of a news story, think up a funny line and then get excited about your next gig because the only competition is the few dozen other comedians likely to come up with the same joke. There used to be a buzz about during open mike nights soon after a big news event and audiences used to turn up just to hear what the comedians had to say. Of course I can still add a funny comment on a news story of I want to get a topical joke out there but a few “likes” isn’t the same as getting a good laugh from an audience. Comedians are applause junkies. That’s why we do what we do. Anyway, some lady in Austria who owns an ice cream parlour has just murdered two guys and that’s an opportunity too good to miss. I have to go write a joke about it. Nah why bother? (They knew it was her because the bodies were covered in sprinkles and had a flake sticking out of them.)
Writer/Comedian Peter Green's latest book "Bad Hobbits" is available through this website: h t t p : / / w w w . l u l u . c o m / s h o p / p e t e r - g r e e n / b a d - hobbits/paperback/product-18890133.html
Is a White Guy Even Allowed to Talk About Racism? by Xavier Toby My slight bogan part aside, I really am the classic middle class, well-educated white male. I mean, there’s no point me playing the lottery. By being born in a first world country to white middle class parents, I’ve already won first division. Big time. As a type, I’m very nearly the most employable person on the planet. The last time I went to the Job Centre, they made me apply for a job. Which was stupid, because I was only there because I didn’t want one, and now I’m the CEO of News Limited. They actually put me in charge of phone tapping, and I thought I had it nailed, because my Dad’s a plumber. For some reason, they were not at all impressed with my phone that had both a hot and a cold tap. Water saving taps too. I’d even put in a half flush button. So I got fired, which was fine with me, because in five years News Limited won’t exist. In five years nobody will be asking, ‘Have you read a paper today?’ They’ll be asking, ‘What’s a paper? And have you checked MySpace today?’ Apparently MySpace is making a comeback. Yeah sure. Along with the Tasmanian Tiger, and the Dodo, and Nicholas Cage, and Nicole Kidman, and Atari, and encyclopedias, and New Kids on the Bloc, and books, and CDs and the Yahoo! search engine. Out of all the possible jobs I could do I chose comedy, and in most of the venues where I perform, the only person who makes less for a night’s work than I do, is that idiot who goes around trying to sell roses to strangers. Actually, compared to me, he does pretty well. That’s so middle class, isn’t it? Choosing comedy as a career? To be free to choose to do whatever I want with your life, then be able to do it. Comedy really is quite a challenge for me. As a white, male, middle class comedian, you’re stuck with some pretty standard topics. There’s your partner, or your lack of one, or your struggles to get one, and masturbation, and the differences between men and women, and your kids. All topics I want to try and avoid. Or if you’ve seen me live, all topics you know that I’ve comprehensively covered already. The non-white, middle-class, straight male comedians sometimes start by talking about what makes them different. Their sexuality, their gender, or their race. I don’t have any of that. Well I do, but there’s nothing interesting to say. ‘It’s so unfair you know, being a straight male in this society. When are they finally going to allow me to get married?’ ‘There are female only gyms, and Mums and Bubs movies, and Ellen, and women even get their own change rooms. What about the fellas eh? Why aren’t we allowed into the women’s change rooms?’ I think you’ll find that there aren’t male equivalents of those things, because men have got the whole rest of the world.
Then there’s race. Which is what my current show ‘White Trash’ is an attempt to talk about. Yeah, and make sure you check out my next show called ‘Rainbow Warriors’ all about skittles and gay rights. Following that I’m doing, ‘Girl Power’ a show about a feminism, the Spice Girls and using both as a new source of renewable energy. Or not. Doing racial material usually only works if you’re anything but white. Even me writing about race, does anyone feel a little uncomfortable? A little squirmy? Like you want to just go back to talking about footy and beer and how I can’t find a girlfriend? If there’s anyone qualified to talk about racism, I’m pretty sure I’m the very definition of what it’s not. Me talking about racism, is like Gina Rhineheart talking about welfare. Or Tony Abbott talking about feminism. Or Donald Duck talking about pants. What would the hell would he know about pants? He never wears any! And why is he always in a sailor suit? He’s a duck. Why the hell would he need a boat? Okay, so I am one sixteenth Turkish, but I’m one sixteenth of about sixteen different things. All slightly different shades of white. Also, I don’t think that one sixteenth is enough to pick on the Turks. They’re not even dark enough to be proper Arabs. Now was that a bit racist? Maybe, and I reckon if onstage I say anything even slightly racist, the audience will be straight onto it. So while I can’t talk about my experiences of racism and discrimination, I believe I’m a great person for trying to work out what’s racist, and what’s not. As a comedian if I was any different background, I get to make jokes about that race, and white people, but because I’m white, I can’t make racist jokes about anyone. I mean I could, but nobody would laugh. If they did, well they shouldn’t. Also, I’m not really interested in chasing the white supremacist neo-Nazi audience. I’ll leave that to Alan Jones, and the Liberal Party. So if you’re interested in laughing and thinking, and a show about bogans, hipsters, penguins and racism, then come and see ‘White Trash’. Coming up at the Perth Fringe, Adelaide Fringe and Melbourne Comedy Festival. It’s going to be a busy year. If you haven’t worked out what you’re doing over Christmas and New Year, or would rather do something fun, come and see me at the greatest festival ever in the world ever. Oh and I’m doing two shows in this year’s MICF: Xavier Toby in White Trash Venue: Imperial Hotel (2/8 Bourke St, Cnr Bourke and Spring, Melbourne) Dates: 28 March – 9 April (Every damn day) Tickets: Full: $20, Conc & Group of 6+: $15, Tightarse Tues: $10 Times: 21:00 (1 hr) Bookings: Via trybooking.com or at the door ... And…
2013 – When We Were Idiots (A Walking Tour with Micah D Higbed and myself) Venue: Walking tour meeting point: Melb Town Hall – Meet Under the Portico (main entrance) Dates: 27 March – 9 April (every damn day!) Tickets: $15 Full, $10 Conc, Groups of 6 or more and Tuesdays Times: 6pm every day, extra show at 2pm on weekends & public holidays (90 mins running time) Bookings: Via trybook.com or tour meeting point. (Tickets available from 1hr prior)
Going to Events Alone by Nathan Lentern
If I am to be honest with myself I am forced to concede that the size of my circle of friends is unpleasantly smaller than average and that my tastes in entertainment are regrettably niche. It so happens therefore that every little while and a bit when say Martha Wainwright or Angus Deayton arrives down under for a tour, despite my best efforts I’m unable to persuade someone to forfeit the requisite eighty dollars to accompany me. There are times when I’ll choose to forego the experi- ence altogether, particularly given budgetary considerations but there are equally as many where I’ll attend humble and unaccompanied. If you aren’t a savvy soloist going alone can be a rather bruising experi- ence so here are five quick tips for making your experience all the more pleasant. 1) Schedule a phone call for intermission: There is very little fun to be had wandering around on your own whilst happy groups gather around clucking cheerfully about the performance. Despite the enormous lines for the bathroom and the bar, invariably you’ll be able to use the loo, buy a drink, do a lap of the foyer and still fit twenty minutes of standing awkwardly into your ten minute intermission, so it’s best if you can schedule a phone call. This is not difficult to achieve, simply stop answering your phone for a few days leading up to the concert then begin returning the calls in the intermission. If done effectively this will not only make for a more pleasant intermission but can also ensure that a tedious phone call doesn’t ruin a more enjoyable engagement. 2) Time your arrival carefully: If you’ve elected to go unaccom- panied than it ceases to be a social event and becomes exclusively about entertainment, as such there’s little cause for early arrival. Eliminate as many variables as possible so that you might time your
might time your arrival precisely moments before the performance commences. Have your ticket mailed to you in advance to avoid the unpredictable wait involved with collect ing them from the box office. Choose your mode of transport carefully;; be well informed of road traffic conditions, rail trackworks and potential bus strikes before making an educated decision as to which method of transport is most suitable. With a little luck you can then avoid any substantial awkward waiting around prior to your event and still see your beloved act.
3) Dress for a swift exit: Just as timing your arrival is invaluable for minimising awkward standing around time, so too is enabling your quick departure. As such when you go to an event on your own it is form follows function all the way. Exits at these things always have enormous bottle neck issues, so you want to be hasty in getting yourself to the front of the meandering masses. This means you do not want coats or jackets strewn over seats or worse have to queue to collect them from a coat check. For women or men with a penchant for ostentatious ankle boots this also means mobile footwear. 4) Know your venue: Until you investigate the intricacies of your venue you never know what fine ways might be on offer to pass the time. I was recently an audience member for the ABC’s QandA program. By sheer good fortune as I arrived in the foyer I stumbled upon a comedian friend of mine who was working at the ABC at the time, who took fifteen minutes from his job to keep me company. The lesson here is both tried and simple, you never know unless you investigate. 5) Book a ticket one seat out from the aisle: With this simple act of foresight you can ensure that you will always be sitting next to some- body who is similarly unaccompanied. They, like you, are likely to be undergoing sensations of awkwardness and discomfiture owing to their being alone and will be grateful for a chance to strike up a conver- sation with the jovial person seated next to them. What’s more this is one of the few social situations whereby you know for certain that you have something in common with the person whom you’ve just introduced yourself to. Take it from my personal experience that if you perform this manoeuvre with even a semblance of social dexterity not only will you quickly find yourself a companion for the night, but with any luck a companion for next time an obscure favourite announces their Australian tour. Nathan can be found @nlentern & http://lentern.wordpress.com
Comedy: The lucrative money making business that no one can achieve by Seizure “money maker” Kaiser
Festival registration fee? A couple of hundred. Flyer and poster design? Another couple of hundred. Printing your posters and flyers? At least $500 for good print stock. So far… already a grand in the hole and you haven’t even sold a single ticket.
A growing trend is open mic comedians opening rooms, and then calling themselves professional comedians. They get their open mic mates to do support and headline spots. This becomes clear to audiences when they see acts that aren’t ready, funny or talented enough to do such gigs and then are treated to a sub-par show.
These are some problems that 99% of comedians have to come to terms with when putting on shows. It never is cheap and it never is fun. The festival circuit is one of the most agonising and stressful times for every comedian. It’s a drain on not only their wallets but their souls, you can see it in their worn out, old and grey eyes… and that’s just the comedians in their 20s.
After an experience as such most punters would tend to never go to another live comedy show again, and with a small population in Australia, you can see numbers declining in attendance for local acts. So why would venues such as pubs and clubs pay more for audiences that aren’t there? Better yet, you could have a killer 20 minutes of material but if no one is there to see it, the promoter would feel annoyed in paying someone who can’t draw or sustain a crowd.
Festivals aside, there is hardly enough work going on in the club circuit since there aren’t enough venues to work in (who don’t have shady promoters ripping the performers off). The comedy industry is one of the few jobs in the world where the standard pay has not risen for over 30 years. But who is to blame? The industry for not setting a standard in pay, or the inexperienced who take pay cuts to get more stage time and a shot at fame quicker? It’s a double edge sword that’s cutting people on both sides. As a working comedian and promoter (of sold out and critically acclaimed shows – that’s how you self promote kids ;;) ) I can tell you that I have made waymore money in the promotion/producing side of the business. Yet it still isn’t enough to make a living off. You make enough to gloat and rub it into other comedians faces, but all in all you will only make enough money to print more flyers for your show and maybe still get that latte… from a dispense machine.
Then YouTube comes along and half of a comedians audiences are gone because they have seen it free on the internet. That is why many working comedians here and abroad don’t put their work online. There is nothing I would like more than to make some decent money by doing what I love, how ever to do that I must get signed to an agency. To get signed you have to tick a few boxes other than being just funny, and for most there truly is no hope. Yet we will keep doing what we do not because we are in it for the money, but for the sheer thrill of making people laugh… Seizure Kaiser You can harass him on Twitter @iAmSeizure Or abuse him on his fan page facebook.com/iAmSeizure
How to get a Comedy spot in Sydney by Ange Hume
In general everyone agreed that showing up and checking out the room never did a comic any harm. Head on over to The Laugh Garage on a Wednesday or Thursday night and chat to Ryan behind the bar, he’ll be able to book you for an open mic spot. The wise woman of Magic Comedy, Jenny Camp- bell warns against “getting stroppy” as it “will get you no gigs anywhere, anytime”. She also recom- mends that you bring your strongest set the first time you perform in a room, otherwise they’re unlikely to let you back in the door.
After speaking to a number of people who run rooms this week I’ve come to the conclusion that there are some universal strategies that will open a few doors. The first one is, ‘be good’, or in comic speak “don’t be shit”. However being a new comedian myself I feel the pain of needing the stage time to improve, but being unable to get it. This is where Star Bar is fabulous for new comics. They run two shows a week, in a solid space with one of the most varied crowds in Sydney. The more paying guests accompanying you the higher your chances are of getting a spot. Even though the other rooms aren’t as upfront about it, bringing friends to a comedy night is always appreciated by the promoter. Get a bit social and talk to comedians who have performed in the space that you’re trying to get into. Ask them how they got their spot, they might be able to give you some tailored advice. If the promoter is around go up and ask them what you would need to do to get a spot.
Once you get your spot don’t embarrass the promoter. Make sure that you know your audience. A comedy audience is far more tolerant to your clever spin on a rape joke (it’s like we want Timing is everything, they’re going to be far more the audience to hate us) than a non-comedy crowd receptive to you after the show than in the middle at an RSL show. of their headliners set. Some will ask you to register on their website, others prefer an email or Be a bit helpful. If you’re around and not too a Facebook message. The Comedy Corner team caught up in your own head, offer to help set up the recommend that you include some basic details room. Giving Wofe a hand to set up chairs at The such as your phone number and where you’ve Squealing Pig could potentially open doors. performed previously. As someone who has never managed to get a gig Don’t go all bunny boiler. The Mic in Hand has a at the Comedy Store this is an unproven strategy. massive waiting list. Liam’s advice is to just be However, I strongly suspect that entering the raw patient, it’s an open mic night and your turn will competition doesn’t do your chances any harm. At come. Emailing him every few days to check that the very least you’ll get to perform there during the he received your email isn’t going to do you any heats! favours. However the boys at Comedy Corner are likely to get back to you fairly promptly so I would If you’re still struggling to get gigs. Do what the follow up after a couple of weeks to make sure that best and the worst of us do, set up your own room with your own special brand of crazy rules Google didn’t eat your email. designed to flummox comedians. Check out next Kathryn Bendall from Comedy on the Rox offers months edition for the lazy girls guide to running a some great advice for comics who think they’ve comedy night. moved up to a MC/headliner/support stage. Send the promoter a bio that includes your photo, online Angela Hume is a Sydney comedian who runs video footage and a link to your website or public Moose Comedy in Newtown, an open mic night that is booked up until June... facebook page.
What the Hell am I Doing? The highs and lows of doing a show without a festival. _____________ by Angus Brown My producer and I were sitting eating some dinner shortly before heading to the theatre to set up for my first show. For the past two months the show had been the main topic of conversation between us. Other shows were planned for the new year, festival registrations were completed, venues confirmed, deposits paid. But this show was first and most importantly, this show was all on us. What My Mum Taught Me had been performed earlier this year as a part of the Melbourne interna- tional Comedy festival. My first solo show. It was well received, got great reviews and excellent houses. It was a brilliant experience and despite the fact that my venue was out in St Kilda, far from the festival hub, and that my show was not festival managed, there was one thing that was always abundantly clear, I was a part of a festival. An event. Audiences were in the mood for comedy, actively looking for it, wanting it. At 8:15pm after hurriedly finishing a parmigana we decided to check on the pre-sale bookings for the show. We logged on and saw what we had seen for the past week and a half. One. One pre-sale ticket and forty-five minutes til opening night on a thirty-nine degree day, the hottest of the year, on a day when the trains had stopped working because the tracks had warped. Comedy audiences are notorious for showing up at the last minute without pre-booking their tickets. But with no trains and heat so severe you welcomed the drops of sweat down the crack of your ass because at least that cooled you down, I held little hope for an eleventh hour surge of punters. We started doing a count of who we believed would possibly show up. We listed off some names and at the end of the very short list my producer said, “Oh yeah, and Neil”. Neil.
My tech guy. We were at a point that we were counting the crew as asses on seats. I delicately explained that counting the crew on a potential audience list was insanity and my producer smiled wearily and said, “Well he hasn’t seen it before.” I put my head down on the table and started to wish I had stayed home and finished doing my taxes. I thought of all the one hundred million reasons I shouldn’t be putting on my own show. At the top of the list was I wasn’t famous, I wasn’t on t.v, I didn’t have a huge fanbase, I wasn’t funny, I wasn’t smart, I looked fat in these jeans. What the hell was I doing? The decision to do a show outside of the festival is born in much the same way as the decision to do a show inside the festival. It comes from a deluded idea that what you have to say in funny enough to hold an audiences attention for an hour and leave them happy they turned over their cash to hear it.
I looked back up at my producer who smiled again and stood up saying, “let’s do it then.” I got to the theatre, did my mic check, set up my stage, put on my opening music and told the doorman to open the house. Eight punters walked in and took their seats. (not included Neil the tech) The doorman nodded that was all there was, locked the doors and killed the house lights. From the back of the room my techie proudly called out ‘ladies and gentleman, would you please welcome your comedian for this evening Angus Brown!’ I took the stage and told my first joke and some- thing I forgot about happened. They laughed, loudly and heartily, and I remem- bered exactly what the hell I was doing. I was telling jokes, and I was telling them in my show put on off my own back simply because I wanted. And these eight people were there to hear the jokes simply because I had put on the show. No special event. No drink specials at the bar. No festival to create the hype. Then came the rest of the season, and with each night, a near sold out crowd. People showed, jokes were told, laughter…laughed. And I developed some advice to offer up to anyone I came across who was thinking about doing a show outside of festival time.
This hope and desire to entertain and to have people find you oh so hilarious, witty and just a touch smart is a strong one in all comics. And while the festival can provide all the desired support to do it, it can feel a little like training wheels. You peddle your wares like mad and while you feel like you’re flying on your own if you look back you see someone propping you up the whole time. I wanted to ride alone, and the advice given to me when I made this declaration came in the following forms. Do it. Do it now, and enjoy it. “Don’t do it.” “You’re going to lose a lot of money” “You’re a fool.” “I hate you.” The last one seemed extreme put I pushed on all the same. Come 8pm opening night the words rung in my ear like the thunderous applause I knew would not be coming tonight.
Doing a show is fucking hard no matter when you do it, but who gives a shit? Telling jokes is fun and making people laugh is awesome, and if it’s what you want to do you should do it. I still have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but I do know why I am doing it. Angus Brown can be found at: www.angusbrowncomedy.com
An American university did a study on six year old girls, asking them to identify which of a series of paper dolls most closely represented what they wanted to be like: 68% chose the 'sexy' doll dressed in revealing clothes. 72% said they thought the sexy doll was 'more popular' than the others. At 6 years of age, these girls are already convinced that in order to be popular, you need to be a sexy paper doll. Oh sweetheart, show me on the doll where society objectified you? It's part of a trend that has bothered social commentators since the 1990’s, “Raunch culture”;; female chauvinists;; women complicit in their own sexual degradation. I think the real victims of women dressing like whimsical prostitutes are actual prostitutes. With young women dressing the way they do on a Saturday night, how do you as a legitimate sex worker distinguish yourself? It used to be that you could identify a hooker because she dressed like a hooker. Now the only way a hard working whore can one-up Slutty Simone from the Shire is by actually showing her vagina in the street. What if it's winter?! C'mon! Have some consideration for your sisters in the sex industry. We need to understand basic economics. The fact that Ladies get into clubs for free, for exam- ple, is not a sign of your worth as a human being. Of course it’s free to get into a club, slutty lady;; you’re not the customer, you’re the merchandise.
We need to educate young women about the reality of what happens when you 'empower' yourself by building an identity around being “fuckable”. First, your expiry date becomes much closer. If important parts of your selfhood revolve around this kind of loud sexiness, the core of your self-esteem will deflate like a paper bag in a storm the moment your secondary sex characteristics stop glistening like wet peaches in the sparkling light of a kings cross street-lamp. Go out on a weekend and you'll see young women stumbling towards you with glazed eyes, wearing those platform heels that look sexy when stationary, but force a weird stork-walk so you look like an imperial walker from star-wars. They move in packs, and there's usually one who's fallen off the back and is sitting in the gutter shouting, "Leave me comrades! I'm done for! Save yourselves!" On the other hand, I don’t want to discount the power provocatively dressed women do have. For example, I think its cute that many guys believe they're making the first move on such women: thinking they are amazing cool preda- tors, swooping in and dazzling an unsuspecting damsel into their manly embrace. That woman who’s ‘just’ standing there in the bar like she forgot how to think? She got up the day before yesterday and got her perineum waxed, rubbed herself with sand and chemicals until the undesirable top few layers of her skin fell off, put fake tan on and stood still until it dried then cleaned fake tan off everything she’d touched. Today she put on fake eyelashes, fake breasts, a hairpiece, spanx shapewear, two foot heels and a dress so short it looks like she forgot to wear pants under a singlet. You know, just for fun. You’re still the power player, dude. Totally.
GIRLS. Alice R Fraser That said, for that girl, picking up a guy in those circumstances is like winning call of duty with immortality mode on. She has no idea what her actual skill level is, because there’s so much piled on artifice that her real personality can't get any oxygen and she becomes a hair-twirling idiot that shames the name of every female scientist that ever made an improvement to the quality of life for humanity. Did you know the cosmetics industry moves $170 billion a year? Imagine if that money were spent on literally anything else! We need to start teaching women that they're worth more than the sum total of guys that want to do them or we're going to have a problem when a whole generation turns 35 and suddenly realises that they haven't had time to develop a personality at all.
TO SW#@R, OR NOT TO SW#@R? By Grant Busé
That is the question I hope all comedians consider as they write their next set. Are the ‘F’ and ‘C’ words really necessary? Will the joke be funnier with the addition of a curse? Could this alienate some of the audience? By no means am I suggesting that comics should be censored. Comedians should feel comfortable to express themselves however they choose. There is no denying that if used effectively, swearing can add humour. Many professional comedians are renowned for their cursing antics. For example, Robin Williams and Billy Connelly swear so much in their stand up sets, that any audience would assume they are lifetime members of the Frankston Phonetics Society (FPS). So what makes swearing funny? Is it the taboo nature of the words that make us feel uncomfortable, and thus we laugh as an outlet to relieve our abashment?
Despite all this, I have never heard a person say, “I just love how that comedian swears all the time”. If you substitute the word love for hate, then that is a completely different story. Swearing is arguably the most audience-polarizing comedic device a standup can use. Some audience members are so put off by incessant swearing, they just ‘turn off’. As if to protest, they cease all laughing, even if some of the jokes are funny. This effect is especially evident in more conservative crowds. Considering the primary goal of comedy is to make your audience laugh, one might say a stand-up’s success is measured by the amount of laughs they receive on the night. So why employ a comedic device that has the potential to ‘turn off’ a large segment of your audience,
dwindling the quantity of laughs you receive? If stand-up were like any other profession, swearing would be considered a poor business strategy. Perhaps its just slips out as a nervous reflex, or perhaps comics have seen other successful comedians do it and follow suit? Maybe, from experience, the joke is just not funny without the ‘F’ word. I have seen many comedians who do not swear at all, and find them equally as amusing as comedians who do. For what it is worth, my personal view on the matter is that swearing should be used as punctuation, not sentence structure. If used, these words should enhance the joke, not be the joke. When swearing is used effectively, the audience should not even be aware that a profanity was ever uttered. That is my humble opinion on the matter. If you don’t like it... Go coitus yourself.