Alacrán Desires: The Anarchy & Communism of La Caminante

ALACRÁN DESIRES:

THE ANARCHY & COMMUNISM OF LA CAMINANTE

white mountain rabbit

...this zine is dedicated to the compas from the Chicanx World-Making & Futurities Project: my friends, my intellectual comrades, the homies I love...

Er entwickelt die in ihr schlummernden Möglichkeiten und unterwirft das Spiel ihrer Kräfte seiner eignen Botmäßigkeit.

-Karl Marx-

for Kim, Joel, Ramón, Maritza, Gustavo, and Natalia This

Pleasecreditanyreferenceorre-production(digital, print,orotherwise)totheoriginalauthor. * COPYLEFT *

Table of Contents

0. Writing, Alacránes, and the Earth

1. Last Breath

2. Wild Seeds - Errata -

3. Pinchers, Stingers, and Exoskeletons

4. The Mountain

5. La Caminante

6. Flesh, Bones, and Organs

7. Welders and Mystics - Un Noche de Ska -

8. Decolonial Grieving

9. Tending to the Fire

10. “We Come to Listen to You”

11. Life, the Last Heresy

12. Anarchy and Communism

13. Influx and Exits - Postscript -

Creativity is a liberation impulse, an activity that transforms materials and energy.

- GloriaE.Anzaldúa-

Writing, Alacránes, and the Earth

20June2022

Thissummer(thehotandeeriedaysoftheyear2022)Idecidedtoread Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness as an investigation into existence,existents,nihilation,andthewayswecraftouressence.Ihave beeninterestedinexistenceandourcreativecapacities somethingI owetotheworkofGloriaE.Anzaldúa.Myenchantmentwithexistence isabitoptimistic,thoughImostlydwellinpessimismwherethe existentsofourworld,ouruniverse,andoursharedcosmos,arerelations and processes of matter that invoke in me an endless feeling of weirdness.Ihavenolanguagetothinkthroughthisemotionotherthan weird. Some things and some energies are beyond our linguistic understandings.WhichiswhyIlovethespiritofSartreandAnzaldúa. Theymaketheweirdfeelperceptible,givingusanimageoranopening tofeel-weird-together,tomakeusfeelasthoughwearecapabletocraft ourmovements(notwithouttheirlimits)asacreativeactofselfinvention.Andyes,maybeIhaveMarkFisheronmymind,butthe weirdformeisalsothataffectthatmakesusunfeel,torealizeweare sentient,wearebodies,weareinaprocessofdeath.Ourlifeisanartof motioninalldirections,inrelationtoanideathatreasonswearein searchformeaning.Itisastruggleovermeaning,arelationshiptosigns, thattheweirdemerges.

Thenihilististhefigureofthehumanparalyzedbytheweird,affected bythenothingnessthatturnsthesearchformeaninginonitself meaningbecomesvoid.Iamsuspiciousofthenihilist,yetIshareon occasionstheanxietiesorphilosophicalponderingsofnihilism.The meaninglessoflifeornonlifeinthecosmosisahumanconditionthat motions toward a celestial-terrestrial condition. Meaning and its constituent affects in the human register (our bodies, mind, and emotions)islimitedtolanguage,ofhowweinterpretfeelings,emotions, andaffections.Nihilismisachannelingofsignsthatreducesthemto non-meaning,tothinkofexistenceasanaberrationandrandom,thus anyefforttomapourstructuresorrelationsofmeaningontolife/nonlife isnothingmorethanawasteofenergy.

ItisherewhereIpositdesireasanentanglementwithawaste(anexcess) ofenergy,withmeaning.Thisismyrequiemtoourenergetic,entropic conditionashumansingeneral,butasXican@sinparticular.

Ifindmyselfdeepinmymindimaginingasweatofwritingthatmakes storiesagain,thatworksthroughproblemsIthinkareworthenergy.I findmyselftoosadmostdaysandthentheburstsofwritingsurgestothe pageandmyhandsarewriting theytypeandtypeandtype,motioning slowlyasIreadnotesfrommypencilandpeninoldnotebooks.What thisbodyofminecandoiswhatcaptivatesmemosttimes.Thewriteris anartist.Thewritingaworkofart.Thereisamap(tohome),anditis carvedintomybones,hemorrhaginginmyimagination readyand waiting.

Ifindmyselfdeepinmydreaming,formingnewworldsinourmidst(as thecompañeraYmoatsaysfromher trinchera,inherwordsin Xicanista

Radicalisms: Volume 1).Theseworldsareabundantwithpoetry,dance, moshing,writing,cooking,cleaning,hugging pleasureandbodies, witnessingandswappingstories,beingsadandjoyful.Idreamoffriends Isharearoadwith allofthemintheirowncrossroads,theirvoyages, theirquantumentanglementsoflovewithmeandeachother.Idreamof Gustavoandhisinfectiousoptimismandhopeinaworldthatruinsme hiswordisoneoflove.IdreamofNataliaandhercompassionmixed withdignifiedrage,asubtleblendofspellsthatsurgeswithlove,her vindicationthatweareworthmorethanwethinkofourselves.Idream ofKimandtheiralchemyoflove their tlamatini energiesofhealing, wisdom,andtruth,burningwithanancestralcallingtocards,smoke, andmovement.IdreamofJoelandhissharptongueoflove,wherethe anxiouspleasuresoffriendshipmergewithhiskeennesstobridge passion.IdreamofRamónandhisnomadiccompanionshipthatdefies linesandseparation—hisnepantleraactionsarefulloflove,andhis naguala selfisunswervingtothosewhowalkwithhim.Idreamof Maritzaandtheiropennesstotheworld—apathrichwiththorns, lavender,andoils,blendinginthemolcajeteoflove,wheretheskies shineandthewatersmellow,thecrustoftheEarthtastingofcoffee—my lifecompanionandlover.Idreamanddreamanddream,tillthe nightmaresoftheworldend,asIputwordtoacts,imagestopractices.

Ifindmyselfintheviscousofreality,yearningfromanurbanZapatista experience a radical friendship fromthemargins.Iwritefromthis dwellingoflove.

The alacrán (scorpion)isacreature,insect,organismthatmesmerizesme. Theytranscendlandtopographiesandcrossoceans abeingbornof dirt,fire,andworld.TheyareamemorythattheEarthshifts,travels, and transforms. They make part of many cultures, peoples, and cosmovisionsacrosstheplanet,latierramadre.Their transversality moves meimmensely.Ihavecometoknowthealacránasanimagined companioninmythinking,mydoing,andmywriting.Throughout thiszineyouwillfindtheimageofthealacránrummagingintheword, overflowingwithenergies.Idesirethesemyths,images,andstoriesof thealacránes.

Iwantusandneedustoimaginethealacránnotasenemybutacreature ofperception.Iyearnforthewordtopinchandsting,enactingagenre ofedgingdeathinitstracks…yet,Iyearnforthewordtobepatient,to demonstrateitspowerinresilienceagainstallodds.Inmanyways,the wordasalacránisbothdestructionandpleasure,abodyweenter grazingthedestituteEarth,cryingforthewindsoftheatmosphere.

Alacrándesiresareweirdfeelingswhenmoralityshatters.Itisashifted reality unearthed by the hostile terrain (of capital, colonialism, patriarchy,whitesupremacy).Webecomealacránlesswhenmetwith forcesofoppressionthanwiththeenergiesoftheEarth.Itisabreak withthegoverninghumansymbolicorder,amethodforre-alignments withancestralteachings.The alacrán desires Isetouttothinkwithare visceral,divine,andprofane—interconnectedmaterialitiesthatmake senseofourhumanconditionfromaXican@perspective.

Thiszineisasongforthe noisy Earthburgeoningwithlifeandnonlife.

Itscacophonousmusicisimpressedonineachword,eachsentence,and eachparagraphcrafted.BetweenthejazzofTheloniousMonk,thenoise ofManistheBastard,andtherhythmsofGabrielaPenka,Iamweaving togethermyform.ThiszinecomesatatimewhenIwasinadeep stubbornplacenotwantingtowrite,inneitheracademicnorcreative form.

Apartofmebrokethroughandisnowunfoldingoutofthatstate. Maybeitwastheparalysisofthenihilist,ortheenjoymentofliving withoutcare,howevertemporarybothare.Ifelttheparalysisslowly, withmyflashesofanxiety,leavemybody.Ifeltthemusiconceagainof theworldIdwellin.TheworksIassembledforthiszinespeakfrom,in, andthroughmybody asotherstrytocontendwiththeory,radical thought,andmotionsofstruggle.Inarratetotheworld,burningwitha fire.

Thiszinerummageswithprose,poetry,andphilosophy modesof writingIplaywith,genresIimmersemyselfwith—toconjureanimage of la caminante,howeverinvisible,howeverunambiguous.Forme,la caminanteisafiguretraversingthepoliticsoffreedom.Lacaminanteisa voyagerofworldsorisapraxisofworld-travelingasMaríaLugones wouldputit.Inthiszine,lacaminanteisafigureforanarchyand communismasatheoryfor liberatory storytelling or an emancipatory movement of signs.Ihavenodriveforthiszinetobeamanifesto,a treatise,ananalysis.Itisacreativeexpressionofmycurrenttendencies withradicalmovementorsubversiveradicalism.Itisazinethatreaches intomyheartandripsitout.Itisasacrificialofferingtothebodyofla caminante.Nothing more,nothing less.

Thezineisforfriends,antagonists,andthosewhoshadowthepathofLa Xicanada.Thespecificityofmywritingurgesmetospeakdirectlyto thosewhoembodyXican@theoriesofexistence.Thereissomething weirdinknowingeachother,offindingeachother.Ionlyhopemy wordsarevaluableenergies.

Istartinthisplace…writingfromasearchingsouldis-placed,re-placed, andplaced.Ilooktotheopeningforthefictionaloutside,thatdesireto bethrown,thatitchtoescaperealitymadebyme.Whatdoesitmeanto startthere?Thezero-degreewithnothingbutstories,lineages,kin,and collective dreams? To start anew is to make one incomplete in incompleteness tojourneyforalifetimediggingforasenseofroots.

Howwillrootscompleteme?Howwillitaffectmysenseofplace?Is placeaterritoryofland?Isplacekin?Isplacethatdwellingofdesire?

Lacaminanteisafigurewhotraversesbeyondthehuman,areckoning onmypsychesovisceralanddemandingthatIspeakfrommywounds.I openmywoundtotasteblood,pus,andsweat.Theperformanceof anarchyandcommunismareaestheticasmuchastheyareactsof rebellionandresistance.Theyareartsofmotion,turningintonew worldsofmanyworldsbeyondcapital,states,andcivilizationaswe knowit.Iputthemtotask,fromtheunfeelingofbecomingweird.

Icraftthiszineatthetailendofcollapse,theendoftheworldaswe knowit(thedominantcivilizationonitskneesasitattemptstorescue itselffromitself),thedawnofanewcyclethatwillpolarizeyetagainthe waysweasaspeciesbecomeinoursocialorganization.Toomanyhave giventhistimeaname,fromtheAnthropocenetothePlantationceneto thefallofWesterncivilization.Somesayit’stheriseoftheSixthSun,el sextosol.Whateverwecallit,itismyfirmassessmentthatitisneither humannorideas,butforcesinteractingcreatedbythematerialworld. Thesearetheforcesofenergies—life-giving,life-taking,nonlifecracked openandspillingout,tillweknowdeathashorror,suffering,and anxiety.ThereturntotheEarthindeath-form,re-channelinglifein regenerativeactivity,isahopefuldestiny.However,thecharredEarth anditsremainsfollowextinction,annihilatinglifeanddeathasprocesses ofenduringlife.

Whatwearereturningtoisnotaplanetoflifeoraplanetofdeath itis thereturntothesilenceofnonlife,theenergiesofthegeologicalforces oftheEarth,ourorigin.Tostruggleforlifeistostruggleagainstthis eco-fascistnightmare. To struggle for life is to defend land, territory, and our life-vitalizing forces.Thisismyproposal,learnedfromlanddefenders acrosstheplanet.Letusmakenoiseinthedeafeningsilenceoffascism.

FromthebeachesofAnisq’oyo, LandswheretheChumashsing, Wherecolonialfantasiesdie, Thislandofstruggle, Thisplaceoflife, white mountain rabbit

Last Breath

26June2022

Ifeltthelifeblood,thepulseofmyheart.Iimagineddeathagainwith thestillnessofmybreath.Idon’tknowwhethertocallitanxietyorfear. Iamapprehendedbythatstillness,closedofftoitstendernessasifIwill besubmergedunderwaterwiththeweightoftheocean.Iremembered myearliestasthmaattack,withamindracingforassurancethatIwould live.Howimmediate,sharp,andacuteeachbreathwas,cryingmeinto desolationasmymotherscrambledtotakemetotheemergencyroom milesaway.Myredinhalerfailedme.Thesteroidaldrugexacerbatedthe constrictionofmyairways—theoppositeofwhatitsreliefwassupposed togiveme.Ifelttheneedtoscream,butunabletospeak nottillthey putmeonhighqualitydrugstoopenmeupagain,re-discoveringthe easeofbreathing.

IfindmyselfunabletosleepsomedaysscaredIwillopenmyeyes,outof breath,blueanddead.Mytruthisthepreciouslifeineachconsciousor automaticbreathtakenwiththepulseofmyheartfeltinmychest.I don’tknowwhatitisliketoneverworryaboutmybreathing.The terriblenessofanattackonmylungshauntsmeasIsearchforwaysto alleviatemyminorsuffering,myquietemptiness.Idon’tremembermy mother’sface,hergestures,orherpanic.Ionlyrememberthememory ofshortinhalationsandquickexhales,gettingshorterandshorterasif myairwayswereaclosingtunnelwithnolightattheend.

Thesteadinessofmybreathingshiftedfrommindtomyeveryday physicalpain—onesthatretreatintomyownnegligenceandothers waitingtobefelt.Idon’tknowwhyIamobsessedwithmylungs,why myanxiousbodyfearsdeepsleepandstillness.Itrytomakesenseofitin mymemory,butIwonderifthesearenarrativesthatbetrayme.I remembermynurse,ashortwhitewomanwithblondehairinablue-ish medicaloutfit.IknowthetasteofthesweetmedicineIinhaledforwhat feltlikealifetimebutwastwentyminutes.TheguiltIfeltafterwardwas thethousandsofdollarsitcosttomakemylungsrightagain.

HowmuchIfeltguiltytobeaburden—howmylungswereina precariousconditionthatcouldruinmyfamily.Idon’trememberthe trigger, which caused me to feel like my end was near. This unpredictabilitymakesmemoreanxious,andIknowitcancreepoutat times,anywhere.

ThedisabledbodyisoneIhaveahardtimeconfronting.Iaskmyself, confused,“isthisadisability?”Ihavenoanswers,onlytosuggestformy bodythatperhapsitis.Ispeakfromthatin-betweenofrecognitionand refusal,thedesiretoknowifwhatIsufferisspecifictoadisabilityorthe arrogancetothinkthatIamnot.

IthinkonourlongridesfromSantaBarbaratoLosAngelestoAnaheim withmypartner,thesamefreewayfromOctaviaE.Butler’sParableof theSower,oftheendoftheworld.Wethinkofpreparingourselves,of buildingourcollectivepodswithcompasfromLosAngeles,ofknowing ourterrain,andtheunavoidablequestion:willIhavemedicationformy asthmaaftercollapse?HowwillIsurvivetheendoftheworldwithout albuterol?Welistentoapodcastfromadriennemareebrownandthink aboutmachines,medication,andorganizingthecorrectproceduresfor thosedisabled.Disabilityjusticeforusbecameanimmediateproblem, whetherornottheempireoftheUnitedStatesfellinourlifetime.I realizedmyurgentconditionforsteroidaldrugsorothermethodsof calmingthelungsinmybody:itisamattertosustainmylifeforthe long-term.

Thisimageanditspracticeareoneofmany.Aworldofbodies,of people,oforgans.ThelastbreathIdesireformybodyistobewhenI amatpeacewithdeath,atpeacewiththelungsIwasbornwith.Ilive fortheairIbreathe,theelementwesharetogether.Ican’tdoitwithout you,theinhalerIcarry,thefriendwhothinksofme,themachineand maskthatwillsaveme.Iliveforarevolutionarylastbreath,attheend withyou.

I bang Native resistance ‘til the end of my existence / And I'm one with Mother Earth my church / The natural living world, buildin’ my relation that was stripped from me alongside my humanity… KozmikForce,“BuriedwithMyXolotl”

On the Potentialities of Wild Seeds

Theinvocationof wild seed istoborrowfromOctaviaE.Butlera conceptthatemergesfromherPatternistseries.Itisthenameofherfirst bookoftheseriesunderthesamename(Wild Seed)publishedin1980.It isalsothenameofawritingcollectivesomeofusdesiredonChumash landsattheuniversitytobringtogetherwritersandpoetstodocreative writing spontaneousinouremergencewiththelinesofcreativedesire wegenerated.Theuseofwildseedhereistothinkwithandbeyondthe waysGillesDeleuzeandFélixGuattari(philosopherandpsychoanalyst, respectively)workwiththeirplateauoftherhizomeintheirsecond volume of Capitalism and Schizophrenia, the eclectic text called A Thousand Plateaus.Though,let’snotgroundwhatIamabouttowriteas adeleuzoguattarianmeditation.Iwanttodoabitofanexperimentwith thiswriting,butIalsowantittobeanexerciseofcritical-creative thought.Let’sjumptotheelementaryformasMarxwouldinhis immanentcritiqueofpoliticaleconomy attunedtoasearchfordesire.

Theconceptofwildseedisthecombinationoftwowords:wildand seed.Wildisawordtomeananddenotethatwhichisnotdomesticated norcivilized:itisawordsignifyingaprimaryhumanrelationtothe naturalatmosphere,ecology,andspace.Thewildisthe out there,a cognitiveandphysicalseparationmadebyhumanculturesandsocialities thatmakethisdualismbetweenthewildandthenon-wild,thecivilized andthenon-civilized.Wild,then,constructsaworldbetweenthe here andthe out there,aworldofdifferencedelineatedbyhowspecifichuman worldsandtheirformsofdesirestructurereality.This Westernized claim onthewildisasetofdiscoursesthatemergefromthehistoryof capitalistemergence,materialconditions,andsocialrelations,deepin thelogicofwhatweknowasEuropeancivilization.Thisisaclaimwe

cantraceandmaptotheappearanceofanideaofEuropeanpower.I refusetofollowalongwithsocialscientificandphilosophicalclaimsofa teleologythatallhumanemergenceswouldshadowthistrajectoryof development.Thewildremainsahegemonicarchetypeboundby Europeanreason.Yet,thequestionhereremains:how,ifpossible,dowe rescueandreclaimtheconceptionofthewild?

Toreclaimthewildistoabandonandre-signifyitscolonialsign,its meaningentrenchedinthelogicofcategory,itsdesiretonamethe Other.There-significationofthewildistothinkandbewithits intensities,itsvectorsofstruggleagainstcontrol,andcivilizinggestures tonamethebodyofthewild,tocontainitandholditcaptiveforthe civilizationalgaze.Thisembraceofthewild,asare-signifyingstruggle, laborstowardsthehorizonsofarebelspirit.Thewildisaprojector anti-projecttonameandre-namethemeaningofemancipation.Itismy hopeherethatwecanunderstandhowthewildspeculatesadesireother than the savage or immorality.Theimageoftherhizomeisperhapsthe perfectillustration,asmappedbyDeleuzeandGuattari.Thinkhereof theobjectofapotato/papa.The potato/papa isneitherrootnorradicle,as itsforceofexistenceisrhizomatic.Potatoesgrownottoodeepbeneath thesoiloftheEarth,longoffshootssearchingforsunraystoflower.The papadoesnotgrowandrootitselflikeatreeormaíz.Thepotato/papais arhizomethatdefiesthesingularconceptionofaroot—though,a potato/papafunctionslikearootwithradicles.Thisdefiantplantasa tuberthenalsorefusesthemultiplicityofrhizomes.Theideahereisthat thepotato/papaisawildplant.Wecouldspeakofginger,turmeric,or bamboo,butthepotato/papadoesmoreconceptuallytore-thinkthe difference between roots and rhizomes. The wild is the refusal for demanding categorization—itdesiresanexistenceunbounded.

Imightbereachingherewithmydeclarations,butlet’sturnto the seed. SeedsaretheembryoticplantsoftheEarth,astheversatileorganismthat re-produceslifefromamultiplicityofscales.Theseedisthemicroorganisminembryoticformcreatingthedialecticsofregeneration.The seedisaconceptthatrelatestothematerialworld,fromplantsto humanstoanimals,andallthehierarchiesorhorizontalitiesoflifethat weashumansimplicateourselvesinasamappingofmultispecies ecologies.Theseedmakespartofthecycleorregenerativeflowoflife

anddeath,thetransformationoforganicformsthatinhabittheEarth. Seedsarenotinorganicnorpartofthegeologicalworld thatistosay, theyarenotofnon-life.Thus,weunderstandseedsformingpartofthe processesoflife,theobjectofvitalre-production,de-composition,and re-generation.Seedsarelife.Seedsarethesacredandthedivineforthe future,present,andpastoflife.

Wildseedinthisnewconfigurationprovokesamomentforthought andaction.Howmightweunderstandtheexchangebetweenwildand seed?Whatformsofwildseedsarepossible?ThisistosayIhaveanidea forapotentialformandpraxis:wildseedisbothbeingandbecoming. The becoming-wild ofwildseedsarethewaysinwhichseedsrefuse comportmentorproducetheweird:theseedbeinginandbeyondits signforlife.The becoming-seed ofwildseedarethewaysinwhichthe wildrefusestheunleashed,uncultivatedpotentialitiesofuninterrupted flows:thewildbeinginandbeyonditssignofdomestication.Ipropose thisarrangementtounderminethepotentialfor the eco-fascist assemblage ofwildseed,theoverwhelmingsmoothingoutofitsconfigurationthat destroys.ThewildseedIproposeistheanti-fascistform, the regenerative assemblage ofwildseedasa relational, reciprocal,and unruly arrangement thatrefusesthedestructionofEarth.

Fromthisconception,wildseedsareforcesofhereticalworldings.Wild seedisanti-fascistpraxis.Thisproposalre-writeswildseedasaforcefor lifeinitscomplexity.Thisconceptiongroundsmywritingtore-think howIcometounderstandtheworldandmyrelationtoit,asIsearchfor newlinesofcreativedesire.Whatfollowsarewildseedsforthought. Theyarewordsasgesturestowardtheirpotentialrealization.

Refusing the Coloniality of Mestizaje

Theworldweareentangledwithisaracial/colonialworld.

Itisonethatcreatesadiscourse,anideology,andaculturefoundedon the material realities of the racial/colonial relation of power and domination.

Thenational/culturalidentityforgedinthelogic,knowledge,and mysticalauraintheprocessesofmestizajeisthematrixofontologiesthat distortbelongingwithracialandculturalmixturesofthebody.

Iamleft,inmyongoinginvestigationsofbeinginthecontextofNorth America,andspecifictothehistoryofMéxico,withthefollowing questions:Howdowepracticealifebeyondtheentrapmentsofnew binariesinourneo-modernistdesiretoreturntorigid,isolated,and atomizedlocalisttheoryofourbodies?Howdowedoawaywiththe languageofconnection,dis-connection,re-connecting,toturntonew languagesthatattempttore-thinkthelogicofracismorracialismwith configurationsofindigeneitythatislessatheoryofidentitybuta concepttounderstandacolonialrelation?Whatformsoflifearepossible whenwegrazeagainsttheontologizingoftheIndianandmestizoasthe pre-conceptualbodytolocatetheIndigenouscollectivity?Whatisthe politicsoffeelinginthiscontextofamestizajethatmodernizesthe alreadydisfigured?

Naming the Impossible

Themethod(s)ofnamingorofnamesisacontentioussiteofinquiry. Forme,namesandnamingedgetheimpossibilityofknowledge,other thanlivedexperienceasaformofknowingfromthebody,mind,and emotions perhapsJacquesDerrida(Franco-Algerianphilosopher)was correcttoinsistonnamingasanactofviolence.Forwhatisnamingif nottheimpositionofanameonanobjectorofapotentialsubject?I wonderabouttheEurocentricityofthisclaim,andhowitmovesagainst therealitiesofhumanculturesandpeopleswhoareofandwiththe Earth,notontologicallyseparatedfromit.Whatthenhasnamesand naminghavetodowithontology,ofbeing?Whatdoesitmeantoname theimpossible?Whatassumptionsarebeingmade?Namesindexas muchastheymisdirect.

IwantustothinkhereofJennieM.Luna’sdescriptivestatementof callingforth—atthe2018NationalAssociationforChicanaandChicano Studiesconference Chicanxs/Xicanxsasbeingthefirstpeopleafter EuropeanconquestandcolonialismtonamethemselvesinLasAméricas.

Thisproclamationisatruthclaimwithhistoricalresonance,asher theoryofnamesandnamingsgroundshowweunderstandtheselfnamingofapeople,anenchantmentwithnamesasthepotentialofan oppositionalforceoranenergyoftransformation.

IwantustogroundLuna’sontologyofnamesbythinkingthrough whatisLaChicanada/LaXicanada.Itisanamingofsocialorganization, butnotwithouttheperformanceofthename.Luna’sself-namingas Xicana,inhermultiplicity,proposes the protean being of her existence.In thisway,thenameisthatwhichenunciatesadesire,afeeling,anactof affirmationofa being-with-the-world,andthepotentialityof becomingwith-transformation.Ratherthanlinguisticviolenceupontheworldof difference,namesandnamingisapraxisofself-creation,ofnamingthe webofrelationsoneisentangledwith.

Namingtheimpossibleis an act and experience ofrefusingthedesireof thetotalizingprojectofknowledge.Thisistheproposalandapartial oneatthat.

Flesh, Bodies, Existence

Iasktwospeculativequestions:(1)Howdowethinkofthefleshinthe matrix of coloniality?(2)Howdowethinkofthefleshintheprocessesof regeneration and existence?Iwanttobrackethereasaphenomenological movida the ways Maurice Merleau-Ponty, Hortense Spillers, and AlexanderG.Weheliyeconceptualizeandoperationalize the flesh. For manyinBlackStudies,existentialphenomenology,queerwomenof colortheory,andChicanafeministthought,thefleshhascaptivatedthe modalityofinquirythatsearchesformeaningbeneaththeskinand configuredbeyondit.Iwanttodrawusforamomenttothefollowing descriptivestatementbyXicanalesbianandthirdworldfeministCherríe Moragain1981intheprovocationof This Bridge Called My Back:

“Atheoryinthefleshmeansonewherethephysicalrealitiesofourlives —ourskincolor,thelandorconcretewegrewupon,oursexual longings allfusetocreateapoliticbornoutofnecessity”(pg.23, emphasismine).

This radical queer women of color theoryofexistenceandoppositional yearningforthecoalitionisafusionanimatingthepossibilityfor emancipatoryhorizons.Moraga’sperceptivedesirefora“theoryinthe flesh”iscoupledwithanarchistwriterEmmaGoldman’sdeclarationof “enteringthelivesofothers”tothinkofthefleshlyexistenceasaportal tothelifeoftheother.Thefleshhereislessthezero-degreeofour corporealitybutavestibuleofrawmaterial.ThefleshforMoragaisthe sensiblephysicalityofskin,land,concrete,body,andpleasure.The “theory”inthisfleshistherealityofnecessity:tocreateapoliticthat embodiesanexistenceofnotonlyoppositionbutofbridgesinour contradictions.HowthenmightMoraga’stheoryinthefleshre-think ourentangledworldsofflesh,bodies,andexistencethatprovokesusinto visceraless,disembodied,andnon-existentstatesofbeing?Iamattentive tothewaysthespectacularviolencesofstate,capital,andpatriarchy provokewhatthewriterCristinaRiveraGarzahasassertedasahorror againstthehumancondition—drawinguponthegeographiesofMéxico asthesiteofnecropolitics.Adesireforthecoalitiondespitedifference, but with difference asagenerativetension,then,strugglesforanenfleshed being alife,anexistence,abody.

Iwanttomovewithinthisfleshyregistertoreadthesignsofthecodex thatisthebody.IwanttogroundusinaMoragiangesturetothinkof thefleshinacontextofcoloniality wherebodiesencountereachother, readandmisreadtheirsignstocreateagonisticrelationsorplayfulness, tousethedecolonialfeministphilosopherMaríaLugones’terms.A materialistreadingofthefleshcreatestheconditionsforapotential imageoftheoppositionalbodyofqueerexistence.Thematerialityofthe fleshhereisadesireforanewlanguage,tosparknewimaginationsof thebody.Thepraxis aqueerXicanafeministdesire isforgingthis terrainofbodiesandsigns.Anaspectofthevulnerablebody,withits passagesoftheflesh,thatIaminterestedinisinthefollowinginquiry: Howmightwejoinatheoryinthefleshwithatheoryofthemachine?

I think here of an unfinished reading of Deleuze and Guattari’s Capitalism and Schizophrenia: Anti-Oedipus thatwasadescriptionofthe desiring-machine:thatmachinewhicheats,shits,fucks.Thedesiringmachinewasconcernedwith couplings (uncoupling,de-coupling)with partialobjects.Onemightthinkhereoftheflesh,thebody,andour

existenceasmattermadeintoaspecificformthatwiresintoadesiringmachine.WhymightthislinkwiththeMoragianpoliticsofthebody consider the deleuzoguattarian desiring-machine? For me, this has everythingtodowithatheoryof becoming.ForDeleuzeandGuattari, the becomings theyareinterestedinwerefascinating,ifnotaprovocative way to understand the process, flows, and interconnection. The immediacyandinterrelationofaMoragiantheoryinthefleshisa politicsofperceptionandconsciousness,andIwouldgestureatheoryof adesiring-machinefromaqueerXicanafeministperspective.Theflesh ismademachine,themachineismadeflesh.ThepotentialofDeleuze and Guattari is the limit of their Western European philosophy attemptingtobridgeoutsideofitself.Wemustthenthinkoftheflesh,if linkedwiththemachine,beyondthecolonialityofknowledge.

Whatwemightidentifyhereinthistensionis the coloniality of becoming astherigidanddualisticontologicalprisonthatmaps,coordinates,and suffocatesthefleshintoanon-body.FortothinkinthespiritofMoraga istofeelnotwiththefleshalone,butwiththebody.

Toward a Theory of Subversive Creativity

Whatis creativity ifnottheproduction,invention,andassemblyofthe weird ortheunconventional?Thismightnotbeexactlythedefinitionof thecreativeinascientific,logicalway,butitisonethatIclaimto understandthewayshumanperceptionmightencounterthecreative. CreativityinitsnounusageisdefinedintheOxforddictionaryas “relatingtoorinvolvingtheimaginationororiginalideas,especiallyin theproductionofanartisticwork.”Merriam-Websterdictionarydefines itas“theabilitytocreate.”TheBritannicadictionarydefinesitas“the abilitytomakeorotherwisebringintoexistencesomethingnew, whetheranewsolutiontoaproblem,anewmethodordevice,oranew artisticobjectorform.”InthesestandarddefinitionsintheEnglishspeakingworld,thewordcreativitygesturestothewayspsychology, awareness,intentionality,andthematerialshapingofobjectsorideasare linkedtoanewinsightorexistence:themanipulationofideasormatter tocreatenewintheworld.Howdowegesturetoa subversive theoryof creativedesire?Inwhatwaysmightatheoryofsubversivecreativity forgenewformsofworld-making?

ERRATA

AN EPHEMERAL LETTER TO CROSSINGS AND FRIENDSHIPS

7July2022

Iheldontightly,anxiousasalways.Ifelttheoverwhelmingpanicinmy body,controllingmybreathingasmuchasIcould,calmingmyracing mind.Thiswasmyfirsttimeflyingalonenearstrangers,whileKarlawas severalrowsinfrontofme.Idistractedmyselfwithreadingonmy laptop, writing for this zine, writing for an extended dissertation proposalabstract,andidlylisteningtoKendrickLamar’srecentalbum Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers, amid other albums and playlists. I occasionallyremovedmyblackDodger’shattocoolmynerves,the pressureofmysnapbackmakingitworsesomehow.Myfearofflying wasmostlyduetoheightsandnotfeelinglikeIwassecure.Iclosemy eyesandremindmyselfthatIamokay.KarlaandIhadmetatfiveinthe morningatLAXtoflytoChicago.Maritzahaddroppedmeoffand cried—we’veneverbeenapartforsolong.Iwastired,yetexcitement boiledinmybelly.

Wearethe2019cohortintheDepartmentofChicanaandChicano StudiesatUCSantaBarbaraforthePh.D.program.Webothappliedfor andreceivedaprestigiousawardcalledtheCrossingLatinidadesMellon Fellowshipandanaspectofthisawardwasattendingasummerinstitute forLatinxhumanitiesresearchmethods.KarlawasasanxiousasIwas, butwebothgotthroughthisfour-hourflightandarrivedattheO’Hare airportatoneintheafternoon.TheChicagoskylinewasbeautiful despiteeverythingugly:nationalsurgesofCOVID-19variants,white supremacistviolence,thecrisisattheSpain/Moroccoborder,thedecline ofU.S.empire,etc.

Theridesharetoouruniversityapartmentcomplexshowedusthe spectacleofthecityfromtheMidwesterngeographiesoftheUnited States.MyfirsttimeinChicago,Ifeltafamiliaritywiththecity,an intenseintimacywiththenearbycommunityofPilsen,andafeeling that I was—in the complexity of traveling—home. The towers of ChicagoremindedmeofLosAngeles,yettherewassomethingaboutit thatfeltsodifferent.

Theredbrick,theGreektown,thedeepdishpizza,thepresenceofloud corridos and hip-hop bumping from nice cars and lowriding motorcycles;Ifeltasamenessinthisdifference,afamiliaritythatlosesits grasponcomparison.Weenteredanewworld,beautifulandugly, humidandraining,wherethesoundsofthecitydidnotceaseinthe darkofnight IfeltoddlyathomeinChicago.

LatinxStudiesandthestudyofLatinidadesconvergedinthehallsofthe UniversityofIllinois,Chicago(UIC).Manyofustravelednearandfar toattendthisinstitutetosparkdialogueandlearningwithprominent scholarsresearchinginthesedebates.Andonedidn’thavetolookfarto knowhowdiverseweallwereintermsofresearchinterestsandour academicbackgrounds.Ifindmyselfmoreinterestedindescribingthe friendsmadehere:aspacewherelike-mindsmeetandencountereach other,asmuchasIdothosewelistenedtoandtooknotesfrom.So, whileLatinxStudiesiswhatbroughtustogether looselyasitwasfor manyofus—wegeneratedintellectualandaffectionaterelationshipsasa practiceofcare.Inthecruxoftheory,method,literature,andexposure tonewwaysofthinking,wefoundeachother’sthoughtsandlivesjust asinfluential.Iatleastwillmakethisclaim,anditismyhopethatthose friends,newandold,maybefeltthesame.UICbecameforatemporal momentagatheringoftheUnitedStatesmostbrilliantscholarsbeing trainedinhistory,politicalscience,anthropology,education,arthistory, LatinAmericanstudies,Chicana/o/xstudies,andmanymorefieldsof study.Acommunitywasmadehere,asimaginedandreal.

IspentmytimelisteningtoMexicansadboimusic:bythelikesofLos AngelesNegros,KevinKaarl,CarlaMorrison,LunaLuna,AmbarLucid, LosRetros,TheMarías,etc.OnoccasionIsurprisedmyselfwith listeningtoTrashMetalplaylistsandBadBunny.Theblendofsad sounds and the happy chatter of friends mixed an alchemy the compañeraDianawouldcall#negativevibes.Ofcourse,thecompas Gustavo and Natalia were attending from the University of New México.Asuitemate,Aldo,wasasocialpsychologistfromOrange County,aChilangooriginallyfromCiudaddeMéxico.Thefriends studyingandtrainingfortheirdoctoraldegreeinBorderlandsHistoryat theUniversityofTexasatElPasowereapleasureintheflesh.Aqueer

transfronteriza,Diana,fromJuárezwhoconstantlymademelaughanda Chicana-mexicana, Jessica, from Escondido, California who sent hilariousmemesandhadfunvibes;bothagentlereminderthatlifeis erotic,andlifeisanarrangementofnewmathematics.Myencounters thesenewpeopleaffirmedthatwemeetourpeopleinthemostrandom andunexpectedplaces,butwefindeachother.Ourtravelsaround Chicagogesturedtowardnewhorizonsofpossibilitieswherethebody touchesthesurfaceofnewrails,wherethemindmeetstheexperienceof theborder,wheretheemotionsfeeltheanxiouspleasuresoflearning fromtheothertomakefriends.

Thelimbo orborderlands ofstudy,joy,andsad/lovemusicheldme together.Asdidthesenewfriendswhowereabundantintheirjokes, attentiveintheirlistening,andwillingtoextendloveinaspacewhere competitionthrives.

Unfortunately,Itaskedmyselftofinishthisreflectiononcrossingsand friendshipsduringthetimeoftheinstitutestillinChicago.Iwritethis laststretchofwritingonaplanebacktoLosAngeles,whereIwill reunitewithMaritza.Amidstturbulence,Itypewithaneagernesstonot forgetthefeelingsgeneratedandsharedwiththeAries,theScorpio,the Aquarius,theGemini(comadre),theLeo(compadre),theSagittarius.I writewiththememoriesofourencounter.Ihopeforatimewhenwe mightseeeachother’ssmilesagain.

Hotairmixedwithwater, Smogejectedbyautomobile, Trainsrunninginloops, Muralsscatteredondisappearing Communities,chippedaway, Brownkidsonbikes,skateboards. Blackfolkslivingagainst Thegrainofnewenclosures.

TheeclecticPuertorriqueño, IsspeakingtheIsland’stongue, AmixofSpanishdroopingfrom Thearchipelagoinresistance,

Reachingforvowelsandinviting Laughter.Hisqueerthought, Theoryanddiscourse

Drawsusintotheworldof Translocasandrebels. Hebridgesworldswithaloving Cadence,thatwebelonghere DespitetheInstitution’smargin.

Wedon’tforgettheGramscian Chicano-Mexicanowhosaid: “Embracethecontradiction Youareallintellectuals.”

HisflareofSpanglish

Slippinginandout, Aninvitationforustoremember

Thatourtonguesaremultiple

Whereourbodiesmeetthe

Dialecticsofbordersandmobility

Whereateachingpracticeshowsboth Theuglyandthebeautiful.

Howwouldweunderstandsuch Processeswithoutananalyticsof Migration?HowaPuertorriqueña

Demonstratesthelongandarduous Entanglementsofmovementandchange, Shapedbythemultiplevectorsof Oppression.Howsheshowedusthe Lightofpossibilityinourwork, Whatnewlinesofintellectualstruggle

Couldbemade.

AndwhenwefoundourselvesinPilsen Welistenedtotheresistanceofmemory, Intheburgeoningsoundsofelders Buildings,andspacesofhope,

AMexican-Americanethnomusicologist

Spinninghissoundsofthecity

Wheretheworldspillsoutoftheabyss

Andhetellsushow.Intimate.

Generous.Rhythmsofhumanlife.

Pilsenpersistedinthesoundsoflost

Soccerfieldsandcommunitycultural CenterscalledAztlán.

Amemory.Asoundofgrief.

Withthisrawmaterialofnewemotion

Weattemptedtoformarasquachismo

OfaChicanafeministsensibility, Inthemeetingofavisualculture

Intotheventureinourmethodology

FromthetoughloveofaChicana

Whochallengedustothinkdeeper

Andtobindourcommitmentsintothe FertileEarth.Rememberingourselves, Aswefelttheloveofanartpractice

Inthethroesoftheworld.

Iburnwithanewfiretosee, Cunningwithabordermath, Thepossiblefuturewherewe Conjureanewcalculusoffreedom, Whereliberationisnotdescription, Whereliberationisinourheart, Whereapoliticsoflistening

Meansadifficultapplicationof Methods…madebyusforus.

CrossingLatinidades

Meantmorethan

AnewLatinxpolitics, Becausewecrossedbeyond Culture,people,andlanguage,

Wecrossedeachother’sworlds Andsharedtheirlove. Itmeanttheworldtomeinour Intimategeographiesoftheself Together.

IlookbacktoChicagoandseeaspirit.Iseethespiritofadesiretomake connections, couplings, and relationships to think through not a comparison but perhaps juxtaposition. The crossings we made are assemblageswaitingtomaketheirmoves.Imadefriendships,hardas theywere,inthewaysIknewhow:theimmediatereactiontransformed intoathoughtfulresponse.Maybethismakesmetoomuchofa Capricorn,butIwasnotwronginstickingtothosewhofedmysoul, andIhopeIfedtheirs.

Iwritethislettertothe #bordermath squad.

Hereisaplaylistcuratedfromthisexperience:

white mountain rabbit

Written in Chicago, Illinois. Edited, extended, and revised in Santa Barbara, Califas.

PINCERS, STINGERS, and EXOSKELETONS

Iwasbirthedwithoutbone, seizeduponbyexoskeleton

Iengorgedmyopenbodywiththepoisonofdeath

Ibecameneithergamenorprey, embracedinthethreshold

Iwieldedthecapacityforthehunt,theecologyoftime

IcrawledacrosstheinhospitableEarthoferuptivedreams

Ifacedthewisdomofanenergycalledterritoryandlife

Ipinchedmyenemies,andIdevouredtheirsustenance

Icrossedthehereticalworldsofwater, fire, andwinds

Itendedtothemysticismofthedesert, therealofexistence

Iamtheterrorofparalysis, andtheexcessofanxiety

Ibearthemarksofpleasurewiththeantidoteforjoy

IexperienceapprehensionfromChristiansoldiers

Iwitnessthevenerationofmyfluorescentbeing

Iwillexercisethepotentialofmyownself-consciousness

AndwhenIperish, Exhumemyphilosophyoflandinmydecayingorgans.

THE MOUNTAIN for Kristian

Ireachdowntomypubicsurface

Ajungleofsorts

Withcurlyhairandwildmemory

OnlytodiscoverIcan’tfindthescar

Myfingerssearchforthetenderwound

Closedfortwentyyears

Andfinditonmyhip

Stretchedawayfromtheorigin

Atravelingmemorywithedgesoftissue

Iwonderofitstravelanditsjourney

Themountainonmyhip

Ontheright

Anincisionmade

Todislodgeandfixahernia

Ofasmallerboywho

Playedwithhisbody

Atinycreaturewondering

Whymygutsspilledout

Protrudingagainstthelining

Ofabaresurface

Neitherpenisnortesticle

Anintestinebulgingagainsttheskin

Fromtheinsidemybelly

Thebodybeforeme

Amapofmemory

Towherethehauntingsleavemarks

Towheremyforgetting

Doesnotnoticechange

Myskinisacanvasgrowing Stretchingmemory

TillIfinditinanunexpectedplace

Noorigin,onlyitstravel

Thistinymountaincuttingacrossmyhip

Atectonicfusiontosuturemypain

Irememberyou,gutspillingout Iseeyoulovedintherightplace

Cosmic Figure of a Valley of Mountains.Aninfraredimagetakenfrom NASA'sJamesWebbSpaceTelescopewasreleasedinthemonthofJuly 2022.Hereiswhatisreferredtoasthecosmicmountainsandvalleysof the"youngstar-forming"regioncalledNGC3324intheCarinaNebula ofourshareduniverse.Thescarsonmyskinreflectthecosmosofbeauty, orhowIcometoknowthisfeelingdeepinmyflesh,madeofstardustand Earthlymatterbornfromlife.

LA CAMINANTE

...anexperimentalseriesoffragments,vignettes,poems,andscenes...

Butter

Momisshowingmehowtocookwithbutter.Shecutsopenina piercingmotionthehard-shelledspaghettisquash,demonstratinghow twohalvesfacetheworld.Shescoopsoutthetenderfleshofthehalves— theloosesilkholdingontoseeds.Momputsfleshandseedintoabowl perhapsshetossesit,ormaybesheplantsthem.Sheplacesthetwohalves intotheovenonhighheattoloosenupthemeatysquash.Afterhalfan hoursheusesaforktoseparatethestring-likepastaandplacestheseinto abowel.Sheaddsbutterwithsaltintoapanandcooksthesetogether,a recipethatinitssimplicitysmellssweetandofpopcorn—asquashwith somuchtoofferourbodies.

Life kills you. Orsotheysay.Iwantedthemtotakeitupanotch. Life erases you Therewego.Somethingreal.There’ssomethingmysterious wakingupatdawn.Ican’tputmyfingeronit.Ohwell.Beingerasedis bigtimeifwecomebacktothematterathand—thebrainisfoggyat thismoment.Howmanyofusforgetthefaceswesee?Thebodiesthat gounnoticed?Forgetaboutit,weerasetheeventofourlivesevery wakingday.

ThefirstthingIwanttorememberonthisachydayiswhereIwaslast night.Myheadhurts,hence,mydetoursofexistentialmusings.I’m probablycrudofromagoodtime,butthere’saminorbumpontheback ofmyhead,nowthat’ssomethingnew.Ismelllikecheapliquor,sweet asthoughIdrankanMD20/20.Ican’tconfirm.Myshowerbringsa senseofclarityasIblownotblackasmold.Smokinginvolved.Sooner orlater,Iseemybodyinasmallroom,withvioletwalls,ahazyaura, anddancingpeople,anditfeelstoospontaneous.Istruggletoseethe posseIcamewith,lostintheseaofundifferentiatedbodies.

The Portrait of the Sinner at Dawn

EatingahotMexicanbreakfasthelpstonurturemysoulandmy memory.Ire-focus.Ratherthanviolet,Iseeadarkredandone window. The couches, the TV, the kitchen, and the awkward arrangementoffurnituresuggestanapartment,probablyacollege apartment.

Theyoungpeoplesurroundingmedon’tconfuseme.Weareata collegeparty.Okay,nowIammovingandtheblurredacesinfrontof mearethehomies.Shit.RaulisholdingablueMDinhishands. Fuckingguy.Heprobablyletmehaveaswig.Themusicmustbegood becauseIammovingmyheadtothebeat.I’mmovingabittoofast now.Fuck.Ifellbackwardandhitthatgirlonherheadwithmyhead. Shit.LookslikeI’msayingsorry.She’sokay.Fuck.Wemoveonfromit. Thehomiesareroastingme.I’mdrunkasfuck,can’tfuck,overfucked withalcohol.Howthefuckdidwegethere?

Husks, Masa, y Tamales

It'swintertimeinSouthGateandtheeveninglightisdescendingona longday.TíaRoRoismakingtamales,somewithchicken,somewith rajasyqueso.Myquestionsaboutmylateabuelitapromptsherto rememberarecipepasseddownbyhertía atamalmadeofblackbeans, chilesnegros,andqueso.Wesoakthehusksinhotwaterandattendto thesalsa,ablendofbeanswithchilesnegros.Whilethebeansarebeing softenedinboilingwater,Ihelpde-seedthechiles.Onceeverythingis prepared,weopenthehuskstoaddmass,queso,andthenthebean-chile concoction. We take several minutes in this motion of opening, spreading,closing,andwrapping.Thesofthusksareprotectingnew mergingofseedsofcorn,bean,andthefleshofchile.

Seed

Hercornprayerfoldsintoherskirt,andshestrugglestobreathe.She standstallandtinyheldtogetherbytheleavesofdriedmazorcas.Her prayerspeaksalanguageunspoken,silentlikecornonthestalkbut vibrantlikecornonthemetate.Theseedisaprayerforlifetoendure sheholdsontothismemoryinherdeathinnewlife.

Idon’tknowwhatitmeanstowrite.Scribbledownwords,sentences, andparagraphs worriedthatIwillmakeanerror.Ifitisn’tgrammar,it istheemotion.Icutthroughthemindtotrytosearchforanother openinginmybody,asenseofemotiontounleashmyword.Idon’t knowwhatitmeanstowritebecausethey,academia,trainmetobe static,formulaic,andboring.Howdoesthewordbouncearoundand disturboursenses?Howdosentencescreateart?Anzaldúacallsontous towritefromtheparticular,tomarkdownwhatthebodyfeelsin relationtoourworld.

Iworrythatmyetchingsofpencilimpressionswillnevermovethe other.ThatIhavenothingtosay.Yet,Anzaldúadesiresustoexplode thetrivial,toexceedthespectacularwiththemundane.Therealdanger issupposingtheuniversalandofthinkingthatourwordwillaffect humanneeds.Iamcalledorfeelcalledtothinkofwritingasanendless relationshiptotheselfandtheworldaroundme.Howtheparagraph vibrateswithanxietiestoo.Howthejournalthatholdstheweightofink andgraphitecarriesmomentsofexpressiondeepandprofound.IthinkI knowthatwritingmeansconfrontingtheagonyandpleasure awound insearchofgesticulation.

WhatIfeelwhenwritingisthedeepdespairthatIwriteintothevoid. ThatiswhenImakethewordpublicandentertheworldofjudgment. WhoamItoutterathought?Toconnectwiththeordinary?Ifindjoy inthissometimes,thoughIammostafraid.Howdoesmysilencemake theloudnoiseofbullshitlouder?Iwritethesewords,lookingforprayer, feelingdesirebubbleupinmygut.Ifeelthe weird catharsis ofexploding onthepage,withoutreasonnordirection,astream-of-consciousnessof ordinarylife.

Bones

Thesmallshellofthespaghettisquashfeelshardandsmoothlikebone yetitssofttextureconfusesyouasthemoisturefromyourfingertipsreshapesitshardness.Itlooksboneincolor,itssurfaceisbeigemixedwith

white,itsfleshliketheskinofahuman.Whenrubbedbymyfingersit makesafunnysound.

Mom, and Him

For my mother, who is healing with Christianity

Sinpalabra…Istandatthedoorwayofmyoldhomeshockedtowitness thefighting.I’mtiredofthis.Shesaiditwasthelasttime,forthefourth time.Iremindmylittlebrotheritwillallpass,thatthescreams,the banging,theloudnessofthestrugglewillceasesoon.Weshuffleback intoourroom,andIturnoffthelights.Sinpalabra,itechoesinmy bodyaswordsescapeme—theseabusesonmymother’spsyche,her emotions,herbody.Ihavetroublecrying,wanting,andneedingtobe strongformybrother.Iseemybrothermovingaroundinbedcovering hisears.He’stiredtoo.Momhasbeenfightingthatmanforfartoolong. Wesleepabitintothenight,withoutwords,onlyasharedsenseitwill pass itmustforoursanity.

TheirswasabloodweddinghauntingmypsycheasIwatchmommarry amanIknewdidnotloveher.Bloodbecauseitwasholyandcelebrated asadivineunion hersecondmarriage.Bloodbecauseitwasviolent.I strugglewiththefactthatnoneofthisisnormal:thedisappearing,the methaddiction,andtheviolentburstsofragefromthisoneman.Hehad his demonios,yetmygrandmothernevercalledhimpossessedlikemy father.WasitbecausemyfatherwasabrownMexicanandhewasa güeroSalvi?Istruggletoknowwhatenchantedmymother—this womanwhoabandonedherchildren’semotionsandsafetyforan aggressiveconstructionworkerwithnojobafterhisinjury.

Iflookscouldkill,perhapsthiswasonethattrappedmymother.But momalwaysstressedthesoul,thecharacter,andthedeedsoftheother. Howdidshefailherowntestforapartner?Herdivorcefrommyfather wasalongprocessofwantingout.Andnowwe herchildren wanted out.Iwantedout.Wewaketoanewyellingandloudwhispersof“ya basta,Vitalino,duermate.”Hecommenceshisparanoidaccusations,his insecurequestioning,andhisloudstammeringovermyexhausted mother.

Strangefruitlivesinthishouse,hanginglowtotheserpentsthatwefear asCatholics.Whydidmymotherchoosesuchrottenfruit?Mybrother inhisfrustrationgetsup,grabsabatweplayedbaseballwith(metaland heavy),andbargesoutintothehallwayyellingatthemtoshutup.He’s hadenough.IcatchaglimpseofthesceneasIgotogethim.My motherisintearsandthemanstandingrealizeshispendejadas.Though, hewasn’tassmart.Hecontinuestousethismomentagainstmymother, andIyellout,“NO!It’sYOU!”Hewalksoutofthehouseandwe consolemymom,weepingandapologizing.Iwanttogoout,too.Out ofhere.Somewhereotherthanhere.

Re-Visions

Ihavenotheoryhere,onlytosay: Ourpathsarewritteninblood. Ourroadsaremadeofdirt. Ourbodiesarecutwithobsidian.

Hewasbornfromfire.

ThesentimentalbirthofaMexicanboy, Whowitnessedhisdisaffectedparents’mortalcombat. Hiswalkwasanexplosionoftheheart, Anopenvoidintoanothingness, GeneratingthecreationofaXicanopsyche, Rootedinfriendshipandnewformsoflove, Inthecrucibleoffamilydespair.

Hislovewasthosemisfitrebelswhodreamedbig, Forgingvisionsofatogethernessthatdefied Ourbrokenness,ourirreparablebeing.

Hisvisionwastosharethecrossroadsofdesire, Toopenhishearttotheworldoflove, Tohisfriendships, Aprayerforlascaminantes, ThosewhomaketheoryofTarot, Astrology,DanzaAzteca, HistoriesofGuerrero,

PhilosophiesoftheContinental, PlacesofLife,Xicanacimiento, Friendshipswhobindwithlove, Alongcosmicjourneyforreturn.

A Prayer from the Fleshy Earth.Photoimageofqueer Xicana/SalvadoreñaartistGildaPosada'sinstallationoflatierra madreattheexhibitioncalled Tlali Nantli: Conexiones Con La Tierra,hostedatElCentroCulturaldeLaRazainSanDiego, CaliforniainJuneof2022.

for Cherríe

I. My Body is a Sacred Illumination

Shewhisperedinmydreamsthestoryoffilth

Carvedandmanipulatedonmyglowingflesh

Splittingmeinhalf,tearingmeapart—inspirit

Placingmybodyontheconsecratedground

Blessedbypriests,mystics,andhoodedsages

Theyspoketheancienttongueofcactusanddesert

Intheirmortarandpestle,theyspellboundmyimage

Shriekingprayerstothedirt-eater,thepurificationrite

Iheardtheoldtonguefromthenorthmeetthesouth

Mynosewascloggedbyshitandbloodypus—anaroma

Theeternalsilenceofmyrebirthignitednoise

Firesinthecuspofmygutopenedthevoid

Ienteredtheportalofacrossway,holdingnerves

Icalledmyspiritfromtheetherofnothingness

…andwasawakenedasadancerofmountains

II. The Land Belongs to the Land

Laniñadelatierraconsumedmyorgans

Anexodusoffleshcalledregeneration

Ireturnedtothelandwithoutegoandbody

Openwasshewhoembracedmymatter

Openwashewhotoldmystoryofflesh

Deepinthegeologyofwillandsoul

Closedwastheywhoforsworemypsyche

Closedwastheywhorenderedmetoash

Mybreathingorgansuffocatedbytheeye

Thejudgmentofressentimentintheheart

Formybodywasanabominationtotheterritory

Formyskinwasanobscenityofoceanstraversed

Formyexistencewasapathofacrescentmoon

Laniñadelatierraconsumedmymarrow

Anexodusoftissuecalledrevindication

Thisismylitanyofbonesandsinew

Thisismylitanyofcosmicorigin

Thisismylitanyofbecomingland,again

III. Conocimiento

ThewoundoftheheartisnotburiedinAztlán

Thewoundoftheheartisburiedinburnedcodices

Foritiscarriedinthehandsoflostpeople

Foritiseatenbythesacrificeofcrossingdeath

Thestorytellingofaroutetothelandofsanguinity

The I ofmyfleshavesselofdesconocimiento

Achronicleofsurvivingthetragedyofreturn

Der Mensch kann tun was er will; er kann aber nicht wollen was er will.

-Arthur Schopenhauer-

WELDERS and MYSTICS

Mongrel is the name that holds all the animal I am.

CherríeMoraga

Igazedintotheabyssandbecameamonster

Dirty,sacrilegious,profane,andbeautiful

Irejoicedinthismagnificentflesh

Forcingthebloodandalchemyofencounter

Istudiedtheheartofmydesire

Ugly,unworldly,divine,andmadeofrock

Iprayedtothefireofthishorrorcalledbeing

Flowingwithheat,power,andsacreddeath

Mybodyisashrineoftheunintelligible

Thisworldofwillanddestiny

Igazedintotheabyssandbecameamonster

I,beingmadethealtarofabsolution

Theritualofescape,aceremonyofcatastrophe

Ifelttheintuitiveinthedarknessofknowledge

Isensedthecosmicinatheoryofwelders

Iwasheldtogetherwithrope,clay,androck

Theyprayedtothewindstodestroyme

I,beingmadethecruxoftheircosmology

Spillingontothesoilofthepeople’sland

Thislandmadeintolanguageandterritory

Thislandmadeintoatempleandcelestialbeing

ThisEarthofdreamsandstruggle

Igazedintotheabyssandbecameamonster

Theytoldittomeinthestoriesforthechildren

Ibecametheamalgamofworldsrippedapart

Thetempleofmybodybecomingtheterrorofimages

Iwasbornnotthroughprayernorfirefordivination

Iwasthecommodityoffilthandhumanity

AndindeathwouldIreturntothesacred

AndindeathwouldIreturntomypeople

Forinlife,Iwouldbethetragicbodyofsalvation

Forinlife,Iwouldbethemonsterofthenon-present

Iwasbornnotthroughprayerbutwithgrief

Thiscosmosoflinguisticformandembodiment

Igazedintotheabyssandbecameamonster

Andofmonsters,Ibecametheabyss

Thisenergyofnothingnessintolife

It’s not enough opening once. Again you must plunge your fingers into your navel, with your two hands rip open, drop out dead rats and cockroaches spring rain, young ears of corn. Turn the maze inside out. Shake it.

-Gloria E. Anzaldúa-

UN NOCHE DE SKA AN UNCONSCIOUS FRAGMENT OF UNRULINESS

Thehomiesarecarrying40ozbottlesofColt45andthenightisyoung. Wearrivedabitlatetothebackyardskagigandthenoztankswere screechingacrossthesky.Thespaceispackedwithyouth,agatheringof hedonistictravelersrootedinthesoutheastandSouthCentralscenesof LosAngeles,springinguplikerhizomessearchingfornewlinesof flight.Thesightisn’tlostinthewaysthequeer,thedirty,thepunk, dress,withbrowningblackcottonandhairinvibrantopaquecolors. Thelitterofglass,aluminum,andcigarettebuttsabound—withcheap beerandtopshelfmotamymainsourceofintoxication,butneverdidI inhaleaballoon:thatshitburnedholesinthesynapsesofthecerebrum (orsoIassume).OnethingIwanteddespitemyblack-outtendencies withalcoholwastokeepmybraincellsintact,acontradictionI frequentlymadedespitemyowncommonsense.Thehomiesfinda placetohuddleandformourusualcircletochitchatandcheckoutthe localtalentofbandsacrossLosAngeles.Atsomepointyougetsodrunk andcross-fadedthatyoudon’trecognizethecrowdorthedirectionof theparty mybodystruggledwithcomprehendingthenihilismofthese encounters,theirflowfornotomorrow:apunk,ska,andmetalmachine thatswipesyouoffyourfeetandspitsyououtfromthevortexof alienatedyouth.Though,thepleasureofdrugsandalcoholamongthe outcastsofourintimategeographyofLosAngelesstoodasthemeasure ofourcollectiveanguishsearchingforcatharsis.Wedemandareleasein asenseofbeingtogetherindespair.Asthesoundsandsonicwaves introducedhardcorebeatsandreggaerhythmsthehighbodynaturally assumesthemotionofthepit,skankingtothecurrentsofaneternal return.Weconjurethehazeofsmokeanddirtasourfeetkickupthe earthandfireexhalesfromlungs.Wecastaspellofcollectivepleasure,a rawintensityoffilthandlove.Theskankingpitisslow,passionate,and steadyuntilthepunkenergyofthebandunleashesthemoshofangry youththrowingpunchesandbruisingthebodyinaceremonyofrage.

Losatravesadosareatitagain:queeringthequeerwiththeirsoiled bodiesthatsmellliketobacco,dirt,andsweat,caressingeachotherin hateorthrowingpuncheswithlove.

Thesescenes—oldonesthatformpartofmymemory—imprintmy mind.Theyareatasteoftheundergroundthatlivesoninitsugly beautyasamotionofwhatdoesn’ttendtomakehistory—lodgedinthe crevicesofmynosecanalisthedirtoftheground,servingareminderof thearomaofsuciedad.Ifindmyselfwonderingandponderingthelove andhateoftheseplacesofencounter.Iamlostindescribingthe ephemeral,thelostandhiddenhistoriesofmyexperiencesasIreckon withmyblacked-outmemories.Howdoesonewritefromthebody withnomemoryofthemind?Iamheredressedinsucioaesthetics,with theclothesthatIhavewornsincehighschool.Iadornmyselfwitha captive ball septum piercing (stainless steel) that hangs from my Michoacanonoseandstitchpatchesofmyfavoritebandsontomyblack jeanshorts.Iwearablackhatthatsmellslikeearthwithaccompanying patchesthatread“Doom,”“LeftöverCrack,”and“Yacøpsæ.”Istandtall withthe40ozinonehandasImakegestureswithmyother.Iam nineteenyearsoldyearningfordesire enactingmymostsensible performancesofchildishhopelessness,tryingtoremembersomethingor anythingonlyseven/eightyearslater.

TheskagigsorshowsinLosAngelespullmanyscenestogether,an assemblageormachinewhosewaywardembodimentsdemonstratethe pasticheofinterminglingcultures.Onefindslong-standingcholosfrom the adjacent hood posted up, East L.A. Chicanos venturing into SoutheastL.A.,MacArthurParkcentroamericanasbustingamissionto thegig,DowneyMexicanAmericanswithcleanleatherjackets,brown skinheadswithtwelve-eyeDr.Martensandblackbomberjacketswith suspendersandawhite-tee,güerometaleroswithhairdowntotheir knees,andlet’snotforgetthepsychobillyassfooswiththeircleancuts andcuffedjeans;andtheusualskankerswithasimilarsharpaestheticare lostintheseaofbrownfaces,angrybodies,andtheenergyofRazaall togetherintherhythmsoftwo-toneorhardcore.Whetherit’samixof skaandpunk,RaskahueleandInspector,Viernes13andTheParanoias, youfindtheusualsuspectsofuncouthbodiessearchingforpleasure.Los Angelesskamusicisdistinct,anditssoundisasidiosyncraticasits crowd.Whereasmainstreamskamusicdiedordivedinthedeclinein theUnitedStates,theundergroundemergedtonotonlytransformthe textureofthemusicalityofskacompositionbutsotoothegeography

fromwhereitwasforged.Icrosstheseborderlandstosuggestan interchangeofculture aspaceofgenerositydespiteitsuglinessandits alivenessfornotomorrow.

Asthenecromancyofthelivingdeadhurlembodiedwisdomintothe sensationsofthepit,Ifindmyselftrenchanttowardtheedge,whereone encounters the punches, kicks, and thrown bodies moving counterclockwise amovementasoldastimeagainstthegrainof Westernclocks.Thedance(skanking)issubtleintheskaorskacore scene,withamixofdanceshappeningonthemarginsorinmovement withthethrashers.Theslownessofthearmsandlegswiththemotions ofthehipshowcaseadelicateyetconfidentstancethatrevsitselftothe speedofthebeat.Youholdyourbeerandplacealooseforearmonan adjacentbodytoholdyourweightup,dancinginplacetothesoundsof nihilistjoy.YouaresinginganddrinkingtoBlancoyNegro’s“don’t worry!behappy!”orLaInfinita’s“don’tletmedown!”togetherwiththe homies,inloveandenactinganinebriatederotics.Youwitnesstheband intheirplayfulperformanceandtheritualmotionsoftheskankpit.You feelthesensibilityofbeingwitnessed.too,forgedinthedirtofthe common,thebrownofthedirty.

Youdon’tandcan’timaginebeinganywhereelse.

Therearetoomanypeoplewhowanttotellthisstorythinkingthereis beautyontheotherside,thatwecanknowitfromdeclaringitso,that wecanseeitfromaboveanddefineitasresistance,atoolagainst oppression.Whattheyneglectintheirprose,theirpoem,theiressay,or theirarticleishowthemultitudeofthepunksisaforceofitsown withoutdirectionoraplanthattheyfindone.Whenoneisenchanted bythosewhostopped,thosewhoescaped,thosewhowenttouniversity, thosearethewritersIamsuspiciousof,wearytheymistakeitfor revolution. Fuck it, I’m one of them too, suspicious of my own observations,mystorytellingdesirestosaysomething,anythingabout mypastpunklifeasthoughIhadsomethingrealtosay.Ihavenothing buttheresidualemotionstattooedonthebodyandthepsychethat remembers,howevershittymymemoryuncoilsfromitsrepression.This essayisnotaboutskamusicbutmyfuckedwayofwantingtorelive thosemoments.

Whodoesn’tleanintolifelikethat?Deathbeingouronlytruth. Salvationbeingeachother.Ican’tthinkofatimewheretheembrace, thetouch,thesweat,andthesmellofdancingandthrashingtogetherin assemblagefeltsocollective,whereourbodiesmergeandbecomeone. There’sacurioustemptationaboutthecrowd,abouttheperformance, thatratherthanlookingontothestageorthebandplayingtheirsongs wearelookinginwardtothecircle,facingeachother,touchingeach other'ssweat,holdingourgroundasbodiesbash,tumble,andsmackus. IfearthatIamunabletoholdthisintheformofwriting,howitescapes meeveryothersentence.Howdoesoneknowandfeelfromthecircle pit,withthesweetsmellofmotablazing,withthepunksgettingdown skanking,andthecrashofbrokenbottlesbreaking?Howdoesonewrite meaninginthegesturesofanihilisticcongress—wheretheterrorsof work,school,police,family,andtheendlessrepetitionoftheweek impressontothebodyarejectionoftomorrow,ofbeingsopresentin themomentthatouregointheconfusionofafiresurgingfrombrown energiesmakesusfeelsogood?Inthisblacked-outmemory,Iam witness to these blurred faces, breaths of smoke and chemicals, underagedbingedrinking,andaforcewithnonameotherthanhome. Wecomeoutofourtrenchesofdisenchantedbarriostoassemblehome, howevertemporary,howevershattered,howeverdamagedwefeel— becausewefeeltogetherinthesoulofthepit.

Ihavenointentionofrememberingthesescenesfortheirownsake thereissomethingherethatmakesmetrembleandbringsmetomy kneesmourning.Butparalysisisnottheword,notevenclose.Ithinkit mightbethespacebetweenhopeandhopelessness.Ioffernoclarity.I strugglewithmakingsenseofit thishome withoutlosingmyselfin it,withoutreturningintotheabysswithanenlightenedlanguageofthe university.Ihavenointentionofcallingthismagic,orabeautiful gatheringofbrownfaces,autopianfeelingoforganizedcollectivity. Thosewhopersistinthedesolationofloomingcatastropheendurein thedivineruinsofthatcity.Thereisnothingmagicalaboutthis.We losethe“I”oftheselftoincarnatethe“we”ofthegathering.Butweare broken.Wearemarkedupbytheviolenceofthissociety,fulloftoo many-ismsandtheoriesthatdon’tfeedus.Weareinsearchofrepair butwearealsogoodatnotfindingit,avoidingitatallcosts.Thereisno

futurehere,andthepresentis“we.”Thisspontaneityhasnocorrect representation. It refuses to be represented. It rejects a political resolution,amedicalfix,aradicalpamphlet,anopenchurch.The rejectionofpoliticsistherefusaltoberight.Wesmoke,drink,andparty atthemarginstobeanerrorinaworldbentonstraighteningoutour objectsofdesire.

Theheadlinerbandweallcametoseeletsoutthesoundoftrumpets followedbythehitsofthedrum,theup-strummingoftheguitar,and thegroovesofthebass withtheundertoneofacowbellmakingits colorbleedonthecanvas.YouhearD-Skaradossing,“si te caes, levántate / si no puedes, pues quédate / ¿dónde vamos? porque yo también / a divertirnos otra vez!”Thereisanumbingthatoverwhelmsme,adelicate balanceofreleaseandjubilationattheedgeofmyfingertips,myskin tighteningupinthecoldwindasthehumidityofbreathandbodies convergeasalung.Thepiercedandthetattooed,therottenandthe clean,thebadmoodsandgoodvibes,the“ayfoo,I’llfuckyouup,”or the“ay,cananyonebumastogie?”;onecannevertellwhatwillhappen, howitwillhappen,andifwewillmakeitoutalive.Thenightof skanking is on the horizon a razor-sharp discordant note in its musicality.

Sólopuedodecirtequeesundesmadre.

Lachotaarrivestoreorientourclockworkofpunktemporality.The eventofthearrivalisspectacularinitsmundaneness.Itsnapsusback intothe“I”andthecliques,thesmallgroups,orindividualselveswe bringtotheparty.Wescrambleinmadnesstossingourcansorglasson thedirtfloor,shovingourmarijuanainpockets,puttingspacebagsinto backpacks,andlookingthroughandbeyondthedisorganizedcrowdfor thehomiestoescapetogethertosurvivethemissionoftravelingtoour propergeographiesofurbanorigin.Whenwefindeachother,wesmile inthefaceoftheunknown.Wewalkwiththeshiftingmovementof bodiestowardthegate.Wearemetwiththebeamsofflashlightdirectly inourface,disorientingourlineofvision.Theredandbluehelixof terrorspinninginthedarknessofnightremindsyouthatsomeonecalled thecops.Thepigsstareasiftheyarewishingtheirchildrendon’t

becomeonewiththeswarmofuglypunks:westarebacktosay,“fuck you.”Theslownessoftheflightoutofthebackyardisastreamofbodies spillingoutintothecivilizedconcreteofthestreet,stompingonthe rosesthatgrewoutofbadmetaphors.Thistinyunfoldingisthe movementoflocus,asweneedsustenance.The24/7-openJackinthe BoxonthecornerofFirestoneandCaliforniaisournewdestinationand wemakeourway,drunk,faded,exhausted,butinastateofeuphoria. Thereisnoinvitationforthisfeeling,onlytheopennessofitsdisorderly congregation.

Ifeelalivewith$1tacos(non-vegan)inmybelly,movingaroundin acidwithmultiplepintsofbeer,grazingagainsttheliningofmy stomach.InthealonenessofalocalJackintheBox,wefindourselvesin thestillofthenight.

Wemadeitoutalivefromourdusktilldawncollectiveritualofselfdestruction.Iamsurprisedtobealiveasifdeathwaswatching,touching mybody,waitingformyorganstofail.LittlediddeathknowthatIwas not exactly ready, despite this feeling in my intoxicated gut and bloodstream,hittingthebrainwithnumbingbelligerence,thatliving fastanddyingyoungwasdestiny.Imadearetroactivewitnessofmy ritualintheseaofbrownmurkywatersofdisaffectedyouthasI chuggedmyDr.Pepperwhileaquickdebriefingwiththehomies. “Damnthosepitsgotmefuckedup.”“WetryingtokickitatPedro’s garage?”“IthinkIlostanug.”“13SkunksareplayingnextFriday.”“Ay, nexttime,tellthatfooKevintocaile.”“Shit,yousawthathomiethatgot checked?”Isay,“Ahuevo.”

El mundo se va acabar por el maltrato del ser humano / Aunque sea nuestro final quiero que sepas que yo te amo –TheParanoias

Note: Thisunfinishedfragmentisawork-in-progressforamemoir-inessayscalled Moral Failures.Itwaswrittenduringacreativewriting seminarwithCherríeMoragacalled“OfLikeMinds”andmakespartof alongerandextendedessaycalled“KingsandPunks”thatexploresthe worldofpunk,metal,andskafromLosAngeles.

DECOLONIAL GRIEVING

3July2022

To look at soil and see more than dirt. —LolaOlufemi

Yougazeintothewaters,wavesrollinginandout,outandin,inacalm motiongrazingagainstthesoftwetsandsofasalt-smellingbeach. ChalchiuhtlicuesoothesthefleshoftheEarthandthefleshofyourfeet firmlyplantedintheland.Youstandattheedgebetweenlandand ocean,solidsandfluids,adialecticoftwoenergiesmerging.Yougaze intotheincomingmoonlightinthedistance absorbingthelastraysof theSunintoyourbody.Yourfaceiskissedbythesaltsofthelatebreeze, thesaltsoftheEarth.

Inthedistanceyouspottheoffshoredrillingstationextractingoil,the tarstickingtoyourfeetbeinganexcessbleedingfromman-made machines.TheEarth’sbloodsurgestothesurfaceandsearchesforflesh too,perhapsdesiringnewveinstoflowthroughandwith.

Youopenthepoeticmemoryofhumanconsciousnesstoimagine anothertime,anotherstory.YouwitnessinadreamChumashlandsand watersasabundantandfulloflife.Youfeelthewindswhispering anotherstory,astheytravelfromthefourdirectionsoftheplanet.You feelthespiritofthisplace,Anisq’oyo.Youseebeneaththesmokymirror of Spanish colonial architecture and Anglo-American presence on ancestralChumashterritories.Thedistortionoffiestas,collegestudents, botanicalgardens,Catholicmissions,andthesmellofoilpaintsan imaginedgeographyofconquest—somethingofdeception,approaching timecalledoccupation.

Istandhere,waitingforanewsign,anewimageofthefuture.Iscrape offthetardevelopingontheheelandpalmofmyfootwithapieceof woodfoundonthegroundnearvomitedseaweed.Nightmaresemerge fromtheEarth…bringingpainandjoy—afragilerelation.

Icametotheselandsinsearchofstudy.Icamewiththeintentionto bridgeknowledgewithaction,aChicanaandChicanoStudiesPh.D. thatIhopedwouldteachmesomethingmorethanthetraditionalmodes ofresearch.Ifindmyselfalone,resistant,andatoddswiththeorderof things, with the intellectualizing, the theorizing, the methods that antagonizemydreams,myhopes,andmydesiretodoawaywiththe figureoftheresearcher.Theyteachmetothinkwithmybodybutask mewhatmydatasetwilllooklike.Theyimploremetobeprofessional, andfrownuponmyrefusalofsuchcomportment.Isitinseminars amongMarxists,abolitionists,andanti-capitalists;whitereligiousstudies students,criticalhistorians,queerradicals;butnonecantellmewhatthe Chumashdesire,whattheChumashanarchistyouthareupto,what defendinglandandwatersheremeansforus, aquí en esta tierra.The imaginedintimacyofuniversityradicalismbreaksatthequestionposed: Whatarewedoinghereonstolenland?

Ifindmyselfresistingeventhismild-temperedcritique,thisrhetorical flourishforsomeapplause,orfortheguilty-feelingundergraduate studentsnappingatmypettycomments.WhatIwanttosayisstuckin mythroat itballsupandswellsasItroublemyfeelingsthatreacttomy contradiction.Iamsad.Istruggletoread,Irefusetowrite,Iwalka tendergroundofsandthatifIamnotcarefulwillconsumemeand drownmeunderitsbrownwaters.Iimaginemyselfhereasbeingand makingpartofthegeneralantagonism,yetIdesiretoknowthisposition withanintimatefeeling.Iamgrievingfromthecolonialwound.

IconsistentlyaskmyselfifIaminastageorwaystationofgrief,ifloveis the answer, if it’s the path toward grieving to another feeling. I remembermypausesatthebeachreadingRolandBarthes’ A Lover’s Discourse tofeelmywayoutofmygrievingasIobservetheedgeof land.Iwanttocrossthethresholdofthesenegativeemotionsandtheir depressioninmybody.Idesiretoshift,toshed,tobecome.Recently,I havebeeninthepracticeofsendingpostcardstofriends—inspiredbythe compañeréKim.Iwritewordsoflovehopingtheyknow despiteclash ordisagreement—thatIlovethem.Timeissoshortonthesebeaches, smellingtarorskunkpiss,soIsendaffirmations practicingwhatI knowinwriting,whatthewordcandotothebodyandemotions.

IattendtoBarthestoencounternotlovealonebuttheabysstoo—tofeel mywayaroundthespectrumofemotion.Mypostcardscarrytheabyss asittravels.Whatisgriefifnotlearninghowtolove,again.Iam grievingthisworld.Thosepostcardsaresignsofnewopenings,new beginnings.

WhenIexitthedreamofbeachesandoceans,ofbeingonIndigenous landsmilesawayfromwhatismy ancestral ombligo,Ipraytocreator,to spirits,totheenergiesoflife.Istandbeforemyaltarwithcandles lightenedandcopalburning.Ilooknottoward Prometheus nor Gaia.I lookatthepicturesofthe43ofAyotzinapa.Ilooktothecornseeds,the tobaccoseeds,thelifeofimagesfromLaVirgendeGuadalupetothe danzantefiguresfromGuerreroandMichoacán.Ilooktothescreen printofSamirFloresSoberanesmadebyafriend.Istandbeforeanaltar. Iamgrievingthisworld.Wesingsongstowelcomethenewdaywhen weremembertogrievetogether.WeprayfortheEarthmother, coatlicue.

Inthisconsciousness,Itendtofindmyselfinnomadictravels.From MadridtoLondon,fromSantaBarbaratoLosAngeles/Anaheim,from OaklandtoSanDiego.Iamonthemoveinthisworldofgrief.Todayas Iwrite,writingtakesitstollasItraversetheMidwestinthegeographies ofChicago,anintersectingterritoryofIndigenouspeopleandculture. Newecologiesencountered.Newtimesofunrestfeltandseen.Ifeelthe wavesofanotherfirehere,andno,it’snotthehumidheatofthe summer…Ibringmymedicinebagwithtobacco.ThecompasNatalia andGustavodesiredtodancewiththelocalgroups,eventheoneswe mightencounteratrandomsites.Theyfounda mexicayotl groupthat practicesinPilsen.Isitthis ensayo out,asIdidn’tfeelready,asIhaven’t dancedintwoyears.Instead,Iwriteapoem:

EstamosaquíenPilsen

WiththesummerwindsofChicago

Mexicanmuralsonthewall

Onthemove,onamission

Searchingfortheensayo

AtthebrownparkcalledZapata

Lookingforlosdanzantesmexicas

Yyallegamos,entrebaseballyplaypark

Losmexicanosestanaquí

Danzandoantigua,pasoporpaso

Elmarcarlentoypoderoso

EstamosaquíenPilsen

Enlacomunidaddelosmexicanos

Yloscompasestándanzando

Enestaceremoniaque

Davidayconciencia

Danzantesurbanxscon

ZapatosdecortesNike

Loshuehueterosstrike

Thegrandfatherdrumwithpassion

Echoingthecosmicvibration

Channelingthesacredenergíasof

Thelife-forcecalledlatierramadre

EstamosaquíenPilsen

Danzantesprayingaloscuatrosrumbos

Danzantesgritando¡ometeotl!

Asthesweetsmokeofcopal

Risestowardthesky,theincomingdusk

Childrenrunning

Elderssittingandchatting

Motherschismeando

Asthenoiseblendswithdrum

Asacredcircleintheheart

OfPilsen

EstoesChicago

Estoescomunidad

Tiahuimexicas

Singwithyouryayayotes

Singwithyoursonajas

Singwithyourgritos

Singforourpeople

EstoesChicago

Del abajo…

Thecenterofthecircleopensandthevortexofsmokeandsweat convergeasthesoundsofthe huehuetl beatfasterandfasterandfaster. Thewarriordanzantesarespinning,markingeachstep,asthecosmic entangleswiththeirflesh abeamofenergycirculatesandchannelsin andbeyondthecircle,asIwatchfromadistance.Mybodydesiresto jumpin,tojointheprayerofpractice,thepromiseofaredroad.Iam connectingtheoceantolakes,citiestobarrios,fantasieswithreality,the mysticalwiththematerialityofthiseventinmylife.Mypoemstruggles withknowingthisgeographymilesandmilesawayfrommyhome.Yet Icarriedapieceofhomewithmyfriends,thesedanzanteswhointheir flores arehelpingmeseethroughthesmoke.

Ireturntotheimageofthebeach,mesmerizedbyanunrulyportal, pullingmeintothenewdialecticofseasubmergedandenteringthe enfleshedbodyofland.Ientertheportalandemergeacrosstheabyss—I feelthegriefwashoverme,andIamsheddingolddreamsintonew visions.Theabyssstretchesandripsmeapart,pullingmyorgansout, and molding me together as alacrán. I crawl across the beach of Anisq’oyoandenterthewaters,swallowedcompletelyby coatlicue.I surrendertothegrief.IbecomeEarth.

Thevery act ofwritingthen,conjuring/comingto"see," whathasyettoberecordedinhistoryistobringinto consciousnesswhatonlythebodyknowstobetrue.The body-thatsitewhichhousestheintuitive,theunspoken, thevisceraofourbeing-thisistherevolutionarypromiseof "theoryintheflesh";foritisboththe expression ofevolving politicalconsciousnessandthe creator ofconsciousness,itself.

-Cherríe Moraga-

Forthelastfiftyyears,many“minoritarian”groupsconfrontedwiththe settlercolonialrealitiesoftheUnitedStates(US)haveencountered experiences, social conditions, and movements that characterize a distinct relationship to US dynamics of power, race, and land dispossession.Theserealitieshavebeenunderstoodinmanyways,from bothaUSacademicstandpointandfromUSradicalgrassrootsanalysis. InpopularUSEthnicStudiesapproachestotheserealities,theBlack (African), Asian-American, American Indian, and Chicanx sociomaterialconditionsareexplainedasdominatedpopulationsantagonistic towardthestructuresofrace/ethnicityinnormativeUSpoliticsofwhite ascendency.ThisistosaythatapopularUSEthnicStudiesapproach limitsitselftothelivedexperiencesofrace/ethnicity,thustrappedina discourseofwhitenessandassimilation,orhowDeniseFerreiradaSilva arguesinher2007monograph Toward a Global Idea of Race: thesociohistoricallogicsofexclusiontrapsaidgroupsinamotionofselfdeterminationtowardMan(orwhiteness).Inaradicalandsubversive approachtoEthnicStudies,these“minoritized”groupsconstitutesocial relationstocapitalism,colonialism,war,andhistoriesofslaverythat undergirdthesubjectivation,racialization,andclassdifferencesofthese assemblages.Astheoriginalpurposefor“(US)ThirdWorldStudies,” thisEthnicStudiesapproachopensapolitical,cultural,andeconomic perspectivethatinsistsonrelationshipstodominationintheUSandthe world-system.

Iamparticularlyconcernedwithquestioningandopeningtheinquiryof the “Chicanx” social condition (or the Mexican-American social condition,thoughthesearenotinterchangeableforme)andtheways this“minoritarian”grouphasarticulateditsownversionoffreedomand liberationandhowwecanre-visionananarchistpoliticsforselfdetermination(orself-organizationforautonomy).Though,Isituatemy ownapproachinthetraditionof“(US)ThirdWorldStudies”thatreorientstheperspectivetothinkaboutpoweranddomination,resistance andopposition,and fromthiscriticalregister theoriesintheflesh,or radicalembodimentstowardanewworld.Iwritegesturestowardan

orientation,lessaprogramortheory,evenlessanoutlineofthepotential milieutoconvince.Mygestureistocontinuetoattendtothefireofthe potentialityofChicanismo,evenifwemusttearitapartandre-imagine it andifwemustabandonit,Iwouldratherassertitasonemodalityin themultitudeofourstruggle.ItisaspringboardItheorizewith.How thenmightwetendtothefire?

Istartwiththisreferencetotheacademicpointofviewtomovebeyond it.Foralongtime,ithasbeenUSacademics—asagentsofnormalizing thelogicsofcapitalaccumulation,imperialexpansion,andcolonialism that has suppressed and de-fanged the radical movement of “minoritarian”groupshavinghadtheircharacteristicrelationshiptoUS settlercolonialism.Forone,the“Chicanx”socialrealityintheUSis overdeterminedbyalimitedhistorydescribedbysomeofitshistorical theorists as responding to US Manifest Destiny, as “Mexicans” constitutedthesavagemongrelsofthesouthwesternfrontierforUS desires of expansion, alongside indigenous nations, pueblos, and communities.BytakingthelimitedandrigidhistoriesofUSracial capitalismweforfeitthewaysMéxicoitself,initsprojectstoselforganize itself after Spanish colonial rule, also characterizes how “Mexicans”areproducedasracial/colonialsubjects.Toofferatheoryof anarchistpoliticsintheself-determinationof“Mexican”people(and beyond),wemightbekeenonturningtoanindigenousXican@ perspective that opens an alternative reading of the histories of “Mexican”suffering.WhilemanyscholarsintheUSacademeseekto bridgetheirscholarshipandradicalactivitieswiththeoriesofliberation, ourworktodayisfacedwithafragmentedandcontentiousterrainof intellectualproductionthathashaddifficultygroundingitselfinan analysisofconflict,antagonism,andcrisis—inotherwords,Iwantto thinkofthe“how”inanarchistpolitics.Iwanttowriteinthespiritfrom thebelowandtotheleft,withoutneedingtoconfrontacademicdebates asawaytolegitimizemypotentialanalysis.

Intheseways,Iwritedesiretowriteforan anarchism otherwise througha Xican@conciencia.Withthisapproach,theideaistore-theorizefrom anindigenousXican@perspectivetheimperativetore-engageideas, concepts,andtheoreticalmodelssuchasAztlánasapotentialframework

ordecolonialandautonomousstruggles.IattendtoAztlánparticularly herenotoutofanimpulsetoreifytheUSSouthwestasthegeography for“Chicanx”strugglebuttosuggestthatAztlánisandhasalwaysbeen aconceptthatdisruptsnationalterritorialboundariesinitsoriginal formationandenunciationasasacredplaceoflife.Fromananarchist pointofview,Aztlánisautonomous,confederative,andarelational networkofpeople,collectives,andorganizations—ithasthepotentialto bemorethananarticulationofterritory,foritislessaplacethanitisa people.Itisaterritorywithoutamap.Itisaplaced-basedstrugglefor anotherkindofterritorialarticulation,anautonomousimaginary.Itisa struggleforlife,land,andradicalpossibilities.Itisaspiritworth defending.

The detractors Mexican American, Mexican Indigenous, American Indian,andmore—willfindthisre-significationofAztlánasfutile,as manytimesIdoaswell.Inmyencounterswithmultiplekindsofpeople andperspectives,Aztlánisalostcauseifnotadreamofthepast.Yet, thereissomethingspecialaboutitthatmobilizedamassofpeople.They willaskthequestionofnewsettlercolonialtotalities,namingthis imaginaryofAztlánasthereplacementtheory,whereasIthinkofitas re-mappingtheepistemicandcartographicterrainofstruggle.Some Mexican-Americansor“post”-ChicanxwritersonthetopicofAztlán associatethetermwithitsrigidconceptionintheculturalnationalist imaginaryanditsgrammarofaggrievement.Theywillsayofit,that Aztlánisamovetowardnationalism,thenation,andtheideaofnational liberationastheirredentiststruggleofthepoliticsofrevolutionary nationalists.ThisisthepopularversionofAztlán,oneentangledina politicsofnationalsovereigntyastherightforself-determinationfor “Chicano”emancipation,alongsidethe“non-Chicano”groupsofthe territory.ThisAztlánisthe1848ChicanoAztlán.Itisaresponseto LatinAmericansocialisttheoriesofinternalcolonialism.Itis,forsome Marxist-LeninistChicanos,thehistoricalmaterialistanalysisoftheUS SouthwestlikethehistoricalBlackBeltThesis.Iwillnotoutlineinfull detailthisversionofAztlán,oneIalsodisagreewith,butitisimportant tonoteitscontext.ThisisnottheAztlánIspeakto.

Forthiskindofproject,ItendtothefireofLaXicanadatospeakmy truthandtoinspirethosewhoarecalledintothefireanewpoliticsfor thetwenty-firstcenturyfordescendantsofSpanishcolonialism.

The philosophical imperative for Xican@ people to articulate and practiceamaterialistpoliticsisahistoricalprocessthathasbecome hinderedsinceearlierUScounterinsurgenciesagainsttheorganization ofaChicanx/Xican@/Mexican-Americanradicalprolepolitics.The efforts of COINTELPRO by the Federal Bureau of Investigation underminedthemanyorganizationalactivitiesemergentandsustained byElMovimiento.Onemightaskwhystudentorganizationsdebate culturalidentitiesratherthanpoliticalpositionsintoday’suniversities. Onemightturninsteadtothespiritofthe“decolonialimperative” proposedbyRobertoD.Hernándezaswellasanengagementofan insurgentAztlánfromtheworkofErnestoToddMirelestoofferthese wordsofpotentialityasaproposalforthepueblosandrebelsthat understand themselves as Xican@ anarchists, communists, and/or Zapatistas.Iamonlyhopingthatthiscallcanbethesparkorfuegofora revitalizedconsciousnessofwhatitmeanstoorganizeandbuildas Xican@peoplefiftyyearsafterElMovimientoandtwenty-fiveyears after the Renacimientos del Movimiento that has not been as documentednoraccountedforingenerativewayssincethe1990sand itsmobilizationsagainstUSborderimperialism.Fromhere,itisAztlán thatholdsandcapturesus,anideaforpotential,place-basedstruggle, andpraxisthatbindsustothecommoncosmologicalandmetaphysical dimensionsofourXican@materialistpolitics.

Acentralconceptinmythinkingare the specters of Aztlán.Theideaof “specters”oftheconcept“Aztlán”istoposetwoinquiriesaswellas propose some sharpening of “La Causa” that concerns this antimanifesto. The“spectrality”that is“Aztlán”istomakeagesture, somethingthathastodowiththe“presence”ofghoststhathauntus Aztláninitsancientformandcontentinvitesotherkindsofghoststhat areabsentintheChicanoAztlánofculturalstruggleforhegemony.Not toedgeanypretentiousideasof“specter,”IuseittodefinehowAztlánis presentandhaspresenceyetcaninvokeahaunting,thustheuseofthe plural“specters”tosituateapluralityofAztlánandthedifferentways

that it is invoked. This re-orientation to Aztlán accounts for the multiplicityoftrendsthatoutlinesanddefineswhatistobeandbecome ofthe“Chicano”struggleinandbeyondtheUSborderlands.Spectersof Aztlánrequireourconjuration,attention,andawakening.Itdemandsof usarigorthatmanytodaywouldratheravoid,ifnottossintothe dustbin.SomeofthespectersthatIhopetoaddressarethosethat undermineAztlánasanotherwordfortheUSSouthwest,suchas Marxist-Leninist reductions of Aztlán as territoriality, Aztlán as a geographicregionthatsuggestshomelandfor“Mexicans,”thenotion thatAztlándoesnotexistatall,oranimaginaryplace(utopia)generated byChicanxpoets.ThesedistortionsmarkahauntingthatAztláncarries, anywhereitisenunciated,everywhereitispracticed.SpectersofAztlán unfoldanimpassetothepsyche,consciousness,andmaterialistpoliticsof LaXicanada wehaveanimperativetodialogue,worktogether,andto re-visionanewwaytostrugglewithAztlán.Itisaprincipalelementof Xicanism@asitpropelsusandtheothersofourjointstrugglestoreimagineplace,territory,andbecoming.

AsChicanoliteraryandculturaltheoristRafaelPérez-Torresnotesinhis essay“RefiguringAztlán,”publishedin1997intheacademicjournal Aztlán,the“figureofAztlán”hasconsumeditselfintoan“empty signifier.”Thisdoesnotmeanthatitisvoidofmeaning,butthatits overflowofsignificationrendersitasitsownlimit,thatitstrugglesto articulateitself.ItisinthespiritofPérez-TorresthatIalsocommitto notabandoningAztláninitsambiguousarticulationsofliberation,asthe contemporaryusageattestsinChicanxpoliticalimaginaries,andtovoice frommyownencountersanAztlánthatislessgeographicasatraceof strugglebutperhapsamappingofstrugglethatre-channelsflowsof resistance.Itisfrommytheorizationof an autonomous Xican@ imaginary thatIhopetore-inscribeAztlánas El Otro Aztlán.

Author’s note:

Thisfragmentisasketchofawork-in-progresscalled El Otro Aztlán: Toward an Autonomous Xican@ Imaginary.Itispartofanintroductory chapterthatopensthequestionofLaXicanada,Aztlán,andthepotential ofautonomouspraxisandanarchismforpeoplefromLatinAmerica, aimedatMexicandescendants.

The earthquakes that shake the history of humanity begin with an isolated, almost imperceptible ‘ ya basta.’ A discordant note in the middle of the noise. A crack in the wall

OnbehalfoftheZapatistacommunities. TheZapatistaMaritimeSquadron,named“Squadron421.” PlanetEarth.August13,just500yearslater.

...awakening…

Iwokeuponthewrongsideofthebedagain,myheadchueco,my armsnumb,mychestheavy.MyheadthrobbedasIsatuptorecognize thatanotherdayhadbegun,here/thereonAnisq’oyo,Chumashlands thesmelloftarnotsofarinthedistanceasmyallergiesswelledupand mynostrilsburned.IslowlypacedmyGoleta/IslaVistaapartmentasI wasmessaginggroupchats,dissectingmysocialmediafeeds,and receivingnewsfromaSextanetworkthattheZapatistasweregoingto travelthefivecontinents,startingwithEurope.Myheartexploded.I resumedmyroutine,immaculateclockwork,boilingwater,grinding coffeebeans,andmixingthetwoinamergingunisonforacupof coffee.Ilovecoffee,andifyouknowme,Iadorethetastes,notes,and placesthecollectivebeanstravel.Itendtotellthecompas,againstthe familiardescriptiononthebag,thatZapatistacoffeetastesofpeanut butter,asilkyacidthatmeltsonthetongue,refusingtoleavethemouth intothestomach.Ifindmybodydriftingintothehabitualspaces betweensettlingdust,ablackofficetable,andtoweringstacksofbooks amidthewebsofspidersperchedincorners,intheshadows,inthe trenches.

IopenmylaptoptodoabitmorereadingofthenewOctober2020

EZLNcommunique,myheartpoundingwithexcitementandtheusual fear.Thewordsofthetinyrebellionconstantlyundersiegeechoeda resonantspiritfordesiringotherconnections,otherworlds,andother waystolivewithEarth.Isatquietly,readingwithdifficultytheMexican Spanish not yet translated for my pocho tongue. I found myself enchantedforthismomenttoseetheZapatistastravelthefivecontinents inthespanofmylifetime.Yet,Ialsoworriedaboutwhateffectsthis wouldhaveastheyendurethebruntofnarco-stateviolence,anongoing injusticeontheirautonomouslands.Therearenowordsforthekillings, thedisappearances,theshootings,theslander,themisinformation,orthe fullfrontalassaultsontheircommunitiesthatseektheircollectivedeath. Theirradicaloptimismleavesmeinawedespiteallthisterror.Aboutsix monthsintothepandemicofthenovelcoronaviruscalledCOVID-19in 2020,withitsongoingmutationsandvariants,theZapatistasdecidedto forgewhattheycalledaJourneyforLifethatnow,today,crossesthe minds,bodies,andemotionsoftheworld—anditsdreamofnetworks frombelowandtotheleftareproliferatingwiththecalltoorganize.

Forthenextfewmonths,Iwastracing,tracking,andcompilingtheir communiquesastheyreleasedmanythatstagedthemomentoftheir inceptionfortravelingtoEurope.Iwassoeagertoexperiencethese wordswithothersassomeofuswouldreadthesecommuniquesin politicaleducationspacesonZapatismo.ItwasinAprilwhenthey finallyshowedtheworldtheirboat,sharedtheirplanstoarriveonthe shoresofEurope,andaskedtheworldtofollowtheirtravelsifonlyfrom afar.Inonecommuniquetheyannouncedthattheywouldarrivein MadridonAugust13th,500yearsafterthefallofMexico-Tenochtitlan todeclaretheirJourneyforLifeandtocalluponthepeoplesofEurope tosharetheirstrugglesastheZapatistascametolistentothem.

Thisistheirword,againstthefatalism,bleakness,andincapacitation ragedonbythetinyvirus,andthatothersystemofdeaththeycall capitalism:

…es tiempo de nuevo para que bailen los corazones, y que no sean ni su música ni sus pasos, los del lamento y la resignación. Que diversas delegaciones

zapatistas, hombres, mujeres y otroas del color de nuestra tierra, saldremos a recorrer el mundo, caminaremos o navegaremos hasta suelos, mares y cielos remotos, buscando no la diferencia, no la superioridad, no la afrenta, mucho menos el perdón y la lástima. Iremos a encontrar lo que nos hace iguales.

Iamstruckatthegesturetofindandsearchforotherlandsinrebellion andresistance,todancetogetherandtoaskfornoapologies—todiscover whatmakesusequal.Ireadontoseethattheirfirstplacetotravelin Europe,thatcontinentknownastheheartofcolonialism,empire,and theemergenceofcapitalism.TheirinsistencetogotoEuropeisto followtheroutetakenbyCortésfromVeracruztoVigo,todisembark andsay:

A nombre de las mujeres, niños, hombres, ancianos y, claro, otroas zapatistas, declaro que el nombre de esta tierra, a la que sus naturales llaman ahora “Europa”, de aquí en adelante se llamará: SLUMIL K’AJ XEMK’OP, que quiere decir “Tierra Insumisa”, o “Tierra que no se resigna, que no desmaya”. Y así será conocida por propios y extraños mientras haya aquí alguien que no se rinda, que no se venda y que no claudique.

These words grazed against the feelings I have developed toward Europe,towardSpain,andtowardthehistoriesthatproducemybody, my pain, and my existential suffering. Yet I am drawn to their declarationtoSpainwhentheysay:

Iremos a decirle al pueblo de España dos cosas sencillas: Uno: Que no nos conquistaron.Que seguimos en resistencia y rebeldía. Dos: Que no tienen por qué pedir que les perdonemos nada.

ItwasintheearlymonthsoftheSpringquarterof2021thatagroupof usfromtheSextanetwork,aXicana,aXicano,aGuerrerense,a Zapoteco,andaGuatemalteca,accompaniedbyaChilangajournalist, wouldtraveltogetherfortheeventinMadridtowitnessSpainfrom belowandtoseehowthoseinthatgeographystruggledforlifetoo.In thebarriosofMadrid,weencounteredaveryotherSpain,onefilled withlove,joy,andspiritdespitethearchitectureofdeathbuiltbythe

terrorinflictedonLasAméricas.Aswemarchedwiththepeoplefrom Madrid,seeinganarchistbanners,Mapucheflags,anti-fascistchants,and anenergydirectedagainstthelegaciesofSpanishcolonialismand conquest.

AtthefeetoftheMonumentinDiscoveryoftheAmericas,storytelling thevoyagesofColumbus,theZapatistasspoke:

Cuéntenos su historia. No importa si es grande o pequeña. Cuéntenos su historia de resistencia, de rebeldía. Sus dolores, sus rabias, sus “ no ” y sus “sí”. Porque nosotras las comunidades zapatistas hemos venido a escuchar y a aprender la historia que hay en cada habitación, en cada casa, en cada barrio, en cada comunidad, en cada lengua, en cada modo y en cada ni modos. Porque, después de tantos años, hemos aprendido que en cada disidencia, en cada rebeldía, en cada resistencia, hay un grito por la vida.

Thenightdescendedwithwordswiththeforceofthemountain.

…que retiemble en sus centros la tierra…

ImissthesmilesoflachilangaDalira

ImissthelaughterofYretiemble

ImisstheanarchyofMadriddelabajo

Imissthecafé,loslibros,ylossitios

ImissthelenguaMadrileñx,vale

Imisstheyellowboatontheocean

Imissthespiritoftierrainsumisa

Imissthecompas:theirlove,theirstruggle

AndmaytheEarthshaketoitscore.

Life, the Last Heresy

ThefleshoftheEarthopenedandexiledthe cosmicwhisperswiththefloweringoflife…

Theentropyofsacredfire…thedanceoflifegivingwaters…

Thedialecticoftectoniclandscape—pulling, pushing,edging…

Theharmoniouschaosofwindsbrokethe silence,singingthesongsofthebodyofthe Earth…

TheOne,coupledwiththemultiple, generatingartinmovement…

Thesoulreverberatedthespiritofrelation,the creativityofdesire—playfulinthevoidof ancientdust...

Wewelcomeourexistenceinthedwellingof ancientcodes,mappedintoourflesh,flowing throughourveins...theanxietyofrealityisthe heresyoflife,theplayofourvisceralityofa body...

AsXicanalesbiansteachtheworld:wemust enterthebodytoenterthelivesofothers(...)

...for love is the path shared together...

...deep in the soil of our Earthmother...

...painted in red and black, the colors of life...

INFLUX and EXITS

L’existence précède l’essence. Jean-PaulSartre

…il n ’ y a pas davantage de distinction homme-nature: l’essence humaine de la nature et l’essence naturelle de l’homme s’identifient dans la nature comme production ou industrie, c ’est-à-dire aussi bien dans la vie générique de l’homme L’industrie n ’est plus prise alors dans un rapport extrinsèque d’utilité, mais dans son identité fondamentale avec la nature comme production de l’homme et par l’homme —GillesDeleuzeetFélixGuattari

…Influx

Myintimateprocessofwritingdesiredasenseoftheselfinrelationto theworld.Ifeltmyselfnotholdingback,writingfrommythoughtsor bodythetruthofwhatwasoursensibleEarth.Mysearchformeaningas a “Mexican-American” has led me to paths complicated and contradictory,facedwithideology,nationalism,andaspirittobreak paradigmsthatheldmybodycaptiveinunwelcomegazes.Ihavea reflectivemoodorattitudewhenIapproachwritingandthedesireto avoidnavel-gazingortheself-meditationofdangerousindividualism.

Forme,thereishardlyawaytowritewithoutthe“I”oftheself, pretendingthereexistsanobjectiveobserverofcriticalphenomenathat implicatetheusortheweortheworld.The“I”speaksfromthebodyof memoryasIhavebeentaughttowritebyCherríeMoraga.The experienceoftheworlddisruptsmysenseofrealitystubbornly.Howdo Inotwritewiththe“I”whenmuchofwhatIknowisthelived experienceofmybody(emotionalandself-aware)metwiththecyborg relationofinformationandcapital,patriarchalideologies,andtheStateformofsocialorganization.Though,Iamnotheretodefendthe“I”of theegoandthebody.Idesireotherformsandothersignstoendwith— notasaclosureoffinalthoughts,butanewopeningofpossibility,an invitationofsorts.

Iwritefromthenomadicghostof white mountain rabbit (elconejo blancodelamontaña).Thisfigurecametomein2016inalimpia ceremonybyaXicanaspiritual-activistfromLosAngeles.Ithasstuck withmealltheseyears,searchingforitspresenceandenergyinmy mind.Thecreativeenergiesofwhitemountainrabbitarechanneledin multipleroutesandinexclusivekindsofways.Itisaspiritofwriting thatpermitsmetothinkandfeelotherwise,tomakeclaimsofLa XicanadathatspillintoMexican-Americanself-representation.Ihave feltalienatedfromarigidChicanadathatresistsadaptingtonewforms andnewrealitiesandnewcontentinarticulatingculture,people,and existence. The self-preservation in collective identity has meant petrification.

ThewildseedsofLaXicanadaasacounter-currenttoChicanocultural nationalism and the revolutionary socialist theories of Aztlán (lost territoriesofMéxico)flourishandbreakwiththemultiplethreadsofLa Chicanadathatrefusestoforgenewlinesofstruggle.Yet,mypointhere isnottosayoneismorecorrectthantheother,asLaXicanadais susceptibletoabsorbingtheirredentistrhetoricandconsciousnessof AztlánasreclaimableterritoryforaXicanonation.The“X-”inLa Xicanada(orinLaRaza,asRoberto“Cintli”Rodríguezputsit)isashift wehavenotyetfullyunderstoodattheturnofthetwenty-firstcentury, despitesomanyarticulatingandrealizingthisshiftinwaysthatextends thespiritofElMovimiento.Itwaswithmyexplorationofnegative XicanidadesthatIreachedforasenseofintelligibility.Though,now,I amlessconvincedindoingananthropologist’sforgingofacultural description,asociologist’smakingsofasystem,ahistorian’simaginaryof narrative,oraLatinxStudiesscholar’sventureintorepresentinga totalizinggeographywhoselimitdoesnotexist.

Withoutabandoningus,IdesireanewtheoryforLaXicanada—making dignity,becoming,andexistenceameaningfulpraxis.

Thewritingsofwhitemountainrabbitwerenotinsearchofamethod, butperhapsinsearchofasubversiveconcept,anon-philosophy,anexit fromthegrammarofcoloniality.Mycritical-creativeinvestigationfor meaninginthewebofcapitalwasadisfiguredbodyandformdesiring

morphogenesis beyond the sociogenic forces of our reality of a globalizingworld-systemofcapital.Itisnottoodifficulttoseehowwe havebecomedistorted,defaced,anddebasedasnewwavesofmigrants, travelers,andrefugeesunconnectedtothehistoryofthesegeographies placenewstakesintotheirpoliticalconsciousness—ineffect,de-coding the body of La Chicanada and other expressions from MexicanAmericansandbeyond.

Theselayersofhistoricalamnesiapitgroupsagainsteachother,asif there were coherency between them as if they were not already imagined.LaChicanada,andtheworldoftheracial/colonialsubjects descendedfromSpanishcolonialism,arebecomingapostscripttothe neoliberalforcesofdominationthatscatter,fragment,andarrange hegemonyinsuchawaytoconfusetheprojectforemancipation.The unrulyre-codingoftheMexicanorLaRazawithaChicanoand Chicanapoliticalconsciousnessmeantanoppositionalmovement,but thepowerofideologyandthepost-modernconditionrenderedthese meta-ideologizingpracticesuselessasculturemadeitanartifact.

TheChicanohasbecomeasingularculturalsubjectofapost-Fordist aesthetic(AngieChabramandAlfonsoGonzalesToribiomakethisclaim attheturnofthiscentury).Howdowestrugglewiththishistoryand thematerialconditionsinwhichwelivethatpetrifywhoweare?How dowe,asthosedescendingfromgenocide,transmutation,andhybrid bodies of modern/ancient, refuse becoming who we are not? La Xicanadaisnotonlyastoryofsurvival.Itisastoryofdreams,theword, andasacredarrivalthatimaginesnewformsofsubsistence.Ourstoryis oneofcreationintheruinsofadeterioratingcivilization.Welookback tocreatefrommemoryapresentofmessiness—towardafutureofla caminantewhoserasquachematerialismformsnewpracticeswithradical elementsforliberatoryhorizons.

ThepsycheorunconsciousofLaRaza,ofMexican-Americans,of MexicansintheUnitedStates,orofthebrownpeoplefromLatin Americaintheircrossingintonewcognitiveterritoriesoflanguagehave notquitestruggledwiththecrossroadsofanewemotionalterrainof violence.Theproblemofthesegroups,individuals,andpeopleinsearch

for a sense of well-being arrive in precarity and new forms of dominationintheheartofEmpire.BeyondthefigureoftheMexican, wearewitnessinganewtransformationincapitalismthatinvitesthe (brown)Latinxpsycheintotheirmachinetoempowertheglobal machineofcapital.

Thishasbeenalonghistorysincethe1980swehavenotfullyreckoned withasthearticulationofIndigenousandBlackemancipationhas overshadowedtheundercurrentsofbrownlabor.Idonotmeanbrown hereasmorphologynorphenotype,andneitherasidentity.Imeanitas theexistentialconditionofthematerialrealitiesofthepoor,workingclass,subjugated,dispossessed,andsubalternpeoplesofLatinAmerica, andbeyonditscartographicboundaries.

Themetaphysicsofbrownisthegenealogyofunearthingthewaysthe material lives of the descendants of Spanish colonialism suffer domination, even when “invited” into ascendency—a deceptive equivalentofwhiteness.Thishasbeenoneofmymajorquestions,anda pointofconfusionthatIhavenoanswersnordirectionforotherthanto say:wemuststruggleagainstthewhitebeingofMan.

Lacaminanteanditsalacrándesiresareapathwaytoafeeling:thefelt Earthanditsmotionofcosmiceruptiontowardourcollectiveliberation.

Exits…

IntheapartmentofRobertoD.HernándezandYmoatLuna,we (MaritzaandI)aregatheredpost-exhibitiontodiscussTlaliNantli,and otherchismes,withCeliaHerreraRodríguezandJohnJairoValencia.

WearetalkingChicanohistory,Xicanahistory,Hegel’sdialectic(ifso brief),theamnesiaofElMovimiento,andallthepeoplethatwould cometogetherinceremonytoforgeanIndigenousconsciousnessfor Mexican-Americans. We sit and listen. We witness a generational dialoguebetweentimeperiodsoftheCubanRevolution,theZapatista Uprisings,andthepresentfloweringoflospueblosintheConcejo IndígenadeGobierno.Ourcircleisrare,ifnotspecial.Idreamofthis nightmanytimes,asIdesiretheworldlinessofaroom.

Icometotheendofthiszinewithasenseofsadness.Ileavethereader withpoetry,withshortfragments,anddriftingtextfrommyXican@ nomadicregister.Ileaveyouwithbitsofmylife,mylivedexperience, andmyword.Iattemptedtogiveanimageofsomethingweird,ifnot revealingofavision.

Maytheworldflowerbeforeyou,andmayyoutellthestorytoo.For weareEarthspeakingandtheworldmustlisten.

Urban

Zapatistas in Madrid.PhotoimageofthecompasandI whotraveledtoEuropetowitness la travesía por la vida.This photowastakenatanundisclosedlocationinMadrid,Tierra InsumisainAugustof2021.

"BECAUSE DEATH is MY BEST FRIEND"

I continued to travel / Until death came to meet me / And became my best friend / All fear was wiped away / And I was free / Waiting for the morning to come and greet me once again / Now I was armed to the hilt / And nothing could stop me / Because death is my best friend / And the possibilities are endless…

AztlanUnderground,“CrescentMoon”

*click*

For the children, and those who taught them in Uvalde

Asharpringinggoesoff.Thebirdshearittoo. Treesrustlingagainstthewinds,stillinthewhispers Ofasmalltown.Anothercrack.Anxiety,hopelessness. Thepassersbyhearittoo.Curious,imagining.Anothersharpringing. Fireworks.Inanawkwardpattern,aseriesofclicks, Andscreams.Echoesofhorror.Bloodstainsthefloor,children’sbooks. Running.Barricades.Protection.Anendlesshell.

Mictlánopensitsportal

Asaxoloitzcuintleemergesfromitsblackwaters. Xolotlplantsitspawsonbrownfaces,searchingeyes,lastbreaths.

Andgriefhasnowords.Mictláncloses.Soulsdescend.

A Memoir of Death

…mybodycrawledoutofthewombofdarknessandwasmetwith breathandcries.Idon’tremembermyfragilefleshmixingwiththeair ofmodernity.Ican’tremembermymother’swarmembrace.WhenI firstwailed,Ifelttheworldcollapseandthecosmostremble.WhenI sleptoutsidethewombIwasvisitedbydeath.Shewhisperedhersecrets, herknowledgeofthetruth.Mybodywillonedaycrawlbackintothe wombofdarkness,andwillbemetwithbreathandcries…

white mountain rabbit isanavatar,ornomdeplume,that emergesfromtheabyss,conjuredbyamysticaldesirefora decoloniallineofforce.Heemergeswhenplay,creativity, andjoyareflowing,overflowing,interrupting,attaching, andinteractingwithpowerviolence,grindcore,oranarchopunkasthetextualityofnoisymusic,sometimeswithjazz, indie,andcrossoverthrashmetal.Withradicalimagination, insurgentdreams,Zapatistapraxis,rasquachematerialisms, orhereticalnomadism,whitemountainrabbithopsaround buildingideasknowingthattheyeventuallybreakdown: thisisthelifeofadecolonizingwritingmachine.Thefirst appearanceofwhitemountainrabbitwasinthezine Xicano Caracol in2017.Youcanfindhimwritingandsharing erraticthoughtsintheblogseries“NegativeXicanidades”at: www.xicanatiahui.weebly.com.

Tierra y Libertad Zine Press printsKristianE.Vasquez’s (whitemountainrabbit)zines.Hislatestzineworkis Heresy of the Spirit (2020), Negative Xicanidades (2021), and contributionsfor Xicanista Radicalisms: Vol. 2 (2022)edited byNataliaM.Toscano.Hismostrecentzineisananthology projectof"earlyworks"comprisingpoetry,fragments,and otherwritingsinazinecalled Escarvando Xicanismo.Hiszine projectsexploreheresy,radicalism,praxis,consciousness, becoming,andnomadism.Currentworksinprogressareon topicssuchasdecolonialexistentialism,radicalflashfiction, andspeculativemythologizing.Hiscurrenteditorialworkis focusedonthethirdvolumeof Xicanista Radicalisms.

15September2022

crafted from Anisq'oyo

TierrayLibertadZinePress

KristianE.Vasquez

What is next...

Theplannedzine-in-progress, The Virtuality of the Damned,isafourvolumeinvestigationandexperimentoftheinnerknowledgeandouter practice of the mixed-race body of a racialized mestizo Mexican(American)whoalignsthemselveswithaXican@politicalconsciousness andperceptionoftheworld.Itisapathwayofwordsintothemind, body, and emotions that uses the theory, concepts, ideas, and philosophiesgeneratedbyqueerXicanafeministsandothercultural theorists.Thezineexplorestheexperienceofwhatthezinestersituatesas “thedamned”(thearticulationof les damnés fromFrantzFanon)tothink through a metaphysics of struggle grounded in formations of the negationofthesenseofbrown,orinotherwords,thosestructured,from oppositionaltheoriesofpower,asbeingpositionedas“non-white,nonblack” and “non-Indigenous.” The zinester takes issue with this constructionofthebodythatignoresamaterialistanalysisof“brown.”

Thezineislessasystematictheoreticaltreatiseonthespecificityofa problematicbutisratheracritical-creative-poetic-visualrepresentation thatsearchesforare-significationofthe sympoiesis (toborrowand corruptthisconceptfromDonnaJ.Haraway)ofXican@consciousness inatheoryofbrown.Thezinesterworksfromthere-assemblageofLa Caminante as an alacrán figure searching for grounded lines of decolonialforce/desire/energy/spirit.

The Volumes of the Project:

I. La Rajadura: On the Lived Experience of the Brown Commons

II. Dissonant (Un)feeling: On the Open Dimensions of Brown Affects

III. The Altar of Malinalxochitl: On the Materiality of Mystical Desire

IV. For Moraga: On the Viscera of Our Being

Caminante, no hay puentes, se hace puentes al andar.

-GloriaE.Anzaldúa-