BAC K S TO RY
Before I Knew By Hans Augustave ’01
This was before I knew about the world Before I realized that Band-Aids were meant to be skin-toned Before I learned that “Flesh” in the Crayola box was a reference to a normalcy and not an actual color Before I found out that tall, dark, and handsome didn’t apply to me This was before my first job as a busboy Where the local chief of police would eat for free with his buddies And yell out: “Watch your wallets” when I walked over to clean their table This was before my trip to Ivory Coast When, after 17 years of life on Earth My shoulders relaxed And I felt at home not only in the world but finally in my skin This was before I felt the need To make up for my imposing stature and hue By developing an overly gentle and inviting persona
Hans Augustave ’01 is a writer, filmmaker, DJ, and the founder of Reprieve, a popular sober dance party in Brooklyn. He is the co-producer of an upcoming documentary, The Forgotten Occupation, about the U.S. occupation of Haiti from 1915-34. After the 2014 death of Eric Garner, Augustave found a childhood photo of himself (shown above) and became inspired to write Before I Knew, which he shared on Facebook at the time. Earlier this year, after the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd, he updated the poem and filmed a visual version that garnered emotional, poignant reviews. “A lot of times, when I am moved enough, whether it’s by anger or emotion, my instinct is to write it down as poetry,” said Augustave. “I’m not good at being angry for very long. I need a way to let that emotion out, and for me it’s through art.” To view Augustave’s visual poem, visit vimeo.com/HansAugustave/BeforeIKnew.
56
XAVIER MAGAZINE
This was before I was referred to as “White” Because being Black meant baggy jeans and gang signs This was before I was considered “One of the good ones” Because of my education and politeness This was before Sabrina’s parents told her in Spanish She’d be ruining their race by having children with me ...not realizing I understood every word This was before my Mother would yell at me For living only a second as carefree as my White friends did This was before anyone had ever called me a “nigger” This was before George Floyd. Tony McDade. Breonna Taylor. Ahmaud Arbery. Botham Jean. Philando Castile. Sandra Bland. Trayvon Martin. Eric Garner. Alton Sterling. Tamir Rice. Mike Brown. Samuel DuBose. Amadou Diallo. Sean Bell. Abner Louima. Ousmane Zongo. Timothy Stansbury. Ramarley Graham. Tony Robinson and Freddie Gray ...just to name a few This was before that moment of clarity When I realized I was seen as less than Human This was before I hated myself For something I was born to be Something I didn’t ask to be But now wear with pride This was the last time I felt like I belonged ...and I have no memory of the picture being taken This was before I knew I was Black.
