Crisis Averted: WashU Solves Diversity Problem With One Saliva

Swab

Anyone who attends our lovely university here in St. Louis is privy to its lack of diversity. The school is almost 50 percent White according to collegefactual.com, more than the amount of Black, Asian, or Hispanic students combined. Or, in other words, the school has 28 acapella groups. The website ranked WashU below average in racial-ethnic diversity. I attempted to verify this information with the university’s demographic records, but the link didn't work. The only possible deduction that can be made from this technological buffoonery is that WashU is ashamed of their ethnic homogeneity and is therefore hiding their demographic information! This proves my point, and no further investigation is required.

The school’s light-a-scented-candle-andplay-me-some-Mumford-and-Sons level of whiteness is especially overt when looking at the endless array of old white couples featured on paintings across every WashU building. Their pasty wrinkled faces permeate the halls with reminders of economic immobility and systemic oppression. However, recent developments could mark a change in the narrative surrounding WashU’s whiteness woes. A married couple–Stanley and Lucy–depicted in a mural in Lopata hall, recently took a 23andme DNA test, and the results were shocking. Against all odds, it was discovered that 4.6% of Stanley Lopata’s genetics were of African lineage, with Lucy not far behind at 3.1% East Asian. Dean David H. Perlmutter, who looks like Jeff Foxworthy and Teddy Roosevelt’s secret love child, called the news “a revelation” and was overheard stating the following with a sense of bombastic pride that only a turn-onsome-Seinfeld-and-call-me-fiscally-conservative type of fellow could muster: “Diversity crisis, no more! Woo, we sure dodged a bullet there.” Now, going forward, all sentiments regarding demographic uniformity at WashU are null and void. You thought there were real diversity issues at this school, and you thought wrong, baby!

Now, WashU is requiring that all students get DNA tests as “a celebration of the real and actual diversity that definitely exists here at WashU.” Anyone who has over a sixtieth of non-white ancestry will be given minority status by the university and advertised as such. The number comes from an ancient Jewish law stating that a non-kosher portion of food making up at least 1/60th of the batch deems the whole dish prohibitable to eat. WashU is using this law as a benchmark, of course, because 98.4% percent of the school is Jewish. With this new and improved system of racial classification, WashU projects to be one of the top 10,000 most diverse schools in the country. What an impressive achievement!

While I, as a reporter, usually try to remain as objective and fact-based as possible–a pure, glimmering vessel of truth, if you will–I find that, given my current platform, it is my obligation to offer my opinion on the recent developments presented above: I am both honored and thrilled to be a part of an institution that is so dedicated to diversity and representation within its student body. Dare I say, this is what the American Dream is all about. Is it not our very purpose as humans on this planet to co-exist amongst different backgrounds and creeds in a perpetual state of peace, harmony, and happiness? Plus, my school-sponsored DNA test indicated that I have a genetic predisposition to terminal stomach cancer, so I’m feeling a little existential. Go WashU!

-Dean David H. Perlmutter

Point: It's really sad Math and Stats are splitting up.

Counterpoint: They should have gotten Cupples counseling!

Now they just see their x and wonder y it didn't work out

Inspiring: WashU Student Reflects on Internship “from Hell”

Recently, WUnderground sat down with a student who just returned from a semester doing an “internship from hell.” ‘S’, who asked to remain anonymous, had a lot to say about her time in the working world.

S gained experience in a highstress environment, interfacing directly with clients. “We really had to be ball busters,” she explained. “I mean, I personally thought microwaving genitalia was a bit much, but I wasn’t about to say anything. You do not want to get on my boss’s bad side.”

S could not disclose the name of her employer, but she did share some of the challenges she faced while traveling for work. “Okay, no one really talks about the climate shock of leaving but it. Was. So. Hot. There. And there was a language barrier sometimes? Like, plenty of people spoke English or Mandarin so that was good, but when I listened to some of the other staff it sounded like they were speaking in tongues. And my boss was the actual Devil. Like, dude, chill out about the sins of man, sheesh.”

Every heavenly cloud has a silver lining, and S was also excited to talk about some of the positive takeaways. “So like, I knew it was gonna be scary, of course. Having an internship, I mean. But I’m really into true crime? And I know it’s kind of controversial, the whole fascination with harm, but the people I was, uh, working with knew a lot about all kinds of murders. So I was excited to go into this field. Who needs Truman Capote when I’ve got these guys, haha! Also, I feel like it really boosted my confidence. When I first arrived, I was, like, apologizing to people as I peeled off their skin or whatever, but now, I’m totally an empowered woman! I feel ready to take on the working world and kick anyone’s ass.”

Her story is a great resource for any WashU students considering internships; S describes the experience as a challenging growth opportunity. “I mean, it was literally hell. But I guess that’s what junior year’s all about!”