FACING CHALLENGES New Course Listing: Nonbusiness for Business Students

Dear WashU students!

As we gear up for our next round of class registrations, I wanted to bring your attention to a new course being offered in the Olin Business School in thefall. It has come to our attention in recent years that while many of our students have graduated and moved on to do great, impressive, and incredibly important jobs such as [making McRibs at McKinsey and baining at Bain…idk we’re in WUnderground we don't actually get what you guys are up to in the big leagues] or [convincing Chad and Thad to invest in Boeing’s latest line of child-proof rocket launchers or wiping David’s literal asshole until he decides to retire and makes you partner] we’ve started to notice that there seems to be a minor gap in the educational curriculum we’ve been provided. “Nonbusiness for Business Students,” a new OPTIONAL elective course will provide students with basic social concepts and ethical principles that the plebeians/the poors have decided to adopt as “common sense” for society. While these concepts that will be brought up over the course may seem nonsensical—or worse— contradictory to the main pursuit in life of getting this bread, they may help ease the amount of glares our alumni get as they stroll past their neighbors the next time they collapse the stock market.

Woof Woof, That’s the Sound of the Police

Only a month into their training, Brookie and Bear are in deep dogshit for the questionable stop and frisk of beloved WashU icon – Socke the cat. During the search, Socke was caught with an eighth of catnip, leading to his controversial arrest. Doggy body cam footage reveals that Brookie placed the catnip on the suspect outside of Dardick. When stopped, Socke calmly spoke with the officers, “meow meow meow, meow?” to which Bear retorted, “stop resisting scumbag! Show me your paws, now.” Socke only spent one night in the pound and was released on a technicality as the officers forgot to read him his Meowranda rights.

Socke, diagnosed with PTSD following his role as covert stocking stuffer in the War on Christmas, carries a medical license. This, coupled with Missouri’s recent legalization of recreational Catnip, has PETA, AGL WashU, and Juggling Club up in arms. “These violent pups should’ve never been let on the force,” barked Quincy the Campus Dog, (and rumored former lover), “there is only room for one K9 in this kennel.” While some groups disagree with Socke’s arrest, others are backing the blue’s clues. “I don’t see a goddamn problem,” says gun-toting feline, Ryle Kittenhouse. “He knew it was illegal, he should pay the consequences.” Ryle licked his balls, coughed up a hairball, meowed the pledge of allegiance, and then left.

The WUPD announced that Bear will spend one day on paid leave, much to the disappointment of the public. “They don’t understand,” growled Brookie in an exclusive Stud Life interview. “One human day is 7 dog days. That means he skipped dog church. This is cruel and unusual punishment, his right to bark shall not be infringed”. Brookie ran after a bunny, mutilated it, and unapologetically pissed on the seal.

WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers. The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

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