Vampires don’t burn Trevor Meyer
I try to use my fangs to open the beer bottle. I gnaw on it for a while, but it’s no use. I clutch it in my white-gloved hands and twist, but by now I’ve lost all dexterity in my fingers. The Wolf Man peers over my shoulder and asks if I need help. “No,” I tell him. “I’ve got it.” I pull open the door to MR. WEINSTEIN’s mailbox and clamp the cap in it. I tell Wolfie to hold it shut. He says I’m going to spill it. “No,” I tell him. “I won’t. Just hold it shut.” He flattens both hands against the mailbox door and leans into it. I crank the bottle and the cap pops off, beer spraying all over MR. WEINSTEIN’s credit card bills. “How’d you do that?” asks Wolfie. “Magic,” I say. I spit my fangs out into my open palm and take a swig. It’s one in the morning and all of the little ghosts and Power Rangers have gone home for the night. My furry companion asks me if I’m going to get lucky tonight. “Not unless the bride of Frankenstein is looking for some action,” I say. “Come on, dude,” he says. “Let’s just go back.” I ignore him. By the time we get to the party, I’m already staggering. I haven’t thrown up yet. Having chugged half a bottle of vodka before I even left my apartment, I’m proud of that. Glancing around the room at the pirates, goblins, and hookers, I wonder what she’s wearing this year. Last year we dressed to match. We were Zorro and… wait for it… Lady Zorro. Not exactly congruent with official Zorro continuity, but she did look good in those black boots. This year she won’t want to talk to me, but I’ll try anyway. I bump into a guy wearing a Superman costume. He gives me a big grin with straight, white teeth and says, “Excuse me, sir.” All smarmy with his blue tights, red underwear, and oily, black hair with a spit curl glued to his forehead. Douchebag. Why would he want to dress up like a big, blue Boy Scout? Batman is way cooler. He asks me if I’m one of those sparkly vampires from Twilight. “No,” I tell him. “I’m Dracula.” I ask him why in God’s name would he dress up like a pansy like Superman. “Superman is the modern symbol for the goodness of humanity. He’s an inspiration to us all.”
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